Do you remember how, in The Cider House Rules, Homer says: “Let us be happy for Fuzzy Stone. Fuzzy Stone has found a family”? Fuzzy Stone had not, in fact, found a family, he was dead from a respiratory infection, but was, at least, no longer an orphan.
Let us be happy for Gwyneth and Chris. They have found release.
Did I know them? No. But they seemed miserable and bored and lonely together, and were never in the same country, and now they are free.
I like to think of Gwyneth and Chris as the couple in The Mountain Goats’ triumphant ode to codependency, “No Children,” but having broken through the barrier of their own stasis into the vital, beating hearts of their separate futures. Are you familiar with “No Children”?
Let us imagine them, merrily, singing it together at karaoke in a few years for the wedding of a mutual friend, full of happiness, full of mature self-awareness:
CHRIS: I hope that our few remaining friends
Give up on trying to save us
GWYNETH: I hope we come up with a failsafe plot
to piss off the dumb few that forgave us
CHRIS: I hope the fences we mended
Fall down beneath their own weight
GWYNETH: And I hope we hang on past the last exit
I hope it’s already too late
CHRIS: And I hope the junkyard a few blocks from here
Someday burns down
GWYNETH: And I hope the rising black smoke carries me far away
and I never come back to this town again
in my life
CHRIS: I hope I lie
and tell everyone you were a good wife
and I hope you die
GWYNETH: I hope we both die
CHRIS: I hope I cut myself shaving tomorrow
I hope it bleeds all day long
GWYNETH: Our friends say it’s darkest before the sun rises
We’re pretty sure they’re all wrong
I hope it stays dark forever
I hope the worst isn’t over
CHRIS: I hope you blink before I do
and I hope I never get sober
GWYNETH: And I hope when you think of me years down the line
you can’t find one good thing to say
CHRIS: and I hope that if I found the strength to walk out
You’d stay the hell out of my way
TOGETHER: I am drowning
there is no sign of land
you are coming down with me
Hand in unloveable hand
and I hope you die
I hope we both die
*
And then their friends whistle and clap, and Gwyneth and Chris hug, and their kids giggle, because their parents are so much happier apart, and are dating people who bring them joy.
Congratulations. Utterly unsarcastic, completely heartfelt congratulations.
Tags: beauty, celebrities, divorce, freedom, gwyneth paltrow, living your DREAMS, my marriage is fine do not become alarmed for me, set yourself free, the mountain goats, your best life
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Oh my god this song. Also, am I the only one that always wants it to end the way “The Best Ever Death Metal Band in Denton” does? As in “I hope you die, I hope we both die, HAAAAAIIIILLLL SATAN!!!!”
Well NOW you’re not.
I had that song on a playlist at my birthday dinner, not realizing people would be bringing their young kids to the party, lol. Now I am picturing my six-year-old nephew gleefully singing “Hail Satan! Haaaaaaaaaail Satan!” to his super-religious paternal g’parents.
this is perfect.
I am one in spirit with this post. NOW THEY ARE FREE.
I cannot even begin to express how happy this post makes me.
I think that anyone who would write “Fix You” FOR someone should not be married to that someone forever.
Gwyneth doesn’t deserve the Mountain Goats
ok, more generously, I don’t believe she’s cool enough to know about the Mountain Goats
I am just crying softly at this feast of perfection.
I don’t know of this band but they sound like painfully earnest folksy types. Are they painfully earnest folksy types? I can’t bring myself to listen to it because I suspect someone in the video will have a beard. Sorry to be like this.
Not…really? It’s not really a band, per se; it’s mostly one guy (John Darnielle, who is the coolest person ever) who’s been making music for a couple decades under the name The Mountain Goats, occasionally joined by another guitarist and a drummer. This song is from the first album where it was actually a band and not just JD singing and playing alone. It’s an intensely bleak, but surprisingly anthemic and empathetic look at a couple who are destroying each other in a hopeless relationship. It tends to be one of their shout-alongs at live shows.
I can’t stand the beardy folk scene (which is unfortunate as Seattle seems to want to blow them all in abject affection), but the Mountain Goats are so cuttingly bitter that it warms the cockles of my asshole heart. But it took me listening to “This Year” every time I forced myself to go running to really make the magic come through.
DAMN. I promised myself I wouldn’t listen to “This Year” this year as I wondered if it was responsible for the barely surviving the past couple, but now that I have started running, I am second-guessing myself. HM.
I am trying to think of a way to perfectly comment on this perfect summing-up of this news (well “news” I guess), and all I can think of is thank you. Oh sweet heavens above, thank you for this.
And it’s tagged under Beauty. Bless you.
The song! The SONG!
John Darnielle is writing a novel how come nobody told me about this???
I once got last-minute Mountain Goats tickets from a lovely ‘Pinner and it was the actual best thing and he is coming to my town in April and I’m super excited! (I have no feelings about Gwenyth Paltrow and too many feelings about the Mountain Goats.)
Sometimes the BF and I end up drunk and yowling songs from Tallahassee at each other. Not so romantic, but kind of cathartic and I like to think we would never have lasted this long if Our Album was something by Coldplay (or if he were Chris Martin).
I like how John sometimes throws in “I hope we all die” as an extra line at the end when they play it live.
Thank you for reminding me that the Mountain Goats exist in the lead up to my cross-continental move and simultaneous break-up. I think this year is the year to explore the back catalog.
I like how you reassure us about your marriage in the tags because we’re such an over-invested commenter crowd that if you didn’t we’d think that Spectral Houseguest has sown seeds of discontent or something.
If they get so much applause they need to do an encore, I recommend “They’ll Need a Crane” by TMBG.
I’d just like to note that I have had not one, but two exes passive-aggressively post this song on the internet while we were breaking up.
This probably says something about my romantic relationships. I am pretty sure that something isn’t good.
I'd just like to note that I have had not one, but two exes passive-aggressively post this song on the internet while we were breaking up.
This probably says something about my romantic relationships. I am pretty sure that something isn't good.
http://johndarnielle.tumblr.com/
Don't let the discography scare you! I am a die-hard fan but I have contented myself with picking and choosing which albums to keep around. I think John would want it that way!
…You guys are aware that No Children-as-duet is a staple of Kiki And Herb’s old, drunken drag cabaret act?
OK, so the conversation here is all about the song, but I feel I need a safe space to rant about sappy celebrity breakups. Please forgive this intrusion.
I find it nauseating when celebrities announce their split with a joint press release full of proclamations of undying love and nonsense like “we are closer than ever,” making it seem like the decision to separate was the result of a series of earnest, respectful heart-to-hearts over coffee and carrot muffins, or a visit to the neighbourhood astrologer. Of course, it’s cool when people can part as friends and remain civil and sociable with one another. I’ve had friends manage this, and I like to imagine that if my partner and I ever split, we’d do it, too. But you know that even the friendliest of breakups is preceded by some very human combination of shouting matches, dark sarcasm, eye-rolling, silent treatments, guilt trips, and half-hearted make-up sex.
We don’t need to know the details (please, no!), but these smug homilies about “conscious uncoupling” and being “closer than ever,” just reek of self-aggrandizement.Can’t they just say, Hey guys, we broke up. What happened is none of your business, but we’re doing our best to remain friends. Wish us luck and don’t bother us with questions; we’re a little busy?
To quote CokeTalk’s twitter, “Get ready. This Conscious Uncoupling bullshit is gonna be more annoying than The Secret.”
OK, so the conversation here is all about the song, but I feel I need a safe space to rant about sappy celebrity breakups. Please forgive this intrusion.
I find it nauseating when celebrities announce their split with a joint press release full of proclamations of undying love and nonsense like "we are closer than ever," making it seem like the decision to separate was the result of a series of earnest, respectful heart-to-hearts over coffee and carrot muffins, or a visit to the neighbourhood astrologer. Of course, it's cool when people can part as friends and remain civil and sociable with one another. I've had friends manage this, and I like to imagine that if my partner and I ever split, we'd do it, too. But you know that even the friendliest of breakups is preceded by some very human combination of shouting matches, dark sarcasm, eye-rolling, silent treatments, guilt trips, and half-hearted make-up sex.
We don't need to know the details (please, no!), but these smug homilies about "conscious uncoupling" and being "closer than ever," just reek of self-aggrandizement.Can't they just say, Hey guys, we broke up. What happened is none of your business, but we're doing our best to remain friends. Wish us luck and don't bother us with questions; we're a little busy?
The Mountain Goats are the best breakup music forever.
Also, a few months before my first husband said he wanted a divorce, one of the early warning signs that had me uneasy that something was amiss was frequent repetitions in his car playlist/mix thing of their song "Cubs in Five".
So, hm. Literally did not know until reading this headline that they were married.