A new feature! Please send your etiquette-based questions to [email protected], subject line: “Ms. Proprietypants.”
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My flatmate is wonderful in most ways. He’s generous, kind, a fabulous cook, and a pleasure to be around. Unfortunately, he also has deplorable personal hygiene. After watching him lick his fingers while cutting vegetables a few times, I have stopped eating anything he makes that is raw. He says he distrusts soap when washing hands. Whenever I come back home after a few hours, I notice a strong BO smell wafting through the hallway. Aside from moving out, is there anything I can do?
Ew, this question is gross. Not as gross as the two dead birds I saw on the sidewalk today in two different states of decay, but SICKNESS! That is mad nasty, and these situations sound rancid. Note I said situations. Because we have two different problems here. They might benefit from the same approach, but they might not; you’ll have to be the final judge.
About the absence of hand-washing before preparing food for others, you absolutely must be direct. I can’t tell if you’ve explained to him why you are no longer eating his kale salad, but if you haven’t, simply give him the facts. You don’t have to be way harsh. You just have to tell it like it is. A well-placed “dude” goes a long way. For example:
Your Dirty Roommate: Want some fresh hummus-guac mashup?
Yourself: Dude. You totally licked your fingers while making that. I cannot in good faith eat it.
Your Dirty Roommate: Why not? Don’t be such a stick in the mud! Haven’t you heard about the Hygiene Hypothesis?
Yourself: It’s a hypothesis. Not a fact. You gotta wash your hands before you cook, dude. It’s just one of those things.
I like the use of “dude” here. It emphasizes that you are talking to him directly and pointedly. He knows you mean him, not the cat. But it also identifies him as a companion, and adds jocular levity to your remarks.
But really, with regards to the absence of hand-washing before cooking, you can even be less friendly. You can just tell him, in so many words, that he must wash his hands with soap before preparing food for others. You can explain that he would probably be better off washing his hands before he prepares food for himself, too. If he were preparing food professionally, it would be the law. This, and washing your hands after you use the toilet, is such common courtesy that you do not beat around the bush in saying it. Where someone is literally defecating on common courtesy, and the situation is not emotionally fraught, delicate handling is not required.
However, there are no laws about smelling bad. If you want to suggest to him that his habits could be alienating to others, you can again employ the use of dude. I.e.:
Yourself: Smelling ripe in here, dude. When did you last shower?
Or, in the unlikely event that he asks your opinion, you could employ the unfailingly polite wording my husband once used when I asked if my hair looked dirty: “It doesn’t look as clean as it does when you’ve recently washed it.” But, the thing is, dear LW, he won’t ask your opinion. He doesn’t care. And hopefully that is charming somehow? Perhaps he doesn’t care in other ways, so he’s sort of a free spirit? Which is something you enjoy? Maybe you guys like to hike together, or do performance art, or attend Burning Man, other “free-spirited” activities? Let us hope.
I am curious about his distrust of soap, though. Perhaps he just needs a shrink.
***
I was invited to a bridal shower but not the wedding. What is the etiquette?
There is no etiquette in that situation. Only bad manners. Sadly, I must inform you that this person is likely not worth your time. The only possible explanation that isn’t unpardonably uncouth is that the host of the shower did not know who was invited to the wedding, and it is a surprise shower. That’s it. (And if that’s the case, it’s very badly done on the hostess’s part.)
Right about here is where I’m inclined to decry the materialistic nature of society today, because clearly this person wants you to buy her something but doesn’t want to buy you a seat at her wedding, or “can’t” or some nonsense, but I just bought a sweatshirt that makes me feel very glamorous and am having a hard time coping with the recent loss of my sweet and beloved and thoroughly effective rain boots. This makes it difficult for me to wholeheartedly and unselfconsciously condemn cultures of consumption, etc.
That said, it is not difficult for me to say definitively that weddings are not about the prezzies, and bridal showers, are, with few exceptions, lousy times. This person is rude, and has created a situation that cannot be justified. Don’t go. Don’t send a gift. Just send polite regrets to the bridal shower. What a segue for…!
***
How do you fill out a decline card?
What a great question (and so very concise). Here’s how: You don’t simply fill out a decline card. You check the sad little “decline” or “will not attend” box, and then you write a note. In my book (or “page on the world wide web,” I guess) this would be on a separate piece of paper, which you would then tuck neatly into the provided envelope, but I concede, I guess, that’s not really necessary. If there’s room on the front of the decline card, you can start writing your note at the bottom and then continue on the back. If there’s no room, just draw a friendly little arrow on the front and write your nice note on the back. But you MUST write a supplementary note, and it must be a few lines long.
And, your nice note must contain:
1. Gratitude for being invited/thought of/included
2. A straightforward statement conveying that you won’t be able to make it
3. Some expression of regret
Your nice note can contain:
1. The reason why. This reason, if you choose to include it, can be vague or specific, true or untrue. (I mean, I guess true is better, but as long as you won’t get caught, I do not care what you say.)
An invitation is not a contract, so you’re absolutely not obligated to justify your absence, but if you have a good reason and sharing it would make you feel better, proceed apace. Good reasons include:
1. You will be out of the country
2. You have already committed to another wedding on that date
3. You have just had a baby or will be expecting one anysecondnow
4. You are in medical school or the Marines or similar grueling exercise in spirit-breaking and cannot get the time off
Good reasons do not include:
1. You can’t afford it (make no mistake–this is a good reason not to attend, but it is not appropriate to make this the bride/groom’s problem. Also dicey because if it were your bestie, you would probably find that somehow you could, in fact, afford to fly to Tacoma AND buy a new dress to boot.)
2. It is difficult to travel with your pet (again, if this is true, so be it. But no one wants to hear that your special-needs weasel is specialer than his special day).
Good reasons that need not be named explicitly in your kind little note:
1. You live very far away from the blessed event.
2. You have a million small children who must be watered, fed, napped, wheeled about, scrubbed, changed out of soiled diapers and/or rompers around the clock.
If you fit into one (or, yikes, both) of these categories, presumably the lucky couple has invited you with the understanding that you might not be able to make it, and the fact that you won’t be schlepping your brood through x-ray sensors that will no doubt give their mini-brains mini-brain tumors is not going to come as a surprise to them. Unless they are weirdly thoughtless. Which they may well be! But let us hope that they are not, because probably you are either friends with them, or related to them.
Really, the decline card presents a problem that should not exist. Because, in my mind, there should be no decline card! Because this is not elementary school, and no one should be passing notes that say “Do you like me, check yes or no.” I often hear of betrotheds who feel snubbed when they receive decline cards upon which someone has ticked the “no” box with a sad, cold, ungrateful little tick and nothing more, and I think why did you give them the chance to be annoying? It’s like handing a toddler a Ming vase with a super cool snarly dragon, and being upset when they yell “DWAGON!” and smash it. Dude, you straight-up handed the kid the vase! I saw you do it!!!
If you have decided to get married, fine. Just send out some invitations. People will get back to you. (I disagree because I literally never remember to respond to invites and am a total monster. – Ed. note) How? Do you have a return address stamp (you should! they are fun!)? Do you have a cell phone? Do you have email? Do you have google chat? Do you have WhatsApp? Do you have snapchat? I thought so! They will find you. I promise.
You, the LW, may now wonder why, if someone has done the silly thing of including a response card, you, the unwitting, long-suffering recipient, are responsible for raising the tone. Because it’s the right thing to do. It will make everyone happier: you, and the unlucky bride/groom. Also, I’m looking back at your original question and sensing that you might be the strong and silent–or at least pithy–sort, so you may balk at all this extra wordage, but you did ask, and that’s what I think.
Tags: advice, etiquette, ms. proprietypants, no i don’t want to write a decline note reallllly?, raising the tone
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I completely agree with everything here. That said, weddings that involve anything more than signing a paper at a courthouse* are one of the patriarchy’s favorite ways of getting women to manufacture drama amongst ourselves and cause us to resent each other. Anyone who feels herself getting caught in this trap would do well to remind herself that she always has the option of taking to the sea.
*Not yours. I’m sure your wedding was lovely.
My mother’s favorite thing to do was throw away the response card and even its self-addressed stamped envelope, and write a correct little note, whether accepting with pleasure or declining with regret. She considered response cards the height of tack, and if people are being tacky, that doesn’t mean you have to get down in the mud with them.
I am trying really hard to not write something passive-agressive here about my boyfriend’s lack of soap use when really i just need to tell him that the soap level has not changed since the last time i visited and that’s hella gross, man. It is difficult to argue with utter apathy! Maybe i can get him to wash his hands while im here and then…he’ll magically come to his senses and wash them always??
He is a GROWN ADULT. There is no excuse.
Haha I did bring it up to him yesterday actually mostly because it is easier to be like “dude there’s this gross thing you do and I’d like it if you stopped doing it?” when you’ve just gotten engaged? Is that a humblebrag? Yes, it is, sorry. Society has not given me a different way to say that. This is all still very new.
Yes, an etiquette column on The Toast! The very small part of me that is actually my mother* is thrilled. And I agree with Ms. Prioprietypants about everything, including writing the wedding decline note. It’s something everyone can do in 5 minutes, including the monster that is Nicole (or Mallory).
(Just kidding, Mallory (or Nicole), luv ya lots!)
*This small part also includes Grammar Policewoman, and whenever I feel like an emotional martyr.
The bridal shower invitation i just got didn’t even have a decline card. Just a phone number and RSVP! but I have phone phobia and there’s NO WAY i can call up my stepbrother’s fiancee’s sister to say that I am sorry i can’t attend but I work on Saturdays and I am poor and can’t afford to take the day off since I’ll have to take off two days for the wedding three weeks later. (NOT that I would say so bluntly like that!)
It’s very stressful. Also stressful is that my stepmom and sister-in-law-to-be are going all out with the annoying wedding traditions and it is everything I hate about the whole thing (diamonds, color-coordinated flowers/bridesmaids/table settings, dress and shoes that will be worn once and cost more than two months’ of my pay, at least (probably closer three months’ worth, iirc)). It is really tough being a feminist and very aware of various forms of prejudice and oppression because a lot of my family members are completely oblivious to it or to their privilege or to how antifeminist they can be and it makes me want to scream. I’m single with no intention of dating, but I kind of want to find a temporary girlfriend to take to the wedding just so that I can a) have a date to escape/commiserate with and b) stop some of the homophobic jokes in their tracks because the family is too polite to say them when they’re faced with gay people (same thing with racist shit). But it’s my stepbrother’s wedding and I hardly know his half of the family, so that would be wrong of me.
This is more the kind of thing I should write to Captain Awkward about, I guess. I need to not be passive-aggressive and just smile and get through it and be as polite as possible until I can afford to live in a new city and never see these people again.
Send a text!
There’s no reason why you can’t call and cheerfully say “Sorry, I won’t be able to make it to the shower!”. If the person on the other end of the phone gets pouty about it (since, from your description it seems like they might), just apologize, say “I’m sorry, but I already had other plans”, and then add “But I am looking forward to seeing you and the bride at the wedding in a few weeks!”.
If you keep it short, sweet, and cheerful, it should be relatively painless. I mean, it looks like you have to RSVP by phone whether or not you attend the bridal shower, so if you have to call, why not get the outcome you really want? It sounds like you’re already going to be using a lot of emotional energy to be pleasant at the wedding; there’s no point in spending more of it than you have trying to be polite at a bridal shower.
Good luck!
I’m someone who’s way too nervous to ever directly tell someone that they smell, so here’s my shy -person alternative–I’d ask something a little less accusatory like “oh man, does it smell really weird in here to you? like sweaty or something?” and start cleaning lightly–maybe that would be enough to get them thinking about whether it’s them? That being said, I’m definitely someone who would end up living with BO-smell rather than saying anything about it.
Having just gone through Wedding, I really appreciated when people returned the RSVPs with either response. There are some friends I have that I was genuinely not sure if they would be able to make it, and getting A response was better than no response. We used the response cards to be sure we had names and numbers for the caterer right.
So, yes, response cards are necessary if they are included with the invite.
Yeah, for our wedding the response cards were an easy way for us to make sure we had names spelled right, names for +1s, and a head count. What peeved me were the people who never bothered RSVPing, who then had to be tracked down and asked if they were coming at all. Planning a wedding on a tight budget meant we needed to get the head count as closely as possible, so they were pretty important in the whole mess of planning, whether they fit in etiquette or tackiness categories or not.
Yes, this. I’ve never heard of response cards being tacky before, and considering how many larger etiquette violations people think are perfectly okay for weddings … I can’t bring myself to feel that badly about using response cards.
As a person who was brought up by non-American/western parents who didn’t spend much time teaching me manners, Vietnamese or otherwise, I’m actually a little horrified that inviting someone to a shower and not the proper wedding was a faux pas. I am that person! And I did it because we had to place limits on the number of people to invite because of budget and we ended up doing so based on how long we’ve known people (friendships had to be 1 year, both of us had to have met a relative or family friend in order to invite them), but I still wanted to celebrate/party with newer friends. I didn’t do it because I wanted gifts from them. 🙁 I think I actually asked some friends about this and they said that they thought it would be okay because shower guest lists can be as broad as possible.. or so I was told. In hindsight, said friend may have been thinking about “more shower guests = more gifts.” Honestly, as someone whose friends threw a nyan cat themed bridal shower, I really enjoyed it and hoped everyone else liked it too.
I’m also horrible about RSVPing but got better after hosting my own wedding. I’m also trying to be better about formally sending thank you notes, as that is a thing, and a thing that I never had a scad of relatives admonish me for growing up.
In short, I am a monster, but it’s never because I am trying to be a terrible person to the offended. And I am trying to be better!
Yeah, my first thought was “is it a small wedding? Is the wedding going to be elsewhere?” I was in a similar situation a few years back it was really just because I was a new local friend and the bride thought I was rad and wanted to introduce me to her older lady friends from farther away, who were also rad. I took no offense. I showed up, made some new friends, and had a lovely time. Context is everything!
Not to take the attention away here, but my friend and I actually have an etiquette advice site! And smelliness was the first question we tackled, in case anyone is interested! http://uncommon-courtesy.com/2013/06/17/how-do-i-…
Jaya! I’m a huge fan of your site – I don’t often comment but I read literally everything. I’ve even used it to diffuse a few arguments about what is/isn’t polite, it’s very useful.
Jaya, love your advice to go through HR. I sincerely wish there was an HR department in some of my former apartments.
Jaya! I'm a huge fan of your site – I don't often comment but I read literally everything. I've even used it to diffuse a few arguments about what is/isn't polite, it's very useful.
I was told in the course of planning a friend’s wedding about a year before my own that it is a HUGE breach of etiquette to invite someone to any showers or pre-wedding festivities who isn’t on the wedding invites list, and that anyone invited to any parties/showers would be right in assuming they will also get a wedding invite and if there was an offense with regard to that kind of thing it’s entirely justified, because it’s just Not How It’s Done.
I was pretty surprised to hear it, as I know of a few friends who had smallish weddings due to budgeting constraints who wanted to expand the showers/parties to include people who couldn’t be invited due to those restrictions. But the older ladies in the crowd (moms and grandmothers, etc) were appalled that we younger folks didn’t know this stuff.
Like I said above, I believe context is important! I can’t imagine the pettiness of the person who get offended at being invited to come have fun at the shower but wedding, when you know that person’s wedding will be very small.
I was told in the course of planning a friend's wedding about a year before my own that it is a HUGE breach of etiquette to invite someone to any showers or pre-wedding festivities who isn't on the wedding invites list, and that anyone invited to any parties/showers would be right in assuming they will also get a wedding invite and if there was an offense with regard to that kind of thing it's entirely justified, because it's just Not How It's Done.
I was pretty surprised to hear it, as I know of a few friends who had smallish weddings due to budgeting constraints who wanted to expand the showers/parties to include people who couldn't be invited due to those restrictions. But the older ladies in the crowd (moms and grandmothers, etc) were appalled that we younger folks didn't know this stuff.
Agree about hand-washing but my wife makes a big deal about tasting sauce/soup with the stirring spoon. Like, first of all, we make out all the time so you already have my germs. Second, whatever infinitesimal quantum of germiness is transmitted from the spoon to the sauce is NOT going to survive being simmered/boiled.
I touch food a lot when cooking but also wash my hands a lot — the way most restaurants do it. Mr. Flatmate is dead wrong on that account.
I am sort of a gross person and am not particularly good about washing my hands before I eat or cook — unless I am cooking for someone else. My germs are my germs, you know? No one else asked to be invited to my germ party. I am one of those people who believes the more antibodies I develop, the better, but I also grew up in a household with an immunocompromised person so… I don’t get to make that decision for other people.
That said, one good habit to get into while cooking is not reusing/mixing/double dipping spoons/measuring utensils. I.e., if it goes into the container of sour cream and then touches the chili, you need to get a new spoon to get more sour cream. Your food will actually last longer in the fridge if you only touch it with clean utensils — it’ll take much longer to get moldy.
Also bridal showers are the absolute fucking worst and you should feel free to decline for any reason at all up to and including “I just don’t feel like it.”
Damn, I wash my hands constantly when cooking. If it’s not to rid my hands of the salmonella from the chicken, it’s to clear off the okra grease or garlic stickiness.
Damn, I wash my hands constantly when cooking. If it's not to rid my hands of the salmonella from the chicken, it's to clear off the okra grease or garlic stickiness.
She’s back! FTW.