Previously: How to tell if you are in a Haruki Murakami novel. 

1. You are on a train, but no one can find you. You are leaning out of your car window making cryptic statements about love to a man you have only just met. Your silhouette is impossible.

2. You are doing something you do not want to, for reasons you cannot explain, with someone you are obsessed with for no earthly reason.

3. The waistband of your trousers graze your nipples whenever you sit down, stunned, on a luxurious hotel bed, which is often.

4. You are a man. You are a man in a suit. You are a man in a suit and you are 4,000 years old. You are an old leather shoe that was once a human man and you are wearing a brown fedora over a grey toupee. The toupee is sleek, like an otter. Your suit will never get dirty. Your girlfriend is twenty-two years old. You hate her.

5. You know government secrets, and are particularly skilled in hand-to-hand combat, despite having never fought anyone before.

6. You have committed a murder for reasons you cannot explain.

7. You are a psychiatrist whose only job is to periodically deliver lengthy monologues about the motives of not-yet-convicted criminals who are not your patients.

8. Someone you do not know wishes you dead. Someone you do know refuses to help you.

9. You are arguing with a man in a redwood forest. One of you has committed a murder. You cannot remember which.

10. You have been trapped inside of a slow tracking shot for seven hours. You cannot move.

11. You are sleeping with a man you cannot trust. He is the oldest man in the world, and frequently quite rude to you. You have nothing in common; you wear diamonds to breakfast.

12. You are not afraid of a man with a gun; you are terrified of stairs.

13. You are an icy blonde. You are a cool, collected, deliciously young icy blonde. You are a baby iceberg wearing a yellow wig and distinctive sunglasses.

14. You are a mousy blonde. You are desperately in love with the 4,000-year-old man, who only occasionally remembers that you are alive.

15. You are kissing a recent acquaintance by the sea; you do not know how you got there. You tell them a lie for every kiss.

16. Your eyebrows either never move, or cannot stop moving.

17. You think that you have the jewels, but you do not. The man you stole them from never had the real ones to begin with, or else only let you steal a decoy. The man is on a boat. You are on a roof. You are in love. You are both wearing black, and the wind is ruffling your hair.

18. You are spying on someone right now.

19. You are walking down a hallway. You do not want to be walking down a hallway, but you have no choice in the matter.

20. You are a likable sociopath and you are eating dinner, and being deeply charming while doing so. Your dinner companion suspects you of murder.