Please send your etiquette-based questions to [email protected], subject line: “Ms. Proprietypants.” The archives can be found here.
I would like your take on a current predicament, even though I think I already know in my heart what I have to do. I’m supposed to be hosting a housewarming party this coming Saturday, to which I’ve invited fifty or so people. I’ve been very excited to show all my friends my new place, which is, for the first time, not a share! But I found out a few days ago that my partner has bedbugs in her apartment. We go back and forth from each other’s houses a couple of times a week. I haven’t shown any bites (and historically I do; this is not the first time she or I has had them…communal living!) or seen any signs of critter activity in my house. As a precaution, I have set traps and sprinkled diatomaceous earth everywhere, just in case “something” managed to sneak in. My gut tells me that my house is in the clear — but low risk is still a risk, so my impulse is to postpone the party for a couple of months just in case anything shows up. I don’t want to have the conversation with all 50 people to ascertain what level of risk each individual is comfortable with, and the idea of keeping it quiet goes against my nature. Bedbugs are practically an epidemic in this city and I think New York, as a population, needs to be more educated and risk-adverse. What’s your take?
You know what to do, girl, so do it. Pests and plagues have such a weird way of ruling one’s life, even when it seems they should be relegated to bearded Birkenstock-wearers of the Old Testament. But I see no reason why you need to keep it quiet. You are certainly entitled to say “party postponed, watch this space!” But it would also be fine to say “Party postponed because someone close to me has bedbugs and I don’t want to put people at risk needlessly,” thereby doing a little PSA about contagion.
It’s good of you to cancel, though if you didn’t I wouldn’t be all like, “What a Dr. Wayne Harrington!” But it’s probably the right thing to do. When you fear you may have bedbugs (Miss Proprietypants has been to that neurotic corner of hell and done that [thing where you lift up the mattress in the middle of the night to see if you can catch any rogue lentil-sized ghouls scampering into the crevices of the very object that had formerly brought you so much comfort and happiness], thankyouverymuch) you are tortured not only by the fear of the bugs themselves, but also of becoming a buggy leper who ruins the lives of everyone close to you. You have to manage the latter fear judiciously — it is not necessary to cut off social contact, stop seeing your therapist, etc., because this will make you nuts. But you also don’t want to make yourself anxious by taking what you call risks. And duh, nor do you actually want anyone to say, “Her? She’s fine, I guess, but she gave me bedbugs.”
So play it safe, don’t host massive parties, and go pour yourself a cereal bowl of scotch on me. Virtual hugs, just ’cause I don’t want what you [probably don’t actually] have.
*
Please advise me about an awkward situation I deal with semi frequently, which is nosy people asking about my tattoo (2 letters on my right wrist). I got it when I was 18, the day I found out my best friend died (there have never been such friends; we called each other “bestie” and shared clothes, Mexican rock music, code words, paper cup phones between our houses, and possibly underlying romantic feelings). This happened about six years ago, and needless to say a terrible and dark time of my life and one which I haven’t forgotten, but I have moved on healthily with some grief counselling and support of family and other friends. I don’t like telling people about it unless we are on the verge of becoming good friends, because it is sharing something very personal, and also, death makes people awkward and I have been the poor sad girl whose best friend died enough to be over the label. I don’t like having to make someone else feel better about something that happened to me, or having to say ”it’s okay, it happened a long time ago.” Anyway, how to tell nosy parkers to mind their own business professionally and politely? I make a point of not asking about tattoos. Non-tattooed people can be ignorant and careless but mostly don’t mean it badly, so I don’t want to just tell them to get lost.
Oof. I’m sorry, girl. That is a major fucking loss and it flat-out sucks and will continue to do so. Forever. And yes, people are not so good with death, as you’ve noticed, in spite of the fact the eloquent people are always reminding anyone willing to listen that it’s a fairly natural and inescapable part of life and love and anything good and living and breathing. And yes, this tribute is written visibly on your body, so you will continue to field these queries, probably forever. (Rest assured, though, that as you age more and more people will join the dreary club of Poor Sad People Whose Best Friends Died, so as time goes on, this is less and less likely to be a singular thing for you. Cold, dank comfort, I know.)
The main thing is this: you owe no one information, but you do owe them a reasonably polite response. So I think you should come up with something that feels comfortable to you and shuts down further discourse. “It’s a long story that I don’t generally go into,” could work if it is delivered warmly, politely. See if your delivery is up that. Another option is “it’s in memory of a friend who died a long time ago.” If they express horror, you can simply say “thanks for your sympathy,” even if it doesn’t feel anything like sympathy; you don’t have to say “it’s okay.” If they press you further, they have stepped over the rude line and you can just put them off with a firm but polite “I’d rather not discuss it.” If people feel somewhat uncomfortable that’s fine — they asked what is, I guess, a personal question. But the end result should be that they feel uncomfortable simply because you would prefer not to disclose more, not because you are trying to make them feel uncomfortable.
I don’t have a tattoo. And I wonder what people (readers) think: at what point, if ever, can you ask someone about their tattoo? I ask this with uninformed curiosity, and, obviously, professional interest. I would feel free to ask someone to whom I felt close. But I couldn’t really be more specific about what “close” meant, beyond saying that many tattoos are very personal, and not feeling that I myself was necessarily ready or interested in delving deep into the lived experiences of the woman seated next to me at a medium-good friend’s overpriced birthday dinner.
Tags: advice, etiquette, ms. proprietypants
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I would generally compliment a person on a tattoo if it’s clearly visible and I think it’s neat. (And, of course, if I’m in conversation with the person already – I wouldn’t compliment a stranger.) I wouldn’t ask what it meant unless I knew that person pretty well. But, tattooed people, is that wrong? Should I not even comment? I definitely don’t want to be invasive.
That seems safe to me, honestly. Especially if it’s someone you know!
I’m always happy with compliments, but agree questions about meaning, symbolism etc are a bit much. I reckon anyone close enough to me to be reasonably asking that would already know.
Totally reasonable to me! I only have one tattoo and it’s meaning isn’t at all private, though, so I am potentially not a true representative of “tattooed people”!
I generally appreciate it when people compliment my tattoos and don’t even mind when people/strangers ask me to roll up my sleeve briefly so they can see the whole design (that might not be universal, though. I’m also a guy and I suspect tattooed women’s interactions are creepier/more aggressive). I don’t even mind talking about them if you seem actually interested, although I tend to be wary because I have had a lot of conversations where people are either obviously not interested or actively measuring my response against some meaningfulness criteria they just established in their head. In that sense I think its like every other conversation: If you’re nice and genuinely curious, people will be happy to talk to you.
Just please don’t grab my arm and twist it so you can see my tattoos better.
I love getting compliments, although as kodama said, asking someone to roll up their sleeve or something is not a great idea. I’m also open to questions about where I got it, because that’s about the art, not about me, but questions about what it means (a) are personal and (b) not all tattoos Mean Something, and they don’t have to. Sometimes they’re just art, and sometimes they’re meaningful art.
I have a bunch of tattoos and I’ve got no problem with people asking about them (NO TOUCHING THOUGH, JEEZ!)
I have also asked strangers where they got their tattoos if they’re particularly beautiful, but only in the interest of finding a great artist in a new town, not the backstory.
I don’t think if you choose to display part of your history on your body, you can be too precious about people mentioning it, (within reason, of course).
I feel like this is a pretty common attitude but one that I don’t really agree with. The assumption being that if you put something on your body in a place that’s visible, your end goal must be to show it to the world at large. My tattoos, regardless of where they are on my body, are for me and not for anyone else. It doesn’t help that I’m a rather shy person who doesn’t enjoy talking to strangers much in the first place. Somehow it just never occurred to me before I started getting tattoos that strangers would feel ok taking the liberty of commenting on this aspect of my body and demanding to know things about it. It always feels invasive to me, even though I know that’s not always the intention.
I have tattoos. A lot of them, and some very visible ones. None are as explicitly personal as LW2’s, but I personally really like your suggestion of “It’s a long personal story” (in so many words.) If the asker persists, they’re an asshole.
I don’t really mind talking about my tattoos if asked – though I find a “I really like your tattoo!” goes a lot further as a conversation starter than “oh cool, what does it mean?” because sometimes they don’t mean anything. They’re just pretty or personal or a combination of the two. It also depends on the tone – if you genuinely sound curious or interested, I’m much more inclined to talk about what they are, if they mean anything to me or are purely aesthetic, or what vs. a comment that you know will be followed up with “but you’re so pretty, why did you have to go and ruin yourself like that” (GRANDMA).
GRANDMA, argh.
But yeah, co-signing to all the excellent advice here. I have one tattoo that I finally gave up trying to explain to people who don’t already know the meaning of it, and just go with “it’s a dwarf rune from my favorite fantasy book.”
**ETA: tried to add a link but Intense Debate is borking my a hrefs.
The first time I met one of my friends, she pointed at my Deathly Hallows tattoo and said, “Do you really like geometry or something?” When I explained that it was a Harry Potter tattoo, she paused and then said, “You should probably just tell people you really like geometry.”
It was a long time before I was inclined to try to be friends with that person.
Ultimately, I think most people with tattoos understand that if it’s visible, they’ll probably be asked about it, so I don’t think it’s outright rude to ask about someone’s body art. Phrasing it as, “can I ask you about your tattoo?” (rather than a variation of “what is that?” and pointing) gives the person an automatic out. The most important thing, in my opinion, is that if you have anything remotely negative to say about someone’s permanent ink, definitely don’t bring it up in the first place.
When I explained that it was a Harry Potter tattoo, she paused and then said, “You should probably just tell people you really like geometry.”
I’m trying to figure out how this advice makes sense! People might think you’re a nerd for liking Harry Potter so…you should tell them you like geometry? People won’t get Harry Potter references but they will totally get this geometry reference? I DON’T KNOOOOOW
I’m probably wrong, but is that Stockard Channing? And what is it from because I want to watch a thing with outfits like that.
I believe it is Elizabeth Taylor in Cleopatra.
I never realized until now that Stockard Channing looks like Elizabeth Taylor.
I hadn’t noticed it either, until you mentioned it. WOW!
I don’t know, I feel like “can I ask you about your tattoo?” isn’t any better than just outright asking. It’s just as awkward (if not more so) to reply “no, you can’t” to that question as it is to brush off whatever you would have asked in the first place.
And who among us hasn’t considered getting the deathly hallows as a tattoo anyway? This friend does not sound like our kind of people at all. 🙂
I know a guy with one. It’s just lovely, on his inner arm. Delicate and delightful.
she should be so embarrassed she did not know it was HP!
upon getting my first visible tattoos, i was unprepared for the amount of strangers who would constantly remark upon them or ask about their meanings. even though my tattoos are just like…decorative flowers. i find it rather obnoxious, and frankly think it would be fine to say whatever the fuck you want to such questions, including “it’s personal” or “it’s a long story.” if they don’t know enough to back off after that, then who even cares if you offend them with a solid “none of your business, friend.”
i always fantasized about making up some really ghoulish, horrible, unpleasant, awkward backstory on my tattoos to teach everyone a lesson about asking dumb personal questions, but i never have the guts to follow through with it.
I have done this! I have a visible tattoo (an anchor) that has very personal meaning to me. I have several made-up meanings to share with nosy gawkers. When I’m feeling particularly nasty (usually this has to do with a drunk dude in a bar) I tell them it’s for someone (my mother? WHY NOT) who drowned in a horrific boating accident.
I’ve often had that same thought about my visible birthmark, which everyone thinks is a scar. People always ask me “what HAPPENED to you?” and I say “um… I was born…” and fantasize about telling them a really grisly car-wreck story.
I have a 5-or-so-inch long scar along my bicep, and the arm is a bit misshapen, but I don’t have a good story that goes with it (basically, the story is, it turns out I did not have cancer), and the number of times I’ve been asked about it is ridiculous, and it generally makes me uncomfortable, because it’s always, always complete strangers.
Sometimes, when I’m feeling particularly pissed off about it, I just say “shark attack”, and stare at them until they go away.
Oh Jesus the bedbugs.
Your friends will be forever grateful if you are open and up front with your possible brush with the dreaded bedbugs.
A former friend of mine had a home that was quite literally infested. She hosted a dinner party and guess what I brought home with me?
At no point did she mention she had them until after I told her I had picked them up somewhere.
It completely ruined our friendship (nearly a decade long!) as I felt I could no longer trust her at all. If she had informed me I would have been able to take steps to minimize the transference of the bugs to my home.
Luckily I was able to rid myself of the tiny horrors but our friendship never recovered.
I feel like it’s a good rule to just not ever ask “What does your tattoo mean?” and certainly not “Does it mean anything?” I mean, if you’re close friends with a person you will probably already know if they’ll be okay sharing that information with you. They will probably also share without your asking, because they have just sunk a certain amount of time, money, and pain in the image and may well be excited to talk about it. Anything less, though, and you’re prying.
But I agree with Ms. Proprietypants in that you owe no one the information and can tell them whatever you want. My largest and most-asked-about tattoos are based on a poem and a painting, respectively, so I usually say “it’s based on a poem/painting” and leave it that. Sometimes I say, “That is a personal question” and change the subject. (If no other subject is handy, I might say “That’s a personal question, but I can tell you who did the artwork” because I love promoting the artists who made these beautiful images.) You could say something mysterious like “To help me remember something I don’t want to forget.” Pressing you further would pretty rude and well-deserving of a cold “That’s personal.” Or, you know, you could lie. It’s no one’s business.
As someone with tattoos that people ask about frequently, I will compliment someone on their tattoo, but I will not ask about it unless we are very good friends. I have no problem with people saying my tattoos look nice, but I do take issue with people who ask questions, won’t take “it’s a long story” for an answer, and then who have no real interest in listening to a longer explanation.
I have a few personal (and large) tattoos but as a tattoo-haver, I do disagree a bit. I think that tattoos in very visible places are not off-limits for inquiry. You can still decline to discuss, but I don’t think that it’s overstepping for people to be curious. In my just one person’s opinion, very private tattoos are better placed in more private parts of the body.
I can imagine quite a few reasons why a person would want a tattoo with personal meaning on a not-private part of the body, though. Tattoo placement is always a negotiation with the pain levels, durability (will it stretch as I get older and fatter?), cultural and private connotations of different body parts.
I also feel–and this comment is not directed only at you but the thread in general–like there is a world of difference between commenting on a tattoo and inquiring about it. Sure, I put a giant colorful tattoo on my shoulder and I’m always happy to accept comments and compliments on its behalf when it’s tank top weather, but it’s still pretty presumptuous to ask what it means.
I hear that, but I guess. . .I kinda feel like visibility is one of those many things people negotiate when deciding on a tattoo, because they know that people are going to ask? I doubt that it will ever be considered common etiquette that asking about a tattoo= rude, so I don’t think it’s that unreasonable that people assume if you’ve decided to get a visible tattoo you aren’t super private about it. I personally like being asked about mine, so it’s the sort of thing that people are going to be getting mixed cues from different people about. I do default to only giving compliments because I know many people feel that it’s rude to ask, but. . .idk. I’m not sure I think it’s fair to call it presumptuous.
There’s not a great analogy for tattoos, but let’s try haircuts: another aesthetic choice in which you negotiate private motivations with public perceptions. If I cut my long hair short, or start wearing bobby pins to keep it back, or I start dying it nontraditional colors or style in a way that does not conform to my presented gender or whatever, it’s out there for people to see. It’s part of my style. But is it not rude for acquaintances or strangers to ask “So what’s with your hair? Does it mean something” or “Are you trying to make a statement?” or “explain to me why you did that.”
I think so, and tattoos have as much or more potential for carrying personal or complicated meanings, so that’s where I’m coming from.
I was thinking a tattoo might be more like a tshirt with a certain design or statement or the name of a band or Edgar Allen Poe’s face, and people might ask you “Who’s that on your shirt?” or “What does your shirt say? Is that a band?” Especially if they are words, because words are meant to be read and are meant to communicate (usually.)
But I agree with the first comment poster who advised against commenting on anything that was changed or decided on more than a week ago. That’s a wise idea.
Having been at the receiving end of a LOT of kinds of “So what does that mean?” questions (non-standard-Anglo name, visible tattoos including one in Greek, arcane t-shirts, etc) I can pretty much say that categorically, it is not a good question to ask me, ever.
“Is that a family name?” “That’s really cool art–how did you find it?” “I’m not familiar with that insignia, but it’s gorgeous!” are all better starters for the conversation. eta: “Can I ask about ______?” and then respecting the answer, also good.
Not good: “Did your parents come up with that name as a practical joke?”
“Yes, they did – our family is known for our powerful roundhouse kicks, and they gave me a weird name so I would know how to pick my victims. HEEEE-YAHHHHHHH!”
This is going to be off-topic but LW2 made me think about it and I just have to share this insanity.
My dad passed away a few years ago. Since its been a while its less on my mind, and less in my words. But every once in a while I mention it. Just last week someone asked me how he died. I told them because I don’t like hiding that it was suicide, but then this person asked how he did it! Luckily a friend stepped in saying I didn’t need to respond because I was flabbergasted.
All the great advice given to LW2 works in my case, and I promise if I encounter this again I will use it!
Oh my god, that is horrendously rude. I think “I am flabbergasted by how rude that question is” would suffice. I mean, my ex-boyfriend committed suicide and I don’t know how he did it, because I am not going to ask his mother or other family members to relive that again.
I am sorry about your dad and that someone thought that question was in any way appropriate.
You’re a strong woman! I’m sorry for your loss.
I was pretty blindsided by the question but I think I’m prepared if it ever happens again.
Oh my god that is so fucked up. I’m so sorry.
LW2 here, and my friend committed suicide, so I get what you mean. That is part of the issue really, it’s not that people comment on my tattoo (it’s on my wrist, they can see it, that’s fine!) it’s that if I say it’s in memory of a friend, they often ask how they died, and if I say suicide more than you’d like to think have asked how she died. I know how, but it’s not an easy subject to talk about, and a freakishly weird question to ask.
I will use the it’s a long personal story! That was great advice
Oh my god, the only question I hate more than “How did they die?” was “Did they leave a note?” COME ON, PEOPLE.
I like when people ask about my tattoo! I got it in a visible place because I think it’s cool and I like talking to people about it! Mine also has layers and is also related to personal grief, but it’s a hebrew word so I can range from just telling people the translation to explaining it’s entire significance to me.
When it comes to other people’s tattoos, I tend to say “I like your tattoo” and only ask for details if they seem enthused about talking about it, but overall I don’t think it’s rude to ask about something that someone has publicly displayed on themselves, as long as you aren’t pushy about it.
I have a date tattooed in a visible place, and I frequently get questions about it. I have found that the vast majority of people assume the worst about it (actual comment I received: “Is that the date your baby died?” I don’t even have/have never had a baby!) Anywho, I kind of get LW2’s reluctance, because people obviously know that it’s a tattoo with personal meaning because of the nature of it, and I feel like sometimes people just want to gawk at the tragedy in others’ lives. (My tattoo is the day I met my now-spouse, btw! Totally not tragic!)
IS THAT THE DATE YOUR BABY DIED
WHAT IS WRONG WITH HUMANITY WHY WOULD ANYONE ASK YOU THAT
OH GOD, you just reminded me that in college I used to have this Maori fish hook necklace, and a customer at the deli where I worked asked me if it was part of the umbilical cord from my infant child.
????
WHAT EVEN.
I did ask someone what their date tattoo meant, and then immediately regretted it and have never done so again, because the answer “That’s the day my mother died” isn’t really a comfortable one for anyone. Fortunately they were very chill about it and didn’t seem super upset, but yikes, not doing that again.
I have quite a few tattoos and I am perfectly A-OK with people complimenting them and making quick comments without expecting me to give a dissertation while I’m in the grocery store check-out line.
Don’t:
Make negative comments
Ask me how much they cost (unless you are actually planning on a tattoo and we’re talking artist rates)
Ask “what does it mean????”
Continue pressing after I’ve answered “what does it mean???”
Touch me.
Twist my arm so you can get a better look.
Tell me I’ll regret it someday.
Ask me lots of questions about my tattoos while I am at work and you are my customer.
Ask me to translate my tattoo that is in a language you don’t speak.
I’m happy to talk about my tattoos with my friends, but it can be exhausting to be interrogated about them by strangers at inconvenient times.
Oh god, yeah, PLEASE DON’T TOUCH MY TATTOOS UNLESS I EXPLICITLY GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO. That has only happened a handful of times, most memorable when I was in Disney World and some random woman just straight up smoothed her hand over the wings on my back. WHAT? WHY? They don’t feel any different, if that’s what you’re asking/implying?
Of course, “don’t touch strangers” should be good general advice but 😐 😐
& I agree, asking about cost is only okay in the context of “I am looking to get one of a comparable size/complexity, how much should I anticipate paying.”
“What did that cost” “Any sort of relationship with my mother and being able to have a Jewish burial.”
(I know that’s not actually the case. I don’t want to be buried anyway.)
Though given the location, if you can see it, you probably have a bit of leeway for asking questions.
I am a v awkward person and generally if I notice/am intrigued by someone’s tattoo I’ll say something along the lines of “I like your tattoo, do you mind if I ask what it means?” (if the meaning isn’t immediately obvious). I like to think I’m not pressuring them to discuss it? But that could make them feel weird if they have to say “Yes, I do mind”…idk, this thread is showing me that I should probably be more sensitive to these things. I am VERY EXCITED ABOUT TATTOOS ALWAYS and constantly want to show mine to everybody (which involves much yanking up of shirts) and I think I forget not everyone is as excited to share their tattoos with the world.
Also, experiencing legit anxiety about the bedbugs question. Creeping, visceral, anxiety. I have never experienced bedbugs, but my house had fleas last year and I feel like I did nothing but cry for a month.
Maybe asking “Are you interested in talking about it?” would be an easier question? That way they can volunteer the meaning if they want but you have avoided asking for anything but permission to discuss further 🙂
Hmm, I guess personally I don’t think it would be that rude to ask someone details about their haircut, necessarily. “Are you trying to make a statement” sounds rude, but I don’t think “what inspired you to go for that style?” is, as long as you’re being complimentary and back off if they don’t seem excited to talk about it.
I’m not arguing against being sensitive about this, like I said I don’t ask unless someone seems excited to talk about it– I think I’m saying that while it’s fine to encourage people to not ask about tattoos because they might be sensitive topics, it’s not fair to be annoyed with someone for asking when it’s not particularly established etiquette that it’s rude to do so.
Echo to all of these “Can I ask about your tattoo?” and “Do you mind telling me about that gorgeous art on your [visible body part]?” suggestions! Want to add that one time I think it’s NEVER okay to ask, even politely, is if you see a not-usually-visible tattoo for the first time because you’re about to get sexy with someone, and they are undressing. Even if you ask and they decline politely, just don’t run the risk of putting sad thoughts in a new partner’s head right at that moment. It’s an understandable question in a moment that SEEMS intimate, but save it for breakfast the next morning.
Yes yes yes yes, this is exactly right. Co-signing as a person with exclusively not-usually-visible tattoos.
I have two tattoos. One is a flower on my upper right arm. I’ll happily explain what kind of flower it is (a gladiolus) but I usually decline to go into its meaning, because it’s intensely personal. Not many people ask why I have a flower on my arm, because flowers.
The other is Euler’s Identity, which is to say it’s a short mathematical equation. I get asked about that one a lot, and I love explaining it, because I love math! Math is awesome. (I’m studying to be a social worker, go figure.) Once a couple sitting behind me at a baseball game had a bet riding on my ink. I believe the gentleman won.
I’m planning to get a line from a Beatles song next, followed by more flowers.
I have a tattoo on the back of my shoulder. It’s personal, and sometimes I wish I had had it done in a place where I could see it more often, like my wrist or on the front of my shoulder. It’s pretty, and sometimes (if I’m not wearing sleeves) people comment, but they don’t *ask* about it. I work with little kids, though, and they *do* ask. Usually I just tell them, “It reminds me to be hopeful,” and they are happy with that answer. I’m not sure if that line would work the same with adults, or not…
I wonder, for people who have dates or initials in memory of someone who died, if it would work at all to say, “It’s a memorial.” I would hope that at least for most people, that would be a cue that it’s personal territory.
I thought the comments about reactions from “grandma” were funny – because now that so many people in their 20s-40s have ink, in another generation or so, people will be able to say, “Oh, this flower? It was my grandmother’s – she had the same one on her ankle.”
Judging by the responses being reported in this thread, telling an adult* that it reminds you to be hopeful would just elicit gems like ‘hopeful for what?’ and ‘why aren’t you hopeful already?’ and ‘did your baby die, is that why you aren’t hopeful?’
*confirmation of adulthood withheld until responses can be judged.
I love the idea of a tattoo being handed down through the generations – each person getting the same image or a variation on it somewhere on their body. Imagine this happening with the tattoos that originally didn’t mean anything and were just chosen to be pretty!
My mom has a crescent moon on her ear. I have a star in the same place. 🙂
Why don’t you tell people that the tattoo was a membership emblem in a secret squad of teenage mystics defending the Earth from evil? The letters symbolized your magical code name and used to glow, except now you’ve passed the power and responsibility onto a new generation so it’s just a regular tattoo.
That makes me horribly depressed given the truth.
My tattoos are not in English, and they are easy for me to see which means they’re easy for others to see. Today, after a pointed, lengthy, awkward silence, I explained what they meant superficially (the actual direct word translation) without going into the meaning for me. It’s a verb. “It would be more useful if it was in English,” was the response I received, which. 1.6 billion people speak what my tattoo is in.
I have, in the past, cheerfully explained my tattoos. But now I think lengthy silence with no explanation is the way to go. Unless they ask in the appropriate language.
I don’t ask about others’ tattoos unless they’re close friends, though I will compliment the tattoos of strangers.
USEFUL!???!
To you, the random stranger gazing at my body? I’m so sorry I didn’t think of that when I chose to etch a word into my very skin. I was under the impression its use was mine alone.
Just, what.
I have a small red ribbon (HIV/AIDS awareness) tattooed on the inside of my wrist. It’s amazing how many strangers, mistaking it for pink (breast cancer), have approached me and immediately launched into stories about their friend/sister/aunt who had breast cancer. It’s usually very touching and often sad, but *so* awkward. (I often don’t correct them on the color, just nod and express my condolences.)
Otherwise, with my other, larger tattoos, I agree with many others who have commented– I appreciate (non-creepy) compliments, but if I want to talk about the meaning, I’ll probably volunteer that information myself.
In the tattoo-haver’s position here, I would totally lie. If you don’t want to talk about friendship or death, don’t. I feel like saying “I don’t want to talk about it” is something that, sadly, makes people extra curious. Can you tell a white lie you are comfortable with? I don’t think it is disrespectful to your friend’s memory to take care of your own well-being.
Eww, if someone tries to touch your tattoo, you should tell them you have bedbugs.
As someone with a few visible tattoos, I’m in the same camp as a lot of previous comments, I’ve found that I enjoy general compliments, and since I enjoy the compliment I usually give the same quick “Hey, I really like your tattoo” to others with ink and leave it at that. But I’ve also talked about them a little more in depth with people fairly close to me and gotten awkward responses from them, so I think it really boils down to what you’re comfortable with and how you read the person asking you. Some of your closest friends might still just not GET tattoos. It’s totally within your power to give a non-response like “Oh, it’s just a design that really spoke to me” and leave them with that. Shrug and smile if anyone pushes for more, that usually ends the conversation if you don’t want to have it. Tattoos should be a “to each, their own” kind of thing.
I have a literal arm full of tattoos I got after my ex girlfriend died six and a half years ago. The one on my forearm is very colorful and bold, so I get questions about it a lot. Depending on the person asking, I say either “oh, it’s from a poem” or “it’s from a poem my ex girlfriend wrote to me before she died.” I’m totally fine with lying about them or leaving things super vague and I definitely never volunteer information beyond who the tattoo artist is if someone just compliments me. Ask whatever, but I’m not obligated to tell you the truth or even be nice about it if you’re being particularly nosy.
However, I reserve the right to slap the shit out of you if you grab my arm. That goes triple for that asshole who grabbed my wrist the day after getting four hours of work done on my forearm, when it was so swollen that the inside of my wrist was completely smooth. Fuck that guy forever.
My tat is on my wrist and also in memory of someone lost to suicide, and I have no qualms saying it’s a “memorial”. Or discussing it further if people ask questions. I’m not worrying about being “reminded” of the death, because 13 years later I’m still never not reminded.
I have only one tattoo on my back, so it’s not always visible, so I don’t get asked a lot, but I also don’t mind (it has a much happier story than the LW’s, though). When I am dying to ask about tattoos belonging to people I don’t know, I usually start with a compliment, i.e. “That’s so beautiful/interesting/I love the colors/etc” and then I go from there based on their reaction. If it’s “Thanks! I got it when XYZ happened, and the artist is so and so, and let me tell you about the meaning,” great! If it’s “Thanks,” especially without a smile, then it’s probably time to move on.
I don't think demands are ever ok, regardless of the relationship or topic. Obviously context is important. A close friend asking and a total stranger pushily demanding an explanation are totally different things. If someone is going to act entitled to information and rude, they're going to do it about your haircut, your tattoo, the length of your skirt or choice of footware. Jerk people are jerks, they don't need an excuse.
And yeah, if you put something on a visible part of your body that you expose, you are choosing to expose it to the world at large whether that's you'r end goal or not. You're not necessarily inviting comment on it, and I totally get you might not want to talk about it. If a stranger asks me what mine means, I just say "Nothing". If they say "Hey, nice tatt!" I say "Thanks!" End of conversation. You don't have to indulge rude people and I think people who just give a polite compliment without expecting info about it are cool and I wish there were more of them.
Bedbugs are a plague, and when my neighbor had them my mother briefly disowned me. I took no visitors who were unable to take off all their clothes at the door. It was a fun time!
My bedbug summer aside, I have a PSA. Do not put your coats and bags on any bed, ever. Especially hotel beds. But also don’t host parties and throw all the purses etc. in your bedroom. Find a closet or a rack for that stuff. People will get crazy and suspicious about bedbugs, and then fail to take the most basic and useful precaution, providing convenient bed-to-bed transportation for tiny monsters that want to torture us. Luggage stands, my friends!
I've often had that same thought about my visible birthmark, which everyone thinks is a scar. People always ask me "what HAPPENED to you?" and I say "um… I was born…" and fantasize about telling them a really grisly car-wreck story.
Generally if I see a neat tattoo on someone else, I say “Cool tattoo!” (or a differently-worded compliment) and allow them to either just say “thanks” or to elaborate as they wish. I prefer that response myself, or if people say “Can I ask you what it means?”
What I would LOVE if people would STOP doing? Grabbing me to get a better look at my tattoos. If I want to show you, I will. Don’t ever touch a tattooed person without their permission just because you want a better look at their ink.
(Don’t ever touch someone without their permission. Period.)
Generally if I see a neat tattoo on someone else, I say "Cool tattoo!" (or a differently-worded compliment) and allow them to either just say "thanks" or to elaborate as they wish. I prefer that response myself, or if people say "Can I ask you what it means?"
What I would LOVE if people would STOP doing? Grabbing me to get a better look at my tattoos. If I want to show you, I will. Don't ever touch a tattooed person without their permission just because you want a better look at their ink.
(Don't ever touch someone without their permission. Period.)
I don’t have any really personal tattoos but some people can make anything awkward.
Guy: So what’s your tattoo mean?
Me: Well, it’s a cross, and I’m a Christian.
Guy: So what does that mean to you?
Me: Well, the crucifixion is a pretty important part of Christianity… ?
Someone above mentioned the “is that supposed to be some kind of statement?” comment on haircuts etc – reminded me that I actually had someone (a distant “friend”/acquaintance) ask me that about my self-harm scars. Rude, rude, rude!
I also had a lady ask me about my tattoo in French class (an adult class) when the teacher was speaking. I sort of smiled and shook my head, trying to listen, and she asked again and again until everyone was looking at us – until I felt like the only possible thing to do was explain, in brief, and in another language about the symbolism of this private thing… And I usually don’t mind explaining – I knew people would ask and never expected it to be a big deal… But sometimes the way people ask just makes you want to go “you are actually the last person I want to tell..!
For the tattoo, if you don't want to get into it at all, what about just "It's got personal meaning"? (With optional "thanks" in front if they complimented the tattoo and you feel like it.) That is, to my mind, a friendly polite way to signal "It's a long story that I don't actually want to go into."
And if someone is so rude as to press after that for more meaning, you can just repeat yourself, with increasingly less warmth.
Person: "Nice tattoo!"
You: "Oh, thanks."
Person: "What does it mean?"
You: "It's got personal meaning to me."
Person: "Oh, that's so nice. What kind of personal meaning? Are those someone's initials?"
You: "It's personal to me. So, about that subject change."
Person: "No, but really, what's the story there?"
You, icily: "It's personal. ANYWAY, SUBJECT CHANGE." (Or: "It's personal, and I don't want to go into it." "It's personal, and I don't like to talk about it." "It's personal. Let's talk about something else.")
Obviously I hope no one would be so rude as to pursue that, but if they do, you are well within your rights to start being blunt about not wanting to go into it. Either they're running over your soft boundaries and need to have some boundaries clanged shut in their (metaphorical) face, or they're genuinely oblivious to the subtext and will appreciate the directness.
I generally live under the assumption that if I put a tattoo on my body that people can see, I have agreed to answer questions about it. If I didn’t want to talk about my body art, I should have gotten it somewhere private. Do I sometimes wish I didn’t have my dead son’s name on my arm? Yes, I guess, mostly because people end up feeling terrible when they ask me who that is. But when he died, I never wanted him to fade from my memory or anyone else’s. So I smile kinda sadly and say, “He was my son. Look, these ones here are my daughters,” and move on. Sometimes they ask more, sometimes they don’t. It’s life. Nothing’s perfect. There’s no right or wrong expectation for me to have, and there’s really no right or wrong way for someone to react. We make our decisions and we can’t control how people behave. I’ve been through a lot more life (joy and pain) than I ever expected to, and whether or not someone asks me about a tattoo is like not a big deal, you know?