Arrêtez! Pour nous, c’est nécessaire la écriture féminine, sans sobriquets. Par exemple, mon état est soi-disant: je ne regrette rien. Au gratin est vrai un décolleté incroyable, tourjours pour le chien. Au contraire, laissez le bon temps rouler tout de suite a la bon marché. Avec un enfant terrible, que est tableaux vivants et cartes de visites.
Vraiment, mon raison d’être est la rive gauche en masse, un tour de force de sang-froid et objets trouvés. Psycho Killer, qu’est que c’est? Ce que j’ai fais, ce soir la. Mais non, d’accord, c’est moi quelque chose à cherchez la femme jolie laide, en l’esprit de l’escalier. Quelle dommage!
Un nom de guerre peut être un nouvelle vague de baguette, pratiquement une bête noire, vis-à-vis la mise en scene du jour. En fin de siècle, les ménages à trois s’avère être un fait accompli, avec savoir-faire. Finalement, ceci n’est pas une pipe.
Au contraire, mon frère – naturellement, après moi est la deluge, et la coup de grâce en réalité est une faux pas a la flambé. Le chignon d’importance fait des accusations de ‘le petite mort,’ à propos du l’dénoument obtenez vous avec un crème brûlée ou un trompe-l’œil boutonnière.
Mais toute quaintrelle d’un homage au jambon ou autre hors d’oeuvre est prédisposée à la nostalgie de la boue, mais non sans aperitif et eau de cologne au naturel. Je ne sais porquoi le week-end est une cause célèbre (similaire à ‘Object petit a’ de Lacan), a l’intertextualité est un agent provocateur de la jouissance dans le milieu soigné.
Et voilà – dans les mots immortels de Miss Piggy, en tête-à-tête à son garçon: “Kermie!” N’oubliez pas, mon amour : plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose. C’est la vie – cela fait-il le mot juste, ou l’double entendre? Entre nous, voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir? A bien sûr, excuuuuuuuuuuusez-moi!
llustrator: Esther C. Werdiger writes, draws, and podcasts in New York. She’s not quitting her day job, because that’s how she has her visa.
Tags: advice, esther werdiger, french, french is the easiest language in the world, lily m hudson, see you already know it, you’ll go far
This is everyone’s High School French nightmare, except there was no pop quiz at the end.
As a former French teacher, this is really everyone’s nightmare.
I think this is the right place to post some Mark Twain Franglais from The Innocents Abroad:
PARIS, le 7 Juillet. Monsieur le Landlord–Sir: Pourquoi don’t you mettez some savon in your bed-chambers? Est-ce que vous pensez I will steal it? La nuit passee you charged me pour deux chandelles when I only had one; hier vous avez charged me avec glace when I had none at all; tout les jours you are coming some fresh game or other on me, mais vous ne pouvez pas play this savon dodge on me twice. Savon is a necessary de la vie to any body but a Frenchman, et je l’aurai hors de cet hotel or make trouble. You hear me. Allons.
I think that as a British person I am honour bound to fill this comment thread with anti-french sentiment.
So, consider that done.
As an Anglo-Canadian, I am honour-bound to fill this comment thread with anti-Quebecois sentiment. Let us sit together, failing to look good in little scarves and getting crumbs all over our wrinkly pants.
As the spouse of a French person it is my duty to inform you both that she is ignoring you in a fabulous scarf.
Has she read Rosecrans Baldwin’s “Paris I Love You But You’re Bringing Me Down”? Have you? Do it.
I read an excerpt! I think I might buy it when I get paid, it’s been on the wishlist for a while.
Related anecdote: we watched Intouchables last night (which is finally on Netflix) and she was telling me about where Dunkirk is and I was like “uh I know where Dunkirk is dear” and she was like “Really? Why?”
No regard for us Anglo-Saxons at all.
That is the best. That is amazingly hysterical.
Here, let’s look utterly un-put-together and slobby and talk quietly about common-place things and stand patiently in queues.
I took a French for Reading Knowledge class in grad school, and the grad lecturer informed us all that he learned French from his Quebecois family so his pronunciation wasn’t “correct.” The entire class just stared blankly at him because it wasn’t like we had ANY idea what the difference was.
This reminded me of all the Italian kids that took Italian with me because they figured they’d get an easy ride, but they kept getting low marks because they spoke (and answered in) dialect instead of “standard” Italian.
A friend in high school did the same but with German. She lived there until she was six, and spoke it fluently. Then she failed the first test she took, and we all laughed.
I was taught french throughout my education (We weren’t taught it in Primary School officially but my parents made me take an extra course) from a woman who had lived 15 years in france. I suspect my pronounciation would still make a french person cringe.
France French sounds smooth and sophisticated. Quebecois French sounds like every sentence should be accompanied by a rude gesture. (Anglophone Canadian here – I tease because I love)
But seriously, Psycho Killer: qu’est que c’est?
BA BA BA BA BA, BA BA BA BA BA
Just for fun, I ran this through Google Translate. My favorite part was “Psycho Killer, what is it?”
J’accuse…!
J’accuse, mon petit fromage!
Um… Bonjour?
C’est magnifique.
Je suis la jeune fille.
…au revoir!
Now I’m looking forward to Texas Toast. Yeehaw!
Pamplemousse! Ananas! Jus d’orange! Boeuf! Soup du jour! Le camembert! Jacque Cousteau!
♪♪ foux de fa fa~
foux de fa fa fa ♪♪
ps i♥u
I came in SPECIFICALLY to post this. Phew!
(foux de fa fa)
oh hoh hoh hoh__see, I can speak French too.
No, the most important words are of course baguette and brie. I don’t really need any others.
Oh also crème brûlée obviously
hors d’oeuvres
ménage à trois
I had a housemate who kept mixing up ‘je ne sais quoi’ with the second item on your list.
Things thus had ‘a certain ménage à trois,’ which was endlessly hilarious.
Ha! That’s great.
You never corrected him/her, right? Because I wouldn’t.
Fantastic! I’m going to start saying that immediately, and as I do actually speak French people will think I mean it.
no champagne to go with your fromage?
SOME of us took Spanish and would like to have this explained to us VERY PATIENTLY.
R&RKD: “Perhaps, but that’s the only French you know.”
C: “I also know fromage!”
R&RKD: “Uh huh, use it in a sentence.”
C: “Voulez-vous coucher avec fromage ce soir!”
The answer to that question is yes.
travailler sur mon fromage de nuit
Essayer de perdre ces blues de fromages maladroits?
OMG perfect.
I am very proud to have been illustrated by Esther Werdiger. That first drawing looks exactly like me.
Yay French puke! Glad you liked them x
Puis-je sauter ma Pimple sur votre lasagne?
Wow! Comment avez-vous un oignon là-dedans?
Je voudrais un vin rouge. BOOM – that’s all the French ya need.
(Its all the French I know)
Vin ordinaire BAM – the problem with the French is they don’t have a word for entrepreneur. Touche, cliché.
WHY does Chrome not automatically offer to translate????
#firstworldproblems
“la femme jolie laide”
Les poissons, les poissons… hi hi hi hon hon hon.
You guys I just started French Rosetta Stone this week. I’ve barely completed Unit 1, Lesson 1. ALL I UNDERSTOOD WAS THE WORD “DOG”.
Non non non! Une demi de mon travaille est en francais, et je refuse completement de lire la langue quand je prends une petite pause! Je sais que Nicole est Canadien, mais seulment anglais ici!!! Ma tête va exploser!
TABERNAC!
I read this on my phone while I was half-asleep, which just made it more confusing. But I love it! It’s crazy to see all of our borrow words in one place.
Also, if one more person references my speaking French/going to France by saying “voulez-vous coucher avec moi?” (hint, don’t say this to your niece) or “Uhh, bonjour!” at me, I am not responsible for my actions. Especially because my brain automatically starts switching into French when I hear French and then I get completely tongue-tied while they stand there smirking proudly.
Can we also get an audio file of a man’s voice reading this post? Asking for a friend.
Preferably Samuel L. Jackson?
The idea of someone saying “Au contraire, mon frere” in a serious, essay-reading voice, as in “Conversely, some say the real cause of McCarthyism was…” is cracking me up. Chapeau!
tu parles francais comme une vache espagnole!
Dur dur d'être bébé…
A friend in high school did the same but with German. She lived there until she was six, and spoke it fluently. Then she failed the first test she took, and we all laughed.
This is not a pipe. Everyone remember that.
This is not a pipe. Everyone remember that.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpE3q5kaf1o