Toasties.
That. Is. Real. Poutine.
Deep fried potatoes in peanut oil. Pounds of cheese curd. Beef gravy. The magnificent, the genius, the talented, the one-and-only, the very Canadian Nicole Cliffe made POUTINE to celebrate Black Friday. What you cannot see in the photographic evidence of the event is the transcendent high experienced upon taking the first bite. The dreams that followed. The frantic waking in the middle of the night, wanting more poutine.
It may be called Black Friday, but it was the poutine-less Saturday that truly struck darkness through the very depth of the soul. Toasties. Poutine is the answer to everything.
Comment wisely.
Tags: meta, open thread, poutine, the bartender
My husband is in work again for the next three or four months, fixing computers for the police which is… interesting.
Also, I am getting back to writing again,a fter a crisis of confidence meaning all I did was tinker. I have a project in the works, which people who like my toast-published thing might like. More info at later date.
How are you all?
Congratulations on both counts! It feels so good to get the bit between your teeth again, doesn’t it?
Hey, I loved your thing on the Toast! The creepy creepy short story that was also beautiful and heartbreaking? LOVED IT. Please write more.
YUMMMM POUTINE!
Just wanted to share that I’ve been job searching for a few months now and this week in particular has been discouraging, but The Toast has been one of the key things keeping my spirits up and helping me feel human every day. Thank you all! As soon as I have an income again, I’m going to return the favor and make a donation. (Of course, I might have found a job by now if it weren’t for all the time I spend reading all the lovely posts and lovely comments….but no regrets!)
SAME. You guys are great and job searching is balls.
Do any of you have Etsy shops? Tips/tricks? I’m not looking to make a living; I just have a jewelry-making hobby and the necklaces have taken over my craft room, so I’d like to send them to a good home.
I used to have one (it’s inactive now). Are you wanting to start one up? It’s pretty simple! But let me know if you need help!
I’m listing stuff right now. I’ll let you know if I have any questions. I guess my biggest question is how to get stuff sold without spending my entire life networking on Etsy, heh.
I sold vintage stuff, so I’m not sure if it would be different for homemade item. But I always tried to make sure that there weren’t any similar items already listed on etsy. Or if there was, I made sure my prices were competitive. Most importantly, I took photos with lots of natural light! (I had some clothing items that I took photos of inside my bedroom, and they weren’t selling. So I took the items outside on a sunny day and take photos, and the clothes sold in a few days. Magic!)
My friends that are selling on etsy now all have Facebook pages devoted to their etsy shops. I’m always sure to share my friends’ pages with all of MY friends, to help them get exposure. Don’t be afraid to promote yourself! I really think that’s the best way to get sales.
why don’t you tell us your shop name!
It’s Olivette Designs! (Didn’t list it before because there was nothing there until about ten minutes ago!)
Your stuff is really pretty!
Thank you so much!
Seconded. Pretty is exactly the right word here. 🙂
Oh, very pretty!!!
I’ll be interested to hear any tips or tricks posted, too. I put up a store earlier this year and have barely had any business. It’s sad-making. Hope yours does great! I completely understand wanting to clear out the craft room. Boy, howdy do I understand that.
Link us to your shop tooooo!
I’m here! https://www.etsy.com/shop/BloomerShop
Okay I’ve edited this comment eighty billion times now. First I thought my listings had disappeared, but no they were just EXPIRED so that was even more depressing. So I made a coupon code for any Toast readers who want to order and maybe I can get some of this old stock out! Use coupon code “Toasties” for 20% off!
The weather is NASTY terrible here but this weekend my dad and I are throwing my mom a surprise 60th birthday party! Hopefully she doesn’t keel over from shock. (Her birthday isn’t til Wednesday but we figured this would be better for most people.) Any tips on acting casual while I take her around town and shop tomorrow to kill time?
Tell her you just met someone new. And then act all evasive.
Or
Bring up some trivial event from your childhood/adolescence in which your Mom was TOTALLY UNFAIR. Discuss.
Either way, cue eight hours o’ mother/daughter fun.
DC-area Toasties! Signal-boosting the DC Toastie Book Club I’m trying to get started! I’ve already received a few interested responses and we’re thinking first meeting for early February. E-mail me at [email protected] if you’re interested! Books currently in contention for the first meeting include The Goldfinch, The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms, Blindspot, and The Luminaries. But any and all suggestions are welcome. Also I need that poutine like yesterday.
Emailed you! I got really excited and wrote a way-too-long/way-too-personal email but then edited and sent a pretty normal (I hope) one. I’m so into this!!
As a tagalong to DC Toasters – does anyone wanna go to The Black Cat and watch Buffy on Saturday night? They do it every week but I haven’t been yet. I think they’re on the penultimate episode of the whole series this week? If you’re interested, email me at [email protected] !
omg
I have given up meeting strangers for the first time in large groups in loud places because I am bad at it but if this is going to happen maybe I will just give up on giving up
Come to book club, I’m terrible at meeting strangers in large groups but I think a large group of toasties is a good place to start!
It was normal, no worries! Though too personal would’ve been totally fine as well 🙂 I’m busy this Saturday but I will happily go with you to the next one!
I just moved away from DC this past summer and like the #1 thing I miss is Hellmouth Happy Hour. I can vouch from a LOT of experience that it is a perfect first friend date because you are watching TV most of the time and you can have a beer and also it is BUFFY. I actually introduced a brand new friend to Buffy this way; the episode wasn’t even particularly good, and she still went home and watched the whole series.
Is it the finale this week now?? Should I drive up just to go to that?? No, but maybe yes.
Just emailed you! I’m so looking forward to this!
Me too! Eeee!
guys, i have one week left to my hellish fall 2013 semester. two more finals. one more clinical day. tell me i can do it.
(and, for those who have been following, I may actually squeeze an A out of my stupid psych nursing class despite my stupid professor and her stupid tests! currently accepting good test juju for next week! let’s keep this A streak going for at least one more semester!)
I have two more finals too! We can do it!!
Luckily, mine are both on Wednesday (the last possible day), so while I’m annoyed I have to be here till then, I also have a lot of time to study (and procrastinate).
We totally can do it! I already had TWO finals, and have TWO more (for only two classes – one final is for board exam prep and the other is just for the class). The light at the end of the tunnel is so briiiiiiiight… just keep chugging along!!!
you’re gonna make it! and its gonna feel so damn good. I just gotta get to Wednesday.
i’ve realised that i’m now visiting NYC in about two months!! i have never flown before (i live in the UK) and have not been further than like, amsterdam, soooo… i am excited/terrified, take your pick. is it too early to start making a list of things to do??
No! I will give you a million things to do/eat!
yay!
It’s never too early! I have a running list of tons of places to visit and specific things to do in those places. Most of them are food related. And speaking of food, NYC and poutine, there is delicious poutine in NYC at Pomme Frites (along with a ton of other tasty sauces you can put on your fries). Have a great trip!
oh i am so curious about poutine! i will have to do this
No, not at all!
Oh, man. Cue stomach grumbling. I try to make poutine once in a while, but curds don’t exist in this country! What a travesty.
Thanks all you toasties who advised me against writing a “feelings” letter to my ex and sending it. I managed to ride out that wave, and now the urge has passed and I’m in slightly greener break-up pastures. It’s good to know I can find common sense here when my own has flown the coop.
I’ve bought cheese curds at a Trader Joe’s (I think – this is when I lived in DC) and here in Texas at Sprouts. Keep looking! They’re so worth whatever trouble you go to find them. They’re wonderful in poutine (duh) but also just lightly microwaved so they come out a little bit soft but not so much they lose their curd form.
Also, my Wisconsin sisters could probably school us all on the many uses of cheese curds; my world opened up a bit after I had them deep-fried on my last visit to Milwaukee.
I live in Europe and they genuinely don’t exist here for some reason that I do not understand. Another ex-pat explained it to me once, something to do with the way milk is processed here, or…. anyway, curds don’t get made. Sad! But I’ve tried it with mozzarella and it was not the same, but certainly very delicious.
And uh…deep fried curds? That sounds like HEAVEN.
Way to go!
Darling Toasties, what are your top albums of 2013? I’m making a mega Spotify list of things I missed this year. (Which is a lot.)
A very uncomprehensive list of best albums, that are mostly just albums I listened to a lot:
Courtney Barnett – The Double EP
Waxahatchee – Cerulean Salt
Mikial Cronin – MCII
I also really enjoyed Frankie Rose’s Herein Wild
the joanna gruesome one, and the history of apple pie one! both stupid names, both debuts. so much fun.
Snow Ghosts – A Small Murmuration
Seconding Waxahatchee. I also really liked the new Julie Ruin (which I do not think is on Spotify), Daft Punk, Kid Krule (or is it King Krule? That Rick Astley looking motherfucker), but I missed a bunch of stuff too.
yes to kid/king krule!
I haven’t listened to many new albums because I’m stuck in the past, but I DO really like Vienna Teng’s new album Aims. SO GOOD. A sample: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detai…
Seconding Aims, and also: The Electric Lady, Janelle Monae. I ACCEPT CINDI MAYWEATHER AS THE ONE TRUE DROID AND SAVIOR
Seconding Janelle Monae. I love her most passionately and hope that she may find Sir Greendown, if that be her destiny.
My #1 this year, which is the only album where I have every single song starred:
Speedy Ortiz – Major Arcana (No Below is a great song to start with)
Also:
Disclosure – Settle
Bill Callahan – Dream River
Kanye West – Yeezus (I genuinely enjoy Kanye but I get that he’s not…uh, a god)
And not new, but I finally listened to Joanna Newsom this year, and she is perfect. Everything about her is perfect.
My mind was fucking blown this week when I learned Joanna Newsom is married to Andy Samberg. OF ALL PEOPLE.
Oooh, I’m seconding a lot of these, esp. Waxahatchee, Joanna Gruesome, Courtney Barnett, Speedy Ortiz, and Janelle (duh).
I also loved Sky Ferreira’s Night Time, My Time (suggested song: “Nobody Asked Me”), Widowspeak’s Swamps EP and Almanac full length (suggested song: “Calico”), Neko Case’s The Worse Things Get…, Marnie Stern’s Chronicles of Marnia (suggested song: “Nothing Is Easy”), and Torres’ self-titled (suggested song: “Honey”).
There is an album called Chronicles of Marnia, by a singer called Marnie! That is perfect, and I must have it immediately.
Thirding Waxahatchee! I also loved
Los Campesinos! – No Blues
Local Natives – Hummingbird
I know it is probably already hyped, but oh wow did I love Reflektor. True true true blue. Jeanne D’Arc got me going in the morning. Also the new JC Brooks and the Uptown Sound album– the video for “Rouse Yourself” is cute if you like Aubrey Plaza/the stone fox that is JC Brooks.
Surely you did not miss this one, but here’s mine:
The Electric Lady, Janelle Monáe.
ABSOLUTELY VITAL
Yessss, I knew I could rely on you guys. So many things I hadn’t heard of!!
But of course, Janelle has been on every playlist I’ve made since the album came out 🙂
Angel Olsen “Half Way Home”, Shannon and the Clams “Dreams in the Rat House”, seconding the new Bill Callahan (not on spotify or my preference Rdio for some reason), and a couple really heavy albums you might not like by Pissed Jeans and Russian Circles.
Oh, and The Knife “Shaking the Habitual”.
Late to this thread, but I fourth the Janelle Monae love and also submit Once I Was an Eagle, by Laura Marling. It’s an astoundingly beautiful and coherent album.
A girl after my own heart! I almost forgot Once I Was an Eagle and the Eels’ Wonderful Glorious came out this year for some reason.
Also, if anyone wants to talk about American Horror Story with me, I am all ears! (Or eyes. Or whatever.)
UHHH OH MY GOD, THAT ENEMA THIS WEEK. W-T-LITERAL-F.
I know! What is it with moms on this show?
Also, I am having trouble caring about anyone when anyone and everyone is resurrected all the time, you know?
It’s meant to snowstorm tonight through tomorrow, and right now, I I can think of is how much I’d like to be home before it hits. It’s not gonna happen though, what with work, and then me needing to go grocery shopping for everything I might want while I barricade myself in for the weekend.
Speaking of, this is my first winter with snow where I live on top of a fairly steep hill. Driving tips? I got myself stuck in a couple of ice patches earlier this week, one so bad that the guy who owned the house I was stuck in front of had to come help me out after like 10 minutes spinning my wheels.
Oh man, driving in the snow is definitely a learned skill. For the hill – if you can, put your car in a lower gear when going both up and down. Don’t rely on the brakes going down if you can help it, unless your ABS is awesome. For general winter driving, I definitely recommend sandbags in the trunk, winter tires, and all-wheel drive if possible. Also, if you have a friend who’s experienced at winter driving, have them take you out to an empty parking lot and practice fish-tailing. The first year I had my license my dad did this with me. Get going pretty fast, then slam on the brakes and feel how the car responds. Definitely better to know what it feels like and how to adjust after practicing a bit. The key if you’re slipping is just correcting the car as much as you can without further applying the brakes. Good luck!
I recommend going to an empty parking lot and practicing skidding/stopping/fishtailing. Stay way far away from lamp posts and curbs and just get used to what it feels like to lose, regain and maintain control of your car in a safe situation. If there’s a person you trust to help teach you without the two of you fighting, that might be helpful. I say “might” because there’s something about teaching/learning driving that makes a lot of people nutty.
If you’re dealing with hills, try to avoid having to change your speed up or down as much as possible, meaning that you should try to coast up or down the hill and avoid sudden or heavy application of either brake or gas. If it means leaving a big gap between you and the can in front, so much the better.
Experienced driving in snow, but the year I lived at the top of a steep hill, I refused. Partner and I asked permission of the property owner at the bottom of the hill (small museum) to park there for the winter. We hiked up and down the hill to our house that winter. Our snow boots were even safer than snow tires. And losing traction meant toppling into a snow bank at a snail’s pace, not spinning out of control into a ditch (or, deity forbid, into another person) with thousands of pounds of inertia. Can you find alternate parking for the season?
That one was already on my list of options. Sure it’s like a mile hike uphill, but there’s less chance of death or property damage.
A mile? Ugh. More than I would do in the cold after a long day at work. Wishing you a better solution and safe travels.
Like lemur_nemur said, low gear is absolutely key. You want to keep your tires moving at a consistent, slow speed so that they’re actually moving along the snow/ice rather than spinning on top of it (if that makes sense?). Accelerate and decelerate as gradually as you can, and for the love of all that is holy DO NOT STOP on your way up the hill unless you absolutely can’t help it, or you’ll never get going again.
1.) Do not drive in the (actively falling or not fully cleared) snow if you don’t have to. Acceptable reasons for driving in the snow: getting to/from work if you cannot work from home/call out, the grocery store if there is legitimately no food in your house, and anything involving an emergency room.
2.) As many have said, go to an empty lot (church parking lots are empty for most of the week) and practice skidding and fishtailing so you know what it feels like and, more importantly, you train your brain to think “this is a solvable problem” rather than “OMFG panic!”
3.) No sudden movements, ever. No quick accelerations, no slamming on the brakes, no jerking of the steering wheel. You are a calm, fluid, smoothly moving vehicle. Think of someone who is really bendy and good at yoga doing a series of sun salutations. This is how you want to move.
4.) Keep a shovel and cat litter (or sand) in your trunk or the back of your vehicle. It is also not a bad idea to keep a couple of blankets and some potable water, in case you really get stranded in the middle of nowhere.
5.) Remember that if you have a choice between hitting another vehicle and hitting a snowbank, aim for the snowbank. You will do far less damage to you, your car, and anything else that might be around you.
6.) Allow for lots of room between you and the car in front of you, especially on hills (up and down.)
But most importantly, stay off the road if you don’t have to be on the road. This is why we have netflix streaming and hot cocoa and fuzzy slippers.
If you’re somewhere where this is going to be a regular thing all winter, studded tires are fantastic. Don’t get them if snow is uncommon where you live, though, because 1) you probably won’t be able to get them and 2) they do a lot of damage to the roads and are really loud on bare pavement. A bag of kitty litter is also a great idea, as others have said.
Mostly, though, remember to go slow, and plan your movements. Don’t accelerate or brake fast if you can help it if you’re on really bad ice. The traction will be worst if there’s a sudden freeze (black ice), loads of snow, or when it all starts to melt (slush). That being said, if your hill is straight and there’s no one else around, taking it at a decent speed is a pretty good way to get your car up a slippery hill. If you start to slip, don’t panic, we all do it occasionally! Just take your foot off the brake/gas, and gently correct.
Yesterday a big bunch of poinsettias got delivered to our house, but they were actually for a neighbor. Wouldn’t you know, our neighbor is turning 92 and the whole neighborhood is invited to her birthday party! Including myself and my housemates. So I’m excited for some cosy neighborly gathering this weekend.
how cute!
Aw, that sounds delightful!
I’m really, really struggling with being supportive and, for lack of a better word, a positive rather than negative influence, to my partner who has depression. I’m trying to do all the things I’ve read about: just being there and not offering suggestions; doing little things to remind her I care; asking if there’s anything I can do for her, while not being overbearing about it; getting both of us out of the house to go do things; etc.
But it feels like I’m just slamming my head against a brick wall, over and over.
Darlin I’m sorry to hear this… I’m really proud of you for caring and trying and wanting to help. You are a good partner.
Ooh, that sounds really tough :/ Is your partner receiving any treatment for the depression? Any medication or therapy?
Chronic depression experience, here. You are a good person. Keep doing what you’re doing. But let go of the expectation that your efforts will have any effect. Depression does not respond in linear or logical fashion.
But let go of the expectation that your efforts will have any effect.
This, times a million. It’s very normal to want to help your depressed partner get better, but it’s not something you can do (in my experience, anyway). What you can do is continue to be there until your partner is in a place where your love and support can reach them again. It’s okay to be frustrated and grumpy and miserable sometimes, and to recognize that and take care of yourself, so that you can continue to be there and be ready with that love and support.
There was a post from someone in a similar situation on the open thread several weeks back that you might find helpful, too.
For me, anything that my partner does that’s even remotely supportive or positive is helpful, even if it seems like it’s nothing or if I can’t reciprocate or express how thankful I am. I’m talking super simple things: like deciding what we eat for dinner so that I don’t have to use my brain. Depression SUCKS, but I have a feeling it sucks equally (but in a different way) for the partner someone who has depression. You’re awesome and you’re doing a great job!
I feel you. It can be very very hard. I recommend also getting out of the house on your own, spending some time with friends, regularly doing bits of the “put your own oxygen mask on first” stuff that makes it easier to sustain your supportive practices for your person.
I have also found it productive to remind myself very explicitly that if he had the flu, I wouldn’t take his fever or nausea personally. Thus, I should not take his depression symptoms or experiences personally.
Thanks everyone. It’s tough dealing with something that has a temporal element that you can’t change. I’m not very good at just waiting out situations, waiting for things to take their course, so I realize that’s a challenge I have to face, as well. Thank you for the encouragement and kind words.
http://www.christmascats.tv/
You’re welcome.
Omg THANK YOU.
whaaaat is this.
ETA: I just watched two cats high-five, so i guess this is what I’m doing today.
I tuned in when Grandma was holding a sign wishing someone good cheer and have a drink or something and then she busted out a flask and started chugging from it.
I made some poutine for my birthday a few weeks back. Even though I live in Montreal, it was better than anything I could get at a restaurant.
That looks so, so delicious.
Oh man, it was so good. I followed this recipe, except I bought the curds at a grocery store. Sort of made a weekend out of it.
http://www.chefsteps.com/activities/old-school-po…
It was a pretty big hassle, but I like cooking, and the end result was worth it. There was a bunch of leftover beef stock too, which has made some really nice French onion soup.
That recipe looks great but as a poutine purist I must argue: The cheese is not to be melted! The ephemeralness of the hot gravy and fries with the cold sqeaky cheese is essential!
Word. Nods vigorously. Squeeky* curds makes the whole oral/aural experience of the Poutine.
But beef gravy!?! B’en non! Sauce au poulet ou sauce au bbq! (Chicken gravy or bbq sauce for our American friends.)
*Canadian spelling. Someone should really do a study about auto-correct as cultural imperialism. Is there a Canadian linguist in the house?
I didn’t broil them, but I would trust it to work. They’re not going to make cheese curds from milk just for the squeakiness, and then throw that away. And the beef gravy is definitely an improvement over any poutine I’ve tried on the Montreal island.
I need this recipe right now
Jaya! http://www.chefsteps.com/activities/old-school-po…
The easy way:
Fries
1 handful cheese curds at room temp (squeaky in your teeth is a sign of awesomeness; white or orange are both acceptable)
1 Can of St. Hubert gravy, heated
ngl: Poutine has gone all upscale here in Chicago and this feels wrong in my head because back in Montreal (my wife’s from there), poutine is sort of the ultimate I’m-so-wasted-better-get-some-food-before-stumbling-home food.
Waaaaaaait where do you get upscale poutine in Chicago??
A ton of the gastropubs do a version of it. There’s BadHappy Poutine Shop just outside of the loop.
Here are five, only one of which is similar to traditional:
http://chicago.seriouseats.com/2012/01/five-pouti…
From one description: “This very unique take on poutine includes headcheese, chicharrón, caramelized onions, brunoised root vegetables, and cognac-infused black currants. Ballsy, yet surprisingly appealing, especially with a signature cocktail in hand.”
Huh. My previous reply got eaten. A ton of the gastropubs do a version of it. There’s BadHappy Poutine Shop just outside of the loop.
Here are five places, only one of which is similar to the original (and, hey, I’m sure they’re all delicious; I’m just saying it’s weird to see it upscale):
http://chicago.seriouseats.com/2012/01/five-pouti…
Here’s one description: “This very unique take on poutine includes headcheese, chicharrón, caramelized onions, brunoised root vegetables, and cognac-infused black currants. Ballsy, yet surprisingly appealing, especially with a signature cocktail in hand.”
Oh it has gone upscale recently in Montreal too, with pulled duck and red wine gravy and whatever. But non-fancy poutine is still definitely best eaten at 3 am.
But imho the best poutine is the one you eat in a random snack bar by the road, preferably while on vacation.
Yeah, La Banquise, for instance, has a bunch of bullshit on their menu. I like the recipe I used because it’s just good fries, good gravy and fresh curds. The super crispy fries, in particular, hold up quite well to the sauce.
I don’t really drink much, so I don’t have the association that a lot of people have with poutine as an after drinking food, I just think of it as an occasional unhealthy indulgence.
Yeah that recipe looks amazing and I tip my hat off to you because it also looks like a lot of work!
I live in Chicago as well, and tried a few places (the Bad Apple probably chief among them) before I visited La Belle Province in La Gardeur, QC this summer. I was stunned by how different the experience is when you’re in a room where no one understands you and the poutine comes in a gigantic styrofoam container and the frying oil is probably three days old. It was heaven.
Happy St. Nick’s day everybody!
Maybe a strange bearded man left money in your shoes!
It sounds so ominous when you phrase it like that.
All the good Germanic holiday traditions are ominous.
I used to get a chocolate cross from my grandmother, with a candy rose in place of the Jesus. Coming from a Presbyterian family, it was kind of weird the first time it happened. But tasty.
Ugh you guys it is 8 degrees (Fahrenheit) outside and all I want to do is cuddle up with some hot chocolate and watch TV/ assemble IKEA furniture, but one of my coworkers is throwing a party and I said I’d go. I don’t want to drive there because then I wouldn’t be able to drink but a 15 minute walk in the bitter cold is reaaaally not looking appealing. Seriously, it feels like the air is biting little chunks out of my face! I’m not used to real winters!
You can do it! Bundle up & walk fast. Leggings underneath jeans.
Is the NYC Toast meetup still happening? ‘Cause I just moved to New York.
Yay! I am torn about flying out to NYC in the next week or so, since I’m now going to Chapel Hill for my brother’s immigration shotgun wedding on the 18th (they’re in love, it’s great). (Any of y’all in Chapel Hill on the evening of the 17th? I’ll buy the first round.)
But flying from NYC to Chapel Hill is MUCH quicker than Utah to Chapel Hill.
How did the move go? I’m impressed you did it so quickly without losing your mind.
It went better than you would think! We only had to scramble to figure out how to get one cat to New York after she refused to get into her carrier on moving day.
When is this supposed to be?!
I replied to this a few hours ago but I think my comment got eaten? Anyway I wanted to say welcome to NYC and also there is a meetup tonight! It’s not an Official Toast Meetup tm it was originally a group doing meetups and a bookclub for the hairpin (before the existence of the toast) and then the toast happened and it was magical and now it’s for readers of the toast and the hairpin and really any smart ladies who like to have fun and talk about stuff. So we welcome you to come out and meet some new people!!
We’re meeting at RPM bar (266 Broome St) there is a bookclub at 7pm and the rest of the meetup is at 8pm. I let the creator of the group/organizer know I told you so she’ll be on the lookout for newcomers. I highly recommend you stop by, we’re very nice and it’s a great way to meet new people (I just moved here a year ago myself). I hope you come out!
Ahhh! I wish I had seen this before I left work! I actually have a paper to write tonight/I’m going back to Boston tomorrow to sue my landlady on Monday, so I should stay in, but I really appreciate the info! Is there a Google/Facebook group I can join for future meetups? I live by the F so I will definitely show up next time.
Just an update: a few people are here now and were just discussing the book so its calm and welcoming and friendly if youre nervous about meeting new people! Feel free to stop by, we’re usually here late.
I feel like a horrible person for even thinking of complaining, but this week I had three long-distance friends who wrote to say, “Just dropping your Christmas present in the mail! LOL!!” And I, of course, hadn’t even THOUGHT about Christmas presents for any of them. I will be spending the weekend shopping for “thoughtful and perfectly tasteful, nonperishable, non-breakable small items under $30.” Also all three have better-developed aesthetic taste than I do. Argh!
At least they gave me a heads-up. It’s like they know me or something.
In your shoes, I’d be tempted to forget shopping and just make toffee. (Assuming they can all eat sugar and butter.) I’ve made this recipe from The Kitchn a dozen times; it’s a snap. It’s good with or without the chocolate, and if you like, you can make almond toffee by mixing in toasted sliced almonds immediately when you take it off the heat, or by scattering toasted almonds in the parchment-lined pan and pouring the bubbling toffee over them.
I’m always surprised by how wild people go for homemade candy. It’s simple chemistry, but it feels special, especially once you get it portioned up in bags or boxes or tins and wrapped with ribbons.
Oooh. I like the way you think! I sometimes make Salted Caramels from epicurious, but toffee is even better!
Oh, phew. I was just coming back to say “Sorry, maybe you weren’t looking for ideas but commiseration.”
If I recall correctly, the first time I encountered that recipe (also at The Kitchn), it was billed as mailing toffee, which is a mighty encouraging name for your purpose.
I second the homemade candy. Or what about super nice lotion/bath/lipgloss stuff? Just about all those stores like Ulta and Lush have a bunch of festive stuff out now. I always like to get nicer lotion than I would normally buy myself, especially in the winter.
Everyone saw the video of Bendandsnap Candycrush reading R. Kelly lyrics, yes?? If not, YOU’RE WELCOME.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sNPp74zh8lM
I sent this to Nicole! I actually imagine her playing it on repeat. Hahaha.
I had never before been happy for the continued existence and fame of Jimmy Kimmel.
Quoth my friend Katie:
“Sometimes I want to go back in time and tell awkward 14-year-old otter-faced Benny Cumberbatch that someday crowds of women will scream to see him wink at them.”
I’m making poutine next week for a Canadian-themed holiday party. Yay Canada!
Nicole, you are a poutine goddess. That looks amazing!
I have been unimpressed with all of the poutine I’ve tried in NYC. Mile End is pretty okay, but they don’t use nearly enough gravy so it ends up being dry. Pommes Frites has a good amount of gravy, but it’s chicken. Other places use the wrong kind of cheese. I’m terrified of deep-frying things in my kitchen, so has anyone found good poutine in NYC?
So, a quick little comments version of “she said / she said”: This person was being mean to me (like in that like “teasing” way, but actually YOU ARE BEING MEAN) and I was like stop you are being MEAN and person’s response was like, you cant control how other people act you can only control how you react to them which, TRUE, BUT: I still don’t want to hear you joking around about how you hate me even though we were friends, or so I thought. What can you say to that, though? Responses aside from/in addition to just revoking friendship card? Is this snark vs smarm? Am I smarm?
UGH my MOM uses that line to give her the ability to say whatever the F she wants to me and everyone else and it is a BAD TRAIT. I suggest you tell this person your reaction is to stop interacting with them until they act like a human being.
I read WAY too many advice columns, and what I’ve gleaned is that in situations like this, you can (calmly, politely) look at the person and say “That’s not funny/That’s offensive/That’s not a nice thing to say.” They’ll get defensive, say you need to learn to take a joke, etc., and you can just cut them off and change the subject. I tried it once and it worked for me, but YMMV obviously.
That is ‘I can say what I want and it’s not my responsibility to give a shit’ bulshit and I hate it.
Because her own logic applies to her, of course. She can’t control how upset you’ll be, but she can control her response to your distress, and her response was to be awful.
“You can’t control how people act, you can only control how you react to them” is TOTALLY SMARM. That sucks; she sucks; you seem great.
and I was like stop you are being MEAN and person’s response was like, you cant control how other people act you can only control how you react to them
“Right, and I’m reacting by saying ‘stop it, you are being MEAN.’ If you don’t listen to my objection, then I’ll react by leaving.”
thanks guys, this is all such good advice!
This is the best advice ever. I was going to say something like “yes and I’m reacting by punching you in the face,” but that wouldn’t be very mature. Or legal. *sigh*
True, you can only control how you react, but reacting by saying, “You’re being a total dick” is TOTALLY VALID.
Friendship is not a “Get Out Of Dickhead Behavior Free” card.
I mean, you may be able to control how you outwardly react, but almost no one can control how they feel when someone says or does something shitty to them.
So, next time, super over-react. Because you CAN control how you react.
I’m off to visit the long-distance bf in San Diego! Im soooo excited! And Coffee Bean has eggnog flavored coffee which is 10 times more exciting than that Starbucks “Pumpkin Spice Latte” nonsense.
I have never had Poutine but have heard great things and now am fascinated by it.
And lastly, I have so many feelings about Middlemarch and I’m not caught up in the book club but will continue posting on that thread late at night bc OMG DODO!
Starbucks also has an eggnog latte which is pretty good. I hate pumpkin flavored everything.
Is anyone else playing Zelda: Link Between Worlds and drowning in nostalgia? I completely forgot about the Death Mountain music, and when I heard it again I became the 😀 emoticon. So good. I have completed all the dungeons and am now finding all of the Maiamais I missed.
I’m playing! I’m only in Hyrule Castle so far, but I’m having a lot of fun! When I finish this I think I am going to replay OoT on the 3DS
OH MY GOD YES! I love it so much. I am kind of excited to have a sort of boring week in front of me so I can get back to playing it.
Link between worlds feels like a perfect mix of all the old games and I am loving it to bits.
Oh, Happy Friday to Jennifer Cheek from Cast of Thrones who apparently reads this site! Hiiiiii! I love your podcast! And I was LOL-ing while you tried to explain Brienne/Sansa Femslash Fri to the guys were soooo out of the loop.
Last night, instead of watching the abomination of the Sound of Music Live, I went to a singalong showing of the actual movie with my mom, and it was genuinely fantastic as usual. Can we all just agree that Julie Andrews is one of the best humans on the planet?
Also, I always tear up at the oddest place — right at the beginning, during “I Have Confidence.” I don’t know what it is about that song but I always start crying there and never at the end.
Julie Andrews is genuinely my hero. It is my dream to meet her in person one day.
Her speach when winning the Oscar for SoM? A HUGE FU to the guys who didn’t give her the part for My Fair Lady, and possibly the best acceptance speech ever!
Me too! So good!
This week has been Really Horrible, but I’m reading and loving Middlemarch, so I guess I can’t be too complain-y. Also, Sunday is my 6-month wedding anniversary and we’re going out to eat Eritrean food tonight and I’m so excited!!
Oh, I started reading The Goldfinch this week and it is captivating me.
It’s so weird and I love it!
i really want to read that!
I devoured it over Thanksgiving break–couldn’t put it down (to the point of staying up til 6am the day before an 8:30am wakeup for a family gathering; I make great choices). I already want to reread it!
I vowed to myself that I was going to read The Goldfinch very slowly and really honor it or whatever since I have been waiting like 10 years for Donna Tartt to write another novel, but instead I inhaled it over the course of 2 days and cried when I was done, like a (totally spoiled) kid who opened up all of their presents too soon and then was shocked and upset that there weren’t anymore unwrapped gifts to tear into.
It is on my Christmas wish list! So excited to read it.
Poutine is the greatest. Rule of thumb about the cheese – if it squeaks when you eat it, that’s some good cheese curd.
This weekend, my Jewish friend is teaching me how to make latkes and we are going to drink all the wine, and then going to see Naked Lunch at TIFF for that Cronenberg thing in Toronto Nicole posted about today, coincidentally.
I can’t wait to take a photo of the film marquee with the caption, “I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.”
I am reading I Capture the Castle for the first time and IT HAS STOLEN MY HEART IT IS SO GOOD. Oh my god. Cassandra. Topaz. TOPAZ. Heloise and Abelard! I mean, for Reasons I have a great fondness for books that address characters’ difficult relationships with their fathers, but even aside from that, MY HEART.
That book is everything.
LOVE that book so so much. The movie, however, is meh, although there is some great knitwear to be seen.
But the movie has young Henry Cavill! And Romola Garai! Who looks exactly like Cassandra in my head.
Maybe I owe it a rewatch, then. My main problem with it, I think, was that Mark “Lt. PotatoFace” Bluth in it and I’m still bitter about what a doofus he was in Buffy.
hahaha I was just thinking about how ridiculous he is always, today, and how he sounds like he is a brit doing an American accent in that movie, but no he just sounds stilted. God Toast, get out of my mind.
I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO CALLED HIM POTATO FACE.
I’ve been meaning to read that since approximately forever; thanks for reminding me it exists!
It exactly typifies the word ‘lovely’.
My aunt gave it to me when I was 9 and I thought it was real weird but then luckily 13 yr old me gave it a second chance! (and a third, fourth, fifth, etc)
that book is WONDERFUL. I read it for the first time a couple years ago and just fell in love.
This is my favorite book ever. I love Topaz, I love Cassandra, everything in the book…now I need to read it again.
I have so so so so much love for that book, and goddamnit, the movie too. The book is wonderful, but I think the movie is super charming and I would probably sacrifice at least one finger joint to be in the middle of a Romola Garai and Henry Cavill sandwich.
Also, please raise your hand if you sat through the entirety of Sound of Music Live last night even though you have no real interest in SoM and your brain/vagina was curious to see if Vampire Bill could sing pretty.
Anyone? Just me?
Wait, Vampire Bill was actually in it? Someone on a podcast made a joke about that but I thought it was…a joke. As in, didn’t actually happen.
{How was he, btw?}
He was 100% in it. I’ve never really seen all of The Sound of Music (last night I watched it with my mom and was like, “Mom this is so long! When does it end?” and she’s all “When they escape the war” and I’m like WHAT WAR) but I halfheartedly stuck around to see if Captain von Trapp was hot and then I was all, “Man, this guy looks like Bill from True Blood OH MY GOD IT IS BILL FROM TRUE BLOOD.”
He was…pretty good? Not amazing, he has quite a nice voice but not a super strong one and he tried to instill some romantic chemistry into Carrie Underwood’s earnestly flat performance.
And I mean, he looks good in a suit, and stuff. I don’t actually find Stephen Moyer super attractive but judging by those early True Blood episodes he’s super into banging his wife and I’m super into watching them pretend to do it on TV. Or at least I was, until that show fell apart.
What are your favorite cookie recipes?? My family is big into christmas cookies but I’m booorrreeeddd of the ones I usually make.
Around the holidays I like to make fudgy bon bons, which are basically a chocolate dough wrapped around a Hershey’s Kiss of some variety (peppermint!), with some glaze drizzled over for fancyness.
Smitten Kitchen’s Rugelach Pinwheels are my jam! And my friend’s grandmother’s lemon bars. Here is the very poorly written recipe:
Crust:
Combine: 1 1/2 cups flour, 1/4 cup powdered sugar, and a pinch of salt.
Cut in: 1/2 cup butter
Add: 1/2 tsp. vanilla and mix
Press into 9″ pan lined w/ buttered foil
Bake at 350 degrees, 28 min.
Filling:
Mix: 5 lg. eggs & 2 cups sugar
Whisk in 1 cup lemon juice strained & 2 tbls. flour
Mix in 2 1/2 tbls. grated lemon peel
Pour filling over cooled crust & bake at 325 for 22 min.
Chill at least for 4 hrs. before removing from pan.
Dorie Greenspan’s (by way of Smitten Kitchen) World Peace Cookies are ah-mazing and I make them every year. I make them and a gingery cookie every year (ginger cookie recipe varies from year to year because I’m still hunting for The Perfect Ginger Cookie).
I’m still hunting for the Perfect Ginger Cookie as well. I need to somehow infiltrate the local bakery and steal their recipe…
The Fannie Farmer gingersnap recipe is pretty good if you like a crunchy cookie. The secret to my mom’s molasses cookies was always to seal them up and let them sit for a few days- have you experimented with that with your ginger cookies?
my mom always makes turtle bars which are awesome (recipe is easily googleable – its like a shortbread plus pecans plus caramel plus chocolate) and also jan hagel which is this really awesome almond-y dutch cookie that you cut into diamond-shapes, sooo pretttty.
I found the Saveur “Cookie Advent Calendar” this week and it has been super fun looking at the different recipes each day. Enjoy!
Somebody gave me the Gourmet Magazine Cookie Cookbook a while back and it has this recipe for cashew praline cookies: http://thebarefootkitchen.com/2008/12/02/dutch-ca…
Which, as it’s from Gourmet, is a little complicated, but they’re so good oh my god.
Grab some Reece’s peanut butter chips and use the chocolate peanut butter cookie recipe on the back of the bag. When you bake ’em, try to keep the dough as cold as possible ’cause they tend to spread, but they are delicious and perfect and a Christmas staple.
I’m a big big fan of Martha Stewart’s ginger shortbread, though I like to roll out the dough and use a star cookie cutter to make ’em all pretty (bake ~20 min instead of 30-40). Also, these chai spice cookies are AMAZING. I make a double batch every year. 🙂
Chocolate Crinkle Cookies! Holiday staple while I was growing up.
Caveat: requires at least 4 hrs of chilling, which I forget almost every single time I make them.
Brandy/bourbon/whiskey balls – I think I posted the recipe on Nicole’s no-bake cookie post? Also mandelbread, which is like Jewish biscotti and if I posted the recipe my great-grandmother would rise from the grave and kill me. And gingerbread men from the Klutz Magic Spoon cookbook, with various goofy decorating schemes.
Autostraddle had these Whisky Brown Butter Walnut Chocolate Chip Cookies a while ago and they were pretty excellent. I’ve made them with and without walnuts; good either way.
There’s a family recipe that came about via my aunt’s drunken baking one Christmas, using half of one cookie recipe out of Joy of Cooking, and the other half of a different one on the next page. I think it’s one of the cherry ones and then the spicedrops. When I get home, I’ll pull out my copy and look.
I like doing windowpane cookies where you take some sort of roll-out cookie, cut out the middles and fill them with crushed candy (on top of parchment paper!) When you bake them the candy melts in the middles and makes pretty see-through centers.
I keep telling myself that I’ll make the Barcelona Pavilion out of gingerbread some year, but I’ll probably put it off yet again.
The best things that happened this week were: buying a Misandrist Tank Top and writing something for a friend which she liked.
I kind of want to update my Pinboards on my lunch break, but I have 666 pins pinned and I just can’t bring myself to alter that. #hailSatan
This was the longest week ever and it’s still not over yet. Today’s lunch is going to be full of cheese.
I’m currently eating a massive bowl of mac & cheese and plan to spend the rest of the workday cruising the open thread. Solidarity.
I didn’t wake up in time to bring a lunch and I don’t really want to spend money since I’m going out for dinner after work. So my lunch will probably consist of the 3-flavor popcorn tin in our breakroom. Yuuuuum!
I was super-productive this week, to the point where I’ve run out of projects. So now it’s either work on something that’s on my “No Date” to-do list, or I guess just sit here all day? It’s pizza day, so that’s something to think about for the next two hours.
The “No Date” to-do list is where things go to die. I like to pretend it’s not there and just hang out here instead.
Def just ate some goat cheese on a slice of bread because there’s nothing else in the office fridge.
Solid choice. I have eaten that even when I have other things in the fridge, because goat cheese on bread is delicious.
Such a long week. Last night I was almost convinced it was Friday, and this morning one of my co-workers showed up an hour late saying, “I thought today was Saturday!” Let’s all eat cheese for lunch.
I thought yesterday AND today were both Saturday. It’s been a rough week. (Nothing specific! Just… LONG AS HELL.)
Any fellow web devs out there? I’m looking to contribute to OSS projects, preferably newbie level in Ruby or Java. I can do copy editing of documentation, as well.
They’re playing Christmas music constantly in the lobby at work and it makes me want to burn this building to the ground.
There was a holiday party going on in the property management office next door (we were not invited even though they crashed our open house(?)) and they were blasting the worst Christmas music through the walls starting at 3 PM. I endured this torture for 45 min before storming out in a rage 85 min early. I had shit to do too, but we have our human limits.
I actually enjoy Christmas music, but my co-worker’s computer has played the God-awful Love Actually version of “All I Want for Christmas is You” 18 times this week and I want to punch her in the face.
The disgusting “Santa Baby” song came on and that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I commented to my boss as I was headed out the door, “I can’t handle this infantilized trash, see ya!”
I mean, at least go with “Christmas Is All Around”. If youreallylove Christmaaaaaas…
Can you learn the H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society’s versions of whatever they’re playing and mentally substitute the lyrics? I’ve found that helps.
“I saw Mommy kissing Yog-Sothoth
In the ring of stones on Sent’nel Hill.
My brother and I were spawned
From the Necronomicon:
Dad looks just like his picture on page seven fifty-one…”
So I decided the fastest way to get over my terrible, impossible crush is to go on a few dates. However, my OkCupid experience has been… hilarious… so far. I FORGOT HOW TO DATE DO I JUST TALK TO RANDOM GUYS IN BARS?
okcupid is so bad. I think it can be good to ask around among friends, like, hey do you know any single people I could go on dates with??? definitely doesnt guarantee the date will not be assholes, but better than okcupid, maybe. Plus it can be a more subtle like “group activity” with a potentially dateable person. Is that super old fashioned???
Okcupid can be good too! I’ve met several delightful dudes. I’ve also met some dudes that were perfectly nice but not right for me and some oh-my-word-why-did-I agree-to-go-out-with-him dudes. It’s certainly not for everyone but then very few things are.
I think everyone’s experience with OKC is different, because I have a great time, and my husband has a terrible time. (This could be the difference between ladies looking for open relationships and men looking for open relationships.)
Anyway, over the years and years I’ve had my several profiles, I’ve had better experience treating the questions very seriously and my profile like I’m meeting a person in a bar. Light, fun, non-sequiteur-y.
In my experience, OKC is like panning for gold. Gold there is, but there is a lot of bits of river rock and dirt you have to sort through (not that people are dirt, but there are more people unsuitable to you than not). OKC provides the opportunity to find gems, but less so an aggregate positive experience.
That does make it a limited-use “get over your crush” tool though, I totally see that.
I did also get much better at it with practice, so there’s that too.
I am feeling particularly annoyed today that I don’t recognize any names on Facebook anymore because I am in the “better get marrying” time of life. I got married this year and kept my name. Apparently I am in the minority though? But why is this still a thing? Obviously, it’s a choice. But deep in my heart I feel like there’s still kind of a “right” choice.* I feel like I should have come to terms with this whole situation by now, but it still annoys the crap out of me. I am somewhat attached to my rather weird, always mispronounced last name, because at least it is a very short last name and thus easy to spell to people. Also, it is written on trash cans in Germany.
*Exceptions for terrible abusive fathers and/or terrible names OR we could just all change our names to whatever we want.
I feel exactly, EXACTLY the same way, down to loving my mispronounced German surname: I know that lots of people change take their husbands’ last names. I know specific people, who I love and respect, who have taken their husbands’ last names, and intellectually I believe that it’s a very personal and completely valid choice. And yet, except in Exceptionally Bad Family situations, it baffles me.
Same here. I believe fully that people should do whatever the hell they want with their names, including taking their husband’s, but somewhere a little part of me finds it a kind of sexist thing and is surprised every time one of my smart, professional female friends gets married and changes her name, or gets grumpy when people assume I will be changing my name if/when I get married.
I stole this from someone on the internet, but now if people ask me (after they find out I’m married) if I’ve changed my name, I say “No, neither one of us changed our names.” The looks of surprise and “oh, I guess that’s an option” only encourage me to keep doing it.
I too have a difficult to spell/pronounce German maiden name, which is one of the reasons I changed it. My husband’s last name is much easier for my students to spell/pronounce.
Plus, the biggest thing is that I want my children and I to share a last name, and I hate hyphenating stuff. Personal preference. I never considered my surname to be essential to my individual identity.
All of this, except my maiden name is Czech. And my husband asked me to do him the honor of taking his last name, which got me all swoony and smiley, so I said yes (despite all the hassles with Social Security, etc.).
Yes, but your children and you could share a last name without your having to change your name. Your other rationales still stand, of course, but I’ve never understood the assumption that kids must have the Dad’s last name (or at least, I’ve never understood it in this day and age when we have DNA tests, etc.)
I basically decided that since I couldn’t decide whether to change my last name, and my husband truly couldn’t form an opinion either, to just not change it until one or the other of us cares a whole lot. There are many many valid reasons to both change your name and not change your name, and somehow none of those reasons are good enough either way for me.
Mostly this came about because it is such a long annoying process to change your name in every database that has ever touched you.
Fully agree, even though I am past the stage where I share my opinion out loud, as I am no longer a jerk like I used to be as a 20 year old. But my mom kept her last name, and I wish we had gotten it instead of my dad’s much harder to spell/pronounce one, even though I love them both.
What I find really interesting is how few women my age, even those who kept their last names, have children with their partners that have the mom’s last name. “Oh, yeah, he wouldn’t agree to that,” is the shut-it-down response they give to me when it comes up. Even when the dude’s last name is harder to spell or weirder or whatever.
I kept my name, but am allowing my husband to use his weird unpronounceable last name for our coming spawn. He is super attached to its weirdness, so I’m cool with it. But I hope the kids aren’t sorry later!
(Side note: should we give it two middle names, the second of which being my last name??)
You could give two last names! In Colombia (where I’m half from), as well as a bunch of other countries, it’s common for people to keep their last name when they get married, and then they give both last names to the kids.
For example. Gabriel Garcia Marquez marries Maria Perez Rodriguez. They have children who then have the last name Garcia Perez. You could try that? The tricky thing is that if you live in the US sometimes forms (especially web forms) don’t account for two last names (part of why my parents didn’t do this for me) but you can hyphenate them and it will all go in the same form without an issue..
One name, birth to death, has seemed, to me, a privilege and I was determined to have that privilege. After I married and my conservative parents were shocked I was not going to be Mrs. Husband, I told them to call me whatever made them happy. They now address mail to me as Mrs. Joe Husband, abandoning both names *they* gave me. Their choice.
It was fun, though, the day my parents were at a restaurant with me and my husband. The server returned the credit card to my husband and said “Thank you, Mr. Camelia”, which is (a pseudonym for) my parent’s name, the one they put on my birth certificate. The server didn’t know it was my card, since my first name is gender-neutral. After the server left, my dad asked my husband why he did not correct the server. My brilliant beloved said, “Because I am proud to be known as her husband.” Yeah, I think I’ll keep him.
But I am respectful of those who choose differently than I have. There is more than one correct way to name oneself. Mrs. Husband is a valid choice. And none of my business.
Which leads me to my next point: if you prefer your mother’s birth name, but received your father’s, why not change your name? Any adult can make a name change by paying a small fee and answering a judge’s perfunctory questions (to convince the court your motives are not criminal). I’m told it’s quite simple, routine, quick. In the US, at least.
I would like to change my surname to my mother’s maiden (and current, post-marriage) name. I feel closer to that side of the family, it’s a more pleasant-sounding name, and I just like it better.
I haven’t done it because I know it would hurt my dad. Even though our relationship isn’t super-great, I’m not willing to pull the trigger, so to speak.
So for me, taking a hypothetical husband’s name would be a wonderful, cowardly way to side-step the whole issue.
Solution: find a hypothetical husband whose surname is your mother’s maiden name. Done!
(I have also thought idly about taking my mother’s maiden name as a family name because otherwise it will probably die out after this generation.)
Same same. My dad’s side of the family are all vaguely unpleasant whackos who live on the other side of the country while my mom’s are an excellent tribe of manhattan-drinking gigglers. I’d much rather be associated with the gigglers, but I don’t think my dad would ever get over it.
Agreed; I feel even more strongly about my colleagues who make a big deal about being called “Mrs.” after they get married, some of whom then vocalize their very strong feelings about “Ms.” being only for single ladies and lesbians. (I feel like I’ve commented about this before. Still bothers me.)
Pity them. They insist only because they see getting married as an achievement. It used to be one of only two achievements allowed to women, along with childbirth (of a son, of course). Women today are free to *earn* status, no longer limited to marrying it. There must be a pithy comeback you can voice to them when they get huffy about their “Mrs.” status. Toasties, any ideas?
I feel you, and yet… by and large, these are otherwise women I respect. (And to complicate things, some of them are descended from people who were not allowed to be legally married, and I get that– but their arguments tend to be semantic arguments that are WRONG, e.g. “Ms. is only for women who go by their maiden name” or the aforementioned “women who are not fortunate enough to be married to a man.” Or just “it’s cute that you don’t want people having to ask whether you’re married to determine what to call you, but once you get married, you’ll understand why we want everyone to know.”)
I do not acknowledge the existence of Miss or Mrs, now that we have a marital-status-neutral option, nor would I refer to someone as His Grace unless I felt like they would run me down with their horse otherwise.
I mean, if someone is like “NOPE call me Mrs., I have earned it,” I’ll do it, but then I’ll subtweet.
I recently decided to try okcupid but I still have some reservations about the whole concept. Can we discuss experiences with online dating? Because I still don’t totally understand the etiquette, what to expect, etc.
Also, last week I went out for drinks with somebody, it was totally pleasant and he doesn’t seem like an obvious weirdo or anything. He wants to get together again this weekend and his suggestion was to go for a walk around a nearby park. This is either a) a nice no-cost date idea or b) a ploy to get me alone so he can totally murder me, right?
Additionally, thumbs-up to me for thorough use of the word “totally.”
Well, you wouldn’t want it confused with his ploy to get you alone so he could semi-murder you… 🙂
I would be comfortable with the park-date if it was daylight and a decently populated area, but, as always, go with your gut. I also went back to an okcupid date’s apartment within about ninety minutes of meeting him (I texted a friend a picture of the guy’s license plate! Totally safe), so I may not be the most credible advice-giver.
I also sometimes email a friend the date’s okcupid screen name / cell phone number / whatever info I have ahead of time in case I disappear. But I watch a lot of TV. I’m pretty sure it’s unnecessary but it gives me peace of mind, so I keep doing it.
I feel so much safer after sharing a stranger-date’s contact info, but it’s such a funny precaution! Like: Oh, I’m fine with being murdered, so long as they CATCH the guy.
the fear of death vs the impulse to get laid, an eternal conflict
same. / tell people where you’re going, when you think you’ll be home. but it sounds like hipster no cost date. also depending on where/howbig/what time you’re at the park, I think murdering in parks is pretty obvious these days? so maybe he’s not a psycho?
There should be snow on the ground which would make a crime scene much harder to conceal, I think. (If I’m being morbid it’s mostly because I just read a Dan Savage piece about how you should always go back to a stranger’s place rather than bring them to your place b/c they wouldn’t want to clean up bloodstains in their own apartment.)
YES! plus like, ideally they either live in a building/with roommates and so you can trust like, well, they can’t kill you around people, right? (this was my argument for going back with people met on craigslist, the OG okcupid, who might’ve killed me. when i saw their dorky roommates, i was all, oh ok).
What are your reservations around online dating in general? i’m so damn burned out on it, but I definitely like using it for casual fun times. I don’t do well with owl correspondance school pen pals who want to hear themselves write pithy profiles. Also that place is straight up full of geminis. Yikes.
Mostly I’m just a little embarrassed by the fact that I’m doing it, and put off by the “window-shopping for human beings” feel. But also I feel like it’s harder to judge whether I’ll get along with somebody if I haven’t ever had a face-to-face interaction? I’m worried that I’ll agree to meet somebody based solely on some stupid joke in their profile and then have to sit through a really awkward dinner.
Nooo! Never dinner on the first date! I only do drinks on first dates because if they’re clearly terrible I can chug and run.
I am an extremely biased source, but I feel like there should be no shame in meeting people through online dating. I met my husband on OKCupid and there are precisely zero other ways we possibly would have met each other outside of an extremely unlikely meet-cute at a grocery store.
Also, it is totally impossible to tell, really, whether you’ll like someone until you meet them in person, which is why moving things offline as quickly as possible is the only way to really get good use out of online dating. Online dating is for introductions, coffee/ drinks dates are for figuring out whether you like someone. Even bad dates can make good stories, and you can get a lifetime’s worth of use out of a bad date story.
I’ve found good long and short term relationships on okc before! I guess expect everything you would expect from a normal date… except that you already know a LOT about the other person and vice versa (thanks match questions!). Many people also are doing the shotgun approach. It’s not unusual to be seeing or messaging multiple people.
I also think the ‘dates’ are more low pressure/easy escape – coffee, drinks, walks in the park. Have fun!
So I met a guy who might be my guy through a work thing and he never called. BUT THEN, we got matched on OKC and we’ve been hanging out ever since. So it was worth it for that, if nothing else. (To be clear, I met a lot of other perfectly nice and normal people but no one that I was interested in possibly being murdered by.)
If he didn’t set off any of your other squick flags, I think he probably isn’t trying to murder you. Dating is expensive.
I have a bunch of experience with OKC both when I was single, and now that I’m open-married. I’ve made good friends from there, a few short-term relationships, and now a guy that seems like he could be super amazing long-term.
POUTINE! Maybe I should go to the ONE restaurant in town that serves it tonight because I had to undo a month and a half of work setting up a new database in two hours yesterday because funding fell through. And then I had to have an hour long meeting with administrators today. I could use some cheese curds and gravy tonight, okay?
I missed the bus this morning, so I drove to work in my car. And now it is snowing really hard and I don’t want to have to drive home with all these snow-phobic Oregonians fishtailing down I-5 tonight after dark and why couldn’t my shower have been 5 minutes shorter so I wouldn’t have this problem?!!!!!
In other news, we’re putting up our Christmas tree this weekend, and everything will be cozy and nice.
Showers are a big time-suck for me since I tend to space out. So I got a little shower clock and it’s helped somewhat to keep me on schedule.
My html is failing today but if you go to bed bath and beyond and search “shower clock” there’s a simple little analog one, that’s the one I have.
They’re even more of a time-suck now, because it’s warm in the shower and really cold in my bathroom, and I already made myself get out of my cozy bed, now I have to do it again?
I have a little electric space heater that I keep in my bathroom. I run it for about 15-30 minutes before I shower.
This is easy for me because I like to study/work at three or four in the morning and usually wake up well before I want to shower. But I have absolutely also set an extra alarm for half an hour early so I could turn on the space heater and then go back to bed until the bathroom was warmer.
Good news everyone, last night I accidentally left the oven on with nothing in it and then left the house, but nobody died and nothing burned to the ground (though I get the feeling that my boyfriend is going to give me shit for this until we are both dead.) Tonight we will find out if my salted caramel chocolate pretzel bark was “worth” me endangering our home and all of our worldly possessions.
In actual good news, I treated myself to a stupidly expensive bag (throw financial caution to the wind! treat yo self! etc.!) and instead of sending me to debtor’s prison everyone is just saying “hey, nice bag.” Also, my fantasy football team is going to the playoffs, which is great because I don’t think the Cleveland Browns can get any worse than they already are, so at least I am able to get some marginal enjoyment out of this football season.
One time I left an electric stove burner on for a whole week while I went on vacation. Nothing burned down but it got so hot in my apartment that a bag of chocolate chips in my pantry melted into one big chip.
I ruined a really nice baking sheet recently by turning on the wrong burner – the empty pan was sitting on top of the stove. I luckily discovered the horrible smell of burning metal just in time to save it from, I dunno, catching on fire and burning down my entire building?
I put the glass lid of one of our pots over a burner once (like, not deliberately, just to have somewhere to put it) and then turned that burner on high because I thought it was the other one. I noticed when the lid began making ominous cracking sounds, so I turned off the burner and transferred it to a plastic bag just in time for it to shatter into a thousand pieces. But it still held its shape, which was cool, until we touched it and then it fell apart.
Also a couple weeks ago I learned that there was a bunch of gunk built up in the drip pan under one of our burners, and the way I learned this was by turning the burner on high and lighting the gunk on fire. And then it turned out that our fire extinguisher wasn’t charged anymore because of that time I started a grease fire, but by the time we figured out something else to do the fire had burned itself out.
I’ve always had this vision of myself as a really responsible, put-together person, but I’m not sure recent evidence supports.
Well good, I’m going to print this thread out and leave it in the kitchen as proof that this happens all the time and maybe he just needs to step off with the “Why are you trying to burn down our home?” garbage.
I have done this, too. you are NOT alone. I got home and was like… why is my apartment so nice and toasty?? ooh. oooooh.
I’ve done that, and I leave my keys in the front door so often that when my husband does it he calls it “pulling a lyette.”
Let’s see the bag! Can you post a pic?
It’s this (but in the red): http://www.saturday.com/The-A-Satchel/4IRU0175,en…
I just really wanted a bag that was big enough to haul around all of my garbage but also nice enough to take into a meeting at work. It’s the most expensive clothing item/accessory I’ve ever bought (and I even had a coupon!) and I pretty much broke out in hives while trying to convince myself it was “ok” to buy, but I figure if this means never impulse buying another $35 bag from Target than it was worth it.
Oh, she’s a beauty, especially in red!! Pretty lining, plenty of pockets–seems like a great price for a good, quality bag that meets your needs! 🙂
As a child of a Browns fan who is now a Washington fan, I feel your pain about this season. Next year!
One of our friends left a tea kettle on a burner set on high. Most people don’t know this, but there’s an aluminum core inside a lot of them and if you heat the things long enough, the steel shell bursts open and liquid aluminum flows all over the stove, sort of like a mini version of that liquid metal dude in Terminator 2 melting. She did it twice, whereupon they switched to a an auto-shutoff electric kettle.
It’s going to be awful out on Sunday, so I am planning to spend the day inside cooking and studying for a final and decorating the little tree I bought. Why did I wait so long to get my own tree? This is going to be GREAT. I have little fluffy bird ornaments and jingle bells and those multicolored balls. And I got the cutest damn little Marvel figurines to hang, so Captain America and Iron Man are going to chill out and be besties on the branches together. HAPPY NERDMAS.
Also I signed up for Cards Against Humanity’s Holiday Bullshit project https://www.holidaybullshit.com/ and I am really looking forward to getting me some bullshit in the mail.
“chill out and be besties”
If you don’t make those ornaments kiss, we are not friends anymore.
My sister.
omg omg and you should get the Hulk so Iron Man and the Hulk can be Science Bros together.
SCIENCE BROS
I can’t help hearing an “or else” after “Comment wisely” but that’s because I live in a constant state of nondenominational penitence.
Hi! My office is doing a Santa’s Anonymous drive this year, and the girl I got is 14, and she would like make-up and nail polish. I can’t afford to really break the bank, but I would like to get her some nice stuff. What would you all recommend?
I recommend going to marshalls or tjmax or big lots for stuff like that! they can have pretty good stuff for a bargain.
Sadly none of those stores exist in Canada 🙁 But thank you!
Savers!
Yes they do! Depending on where you are, there are some Marshalls in Canada, but if not, it’s basically the exact same thing as Winners.
I feel like at 14, quantity is probably going to be more important than quality. Maybe a bunch of the wet&wild polishes in fun colors (their megalast line is actually pretty decent for 2 bucks), a cute lipgloss, and some sparkly eyeshadow? Walgreens also had pretty good makeup in the low-mid range.
Fun! I would just go to a drug store and go nuts! At 14 she probably doesn’t want/need high quality products and would prefer quantity. Get a few solid nail polishes and a glitter top coat or a little nail art kit and maybe some remover wipes? Revlon has new scented nail polish that I actually really like. For makeup maybe stuff that just looks fun? If you have any cash left in your budget grab makeup brushes for whatever makeup you get. ELF makes good cheap brushes and she’ll feel way fancier using a brush than a q-tip/finger.
My little sister is crazy about elf.com –lots of extremely cheap, fun stuff that’s not too bad, quality-wise.
She might prefer “unusual” over nice. Like, rather than get her quality nail polish, last time I was at Shoppers they had some magnetic nail polish (you use a magnet to draw patterns in the metal flecks embedded in the polish) or crackle coats. Or maybe one or two bottles of regular polish, plus those polish pens/design kits for doing designs on your nails. Those might be fun things a kid without much money wouldn’t be able to splurge on, but will still feel special.
Great! Thanks everyone! I was sort of thinking of a “status” item, like a clear lipgloss (I think 14 is around when I started thinking about brands and status symbols) and some cheap and cheerful things in a nice make up bag (I have 100 make up bags that I don’t use)
ahhh I am unhelpful but Santa’s Anonymous sounds like Alcoholics Anonymous, which would be amazing….
Seconding the ELF, and also throwing out NYX, Jane, Hard Candy (which is still decent quality, even if it’s owned by Walmart now. DECENT, not great.) Wet & Wild nail polishes for in store drugstore stuff (It’s been a very long time since I’ve been in a drugstore in CA, so not sure what you can get your hands on). Sephora-brand things are also really good quality for the price.
Makeup Geek, Fyrenne, and Meow Cosmetics are my go-to’s for online shopping, but with everloving customs you might not get them on time. For Meow, they do a decent size sample baggie of loose eyeshadow for $1 USD. Getting a ton of those, with some sort of lip product and a nail polish would definitely make my day
Debate I need someone to engage in, just anyone: Today, I was at Cosi and one of the girls at the table next to me left her entire sheath of flatbread behind. So I waited till no one was looking, picked it up, and ate it, because that bread is delicious, and I didn’t want it to go to waste.
Was this gross? Be honest.
Not gross. Though I’ve eaten left-behind movie popcorn before. (It was still pretty crunchy and fresh.)
THANK YOU. Mr. Citizen was disgusted. I maintain that she was a very clean-looking person. And that bread… That bread.
I like your style, lady.
If she didn’t touch it, what’s the problem?
How could this be gross? You didn’t dumpster dive for it.
Your mister shouldn’t make you feel like George Costanza when he got caught picking an eclair out of the trash. “It was on a napkin!”
Not gross! (Full disclosure: I ate a whole Cosi sandwich last night, and then split an extra piece of that bread with my husband. No regrets!)
Just know that probably they’ve been recycling uneaten bread through that kitchen all day. You just cut out the middle man.
The ONLY, and I mean, the ONLY reason why I say yes is: flu season.
Any other 8 months of the year: go for it.
I think I’m depressed. Wheeeeeee.
Not in a “I need medication” kind of way, but definitely in a “cannot convince myself to do basic take-care-of-myself tasks unless they involve an immediate payoff in happy chemicals.” I’m going to talk to my therapist next week to figure out what to do, but I’d never thought of myself as depressed before, and I was trying to describe to my boss why I’m not doing work that I really like doing, and as the words were coming out of my mouth I was like, “Ah, damn it, that’s depression, what I’m describing there. Goddamn.”
I have a friend who has clinical depression, and that’s always what I thought depression looked like, but apparently there are varying degrees and I think I’ve got one of the lower-end ones and it sucks nonetheless.
I am (EXCITINGLY) bipolar (type II, which is lower-grade, as indicated by its name), and here are two things that might help!
1. Vitamin D3. I recently dropped down some dosages on my meds and I’ve been taking it to compensate. It’s especially good if you don’t get outside a lot–I walk to and from the subway every day but don’t get out too much otherwise, and this is a good way to get sun-based sustenance without actually leaving your hovel.
2. Walks! If I took more of them, I’d probably be even happier. But that’s a thing you can do that’s not taxing and gets you outside.
Hope this helps! Somehow.
Aw, thank you. Yeah, I’m definitely looking up everything one can do to self-medicate, and it IS helping. This is a slow realization that I’ve probably been prone to low-level depression for years and only ever accidentally self-medicating myself out of it, and that perhaps some of my priorities in life should be things like walks and sunlight and popping some St. John’s wort in the morning. It definitely helps to think of those things as “must do” activities as opposed to “maybe I’ll get outside later.”
Depression is BORING. IT’S SO BORING. That’s its biggest secret.
/good luck tho take care of yourself, it’ll be ok.
Well, that made me laugh. IT’S SO TRUE. Super boring. At least the flu has highs and lows.
OH GOD I KNOW. Especially when one is depressed and unemployed. I need a hobby, y’all. But I’m depressed and everything is boring as fuck. I’ve got a therapist and meds, so I’m mostly ok. JUST SO BOOOOORRRRREEEEDDDDD.
Finals. Ten-hour day two at the building that houses my program. Group work awful, house dirty, sobriety, etc. etc.
Also if anyone wants to give me unsolicited feedback, long story short about three (WOW) years ago I met a fun kinky playmate via the old internet. We had a fun thing going for a couple months, meeting up, etc etc (full disclosure: am switch), very much not dating (not exclusive dig?). Anyway, after he introduced me to his friend/old roommate, we sort of stopped because, well I started actually dating his friend. I didn’t feel bad about it but later found out they have a long friendship history of dating the same people (fucking college dudes).
Basically I’ve been, how shall we say, needing to let off some steam and my online fishing has not worked out so well for me. ALSO because whilst trolling ye olde CL, I think I found an ad he was putting out. Basically I put out an incredibly controlled booty-ish call. Not that I want to fuck him. But he’s coming to my neck of the woods after my finals are over next week, we’re having beers, etc. Seeing as he lives halfway across town, I can only assume I’ll take him back to my apartment and we’ll have play time.
So I thought about going through with this whole plan TWO DAYS before I even texted him, and feel okay about it, and frankly think that like all sex-positive folks do, if I’m honest and clear about where I’m at (i.e. don’t want to talk about drama, don’t want to date, probably think this is a one time thing for now, etc) and will not be put out if he doesn’t want to top me, no biggie. Does this sound reasonable? You guys, I just, I can’t deal with some awful dude being pro-kink and ending up just not… just bad and you know, I got needs and it has been a really shitty few months. UGH.
Hello, twin! I just put out an sos to an old *ahem* friend because we have crazy good chemistry and I’m in danger of forgetting that sex can be fun. I may be biased but I say you are being totally reasonable. You guys have a positive history, you’ve already successfully navigated these waters before, and you’re both consenting adults. As long as you make your intentions clear I say go forth and get some!
Yes! Are you going to have some good times? Sending my best. Also I think the best part of (at least my navigation of kinky play time) is that he’s always been all about talking about limits, etc etc. Meaning there’s literally no excuse for chicanery which is sort of why we stopped hanging out. And if he’s not into it, there’s always more internetting.
I got a job offer! I’ll be leaving the Midwest and moving to Boston! Starting my real life, etc!
Most importantly, I will have a new topic of conversation for family Christmas with my highly motivated relatives!
BOSTON! BOSTON BOSTON! Real life here is great! You’ll love it.
This is what I hear! And I visited just a couple weeks ago and started falling HARD for its everything. SO I AM EXCITED TODAY.
Yay, Boston! Have you joined the Toastie/Pinner Facebook yet? It’s here. We’re friendly!
(Also, Connor Joel is my 7-year-old nephew’s name, so I did a double take when I saw your username!)
Just went and joined! Thanks for letting me know such a place exists!
Welcome! Very excited to have you come live in the Best City in the World. (I may be a bit biased.) Hope to see you at future Toastie/Pinner events…if I can ever manage to make any of them myself.
1. Can we discuss last night’s Sound of Music? Discuss.
2. Any tips on how to throw a big party where the attendees are mostly strangers? I got really excited and invited a lot of random, non-overlapping friends to our HUGE apartment party tomorrow and I’m afraid they’ll need to be entertained and in awkward social situations I just get really drunk and hide. I WANT EVERYONE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME GODDAMMIT
Vampire Bill von Trapp made my pants feel funny in a nice way and Carrie Underwood is terrible at acting and also Audra whatshername that played the Mother Superior is flawfree and wonderful. Those are my only thoughts.
I only saw one clip (Do a Deer) and it hurt so bad I refuse to continue. Though I will say the girl playing Liesl has the patented Liesl aloof sneer down pat.
I don’t think you need to bend over backwards to entertain people, but try to make an effort to introduce people to each other and if you can, start them on at least one conversation topic. Like, “Susie, this is Liz, we play kickball together. I think you’re both from California!” is enough to get them going. Especially if some of your friends are among the more awkward, having a little starter can help tremendously.
Regarding the second question–I’ve always relied on loud music and booze. Hadn’t failed me yet and I’ve had numerous parties with upwards of fifty attendees.
Hi! Is there anyone who’s done a Museum Studies MA, or knows someone who has? Is it worth it? Are museums into it? Is it a terrible idea?
I’m trying to figure out what I want to do post college after admin assisting for a year and I have to say I just started volunteering at a museum in their butterfly collection and I am INTO IT. This could be the science-but-not-research field that I wanted to go into, and I could do an MA but I would love to get input if anyone has info or even anecdotes!
I went to school to become an archivist, and the Museum Studies program was part of my faculty, and I took a few classes and knew some people in the program. I don’t know where you are, but I’m in Canada, and the museum field is pretty competitive and there aren’t a TON of jobs, so if you have an MA in museums from a reputable university, you’ll make a lot of good contacts and get a lot of placement opportunities, I imagine.
Also, at least at my university, the program was very theory and literature heavy. Lots and lots of ready and group work.
And here there are also college diplomas you can get in museums, which might also be worth looking into.
I’ve thought about getting a Museum Studies degree because I’m working in a museum that deals primarily with the natural sciences, but I don’t have any scientific background. For me, a Museum Studies MA would be primarily about better understanding the conceptual roles that museums play in educating the public, how museums can better serve their surrounding populations, etc. (This program at Johns Hopkins is one that’s appealing to me, largely because I wouldn’t have to relocate to enroll: http://advanced.jhu.edu/academics/graduate-degree…
What I can tell you about the hiring process here is that full-time jobs in collections/research are rare and the hiring is competitive. We rely a lot on volunteers and students to do a lot of our collections intake/prep/organization. (For example, I’m taking a look at our phone list right now and there are only three paid employees listed for Invertebrate Zoology – the curator, an assistant, and a post doc.) I’m not working at the American Museum of Natural History or anything, but the museum I work at does a fair amount of research and the Invert Zoo department is particularly active. A lot of places are happy to take on interns and volunteers, but don’t have the financial resources to sustain a lot of full-time paid positions. While a museum studies degree seems like it would be a great tool for better understanding how museums work, I don’t think it necessarily gets you a foot in the door so much as it would give you a leg up if you’re already employed at a museum.
Ugh, this seems like such a downer comment that I don’t even want to post it. Follow your dreams! Sort those lepidoptera! Let’s all go to museum school!!!
Thank you I’m really glad you commented, it’s not a downer! Well I mean I guess it kind of is but it’s important to know the viability of jobs when considering them, and the depressing reality is that it seems like most of the interesting ones are competitive. Also the job market.
Can I ask what your role in the museum is? I’d be looking into Museum Studies or something because I wouldn’t necessarily need to be directly involved in the sciencey part (though that would be nice), so any idea of what other roles are necessary is also helpful.
So, I work in our education division & perform a wide range of administrative duties (nothing super fancy – I coordinate field trips, I manage people’s schedules, I interface with the admissions and security staff to make sure everyone knows what’s going on) BUT I’ve very slowly been worming my way into larger projects. I was on the implementation team for new donor management software, now I’m on an exhibit design committee working to help hash out elements of a renovation project – what should classroom spaces look like, how can we make the research going on here more visible to our visitors, how should interstitial spaces be designed, etc. I’m also the main logistics for a partnership program with the largest school district in the county (the program brings over 80 schools here for a day of “experiential learning.”) & that’s all the kind of stuff that I would like to do more of – the stuff that thinks not so much about the objects in our building but more about the people who come into the building. How do we get them here, how do we reach them so that they’re learning (but not feeling like they’re learning, unless they WANT to feel like they’re learning), etc. I’d be happy to talk more specifically about the actual museum I work at and how things work here, but don’t want to get into it publicly. If you want to know more, feel free to email me at [email protected].
Guys, I’m reading Rebecca for the first time and every interaction the narrator has with Mrs. Danvers makes me SO uncomfortable. Not because of the creepiness of Mrs. Danvers, but because of the narrator’s total and complete awkwardness about how to be the lady of the house.
I think that uncomfortableness is the whole point of the book. Narrator-lady is so young and so out of her element. There is so much lurking potential-badness surrounding everything and you really feel how oppressive the situation is.
Oh, totally! It’s so deliciously sinister, but I find myself reading with my shoulders scrunched up to my ears because it’s SO UNCOMFORTABLE.
I kept putting the book down, so impatient with the narrator that I almost didn’t finish the book. I kept thinking, Fire her ass, already! Or tell hubby to get her out of the effing house immediately, if you can’t face her yourself. He would totally do that for you.
My work (we all are remote) is doing a virtual secret santa. You sign up and get your person and then mail them something from their wishlist, then next week we do a video conference call and everyone opens their gift. It’s ok to not participate, right? I’m traveling and on vacation and it seems like such a chore (both the buying/sending and the performance of receiving/opening) but am I being a pill?
Totally okay to not participate. I wouldn’t think you’re being a pill.
My dad informed me last night that he recently joined a dating site. My mom passed away 6 months ago very unexpectedly of cancer, one day before her 65th birthday. They were married for 40 years, and part of me feels like this is just way too soon? He has been strangely unemotional since she died (he even comments frequently about how surprised he is that he hasn’t “felt it” more), and he seems really REALLY stoked to be getting back into the dating pool. I’ve vowed to myself to be supportive no matter what, because his happiness means everything. But… this is weird, right? They were not an unhappy couple, though I think he felt stifled by her a bit. It’s been hard, too, because Dad is not Mom. We’ve been trying to have a closer relationship since she died, but it can be tough. When we talk on the phone, it’s a lot of “This is what I’ve been up to, thanks for checking on me!” from him and very little “How are you doing? What are you up to? I’m interested in you.”
Anyone else out there have experience with this sort of thing?
Oh man, I have the opposite issue with my dad. My mom died suddenly about 8 years ago, and my dad has not shown much interest in dating. I went on a “let’s do this” kick a couple years ago to try to set him up with someone. It didn’t change his mind, and he’s still not interested in dating, to my knowledge.
From what you said, maybe he’ll go on a date or two and that will trigger a new stage in the grieving “process”?? I don’t know. Grief is so weird. Also, this sounds basic maybe, but have you talked to him about what you want from a relationship with him? Men (and especially baby boomer dads?) are also weird and don’t always intuitively pick up on what you want from them in a father-son/daughter relationship.
Anyway, be cautiously supportive? All suggestions. And I’m sorry for your loss! I hope you can build a meaningful relationship with your dad over time!!
I’m so sorry about your mom. I know it’s not the same (at ALL), but just on the communicating-with-an-uncommunicative-parent front: my dad and I don’t do well on the phone together (which I discovered after my parents split up, and I had a “Hmmm…how do I have a relationship with this human?” crisis), but we send each other frequent short emails and text throughout the day. Maybe using another medium to communicate would make you feel more cared for?
That’s a really good suggestion. I tend to do way better via email anyway, and then at least I can just tell him what’s going on in my life, whether I’m prompted to or not. I live all the way across the country from him, so face-to-face stuff is rare, but maybe I’ll just try sending a few emails and see if he responds. Thank you!
I’m sorry if you end up getting three replies from me- my stupid work computer keeps crashing. I’m in the same situation as you. My dad isn’t necessarily interested in dating in a general sense but is reconnecting with an old girlfriend from before he met my mom, although it is somewhat on hold as he deals with depression.
The best advice I have is that “everyone grieves differently.” For me it’s long periods if normalcy followed by the occasional sharp pang of grief rather than the constant outpouring that other members of my family seem to be experiencing.
Your dad may be afraid of being alone, not just in an existential sense but in a practical sense. My father is handy around the house and has no problem with domestic type chores but is terrible with technology and left the bill paying to my mom. I’m an only child, and I think my father, who is in great health, is afraid of being alone for his remaining years and also just doesn’t know how to do certain things for himself.
Which is not to say what you are feeling is wrong, you have every right to feel it is too soon. I know how much the whole situation sucks. Good luck to you.
(My computer is being wonky, too! Sorry if any duplicates.)
You are right, everyone does grieve SO differently. I think I share in your grieving process – I have been so busy with work and school since she died that I rarely have time to just be sad. But I flew home the day after her funeral and haven’t been back to my hometown since. Meanwhile, my dad and the rest of our family have been there in an environment that has so many memories of Mom. (I’m going back for Christmas. Eeeeeek.)
I think he’s definitely uncomfortable being alone, and if that was all there is to it, I think I’d be okay with it. But part of me thinks that he is looking at this as a “second chance” of sorts. His eagerness is what’s getting to me. Like he just got out of a bad relationship and can’t wait to sow his wild oats. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but when your mother is the person being replaced so quickly, it stings a little.
Maybe I have the wrong impression. (I hope I do!) I plan on talking to him in person about it at Christmas and will hopefully be better able to gauge things. Thanks for your kind words, and I’m terribly sorry to hear about the passing of your mom.
I’m sorry for your loss, this is a rough situation. Is it that you’re not feeling supported, or that you think his desire to date doesn’t honor her, or both?
My grandma died around the same time (the night before this site went up, in fact), but we had expected it for awhile as she was in the late stages of Alzheimer’s. A few weeks after the funeral my grandpa was planning an RV trip through all the national parks. My grandpa was an engineer and a Korea vet, and has always been the most oppressively stoic person I know, but even as my gran’s death wasn’t sudden she and their dog were the only thing to ever pierce his facade and he grieved very deeply. He wasn’t being cavalier with his plans, he needed to get out of their now-empty house and do something.
You get that a lot with older men, stoicism. It’s passed in my family from my grandpa down to my dad and through to me, its least capable practitioner. It sucks, because you stop knowing yourself, in a sense. You have a deeply embedded sense of how to present and protect yourself at all times and it gets to a point where it just becomes the way that you live in and out of public. I didn’t cry at my grandma’s funeral, I didn’t know why then and I don’t know why now. I doubt your dad is lying when he says that he’s surprised at his reaction to your mom’s death. When you express your inner life through other people you become easily unmoored when they’re gone. He might be dating because he’s not feeling anything and he desperately wants to. He might be dating because his house is unbearably silent, I don’t know.
You know their relationship better than I do, of course, but this dating isn’t by necessity emblematic of anything in your parents’ relationship, or his feelings for your mom. As for his being remote, it really sucks, for both of you I imagine. My grandpa talked to his pastor about it but aside from the night it happened I don’t think he’s talked to his children about gran’s death or how it’s affected him. We just know that it has.
I hear what you’re saying, and I do need to consider all the reasons that he might be looking to date instead of just, “Woohoo! Single again!” I plan to talk about it with him when I see him at Christmas, if only to understand it better. He isn’t a terribly stoic person – he’s always felt comfortable crying in front of his family, and is a gentle, hippie-ish dude – which is why his lack of emotion about my mom is so confusing. But I need to not see that as a sign that he doesn’t care, just that he’s processing things slowly or differently than the rest of us. I spoke with my sister, who lives close to him, this weekend, and some of the things she told me make me worried that he’s making poor decisions in general. I hope he’ll open up a bit more to me when I can talk to him face-to-face and really express how he’s feeling. It’s pretty tough to see him flailing like this. Thanks for responding, your perspective was really helpful 🙂
My mom went through almost this exact situation several years ago – her mom died unexpectedly (though she was about 10 years older), and my grandpa was dating a woman about 6 months later. It was tough for her and her siblings at first, feeling like their mother had been replaced, but eventually they came to view it from his point of view – he was very used to constant companionship (for over 50 years) – then suddenly, it was all gone. This was also exacerbated by the fact that none of his children lived closer than a 3 hour drive away, and most much farther. So it really was up to him how to handle his grieving period, being the closest to her physically and emotionally. It’s been a while now, and he’s had several girlfriends, and everyone has very much come to terms with it. Even if we don’t particularly like the current girlfriend (there have been some…interesting women), the most important thing is that he is able to have the companionship he wants.
Obviously this situation will vary for everyone – this is just how it happened to end up working out for us. It was definitely hard and strange at the beginning though! I am very sorry for your loss, I hope you and your dad find a more common ground – building relationships can be frustrating and takes time, but you can do it. Good luck!
That makes total sense. I can understand how very difficult it must be for someone to be “alone” after decades of companionship. If that’s truly all it is, I will feel much better about things. I just worry there is more going on. Thanks for sharing your experience! I’m sure we will figure out our relationship eventually, this is just a tough, ill-timed snag.
My grandfather died very suddenly when I was in junior high, just before Thanksgiving. It really threw my grandmother for a loop, of course. But in June of the next year, she re-married…his brother, who was also widowed. There wasn’t any hanky-panky going on beforehand, but they were both lonely and wanted someone to be with. As everyone says here, people do grieving differently.
Wow! That’s kind of cool! Did they end up being together very long? I do hope my dad finds someone to live out his days with, if that’s what he wants. He’s still relatively young, and I can totally understand why he’d want that companionship.
They were married 20 years, and then she died suddenly. I think they had a pretty good relationship, though there were some power struggles, and my husband and I got caught in the middle of one of them before we were married. (Long story.) But on the whole, they were happy to be together. Some people are happy to settle for someone acceptable. so they’re not alone.
I offered to host Christmas for my dad’s side of the family this year. I’m really looking forward to it, and my mom (who would be doing the hosting otherwise) offered to set up and pay for a cleaning service to deep clean my house next week. Awesome! Except it’s becoming increasingly clear that she has some kind of unaddressed anxiety issues surrounding…I don’t know, me, or herself, and it’s making her impossible. “Now, you know you have to make sure that everything is out of the way before they come, right?” YES, MOM, I HEARD YOU THE FIRST EIGHT TIMES. “You know, the appointment is only a week away.” I KNOW, MOM. “I’m going to come over and help you clean up the night before.” OKAY, IF YOU WANT, I GUESS. “You know, everything has to be out of the way when they come!” YES, MOM. “If it’s not, they won’t be able to clean in there!” YES, MOM, I KNOW.
We went on vacation recently and she was just a ball of nerves the entire time. I’d express concern, or ask about it, or try to reassure her, and she would explode at me. I kept having to appeal to my dad to tell her to lay off me, something I’ve never had to do. I try to talk to her about it rationally, which has worked in the past, but lately she just gets defensive. I don’t really know what else to do.
This sounds really frustrating. I have no advice, but I’m sorry!
My mom does this too. It got really bad when my sister and I were planning our respective weddings. There were so many factors to consider! So many things we might forget to do! So much time to stew over them and remind us over and over! It was absolutely maddening. I’m sure it all springs from a place of love–our mothers’ babies are growing up and they just want us to be okay, etc. The dynamic between your mom and her in-laws might be playing into her anxiety as well. No matter the reasons or her intentions, it’s still incredibly irritating.
I have two pieces of advice for you, although you didn’t ask. The first is a constant stream of “Yup.”
“You know, the appointment is only a week away.” “Yup.”
“Everything has to be out of the way before they come!” “Yup.”
Feel free to mix it up with “Okie doke” and “Roger that,” although this might get you yelled at for being a wise-ass. Your goal is assent without engaging.
My second strategy is Facts. Can you call the cleaning company and ask for a detailed description of exactly what condition your house needs to be in before they clean? That way you look like you’re on top of things (which is what your mom desperately needs to know), plus you have a plan for if/when she does come over to clean.
This, too, shall pass. Christmas will come and go and it’s gonna be fine. Then, the next time you host, you can say, “I’ve got it under control, Mom. Just like in 2013!” Good luck.
This advice is both welcome and reasonable! I’m sure you’re right, and she just wants to make sure everything works out. Part of the problem is that I have A Thing about being trusted/taken seriously/treated with respect, so when my mom gets her control freak on, it’s a recipe for trouble. Oh, mothers and daughters.
As for Facts, she’s mostly been corresponding with them via email and has been forwarding their emails to me, so I’m pretty clear on what needs to be done, and in theory, she should know that. But maybe it would help if I were a little more specific about my plan for cleaning this weekend and when she comes over, to show that I get it.
Thank you!
QUESTION PLEASE: Has anybody who plays an instrument badly ever made an effort to find a person or people to play with on a regular basis (like not someone you already know or a friend of a friend, someone(s) you had to make an effort to seek out and find) and how did you do that and how did it go?
(one time an old man with a banjo wearing a barrel and suspenders came at me as I was leaving a lesson and said without preamble LET’S JAM! and I demurred out of alarm although in retrospect I should certainly have said yes. He was not really wearing a barrel but I remember him that way. he reminded me a lot of Mark Twain escaped from the holodeck.)
What instrument? I play a band instrument so I just googled “my town community band” and found a couple options. This is probably not going to work if you live in a small town or play the guitar or something. Can you ask your teacher or the folks who run the music shop if they know anyone? Does the shop have a bulletin board that you could post a notice on? Or if you’re not sketched out- craigslist?
Mandolin, and there is not the demand for mediocre mandolinists with terrible senses of rhythm in DC that I would like there to be. what I would really like is to just accidentally run into somebody who is a tiny bit worse than me but has a totally managing and take-charge personality. but I am afraid that I am indeed going to have to post a craigslist ad at some point. There is also an old-timey music association that hosts monthly sessions out in some community hall in Virginia or something and probably that is what I should look into but the whole idea just alarms me. (I am easily alarmed.)
Oh man, I’m totally alarmed every time I walk into a new band. I always think I’ll be the worst person there and that everyone will already know each other so they won’t want me to butt in. This has literally never been true. Music people are good people. Go to the sessions in Virginia!
Hey, I play mandolin badly too. If you take classes, I second asking your teacher or local shop staff. In addition to a Craigslist ad, I bet making paper flyers (w/ an anonymous email address) and putting them in music shops & coffeeshops would get some responses as well. If you’re interested in/can deal with Irish music, could you go to a session in a pub somewhere and maybe meet musicians there? I’m spoiled by a giant folk music school here, so I’ve never had to go to quite those lengths, but we generally go by the flyer system.
Hey, I play mandolin badly too! No really I’m the worst, I don’t even play chords, just single notes. Luckily I play with these ladies in their band and they like what I come up with. It’s an electric mando so I have the added benefit of covering my sparse play with a ton of delay and overdrive.
Re: Poutine – the bar near my house just put poutine on the menu, which is wonderful for my mouth but less so for my ass. It may be ordered it with brown gravy (which I am lead to believe is the more traditional option) or, because we are in the south, white country gravy.
Because I don’t personally know any Canadians, is this an aberration or an acceptable regional variation?
AHHH I think white gravy is terrifying. Like, that is my gut reaction. I am a Canadian though and I don’t really think it exists here? HOWEVER I am sure it is delicious and should be embraced as a delightful Southern variation. You do you, etc.
So while watching the movie Sound of Music last night, I had a bit of a revelation. I’d always kind of hated “16 Going On 17,” because it’s a pretty stupid song and also Rolf sucks, obviously. I was always particularly turned off by the idea of needing a man to show her what to do. But last night I realized that it all must be sort of a joke, right? Because Liesl is obviously the sexual aggressor in that relationship; she’s the one trying to get Rolf to kiss her and she must be more self-aware than she seems. Do you think she is putting on a show by trying to manipulate Rolf into doing what she wants and he’s totally clueless? Granted she’s still pretty naive about the Nazi thing, but in terms of male-female relationships she actually seems pretty savvy. Anyone else have any insight?
(Obviously this is all ignoring the one line about “and you belong to him” in the reprise, which is terrible and always gets a loud boo from the singalong audience.)
If you haven’t seen McSweeney’s Letter from the Baroness, google it immediately.
“…[my plan to improve their education] would immensely benefit the eldest daughter, who seems intent on losing her virginity to the mailman.”
Also, I saw Rolf’s getup from last night referred to as “brown jorts” which is more or less spot-on.
That was great! “My main pursuits in life shall continue to be martinis, bon mots, and looking fabulous.”
That McSweeney’s letter is one of the best things in the history of ever.
Can’t contribute to any intelligent discussion of your question; too busy laughing about “Granted she’s still pretty naive about the Nazi thing”.
In the DFW area we are experiencing an Icepocalypse, which is unusual, in that we rarely have much that can be called winter weather, so all the things are closed (no school today – yea!). My husband and I ventured out for lunch on semi-safe roads (very slowly) and then went to the grocery store, anticipating worse weather ahead. And this happened:
Deli Lady: When are you due? Any day now?
Me: Um, no, in April.
Deli Lady: What?! <eyes my belly suspiciously>
Thanks a lot. PS – I’m 5 months pregnant. I understand that since I am overweight I do not have a cute tiny bump like the cute tiny people I know, but still. Bummer.
You should have leaned in and whispered, “I bear the stallion that shall mount the world.”
Oh god, I got that ALL THE TIME. Yes, I am aware that I am fat all over, NO, it DOES NOT magically move up my due date. Ugh. My sympathies.
I have an (undeserved, possibly) belief that when people are rude you just get to start fucking with them. Like, yes, I’m due in April… 2020. And just walk away. For me, at least, it helps take away some of the sting of what the other person has said. Also I’m weird. But I’m very sorry she said that to you – totally terrible and rude and major case of mind your own freaking business. Screw cute tiny bumps – you have a FUTURE PERSON inside of you! That’s magical and awesome no matter what the pregnancy looks like.
I think most people don’t know what a pregnancy beyond 5 months looks like, because women beyond month 5 don’t go out that often, (and even people who have been pregnant block out memories of some of their own pregnancy time/have distorted memories of it). A good friend of mine recently gave birth, and she is absolutely tiny — 5’3″, 100 pounds, spent a lot of pre-pregnancy time wearing size 2 and size 00 clothing — and people began telling her she looked due any day now (ruder versions of that as well) consistently from 5 months on through month 9. In month 8, people started saying that she looked like she was about to pop — also super rude! people just have no idea. this isn’t much help in terms of stopping comments from happening, but maybe it will make it somewhat easier not to take them personally? as far as i can tell, people really say that shite to pretty much ALL pregnant ladies month 5 onwards.
It’s getting close to snow season here and my friends are starting to organize skiing trips – is it ok if they invite along the person who dumped me two months ago? Who I met on one of these trips last year?
I am still too new to the idea of driving to Tahoe on my own (also, driving in snow in a skiddy Corolla terrifies me), so I refuse to back out of the trips. But I don’t want to deny anyone else snow either.
(heyyy, any Bay Area people wanna go snowboarding?)
Has anyone heard of Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries? It is an EXCELLENT Aussie tv show that is set in the twenties and is the lead is a woman who is deliciously scandalous and clever.
I have it in my Netflix queue! I plan on watching it soon.
Me too! Can’t wait.
Yes, I’ve seen them, and they are tons of fun. Highly recommend.
It also made me pick up the books they’re based on, and I have to say, the cast matches the books perfectly. (The books are also super-fun!)
I heard there was no Jack/Phryne flirtation in the books. True or not? Not going to lie, it is one of my favorite parts of the tv series.
There is no Phryne/Jack, but there is Phryne/Lin Chung, which is ever so amazing and I am frightfully angry that he appears to have been whitewashed out of the TV series (as far as I know, I had to stop watching the second season such was my lack-of-Lin-Chung rage). But yes, the books are a wonderful amount of fun, very recommended!
Any anime fans out there? I got back into it in an embarrassingly big way this year after a literal 10 year absence and would loooove any recommendations for good series to check out. Points if they’re not, like, 100+ episodes long already. (already seen: your standard pre-2003 Toonami/Adult Swim shows, Attack on Titan, Free!, Puella Magi Madoka Magica, Princess Jellyfish, and making my way through Utena (thanks to a Toastie rec) and FMA.)
Aw, I really loved Madoka Magica and Princess Jellyfish. My tastes tend to skew towards slice of life stuff. I loved Honey and Clover and Kimi Ni Todoke.If you like Utena (which I LOVED back in my nerdly years), then Mawaru Penguindrum is worth a shot. Unfortunately, I haven’t kept up on a lot of super recent stuff… My enthusiasm for (and commitment to) anime tends to come in waves.
nice – my main source of anime recs skews more to the shonen/action-y side of things, so this is much appreciated!
1. The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya (science fiction)
2. Princess Tutu (magical girl/fairy tale deconstruction)
Both have meta and ontological mysteries, ruminations on the nature of reality and such. Also would have recced FMA if you hadn’t mentioned it. I was basically in love with Hawkeye for years and still sort of am.
Oh, I loved Princess Tutu!!!
The friend who introduced me to it wrote her senior thesis on it! She enlisted me to translate the German.
I bought the DVDs a couple years back and finally got around to watching the dub last spring. It was the best dub I’d ever seen! The actress playing Duck absolutely nailed it.
ooh, I’ve heard good things about both of those – will have to check them out! thank you 🙂
I’m watching FMA with absolutely no prior knowledge/spoilers, which my friend tells me is like someone watching Star Wars in this day and age without knowing that Darth Vader is Luke’s father. lol.
Nothing to suggest because like you, my anime familiarity extends to Adult Swim cerca the early 2000s, FMA, Utena and Attack on Titan! I just wanted to say “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” to a fellow Attack on Titan fan. That is all.
P.S. Have you seen FMA Brotherhood?
EEEEEEEEEE indeed! It has consumed me. I’m finally reading the manga after holding out for months and… oh my goddddd, my heart. (true story: my sister and I have made a pact to only read it “together” over gchat—or in person, if possible—because we need the emotional support.)
I haven’t seen Brotherhood yet! my friend/anime guide (lol) was debating on which to show me first and eventually decided that the original series would be a better starting point, even though she prefers Brotherhood. But I’m definitely starting Brotherhood once I finish this one – I hear it’s just phenomenal (and very different).
Comin’ down to this part of the thread because I saw there was FMA DISCUSSION afoot. I agree with your friend’s reasoning. The two are different because Brotherhood adheres pretty closely to the manga, whereas the original overtook the manga fairly quickly and the mangaka didn’t want to reveal her ending, so they had to make one up, with like an entirely different set of world rules to match. They did a great job, but when you compare the two, it’s clear which plot was written by a single person who knew exactly what was going on at all times.
yeah, that’s the impression I got! I just finished episode 20 of the original, and my friend was like, “by the way… this shit happens in EPISODE 5 of Brotherhood.” I SEE. I see.
As for my open-marriage, I made out with the potato-bird man in the back of his car this week and it was awesome. I think we’re getting together to meet spouses this weekend, which is the precursor to our formal introductions to each other’s business.
I went on my date with the lady and it was not as awesome as I wanted it to be. Apparently, I should not go on dates with people I’m not attracted to, just because they ask me. 🙁 I’m the shitty person in this situation. Although, Mallory was right, the worst date with a lady is still better than a mediocre date with a man.
My husband messaged a super hot guy who I really hope he can get a date with. Super hot beard, piercing eyes guy….
And, after my not so great lady date, I ended up going and looking at women on OKC I am actually attracted to, and I’m planning to spend a bunch of time messaging a few of them this weekend!
I’m done lurking! So over it.
Does anyone have recommendations for movie and/or music review sites, blogs, etc. written by women, and maybe feminists (misandrists) in particular? Can someone just tell me what I need to see/listen to?
Ask Jia Tolentino! Amy Rebecca Klein writes for the Talkhouse quite a bit. That’s all I can think of off the top of my head.
Personal revelations time! I am pretty socially anxious at my new job, mostly because I don’t know everyone very well yet and am unsure about where they’re coming from and how I’m being perceived. Mostly I find myself worried about:
1) am I being annoyingly earnest and enthusiastic?
2) am I trying to hard to prove myself?
corollary to 2) am I trying to hard to show that I am “smart”? (I’m realizing that I may do this throughout my entire life, which probably explains my popularity levels throughout school)
3) am I interesting enough to talk to?
AHHH new situations are weird! 🙁 I am trying to tell myself to just chill…
tl;dr: ahhhhhhhhhhh
I am also socially anxious. What works for me, when I can remember to do it: Ask more questions. It gets me out of my own head and helps the person I am talking to, if they might be feeling anxious as well.
And asking questions makes people think you are smart and interesting. Because you were smart enough to find *them* interesting.
Ahh questions! Thanks for this. 🙂
I wrote a few weeks ago about being nervous to visit my dad and his new gf and her entire family in Florida over Thanksgiving. It is SO RIDICULOUS that I was ever worried about being good enough for that whole crew- they (mostly the gf) were, like, the worst kind of Republicans with a hefty dosage of overt and unexamined racism to boot. I figured this out about ten minutes into Thanksgiving and my inner monologue immediately changed from “omg I hope they like me!” to “fuck these fuckers, I hope they don’t like me at all.” WELP.
Anywho, my hair is grown out from a bob and is rapidly approaching the Awkward Length. I have an appointment with my stylist to have her do something to it to make it less horrible while it grows out. Does anyone want to start a Hair Growth Support Group with meeeee?! What are your tips and tricks to make it through?
I am in desperate need of a Hair Growth Support Group. Awhile back I cut like 10+ inches off (I wanted a pixie cut! I thought it would be “fun”! And it was, except for the part where you have to go get your hair cut every 6 weeks or you end up having the exact same haircut as your dad when he was a teen.) I’ve been trying to grow it out since, like, November of last year? I can just barely put it in the world’s tiniest, least flattering ponytail and even that feels like an accomplishment.
Scarves. Lots of scarves. And booze. I started growing mine out from something that was about half an inch shy of a buzz cut four years ago. NGL, it was hellish. Worth it though. NEVER GIVE UP. NEVER SURRENDER.
And booze. Seconding that thought.
I’m pretending to be a female Mick Jagger. You feel ‘cool’ unkempt.
Ice storm! Working from home involves stay in bed til 9 (work starts at 7:30), making pancakes, working for two hours, having lunch, then taking to my bed with a pair of cats. Fantastic!
My life is currently an unending icy hell and shows no signs of changing for the next week, and my work keeps thinking of new and inventive ways to make it worse. What is really getting to me, though, is having to ARGUE with people about it. “That sounds like fun, maybe you should just enjoy it!” and “but you take such pretty pictures of it, it can’t be that bad” are not things I have any interest in hearing right now, and I don’t know why people think that it’s helpful.
What’s YOUR poutine routine? (I tried so hard to make that rhyme in a more elaborate context.)
You guys, I signed up for one of those free trial things that you have to cancel within a week or they charge you for it, and I remembered to cancel in time! I would say I’m inordinately proud of this, but I think my pride level is entirely ordinate.
Warranted, i NEVER remember to do that and I’m always so ashamed of myself.
Amazing!
I can’t even remember to take my library books back.
Baking cookies and decorating this weekend. I am hopeful that it helps put me in the holiday spirit (a death in the family last month makes it difficult to be merry ). My theory is to do happy things, and I will feel better.
These last couple weeks, man. Last Friday I found out I am pregnant, which is cool and welcome news! I…should have done more advance research on this part, because my NP is awesome, but doesn’t deliver babies, and now I have to find a midwife or cool doc. And also figure out how to make my house less hostile to young humans, lead paint-wise. We got the windows replaced, which was the worst of it, but where else in my home does lead lurk? The answer may surprise you!
I also have to get the foster cat adopted and (this is key) refrain from bringing in additional cats, so this is naturally the week where people are coming out of the walls with cat probs.
Congratulations! I am recruiting family members to come strip the lead paint off my windows (that seems to be my main concerning area) before my May baby comes out. I recommend 3M Safest Strip. Very easy, no teratogenic effects (probably still get someone else to do it if possible). Good luck on your lead scavenger hunt… (Also I have decided that baby-proofing my large old strange house is impossible, so we will keep the baby in a giant hamster ball until it’s 5 and can reasonably be expected not to eat things…)
So It turns out that my new boss (whom I’ve known for a while) almost certainly has borderline personality disorder, and this is the week I flipped from good nice person to evil enemy. Her given excuse is that I’m not getting enough work done, when really I just have been unable to both her work and my work while she’s been occupied with personal stuff this week–while working without pay.
On the plus side, I was killing myself using all of my spare time trying frantically to get all the work done, and now it’s kind of irrelevant whether or not I do! Also, the other people in power are finally realizing that this isn’t tenable and are finally going to address her patterns of behavior. Most importantly, I’m pretty sure I can have a livable income even without this job, so I’m ready to walk away. But if anyone has tips for maintaining a professional relationship with someone you would rather never speak to, I welcome them, just in case.
Kill her with courtesy. Elaborate. Formal. Chillin’ killin’ courtesy. Because when NewBoss complains that Faintly_Macabre THANKED HER for dumping all the work on her or responded to totally unreasonable criticism with a wry smile and acknowledgement that perhaps hindsight is 20/20, the rest of the world will know that NewBoss is completely BPD. And batshit.
I'M SO EXCIIIIIIITED. I hope they tour again, I saw them in Boston a few years ago and it was absolutely worth the ten or so years I had waited to see them play.
I think most people don't know what a pregnancy beyond 5 months looks like, because women beyond month 5 don't go out that often, (and even people who have been pregnant block out memories of some of their own pregnancy time/have distorted memories of it). A good friend of mine recently gave birth, and she is absolutely tiny — 5'3", 100 pounds, spent a lot of pre-pregnancy time wearing size 2 and size 00 clothing — and people began telling her she looked due any day now (ruder versions of that as well) consistently from 5 months on through month 9. In month 8, people started saying that she looked like she was about to pop — also super rude! people just have no idea. this isn't much help in terms of stopping comments from happening, but maybe it will make it somewhat easier not to take them personally? as far as i can tell, people really say that shite to pretty much ALL pregnant ladies month 5 onwards.
They were married 20 years, and then she died suddenly. I think they had a pretty good relationship, though there were some power struggles, and my husband and I got caught in the middle of one of them before we were married. (Long story.) But on the whole, they were happy to be together. Some people are happy to settle for someone acceptable. so they're not alone.