Toasties. Happy Friday. Be well. Talk to each other. Kindly. Stay warm and be cool. Cheers!
Tags: cocktail hour, meta, open thread, the bartender
Toasties. Happy Friday. Be well. Talk to each other. Kindly. Stay warm and be cool. Cheers!
Tags: cocktail hour, meta, open thread, the bartender
I have been waiting for this thread all day!
GUYS. I quit my job this week. Not leaving until April but still. AHHHHHHH.
!!!
What’s next for you?
A LOT OF ANXIETY? Still figuring it out.
WOOO!!
Congrats!
Woohoo!!
Congratulations!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[takes a breath]
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
Well done!
I’m so excited for you and I’m so glad yours is the first comment. 🙂
I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU AND WISH I COULD JOIN YOU!
WOOO
BREAK OUT THE CHAMPAGNE
YES YOU!
Happy Valentines to all the lovely Toasties out there!
I keep having increasingly vivid dreams about getting a tattoo – any stories (good or bad) from Toasties with tattoo experiences? The thing I’m most scared of is the permanency – what if I don’t like it? I’ve got a bunch of piercings, but those are much easier to change your mind about.
Also, here’s the Minneapolis Toast Meetup group link again! I promise I’ll get my act together soon and we’ll meet in person. 🙂 https://www.facebook.com/groups/530207480428344/
do it! People always say, “but what about when you’re old and your skin sags?” but OLD PEOPLE WITH TATTOOS ARE AWESOME.
Yeah I assume that when I’m old my skin is going to look dumb anyway. It may as well be dumb but WITH awesome tattoos.
I got mine a few years ago – mid-back, not super-big. Apparently it’s a somewhat painful spot, but I did okay. I really want another, but keep going back and forth on location and size and all that fun stuff. This is what the current one looks like – the picture’s a bit stretched, but still.
http://imgur.com/qRqtXHR
I’ve thought about between my shoulder blades, but I kind of want to be able to see it everyday. I also don’t want everyone else to see it every day.
I have three. I love one, I am mostly indifferent to one, and I sometimes regret the most visible one even though it’s beautiful. None of them were overly painful, although I definitely do better with bony areas than with fleshy ones.
I think it’s significant that the one I love is the one that I wanted the longest and the one that means the most to me. The one I regret sometimes is the one I got more or less on a whim (I mean, there was a three-month wait between the whim and the actual appointment, because good artists tend to be booked up, but still) and the one that doesn’t mean anything at all. So if you’re worried about permanency, I would say wait at least a year between idea and execution.
I have 3, 2 on my shoulders, one on my left leg. For the back ones, they’re tribals and were done before appropriation made itself aware as a bad thing in my head, and big, so a coverup is going to be nastily expensive.
The leg one is cool, custom steampunk pinup art, though only when I was getting it done did I realize that I have a bit of nerve damage in that leg that made it hurt like hell. I still haven’t gotten her colored in, because I don’t know if I can manage to get through it.
i have a few (most of my upper left arm covered, and one on my upper right thigh) and i love them all. maybe it’s because i chose things that are both emotionally significant AND that i think are just nice to look at, but even as they get older and as i continue to change, i still like them. they’re still part of me!
i honestly find being tattooed to be a really positive, empowering experience. the closest i can get to describing it is that it’s almost like the images have always been part of my skin, and i’m just uncovering them. SO CHEESY, i know, but it really does feel like it, like when it’s done, i just think, “that was always supposed to be there, and now it is.”
I know just what you mean. Mine feel like they were always meant to be there.
I like mine. Got it about 3 months ago, still don’t regret it. I got mine on my bicep (kind of), so it’s easy to cover in professional settings, and I don’t really have to look at it if I don’t want. Maybe that’s a good way to go for a first tattoo? I dunno, it’s like a nice little surprise when I am wearing a t-shirt.
You should just do it!
I was actually thinking about the inside of my bicep – thanks for all the encouragement! Definitely getting me excited about moving forward with this.
I sit on the designs for mine until I know in my heart that I will not get sick of them. Once I made up my mind (aged 30) that i wanted one, I noodled around with the design for aaaaaages and then I did about the millionth iteration of it and it went CLICK and I knew it was right. Having had that CLICK once, it happened much quicker with my subsequent ones but I don’t take the design in to my artist until I’ve had it. I’ve now got most of my back covered and both sides of my ribcage and I love them all. Next one (to fill in the one empty spot between my shoulderblades) is just waiting on my back injury clearing up enough that I’ve got some spare pain threshold.
Pain varies a lot between people – I find them totally bearable, about like a cat scratch, and actually fell asleep during my last one, but my tattoo artist says I am hardcore and not normal. The only one I wasn’t keen on having done was when that morning I’d tripped over and split my lip, and had apparently used up all my pain threshold on that, which is why I’m waiting for this next one until my back is better.
If you’re dithering – wait. Do some research, visit some studios, chat with some artists, get some ideas, but wait until something clicks for you.
PS i suggest:
1. doing a lot of research about tattoo artists and parlors in your area/as far as you’re willing to travel. portfolios, yelp pictures, seeing them in person, whatever. a professional artist won’t make you feel stupid for asking questions or asking for a consultation, etc.
2. locking down a pretty solid idea of what you’d like in advance (and then sitting on it a while, to see if you still like it a few months/years/whatever you feel like down the line) but also being semi-open to suggestions from your artist, especially regarding what ages well.
this doesn’t mean you’ll necessarily be unhappy with an on-a-whim tattoo you got at a parlor you don’t know much about (you do you! i have an on-a-whim tattoo right above my thought-about-it-for-five-years tattoo, and i’m still pretty fond of it) but i think it usually translates into a better experience.
Also, as a reference I’ve been thinking about this particular tattoo for about 1.5 years now – just feeling like I need a final push to commit.
DO IT DO IT DO IT
😉
Yep -knowing that, do it do it do it!
Ahhh I love my tattoos! I got the first one when I was 18 and the design is not something that I would choose to get now, but I went with my best friend to get it and it does pinpoint a place where I was in my life. I’ve got six right now and plan on getting more whenever I can wrangle a real adult job that actually pays me a living wage. I’m also maybe a little bit impulsive about them? Sometimes I get an idea for a tattoo that feels right so I just go for it. So far, no regrets.
The pain has never bothered me much either. It’s a different kind of pain than piercings for sure.
Anyway my advice for tattoos:
1. MAKE SOMEONE GO WITH YOU. Most artists (all the ones I’ve seen) will let someone sit in the room with you for moral support.
2. Most artists also have portfolios online. If you have friends who can recommend an artist definitely take it into account, but check out the artist’s other work too. There are different tattoo styles, and you will want an artist who works in the style that you prefer.
3. Be assertive! Probably this is advice that a lot of people don’t need but I’m frequently a pushover. Getting a tattoo is NOT the place for that nonsense. Communicate exactly what you want; ask a lot of questions.
I have known my best friend since I was born. Our families are friends, our grandpas used to be buddies, even! Since we were 14ish we have joked that “I love you so much I’m gonna get your name tattooed on my ass!”. We haven’t lived in the same cities or followed even remotely similar life paths, but she’s always been there for me. So on her 30th birthday I got her name tattooed on my ass. I thought it was going to be a little thing, and I just told the artist “make it the most stereotypical name-on-your-ass font you can think of”. He came up with 2″ gothic letters, which made me bust out laughing. “DO IT!”
My tattoo will be 4 years old soon. I barely remember it’s there unless I catch a glimpse coming out of the shower or someone brings up tattoos. It *is* especially fun to explain to guys when they, um, see it for the first time. “Oh that? She’s my best friend…”
This is delightful in every way.
Hello! I have two tattoos, and here is my experience. One was planned, and one was total spur-of the-moment while in Portugal. I do not regret either of them, and will probably get more tattoos eventually. Not that permanency is NOT a big deal, but don’t worry so much about it. if you do your research beforehand you’ll be OK. A good tattoo artist is not only a talented fine artist, but knowledgable about tattoo techniques so look at their portfolios. Even the spur-of-the-moment Portugal tattoo artist guy was hastily googled just in case. Watch the show “Tattoo Nightmares.” This isn’t to scare you into NOT getting a tattoo, but to show you that even the most egregious tattoo can be covered up. And you can also get yours touched up after it heals if you aren’t quite satisfied. I bumped one of tattoos really hard on a table leg while it was still healing and the bump caused it to blur a little in that spot.
I have two tattoos. I spent several years obsessing over each one before I actually got either, but, ultimately, I ended up getting both tattoos on a whim — on trips to New York (I’m not New-York-based), as a means of reclaiming my body after bad / difficult break-ups.
I’ve had one for about eight years now and the other for about three, and I don’t regret either in the least bit. Each tattoo, I think, marks me as a particular sort of person at a particular point in my life. I like the idea that, when I am 80 years old, I will have this very physical reminder of the person I was when I was 19 — like, that, when I was 19 years old, I was making permanent, irrevocable decisions about the person I would be when I was 80.
That’s scary, of course (and it’s not to say that all of my decisions when I was 19 were great, though the tattoo was not a bad one), but maybe also a little bit exhilarating. And, in the end, I think the decision to NOT get a tattoo — to NEVER get a tattoo — is not so materially different from the decision to get one.
I figure if there is a time I’m tired of my tattoos, tattoo-removal technology will be comparatively inexpensive and high quality. It’s very comforting!
I love my tattoo. It’s an elephant on my shoulder that I got when I was, gee whiz, 20, I think? It meant a lot at the time and still does, and I’m not the least bit sick of it being there, so, yes, I endorse such decisions!
I just got my first tattoo last August, so I can’t speak to the whole “liking it 10 years later” aspect, but I do have a rather vivid memory of the experience.
one thing that still sticks out in my memory is how resigned I became to the fact that there was no going back, once the needle had been buzzing in my skin for a few minutes. I’m the type of person to sit on an idea for FOREVER before executing (I wanted this general idea for 10 years before getting the ball rolling) and was very nervous about the idea of forever altering my skin, even though I love tattoos and always knew I would get some “eventually.” like you I had vivid dreams about getting it and finally decided it was time. I figured I would always be okay with the theme, because for 10 years I already had been, but what if someday I hated some little detail or the artist made a crooked line or aiweufbsjdhbfjd? it’s on there forrrreverrrr. in some ways, waiting so long made it more nerve-wracking because I had built up this idea in my head that it would forever be my perfect, flawless piece of art.
then I was sitting in the chair and it was hurting but not-that-badly-hurting and I felt very much at peace with the whole thing, even with the idea of perhaps having a tattoo I one day felt meh about. I had done what I could to ensure that I didn’t regret it, and at that moment I relinquished control. it’s just skin.
and now it is January and I still glance at my tattoo (a big crow on my arm) and smile and feel lucky to have it. I think taking your time is never a bad idea, but at a certain point you just have to jump in.
Toast, tonight I am going to go see improv dressed up in fancy clothes with all the other volunteers. The ability to wear shiny doc marten heels and laugh is making up for the moderately unwilling single-being and my skin’s explosion today. So, yay!
Awesome! I might end up going to midnight improv with my ridiculous drunk friends at their university but it isn’t so fancy. Also: what are these shoes I LOVE DOC MARTENS.
I have a miserable sinus infection, which means that I have to miss out on a dinner tomorrow (for which I have already purchased a $20 ticket, ugh). It also just kind of generally sucks.
Going for a nice supper with my wife tonight, though, so at least there’s that.
I picked up some flowers for her, and there was an early-20-something guy behind me in line with a few sad red roses and baby’s breath, and I just wanted to tell him that if they were for his girlfriend, to consider the gorgeous orchids or tulips instead. I did not tell him, because that seemed rude and not at all my place, but I kind of wish I had. Do people like getting red roses for Valentine’s day? And baby’s breath? I wouldn’t, but maybe it’s a classic/cliche for a reason.
Baby’s breath makes me think of bouquets that 15 year old boys give their girlfriends. When I was in high school, my boyfriendless friends and I would gather the bits of baby’s breath that littered the hallways on Valentine’s Day and make ourselves single girl bouquets.
I hate baby’s breath but I love red roses with an absurd affection that cannot be contained. It’s so cheesy and dumb but I love them.
Yeah, I feel the same way. Baby’s breath is a waste of a flower and also a vaguely creepy name, but man, roses are awesome.
I am of the opinion that carnations are an even worse waste of a flower.
Roses are awful. And I hate carnations too, but mostly because they remind me of my high school relationships and feel like Flowers of Obligation. Like, “I know I’m supposed to buy you flowers, so here’s the cheapest ones in the store. They’ll look like crap in 2 days, but that doesn’t matter because my role in this social dance has been fulfilled.”
Also, minus a million respect points if you only give me flowers on socially mandated flower-giving occasions. (ie: valentines day, birthday.)
I love getting flowers for basically any reason other than “I’m supposed to give you flowers.” and as long as they’re not roses (or carnations. ) Orchids, lilies, tulips, whatever man, as long as it’s not roses or carnations, I’m happy.
“Flowers of Obligation” I love that.
Carnations always remind me of a short story I read in high school, “Paul’s Case” by Willa Cather, where the disaffected youth, Paul, wears a red carnation to his meeting with the school principal to discuss his suspension, and then eventually kills himself by throwing himself in front of a train. Carnations are a sad death flower.
Roses are so overdone. I admit that in the wild they can be quite beautiful, but I find them mostly just extremely boring. Maybe a rose or two in a mixed bouquet, but a whole bouquet of sad roses? And baby’s breath!? Ugh, no. Tulips or lilies or literally almost any other flower (not carnations, obvs). I would kill for a bouquet of anemones, but I have literally never seen one outside of a fancy wedding blog/pinterest board.
Anemones are great — heroes’ souls! That’s actually what we have in the house right now — I bought a bouquet of deep purple, red, and white-with-a-bruised-purple-center anemones at the grocery store last week (for $4.98! you go, the grocery store). They are in season right now if you go to a florist’s!
I did a composite of a bunch of different kinds of flowers including daisies, sunflowers, irises, tulips and filler, and then also included three red roses just to make it Valentine’s-y. But they’re not really the centerpiece of the whole thing, just an element. And I think they turned out really good!!! The lady certainly seemed to like them.
Red roses are my favourite flowers in the world (I clearly read too many fairy tales). Maybe they’re overdone for people who don’t love them as much, but for me they’re always a winner.
Ditto. My husband gets me a dozen red roses for no reason, and I eat it up. My real favorites are coral roses, though – I had a few of those in my wedding bouquet along with the white ones.
My boyfriend is terrible at picking out flowers, so I wouldn’t really mind roses since at least it’d be an improvement over the time he gave me a bouquet of purple silk roses (“that way they won’t die on you :D”). Last year he got me a blooming jasmine in a pot, though, so I have hopes for this year.
Haha, awww. The silk roses were well-intentioned. The potted jasmine sounds really nice!
Baby’s breath is awful, and I’m not the biggest fan of roses either. I would much prefer the orchids or the tulips. DEFINITELY THE TULIPS. ESPECIALLY IF THEY’RE YELLOW. Mostly I dislike roses because they’re beautiful and lovely until the second they start to wilt a little and then the smell they give off morphs from beautiful to HORRID and I have to throw them away before they get actually droopy because at that point the smell makes me want to vomit. It’s really horrid how they go so fast.
My dad just surprised me at my office with some pink and red carnations and baby’s breath, and I’m pretty happy with them. The thought is whats getting me in the feelings.
That sounds really sweet! I would have feelings about that too. I put dad-flowers in a totally different category from significant-other-flowers.
Aww. My dad brought me flowers for my birthday once and it was the BEST. He was surprised I liked it so much, he was embarrassed because he’d gotten me something last minute that to him was cheesy but I never like gifts so I was thrilled. Come to think of it, kind of like the time he forgot he was supposed to pack me a lunch and brought me fast food at lunchtime, which was also thrilling to a little kid.
Dads. 🙂
Like so many others, I will never get over the perfect beauty of roses. Even though Valentines’ Day roses are often terrible quality & grown on chemicals & crap. I just wait for summer roses. Or November roses — those are wonderful too.
February is for daffodils. I refuse to acknowledge the presence of other flowers during this month. They are yellow and cheerful,they are delightful, and they are seasonal.
Although right now I have some mix of purple and yellow flowers I can’t identify because the grocery store refused to put a price on their daffodils and I didn’t feel like dealing with an actual human being at the time.
nothing says happy valentine’s like cyber harassment from your gf’s ex amirite? anyways, thanks, Toast for being a safe-space on the often nasty internet. <3 u.
Toronto Toasties, just a reminder that next week we’re having Toast Up #2 at Sneaky Dee’s on Sunday, February 23rd at 8pm!
I’m not normally very sentimental about things that I am supposed to feel sentimental about. But I am feeling a bit misty-eyed today.
My parents got married on Valentine’s Day 40 years ago. They were poor , young, and practical so they did it up courthouse style. My Mom wore a plaid skirt and a peasant blouse. Nothing fancy. My Mom couldn’t afford a bouquet, so her mother-in-law surprised her with one.
Since I kinda like my parents I decided to surprise them with some flowers. Unbeknownst to me I duplicated the flowers in her wedding bouquet. And then her kitten tore them apart. But still. Good Valentine’s.
My Mom couldn’t afford a bouquet, so her mother-in-law surprised her with one.
Awww!
Unbeknownst to me I duplicated the flowers in her wedding bouquet.
Double-awwwwwww!
You can download De La Soul’s entire oeuvre on the website today, until noon tomorrow. Get to it! 😀
I’m in such a great mood today, my coworker and I are the only folks on our floor so we’re having music parties while doing work. I’m going to squat (I will do it, she affirms) 180 lbs for three sets of five tonight, make chick fil a-style chicken nuggets and spend a day in DC tomorrow. The snow is bearable. HOORAAAAAAYYY
WHAT WEBSITE
Never mind, Google, and Ye Shall Find.
I PAINTED AND IT’S PRETTY!!!!! (linking the multi pic tumblr posts rather than break this page).
Bedroom: http://rebelliousjez.tumblr.com/post/76482838566/…
Office: http://rebelliousjez.tumblr.com/post/76482975630/…
I broke 3 toes doing it, but worth every wall.
And I move in 15 more days! YAY! I’m finally getting excited.
ALSO! Dudebro recently found out that his living plan has fallen through, and he may well have nowhere to go. My answer: “That sucks.” *wanders off to the other room to play video games and laugh quietly* Oh, I am so sorry your life is not going to be anywhere nearly as fabulous as mine. LATER SUCKER!
We painted last weekend!! I love the blues you used in the bedroom! They’re so pretty and go so well together! And that brown looks very similar to the brown I used in my dining/kitchen which is SO CHOCOLATEY. I keep reminding myself that they’re walls and I cannot lick them. Looks fantastic.
But ouch your toes! How did you do that? Best of luck with healing those up.
I was doing the corners on the ceiling, half dancing to music, forgot which way I had the stepladder turned, and stepped back down the wrong side. Totally stupid move, and no one to blame to myself.
Ohhh, ouch!! I actually had a near-miss that sounds quite a bit like what you did. Hopefully it heals up quickly!
congratulations on leaving the Dudebro hanging. 😀 That is FANTASTIC. Like, advanced-level standing-up-for-yourself skills. (I’m incredibly nerdy, so I’m sitting here thinking, “She rolled a natural 20 on her will save vs passive-aggression.”)
I get you on the nerdiness. I’ve been making High Int/Low Wis, failed the notice check jokes about the stepladder incident all week.
And thanks!
THREE TOES??????
Big toe, index toe, middle toe. THREE TOES MANKA. It hurts, and I need minions to fetch and carry.
Oh my god I can imagine it hurts. I wish I could send you HOT and WILLING minions to cater to your every whim.
Toasties! First, LOVE however you celebrate/ignore today, and second I have a DENTAL QUESTION.
I went in for my first cleaning in awhile (a long while – I have such dentist anxiety) and it ended with the dentist very gravely telling me all sorts of stuff – crown, filling, wisdom teeth removal – I have to have done. But first, he wanted to do a scaling and root planing because I have early gum disease going on and he needs to get that fixed before he would do any of the other work.
But, I’m a full time grad student living off loans with no dental. And all of the individual dental plans I looked at have a six month waiting period for periodontics, and 12-18 for the wisdom teeth and crown. And the planing procedure without insurance would cost me $750. Which is a whole lot.
Does anyone have experience with this procedure? Is it a thing to get done ASAP, damn the cost, because it’s my teeth and my health and it’ll be uphill from there? Is it something that can wait that six months if I start paying for dental insurance so I can spread out some cost and save a little? Is it an excruciating procedure that will bleed my summer funds dry and then have to be repeated all the time because it’s not as effective as the dentist suggested?
Help.
I don’t know, but maybe you could get it done by a dental student? A friend of mine got a dental implant at a dental school in New York, I think it was not that much money for something that’s usually insanely expensive.
I think it’s worth getting a second opinion. I’ve had work done that later other dentists have said should not have been done, for such a lot of work and money it’s worth the peace of mind to double check with someone else.
I’ve had both shoddy work that had to be redone and unnecessary work performed, so I concur with getting a second opinion. And now I have an unhealthy fear of the dentist and am supposed to be making an appointment but keep putting it off.
Talk to your local dentists. Some will do pro bono work for folk without insurance or money, and the worst they can say is no. (some will also provide meds for folk with anxiety so they can get through their visits)
Source: Mom was a dental assistant for 10+ years, plus my dentist has done pro bono work on a couple of friends because he is awesome, and just wants people to feel better.
I would also get a second opinion. Scaling and root planing is something that was recommended to me and three of my roommates across the first two years of college for the same reasons and I was suspicious enough to go to a second dentist since I was poor and uninsured and I took impeccable care of my teeth. The second dentist told me that it was unnecessary and a way for unscrupulous dentists to get some extra cash out of people who didn’t know better. That’s not to say it’s a scam every single time, but I would definitely get a second opinion just to be sure.
This may sound ridiculous but… do I just make a cleaning/exam appointment for a second opinion? I’ve never gotten a second opinion on a thing before. I’m also worried about paying the however much for another exam just to hear the same thing.
I’m real new to this adulthood/taking care of yourself biz I guess
Look at it this way, it will be peace of mind that you actually DO need the procedure done, and also, you can ask the second dentist about how urgent it is. A good dentist will be completely up front with you about what you need to do urgently and what can safely be put off and for how long.
When you schedule your appointment, just tell the receptionist that you’re looking for a second opinion – they may have a billing code for that and not charge you for a full cleaning.
Definitely get a second opinion. I have a friend who is a dentist, and while she and most are awesome, she had some tales of shady operators. Always worth a second opinion, especially since it sounds like the dentist who told you this was new to you.
This is really helpful advice everybody. Thank you!
One thing you can do before going to a new dentist is make a paste of hydrogen peroxide and baking soda and a little peppermint oil if the taste grosses you out, and very gently brush it at a 45 degree angle to your gumline, then leave it on for five minutes and rinse with warm water. It’s not something you want to do regularly, but it’ll get things *very* clean and then if you’re told you need root planing, etc., it’s more likely to be a legit concern. Best of luck, I’ve been there and am still working through it all myself.
Oh hi! I hope this is helpful – I, too, have early gum disease (to use the dental parlance: a bunch of fours and fives), and I’ve had scaling and root planing done. Here’s my tip – a lot of gum disease comes down to good home care and getting regular (every three-six months’ or so) check-ups. Ideally, your check-ups should include the hygienist using a sonic care tool rather than simply using the standard metal cleaning tools – I’m sorry that I may be using the wrong name for it, but hopefully when you get your second opinion (I totes agree with the above comments) you can ask for a description of the tool I’m talking about. From what my dentist tells me (and my experience bears this out), the tool disrupts the growth of bacteria between the teeth, and keeps the gum disease from progressing. As long as it’s done regularly, gum disease doesn’t really progress. Either way, if you just got a cleaning and focus on great home care starting now – brushing each night and flossing with woven floss EVERY NIGHT, the scaling/root planing is not critical. You should be able to arrest/reverse some of the damage until you can get in to see a periodontist. Also, if it helps, it’s not a terribly painful procedure, and after I got mine done about five years ago, my gum disease hasn’t worsened. I hope this is helpful! I completely agree with those suggesting a second opinion, but even so I feel that the more critical matter is getting the filling taken care of.
If you end up having a big expense, check if your dentist offers CareCredit! Depending on your circumstances they will give you 6, 12, or 18 months to pay off the balance without interest. I had zero credit and a lot of student loan debt when I first got it and they still gave me the full 18 months to pay off about $700. I like it much better than a regular credit card because there’s no way I can use it for non-health things! (I have it specifically for dental work and emergency cat expenses.)
Meredith Vieira & Mary Carillo >>>>>>>> Matt Lauer & Bob Costas
Bye bye boys.
LOVE Mary Carillo! I’m sorry Bob Costas is ill but I can definitely do without him.
Hey Toasties,
I was supposed to leave last night for Portland but my flight was cancelled and now I am stuck at home with no food! I’m seriously wondering if I will get ill before I leave from eating six month old pesto. Oh! I spent 5 hours on the phone with United yesterday, so that was something!
Ugh, airlines. I hate them with a passion.
happy valentimes, my toasties.
i should probably break things off with the guy i’ve been seeing, but instead we’re going to eat vegetarian sushi in bed.
(what can i say? when i asked if we were gonna do something for valentine’s, like eat pizza or just hang out, he said he might have to go to a BEACH RAVE instead [this didn’t pan out, i guess, since he’s since made plans to see me tonight]. then the same day he surprise meet-the-parents’d me (“wanna see where i grew up? you can meet my mom!”) and introduced me as “a friend”—but weirdly, that’s not the part that bothered me. i don’t really care what he calls me, as long as our sexual relationship is monogamous. but i’m just so luke-warm about it so really i’m just being selfish and i don’t like feeling like i’m doing something bad, ugh.)
It’s not selfish if you are getting what you want, and not preventing him from doing the same. The dynamics do seem a little odd, but just ask him where he’s at, and see if it meshes with your feelings.
you’re totally right, toasties are always so wise. i’ve known this in the back of my head for a while, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling guilty. i don’t think i’m misleading him, and i don’t think he’s really misleading me either, but it also seems…wrong. to continue even something casual with someone i’m really so ambivalent about. for what reason? mediocre sex, companionship where we don’t really understand each other, feeling wanted, etc?
Oh, well, you didn’t mention mediocre…The only problem I could see is that you’re settling for less than satisfying because anything else is too much work. In which case the guilt is about him, it you feeling it towards yourself. Do you want a relationship right now, though, or just a companion? No judgement on either – pros and cons to both.
i think i’d be willing to put in the work for a relationship if i felt strongly about the person. i just don’t about this guy, and even though he’s not asking for more from me (see: beach rave, haha) i still feel weird about it.
nothing’s bad about the situation. we get along, i’m attracted to him, there’s zero pressure. i just don’t care all that much, so i find myself wondering why i bother if i’m so ambivalent, and then i feel even worse for wondering while continuing to see him, SHAME SPIRAL, etc.
I’m also spending tonight with a guy that I’m Not Sure about. we do have a really nice time together and I’ve been really upfront about not wanting to get serious (he says he’s okay with it though he sometimes hints at wanting something more? maybe? I’m a stupid combination of oblivious and overthinker) so I’m trying just to enjoy things as they are. I definitely hear you on the guilt thing though.
oof, here’s to both of us figuring out what we want and how to be clear and honest about it! either way, i hope you have a good valentine’s with this fellow, regardless of how you feel about him long-term/after-valentimes, haha.
you too! vegetarian sushi in bed doesn’t sound half bad in any circumstance.
I didn’t go on that date last week because of Mallory’s advice. I feel good about the decision, but also kind of FOREVER ALONE. Ah, well.
I was wondering about this! glad you didnt go!!!!!!!!
oh my gosh I am so so so proud of you
YOU BETTER BE
btw, I am contemplating a piece about Jesus Christ Superstar. It is floating around in my head, but I will hopefully write it down soon, so be prepared for that submission.
YES, PLEASE. And adding references to Godspell will only make it better. (Hint, hint.)
You did the right thing. :fistbump:
Forever Alone is better than spending an evening with a juicebox. You can’t get that time back.
Come be FOREVER ALONE with me? I did something similar (more like, deciding not to pursue something with a friend because I think he would quickly make me crazy) and it makes me feel sad too.
FOREVER ALONE TOGETHER. I usually don’t mind my singleness too much, but sometimes it is just UGH.
Right? I don’t mind it most of the time, but I miss kissing people and I would like to have someone to go to fondue restaurants with (yes, I could do many coupley things by myself but it is *not* the same.)
I’m kind of there too. I’m so good at being single; I have books, friends, and get more sleep. I feel so much less competent at relationships, and don’t really want to be in one now. But it was nice to have someone to kiss and hang out in bed with. And the piece about the pig heart today reminded me that I do quite like the being in love part, if not the having someone around all the time part.
However, attempting to date juiceboxes, or perfectly nice people who just don’t inspire those feelings, is the worst of both worlds. So I went to the library yesterday to get Broken Kingdoms to read tonight and have chocolate waiting at home.
can we make a FOREVER ALONE club or something, because since breaking up with a guy that I was lukewarm about I sometimes feel like those are my only 2 options: wishy-washy tepid relationships or being alone until the end of time. And while my brain KNOWS that a) being alone is way better than a shitty unsatisfying relationship, and b) I am very unlikely to be alone forever, I’ve still been getting sad a lot lately and feeling really isolated since all my friends are in couples.
Too bad brains can’t fix FEELINGS, am I right?
Yeah, wtf, brains? What are you good for, anyway?
I’m just guessing that a date with “hope your not a bitch” guy would make you feel more alone, not less.
Man, I sympathize with the FOREVER ALONE thing. I remember thinking “This is it, I’m done forever,” and now I’m one of those obnoxiously loving and beloved people who you see holding hands on the street. If dorky, snarky, pudgy, studious, socially-awkward, prematurely-gray-haired me can stumble over massive love, so can you.
Be kind to yourself, and you show other people how to be kind to you, too.
To second, you could never have a charming “this is how me met!” story w “Hope your not a bitch” guy.
“hahaha turned out I WASNT!”
Y’all, I neeeeeeeeed purple streaks in the underlayer of my hair and I cannot get in to my stylist apparently ever?? I am pouting. What exciting things are y’all doing with your hair?
Currently pink and shoulder-length, but thinking about moving to blonde and pixie.
Both of these looks sound awesome.
The top half of mine is purple and the bottom half blue, with a blue stripe at each temple (because I am ridiculously grey and the blue covers it better when it starts growing out).
That sounds gorgeous! I can’t go all-over crazy colors bc of my job, so I am envious.
My work huff and puff about it sometimes but I remind them that I asked both HR and my manager before I first went silly colours (black and pink, but I got bored of clashing with all my red clothes) and neither of them cared, and if black and pink was fine then so was blue and purple. This is the best pic I can find of it online! I like that when I brush it back the streaks ‘frost’ over the top so it looks like a thin all over layer of blue over the purple.
Oh my god, that is BEAUTIFUL. And you are being nuzzled (maybe?) by a baby horse, so you clearly win at everything.
Thankyou! 😀 And yes, he was 2 days old and that was our first meeting and cuddle. There are very few things on this earth more delightfful than having your nose suckled by a foal who is too little to have teeth yet. After they’re about a week old it becomes distinctly less delightful to have them chewing on your face.
OMG I’ve wanted a single bright purple stripe on one side for SO LONG and I always chicken out at the last minute because I know I’d have to maintain it to keep it that bright and that purple and I’m such a lazy ass and then it would just go sad and faded. I COMMEND YOU FOR YOUR PURPLE STREAK DESIRES. And when you do them please share pics <3 <3
I am having regrets for never going crazy with my look when I was younger, so now I want All The Things – wacky hair and a fancy ear piercing and another damn tattoo.
I didn’t start having tattoos or silly hair until I was 30. I’m 36 now and getting sillier by the year.
My strategy for maintaining color has always been to just never ever wash my hair. (I was a filthy hippy in college, YMMV.)
I have naturally curly hair and some day I really, really want an asymmetrical bob but I am scared.
Ok me too but Tegan of Tegan and Sarah has a short-ish asymmetrical haircut that is sometimes curly and she looks like a badass.
ME TOO. I took a picture of a girl who had a haircut i wanted (I got her permission) and I’m debating it. How do you find a good stylist for that kind of haircut?
I am doing nothing with my hair, but I must tell you – just go to a head shop and get some Manic Panic and streak your own streaks! Make a friend do it if you’re worried about your aim. Clean up with rubbing alcohol. Be fabulous!
I like crazy color for mine – I can’t get the hang of manic panic even though everyone always raves about it.
I’ve never had color before and I’m worried about placement, or I totally would!
I am resisting the urge to cut my hair with kitchen scissors. Also I wish my hair would just hurry up and go gray all at once instead of strand by measly strand. FOREVER A CRONE.
I just dyed it pillarbox red.
This on top of shaving half of it off a few weeks back.
Um. I’ve decided I want my hair to look like Tilda Swinton’s in Only Lovers Left Alive, so I’ve stopped brushing or combing it and instead of washing it every two weeks I now only wash it every three weeks (when I color my roots). I don’t think this is the kind of excitement you’re asking about, but I’m pretty excited over all the time and money I’m saving.
I miss having pink and purple hair so badly. 🙁 My next cut is going to be a boring trim because of a work thing coming up, but I think for the one after that I’m just going to close my eyes and tell my stylist to have fun.
I dyed my shaggy bob almost-platinum around new year’s and I’m still not over it. it’s actually been getting even better since I looove the look of my roots growing in.
I just did purple!!! WHEEE!
I decided two years ago that I wanted to have long hair in my natural dark blonde color one last time before I went gray. So I did that, and I’ve enjoyed it, but now I think my hair might be thinning or maybe it’s just that it’s too fine to be so long? Anyway I look best as a redhead so it’s only a matter of time really.
TOASTIES! Our movers come tomorrow at 9am and we are frantically packing. I ran out of bankers boxes for my books after 24 of them, which were more than enough when I moved IN so… clearly I have a book-buying problem. “Problem.” I love books, no regrets.
We got a looooot done on the house pre-move which is great; we painted the kitchen/dining (chocolatey brown) and the family room (sagey green) downstairs, and the master bedroom (a rich colonial blue). I would post pics but they are on my actual camera and not on my phone, so I will try and do it once we’ve moved and settled in. Feel free to prod me as a reminder if you’re curious and I forget, I know some people love looking at other people’s home decor pics (me, haha). We can’t move into the master immediately though because it currently has no floor. Whoops. We’ve got measurements done, but we had to match what was throughout the rest of the house so it took some searching and that happened slower than the planned move and all that. But I don’t care, we’ll just sleep in a room that does have a floor until that gets installed. I’m mostly just glad to get out of the hellhole apartment we’ve been living in (and trapped in the past three days, THANKS MOTHER NATURE).
I have this mental picture of your master bedroom with literally no floor, like just the exposed support beams and empty space. (unless that is actually how your floor looks? I’m assuming there’s an underlayer there but no actual proper top layer.) Either way, congrats on the new house! Good luck with the move. 🙂
Haha it’s just exposed subfloor, not like gaping support beams or anything like that. The room initially had laminate that was pretty badly damaged and bubbling so we thought the subfloor was damaged. Turns out it just has a slight hump that made the laminate not lay flat. We pulled it up and went with carpet since you can lay that on a hump without it eventually getting damaged from just not laying flat.
Ok, fellow English-degree-holders:
I graduated with my B.A. last May, and am currently awaiting word re: grad schools. No, I don’t have a well-defined plan or anything; all I know is I love literary theory and research and writing papers.
I have an older brother (like, 10+ years older) who started his own successful real estate company. Every single conversation with him is eventually brought around to encouraging me to go to a vocational school and finding a “real job.”
(He actually visited me at work [a retail/food service mashup] this week to try this again.)
A) I know he means well and I know a PhD in English is not going to advance me any further in the unemployment line but B) maybe it’s because I’m still only 23 but I just do not want to spend money on training for some job that will be more soul-sucking than customer service.
My plea for advice is twofold:
1. Do I listen to him, or at least entertain the thought? (1b. In searching for a “real job,” is getting another degree/certification necessary?)
2. What is a humanities nerd supposed to tell an entrepreneurial big brother at a time like this??
Nothing bums me out more than his pep talks and I wish I could talk to my brother without worrying about whether he’s about to get patronizing.
I also got a BA in English and had a professor who told everyone, don’t get a PhD in English (or other humanities subject) unless that road of academia and teaching is the only thing you think you’d be happy doing with your life. I don’t know all the job stats for an English PhD holder but the info is out there and worth looking at. My job involves lots of reading and research and writing, but it is not in English/the humanities. Do I think it would be more fun to analyze literature for a living? Probably. But I’m satisfied with the job I do have. I think there are many opportunities for a job that incorporates the things you love about studying English, but isn’t necessarily the “real job” your brother may be gunning for.
I don’t want any of this to be discouraging – if you want to go to grad school and can make it work, then go for it!! But there isn’t an either/or choice – English advanced degree or soul sucking job and misery.
Yes– the way my professor couched it was don’t go unless you feel as if you have a calling, the way a priest or a nun (etc) has a calling to the clergy. And even then, don’t go if you aren’t awarded a fellowship and a stipend.
full disclosure- I didn’t go.
My advice? Stick to the M.A. route, and then consider a Phd once the Masters program is complete. Masters degree programs are awesome, but intense, and help put the focus on “real job” vs “academia.” (i.e. do you want to spend the next 6-7 years of your life doing a Phd and competing for the slim pickings of academic jobs).
Then, while you’re doing your Masters, you can consider all the awesome non-real estate “real jobs” out there — look at publishing/editing programs, communications, arts sector, or just general ways you can keep working with books and words, but not necessarily in an academic setting. And an M.A. can be helpful with a lot of these positions. (Or go for your Phd — figure out what you want when doing your MA!)
So, tell your brother that you’re go to grad school, if given the opportunity, and then you’ll figure out the “real job” afterwards. If he still won’t get off your back, frame it as a good way to build networks, and learn skills for your years of working experience. Also, just remember that you don’t need to be super-financially successful like him by the age of 31. You have years ahead of you to work.
I agree. I planned to go all the way and get a Ph.D. I got my MA in English and really loved it, but after assessing the job prospects for Ph.D.s, even from good schools, I decided I didn’t want to spend more pursuing a Ph.D. Almost all of my friends in the program decided to wait after their MAs, all of us thinking ‘of course I’ll go back.’ Nobody did.
Knowing what I know now, I would absolutely still go and get my MA, because I loved it and found it personally enriching. As some people have mentioned, only go to a program that will pay you, to teach or whatever. As far as getting jobs afterward, if you decide this isn’t the path for you, I would highly recommend getting internships over the summer that utilize the skills you have–writing, critical thought, etc. These can be in whatever you’re interested in–PR, marketing, publishing, working at a non-profit, whatever. You could still end up doing something you love and using the skills you have, even if ultimately you don’t become a professor.
I’d say something along the lines of “I know you’re just trying to look out for me. I’ve given your advice some serious consideration, and I did a lot of research before deciding on grad school, and I feel like grad school is the right choice for me. If that changes, I’ll definitely consider your advice again and I’ll bring it up again. Otherwise, I would like to consider this subject closed, but I really do appreciate your concern.” When you say “I would like to consider this subject closed” you’re stating a boundary, and you may have to enforce it if your brother’s not great with those.
Personally, I left school to pursue something practical (and then later took leave in order to finish my degree). This has been great for me in terms of “having a stable job that provides me with a comfortable income” and terrible for me in terms of “having a job that I actually like and that I find emotionally and/or intellectually fulfilling”. At this point it would be a bad plan for me to go to grad school, because I have a mortgage and a partner, but I wish I had gone in my early twenties.
I know many people with English degrees who are Very Successful in Various Fields. I personally am not A Credit To My English Degree, and spend a lot of time explaining that this is because of my personal failings, not my educational choices, and, while I don’t regret my degree, I do wish I’d thought more about my long-term career/life goals during and immediately after my undergrad. If you decide to go to graduate school, that’s fine–that’s great! but definitely don’t do it without a plan.
Oh man, I wish I could help you with that. I got an English degree 3.5 years ago and now I work customer service at a bookstore. My family still has not stopped offering me unsolicited career advice. My stepmom finally quit harping about my getting a master’s in library science … so that she could start harping about how I need to be a court stenographer because they make 80 bajillion dollars a year or whatever. A. that sounds boring B. I don’t need more student loan debt C. aughhhh leave me aloneeeee.
Long story short: talking to my parents about my life makes me feel like a teenager again. Annnd I have no helpful advice, I just want to commiserate.
Yes, let us commiserate.
Auuugghhhh.
I’m not an English degree holder, but I am a History degree holder. I got my BA, then went straight into my MA assuming that I would be a history teacher when I was done. While I was getting my MA I worked in my hometown school system as a teacher’s aide and realized that I just did not want to throw myself upon the grenade of no funding, NCLB, poor PR, etc. I currently work in a field that has absolutely nothing to do with my degrees (finance).
However. No one has ever said it outright to me and I couldn’t prove it, but I’m about 99% sure that just having an MA in anything got me my last several promotions over similarly qualified candidates. Obviously there’s a world of difference between a PhD and an MA, but it has not been my experience that getting an advanced degree was a waste of my time.
I would go for the MA and reassess once you’ve been in the MA program for a while. I got my MA (in History, so also a not-necessarily-lucrative-humanities field) and went into it thinking I wanted to go all the way through not because I wanted to teach but because I just plain loved the subject matter and being in academia. Which I did! I did not lose that love over the course of my MA! But going through the MA also pretty much cemented for me that I don’t need the PhD and I found a job in market research that sorta-kinda-if-you-squint uses the skills that I learned over the course of my academic life. Also, if the academia bug bites me again, I can always consider going back for the PhD later in life. The thing about an English degree is that there aren’t many jobs out there that are Very Specifically For English Majors but the skills it teaches you are FANTASTICALLY APPLICABLE in a ton of fields if you have the skills to argue your case. You’re analytical, you’re great at communication, that kind of stuff. You don’t have to go into teaching to use the degree, but you may not be using it to do actual literary analysis for money, you know?
I would think hard on it, but don’t let your brother talk you out of it if you know you’d regret it later. Do what you want, not what your brother wants for you. It’s your life. Good luck!
AALLLLLLLLL OF THIS. Nobody’s searching for someone with a BA in English who read a lot of Jane Austen. Lots of peoples, however, are looking for someone who can research and distill that information into brief reports. Or someone who can craft a mission statement for the organization, based on a random jumble of keywords. Or who can explain how to do process X to a whole roomful of people. (I advise arts and humanities students every damn day and say this over and over again. Heck, I even tell my STEM students this, too, because even programming environments need people who can document and teach.)
Like other people said, a humanities grad school that will accept you but not pay you to be there is a grad school that does not want you but is too ethically bankrupt, financially greedy and culturally corrupt to tell you so. So go to the place that gives you money (and health insurance) (and a union if possible) and do not consider any place that does not, even if it is the place you most want to go.
I went to grad school straight out of undergrad, could not finish due to anxiety, depression and congenital imbecility, and so have only an M.A. to show for my wasted youth. On paper it is a textbook dumb decision. However, all these years later I still do not really feel like I made the wrong choice. So I was poor for a couple years. But I didn’t have to work in an office until I was a little older and stronger and it helped to hold off the feeling of abject failure at life for several years.
The worst that is likely to happen is you will be poor, anxious and unhappy until you decide to quit and get a quote-unquote real job. But if you don’t go to any place that requires taking out loans (which, again, DON’T DO THAT) the consequences of a wrong choice will not crush you. If you end up in real estate or something similar, that can happen when you’re 25 or 26 just as well it could now. Going to grad school now doesn’t shut any sensible doors forever.
As someone with an English B.A. and a “real job,” I can help answer 1b! No, you don’t necessarily need another degree besides a bachelor’s in English to get a job. I work in communications at an association, so I get to flex my English major muscles with lots of editing and writing and research. There’s plenty out there in between “soul-sucking real estate job” and “dream job in academia”–about which, definitely talk to former profs/current students/other knowledgeable people so that you know exactly what you’re getting yourself into. As I’m sure you’ve found with the research you’ve done so far while applying, the field is nowhere near a sure thing. If it’s the path for you, you REALLY do need a plan.
As far as whether you should entertain your brother’s suggestions? It can’t hurt! But I think it’d be helpful to entertain all sorts of ideas, however unseriously.
I’m another English (and History) graduate without an M.A. or a PhD and there is definitely hope. I’m currently working at a children’s publisher, and it’s great. Not what I expected (working with images instead of text) but I feel like there’s room to grow here, and my co-workers are great.
I did the internship route in terms of resume building. If you can find them, they can be beneficial – but I’m also aware that the ability to take an unpaid or under-paid internship is a privilege. A good internship should be paying you. There are also people in my office who got Masters degrees – and when they got hired, they did get hired into a higher position/pay bracket. So there’s that too.
1. Do you like living in poverty? If so, proceed along. If not, then the Real Job business might just have some usefulness…
1b. Depends entirely on the job. There are probably some nice businessy jobs you can get with a BA in English. If I had it to do over again, I think I’d be a dental hygienist. Ridiculous pay for very few hours of work, but requires several years of school.
1c. What sort of job do you hope to get with your English PhD? (You do know that no one anywhere is hiring full time professors, and adjuncts make like $4k a year, right?) I would venture to say there is no job available anywhere that requires an MA or PhD in English that will pay you more than working in food service.
1d. Making a job out of something you love is bullshit. You will not love it anymore if you have to do it all the time, for people who are annoying and stupid. Get a job that pays enough that you can have the things you want (I don’t know what you want – lots of vacations? A car that doesn’t break? Whatever it is, be real about it, and see what your prospects are re: achieving that level of success on any given path…)
2. Piss off, bro. (Which doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a point, but he should stop badgering you about it.) Tell him he’s pushing you into doing post-doc work in Analysis of Taylor Swift’s Text messages and if he doesn’t shut up it will be his fault you live in a box when you’re 50.
3. Please don’t go to more school because you think it will be fun and you’re not ready to face the real world yet. It won’t be fun, and you won’t be any more real in two or five or however many years. You can absolutely go back later! I was in grad school (for a professional degree, which I am professionally using now, to moderate reward) with mostly people who’d been out working for eight or ten years. Not only did they have some savings to use to buy food more interesting than beans and potatoes, they also knew a lot more about themselves and how to get things done, and I would venture to say they got a lot more out of their degrees than I did, since I was just a kid who was trying to figure out how put on pants before leaving the house…
I am probably more annoying than your brother, and for that I am sorry, but try to look past the annoyingness of his big-brother antics and see that he is just trying to make sure you can take care of yourself.
whoa, this answer is a little overboard, or at least this:
“1c. What sort of job do you hope to get with your English PhD? (You do know that no one anywhere is hiring full time professors, and adjuncts make like $4k a year, right?) I would venture to say there is no job available anywhere that requires an MA or PhD in English that will pay you more than working in food service. ”
There are great jobs out there. There just aren’t a lot of them, and the process for getting them has elements of the completely arbitrary alongside merit elements. Entry-level asst. professorships pay between $55 and 75k/year depending on the school.
I do like your point in 1d about “doing what you love” not necessarily being the best choice.
That said, you also become what you do to a certain extent in life. So if she can get a stipend, and can spend 3-6 years pursuing her intellectual interests while supported by her department and by some light teaching, that’s a pretty great outcome. It doesn’t build a career per se, but it is worthy.
I’ll mostly leave the family question aside, though I endorse the below comment about boundary-setting.
The most important question is this: will you go into debt for this degree? If yes, then don’t do it. It is not worth paying money for so much struggle.
Basics on the struggle: The job market in literature, especially mod/contemporary literatures in English, comparative literature, and most foreign languages, is abysmal. MOreover, even before being on the job market, attrition is absurdly high (50% for Ph.D programs in English). The process of obtaining a degree, while doubtless broadening and sometimes transcendently illuminating, will probably not entail reading the things that you *enjoy* more than occasionally, and the politics among grad students (who are often in explicit competition for scarce resources) can be extraordinarily brutal.
Seriously, not only should this be a *calling* for you, it should also be *free.*
For me, US/African American Lit is a calling indeed, but I also lucked into an enormous fellowship for my degree and a full-time (but not tenured) job that I like. And while I have not suffered the enormous financial penalties that I have seen friends and peers undergo, I have foregone most personal relationships as too costly (in time and emotion). No kids. No partner. No friends within 100 miles.
I suggest “100 reasons not to go to grad school” and Karen Kelsky’s debt stories database (both googlable) as background reading. There is more precise information available via MLA and other professional organizations as well, but the advice format of one, and personal stories of the other, may be more relevant to your decision-making process.
And if you want to be truly horrorstruck, read “What is it like to be a woman in philosophy?” The literary disciplines have not, in my 15+ yrs experience, been quite as bad as the stories gathered there would indicate of philosophy, but academia is a pervasively, abusively misogynist (and racist, and ableist, and homophobic, and imperialist…) space.
Seriously, a calling and for free, or don’t do it.
This is the most informed answer! As a fellow PhD in a related field, I whole-heartedly agree.
I’m the graduate secretary for the English department at a Midwestern state university, so while I can’t speak as an academic, I can at least answer your questions from the perspective of someone who works with English graduate students.
Our admissions committee looks for applicants who have a plan. If an applicant’s statement of purpose only talks about a love of literature and fails to address what s/he plans to do with the degree, or or doesn’t include a fairly detailed description of his/her research areas, we don’t admit that applicant. I agree with Apples And Oranges’s advice: “don’t get a PhD in English (or other humanities subject) unless that road of academia and teaching is the only thing you think you’d be happy doing with your life.”
Going into grad school/academia is like pursuing the vocation of being an actor. Unless you lie awake at night dreaming of it, I strongly advise against starting down the road.
Good luck with whatever you decide, though!
a) Your brother is being a butthead.
b) However, yeah, it is a really good idea to have a backup plan, in case you don’t get in anywhere or in case shit happens. Much like queenofbithynia I went to grad school planning on a PhD and left with an MA – which, an MA in classics is maybe even LESS useful on a resume than one in English – and I had to spend some serious time rebuilding my mental image of myself and figuring out what the hell I was going to do if it wasn’t being an academic. (The answer was “work as an academic administrator,” in the end.) There is absolutely no reason you can’t dream about what you want to do.
c) But you are smart, and you can figure all that out, and condescending big-brother-knows-best advice is not going to do anything but put your back up, so tell him that you are aware of the job market and are considering all your options and until then the two of you can talk about something other than The Dreaded Future.
Hello! Hi! Yes! I am an English PhD and I come not to warn you off but to echo many of the other comments. Grad school is not a place to go to bide time until you figure out what’s next. It is a great place to refine a lot of skills: research, writing, teaching, schmoozing, despairing. And, seriously, DO NOT GO if you’re the one paying for it.
If you do go for the PhD, it’s worth looking into how to structure your coursework, research, and service to make you valuable not just as a tenure-track applicant but also as a candidate for alternative academic (alt-ac) positions. Look over the articles at Media Commons and in places like Inside Higher Ed and the Chronicle of Higher Education. Positioning yourself as capable of doing stuff other than what your average TT person is doing can set you up for many more opportunities than just doing the standard read-write-dissertate sequence.
I bailed out of the TT search early (because it sucks your soul out through your e-mail client) and landed in an administrative position that I eventually attached a teaching-track appointment to. It’s honestly the best of both worlds–teaching, but not too much; research, but only on what I want; service, but interesting stuff. Mine is by no means a conventional path, but despite being part of the generation of PhDs that are bearing the brunt of the doom and gloom and no-one-will-ever-have-a-job, I’m really happy with where I wound up.
(I’m sorry your brother is forcing his path on you. This is why I tried so very hard to avoid talk about “what I do” with my family during the grad school years.)
Thanks to everyone for your responses! This is what I was actually looking for: Real Talk from people in the humanities. Not what I want to hear but definitely what I need to hear!
Good thing it’s a long weekend: so much soul-searching ahead!
I think all of the advice here is valuable. I would just add that it sounds like you need more time. When I graduated with a degree in history, further studies in that field or maybe a related field, seemed most logical. I, like you, loved my specific area – middle eastern history, and research and writing. I took some time off. I waited tables, read whatever the hell I wanted, stayed out late drinking with people who weren’t college students and had a variety of experiences and perspectives. I saved a lot of money. I wish I had traveled more during that time.
I ultimately decided on law school. I truly enjoy being a lawyer – I like interacting with clients, advocating on their behalf, the variety of my work, and that it is intellectually challenging. These aspects of the job are what steered me away from academia and into law. I know my specifics are not that relevant to you, but I think you shouldn’t relegate non-academic work to “a real job” in quotes. (I realize that is probably a result of your brother’s pressure or the cliche of such pressure but it sounds like you are treating a career outside of academia as settling.) A career outside of academia doesn’t need to be, and shouldn’t be, a result of settling.
Most of all, I would encourage you to take more time to determine whether academia is a “calling” as one commenter described it. I was able to avoid loans for my first year of law school. My debt is 1/3 that of most of my fellow graduates. Alternatively, use the time to travel and enjoy your time without the stress of further academic study and a career – or use it to build your resume a little to give you a leg up as you apply for graduate school or pursue your “real job” career. Taking time off is one of the best decisions I have made in my life.
Let’s veto every song that includes the phrase “…the love we made” because gross, seriously, gross
This week marked the first time in history that my bowel movements have been discussed on the interwebs, so thank you to Mallory, the Toast and my lovely wife for providing that opportunity. I was not horrified by it at all, which is nice, because it was funny and I would have hated to have missed out on fun due to being too uptight (I am not noted for my uptightness, so not really a surprise, but one never knows).
Today is a weird day. Not because of Valentine’s day, but because it’s a work day after a snow day right before a 3 day weekend. I don’t really want to do much today, and not much of anybody is here, anyway. So that should work out.
Managed to watch some Olympics last night. Watching women hurl themselves down an ice tube at 80 mph head first was oddly satisfying, and stirred some feelings of patriotism. So that was fun.
Did anybody else basically die because of last night’s Hey Ladies? Because I basically stopped functioning for an hour.
& for Toasties in LA (or maybe CA? I’m not sure what happens in Nor Cal), 99 cent store has been stocking AMAZING imported wines for the last month and i highly recommend removing any class-conscious barriers you may have and doing a wine tasting w ENTIRE BOTTLES which I will also be doing this wkd
Your dollar stores sell wine? What the hell, that is amazing.
Its almost a reason to never leave the state
Thank you so much for this advice! I arrive in the L.A. area early Sunday morning and I am going to need a lot of wine.
I am visiting my sister in San Diego this weekend and miiiiiiiight have to do this.
Oh man, I am jealous. We picked up some wine from TJ’s but it’s not nearly that cheap. Still: one of the bottles does have a GRIFFIN on it.
GRIFFIN
Just this morning my roommate said “we really need to go to the 99 cent store more often! They have great stuff!” And i don’t even think she knows about the wine!! So yes, I will be going there! Thanks for the tip!
Celebrating Valentine’s Day at the office by putting on a Disney playlist for everyone’s enjoyment and heading out to pick up cupcakes in a bit.
I’m REALLY not one for V-Day but we’re at the end of a super long, stupid week and all looking forward to a long weekend (Monday’s a stat holiday in Ontario) so I think it’ll be good. Then I’m going to go home and drink a lot of wine by myself HOORAY.
Yay wine!
My uterus is celebrating Valentines Day with cramping and bleeding! That’s why V Day colors are red and pink, right?
me toooooooooo
Aaaand why chocolate, Advil, and heating pads are the traditional Valentine’s gifts, yes.
last year I gave blood on valentines day because BLOOD: it comes from your heart. HOW ROMANTIC. similar idea, i think,
I am also having the monthly renovations of Uterus Manor. Ours is a sticky solidarity that leaves pretty bad stains.
Mine came last night at 11:30! Woo!
This morning at the bus stop, I asked my husband if he wanted to get red for Valentines Day, and he was not entirely grossed out. Best husband.
I am impressed that you are feeling sexy at this time. I feel like how I imagine Grendel’s mother felt: sore, huge, pissed off and hungry for raw meat.
Ugh, right?! What’s up with that. Thanks, body!
I was hoping to throw a Valentine’s party, but a big portion of my friends are out of town so instead we’re driving half an hour to hang out with our college friends and get trashed in a far less classy way and probably end up sleeping on a couch. But that’s better than just roommate and me drinking, so hooray?
edited to add: I could also use some good Valentine’s cocktail suggestions, preferably with bitters for the joke. The friends we’re going to see mostly drink vodka, tequila and rum though.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a good rum punch. The traditional ones are basically just rum with citrus and a little sweetener to take off the edge, like this: http://www.esquire.com/drinks/planters-punch-drin…
Hmmm, that might work! I doubt we have grenadine on hand though, so I may have to look for a different variation. Thanks!
Does anyone know anything about mortgages/house buying?? I’m just starting and I got pre-approved for my mortgage through my bank. My real estate agent has had trouble closing with my bank before so she asked me to get pre-approved with her mortgage lady. I provided them with all the same numbers but this lady pre-approved me for 20% less. This drops me from tiny but cute 2-bedrooms to bank-owned and trailers. I’m distraught. Any ideas why there’s a huge difference?
You could always ask for a second suggestion of another lender that she’d worked with and hadn’t had problems in closing and see what happens with that one. Different lenders have different risk tolerances and so will lend different amounts of money (or none at all) to people of the same risk profile. I don’t want to pry into your specific numbers, so it’s sort of hard to tell much beyond that in terms of what is going on.
Generally speaking, I am suspicious of professionals recommended by real estate agents. They will tend to recommend lax home inspectors because they don’t want their deal messed up on inspection, for example. I don’t know your agent at all, they could be super-ethical and honest, but you just never know.
I second, third, and fourth the suspicion of professionals recommended by real estate agents. Especially mortgage companies–I know several people who got into a huge amount of trouble with their mortgages because the real estate agent and the mortgage companies were working their own deals, using first time home buyers as their dupes. Maybe your agent is upfront and honest, and yeah, banks aren’t altruistic either, and do unethical things, but I know fewer people who have problems with their bank mortgages than people who have problems with mortgage company mortgages.
The suggestion down thread to use a mortgage calculator to help you decide what you feel comfortable with paying for a mortgage is a good one. And yeah, make sure you figure in taxes, insurance, all that. That way, you have a better idea what the numbers lenders are throwing at you might mean for you personally.
My parents, god bless them, used their agent’s home inspector to buy a house this past fall. My nieces had a bath together (they’re still quite young) in this gorgeous newly-installed clawfoot tub a couple months ago. They pulled the plug and my SIL discovered, to her horror, that the tub was never connected to a drain. This is something that even the worst home inspector should have caught.
Different banks will use different methods to calculate what they think you will be able to pay back. Perhaps you could talk to a third bank, and get some idea of which of these is closer to reality?
Also have you used a little mortgage calculator to calculate your payments (including insurance taxes, etc.) and decided what *you* think you can afford? My bank was willing to approve me for a number that basically would have meant I never ate anything other than ramen ever again, and never left the house… (insurance and taxes and such can really add up! It’s nearly a third of my payment (though I have a terrible insurance situation, sadly…))
Yeah, same here. I’m pretty sure they would have lent us at least double what we asked for, but we would have been massively house-poor had we gone that route.
Also: my transfer should be coming through next week and it looks like I’ll still be working with my least favorite coworker. *cries*
🙁
My husband is away, so I’m celebrating Valentine’s day by eating cheap chocolate, playing videogames, and working my way through Sleepy Hollow while lying on the couch with the cats! Also, getting used to being on an antidepressant, which is A-OK so far. Also, more snow. But I’m inside and at home, so that’s okay!
chocolate + tv show featuring foxy british man being confused by modern technology and badass ladies of color + video games + couch + cats = perfect valentimes
I did not know that the main male character was going to be quite so foxy! I am most pleasantly surprised! And the female lead is delightfully badass. A-plus-plus would watch while mainlining chocolate again.
Did anyone else get Bravely Default for the 3DS? I love it!
Full disclosure – I am a lady of a certain age so that FFI, FFIV, and FFVI were my formative Final Fantasies, not FFVII.
I love the combination of the encounter slider, auto battle, and battle fast-forward options. It lets me grind for job points without it ever feeling like grinding because each battle takes 10 seconds that way. And then, when I feel like everyone has learned enough new skills I can TURN ENCOUNTERS OFF to walk back to town! Brilliant!
My only complaints so far are Agnes’s anime girl gasps and the fact that (not the game’s fault) when I played the demo, I thought that Ringabel was a girl! I was so pleased that there were 3 girls and 1 guy and that she had different outfit models than the other girls – somehow I never had Ringabel and Tiz in the same job at the same time, which probably would have given it away. I loved her short hair and full body armor. I was so taken aback when I started the full game and not only is he a guy, he’s a self-styled ladies man! Oops. All in all though, I love it.
I’ve been debating it! I liked the demo, but I heard that Ringabel gets annoyingly sexist, but maybe I should get it anyway?
Yeah, he’s pretty annoying, but on the other hand no one really seems to think his behavior is cool. I think they’re probably angling for a romance with the character who puts up with his crap the least. He is also <very minor spoilers, you find this out within the first couple of minutes of having him in your party>
.
.
.
.
that he is an amnesiac, so I’m hoping that he has just completely made up the fact that he is a ladies man and is actually not, at all.
All right, I’ll pick it up when I get home. Also we should share friend codes somehow but I kind of hate the thought of just leaving mine lying around on the internet, also I don’t know what it is off the top of my head anyway.
I did a request for friend codes here on the Toast a few weeks back and nothing weird happened but if you don’t want to do that my Tumblr is here so you can send me a tumblr ask if you want.
Apparently I cannot do that without having a Tumblr. So here is mine: 2406 6506 0246
I’m 0619-4509-9955!
I’m just paranoid. O_O
I got a crown on a back molar this morning and now I have an anxiety hangover and a sore mouth. Please to be spamming me with pictures of attractive people, tyvm. (Also I have been neglecting my beloved Toast because February sucks. Sorry, friends!)
Aw, you know me so well! (MAH BABIES)
Two thirds of a threesome! Sexy metal arm!
I CANNOT WAIT FOR THIS MOVIE
WHY ISN’T IT OUT YET???? WANT WANT WANT WANT. (etc.)
Madam, you do God’s work.
I would do more, but I’m at training and my screen is very visible and I am scared of what a search for Scarlett Johansson would turn up.
How about this Olympic snowboarder with rescued puppy:
OH GOD I AM IN LOVE WITH THAT KID. AND HIS PUPPIES.
These photos are my very favorite thing and I haven’t been able to stop periodically checking in on them since I first saw them yesterday. Oh, are those puppies still as round and snuggly as I remember? Is he still completely adorable? YES AND YES ALWAYS
It’s almost painfully cute. Dude looks like he’s at least 30% puppy himself!
ALSO: Two years ago today my wife asked me to marry her and I responded by calling her a buttface.
A love story for the ages.
Happy Galentine’s Day, Toasties! Here are some tiny clay cupcakes I made.
WHAT
They look so real! This only confirms my decision to make chocolate/crispy vanilla frosting cupcakes tonight.
I love your hobby, feel somewhat involved in it via the Open Thread and find all these pics very rewarding
That is so sweet. Thank you!
the frosting looks totally edible!
Happy Valentines, Toasties! Due to the dumping-via-email-by-long-term-boyfriend that happened LAST VD, I am feeling especially bitter about this most bullshitty of bullshit holidays BUT my friends have already hit me up to tell me they love me and are thinking about me, so I thought I should try to cultivate a little love and cheer of my own. I love you, Toasties! There ain’t a one of you that’s anything less than awesome, and I’m super glad I have this site and all of y’all in my life.
We love you too, Jinxie! You’re totally rad and I want to hang out again soon. Is there a Toast meetup happening in the Bay Area soon, or should we arrange one?
Happy Toastentine’s Day* y’all!
The Bergy Bits have a Valentine’s Party at school today so I expect them to be on a fierce sugar comedown with pink frosting in their hair when they come home.
*(c) Figwiggin
At least they GET cupcakes. My daughter’s school now has a “healthy eating” policy for holiday parties so they get water, apple slices and pretzels today. Sigh.
Saddest policy ever.
Healthy Eating Policies at schools are a sign of encroaching Fascism.
Aw, c’mon – healthy eating is fine for every day but is it really a cupcake or a Munchkin on a holiday really the end of the world? So sad.
I was at a liquor store last night and they had a thing called a “Bergy Bits Pack” which was three little bottles of flavoured Iceberg vodka in a box. It was just too perfect.
Hahaha awesome. just what I need to get through the day with them too uh I mean Mama loves you BBs!
hey friends not to echo the rest of the internet but WHO IS GOING TO WATCH HOUSE OF CARDS AFTER WORK TONIGHT.
I was going to do my usual routine of going to a wine bar and eating truffle frites and reading alone tonight, but my boyfriend wanted to do something together, so we are going to the wine bar and eating frites together and I’m reading my book tomorrow. Pretty good compromise, I think.
I WOULD LOVE TO WATCH HOUSE OF CARDS TONIGHT BUT I’M MOVING TOMORROW AND EVERYTHING’S PACKED UP. D: I pray to Kevin Spacey’s Smirk that I don’t get spoiled ’til I get to sit down and watch it.
ME!!! I was actually sort of disappointed when a friend asked if I wanted to get a Valentine’s-neutral drink with her, because I was planning on running home, making French toast, and watching HoC until I fall asleep.
I wanna watch House of Cards, but I’m gonna save it until my dad comes to visit again! We marathoned the first season together when he was in the country back in September, and I don’t want to see the new season until I can talk with him about it.
I am calling today Happy New House of Cards day.
So, I know this was posted a couple of open threads back, but I missed it, so I thought I’d try again! Who’s on Twitter? I’m trying to find generally awesome people to follow, and Toasties seem like they’d be great.
(I’m the same name there as here)
I’m @embryoconcepts, and I also have a “Toasties” list for all that I know are true Toasties (or honorary). Let me know if you are, if you add me, and I’ll put you on the list. (and, of course, take you off if you don’t like)
Awesome, thank you so much!
I’m on embryoconcepts’s list! I try not to link my Toast/pin name directly to my twitter but it shouldn’t be too hard to find me on there.
I’m @tekkah and like embryoconcepts above, I have a “Toasties & Pinners” list compiled of cool people I met in the comments in my life here and at the ‘Pin previously.
Awesome! thank you
I favorited your tweet about toastie-follow-backs – my twitter is private and boring but wanted to say hi!
@dancing_robot
I don’t know if I’m awesome but I’m following you now. @noizyrakket over there 🙂
I’m on Twitter but I mostly just retweet Mallory and Ezra Koenig?
Not helpful.
Mallory is so retweetable!
*hand up* I’m on Twitter as @elsamacbebekin (link in my Intense Debate profile), and I’ve found the Toasties I’ve followed are hilarious, thoughtful, and prolific with the goooooood links.
@rosie_bo
I retweet a lot of news about transportation, and occasionally try to make a joke.
ETA: hey we have the same name!
Yay! It’s an awesome name.
im so bad at twitter and trying to get better – @corinnefay
@rallisaurus I often forget to tweet, but I’ve been enjoying Twitter so much more since my Toastie following frenzy!
Same here! Like most things in life, I’d rather watch the party happen than participate, but my feed has become 100000% more fun since following Toastettes
I’m the same name on twitter. Mostly I retweet Toast stuff, and I also tweet random stuff when I’ve had a few drinks.
I’m @Grumpy in Boston, and mostly whine about my absurdly privileged life while also posting photos of my corgi. Following Toasties has been awesome.
@noxmunk – lots of pictures of my cats and complaining about students and being pregnant.
I just followed you! (thought I’d “introduce” myself since we’re both private haha)
Yay! I’m so excited to enhance my feed. Thanks, gals!
I think I’m also on Embryo’s listikins, but I’m the same username there as here so I’m easy to spot.
And now to go on my weekly Twitter Following Frenzy!
I haven’t been active as much here on The Toast lately, just due to being so busy with work (ugh). I love following all y’all on Twitter, though! I’m @lindackerite and I’m trying to be better about tweeting and not just RTs.
I’m @figwiggin, and I am on Twitter basically all the time!
@shalalas8
(late to the party!)
You guys guess what came in the mail this week! If you guessed “tickets to the Thrilling Adventure Hour/Welcome to Nightvale show in Seattle during Emerald City Comic-Con,” you’re right! I’m so excited I can’t even.
So excited! We’re going, too!
I thought you might be! We should see if we can meet up before or after (I’ll be w/ Mr. Fringehead and a friend of ours)
Yay Emerald City! Toastie meetup??
Yessssss. I’m probably not going to the actual con, because I like money & don’t like crowds, but we should do something con-adjacent.
Yes! Totally! But, I agree with SarcasticFringehead that it should be adjacent to ECCC, and not in the core.
I love me some comic geeks, but I do not love me some anything that could be described as a crowd.
This is my first con, and I’m a little bit concerned about that whole crowd thing. But I won’t be alone, so hopefully it’ll go okay. Let’s discuss when it gets closer!
SO good! I saw the Thrilling Adventure Hour in Brooklyn and wasn’t sure how the podcast was going to translate to the live format but it was absolutely wonderful.
I am just BEYOND excited to see Gagliardi and Jackson specifically, and everyone else generally. I love them so passionately. SO passionately.
I’m snowed in alone on Valentine’s Day. I don’t mind the alone part so much, but I’m kind of pissed that I don’t have red food coloring around so I can make red velvet cupcakes to devour. Ah well.
Red wine cake? http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2011/09/red-wine-c…
Oooo.
They would be just as tasty, if not tastier, without the food coloring! You can cut them into heart shapes if you need to be festive.
Ah, you are so right! I was also thinking of making cheese crackers- maybe I’ll cut those into heart shapes. <3 u, cheese.
IntenseDebate question here. Is there any way to hide comments on your own IntenseDebate page from people who do not comment on the Toast? I’ve been followed by some nonToasties and it is creepy. (Hi nonToastie followers who can read this!!) Obviously anyone can read my comments here, but…..
Hello everyone! Happy whatever! My husband is taking me out to dinner because (a) he didn’t get me anything even though I got him a chocolate bar and TWO comic books and (b) we both have cabin fever from being snowed in since yesterday.
I’ve been promoting this story in Hazlitt everywhere today. It is the perfect thing to read on a Valentine’s Day during the Winter Olympics! Especially if you have ever had a crush on someone and never said or did anything about it. Also if you are Canadian.
<3 U ALL
PS These are the comics I bought my husband, because we are both enormous gooey cheeseballs.
On another note, is anyone sort of obsessed with their own genealogy? It has become my new project (usually used as a distraction to keep me from overthinking all the goddamn time). It’s just getting really frustrating because I’m having problems finding anything about one of my paternal great-grandfathers before 1900. Everything says he was born in Pittsburgh, but Pittsburgh has no record of his birth. It could potentially an unnamed male baby with the same last night, but I would have to know his parents’ names to confirm, which was the whole reason I wanted his birth record to begin with!
I sent for a copy of his death certificate, which will hopefully have the names on it. Otherwise I’m SOL.
I’ve always wanted to get into that stuff! All I know is that my great-great (??) grandparents on my father’s mother’s side immigrated from Finland in the late 1800s (???). I a copy have their Finnish marriage certificate and a couple old photos of them. I would really like to learn more about them! Their last name was Kytola.
Finland high-five!
I am lazy, so I did ancestry.com for like 2 weeks and traced the interesting side of my family back as far back as I could go before I hit the wall of came in on a boat from Russia/Austria/Poland. The other side of my family is waspy and Southern so they basically go back to the beginning of time and that family tree has been done to death. Anyway, I feel your pain? And good luck!
Also, you are probably not as lazy as me. So you could always try contacting the local archive?
I wish I could do more digging on my genealogy but the only easy ways to do it online as of yet don’t really stretch all the way to Finland. My mom’s been tracking our family tree for a while, so I just keep up with what she finds, but it’d be fun if I could do some hunting on my own, you know?
Yeah, I sort of took over for my mom, but I’ve been focusing on my dad’s side because we don’t know ANYTHING about them. They are a mysterious bunch.
My mom’s cousin spent a trip to Ireland just looking up old records; make a field vacation out of it!
Ohhhhhh I would LOVE to just take a field vacation to study family history, but it would mean interacting with my maternal grandmother, and I’d rather gouge my own eyes out with my fingernails. She is a miserable woman.
I got really into it not too long ago and had a ton of success on my dad’s side, but I found it kind of disappointing because it was just German anabaptists as far as the eye can see. No one ever married anyone who was not also a German anabaptist farmer named Johann/Barbara.
I have some moderately useful family trees that various relatives have done (going back three or four generations, with a few spots reaching to seven or eight). There is a pretty good part of me that wants to try to do more, especially what with the internet and all these days, and also to diagram the two sides of my family together, and then add my husband’s family, and then the baby will… I dunno, have a giant family tree to look at?
I am afraid that I would never accomplish anything else if I started all that though.
Also I will take this moment to share that a friend’s dad likes to go visit distant relatives’ cemeteries, and once found a headstone that read “whatshername, years, She Hath Done What She Could,” which is the sort of amazing thing you do not see unless you get crazy into doing genealogy most likely.
I’m starting to get into it a little more – on my mother’s side some lines go back to Les Filles du Roi of Canada, so my French-Canadian ancestors have been in the new world for a few hundred years. On my dad’s side, the English/Irish/Welsh ancestors also immigrated to Canada a few generations back, but both sides ended up in the US within the last 2 or 3 generations.
I COULD HAVE BEEN CANADIAN.
One of my relatives put together a huge thing a couple years ago that goes back to the 1600s, which is pretty cool – it starts before the Dutch had last names (Napoleon made them do it in the 1800s for tax reasons) so I get to see how that naming convention worked. Also it makes me want to learn how to pronounce Dutch so I can actually say their names. Also also, for some reason Cornelius/Cornelia are REALLY popular names in my family.
I hadn’t really gotten into genealogy before, but! My mom and I have been planning a trip to Austria, and we thought we’d like to see where my great-grandmother (her grandmother) was from while we’re there, because she came to the US from that area in the 1900s. My uncle had her birth certificate and sent a scanned copy of it my way, but the writing was UNPOSSIBLE to read, being in that old-timey fancy script and also in German, which my knowledge of is sketchy. SO, we asked around and I ended up getting in touch with a German professor at the college where I work–and lo and behold, we found out that the area my great-grandma probably was from was part of the Austro-Hungarian Empire at the time, but is now a part of Slovenia! I was surprised about how emotional and excited I got over it, and now we’re planning a side trip to Slovenia. It makes me want to know more!
So, you know, never give up hope! I really want the death certificate to help you out in your search. 🙂
My brother, aunt, and I have been collaborating on ours for a while and it’s surprisingly fun! We ran into the same thing, though. We traced one branch way back, but the others are pretty short since they’re either First Nations (no birth certificates, sometimes no last names), or would require us to know Latvian or Belgian and we don’t.
Family trees are great fun! Someone on my grandad’s side of the family was clearly playing genealogy to win, because we ended up receiving this giant family tree from them that wound all the way back to the goddamn DOMESDAY BOOK, I shit you not. It’s a fascinating document, I used to roll it out on the floor (only way you could read it, it was so huge) and just trace my fingers back along the years.
It’s weird though, as I have this extreme level of information about one quarter of my family, but the rest beyond three or four generations is totally unknown. One of mum’s cousins apparently started investigating, but pulled up short when it was discovered that the reason great-great-grandma changed her surname all the time without evidence of husbands was because she most probably was a prostitute, and I mean really, that’s the sort of information that would have made me go gung-ho into the project, not stop!
Who has awesome housemates? How did you find them? We are in housemate rotation AGAIN, and I just can’t with people anymore. (If you are/want to be in DC and would like to be an awesome housemate, speak up!)
When I lived in a DC group house, we did the Craigslist roulette thing, and we really lucked out. Major factors for our success were: (1) a detailed but cheery but not-too-jokey ad, (2) good pictures of the room and common areas, and (3) picking candidates to meet with one-on-one instead of inviting everyone to an open house.
Good luck! I hope you find a Toast-caliber person to live with!
Yeah, I am not in charge of our Craigslist ad right now, and I think the one we have is not helping us. We are great at interviewing people, just not at finding people we’ll like. Maybe I will try to take over the ad next week.
(We are also not a typical 6-person DC group house, but a small cluster of ladies with independent lives and good cleaning skills, and finding other people who would rather live in a house than a studio apartment is tricky. Ughghghgh. People shouldn’t be allowed to move out.)
I saw your Craigslist ad and was very tempted! (If you are the DC book club person I think you are, and I think you are.) The space looked bigger and cheaper than my current apartment plus it is right around the corner from where I take my music lessons. but it said no pets and also I have never tried to carry on daily instrument practice in a shared living situation but I assume it would end in everyone murdering me. But it was a really appealing ad, if that helps. (I am sure it doesn’t help.)
(I am that person! The pets thing is secretly negotiable, and we have musical people–one housemate plays some kind of flute-like contraption, and I am attempting to learn the mandolin. It’s a big house and we keep different hours, so it works okay if you’re willing to listen to other peoples’ noise occasionally. Please continue to be tempted!)
nooo way, I am also attempting to learn the mandolin! you will probably find a suitable person well before I make up my mind about how badly I want to move, but if I go to another toast-affiliated meetup sometime I am going to talk to you about mandolins.
Oh, excellent! I have just finished my two-month rental/trial period and am trying to decide what to do now, so we will definitely have to talk about this sometime!
I have no advice, but just have to say that the DC group house culture is WILD. Best story: a friend was doing rounds of interviews (yes, interviews) for group houses and halfway through one interview-dinner a resident asked her: “Do you have an issue with hearing frequent, loud, bondage sex?” She decided she did! So she did not choose that house. But she did enjoy the rest of the dinner and they were kind enough to patiently answer the many questions she had.
Good luck!
I’ve craigslisted some really amazing housemates! Pretty much seconding cuminafterall’s advice – we did almost the exact same thing and it worked wonderfully. We also were pretty intense with the interviewing because we got a lot of responses (phone chat and then in-person with our favorite 4 people), and being very upfront about the type of house community we were trying to create was helpful. I don’t know much about DC group housing, but most people I know here in Portland live in shared houses, so it might be that there’s a larger pool of people applying here.
Good luck!! Housemate hunting can be stressful but it sounds like you’re doing all the right things to find someone great.
Hiiii would you mind sharing some more details?? I’m in DC-area and trying to move and having a nightmare of a time (i h8 u dc rent world).
Absolutely! E-mail me (“wonder and uncertainty” at gmail) and I will tell you all about it!
It’s PUKING snow outside my window and frankly, I’m sick of winter. Born and raised in a Vancouver suburb, snow is a WTF concept and today, more than ever, I miss the rain, the greenery and overall lushness that is Lotus Land.
SO, any Van Toasties up for an April or May hookup? The three mountain passes that stand between me and the Stanley Park sea wall should then be free of snow.
Oh, and here’s a special Valentine for Nicole:
OH MY GOD.
*cough*
Happy Friday! And if you celebrate it, Happy Valentine’s Day! It’s just Friday ’round here because The Fella has to work tonight, so we’re postponing our annual Valentine’s Day pizza-and-horror-movies celebration a few days.
If you’re looking for alternative Valentine films, may I immodestly point you in the direction of my article right here on The Toast? And if you have any excellent low-profile horror suggestions that I might have missed, I’m listening.
I love those film suggestions! It’s been too long since I watched Picnic at Hanging Rock. And Pontypool is now in my Netflix queue.
As far as excellent low-profile horror suggestions go, have you seen The Eclipse? Scary, occasionally satirical, with a lovely, sad, understated performance by Ciaran Hinds.
I have seen it and recommended it enthusiastically. What a weird little gem of a movie that is.
Unrelated: is it possible that I recognize your username – that is, if you’ve been blogging under that name for, say, ten years? I think you and I might be blog-acquainted from waaaaay back.
I have been! (Blogging under that name for the last ten years, that is.) I think I recognize your handle, too. Small online world!
I am back from my month-long expedition to south america to collect tiny plants! As soon as I got back I got some killer south american flu that knocked me off my fevered feet for about a week. And then did NOT get my dream job that I applied for. But I am somehow feeling okay about it all. My husband just bought me Spinal Tap yesterday as an early gifty and I watched most of it with commentary, so have been giggling about that all day. Nigel4Lyfe!
Your field work sounds so interesting! You should submit a Gal Scientist about it!
thanks – planning on it. Only I’m not sure if I should write something just about the science, or something more about my own personal relationship to science and its intersection with religion…. thoughts?
write them both!
I would read both! I mean, obviously.
hi, you!
hi yourself! I’m excited to hear about this.
please write for us all about tiny plants! (Air plants? or other types?) And what it’s like to work in the field in this way in the 21st-c — it sounds like such a 19-c occupation! and also whether you ever do botanical illustration or know people who do! I would be fascinated!
Very 19-c! You could basically read Elizabeth Gilbert’s new novel and have a good sense of what I do, only probably with better microscopes. The life of a plant taxonomist! Boring/Interesting!
So, I remember a discussion in a previous open thread about chiropractors, and how to determine whether or not they are legit, but I can’t find it! I’m having a bunch of neck/shoulder pain that is leading to terrible headaches, and I’m pregnant, which apparently means I can’t take my goddamn excedrin. I feel like massage would help a lot, but I have no money and it’s not covered by insurance. I would prefer not to spend the next 8 months suffering through this bullshit. So I guess I am looking for any of the following: 1) advice about chiropractors (Chicago-specific recommendations accepted!), 2) a link to that previous comment thread, 3) any alternative methods to ending ongoing headaches?
2 suggestions!
(1) Search Groupon for deals on massages, you can usually find something!
(2) Lavender Feverfew Extract has basically cured me of migraines. It was recommended to me by a very hippified acupuncturist & life coach which sounds dubious but has a cult following for a Reason. Note: I still take 2 Advil + Extract, but the extract prevents the pain from even STARTING after I see the auras.
Chiropractic adjustment can do wonders for headaches!
I will say though, that as a fellow pregnant lady who misses the shit out of anti-inflammatory drugs, my chiro is not able to move anything for me unless I have recently had a massage… If you can’t afford a real massage, at least get someone to rub your neck and shoulders for a while before your appointment…
Also though, know that incurable headaches are sometimes just a pregnancy thing – hormones and whatever. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to solve it! Also you can have Tylenol, which I know is basically useless, but it does help a little…
I think I started that thread, so you can probably find it if you click my name. I saw a chiropractor a few times, but eventually it seemed like a waste of money and I stopped.
I’m 7 months pregnant now, and the best back things I have found are 1) a body pillow – I have a snoogle – and 2) an electric massager, and the best thing to make headaches disappear was taking my prenatals with orange juice to help my body absorb the iron.
Ouch, I hear you. And I miss my Advil every goddamned day. I keep my eyes on the prize: right after I gave birth last time, I got a big ol’ bottle of heavy-duty Motrin for every single twinge and ache I might have had.
Chiros: I am also very skeptical, but I’ve had luck in finding the places that treat the local ballet company/football team/other high-level athletic people.
I went to Aligned here in chiberia for a bit, they’re all about science and do an xray when you first come in and all that good stuff.
Also, related to Mallory’s thing last(?) week about things that you think you’d be good at if you just bothered to try them: what’s a very specific skill that you have that you daydream about coming up in real life but never does?
For me, it’s balloon decor – not balloon animals (my skills there are limited to “variations on dog”) – but, like, columns & arches & that thing where you put one balloon inside another balloon. But I work at a law firm now, and I don’t throw parties that would need that kind of decoration (and it’s ‘spensive anyway), so I never get to do that anymore. I’m waiting for the day when I overhear the event planning committee going “we want balloons at this party, but we don’t understand them! Someone come help!” and then I can swoop in and save the day.
GREAT topic. I am really, really good at not laughing (v. useful for games at church camp). I am just waiting for the day this becomes useful in real life.
Ohh man, I am super-good at the not-laughing part of that game, and terrible at the making people laugh part (I mean, I can make people laugh in real life, just not when that’s the focus)
Maybe we can hang out and just sort of like, squint intently.
Star Wars trivia. I have been studying my whole life, and It’s only been useful (for very, very specific uses of that word) like twice.
Also, I guess, just random movie quotes. I tend to memorize movie quotes without intending… that is rarely ever helpful.
Balloons! I used to work at a summer camp, and I once succeeded in blowing up three balloons inside of one another. To this day, that remains my proudest accomplishment (it took me a solid half hour to do). Then I found two pink balloons that were stuck together in such a way that they looked like boobs.
But that’s much less classy than your balloon decor sounds!
Okay, but if we aren’t supposed to think they look like boobs, they should look less like boobs.
I dream of the day when my highly detailed knowledge of specific video games and anime/manga will be the answer to some kind of secret code.
One day, everything will come down to my ability to sing the original Pokerap from memory. I’m sure of it. I’m sure of it…
Mine is using my “skill” of being able to come up with songs based on any keyword or topic (which I can’t really do, for everything, but whatever). Mostly so I can show of how truly eclectic my music tastes are (they’re not really god I’m such a nerdjerk).
And/or, my ability to know all of the lyrics and phrasing to Disney songs. *throws self away*
I’m really good at memorizing poems. Sadly, there are no real situations in which someone reciting Keats’s “Ode to Autumn” would save the day. It’s a very specific and very limited superpower.
Happy Valentine’s from Tina Belcher!
Guys I am SO unhappy at my job and I think they’ve sensed it because they hinted that I’m not doing enough here to pull my weight and let’s face it, I don’t because I’m super unhappy. If the structure of this place was different and I was working with a different team than maybe I’d stay (I love my other boss but I only work with her on maybe 1 project a week or so versus 8-10 with the boss who is super critical and demanding) but I don’t know how long I can hold out here. The good news is that, while I found out I didn’t get the job from the interview last week (the boss was kind of dudebro-y even though the company seemed interesting so I’m not crushed) but I had a great interview at this place I interned at two years ago and I think they really liked me, so we’ll see. I don’t have any other opportunities lined up right not but I’m so miserable I might have to quit even if I don’t get the new job.
You have my sympathy. I’m pretty much in the same boat (well, they don’t seem to have noticed that I don’t pull my weight, but that’s just their lack of observation.)
Yeah, I’m playing that game too. I have an interview on TUESDAY though that I am really tentatively hopeful about.
I hope you get the job!
quit! quit! quit!
Quit before Toronto Toast pt. 2!
So you can drink and brag about it.
It took until February to hit me, but god, the winter blahs. I AM SO TIRED OF COLD AND SNOW AND GRAY SKIES. I WANT SUN AND I WANT TO WEAR LESS THAN FIVE LAYERS WHEN I GO OUTSIDE. I haven’t even had the energy to keep up with the Toast. Thank goodness for the three-day weekend ahead, otherwise I would probably just quit my job and hibernate until spring.
On the bright side, my phone interview went well, I think, and my roomie and I are throwing a Valentine’s Day party tonight. Heart-shaped tiramisu cupcakes, y’all.
I also have the winter blahs. Halfhearted winter blahs fistbump? On the rare occasions that the sun comes out from behind the clouds I start behaving like a cat in a sunspot, it’s pretty ridiculous. I just want to go where the sunlight is shining and sit there and bask.
Huzzah for the phone interview! Fingers crossed for you!
Oh yes. We are due for another big snow today and I am so tired of digging my car out all the time, and ESPECIALLY parallel parking over that ridge of snow that seems to last for weeks around cars on a plowed street. Also I am so tired of moving my car onto little side streets so it doesn’t get towed if it is declared “snow emergency”. I sort of like driving in snow, to be honest — going slow in the dark while the world is muffled and unpredictable and the gravel trucks swish by making that little jolt that causes swoops of gravel to bounce out onto the road in front of you– but parking in it is the worst. Bghuuu, cars and snow!
I get to see a broadcast of the National Theatre’s Coriolanus tomorrow! Trying to decide if I should tell my non-Shakespeare nerd, non-fan of gore partner how it ends. What’s worse–spoiling the ending or surprising him with a gruesome and tragic finale?
Why do I keep agreeing to proofread my mothers books
Oh yeah, cause she pays me £50 for 5 hours work. That would be it.
Anyone have recommendations for books on feminist theory written in the past 20 years? Ideally past the 101 level.
well i happen to be taking feminist theory in school right now and here are the books we are reading:
Joan Williams, Reshaping the Work-Family Debate: Why Men and Class Matter (2010)
Melody Berger, ed., We Don’t Need Another Wave: Dispatches from the Next
Generation of Feminists (2006)
bell hooks, Feminism is for Everybody: Passionate Politics (2000)
Julia Serano, Excluded: Making Feminist and Queer Movements More Inclusive (2013)
Jessica Spector, Prostitution and Pornography: Philosophical Debate about the Sex
Industry (Stanford Univ. Press, 2006).
Nancy Maclean, The American Women’s Movement, 1945-2000 (2009)
hope this helps!
Hey, good deal!
I definitely recommend bell hooks if you haven’t already read her stuff, she has a few books that are more recent and I want to read more of her stuff. The ‘We Don’t Need Another Wave’ book is cool because it’s a bunch of different essays from different people so you get a lot of perspectives. The others are more specific if you’re interested in work, prostitution, or trans issues and they’re all interesting. The last one is a collection of historical feminist texts/pamphlets/essays some newer and some older. Happy reading!
Awesome, this is exactly the kind of thing I was looking for. Thank you!
Do any of you wear those running tights? If so, serious question: what do you do for underwear?? Because I would like to move away from running sack-pants, but not if it means wearing an exercise thong (a thing?) Is it like ballet where you’re not supposed to wear any underwear? I have been wondering this for a while and have not known whom to ask.
I wear short spandex shorts. My sister was a rower and that’s what they wore to practice in a lot, because loose shorts can catch on the seats – a la http://www.sportsauthority.com/family/index.jsp?c…
I get mine at Marshall’s for >$15 or so. You end up with a line on your thigh (like a pantyline but lower) BUT, as my mother would say, “I’d rather they know I’m wearing underwear than not!”
The shorts also help in re-wearing your tights/leggings, if you don’t own a lot of pairs/don’t want to do laundry all the time.
No underwear!
I always get confused when I wear tights + a dress: is my underwear supposed to go on before the tights or over or not at all?? (this question has only arisen twice in the past 5ish years). I’ve done ballet for too long to know what other people do.
Definitely before if you are wearing some! You don’t have to, but many tights are too synthetic and give me a really sweaty crotch. So, wear underwear, and put them on first.
“sweaty crotch” This will help me remember the order! Thanks!
I wear underwear, because I don’t want just spandex down there. *shrug* I don’t know if that’s the Right Thing or not, but you know what? I really don’t care. If you’re checking out my butt when I’m playing sports (because that’s my only running context) and notice that underwear exists, okay. It’s probably a festive pattern, but you don’t get to know that part. Do what makes you most comfortable!
Thank you all, this has been TREMENDOUSLY HELPFUL.
I wear underwear! Under the wear. I usually go for thong-type situation so it’s not particularly noticeable.
no underwear = no chafing. for real.
i think some “athletic” companies like patagonia, etc, make underwear specifically for athletic activities, as well.
When I bike in my spandex, I wear regular underwear, because usually my coat comes down over my butt. Also if I’m on a long ride with butt-pad bike shorts, no one can see anything but foam. But when I’m climbing I generally wear a black thong, because I’ve had too many “oh wait, these leggings are thinner than I thought” moments.
Grad School Toasties: How did you decide which program was ~the one~ for you? I’m realizing that I have to find a place to spend the next 6 years of my life and I’m so excited but also terrified to screw it up horrendously…
I decided by how much free booze they gave me at the meet & greet weekend. (Do not necessarily recommend)
If I had it to do over again, I’d pick the one where I’d end up in the least debt.
Depending on your field, you may also want to factor in the degree to which the prestige of the institution matters to your future career, who is available to teach you certain specific sorts of things (though beware, they could decide to decamp to South Africa halfway through your first semester and never come back…). Also do not underestimate the importance of the city you will be living in!
why do pesky things like money actually matter. *sigh*
Geography, really. I was accepted into two programs and went to the potential students’ weekends at both. The costs were going to be similar. I liked the program in NYC and the name of the school holds a lot of clout, and I decided I would rather live there vs the other location.
I think whatever program you end up in, you are going to have your misgivings with it. It’s hard to see a program’s faults without actually attending the school. My tip is to *grill* a current student.
I feel like the program I instinctively like more post interviews isn’t necessarily the *best program*, or even the best for me in particular; and it’s definitely not in the city I like more and so I’ve been neglecting other work and twiddling my thumbs and having kittens…
It’s a stressful decision; good luck!
In state tuition and geography. But I feel like an MLS is held to less rigorous standards than your better class of graduate program. And it should be.
Faculty age + the number of associated faculty who I could potentially work with in addition to my main person. This is particularly important if your potential advisor is going to go on leave or retire during some critical stage in your program. Having a big group of people you could potentially work with is GREAT.
Also, if you really don’t like the other students you meet at the open house, that’s worth taking into account. I don’t know about your program, but my classmates and I spend a lot of time together, and it makes me really happy that they are (almost) all kind, sensible people.
Also, ask about time to degree–you want a place that will encourage you to keep up momentum and get out fast, not a place that sees grad students as a nice source of exploitable labo(u)r.
Geography + stipend (I went to the place that paid me the most). Congratulations!!
I would really strongly recommend asking to talk to the current students of your potential advisor before signing on. My supervisor could be really difficult/only worked well with a certain kind of person and it’s important to know stuff like that before you get stuck.
Oh man, I am someone who did in fact screw it up horrendously, and I ended up leaving my PhD program empty-handed and broken-spirited, so… hear my cautionary tale!
For best effect, you should picture me as the Ancient Mariner from Rime of the Ancient Mariner, accosting you in the darkness outside a wedding feast with long grey beard and glittering eye, to tell you the story of my cursed shipwreck.
I applied to PhD programs in two subjects (math and applied math), and the only “top” program that I got into was in applied math, and I was seduced by its prestige. Also, I liked applied math. Maybe not as much as normal math but whatever. And at that point, I was haunted by uncertainty about my future, and at the same time felt like I had to keep up the appearance of competence and success, so I loved the thought that not only would I know where I would be living for the next five years, but also I would have an impressive-sounding answer to “What are you doing after college?”
When I visited as a prospective student, the students I met tried to warn me that I should only go there if I wanted a PhD from that program more than anything else. They answered my question “Are you happy here?” with “No, but it’s where I need to be.” I thought this was an odd answer, but didn’t think more on it.
If only I had.
When I left, I thought I was leaving because I could take no more pain: it was a brutally difficult program, I didn’t understand my classes, the professors (while brilliant) were not good teachers, and I didn’t fit in with the other students – it was like middle school all over again. But in spite of all that, I think that if I had actually had a truly good reason to be there, I could have endured it.
Here’s a truly good reason to get a PhD in a field: because you love that field with all your heart and can’t see yourself without a PhD in it.
All who pursue PhD’s will eventually find themselves in a bleak and painful place. Only love can get them through that. Remember the Pit of Despair from The Princess Bride? And The Machine that sucks 50 years of life from Westley, and the unearthly noise he makes while it does so? The Machine is grad school. But Westley makes it through, because he has something to live for, namely True Love.
I did not feel True Love for applied math. I liked it, but mostly I just wanted somewhere to be for five years, preferably somewhere that would make me look good.
So my advice is to think about each program you want to go to, and what kind of pain you could withstand to get a PhD from there. Would you drink a quart of motor oil? Would you inject yourself with Windex? Would you sever a few of your fingers? (Okay, it’s not as bad as any of those things, but rather it’s a long and drawn-out kind of pain.)
Here’s an article about finding employment in Antarctica: http://antarctica.kulgun.net/Jobs/#reality. I link you to it not because you should consider Antarctica as an alternative to grad school, but because most of what it says about Antarctica also applies to grad school. I especially like the quote “If you have some sort of general dissatisfaction with your life, Antarctica is not the place to go to find yourself,” which speaks to my grad school situation quite well.
If your love and longing for a PhD from a given program, and all the doors the PhD would open for you, is NOT enough to withstand serious emotional turmoil and mental and physical exhaustion, then, for the love of all that is holy, don’t go to that program. And if that means not going to any PhD program right now, that’s okay! Really!! You can hold off on getting a PhD until later in life, or even live a fulfilling life without one!
But if you do love your subject so much that you must get a PhD in it, and you must get it now, then you should try to pick a place that has the resources you need to do the research you want to do, and a good department atmosphere, where the students all have each other’s backs and can get through the rough spots together. I know such programs exist; I have friends enrolled in them.
I wish you the best of luck in your choice and a happy life thereafter – the former of which is not necessary for the latter.
And don’t shoot any albatrosses!
Guys SERIOUS dilemma. It’s raining really hard, but I’ve been at home for most of the day and I’m feeling kind of antsy. If I made a real effort, I could probably get some kind of social thing together. OR I could bike to the grocery store for chocolate. Because my person is many, many, many kilometres away and I’m feeling sorry for myself and also because chocolate is awesome. Make the social effort, or go for the chocolate and keep watching New Girl?
I’d vote for chocolate and New Girl, but I will admit to being a bit of a hermit.
Oh that’s tough. But I think you should make the effort to do the social thing. The immediate relief of chocolate is nothing compared to actually having fun. And I say that as a chocolate and New Girl loving introvert.
Unless of course you don’t actually want to see people, but feel like you should see people. Because then you should just chocolate your heart out.
Seconded. If you want to see people, see people. People are more helpful than chocolate in some circumstances.
… is there any pressing reason not to do both? You could join the people for the social thingie out in the world, then head home with chocolate for more “New Girl.” That kinda sounds amazing to me.
Get chocolate and use it to lure people to you? That way you can be social with less effort.
I went with the chocolate, and I am pleased with my decision.
That’s what matters! What kind of chocolate?
It’s calling itself ‘friendly dark.’ I don’t really know what that means but I am definitely feeling pretty friendly with it.
My favorite cat-lady coworker just told me her cat has a sex toy. Because he was fixed late in life he’s struggling to accept his new body. Also, his name is Mister Bates. So I’m basically dying.
Every single detail about this story is amazing.
This is my favourite story.
omg omg omg omg
like a stuffed female cat? or a people sex toy? either one is making me giggle
Please describe the sex toy. If you don’t know, go ask her!
Please! I am so curious how that works, and cannot google “cat sex toys” at work. Also, I’m scared of what would come up if I did.
I can’t Google that either- but thinking about the NS person who is on that task force because it might be a “code word”
Apparently it’s a rolled up blanket that was a Christmas present from her boss, a lady who is not the most well-liked person in the universe. So it feels very cosmically fitting.
omg. omg ahahahahaha.
you sure he’s a “Mister” and not a “Master”? a ha… ha… ha…
I’ll leave now.
We got my (male) cat fixed pretty young and he has still taken to humping my boyfriend’s and my feet/legs when we’re trying to sleep. Maybe I can get him a stuffed cat to go after instead?
i swear to god this is how i know i am a terrible person because i love my cat but if he did that on the regular i would have him killed and not lose a single second of sleep over it
i don’t even mean “hump my feet” i mean display any signs of sexuality whatsoever. this is my house. you have no sexual rights here, cat.
Hi Toasties! I’m new to commenting here though I’ve been reading since the beginning. I am trying to work on a freelance project right now, but I really don’t want to do it. It doesn’t help that there isn’t a hard deadline on this job. And it doesn’t matter that I actually am interested in the job, which makes no sense as shouldn’t I spend my time trying to avoid things I dislike, not things I like? I still have a hard time forcing myself to sit down and do it. Does anyone want to share their self-motivation tricks?
No-deadline deadlines are the hardest. I always have to set myself an arbitrary deadline and set up a modest reward for meeting it. And then I always try to bargain myself into a deadline extension, but it doesn’t work because I AM MERCILESS.
Good luck! You can do it!
I do not have any motivating tricks, unless you respond well to bribes (eat three M&Ms per page! (except that I just eat all the M&Ms right away and then go take a nap)). But I bet you are not working on it *because* you are excited about it, and you are worried about doing a good enough job. Stop worrying! You will do a great job. You will do an even better job if you start now.
I have a really hard time making myself sit down and focus too, so what I do that works for me is setting a kitchen timer for 15-20 minutes and then telling myself that as soon as I press the button, I have to do nothing but work until the timer goes off. It helps me get over blocks, because then when I hit a patch where my mind just goes blank or I start to wander, I see the timer ticking down and go, Ohhh noo, gotta keep going! and then my mind vomits something up. And usually when the timer finally does go off, I’ve gotten into a groove and am prepared to keep going for another round.
Also, when I was in grad school I did something similar with an internet block-out app that dismantled my browsers from working for a set amount of time. I had a Mac at the time and used selfcontrolapp.com. Worked like an anxiety-inducing, “oh God I can’t go on without Netflix, okay I’m forced to work now” charm.
To celebrate Valentine’s Day my gf and I are going to get In-N-Out and watch the Lego movie. And I ordered a batch of those Pacific Rim Valentine’s Day cards that Nicole posted awhile ago, so we’re gonna give them out to all our friends.
Let us know how the LEGO movie is!
Can we talk about The Goldfinch?? It came up a few weeks ago, but not in its own thread.
I really really liked it for probs about 500 pages, but then found the ending (by which I mean last 100 pages, pretty much) INTOLERABLE. Ughhh.
YES!!!
As soon as he started speaking in “As if anyone will read this” language, I wanted to die.
Also (spoilers), what the hell, he KILLS SOMEONE.
YES EXACTLY! Exactly that part. That’s when I was like, “Well, this book now sucks.”
Thank you! This makes me so happy! Also, I had some trouble with the character in general–I get it, you have attachment issues, but that doesn’t mean every single decision you make has to be one that makes me say, “Oh, Theo, don’t” out loud. I didn’t buy that a kid so smart, forced to grow up so quickly, would be as dumb as he tended to be.
oh man, i still havent finished.
Oh, I meant to say! I made the tofu enchiladas yesterday and they turned out GREAT. Thanks for the tips, everyone!
(For reference: I crumbled up a block of tofu in a pan, added a packet of taco seasoning and 2/3 c water, and cooked on medium heat about 15 minutes until it was thick and little creamy. Succulent.)
Mmmmm
Glad it worked out! Sounds delish!
This is good to know!
I just came forward about some sexual harassment I’d experienced, because I found out other people were experiencing it too – and now I’m scared and anxious about how it’s going to sort out, and really really angry that it happened and that it happening to me wasn’t reason enough to go forward – it had to be in the service of protecting someone else. Do y’all have advice about feelings and also pressuring authority figures into doing the right thing?
*hugs* good job coming forward.
My main reason for reporting was pretty much for the next victim. I totally understand! As feminists, we’ve probably read more bad experiences people have with reporting and never have read about a positive one.
I don’t have any advice re: authority figures, but I do think that we’re often socialized into accepting the bad things that happen to us to a degree that makes it difficult for women to stand up for themselves, and easier to stand up for other people. I wish I had any better advice for how to come to terms with those feelings, but I can say I don’t think you’re alone in feeling that anger. If you can find a way to turn that anger against the things that made it hard to stand up for yourself, and not turn that anger on yourself, that might help. I wish I had better advice for you but I think you’ve done a great thing and would like to give you a hug and also yell at your harassers. A lot. A lot a lot a lot.
I don’t have anything to add, just, thanks for coming forward. I was very much sexually harassed by a boss when I was a teenager, but I was too young to know just how wrong it was.
Thank you all for the advice and support!
Can anyone tell me what The Bartender is eating this wk? Because I cannot figure it out.
It looks to me like a french fry leaning against a weird glob of ketchup on a block of ice.
Blood-filled seashell on ice: traditional diet of the spinster sea-witch
SOLD / OBVI
An oyster with way too much ketchup? I don’t know. I don’t want to look too closely…
my first thought was a pile of raw tuna??
Seconding this, because the alternatives are too horrifying to comprehend.
a pig heart
A string cheese propped up against a heart of some kind? On an ice plate for some reason?
I realized something last night that I probably should have realized many years before this… but I’ll take it.
Flirting without expectations of where it might lead is a lot of fun.
My sort of newish boyfriend sent me roses at work. And they are lovely! But it makes me feel weird and I cannot really explain why.
Ohhh, I feel those feels. My newish boyf didn’t send me flowers at work but I was sort of expecting him to and just the anticipation made me feel weird. The mixing of work life and life life just makes me uncomfortable. So I am relieved he didn’t send me any but also a little sad that he didn’t send me any. I’m basically a mess.
I don’t really talk about my personal life much in the office, because I am a hot fucking mess and also it’s none of their business, so it’s making me uncomfortable because people are coming by and making comments.
“Ooooooooooooh! Who sent you flowers?” , “Do you have a BOYFRIEND now?”
Which, I am not entirely comfortable calling him my boyfriend yet.
My personal pet theory is sometimes all things about a holiday (especially a societal pressures land mine like Valentine’s Day) can make you feel weird, even if they’re good things. This theory brought to you by my first bout of existential anguish, the Christmas I was 15 years old lying on a pile of wrapping paper and wondering why I didn’t feel happy enough.
Valentines Day is weird, and the beginning of relationships are weird.
Perfect storm of weird.
I am emotionally supporting a good friend while she watches Friday Night Lights for the first time and it’s the best.
I recently finished reading The Red Rose Crew, which anyone who loves Title IX and 1970’s feminists should read. I have aspirational heroes like Eleanor Roosevelt and Alice Paul and etc but in terms of everyday heroes, ladies like them are my number one.
omg I just started watching. I always see references to it pop up in blogs or shows I love, so I figured it was time.
GUYS GUYS MY WEDDING DRESS CAME! I KNOW MARRIAGE IS A TOOL OF THE PATRIARCHY BUT MY WEDDING DRESS CAME AND I’M SO FUCKING EXCITED!
We need pictures of your dress. I referred to mine as my bondage dress until my mother in law and my mother made me stop.
MATT DON’T LOOK AT THIS COMMENT.
It’s this one, because I cannot figure out how to upload a photo of me in the dress to the comments. http://www.sarahseven.com/#!golden-lights-gown/zo…
That is GORGEOUS!
that’s beautiful!! nice choice 🙂
Beautiful! I’d want to wear it RIGHT NOW
Oh my goodness. That is a grown-up’s fairy princess dress if I ever saw one.
Totally worth being a victim of the patriarchy to get that dress.
So sparkly!
Omg “bondage dress” I need to start calling it that!
You guys, my kid made the most adorable valentines cards for her classmates today using a hand-drawn picture of Fone Bone and Thorn that we found online. I’d put the picture here, but I forgot how to do that.
My heart beats for you, my pookie so true
I love you so mucher and muchest.
So say you’ll be mine, my sweet valentine,
From the Dook of Pook to the Duchess.
Happy Valentine’s Day to all! I am so sick that I straight up fainted last night, so cannot run about town being Cupid, and this is sad. But I guess it’s pretty okay to have a partner who makes me toast and tea and forbids me from operating heavy machinery. Day of love, you’re still pretty rad.
We’re getting a dog tomorrow!!! We found a dog that we liked on petfinder, went to visit him at the rescue, and realized he is a CRAZY ENERGETIC NUTSO dog who will need a lot of training and exercise. He is also the sweetest dog in the world and kept giving us hugs while we were playing with him. But we decided that we aren’t ready to adopt him…but we’re going to foster him! He’s been at that rescue for 5 months so they consider him a long-term resident, and they said a lot of people have passed him up because of he doesn’t have good “crate presence” at the rescue (basically he has a lot of energy and occasionally barks – probably out of anxiety and frustration). We’re hoping that if we get him in a stable home with lots of attention and exercise, he’ll become a really good dog that someone will want to adopt forever!
That’s awesome! And, I think, a very smart way of going about it.
Hey congrats! I have a crazy energetic nutso dog that got returned to the rescue by his first adoptive family for, well, being a crazy energetic nutso. Two years later … he’s still pretty nutty. But obedience training and regular exercise helps a ton and he’s a giant sweetheart. Good for you for helping this dog out. I hope he turns into a charmer!
Awww, my family got a hard to adopt rescue, too. He is the sweetest thing, but he’s a huge rottie-pitbull cross who mostly just wants to sleep all the time. The staff LOVED him, though, so when we came to see another one they told us “oh no, we’ve got a MUCH better dog than her” and they were very right.
Shopping time! I want a romper, bad. A soft soft romper to sleep in. Like this, maybe?
http://www.realsimple.com/beauty-fashion/clothing…
But Gap doesn’t sell that ish anymore. Recommends?
Circumstances have dictated that I’m my own valentine this year. So I bought some super fancy chocolate for myself. And later I’m taking myself to see The Philadelphia Story at my local theater. Yay!
Also, inspired by this week’s Toast, my girlfriends and I are having a Shining viewing party on Sunday. I am excited to make labyrinth lasagna! More excited to eat it, though.
All of that sounds awesome. I loved being my own Valentine, because there is LITERALLY no way to fuck it up.
What is labyrinth lasagna? (she asks in a comment even though there is a google search bar right there.)
It’s from the Shining viewing party post earlier this week. So basically just lasagna with a maze drawn on top in pesto. 🙂
a.k.a., hedge maze lasagne, one of the easy dinner options from my article on throwing a The Shining viewing party. It’s just regular ol’ lasagne with a simple labyrinth of herb or pesto painted on because oh my goodness, people, I already cleaned up the apartment and I am not also making a complicated dinner COME ON, which seems to be my primary entertaining philosophy these days.
Girl Named Jack, I am so goddamned tickled you’re having a The Shining party and please don’t picture me standing outside your window, frozen in the winter weather, gazing longingly in upon the festivities forever… and ever… and ever… because that might be weird.
I’m feeling terrible at work but I just had the idea to order a pizza as soon as I get home and I’m genuinely excited about it.
Also since it’s valentines day I should say that I’m seeing someone and it looks like it could be going places but there’s a part of me that’s been single for so long that I genuinely want to call him right now and tell him that the whole thing is off because I decided I would prefer to spend the rest of my life eating pizza in solitary peace
take to the sea with your pizza
he might like pizza too…? And he might be good at “together solitude” which is like being alone w your cat, but w another person, in a quiet yet consistent kind of way.
I mean everyone likes pizza but I’m so used to doing my own thing right now that I’m sort of panicking at the idea of doing anything else
I SO hear you! I’m sort of thinking of being a bit more pro-active about dating, but there’s the little voice going “Man you are REALLY good at this alone thing, are you sure you want to throw away all that hard work for something you’re not even quite sure you want in the first place?” Forever alone is actually kind of comforting!
Happy House of Cards Day, Toasties! I just finished my first week of freedom after quitting my much-hated job and it’s been amazing. I was scared for so long to quit without anything lined up, but I’m honestly happier than I’ve been in years. Just sending love to everyone out there hating their jobs– life can and will get better!
Think I’m going to spend the day reading advice columns and listening to Fiona Apple.
Fiona has Knowledge
When I did this after my last job and people asked what I was doing now I replied that I was “living the dream.” You go live that dream, my friend. Live it for all of us.
I need some book recommendations. Recently I’ve read and enjoyed:
*The Valley of Amazement, Amy Tan
*A Discovery of Witches, Deborah Harkness
*I Know I Am, But What Are You, Samantha Bee
*Divine Misfortune, A. Martinez
*Still Life with Breadcrumbs, Anna Quindlin
I also like Young Adult fiction (Hunger Games, Divergent, A Fault in Our Stars). No nonfiction unless it is a memoir. I prefer my nonfiction via audiobook, and I only listen to those on long drives.
In other news, today I get to see the baby again! I’m 7 months pregnant and measuring bigger than expected even though I’m not putting on much weight, and the last time we checked (a month ago) the baby was a week ahead of schedule, size wise. I don’t know what would make a baby huge (since I don’t have gestational diabetes), and I’m worried this will mean I’ll have to be induced early to avoid having a 10 lb. baby. Anyone know why my kid might be enormous?
Oh, also, please nothing where terrible things happen to pregnant ladies or mothers. Like, having their young daughters snatched away from them or having miscarriages, etc.
So…no more Amy Tan, then? Now that you’ve said it, I can ONLY think of books where terrible things happen to mothers.
NYC Hairpin book club read Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s Americanah recently, and that was terrific. I just finished Donna Tartt’s The Goldfinch last week and recommend the first ~650 pages. Now, YA, that is my wheelhouse. You should definitely check out Rainbow Rowell’s Eleanor & Park (which just won a Printz, hooray!), Emily Morgenstern’s The Night Circus, and Rebecca Stead’s When You Reach Me.
There’s a sequel to Discovery of Witches out now (Shadow of Night) with book three (Book of Life) out this summer! Only one of those things is immediately helpful, I realize.
There’s a bit of (spoilery!) pregnancy-loss related sadness in Shadow of Night, though, so possibly hold off on that for a bit.
I see that someone recommended Rainbow Rowell’s Eleanor & Park, which I read and recognized its brilliance but it made me sad because family issues, so I want to hop in here and say I recently read Rainbow Rowell’s Fangirl and it was the besssssssssssssst (especially if you like YA/college stories/fanfiction/fan culture). I read it and then immediately bought extra copies to give out as gifts.
I think you would be a great candidate for A.S. Byatt’s Possession (based on the Deborah Harkness).
Also seeing: I Capture the Castle, or maybe Marjane Satrapi’s Persepolis. Also Joan Aiken’s Wolves of Willoughby Chase series or The Incorrigible Children of Ashton Place series by Maryrose Wood for more of a YA/high-quality-children’s-book experience. (The Incorrigible Children series stars an intrepid governess, which as a teacher-type can be a lot of fun).
We are staying in and making fancy squid ink pasta with scallops and lobster, and it will probably be better than going out to eat on prix fixe night at a nice restaurant. I’m going to make oven s’mores, if I can track down any damn graham crackers in this city, and our favourite dive is having a Valentine’s show. It should be lovely. My (wonderful) partner is not great at big romantic gestures, but does the small things very well, and I’m pretty glad he’s mine.
But for now I’m going to sit here and frantically refresh Gmail and wait for news about summer jobs, because I need more stress in my life I guess.
My sore throat-stricken husband and I are going to our favorite bar for dinner, and then I’m going to try to convince him not to watch the Olympics for a few hours so we can do a Rifftrax. I’m thinking Thor, since that’s my least favorite among the Marvel cinematic universe. ROMANCE.
I just started a new job two weeks ago after searching for ages and it’s driving me up a wall. I don’t mind the work itself, but the job involves so much travel (with people I don’t like all that much) and the hours are so inconsistent, I never know when I’ll be getting home. Now that I’ve been there for a bit, it’s obvious that the company has a high turnover rate and no wonder.
I’ve been off for the last three days (presumably to make up for the fact that I worked over 40 hours in 4 days last week, despite the fact that this is a part-time position), so I’ve been working hard on putting in applications everywhere else that I can, but it’s so demoralizing to start over on this whole stupid process. None of these are forever jobs because I’m working on a move to a larger city with better job opportunities in the summer, but summer seems really far away right now.
Basically I just want someone who isn’t related to me to tell me it’s gonna be okay and that the job interview I went to today will pan out even though so many of them haven’t. Stupid work.
I won’t tell you the job interview today will pan out, but I will tell you that you are awesome and your job is sucky and it is very brave of you to start looking again, and you are clearly wonderfully smart and brave to be doing so, which does mean that things will be okay. Also I like your little avatar picture, that cat is adorable.
Do keep up the flattery, please. Everyone I’ve been moaning to agrees that my job is unreasonable in various regards, but none of them have told me nice flattering things about what my new search means about me yet. 😉
And my avatar is my lovely cat Daisy! She is the best. (Except when she’s scratching at my bedroom door at 1 AM.)
There’s basically no cat that is the best at 1AM.
The people I admire most consider job hunting a constant. They check ads once a quarter or once a month,
network constantly, end up with interviews at least once a quarter, even when happy with their current employment. That way, they always know what’s current in their industry and can switch to something better if it should appear. Smart managers operate as if their best people were being recruited at all times.
Would a shift in perspective help you? I feel for you, though. How well I know that feeling, starting over demoralization. Yes, it will be OK.
Hmm, I hadn’t thought about it that way. Most of the people whose work lives I know about aren’t in positions to do that kind of constant job hunting for various reasons, so it never occurred to me to keep on looking that way, but that is definitely a useful perspective to keep in mind. Thank you. I expect it’ll come even more in handy once I’m actually working in a field I’m interested in, instead of just what I can get where I’m living right now.
I have a first date tonight! Is it going to be super weird and awkward because it’s on Valentine’s Day? It’s an OKCupid boy and he picked the day.
It will make a great story if you end up getting married NO PRESSURE
Maybe he just forgot it’s Valentines Day. Probably.
Do YOU care that your first date in on V-Day? If you don’t, I’d just say Happy Valentines Day at the beginning, and not mention it again unless he does. If you do, you could mention that it seems a little awkward, and see what he says.
Then again, I am extremely transparent about awkward situations when I am uncomfortable, and not everyone is.
Is it possible he just picked “Friday” and didn’t think about the date? Because I have definitely accidentally asked people out on Valentine’s Day before. Hope it’s fun anyway!
We had talked about Valentine’s Day (in terms of chocolate) but it was a while before he actually asked me out, so I’m not sure if it was intentional or not? But this was also the only day that worked for both of us until mid-next week, so it might just be practical. Oh well, I guess I’ll find out!
I’m having a back-and-forth text conversation at work with my dad about molecular biology and the weather. DADS.
Can Texts With Dads be a new series? Mine was telling me to stay home from work yesterday because of a snowstorm. I half-thought he was gonna call and yell at my office for being open.
My dad only texts in all caps and uses ALL the blackberry emoticons no matter how many times I tell him they don’t show up on my iphone. DADS.
YES to texts with Dads. Yes, please
When it was still baseball season, my mom texted me saying that she was thinking about food deserts while watching the Pirates.
How are you folks doing, brain-wise? I’m pretty sure my meds need an adjustment, because this (“this” = mood swings, manic periods, low-level anxious feelings despite everything being okay, and dizzy spells) is exhausting.
I’m pretty close to crying at work from anger and stress and am debating just going home and working from home and actually you know what why was I even debating that it’s not like I’m getting work done here.
I may need some brain meds. Or a different job. Or just a different coworker.
Eeek–I upped my meds recently because one day I woke up in The Hole (my nickname for depression – it’s like being in a dirt hole in the ground but the walls are too steep and high to climb up and sleeping is nice so I just stay in The Hole.) The final straw was the day that I was at work for 8 hours and then came home and COULD NOT REMEMBER ONE THING I DID AT WORK. I couldn’t even remember if I had visited the Toast. Hole.
My brain is not happy with me at the moment – work stress is leading to lots of anxiety, occasional crying jags, and a complete lack of motivation. Thinking about going in to See Someone but that has never ever worked for me …
Go See A Different One. And then Another One. And Another. Keep at it. The Right One can help. You deserve better. Internet hugs from an anxiety/depression veteran.
Sometimes, there is no right one.
Does anyone else ever feel like this Quest for a Useful Therapist has uncomfortable similarities to dating? Like there are people who are SO confident that you just have to keep plugging away, and you will find the right one and yet the actual activity results in so much gloomy failure that you become certain that you are somehow Doing It Wrong?
I am just going to keep on randomly capitalizing words for now.
I moved to my current city in May, and about a week later my meds ran out. As a direct result of my anxiety and depression, I have not found a new doctor or therapist.
I do have a Dr. appointment in a couple weeks though, which I scheduled solely because I need a referral to a neurologist so I can get a new prescription for my anticonvulsants. (Why yes, I am the worst at taking care of myself.) Hopefully I will remember to bring up my need for antidepressants because boy, I have been In. A. Rut.
a) Thanks so much to everyone who gave me interview advice last week! I think it went well, and I definitely felt much more confident than I had for any other interview because of the advice you gave. Toasties are the best resource!
b) I hate this holiday very much and had to send the cheesiest e-mail for work to our e-mail list and it had hearts on it and I died a little inside when I clicked send. UGH to forced participation in this bullshit! (BUT someone liked it so much they e-mailed us back to say so and donated a bunch of money, so FINE I guess it was a good idea.)
c) There is a girl that I have now gone on two dates with and I definitely have a crush. She’s real real cute and really smart and interesting and funny and you know, all the good stuff. And I think she likes me too! Only problem: I think both of us are really shy about making the first move and there has been NO SMOOCHING. I feel like I left all my flirting skills behind when I took the train to Crushville, so please, wise Toasties: how do you ovary up and make a move?
Just do it! Don’t wait for the perfect moment. Or you could do it liberal arts school style and tell her you want to kiss her, and then discuss it for a while…
My first girlfriend just straight-up asked “can I kiss you?” the first time, which I found very sweet. So you could always take that route! I mean, you want to wait until you’re close enough to take action on it if you get the go-ahead. Don’t ask from across the table. But at a moment where you’re thinking “oh man, I would really like to kiss her, but I don’t want to be presumptuous?” then you could ask, (shyly? flirtatiously? put your own spin on it) and then if she says yes, just go for it. (I bet she’ll say yes. Good luck!)
Next to my office building is a hotel that many people at my workplace lunch/drink/conference at all the time. I know all the names of the bartenders. This weekend is the annual kink sex event there which always causes hilarious blushing and giggling by my colleagues. A few judgey remarks, but mostly just giggling and awkwardness. I find it hilarious.
I was actually all set to attend said event officially, since I am on the periphery of the kink scene, but it is expensive ($300-$1000 depending on what you want to do) and I have too many weddings to go to. However, I am going to sneak over after work and have a drink with my kind friends at the bar and here about the classes they’ve attended.
Anyone else have their personal and work lives intersecting in weird ways?
Guysss I just got scolded on another website for suggesting (POLITELY) to another commenter that, if he hates people pointing out gender stereotyping in his comments so much, maybe he should try avoiding gender stereotypes rather than using them and then adding a disclaimer like “I know this is a stereotype, no one blast me for it.” This is a blog that I really like reading and commenting on, and it’s really leaving a sour taste in my mouth that the mod is basically taking the position, “It is worse behavior for you to comment on someone else’s use of stereotypes than for them to make a comment relying on stereotypes in the first place.”
I KNOW WHO YOU MEAN and ugh I am so sorry. That person sucks.
Ah yes, I recognize your name from the AAM thread on yesterday’s Link Roundup, so I think you DO know who I mean. (I don’t even mind him that much, usually! And this particular comment was really innocuous, and I didn’t find it offensive — the only reason I commented was that someone else had pointed it out and he’d jumped all over them all “UGH, you knew that wasn’t related to my point, so why did you have to bring it up, everyone is always attacking me and calling me an evil misogynist,” etc., and… argh! Dude, if it wasn’t related to your point and you knew people would take issue with it then WHY DID YOU SAY IT.)
Is it bad that I really want to know where this is, now? I have zero shame about things like this (but feel shame that I have no shame, if that helps).
I didn’t want to rat out Mod Who I Disagree With out in the main body of the thread, but I feel better about doing it here in the collapsed replies! It was on Ask A Manager. Her comments section is generally very good, and I usually agree with her modding style, but she does sometimes prioritize “no fighting in the comments” over “no being an asshole in the comments,” so that the original asshole comment gets ignored but anyone saying “Hey, dude, you’re being an asshole” gets told to knock it off.
How many times does that commenter need to be told “You’re being sexist” before he gets it into his head that HE IS BEING SEXIST? Like, this drives me insane because it’s not even a “well I didn’t know I was being sexist” it’s just straight-up being a douchebag.
I’d wager that so long as the “Hey, you’re being sexist!” people keep getting scolded, he can do it an infinite number of times without having to internalize the truth of his sexism. After all, if people are getting told off for standing up to him, he’s getting the message that it can’t be allllllll that bad, right?
That stinks.
It infuriates me for reasons I can’t even begin to articulate. That entire comment string is beyond stupid–why do you even have to bring gender into it AT ALL? You don’t. You are just doing it to be a dick. And like…..how many times do you have to tell people “Not to be sexist but” before you think….okay, maybe what I’m saying is fucking sexist?
At first I actually thought you were talking about another frequent male commenter who stubbornly takes these uh… “conservative” stances. That guy drives me crazy but Alison never discourages him from commenting. I think she doesn’t like to push away the “regulars.” That’s her prerogative but it’s annoying when so often one stubborn person can railroad an entire discussion.
This winter is slowly killing me. I have no motivation to cook, so I need some ideas!! What blogs do you love? And what recipe can you not live without?
I just made some pasta with meyer lemons and it was a great combo of WINTER CARBS + BRIGHT CITRUSY flavors. Its from the Franny’s cookbook, but here it is online: https://www.inkling.com/read/frannys-simple-seaso…
6 TABLESPOONS OF BUTTER!!?? of course it’s going to taste good!
When you want winter comfort in food form (Perfectly Raised Waffles): http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2013/05/essential-…
When you want something decadent @ home (braised short ribs): http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2008/12/braised-be…
When you’re feeling Ambitious & have The Time (sweet potato gnocchi): http://ohmyveggies.com/how-to-make-sweet-potato-g…
My favorite food blogs are http://www.smittenkitchen.com and http://www.simplyrecipes.com. I like some of what is on http:///www.101cookbooks.com but ugh sometimes she is so gentrified San Francisco and vegetarian/vegan/I’m going to get rid of all the plastic in my kitchen that I can’t stand it? Seriously do not take my plastic wrap away from me dammit.
best recipes:
tomato sausage risotto (I use chicken Italian sausage in this, and significantly less spinach): http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2006/11/alexs-rest…
artichoke risotto (I use a can of artichokes): http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Arti…
beer braised carnitas: http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Beer…
I’m really into the recipes from the Flour Too cookbook but I don’t think any of those are online.
Yes, that tomato sausage risotto has gotten me through many a cold, gloomy night. I am lazy and use frozen spinach and it’s great.
Those carnitas look astonishing. On the list.
Also, I have made a bunch of the 101cookbook stuff in my day, I always end up disappointed that everything tastes more or less just like some salad-y mishmash of all the ingredients that went into it. Where is the magic, people???
Just had the risotto for supper tonight. It was great. Super easy and rich, perfect for this terrible wintery day!
If I may actually recommend another Toastie’s food blog, Miss Ellabell’s Eating With My Fingers is BEAUTIFUL: http://eatingwithmyfingers.com/
Even when I can’t eat the recipe due to meats, her writing style is such a divine balm that my soul feels fed and cared for.
I made this salad (with artichoke hearts instead of cucumber) and had it for lunch this entire week – it’s easy, quick, AND it gets better with age: http://www.thekitchn.com/recipe-spicy-chickpeas-w…
My coworker said she wanted to marry it and grow old together, so it comes pretty highly recommended.
This recipe from Budget Bytes, for vegan red lentil stew, is a regular staple for me. I make it at least once a month and it lasts me the better part of a week.
http://www.budgetbytes.com/2012/11/vegan-red-lent…
I’m not even vegan, it’s just that good, and SO FILLING. Best “I’m broke and I need to cook with cheap ingredients” recipe. I do use chicken stock though instead of vegetable broth.
This carrot soup is my all-time favorite winter recipe. They’ve got multiple spice options, but my favorite is basil/marjoram/thyme with sour cream. Served with a nice sourdough bread? The best thing. Also it’s *super* easy, which is nice.
Another of my favorite low-motivation winter meals is butternut squash and mac n’ cheese. It takes a long time, but it’s very low effort.
Cut a butternut squash (or an acorn squash) in half, and scoop out the seeds. Fill the well with butter and sprinkle the whole thing with brown sugar. Put the two halves face up in a pyrex dish with about a half-inch of water in it. Stick in in the oven at 400 degrees until it’s tender all the way through- about 30-45 minutes, depending on your oven and the size of the squash. Go relax while you’re waiting. (that’s my favorite part.)
Right before the squash is done, make your favorite boxed mac n’cheese. (I recommend adding some extra shredded cheese for delicious gooeyness.)
Serves 2 (with probable leftovers, again depending on the size of the squash). Enjoy. If you are a heathen like me, you can even shove the mac n’ cheese in the well and just mix them together. Delicious. (It is a very butter-heavy meal, though, so, uh, maybe add a salad. It’s good with salad.)
When winter makes me want to jump out the window, I really like beans and rice… I know it’s not a creative or exciting recipe but just beans, rice, some hot sauce, maybe some wilted spinach with garlic mixed in. It is comforting and easy enough that you don’t have to struggle with winter malaise to cook.
Any queer Toasties in or near Missoula, Montana? I’m considering a move there for Reasons, and I’m a little concerned that as a vegetarian atheist lesbian I… might not fit in?
ive never been, but I knew some people from Missoula that were queer, veg, & great. I bet you can find some good people.
I went to college in Missoula!!!
And…you will totally fit in, especially as a vegetarian lesbian, just sayin. Even though it’s in Montana, Missoula is like a liberal oasis. (I grew up in a different Montana town which is exactly what you imagine when you think of Montana.)
Aw, Zoo Town.
That is v reassuring! I’m considering the University of Montana for their Wildlife Biology program, and I’m terrified on multiple levels- I’ve lived in LA my whole life, I’d be an older student, I’d be far from everyone I know…I mean, part of the appeal is that I *want* to experience living somewhere Not LA, and I’m pretty adaptable, but I don’t want to be… idk, a Permanent Outsider, you know?
A) The wildlife bio program is awesome (so I’ve heard, anyway) (there’s wilderness right out your back door!) and B) UM is pretty good to nontrads (ok I used to be an advisor for a bunch of nontrads who said they were having a positive experience, so take that as you will).
You caught me right in the middle of considering returning in the fall for my MA, so I’m feeling super nostalgic for the place.
I can not figure out this commenting thing—someone help!!!
You seem to have done alright here!
this appears to be a comment! Congratulations!
haha thanks!! I thought making an account would mean my comments wouldn’t have to be approved, but I guess I was wrong and not patient enough to let them show up!
mine were like that the first day I signed up, but a few days / a week later, they show up immediately.
1. I had a dream this week that I was taking a yoga class with Shaquille O’Neal and he hit on me and I got freaked out and then my husband got into a fight with Shaq. I don’t know why. I am not a basketball fan, yoga fan, and I have no strong feelings about Shaq.
2. My husband left a doofy hilarious Valentine’s message on my facebook wall and my mom wrecked it by posting “Happy valentine’s day to a couple of cuties!!!!” and I’m going to delete it because MOM, STOP IT, NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU also it just sets me off. STOP THAT.
A friend’s facebook wall has a romantic message from her partner, and the first comment is her mother-in-law: “[partner’s name] SWEETIE ARE YO U ABLE TO DRIVE TO WROK OR ARE YOU SNOWED IN I CAN COME GET YOU???” and I laaaaaaaughed because I’m a monster, basically.
4 days a week, I work pretty early in the morning, and get done. 8 hours later, so if I’m scheduled to start at 5:00 AM, I’m done at 1:00 PM. For a while, I was trying to go to another job in the afternoons, but it was too much, so now I’m mainly alternating days instead of splitting them.
My problem is that when I get home in the afternoons, I’m lie, ah-ha, the day is my oyster! I am going to e queen of accomplishments! And then I watch Netflix while the dogs nap on me until the shame of my slothful life takes over, or my husband comes home. How does anyone do anything, ever?
I don’t know, sounds like you’re working pretty hard to me! It’s an 8-hr day, even if it ends at 1pm (god knows when you must be going to bed!).
If you really want to change it up, maybe set out ahead of time some project that is relatively relaxing so it’s out there and easy for you to flow into as soon as you get home — no little barriers to doing it versus watching netflix. That way you’ll form the habit you want to form — not the habit you feel unhappy about. That’s how I think about it anyway — we all have a limited amount of willpower, so it’s nice to fob off as much as possible into good habits that don’t actually use up much willpower anymore because they are kinda built-in.
I spent Four Hours of my day watching the men’s free skate today. And i want those hours back.
There was no drama, no brilliance, just a bunch of trying to screw up the least.
Short program made me gush to my partner while drinking gin and tonics about how nobody had better make me do anything while skating is happening. And then today happened. Even Canadian silver didn’t make it better since that was pretty much the worst plausible scenario going into today.
i hope the ladies make me feel better!
where is the femslash!?
I hope they’re not skipping Femslash Fridays on The Most Holy Day of Obligatory Love!
ugh i fell back asleep after i wrote the simpsons thing and then it was like 1PM and the schedule was full anyhow so i was just like eff it and i gave myself this week off sorry team
My boyfriend sent me this Valentine link and now I leave it for you, Toasties! Thanks for making this an awesome place! http://whatever.scalzi.com/2014/02/14/the-best-va…
I’d like to second this sentiment, and also share the other valentine in that set: http://ursulav.livejournal.com/1576492.html
Ahhh! I’m at work and didn’t have time to look at her stuff. I love it EVEN MORE now.
I literally just came back to this thread to post that. <3
Ursula Vernon is the besssssst. Seriously, everyone should read her Hugo-award winning comic, Digger (available online for free! it started as a webcomic!) Sorry, had to fangirl.
It’s Saturday morning where I am, and I have been doing the gardening in my pyjamas, because I can.
For the readers out there, my V Day gift to you is the Stella Prize longlist. Hark to these fab books by Australian ladies! http://thestellaprize.com.au/
I hate this holiday, and I hate that I let it get to me every. single. year, without fail. However: some friends and I have been posting pictures of spectacularly hideous and weird sea creatures on Facebook, just for the hell of it, which has somehow cheered me up. And I’m about to pour myself a glass of wine, and I have chocolate for later, so, all told, it could be worse.
I have finally registered to comment after a long time reading etc etc. I’d been avoiding it because I have a toddler and a job and we’ve just moved to Canada and I need to unpack and meet some friends and go to the gym and not faff on the internet all day! Yet here I am, so hello everyone. Hello!
hi!
I just found out that the gym membership at my university is included free with my tuition! I was waffling on signing up, but if I’m already paying for it then I HAVE to sign up. No way in hell am I going to pay an arm and a leg from tuition and not get everything I can from it.
Spite might just turn out to be the most effective motivator in getting me to the gym that I’ve ever had.
(also, eeeeee! I finally have something to post in the open thread!)
I watched Her the other day. Good movie, but all I could think about was the Ghost. Ghost!!!! http://thehairpin.com/2012/02/text-messages-from-…
Had a proper scary night last night – I’m on the south coast of the UK and we are getting some monster storms and flooding. Gales last night blew a tree down across my drive and the other tree in the front garden of my apartment block was looking like it was going to come in through my bedroom window! Two more down overnight and something quite large whcked my window and blew away again but thankfully no proper damage other than being stuck in the flat until the council move the tree!
Hiiii would you mind sharing some more details?? I'm in DC-area and trying to move and having a nightmare of a time (i h8 u dc rent world).
When winter makes me want to jump out the window, I really like beans and rice… I know it's not a creative or exciting recipe but just beans, rice, some hot sauce, maybe some wilted spinach with garlic mixed in. It is comforting and easy enough that you don't have to struggle with winter malaise to cook.
YES!!! Happy hour downtown or in Trolley? Or anything, I'm up for anything.