Previously in this series: If Prince Harry Were Your Boyfriend

If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, doors would open for you a little quicker, you'd always have enough room on public transport, and black cats would jump out of your way. Dogs would howl when they saw you, but you never really liked dogs that much anyway.

If Gwyneth Paltrow were your girlfriend, you'd ask her, giggly and a little

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Do you remember how, in The Cider House Rules, Homer says: "Let us be happy for Fuzzy Stone. Fuzzy Stone has found a family"? Fuzzy Stone had not, in fact, found a family, he was dead from a respiratory infection, but was, at least, no longer an orphan. Let us be happy for Gwyneth and Chris. They have found release. Did I know them? No. But they seemed miserable and bored and lonely together, and…