Please send your etiquette-based questions to [email protected], subject line: “Ms. Proprietypants.” The archives (well, this is only the second installment) can be found here.
I’m sorry if this is a little gross, but it’s a real worry I face when I’m someone’s houseguest. I often need to get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, when everyone else is sleeping. Is it ruder to (a) flush the toilet, & risk waking everyone in the house with the noise, or (b) not flush the toilet to avoid this risk, but thus leave behind the results? Your advice appreciated.
To me, this seems like a valid question. It really “resonated,” as college freshmen like to say, as an actual conundrum with which I struggled during the recent festive season and all of the bathroom-sharing that it brings. But I have done some asking around, and I have concluded that you and I are in the minority. In fact, the research was a little embarrassing. I may have asked my brother-in-law, certainly not the world’s most fastidious housekeeper, for his opinion. He may have been horrified to learn that I periodically leave my pee in our shared bathroom at my parents’ home when I get up in the night. And he may have expressed not only retrospective revulsion at the many years of of lingering pee, but also shock that I was “that sort of person,” and he may have said that he always assumed it had to be someone else peeing surreptitiously because he didn’t think that I, of all people, would do such a thing. Oops.
I am highly susceptible to this kind of critique (“I didn’t think you were that kind of girl!”), so instead of broadening his horizons and singing a song about how everybody is different and all kinds of people do all kinds of things, I have resolved to change my ways. I guess you have your answer.
Everyone else queried also agreed that it was gross to leave pee, and while it doesn’t gross me out, I guess I see their point. (And no, we will not be discussing the leaving of other stuff. To do so would lower the tone.) That said, I bet if you are hobnobbing at a green holiday rental with some zealous board members of the Environmental Defense Fund, they would be supportive of your choice to save the dolphins/up to 7 gallons of water, potentially. Obviously I will continue to leave my pee to moulder when I eliminate in the dead of night in the comfort of home, because over the course of writing this response I have realized that I believe that it wakes me from my getting-up-to-pee-stupor up when I flush! What will I do when hosting houseguests in my own single-bathroomed home? Shit, I don’t know. I guess maybe it’s finally time to relocate to Altamonte Springs so I can afford to offer visitors a lovely nautical-themed guest bath.
My partner and I–for reasons that will make sense later, I’ll clarify here that we are a hetero couple, not yet married–have a baby on the way, and are just starting to tell our friends. Strangely, we are getting all sorts of inquiries about whether or not it was a planned pregnancy, which I think is a kind of rude question to ask and something I didn’t expect to have to answer many, many times. My impulse is to tell them that it’s none of their fucking business and put them on the list of people banished from seeing our baby until it reaches middle school and becomes unbearable, as a way to punish both parties. But maybe my pregnancy hormones are just flaring up, it’s a totally acceptable thing to ask your friend, and I should just say yeah, it was planned? What say you?
I say: congratulations! And then I say: no, no, no, noooooooo. There was a time, in a world not too far from this one, when I would have said something snarkily smug like, “yeah, way lame! time for some new friends lol :P”
Except I now know firsthand both that this is an unbelievably common response to a pregnancy announcement, and also how extremely unpleasant it is to be asked what your intentions were when you were having sex. It is, in a word, mortifying.
So, here we have it: the question is at once both common and strangely awful, much like a flu, a bedbug, etc. So, what to do? A classic recommended response to such questions is simply, “Why do you ask?” Obviously this is snappy and brilliant, but it requires some presence of mind, as well as a willingness to watch someone splutter. If you’re not up for that, I can also recommend a short pause, followed by a jovial exclamation, i.e. “Wow! [laughing politely]” Then you trail off while appearing to ponder the question. Often this causes the asker to backpedal. One can also try, either in conjunction with the second response or on its own: “Well, it’s complicated.” This may or may not be accompanied by a polite but unyielding smile. More than the other options, this latter choice serves as an end to the chat, and it is surely true: regardless of whether you were charting your cycles religiously, or popping Yaz and Plan B like they were horse tranquilizers and you were a nineties club kid with stupid big jeans, it is certainly complicated. Reproducing is a messy endeavor in every possible sense of the word.
In the name of edification and reducing global levels of obnoxiousness, it can be helpful to examine the motivations of those behaving badly. In this case, the asker, I think, is motivated primarily by the desire to know the answer to his/her question. Because it is pretty interesting, admittedly! Was pipsqueak a mistake? Was pipsqueak planned? Gosh, are they the type of people to have a baby on purpose–in their circumstances [note: people apply this to all sorts of circumstances, married, unmarried, etc.]? The type to eff up their birth control? The type not to have an abortion??? Titillating! Even if the asker realizes that all types of people both plan and do not plan to have the children they do [with or without effing up their birth control], it remains an interesting question. To many of us, other people’s beds, incomes, closeted skeletons, and big life decisions are totally fascinating! But repeat after me: You do not get to ask just because you want to know. Once more, with feeling: You do not get to ask just because you want to know.
I do offer a major caveat: if your BFFL asks you this, don’t be mad–s/he probably gets to know. But hopefully s/he has seen you puke and cry and offered to lend you underpants. And probably you would have told said BFFL anyway?
A parting note to those non-BFFLs inclined to ask this rude question: this is exactly the type of query which will very likely backfire. Before you asked, the expecting individual might have been interested in sharing the circumstances at which s/he arrived in the family way. Perhaps not, but seriously, it might have come up organically. Once someone has asked explicitly, the information begins to feel like a state secret.
“Let It Mellow” banner via the eponymous campaign.
I would never, ever ask if a pregnancy was planned, but I can imagine a world where the asker doesn’t know if they should be happy to hear this news, or if they should supply a “buck up, kiddo, I’m here for you” kind of response. Of course WE know that “how do you feel about that?” is the appropriate way to ask that question, but not everyone is tactful enough to know this.
I’m always game for the “You’re pregnant oh YAYYYY, right? Yayyyy..??” and then they can interject/explain as they want.
Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. “Are we celebrating or commiserating?” is sometimes what people want to know. Some couples have to work very hard to achieve pregnancy. And so when they do, dammit, people are going to know.
I like “Are you excited??” People can answer as generically as they want (“Yes! Baby!”), or get into Real Talk if they feel like it.
That response is definitely better than, “How do you feel about that?”
I actually did have a few people ask me if I was excited, and it literally did not occur to me that they might be asking if the baby was planned, so I think that means it’s a good bet.
Yeah, I think the goal should be to avoid making people feel like they’re being asked a question they don’t want to answer: If the gravid party is already dying to say “This was a total surprise and unless we find a new apartment right now this baby will be sleeping in a drawer lined with newspaper,” she has the opening, but if she’s not it doesn’t really read as fishing? I hope?
Stealing this response! Steal! So good!
I can also imagine me wanting to ask this because of how totally relevant the questions feels to MY life. Like, I’m almost 30, I have a job, I have a partner, I kind of want a baby but not really but I do but I don’t, so timing and how babies come about for other people in similar circumstances is totally fascinating to me.
BUT OF COURSE you don’t to ask!
For pregnant people whose sex life I’ve not previously discussed with them, I’ve shortened “how do you feel about that?” to “How are you feeling?!” My hope is that it can be interpreted as an invitation to kvetch about any aspect of the situation they wish.
Ooh, I really like this! “How do you feel about that?” feels so stuffy and psychiatrist-like, but “how are you feeling?!” is just caring and friendly. Stealing this one!
I am old enough to have friends who are actively trying (including some doing IVF), sometimes for their second or even third kid, and my initial reaction to hearing someone is pregnant is STILL – “Oh my god, honey, are you OK? Do you know what you want to do? I’m here for you no matter what.” Just like it was when we were all 18 or 19 and someone had a scare.
(I don’t ever actually SAY that out loud, of course. But it is my first thought. First thing I say is generally, “Oh, wow!” and then look at them expectantly.)
Re: pee sounds: can we talk about when you and your coworker are the only ones in the bathroom and there’s that TERRIBLE PRE-PEE SILENCE
Worse: when you and your boss are the only ones in the bathroom. HORRIFYING.
STOP ACTUAL TERROR
my manager is pregnant now so she is in the bathroom seemingly every single moment of every day and this happens so much and it’s awfulllll. i have never experienced pee-shyness before but now i totally understand why it’s a thing!
no one should ever have to pee in a stall near their superior.
MY BOSS DOESN’T WASH HER HANDS AFTER SHE GOES TO THE BATHROOM. I should not have to know that.
Could you imagine how it is for guys..?!!
Yes, and then I start OBSESSING about the pee silence and so IT ONLY LASTS LONGER. There’s also the is-someone-trying-to-poop-in-the-far-stall-or-am-I-alone-in-here silence.
I have been known to sit and hold it when I hear someone come in after I’ve ensconced myself in a stall but before I’ve started to pee.
I am always pleased when I walk into the work bathroom and find someone trying to go invisible while silently pooping / waiting for everyone to leave so they can poop, and then I have a really loud fart. Makes me feel liberated, and I hope it inspires them, though it probably does not.
Am I an anomaly in that I literally don’t care at all if anyone hears me peeing or pooping? It’s a bathroom. If I’m not doing one of those two things, you should be worried. I seem to have a lot of coworkers who are afraid to poo at work, and I will never be that person. Sorry coworkers!
I aspire to be this way one, day. Working on it, but sometimes the poo shame overwhelms me.
Oh, yes, I have no shame at all. It’s a bathroom! This is what people come in here to do! Sometimes there are noises or smells, but we are biological entities and we all make those noises/smells in bathrooms from time to time!
According to my husband truck drivers have less shame in the bathroom than anyone else. He’s heard other truck drivers making groaning poop noises while talking on their cell phones. That’s a whole ‘nother level of no shame.
He has also experienced come ons from other men in the restroom which seems like a terrible place to hit on someone. Sooooo truck drivers=no shame at all.
“You do not get to ask just because you want to know.” WORDS TO LIVE BY, PEOPLE.
Also, flush. Yes, in the middle of the night, flush. Always flush. No one wants to see the results of your non-flushing. FLUSHING FOREVER.
“No one wants to see the results of your non-flushing” OR THE SMELL. Ugh, that old pee smell is so so gross, do not want first thing in the morning.
FOREVER AND EVER
whatever i will continue to let it mellow whenever i want; pee is not that gross! luckily i cohabitate with someone who feels the same way.
You are wrong! Pee is very gross!
You are not wrong! Pee isn’t that gross!
I am one of these frequent night-peers, and our housemate’s bedroom shares a wall with the bathroom and I will not wake him three times a night just to prevent someone from – AGHAST HORROR – seeing the sheer terror that is SOMEONE ELSE’S URINE.
Pee is not THAT gross, but some people (cough) have an intense, lifelong aversion to wet toilet paper and might barf in your bathroom if they unexpectedly find it in the toilet bowl. (These people are probably pretty weird, though, so maybe don’t live your life according to them?)
I am one of those people. Do what you want in your own home but if you leave stale pee and wet toilet paper in my bathroom and I find it first thing when I wake up I will flush your eyeballs down the toilet so you can see how it feels.
I may have some issues.
haha me toooo
I had to sit my sister down for a careful talk recently because she wasn’t flushing the toilet every time (or else hadn’t realized it wasn’t flushing) and i was SO CLOSE to murderous about it and didn’t think i could last the 2 months of her stay with us.
but i have this enormous phobia of overflowing toilets that has COME TRUE SEVERAL TIMES OVER and i can’t deal with unflushed toilets as a result. I have to close my eyes and close the lid and flush it and pray that it goes away.
like we had a problem with a tree root and our plumbing system a few months ago and the toilets didn’t flush and the showers/sinks didn’t drain for three days. that was THREE DAYS i did not pee inside the house. i had to make emergency runs to the Walmart downt he street or the panera or the McDonald’s to pee. and waited until everyone left at work so i could poo in peace. It was a nightmare come true.
And quite literally because I have recurring nightmares about being forced to pee in inappropriate places and also about overflowing toilets. It’s going on 22 years of them.
(I also can’t handle toilet lids being left up, but that’s minor in comparison.)
Oh, I’m all for being considerate of people’s personal things, I’m just saying that as a general rule, I don’t think it’s as ridiculously gross as people are making it out to be. I had a housemate with a whole thing about sponges and I thought she was being ridiculous but I respected her sponge rules because it was important to her. If someone told me they’d rather be woken up by flushing than see my wet toilet paper, then that is what I would do.
Me too. Especially at night.
just pee in the shower
Exclusively?
nah you can pee in different showers.
Only if you get all the showers’ informed consent first.
We do not have enough water at my mom’s house to flush just pee, and in REALLY exciting times in the summer, if you want to flush anything else you first go get a bucket of water out of the rainbarrel and dump it in the bowl.
I like to imagine that “anything else” isn’t a euphemism. You know, just…anything else. Incriminating evidence, clownfish that long to rejoin their fathers in the sea, letters written on toilet paper by political prisoners that you’ve finished reading. General stuff you might want to flush. Whatever.
“Take to THE SEA!” I say, hurling old love letters in the toilet and pouring my bucket on them.
Yep, my boyfriend grew up in a house with well water so he had “if it’s yellow, let it mellow / if it’s brown, flush it down” ingrained in his mind. However, we now live in civilization where one must flush one’s waste….
(I should apparently add that this was NOT in Canada.)
My house (in the Boston ‘burbs) is on a well/septic system. I’m happy to pay the septic maintenance guy to flush the system every year or two to avoid mellow yellowing.
Wait, is this in Canada? Because I do not think of Canada as a place that is aqueously challenged. But I could be wrong.
We have a well, we’re not on city water out here. It’s usually only a problem when we have houseguests, which means you sometimes get to hand houseguests buckets and cheerfully explain how to use them.
Ohhh, that deal. Yes, I’ve done that deal before. In Canada, no less.
My boyfriend’s house in Toronto is 150 years old so am familiar with mellowing yellows.
Canada is big
I’m absolutely going to use, “Why do you ask?” with a bright, sunny, slightly-deranged smile if I ever get pregnant and people ask me.
Oh, who am I kidding. There will at least be two people who will ask (like my boss) and I’ll be too nervous to say that to, because she is the Scary Manager.
If your manager asks you if your pregnancy was planned, get thee straight to HR.
Ohhh, how I wish that was a viable option, but even though we have a HR dept here, someone would have to say something to my boss about it if I complained, and since it would obviously come from me I would get the cold shoulder and the nasty high-school-cheerleader-freeze for YEARS.
(She’s a good boss in some ways but as a human being she’s pretty terrible.)
“Why do you ask” is so much fun in so many instances of people being intrusive. I highly recommend it.
I secretly suspect that the fear that people will hear you flush the toilet is actually a fear that people will find out that you pee and think less of you for it. Did you know: those people pee, too?
That sounds more sarcastic than I mean it to be, but seriously, you probably won’t wake anyone up, and if you do, they’ll probably fall back asleep immediately. They might not even remember your dark secret in the morning.
I will remember, and resent you for it. It’s too loud!
It is the height of rudeness to urinate or defecate in someone else’s home. For short visits, hold it until you leave. For longer visits, rent a port-a-potty or a small pied-a-terre apartment nearby. It is also acceptable after dark to pee directly into the storm drain, provided that it is on public property.
I remember reading something somewhere (I know that is vague, but I have literally zero idea where it was–a comments section somewhere, a message board, an advice column, SOMEwhere on the internet) where a woman was so mortified by her own bodily functions that rather than excuse herself to use the washroom, she took a plastic bag, stepped out for a moment, and crapped into a plastic bag beside the house, like a dog, so no one would know that she possessed a functioning bowel system. I think there was something else horrifying about it, like she got locked out, or accidentally left the poo bag on the kitchen table, or something.
I think I read this, or something very similar– I thought the toilet clogged, so she tried to PICK UP the poo and throw it out a window, but something went awry (what could possibly go awry)…?
AHH I remember reading this version, too! AHHH
This makes me think of the David Sedaris story “Big Boy” where Sedaris is confronted by someone else’s bowel movement when he goes to the restroom at a party and he must determine what to do with it while he’s desperately trying to prevent anyone from wrongfully thinking it was his.
That one is definitely a David Sedaris story.
YES she was house-sitting I think and had pooped in a bag for some reason?!!? And then just remembered it sitting on the table after she’d intentionally locked herself out as she left for the final time. At least that’s how I remember it. Yikes.
OHHHHHH MY GOD, dying forever on her behalf
NO I’m either remembering more or embellishing – she had slept over at a new guy’s house and he had left for work and she was locking herself out as she left a little while later.
This is starting to sound super familiar…..
I read that? On a blog? pink india ink maybe like several years ago? She went on a date and it was amazing and she went back to his place and spent the night and everything was going so great. And then he went to work and told her she could show herself out and she went to the bathroom but it got clogged so she picked it up with a plastic bag (like you do to a dog) and on her way out she set it down by the door or on the counter and then locked herself out leaving the poop bag inside.
OKAY SO because I love the toast, I waited until I got home to search “poop bag embarrassing” and found this Snopes article http://www.snopes.com/embarrass/feminine/leftbag…. which sounds like what everyone else is talking about!
But I seem to have conflated it with a story about a woman pooping in a bag outside, which I remember very clearly and inexplicably.
I AM SO GLAD I DIDN’T MAKE THIS UP
BUT THEN WHAT DOES SHE DO WITH A BAG OF TURDS?????
Leave it on the kitchen table, apparently.
I cannot see, hear or think the word “turds” without laughing. Turd. TURD. Turd.
Bag of Turds is my new death metal band. The poop on the logo would be really cool, with flames and lightning coming out of it.
Cosmo, I think? She hooks up with a guy. The next morning he leaves for work, and she gets ready to go. The toilet is not working, so rather than leave her poop there all day, she puts it in a plastic bag which she plans to throw away later. Then she leaves it on his counter and locks herself out because she’s sending him a text about how pleasant the evening was.
Someday I will write the story of 16-year-old me vs. “The Destroilet.” It is a horrifying tale, not for the faint of heart.
I also would never ask if a pregnancy was planned. A few not-close people asked when I was pregnant, and it took me aback, for sure. (Close friends and certain family members didn’t bother me.)
I get the urge behind it, though. I think it goes beyond just the curiosity and circles back to the person who is asking. I know I want to know in my heart sometimes because fertility can seem sort of mysterious. Was it an accident? Did birth control fail? What kind of birth control? Did it take a long time if you were trying? — all gross questions about someone else’s sex life but stuff you wonder if you’re either trying not to get pregnant or trying to get pregnant.
What the hell? I get that some people might be concerned about the mother’s feelings, but why would anyone not just ASSUME THE BEST and work backwards? It’s so much less awkward than doing it in reverse, especially since unplanned isn’t always unwanted?! Ugh, people.
Yeah, unless you’ve gotten a sobbing midnight phone call about it, by the time someone is telling people about a pregnancy, they are generally somewhat excited, and planning to keep it…
Yes, exactly. The sense of entitlement behind asking intensely personal questions or making inappropriate comments is so bizarre. Unless someone’s dead, assume all news is good news and then you’ll still get Christmas cards after the wedding, COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH
[edit] idk why I’m coughing like my dick cousins are reading this and should be picking up on unsubtle hints
And also, hey, lots of babies aren’t planned but are welcome anyway and deserve a congratulations anyway.
A distant cousin called me and whispered “I’m pregnant.” I was not privy to her current dating situation. The last I heard, she was seeing 3 different people, all casually. I knew she believed she might be unable to conceive. No clue whether she *wished* to conceive. And she is notoriously sensitive, exploding at anyone suspected of judging her. So, “I’m pregnant”, then silence. What to say?
That’s why this “anyone” did not just assume the best and work backwards. I was in a tough spot, wanting her to know I supported her no matter how she felt.
But, yes, I agree. Assume the best absent serious reason not to.
Dude, my average comment word count is over 300 already. If I start adding qualifiers for the obvious — your interpersonal mileage may vary, especially with family! context clues, like whispering, are important! common courtesy is not universally applicable! — I will literally bore The Toast’s servers to death. And those things are expensive.
Apologies, ddiz. I did not mean to nitpick. My bad.
“Are you excited?” Upthread. Perfect. The best thing to say.
Also, um. The story! The story! I want to know! Was she excited?
Dammit, I’m one of them.
The story: She was whispering because she was on public transit. There was no time in her day, otherwise to make a call and she was desperate for someone she felt she could talk to.
After a few tense minutes on my part, she indicated she was relieved that she could, after all, get pregnant. However, this news came a week after the father had told her he did not want to see her anymore. She had been hurt by the rejection, but not too much, since they had only dated a few weeks. So now she had to alert him to this pregnancy and was not looking forward to it.
Turns out he had longed to be a father all his life and had given up because he was middle-aged and had not found a woman he wanted to be the mother of his children. He was so excited about this pregnancy, he vowed to work out this relationship with my cousin.
They had a small ceremony a few months later and I feel honored to have signed their marriage certificate. He is a very good person and very good for my cousin.
This was all five years ago and today they have a good marriage and a wonderful pre-schooler.
Aw, that turned out to be a really sweet story. When I read about her whispering her news to you, I was afraid she was going to be in for a really rough time.
Yaaaay!
Lovely!
“Congratulations! How are you feeling?” is a nice, unoffensive response to pregnancy news. It expresses congratulations as well as concern for the mom-to-be’s well-being. The open-ended nature of “how are you feeling” then gives her the option to just say “feeling great” or “ugh, morning sickness” OR “OMG this wasn’t planned and I’m terrified.”
An unmarried friend of mine announced that she was pregnant over the phone and I did a simple “Congrats!” Later I met her for lunch with a handful of yellow flowers and she responded with, “Flowers? For getting accidentally knocked up?” Soooo, that’s one way to get to the bottom of it.
oh hew boy. flinching here because I just realized I completely did the pregnancy question thing last week with a friend who I go to school with. IT’S JUST BECAUSE WE’RE SO BUSY WITH WORK AND SCHOOL AND IT SEEMED LIKE A NATURAL THING TO ASK! ugh, sometimes my mouth gets ahead of my common sense filter.
Oh no!
I BLEW IT!!!!!
Ah I always wonder whether or not to flush at night! I am pleased to have an answer.
Less pleased, though, to find out that just because I grew up in a ‘let it mellow’ household doesn’t mean anyone else did. I didn’t realize it was so gross? You save so much water! (I grew up in Canada’s petite desert region, water was scarce.)
It’s not gross. It’s fine. Leave it til everyone’s awake!
Both sleep and water are precious.
It’s not that there is anything wrong with pee it’s just that it’s alarming to be confronted by someone else’s pee (and stale pee smell) first thing in the morning. I only have one bathroom though.
I grew up in Canada’s rainforest, and while we didn’t regularly ‘let it mellow’ that was definitely the standard at some of the friends’ houses. It just makes sense!
See, I’m totally behind the let it mellow thing. It’s great and fabulous!
But I have this phobia, you see, and I can’t bring myself to use a toilet that hasn’t been flushed. Like, even a scrap of toilet paper that fell in while changing a tampon or something, I have to fight very hard to not flush first. When we had a toilet bowl bleach thing that stained the water blue, I had to force myself to pee, like pee shyness or something. It’s really pathetic.
I also don’t pee at night because of the phobia, because I don’t want to flush and bother everyone with the noisy pipes, but also can’t bear to not flush. Luckily my bladder is, apparently, enormous.
When I was pregnant with my first, my MIL’s best friend cornered me and chirped, “So! Was this planned??” I just stared at her and said “I have no idea how to answer that question,” and that was the end of that line of conversation.
perfect username/comment synchronicity
I remember when a cousin’s husband, at a family gathering where people (NOT ME) where teasing them about when they were going to quit fooling around and have a baby already, they’d been married for like YEARS and what was up, blurted out, obviously agitated, “Well, I mean, we’re having sex, and we’re not using birth control!” and there was this moment of SUPER AWKWARD SILENCE when everyone realized how out of line they were being. I know that we’re socially programmed to avoid awkwardness, but sometimes it can be a good learning tool!
“Every night he jizzes all over my tits! I just can’t understand why we aren’t pregnant yet!”
Oh. I guess my family’s refrain of “If it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown flush it down” was sort of a weird thing to pass on?
No. It’s fine. Carry on.
Totally not weird!
I’d never heard that phrase before, and was struggling to figure out what the poop equivalent would be. “If it’s shit, let it sit?”
regarding people who think “if it’s yellow, let it mellow” is gross:
“NC State Epidemiologist, Dr. Jeff Engel says there is not a health risk.
“Urine is normally sterile as a body fluid. Even if you have a urinary tract infection with bacteria in your urine it would be inactivated with the chlorine levels in the public water supply,” he said. “So there’s really no known disease transmission with urine left un-flushed in the toilet.”
Dr. Engel says women shouldn’t be concerned about the “splash factor” either, knowing they may feel more vulnerable. People should still flush their toilets at least once a day.
“Things like to grow in urine and after a while the chlorine will inactivate in the toilet bowl water. It will being to bubble away and things will begin to grow. The odor will increase so it can get disgusting, smell bad and stain your toilet,” he said.””
that said, i’d probably flush if i didn’t know for certain the people you’re staying with leave pee in their toilets.
I have never considered the etiquette of getting up in the middle of the night to pee and noises made in so doing, so thanks for adding another anxiety to the list!
Also I am super-awkward around pregnant ladies and tend to just gesture awkwardly towards the midsection and say something like “how’s this baby stuff coming along” and then let them tell me particularities or generalities as they choose. I don’t think I’ve offended anyone with this, per se, but I do get some strange looks. I kind of don’t want to know the details of how the baby came to exist, you know? Eeep, people I know have sex!!! Ack!
I have a great way to find out if someone is pregnant if you suspect so, but are a little nervous that you’re wrong.
“HOW ARE YOU?” If they’re pregnant they’ll mention that, and will appreciate the delicacy in which you asked. If they aren’t they will say something about how they are, and just think that you seem really empathetic that day.
I certainly won’t, actually. I’ve spent the last several weeks enjoying making various product reps uncomfortable by answering “fine,” despite looking like I’ve just swallowed a beach ball. Because what do you answer, actually?
-How are you?
-Pregnant!
…just seems weird. Doesn’t it? I don’t know. Though on the other hand, I don’t care at all about anyone who has asked lately, and none of them are going to bring me presents, so there’s really just no point.
Oh man Product reps! Make them uncomfortable!
I just use the “How are You?” for people I know around work or at my daughters school, but don’t know well enough to have been part of any big announcement, and if they don’t want to tell me (which, a million reasons not to) they don’t tell me. I love to talk about pregnancy since I had 2 fairly good ones (no horror stories, but plenty of sympathy from me).
Mainly I ask because I might have the hookup for free baby gear (from me or one of my mom friends)
Idk, I have a sort of metric about when it is OK to mellow it. OK: Home with family (because they taught me the Mellow Way), with friends with whom, over the course of your friendship, you have discussed this already and agree mellow is the way to go. Not OK: Staying overnight in anyone’s home who is NOT one of the aforementioned, at parties no matter whose house, at work.
Yes, friends, people mellow it at my place of work. And it’s only men, because there’s never any TP in there. I understand the eco-benefits (and have narrowed down the Offenders to two eco-minded dudes) but like…it’s not okay at work!!!
I don’t think I have ever been woken up by a toilet flushing, soooooo flush away?
Upon encountering a pregnant woman my go to move these days is to compliment her on her beer gut while sounding envious and enthusiastic, as in “Hey, that’s some beer gut you got going on there, Girl!”
Have not been punched in the face even once.
As a peeing visitor, I follow Mitchell & Webb’s rules (starts at 1:18): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=00NOOB5ZGg8#t=78
I got Was It Planned?’s more dismayingly explicit cousin, Were You Trying? from a SUPERIOR AT WORK. Yes, she was asking what kind of sex I was having, and not even in a roundabout way. I was so taken aback there was nothing left in my head but honesty: “Well, it wasn’t an accident, if that’s what you’re asking.”
Of course, this is also the lady who asked me if I was close with my mother while out to lunch. WHAT WOULD SHE HAVE SAID TO “NO”?
Or try: "Oh that's so exciting/surprising! Are you excited?"