“It then began to eat the crocodile, surprising residents” -The Toast

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australiaThere is something to be said for journalistic restraint, and that is this: it has resulted in the perfect photo caption.

TO WIT: Australia is a land of horrors where every day is like that scene from 10 Million Years B.C. where the T. Rex and the triceratops fight each other.

TO WIT: A snake in Queensland has wrestled a crocodile to death and eaten it.

TO WIT: This “surprised” residents. The people of Australia are not easily fazed; they routinely perish on their morning box jellyfish commutes to work. Rarely does a group go out to lunch without losing at least one Dylan or Dermott to a flock of poison tarantulas. Great white sharks live in drinking fountains and suburban pools and are capable of human speech. Razor-backed armadillos that grow upwards of 70 feet in length roam the desert, where water is illegal. The infant mortality rate is 76%, due in large part to golden eagle snatchings.

AUSTRALIAN THE FIRST: “Say, is Thelma around?”

AUSTRALIAN THE SECOND: “Ooh, sorry, mate. Thelma got carried off by a flock of common death bees this morning. They’re making her their corpse queen.”


AUSTRALIAN THE SECOND: “She had a good life. Want to go to the movies?”

AUSTRALIAN THE FIRST: “Anything to escape the centipede stampede that occurs every day at noon.”

TO WIT: A massive snake and a crocodile engaged in a death grapple for over five hours, and the snake choked the crocodile to death.

snakeAnd the most energy the caption-writer could muster in describing it was “It then began to eat the crocodile, surprising residents.”

“Well, there’s something you don’t see every day,” remarked Rosie Prendergast, a Queensland resident. “Maybe three or four times a week, but not every day.”

She then disappeared from view, after accidentally stepping onto a death-tick colony and instantly becoming covered in a black, seething mass.

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