1. Daenerys will be introduced to no fewer than twenty new characters, each more critical to the plot than the last. Aggravated over the complicated new names and the glacial pace of her storyline, Daenerys will fly off on Drogon across the narrow sea and burn everyone in Westeros alive. Dany will then sit atop a throne of charred skulls, eating raw meat, giving the finger to the Lord of Light.
2. Sansa will destroy Littlefinger’s reputation and leave him penniless and alone. She will then retake Winterfell and will sit as the Wolf in the North. She will redeem her entire family and shame all those who stood against the Starks. She will rebuild. She will do this without ever personally wielding a sword, but through diplomacy, intelligence, and grace. People will continue to log onto Tumblr to talk about how much they hate her, how she is super lame, whiny, and is totally “not a strong female character.”
3. Jon Snow will discover through a series of dramatic revelations that he is his own mother.
4. Osha and Rickon will travel to the island Skagos where they will be introduced to no fewer than 20 new characters, each more critical to the plot than the last. They will continue to be irrelevant themselves.
5. Jon Snow, Young Griff, and Daenerys will come together to form a giant Azor Ahai, Power Rangers style, with an elaborate transformation sequence. Dany will be the head and arms, Young Griff the torso and legs, and Jon the useless breastplate.
6. Winter won’t come. Ha ha, no. It totally will.
7. Even Hodor will become unnerved on his quest with Bran. After a few months he will throw his hands up and stand, saying, “OK, screw this, screw the trees, screw the ravens, screw you guys, this sucks. I didn’t even want to come out here in the first place, but you guys had to be all ‘ooh Hodor, carry me Hodor.’ ‘Help me Hodor!’ ‘Hodor Hodor Hodor!’ Can you even say anything else?! Well. Screw that. I’m out. Hodor.”
8. Victarion Greyjoy is Azor Ahai reborn. He will have almost taken Volantis when a child points out his “weird lookin’ arm.” Weeping, he will retreat to the sea and lock himself in his cabin for days. His crew will tire of listening to the Cure and abandon him. The Lord of Light will look the other direction, shielding his face so no one can see him.
9. Tommen Baratheon’s cat, Ser Pounce, is Azor Ahai reborn.
10. Everyone in Dorne will slowly back away from the unfolding shit up north, all “Wow, OK guys, good luck with that.”
11. Tyrion will make some jokes that will go over his companion’s heads.
12. Podrick Payne is Azor Ahai reborn. Everyone in the realm just kind of looks at each other like, “What?”
13. For years, scholars will argue the merits of the schticky, 74-page “Abby Normal” homage when Cersei unveils her new champion, Robert Strong.
14. Brienne will die horribly. Jaime will feel sad for five seconds and then any lessons he’s learned will escape him immediately. He will have sex in front of her corpse.
15. Samwell Tarly will finally find his courage. Samwell Tarly will then die, horribly.
16. Arya Stark will find Gendry. Arya Stark and Gendry will then die, horribly.
17. Davos Seaworth will die, horribly.
18. That one character you like will die, horribly.
19. Littlefinger will not die horribly.
20. Nymeria the wolf is actually Azor Ahai reborn. She will eat everyone who hasn’t already died horribly and take the Iron Throne for herself.
21. King’s Landing will become infested with wolves under Nymeria’s rule. Wolf-Littlefinger will run a wolf-brothel and Wolf-Varys will know what Wolf-Stannis had for breakfast two weeks ago (a rabbit.)
22. Ser Pounce will be spared due to his bravery and charm, and will sit next to Nymeria on a comfy blanket set in a golden sunbeam.
23. The Others will march on what is now known as Wolf’s Landing, see Nymeria and her Wolf Army, be like, “Oh shit,” and run the fuck away.
24. The final book in the series, A Dream of Spring, will not actually be published in your lifetime.
Tags: alaina conner, asoiaf, books, fandom, game of thrones, george rr martin, television
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lolllll yes of course all these things will happen
i just still wish jon and sam would run off and start a B&B on bear island but i know they won’t
You Must Be This Hirsute And Adorabley Confused To Enter Bear Island.
Bear Island seems cool as fuck once they kicked out Jorah.
Particularly with the Mormont ladies, RIP, Dacey.
it should be a gay bathhouse….becuase Bear Island.
You’re thinking that they would mellow out and enjoy life more. The Kingkiller Chronicles have shown us that’s a lie.
TWO TWO TWO TWO TWO
TWO!!!!
TWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Two forever!!!
YESSSSS YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES (and Bran brings Lady comes to life)
TWO!!!!!!
Yes please I really want this to happen!
Someone will get raped in borderline pornographic detail.
But it’ll be ok because she (and of COURSE it’s a she) will secretly want/need it.
Sansa haters to the left ( The left is where I keep my bottomless pit.)
I read a really short interview with Sophie Turner on the EW website the other day, and all of the comments were like “I HATE SANSA AND HOPE SHE DIES HORRIBLY!!!!!!!” Like, actually all of them, not just a few! I didn’t realize this was a thing. Why is this a thing, what is wrong with everyone???
I think (although I’m guessing GRRM might not agree with me) that Sansa is one of the most interesting characters in the whole series – where Arya gets her power from being more like a boy, Sansa gets it from doing just enough of what people expect to keep them underestimating her.
Maybe I’m giving GRRM too much credit, bu I actually think that’s why she’ll end up in a position of power at the end, independent of Baelish. She’s certainly being set up to do so, with him to learn from.
Yes! This exactly! Masculinity is not the only power!
Maybe you have to have reached a certain point to love Sansa… Maybe when I was a teenager I wouldn’t have been too impressed, but watching it as an adult who has grown v sick of “strong” (shallow, ‘kickass’, underdeveloped) female characters, her plausible behaviour and imperfections are wonderful. Or maybe I’m just trying to defend fools. I love her.
Nope, you’re right and Sansa is wonderful.
Everyone who hates Sansa (or claims to) has completely missed the (subtle, skillful, wonderful) point.
i think you nailed it. Especially in the show, everything about her character is subtle to the point where you will completely miss it if you’re not paying attention. Which, as you said, is the entire point.
I haven’t read the books, but in the show she’s got the slowest, most subtle arc. I’m hoping she takes it all.
Yesss. Sophie Turner is now approximately 8ft tall and I want to see her bringing it like a flame haired amazon ice queen, I will settle for nothing less.
So say we all
I judge my friends (and strangers) based upon their opinion(s) of Sansa.
I find that the smartest/bestest of the group like her, and I nearly cried in happiness when my mother finally read the books and called me to say how much she loved Sansa.
I disliked her so much in the beginning of the show but really came to love her over the past season or 2 once she became more aware of the world she was operating in. She’s immensely sympathetic, and I got to that point even faster once I started the books because she’s even younger. I just finished the 4th book and while I’m super creeped out by the dynamic with Littlefinger (though kinda proud of myself for calling it the second they were onscreen together), I could not be happier with her developing intelligence. I view her and Dany’s arcs as 2 sides of the same coin – Dany was intially also a pawn but seized power through brute force, whereas Sansa is slowly learning to navigate the avenues that are available to her; volcano vs river – slow burn and fast explosion vs. subtle erosion. My ideal ending would be Dany on the Iron Throne and Sansa reclaiming Winterfell, which Dany graciously cedes because she recognizes Sansa as an equal.
yaaaaaaas Dany is my patronus, as long as she quits being Whitey leading the Brown People and is just a regular badass.
PATRONUS. This is a brilliant and totally much more acceptable way of co-opting fictional characters/random shit as magic helpers. I thank you.
She is not going to lay off with the Whitey shit anytime soon tho.
well this season they filmed all her stuff in Croatia so the extras will be white people, I guess?
Ser Pounce shoutouts!
My cat’s official name is Lady Pounce of House Catnip.
I almost wish I’d named Klaas-Jan Ser Pounce, but I just call him that sometimes instead.
He looks like a ser.
This is all obviously 100% accurate, but OH GOD I CAN’T HELP IT *pushes up glasses* guys, for the love of nerds, it’s A Song of Ice and Fire, not A Song of Fire and Ice.
*scurries away to Cave of Pedant Shame, never to be heard from again*
The title has been changed!
If my brother wasn’t in a serious relationship, I would be describing him to every lady-geek of my acquaintance by saying, “He loves Sansa and wants her to be Queen in the North, and says nasty things about people who criticize her. Without prompting!”
Then I can only assume he would quickly be smothered in a pile of amorous ladies.
If I wasn’t in a serious relationship, I could put my name on that list of lady-geeks. The Queen in the North! The Queen in the North!
I am only on Book 1, so that Sansa isn’t great yet, though I do love show Sansa.
My boyfriend who has read everything told me he thinks Sansa is going to murder Lord Baelish. So, keeper probably. Also I need to read faster.
Sansa talks a lot in the first book about how things should be the way they are in songs, but I think she’s actually acting as if her goal is her parent’s relationship. Ned loves and protects Catelyn (yes, the bastard, yes, that’s a terrible thing to do, you could explain to her, she’d understand.) and Catelyn is – at least in the first book – acts to protect Stark interests over Tully interests. All the things Sansa does in the first book – the things people call stupid – are acts calculated to ally her with her future husband’s family.
I feel like a lot of people dismiss that as “stupid” because “Hey, the Lannisters are super-transparently awful! She should recognize that and not try to ally herself with them!” When in fact (and leaving aside the fact that a lot of that transparent awfulness is only apparent from outside the story where you can read everyone’s interior monologues, and not really visible to Sansa), what could possibly be less stupid than to recognize, “Huh. These people are awful. And yet my dad has agreed that I have to marry into their family, and since I am a 12-year-old girl in a patriarchal society I really have no power to get out of that. WELL BETTER GET ON THEIR GOOD SIDE AND STAY THERE, THEN.”
And then a lot of her moaning is “Being loyal and loving DIDN’T WORK, WHAT IS THIS CRAPSACK WORLD?”
Which is honestly how I’d react too.
I do love – so many fantasy books have tropes about abusive parents preparing characters for the bullshit that is life, and so many books have good parents preparing characters for the bullshit that is life – I love how the Stark’s loving parenting basically screws their children over repeatedly.
“I will be loyal to my betrothed!”
“I will not have a bastard!”
“I will fight for my people even though I am generally powerless!”
UM CAN I HAVE HIS NUMBER
Long live Nymeria and Ser Pounce!
Dorne is where it’s at. Swimming pools and spicy foods? I’m there.
Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken, Bitches.
Also, Sansa is amazing. The expectations that readers place on her are so out of proportion.
Did you see the Red Viper? Dude is fiiiiinnnnne.
I agree that the casting is sadly whitewashed, but I will watch fine Chilean dudes every single day. I propose that all future actors from the North be played by handsome Chileans.
Unbowed, Unbent, Generally Fabulous.
25. Hodor is a forward for the Toronto Maple Leafs.
Everyone is secretly actually a Targaryen. Like, 100% of all the characters are really secret Targs. No one knows how, but it’s true.
incestuous, but also promiscuous, those Targaryens. Also masters of disguise (primitive hair dye)
Tumblr is actually the only place I’ve seen impassioned defenses of Sansa. There’s a post that was going around, “Don’t judge a person on their looks, judge them on their opinion of Sansa Stark” that has like 40k notes.
Srsly. I feel like Westeros.org or whatever is where you find the Sansa hate and Tumblr is 100% for Sansa stans.
I am ok with all of these happening except the last one, because I pictured my death as something better than lying pathetically on my bed, too weak to even shake my fist, whispering, “Damn you, Martin…damn you….”
but what about the sand snakes??????????
They turn into dragons and join Dany’s army.
Wait…how many Sand Snakes are there now? And how many dragons? Because obviously they’re the other prophesied riders or whatever, and they will start a fucking badass dragon riding girlgang, AND THERE WILL BE MATCHING CLOAKS WITH THEIR GANG SYMBOL ON THE BACK.
or maybe at some point they are like, fuck this I had many lovers, horses and and endless supply of grapes back home, imma get down there
“you know, fuck Westeros, we’ve got our own shit going on and it’s way better.”
9. Tommen Baratheon’s cat, Ser Pounce, is Azor Ahai reborn.
I SHIP THIS.
(Also, these books ruined my ability to spell “Sir” correctly for MONTHS.)
And I’m assuming you said “break my fast” and “small wonder” a lot for a while.
And started calling a lot of people “sweetling”, yes.
Ser Pounce has a Twitter account, just FYI.
GOD BLESS US EVERY ONE
When my friends and I are trying to figure out spoilers for GoT, our rule of thumb is: take a character, think of the thing that will attack their sense of self; do that thing. Bonus points if people whimper when you share it.
I’ll never be able to finish this series because I’ve already forgotten who like, half of these characters are. By the time the next book comes out I probably won’t even remember who George R. R. Martin is…
I worry that this is his intention. Like, nobody could possibly be disappointed in the ending if they’re all dead by the time the last book comes out.
… haha, jk, people will create everlasting life just to see this series out.
I keep forgetting “Young Griff” is even a character. Does anyone else consider the first three (possibly parts of 4) books Canon?
Book 5 … I’m sorry Book 5, your pages are voluptuous but your characterizations fell flat, Sashay away.
25. Daenerys Targaryen becomes Queen of Westeros, and appoints to the Small Council: Sansa, Olenna Redwyne, Margaery Tyrell, Lady Mormont, Shireen Baratheon, Missandei, Mya Stone, zombie Catelyn Stark, Osha, Asha, Brienne, and several Sand Snakes. They bring about the Misandrist Reckoning and lead the continent into an age of peace.
This is pretty much exactly how it ends in my head.
Mine too, except in my head there’s also Sansa/Margaery.
Daenerys/Sansa/Margaery is my OT3
Side commentary w/ spoilers: Lady Catelyn’s brother gets in trouble because Robb is like “defend the castle”. and he defends the lands AROUND the castle. At first I thought “Robb, you really should be more specific with your instructions.” then I realized that there are people in those lands – and in fact, the other side has specific orders to be super awful to those people AND we see people experiencing how awful the other side is – and Robb decided that it would be best to let that keep happening.
I like to imagine the ghost of Ned talking to the ghost of Robb.
“Wait, you abandoned your sisters to the enemy? Do you know what I did for MY sister? What is more valuable than their lives and happiness?”
This is what happens when you let 16-year-olds wage war, I guess.
Lady Stoneheart slowly and unceasingly lays waste to all Lannisters and Lannister bannermen, until the southern end of Westeros is so quiet it unnerves anyone that enters it, even animals, who all flee north to live near Winterfell, where Sansa is queen of everything, has a fleet of direwolves at her beck and call, and uses Littlefinger as a human ottoman. Just makes him kneel at her feet so she can rest them upon his back.
Daenerys comes to Westeros and decides being a ruler isn’t her thing but she’d really love to just perch up at the Eyrie with her dragons because Imagery. So Sansa lets her have it, because screw the Eyrie, she never really liked it anyway.
Perfect.
Can I suggest the minor change that Dany and Sansa fall in love and rule as co-queens?
Sansa and Brienne FOREVER.
naw man. Jamie goes queer, hots it up for non-gender conforming Brienne
YES I LIKE THIS CHANGE. Sansa/Dany ruling from the North with dragons at the Eyrie and Littlefinger Ottomans forever!
24 IS MORE ACCURATE THAN I CARE TO BELIEVE 🙁
I mean, at this point I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will probably be married with a kid by the time A Dream of Spring comes out at that unnerves me so, so much.
Ummmm have you been reading my Twitter account? Because pretty much all of this has been on my Twitter since I did a GoT rewatch on the weekend when I was sick.
25. E.L. James is actually George RR Martin’s nom de plume
Pfft, everyone knows that Arya and Nymeria reunite to kill everyone and gorge themselves on the blood of their enemies.
My “that person you like” who will no doubt die horribly is Ser Brynden Tully. I LOVE HIM SO. HE IS SO DOOMED. Who is yours, everybody?
Tyrion, though apparently GRRM said he won’t kill Tyrion.
Don’t believe his lies.
Ser Jaime!
Jaime is going to be just fine. He and Brienne are going to peace out, sail a little ship back to Tarth, and spend the rest of their days diving into huge piles of sapphires, Scrooge McDuck-style. He is absolutely not going to die a hideous, painful death. Absolutely not. No way.
Sapphireth*
I’m one book behind so no one tell me if he’s 1) already died horribly or 2) been a real dick lately such that I will stop liking him when I get caught up, but mine is Ser Jorah.
Ah hahahahaha. Yes. This.
(My cat died last night. Stuff that makes me laugh is good. Thanks.)
I’m sorry!
that’s awful 🙁
you are a sick and twisted fuck and if the Lannister kids turn out to be the rightful heirs of Westeros, even with Jamie's 'character development', Tyrion's wit and Cersei's bloody determination, I will add my name to the volunteer army about to descend on GRRM's abode.
YES I LIKE THIS CHANGE. Sansa/Dany ruling from the North with dragons at the Eyrie and Littlefinger Ottomans forever!
Secret Targaryen theories are my least favorite (except for the obvious R+J=L), and Tyrion being a secret Targ is the WORST. It erases everything meaningful about his character.
After Arya finishes her training as a faceless man, someone whispers in her ear the name 'Daenerys Targaryen.'