Toasties, I am the airport going on vacation, yay! I’m sick, boo. I have never seen the back of A1 steak sauce before. And I will try never to again. NOW IS THE TIME FOR CONVERSATION!
Tags: cocktail hour, meta, open thread, the bartender
Toasties, I am the airport going on vacation, yay! I’m sick, boo. I have never seen the back of A1 steak sauce before. And I will try never to again. NOW IS THE TIME FOR CONVERSATION!
Tags: cocktail hour, meta, open thread, the bartender
AM I THE FIRST?? WHEE!
1. My friend and I managed to get badges to SDCC for Thursday, Friday, and Sunday. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! A week from today I’ll be at 221B Con in Atlanta! So! Much! Excitement!
2. I posted this body image post today and I’m kind of proud of it. And myself.
MAD PROPZ FOR THE STEPHEN FRY QI GIF!
Just read that post of yours. I want to be more like you. Thanks for sharing your very fine self with us.
Oh. Wow. You’re welcome!
ANYBODY can be like me! Seriously! Well, except for assholes. They’re out of luck. But I suspect that any regular reader of The Toast has a 99.99% chance of being equally awesome or (probably) more awesome than me. All you gotta do is know that you are a Fucking Amazing and Valuable Creature. Like, really believe and internalize that. BECAUSE YOU TOTALLY ARE.
HIGH FIVE FOR NOT LETTING ASSHOLES DICTATE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOUR BODY
You rock. PS: cycling shorts for under skirts when it’s no-tights weather. I’ve been riding horses professionally my entire adult life and have mighty thighs that could kill a man as a result, and always cycling shorts.
FUCK YES MIGHTY THIGH SISTERS
We will crrrrruuuuuussshhhh them all.
Samesies! The horse riding thighs never go away, even if you don’t do it for 2 years. And as soon as you start riding again they come right back. I love your description. Take pride in them!
I LOVED your post. It’s something I’ve thought before but never really been able to internalize as much as I want to.
and, oh, man, so much empathy on the abdominal sweeling/bloating/whatever. I regularly put on pants that slide down my hips in the morning only to find the same waistband digging into me on my drive home.
Thank you!
If it helps you tick some stuff off your list of things-to-try on treating the swelling: I’ve undergone various therapies (from standard western medicine to acupuncture to naturopathy) to treat adrenal fatigue, an autoimmune disease, poor digestive abilities, lymph drainage failure, and I’m finally finding some relief with a treatment to lower my estrogen and increase my progesterone and testosterone. I don’t swell with every meal now, and when I do swell, it’s usually around two to three inches instead of four to five. I wish you all the best resolving your own issues. It’s SUCH a horrible thing to have to deal with. Like your body is betraying you every time you feed it.
Thank you! It took me years to even bother to get attention (I haven’t measured, but I don’t think it’s 4-5 inches… definitely enough that I feel it both on the inside and the outside). I am pretty sure in my case it’s a digestive issue, since it’s accompanied by other digestive systems. I tested negative for celiac disease and ulcers am now running through a bunch of potential treatments because the GI isn’t really sure what’s causing it. I’m really glad to hear you’re getting some relief.
So last night I was at a bar (alone) (reading) and this older guy, Jeff from Jersey City, starts chatting me up. Eventually we get to my name, and he says he’s never heard it before, and asks “What are you?” in that way I hate. HOWEVER, he must have noticed the face I made because he immediately apologized and said “oh god, wow that really doesn’t come off well. That’s not what I meant,” and then we went on to have a really productive conversation about how to ask someone about their ethnicity without being rude! It was amazing!
Wow, that story turned around in a way I totally did not expect. Four for you, Jeff from Jersey City.
Oh hey, that’s so great! I love when Dudes Who Suck turn out to be dudes trying to figure out ways to suck less. What was the conclusion of your conversation?
Basically that it’s natural to want to figure that stuff out, but that doesn’t mean anyone owes you an explanation, and there’s a difference between having a conversation about your mutual ethnic origins and demanding to know why someone looks a certain way. And that an easier way to slide into it would be something like “Wow, I’ve never heard that name before, where is it from?”
I mean I also don’t have all the answers but it’s nice to know he’s a bit more aware now!
Actually, I’m curious, what would everyone else say in this situation? What are your tips on facilitating respectful curiosity about race and ethnicity?
The only respectful courtesy about race and ethnicity I am willing to offer is in regards to queries from people under the age of ten. Because I was once that little girl who asked a woman why she had licorice in her hair (cringe). Fortunately, I had awesome parents who immediately set me straight on what things are and aren’t appropriate to ask people. It’s amazing how saying “Little Manka, that’s not licorice, that’s her hair. It’s rude to comment on people who look different than you. I’m sure she would feel better if you said you were sorry for not knowing better,” makes everyone feel good about the situation instead of just dragging me off by my arm in embarrassment. THANKS MOM. THANKS DAD.
Here is the FB exchange I had with the jerk who inspired my body-image breakthrough recently. So this is what I did say in my situation. Sadly, it did not go as well as yours.
Jerk: may i ask your ethnicity;)
Jerk: guess that was to personal. sorry
Me: Kinda, yeah.
Jerk: im scottish, scandinavian german . was a compliment. sorry. as genuine as the come. sorry for trying to make a friend here.
Me: If you’d left off the passive aggressive “sorry for trying to make a friend here,” your apology would have held some weight. Going on the defensive by attempting to make someone feel bad about telling you that you were out of line is not a cool move.
Jerk: thats not the case at all. not looking for an argument & nice assumptive attempt & trying to analyze me. highly intelligent & have been nothing but respectful. its a common question- asking someones ethnicity. found your dark features appealing. this isnt reality. its typative: i will defend my character as it is my life. all i do is create, inspire, survive & hope. you cant challenge that by insulting it. enjoy your judgements. unbeluevable
NICE, right?
That guy is unbeluevable.
It’s my new favorite word.
Where is Matt? I want a drawing of a Beluga whale saying “unbeluevable!”
Also: typative?
I’M HIGHLY INTELLIGENT AND HAVE BEEN NOTHING BUT RESPECTFUL
what
ALL I DO IS CREATE, INSPIRE, SURVIVE & HOPE
D-:
“found your dark features appealing”
Kill it.
NGL, I had a moment of “Dude, I am, like, Whitey McWhiterson. The fuck?” But then I remembered OH RIGHT, white people don’t have curly black hair. >__>
I have literally never in my life had a guy who was hitting on me ask my ethnicity. This might have something to do with the fact that I’m white. I love how he tries to cover up his question by telling you HIS ethnicity, as if ANYONE IN THE WORLD HAS EVER ASKED HIM HIS ETHNICITY.
If you’d left off the passive aggressive “sorry for trying to make a friend here,” your apology would have held some weight. Going on the defensive by attempting to make someone feel bad about telling you that you were out of line is not a cool move.
OH SNAP look at you being such a bad-ass!
I generally answer with “Iowa” (sometimes making a stink face in my brain, depending on how long I’ve known the person/how they’re asking the question.) And then I ask them “And where are you from?” If they badger me for a more “heritage” based answer, I’ll tell them that my mom is from Taiwan, but reiterate that I don’t know Chinese and I feel American.
I don’t have a good answer, I usually don’t ask at all which can lead down the road to some pretty funny conversations. For example, I worked for several years with a woman whose last name was Senica and had features that were kind of hard to classify. I guess in my head I heard her last name as “Seneca” because I spent year assuming she was Native American. One day when we were talking about a place nearby that served congee she said “in Korea we call it ‘juk'” and I just stared slack-jawed at her and then told her why. We both laughed pretty hard.
Coming back to say that it’s probably best to get to know someone a bit before asking, so the question isn’t the first thing you talk about with them. Second anecdote: My Chinese-American roommate once said she couldn’t ID any characteristics of different European regions, so we spent an evening watching TV with me pointing out actors with physical characteristics stereotypically associated with different European regions. “Pie-faced” was her new favorite word for a while after that.
I don’t have any good answers, but that’s mainly because I grew up and still live in a largely white suburban area where the only ethnicity question was, “Irish or Italian?” because almost everyone is one, the other, or both. I used to work at The Children’s Museum though, and a lot of little kids from other countries visited the museum, and I always found it kind of fascinating how many little kids would very frankly ask each other “Where are you from? Why is your skin lighter than mine/darker than mine? Why is your face green? (usually after someone got into fingerpaints)
And you didn’t even have to smear lipstick all over your face! Hooray!
jaya what are these cool bars that you’re always reading in??
Reade Street Pub! There’s a model train that runs around it!
That sounds amazing. I want trains in every bar.
Haha! Even has “read” in the name!
Congratulations on turning the discussion in a favorable direction! I grew up in a logging town with a neighbor named Jaya who was paler than me (which takes some doing) so I would have hit on you by asking if you were a logger. However, since I only know you in a context where your last name is visible, and contains an axe (wait–ARE you a logger?), my plan is to let you read in peace.
My mom is having a pacemaker put in right this second. Distract me please!
Did you ever read The Brunching Shuttlecocks back in the day? The archives are pretty much gold: http://brunching.com/archive.2003.html
I didn’t, but I will now!
This is a sweet little story (and video) about a guy who disentangled a baby moose from his fence.
Best wishes to your mom.
Awwww, baby moosie!
Thanks!
Have you played 2048 yet? http://gabrielecirulli.github.io/2048/
I apologize in advance.
it is ruining my life
aaauuuuggggghhh don’t remind me. (“oh hey it’s midnight. I should really go to sleep, but… what’s ONE MORE game of 2048…?” and an hour later…)
…
why would you do this to me
I ALREADY APOLOGIZED.
I said to myself, “I’m at work.” I said to myself, “I really do not need any more distractions.” I said to myself, “these people are warning me that this game will eat up all of the time I need to be using to program a new calendar on our intranet.” Did I listen to myself? Reader, I did not.
Same. Same. This is a problem.
Also: http://doge2048.com
Full disclosure: my friends made this version, they are beautiful geniuses
OH MY GOD.
it’s winking at me
Well THAT’S two hours of my life I’ll never get back. 🙂
I like playing doge 2048, as it flashes encouraging comments at you.
(After watching some animation of a computer algorithm some guy wrote to play it, I’ve actually been able to win a few times and now it is merely a soothing exercise rather than a source of eternal frustration)
This is EXACTLY the kind of mindless distraction I need right now, thank you thank you (meant very sincerely)
As someone who has a pacemaker/defibrillator, I can tell you that it’s not a difficult or intense surgery. And your mom will have help with arrhythmias/whatever other cardiac stuff is going on.
That being said, check out all the cute corgis on this site. Very distracting.
🙂 Thanks, this is what I’m told. It’s just, you know how it is, nobody wants to think about their parents having health problems.
Oh shit how are corgis so cute.
One of the things that’s helped me through surgeries (family’s and my own) is reminding myself that, while for us it’s a big deal, for the surgeons and medical staff, this is routine. Their whole job is to take every precaution to make this go as smoothly and easily as it can, and they do it over and over. It’s one of the few times I’ve found the thought of being one in a series of patient really comforting.
Sending you good thoughts and dumb click games (above) to help you through.
Thank you! That’s a good point; I’ll remember it in the future. I love modern medicine.
My mom just called me to say that everything went well and she’s feeling good, but I’m going to stop by the hospital anyway.
Oh, good! I’m glad things went well; sending good thoughts your way.
A snail goes into a used car lot and drawls to the salesman, “I’m tired of being slow. Want me a car, want me a fast car.” Salesman says, “Fine sir! We just got this 280Z this morning, why don’t you take it for a spin?” Snail tears outta there, screeching around the block, comes back and says, “I like it, I want it, but one thing… Want you to change the name of it from a 280Z to a 280S.” Salesman says, “Yes, sir (asfghkk) snail comes back, it’s done, gets in the car and tears off, just about takes out the next guy coming on duty who grabs the first and shouts, “Holy cow! Did you see that S car go?!!”
My Mom of my heart got a pacemaker a couple years ago, she’s doing so much better with it and she’s safer. We wanted them to put in a cookoo clock and chimes…
GROOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNN
What did the snail say when it got on the turtle’s back?
“WEEEEEEEE!”
Here’s something: I’ve started drinking 3L of water per day, and I feel like I’m just constantly peeing, punctuated by brief periods of living otherwise.
That is a lot of water.
It sounds like it would be, but it’s just six small bottles throughout the day. I was kind of surprised at how simple it actually was. Already, it’s helped with my chronic headaches, but I’m only on liter one and I’ve peed twice already before lunch.
Hmm, maybe it isn’t that much water than. Peeing twice before lunch doesn’t sound like very much to me (to be fair, I am pregnant, but I’m pretty sure peeing three or four times before lunch is normal to me anyway?)
Well, if we’re going to be TMI about it, it’s serious peeing. Like, a lot of pee. Maybe I am pregnant too, because I had a really horrible headache on Tuesday and woke up on Wednesday being able to taste sour much more acutely than ever before? Except the only sex I have is with women, so I doubt I’m pregnant….
Maybe you sat on the wrong public toilet seat, or possibly went in a swimming pool with an overly-excited gentleman! Also are you sure the women you have sex with are not just convincing drag queens? How sure really? SPERM IS EVERYWHERE!! Okay not really but for some reason I enjoy inciting pregnancy panic in others…
Has your digestive tract transformed into mother of pearl yet?
Not quite yet, but an older woman has given me her skin blessings, so I think I’m on my way!
I drink a lot of water and tea myself, and am not at all surprised to hear about your new restroom-centric lifestyle.
Happy Sondheimas one and all! Any plans for the holiday? I’m thinking of re-watching Six By Sondheim for the thousandth time and maybe follow it up with Sunday in the Park and a few Vodka Stingers. What’s your favourite Sondheim show and/or line? And what other Steve-related foods should we enjoy? (Meat pies and greens-greens-nothing-but-greens, obvi)
I saw Sweeney Todd at the New York Philharmonic a few weeks ago with Emma Thompson and Audra McDonald and I nearly died it was so good.
Also I am one of those people who really loved Assassins!
For a moment—just a moment—I thought you meant you saw it *with* Emma Thompson and Audra McDonald. and in that case, why did you not write a story about it/hire a skywriter that’s what I would do if I met Emma Thompson
OMG so JEALZ. This is one of those times I wish I lived in NYC, just to see shows like that.
My favorite Sondheim show is All of Them. But if forced to choose, I’d pick A Little Night Music.
Hi, I’m one of those people who thinks it’s never inappropriate to bring up/start singing/quoting from Merrily We Roll Along because it is brilliant.
wishes come truuuuuuuuuue, not freeeeeeeeeeeee
The high school choir/musicals director was in love with Sondheim and every 4 years he would put on Into the Woods so everyone who passed through the school had a chance to be in it/see it.
i had a great week. the sun is shining, the flowers are blooming, i’m seeing st. vincent tomorrow, i’m dating a dude that’s pretty incredible.
i’ve been feelin’ so good, i made a mix of the most beautiful love songs and i want to share it with everyone, so here it is: link to 8tracks.
which makes me realize i’m also really excited to put together a toastie mix for the exchange! yesss.
sooooo pumped for the mix exchange!
you better be cause i’m the one sending you a mix.
sorry, i felt that statement needed a little drama, haha. but yesss i am excited!
PS do you want a themed mix? like, do you have a theme in mind?
I KNOW RIGHT?? This is gonna be great.
I did not have a theme in mind, but I trust your music judgment! (Your list of preferences was delightful and A+)
hold up mix exchange whaaaaaaatttttt that sounds awesome
look a few comments down the page—figwiggin is still taking names!
I also dating a most amazing guy and a friend recently asked me what my soundtrack is – the album I can’t stop listening to – and I didn’t have one. Until now.
yayyyy!
Oh man, I saw St. Vincent + David Byrne this past summer and it was AMAZING
i’m sooo excited. her new record is amazing amazing amazing and i’ve been watching live videos and the lady is freakin dynamite unreal badass incredible on video, i can’t even imagine how it’ll be in person.
I’ve been re-watching Scrubs lately (it’s on Netflix!) and although I am disappointed in how crazily sexist the show is, I am glad to announce that my crush on Zach Braff has been re-affirmed a million times over.
I HAVE 18 MORE DAYS AND 13 MORE WORKING DAYS UNTIL I AM DONE THIS JOB AND I AM DYING
Why did I give a month’s notice 🙁
Don’t think of it as DYING. Think of it as your nebula collapsing to MAKE YOUR STAR.
I want this on a motivational poster.
This is the best thing thats been said.
You can do it! Every day after work, do something really nice for yourself (takeout, a nice walk, a movie, a fancy dessert) to reward yourself for surviving one more day at this horrible job. And then on your last day, give yourself a big reward and a pat on the back for making it through.
((hugs))
SAME BOAT. my last day is april 18.
Happy Friday, Toasties!
This week gave me some I-can’t-talk-about-it-yet-but-it’s-potentially-awesome job news, which I will happily share with you fine folks once it is a thing I can talk about. Yay good jobness!
I find myself curious about what corners of fandom Toasties inhabit/have inhabited. For instance, back when I was writing fanfiction, my little corner was usually-not-slash, but-not-militantly-het, non-Buffy-bashing Xander-fic, and there were like a few dozen of us and we were quite happy, and kind of shunned the “We hate Buffy and also Joss, and by the way Xander would NEVER EVER IN A MILLION YEARS BE GAY” crew (because… I mean, he would totally be gay, that just wasn’t how we tended to write him).
So where did/do you wonderful people hang out in fandom? And what are perhaps some surprisingly specific communities you were/are a part of?
These days I’m centered on Fandom Secrets, formerly on livejournal, now on Dreamwidth. It’s like Post Secret, but for fandom specifically.
In the past…oh man.
I remember fandom secrets! I haven’t looked at that in like 4 years. And now I feel old…
Sparrabeth communities on LJ were my formative fandom influence!
That’s POTC, Sparrow and Elizabeth? LJ was the shit for fandom! I miss that easily accessible stuff. I understand fandom has moved to tumblr, but … i don’t know where or how
Yep! Tumblr is very weird compared to LJ. I made the switch almost 5 years ago though, and I love it!
I guess I mostly just don’t know how to find new communities there? I can follow people fine, but I haven’t found stuff like I used to be able to. Maybe there just isn’t a big Buffy community? Except it’s the internet, so…
I’m not sure about Buffy! I like the show, but I’m not active in the fandom. I follow a lot of people that like Buffy too, but it’s a post every once in a great while. I mostly just talk to the friends I’ve made in the past 5 years about– we all have the same taste in TV/movies/etc so we recommend stuff to each other, etc. I basically follow people with multifandom blogs, don’t really follow any fyeahs or anything like that.
Unhelpful comment is unhelpful 🙁
But not unhelpful! I just need to follow the right people. I’m wary of following too much, because I have trouble keeping up with it as it is.
Well, at my highest I was following around 500 blogs, (lots of them didn’t post very often). Really you don’t have to keep up with it at all! You can just hang around on your dashboard when you have time and see who else is online and posting about stuff you like. And if there are a couple blogs that you want to go and backread faithfully, that’s normal too! I usually only do that with close friends. Really, it’s more like facebook and twitter and instagram had a child together than a blogging site.
Wheee! Fandom! I love that fandom exists at all. It makes me so happy to know there are people out there who love things THAT MUCH and spend so much time analyzing, crafting, and re-interpreting what they love.
Alas, I don’t have time to participate in all the fandoms I’d like to, so I limit myself to BBC Sherlock these days. I’m a bit disenchanted with the show, but I still like the fandom and I’ve built some solid friendships in it. My heart belongs to due South, though, because OMG THAT SHOW. I will never not love that show. And Tom Hiddleston. I am definitely a part of Tom Hiddleston fandom. Big time. Mmmm. Yes.
I get the Hiddleston love. Dude rocks it. I don’t know if this is a thing, but if there were a Cumberbatch/Hiddleston war, I’m Hiddleston all the way.
They both are Fine Figures of a Man, but Cumberbatch doesn’t turn my crank the same way. I mean…
hnnggngngngn
That is a not-unattractive dude.
Can’t stop laughing; can’t stop staring at it either.
At this point in my life I feel like the only current “fandoms” I’m involved in are not really fandoms, just my friends and I yelling Bob’s Burgers quotes at each other.
Is RuPaul’s Drag Race a weirdly specific fandom? The people on the Drag Race subreddit are surprisingly wonderful.
I don’t know if that’s weirdly specific or not – I can’t afford cable so haven’t seen the show. But yay for wonderful communities!
Neither can I, I have 6 channels! But I mean, internet. (I swear I’m not even stealing it! Logo TV is nice enough to host the episodes the day after they air online. See, even the channel is wonderful!)
Oh god, I could write an essay on my experiences in Inception fandom as a fan primarily of Ariadne and the Arthur/Ariadne ship. Just to pick the most recent example, I saw two different people get asked if they were going to stop shipping it now that Ellen Page has come out. Which. I just. I. What?
I also met a butt-ton of people I’m still friends with through online roleplaying, first email-based Sailor Moon spinoff games and then later through LiveJournal games.
I’m always confused by people who can’t separate celebrities from their characters. I mean it makes a certain amount of sense if the person has only ever played one character, but like, Ellen Page has a shitton of characters! People are weird…
And it’s not like straight actors are automatically attracted to the people who are playing their heterosexual partners, so it’s not like a gay actor playing a straight person is any less “believable.”
Yeah, I find believability in fake relationships to be much more a function of, you know… acting.
Or like actors being straight stops people from writing slash!
Congratulations on the job news. Fan of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Universe, Serenity, most recent iteration of Battlestar Galactica.
I spent like 10 minutes each in the Firefly and BSG fandoms before life got busy and I stopped fandoming as much.
Hm, I never actively participated in fandom, but I definitely read a massive amount of it as a teen. I tended to follow my favorite authors rather than any one particular show/series though.
…And then I fell into Homestuck for a few years. I escaped relatively unscathed, though I think I read so much fanfic that it actually changed the way I write? I notice myself using second person voice in fiction a LOT more than any reasonable person should.
I am not familliar. What is Homestuck?
Oh lord.
Ok, so Homestuck is a massively popular webcomic known for being very inventive with media/storytelling tropes (music, flash games, and animations are part of it, among other things). It also has an enormous cast of characters that can be shipped together in basically infinite combinations because of the four-quadrant alien romance system (yeah). This might also explain why the fandom is so huge. It’s on hiatus right now while the author preps for the final act, which will pretty much be released all at once.
I honestly have no idea how to explain what it’s about, so here you go. http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6 It gets a lot more interesting if you make it through the first act, because that’s when things start exploding.
I don’t have a great hang-out rec (but will be eagerly reading for ideas, since most of my former favorite spots have gone a little off-note for me recently), but I just want to give you THE BIGGEST HIGH FIVE for potentially good news! How exciting!
Thanks!
When I was a little tiny new internet person, I spent several years in the Gargoyles fandom. Went to their conventions, had my own fanart character, everything!
Nowadays, I mostly just read Avengers fanfiction, but a couple years ago, I actually published an comic anthology celebrating early internet fandoms(my work’s not in it, I just edited the thing). If you’re interested, it’s the one called “I Was a Teenage Gargoyle” here(it’s free!) – https://gumroad.com/l/UqNG
Cool! I will definitely be checking that out.
I got a pretty decent response last week, so I’m gonna ask again for folks who missed it:
Would anybody like to be involved in a Toastie mix CD swap?
Just email me at (figwiggin)at(gmail)dot(com) with your name/username, mailing address, whether you’re willing to ship internationally, and any info you’d like your swap partner to have (ie “make me a mixtape about Dirtbag Teens” or “I hate Eddie Vedder” etc.), and I’ll hook you up with a swap partner and you’ll get a cool mix CD from a cool Toastie in the mail!
Even if you think you’re not “good at mixtapes,” it’s a lot of fun!
Yes me! I am an inconsistent presence in open threads b/c I am normally way too busy at work and am intimidated by the high comment volume, but I am down w/ mixes and am v reliable when it comes to mailing things on time. I’ll send you an email now!
Hey, I sent an email last week but I didn’t reply in the actual thread and I didn’t hear back. Are you waiting until you have all the replies before you assign swap partners?
Hey, sorry about that! Try emailing me again? I waited a couple days before making pairs to account for stragglers, but I thought I’d gotten everybody–maybe I misfiled your email?
I didn’t get a response, either. I’ll resend!
Now I KNOW I sent a response to you yesterday–did it not go through?
I’ll check my spam folder. BRB!
Resent! Or.. re-sent? I sent it again, is what I mean, not that I resent you for missing my email.
Hmm, I’m not seeing it in my inbox. (It’s okay if you resent me at this point.) Is it possible that you mistyped my email address?
that is… exactly what I did. Ugh, how embarrassing. Now some internet rando with almost-but-not-quite your email address has my address twice. I RESENT ONLY MYSELF.
We’ve all been there, dude! Chances are internet rando hasn’t noticed or cared anyhow.
I want to swap! Did you get my e-mail? I love swaps!
I did indeed get your email! You should get your partner info in a couple of days! 🙂
I EMAILED YOU. I’m being brave about mixtapes.
I emailed too and I am being brave too!
SOMEDAY I’m gonna figure out why the heck my computer’s CD drive won’t burn a dang CD and I will sign up with a swiftness.
Not that I’m encouraging non-work activity in the workplace (cough), but could you use your work computer without being frowned at? That’s what I do since the drive on my laptop is borked.
WHAT IF, like, I signed up for the last one, and then I……. never sent a CD because Procrastination and Broken CD Drive and now I feel terrible because I very very much enjoyed the CD you sent me (oh god I’m so sorry figwiggin!) and now I want to make it all better?!?!
Shoot me an email and we’ll work it out! 🙂
My fiancee and I accidentally adopted a new 8-month-old shelter kitten on Wednesday! He’s terrified right now and mostly hangs out inside his carrier in our bathroom, but he’s very sweet. He’s clearly scared of us and of our other cat, but he also really desperately wants to be loved, so when we start petting him he just rubs his face all over us and paddles his big floofy paws in the air. My fiancee and I are the sort of people who would have an awful lot of feelings about a wee traumatized creature who just wants to be loved (I actually teared up a little bit last night), so I suspect that we will spoil this cat rotten in short order.
He’s already eating, drinking, grooming and…um, shall we say eliminating? So hopefully he’ll want to come out of the carrier when we’re around.
The other cat, for his part, seems to be delighted by the newcomer. No aggression at all. Every time the kitten (Jasper) looks like he’s going to come out of the carrier, the first cat makes encouraging chirping noises. He also crept very slowly up to Jasper and headbutted him, which does not sound particularly friendly but is. It’s adorable.
Oh, poor kitten. Eating, drinking and pooing is a great start – when I got Saffron and Captain, once we got them out from under the floorboards Saffron spent a month living in the cupboard under the sink. We left food out for her and she ate tiny amounts of it and eventually came out in her own time, and once she’d decided to come out she was sunning herself in the middle of the hall making us step over her within an hour.
And what a good Other Cat, too! Sounds like you’ve got all the ingredients for a very happy kitten soon.
Could we have a webcomics recommendation thread? I just realized that a few of my favorites are going to be ending soonish, and I am going to need things to binge-read to fill the void.
I’m at work so I can’t post a link for you, but Erika Moen’s Oh Joy Sex Toy is one of my favorites!
Her work is so good, and it has definitely influenced my sex toy purchasing decisions!
Also because I need to do something other than read the latest page of Nimona in mute horror/anticipation.
(Everyone should read Nimona! Here’s a link to the first page, so you don’t spoil yourself to high heaven: http://www.gingerhaze.com/nimona/comic/page-1)
LOVE Nimona.
Although recently it’s been more of a Tommy Wiseau-esque – “you’re tearing me APART, Nimona!”
I need to get around to reading Nimona! for some reason I didn’t when she started the comic, but now that it’s nearing the end of its run… I should. I really should.
Your link is broken, and links to the latest page.
Here’s a hopefully-not-broken link: http://www.gingerhaze.com/nimona/comic/page-1
Ooh, yes yes!
Hemlock is gorgeous: http://hemlock.smackjeeves.com/
And Eth’s Skin just started but has lots of promise (and a genderqueer main character!): http://eths-skin.tumblr.com/
I love Hemlock! I wish it updated more often but I guess the artist is still in school.
What is with all of these kids being so talented these days? In my day we had ugly characters drawn in MS Paint and hosted on Keenspace and we were happy if the page loaded in less than ten minutes, dagnabbit.
What do you currently read?
I really love Bad Machinery! But I would follow John Allison’s work anywhere he chose to take it.
Also Gunnerkrigg Court if you like science-fantasy with young adults.
Apparently I’m only recommending things about young adults, usually in school, because my last quick rec is Monster Pulse which has been really fun lately.
I miss Scary Go Round still, but I do like Bad Machinery too!
Same! I really enjoyed the recent interlude with Amy and Adam and Shelley, it was like seeing old friends again. And the french exchange student in the new Bad Machinery story is Elodie’s little sister! Which is a neat callback that I like.
This is an old one that’s done, but Shaenon Garrity’s Narbonic is a good binge read: http://www.narbonic.com/
Skin Horse, her current project, is also excellent, and still ongoing: http://skin-horse.com/
Yes!! Narbonic was the first webcomic I really got into, and an incredibly formative influence on my early adolescent self. I still have one of those little plush gerblis on my desk. I also adore Skin Horse, mostly because everyone’s a terrible shithead.
I love Skin Horse. Especially Sweetheart. My favourite storyline is still the Alaskan one (although, snow, cute dogs and Canadian is a tough one to beat for me).
Have you read the recent comics with Artie and Dr. Lee hitting it off?
The goggles! The cute dogs in goggles! And the Artieslash!
Skin horse, forever and always. (And Narbonic too, yes.)
Family Man by the lovely and talented Dylan Meconis! Historical fantasy-tinged story with absolutely wonderful art, updates a page a week on Fridays. Her earlier comic “Bite Me” is completed and while it’s rough around the edges it is hilarious. Vampires in the French Revolution! What more do you need to know?
Oh dude, Family Man is amazing. I’ve been letting the updates pile up because it’s easier for me to read a chunk of a story like that in one go, but it’s so, so good.
Octopus Pie (http://www.octopuspie.com/) is my favourite.
I love Dylan Meconis’ Family Man. Come for the 18th century German university culture and Spinoza shout-outs, stay for the werewolves!
I also can’t post a link, but io9 just did 2 stories about webcomics of note. Lots of great recommendations there.
YEP, Dinosaur Comics is consistently funny and good and often thought-provoking.
Some more recommendations: Vattu (gorgeous worldbuilding), TJ + Amal (odd-couple roadtrip), O Human Star (features adorable trans lady teen robot!)
Oh, I need to catch up on TJ + Amal! (Note, it is not entirely safe for work!)
I wonder if there are many Toasties who don’t already read Girls with Slingshots, but just in case you haven’t seen it: GIRLS WITH SLINGSHOTS. It’s delightful.
Yes! The recent Clarice storyline is so sweet. And nerve-wracking.
Dicebox (link is to first page)
It starts off being about two women who are itinerant labourers in space, where space is a really interesting collection of settings, and then the mysterious past of one of the women catches up to her.
Also the art is very pretty.
Ooooh, I totally started reading Dicebox ages ago and then completely forgot about it. I remember loving the art, though – will have to start up again!
Digger by Ursula Vernon
Cucumber Quest by Gigi D.G.
Balderdash by Victoria Grace Elliot
…and I’m with you on Nimona. I’m excited to see what Noelle’s going to do next, though! I like all the concept art of lady pirates she’s been tumblring.
People have given really good suggestions already! Two more which haven’t been mentioned:
YU+ME Dream is quite good (although it’s got its flaws, and the early chapters leave something to be desired.) Both the storytelling and the art style pick up dramatically, though, and the second part of the story has some really interesting stuff going on which you might not want to miss: http://rosalarian.com/yume/
Emily Carroll does more short-form/one-shot webcomics and doesn’t post very often, but when she does release something new it is always mind-blowingly good (and usually deeply creepy). Here is her website: http://www.emcarroll.com/comic/ and her blog (which has additional sketches/news/etc.): http://emcarroll.blogspot.com/
Ok, so from looking through other peoples recommendations, this doesn’t seem to fit, but I’ll plug my husbands webcomic: http://redcouchcomics.blogspot.com/?m=1
He puts a new comic out once or twice a week (while being a stay at home dad four days a week). Some are pun-y some are over my head, and some are dark.
OK so you know this news story about how black kids face higher suspension rates than white kids even in preschool? Which UGH.
But OK so we heard that this morning on car radio & Mr Iceberg goes into this half-baked story about some study he read about where people were more likely to identify as black if they were in negative life circumstances & more likely to identify as white if they were in positive life circumstances. To be fair I didn’t ask him to elaborate bc it sounds like bullshit anyway? BUT so then he goes ON to say something about how ifd you’re labeling people in this way you’re making division to start with and why don’t we just treat everyone the same (or words very close to that effect). So we got to my work and he looked at me expectantly and I just noped out of the car.
He is becoming too much of a White Man. I think living in Georgia is doing this to him. Ugh you guys. Ugh.
……..I would imagine you would identify as white if you were white and black if you were black? Although I guess if you’re biracial you have some discretion there.
I love the image of someone “nope-ing” out of the car, I picture it as a dirty look, open the door, then hop-skip-hop out of the car and into work ASAP.
Yeah but he mumbled something about how it wasn’t even to do with being mixed? Frankly I didn’t have time to drill down into that one.
This was real. I heard it on NPR too – and apparently people of all races were more likely to identify as black if they had been in prison? I was confused too.
Sorry about White Men. We’re pretty awful a lot of the time (no, seriously, I’m not being facetious here). If he’s an open-minded guy, he might find Ta-Nehisi Coates an interesting/enlightening read. If he’s the type to close down when assumptions are challenged, then maybe not so much. I’ve seen a lot of people grow there over the years, lncluding TNC (and I’d like to think I have as well). It’s the comments where we really get into the muck.
(Sorry to be a fanboy, but I can dig up some specific posts if you think it would be helpful.)
Oh I love TNC. maybe I can persuade a friend of his to recommend, or just randomly recommend him as a good writer – Mr. definitely does NOT listen to me on matters like this.
(Your husband should really listen to you.) The series on the ACA even had a pile of the regulars freaking out because of the challenging of the usefulness and reality of implementing policies that are supposedly colorblind. His later posts on the Stand Your Ground laws were just so much better than everything else written on the topic. Everyone else was focusing on these trivialities and missing the much larger picture of systemic racism that lets these laws grind forward.
How do you say TNC’s name? I realized just yesterday that I’d been saying it wrong in my head for YEARS! (Like, plainly wrong, adding an ‘h’ for NO REASON but now I can’t think of what right might be!)
I thought it was Tah-nah-HEE-see for ages, but it’s actually Tah-nah-HAH-see.
Many thanks! Sincerely!
I was wondering if you were the same Dex from the Horde. And yeah, TNC’s writing has really done a lot to open my white man eyeballs. I think he’s the best American writer writing today.
Yep, that’s me.
I heard that same whack study that Mr. Iceberg was talking about – NPR featured it on Morning Edition a few weeks ago. I don’t have too much to say about it – I don’t think it came across as a very good study in the 3-4 minutes they spent talking about it, but I haven’t been interested in looking up the full thing to see if it comes across as any less terrible in its full context.
I struggle a lot with my bf being a Typical White Dude and pretty much pick and choose my battles at this point. It doesn’t help that it’s his natural inclination (as a Typical White Dude) to argue me tooth and nail about everything on principal, just because he likes to see me get mad about things that are (to him) very abstract, but are super visceral to me.
“argue me tooth and nail about everything on principal”
yes THIS. UGH why is everything an argument. and then they smugly sit back and are like “why are you getting upset, we’re just DISCUSSING this.” UGGHHHHHHHH.
Ugh I have two dude friends like this (only one of who is a White Dude) but I fucking hate it. I don’t want to argue with people! I don’t like confrontation! When your first response to me talking about rape is “where did your statistics come from?” you just aren’t listening to me because it doesn’t match your experience! (I definitely think it’s important to talk about where we get quantitative statistics from but that being your first question just really is not a GREAT MOVE.)
“Show your work!”
“Fuck you!”
Yeah, I explained to him as calmly as I could that 1. my statistics weren’t whack 2. that he had friends who had been sexually assaulted in college and 3. that one of the reasons he may not know that this happens to people is that they don’t feel safe telling him.
I’ve known my very opinionated husband for 15 years, and it’s been interesting watching some of his arguments/opinions transition away from “white dudisms” as he’s grown up and met more people.
He shut up about rape a lot as he realized that the majority of women he was close to had all been assaulted at various stages in their life, and all had various good reasons for not reporting. It was an interesting transition, and he became a lot more compassionate.
And he only went through that change because he knows a lot of various outspoken women who feel comfortable sharing with him.
“…and then they smugly sit back”
Ooooh! My husband, whom I love blah blah, will do this periodically to get my goat. I can picture him doing this right now. Burns me up.
This is why I can’t discuss anything with my [old white Republican] father. But then the same tendency pops up in some of the young liberal white dudes I hang out with. Why do they do that? When do they learn it? We got the same education!
I am a fairly skeptical person, and very interested in seeing data for arguments, but also know that lived experience is important and that we are discussing real people’s real lives, not some intellectual exercise. And kicking ass in the intellectual argument doesn’t matter anyway, because they will never concede and move on, they will just find another minor point to argue about.
Sometimes, people are more interested in the intellectual argument than being kind first.
Intellectual is being generous. White dudes who act like that just don’t want the eye of Sauron upon them.
I’m thinking of specific friends of mine, one of whom isn’t white. But you’re right, intellectual isn’t necessarily the word. Maybe more like people who will talk about “ideas” or whatever without giving consideration to your feelings is what I meant?
Yeah, like “ooh ooh! i have a response to that. wait, why are you so mad?”
I just don’t do this anymore because it makes me so mad that I start screaming, while Mister Devil’s Advocate* stands back looking smug. Now I just point out “Look, for you, this is an abstraction. For me [in the case of feminism; in the case of racism or transphobia or homophobia, y’know, insert marginalized group here], it’s my actual life. We’re not arguing from positions of equality: not politically, not socially, not of intensity of emotion. I won’t listen to you make a smug abstraction out of my marginalization.”
*Thankfully, I have very few of these infuriating people in my life these days BECAUSE I MURDERED AND ATE THEM ALL. But this is pretty much a transcript of my shutting-down of a family friend at a recent get-together. Of course he kept yammering, and of course I said simply “I’m done talking to you about this” and walked away. I don’t have an obligation to be your sounding board for self-satisfied status-quo smuggery, guy.
[Edited to add: I got a little intense about this because I’m having a version of this conversation on Metafilter right now, where a discussion of sexism and racism in sci fi spurred one user to say “I really pity readers of any type of fiction who cannot put their politics aside and simply enjoy a ripping yarn,” to which I replied (among other things) that if you think WHITE MALE HERO stories aren’t tacitly espousing a political point of view, it’s only because it’s so incredibly familiar, and possibly aligns with your own political view. So I entered this Toast thread all primed to scream about this subject, ta da!]
oh my god you are my hero
How do you walk away from a conversation with someone you actually care about? Cause I’ve done it, and I was pretty harsh about it, and it made me feel straight up horrible but also still better than if I’d kept having the conversation?
It’s hard. But sometimes you just want to finish making dinner and not have an evening full of tears where everyone feels really shitty. I’ve definitely had to say “If we keep talking about this, both of us are going to be unhappy. I get what you’re saying, and I don’t agree… let’s drop it.” It’s finally getting to the point where my boyfriend believes me and actually drops it instead of pushing the issue. (I just don’t get why he *insists* on being Right *all the time.*)
The last time my husband and I had one of those deeply-fraught, shatteringly emotional disagreements about an issue of racism and sexism (OH HAI INTERSECTIONALITY), I ended up sobbing on and off for two or three days. The discussion – but not the thinking about it! – pretty much ended when I pointed out:
1. Look, I’m a white lady, so I am only indirectly affected by this, but
2. I’m closer to it than you, a white dude, are, so
3. notice how dehumanizing and fucking world-shattering I’m finding it that you just can’t believe that I believe what I believe and feel what I feel, and take that into account next time you defend [stupid joke made by someone else]. Keep me in mind when you suggest that people who claim offense at these tacitly racist, sexist jokes are pearl-clutching prigs with no sense of humor. I’m at least as funny as you are, and I’m telling you that this joke was racist and sexist, whether you can see it or not.
4. Just because you can’t understand my reaction doesn’t mean it is “irrational.” Your uncharacteristic failure of empathy does not devalue my reaction.
And, though the fight will stand as a landmark in our history, something we both hope never to repeat, I think the resolution of it was pretty good.
This is a good way to handle it. That kind of conversation is painful, and hard to move past, and I hope he figures that shit out in a major way going forward.
Also, I bet you’re way funnier than him.
Filing this approach away for future arguments. Thank you for boiling the process of shutting people the fuck down into four easy to follow steps.
You have a really lovely and clear way of communicating – I’ve noticed across your comments that you are frequently wise and thoughtful and I am memorizing this for those times I’m left sputtering with rage and unable to communicate with my SO or friend:
“Look, for you, this is an abstraction. For me [in the case of feminism; in the case of racism or transphobia or homophobia, y’know, insert marginalized group here], it’s my actual life. We’re not arguing from positions of equality: not politically, not socially, not of intensity of emotion. I won’t listen to you make a smug abstraction out of my marginalization.”
I haven’t figured that part out yet. Usually if it’s someone I care dearly about, I get so upset that I start crying, which isn’t great. (I am no one’s hero. I’m sick to my belly just thinking about these arguments, and I have ended too many of them by retreating to the bathtub where I sob and wash my anxiety off.)
But there are things that give me hope. Over the long arc of a relationship, you can see people change.
For example, a decade ago, my sister and I got into a discussion (heated on my side, shrugging on hers) over her belief that “gay marriage is just asking too much.” I dropped it before I started yelling, and instead of ever instigating another fight, I just kept quietly, visibly demonstrating, donating, and signing petitions for marriage equality.
When our state passed the marriage equality law, not only did my sister vote* for it: she baked a massive batch of wedding-cake cupcakes and took them down to pass out at city hall the midnight that it was enacted, where couples long denied the right to marry were lined up waiting.
I don’t know if she even remembers that she once thought marriage equality was “too much to ask.” I don’t have to care, because it isn’t about being right or wrong; it’s about righting the wrongs of the world.
*which, p.s., what kind of bullshit is it to put basic civil rights to a popular vote? THEY ARE RIGHTS. We don’t get to vote on ’em.
Standing up, even if it’s to say “This conversation needs to stop.” is pretty heroic, I think, but I won’t push a label on you you don’t like.
I find a lot of these conversations make me sick to my stomach, and sometimes I disengage because of it. But I’m learning to cope, and back away when I need to and stand up when I need to. It’s hard though.
It is hard, and we each do what we can. For me, it’s important to remember that the freedom to disengage is itself a form of privilege, and also to remember (what I learned embarrassingly late in life) that if I’m going to use my social privilege, it’s best to use it as an amplifier for other, more marginalized voices.
Conveniently, that works beautifully with current media: tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, blogs, they all work seamlessly to share articles and insights between populations who might rarely have had contact just a generation ago.
Why can’t I ‘thumbs up’ this, like, 100 more times?
I really pity readers of any type of fiction who cannot put their politics aside and simply enjoy a ripping yarn
FUCK. THAT. *rage*
My (seriously near-perfect) BF teaches science fiction at the state university where we both work and he has been SO AMAZING and OPEN to being schooled about racism, sexism, etc., by my (admittedly not-always-so-patient) self. Man, I feel for y’all who have partners who just refuse to see their privilege. I am the luckiest woman alive.
Yeah, the idea that that fiction interrogating societal issues of gender, race, and sexuality is “political” but that fiction that uncritically reiterates the status quo isn’t “political” requires a level of denial that’s hard to fathom.
To be clear, that quote is from a Metafilter conversation, not from my (white male) partner. Like me, he has his pitfalls of unthinking privilege, but (also, I hope, like me) he’s pretty good about listening when someone points them out.
I’m glad you don’t have to deal with that at home, at least. YAY for awareness of privilege!
I’m generally not a proponent of murder and cannibalism, but in this case…
Devil’s advocates taste awful. Such a bitter aftertaste!
The last time one of my (usually awesome) guy friends challenged me on my experience as a woman I told him “Let me put this to you in academic terms: I am a primary source, not a researcher. Berating a primary source for reporting their experience is bad science.”
Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha AWESOME.
Beautiful. Memorising.
My husband is that “Someone is WRONG on the internet” comic times a million. Engages with every troll. Does not understand trolling as a concept.
If I didn’t have absolute faith in his fidelity, I would ask if we’re dating the same guy.
Why am I/why are we (don’t want to make too many assumptions about your partner) dating the everyman of terrible dudes???
My guy has lots of wonderful qualities, but he was not raised in an even moderately enlightened household, and his life experiences haven’t… helped. 🙁 I have faith though because he does show improvement and he has actually LISTENED to me when I can demonstrate he’s wrong about something, for example. Mostly, he loves debating, and I’m smart enough to debate with, I guess.
Berg, I get it. My love of my life is a Cool Doode, but also a White Doode. My boyfriend (/domestic partner) (god that is so lengthy) has his share of White Doode moments but has gotten tremendously better over time. Just yesterday he read something in a TIME article which a shitty racist implication, and he goes, “Hmm. That is not good.”
They will learn, White Doodes. They’ll get there, someday.
My boyfriend is sometimes distressingly White Mannish too. His thing is any time a minority group “gets” to do something white people can’t do. Thankfully, he’s never tried it with the n-word, but he likes to bring up how Sikh police get to wear turbans but white ones can’t wear baseball hats (note, this in no way effects him or anyone he knows), or First Nations people not paying taxes on on-reserve purchases. He feels really really strongly about it, though! And the conversations make me feel so disappointed and a little ashamed to have chosen to be with someone I have to have those conversations with, so we mostly avoid them. Not that I think that’s really a great solution.
yeah I’m about there myself tbh. but maybe yours is young and heading in the right direction? instead of becoming LESS aware?
Well, he’s not particularly young, but I do think he’s moving towards becoming more aware, and in a lot of ways he has been long before he met me. Here’s hoping.
How does he respond when you tell him you’re disappointed in him? I can brag on my partner: he values my esteem enough to hang his head, at least metaphorically, when I say so. But I care enough to include the sentiment that I believe he is better than his last statement.
nd the conversations make me feel so disappointed and a little ashamed to have chosen to be with someone I have to have those conversations with
I feel you so hard on this. Like, I love my partner and he is great and I get so many fulfilling things out of our relationship, but then I have to hear him talk about how having a Native American as a sports mascot isn’t racist or how sometimes women do lie about being raped for “attention” (do you get any good kinds of attention for coming out as a survivor of sexual assault? Because that has for sure not been my experience or the experience of anyone I know…) and I start to question my judgment.
ETA: Which puts me in the difficult position of… like, how does your lived life intersect with your politics. Where do I forgive the shitty stuff and where do I hold someone to my ideal? And is my “ideal” really all that unusual or unattainable? My dating experiences suggest yes, but certainly there are men out there who aren’t total fucking monsters?
I think there are men who are perfect matches for politics and the like. My ex-husband was – he was AMAZING about that stuff. Right in tune with me but not an echo of me, had bright ideas, truly believed in equality and rape-culture and all of that.
The issue was the REST of my life with him did not mesh as well. I think it’s hard to find someone who feels like Home to you, and when you find them, you try to live with their flaws and love them despite them, if you can. If you can’t… well, I think you know.
Yeah, the question of how obliged we are to date people who are in a good place on social justice issues is really tricky. In theory we would like to say we don’t want to spend time with these people, but society sucks, so a large percentage of prospects suck in some ways, and many of them have redeeming features.
Also, in this whole thread there’s two issues “this dude who I love has this really terrible racist/sexist/whatever idea” and “he’s having this discussion in a really mansplainy, bulldozing matter”. The last guy I dated would espouse beliefs I agree with in a really aggressive way and want my opinion at times when I was not prepared to have a hard emotional discussion. The attitude is a problem even with the right beliefs. And I have a friend who occasionally says weird things about fat people, but who would never actually be rude to any of my fat friends. I point out the flaws in his logic every time [and he actually is willing to agree to disagree], but does that mean I shouldn’t hang out with him?
Haaard.
And is my “ideal” really all that unusual or unattainable? My dating experiences suggest yes, but certainly there are men out there who aren’t total fucking monsters?
In my experience, yes, there certainly are. For me, it makes sense to pay attention to actions rather than intentions. In feminism, for example: my ex- loudly, proudly called himself a feminist, but his daily actions were a little dehumanizing and sexist.
My husband also identifies as a feminist, but more quietly and less self-aggrandizingly. It’s just one of the facts of his life; he isn’t Mr. I Am A Feminist Get A Load of Me!
And it really shows in how he treats women, which is to say that (with the same occasional failings of anyone steeped in a sexist society, including me), he understands that we are humans with a varied and valid collection of viewpoints and concerns, and that those concerns are shaped in part by our marginalization.
Does he get tired of me bringing up rape culture literally every single day? Yeeeeah, he does. (In his defense, just about everyone I know gets a little tired of how willing I am to analyze every aspect of society and pop culture for sexist, racist, or otherwise marginalizing unstated expectations.) And sometimes he second-guesses my interpretation of events. Once in a great while, we even fight about this stuff: vigorous, heart-aching fights. But he almost never tries to handwave it away or tell me it’s not real.
he likes to bring up how Sikh police get to wear turbans but white ones can’t wear baseball hats
OH MY EVERLOVING WHAT
because sure yes why not draw a direct comparison between mandatory religious garb and casual sport caps thats not dismissive or frivolous to the point of racism nooooope OH WAIT YES IT IS i want to set him on fire just a little bit maybe his shoelaces he could just stomp them out it would not hurt him (much)
Listen, I am married to a dude with the Red Sox B tattooed over his heart, but even he would not try to position baseball fandom as a literal religion due equal protection under the law.
I feel your pain, because I sometimes feel the same way about mine. And then, honestly, I get angry that I feel embarrassed because I’m allowing someone else’s opinion of my lover to make me feel ashamed.
But it’s not “someone else’s opinion” that’s making you feel ashamed. It’s confronting the fact that the principles you espouse are not the ones you practice in real life. You’re uncomfortable because you realize you’re a hypocrite.
I have to say I feel very lucky that my husband is only half white. I’m not sure if that’s what keeps him so open-minded when it comes to learning new things about alternate life-experiences or if he’s just the awesomest dude on the planet. However his father, the smartest, sweetest, whitest southern Santa Claus you will ever meet, does not quite grasp that not everyone can put aside their identity when looking at these kinds of issues. The other week he mentioned that he was disappointed that some judge had challenged an anti-gay marriage amendment (he’s pro gay marriage) because he was afraid it was going to end up going poorly for the movement, because of a potential conservative backlash. He used Roe v. Wade as an example of how activist judges can actually mess up a movement. And I was just like, okay, but if I were pregnant I’d probably want my legal abortion right now and not in a few years when there may theoretically be fewer crazy people to hate me. The personal is political yadda yadda yadda.
You are a lucky girl!
I actually heard that study on NPR not too long ago! Not to back up Mr Berg if we’re not doing that, but I did hear that very study it was actually really interesting.
I’m sympathetic to the idea that the study might have merit. (Note: I have never seen it, so I have no opinion of its actual merits.)
There’s a way to introduce that topic as a question worth considering in how individuals’ identities affect self-reporting of race and whether that’s something that’s accounted for in studies of racial discrimination, which is a conversation worth having in many (but not all!) circumstances.
But there’s also a way of introducing it as a handwave dismiss studies of discrimination and pretend that the societal effects of racism are inconsequential or unknowable, and I see that a lot, especially from people who are comfortably positioned in the status quo and unconsciously resent the challenge to their social comfort and self-regard.
From her reaction, it sounds like icebergmama thinks (and please correct me if I’m wrong, bergie!) her partner was closer to the latter than the former.
Me, I tend to be especially critical (in the sense of “carefully inspecting context and evidence,” not in the sense of “especially faultfinding”) when someone is playing devil’s advocate for the position that is most comfortable or validating for the status quo that favors them. And I try (and fail, too often) to be critical of my own unconscious seeking after comfort and validation.
I absolutely agree, and for full disclosure I didn’t read the study, I only heard it on NPR. I’m not certain I agree with it (“no, totally white people identified as black!” “what are they, eminem??”) but I did find the IDEA of it to be fascinating – that our social perception of a life experience actual changes how you feel about your race depending on your current circumstances.
Yeah, and to be clear, I bet if you and I read that study and the other one icebergmama referenced, about suspension rates and race, we could have a really interesting conversation about whether the implications of the two studies line up, or whatever other aspects of the studies stand out.
But there are plenty of people in, for example, my extended family who would only introduce that study of self-identification as a way to diminish or dismiss actual racism, not because they’re egregious or overt racists but because they (like me) benefit from the subtler racism of our shared society and are unconsciously looking for ways to excuse or dismiss their perception of it.
Late back to this but yeah you were right, I suspect that he was thinking the latter, but quite possibly would have defended himself by claiming it was the former. *throws up hands*
I watched the BBC version of “Room with a View” this week and it is still making me so mad. It was mostly pleasant to watch and then -Wham!- let’s tack on a really sad ending. WTF?
I have not been this mad at a movie ending since I watched City of Angels and its tacked on sad ending.
Why would you watch any version of “A Room with a View” that isn’t the Merchant Ivory “A Room with a View,” the Merchant Ivory “A Room with a View” is perfect.
Because Laurence Fox!
quick, watch the merchant ivory…and then binge-watch inspector lewis.
Ha! I just finished binge-watching Inspector Lewis!
Tall, thin, social awkward, weird looking English men? You can keep your Sherlock, I have Hathaway! (just kidding I love Sherlock, too!)
If you like tall, thin, social awkward, weird looking English men AND liked Inspector Lewis, may I suggest watching Endeavour next?
Actually, we are watching Inspector Morse right now (at least the first four series as that is all Netflix has for streaming) but I think Endeavor might be next. The Husband is out of town this week so I was watching silly things he has no interest in, until his return. Watching detective shows without him is “disloyal”.
oooh, i second the endeavour recommendation.
i was really hesitant going in because i was of the mind that john thaw was the one and only morse, but i thought they did a damn good job with it.
That version sucks anyway! I was rereading the 2nd kiss scene of Room with a View in bed last night (E.M. Forster is one of my favorite bedtime authors) and started thinking about the BBC version of it and got so angry. George is not supposed to be some leering, dopeily grinning doofus.
(Plus baby Helena Bonham Carter is so adorable!)
After I watched that version of RwV, everyone who was willing to listen to me got an earful about how much I hated that adaptation. It wasn’t even that it was inferior to the Merchant-Ivory adaptation (since it would difficult to have anything be that good)… I was very willing to like it. But! but! they changed SO MANY things between the novel and the film!
Cecil was sad tortured gay man, not a self-involved prig! George dies in WWI for no discernable reason so that Lucy can end up with the Italian guy who drove the carriage to their picnic (the guy who tried to pass off his girlfriend as his sister)! Everyone is like an Mirror Universe version of themselves!
I was filled with so much rage.
WHAT
NO
My goddamn cat somehow managed to get fucking roundworms despite literally never going outside or interacting with any other animals ever. This would be a STRANGE MYSTERY except that I know exactly how it happened, which is that dumbbutt likes to LICK SHOES like an asshole. GOD DAMN IT CAT.
Oh god. My dog is obsessed with shoes. Ugh now I have to watch him even more, don’t I.
Good luck with all that 🙁
My boy cat likes to roll around in my shoes like he’s a dog who has found a particularly ripe dead animal. This is how I know my feet are stinky.
“God damn it cat!” sums up most of my interactions with the little monster. And yet I love her. I blame the toxo she has most likely given me.
Cats are such assholes. Bless their little monstrous hearts.
Yeah, both of mine will occasionally rub their faces inside my recently-used shoe whilst wrapping their body around it and kicking it with their hind legs. Seems to make them happy.
Cat owners, please give me your best odor-reducing tips.
I went to sea for a few weeks and left my furry beasts in the care of a man (I know!). He performed the task of feeding them well, but failed so badly at the litterbox cleaning that my two kitties were forced to make other accommodations. The first of these was in the bathroom on the linoleum, but when that puddle became too large to straddle (yes, it was that bad) they moved to a spot under a table in the main room of my studio apartment. Toasties, let’s just say that I am grateful to have a head cold but that my eyes still sting from the ammonia, and did I mention that it’s a studio so I sleep next to it?
I have soaked the area in a bottle of the enzyme cleaner, which does say that it will still smell until it’s dried (and I used enough that even a few days later that hasn’t happened yet). I’m still not convinced it will get better and I’m feeling a little desperate. Your commiseration and/or advice is requested.
Oh man, that is the worst. I discovered that my cats were peeing in the closet because the litter box was too far away (they take after me) (the lazy part, not the peeing in a closet part).
I mopped up the wet spots as best I could, then applied a coat of apple cider vinegar over the entire closet because ACV is magic or something, and wiped it up. Then I did another coat and let it dry. Then either my nose stopped working because the smell of vinegar burnt it out OR the smell was mostly gone. A couple rounds of citrus Nature’s Miracle later, just leaving it to soak into the floor and dry there, and my room smells like an orange grove (I imagine).
Alternately: I just got so used to the stench of cat piss mixed with vinegar mixed with citrus that I don’t notice it anymore. YMMV.
I’m pretty sure part of the protocol is sacrificing that man’s eyes and entrails to Sekhmet and/or Bast.
I share living space with a roomie’s moderately incontinent cat, and those enzyme cleaners do work pretty well. Also maybe a box fan to get some fresh air circulating?
1. Heavy-bottom pot on stove
2. Pour in one inch equal parts white vinegar and water (maybe less water than vinegar)
3. Boil
4. After a few minutes your place should smell like vinegar, which smells “clean” to me. YMMV. Vinegar is supposed to chemically cancel other odors. Making it airborne allows it to encounter the other airborne smells. That’s the theory. Anyone know if this is accurate?
I hadn’t heard that, but wouldn’t be surprised. Vinegar is the acetic acid of the gods imo.
Persistence and I like Simple Solution. My cat used to have seizures and would spin around while peeing. I became very attuned to the subtleties of dried cat urine. Basically, I found that the whole rinse and repeat thing was pretty necessary for any cleaner. Get LOTS of towels you don’t care about.
If the spot in the carpet is too wet lay a thick towel over it and press. Walk on it, whatever, just get all the excess moisture up so it can dry. If it still smells do it again. Also, never underestimate the power of baking soda, but only sprinkle it on dry carpet or that shit will turn into a hard crust.
I am a freak about cat pee and honestly wish I could be there to help you through this. OMG I hate the smell of cat pee!!!!!
Just really wanted you to know. Good luck!
Nature’s Miracle Urine Destroyer. There was old cat pee soaked into some floors in our new house and regular Nature’s Miracle did nothing but Urine Destroyer did a very good job. (Now I am become Death, Destroyer of Urine smells…)
Seconding this. That stuff works damn well.
Nature’s Miracle is a miracle. I’ve only used the original formula; anytime I’ve purchased one of the stronger formula I couldn’t stand the fragrances they use in most of those. I’ve resurrected an *upholstered* chair that had become the bathroom of choice of an elderly and unhappy cat. I’ve used it on human odors as well (workout shoes of foul repute) and it has never failed me.
However, sometimes you may have to re-apply it many times. The little enzymes work until they are exhausted and can do no more, then you have to send in back up troops (or something like that). If the urine has soaked into the carpet, pad, and flooring, you may have to soak them with the enzyme solution until it too penetrates all the way through.
I will say that the upholstered chair took me nearly a gallon of Nature’s Miracle and several weeks of repeatedly spraying and pouring the solution into every nook and cranny of the chair, but today it is so odor-free that even other cats do not sniff and smell at it with that distracted look of ‘hmm, who’s pee is that?’
I used the Nature’s Miracle Advanced, but will seek out the Destroyer. High five!
Oh nooo, poor kitties. 🙁 I too once left my cat in the care of a MAN and he didn’t do shit about the litterbox either. Wtf? That’s why I left you beer, dude. As a tasty reward for scooping poop!
Toasties I’ve been searching etsy (and other places) for prints and especially for postcards, direct me to your favorite art stores!
I currently love https://www.etsy.com/shop/CassiaBeck
https://www.etsy.com/shop/IrenaSophia
https://www.etsy.com/shop/MaiAutumn
https://www.etsy.com/listing/156166437/postcard-s…
https://www.etsy.com/listing/100970500/postcards-…
Those are lovely! I bought a print from https://www.etsy.com/shop/clareelsaesser recently and I adore her work.
Oohhh I like her work a lot. I love anything with a water/sea theme!
Ohhhh those birds! Definitely getting one of those for my bird-obsessed bff whose birthday is coming up.
I have a college friend who does adorably weird art that you can get here: http://society6.com/artist/WillSantino
Otherwise I’m not very up on where to find cool art stuff, so I’ll be watching this space!
Aren’t they gorgeous???
May I plug my good friend Erin’s etsy? She does really cute animal cards and prints, and can even do custom pet portraits!! Also she is an all-around great person with the world’s most ridiculous giggle.
https://www.etsy.com/shop/erinaellis
Yes! Those are great!
I just ordered a bunch of cards from here, because I hate having to run out to the drugstore for some lame card for my loved ones. https://www.etsy.com/shop/emilymcdowelldraws
I also really love this store. She has prints, but I’m really drawn to her pins! https://www.etsy.com/shop/LilaRubyKingShop
Since I would rip a giant hole in my shirt if I ever wore a brooch I ended up buying one for my Mom for Mother’s Day. I feel it’s appropriate for bird lovers.
And I’ve loved this shop for ages and still haven’t bought anything from it. I should really fix that! https://www.etsy.com/shop/tubidu
I love some of the earrings in that second store! I have yet to figure out pins as an accessory item a la scarves/bracelets/etc but some of those are making me think it might be worth it to learn…
Someone on the Toast around Christmas posted a link to the Missouri Botanical Garden Press- they don’t have postcards but they do have delightful notecards and prints.
UPDATE AND THANK YOU AND PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:
To everyone who responded to my sinus infection plea for remedies–I went home last Friday and, after reading a commenter’s recommendation to eat raw garlic, proceeded to make hummus with approximately half a bulb of raw garlic in it. And…it cured me!
Seriously, I was miserable and it just opened everything up and the pain went away by the next day. I’m not saying garlic is the cure for all sinus infections, but it worked on mine so I wanted to share.
Yay! Garlic is amazing. I’m glad your sinuses are better.
I am leaving for a weekend vacation with my boyfriend in a few hours and I couldn’t be more excited, y’all. What is the next thing in your life that is going to make you really, really happy?
Also, if anyone is looking for a pretty cheap, healthy, and hearty vegetarian recipe: Recently I’ve been doing a thing where I saute chickpeas, green peppers, and peas in some olive oil, then pour a small jar of masala or korma sauce over it (the Harris Teeter brand, which is maybe not “authentic” but it is delicious and what is authenticity http://bitchmagazine.org/post/a-comic-about-food-… ) and then put the whole thing over wild rice. IT IS SO GOOD, it is like a treat for leftovers, and actually healthy!
My next thing is also a long weekend vaca with my bf! Getting out of town is so good sometimes.
My boyfriend and I are moving into my ancestral* home!
Long story short – my mom died last year and my dad is moving to Florida so I am taking over the house that I grew up in. It’s smallish and not very modern but it’s got a great water view and it will have a brand new kitchen and while I know this is immensely priviliged of me that I even get to have this opportunity, I could not be happier about the fact that starting April 1st I do not have to give anyone money in exchange for housing.
*since 1981.
Awww thats sad but wonderful! And reminds me of that super sweet movie “Away we Go”– GOOD FOR YOU! Money for Housing is The Worst.
Also reminded me of Away We Go! Gah, what a great film. And congratulations – this is amazing.
My next big thing is “The Wk of Truth” in May, where (1) I find out if I passed the bar; (2) the bf graduates 2 days later! (3) I find out if I got a job in a new city and we can END this long distance bs; (4) We go to a dear friends UBER POSH wedding and get to dress up and drink everything in a goddamn Ritz Carlton WTF.
My next thing to make me really, really happy is starting my weekend in three hours. WOOOOOOOOOO!
Hope you have a fantastic vacation!
In less then 12 hours I will be obliviating my life’s sorrows with margaritas and nachos and hanging out and it will be so glorious.
I support these life choices.
DITTO. there is no margarita deep enough but i need to conduct more extensive studies to confirm.
Oh, THAT’S why I am having an out of body experience. (hint: my allergies are so terrible that I feel as if I am no longer attached to myself. It’s at that point)
my eeeeeeeyyyyyyyes
UGH THIS IS WHY I HATE SPRING. And winter. Summer and Fall– you’re on my team.
Spring is so beautiful and EVIL
I am teaching the plant reproduction part of a class right now, and I am VERY GLAD none of my students seem to mind me calling it “fucking pollen”.
Also that they are OK with my aantihistamined-out state.
I literally sneezed four times in a row, thought “mannn, FUCK spring right now” and then saw this post in the next second. UGH.
Ah yeah, going to a beer fest this weekend! Art of Beer in Benton Harbor, MI. Wooo!
ETA: http://artofbeerfest.com/
Here is the website if anyone nearby is interested! There are going to be a lot of Michigan breweries there.
Ugh, jealous. Have a Smuggler’s Hazelnut Stout from The Hideout for me. That is one of my all-time favorite beers.
So, my friend and I are planning a road trip from Toronto to New York next weekend, as a way to just get out of the city. We started talking about this yesterday, and I’m totally freaking out about it being a disaster! 8 hours in the car together, and then finding thing to do in the city all weekend long. Ack, social anxiety.
Any recommendations for cheap and fun things to do in New York?
The Met! Its a place, and its beautiful and its warm and its free-ish! Also, do a quick search in whatever neighborhood you’re staying in for happy hours because there are some GA-REAT ONES.
Oh, yes. That sounds like a lovely way to spend an afternoon. And admission isn’t terrible at $25.
So I saw a MET Truther post that the $25 is actually a voluntary DONATION and not the entrance fee so do not be compelled to pay it! Confirm, but its potentially very free-ish.
unless they changed the policy recently, it’s definitely only a “suggested” donation! I mean, they want you to pay full price, but the last time I went I think I paid $10.
Well, that’s cool to know! All of my local museums are incredibly strict with admission prices.
Yeah it’s pay what you want!
Pretty sure the Met is still technically by donation, so $25 is the recommended donation, but you can go up to the ticket counter and say “I’d like to pay $3/$5/$10/etc for admission please.” And they let you! Same with the Natural History Museum.
Friday night = MOMA free 4PM -7PM.
Saturday AM – Williamsburg to Smorgasburg/Brooklyn Flea Market, maybe some food at Pies n Thighs or Saltie’s and ice cream at oddfellows , chocolate samples at Mast Bros.
Sunday – Walk the West Village, walk up the High Line park, visit donut plant for a donut, go to Eataly, chill at Madison Square Park/Shake Shack, go down to east Village/visit a cool bar! Get desserts at Momofuku Milk Bar to take home to your friends
Also relevant http://www.thrillist.com/drink/new-york/56-shot-a…
Oh, that sounds lovely! Great ideas.
I know that there’s a ton of things to do, but it’s the overwhelming amount of options that is anxiety inducing.
Walk over the Brooklyn Bridge! Take the Staten Island Ferry for best free views of the Statue of Liberty! (Assuming you haven’t done these things already….)
A weekend really isn’t that long — I feel like if you aren’t up-and-at-em, you can waste the morning wandering, do An Activity in the afternoon (or vice versa, obvs), have a little rest, go out to dinner, and call it a day.
I always tell people to go to see a comedy show at the UCB! Shows are only $5 or $10, and a ton of the performers are on Broad City now. The East Village one has a fun/cheap bar to hang out before a show, and it’s right near Two Boots, one of my fave pizza chains.
ETA: Oh, if you’re here just for a weekend, you should totally do a boozey brunch on Saturday and then spend most of the day wandering around and stumbling into shops & food joints. That’s my favorite thing to do. Just Google “bottomless mimosa brunch” and the neighborhood you’ll be in.
Today’s a beautiful day in Chicago to GET SOME CATS ADOPTED, WOOOO!
I talked about this here once before and everyone was so supportive at a moment when I was weeping in public every time the idea of finding new homes for my cats came up. The short version is that my fiancé is severely, potentially life-threateningly allergic to cats, and a year of immunotherapy shots + medication + air filters hasn’t made things better. He genuinely likes my cats and would like us to all stay together forever, but he and they just can’t live in the same house. I’ve adored them for four years and would leave everything except my life partner behind for them, but I know their little walnut brains will easily love someone else. (Note: they are NOT going into a kill shelter or anywhere but a home with people who will feed and play with and cherish them.)
So: do you know someone anywhere even vaguely close to Chicago who is looking to adopt a cat or two but hasn’t met the right one(s) yet? These cats are GREAT, and gorgeous. See Exhibit A and Exhibit B. The calico’s name is Calamity Jane, and her favorite thing to do is have long, yowling meow-conversations about phenomenology and the distinctions between cat and human poetics. She also flips out for fetch. The black cat’s name is Maya, and she’s a sink-dweller who wants to spend her whole life cuddling on someone’s chest and eating houseplants.
Aw, that’s so hard, it’s obvious you care about them a lot. I live across the country but I hope you find happy homes for them!
Oh what a terrible situation. I’m in a whole other country, so I’m no help, but they sound like wonderful cats so I hope you find great homes for them soon.
I wish I knew anyone in that area to recommend, but I don’t. 🙁 That’s such a tough situation. Mad props to your fiancé for trying so hard to make it work! He sounds like a really great guy.
Mostly wanted to comment to say how much I love that photo of Maya and the mug. They seem like fantastic kitties, and I’m sure you’ll find them a good home!
Ugh, my house hunt is sucking up my will to live. Everything in my pricerange is crap. I found a really really great one and it went for $8k more than I could get approved for. Which in everyday life is a lot but trying to buy a house has warped my view of the value of money. Homeowner toasties, how long did you look before you found one??
My boyfriend is buying a house, and I am moving in with him when he does, so I’ve been helping him look for a place. We’ve looked at houses every weekend for the past 4 or 5 weeks, but he hasn’t gotten pre-approved yet (even though he has a pretty good idea of what the number will be). And we expect/hope to look for about a month more before we find something.
But…we are fortunate to live in an area where house prices are really low right now and the suburbs are expanding like crazy. Which is a thing I don’t know how I feel about generally, but now, in looking for a house, it’s a godsend.
Well, I had to buy within a month because the federal government fucked up my move really, really badly. So about a month. I like my place, but if I had had more time I would have held out for a two-bedroom condo instead of settling for a one-bedroom.
Good luck with the house hunt!
We spent over a year. When we got hardcore, it was about three months to find the one we eventually bought. The bidding/inspection/signing was another three months or so and we got perilously close to walking away from that one (we had two others that we were considering at the time). Prior to that, it was a ton of web research and walkbys.
We looked casually for years, but after the point that we were actually preapproved for a loan… maybe another four months or so?
Also, it totally warps your view of money. $10,000 is only $50 a month, and anyone can afford $50 a month, I said, all too often.
We looked casually for about a year, then when the condo we were renting got a serious buyer, we looked at three or four things in a week or so and bought one of them right up. It was too expensive, even though it was less than we could get approved for, and part of me is a little sorry now. But I live in a freakin’ fire station, so it’s hard to be too sad that I will never again go on vacation or buy nice furniture…
Some times a crap house can turn into an awesome one if you like to learn to smash & rebuild things…
Literally a fire station?
Yeah. You wanna come ride my pole? heeheehee! Seriously though, I have two fire poles.
OMG you live in the Ghostbusters building. That is AWESOME.
The ex-dudebro actually had a really good suggestion last week, and I was super surprised. So, we’re Magic players, and in our casual kitchen table night, I am the only woman. The game stores are pretty much dominated by men, and their Magic nights are also super dominated by men. I get super uncomfortable, for various reasons (hello there, rape ‘jokes’), so never go and just stick with our small kitchen table game nights, because at least I know all the people, and know where they all live. Ex-bro came across this Facebook page for The Lady Planeswalkers Society, which is an informal gathering of Magic groups that are for women, mostly in the Seattle area.
He thinks that maybe I should look into starting a similar group in Northern NV, where we are. Personally, I think this is an AMAZING idea, but I don’t know if I have the time/energy it would take to maintain such a group. Maybe enough to get the ball rolling, then hand off the leadership baton to someone more suited? I’m much more of the participant type than the leader type. Dude says he’s also willing to help me get things set up, including gratis art, graphic design and website work. But then there’s also my near-crippling fear of failure…
Any Magic-playing women in the audience? If something like this opened up in your area would you be excited?
DAMN this brings back the memories! I used to play Magic with my brother when we were younger; we went to those scary tournaments that are held in Marriott basements and stuff! I would always get ambushed by weird dudes because I was the only girl there, but my brother kinda looked out for me. Plus I was maybe 14 so I wasn’t very good at, you know, knowing what was happening. But at least I was good at Magic!
I started playing with my cousin when we were in middle school, via introduction from my aunt (yay gamer families!). I never did do tournaments, I like friendly games where not EVERYTHING IS AT STAKE, but I’ll do a few pick up games at cons, if I’m not getting terribad creeper vibes from whoever.
I will play at conventions if someone hands me a deck. I like the playing part! The deckbuilding? Eh, not so much.
I don’t play Magic but I do like games in general, and would jump at a chance to do a regular women’s game night.
I would love a women’s game night! That would be awesome.
Yes please. I’ve been debating talking to my local game shop about starting a ladies night…
Yes, this would also be awesome!
Ditto. I’m not in your area, but just as a data point: if there were a women’s gaming night in my area? OH HELL YEAH
Ugh, Magic. My problem has been less creepers (I’m a tall fucking lady, dudes don’t bother me all that much) and more just the level of absurd competition that the guys bring to it. Like, it’s impossible to have fun at most of the events unless you’re playing super competitive, and I hate it as a hobby.
I’ve always wanted to learn and never found playmates! So yes, I’d be a mix of excited to check it out and terrified I’d be the only Lady and the oldest one by far. But I would still go!
I’m in my 30’s, play with at least one guy in his 40’s (as well as the kids in their early 20’s), and currently teaching my mom, who is 56, because she loves the art, and she’s been watching me play for 20 years. Wide age ranges in my group, and I can’t see us being some great exception. You should totally check it out if there’s a learning group in your area!
I am not a Magic player. I am only commenting to say that this sounds like the sort of thing that Meetup is really good at. A Meetup group wouldn’t need all that much in the way of art and stuff, and they promote new groups to existing Meetup members and do really well at notifying people of events and sending them reminders and collecting RSVPs.
The main downside is that it costs money to run a group. Meetup claims that most organizers pay for it by asking group members to pay dues. I’ve never actually seen a group do that, but I suppose it could work. For the group I run, I just decided that I wanted the group to exist enough to pay the fees myself. It works out to $12/month.
I would LOVE to get back into Magic again, on a casual basis, if there was something like that in my area. (Winnipeg)
Happy Friday!
Any music recs? I’ve had “Take Me to Church” stuck in my head for going on four days now, except instead of the full song it’s the first two lines of the chorus. It’s gone from charming to annoying, so I’m looking for a stronger earworm to cancel it out.
(I got it stuck in my head because I was trying to cancel out my version of that new OneRepublic song. I fear there’s an earworm arms race beginning in my head.)
I HAVE RECOMMENDATIONS! Listen to Psylla by Glass Animals. Immediately.
When you’re done, “Superlove” by Charli XCX, “Counting” by Autre Ne Veut, and “Trouble is My Name” by the Dum Dum Girls.
Enjoy!!!!
True Story: I once listened to Take Me to Church on repeat for a 1.5 hour flight. And I still don’t hate it. I understand your plea for help.
I’ve been listening to Reflections (MisterWives) and Breakers (Local Natives) and Do You Remember (Ane Brun).
Has anyone here ever cured their own meat? How did it go? Boyfriend and I are considering curing our own capicola, because CURED MEATS. I’m a little worried about messing up and ruining expensive-ish meat!
Also, I applied to a job I want SO BAD, and I can’t stop thinking about it, which is dangerous and setting me up for disappointment. I’m usually pretty good at applying and then forgetting so it’s a surprise if I do hear back, but this job is PERFECT and I’m having a hard time forgetting. It’s probably going to go to an internal hire anyway, which is what I always assume. BLEH.
Also we’re having another Toronto toast-up tomorrow night! Hurrah!
I’ve cured and smoked pork belly to make bacon, but that’s as complicated as I’ve gotten (and it’s really pretty dang easy). Maybe a good one to start with, though?
Directions, pls!!
I don’t have a recipe on hand to link to (though I’m sure they exist) but I’ll try to sum up what I do:
Piece of pork belly, aprox. 2.5 lbs. (you could go up to 5lbs but I find it easier to work with 2 pieces of 2.5 if I want to upsize); skin-on if you can get it (helps keep from drying out in the smoking process)
Mix up salt/sugar – about 1 tbs of each per pound of meat – with whatever seasonings/spices you want; I use brown sugar because I like the flavor. Traditional is crushed bay leaf, black pepper, but you can add literally anything you think might be good. We’ve had great success with Zatar and Sachimi Togarishi.
Mix all that shit together and massage it all over your pork, stick pork in a ziplock bag and pop it in your fridge for at least a week but ideally closer to 2 weeks. Flip it over once in a while and if a lot of liquid has collected, pour it out.
When it’s sufficiently cured, remove it from the bag, rinse it off and pat it dry. If you have the patience let it air dry for a while (you can do this in the fridge if it’s hot out).
Now, at this point you can smoke the pork if you have access to a smoker or grill – I use my friend’s large Weber and a pan of soaked mesquite chips. as much smoke as possible with as little heat as possible. We get some charcoal going, then add hickory chips we’d soaked for an hour, pushed everything off to the side and put the lid on to let the smoke build up. We put the belly on a piece of tinfoil to a) make sure it didn’t stick to the rack and b) prevent flare ups by melting fat dripping onto wood.) You shouldn’t need more than 45 minutes for a 2.5 lb piece, though obviously that will vary depending on the size of the piece you use, how much smoke you have going on, how hot it’s getting, how much smoke you want to permeate the meat. A thermometer is essential because you want to keep the temp. low in the grill, and a probe thermometer for the meat is also great because you don’t want it to overcook. You’re aiming for the internal temperature to get to 150f and obviously, the longer it takes to get there the better (more smoke flavor!).
Alternatively, you can slow roast your pork in a low oven (250-300f) to get an unsmokey bacon, still tasty just different.
Once your pork has hit it’s temperature, let it cool down a spell then pop it in the fridge to rest for a few hours or overnight before you cut it. Though you should probably taste some before you put it away. It is totally edible and, if you’ve done everything right, delicious. If you’ve used a skin-on piece, you should be able to cut or even pull that skin off pretty easily once it’s cooled. It’s not edible (way too chewy) but throw it in the freezer and add it to the pot when you’re making stew or beans.
This week I realized my introvert-o-meter has been in the negative for way, way too long. I decided to take a working staycation. As in, I am still going to work, but I am doing no social activities and staying off Facebook for at least a week or two.
So far, so good! It has been tempting to check FB but not overwhelming. And I’ve been staying home in the evenings, cooking yummy food, playing Skyrim, watching all the Netflix, doing jigsaw puzzles, practicing clarinet, writing, and reading. I do have to go to a classical concert on Sunday, though.
I don’t know when I developed an active social life, and I love it, but it’s been really nice to hit the reset button.
I’m getting my next tattoo toniiiiiiiiiiiight why isn’t it time to leave wooooooooooooork
(It’s Latin from the Aeneid, “forsan et haec olim meminisse iuvabit,” which means “perservere and this, too, shall be a joy to remember.”)
I approve of this quotation.
Where is it going? (You don’t have to answer that.) I’m getting my third tattoo next Wednesday from this badass tattoo artist in San Francisco named Brucius. His stuff is amazing, check him out. I’m getting a red-tailed hawk on my upper right chest, but big, and half will be skeleton and half feathered, with cryptic geometry in the background. I’m excited.
Inside of my left bicep! I will probably post pictures once it is not all red or peely and gross.
Hurrah for new ink! Mine has just about healed up, other than one spot on the back of my neck that is being a bit irritated by necklines of tops.
My first tattoo is in that exact spot.
That’s a great tattoo idea! And quote.
I just wanted to shout out my love for Toasties everywhere! I went to the DC Toast Meetup at Politics and Prose Trivia Night (Wry Toast awww yeah!) and it was so much fun. We bonded over our mutual appreciation of cheese and random trivia. Hooray for the The Toast!
Yay trivia!!
YAAAYYYYY I’m so glad you had a good time!!!!!!! Wry Toast whoo! I’m so happy we could all make this happen and we definitely have to go to the next trivia night 🙂
Definitely! I already marked April 26th on my calendar.
Does anyone know the name of that Molly/Lestrade fanfic that was linked here a while ago? It was quite long and Lestrade was married at the start of it and it was very sweet? It’s killing me that I can’t find it!
Was there a period of time in it where they were dating and then they broke up for a while because of reasons? If there was, I’m no help in finding it but I’m looking for it too!
An Avalanche of Detour Signs?
Pretty sure that was me who linked it. An Avalanche of Detour Signs? My favorite Molly/Lestrade fic EVER. Hope that’s it. Even if it’s not, though, happy reading!
Why is this burned into my memory oh god NERD ALERT: An Avalanche of Detour Signs.
It’s the best.
Um, if you uh…you know, might have any equally-good-as (or even mostly-as-good-as) Molly/Lestrade fics you’d be willing to rec? I’m just saying I know someone who might be interested is all.
So I moved to NY from the UK about two years ago and as a British born person who’s ethnically African, I’ve never felt more black than since I moved here. Does anybody else feel the same, not just in NY but in the US in general?
I just really believed that NY was as multicultural as its presented and I’m finding its the complete opposite. People go so far out of their way to not be racist that they end up being racist.
Example: I was in the middle of a discussion on race with an acquaintance who decided to tell me I should meet their best friend whose family used to own slaves and now had this massive personal guilt about that as they felt we’d have a ‘really good’ conversation. When I said that my ancestors actually were never slaves and not involved in that, said acquaintance followed up with ‘Well no, I just mean that until you open your mouth and people hear your accent, they’ll assume your family were slaves.’ And this is not from some uneducated, ignorant person. They’re Ivy League educated, grew up in one of the most cosmopolitan cities in the world and in their late twenties so not even as if youth is on their side.
I’m just curious on your opinions on this as I’m in an inter-racial relationship and we’re planning on having kids soon. I’d always been happy to raise them in the US until I actually moved here and now I’m worried that my kids will constantly be reminded of their colour growing up in a way that I never was.
Oh my god, on behalf of all native New Yorkers I sincerely apologize. We’re not all bad!
I am not a New Yorker (although grew up NY-adjacent) and omg that is actually awful and actually racist? I don’t really assume anyone’s family were slaves and I certainly don’t suggest someone with slave owning heritage and “random black person” would have “a really conversation”?? What??
Unfortunately people can be really well educated but still really ignorant. I’m really sorry :/
I try not to assume anything about people’s backgrounds, though it’s hard not to (I’d imagine that if you went back far enough, a lot of African-Americans have at least one slave ancestor, but if that heritage doesn’t matter to them it shouldn’t matter to you.) But I gotta question the judgment of anyone who thinks “LET ME EXPLAIN MY GUILT AT YOU” is going to be a really good conversation. I bet they could have a better conversation on literally ANY OTHER TOPIC.
Yeah, that whole thing is one big balled-up interplay of racism and white privilege: the conflation of a British-born person with dark skin with an African-American; the assumption that all African-Americans are descended from slaves (as if there were no other way for a non-white family to emigrate, and no other path of descent for African-Americans than from enslaved forebears); the further presumption that the speaker may appropriately dictate whether and when a person who might be descended from slaves would like to discuss that family history and its social meaning; the way the acquaintance self-positions as the arbiter of what is a good subject and who is a proper correspondent for a conversation about race. This whole thing reeks of unconscious racism masquerading – probably even to itself – as enlightenment.
Middle-aged American here. Lived in 10 states. I love the US, but I can confirm that your impression of my country is accurate. We have an attitude problem around race, like no other country has. Yes, mixed race children (including some of my now-adult cousins) are constantly reminded of their color. I am white, but friends and relatives of color tell me how relaxing it was to be in Europe, for example, to have a break from the US pressures they encounter.
Jaya/polka_stripes/RoseCamelia: Thank you! Wasn’t expecting all the apologies and glad to see that I’m not over-reacting to what some have described as ‘well meaning but misguided’ comments.
RoseCarmelia – Slightly disheartening that that’s been your experience in 10 different states. I’m hoping that if we do settle here, we can find somewhere that things like this wouldn’t be an issue. I must just sound very naive but I genuinely didn’t expect to encounter things like this in NY. The above is a pretty bad example but there’s been a bunch of other wtf moments.
I understand Hawaii is pretty good about race – 40% of marriages there are mixed race, so people are not quite so weird about it. I assume most of these involve Asian people, native Hawaiians, and white people though; I know nothing at all about being black in Hawaii. They do have lovely beaches though! Or you could go back to Europe and maybe enjoy some socialism? I don’t know. Good luck…
From my friends that lived in Hawaii, I was under the impression that there is actually a lot of racial tension in that state. Not necessarily in every day-to-day interaction, but it’s definitely there and palpable, for a number of reasons: high rates of poverty among native Hawaiians, become a state so very recently, etc.
(I apologize in advance for a downer of a post. I know this is a mainly American readership here, so I feel like I need to stipulate at the outset that I love this country deeply and we wouldn’t continue to live here if we didn’t love it.)
Take this with a grain of salt, because I am white after all, but I will tell you that the general weight never goes away (my wife is Chinese-Canadian and I’m generic mongrel white Canadian). It feels like a weight to me, and I’m white, albeit in an interracial marriage with a biracial kid. I would describe it as the psychological equivalent of being at the doc’s or the dentist’s and having that lead vest placed on you. Many of our closest friends go back and forth between the US and abroad and the people of color describe it in the same way. You hop off the plane in, say, Toronto and it just feels different. Instantaneously. We step into that terminal and we breathe it in like oxyen. I wouldn’t say that people don’t notice skin color/race/ethnicity, but it’s much more benign and free of baggage. There are idiots everywhere (I mean, the UK has some serious issues with Muslims, for example), but it’s just DIFFERENT here as compared to elsewhere. One of our friends, who is black, moved from Montreal to attend med school at Duke. She ultimately moved back home once she finished her residency because she just couldn’t deal, even though it likely meant a massive paycut.
What I would say, however, is that in major cities, you can sort of carve out your own oasis, something that we were utterly unable to do in smaller cities and towns. You surround yourself with likeminded people, you go to cultural events, you hang out in places that are more open.
We love it here in Chicago, but ever since our son was born, we feel a massive pull homeward to Canada. This is not a thing that existed prior to his birth (he is 18 mos now, but we’ve been here for 14 years). In my wife’s words: “I want [our son] to feel normal, and he won’t ever feel that here.” (I’ve mentioned this story here before, but she said that when I had returned to Chicago after a promising job interview in Canada. I was taken aback at the raw emotion and, frankly, so was she.
Your description of feeling it like a weight is perfect. I see the confusion on people’s faces 99% of the time I answer with England when they ask where I’m from. They invariably follow up with ‘where are you really from?’ and I start having to explain my ethnic heritage which I don’t mind at all BUT I was born in England and raised there. So its very frustrating to have people constantly tell you that’s not where you’re ‘really’ from because I’m not white and thus don’t fit what they think English people look like.
Your point about carving out your own niche is sound but like your wife, I worry about how my kids will feel in schools etc.
That TNC article is great, I hadn’t seen it before. His comment on ”Drunk white people stumble up to you and make confessional or mistake you for some long-lost black friend from sixth grad” is incredibly apt. I’ve had drunk strangers ask if they could touch my hair as it looked soft and how they didn’t think black people’s hair could be non-afro. Since the Oscars, I’ve had drunk people tell me I look just like Lupita Nyong’o but ‘much lighter’ when in actual fact, we look absolutely nothing like alike. And I never know what to say because they’re ‘trying to be nice’ and if you call them out on that shit, you come across like some crazy race warrior with a chip on their shoulder. *sigh*
I’m really sorry that you have to deal with all of this, especially regarding the last part about not really being able to push back without being Angry Black Person. I will say, however, that there are a lot of really great people here, and New York may be the best place in the country to create your own oasis. You’ll learn strategies of dealing with it, and it will get easier after a time.
Well if they are ivy league educated they are probably awash in privilege (even if they themselves are not, the environment tends to gravitate towards that) and the person might have trouble relating with or dealing with race/class/social distinction.
Sorry to double post, and also to bring up TNC twice today, but this post of his absolutely knocked me on my ass. This is his reflection in the other direction as an African American being in Paris (when he talked about the trip, I told him he might be surprised at how people don’t fixate on his blackness):
http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/…
I think your experience is probably something you/your child are likely to encounter throughout your life in the U.S., sadly. If I were about to have a child who was any ethnicity other than white, I would seriously consider moving to a country where racial attitudes were more developed, for their sake and my own. There’s only so many of these infuriating conversations you can have before they start really affecting the quality of your life overall.
I wish I could find the blog post that Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie read part of on Fresh Air, but I think what she’s saying will feel familiar to you. http://www.npr.org/2013/06/27/195598496/americana…
New York feels really segregated to me, even though it is probably much better than other parts of the US. Or maybe it’s not? It does have historical black districts which for positive as well as negative reasons have tended to resist integration.
I’m here again visiting this weekend, and this weekend exceptionally decided to AirBnB a place in Bed-Stuy in Brooklyn, right by the Utica stop on the A-line. Every time so far that I’ve taken the train, by the time we reach Jay St./MetroTech, I am the only non-person-of-color on the entire subway car. A subway car chock full of people. It is insane. It really is crazy. Like some magic sorting device descended on the subway car and sorted everybody out into the appropriate neighborhoods. It continues this way for stop after stop. And I guess this feels natural to people, white and black, who grow up with it – ?
I have to agree with everything people said here, but I also want to add that there are some pockets of happily integrated and multicultural communities. I am mixed-race (black/italian/asian) and my parents deliberately chose to move to the neighborhood where I grew up in the 1980s because it was the only place they felt safe as a family. I think it was a wise decision — I didn’t feel self-conscious about my race until after we moved out of that neighborhood; there were tons of people who looked like me, lots of mixed families and integrated schools… and a general energy of peace rather than tension. it could be different now of course (I’m talking about Mt. Airy in Philadelphia), and no community can exist in a vacuum, but I think it’s worth investigating places like those if you decide to stay in the U.S.
OH MY GOD, THE MATCH FOR RESIDENCY JUST HAPPENED ANY MY PARTNER IS MOVING TO THE CITY I MOVED TO EARLIER THIS YEAR. I AM SO SO SO HAPPY.
Eeeeeee!!! Hooray!
Take THAT Match!,
I’m really craving Cincinnati Chili, but the only recipe I have for it is using one of the spice packets, and you can’t buy them in Oregon. 🙁 I just want chili on my spaghetti with cheese and onions; is that too much to ask?
I lived in the greater Cincinnati area for like ~5 years and still get cravings for coneys made with Cincinnati chili only to be told that they are “disgusting,” which is patently false.
Skyline sells canned/frozen chili in some grocery stores in other states, if that helps?
I haven’t seen it in Oregon or Washington. I wouldn’t mind making it from scratch but I don’t trust the recipes I see online.
I know this is a few days old, but try the recipe on The Kitchn – it’s not prefect (definitely everything needs to be chopped much much smaller – I actually pureed the onion, garlic and pepper instead) but it’s not terrible. I added a little more nutmeg and a pinch of sugar and it was a pretty fair approximation.
My biggest problem is finding the right cheese!!! There’s something magical about that electric orange stuff.
http://www.thekitchn.com/recipe-cincinnati-chili-…
I just came back from Peru and it was so so so soooo beautiful it seems like a fairy kingdom! But also stressful because #SAFETYCODES and #PLUMBING are just not really a thing. Plus, altitude sickness IS a Real Thing that I severely underestimated and *may have* mocked prior to arriving at 11,000 feet. But overall it felt like an ADVENTURE and the morning after Machu Picchu I woke up to the sound of a river outside the window and felt like the sound was in my spirit and it was magic.
Toasties, what were some of your fav vacations?
I have a friend who is about to go to Peru and I will pass your comments on to her…
OMG i have so many thoughts. seriously, let me know if she wants more specifics.
I got altitude sickness at about 7,500 ft in Colorado, so I can’t imagine 11,000! I almost passed out after biking up a small hill, and then realized my morning headaches weren’t only related to alcohol.
Peru, man. Peru. Tell me about all of the things you ate.
CEVICHE that was life altering. So Many Plantains! So much Coca Tea. Great local beer — Cusqueno! And an alpaca steak that I felt bad about because they’re SO CUTE but it was so good! Couldn’t do the cuy (guinea pig) because I had one as a kid and i would feed it and tried to hold it every now and then although it was an evil bastard that bit me.
The life altering ceviche! The leche de tigre!
PERU! I visited there while I was studying abroad and yeah, one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been. Altitude sickness is no joke! I had to spend a lot of my time in Cusco moving very, very slowly because anything else made me feel like passing out.
I’m so glad we weren’t the only ones because so many people acted like it was no big deal and we were struggle-city.
Our bodies are just ~extra attuned~ to our natural surroundings. Or at least that’s what I tell myself to make me feel better!
I thought I was going to die at Mauna Kea observatory, which is 13,00 feet I think? I did nothing but ride up there in a car. There were a couple people in other cars who just barfed the whole time and then went away without observing anything. I felt sad for them. I can’t imagine hiking or doing anything anywhere near that high!
My favorite vacation I think was Iceland. Very peaceful, lots of strange rocks, no sunburn, and also we stayed pretty close to sea level the whole time.
did anyone else read that horrible scarlett johansson profile by anthony lane in the new yorker? i wanted to vomit.
Just googled it, and…bleh. That is damn creepy. I’ve never been a big fan of Anthony Lane, however, who has always come off to me as extremely snide and self-satisfied. More interested in making a witty quip rather than actually reviewing films, and so often downright dismissive (particularly of “genre” titles).
oh yeah, i should have posted a link! Here it is, if anyone else is interested: http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2014/03/24/140…
I actually thought the first paragraph was satire and can’t tell if actually maybe it is? “These are exciting times for Scarlett Johansson. In the past year, she has played the girlfriend of a porn addict, in “Don Jon”; she has played an operating system, using nothing but the honey of her voice, in “Her”; and she has seen her friend Scott Stringer become New York City Comptroller. ”
REALLY? Her friend became NYC Comptroller is exciting news? And “girlfriend of a porn addict” ?
Guys, last week my roommate (a prince among men) bought a 1950s cocktail recipe book. IT’S AMAZING.
I’ve made a few of the drinks and it’s super fun (A French 75, which I’d made before, and a Master of the Hounds, which I had not!)
Guys, you can drink a Master of the Hounds. It’s rye and cherry brandy (though I use cherry Heering, as it’s a cherry brandy based liqueur.)
What cocktails are you making?
Ive seen conflicting recipes for a French 75! Based on a now-closed bar I really loved, it was cognac topped w champagne and a fruit garnish (orange peel / cherry / pineapple chunk) but outside of that place (and my house) its something completely different? What was it in 1950?
So the standard recipe that I’ve seen is gin + lemon juice + simple syrup and champagne, and that’s what I make.
The recipe in the book is essentially the same except it calls for powdered sugar instead (I’m wondering if what they mean by that is actually superfine sugar, because powdered sugar as we have it now has cornstarch in it.)
However, it does have a recipe for a French 95, which is the same except with bourbon, and a French 125, which is the same except with brandy.
I think the only thing to do is for you each to make your version of a French 75 and I will compare (after you teleport them to me). It’s for science.
Yay cocktails! We used to drink more wine, but my wife cut way back in her drinking and I don’t really like the pressure of finishing a bottle during the week by myself after she has a half glass on the weekend. I think I’ve mentioned one of them here before, but I love me a Martinez and a Toronto. Manhattans and variants thereof are sort of the standby. Lately, we’ve been branching out into different types of bitters and vermouths. (I’m currently obsessed with Fernet Branca.)
Martinez
3 1/2 ounces Old Tom Gin
1 3/4 ounces sweet vermouth
2 bar spoons maraschino liqueur, preferably Luxardo
4 dashes orange bitters
Ice
Orange twist, for garnish (optional)
(1) Chill 2 cocktail glasses. Place all of the measured ingredients in a cocktail shaker filled halfway with ice. Stir briskly with a bar spoon until thoroughly chilled, about 30 seconds. Strain into the chilled glasses. Garnish with an orange twist, if so desired.
Toronto
4 ounces rye whiskey or Canadian whisky
1/2 ounce Fernet Branca
1/2 ounce simple syrup
2 dashes bitters (see headnote)
2 thin strips orange or tangerine zest
(1) Fill a small pitcher halfway with ice. Add the whiskey, Fernet Branca, simple syrup, and bitters. Stir continuously for about a minute, until the mixture is well-chilled.
(2) Strain into two cocktail classes and add a strip of orange or tangerine peel to each cocktail.
Tonight I am making a kind of gross, hangover-making blue raspberry martini thingy because it is what I drink on game days and I am horribly superstitious. 🙁 I’m hoping just one will do it and I can switch over to something else.
The infamous Negroni Season thing from the Awl almost ruined them for me, but I’ve been on a big Negroni kick lately, or rather, variations on the Negroni. Current fave is the Kingston Negroni made with Smith & Cross Jamaican rum instead of gin. It’s a high-proof rum that’s got this weird but great funk to it that I love in drinks. I’ve also been drinking a lot of Aviations but I’m usually too lazy to make them at home despite the fact that I have all the ingredients.
Oh man, I do want to try an aviation! Maybe I’ll see if I can pick up the ingredients at the liquor store… But it would probably put me overbudget for alcohol this month.
I have not been making great life choices.
The Creme de Violette and the Maraschino are investment bottles but a little goes a long way so they’ll last you a while. And the Maraschino pops up in a surprising number of cocktails, so it’s a nice one to have on hand.
My son! He did it! He got into his top college choice!
(if he’d gotten into the either of the 2 that rejected him, his top choice might be different, but still.)
Okay, now the other schools can do as they like over the next 2 weeks of notifications. (I mean, obviously they all need to accept him & give him full rides & also a dappled pony, but whatever.)
Thats fantastic! I remember your story about him and he sounds just delightful! +1 for Males Worth Keeping After Revolution.
Hooray! That’s awesome.
Congratulations! Such good news
Mysterious leg bruises – who’s got them? How do they get there? Toasties, I have 5 bruises on my lower legs and have no memory of getting racked in the shin/calf. It’s like I’ve got selective amnesia or something.
Also, a public service announcement that can’t be repeated enough – ladies, if you don’t sit on the public toilet seat, WIPE IT OFF WHEN YOU STAND UP. Those of us who actually sit on the seats, while perhaps not as germaphobic as you are, still don’t enjoy sitting in someone else’s pee.
Banging into open dresser or desk drawers.
I bruise with just a touch. I can get a bruise without knowing I bumped into anything. Getting in and out of the car with my habitual awkwardness is where most of mine come from. And I can’t forget the 2 beloved little dogs. They gently nudge my shins, seriously gently, to get my attention: Hey, down here! Pet me! Now! But they leave behind bruises. Doctors don’t ask me if anyone at home is hurting me until bruises appear on upper arms or thighs.
Sometimes I get bruises when I haven’t had enough vitamin C.
I’m always covered in mysterious bruises, because I am clumsy and I bruise easily. It’s gotten to the point where a woman once stopped me on the street to ask if I needed help. :/
Platform bed in a small room means knee bruises at all times. Small, bouncy dog that loves to play hard means boob and belly bruises all the time.
i get really severe mysterious bruises right before i get my period.
I’m a bruise-y peach creature to begin with, but I have a standing rotation of 5-8 bruises on my shins and usually a few at desk-height on my thighs, too. I have a nice one on my hand right now with zero recollection of whapping it into anything.
I think some of them must come from less-sharp, long-term pressure. Can that happen? Like, at work, my computer tower is under the desk, and I often end up sitting with my knee resting against the top corner of it, and then I’ll find a bruise in that area and be like, “How the hell did this get here?”
I used to get them a lot on my mid-thigh in grad school, and then I realized it was from lugging a heavy shopping basket around at the grocery store. Didn’t actually hurt at the time, but the bumping / pressure definitely made bruises.
(Also, the aforementioned bumping into any available corner.)
Holding certain poses in yoga especially kneeling bruises at the tops of my shins. Most of the other bruises on my legs come from ghosts punching me or cat whiskers.
Toilet hoverers are the cause of the problem they are trying to avoid. Stop peeing on the seat! Clean up after yourself! Argh.
Have you been carrying a bag which might have hit your legs at about that height? It happens so easily!
I got them from an allergy to my birth control – dime sized round bruises all over my legs. When the doctor saw them, she said “it’s either birth control or sulfa drugs. Which one are you taking?”
Hey Toasties! Long-time lurker here. I’m about to have more time to comment because, um, I’m about to quit my job! My job I’ve been working toward for years! I hate it and I just can’t torture myself anymore. But I am terrified about the upcoming job search. I haven’t had to search for jobs in a long time. Anyway, does anyone know of any Philly area Toast meetups?? Hope everyone is having a lovely Friday!
No Philly resources, sorry, but I am slowly dragging Toasties to LinkedIn (I’m Heather Seggel there, and most places) so we can stop working shit jobs and build a misandrist temp agency. Pile on if you dare, and message me so I don’t get confused by your nonusername. I am easily confused.
I spent last weekend in Chicago for the Chicago Zine Fest which was great & awesome. I spent time with some of my best (long distance) friends in the world, got tattooed, read my own dumb writing in front of people for the first time in years, and had an all around great time… But am now suffering from a brutal fun-over. Any strategies for coping? What do you do when you have to return to the drudgery of “real life” (going to your stupid job, cleaning your stupid house, etc?) I have pretty much just been wallowing, which has exhausted its usefulness.
Take yourself out to a nice dinner somewhere new where you live…is my advice. Having lived in Chicago and moved away and returns for visits biannually, I can safely say that you’re not alone in the post-Chicago-visit, fun-over effect. Actually I am missing Chicago quite a lot lately, and I am lucky enough to live in beautiful Oakland, CA. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s because I know spring time in Chicago was always intensely optimistic feeling–intoxicating. Or maybe I miss my friends and the way people behave there.
I have been looking at the FB page of this man I really wanted to get back with, last summer (he was my high school crush) but we had a huge fallout over his married female “friend” who periodically leaves her husband and several kids to come from another state and lead him around by his nose, apparently with the blessings of his family. Everyone thinks they’re “just friends” “giggle!” except me and any normal person reading their posts to each other or seeing her nestled next to him in their photos. He’s indignant with me and says she just needs to get away from her kids, how lovely. I’ve raged and wept over this for months and have today concluded for the last time, that I was the fool. So, there’s that.
So many men are so much more deserving of your attention. Go talk to anyone but this one. Talk briefly to everyone. Extend conversation with the ones that interest you. Until they stop interesting you. Move on. Keep meeting new people, including women. Interesting women introduce you to interesting men they know. Meet new people! You deserve so much better quality people.
Thank you
It is beauuuuutiful out here in central KY, so I took the afternoon off work to enjoy the weather and drink wine and watch basketball (and talk bracket trash with my brother). I think its supposed to snow on Sunday because Sundays are for snow here, apparently, but today is just a perfect March day.
I bought a surfboard and a wetsuit and went surfing last weekend, and plan to do so again this weekend! California is great!
The best part is sitting on the board waiting for a wave, looking at the shoreline from a perspective you hardly ever see. <3 <3 <3
I’m having A Wedding with ceremony and reception and partying in five weeks. (End of April!) And after being delightfully chill and not caring, I am now MEGA NERVOUS about everything. Where are all my response cards??? How many people will be there?? What if no one mingles and has fun?? What if it’s awful and a terrible party? What if my hair looks awful? What if what if what if what if what if? The stress is starting to bum me out and I’m starting to wish the planning part was over and the fun part is here. And the photos.
It’s fine to be nervous!
I was a wreck for months ahead of mine, and I only had a teeny wedding. But you know, even if something goes wrong, things have a way of working themselves out. And people tend to remember the good things (like awesome food!) and not remember the bad (like weird half-assed speeches from the best man, as a completely hypothetical example). That’s what I tell myself, anyway.
I recommend reading a good book or two to try to get your mind away from weddingy things.
And good luck! It’s going to be fine!
I could have written this exact post! I am also getting married in five weeks, and I am fretting about all of these things after about 10 months of “planning” aka not caring about things. I have had a couple of honest-to-god snot-filled meltdowns about being “an imposition” and “what if no one comes” and “why did I invite all of these people” and “oh my god I hate being the center of attention this way.” But on the other hand, my dress is SO pretty and my dude looks SO good in his suit and basically as long as there is food, booze, and music I feel like people will have fun. Right?
(But seriously, where are my response cards, and why the hell didn’t I go paperless in 2014??)
It will be wonderful and your hair will be gorgeous, and even if it isn’t and it isn’t, it is still a wedding and you will still be married to the person you love at the end of it, and that is the most important thing.
… I can say now. Five weeks out I was feeling exactly the same. Hugs if you want them!
It will be fine and everyone will have fun! And even if they don’t you still end up married. So long as all the guests survive the evening, you win!
If people haven’t responded by now, set your mom / maid of honor / sister / self to calling the non-responders and harassing them into giving you an answer.
YES this is an excellent job for Mama Aravis.
Wedding planning advice:
Deep wedding anxiety is weird and strange; my best advice is to literally outrun it. Just run flat out for ten or twenty minutes. (or run flat out, walk gasping, run, walk gasping) The anxiety can’t keep up.
Response cards. Oh heavens. Set a date – a weekend date – and then, if you haven’t gotten a response card by then, CALL EVERYONE. It’ll be a million people, and you’ll have to be weirdly sweet and explain about how you need to know how many guests will be there and of course if they can’t make it you understand. I did this A BILLION TIMES, and then my cousin got married the next year and EVERYONE was prompt with their response cards because I terrified them by being polite and insistent and possibly a little on edge. So know that you’re making the world better for future marrying people.
Your hair will look lovely, because you are the bride. A bride can have poison oak on her face, and everyone will say “oh, so radiant!”
People in fancy clothing are predisposed to have fun: keep them well fed at all times and they will take care of all the other bits. If you can press hors d’oeuvres into their hands during the ceremony, it will be a party for the ages.
Congratulations!
How do you give liquor as a gift? I recently obtained a few bottles of nice-ish whiskey that I probably won’t drink (because i already have a lot of other whiskey, you guys) and I figure I should give them away, but none of my close friends are big whiskey drinkers. Would it be weird and inappropriate to just hand a bottle to my coworker, or to the desk guy at my apartment building? Or should I just hoard it for myself?
Save it until you’re invited over to somebody’s house? Or invite yourself to somebody’s house and be like “I’ll bring some nice-ish whiskey” ?
I say keep it on hand! Even if you’re not a whiskey drinker (are you some sort of monster?) you might have someone over who is, and then you’ll be a really classy host who can pour them a nice whiskey.
Agreed! It’s not like it’ll go bad. Plus, maybe you’ll find an proper whiskey-worthy gift giving occasion (a birthday, someone did a special favor for you, house warming present, etc.) and you can put it to good use then rather than just giving it out to the first person that walks past.
send it to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I vote give one bottle to the doorman on some holiday as a bonus! (New Year’s is best, but far away, so other holidays may do).
I wish my close friends weren’t big whiskey drinkers! They always end up drinking all of mine. 😉 Start talking a lot about how you have all this nice-ish whiskey that you’ll never drink and you don’t know what to do with it and I bet you’ll find takers soon enough.
For those of you who read last week’s lead climbing story – I took the test this week at an easier gym and passed! Still primarily going to climb super-easy lead routes, but I’m excited.
I’m also excited to try on New Glasses soon. (Not as excited to have my eyes dilated this afternoon.)
Hey, that’s awesome! Also, a lady-climbing-friend shared this article with me a while ago; wanted to pass it on to you! It’s more outdoor-climbing-oriented, but still pretty relevant, I think.
http://www.prana.com/life/2013/08/13/a-climbing-c…
This is great – thanks for sharing.
My parents’ 25th wedding anniversary is next month, which is pretty cool. When I was home over Christmas, my aunt told me she was planning a surprise party, complete with catering and a DJ. I asked if I could help, or help pay, and she said she had it covered.
Then, the other day, she texted me to ask if I’m planning to do anything for my parents’ 25th because, you know, it’s coming up. And pretended that the conversation we had IN DECEMBER never happened.
Now, I have to drop several hundred $$ that I wasn’t planning to spend, and plan a party from another state, with not-really-enough-time. FAMILY, AMIRITE?
Luckily my mom’s best friend is a rock star and agreed to help with planning when I frantically texted her.
Have you actually brought up to her the conversation y’all had back in December? Or would that not be worth the awkwardness?
I have! She claims it never happened.
My aunt, while I love her VERY much, is somewhat notorious for not coming through on promises so I should have seen this coming and followed up with her a few times.
The kicker is that I know she will tell my parents: “She wasn’t even going to plan anything – I had to say something to her!”
Which is crazy because while I feel like it’s very sweet of you to do something, you shouldn’t really have to? Especially if you live in another state. Planning parties for other people should always be a kind surprise and not an obligation. You’re a good kid, though!
Thank you! My parents have done a lot for me and my younger brother so it’ll be good to do something nice for them. They deserve it!
You are just a sweetheart to do all this so cheerfully, and especially on such short notice. And to be appreciative of your mom’s bestie’s help! I’m glad it’s all working out and sorry you have to scramble to do it.
Agreed, a very good kid! Especially compared to my brother and I, who never do anything for my parents’ anniversaries. Partly it’s because they don’t make a big deal about it themselves (though we learned recently they’d been lying about what year they got married because my brother was an “oops” baby and that was scandalous then, so maybe that’s why they never made a big deal of it.), but it’s also partly because, well…it’s THEIR anniversary, right? They’re the ones who are married and if they want to celebrate they should be planning it.
She claims it never happened.
I made that weird barking-laughter sound OUT LOUD at this. That is some affrontery! It’d almost be admirable if it weren’t so bizarre.
Y’all are much nicer than I am. I am evil and would repeat to *everyone* the story about the aunt, closing with “she claims it never happened!” Followed by a big belly laugh. Every time. Tell everyone at the party, everyone.
I might break out the concern-trolling – or, on reflection, the legitimate concern, because just up-and-forgetting those plans is a potential danger sign.
“Hey… is Auntie okay? A few months ago she told me at some length about her elaborate plans for an anniversary surprise party for you two, but now she has no memory of it. Was this just a blip, or does she forget things often?”
Because either she’s faking memory loss to avoid the social consequences of changing her mind, which is not okay, or she’s actually forgotten a fairly involved piece of planning, which is a useful piece of information for her immediate family, especially the ones who might be caregivers for her in the future.
Much better. Wish I’d thought of it. I was right: you are much nicer than I am.
Naw, the belly laugh sounds good to me, and much more direct! My solution is either passive-aggressive concern trolling or Debbie Downer sad-trombone stuff, depending upon how it’s intended.
I guess most of my response – between belly laughs and concern – would depend on what Auntie is like usually. If forgetting (or “forgetting” and shoving off duties on others) is her wont, I might take your tack and laugh my ass off all evening long.
But I still remember when I sent my rigidly-correct, quite elderly aunt a wedding invitation and she missed the RSVP date. I called my mom up all concerned because Auntie failing in her etiquette meant something very bad was going on. (Turns out, she had died quite recently and her grown-up kids didn’t have my mother’s new phone number or address, so we hadn’t heard.) Sometimes a red flag really is a red flag.
Damn that’s good.
I think, if she does say that to your parents, it is important to shut that down by good-humoredly/warmly saying something like — “what a kidder you are — you know that’s not true.”
It’s one thing to come up with a plan for a party and then renege, but it is another thing to set up a toxic relationship dynamic like that that implies you are somehow incapable/irresponsible precisely at the moment that you did something difficult and responsible and meritorious. I’ve seen it in my extended family and it can wreak long-term havoc on people’s sense of self and their accomplishments and the perceptions of people in the family about them. Possibly I am over-reacting — sorry if so. But the cognitive dissonance of what you predict your aunt will say can be a real kicker.
And cheers for your planned party!
I also have a crazy unreliable aunt, and I can totally see her pulling something like this. THAT SUCKS! Argh. Sorry you have to deal with this.
A [person redacted] in my life loves to make elaborate expensive plans for family parties, tell evvvvvvverybody how hard she’s working and how much she’s spending (which, hey, nobody but you wants this, so please don’t).
Then shortly before the event, she’ll call up me and whoever else is foolish enough to pick up the phone and ask “So, what you’re planning to do for the party, you are planning something aren’t you? Oh, anything is fine, whatever you think! Oh, really you think that? Well, no, not that.”
And then there’s a ten-minute guessing game before we narrow down what she actually thinks you should bring, and it’s always A. five times the food and work you’d “volunteered” at the beginning of the phone call and B. her favorite thing.
Nowadays when she asks “So, what are you going to do for the party,” I answer with a sweet “Oh, I’m sure you have it all well in hand, I wouldn’t insult you by butting in!” When she persists (and she does persist), I follow up with “Gosh, since you said so many times that you were handling it all, I’m afraid let my whoooooole schedule fill up. I won’t have a chance to do a thing!” (And then I show up with a couple of pies or whatever, but STILL, it is very satisfying to watch her twist and dance at the flat refusal.)
I love your way of handling this. Ah, manipulative family members!
I turned 30 this week, and none of my family called me. I think it is due to coming out about my open marriage, but as there is only silence, I can only speculate. Anyone else who had to come out as anything have any tips for having less feels about my family’s disapproval?
Fortunately, everyone who is actually around me is amazing and my birthday party tomorrow is crepes and karaoke. My boyfriend is meeting the rest of my friends, and I am really excited!
Aw, man, I’m sorry your family is being like that. I hope you had a lovely birthday nonetheless, and send you many very warm wishes for a happy and healthy and fun new year/decade.
I did get to spend all day alone, on the last day of a 4 day weekend that I spent 3 days with my husband.
And, I learned how to make a successful quiche. So, it wasn’t bad, just disappointing.
I’m sorry this happened to you 🙁 Happy birthday from your Toast family!!!
Happy birthday! I’m sorry your family members are doofused but the rest of your celebration sounds lovely!
When my mom found out I was bi (she was doing some ill-advised snooping on the internet and found a photo of me holding hands with a girl while also holding a cigarette–I’m not sure which bothered her more), she had to go to therapy for, like, six months. So I can sorta feel you here? It’s tough. And I’m not gonna lie, our relationship never really recovered. I dealt with it by allowing myself to acknowledge/believe that I am a Fucking Awesome Person regardless of if my family approves of me or not. And I bet you’re a Fucking Awesome Person, too. Happy 30th birthday, bb, and remember that your own internal approval of yourself is more important than outside approval or validation–from anyone.
Thank you. It definitely helps that the people I’ve chosen in my life are all happy for me and supportive. I do think I’m an awesome person, I just keep feeling like my life choices are hurting my relationships with my family members and that’s hard to live with.
Yay for knowing you’re awesome! And, if I can give some unasked-for advice? Feel free to blow me off, it’s cool. But it’s not life “choices.” IT’S YOUR LIFE. It’s who you are. You’re not making the “choice” to hurt your relationships with your family members by living in a way that represents the person you are. You are just living YOUR LIFE. They’re the ones making the choice not to support you.
XOXO
Between this and your body image post you win open thread!
Aw. <3
I get what you’re saying. For me right now (not to speak for how I might feel in the future), I feel like it IS a choice that I made with my husband to be open. And, they are also choosing to not support me.
But yes, I really came out because I needed to be as truthful about my life as I could be. And although I could have said things better when I did have those conversations, I wouldn’t take back having had those conversations and letting the chips fall where they may.
Nope, not you. Your family members are the ones hurting their relationships with you.
Aw, that stinks. I’m sorry. But it’s great to hear that you’re surrounded by people who love you and want to make you happy and celebrate you. Happy belated birthday, and happy upcoming party, and most of all happy crepes!
Happy Birthday!! Not calling on your birthday is not an ok way to show disapproval.
Coming out as poly to my parents has been something of a process. Which I will probably have to start all over again in my next relationship, as the relationship I went through this all about is over. I had slipped phrases like “my boyfriend’s girlfriend” into conversation at several points over the years and even talked some about these people and their relationships. And then one Christmas visit it suddenly dawned on my mother that this was A Thing. And she had Concerns. What about diseases? and emotional well-being? and my eventual ability to settle down and have children, something she had never shown any interest in before? We had a serious-face conversation, which she then repeated with my sister [about me] next time she visited her. We haven’t really talked about it since, and I still have no idea what my father knows. Mom thinks he knows nothing and I shouldn’t tell him, but he was there for the earlier casual slipping into conversation, so no idea.
Anyway, enjoy your boyfriend, friends, and crepes! Your family will likely come around in time.
Aww, happy birthday! Crepes & karaoke sounds like a genius time, and if you were not the clearly well-adjusted and mature person you are, every time you look around the room you could think about how the people who don’t want to talk to you because of your life choices are clearly incapable of fun and could never enjoy themselves as much as you will.
Happy Birthday! You are 100% entitled to an ocean of feels when family shut down on you, especially as you come into a new decade of being. When I came out to my mom she basically stuffed me back in with one sentence (ME:…because I’m gay. HER: Oh, is that what you’re considered now?), and I freaked the fuck out. One friend suggested I breathe a lot and remember that it’s just hard to deal with something that changes your whole view of this person you gave birth to and therefore feel some ownership of/responsibility for. I told her to shut the hell up and go away, but in the long run it made it easier for me to see her view and extend some compassion toward her completely wrongheaded insensitivity. Enjoy your crepes and keep your chin up!
That is so lame. You can’t control how they behave, you can only know that you were true to yourself, and that’s all that matters. Happy 30th!
TOASTIES!
I have been totally absent on all the things! Grad school is busy! And here’s the question and its sort of a tall order: ARE YOU A TOSTIE AT TEXAS A&M / Living in College Station? Do you know any rad humans who live here? I only have friends / people I have to be around all day in the oceanography department. For real! I am looking for Toastie -like people to surround myself with. And or do you have brilliant ideas about where to find thoughtful, feminist, intersectional types?
I’m just not doing a very good job of being proactive about finding people I could be friends with, who would make this a place I feel like I could stay for a PhD.
I live in the DFW area, but my sister lives in Bryan/College Station and it is pretty awesome. She’s @racheldohmann on twitter and can probably introduce you to some awesome ladies.
COLLEGE STATION TOASTIES MEETUP at Duddley’s Draw on Friday at 6 p.m. I look forward to meeting you! I’m gonna re-post this as a reply to the other CS Toasties in hopes they will get it via e-mail.
Um, no, but hey, come visit Houston & we can tall about Toastie-like things!
(Okay, there must be Toasties at A&M. I just… live in a really conservative suburb of Houston & all the Aggies I know fit in here really well and their relatives at A&M fit in with them really well and it’s possible I have a skewed view of the demographic, but… um, good luck, is what I’m saying.)
No, your view is not skewed. I’ve been in College Station a year now. Aggies: ugh.
I am not there, but my sister is, she works in the geology dept at A & M, and she is a good, thoughtful, feminist person. She probably reads this site, is pretty smart and nerdy, and I don’t think she has a bunch of friends in the area yet, even though she’s been there for a couple years. Agh, I hate to drop this and leave, but I’m about to leave work and not look at a computer again until Monday. But if you reply to this and want to know more, I’ll see it then. I’ll play friend-matchmaker.
COLLEGE STATION TOASTIES MEETUP at Duddley’s Draw on Friday at 6 p.m. I look forward to meeting you! I’m gonna re-post this as a reply to the other CS Toasties in hopes they will get it via e-mail.
OMG. I thought I was alone. I’ve been in College Station for a year. Feeling alone for a year. I’m likely a good bit older than you are, but I am damned entertaining, if I do say so myself. And my partner just finished a biology PhD. You two may have intersecting geekery. My e-mail is at verizon.net. I hate losing anonymity, but here goes: rcmcdowell. I’ll buy you lunch.
I really did not think this was going to work. I was pretty sure I was going to have to join a book club. RoseCamelia, I sent you an awkward e-mail. algebraic, I would love to meet your sister! I would really like to meet anyone who could use some friends here. (I spend a fair amount of time in Halbouty the Geology building our Clean Lab is over there) Do check back on Monday maybe we can set something up?
Did not get any e-mail. Please try again. I can connect you with the local progressives group and the atheists (if appropriate) meetup.
COLLEGE STATION TOASTIES MEETUP at Duddley’s Draw on Friday at 6 p.m. I look forward to meeting you! I’m gonna re-post this as a reply to the other CS Toasties in hopes they will get it via e-mail.
Hello! Are well still meeting up today at 6? Duddley’s Draw? How shall we know each other?
Yes! I still plan to be at Duddley’s Draw at 6 tonight. twort is sick and can’t make it. We can drink a toast to twort’s health. I am wearing jeans and a blue shirt today. I am middle-aged, white, apple-shaped, with short brown hair.
Ok! YAY! I am wearing shorts and an orange shirt with tea cups. My sister who is visiting will be joining us.
Hi, checking in today. My sister works in the International Ocean Discovery Program, and she is about to leave on Thursday for a month or so on one of the research boats. Boo, bad timing. I’ll keep an eye out for any future meetups and let her know about them. If you want to find her or send her a campus email or something, umm…I don’t want to give away too much anonymity, but I told you where she works and her last name is a color. A color that’s halfway between black and white. You can say her oldest sister sent you. If you want to, that might be wierd, but I can assure you that she’s really been looking for friends and would probably be happy to meet any like-minded people.
Your Sister works at IODP? Now I really want to meet her! I think a month from now will probably be about the right time for TAMU Tosties round two, and I’ll be sure to connect with her.
I’m a Toastie at A&M, and can I just say I FEEL YOU about difficulties finding like-minded people. There are three of us, so that’s enough for a Toast meetup at Duddley’s, yes? 🙂
I’m in. When? I have a 9-5 job.
Yay! I’m in the same boat. What about Friday at 6?
COLLEGE STATION TOASTIES MEETUP at Duddley’s Draw on Friday at 6 p.m. I look forward to meeting you! I’m gonna re-post this as a reply to the other CS Toasties in hopes they will get it via e-mail.
I am in. My sister will be visiting so I will be bringing her with me.
Bah! I’m horribly sick! College Station Toasties, carry on without me and please have another meetup soon!
Sorry to hear about horrible sickness. I hope you feel better soon.
My landlord is raising my rent a significant amount (this increase is *four times* the amount of last year’s increase), but it’s not enough to warrant the hassle of moving.
I’m annoyed and somewhat displeased, but I keep trying to remind myself how much I like this apartment (which is a lot!) and the area (which is awesome!). It’s now going to be just an average-priced apartment, rather than a pretty good deal.
In summary: Renting. Bah humbug.
Even if you owned it, the taxes and insurance would still be going up, so grass isn’t necessarily greener…
Oh absolutely! And this way, I get to keep my awesome building manager, who is an adorable old dude named Skip. I’m very pro-Skip.
Criminy. Is that legal, in your area? Might be worth a call to City Hall… I’m in my current apt by chance, landed in this area 5 years ago. This neighborhood is rent controlled, my old one was not.
Depending on where you live, there is probably a cap on how much your landlord can raise the rent each year. (I think it DC it was 10% per year.) Check in to tenant’s rights in your city/state.
Unfortunately, no such luck here — as long as the rent increase isn’t mid-lease, it’s apparently totally legal.
I want to thank everyone who reached out, both here and off-thread, last week when I was losing my shit after a possible attempted arson here. I am currently not on fire! And I am packing and planning to leave by the end of April! No new place lined up yet, but I will be a happy vagabond if need be. You all helped a lot in terms of getting me out of my brain and back in the body, so thankyouthankyou and come to my yard sale. Anyone who shows up and says “kill all men” gets a 90% discount.
Hey, so glad to hear things are feeling more stable and safe, and that you’ve made progress on your planning! That sounded like a really stressful, destabilizing event, and it’s no surprise it threw you for a loop.
I have 5 1/2 more work days until my maternity leave begins, and 19 more days until my daughter is due.
I am so ready to get out of this place. I just graded the last essay that I will grade this school year, and I want to dance a jig. I told facebook that I’m going to miss my students, but it is A LIE. I know new motherhood will be very hard and terrible in a lot of ways, but I am soooooo looking forward to trading being a teacher for being a stay at home mom, even if that will only be true for 4 months.
Also, being pregnant is for suckers. It is terrible and I hate it and I’m really sad that I’m going to have to go through this a second time, because we want at least 2 kids, and I am not rich enough to hire a surrogate for #2. I totally would, I do not care.
Congratulations! That’s so exciting!
Personally, I would be way more gung-ho about having a child if it didn’t require being pregnant. Or going through labor. Mothers should all automatically earn a medal of honor. Maybe a cash prize instead of a medal?
Yeah I want babies (in like 5 years) so badly but absolutely nothing about pregnancy sounds pleasant to me. I’m afraid I’m going to be the world’s meanest, most resentful pregnant lady which in some ways I want to (men don’t know how easy they have it!!!) but also don’t want to be an asshole (women have been doing this for generations, get over yourself).
@MrsTeacherFace we are going to have to stay in touch for a long, long while so I can whine to you about being pregnant one day.
People keep saying that they loved being pregnant, but I think the only possibilities are that 1) they are big fat liars, or 2) they have forgotten.
My husband has said many times over the last 8+ months that he is very glad it is me and not him, and while I understand/identify with that, it really makes me want to punch him every time.
My boyfriend already feels lots of guilt that I’m the one who has to be pregnant and I plan on milking it for all it’s worth while hopefully not being so whiney we break up by the end of it.
“I told facebook that I’m going to miss my students, but it is A LIE” made me laugh A LOT.
And to your second point, whenever I hear about a celebrity using a surrogate I shout “GOOD FOR HER” in my best Lucille Bluth voice.
Oh those last 19 days! Damn! Torture and expectation and bliss. (But… you ARE going to come here & tell us when she’s arrived, right? Even if you’re in labor on a Friday morning, you’ll pop in to post to the open thread? Some of us are invested in your life story here, teacherface, and you can’t let us down.)
The last grading – you get a gold star & an A+ for finishing it.
Here’s hoping your last weeks of pregnancy pass with a tiny bit of speed and that BabyTeacherFace decides that being prompt is a good idea (BabyDaki#1 thought it would be hilarious to be 8 days late. 18+ years & I’ve still not forgiven him.)
Have a nap and a pint of ice cream every day!
I will totally post a picture on the Open Thread when she arrives – mewling Winston Churchhill baby though she will be. (Newborns are not cute you guys)
She is not allowed to be late – my doctor keeps telling me she is HUGE and so I agreed to let her induce me on the baby’s due date if she isn’t here by then. I REALLY don’t want to be induced, so hopefully she will make an early appearance.
OH MY GOD NO! I just found out after I posted this that my OB, who is 29 weeks pregnant with twins, has been put on bedrest, so now the rest of my examinations and actual delivery will be with her partner, who is a DUDE that I have never met. I have never had a male gyno before, and that is totally on purpose, and now I want to cry.
Nooo!! That is so disappointing. If it helps, my very first gyno was male, and he was amazing, and I would totally still go to him if I lived in his state/he wasn’t semi-retired. I’m sorry :/
I will meet him on Monday, which is my first “let’s examine your cervix” appointment. Hopefully he will not be awful.
Good luck! If all goes well, you’ll barely see him during labor, anyway. I’m sure OBs do something, but mostly they just seem to wander in to catch the baby.
(Kidding, kidding – actually my mom’s OB probably saved my life, as I was a breech twin. But hopefully you’ll barely see yours!)
Aw, that sucks. I’m not into male gynos, either. If anything I’ve heard about labor is true, though, you’ll barely notice him at the birth.
I am just going to steal my second baby.
+1 x 10,000
We’re in the process of looking for a new apartment and it is the ABSOLUTE WORST. There is apparently no sweet spot between “too early to look for a new place – they aren’t being listed yet” and “OMG TOO LATE NO APARTMENTS AVAILABLE”.
STRESS.
SAME HERE. Every single craigslist post is either “hi there this is the perfect apartment and it needs you to move in tomorrow” or “this apartment is available sept. 1 and it is terrible.”
Unfortunately no, there is no sweet spot.
I’m trying to move (to another city!) at the end of June. I’m freaking out about trying to find an apartment, even though I know that nothing will be posted until mid-April, at the earliest.
I feel your pain.
I once had luck getting in good with an agenty-type person, and calling him every week – rather than looking for an apartment, I just looked at the apartments he had that were the right price, and then I got one. But I was living with a friend and didn’t have a hard move-out date, so that made it a little easier…
Same.
Even though I went through this same thing a year ago, I clearly didn’t learn my lesson. We’re not moving til maybe July and yet I can’t help browsing craigslist and I’m finding all these perfect places that are available like….next week. I keep telling myself that it’ll be ok, the right place will come along when it’s our time to move.
Probably.
GUYS I am officially moving forward in the process for this fellowship and I am SO EXCITED. Plus I’m pretty sure my apparently successful interviewing was due to Toastie-provided interview prep materials, so thank you!!
Plus I think I am finally getting over this stupid flu/cold knocked me out for all of last week and has been lingering on even after I decided I was better this week. Health! It’s a wonderful thing.
I sprained my foot Wednesday night, and it still hurts really badly today, so I’m just sitting around the apartment snuggling with the cat. Not being able to walk is a great excuse for takeout, right?
I’m a little bummed that I had to take two days off work because now I can’t use those days for fun, but the thought of getting up and down the subway steps was overwhelming.
Oh, man, we can just limp around together. I pulled the muscles in my calves this week – apparently in my sleep, which, wait, what, how did that happen? I have spent the past few days sitting crosslegged on the couch putting off the moment when I have to stand up to get a glass of water/head to the bathroom/procure food.
Subway stairs are hard when you’re moving slowly for any reason! Like a chump, I went downstairs today – right after a hot bath, so my legs were all relaxed – and put a load of laundry in the machine. Now I’m sore and cranky and crabbed up and I do not want to have to go down those stairs again. Laundry elves, where are you?
Sounds like the result of a Charlie horse! I used to get the all the damn time. I feel your pain.
In both legs? For several days? Is that… a thing? (I might have just the vaguest idea of how this human body works.)
I hope your sprain diminishes quickly! Being immobilized is surprisingly hard work.
This week has been not in so many ways. I got a bad stomach flu and was feeling really weak for days, and my boyfriend was not as supportive as I had hoped. The dishwasher broke so now I’m going to have to use my “fun money” savings to get a new one (any recommendations?). I worked my ass off finishing a written assignment for an application for a job I don’t even really think I want, since it will involve having lots of angry people direct their anger at me regularly, and asked my mom for some help and she was unreasonably bitchy about it.
Does anyone have any good, light, not-depressing book recommendations? Genre (romance, sci-fi, mystery) is fine by me, I just want something easy and fun!
Good Omens is a lovely pre-apocalyptic romp! Hilarious and awesome, light (as light as a story about the coming apocalypse can be), and even better if you imagine Tom Hiddleston as Crowley.
Good Omens is one of the greatest books ever written, but Crowley is Johnny Depp in my head. True, I read Good Omens pre-Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but a headcanon is a headcanon.
Wow that’s crazy. Johnny Depp is so completely at odds with my headcanon, yet I can still see how you got there! Btw, I’m also of the opinion that pre-Sherlock Martin Freeman works for Aziraphale, or possibly the dude who played Matthew on Downton Abbey
OMG Matthew from Downton Abbey would make a GREAT Aziraphale. I guess in my head I’ve always pictured Aziraphale as a 1980s or -90s version of Anthony Stewart Head.
I heard a rumor that right after the book came out there were talks of a movie starring Johnny Depp and freaking Robin Williams, which just seems like…wow. What would that have been like?
Good Omens is one of my favourite books ever! To be honest, despite my good intentions, there’s about a 50% chance I’ll somehow end up not taking anyone else’s good recommendations for books and just read Good Omens again.
Avoid all LG appliances LIKE THE PLAGUE. My Whirlpool dishwasher has held up well for about four years–I run it about two or three times a week. Sorry you gotta buy one at all, especially out of your fun money. That blows.
My sister loves her LG dishwasher! It’s so quiet too.
Tell her she’s lucky! I had two LG appliances fail so many times over the course of the year I demanded exchanges for a different brand before the warranties finally expired. The repairman was out at least once a month for our dishwasher for nine months. He mentioned to us that he got more complaints about LG than any other appliance brand. In his experience, their electronics are fine, but kitchen appliances have a poor record.
LG is known (in the appliance world) as an electronics brand that throws some mechanical engineers in to make appliances.
Whirlpool and GE are mechanicals who throw some electricals and soft wares at appliances to make it pretty.
You won’t get fancy software with GE or Whirlpool, but it’ll probably last longer mechanically.
Disclaimer: I work for GE Appliances. (Sort of.)
For easy and fun I always think Young Adult. I’d suggest Beauty Queens by Libba Bray.
This idea reeks of greatness as I read my auntie’s cast-off Betty Cavanna-authored books as a kid and loved their morality, adventure and how to be a social person lessons. Thought of them during one trip to the library, found several in the YA section and read one-just as great as remembered. The people in them are nice! Such a balm.
Good Omens already got recommended above, but really any Pratchett, if you haven’t already gone down that road yet. Particularly anything in the Night Watch or Witches series.
I also read a cute little book called The Palace Job last week, which was basically a fantasy version of Ocean’s Eleven with a badass female POC lead and witches and unicorns and some good jokes and a little bit of sex. Not high literature, but very very light and breezy and good natured.
Good Omens and the Night Watch books are pretty much my #1 and #2 current favourite cheer-up books, so we obviously have similar tastes I am most definitely going to try The Palace Job! Thanks!
Have you read the Stephanie Plum books by Janet Evanovich? They aren’t great literature, but they are easy and fun.
I LOVE Stephanie Plum, but also partially because my mom, my friend, and I would share the books between each other and we have some nice memories with them.
We got a GE Adora dishwasher last summer that has so far been lovely. It wasn’t too pricey either.
Anything in the Discworld series will be light and relaxing. YP books in general often are (though they are not-infrequently depressing also, but you can generally tell from the blurb if that will be the case…)
Something Jasper Fforde? Preferably one of the Tuesday Next novels (the nursery rhyme series never worked for me). Or whichever one of Pratchett’s Tiffany novels has Horace in it- judging by the comments below you know which one that is (my copies are still in boxes- hooray for moving),
For romance I like Katie MacAllister- Men in Kilts made me laugh so hard I cried.
Happy All The Time – Laurie Colwin.
Trying to find a tattoo artist in NYC who has done botanical drawing -style work before. I also prefer to work with a female artist. Anyone have any leads?
Polling my sources now!
Thank you, you’re awesome!
Quote: “Jason June at Three Kings in Brooklyn. Anyone at Three Kings, really, but Jason did mine. Saved is also a great shop, but has a long waiting list I have heard. If she wants something more stylized she could try Annie Lloyd (GetFatBK) in Brooklyn.”
http://jasonjune.wordpress.com/ at http://www.threekingstattoo.com/site/ http://virginiaelwood.wordpress.com/ & http://stephtamez.tumblr.com/ at http://savedtattoo.com/ http://getfatbk.com/
Yeeees, thanks! I’ve actually been to Three Kings before and loved the artist’s work so I should probably go back to them.
Spent most of the week in Missouri with my family. My grandma fell and is in the hospital refusing to eat or move. Spent a little time with her this week, but I have to go home tomorrow and have no idea what the next few days or weeks will bring with her. Bah.
My thoughts go out to you – sometimes the most difficult time is the in-between. It’s hard to not know what each phone call will bring. I’m sorry I don’t have any encouraging words, just feels 🙁
Oh, I’m so sorry. That sounds really hard. Sending good thoughts to you, and I hope it gets easier – for you, and for her.
I’m looking for a new pillow! I’m a side-sleeper, and my…15-year-old feather pillow is destroying my neck. Any suggestions/recommendations? Preferably brand-specific.
Also, after a week of agonizing, I decided to go to grad school. As my wife put it: I would rather regret doing something than regret not doing it.
i have actually had great luck with pillows from Ikea. They have a lot of different options, some of which are not too $$$$$$$$$
seconded. i’m a stomach-sleeper and my $15 ikea pillow is the only one that doesn’t wrangle my neck. they have ’em organized by sleeping style and have both down and synthetic options in a pretty wide price range.
My out-laws (now in-laws) got me a European Sleepworks pillow ten years ago, and I am spoiled for all other brands.
I want to congratulate AHP on getting the hell out of academia!
I wish that stores made cards for “Congratulations on Saying Fuck You to Academia!”
I’m a million years late to this thread (in Toast-Time) but if anyone ever made such a card I know a few people who would love to receive it.
It made me so happy and so sad at the same time! Yay AHP for new opportunities!
Where was this news conveyed? How did I miss this? AHP!
She posted it on the facebook for her blog! Also, interview on the ‘pin!
Me too! Leaving academia was one of the best decisions I ever made, and I’m glad to see someone else escaping. We should have a party!
So this might get buried but I just sort of remembered this story and though y’all would like to hear it. I did Geography Bee in middle school for all three years. 6th grade I came in third, 7th in second, so by the time eighth grade rolls around I am dead set on winning. The morning before the final round a friend just tossed some random questions at me. She says “Okay, now you had better remember which state the Wright brothers first flew their plane in, because it’s my home state.” I laugh and say North Carolina. Well, guess what the FINAL QUESTION was? The question that WON ME FIRST PLACE?
Still cannot get over it, to this day.
I won my 8th grade geography bee thanks to cutie-at-the-time Prince Andrew. I knew he went to St Andrew’s, in Scotland, and the last question? “What country is the St. Andrew’s golf course in?” I know NOTHING about golf, but there you go.
I’m feeling really secure about my job right now and it’s great. I need to be reassured I’m not the only one who feels like they’re way too mediocre at what they do a lot of the time. Please, someone do this! (I’m a copywriter/editor/proofreader at a really wonderful marketing agency.)
Imposter syndrome is the worst. When you are questioning yourself, I recommend reading the “Dunning-Kruger effect” entry on Wikipedia.
I think almost everyone who cares about doing decent work suffers from (at least periodic) bouts of self-doubt. Especially when you routinely do a good-to-great job; it’s easy to discount the value of something that is second-nature to you.
A certain kind of person gravitates toward that kind of work, and I think they (we) also tend to be enormously self-critical. Try to be glad that you’re good enough to feel secure there! Gainful employment is no small thing.
A sad bulb we’ve watered slowly for over a year has just decided to grow again! I know it’s only supposed to flower once a year but I wasn’t sure it would ever be back. Even houseplants know it’s spring!
hooray!! that’s the best feeling. one of my orchids just started a flower spike for the first time in literally YEARS, and it made me so happy. 🙂
Way to go! Orchids are a challenge. You must be some kind of flower genius!
This used to be a mystery bulb, delivered to a friend’s address by mistake last Christmas. No return label and no note. The friend left it in our apartment as a joke: it was an odd bulb and some weird soil in an oversized box, one of the weirder Christmas presents any of us could imagine receiving. My roommates and I watered it regularly (what else can you do with a bulb?) but didn’t expect anything to happen. Months later it turned out to be an undercover amaryllis, and the flowers were really something.
It’s hard to feel anything but happy when a plant blooms.
Toast-friends, I mentioned in our thread about OKCupid stories that all of your dating drama had perversely inspired me to get back out there. I figured that, worst case scenario, I’d amass some fresher stories about the indignities of online dating.
So I got back online. And in the intervening week I have amassed a pile of boring one-sentence Emails from gentlemen evidently trying the spam approach, two almost identical messages from separate dudes who can’t think of any lady authors and could I make some recommendations (which I mention apropos of this conversation), and one lovely exchange with a lovely gentleman with whom I’ve had a few lovely dates and plan to see again. I regret that I have no delightfully horrifying tales to report as yet, but it sure is fun loftily ignoring all those boring boilerplate and teach-me-how-to-human messages.
I swear, OKC is fine, hit and miss exactly like the rest of the world. I’ve met any number of duds, and a few people I would like to see again and again for the forseeable future.
So glad to hear other people also are having okay experiences. That OKC stories thread was such a bummer to see. 🙁
I feel like there’s a lot of social pressure to play up how awkward/unpleasant/embarrassing online dating is. I get it–“horrible” makes a better story than “boring/mediocre” or, god forbid, “pretty fun, actually”–but still I think it’s some bullshit and I’m making a concerted effort to knock it off.
(Of course, this could all be based on the fact that I had a pretty excellent okc date on Tuesday; I may feel much less sunny about the process next week)
I think you’re absolutely right, and further that this logic extends to almost every story (or, in more formal structures, every narrative) that we tell.
If I write about cooking, I’ll tell you about the disasters or the triumphs, but rarely about the perfectly fine unobjectionable everyday meal that I threw together and will probably not make again. If I write about film, it’s to recommend something that’s excellent or awful, because both are entertaining; we rarely talk about things that are perfectly competent but unremarkable.
And that’s one of the reason that comparing our own lives to the stories of other people can be so destructive: because we typically hear about the highs and lows, but our own lives have a whole lotta in-between.
AHHHH TOASTIES!! I just opened my lunchbox and had completely forgotten I packed myself peeps for a snack!! Best Friday afternoon realization ever.
That’s like only 2 steps under putting on an out-of-season coat and finding $20 in the pocket.
Okay I keep dipping in and out of here because, ugh, WORK, but the thing that is getting me through the tail end of this week is an amazing Songza playlist:
Vintage Cocktail Party
*shimmies*
*adds more records to to-buy list*
I just want to give a shout-out to the ladies who mentioned/recommended “Code Name: Verity” in Open Thread a few weeks ago. Based on your suggestions, I bought it and fell insanely in love with it. I binge-read it over the course of a few days, and now have been telling everyone about it.
Female WWII fighter pilots! The Gestapo! Spies! Sabotage! Lots of queer subtext!
It’s SO GOOD YOU GUYS. (sorry to shout, but it deserves it)
Hurry up and grab Rose Under Fire! They’re both so so good!
I totally will!
Oh, hooray! It is one that demands binge-reading, but then it becomes so much the best.
I JUST picked this up from the library an hour ago. Very much looking forward to lying on the couch and reading it all night. Best Saturday night ever.
YAY! I genuinely hope you enjoy it!
I’ve become the book’s new spokesperson, apparently. I was just telling my significant other’s dad about it yesterday (in light of it being a different take on the WWII history he usually consumes… and a good read as well.)
Totally got criticized by a cabbie for being married but not having children yet. Whatever, pal!
Otherwise, he was okay. He was on his way to the hospital to see his infant son, and Merch Mart was on the way so he picked me up. 🙁
“Thank you, driver, I’m grateful for your considered advice on my reproductive plans! Here’s a giant tip! This is better than therapy!”
Yes, obviously having babies is so great he decided to stop and pick up a fare on the way to see his son in the hospital. I mean, it’s not like the kid’s going anywhere on his own, right?
Other Toastie yoga enthusiasts? I’m getting back into it, and have this major frustration that my arms and legs are too short to do the poses I want to do. Like, jump-throughs are impossible (now, at least – maybe I’ll manage once I get my core stronger), and I can’t get my palms on the ground in dandasana. Yoga is supposed to make you feel better about your body, but I’m just getting more frustrated at it!!
II’m sorry you’re feeling frustrated! The best thing I ever heard about yoga was that everyone’s bodies are different so poses look different on everyone. If everyone’s arms and legs could reach perfectly everywhere, we wouldn’t have all these straps and blocks and stuff. (I’ve been doing yoga for several years and I still can’t do jump-throughs.)
hi, fellow short-armer! I eventually got jump-throughs for a while (and lost them again); it was mostly about learning to really pull in mulabandha all the time while doing it. But I never could do supta kurmasana, and I’m sure that all my bound twists were more intense for me than longer-armed people. It’s okay: I’m sure you are also going further with no effort in other poses precisely *because* of your body shape. . Yoga is so well constructed that it tends to balance out that kind of thing overall.
It’s weird getting back into it, though, isn’t it? I’m getting back in after 2 years out, and I’ve not only aged but have a slightly different body now (about 8 lb. more and distributed in different places), so even when I can totally reach my earlier version of poses with success, many of them still *feel* quite different to me now. I kinda like it — it makes yoga much more exploratory.
I can’t commiserate on the yoga front, but I will commiserate on the frustration with bodies front. I messed up my hip, and now for the first time I can remember I have terrible flexibility in my hips and it’s driving me absolutely bonkers. The part where it also refuses to just hurry up and heal the rest of the way is emphatically not helping. Bodies!
I really want to let my husband’s best friend (who didn’t even bother to acknowledge our wedding) have it with both barrels for his general dickishness, but he doesn’t want me to and now I have all this rage that needs an outlet, goddammit.
Ugh, that sucks. My husband’s best friend was supposed to be the best man at our destination wedding, and he paid for his hotel/ticket, then went drinking in Vegas and forgot all about it and missed his plane and was probably not actually ever intending to come. I will hate that guy forever.
The plus side is that my husband hasn’t spoken to him since (2+ years ago), but he lives about 5 hours away, so that might not be an option for you.
We invited this guy, but didn’t ask him to be in the wedding because we knew money was tight for him (and bc his ex-wife was invited and we didn’t want drama). So, didn’t really think he could come, but honestly expected something besides just an RSVP card. Like, a note. Not money, not a gift, not anything like that, just some acknowledgment.
I doubt they’ve spoken since (he’s a long way away too), but he was being a dick on Twitter today and I really wanted to go after him, but nope. I’ll just hold this grudge as long as necessary.
CAN’T POST AT WORK! I HAVE BEEN WAITING ALL DAY TO POST!
YAY!
So, Toasties! HOW DOES ONE GO ABOUT GETTING A JOB? GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR HINTS AND TIPS!
My current new-job-hunting-plan involves crying a lot and drinking a lot. So I am basically unhelpful. Good luck, though, it sucks but you are not alone.
No, no, I am frequently job hunting (trailing spouse) and I find drinking and crying very helpful. And you are very helpful. And job hunting sucks so hard! Asking an introvert to job-hunt every 2 years in communities where she has no personal contacts – none! – is … just … (speechless). Is it happy hour yet?
I would like some cat advice, toasties, if you would be willing to give it.
The backstory: my boyfriend and I have adopted a total of 3 cats together – first a pair of sisters, then one of them died suddenly at a year old (they were pretty sure it was FIP). So then after a year of having one cat, we got another kitten, because we missed having two, and thought maybe the older one was lonely. We did a bad job of introducing them because studio apartment, and so the older one has never really liked the younger one, just kind of tolerated being around her, hissing every once in a while but nothing too bad, and occasionally actually play-wrestling with no hissing. This has been the situation for over 2 years now.
So here is the problem: we took them both to the vet recently, in succession, and they now completely hate each other. Like, hissing if the other one is even visible, hurling themselves at one another with claws bared making terrible sounds if they get too close together. Thankfully we now have a spare bedroom we can lock one of them in to give them separate spaces, but my question is: does anyone have experience with cats hating each other after the vet? The vet said this happens after checkups sometimes, and that things will go back to normal, but I’m worried because they were never really best friends to begin with. Will it ever get better? If it doesn’t, and we have to give one of them up, how do we decide (oh god I’m tearing up just thinking of this), especially since one of them is kind of my boyfriend’s cat, and one of them is kind of mine, and we used to just joke about it but now it’s not funny at all? Augh this is so tough to think about. Anyway thank you for reading this, I appreciate any insight or tricks to get cats to hold hands and sing kumbaya together.
Yes! This happened to me with my cats who otherwise get along well. It lasted a little less than a week, and then back to normal. I think they might pick up some scents from the doctor’s office that wear off over time.
I just came back to toss my anxiety into the void:
My mom had pretty major shoulder surgery this morning and the only thing my stepdad texted me after was: “the nerve block didn’t work so she’s in a lot of pain.” My mom is so bad about saying/showing when she is in pain, so I am getting a little nauseous just thinking about her right now. (Kind of glad I’m 4000 miles away and can’t visit.)
I mean otherwise it sounds like the surgery went well (her rotator cuff was “hanging on by a thread” which, I don’t even know what that means, but it guess it’s fixed now). I just wish she wasn’t hurting and didn’t have a 20+ mile trip on dirt roads before she can get home.
*worries*
I’m sorry; this sounds so hard for you! Distance makes the frustration worse. Will you be able to talk to her soon? I recently sent a distant someone flowers and it felt so good, like I was able to hug her with them.
I hope her doc finds another pain med for her that will work for that trip home.
I talked to her a little while ago! She refused any more oxy for the trip home because she’s crazy, but made it and now gets to enjoy recovering.
She and my stepdad were very patient with my panic monkey texts, thankfully.
Toasties, I am having one fucker of a week and it’s just starting, I think. I had a phenomenal interview yesterday but learned that the salary is not enough to pay my bills, and I had to withdraw from consideration today. I am mildly heartbroken. I just want to be excited about my job, though right now I’d take anything that’s not hatred and/or apathy for it.
Augh what a bummer. I hope something enjoyable AND well-paying is right around the corner for you!
If they like you and you them, what do you think of putting your cards on the table, and ask them what their options might be to bring you in? Maybe they could lateral someone to make room for you.
If the money’s not right, is the job the right level for your skills? I’ve made this mistake. Applied as a worker thinking I’d have to work up, what I should have applied for was Manager.
Still assuming you like the place, another option might be to call a few employment agencies and see if the target company has any contract positions, or temp to perm openings. I’ve gotten job offers from doing this, at places that thought I was all that and I’d never of thought to apply to those companies. I even had an offer to come on and train (paid) to become an Investment Banker. ??? Lol, me? (Road not taken) Temp agencies changed my whole outlook.
Unfortunately cards are already on the table–it’s a fairly small nonprofit and they were very frank with me about what they had in the budget for this job at the interview. I don’t think they’re holding back money or that they could be bargained up. The job was for a decently high-up position at the organization so I think it’d be right for my skill level, they just don’t have the money. It is a massive bummer.
I’ll check out the temp companies, though! Sounds like a good way to broaden my job search. I’m kind of looking to switch careers so it’d be nice to see what kind of options are out there.
Oh, been there. I feel for you. I love working for nonprofits that make a difference in the world. It sucks that their business model is built on employees with trust funds and/or wealthy spouses. That said, keep up that relationship with the folks who cannot afford you. Something may come up later. Or they may pass your name on to others with better budget priorities.
“Employees with trust funds and/or wealthy spouses.”
YES that’s it, that’s it exactly. I am sure they don’t mean for that to be the case, but…I’m a 20-something living on my own. I wish I had enough extra money to be able to afford to work there, but that’s a pretty fucked-up way of thinking.
I’m planning on continuing to volunteer there so I’ll hopefully stay on their radar!
I have a question: When I was a senior in high school, I was a surly-yet-nurturing art geek and had some freshman sorta-groupies/charges/people I kind of acted like Moominmamma to in a mild sense (my sister was a freshman, so it wasn’t all that weird and happened very organically). There was one guy who was particularly that way, and he seemed very innocent and earnest and sort of puppy-like. A few years after I graduated and went back to visit and saw a bunch of these kids, including him (I was about 20, he was 16 or 17), he was oddly creepy and shared these short stories he wrote about a sadistic serial killer and all the fun and hijinks the serial killer gets up to. I never saw this guy again, and always figured (or hoped) it was a phase. He has just sent me a friend request on Facebook, fifteen years later, and enough of his Facebook page is visible without my friending him that I can see that he’s still most likely pretty creepy. To complicate matters, I’m pretty sure my father is a nonviolent sociopath, and while I’m blessedly lucky to have a conscience, myself, my sociopath-dar has not always been fully functioning, thanks to early conditioning that that kind of behavior and personality is “normal.” Do you think there’s any harm in friending this dude? I don’t live in the same country, and I’m feeling the possibly stupid pull of nostalgia for high school days. But creepy is creepy. But I don’t know if I’m overshooting in the opposite direction and being too cautious. Etc. What would you do?
How’s your personal safety net? Got a live-in life partner who would intimidate and , if necessary, knife any creepy stalker for you? If not, don’t give this guy access to your FB feed. Don’t encourage him in any way. Respect your intuition. Be safe.
I may have someone – can you email me at (amphoratoast)at(gmail)dot(com)?