Previously: apples are terrible.
Something that seems intrinsic to the human condition is the need to periodically create slideshows of healthy snacks. I do not know why this is the case, but the same eight fistfuls of food regularly make the Internet rounds at least a few times a year. You and I could all name them in our sleep: the two dice’ worth of cheese cubes, some thick-ass yogurt, the palm-sized serving of dried apricots, the banana with peanut butter, a hard-boiled egg and the thought of some pickles, the half-cup of edamame, a carefully measured amount air-popped popcorn, carrots and hummus, something involving a rolled-up tube of deli turkey, and a fistful–always a fistful–of motherfucking almonds.
All nuts are terrible, almost indistinguishably so, but almonds are the worst by virtue of how often they are forced upon us.* You never know when someone’s going to say “Hungry?” and proffer a hefty Trader Joe’s bag full of them. Your doctor will recommend them to you. Every magazine in the world, from The Economist to Women’s Wear Daily, will suggest you eat a bowl of them before going to holiday parties to keep you from overeating at least twice an issue until mid-January, when it will start suggesting you eat a bowl of them every afternoon. The world will never stop recommending almonds to you. And yet you must resist them.
Almonds are deceivers. They contain all the elements of an ideal snack, and yet they taste like the foulest fragments of chalk from the Devil’s schoolroom. They are crunchy; crunchy is good. Pickles and Chex mix and saltines and breadsticks and potato chips are crunchy; they are good. They are salty; salty is good. Deviled eggs and pretzels and chips and guacamole are salty; they are good. Salt and vinegar chips are both crunchy and salty; they are a near-perfect food. And yet an almond is a dusty and a dry and a flavorless thing.
All almonds taste stale; they resist being bitten, to be sure, but there is not the same satisfactory, brittle snap that characterizes the truly crunchy snack. There is the initial breaching of that shreddable, paper-like skin, followed by dental penetration into the wide and chalky interior, then finally chaos as the nut shatters into a thousand little pieces, all of which immediately lodge themselves somewhere deep in the gums. The almond has already been chewed, yet your almond ordeal has only just begun.
Once ingested, an almond will absorb roughly 1000% of the natural moisture found in the human mouth. Do you remember that old rumor that the government classified anyone who had taken LSD more than six times as legally insane? Anyone who eats more than six almonds in a sitting has, legally, died of thirst. It’s the same principle.
Luckily, your mouth will soon be able to rehydrate once you start bleeding from the gums, where flak from a thousand jagged almond slivers have made a thousand tiny cuts.
The texture of an almond is like nothing else in the world. It is not quite crunchy; it is not pleasantly yielding. In some ways it resembles jerky or a particularly overcooked slab of beef. It crumbles and splinters and shatters and pulverizes into dust under the relentless onslaught of the force of chewing. And what does it offer in the way of flavor to compensate for its textural shortcomings? Dust and ashes and nothing. What does an almond smell like? Nothing. What does an almond taste like? A mouthful of sand. A hacking, persistent cough in the night. Longing and despair. Heat without relief. The memory of water.
Here is an anecdote from my friend Greg to illustrate:
I have tried to eat less by eating a whole bunch of almonds.
that did not work out.
there’s just not a whole going on upstairs with almonds
but I was just like, okay, i’m going to eat almonds instead of food
which is what i usually eat
so I got this Costco thing of almonds
like a brick of almonds.
and ate a bunch of them
let’s say, 150 almonds
but then there were still a lot left
and I stopped eating them
so these little moths got in there
wound up with a big bag of moth-eaten almonds
which is sort of the revelation of the final condition of the almond
There are those of you who will seek to defend the almond by attempting to discuss nut butters. Let me assure you: there will be world enough and time to discuss nut butters in the Nut Butters edition of Food Trolling with Mallory. Conserve your strength. Then there are those of you who will attempt to defend the almond by telling me it tastes good chopped up in a brownie, or a Snickers bar, or whatever. Everything tastes good chopped up in a Snickers bar. Your argument is specious at best; I believe you are lightheaded from your almond-heavy diet.
Almonds fucking suck.
*There is in all the world but one nut exception, and that is the tiny packet of peanut fragments that comes with every hot fudge sundae at McDonald’s (are you asking for extra hot fudge when you order your hot fudge sundae? When you order extra fudge, they put fudge on the bottom before they shlump the soft-serve in, then the traditional fudge nearer to the top, so you don’t run out of fudge halfway through your sundae like you usually do. Order the extra hot fudge). It is the exact right amount of peanut, in the exact right shape and size. You pour the peanut dust over your sundae, and it gives the whole thing a little bit of resistance. It’s great.
Tags: almonds, cashews, food trolling, nuts, whimsically held positions
so sad, all they are trying to do is offer nourishment to those who deign to eat them, why are you so mean to these poor foods? almonds and apples, go on brush your shoulders off, pears can be pimps, too, go on brush your shoulders off.
You know what goes well with a handful of salted, roasted almonds? A juicy apple, preferably Macintosh. And a glass of soy milk.
tag: trollback
what kind of monster drinks glasses of soy milk
*lifts glass to lips and sips delicately*
I have no idea.
it’s not even really milk, is the thing.
it’s, like, soy juice. if only they would just call it by the correct name. (i still wouldn’t drink it)
I just bought a bag of almonds this week. I will give them to the moths.
“Everything tastes good chopped up in a Snickers bar”
DAMN IT you pre-empted me. Have you tried smoked almonds though?
However, I would exchange all the almonds in the world for cashews (don’t you DARE troll cashews).
The main problem with almonds (and all other nuts) is that they’re so fucking expensive. It makes me want to start a nut farm and eat all the profits.
Man. Cashews. Yum.
I got a taste for cashews as a kid, and love them SO. MUCH. SOMUCH. FLAMES. ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE.
But then at about 13 I developed the hereditary cashew allergy. Fate is a cruel mistress.
noooooooooo D:
ENJOY THEM FOR US, ICEBERGMAMA. ENJOY THEM FOR THOSE OF US LEFT BEHIND.
You get a +1 for referencing Clue.
Yeah, smoked or roasted almonds have a better texture than raw.
Also yes to the expensive. But they are such a good snack in so many shapes and sizes.
BEING SMOKED MAKES THEM TASTE EVEN WORSE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
smoking is cool Mallory don’t you want to be cool
The Trader Joe’s honey-sesame cashews are SO GOOD. I watched my father go from scoffing at them to eating half the bag in a sitting in one night. And I will side with you on smoked almonds, but only because they’re the ideal salt/smoke delivery system.
I have honey-sesame almonds from TJ’s and I certainly can eat the bag in a sitting it is bad.
I don’t actually hate almonds, but I can get behind this merely out of my loathing of the worthless old “Hungry? Try a handful of nuts!” BS. Hands up if anyone has ever been satiated by, like, eight almonds. (Hershey Kisses don’t count.)
dude, the only reason i’d be satiated by 8 Hershey Kisses with Almonds is because it’s so much work to separate the almond from the chocolate that I’ve thrown them away from my face in a fit of almond-hate and found a can of pringles to empty into my stomach, or something.
i might loathe nuts of all kinds. except honey roasted peanuts and cashews. SOMETIMES.
“When I lived in Algiers, I would wait patiently all winter because I knew that in the course of one night, one cold, pure February night, the almond trees of Vallée des Consuls would be covered with white flowers. I would marvel then at the sight of this fragile snow resisting the rains and the wind from the sea. Yet every year it lasted just long enough to prepare the fruit.”
–Albert Camus, The Almond Trees
Almonds, nuts of resistance.
Yeah, flowers are rad, good for the trees. JUST DON’T EAT THE DANG NUTS Mindy!!!!
“There is no symbol here. We will not win our happiness with symbols.”
–Albert Camus, The Almond Trees
We will win our happiness with nuts.
I’m not going to look to CAMUS for happiness tips.
Camus: “More than ever, these virtues are necessary today, and each of us can choose the one that suits him best.”
I choose almonds.
Camus: “Before the vastness of the undertaking, let no one forget strength of character. I don’t mean the theatrical kind on political platforms [my itals], complete with frowns and threatening gestures. But the kind that through the virtue of its purity and its sap, stands up to all the winds that blow in from the sea. Such is the strength of character that in winter of the world will prepare the fruit.”
That fruit being almonds.
No wait! Have you ever tried soaking your almonds and then roasting them? Not only is it more delicious, but it’s supposedly better for you as well (or at least Gwyneth thinks so).
Basically:
– soak your almonds (say, a cup) in some water (say, 4 cups) overnight
– drain, rinse, leave in a colander for five minutes to drain some of the water
– roast for 20~ minutes in a 300 degree oven, stirring frequently
They’re done when they’re crispy and fragrant. Mmmm.
This sounds like a lot of work. One time, I tried to make almond dip. I soaked my almonds overnight then mixed it with a packet of onion dip powder (like, instead of using sour cream). It was good, but it never quite reached the right consistency.
“I know you hate this food, but have you tried soaking it in water til it swells and bloats, then setting it on fire?” I AM NOT SOLD ON YOUR STRATEGY. Hi guys. Good morning. I love you all.
SALT AND VINEGAR CHIPS are you fucking kidding me
Like why not just down a bottle of vinegar for all the good they do me
I know that’s supposed to sound horrific, but I would totally down a bottle of vinegar. With pleasure.
I mean they’re fine, I have a pretty broad & forgiving palate, but if you set yourself up as a massive food troll and then trot out SALT AND VINEGAR CHIPS as one of the “good” foods… well, I dunno, it’s certainly a very Mallory thing to do.
It’s like going “ALL HERBS SUCK except cilantro”
That’s a very apt comparison. I see your point.
You are literally a madman if you don’t like salt and vinegar chips. I don’t even know what to say to you. Salt and vinegar chips are unimpeachable.
I disagree with your stance on almonds, but agree with your Salt and Vinegar supporting ways.
(They’re crisps, though. CRISPS, MALLORY THE BRITISH ARE ALWAYS RIGHT)
I mean why bother buying them if you can just lick the salty, vinegary grease out of discarded boxes from an English takeaway? (Am I doing this right?)
My ideal snack would be being left utterly alone with a sleeve of salt & vinegar Pringles and slowly, almost dreamily, eating the entire stack until the inside of my mouth has gone that odd corrugated texture. *winces in anticipation of PRINGLES BEFORE NORMAL CHIPS JESUS CHRIST YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME*
Vinegar is a CLEANING SUPPLY
I defy you to show me any human being who cleans their house with MALT VINEGAR, Ren.
Balsamic is great for windows!
Raw nuts are almost always the worst. Toasted nuts are almost always the best. The editors of this website, above all, should appreciate the power of toasting.
Roasting/toasting = the best. Hot salted roasted macadamia nuts… *drool*
Making a shitty-tasting, dry-ass nut temporarily hot fixes none of the problems of aforementioned nut. KEEP EM COMING, GUYS.
I think it brings the oils out, which helps with the dryness though RIGHT GUYS?
“Brings out the oils” WHERE WERE THEY HIDING MAMA
No but seriously it does because it gives them actual flavor, and also fixes the texture issue by turning them more properly crunchy! And you can also roast them with other delicious things like tamari which makes them EVEN BETTER and oh man, is it lunchtime yet?
Macadamia nuts are AMAZING. Toasted and salted from Costco Hawaii. Little crunchy salty butterballs
What’s that, Mallory? You want me to send you some of this apple almond chutney I’m making?
send it to meeeeeeee
Okay, this is a serious question: do people put nuts in chutney? That sounds awful! I thought chutney was supposed to be just a thicker version of jam.
I have a bunch of chutney recipes that call for nuts to be added. Fuck that, I’m not ruining perfectly good spreads with nuts. (Chutneys have vinegar and sugar as preservatives in there, unlike jam, which depends on sugar. Chutney’s more savory.)
Yeah, chutneys are generally savory, but she couldn’t call the recipe a jam because of the nuts. I think recipe might actually be called a “conserve,” but that’s even more obscure.
(It’s really good. It also has grape juice and honey in it.)
Why are you making charoset in September?
Almonds are fucking amazing, I don’t even care. Did you know cyanide smells like bitter almonds. ALMOND EXTRACT is the flavour of winter and hatred and delight! Almonds make marzipan, and marzipan is the most fantastic food.
Marzipan in the shape of apples with 70% chocolate stems and a sense of impeccable moral superiority. DELICIOUS.
Yes yes marzipan marzipan foreverrrrrrrr
Related: skinning blanched almonds is a great mindless task to do while watching TV.
Almond flavor is good, for some reason. I’m not crazy about marzipan, but almond-flavored desserts are totally good and get a pass from me.
Thankfully, like grape flavor, almond flavor tastes nothing like almonds.
Almond extract/flavoring is derived from bitter (poisonous!) almonds, whereas the almonds we eat are ‘sweet’ almonds.
This is a new thing I just learned.
So… it’s… that almonds smell like cyanide.
Well played, me. Back pats and more research for next round it is.
Almond croissants….*loud Homer drool*
Of course, this involves surrounding the almonds with loads of butter and sugar, which is always a good thing.
Very Important Question: Does this approval also apply to financiers (and to a lesser extent, macarons)? I think all tea-time sweet snacks should probably get a pass, but who knows in this topsy-turvy Toastiverse. ..
Financiers are my Proustian sense memory of Paris. I would get them on the way home from class, and the bakery employees would warm it in the microwave for me. Warm buttery vanilla-y deliciousness on a cool fall day. Heaven.
More importantly, almonds are in amaretto.
my elderly aunt buys me weird shit in bulk for Christmas, which means I literally have six pounds of almonds in my pantry. relatedly, I haven’t bought tampons in four years.
what do I do with the almonds tho
For a second, I was pretty sure you had already told me what you did with the almonds. And I was going to suggest a doctor.
But Ummm… Grind them up and use them as gravel for your driveway? Mulch?
if only my studio apartment came with a driveway. but oh man just THINK of the possibilities of almonds were absorbent
Grind them into a flour like consistency and then use them to make this cake: http://www.simplyrecipes.com/recipes/flourless_le…
Make marzipan & give it back to your aunt as a Christmas present. (Unless you like almonds, in which case eat the marzipan yourself.)
I think you can freeze almonds to keep them from going rancid … but 6 pounds is a daunting amount. Toss them at rowdy squirrels?
Ok, so I was with you about the apples, but this almond thing has gone too far.
You are precisely wrong. Apples are amazing and wonderful, while almonds are little dried tree craps that people want you to eat. They taste like tree poo.
First they came for the apples and I did not speak out because I do not like apples.
MARCONA ALMONDS THAT IS ALL GOODNIGHT
Wait no one more thing ALMOND M&MS THE KING OF M&MS except maybe dark chocolate m&ms? I must investigate this further with my mouth.
SNAP! They are the best for my taste buds but the worst for my wallet. Plus, rosemary.
I know, but I feel like the “anything tastes good in a Snickers” argument applies here–like, I’m pretty sure I’d eat an eraser if it were bathed in olive oil & rosemary.
(full disclosure: I love almonds & generally have at least four big bags of different Blue Diamond flavors in my pantry at all times. but it’s so rare that you can play devil’s advocate on the internet without actually being an asshole that I’m relishing the opportunity.)
I have never disagreed with someone’s taste so much! All nuts are delicious with the one exception of the bag of peanuts from McDonald’s hot fudge sundaes.
Agree! I have a little bag of the McDonald’s peanuts in my cupboard along with all the stray ketchup packets and such that I keep around in case I need to put nuts in something and I’ve run out… but I can never bring myself to use it, too gross.
RIGHT? How can Mallory even hold this opinion, it’s insane. She’s confused.
Mallory! Have you tried any of the flavored almonds? There are even salt and vinegar ones. http://www.bluediamond.com/index.cfm?navid=31
They’re no Cape Cod s/v chips, obviously, but if you temper your expectations, these may make a believer out of you!
DID YOU EVEN READ THIS ESSAY
I am Anti-Nut as well but for some reason tried the salt & vinegar almonds and they are… not bad? not good, definitely, but I’ve bought them again for a late-afternoon snack. They’re, like, compellingly almost-good.
I used to hate almonds and now I love them. It started with a croissant that I thought was plain, but had a sugary almond paste hiding in the middle. Then I started wandering into the kitchen at midnight to sneak pinches of marzipan. Finally, a few months ago, I found myself in the bulk section at Whole Foods, with no memory of how I got there, holding a plastic sack with 2 lbs of raw almonds. I did not leave those almonds to the moths.
oh my god the almond paste croissants they are sooo goooood
I got no hate for almonds but my beekeeper friend has successfully convinced me not to buy them, because apparently they are really difficult to pollinate and ecologically unsustainable! Now you can use this knowledge to bolster your almond disdain.
(Pecans are OK, though, thank goodness.)
No, pecans are the WORST!!!
The only way I can get plain old almonds into my system is by eating each almond with at least two raisins.
I would much rather eat a bag full of salt and vinegar potato chips. I like it when they burn my taste buds off. It feels right.
RAW. MOTHERFUCKING. NUTS. I eat the shit out of them. They are awesome. CHOCK FULL OF NUTRIENTS AND FLAVOR*.
*sort of
But most of my friends who hate all other nuts either like and or tolerate almonds. So this almond hate is surprising.
Also I <3 nuts and will eat all of them for you. You can have the pickle that came with my meal, because those are truly the devil’s work.
Walnuts are the best nuts, let’s be honest.
WRONG. wrongity wrong wrong. but I still <3 u.
Particularly in chocolate chip cookies. Mmm. Healthy cookies.
And in muffins! And on top of ice cream. And just normally because cracking walnuts is a lot of fun.
Walnuts are borderline acceptable.
Your taste-buds are just opposite land.
WHAT
Mallory I expected you to be stronger than this
not that walnuts aren’t great, but hazelnuts are the best. the best ever of anything.
Only if they’re toasted. Raw hazelnuts taste something like stale chick peas.
I love hazelnuts but they don’t love me back 🙁
Walnuts are some bullshit, though.
The first time I ever bought walnuts after discovering that I liked them, the moth thing happened, and the whole inside of the container was filled with this netting? It was super freaky and took me a couple years to get over tbh. But I am back on the walnut train now.
Oh god, and then if you wait, they become half nut half maggot. Be warned, folks. If you have moths in your kitchen and netting in your food bags, you have maggots in your cupboards.
The terror.
Have the epi-pen handy. Walnuts = kryptonite for Blueblazes
Dry roasted peanuts, on the other hand. Salty crusty goodness.
What? Walnuts are the stupid person’s pecan.
Almonds are some chalky, gritty bullshit. So, cosigned. Also, walnuts taste like wax.
TEAM CASHEW AND PEANUT
Almonds are my fourth favourite nut.
(It goes macademia, pecan, hazelnut, almond)
Apples, and now this. I’m not sure how long I can keep recommending The Toast.
Ah well. More almonds for me. (eats all the almonds).
(Peanuts are the worst nut unless you buy them still in the shells. And they aren’t even really a nut.)
What IS a nut? I feel like every time I hear someone talk about nuts, they’ll mention something I TOTALLY THOUGHT WAS A NUT and say, “but that’s not actually a nut.” Cashews aren’t nuts, apparently. Peanuts aren’t nuts. Is anything a nut?
No, actually. Technically most nuts are fruits. Except the ones that are legumes (peanuts).
Nuts are really just hard, dry fruits that we gave a different name.
I thought nuts had to grow on trees? Like peanuts grow on a vine are are actually a legume (like peas and that kind of crap), but cashews grow on trees (I think?), so I thought they actually were nuts. I don’t know. Peanuts are legumes, that is extent of my knowledge on this subject I guess.
Peanuts are definitely not nuts, and the only reason I know this is because of weird paleo knowledge that has somehow seeped into my brain.
Oh! An opportunity to use my botany degree!
The botanical definition of nuts is BULLSHIT. It’s based on the tissue that the hard pericarp comes from – if it comes from the wrong tissue, it’s not a nut. Pretty much the only true nuts are hazelnuts and acorns.
Yes, let’s redefine something that’s been called a nut for centuries as some sort of drupe because botanists decided that it should be that way. Also none of your berries are berries! ABSURDITY.
As a second botany question: do you hate all the foods from the Roseaceae? Peaches? Cherries? Plums? Pears? They tend to share flavor compounds – maybe you just hate the taste of roses.
I am excited to learn this about Roseaceae! I love all those fruits (cherries above all others, plums a close second) and love all things rose-smelling. It all makes sense now. BRB reapplying Flowerbomb and finding a bowl of cherries.
Eating too many almonds just makes me feel sick.
but what about amaretto? it is almond flavored and so good!
Almonds are my favorite and you are just strange. Raw almonds are, I admit, underwhelming. But that’s why the gods gave us salt and roasting.
Milk. Almond milk. Make it yourself at home. Delicious.
Times almonds are acceptable: doused in smoke flavor, in croissants. Every so often I go on a health kick and think I’ll become that woman who willingly eats a handful of almonds, but I am not. I am that woman who eats peanut butter with a spoon.
Counterpoint: fresh-out-of-oven, shell-on almonds. Satisfaction of expertly wielding nutcrackers, hot crunchy snacks, hyphens.
I have sort of a Stockholm syndrome thing going on with raw almonds where I used to dislike them but then kept eating them anyway (because slideshows, probably) and now I’m like “MMM, GIMME SOME” even though I know deep in my heart they are actually foul. I keep a vaguely stale bag in my fridge almost at all times. BRB, gonna go shatter a handful or two of cold chalky almonds in my gums for a bit!!
The only reason almonds can make you not want other food is because when you taste them, your brain computes “if this is food then no I dont want food ever”.
I love raw almonds. I choose to eat them. You’re nuts not to.
I like almonds, but I’m not going to mount a rabid defense of them or anything. I do not find them filling, really, unless eaten in combinations with other things. I agree with everyone who says walnuts are the most superior nut ever created, and I think pecans are also nice. I put up with cashews sometimes, and peanuts were made for things like peanut butter and peanut m&ms, full stop.
But can we talk about the disgustingness of nuts baked into anything, or in ice cream, or any other way where they get soggy and gross and turn into mush that has to actually be clawed out of the grooves in your molars? Keep your gross nuts out of my cookies, banana bread (which is its own kind of baked vomit, even without nuts), ice cream, carrot cake, and every other thing that is delicious. Seriously. GTFO. The only time it’s ever good is if the nuts are added to ice cream after the fact or coated in something to preserve the crunchiness. Carnation used to make this mocha almond fudge with chocolate covered almonds, and even though I think chocolate is gross, I loved that ice cream fiercely.
Dude. I could totally write a Food Trolling post about how disgusting chocolate is, and I would mean every single word.
Baking bad shit into good shit is just mean. The disappointment of being offered carrot cake with a thick, gooey layer of cream cheese frosting only to find the frosting is there to hide the fucking raisins and motherfucking walnuts. *Throws cake away, no regrets*
My company brings in these really fancy cakes for everyone’s birthdays. It is raisin-nut carrot cake like 40 percent of the time (are there other kinds of carrot cake? I never see them). Sometimes they even do it for my birthday and I don’t say anything because it is hard to be a dick about free cake.
My feeling is, unless someone has thoughtfully/thoughtlessly bought it for you for your birthday, saying no or straight throwing it away is a Carrot Cake Best Practice.
I actually make it a point to broadcast to friends and coworkers that carrot cake is my favorite cake, but I won’t eat it if there are lumps. Result: Friend made me a “clean” carrot cake for my birthday. (I guess the experts are right when they say you should just ask for what you want. No more hinting!)
I love almonds, what have you done. I swear, you have a talent for making anything sound unappealing. You would make the best asshole food critic. You would tromp all over everyone’s Michelin stars.
Reading this, I realize that they’ve (“THEY”?) gotten to me, too. The almonds. The almond lobby. The almond-magazine-weight loss illuminati. I have those little bags of almonds EVERYWHERE. Every drawer in my office: almonds. Every cupboard in my house: almonds in tiny packets. I mean, the name of those packets – “Just A Handful” – is really terrible and evocative of awful things. or maybe it’s a bribe, as in “Aw, c’mon, it’s just a handful of almonds, you can eat that many, surely. it’s for your health.”
Almonds are a lie, unless they are ground into a butter, or roasted and in chocolate, although the latter almost isn’t worth it if you have to deal with stray almond skin.
I am so glad that with my recent dental woes (the words “fracture catastrophically” were used) I have a really good excuse to not eat nuts.
Ha ha, I keep almonds in my purse and bring them out whenever any of my friends say they’re hungry. I wouldn’t exactly say they’re my favorite, but they are excellent when I am in a hurry but need a snack. They are also the first thing I eat in the morning as I’m heading out the door, to tide me over until I get to my office and can have a real breakfast.
This is my first time to read this column and the basic premise seems to be to talk about adult food as if the writer were in elementary school and then see how many people complain or disagree. That’s pretty weak sauce. It doesn’t take much creativity.
I will add my only food “trolling” comment. There are good and bad versions of everything. If you ate cocoa as people in some cultures do (not sweet, not mixed with milk or vanilla), you’d say it was awful, too. The same goes for coffee (try using beans that are not roasted at all). Nuts are better based on the quality of the nut and how it is roasted. Marcona almonds are the best. A bag of economy raw, unsalted almonds are, of course, going to be a poor experience.
Can you do one for oatmeal?
The crazy thing is, almonds are not filling, and if you have a big bag in your desk you just eat like 7 handfuls, which is a lot of calories, and then later you have to eat more things to make up for eating 7 handfuls of raw almonds, and then you gain weight. I’ve switched to oatmeal raisin cookies, honestly, for weight loss. Or maintenance. Or something.
Good thing me and my boyfriend like me “curvy”.
I like but do not love almonds and therefore take no offense at this trolling. I think it’s super interesting, however, that almonds are one of those foods that serve as a testament to human domestication activities (more so than many of the dumb-luck plants we eat, but maybe not more so than corn which is just a weird-ass frankengrass monstrosity. Mallory, please troll corn. Gross.). Back in the day, there were only wild almonds and they were full of cyanide and not good for the eating. Then we managed to breed the weak-in-poison trees together till we got something edible and nutritious and not likely to kill you. The same kind of cyanide that is present in almonds (now in non-threatening quantities, unless you’re eating wild bitter almonds, in which case STOP THAT WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU THOSE ARE POISONOUS) is also present in apple seeds. I’m sensing a theme here.
I had no idea the cyanide-almond connection wasn’t born of Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s poetic mind!
I’m now very torn between trying to eat a lot of almonds to potentially build up my poison-resistance, just in case I ever need to do the Princess Bride trick (because that’s totally how poison works, right?), and never eating them again because they clearly come from dangerous stock and cannot be trusted.
Oh, jeez, Mallory — don’t hold back — tell us how you REALLY feel about almonds! Personally, I WUV them!
They’re good in pulverized liquid form, though. Sort of like how oranges are basically indistinguishable from wet cardboard*, but orange juice is nice. I don’t know if my lactose-intolerant ass could get through the day without almond milk. Have you ever tried soy milk? It’s disgusting, right? And rice milk might as well be water. But almond milk is frothy and creamy and delightful, perfect for having along with a PB&J, or as the base of a white sauce.
*By the way, is there ever going to be an orange-themed edition of Food Trolling? Because I would be all over that. Oranges are worthless.
1) Raw almonds get a bit of a thumbs-down from me for giving me heartburn.
2) But almond croissants, almond paste lining your pie crust, a drop of almond extract in your cookies – utterly acceptable, I hope, by all! (This from someone who used to hate marzipan with a passion.)
How to eat nuts:
Nutella
Pistachio gelato
Nothing else
I love this series because I hate apples and am allergic to almonds. LOVE.
Given that I could write a dissertation on my hatred of olives, I can’t judge anyone for their food dislikes.
However, it’s fallacy to judge all almonds by their roasted and salted brethren (which are justifiably hated). Raw, unsalted almonds are slightly sweet with a hint of creaminess to their texture. Don’t hate the innocent raw almond because health bloggers bludgeoned their reputation to death via listicle (the most shameful of reputation deaths).
I am Anti-Nut as well but for some reason tried the salt & vinegar almonds and they are… not bad? not good, definitely, but I've bought them again for a late-afternoon snack. They're, like, compellingly almost-good.
I am excited to learn this about Roseaceae! I love all those fruits (cherries above all others, plums a close second) and love all things rose-smelling. It all makes sense now. BRB reapplying Flowerbomb and finding a bowl of cherries.
I cannot wait for the nut butter edition. Peanut butter is basically spreadable bile and should not be consumed by anyone, let along foisted on young children at every opportunity. Ask me how many times I came home hungry from preschool because lunch was peanut butter sandwiches and snack was trail mix with raisins and nuts. (Ok, maybe twice, but isn’t that enough? It’s a wonder I survived.)
I cannot wait for the nut butter edition. Peanut butter is basically spreadable bile and should not be consumed by anyone, let along foisted on young children at every opportunity. Ask me how many times I came home hungry from preschool because lunch was peanut butter sandwiches and snack was trail mix with raisins and nuts. (Ok, maybe twice, but isn't that enough? It's a wonder I survived.)
Have you every been to the Toronto Island airport? It is kind of the best airport, because it is small and pretty and they have FREE ESPRESSO-BASED DRINKS and also FREE SNACKS but it can also be the worst if, like me, you are there in winter and your flight keeps getting delayed and so you have to stay there over TWO meal times because they have no food other than free food! Like, there are no stores. So, the day I was there, the free food was only a) shortbread cookies and b) almonds. And I like shortbread fine, but you can only eat so much before sugar high problems, so almonds it was for my two meals. But guys! Two meals worth of almonds is SO UNSATISFYING AND SAD. I wasn’t starving, but I also wasn’t full, and the almonds were a brick in my stomach, and I think that as I chewed the last one before I decided that starvation would be preferable I felt like I was on the edge of madness.
I love this and the spirit behind it. Still, but, have you tried sprouted almonds? They’re expensive. $5.99 for about a half-pound. I get them at Whole Foods. They are crispy and flavorful and light. I’ve gotten into the habit of soaking all my nuts before eating them, and it makes them so much more palatable and less-fatty-seeming. But they take days to dry without a dehydrator, hence the expensive store-bought choice. That’s all I got to say about nuts.
For now.
Raw almonds are okay cinnamon dusted are a little better. I usually eat them when my mom needs a weight loss/maintenance partner because I’m the only other person in the house who can tolerate half of what she ends up cooking. Salt and Vinegar almonds are an excellent substitute to the chips in regards to weightloss as far as I’m concerned because I have been known for eating or attempting to eat and entire party sized bag of salt and vinegar chips(both lays and the stronger kettle cooked, always go kettle cook if you can) and I can only get through 4 or 5 before my mouth curdles up. The best way to eat almonds though is as a warm delivery system for sugar and cinnamon on a cold night. They sell them at Disney World a lot and my family likes to go to Epcot for the Candlelight and fireworks. So during the time between when it’s to late for another meal and to cold for ice cream or soda I always buy a cone of delicious cinnamon-sugar crusted almonds. And when I say crusted, I mean that I know for a fact that the diameter of the almond more than doubles in sugar and cinnamon and I’m pretty sure more than half the weight of the almond is actually warm, cinnamon-sugary goodness.
This is way, way, way late to the party, but how did nobody bring up the DEVIL that is Jordan Almonds? They sit there looking like candy, and they are ANYTHING BUT CANDY. I don’t know how many times I was at a boring wedding/ baby shower/wake as a child and thought “thank god there is candy at this thing” only to be THOROUGHLY DISAPPOINTED.
This is way, way, way late to the party, but how did nobody bring up the DEVIL that is Jordan Almonds? They sit there looking like candy, and they are ANYTHING BUT CANDY. I don't know how many times I was at a boring wedding/ baby shower/wake as a child and thought "thank god there is candy at this thing" only to be THOROUGHLY DISAPPOINTED.