Part One here.
The itsy-bitsy spider
Climbed up the water spout
Down came the rain
And washed the spider out
Out came the sun
And dried up all the rain
And the itsy-bitsy spider
Climbed up the spout again
There he was culled
by his larger
and more genetically fit female mate
She harvested his nutrients to feed herself
and she was right to do it.
***
Frère Jacques, Frère Jacques,
Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous?
Good.
***
Ring-a-round the rosie,
A pocket full of posies,
Ashes! Ashes!
Heterosexual relationships are inherently coercive.
***
Simon Says
Nothing.
***
The farmer in the dell
The farmer in the dell
Heigh-ho, the derry-o
The farmer in the dell
The farmer may not leave the dell
The dell is a restricted males-only area
Males may not leave the dell
without a Travel Pass
and a Menstruating Companion
Heigh-ho, the derry-o
The farmer in the dell
***
Day is done,
Gone the son,
From the lake, from the hills, from the sky.
All is well, safely rest,
Girls are nigh.
***
This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none,
And this little piggy cried The nuclear family must be destroyed
all the way home.
***
London Bridge is falling down,
Falling down, falling down.
London Bridge is falling down,
My fair lady.
Build it up with wood and clay,
Wood and clay, wood and clay,
Build it up with wood and clay,
My fair lady.
Wood and clay will wash away,
Wash away, wash away,
Wood and clay will wash away,
My fair lady.
Build it up with bricks and mortar,
Bricks and mortar, bricks and mortar,
Build it up with bricks and mortar,
My fair lady.
Bricks and mortar will not stay,
Will not stay, will not stay,
Bricks and mortar will not stay,
My fair lady.
Build it up with iron and steel,
Iron and steel, iron and steel,
Build it up with iron and steel,
My fair lady.
Iron and steel will bend and bow,
Bend and bow, bend and bow,
Iron and steel will bend and bow,
My fair lady.
Build it up with silver and gold,
Silver and gold, silver and gold,
Build it up with silver and gold,
My fair lady.
Silver and gold will be stolen away,
Stolen away, stolen away,
Silver and gold will be stolen away,
My fair lady.
You have failed me for the last time;
The bridge will be built on your back
and the bones of your brothers.
***
Did you know the muffin man,
The muffin man, the muffin man,
Did you know the muffin man,
Who lived in Drury Lane?
All his properties and possessions are yours now,
You are the muffin woman,
You live on Drury Lane.
***
Down by the bay (down by the bay)
Where the watermelons grow (where the watermelons grow)
Back to my home (back to my home)
I dare not go (I dare not go)
For if I do (for if I do)
My mother will say (my mother will say)
feminism is the theory
lesbianism is the practice
***
Mary had a little man, little man, little man
Mary had a little man
whose leash was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went, Mary went, Mary went
Everywhere that Mary went
the man was sure to go.
He followed her to school one day, school one day, school one day
He followed her to school one day
which was against the rules.
It made the women laugh and play, laugh and play, laugh and play
It made the women laugh and play
to see a man at school.
And so the teacher turned him out, turned him out, turned him out
So the teacher turned him out
but still he lingered near,
And waited patiently about, ‘ly about, ‘ly about
Waited patiently about
’till Mary did appear.
***
Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake — You there! Man!
Bake me a cake as fast as you can;
Roll it, pat it and mark it with B,
Put it in the oven and feed it to me.
***
There was a crooked man, and he walked a crooked mile.
He found a crooked sixpence upon a crooked stile.
His money could not save him; he was killed with the others.
***
Simple Simon met a pieman,
Going to the fair;
Says Simple Simon to the pieman,
Let me taste your ware.
Simon was arrested for traveling alone,
The pieman was a Woman in disguise.
Men are not permitted in fairs.
It is forbidden for a man to eat pie.
Tags: it’s for sure not real though don’t worry dudes, lullabies, misandry, misandry is real…real cool, sequels no one asked for
Oh my god, the amount of baked-good themed misandrist lullabies warms the cockles of my cold dead heart.
I misread “cockles” as “cookies.”
Also, dear god, I love these.
You should publish a book of these so we can read them at bedtime to children and foster the next generation of misandrists.
YES! My husband thinks these are funny, but I wonder if he would feel that way if I read them to our daughter?
Baa, baa, black sheep,
Have you any wool?
Yes, ma’am, yes, ma’am,
Three bags full;
One for the mistress,
One for the dame,
One to smother the menfolk of the village
Who live down the lane and who have pushed their patriarchal agenda for far too long.
I would have commented sooner, but I had to clean up all the chai I spat on my laptop when I read
Ring-a-round the rosie,
A pocket full of posies,
Ashes! Ashes!
Heterosexual relationships are inherently coercive.
Also, just spitballing here, but please can there be misandrist Christmas carols sometime next month?
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Hark! the herald Angels sing
Glory to the newborn Queen
Peace on earth, and men made mild
Womyn ruling, patriarchy defiled
God rest ye merry gentlemen
permanently underneath the earth never to rise again
Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon lesbian mother and child
Because heteronormative copulation is not the only way to make a family, families come in all shapes in sizes
And Mary didn’t need no man
Goddess rest ye merry Women, let nothing you dismay
Remember our dear Matriarch seized power on this day
To save us all from men’s foolishness and shortsighted greed,
O, tidings of mi-ii-is-andry, mis-an-dry,
O, tidings of misandry
All I want for Christmas
Is to kill all men.
I don’t have time to write it right now but I’d KILL for a misandrist takedown of Baby It’s Cold Outside.
YES YES YES YES YES. It is taking all of my willpower to keep myself from just writing misandrist Christmas songs all day.
I was thinking the same about “Santa Baby.”
Santa baby
Slip a dead man under the tree, for me
I’ve been an awful bad girl
Santa baby/ get down on your knees and grovel for me/ I am your rightful ruler as a woman
Dammit, reposts
Santa baby/ get down on your knees and grovel for me/ I am your rightful ruler as a woman
She & Him’s Christmas album is terrible but it DOES include a gender-swapped version of “Baby It’s Cold Outside” which is medium-satisfying.
There’s a version from a Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS album with Liza Minnelli and Alan Cumming where they switch roles halfway through and it is GLORIOUS.
RELEVANT TO MY INTERESTS
(Also because I initially registered that as Alan Rickman and I don’t think I’ve ever been more delighted in my life. This is still good though.)
OH MY GOD IT’S ONLINE. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X81ZfUksIFc yesssss
10,000 GOLD STARS
Granddad got run over a a reindeer
Didn’t you know all of Santa’s reindeer are female and Santa is a gender-neutral title?
What Child is this who, laid to rest,
On Mary’s lap is sleeping?
In the Matriarchy, we do not honor rapists by giving their sons names,
So he will be known as Thirteen.
OH MY GOD
We three kings of Orient are
Deposed by womyn
Better by far.
Hulking, smashing
Crushing, gnashing
The patriarchy has been dismantled.
The angel Gabriel from heaven came,
With wings as drifted snow, with eyes as flame:
“All hail to thee, O lovely maiden Mary,
Most highly favored lady.” Gloria!
“For know a blessed mother thou shalt be,
All generations laud and honor thee;
Thou shalt be mother to the new matriarchy
Most highly favored lady! Gloria!”
Then steadfast Mary took her crown and said;
“I shall benevolently rule over men
As long as they remember that they are subservient to Womyn
But if they falter, my wrath shall be great.
All together now gents!” “Most highly favored lady.” Gloria
The angel Gabriel from heaven came,
With wings as drifted snow, with eyes as flame:
“All hail to thee, O lovely maiden Mary,
Most highly favored lady.” Gloria!
“For know a blessed mother thou shalt be,
All generations laud and honor thee;
Thou shalt be ruler of the new matriarchy
Most highly favored lady.” Gloria!
Then steadfast Mary took her crown and said;
“I shall be a benevolent ruler over all menfolk
But if they forget their subservience to womyn
my wrath shall be great. All together now gents!”
“Most highly favored lady! Gloria!”
(P.S. I highly recommend looking up this carol. It’s spooky as fuck (and my favorite))
oh my god I love this carol and the rewrite is PERFECT. Where would you like me to send your burnt offering?
I’ll be living in this thread all day, so here is fine. We can burn the corpses of the men we’ve murdered together, along with last year’s Christmas tree.
Eee that’s my favourite carol. Very haunting.
Deck the halls with men’s intestines
Fa la la la la, la la la la!
WINNER. Right here. Perfect.
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
For stampeding over the weakened bodies of male oppressors
Oh goodness, this one might be my favorite.
The holly and the ivy
When they are both full grown
Provide an excellent metaphor
For the intertwined community of womyn in sisterhood.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omg these are all so great.
God rest ye merry gentlemen
Let everything dismay
For nothing that might save you
Were born upon this day
We’ll sacrifice your bloody bones
To bring back the summer’s day
O tidings of solstice and glee
Solstice and glee,
O tidings of solstice and glee.
’twas the night before christmas, and all through the coven
not a man-folk was stirring; they’d been cooked in the oven
men’s dried bones were piled by the chimney with care
with hopes that the matriarch soon would be there
The weather outside is frightful
But the fire is so delightful
For we are burning the bones of the patriarchal oppressors, our vanquished foe
Let it snow, upon the corpses of men, let it snow!
It came upon the midnight clear,
That glorious song of old,
From angels bending near the earth
To reap the penis-havers with their golden scythes.
Peace on the Earth, good will to womyn,
From Heav’n’s all-gracious Queen;
The world in solemn stillness lay,
To hear the menfolk’s screams.
Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
Off with men’s heads we go
Laughing all the way
Male screams in the night ring
Their blood it is so bright
What fun it is to ride and sing
A misandrist song tonight!
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Kill all men along the way
Oh what fun it is to wield
The cleansing swords of our foremothers culling the herd of men
I am in love with everyone in this thread.
Go, Tell It On The Mountain,
Over the hills and everywhere;
Go, Tell It On The Mountain
That I decree the end of men.
I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus
Men do not have sexual agency.
This thread is going to make it very difficult for me to sing the midnight service with a straight face this Christmas.
Greensleeves was your my joy
Greensleeves was your delight,
Greensleeves was your heart of gold,
And who believes men deserve joy or gold?
*cough*
♪ Men’s nuts, roasting, on an open fire. . . . ♫
Hark how the bells,
sweet silver bells,
All seem to say,
“Cis-scum perish.”
Once in royal David’s city
Stood a lowly cattle shed,
Where a mother laid her Baby
In a manger for His bed:
Mary was that mother mild,
Jesus Christ her little Child.
Good Gracious you don’t think
We’d actually lay a malechild
In an actual bed, do you?
****
Queen of Queens, and Lady of Lords,
|: Queen of Queens and Lady of Lords:|
Crush the Lord of lords,
And She shall reign,
And She shall reign forever and ever,
Queen of Queen, forever and ever,
And Lady of lords,
For She has crushed the patriarchy
Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
And She shall reign forever and ever,
|: Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!
(Change a couple of pronouns and that one writes itself.)
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
Which was a signifier of his inferiority
To the female reindeer and their sleek perfection
All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names (Like “misogynist!”)
They never let poor Rudolph
Participate in the matriarchal equality ceremonies
YES that was the best!
I’m teaching all of these to my nieces.
“Sequels no one asked for” – I disagree, I was begging for this.
“It is forbidden for a man to eat pie” tipped me over and now I’m crying. This is perfect.
My husband responded to that line with, “Maximum heresy.”
Now I want pie.
There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the center of her forehead
When she was good she was very very good
And she was always very very good but the men of the village wailed and knashed their teeth, for she was a lesbian.
Lavender’s blue, dilly dilly,
Lavender’s green
No man will be king, silly billy,
Men are too weak-minded and irrational to rule
Who told you so, dilly dilly,
Who told you so?
‘Twas my own heart, dilly dilly,
I don’t need a man to tell me to assume my rightful place as Matriarch
All of mankind, dilly, dilly
Will be put to work
Some to the plough, dilly dilly,
Some to the fork
Some to the hay, dilly dilly,
Some to thresh corn
Whilst I look on and draw strength, dilly dilly,
From the sweat and tears of men
One, two,
Buckle my shoe;
Three, four,
Knock at the door;
Five, six,
Pick up sticks;
Seven, eight,
Lay them straight:
Nine, ten,
This is how you manage the males in your ownership. They don’t deserve names.
It’s my total aspiration to be the mom one day who tells her eye-rolling children that feminism is the theory and lesbianism is the practice.
I AM THE MUFFIN WOMAN
i just want to roll around and bask in this post, as one might a pile of puppies or a beautiful field watered by the tears of a thousand men
I was kind of secretly hoping Mary would have a nice “lamb” stew after school. These are amazing, of course.
Mary “Hannibella” Lecter?
Mary had a little lamb
its fleece was white as snow
and everywhere that Mary went
she ritually sacrificed it for the matriarchy and served tagine.
I’ll get the Chianti.
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
Who had so many children, she didn’t know what to do
So she sued every man in town for child support and forged paternity tests
And gave them all broth while she went out for a manicure.
Mallory, if we had known a sequel was an option, obviously we would have requested it.
I wonder if we can request sequels to anything else?
Virginia Woolf, Angel Hunter.
I am overcome with emotion!
These are fantastic!!!
More please. I read them to my husband . He is learning his proper place
I just REALLY NEEDED these today, you guys.
How long ’til we cross over into misandrist double-dutch rhymes?
Cinderella dressed in yellow
went upstairs to kiss her fellow
chose instead to kiss a snake
because fuck that fellow right in the ear
Fudge, fudge
Call the judge
Scandyhoovian’s having a baby
Her boyfriend’s going crazy
Because he knows he’ll be ritually sacrificed to ensure the health of his offspring
Now that his biological function has been fulfilled
Benjamin Franklin went to France
To teach the ladies how to dance.
First cut off his heel, and then the toe,
Spin around and out you go.
Because no man is going to tell me how I should dance.
Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack,
All dressed in black, black, black,
With the corpses of men, men, men,
Piled at her back, back, back
She asked her mother, mother, mother
For an axe and lance, lance, lance
For when the boys, boys, boys
Pull down their pants, pants, pants
Miss Suzy had a flaming sword of justice, the sword it had a bell
And if she crossed a man’s path, she’d send him straight to hell–
O, operator, give me number nine,
And if you connect me to a man I’ll cut off your–
Behind the ‘fridgerator, there was a piece of glass
Miss Suzy used it to cut a man’s throat because he touched her as–
k me no more questions, tell me no more lies,
The boys are in the bathroom, weeping over their severed penises
PERFECT
Not last night but the night before
Twenty-four robbers came knockin’ at my door
As I ran out…
…They ran in
Then I set the place on fire and made appropriate sacrifices to the Great Mother
I’m reading these out to my husband and boyfriend, and nearly crying with laughter, to the point where they’re starting to become concerned for my health, cos I can’t even speak for laughing.
The only possible way these could be improved would be to change “menstruating companion” to something less essentialist, cos I personally know several men who menstruate, as well as both cis and trans women who do not.
The matriarchy must be perfected. More so I mean, as it’s clearly already perfect.
Little Jack Horner
sat in a corner
eating a Christmas pie.
He put in his thumb
and the pie exploded
because he stole it from
a feminist collective potluck.
Georgie Porgie pudding and pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry
out for vengeance, blood and tears
no man may touch the sacred flesh of womankind
unless as part of the mating ritual
Georgie Porgie will suffer as he bleeds for his heresy
OH MY GOD
Peter pumpkin-eater
Had a wife but could not keep her
For she was her own woman and belonged to no man.
<3
Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick,
Jack display obeisance to your female superiors,
You useless prick.
Pease porridge hot, pease porridge cold,
Pease porridge in the pot, nine days old;
Some eat it hot, some eat it cold,
Filthy men eat gruel and do as they are told.
Hush little baby don’t say a word,
Papa’s going to buy you a mockingbird.
And if that mockingbird don’t sing,
Papa’s going to buy you a diamond ring.
And if that diamond ring turns brass
Mama’s going to nail Papa’s ass to the wall and use his money as she sees fit.
I am crying.
Little Boy Blue, don’t blow your horn
Who told you you could make use of such an obvious phallic symbol
And anyway little boys don’t deserve nice shiny things like horns
Go stand in the corner and think about what you’ve done
I’m pretty sure that EVERYONE wanted this sequel. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure that EVERYONE wanted this sequel. Thank you.
Jack Sprat could eat no fat;
His wife could eat no lean.
She was deliberately starving him
So that he would know his place.
I have no clever rhymes of my own to add, I just want to say how cool it is to see things like these posts in print. I am so grateful that the toast exists and provides a space for writing like this. And the comments and community are such an added bonus. You’re amazing, toast!
I have no clever rhymes of my own to add, I just want to say how cool it is to see things like these posts in print. I am so grateful that the toast exists and provides a space for writing like this. And the comments and community are such an added bonus. You're amazing, toast!
Oh, the grand old Duke of York,
He had ten thousand men.
He marched them up to the top of the hill
Where they were an easy target for the Great Cull.
This reminds me of a lot of poetry slams.
In the land of Oz, it’s a womyn’s land, it’s ours
The command is spake: let the worker drone-men wake!
Drone-men we possess so that science may progress!
When the drones are dead, we will dance upon their head
We let ash disperse, then breed more drones like the first
WINNER. Right here. Perfect.
Not last night but the night before
Twenty-four robbers came knockin' at my door
As I ran out…
…They ran in
Then I set the place on fire and made appropriate sacrifices to the Great Mother
I’m up at 4am to get ready for work…found this because my bf cross-posted it to me on Tumblr. And I can’t stop laughing. I’m laughing so hard, I’m crying. Hilarious!