Get This Look: The Tortoise And The Firebird -The Toast

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turtle1Your mates are going to lose their shit when they see you in this clobber. Nothing says “tall poppy” like a 1978 Pontiac Firebird Kammback. It’s rare as rocking horse shit, and it’s a corker of a ride. Picture yourself behind the wheel, sporting a crisp tortoise onesie, turning donuts out front of a NightOwl. Yeah, it costs big bikkies, but in this getup you’re going to stand out like dog’s balls in all the right ways.

We’ll give you the drum: right off the bat, order the onesie from and expedite the shipping. When it arrives, take off whatever you’ve been wearing and chuck it in the bin. You don’t need it anymore. Slip into the onesie, crack a coldie, and go get cashed up.

Next, call Ron at +61 7 4092 7291 to see about the car. If he doesn’t pick up, leave a message. Give him an hour before you try again. If he’s still not answering, no worries, just lob in at his office at 264 Byrnes St. in Mareeba. It’s above the HVAC shop across the street from the empty lot where some bogans burnt down the Macca’s last month. Second floor, room 205. Go on in. If he’s not at his desk, take his seat and wait. He’ll be back soon enough.

Understand that Ron is a bit of an alkie. When he shows up he’ll probably be off his face. He’s built like a brick shithouse, too, and when he sees you at his desk he might chuck a wobbly, but don’t let that put you off. Have the cash out in plain sight and say you’re there for the Kammback. When he sees the dosh and the tortoise onesie, he’ll know you mean business.

Tell Ron you want to take it for a spin. He won’t say no, but he won’t let you go alone. Having a gronk like Ron in the passenger seat will be a massive bummer, but the tinted windows should spare you some embarrassment. Anyway, this is your chance to pull a swiftie. For a mere twenty up front, you can buy Ron’s short-term goodwill and shave a few thou off his asking price.

See, Ron’s been hitting the turps since early arvo. He could use a sanger, or at least a meat pie. Keith at the Anthill Liquor Barn once duped Ron into repairing their HVAC system in exchange for two Reef & Beef pizzas from Eagle Boys and half a slab of VB.That’s why your first stop on the test drive is to see Nicko down at the NightOwl. Nicko is ridgy-didge. He was on his tod last Crimbo ‘cos his oldies went off to the Big Smoke, and my cuzzo Jez let him hang about his flat for the holidays. Tell Nicko you know Jez and he’ll give you mates’ rates on some plonk and nosh-up for Ron.

Fang it down Byrnes to Middlemiss and throw out the anchors. You want to get Ron in and out of the NightOwl as quick as you can. Ron may be a soft mark, but if he loses his buzz then he might second-guess your generous gift of a Four’N Twenty pie, a frozen Coke, and box of chardy. Square the dosh with Nicko and let Ron bog in on his dog’s eye while you cruise back to the HVAC shop. It’s time to close the transaction.

Don’t forget that you have the upper hand here. Aside from that car, Ron hasn’t got a brass razoo, not to mention he’s in a bit of a state right now. See, Ron’s uncle Dez was a gyno, the acest gyno in Cairns, totally loaded. Last month, some yobbos were setting off fireworks near the grease skip out back of the Macca’s across the street. Bloody idiots started a fire, and most of them were on probation for smashing the windows at the Ladbroke’s last year, so they just legged it. Some of the punters inside made it out, but Dez was in the dunny and before he knew anything was wrong it was too late. Poor bloke’s last meal was an Angus McOz.

All that’s to say, after Dez carked it in the Macca’s fire, Ron got the Kammback in his will. The Kammback’s not worth anywhere near $29,900, but Ron’s hoping to pull a fastie on some drongo. Offer $8K. He’ll tell you to nick off. Nick off. Come back thirty minutes later — he’ll be well into the chardy by then — and offer $10K. He’ll take it. Get him to sign over the rego, and split.

Ron will be skulling Black Velvets down the boozer later with that money, too right, but you needn’t be fussed anymore about that knob. Take your place in the Kammback and have a moment to savor its feel. Then reach under the driver’s seat. Sift through the empty airplane bottles and Cherry Ripe wrappers and you’ll find the entire Bon-era Acca Dacca catalog on cassette. If Ron had remembered it was there, you’d have had to fight him for it, so consider that a major bonus. Start up the V8, pop in Powerage, and Bob’s your uncle — now you’ve got the look.

There are lots of places to cruise tonight. You could roll down to the local to have a pot and show your mates your new gear. Davo, Benny, Cazza and Mal will all be there playing the pokies and you know they’ll be chuffed. Or you could see if there’s a game of two-up on at the Huntsman ‘cos you’re feeling lucky. Or you could just drive back to the NightOwl to have a chinwag with Nicko and do some circle work in the car park.

But it’s late, and you’re a bit wrapped from the big day, so instead it’s down to the 24-Hour Soak N Bake to veg out in the hot tub. Your tortoise onesie has deep pockets, so go ahead and cram some tinnies in there before you head inside.

You’ve got the perfect look. Now bog in on the perfect meal.

Beefy Hot Tub Noodles

Yield: 1 serving

Total time: 40 min (5 min prep)



1 hour VIP Suite hot tub rental

1 40oz can Chef Boyardee® Beefaroni

1 XL Ziploc® sandwich bag

1 750ml bottle Old Crow



1. Heat tub to 103°F.

2. Adjust mood lighting. Dial in sound system.

3. Open Beefaroni can. Dump it in the bag.

4. Seal bag. Chuck it in the tub.

5. Slip out of onesie. Slip into tub.

6. Doze off until your onkas are well pruned.

Take your noodle bag to the car park and stretch out on the roof of the Kammback. Bite off a corner of the bag and suck the Beefaroni through the hole. Veg out. Watch the clouds. Play a round of Sky Dingo.*

*How to play Sky Dingo: When you see a cloud shaped like a dingo, point at it, shout “Sky Dingo!” and take a pull off the Old Crow. Remember, you can’t call “Sky Dingo” twice on the same cloud. Play until the bottle’s empty.

Katie Hannon and William Foster are co-founders of 50/50 Global Enterprises, Inc.

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