Previously: Dirtbag Hamlet.
MILO: fuck everything
everything fucking sucks
“FOR MILO, WHO HAS PLENTY OF TIME”
MILO: the fuck is this
“ONE GENUINE TURNPIKE TOLLBOOTH”
“EASILY ASSEMBLED AT HOME, AND FOR USE BY THOSE WHO HAVE NEVER TRAVELED IN LANDS BEYOND”
MILO: more like a fuckin toolbooth
WHETHER MAN: I’m the Whether Man!
Not the Weather Man!
After all, it’s more important to know whether there will be weather
than what the weather will be!
MILO: hey ive got an idea
why dont you come with me
(MILO opens the passenger door)
(THE WHETHER MAN puts one foot on the running board)
(MILO drives away)
ALEC BING: In my family, we start up and grow down!
MILO: that right
(MILO steals ALEC’s shoes and leaps into the car)
ALEC BING: Wait a minute! Those are mine! Come back here!
MILO: grow after me if you want em back so bad
touch the ground much
MATHEMAGICIAN: Welcome to Digitopolis!
Can I interest you in subtraction soup?
Or perhaps some multiplication mackerels!
MILO: what can you tell me about those hot sisters
theyre in a cage somewhere or something
MATHEMAGICIAN: The Dodecahedron has twelve sides!
What wonderful things will you learn in the kingdom of math?
MILO: fuck you im not going to learn anything
and twelve sucks
THE SOUNDKEEPER: and this is where I store all of the sounds in the valley
so we can enjoy this wonderful silence
MILO: whats this button here for
THE SOUNDKEEPER: oh, that’s the ‘ESCAPE’ button, don’t press —
(MILO presses the button; an incomprehensible cacophony follows)
(THE SOUNDKEEPER sobs helplessly on the floor)
TOWNSPEOPLE: Milo you saved us
MILO (lights a cigarette): i didn’t do it for you
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.