Still not worth it:
People who regularly eat nuts appear to live longer, according to the largest study of its kind.
The findings, published in the New England Journal of Medicine, suggested the greatest benefit was in those munching on a daily portion.
An alternate study has found results that lead to a different conclusion:
Once ingested, an almond will absorb roughly 1000% of the natural moisture found in the human mouth. Do you remember that old rumor that the government classified anyone who had taken LSD more than six times as legally insane? Anyone who eats more than six almonds in a sitting has, legally, died of thirst. It’s the same principle.
Luckily, your mouth will soon be able to rehydrate once you start bleeding from the gums, where flak from a thousand jagged almond slivers have made a thousand tiny cuts.
Nuts are garbage; eating a nut is like eating a pebble that has been halfway enchanted into something edible by a witch who got distracted during spell-casting and left it frozen in stasis, neither rock nor food. You can tell the New England Journal of Medicine I said so.
Tags: nuts, science, suck it the new england journal of medicine
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So Gwyneth Paltrow said in one of her dumb books that if you soak raw almonds in water it gives them sort of a vanilla flavor and makes them not as brittle and dry, and I just want to let everyone know that it’s BULLSHIT. I did that and somehow the almonds got even more mealy and dry, and then sprouted mold after three days.
I read and did the same thing and actually liked it. The nuts flavor the water slightly and make it taste a little sweeter, but not in a nutty way.
Of course, I also enjoy other despicable things like apples and biscuits with tea.
Did you strain them? I could imagine if they were still in water they might be ok, but she said to strain them so they just dried out immediately.
Do you remember that old rumor that the government classified anyone who had taken LSD more than six times as legally insane? Anyone who eats more than six almonds in a sitting has, legally, died of thirst. It’s the same principle.
. . . is it?
Yes.
What about soaked cashews made into cashew cream? This is delicious and a cornerstone to delicious vegan cooking. Vegan cooking saves meat for cats to enjoy and is therefore good.
I have no objection to anything that has been turned into cream; vegans may do as they please.
If you vegans could just hurry up and figure out what the hell “meadowcream” is and distribute it en masse, that would good too.
“Meadow cream is cream flavoured with the honey and sweet herbs of the meadow,”
-Brian Jacques
They have witches in New England! The populations have bounced back with the intercession of various well-meaning crystal-bearing earth mothers who tired of the endless summer of the Southwestern Deserts and returned to their rainy, seasonal homes. These brave witches can confirm the truth: Almonds are delicious and good for you.
The only time an almond coincides with deliciousness is inside a Toblerone; and that’s more in spite of the almond than because of it.
I think this post to Yo Is This Racist on the topic is relevant.
http://yoisthisracist.com/post/67635987016/yo-i-j…
The best, most delicious snack ever: raw almonds with fresh cherries. mmmmmmmmmmm. If I will actually legally die from almond ingestion it’s totally worth it.
Counterpoint: just eat the cherries tho
Toasted almonds; dry cherries. Also worth consuming.
How about eating any other nut, say walnuts, pecans, cashews, hazelnuts, peanuts, macadamias, need I go on? Nobody actually eats almonds. The other nuts have all the same health benefits, only the walnut growers don’t need to commission a study on the health benefits of walnuts because they’ve got a tasty product that people are happy to eat without needing to know it’s good for them.
True story — I eat walnuts every damn day. I tear off little pieces of swiss cheese and roll them around walnut halves for breakfast. Protein and deliciousness. Now you might say “Yes, but cheese is amazing on its own,” and you would be ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, but you put some walnuts in there, and that is some next-level shit.
Oh, but I agree that almonds are vile. As are cashews. Pecans are okay in pie form.
Cashews are nice in stir frys!
Okay, I had to come back to this, because yesterday I had a veggie pizza with cashews on it, and it was actually pretty good. So, sorry, cashews. You’re okay mixed in with other stuff, just not on your own.
I read the original anti-almond post all “Ha ha Mallory, but no, almonds are awesome, I totally bought a package just to snack on!”
And then I remembered that the package is still sitting in my fridge a month later, because I ate one handful of almonds and realized that actually, almonds suck and I didn’t want to eat any more of them.
You refrigerate your almonds?
I have those grain-eating moths (third year of trying to kill them all after the initial infestation), and while I’m pretty sure they don’t like almonds, I’m also pretty sure they don’t like cat litter, and yet I’ve opened bags of cat litter to find those moths in them. So I put all non-canned food stuffs in the fridge now, because while plastic doesn’t seem to deter them, they haven’t yet learned how to open fridge doors.
THOSE MOTHS ARE SO HARD TO GET RID OF
Those moths will eat nuts, most assuredly (I’m amazed by the cat litter). The only solution I know of is to put stuff you buy that they like put it in the freezer right away, for about 24 hours. Then take out and either refrigerate or leave on the shelf and consume with relative alacrity.
I was informed that the infestations happen because their eggs are on everything and if you freeze stuff then the eggs are killed.
And, in other news, I like eating almonds, and other nuts? I think there is room for all of us in this world.
But, then you’re just eating their eggs on everything…….
*sobs*
You do know those eggs are probably already there, right? Best not to think about that.Now be a brave girl and put the flour and nuts and cornmeal in the freezer. All better.
Oh god, I remember having those once growing up, and they were the worst. I’m so sorry for you.
I said “once” but that “once” was like 5 years, so.
What… what is in your cat litter? Can these moths chemosynthesize energy from clay?
Swheat Scoop; in fairness, it’s grain-based.
I then switched to a clay litter (non-clumping) and my cats are fine with it and it doesn’t get moths, plus it’s cheaper, so…I guess with the cat litter, the moths sort of did me a favor. (As in, thanks for the favor, now you must all die.)
As a person allergic to all tree nuts, I can’t help but agree that nuts are garbage, poisonous garbage.
Nuts are heaven. Especially cashews. I am literally eating a tin of almonds as I type this and they are perfection.
Somehow I missed the original almond trolling post, which is a damn shame because I would have been in the comments giving 10,000 standing ovations. Snacking on nuts is the worst. My pantry is full of almost-full bags of nuts I’ve bought in attempt to break my cracker habit but guess what, not happening.
A cracker habit is the best habit to have.
Almonds! I will defend you! You sort of have a taste, and that taste is sort of delicious! I will continue to snack on you when I’m at work sometimes!!!
such enthusiastic support for almonds! it’s like you almost maybe like them a little bit.
that study was funded by the International Tree Nut Council (here’s the press release that BBC story was based on: http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2013-11/mp…. totally suspicious!
Insert “Big Nut” joke here.
The only possible response is to quote Andre the Giant.
“Anybody want a peanut?”
Finally, something that excuses the amount of money I spend on granola-making!
But but but, the almonds from Trader Joe’s, covered in dark chocolate and sugar and sea salt?
Imagine a scenario where the nut was removed. Would you still eat said confection? If so, the almonds are irrelevant and probably actually bringing the whole thing down.
No, the almonds are necessary in this case!
I’m agnostic on whether the taste would be affected, but the almonds allow me to justify eating twice as many, due to omega something or others. I think having the almond in there basically makes it a salad.
Between the health benefits of the dark chocolate and the almonds, you will probably live forever.
All the evidence so far suggests that’s true!
But almonds are good, & so are almond-flavored things? like marzipan?
Also, brazil nuts.
Weirdly, almond-FLAVORED things are delicious.
Noooooo almond-flavoured things are the WORST! Give me an actual almond and keep your nasty almond flavoured things away from me!
But almond-flavored things distill all the tasty bits of the almonds and ditch the part where I have to chew them for a billion years. Almond-flavored = BEST.
Almond is the only good extract. Well, and vanilla, obviously.
Whose idea was banana extract, can someone tell me that? Why does anyone think fake banana flavor is a positive in any (non-torture-based) situation?
Brazil nut pollination is the best thing ever, the best, it delights me.
Actual Brazil nuts, not so much. But you should continue eating them, because it legit saves the rainforest.
All the nuts I eat, I guess I’ll live forever. Then I can eat EVEN MOAR ALMONDS (and cashews).
EATING RAW ALMONDS RIGHT NOW
RIGHT NOW
Am not dead yet and I’ve eaten three already.
Four
Five
Six
…seven
and now you’re dead and can’t post anymore. RIP, EPW.
FIFTEEN
<3 u, EPW
It’s okay, almonds. You can come over here and sit with me. Shhhh, shhhhh, don’t you listen to her. I’ll keep you safe…
… IN MY MOUTH NOM NOM NOM.
(Almonds: delicious but gullible.)
Walnuts are okay, and I love marzipan, but straight up almonds are like eating wood and tears. If tears were dry and papery. Can I get the results from just eating blocks of marzipan all the time?
I want to say that almonds are like eating cardboard, but then I thought about it and decided that cardboard probably has more of a taste than almonds do.
MARZIPAN!?! Marzipan is the wooooooooooooooorst. I did not know there were people that actually liked marzipan.
I hate marizpan with every fibre of my being.
Marzipan is delicious! Maybe you’re confusing it with the gross fake-flavoured almond paste stuff? My siblings and I would each get a package of marzipan in our Xmas stocking, and it was the best.
Almonds taste like queasiness, if queasiness were a flavour.
Almost as bad as brazil nuts, which taste like you’re biting into a particularly meaty bug. Almost as bad as cashews, which taste like that time you ate some of your dad’s chewing tobacco because you were seven and it seemed like a good idea.
not to distract from the nuts at hand, but do the comments look weird you on this thread?
The comments go back and forth on the weirdness-look for me. I haven’t figured out the rhyme or reason yet, but I have just taken to refreshing until they look right.
I think it’s to do with the random switching between intensedebate and wordpress login?
When I was hiking across Spain I stupidly bought a 1lb bag of almonds right before I left, thinking they would be a great snack food and I would eat them pretty quickly. Pretty sure I still had 1/3lb left at the end… they were that bad.
I just realized that almonds are the chicken of the nut world. They don’t taste like anything themselves, but they are excellent for soaking up other flavors and pretending those are their true flavor. Please see: smokehouse almonds, spiced almonds, almonds roasted in olive oil and rosemary at the swanky bar that I go to because that’s their free bar snack, frickin’ gourmet roasted almonds.
Raw almonds = unseasoned baked chicken.
There are these salt and vinegar almonds that are so much better than they have any right to be and I feel so virtuous when I eat them.
And don’t forget Blue Diamond Wasbi Soy Almonds, that s$%t is the bomb. Who even cares that there are almonds in all of that flavored goodness!!
Nuts are good if they are covered in salt and “smoky flavouring” which probably defeats the purpose.
so i signed up for graze.com and it’s nice to have a variety in my daily snacks at work for one day (because i am not good at portioning the 4 snacks out over the week), but like 50% of their options are almonds or other nuts (but mostly almonds) and i’m giving them the side-eye like whoa. i have a walnut snack coming next week that i will try because that’s the main reason i signed up (to try new snack things like dried fruit did you know that dried apple isn’t crunchy? it’s actually a little bit tasty! i was shocked. the mix they have with lingonberries and apple and blueberries is the best)
anyway, i am disappointed in these nuts people. and is the study about eating nuts in ADDITION to your regular food or instead, because that’s not clear and if i have to give eat them instead, well, i guess i’mma have to forfeit those extra years of living. too bad so sad.
Graze are fun for getting a tiny edible surprise regularly, but I wish they would stop with the calorie-counting bs.
Yeah, some of their “healthful!” claims strike me as a little bit bs/marketing, but I love surprise clubs (I also do Ink Drop via GouletPens.com for monthly surprise ink samples, and if I were a cheese or beer person, I would probably join a cheese or beer of the month club. or yarn. or whatever), and I’m trying to add variety to my diet, so it’s a good way to do it, as long as I keep in mind the expense and ignore everything they say about calories or fiber or fruit servings.
Frankly, just knowing that the snacks are a little bit outside my comfort zone and most likely better for me than another bag of potato chips or a candy bar is enough of a selling point. I had the ..cranberry orange? something? oats bar last week and it’s another thing I wouldn’t have tried on my own, in addition to the dried apple a few weeks ago. I hated granola bars as a kid, but these oat bars are really good! and maybe something I can make for myself.
Exactly, that’s what I like about it -I’d never buy these things for myself, but having them arrive cutely packaged on my doorstep is delightful. However, the blurbs are grating, and my friends with a history of ED can find them actively triggering. Can’t we just enjoy delicious food because it’s delicious, without tying it up with morality and weight issues?
Damn, a cheese club is a brilliant idea. Cool ink, do you do calligraphy?
Yeah, I actively ignore all the little dot icons on the snacks, because of my own disordered eating habits. (My mom was anorexic during my childhood, and I learned a lot of her behaviors, unfortunately, because I didn’t know better.)
Not calligraphy specifically, though I have been practicing stylised lettering for funsies. I’m just a stationery junkie and use fountain pens for day-to-day writing tasks and at work, and one of the fun things is the hundreds of inks out there. So Ink Drop gives you 5 2ml samples of ink for $10 each month, to a theme, and it lets me try all kinds without dropping $15 for a single bottle all the time. And $15/bottle is pre-shipping and is the lower end of pricing. There’s nothing like getting 50ml of ink and hating the color or it not working well with your pens/paper!
Yesterday, I went to a seminar about almond pollination. Did you know that 10% of almonds are pollinated by house flies? You do now.
I have ground up toasted almonds and made a dark chocolate cake with them . It is the highest and best use of almonds