Toasties! You know what I want right now? To eat that pasta with porcini mushrooms and drink a Bellini. In Venice. Since I’m back and sad about it, among your other threading and talkings, name one work of art that wowed you this week. Can be anything. Even if your week was total shit (I’m sorry!) there must have been a building, a painting, a poem, Mallory’s post on medieval exercise…
Something. Tell me. And eat some pasta!
Tags: cocktail hour, open thread, the bartender, venice is so far away
Happy friday, all!
Can we talk about/post pictures of our cats? I’ve had a miserable week both physical and mental health wise and could do with the cute.
This is my cat Ophelia after Matt and I got back from a comic convention this weekend
LOOK AT THAT CUTIE
I hope she helps!!
Oh, she absolutely does.
awww it’s like she’s trying to tell you never to leave without her again
“Next time you’re taking ME!”
Mine always try to pack themselves whenever I get a bag or a suitcase out.
My roommate’s cat chases his own tail! I don’t think this is normal behavior for cats? He sits and watches it twitch and then goes after it. Sometimes he even tries to sneakily pounce on it. Since he’s able to catch it, he ends up rolling around in a ball with his tail in his mouth/paws. He’s a really weird cat.
My cat chases her tail sometimes! I think it’s because she catches a glimpse of it out of the corner of her eye and goes “OH SHIT WHAT’S THAT” then runs around in a circle for a while before realizing it’s her own tail, stand down, false alarm.
He doesn’t even have that excuse! He once sat and watched it twitch for a few minutes before deciding to go after it. He also stares creepily at the wall for hours on end, but apparently that is normal cat behavior. I think he interacts with little demons; roommate thinks he’s hallucinating.
We think the cats (and our dogs, who occasionally stare at the walls/ceiling for no discernible reason) are looking at tiny rifts in the space/time continuum. Sometimes there’s one outside, which is when both dogs – with absolutely no human-detectable impetus – prick their ears, stare fixedly at the back door, then leap up and run to the back door, demanding to be let out.
My parents had a dog that would trick my aunt’s dog into doing that when we were babysitting him. He was an overexcitable goof-ball with delusions of toughness, and our dog would occasionally stare out a window at nothing and bark once. It was enough to set my aunt’s dog off and he’d charge around barking and growling at whatever he figured was out there while our dog would just lie back down and watch him go.
Bonny does that sometimes and we think she’s inbred based on her severe lack of anything approaching brains. Just a data point, there.
My cat does that. She will do it for HOURS at a time. But we also call her our cat who won’t be going to college, so.
I’ve seen cats do that! And this kitty has not only caught her tail, but waltzes with it.
My cat does that!! And sometimes her nail catches, and she cries or hisses at her tail! She grew up in a junkyard, so I joke that her tail was her only toy.
My cat also does this. She tries to sneak up on it all the time. It is hilarious and wonderful.
Aw, pretty baby
He’s a terror, his nicknames include Destrucobot, Beast and Monstah. Also very affectionate, so he can pretty much get away with anything. These are perhaps more representative photos:
BAHAHA THE SWIFFER
The Swiffer and the vacuum are the mortal enemies of all pets. The vacuum is terrifying and must be avoided at all costs, while the Swiffer is less threatening and thus must be DESTROYED.
Cats always looks so pleased when they’ve just finished ruining something.
We can ALWAYS talk about our cats. I just scoured my Facebook archives for pictures of the last cat I had. He was the greatest kitty of them all. He was hand raised by shepherds in Northern California (Northern as in “almost in Oregon”), so he loved people. His name was Bubba.
Bonus: My cousin’s cat, Rags, trying to catch a cricket.
Look at those proud and regal hunters
Rags looks like my Munchie!
I had a kitty-off with a friend on Twitter last night: https://twitter.com/figwiggin/status/454435013581…
Kitty-off!
I might as well show you my cats too.
This is Anne and Bonny. Yep, named after a pirate.
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Bonny is the one in the bag.
She’s not bright, but she’s very pretty.
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And Anne is clever, but a little wonky.
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And they were the cutest kittens ever born
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They’re both beautiful! I love the action shots, I’m not quick enough on the draw for that.
This is my cat Daisy trying to convince me how cute and adorable she is before I fling her out the window for meowing at me for hours.
LOOK AT THAT FACE
I have NFI how to embed images it turns out, but if you click this it’s super worth it. I made my cat wear a sweater because I’m a huge jerk 🙂
YOU MONSTER
taht level of cute is against the geneva convention
(for future reference, to embed pictures you get the direct link to the picture (the bit that comes up Image Location on windows), and put it in between these tags < img src=” ” /> only without the spaces before or after the </>
Oh rad. Thanks!
That is amazing! And also terrible.
One of my friends bought her cat a lion’s mane. I am soooooo tempted to try and knit one. And then I think about how much I like my blood running through my veins instead of all over the floor.
It would be so cute though!
There are these unicorn horns for cats. I really doubt that cats love it but it’s SO tempting…
Man, your cat has a lot more patience than mine would for the sweater wearing. You actually got to the photo taking stage…
Haha, it didn’t last long after the photo stage. She looked miserable so I didn’t make her keep wearing it.
This is Zed (Destroyer of Worlds). He is named after Stargate Atlantis’s “ZPMs” (Zed-P-M’s if you are a Canadian like the adorkable David Hewlett aka Dr. Rodney McKay on SGA) because when he was a kitten he was a tiny orange source of inexhaustible energy.
Look at that smug and happy face.
I don’t know how to post pictures and anyway it would make you all sad that my cat is better than yours so I shouldn’t, but I have been thinking of starting a blog of just perfume reviews from me and my cat. I let her smell Black Orchid and she said “oof.” that is one of three words she knows. then she fell down. she isn’t wrong about that. the Patch NYC solid perfume that smells like a Siberian fir tree, on the other hand, she liked so much she bit my wrist. I bought that last winter so I could smell like a Christmas tree since I can’t have a real one because my cat would eat it, so it is pretty realistic.
I would read a blog containing cat reviews of smells, yes. Speaking of reviews, I would buy a book full of kid reviews of fancy food like this one: http://www.thebolditalic.com/articles/3163-a-four…
Excuse me, I think you’ll find that MY cats are the best cats.
< img src=”picturelinkhere” /> is the code for image embedding (delete the spaces before/after the <; />; bit. You want the direct image link.)
Your cat sounds like an excellent perfume reviewer. I’d read your blog! You could have a cute graphic of your cat sniffing something appreciatively.
I would most definitely read that blog. My cat doesn’t like my perfume, but he loves the smell of lipstick so his opinions are suspect.
My cats are sisters that few people can even tell apart. They are both diluted calicos, but one is more snakey (which is why we call her Lizard or Voldemort) and one is more traditionally cat-ish. They have been really wild for the last few months, so we have to lock them up at night or they spend the night running all over us and attacking our feet. But the last couple of nights they decided to sleep next to us until 3am. Then they started their attacks. Progress!
I don’t know if this link will work, but here’s a pic
Ok, trying a direct link. Kitten pic!![]()
I have never heard of diluted calicos before this moment, but I have concluded that they are the most beautiful cats in existence.
They are indeed! 😀
Though my Mom has a red tabby (apparently girl cats can’t be orange?), which is absolutely gorgeous!
Little twinsies!
Few people can tell Anne and Bonny apart eitehr, which is riduculous, because their markings are COMPLETELY different, and Anne is fat with stumpy legs and a crooked tail.
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But they just see two black and white cats.
Awwww! I love black kitties!
My friends have two Shiba Inus who are siblings who with no differences in markings whatsoever and I can still tell them apart. Mainly because one is a psycho villain and the other is an actual dog. But still!
Here is Fantasia encountering her favorite scratching post for the first time after a long, cold winter.
scritch scritch scritch.
Lovely cat!
She’s on a harness!!!!! Did you train her when she was a kitten?
Nope, I’ve only had her two years, and she’s about thirteen now, according to the vet. She’s super easygoing and got used to the leash quickly, though.
That gives me hope! I really want my cat to do this so she can go outside again and (hopefully) will stop being a terror. So far the results have not been great.
My cat was fairly young when we started, but he took to it quick. I think it helped that he quickly realized the harness was the only way he was ever going to get to go outside. He won’t really go for walks, but when I take it off the hanger he comes running now.
AHHH! So adorable! My brain is melting.
She LOVES that tree; whenever we go outside and she spots it (which usually takes longer than you would think, but cats are weird) she runs over to sniff it and scratch it.
Saffron on the left, Captain Stripeypants on the right.
Saffron is judging me, I think.
You are correct. Saffron is judging us all, and I fear we are being judged as… lacking.
Yep, Saffron judges the entire world. We all fail. She’s actually a really sweet and sunny little soul who trots round the house singing and chirruping and brrping constantly, but she has terminal bitchy resting face.
CAPTAIN STRIPEYPANTS
It was meant to be a placeholder name until we thought of something proper, but it stuck. He’s a great daft goon.
Please start this cat picture thread every Friday.
I’m into a weekly cat thread.
This is my cat Moxie, about 10 seconds before he leaps out of his cunning hiding place to attack the nearest feet
Clever hiding-place
Those dilated pupils, you just KNOW there is something about to get it.
You know what I miss more than anything is the two bookstore kittens I left behind when I left behind the used bookstore I worked in and the city it was in. The owner called them Chuck and Frank, in the face of my strong and silent disapproval, but when he was not around I only ever called them Charles and Francis, after Charles Macaulay and Francis Abernathy, obviously. They were brothers – I mean the cats – so I suppose it was mildly inappropriate to name them that considering what they got up to that time Charles was drunk and then pretended later not to remember it – I mean in the book.
I used to go to a pub that had a pub cat. A little, slightly scraggly tabby that slept on one of the chairs during the day and sometimes let yous troke it, and disappeared off behind the bar somewhere when the place got crowded in the evenings.
I’ve always liked shop cats and pub cats. They generally mean good places.
Zig:
and Ms Fluffehpants herself, Scout:
Glamour shots!
This is the best idea ever. Thank you for suggesting it and I echo the comments to make this a regular thing on Open Threads. ALL THE KITTY PICS.
Yay, black cats are the best!
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This is Molly:
I agree! BLACK CATS FTW. Molly is beautiful and looks SO MUCH like my own Fetish, the lovely thing pictured on the couch, above.
Black cats are MOST DEFITINELY the best.
Feel better C.B. Blanchard.
All of your cats are perfect!
Behold my gingercat dude. He’s a whirlwind of destruction. He even has his own tumblr to document it: http://stuffmycatknockedonthefloor.tumblr.com/
And both my fluffernutters, being sweet:
hahahha your tumblr is so good.
Thanks! He’s an entertaining little beast.
Warm. kitty. belly.
This picture wins Open Thread.
I think this was Mallory after reading about Brittney Griner?
Seconding the thumbs up on the tumblr. Does he also like chewing through cables like mine? I replaced three chargers and innumerable headphones before I learned to put them in zippered cases before leaving the house.
Oh yes he does! As does my other cat, who is generally a perfect angel. I also endeavor to keep them in zipped up cases. Though he did recently manage to turn on a lamp in the middle of the night, so I’m not entirely unsure he won’t eventually figure out how to unzip zippers soon.
My friend cat-sat for my boys when I was out of town a few years ago and she made them a youtube video! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WYiv6UbUwcE
I am a bad cat parent in that I have never made my boys a youtube video (although they are plastered all over my face books).
Bram Stoker is the black and white boy and Oscar Wilde is the orange tabby.
Delurking just for this!
Luna:
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Oskar and Vegas:
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Look at Luna’s pretty eyes! And the happy couple snuggling! Ahhh
They’re all three very snuggly. The boys will be snuggling side by side, and Luna, particularly when it’s cold out, will walk up and lie down on top of them so that she slowly sinks down and gets wedged in between them.
A la:![]()
Squishy face!
‘have you heard the word of the Lord?’
What a beautifully earnest face!
She’s one of those people cats who definitely could have gone either full Christian missionary or full hippy-dippy depending on environment. (Guess which one I picked.)
This is Monster Truck, who fell asleep with his tongue sticking out, as you do.
And this is what he looks like when I use the hair dryer.
And one last one because he’s not a complete doof ALL the time:
I love this picture. I used only animal pics as my Facebook icons, and I am sure there are days when this face would fit. I’m with you, Monster Truck. (Also, top candidate for best cat name ever!)
I don’t have any kitties of my own, but a kitty at the shelter I volunteer at finally found a forever home after being in the shelter for almost a year, which is the best kitty news I got this week (she was both older and diabetic, so in spite of being super affectionate and laid back she was super hard to adopt out).
That is indeed lovely news!
I can make it through this day.
Bf’s bank account got overdrawn – and he’s positive the charges weren’t his. Any good voodoo thoughts/advice would be appreciated.
In better news, it’s officially spring!
Has he talked to his bank? Usually banks are pretty good about cancelling the charges you say aren’t yours and cancelling the card/ sending you a new one. Of course, some banks are better than others. The times I’ve had this happen the bank called me to ask about weird charges before I even noticed, so I don’t know if it’s harder if you call after being overdrawn. Stressful either way, make sure to take breaks to go outside and enjoy spring!
Yeah, he’s going today. I know that getting credit card charges reversed is usually pretty easy, but this is debit, so we’ll see…
My bank (this is in Canada, but I can’t imagine it would be too different elsewhere!?) has been really great about reversing debit charges, too – and reporting possible card compromise to me. If they have their heads on straight they should work with you.
last week was crappy because i had a virus that made me vomit for several days straight…but this week i saw lorrie moore speak, i went and saw a matinee of captain america, i spent good time with friends, i felt pretty okay.
so, a work of art that wowed me? does sebastian stan’s pouty manpain face count?
I was literally just diving down to the comments to say “SEBASTIAN STAN’S FACE IS THE 21ST CENTURY’S GREATEST WORK OF ART” so yes, yes it does.
it’s really something else.
how does it simultaneously look 1) like a bag full of sad kittens 2) handsoooooome, how???
What is it about pouty man faces, especially the ones with piercing blue eyes and surrounded by artfully tousled dark hair? They are sublime.
i have no idea but when he showed up at comic con with the long hair pushed back and the denim jacket and the sleepy blue eyes, he looked like the greasy dirtbag of my dreams. i want to do obscene things to his stupid dimpled chin.
YES IT DOES
If you would like more Sebastian Stan pouty manpain face, may I suggest the cancelled-too-soon TV show Kings? It is a modernized version of the (biblical) story of King David, and he plays a pouty mostly in-the-closet gay Jonathan. (fair warning though: they did not also make David gay. Not to say they wouldn’t’ve if the show had gone on longer than 13ish episodes, but I know this disappoints some people).
Dang, I thought I was the only person who watched that show! Cancelled way, way too soon, and he was gloriously pouty. Also really liked the girl who played Michal (though I don’t remember if that was exactly her name in the show).
Also Ian McShane!!!! SOOO GOOD as King Saul! Crown of butterflies! I miss that show…
I went to a fundraiser for my daughter’s school last night. Turns out that the rest of the parents are a bunch of humorless jerks because I was the only bidder on the Kids in the Hall tickets. I get to go see Kids in the Hall live in two weeks. Hurrah!
Well, it certainly turned out in your favor that the other parents have no taste! That’s awesome! The WTF with Kevin Macdonald was just lovely and made me want to see them live.
I am massively jealous, have a lovely time!
Luckyyy! I saw their live show a while back and it was epic.
I had to think about it but the best art this week for me is that I started reading Middlemarch this week. A little late for the book club but better late then never. Love it so far.
Oooh, oooh, I’ve got one! I just found out about Nadia Kamil – she has a rap about pap smears, a rape apologist satire AND she sells misogyny cross stitch pieces. Is she perfect, or what?
Yes! I watched the pap one over breakfast. So well done, and I loved the puppets.
She’s so cool! (I’m going to see her do a work-in-progress show next month *brag*). Have you seen her feminist burlesque?
Oh, that’s grand. Lucky you!
My dance team has its first competition tonight! We’re doing something that’s never been done before in ballroom formation team dancing, so we’re all a little nervous about how it will go over. I wish we’d had another week or two of practice, but here’s hoping that all goes well! *bites nails*
If all else fails, at least I have a kick-ass Oompa-Loompa level of spray tan happening.
Good luck! And dancer spray tans are the best/worst. I can just imagine your special kind of orange
Thanks!
Are you sure you aren’t living in the movie Strictly Ballroom? Because that’s how its sounding to me. DO YOUR MOVES THE WAY YOU WANT TO DO THEM!!
I love that movie so much
Sometimes I totally feel like I am!
… and sometimes it feels more like the dance scene from Silver Linings Playbook.
BOGO POGO
I watched Parenthood last night for the first time in ages (“coincidentally” stopped watching when Matt Lauria left, began watching when he returned, no, of course, not at all related) and Tavi is guest starring next week and I am !!!! about it.
In real life news, Mr. Polka Dots and I are looking at rings and I want to get him an engagement….thing? as well. I am about to spend $$ on a road bike because he wants to do that with me so I’m tempted to just do that and call it a day (Engagement bikes? The bike,for the record, is way more than the ring I picked out! So I feel like that’s maybe a fair trade off.). Did anyone get their SO an engagement gift? What’d you do?
An Engagement Bike sounds amazing
Seconded on the engagement bikes. My husband and I are strong proponents of the “Oh we’re going on this trip around our anniversary, boom, now it’s an Anniversary Vacation” school of thought.
Wait… a fellow Nimona fan???
I love Nimona. And have to steady myself when it updates, because I am far too emotionally involved in the characters. I can’t wait for the happy ending. (It HAS to have a happy ending eventually…. right?)
Yesssss. I am a little confused about the latest development with the dragon/Nimona, but can’t wait to see where it’s going.
I’m completely confused as well. I read the comments (do you?) and with every theory I find myself going “yeah, that makes perfect sense”. I’m just strapped in enjoying the ride. And worrying about everyone’s health, well not the Director’s.
Hahaha us too! I know people are going to want to see the ring, but I kind of want to emphasize the bikes as the big deal? “Yes look he got me this ring because you all expect it but BIKES!!”
bless you for reminding me why I intended to get around to watching Parenthood.
no idea about engagement gifts but the bike idea sounds really great!
As much as I want Parenthood to be the new FNL for me (own all 5 seasons, rewatch specific episodes, etc), I’m not sure I can ever go back to non-Matt Parenthood seasons.
Was re-watching FNL S5 the other day and I feel like Coach Taylor’s father figure game was uncharacteristically weak with Luke. POOR LUKE.
That is true, but Luke’s overbearing mother would have just shut. that. down. anyway, so Coach Taylor might as well expend his energies to actual fatherless guys (that’s my thinking, at least).
I got him a watch instead of a wedding ring, because he wasn’t into wearing a ring, which whatever, I didn’t really want a ring either but ended up wearing one just for convenience. So he got TAG Heuer, which cost a pretty penny.
We bought each other watches last year, otherwise that’s probably what I’d do! (I wanted to make them engagement watches at the time but we weren’t really ready then. Mr Polka Dots says he thought of them as “promise watches” which made me giggle, but was also true – “Here is this first big symbolic gift” etc etc).
I don’t really want a ring but he is insisting, so I found a sub-$500 entirely lab-created ring that makes us both happy. If I got him something, I would want it to be under $500 too (see above: bike cost ack) so unfortunately a nicer watch is currently out of the running.
Haven’t seen last night’s yet, but I am GRATIFIED that Self-righteous Braverman Son, Older finally mentioned Hattie’s existence again last week.
TECHNICALLY I don’t think she was mentioned – it was just in a preview. But I could have missed a line in there. I am also happy to see her existence acknowledged again.
I went with “either we both wear rings or neither one of us wears a ring.” We got engagement piggy banks.
I have FEELINGS about equal symbols for engagement/ wedding things (which is totally a me thing, don’t even know where it comes from), so it would have been hard for me to say ‘yes, I’ll wear a ring that shows that I belong to you every day, and here, you can have this non-ring thing.” I…um…also insisted on matching wedding bands, so…yeah.
Engagement bikes sounds awesome, though.
Work of art that wowed me: LATEST EPISODE OF PARKS
Other notes: My IUD installation (thanks to whichever Toastie came up with that one) was a breeze. Brief weird sensation, like “what the fuck are you doing in THERE, lady?!” and then nothing; minor cramps that night and last night, but now it’s been 5 days with only minor spotting and the briefest cramping. Mom and I talked about how rad it is that I have been babyproofed for the next 5 years and she said she recalls sitting on the bus after getting her first packet of pills in the 60s, looking around at all the men on board, and thinking You can’t get me.
My mom thinks it’s so awesome IUD’s are back in “fashion,” as it were, it’s so cute.
They had to be taken off the market actually; the 90’s IUDs weren’t very safe. But now they’re WONDERFUL, except for me because I had awful side effects. But they’re still AWESOME and so much cheaper than a monthly contraceptive.
Yeah I don’t have the magical experience that others seem to and I’m not sure cost-wise it’s really that much cheaper for me (I got it when I had shitty insurance), BUT I don’t have to take a pill every day and that alone is enough to keep me going with it.
Yeah, my IUD cost me $15 total because I was working for a large university with great insurance. Unfortunately it didn’t work well for me so now I’m on the pill which is awesome buuuttttt it’s $60 a month because I work for a tiny non-profit with terrible benefits. Kinda sucks, but better than getting pregnant amiright??
I’m curious what your side effects were/which kind you had–just trying to see if there’s anything I should watch out for.
I’ve had a copper IUD since ’07, and it’s great except that my periods always have a CRAZY heavy day. Such that I regularly overflow the most absorbent tampon on the market and wake up covered in blood. I don’t think this happens to everybody? And it has steadily gotten worse over the years. Waiting for the hubs to get a full-time mail carrier posish with gov’t benefits, cause then’s he’s getting a vasectomy & I can hopefully go back to a more reasonable flow.
Oh, this totally happened to me – I had a copper implant for 10 years. Last year it was time to change it out or… so I got myself fixed (it was the best decision ever), and my OBGYN was like, “You are one of the very few people whose periods might actually get LIGHTER after a tubal ligation.” And she was right. Ten years of monster periods (but zero hormones, blood clots, etc) followed by a year (almost) of lovely, much easier periods. Yay!
This is not a response to the relevant part of your comment, but my parents are both relatively-recently-started rural mail carriers and the wait to go from sub to full-time was just PAINFUL. Also, I have way too many thoughts about the postal service now. But the benefits are amazing, and my fingers are crossed for you!
Yeah, it’s gonna be a while. But we live cheap in a cheap city, so we’ll get by till then.
I had a lot of cramping throughout the month, started to get ovarian cysts, I bruised easier, got acne, and some lost libido.
I call my IUD my death star 😀
Petition to have you interview your mom or have her write something for The Toast.
Co-signed.
Double co-signed.
Triple signed.
Quadruple signed.
She is seriously amazing. I was about 15 when I found out for the first time that she LIVED WITH HER PERSIAN BOYFRIEND IN TEHRAN for about a year pre-Revolution. You know….maybe I should think about that….
HOLY CRAP.
I would love to read something she writes, or an interview of her.
one of my best friends is in town and I’m taking a half day! best day ever
Have so much fun! Do you have special plans?
nooo that’s the best part, just gettin the old crew back together and CHILLING like we’re still in college. So excited
Ugh, guys, crushes are the worst. Nothing is going to come of it, and I just want to get rid of these stupid feelings. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone y/y?
To distract myself, let’s talk about GAME OF THRONES. Guys. GUYS. Best premiere since Season 1, I think.
I just want to congratulate them on making me interested in a character I have literally never cared about. How great was Oberyn Martell?
Here are your options:
-great
-the greatest
-OMG I FUCKING LOVE THE DORNISH
HOUSE MANWOODY WHAT UP
SO GREAT. I was so happy with him and Ellaria. This season is going to be so awesome.
More Sand Snakes!!
I accept that you could not care about Oberyn from the books (I assume you have read them?). I accept it but I do not understand it.
Yeah, I have, and I don’t think he’s a weak character. I think Dorne and the Martells came into the series late enough that it’s harder for me to invest in them, especially since I don’t see how they’ve had much impact on the ol’ Race to the Throne just yet. I do love me some Sand Snakes, though.
ALSO, huge casting upgrade with the new Daario Naharis. I wanted them to bang then and there.
YES. New Daario is waaaaay more attractive than old Daario. I totally get why Dany wants to bang him all the time now.
That’s legit, although I am also of the camp that doesn’t give a f— about who ends up on the throne because ICE ZOMBIES and we might as well have a badass bisexual Dornish prince, right? And yeah this Daario was miles better, although for some reason I kept hoping there would be some sly joke about his changed appearance even though I knew there wouldn’t be. Like, at least, “Oh Daario, your NEW BEARD looks GREAT.”
Dany: Where’s Daario Naharis?
Barristan: Being recast, your grace.
Dany: Does he at least have a blue beard?
What a great gif!!! I love the internet.
i’m still upset he doesn’t tbh
I agree with you, re: Dorne; I kind of wish I were invested in them, but by the time they came around there were just so many story lines and characters already, that just… nope, sorry, too late.
I did like Oberyn, though. can’t wait for [mumblemumblespoilers].
(also YES to the new Daario. the first dude was unacceptable.)
I….may have skimmed through many a Quentyn chapter in ADWD. I love Arianne chapters though! And once you learn what Doran’s plan is…oof.
Yes yes yes he is Liam from Nashville and I want to see his hot Dutch face in everythangggg
Yeah, I think by the time the Martells really got going I was annoyed that the original characters all seemed split up and wandering around and not really in the mood to have yet more characters. I’m warming to them more, though.
Am I the only one on here that hates the new Daario? I HATE THE NEW DAARIO. I feel like he and Emilia Clarke have no chemistry, and while he is good looking, he isn’t the over the top, flamboyantly sexy man Daario Naharis is supposed to be.
Another friend & I agreed that the season opener would have been much stronger if Jorah yelled “He doesn’t even go here!” at the new Daario once he showed up on screen.
I don’t really like him. I liked that old Daario and book Daario were kind of skeezy but still hot and exactly the type of guy teenage Dany would totally go for. Especially because the Nice Guys of the internet raised such a fuss about her being into a hot, kind of losery, sexy dirtball of a guy when there was Nice Guy Jorah right there. Now new Daario brings her wildflowers and has silly competitions with the other boys to sit next to her? Boring.
I don’t like the new Daario either. He looks like a Westerosi tavern extra. I hope he will impress later.
Old Daario wasn’t perfect, but he had that badboy look that I equated with Daario in the books. I didn’t like Daario in the books, because I don’t think we are supposed to. I didn’t understand his appeal to Dany, which might actually make the new actor perfect, since I do not get his appeal…
When I have a crush I persuade myself out of it by imagining the crush object doing gross-but-normal-person things.
– picking their nose and eating it
– wiping badly after the loo
– never cleaning the bathroom
– vomiting
It seems to help. It demythologises them in my head and turns them into Ordinary and Gross Person so my feelings pass.
Ugh, crushes. Definitely get under someone if there is a suitable someone available. I am in a place where there are a few of my friends/acquaintances who I’m crushing on to one degree or another, and a couple who I know are attracted to me, but as far as I can tell there is no overlap between these two groups. Feelings are dumb.
Yeah, it’s a friend. So it’s totally lame, and I know I’ll get over it eventually, it’s just annoying now. Feelings are the worst!
Oh man that situation is the WORST.
All the sympathy. I’ve carried a torch for a friend of mine for an unreasonable amount of time (we’re talking over five years now). At this point, I don’t know if I even want to be over it. So no advice from me, but lots of feels for you.
I recently read this blog, so I’ve been trying to see if I can reframe the feelings. I’m trying to push away the negative thoughts and feelings that come with an unrequited crush and focus on the warm feelings of love and friendship that are there regardless. It’s difficult, but I think it might help.
I was FINALLY able to quash my serious, deep-abiding love for one of my best friends, after 7 years of agony. Fell in love with him in college and carried it for way, way too long, partially because we started sleeping together pretty shortly after college even though he lived across the country. Now he’s being a dickhole and I’m glad I fixed the whole heart-vagina situation BEFORE that started happening.
I’m going to Italy next week! I have never been, and am very excited about all the gelato, pasta, and wine. And the thousands of years of art and history should be pretty cool too. I’ll be in Rome for two days by myself [including on Good Friday, which will be intense], and then my parents are joining me and we’re going to a house in Umbria. Any Italy tips from Toasties? Where should I go, what should I eat, what should I bring back for friends?
OH MY GOD ITALY, I love it so much.
One tip about Rome: By yourself, it can be a little scary. I don’t tell you this to try to freak you out, because it is totally manageable and incredible. But things move really really quickly there, and (for me at least) it’s easy to get overwhelmed.For me it was helpful to just consciously think about slowing down when things started to feel like too much.
In terms of sights, go to the Trevi Fountain at night with a bottle of wine. It’s so beautiful.
I totally agree that Rome can be super overwhelming. When it starts to be too much or you just need a break duck into a church. Any church. It will probably be pretty but even if it’s not it will be a quiet place to rest your feet. Also wear sturdy walking shoes!
Don’t know if you’re into this sort of thing, but the Capuchin Crypt was really interesting and worth a visit, imo. Also, Trastevere for exploring/good restaurants/people-watching. Have fun! I loved Rome.
(and yes, bring good walking shoes…!)
OMG UMBRIA for Easter! That will be magical. I only know about it what ive seen on Pinterest vacation boards and it seems just dreaaaammmy. Rome was my fav city last time I visited and totally doable by youself. Just eat everything while sitting outside and bring a real hard-cover book and look at everything and experience all of its beauty just for you.
I’m headed there next week too! We’ll be in Rome on Good Friday, but Florence by Easter. Mr. Jo and I will be traveling with our 19 month old daughter so that will be interesting/maddening/delightful. I’m a bit nervous about jet lag and a toddler, but we’ll manage I guess. I’m looking forward to spoiling all of us with large quantities of gelato.
ETA: What with all the eating and running around parks we’ll be doing, I’m hoping to find some time to see some artwork. With a toddler, I’m not sure how that will work. Basically, we’ll be winging it every day.
Congratulations and safe travels! I’ve only made it to northern Italy, so can’t offer suggestions on Rome. But if you can make it as far as Florence, I highly recommend it. Florence is amazing. And Venice is the best city in the world, IMO. Don’t worry about what you should eat. EAT EVERYTHING. Personally, I prefer granitas over gelato.
When I went with a friend a couple of years ago, we did an after-hours tour of the Vatican museums, and it was fantastic. The tour guide was an art history PhD student, the place was almost empty, I learned SO MUCH, highly recommend.
Also, the museum at the Villa Borghese is very worth the trip.
The gardens in Rome are great, particularly in the spring! My favorite place in Rome is the Orange Garden on the top of the Aventine, which is near the Circus Maximus, and the church of the knights of Malta where you can look through a keyhole and see Saint Peter’s! It can be overwhelming, but only if you try to see “all” of the important stuff, since literally everything is important. So just pick a few things you really want to see and spend the rest of the time just walking around!
Go everywhere, eat everything.
Probably not the best advice ever, but maybe? I haven’t been to Rome, just Venice (not “just” Venice, you know what I mean, right?) and it was lovely and wonderful. Also hot as Hades (we were there in August, and it’s a Land of No Air Conditioning) but still so worth it. The food was amaaaazing, almost without fail. And of course tons of wonderful cheap wine, oh man, I want to go back.
It will be wonderful! Have fun!
I’m doing decaf-only April and it is killing me. I can barely concentrate and I’m tired all the time. I think it’s beginning to even out the last 2 days, but last weekend I took a 3 hour nap both days.
Any one else ever detoxed from caffeine with disastrous results? Any ideas for not falling asleep this weekend?
Go to bed as early as possible! Or better yet, just make sure you keep bedtimes/wake up times consistent, even on weekends. That’s the hardest part for me being caffeine-free, but it’s so rewarding. I don’t know why you’re doing it, but personally, my anxiety levels automatically get cut in half when I skip the coffee.
Unfortunately, I was already doing that. 🙁 I am doing it basically just to reset the whole system. I was going to bed at the same time and waking up at the same time and I was getting progressively less and less rest during that time.
That’s now been resolved (sleeping like a rock for exactly 8 hours), but I have this need to keep going for some reason.
I quit caffeine in college after being frightened into it by a doctor / my own health crisis. I remember struggling to stay awake. Gambits included:
~quick walks around the block while under-dressed (but still decent) to induce feeling cold
~vigorous hair brushing to get the scalp tingling
~copious & frequent drinks of water and water-based stuff (active bladder keeps me alert & hydration aids alertness)
Good for you and good luck.
Can you sit in the sun for a solid 10 minutes every morning? I bet getting some light will help.
I periodically quit caffeine and go back (gently) and it SUCKS. The keeping-sleep-consistent thing is THE BIGGEST ONE.
I like to replace caffeinated beverages with stuff that is similar but NOT caffeinated. Hot herbal tea or white tea instead of coffee, or sparkling juice instead of Diet Coke. It helps with the urge to PUT SOMETHING CAFFEINE IN MY HAND. It really helps. And exercising, which I HATE recommending but really does help.
PSA: White tea has caffeine. Minimal caffeine, but not none. I gave up caffeine a while back because it worsens my anxiety like no other. I had half a cup of white tea and it still gave me the jitters. So I’d avoid that.
I had to cut out coffee cold-turkey last autumn for medical reasons. I have since replaced it with tea, but c’mon: we’re talking an eight-espresso-shots habit, so one little cup of tea is not the same.
I was miserable for the first few days, and a little rocky and forgetful for maybe as long as two weeks, but now I feel just fiiiiiiine. I sleep better, I’m a little (not a lot) less jumpy, and it’s been months since I just sat and stared at someone’s cup of coffee.
Since I recovered, I’ve tried a cup of mild coffee a few times, and it’s most unpleasant: my heart starts galloping in my chest and I get very anxious. I used to be one of those people who said “Oh, caffeine doesn’t affect me much,” to which I now say “ahahahahahahah NOPE WRONG.”
I had a fairly strong coffee/Diet Coke habit in college that I had to break when my heart condition was diagnosed. I spent quite a while (like, MONTHS) really tired, which was probably also attributable to wicked strong beta blockers.
And then I got over it, and realized that getting enough sleep consistently is key. I also find that sugar is helpful first thing in the morning, even if it’s just a glass of cranberry juice.
You’re right that when you quit, you realize how sensitive you are to caffeine! I’ve spent a handful of sleepless nights, lying there feeling my blood pumping through my veins, after drinking tea that turned out not to be decaf.
My mom dropped coffee after a trip to Venice (she was like “hanging out with/being an addict is BORING when you just want to get out and see the city and not run around looking for coffee”) and now she is the most sensitive to caffeine. Like, she can’t eat chocolate. I can vouch for the fact that it makes her insane and wildly erratic and bitchy when she does.
But I don’t understand, coffee is sold *everywhere* in Italy at all bars, and it takes just 2 seconds to order an espresso and drink it standing at the bar (and it is so good! and such a great place to people-watch during your 2 seconds of coffee consumption).
Oh man, I have no advice, but only sympathy. I tried to cut out caffeine recently because…I don’t know why. I lasted four days before I apologized to my husband for ruining our week and then made some damn coffee. And I had been drinking maybe 1-2 cups of coffee in the morning, and no other caffeine so…ouch.
On the one hand I was alarmed at the obvious chemical addiction, but on the other hand I decided I was miserable and didn’t care.
I slept a LOT during my experiment, but by the 5th day (when I gave in) I was starting to feel a little more normal. Based solely on my experience I would hope you’d feel right as rain after a week. Good luck!
If you hadn’t already started , I would have suggested tapering off. I have a couple times and for the longest time all I drank was one cup of green tea in the morning (if for nothing more than the ritual).
Good luck!!
When I was a barista I drank soooo much coffee and eventually (about a year ago) I gave up caffeine cold turkey. The first couple weeks were hell, I remember. But the one thing that really helped was establishing a routine. I was in bed by 8 every night and woke up at 5 every day (ugh, work). I went through the same motions every day, and that really helped. I did take a lot of naps though.
I also got really dependent on decaf coffee/caffeine free coke. Tricked my brain just enough!
Do you need to or is it just an experiment? Because a lot of studies have shown that people who drink 1-2 cups of coffee together, especially women, live longer and are protected from dementia. Coffee is full of anti-oxidants and even caffeine itself is good for you *in moderation*.
Some people do definitely have special health conditions that are a reason for cutting it out, but the majority of people actually will be healthier for a little coffee if drunk in moderation.
Seconded! After decades caffeine-free, I began enjoying 2 small cups of coffee each morning.
I still watch for the symptoms that had me drop caffeine in the first place, but they have not reappeared. Moderation is probably why. Back then I was seriously abusing the chemical.
I find that my daily moderate dose is helping with a different medical problem. A little morning coffee supports my anti-depression efforts.
Does the pappardelle with honey mushrooms and slow cooked duck ragu in a white wine sauce with parmesan cheese that I had on monday count as a work of art? I think it does. So that.
I had a pappardelle with lamb ragu a week ago that I am still thinking about, so I’m on board with pasta-as-art!
Oh, and also Kate Beaton’s Ducks: http://beatonna.tumblr.com/post/81993262830/here-…
Holy shit, yes. So weirdly moving. Her characterizations are so good I feel like I know the people she knew. It makes my heart hurt.
Oh! I had a work of art gluten-free veal and pork meatballs with herbal goat cheese in tomato sauce on fusilli, a Bellini from a bottle, and fresh-baked gluten-free bread on Saturday! I cried from joy in the restaurant. So I am 100% on board with pasta being a work of art. Also, Ducks too.
(comment contains some stuff about food/issues with food, so feel free to skip if you don’t wanna deal with that shit today, WHICH I UNDERSTAND)
Toasties, do you have any advice on how to begin changing unhealthy attitudes about food? Food is pretty much my reward and consolation, what I turn to when I’m happy and when I’m sad. And if I try to reason that there are other kinds of rewards and consolations, I feel like I’m punishing myself by denying myself. It doesn’t help that on either kind of occasion, my family has always gone for not just quality but also excess. This is less about weight – I am somewhat overweight, but I like my body – than it is about overall physical and emotional health. UGH, I don’t know, it just seems impossible.
this is so hard!!!!!!! like, impossible. I have been sort of interested in this series which you might like: http://www.refinery29.com/the-anti-diet-project
This looks really cool, thank you! I saw something about it a few months ago, but I haven’t really checked it out.
Seconded. I love the Anti Diet Project for the intuitive eating focus.
What if you could just tend to the “excess” part rather than trying to stop using food as reward and consolation? Because I’m not convinced that’s a problem.
On the other hand, exercise helps me when I’m down.
The Fat Nutritionist did a series of “lessons” on eating that are kind of about this stuff. Lesson four was specifically about emotional eating, but I recommend all of them. The first one is here, and probably the easiest way to find the rest is by looking through the “Humane Nutrition” category.
How about a contingency plan? Until you are able to separate “reward” from “food”, focus on limiting food as reward.
Example: In the past year I have rewarded myself with ice cream about 3 times a month. And each time I ate way too much. Until I can change my mindset, I will purposely buy myself a small serving of high-quality ice cream every other weekend, without fail. I will look forward to it and focus on enjoying each slow bite.
It’s like legalizing drugs in order to control them.
Best wishes from one still in the contingency plan.
I just read Intuitive Eating and found it to be very helpful about reprogramming your thoughts to suit your body’s hunger. I’ve also heard good things about Geneen Roth and stuff about emotional eating.
I have a lot of behaviors I’m trying to tweak, and one thing I do is make lists of things I enjoy and can do instead of (behavior). It’s easy to conveniently lose the list when I’d rather panic or otherwise be naughty and not constructive, but having it nearby has diverted me more than once. And it’s easy things: Drink a pint of water, do a sudoku, draw badly without judgment, etc.
Augh, this is a really good idea. All y’all have such great ideas. Thank you so much!
This is so so so hard and good for you for taking the first step toward change. I (mostly) got over my obsessive-compulsive eating disorder by getting tested for every food allergen known to humans and then cutting out EVERYTHING, cold turkey. I used to binge on doughnuts and but once I found out what wheat, sugar, and dairy did to my gut (permanent, irreparable damage), they lost their appeal quick.
I know it’s not for everyone, but adhering to a strict Paleo-style diet has helped me so much with my emotional eating issues. It’s helped me finally internalize the notion of food as fuel, not reward.
Good luck!
I dunno, that’s so tough. I have found exercise a really really effective anti-depressant/anti-anxiety treatment for me, so sometimes I’ll talk myself into going to the gym or a walk or whatever before anything else. Then I let myself eat whatever I want, but I’m usually a bit less sad, so the food has a bit less emotional power.
one belated thought:
have you considered using good smells as a reward, instead of food? There’s a company that makes “sniff-boxes” of calming & energizing scents, but it could also be a perfume you uncork or put s small spritz of on your wrist, an orange studded with cloves, crushing some basil leaves, an essential oil.
Basically you get the pleasure of a delicious taste (because smell and taste are so closely associated) without having to eat something, and you can also choose smells that are calming or soothing, like lavender; energizing, like citrus; or that just make you feel happy for some reason. The perfume line “CB I hate Perfumes” is pricier than an essential oil but also really great for this because he doesn’t do “sexy” perfumes, but rather interesting scents that are more closely linked to experiences and collective memories.
guys, i am moving next week and I am suddenly SO SAD!!!!!!!!!! Please tell me what I can watch, listen to, and read if I want to just, like, cry a lot. seriously. I’m fine, but I need some good crying this weekend.
If I’m already in a about-to-cry place, Season 4 of Friday Night Lights (episodes 4-8 especially) and/or Atonement are pretty good at tipping me into waterworks territory.
I like a lot of the songs on “You Think It’s Like This but Really It’s Like This” by Mirah for moving-sadness times. Well mostly just Person Person I guess. And La Familia.
“Useless Desires” by Patty Griffin is my traditional moving/moving on song. Nicole’s the one who made me realize how much I needed her in my life.
Here it is!
I just listen to Landslide by Fleetwood Mac on repeat whenever I am sad about anything. Perfect for moving/moving on.
Per a convo down-thread, Call the Midwife. You’ll cry because of babies…. and friendship!!!!
Mr. B_Ham and I have yet NOT to cry at an episode of CtM.
Me too! I thought this season opener wouldn’t get me…and then, of course, right at the end, it did.
Ditto. And I’m not even a huge baby person. Waterworks every time!
In God Said “Ha!”, Julia Sweeney talks about this technique of making yourself cry using movies or music; she calls in the firebreak method. God Said “Ha!” always works pretty well for me; ditto Emma Thompson’s Wit.
My go-to crying movies are: Up, A League of Their Own, The Notebook, Stepmom, and The Family Stone. Trigger warning on the last two for being sad for mom-related reasons.
My go-to crying books are The Time-Traveler’s Wife and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (I know, I know).
I don’t think I have any go-to crying songs. None come to mind immediately, anyway.
Just about anything by Jeff Buckley or Jacques Brel is a good bet to turn on the tears.
On the classical side, Barber’s Adagio for Strings, major parts of Mahler’s 9th Symphony and Gorecki’s Symphony of Sorrowful Songs are heartbreakingly, brutally gorgeous, and if you don’t cry at some point during one of them you are basically made of stone.
I’m super weird and the only movies that make me cry are Deep Impact and The Patriot (?!!??!?) but boy do they do it every time.
But I will say pretty much any sappy Lifetime or Hallmark Channel thing about adoption will also do the trick.
My go-to cry movie is Armageddon, because BRUCE WILLIS NOOO. And even the non-crying bits are super entertaining.
So this week I learned that I would rather stay in the same apartment as a man who has said he’s not in love with me anymore, even though we barely make eye contact and even though every time we almost have a normal conversation it’s like a gut punch, than have him leave. Hooray for self-discovery. *sarcastic jazz hands*
Hugs for you. I played this game for almost 9 months before I ended up moving out because I couldn’t take the constant gut punches anymore. It’s hard, really really hard, and I feel you.
Shit, that’s awful. If you need someone to talk to who is totally unconnected to the situation, you have my number. 🙁
I may take you up on that. Another thing I’m learning is that currently (due in part to his influence, haha) I have more self-confidence and a better support system than I can ever remember having before. So I know it’ll work out eventually, I just really want to skip to that part and not deal with the in-between.
Oh, jeez, that’s a terrible feeling no matter which way you slice it. I’ve been there. I’m sorry. It’s a hard place to be, and you won’t be there forever.
YUCK, and also, so understandable. I’m so sorry. I hope you have something to look forward to this weekend, even if it’s an ice cream cone or a kitty video.
That is sucky. Please be kind to yourself and maybe spend lots of time away from the apartment this weekend if that would help.
Hey I’m moving to Boston in August, anybody wanna be friends?
Yes! It is great here!
Where do you live? We’re looking to move to Sharon, which is far out but one of the only places that’s affordable for a family. My husband will be working in Waltham, and I’m looking for a job in the theater field.
I live in Somerville, but that’s not really doable for a family unless you’re $TACKED WITH CA$H. My partner and I are actually trying to find somewhere cheaper where we can have a dog. I haven’t been to Sharon but in general the MA suburbs are pretty nice! It’s easy to just drive to a T station and come into the city if you want to have a wild Friday night or whatever.
ME
I don’t live in Boston, but if the Twitter Toast contingent is any indication, half the people reading this thread right now do.
BOSTON IS THE BEST
I don’t live there anymore (*tear*) but I wish you well in your Bostonian endeavors.
Yes! I’m usually not around for cocktail hours, have Boston Toasties talked about planning any let’s-be-friends events?
I do! I work in the city and live in the Burlington/Woburn area, a bit north, both of which are good for families and not terribly far from Waltham.
Yes hello! Sorry to be an echo, but Boston is absolutely the best! I live in Somerville, but I’ve taken the commuter rail to Sharon a couple of times and it seems pretty manageable.
Yes! Enjoy living in Sharon, it’s wicked nice. I live out past Concord, northwest of the city, but not too far from Waltham, and work in Cambridge. I try to make it to Toast/Hairpin group events when I can. Hope to meet you after you move!
A work of art that wowed me: This Billy Collins poem, “Consolation,” which is always just astonishing and heartbreaking no matter how many times I read it. http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/consolation/
Billlyyyy <3
Have you ever watched this 3-year-old recite the Billy Collins poem Litany?
That does not seem reeeaaallllll. I love it.
This was beautiful, thanks for sharing!
(I am going to a town outside Bologna for work next month, so I guess I’ll have to figure out the Italian word for ice.)
This piece over at the Hairpin is a littttttttle too accurate a reflection of my professional and academic life right now, so that’s my art for the week. I’m going to go back up abnd stare longingly at that pasta and Bellini.
Oh my godddd, yeah, that is my life every day at work :-/
NEVER MIND THE BABY FELL
I finally broke down and ordered a Clairsonic from Sephora last night (15% off coupon) after years of debating. I made the right choice, right? And I can return it if it doesn’t make me glow like Gwyneth Paltrow after a juice cleanse?
Also, this conversation happened last week when I went to a sporting goods shop to meet my friend. In Center City here, most of the stores have bored security guys hanging out by the door. (For context, I am very Ashkenazi-looking, but I am also from Philly and have lived 20/25 years of my life here.)
Security guy: Are you looking for anything?
Me: I’m meeting a friend, but I’m not sure if she’s here yet.
Guard: Are you from Israel?
Me: No, I’m from Philly.
Guard: But you’re from Israel, right? You have an accent.
Me: I don’t think I do… I’m from here.
Guard: But you have an accent. Where are you from?
Me: Everyone has an accent, technically… But I’m from Philly!
Guard: What is your nationality?
Me: American!
Guard: No, I asked your nationality!
Me: Yeah, American. I was born in America.
Guard: *sighs* No, what is your nationality?
Me: American. I’m from America.
Guard: Where is your family from?
Me: Eastern Europe, but that was a really long time ago.
Guard: See! I knew you had an accent!
Me: Okay. Where’s the women’s shoes section?
Where is the fiery pit of hell I can push this dude into?
FLAMESSS on the side of my face.
What the hell? It’s his persistence that really gets me, ugh.
“I was born here. Right here. No, you don’t understand: I was born in this spot here, right here, and I have lived here since. Where are women’s shoes? I don’t know because I’ve never strayed from this spot.”
This happens to me all the damn time. I wish they’d just give up and say “Why do you look funny?” It’s what they’re actually asking, it would save us some time, and it’s really only fractionally ruder.
Yes. It was hard for me not to say, “Yes, I know I look Jewish,” but I didn’t want to support the stereotype that all people who look like me are Jews and vice versa, and since when is it unusual for Jewish-looking people to be in a large northeastern city?
My sister just reminded me of the lifelong fun my mom has gotten from looking somewhat Native American and having multiple ear piercings (despite also being Ashkenazi! Apparently we’re just so weird looking). A little girl once saw her and said, “Mommy, is that an Indian??” Mom: “No, honey, Indians ride horses.”
She even made up a fake tribe called EAMIISMIA–Everybody Asks Me If I’m Indian So Maybe I Am. People usually believed her when she claimed membership in it.
That is ruuuude.
Also, Clarisonic: it can depend on the brush head! I used the sensitive/regular brush heads at first and was not that impressed, but the delicate brush head is making my skin look magical. I don’t have very sensitive skin, either, but if you do I would take that into consideration!
I had a sort of opposite experience today, though it was in a way very similar! My husband and I like to eat at this cheap Middle Eastern food chain in Toronto, where they are always wanting to know where I’m from. I usually say the ancestral countries without mentioning that I’m Jewish, because why bother? They just stare at me and keep asking “but where are you FROM” and eventually get bored. Today I let them know that I’m Jewish of somewhat Middle Eastern ancestry (the cuisine they’re serving is my home cuisine, actually), and they were all, “AHA. You’re NOT Middle Eastern then. You’re JEWISH. Bet it was easier for you to immigrate here than it is for me, wasn’t it? You’re JEWISH.” I’m sure not being an Arab man meant that my application wasn’t held up unfairly (though it DID take two years), but my being Jewish did nothing to grease the wheels. It isn’t even apparent from my name. And I *AM* Middle Eastern. That’s all my food too there. Sigh….
Rewatched 10 things I hate about you the other night – I did not appreciate how fun that film is when it first came out!
10 Things is sooo good.
Fun fact. My Dad (who has never seen the film) can quote from it, thanks to my sister and I.
I watched that movie probably a dozen times in high school theater classes but I haven’t seen it since. Sounds like I should!
It is absolutely amazing.
I know this is a deeply private subject, but do any Toasties have any experiences with Al-Anon that they’d be willing to share with me? I’ve been trying to decide all week whether I should go to a meeting.
No harm in going. Worst case: it’s not for you and it cost you only an hour of listening.
As someone who has been in relationships with people both before and after they started going to Al-Anon, please go. It’s not only you who will benefit.
This is an incredibly good point that I hadn’t considered. My husband has been nothing but supportive when dealing with my family and their drug/alcohol problems, but I’m sure that it could be good for both of us.
I went a few times during a very sad breakup with a partner who was just getting sober. Ultimately it wasn’t really for me but just those few meetings were good places to sit and cry.
Been a few times, but not for a while. I found the first few were great in just allowing me to see how incredibly similar everyone else’s experiences were, and they really helped me to realize the extent to which my family wasn’t alone. It also depends on the meeting. If you’re not into the first one, I encourage you to try another one in a different place on a different day. I’ve found they vary pretty dramatically. The ones I’ve liked best have been lunchtime meetings near a lot of workplaces in a large metropolitan area, simply because they seem to be the best attended, and thus, fairly “established.” The super small meetings weren’t for me, because they all devolved into one person spending the majority of the time doing the talking/storytelling, which was probably great for that person, but not very useful for me. But that’s just one woman’s opinion.
Good luck, and also I’m sorry.
Ooh, that’s interesting to hear about large vs. small meetings. I assumed that smaller meetings would be better because they’re more intimate, but that devolution does make sense to me.
Thanks. Since I’m in a large metropolitan area, I am going to try different kinds of meetings to see what works (if anything does).
And now for something completely different: previously.tv’s firefly theme song covers reminded me that “Another Year” by The David Mayfield Parade is actually the perfect theme song for that show.
On the topic of pasta. My parents are touring the Meditteranean/Holy Land for the next couple weeks. My dad texted me a picture of St. Peter’s from his hotel room window this morning.
I aspire to be able to do the same in my retirement years. (Spam family with candid snapshots of world landmarks…)
Is anyone else watching RuPaul’s Drag Race? I’m sort of ambivalent about this season in general, but I’d like to start a petition to put more Bianca del Rio on TV, under any circumstances, because I’ll watch the shit out of any of it.
I am so sad that Milk went home and Trinity is still in.
I want to believe in Trinity! I think she’s getting lots better! But I’m not sure she’ll last much longer.
Trinity turned it around. If Dela keeps falling flat and Courtney fails, I think Trinity is top three material. Bianca will win, though. I have no idea how she won’t.
More Bianca del Rio always and forever, please!
There is always a pretty one that takes waayyyy too long to leave. I would watch Bianca in anything.
I just read The Planet on the Table by Wallace Stevens for the first time and it kind of blew my mind. I love him.
<3 u Wallacie
Does anyone watch Call the Midwife? I finally started it on a friend’s recommendation and ended up watching four episodes during my sick day this week and sobbing nonstop. Midwifery! Period drama! Bicycles! Poverty! NUNS!
IT’S THE BEST. THE ABSOLUTE BEST!!!!
BEST! Friendship and babies and happiness and sadness and life and death!!!!!
I’m studying nursing now and I am currently trying to get everyone in my class to watch this show. Community healthcare! Nurses on bicycles! MIDWIFE CALLING
Oh! A work of art I’ve seen this week – Marina Keegan’s essay on The Hairpin. It is devastatingly ironic and I can’t wait to buy her book even though I anticipate sobbing through it.
Oh that essay was so good!
I had an ok if busy week, but I’ve pretty much been stuck on GO! since last week, and I’m more than ready to have a day of doing nothing.
Last week’s cold turned out to just be the WORST ALLERGIES EVER, so I made it to my concert, had my burrito, and a marvelous time hanging out solo. A+, will do more solo adventures in the future.
Now I am trying to figure out when I’m gonna go pixie my hair. Do I wait until it gets warmer? To I wait until I run out of this pot of pink dye, since the pixie plan also involves going blonde? Do I say screw it, these are only excuses holding you back, and just go get it did after I next get paid?
I went to the doctor yesterday because I was wheezing enough that I was worried I had pneumonia, but apparently it’s the worst allergy season in a decade and she’s seeing a lot of this. I am now using an inhaler for the first time in my life, though fortunately only temporarily.
Pixie immediately, pixie forever.
Seconded. Pixie immediately. I got my pixie back last month and it is the best.
Guys this last week was a blur of studying in bed and I don’t even want to think about it but NEXT week I write some exams (whatever) and then I am done 2/3s of law school and am going backpacking in the Balkans by lone witchy self for two whole weeks!
Speaking of which, recommendations for Serbia/Bosnia-Hercegovina/Montenegro/Croatia?
I’ve been to the Istrian peninsula (small bit of Croatia, NW, near Italy), and it was awesome. Really friendly people, lovely landscape and the sea is great
No recommendations, just thinking that trip sounds awesome! It’s basically my dream at some point, so I’m going to scribble down any recs and definitely hope you let us know the highlights when you get back.
Go see Plitvice Lakes National Park in Croatia. It is one of the most beautiful places on earth.
http://whc.unesco.org/en/list/98
Croatia: eat all of the seafood and drink all of the wine!
Go to Lepinsky Vir (sp?) and see the triangular-shaped rock that was a sacred object for prehistoric peoples! Go to Mostar for sure, although it’s been rebuilt, and also lots of ancient monasteries in the countryside. Drink walnut spirits as well as the slivovitz that everyone will offer you, and also be sure to eat gibanitsa (the Balkan version of Greek spinach pastry) and plenty of shopsky-salat (amazing salad with olives and sheep cheese that is even better than Greek salads) and the inescapable cevapchichi, but also stuffed peppers. And Turkish coffee!
Also the culture in ex-Yugoslavia is still pretty sexist, but people respect strength & confidence, and there’s also a long parallel tradition of really strong women, so don’t take any guff and people will accept that and probably even like you for it — it doesn’t have to be a big deal.
In awesome art this week, the Philadelphia Museum of Art has this exhibit of Korean art from the Joseon Dynasty, and while I haven’t gotten to see any of it in person, the PMA’s tumblr keeps posting photos and it all looks gorgeous, and I’m totally doing a day trip when I’m done with qualifying exams (t-35 days). Also, has everyone seen the Game of Thrones theme song sung by screaming goats? That is DEFINITELY art.
I went to go see that exhibit last weekend! It was definitely worth seeing!
My friends who genuinely know Korean history were a bit disappointed that it was advertised as being a “sweeping”/”comprehensive” take on the 600-ish year dynasty, but then ended up being heavy on the artifacts from the end of that time period (which is somewhat understandable). Also, it discusses a lot of the cultural/religious life of Korea during that time period, but does not give a lot of historical context in terms of rulers/technological innovation (although there is a small case discussing Hangul)/event-based information.
I really liked it, though, as someone who was coming to it with less information than they did. There are a lot of interesting/informative things to look at (including some really well preserved textiles, which I find impressive).
Also, as a bonus, if you go to the second floor to the Asian Art section (head through the early medieval art and turn left), there is the museum’s permanent collection of Korean art, which is small, but also worth seeing. There’s a celadon vase there which is particularly gorgeous (and from the dynasty before the Joseon, so very old too!)
I was visiting Philly last weekend and saw the Korean art exhibit! My impression was the same as yours — as a person who knows little-to-nothing about the history and context, it was amazing, and I loved the ways they tried to flesh it out with context.
The gorgeous silks! The court painter’s painting of a tiger side-by-side with a tiger painted by a folk artist in the same period! The hyper-realistic portraits of the Korean officials! The grasshopper hair pin! The painted screens!
As a bonus, while I was there there was also a classroom’s worth of little kids, all drawing their favorite artifacts and hearing about some of the Korean symbolism. It was so happy.
So so so beautiful. I was in ecstasy.
Game of Goats is ABSOLUTELY a work of art. I’m laughing just thinking about it right now.
(my favorite goat is the one that does the weak little “..mmeeEEeeehhhhh…” and looks like it’s about to pass out. hee hee.)
My partner’s about to go to school six hours away. We’ve been living together five years, together for six (one long distance). I don’t want to leave my career, and comparable work just doesn’t exist around the university he chose, so I’m thinking about staying in our current city. The idea of being a “trailing spouse” grosses me out, but it’s going to be hard to be left behind. The prospect of several years long-distance sounds horrrrrible.
How did you and your significant other handle grad school, moves, or job changes? Do you feel like you made the right choice?
There is no shame in being a trailing spouse of any description. My scenario is a little different because I’m married to someone in the military, but….honestly, a lot of it was just coming to grips with the idea that I was placing a relationship and family above my career and work. Which can be a totally different thing for different people! But it’s a scary proposition, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to follow your spouse somewhere. Seriously, people do it all the time! Not even only academics! ALL kinds of people do this.
If you don’t want to, don’t label yourself as a trailing spouse.
I only break out the “trailing spouse” label to explain to recruiters/hiring managers of limited experience: No I’m not a job hopper. You will notice each job was hundreds of miles from the last. I am a “trailing spouse”. Odds are you or someone you love has taken drugs that would not have been available without my husband’s expertise. And he’s not available to the biotech industry but for my amazing flexibility. Now let me explain how my adaptability and varied experience will work for you.
You’re right, of course. It’s reassuring to hear. Thank you!
My gentleman lives about two hours away, which is a lot less than six, but we’ve been doing that for almost three and a half years now. I’m in grad school, he found a great job and moved away, and it was absolutely the right choice. I’m still slogging out my degree, he’s got substantially better employment than he was likely to find here, and while it took some adjustment, you’ll find a pattern that works for you. The key is having an endpoint, even if it is quite a ways down the road — most people I know who’ve done long distance successfully had some sort of natural end point, be it “I’m finished my degree” or “I’m going for a contract position/field work/internship/what have you and then returning” or something like that. If it’s just indefinitely long distance….. that’s really hard to deal with.
It’s not easy, but you can do it! Skype is your friend — even if it’s just on in the background while you both putter about your day. And if my social circle is any indication, there are *tons* of people who’ve done or are doing long distance, so hopefully it won’t be too hard to fine support. Good luck!
We chose places that weren’t perfect for either of us because they also weren’t terrible for either of us. When things were worse for one person, we’d put a definite end date on our time in that place. When we lived apart (my work involves ALL of the travel to the middle of nowhere.) we set aside time every day to communicate about our days – and we treated that time like it was more important than everything else.
Love is about treating the other person’s needs and desires as equal to your own. If it’s a two year program in a place that’s not great for you it’s one thing, but if it’s six years, well, your partner is not being considerate of your needs and you should have a talk.
(And long distance is easier, somehow, if there’s an end date less than two years out and you’ve already been in a relationship while living in the same place.)
My partner and I were long distance and both in grad school and it was definitely a good decision. From the perspective of the person in grad school:
1) I felt no guilt about putting my education first. Need to stay later than I thought and study? Need to schedule a group project over the weekend? Need to lay on the bed and cry because Tuesdays were always awful but I don’t want to talk about it? I was able to be selfish with my time in a way I don’t think I could have if we were living together.
2) Absolutely, having an end point. If we were just working separately, I don’t know what I would have done. Knowing that we’d be together at the end of our degree programs in one city or another was key.
My program was shorter than his, and I couldn’t find a job in my city, so I moved to where he was and ended up being a “trailing spouse” of sorts. I didn’t really feel any shame about it – we wanted to be together, this was really the only way. BUT, there were plenty of job opportunities for me there. I’m not sure what my choice would have been if there wasn’t.
I also want to say: you can start out long distance and then decide that’s not working out anymore. There’s no shame in giving it a try and deciding it’s not worth it and moving closer.
(You mentioned grad school, so I’m sharing more than I otherwise might because it might be relevant. Sorry about the length.)
My wife and I met in grad school and dated for four years during. We weren’t sure we were getting married at the end of school and we agreed that getting jobs would be a #1 priority. I left a year early to take a job in Kansas. The following year, she took a job in Chicago with the idea that we would have better luck finding jobs in a large city. We lived apart for three years and I changed jobs to move to Chicago. I was sad to leave my job, which I loved, and was fairly prestigious and had upside, but not sad at all to trade Wichita for Chicago. While we were apart, we did video chat every night for about an hour. We’d play online games and watch shows together on DVR to approximate closeness. It sucked, but it was manageable. My job has a flexible schedule, so it was easier for me to visit her.
So, yeah, I was the trailing spouse, who moved once we got married, which I didn’t really mind until things got really terrible at the job I got in Chicago. Within a year of arrival, the school where I worked started to implode. When I searched for my first Chicago-area job, there were FIVE positions within a two hour radius of the city. My co-author got one of those and I lucked into one of the four remaining. When things went south at that job, the trailing spouse thing reared its head in a couple of ways. I had moved once after three years in order to trail and get married, but on paper, I looked like damaged goods. ngl: Dual career situations suck for a lot of people unless one of the partners is in a very portable profession, like school teacher, pharmacist, or a non-specialist doc, accountant, lawyer.
When I did my second job search, I searched in a very limited geographic area. Things are very tough in much of academe right now. This time around, there were only 2-3 positions in the entire Chicago area. I ended up getting a tenure-track offer in Minneapolis and — to the horror of almost everyone — I ended up turning it down to keep the family here, fully expecting to be a SAHD for awhile. It was a huge risk, but a one year contract magically fell out of the sky. If that hadn’t happened, my career in academia would likely have been over. It gave me another year to search and I was very lucky to get a tenure-track job here, which will reduce my round-trip commute from 140 miles to 16 (I start in the fall).
For the first time in a few years, we feel settled for the long term. If I could offer any general thoughts, it would be that long distance relationships take a lot of proactive effort to make them work. The other thing is that if the two of you are career-motivated and/or work in super-specialized areas, one or both will have to make sacrifices along the way and you’re going to have to really talk it out to make sure that you’re both okay with the decision. The best decision we have made (and, more importantly, are lucky enough to be able to do) is to really limit our lifestyle inflation so that we have a good financial cushion if one of us has to be out of work for a period of time. Financial security is a huge stress reliever if you can manage it.
I moved from Boston to DC so my partner could attend law school here. I had a crummy-ish job in MA that I was able to continue to do remotely for a while. I have never lived outside of MA in my life, and we both have family in this area, so I was pretty excited to try something new.
It did prevent me from going for promotions with my erstwhile company, but I was not happy there and I didn’t love working from home 100% of the time, so it wasn’t really an issue–I ultimately got a new job in the area and I’m much happier.
I was very open to the move since I didn’t have anything that I felt I really needed/wanted to stay in Boston for. If I had been in school myself, it might have been a different story. Regardless, my view is that it’s not shameful or selfish (?!) to prioritize one’s relationship or family over one’s job or career, if that’s what you want. It’s also fine to live separately to maintain career/education goals. I personally, however, would find it impossible to do without a concrete endpoint and a clear understanding from both partners about the level of commitment, communication, etc. that it will involve.
Good luck!
I’m going to a rooftop beer tasting tomorrow afternoon, so I am pretty much over today.
I’m also really angry at Gizmodo because they posted a cartoon that simply explains Heartbleed to Facebook with the comment: “Even your mom will understand this.”
I JUST WANT TO FOLLOW TECH NEWS WITHOUT THE MISOGYNIST BULLSHIT. Is that too much to ask?!
What about ageist? I’m old enough to be some adult’s mom. I *teach* effing technology literacy!
You are totally right! I called out the ageism when I commented on the post, and then left it out when I came here to rant. Sorry!
I wasn’t chastising you. I hope it didn’t read that way. I was aiming my righteous middle-aged indignation at Gizmodo.
No, it didn’t sound like you were chastising me at all! You are lovely. I just apologize for things all the time, whether it’s warranted or not. Something I’m trying to work on, actually.
The rooftop beer tasting sounds fun though! Hopefully there won’t be any tech bros there!
in anticipation of beautiful art, I got Gillian Welch tickets! Also, Listened to Rose Cousins’ record about five time this week. The BEST.
GILLIAN WELCH
I AM SO JEALOUS
Gillian Welch is the best. I bought a vintage convertible so I could ride around with the rag top down, just like Miss Ohio
Probably the best live concert I’ve ever been to was the Harrow & the Harvest tour !
Yes!!! Love that Rose Cousins! I have seen her live a few times and am learning a few of her songs myself.
I mean…as you were.
I’m trying to pick a CSA. Every year I say I’m going to join one and I never do. What kinds of things do you look for in a CSA, toasticles?
Also, last week I was bummed because the fancy signed book I had ordered for my man-fellow’s 40th birthday was lost by the postal service, so I received an empty envelope and a generic apology. But somehow, the USPS found it and looked at the packing slip in the book and SENT IT TO ME AND I GOT IT YAAAAAAAAY!
I was so excited to get it I just gave it right to the man-fellow without even wrapping it or waiting for his birthday or anything. So technically that signed Vonnegut is the work of art that wowed me this week.
LOOK FOR ONE THAT HAS PICK YOUR OWN STUFF! that is always my favorite. herbs and/or flowers. its just really relaxing and awesome.
Yeah, that is a prerequisite. I’ve heard horror stories of beet-only shares for weeks at a time.
Yay! This is why I’m a postal-service apologist, even though our mailman seems to take great delight in cramming all our mail into our tiny mailbox one piece at a time so it’s crumpled all to shit.
YOU GOT YOUR BOOK?!? That is incredible! I mean, incredibly inconvenient that it got opened and lost in the first place, doubly incredible that it showed up eventually!
I have no CSA advice, but I’ll be reading other people’s advice with interest. The one that used to drop off in my neighborhood has since moved to a drive-to-the-farm-for-pickup model, and that’s never going to work out for me. So I guess I do have advice: make sure the drop-off/pickup is really, really convenient so you aren’t tempted to blow it off some weeks.
Right??!? The whole thing is amazing.
And you’re so right about the pick-up. That is the main reason I never joined a CSA, because I am terribly lazy about getting to my farmer’s market on Saturday morning for pick-up. Everyone kept telling me how convenient it was and it just made me all squinty to hear that. How is waking up early and then putting on clothes and going out in public on your day off ever “convenient”?
My CSA is sort of half CSA/half fundraising program, so it supports the local farmers and also provides some funding for local nutritional education programs. The downside is that it’s not very cost effective (also because farming in northern Canada can’t compete with Californian mega-farms anyway) but I basically see it as a type of charitable giving in which I also get delicious food. My CSA also has a requirement that all members volunteer at least 4 hours per year, which has its upsides and downsides. It can be a pain, but now I know how to plant and pick garlic and know the owners of one of the farms and it’s kind of nice to have that connection.
Chicago Toasties, can we take one second to appreciate that even though it’s probably going to get cold again, we are finally, finally, finally experiencing sunshine and warmth??? This is the first winter in 8 years that had me seriously thinking about leaving this glorious city.
AMEN to this. I’m in a pit of grading hell, but am getting ready to open the windows and doors to get some fresh air in this beast.
I seriously almost cried yesterday over the weather.
I TOOK A WALK AT LUNCH AND ALMOST OVERHEATED*! IT WAS BLISS!
it will not be in summer, but I choose not to thing about that right now
*i think i am rather temperature sensitive
So excited for some sun!! On a related note, I wanted to get plants for my porch this weekend and really go all out, but I am concerned that the weather next week might kill them. Any gardeners have advice for me?
I just made plans for drinking tonight in a bar with outdoor seating! We will be sitting outdoors! Voluntarily!
Jane Hirshfield is always really good:
I Sat in the Sun
I moved my chair into sun
I sat in the sun
the way hunger is moved when called fasting.
I also got Trances of the Blast, the new Mary Ruefle! READ IT EVERYONE DO IT NOW.
Oh, I also had a somewhat proud moment in the coffee shop this morning.
A gross old man came up to me and used the “No sugar in your coffee, eh? Guess you’re sweet enough already” line.
I just glared at him and said, “Actually I’m really bitter. Please get out of my way.” and left.
I am NOT HERE for letting old dudes get away with being gross because they’re “harmless.”
Groooooossssss on his part and WELL DONE on yours! Some older man (50s?) tried to high-five me as I walked past him and his table of friends outside a bar and I just let my middle finger sail on by that outstretched hand.
MY HERO
You win!
You are a HERO
That’s incredible. I never think quickly enough to be scathing.
You are the best.
My boss (he’s new, change in management) used to call all the female people at the place I work ‘young lady.’ I work at a university pool so all of us are either in university or high school. BUT, his second-in-command (also young and female) told him that it made people uncomfortable and he stopped! He genuinely thought it was complimentary. Moral is, dudes in their 50s can change given the right advice.
BEST EVER
This is sappy and may not count – but the work of art that wowed me this week is my gorgeous niece whose third birthday is today. You may have seen me gushing on Twitter; she is tied for best thing in my life with Mr. September.
Other than that – spring may be in Calgary at last! Wedding plans are just ticking along! My stress-leave disability pay from December which I had given up for lost completely unexpectedly arrived!
Gorgeous 3-year-old niece counts! So say we all.
I keep wanting to believe that spring is here, but I have been TRICKED and FOOLED by Alberta weather one too many times (all the time) and so I am still extremely suspicious.
One of my favorite coworkers has just become a sales rep for Arbonne and is now trying to get us all to hostess parties and buy the stuff. I feel really guilty, because I do buy makeup and skincare stuff, but I do not want to buy her stuff. I tried some samples last night and one of them actually caused me physical pain. I think I’ve finally got her convinced that my friends are all too poor and low-maintenance to be interested in attending a party, but how can I kindly get her off my back about buying stuff? I really hate these kinds of female-network pyramid schemes, but I do like her and want to support her. But also, I’m poor and don’t want a $50 facemask that burns my face!
I think politely “I have really sensitive skin, and I found that the samples didn’t work for me. Thanks for thinking of me, though!” may work?
“Personal Policy”
It’s the perfect phrase to keep work out of your personal life. When it suits me, whatever my coworker is asking of me that is unrelated to our jobs is contrary to some Personal Policy.
Sorry, it’s my Personal Policy not to participate in public expressions of faith. This one I said twice to the same coworker, first week on the job when he asked me if I were Christian, and yesterday when he asked me to edit for the faith-based investment group he’s putting together with his church-buddies.
Living in Texas is no bed of roses. I miss the northeast.
I love this! It could apply to so many obnoxious things!
my mother in law sells Arbonne.
She tries to recruit me to also sell it more than she tries to get me to buy it, but I feel your pain.
Can I tell you my cautionary tale?
In my only encounter with an Arbonne-selling acquaintance, I flatly and honestly told her that I am just plain broke, cannot afford any of these goods, also not interested them, thanks anyhow. She told me she wasn’t looking to sell, just to try out her pitch and practice handing out samples, and I said okay.
So she came to my house, plied me with samples, asked for my feedback on her pitch… and then sit there doggedly hard-selling me with what was pretty obviously a scripted pitch, waving off my NOs with practiced, also probably scripted replies. It was quite unpleasant; I finally had to flatly tell her to leave my home.
I don’t know if this is a standard Arbonne technique or if she plotted out her script herself, but I will never fall for that “Oh, I won’t sell to you! I just want the practice!” line again.
How horrid.
It really was horrid, especially since I also got flimflammed by her super-confident assurances that it wouldn’t bother my skin (this is not a slam on Arbonne; most everything inflames my skin; I’ve learned to be verrrry conservative in changing products) and of course it did and of course I looked like I had a sunburn for the next 36 hours.
She’s the sister of a good friend, and circumstances had thrown us together in a way that I thought might lead to us being friends, but… um, no. Not after that.
Ugh, yeah, from what I’ve heard I do not think well of the company. She was trying to get me to come to her “launch” parties which were basically indoctrination parties. Apparently the main part of her (their?) pitch is “this is what friends do for friends.” And then some bullshit about natural detox nonsense.
Yeah, my acquaintance used a big chunk of soft manipulation and guilt to get me to say yes. I don’t know if that’s her personality or if it’s the company line, but either way, in retrospect it gives me the creeps – and doubly so because I swallowed it. (This was almost a decade ago; I don’t think I’d fall for it now. The key word there is “think,” though.)
Yeah, I feel bad saying no to people who have “let me sell you stuff” parties, but I really don’t want to buy any of their stuff. I can only be “busy that day” so many times… :-/
I have since used phrases like “I’m not your market” along with my “nope!”
Tupperware? Nope! I’m not your market anyhow, my friends and I aren’t going to buy Tupperware.
Arbonne? NOPE! I’m not your market anyhow; I won’t use it, I won’t buy it, and I don’t have friends who will.
At-home vibrator-and-dildo selling party*? YUP I MIGHT BE YOUR MARKET TELL ME MORE.
*To be perfectly fair: the only at-home sex-toy parties I ever hosted were long ago, with a friend of mine who owned her own sex-toy franchise, and who was really frank with me: “I probably don’t make enough from your parties to make it a paying proposition, but I don’t care because it’s always so much fun and the food is great.”
That’s a good line! That makes it sound like not bothering me is them making a smart business decision, not me being a crab.
Hey, nothing wrong with being a crab about this socially-enforced mechanism for high-pressure sales, or with being uncomfortable about traditional female socializing structures being exploited for monetary gain.
And there’s nothing wrong with just saying “NOPE NOT INTERESTED!” Sometimes, offering an excuse or a rationale makes the person think your refusal has now become a negotiation, and that’s both frustrating and not productive.
But if someone was looking for softening language, that’s one way to say it. “I’m not your market” or “I’m not interested in [brand item]” or “that’s not my thing, good luck!” can all close off the conversation pretty fast if they’re not actively trying to manipulate you.
Roxane Gay’s XOJane post about body image was pretty amazing, as I’m sure you guys know.
In other news, dudes bein’ gross! One of the owners of the bar my best friend and I are regulars at hit on my best friend via Facebook message in a super gross and explicit manner, which is extra unfortunate because a) I’m the one who’s attracted to him, although she briefly entertained the idea of taking him up on it (even though she constantly makes fun of me for being into him) b) I would have been totally horrified if he hit on me in that manner. Just clumsy and brutal interchangeable-vagina-type game. Then my friend was really insensitive about the way she handled telling me and I got really upset. We used our words like capable grown-ups and things are cool now, but I’m really angry with this dude for causing a stupid conflict between us and also suddenly revealing himself as pretty fucking terrible! Never mind endangering my relationship with my favourite bar. 🙁
I have to go there tomorrow for a birthday party and I am not looking forward to dealing with him.
Oh yeah, a work of art that wowed me was “Ducks” by Kate Beaton: http://beatonna.tumblr.com/post/81993262830/here-…
Those floored me when I read them too! I really love when she does autobio comics (as well as the hilarity of her history/literature comics, I love anything she does, really), but those were especially gorgeous/personal/heartbreaking. I really hope that she does do something further with them.
ugh that made me cry. I’m from BC and know a lot of wonderful people who work or have worked up there – it’s so complicated and so much more than just Evil Big Oil.
Grew up in Calgary, lived in Edmonton, lots of friends and friends-of-friends and family who have done their time on the rigs and in Fort Mac. Complicated, complicated place. Ducks was amazing – such a perfect illustration of the realities of life up there.
Yep, I’m in BC too and I work in and out of mining camps and that was just so perfect. I may have to send it around to my coworkers this afternoon.
YES DUCKS. That’s my answer, too.
I’m glad you posted this, as I was about to. Fantastic read.
It also made me want to eat a sleeve of saltines with cheez whiz.
I didn’t realize this was a series! I’ve only saw the first one.
Wow, I hadn’t seen that and it was beautiful, thanks for posting the link.
Ugh, you guys. I put an offer in on a house last week that had been a rental for at least a decade so it’s beat up but has good bones and is in my price range. The inspection was slightly horrifying. I’m still waiting to hear whether the seller will fix what I’ve asked him to fix. But just now, seriously just now, the house 2 doors down comes on the market. It’s super well maintained, a tiny bit smaller but still a good size, is about $9k lesss, and it has a 2 car attached garage whereas the house I wrote on has no garage at all. I have no idea what to do. I’m not sure if I should go see it and then break my contract. I hate house hunting. So much.
OK to break that contract. You are not yet obligated. I’ve been the seller and I’ve had many buyers back out at the last minute. Trust me, it’s something you can do.
On the other hand of RoseCamelia’s argument: there will always be a better house out there somewhere. Don’t settle for something you don’t like, but don’t beat yourself up for not going for something perfect. Also house hunting is a pain in the ass and let’s all move to a toast commune somewhere.
(Also maybe since it’s $9k less, maybe you can use that in negotiations for the one you’re looking at?)
Yesyesyesyes to the Toast Commune! And absolutely use that $9K in negotiations if you stick with the first house. Good points, SarcasticFringehead.
If/when I finally buy a house I will open it up as a Toast Commune. We can fit all of us into a quarter of an acre, right??
🙂 We’ll make it work.
I’m pretty sure that many toasters in that space would be enough power to bend space-time, so definitely let’s do that.
RoseCamelia and SarcasticFringehead are basically the argument I’ve been having in my head for the last hour. I’m already under contract so the time for negotiations has unfortunately passed. I think. Real estate is confusing. And emotional. PMS+real estate is really bad y’all.
In my very limited understanding, I thought that if the inspection brings up flaws, you are then free to “break” contract (or, rather, it renders the contract null/void, like the contract is conditional on an acceptable inspection). I am far from an expert on this.
If you are not excited/in love with the under-contract house, then maybe it’s worth following up with the newer listing, even if it means you end up with neither. But that would prolong house-hunting, which is the worst, so I can totally understand sticking with, as it were, the devil you know.
Break the contract. You have all the reason in the world to walk away based on the inspection.
I’m currently buying one house & selling another (apparently I accidentally became some sort of really bad real estate mogul). I don’t know your contract obviously, but at least in the US most are absolutely contingent upon inspection. I’ve had buyers flee in horror after the inspection (the houses aren’t bad, just old and first time home buys tend to be easy to scare, though I’m sure you’re not).
It’s okay. That’s what an inspection is for, to help you decide is you want to undertake this responsibility. You should be able to break the contract and get your earnest money back. Do you have a realtor? They could talk to the realtor for the other house about the home before you break the contract so you don’t burn any bridges. I would definitely at least go look. No harm in looking.
Someone advise me please! I’m going to Detroit on a business trip and I will have some afternoon/evening free time– where to go?? It’s a library conference and I need introvert-y things to recover from conference crowds, and this is my list so far
-public library
-modern art museum
-bookstores
??
The Motown Museum is really great if you have any interest in that era of music. It’s just the house/studios restored and made into a museum, but because it’s so small can get a bit crowded. The DIA is one of my favorite art museums, I love the Diego Rivera murals. I grew up about an hour and a half from Detroit so I took countless school trips to the DIA but never got sick of it. If the weather is nice enough the waterfront by the Renaissance Center is really pretty to walk by – the Riverfront I think the path is called. Have fun!
The DIA is a great start. You could easily spend a few hours in blissfull silence at King’s Used Books if you are a used books person. If the weather is good and you either have transportation or are willing to brave public transpo Belle Isle is lovely.
Seconding the DIA and Motown Museum. The DIA is right across the street from the main branch of the Detroit Public Library, as well as the Detroit Historical Museum (also fun), so that’s a great area to check out. For books, John King is the greatest – it’s in an old glove factory, and is four stories of used and rare books – they have over a million, and the staff is incredibly knowledgeable. (Elmore Leonard used to go there frequently when he was alive.) If you have time and enjoy architecture, the Fisher Building is beautiful. For outside stuff, Belle Isle, the Riverwalk, and Eastern Market are all great. If you do the Riverwalk and have a bit of time, you can wander along the Detroit river and admire Canada on the other side, head towards Hart Plaza, see the Fist and the Spirit of Detroit statues, and wander through Campus Martius (kind of a mini Times Square) and up Woodward Avenue. If you can check out a Tiger game (if that’s your thing), Comerica Park is a lot of fun, and there are tons of great bars and restaurants around it. Have fun and enjoy your trip!
Speaking of art, I need some advice from any Toastie graphic designers, visual/comic artists. I want to share my artwork on social media (inspired by Kate Beaton’s Tumblr page) but I am terrified of someone ripping it off and posting it under his/her name.
God, this sounds so frigging vain, like I’m producing masterpieces or something, but fuck…should I just use giant watermarks or adopt an attitude of “Whatevs, live & let live, my dude, spread the pleasure out into the universe”.
What are you looking to do? If it is get a job, I recommend a portfolio on creativehotlist, at least if you are in the NE. Otherwise, you have to think about how to get people to look at your stuff.
I think the greatest piece of art I saw this week was that Emma Watson – Sophia Vergara gif of horror. Which is fairly emblematic of the week.
what even IS THAT right!
I don’t understand I will never understand
SO TERRIFYING.
I didn’t even see the whole gif, just a still that looked like Emma Watson’s face melting, and is decided I didn’t need to subject myself to the actual thing.
I was all pumped to be off work yesterday and today because work last week was particularly dreadful… and then I did something to my back after work on Wednesday, so I’ve been hobbling around muttering profanities under my breath every time I move the wrong way ever since. I’m only 29, I’m too young to throw my back out just by sitting awkwardly!
Also, does anyone have a good place online to get sandals for ginormous feet that aren’t too expensive? My Birkenstocks finally died last summer and, while I’ve added a new pair to my list of clothing items I need to get (why did *all* my summer stuff just up and die last year?), I’m gonna need another pair of sandals to tide me over until I get together sufficient cash. And it’s like going so long without needing new sandals has rendered me unable to remember where I used to get them before.
I don’t know what the American equivalent is (if you are in fact in the States) but I got a pair of sandals at Shoe Company last summer which held up beautifully to a week of traipsing around Vegas and then the rest of my lower-key summer walking – they were by a brand called Earth Origins and they worked well!
Anyway, their website is http://www.theshoecompany.com if you want to check it out. I THINK they ship worldwide.
Birkenstocks will rehab your old sandals. Check their website.
Yeah, a friend of mine has a pair that she’s gotten fixed a couple of times because she wore through the sole, but the footbeds just completely split on mine and their website didn’t seem to indicate fixing that would be possible… so they got abandoned in a move. I had them for nearly 15 years, I think, so they more than earned their keep while I had them.
I think footprints.com sells Birkenstock overstock for cheapsies, and the lowest and highest sizes are the ones that get discounted most (it’s the 8.5M’s that run out first).
6pm.com?
What size do you wear? I also have ginormous feet, and most of my summer sandals are Clarks from 6pm.com. I like some Naturalizers, too, and I have a pair of those basic Bass flat sandals. Onitsuka TIger used to make really adorable, supportive canvas flats in big sizes, but they don’t seem to anymore. You might be able to find some on eBay, though. Naya also makes big sizes and are similar to Birkenstocks in design, but I don’t like most of their shoes and they’re expensive. Summer shoes are my enemy because it’s so much harder to find cute, supportive shoes that go with summer dresses than cold-weather shoes.
I wear a 12 really-awfully-wide. It is a complete and utter pain to find cute summer shoes, it’s true. I’m fine wearing men’s shoes a lot of the time, but during the summer, I usually just want some cute, strappy sandals that don’t hurt my feet and won’t disintegrate after two wearings. I don’t think that’s too much to ask, but shoe companies don’t seem to agree with me so much.
While I was drinking to dull my own back pain last weekend I reportedly kept moaning “I’m only 23!! I’m too young to throw my back out!!”
So I hear ya.
Well, publishing that piece on childlessness here, and the overwhelming and awesome-in-the-original-sense response I got, was kind of the creative thing that blew my mind this week, even tho, you know, I wrote it. Also I’ve got an enormous order of eyeshadow on the way, which is utterly bizarre because I’ve never been traditionally feminine like that. But guys, some of the eyeshadows have GLITTER!
Also, I’m puttin’ out a call for Toasties who wanna talk about both the novels we’re reading AND the rampant homoromanticism on Supernatural. Cause right now I’ve got Fandom Friends, and I’ve got Book Friends, and ne’er the twain shall meet. But seriously, I can’t be the only one with a crush on Dean Winchester as well as a crush on the book cover design for NYRB Classics.
Can’t help you re: Supernatural but will absolutely join you re: NYRB, and also the New Directions Pearls covers (except the terrible redesign for Antwerp). Also the dust jackets for the Modern Library editions out lately are AWFUL, like they expect you to throw them away or something. And has anyone else noticed that Ghana Must Go had a great cover in hardback but a weirdly chick-lit-ified one in paper?
(you have opened the floodgates)
OYYYY the chick-lit-ified paperback cover is such a thing, and I loathe it. (MInor rant/examples here: http://museathighwayspeeds.blogspot.com/2010/07/s…
I wonder if the paper for paperback covers doesn’t take bright ink well or something? Because they’re so often more muted than the hardcover, less…ugh I am not a graphic designer and do not have proper terms. But, like, blocky? More defined shapes? More negative space? Like that.
That was a great piece you wrote; thank you for it.
Seconded. (Actually probably thousanded, but you know.)
Thank you. I still don’t have words to express how awestruck I am by the response.
I could use some Book AND Fandom friends!
Hello!
Omg where were you two weeks ago on the open thread when I was losing my mind over season 7 of SPN (Dean KEEPING CASTIEL’S TRENCHCOAT IN HIS CAR FOREVER WHAT EVEN). I am here for books and Dean Winchester’s manly jaw clenching of angst basically forever.
*parks in this thread for the rest of the afternoon*
YES THE COAT aka “the last shred of plausible deniability in re Dean’s 100% heterosexuality.” “Oh hey, platonic buddy, here is your trademark article of clothing that I kept through multiple changes of vehicle over the past several months, and certainly never used as a pillow because it smelled like you, no sir.”
Currently a fic that takes place during that scene in the finale where they pick up the Impala, and stand there wanting to kiss each other and don’t because they’re a couple of idiots. FIXED IT.
As soon as he waded into the water to retrieve it I was like “YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE THAT HOME AND SLEEP WITH IT DON’T EVEN LIE.” How many cars do they even go through while they are on the run, they barely even have duffel bags, and yet THERE IS THE COAT and then Dean is SO SAD when Castiel doesn’t remember him and augh. I have a long and complicated headcanon regarding the progression of their relationship and I just want to yell about it all the time.
Does this fic exist, I need it immediately.
Ha, I left out a word. I’m still writing it, but it’ll probably be done this weekend? There’s half a novel’s worth of other Destiel stuff I wrote here: http://archiveofourown.org/users/Amelia_Clark/wor…
If only I were not hosting a dinner party tonight this would be my whole evening but instead I will have to sadly postpone my AO3 stalking. Do you have a tumblr? I need more SPN tumblr people and the Destiel tag terrifies me on every level.
I’m handsomefeelings on Tumblr, but on there rarely. Because yes, terrifying.
If I remember to follow you when I am home due to my “no tumblr at work” policy I am corialis over in those parts.
7.23 fic’s up: http://archiveofourown.org/works/1459324
AHHHH that moment where he gives him back the trenchcoat – so so good. Have you gotten to season 8 yet, because there are some pretty spectacular Destiel moments to be had there as well. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, no one does manpain as beautifully as Dean Winchester, King of the One Perfect Tear. Also I am always here for yelling about Dean and Cas and their barely sublimated love for each other.
I just started season 8, so far it seems to be Dean looking dirty and murdering things while yelling “WHERE IS THE ANGEL” which makes me all wobbly. (And Sam going on about a dog, ugh, Sam, I want to like you and your increasingly floppy Fabio hair but you make it hard.) I like to think that this is going to be the season where they move past all of their s6 issues and admit all of their thinly veiled gay feelings while hiding from all the Purgatory monsters and then maybe tear each other’s clothes off in a thicket or something while looking all artfully begrimed.
Also, there are definitely about 100 fics with that premise, so.
Do you have recs and can I have them because AO3’s “sort by kudos/hits/bookmarks” features have been severely letting me down, if I read one more AU full of bawling Dean I’m going to lose my mind.
Purgatory fics, or general? I tend to bookmark my favorites, so I guess those would be my recs.
S8 is THE Destiel season for sure. The one where you start to think “Oh, they might actually be non-cowardly enough to actually go there.”
SUCH IS MY DREAM. I mean, ten seasons, that’s a really long run, do something to make it interesting, right? Or not because it’s network TV, sigh.
I’m honestly optimistic. At this point, they either have to make it canon or go down as the worst case of queerbaiting in TV history. Tumblr would CATCH FIRE.
Everyone loves Dean! It’s only my love for him and the very thinly veiled homeroticism that has me still watching (even though I attest it should have ended after 5). I’ve never forgiven them killing off Bobby, but I’ve watched from day 1 and I think I need to see things through to the end.
Yeah, I *get* killing Bobby from a Joseph Campbell hero’s journey Father Figure Must Die POV, but ughhhhh saddest.
I just moved to a new place last week for the 4th time in two years! But my new housemates had Craft Night on Thursday so clearly this is a good choice. Also I decided to pick up “Gut Symmetries” again this week. Oh Jeannette Winterson! You are my favorite!
I quit my terrible anxiety-inducing job! And am going to Southeast Asia for three months! I am basically the “I have no idea what I’m doing” dog personified!
Does anyone have any recommendations for long, engrossing and completed SFF series that are engaging but do not require too much brainpower for me to load up on my Kindle? (ASoIaF has burned me so badly that I refuse to read incomplete series.) Or just solo books if one is burning a hole in your brain.
CONGRATS! Anxiety-inducing jobs are worthless.
Best wishes and good for you! That’s amazing!
Have you read the Mistborn series by Brandon Sanderson? It’s engaging and complete.
Umm…I hesitate to recommend it because it starts good, gets awful, and then improves and I got rid of my copies to stop myself from ever doing a reread… But Wheel of Time is all of those things.
I was about to say WOT too, but you have to have some real patience to get through 7, 8, 9, and 10 and then it becomes worth it again! (The last book, I think, was actually my favourite).
When I get tempted into a reread (I’m a big rereader), I actually just read Leigh’s chapter-by-chapter posts from HER reread on Tor.com for 7, 8, 9 and 10.
I’m a big rereader too, I did WOT pretty much every time a new book came out for the last 5 books. But after the last one I decided I’m done. It stopped being fun.
I have heard good things but my fear of commitment is interfering with my picking up something that long. Also because everyone who speaks of it does so with bitterness and betrayal.
Robin Hobb has a bunch of amazing fantasy trilogies (and one quadrology) that all intermingle and she’s starting a new one, but each trilogy stands alone so it’s not like you’re going to be disappointed by slow-moving stuff.
Lois McMaster Bujold’s Vorkosigan Saga is probably another one worth checking out? I haven’t read them all yet but they’re very entertaining and again, a lot of them are in internal arcs so you’re never going to hit a point where you’re hanging off a cliff with them.
I’d also recommend Jennifer Roberson’s Chronicles of the Cheysuli but sadly it’s not on Kindle… I still recommend them, though, the ultimate in fluffy epic fantasy.
I was about to say Robin Hobb too! My favourites are the Farseer and Liveship Traders trilogies, but the Farseer one might not be a good fit if you’re looking for a comfort read.
YESS Robin Hobb. Read Assassin’s Apprentice and then just keep going. The last book of the third trilogy is one of the best things I’ve ever read but it take the 8 previous books to get you there.
Jacqueline Carey wrote a couple very excellent back to back trilogies if you like lots of sex and intrigue in your fantasy.
Robin Hobb is definitely a contender, though people seem to rend their garments over one of the trilogies a bit? Something about a Fool?
I am not a fan of series, but if you like stuff more on the science-y side of things, Kim Stanley Robinson’s Red Mars trilogy is AMAZING. G. Willow WIlson’s Alif the Unseen was absolutely the best new release that I read last year.
I bought Alif the Unseen at a book sample sale! Sadly my copy is hardcover and not travel-friendly.
I just listened to The Magicians and The Magician King on audio. The third (and last?) book is coming out in August, so it’s not finished but it’s also low risk.
I kind of recommend them, but I found both books to have some misogyny . . . which I’m dying to discuss with anyone who has read them??
I’ve actually read The Magicians. It was the book that made me swear off of books with male narrators (though probably didn’t help that I read it right after Gone Girl). Quentin is just such a *shit*.
Quentin is such a spoiled and entitled little prick!! And — have you read the second one? A substantial portion of the second book actually follows an interesting female character, but then [kind of spoiler?] something terrible and cliched and lazy (writing-wise) happens and then other horrible and misogynistic things happen to her and then it ends.
Haven’t read the second one because a friend whose opinions I trust implicitly about books was like “just don’t you will be so angry.” So I didn’t. I cannot spend another entire book wanting to punch the narrator in his stupid face. If you were to tell me it is about Julia (I think that’s her name?) I might be tempted but if it’s horrible and misogynistic then nope.
Lois McMaster Bujold’s Vorkosigan Saga! Tons of fun, though you should be warned that the author subscribes to the “What’s the worst thing I can do to this character? Okay, go!” school of thought. I’d recommend starting with either Cordelia’s Honor or Young Miles.
Thats so great! Where in SE Asia? I love travel plans I’ll listen.
NOTE: A friend of mines sister went to teach english in Thailand and would spend her wkds visiting temple islands, volunteering at an orphanage and lounging on the beach w her foreign bf. Her fam was 90% sure she would never come home.
Starting in Thailand, and then hopefully Vietnam, Cambodia, and maaaybe Indonesia or Singapore depending on timing and budget constraints (flight is round-trip out of Bangkok but I might try switching it to return from Singapore). I’ve heard Indonesia is beautiful but a) I am trying to minimize flying because it’s way more expensive than overland travel and b) sort of far out of the way. Also my very paranoid father is like “don’t go there you will get kidnapped and die” but I think he feels that way about anywhere that’s not 90% white people.
Sadly it was significantly cheaper to buy a round-trip ticket than two one-ways so I probably have to come back, but I’m not the one on the trip who has to go to grad school afterward so I might just keep going…
Kate Griffin’s urban sorcery series (there’s 4 Matthew Swift books and two Sharon Li) set in London is so much fun and completely engrossing – I’ve only ever spent one day in London but just reading them makes me want to go spend like, a year wandering around the city on foot.
Julie E. Czerneda has written some great SF trilogies. I really like the one that starts with Beholder’s Eye and the one that starts with A Thousand Words for Stranger.
Highly highly highly recommend Elizabeth Moon. In SF: Her recent Vatta’s War series is complete in 5 books, and super entertaining. Her older books about Heris Serrano are also great, and available in a bundle for Kindle (just called Heris Serrano).
Her in-between books about Esmay Suiza, set in the same universe as the Serrano books, are… problematic. I love the first one, am fine with the last two, but the other — Rules of Engagement — is just really, really questionable and full of triggers.
On the fantasy side, she also has the Deed of Paksennarion, which was complete but now she’s adding to.
Or maybe Sherwood Smith’s Inda series? And Anne McCaffrey’s Dragonriders of Pern books are still my nostalgic go-tos.
So have a subordinate now who I have to train. What a thing! I’ve never had this before.
I feel like I spend a lot of time giving her long-winded speeches on how to do things, but the way I do things is obviously the best way and she is completely new to this so why shouldn’t she learn the best way?
This is how I do it. Master that, then we can discuss how you might tweak to suit you.
Short sentences. Lots of pauses to allow her to think/process. Asking questions (yes/no questions are not questions) is the best training technique: “How many steps was that?” “Which part of that seems the hardest?” What part seems the most important?”
That is helpful! This is new to me, I welcome tips!
If you can, give them time to run through whatever it is completely on their own. Like “This is how I do it. I’ll give you x time to familiarize yourself with it and then I’ll be back to answer questions.” It gives the trainee a little time to breathe and make mistakes on their own.
Good tips. Also, when training someone, I usually mention at intervals “I know this is a lot to take in, so we’ll go over it again later,” or “This is an overview, and I’m sure you’ll have questions or want to go over [complicated process] more than once.” Knowing that you aren’t expected to retain every detailed instruction on the first pass can make it easier to calm down and absorb what you’re being told.
I think one important part is making sure she understands that you are open to questions (you have to actually be open to questions though, and not seem annoyed if she asks them). Sometimes that learning curve at the beginning of a new job can be so steep, and it’s almost impossible to capture all of the info perfectly the first time around. Feeling like you can ask questions without fear of seeming stupid is a huge relief. My current supervisor was really excellent about that when I started, asking things like “I know that was a lot to take in, is there anything you want me to repeat?” and even just acknowledging that it was a steep learning curve, helped a lot.
Yes, this, 100%.
Oh I just remembered one other thing my boss did (still does, actually). He’d give advance warning of what I’d learn next and give me time to think about it. He’s very detail-oriented so some actual things he said to me during my first week included “We put a lot of thought into our emails. Do you have a particular signoff phrase you like? (sincerely, warmly, etc) What do you want your emails to convey about the kind of person you are? Why don’t you start thinking about it, and next week we’ll figure out what words to use to accomplish that.” (my boss also happens to be a psychologist so this seems silly written out, but it makes a little more sense in context)
Anyway, if it’s possible in your work environment, giving the trainee a preview of what’s coming next and giving her some time on her own to think through it can be useful, instead of having to think about it on the spot for the first time.
I’ve trained a couple of people (I’m still amazed that my boss thinks I should be the go-to person to train new employees, since I’m also prone to long-windedness, but I digress). I find that explaining the “why” of the best way is often as important as the “what” or the “how”. Instead of just giving a laundry list of steps, explaining the reason why I do A instead of B or X before I do Y has, I think, helped situate things a bit better for new people. (This may seem like an obvious thing, but my own training was so haphazard that I often had to figure those things out for myself.)
Another thing I started doing for my most recent trainee is to occasionally just stop by her desk and ask how things are going. Sometimes she’ll have one or two things in mind that she didn’t think were important enough to ask me about by themselves, but if I’m at her desk, it’s easy for her to just bring them up so I can help her deal with them.
I just got trained by someone who had been doing the job forever, and the things that were the most helpful for me were a daily/weekly/monthly to-do list she wrote up (very basic, but good for jogging my memory — I can do the things fine but I don’t always remember that I need to do them at first) and to actually do the stuff while she watched me, which was very tedious for both of us, but it really, really helped to actually do it myself. While she was there, for quick consultation/guidance. And, as someone else said, it’s really important to have the feeling that you’re not being annoying by asking a million small questions. So, patience in answering repetitive questions (within reason!).
Also, don’t over-share everything about your life. The lady training me did that CONSTANTLY and it was boring, uncomfortable, and inappropriate. You’ll be great! Just be patient. Oh — and suggest your subordinate take notes in their own words/handwriting, too, it helps a lot to write stuff down in a way that you’ll understand yourself.
This is why I like training people. At my last job I had been there long enough that everyone was doing things my way bwahahaha.
I was once trained by someone who responded to many of my questions with, “Good question,” before answering thoughtfully. It made me feel SO validated/smart and I make sure to say that whenever I train people now. I also like letting people “take the reins” or try out the job skill themselves slightly earlier than they think they’re ready for. I’m still there for backup and to talk them through it/talk it over with them afterward, but it gives them the experience AND the knowledge that their trainer thinks they are capable. Which is important when you’re new!
Worst thing that happened this week: trying to talk to the woman who’s my mentor at work on Tuesday about the changes I’d like to make in my job in particular and in my career generally, and having her basically yell at me for not talking to her sooner and being too sensitive and not grateful enough for the opportunities I’ve been given. She wasn’t wrong about everything and I definitely could’ve handled the whole situation better, but I lost a lot of trust in her and won’t be talking to her again about it (even though we’re okay right now basically because I just agreed with her so we’d stop arguing – and by arguing I mean her yelling at me while I tried unsuccessfully to get her to listen). Have been feeling demoralized/completely unmotivated at work since, and am now that much more decided to seek employment elsewhere. Blegh.
Best Thing that Happened This Week: For reasons too long and boring to explain, I had to look through a whooollle bunch of pictures taken by the guy I have a crush on on a trip for my company, and there were some ridiculously adorable/dorky photos of him that I got to have a few quiet giggle fits over. Including him looking at the camera mid-bite through a strawberry (no idea why one of the dudes on the project – they’re all middle-aged dudes other than him – took that pic…) and a couple of him wearing this straw cowboy hat and posing like a catalogue model (what makes it even better is I’m pretty sure he wasn’t trying to pose like a catalogue model, he just poses that way I guess). UGH crushes are the best/worst.
I feel like maybe yelling at people for being too sensitive is not the way to address that problem? People who are non-confrontational by nature are not going to respond to that well, probably. I mean, I’m not a mentor, though, so what do I know.
No, you’re absolutely right. I’m very non-confrontational and when people get loud and angry at me I tend to freeze up and shrink into myself, so it definitely did not work for me, especially because I wasn’t at all expecting her to get mad. I wasn’t even criticizing anything she did; I was talking more about how our boss treats me, and she was just so dismissive – you can’t be so sensitive, have to have a thicker skin, you know what he’s like, etc. I know sometimes I need to have perspective about things and just let certain incidents roll off me, but god, that was not the way to do it. Not so sure I’ll be thinking of her as a mentor anymore.
I am a person who sometimes gets mad and yell-y when I am having any kind of feeling and I would be willing to bet that she was just feeling… stuff… and wanting to protect you and it came out wrong. Not that that is an EXCUSE, but maybe just another way to interpret the yelling…
That was part of it, but she was definitely also just angry. And honestly, yelling I could deal with and forgive, if it weren’t also for the fact that she just wouldn’t listen at all or even consider things from any perspective other than her own, and in particular refused to listen to me because I’m young and inexperienced. I get being frustrated/full of feelings and yelling, for sure, but I have a hard time respecting someone who will not even entertain the possibility that they might be wrong or there might be another way to look at a situation.
Jesus. Sounds like you work for a female Don Draper.
Well, luckily she’s not my boss, and she’s usually pretty great to work with, actually. But when she gets angry she won’t listen and just steamrolls over people, and I really wasn’t expecting that reaction. Just an all around unpleasant situation, but I’m glad to have this space and a sympathetic, thoughtful commentariat to come vent to about it.
I don’t know if this counts as art that’s wowed me this week, except I heard someone singing a Handel aria in the subway yesterday (just very briefly, as the train I was on stopped at the station where the singer was), and that made me happy.
Also, two friends and I are going to a workshop on fabric dyeing this weekend, and we’re all very excited about that and we’ve been talking about applying our new skills to dyeing some yarn — so there’ll be the potential for making beautiful things in the near future.
Oh, wow. You made me smile. Toasties make me smile. I don’t do that very often. Thanks, everyone. Especially you, Household_Opera. I just imagined Handel on the subway and fun with fabric. You’re better than Prozac.
Aw, gosh. Thank you! It made me smile when I heard it, so I’m glad I could pass it on!
There was a homeless guy in a BART station last Friday night belting out something from Rigoletto, I think? It was pretty fantastic, if a little surreal.
Does anyone have any tips on how to keep my eyeliner from marking the creases of my eyelids. My liner game will be so strong in the morning but ten minutes later it has transferred a line to my eye creases. It drives me crazy.
People seem to like Urban Decay’s eye primer potion stuff? I personally don’t use it but I had a roommate who wore eyeliner and eyeshadow and she put this stuff on first every time without fail.
Yes, I really like that stuff! The price can be a little off-putting, but a little of it goes a loooooooong way.
Seconding this! It’s not cheap, but you only use a teensy bit at a time, so it lasts forever.
I was allergic/sensitive to every primer I tried for a while. Until my skin settled down and I found a primer I could tolerate, I used powder. The same dusting powder I use all over my face after applying foundation. Brush that on my eyelids and eye makeup stays put a little longer. Not all day, but 4 hours anyway. Good luck.
I finally bit the bullet and bought like $23 waterproof eyeliner from Sephora that stays put. Definitely worth it for me!
Dittoing this–I bought the Make Up Forever Aqua-Eyes primer and it’s a revelation. Stays put and is so much easier to put on! Would recommend.
edit: this is a pencil-type eyeliner, not liquid!
Echoing the shadow primer recommendation. I use Too Faced Shadow Insurance because it’s a little cheaper than some of the others and I feel like I can get more out of the packaging, which is a toothpaste-style tube instead of a pump. So I can squeeze out every. last. smidgen.
Jane Marie know the answers:
(Q2): http://thehairpin.com/2013/01/beauty-qa-miss-fanc… OR http://vimeo.com/32063586
Eyeko’s liquid eyeliner pen is magic. Even before I started using primer, this stuff would stay forever and not transfer anywhere.
Honestly my makeup game is not all that, but I have oily skin and use liquid eyeliner a fair amount, and all I ever use as a “primer” is a thin layer of eyeshadow that matches my skin tone (or close to it)…. starting right above where I’m going to line, and up a little past my crease. Sometimes to my brow but not really necessary. I get, like, Wet & Wild from the drugstore and it costs $2 and it’s fine.
Ugghh dating stuff, ugghh. I just gently let down a sweet guy I didn’t feel a connection with after two dates, but I can’t help from feeling so bad about it. I’m supposed to see another dude for a third date tomorrow, but he’s being dodgy and annoying. I feel immature and whiny for saying this, but I kind of feel like the fun, meeting-new-people part of dating is already over for me and why am I so exhausted by it? Is casual dating just not for me?
At least it’s gorgeous out and I’m having some me-time tonight with baked goat cheese and a dark mystery show. (Fellow The Returned–lovers say hey, and which should I watch next — Broadchurch or The Fall?? I’ve already seen Top of the Lake, never fear. 🙂
Yeah, the feelings are rough. But the decisions are really quite simple, otherwise. (Yeah, big otherwise.) Wanna see this guy again? Make a date. Don’t wanna see him? No more dates for him.
Yeah. Except sometimes I don’t *know* if I want to see him again. Or wait, if I’m so unsure, does that basically mean I *shouldn’t* see him again? haha….
During planning my wedding, our motto was, “Unsure? Don’t Care? That’s not a thing we need” and I feel that applies to dating as well.
That’s hard. I had to let down someone I went on 2 dates with earlier this week. It sucks. I am on your page.
Sometimes when I am burnt out, I just stop for a couple of weeks and get back into it when I have more energy for subterfuge.
I think that’s what I’m going to do. Whatever happens with this dude, I’m resting after that and enjoying outings and girl time and sunshine.
Dating! It’s hard! I have been seeing a guy for almost 6 weeks. I like him (obvi) but he seems waayyyy more serious about me, and it’s making me feel guilty/anxious :/
The Fall! Stella Gibson would have some on-point dating advice, yo. Of course, it would mostly be “bang ’em don’t worry about their feelings” in a cut-glass take-no-prisoners accent, but still.
I actually think that’s the exact kind of thing I need to hear right now. Haha! The Fall it is. (Helped along by the fact that it’s streaming and Broadchurch isn’t 🙂
OH MY FUCKING GOD “THE RETURNED.” It blew my mind. It rocked my world. I loved it and I’m in love with it and I’m awkwardly recommending it to everyone I talk to in a way that makes it sounds super dumb. THE RETURNED. I just want to go back in time and watch it for the first time again.
(I vote for Broadchurch!)
Yessss! I read somewhere that everyone who watches The Returned turns into a fervent ambassador for the show, and it’s so true. I can’t believe season 2 isn’t until 2015! I have so many questions!!!!
I’m excited for Broadchurch! I just have to figure out how to find it online. I love Olivia Colman…
I think it was on Hulu (Hulu standard; I am not A Fancy Lady) for a while…happy hunting!
Also — THIS has some great ideas, I want to watch them alllll this spring! I’m in such a dark and dreamy mood now, thanks to Les Revenants.
Yessss, all the creepy mystery series all the time!
BROADCHURCH!
Got nothing to say about dating, though, as I am also super not enjoying it right now. Misandry forever, basically.
Yup, I’m with you there.
Hey Y’all! Do you remember Shouty Wisdom and Snoop Lion’s wonderful, fulfilling relationship with Harry Styles? Because myself and the other half of the Shouty Wisdom franchise, Teagan, got ourselves a tumblr and a twitter, and if you do either of those things you should totally be friends with us because in cyberspace, NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SHOUT. Unless they’re following you or something.
WOO!
shoutywisdom.tumblr.com
and also tweet at us at @shoutywisdom
Yay!
YAAAAASSSS. I print out a monthly calendar and personalize it with birthday and ~inspirational quotes~ … a large chunk of Snoop <3 Harry was the headliner for January 2014. It was EVERYTHING.
Ah! That makes me the happiest alive! YOU are everything!
Teenage dirtbag spotting, Canadian edition: long curly hair, enormous basketball shorts, music blasting from phone speakers, leg tattoo, backwards Leafs cap. Put unlit cigarette between his lips and sprinted across the intersection as soon as the light turned yellow.
That guy. I had such a crush on him in tenth grade.
Did he have to hike up his shorts as he was running across the road?
HE DID.
WHAT A WORLD
Grownup dirtbag spotting, Boston edition: short gelled hair, skinny jeans, Vans and a black t-shirt with a skull and OBEY in giant letters. sauntering down Land Blvd and finger gunning all the drivers. All this to say, I definitely prefer your teenage dirtbag.
Was this at the Bloor/Christie intersection at approximately 5:30? Because that guy. I saw him.
Has anyone successfully propagated their succulent plants? My two plants are both getting leggy/waking up now that it is spring, and apparently this is the time to do it.
The internet advises me that I should pull off the lower leaves of my plants, cleanly slice through the stem a couple inches below the tight cluster at the top, and then after l let the ends of everything dry for a few days, I can set them on/in some soil and they will magically sprout roots &/or baby succulents.
I would like to think that this could work (free new succulents! happier existing succulents!) but I am terrified that I am going to kill my plants instead. Success stories? Tips?
I have no tips or stories but I do have a jade plant that needs to be happier so I’m all ears.
That is in fact how it works.
That’s exactly how it works. Go forth and multiply
Really??? I had no idea that was what was supposed to happen, and now I am going to go do it to about 15 succulents. Thank you, knowledgeable Plant People (and internet)!
I have also skipped the dry them out step and just planted the cut end in soil and they have propogated! Succulents are the laid back barrista of the garden.
Thanks for the reassurance!
The process sounds really cool, but I was like “Ok, there are three possibilities here: 1) Do nothing, have two semi-gawky plants; 2) Go through this process, and have lots of live plants with a little effort and practically no cost to me; or 3) Go through this process, and have many dead cut-up plant pieces and no live plants in the end.” (And I was happy that I got my succulents to live through the winter! So to lose them now…)
I’m going to do it!
This is the blog post (with photos!) I was studying before making my decision (if anyone else wants to reference it too): http://needlesandleaves.net/blog/2013/5/31/propag…
My secret to getting succulents to live through winter is to only water them about once every 6-8 weeks from roughly mid-November until spring. Whenever spring is (aka June in the Pacific Northwest, or February in Texas…). Mine made it through three years in the Pacific Northwest that way (although they definitely prefer it down south).
I need to be better about my watering/ fertilizing schedule now that I live someplace with actual sun…
Propagating sounds like great fun, although we just acquired seven new plants from our local cactus and succulent show, so we probably don’t need MORE succulents at the moment…
Art I have been wowed by this week: http://24hoursofhappy.com/.
I’m still holding a grudge against Pharrell for Blurred Lines, but I find this song so uplifting, and the more-or-less ordinary people shamelessly dancing in public never ceases to bring a smile to my face. My favorite so far is a woman with an umbrella in a motorized wheelchair – she just looks so giddy as she bounces and grooves!
The Art: The small framed print of “Christina’s World” that nobody bought at my yard sale. I decided to take it with me rather than give it away. And the question: Anyone fluent in Linux/Ubuntu, please tell me the least painful way to sacrifice my open source tech virginity. I don’t want to upgrade to Windows 7/8 when my laptop croaks.
This is kind of obvious, but as someone who taught herself all this business 10+ years ago (?!), this is the most important thing: whenever you are googling something about Linux or Ubuntu, hit the search tools and change “any time” to “past year”. Stuff changes often enough that you should look first at the most recent results and only drop that restriction if you can’t find anything relevant. (The older results will sometimes still work, but in most cases, there’s a more reasonable way to handle it nowadays. For example, if you google “linux burn cd” you get this article as the top result, which you could mostly still do but why would you?)
I think nowadays the biggest problem you’d be likely to run into would be a hardware incompatibility (and those can be a pain and a half to handle if that does happen) but you can do a quick google with your laptop model to see if that’s likely to be an issue.
Not obvious at all if you’re me–I just want to write stuff and send it out and occasionally read stuff, so getting into the guts of the machine is very uphill and not intuitive for me. BIOS? Specs? Blah blah blah Ginger. So thank you, this is very helpful, and I’ll buy my next machine with compatibility in mind.
Hairs! Guys, tell me about the care and keeping of bangs. After my wedding in two weeks (!!) I am thinking of cutting my hair shorter and cutting BANGS. The only time I have ever had bangs was when my mom cut them for me at age 2 and they turned into little ringlets stuck to my forehead. I have thick, wavy/curly hair and a natural center part.
I’m thinking I’ll go to a Really Good Stylist, tell her I want a side part with long sideswept bangs, and let her work magic on me. How do you keep bangs nice? Don’t they get greasy? Do they give you zits? How often must you trim them? HOW DO THEY WORK?
My wisdom: some days bangs behave and some days they don’t. They may get greasy and may give you zits, depending. If you’re getting long bangs, you may not need to trim them very often. I had at-my-eyebrows bangs and I probably trimmed them every 4 weeks.
I would advise waiting until fall to get bangs for the first time (if you live in the Northern Hemisphere anyway) because summer fringe sweat/grease is really annoying, in my personal experience.
Dry shampoo is good for fringe, and sometimes I would do what I call a “bang wash” where I’d wash only my bangs with a dab of shampoo and some water, then blow them out with a round brush. Bangs look nice blown out but beware accidentally burning your hair.
Make sure you bring a picture because there are wildly different concepts of what sideswept bangs should look like out there. Good luck!
Seconding the dry shampoo rec! Stay away from Suave because it’s useless but most other sprays I’ve used are fine.
Definitely go to a good stylist. It turned out that I had an annoying cowlick that isn’t visible most of the time, but if I tried to do side bangs and part my hair where it normally parts, it shows up and looks dumb. She had me part about an inch more to the left and it worked fine. I am a grease machine, but my bangs were usually fine for abour 18-24 hours before I’d need to wash or use some dry shampoo on them. And they never seemed to give me zits, luckily!
DAD update from last week: my dad is officially off on his own, business-wise, and it’s been an excellent first week! He’s already got projects and is developing his own shorthand for reasons unknown (“MCI! (Money coming in!)”). Thanks all for the good thoughts and good stories from last week!
Any other DAD news?
My own dad is 12 workdays away from RETIREMENT! How weird is that? He is VERY psyched and a little weirded out himself!
Good luck to your dad. Sounds like he has plenty of luck, though, what with MCI!
My dad just called me in a panic because Google Maps asked him to sign into Google.
My Dad became a full-fledged Buddhist recently, and the Buddhist name the monks gave him is perfect in the best and worst way. It basically translates to a personality characteristic my mom has been saying he had for decades and these monks go ahead and call them that after maybe a year or so? and it kills. me. He’s taking it good naturedly, but I’m sure he’d rather have some version of “Stoic Strong Man” or something equally as testosterone fueled.
Oh my goodness my dad does that too, makes up his own acronyms for things that are usually never ever acronym-ified.
He works BY HIMSELF. WHO ARE THESE ACRONYMS EVEN FOR?
For his own amusement! Let your poor dad have his Loner Acronym Fun.
We all need a LAF.
I dated a guy who did that! It was curiously endearing, probably because my dad never did it so it was a relatively new thing for me.
I’m having dinner with my dad tonight! Yesterday he emailed me a photo of dogs standing in line to pee on a tree! Life is great!
That is such a dad thing and I love it. Have fun at dinner!
MCI. Oh my god, I just died.
My dad sent me a TED talk the week before. My dad joined Twitter and is following me. What is even my life?
My dad can’t even handle facebook, I cannot even begin to imagine him on Twitter.
Apparently my dad told my mom this week that he thinks I’m a “winner” and Mom thinks I am the person he trusts the most in the whole world right now (‘rents are oddly functionally divorced, so this is not so nuts). Given the sturm und drang between Dad and me from 1990 through approximately 2011, this is a somewhat unimaginable state of affairs. And yet. #winner
I wrote to someone cold a couple months ago with my resume and did not ever expect to hear back, because I have only ever gotten a job once just by finding a company I would like to work for and writing a letter to a stranger offering my services. But yesterday she wrote back! And APOLOGIZED for taking so long, as if she actually owed me a reply, and said all manner of nice things to me and invited me to an evening event at her business in May so we could meet and talk. She is not offering me a job or anything but this is more niceness and courtesy than I ever expected or, frankly, deserve.
Nice! I got my current contract by cold-emailing, but I didn’t even initially write to the guy who hired me–I wrote to a woman whose work looked right up my field, and she was super sweet about meeting up with me even though she didn’t have any work available at the moment for general mentorship talk about the field, and then she was the one who connected me with my current boss when she heard he had work available!
You 100% deserve that kindness! I sent a letter to an editor once, referred by another editor, and she lost it for ages and was so sorry that instead of me writing for her magazine for free she hired me to edit a manuscript. I would never have said she “owed” me that, but the number of times I’ve been flaked on, reminded people about things, and been flaked on again after being promised some follow-through is just staggering, so you take that courtesy and run with it. Run like the wind!
I am fully moved into my house and want to put in a vegetable garden. I am a bit confused- half the stuff I look at says that seeds shouldn’t even be planted in climate 6b for another two months but then the real serious gardening books say like I should have been growing baby tomato plants indoors already? I guess this will be a trial run for next summer.
My dad left behind a treadmill that no one ever really used and we set up the XBox 360 and a tv in the basement so that I can walk and play games at the same time. This morning I got up early and walked while watching some Let’s Plays – soon I will have to attempt to actually play games without falling off the thing.
Is anyone else playing Titanfall? So much fun!
I don’t understand gardening at all, so my general approach would probably be “put it in the ground under some dirt, put some water on it, hope.” Best of luck!
Hmmn, my parents are pretty intense about their vegetable garden. From what I remember, you don’t want to put anything outside until after a certain date/ when things probably won’t freeze, but if you have a short growing season you can start stuff inside. We’d plant delicate stuff (tomatoes and peppers, maaaybe snap peas?) in tiny peat cups and put it by a window inside and then put them in the ground when it got warm enough.
OR you could just buy live plants from a gardening center, plant them outside when it gets warm, and skip that process.
Exactly. As a new gardener you should skip the seeds for a lot of stuff and just grab baby plants from your friendly neighborhood gardening center. There are some veggies that grow quickly enough that you can sow the seeds directly outside after the last frost but I’m not sure what those would be in your zone. Probably radishes, carrots, beans?
All gardening is a trial run for next summer. Next summer will be great, or so we tell our selves.
words of wisdom.
How are there already over 300 comments? WOW.
The 221B Con I went to last weekend was awesome and I’m still exhausted and suffering from Atlanta allergens that I didn’t even know existed. I’m from the Midwest, you guys. I had no idea there were so many pine trees in Georgia, much less anticipate that they’d be spoo-ing pollen all over the place.
Oh my GOD the one and only time I went to Atlanta it was in April and I got off the plane and IMMEDIATELY my sinuses said “fuck this noise”. I had never had environmental allergies before, I grew up in a pine/fir/redwood forest! But yes, I am allergic to Georgia as well and it is the worst.
It’s too bad, because otherwise, I liked Atlanta a lot. The people there were all super nice, and the public transit was quick and easy. But those pine trees. SWEET JESUS NO.
I’m in Atlanta, and my car is yellow, and has been yellow (with the exception of a few hours after it poured) for weeks now. Some apartment complexes actually have carwash facilities, but not mine, and since I’m not hugely allergic, my laziness is winning.
(Atlantans wash their cars so much! It’s still confusing to me.)
guys. exams. are. killing. me.
5 in the next two weeks! How!!
Any study tips/tips on how to make a study schedule (and stick with it)?
In undergrad I would make a really detailed calendar during the 10 days leading up to finals (like hour by hour basically) writing what I wanted to get done plus my work schedule. For example, 8-9 am: do flashcards for x class; 9-10 am get at least 5 pages done on final paper for y class; 10am-10:30am take a walk; 10:30 am-11:30 am review chapters 10-15 for z class; 11:30-12 lunch; 12-4 go to work; etc. Breaking things down into manageable chunks and then crossing things out felt really good! I also found that the act of writing everything that I had to do down helped get me motivated to start.
Also, going to a location that’s different from where you normally do homework/study can help. Bring a squid/multi-plug with you to the library if you’re going there with your laptop because it’s always crowded during finals time. If your schedule allows for it, try to get there early so you can grab a big table to sprawl out with all your things. Text a friend or two to join you at your giant table if possible so you can have a look-out to watch your stuff as you go to the bathroom a billion times because you’re drinking too much coffee.
Good luck! Remember to take breaks when you need to, and it will all be over soon!
The most successful thing I did in undergrad was to make a pretty damn detailed schedule (with breaks, etc. built in) for both reading and exam weeks, like, down to the hour… then write everything down on brightly colored post-it notes and stick it to my wall. It kept me pretty focused to see “break coming up” or “only 2 more study sessions for this class until the actual exam” – PLUS it was super satisfying to rip accomplishments off the wall instead of just crossing them out.
Also, planning everything out in advance while snacking on my bed was a good way to get my mind in the right place. Man, I miss undergrad days sometimes.
In addition to the awesome schedule advice above, if you have difficulty focusing at home, go to the library and DO NOT go home. until you are done for the day. Then, go home, & allow yourself to relax a tiny bit and sleep.
The work of art I love this week: the pink magnolia, saucer peach, and cherry trees are in bloom and Spring is HERE at last.
Our magnolia tree (one of the main draws for me to buy this house, no joke) has started blooming and it is GLORIOUS. It makes me so very happy!
DC Toasties! Bf and I are looking for an apartment! Leads? Send me your leads! We’re looking in Dupont/Logan Circle / U St!
padmapper.com is the best! So many search options AND a map. I am also looking for a place in DC and it’s the worst. Why do you want ALL of my money???
whoa this site is intense and i love it because I am apt hunting INTENSELY
note: it seems like these people want to rent to people moving in w/in 10 days, but im POSITIVE that 10 days prior to the move everyone i contacted would be like “Oh it will probably take at least 6 wks for everything to go through” #WTFproperty #getitTogether
Isn’t it amazing? I have accidentally spent WAY too long perusing it. Some of the ads are super crazy (including realistic move-in dates), but some of them are pretty reasonable and well-written. But, yeah, I will not have any money left. *DEEP SIGH* Good luck!
Oh this is MARVELOUS thank you! And yes, they want all your money. Just, all of it.
& Breakfast sandwiches– aren’t they just Gods greatest creation? I had one this morning made w Hawaiian bread and Portuguese sausage and ahhhh….
YES they are true and good and perfect.
Ha! I read that as Hemingway agreeing with me.
I’ve been binge watching Bob’s Burgers lately. It’s funny because I’ve been kinda meh on it at first, like turn it on while I clean my room type of meh, but now I’m a little embarrassed by how much I love it. I’m loving it for all type of reasons but one major reason is this is one of the few shows that portray an awkward teenage girl without demonizing her at all.
UGHHHH TINA SOUND, I love Tina Belcher so, so much! It’s really rare to see a portrayal of an ungainly teenage girl, especially the complicated, unsounded depths of her blossoming sexual urges, shown with any empathy or compassion.
It’s much more common for TV and movies to portray a not-gorgeous teenaged girl with sexual urges as a punchline about OH NO the horrors of being desired by someone not obviously and overwhelmingly attractive herself.
Tina’s rare. Tina is funny, but she’s not a joke.
Also she has the COOLEST ROOM.
Probably my favorite ever supercut: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_XaIuw6K6Q
Oh man, Tina Belcher is my absolute favourite character on TV right now. I read a thing recently (AVClub, maybe?) that basically made the argument that Bob’s Burgers got exponentially better when they realised that Tina is the heart of the show, and it is so true.
It’s also just really nice to see a cartoon for grownups that isn’t trying super hard to be “edgy”, you know?
My boyfriend and I had fun coming up with “Dirtbag Nancy Drew” scenarios when we were drunk, and I laughed hard enough to consider that conversation “Art”.
“I’ve got your secret passage right here, Ned”
Holy wow, that is PERFECT. And if anyone is an anti-dirtbag, it’s freakin’ Ned Nickerson.
George makes snotty comment about Bess’s diet, Bess grabs her neck puts out a cigarette on her forehead – BRING IT BITCH
I have been enjoying this video of all the ladies who sing Let it Go in its various languages. So many talented women! I know people are probably tired of Let it Go by now, but this is really fun.
I’m currently in a situation where I am going to be the one doing the divorcing if I end up going through with it. I’m stressing (understatement!) about it. It is going to hurt my partner so much, and I can’t express how much I care about her. When I think about it I am confused: she is awesome and she loves me very deeply. At the same time, when she has threatened to leave me in the past, I’ve felt relief; when she decides not to, I feel resigned.
This is a difficult decision, and something that I shouldn’t make lightly. What has helped other people figure out what to do in a situation like this?
Can you survive as it is now, for another year? Ask yourself the hard questions. Loving deeply doesn’t mean that the relationship is right for either of you. If all you feel is resignation that you’re staying together, it sounds like it’d be healthier for all to make a clean(ish) break now.
Seconded – sometimes loving someone is not enough.
A couple years ago, I was in your wife’s position. We separated for a while and it gave us some breathing room to decide what to do. We split up, and yes, it did hurt, but not nearly as bad as I imagined it would. It took a lot of courage for him to leave, but we are both so much better off now.
This and the advice I’ve gotten in real life gives me hope. Thank you!
Thank you for your thoughts. I don’t think it can survive for another year the way things are, but I’ll continue asking myself the hard stuff.
I’m not sure that I will ever be completely certain in the decision I make, but I am trying to be as sure as I can be. I guess that is all I can do? :/
Pretty much. You may eventually get to a place of total certainty, but it may be a long road first. It sounds like even with all of her love for you, she may be in the same place. Sounds like serious conversation time.
I think we’ve had so many serious talks that we’ve depleted the local supply of serious talks. Other couples are now unable to have serious talks, as we have used all of them up. 😛
I’m more or less in your wife’s position right now, and I think probably the worst thing you can do is drag it out. Describing yourself as relieved when it seemed like the marriage might be over is a big clue, I think; if you’re really not sure, try separating for a bit to see how you function apart. Definitely look into counseling if you can, to help get your thoughts out there without worrying about how she’s going to feel hearing them. Whatever you do, have a plan – don’t make her try to figure out what to do next if you don’t know what you want.
We’re currently in counseling (we’ve been in counseling off and on since 6 months into our marriage) and it has been really helpful for us to have a safe space to talk things out.
I’ll think about what my plan is and try to get that defined – I really appreciate that suggestion.
I think the most difficult part for me is that I never imagined myself as the one who may do the divorcing. I was always willing to do anything to save the relationship. I realize now (through a bunch of therapy) that there is a point where I have to stand up for myself, even if it hurts other people. Staying in the relationship just to prevent that hurt is not a good enough reason on its own to keep it going.
Man, other than the counseling you’re basically my husband. But yeah, it basically boils down to going for lots of low-level hurt for a long time, or hurting really bad for a short time, which is less total hurting but still really really shitty.
I turned in my last assignment on Wednesday so now I am HALF A LIBRARIAN! We’re having our year end party tonight, there will be tons of free booze and I get an excuse to bust out the black dress and pearls and look incredibly fab.
Also, suggestions of what to do in Toronto and Montreal? My boyfriend and I are going next week, and both of us have been before, but neither of us have really gone as grownups or in the spring. We’re staying in Kensington in Toronto and our hotel is right on the edge of Old Montreal, apparently. I have done most of the touristy things and he is not terribly invested in them.
Well, Kensington and Old Montreal are so awesome that they kind of make their own fun. But for what it’s worth, here’s my Toronto recommendations:
I know it’s touristy, but if you’re at all into art, spend some at the AGO (I’m in love with the AGO’s collection and curation — it’s my favourite Toronto attraction).
If you’re looking for good bars in Kensington, there’s tons, but my favourite is the Handlebar. Racho Relaxo (College and Spadina) is a dive, but with good margaritas and a really good live music lineup. My favourite dumplings are at Mother Dumplings (also College and Spadina).
If the weather’s nice, spend some time exploring parks — in the spring, taking TTC to High Park is nice, and, if it’s not too cold, I always have a really nice time at the Islands.
Oh man, I would have totally forgotten about the AGO if you hadn’t brought it up. That is definitely going on our list. I am also always on board with dumplings and margaritas, so all of your suggestions are very yes, thank you!
Also, art that wowed me this week: Rubens’ “Massacre of the Innocents” at the AGO: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Massacre_of_the_Inno…
Always stomach-churning.
in Toronto go to Bar Chef. It’s on Queen west and they make the most spectacular cocktails. Their really special ones are $25 each, which seems ridiculous, but they will blow your mind with the creativity and deliciousnes. they put wine into bubbles! And manhattans into bell jars. It is my new favourite place to recommend to people.
In Montreal Aux Vivres is one of the tastiest restaurants I have ever eaten at. It is vegetarian and mostly vegan. I am neither of those things and ate there every chance I got.
Ooof, Bar Chef looks amazing (patchouli syrup are you serious) and I love fancy cocktails, but also: grad student budget. 🙁
Aux Vivres is definitely up our alley, though!
Vieux-Montreal is super touristy and overpriced. Head north and walk through the Plateau, Mile End, and Little Italy/Parc-Ex.
Food: so much good food, I will try and keep my list curated! Patati Patata, Dinette Triple Crown, Arepera, Aux Vivres, and all the Indian places on Jean-Talon just west of de l’Acadie are all places I ate at pretty frequently (as a mile end resident and vegetarian, though Aux Vivres is the only veg-only place on that list) and are all pretty affordable (esp Patati!). There are lots of beautiful places at a slightly higher price points–brunch at Sparrow or Lawrence, Sardine, Kazu if you’re downtown, probably most of the restaurants you’d get if you googled for it. If you’re looking to splurge my absolute favorite is Damas, a Syrian resto in Mile-End. Compare bagels from Saint Viateur and Fairmount, it’s good to have your own opinion set and unshakable for when you talk to anyone who has been there/lived there (though the all-dressed at Fairmount is obviously the superlative, undisputed champion). I think La Banquise poutine is overrated, my personal favorite (though again, as a vegetarian, which rules out a lot of places) is at Royal Phoenix, a super fun gay bar.
Drinks: if you like beer, definitely go to Dieu du Ciel and Vices & Versa. If you like fancy drinks in beautiful atmosphere, try Big in Japan, Sparrow, and this nameless but gorgeous bar at 5295 Parc. If you’re looking for somewhere casual and all-around, I like Snack & Blues, Else’s, and Alexanderplatz. If you’re in a dirtbag mood and want the dirtiest of hipster dives, try Plage Montenegro or Idee Fixe.
Other things to do: walk up the mountain, especially on Sundays if it’s nice out because there’s a weekly festival called Tam-tams just off Parc Ave that includes LARPing. Visit Marche Jean Talon. BIXIs if you like biking. Stop at all the cafes, especially for those hot fresh little doughnuts at Chez Boris.
Ugh, I miss Montreal so much!! Sorry for the novel, I hope you have time for at least a few of these things 🙂 Report back!
TOASTRONS I need some help in how to be a kind and fair grownup-person. The futuremister & I have both had a really busy & stressful year so far at work (he’s in advertising, I’m a postdoc). Because his company is a cool company they are giving everyone 5 days of comp time to make up for working long hours & weekends for the past three months, so he is taking next week off, and I am having SUCH a hard time being nice about it! The words “WELL CAN YOU JUST NOT AGGRESSIVELY RELAX IN MY FACE” may or may not have emerged from my mouth.
This is the fourth(!!) week in the past year and a half or so that he’s been able to take off while I am working and I haven’t had any time off in over a year except a few days around Christmas when I had a bad cold anyway. In my opinion, him constantly talking about how great it is going to be like telling a starving person about the delicious sandwich you’re about to eat. “Oh man, the CHEESE on this thing, I’m sorry you’re not allowed to have any but it’s not my fault and I just really want to talk about my awesome sandwich!” He thinks I’m being a bitch because I am not happy for him. But I am! I’m just also unhappy for me! I know he’s been working super hard and deserves the time off and obviously I don’t expect him to forgo the benefits of his job so it can match the suckiness of mine! But uuugh what would you do?
Ugh, that sounds hard. I know what I’d do – snap at him and get all bitchy, and then cry and make him comfort me and feel all guilty for not being a better person. Which is all to say I totally get where you’re coming from. I’m not working at the moment, and my partner is grad-schooling, and he’s not jealous or annoyed at me, and I have NO IDEA HOW HE DOES IT.
Do you have someone to vent about your partner’s good fortune to? I’m sure there are other postdocs to commiserate about your shitty work schedule with.
Echoing this. Be angry near your other miserable academic friends. Then be happy near your partner. Unless you would honestly rather he be miserable with you and then maybe it’s time for a serious discussion with him.
Complain dramatically to everyone at work, cover yourself in their sympathy; at home, practice saying ‘That’s so great!’ with total sincerity in the shower until you get it perfect.
Alternative: Flip out at work and stab someone with a gilson. Then you will be sent home and you can enjoy the week together (downside: you probably won’t be able to go back to work afterwards)
This might be terrible advice: If I were you and my boyf was your futuremister I would ask him to do some specific yet easy thing I’ve been meaning to do but haven’t. Like drop something off at goodwill or hang a picture or something equally small. It won’t cut into his chillaxing too much but it would make me feel a lot better to cross one thing off my list.
You and Jaya and I all gave similar advice within a minute of each other, and I feel like that means we’re correct. JINX.
Great minds, yo!
Yeahhhhhhh we’re geniuses (maybe)
Like CaptainNancy, what I WOULD do (in my case that’s be passive-aggressive, then cry) is not recommended.
Is there any way he could use some of that time off to do something that’s good for you as a couple? I don’t know if even taking an hour off working is feasible with your ridiculously busy schedule, but I’m thinking of something like futuremister spending an afternoon shopping and cooking a fabulous dinner, so that then you can just show up and have an hour of a fancy dinner date.
…or planning an hour of giving you a massage, or trying a fun sex thing, or reading each other poetry, or taking a bike ride somewhere to get you both your favorite smoothies, whatever you enjoy. The key would be that he’d take some of his extra time to plan & execute, you’d have something relaxing to look forward to too, even if it was little, and you guys could have some time to connect. It sounds like right now you don’t feel like he’s being considerate, and this could be a way for him to enjoy his time off while also doing something practical to make you feel more considered and cherished.
I’d also say it’s fair to ask him not to aggressively relax in your face — even if it’s not his ideal relaxation, to me it seems like a reasonable compromise for him to watch a basketball game at a sports bar instead of your living room, or read a book at a coffee shop or library instead of your bed, or go out for a walk instead of sitting beside you as you work and telling you how nice it is not to be working.
Oh, god, yeah the ‘what I would do’ was NOT recommended. Just in case that wasn’t clear. Was it clear?
You (well the trinity really) actually managed to come up with some helpful advice, unlike moi. Go the trinity!
It was totally totally clear! I was trying, clumsily, second the “I get where you’re coming from” sentiment — I would definitely not be effortlessly gracious in that situation.
And I love the “who do you have to vent to?” reminder. When I’m in a relationship I often get into the “this is my person, therefore the person I should talk to about everything” pattern, instead of thinking about who in my life would be most interested in and receptive to that particular conversation.
So my futuremister recently took two weeks off between jobs, while I still had to go to work. I do not have as stressful as a job as it sounds like you have, but still, it’s not fun to be at an office all day while you know your futuremister is at home in PJs watching TV.
What helped was that he was very nice about the time, and helping me out. He did house chores, he got up with me and make me coffee and breakfast in the mornings, etc. Not having to worry about all those other life things really helped, and made him feel useful in between lounging/making cartoons. Maybe ask if he can pitch in a bit more during that time off? Or at least wake you up with breakfast once?
I love that you said futuremister even though we all know who you are talking about.
Keepers: both of you.
I don’t know if everyone knows! I operate as if everyone ignores me! IGNORE ME. *runs away*
Yay, free Jaya-advice! (& everyone’s really!) That makes absolute sense & would make me feel at least slightly better. I do most of my work at lab & generally get home way after him anyway so functionally it will make little difference, & I thiiiink it’s a fair compromise to ask him not to spend massive amounts of time recounting all of the wonderful things he did all day while I was sciencing. *Practicing smiling and saying “that’s great!” without growling*
I have a weird thing. I have been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer for the first time and I hate Angel. I also hate him when he is on Bones. He is hatable for obvious reasons (sentient side of beef doing tai chi=no thank you), but I also have this vague but definite memory of hearing about him beating his wife or girlfriend. I tried to google it and “David Boreanz beats wife” even came up as a suggestion, but I can find literally nothing about it. Not even someone else asking the same question. I did see all that stuff about his affair so maybe that’s what I’m remembering? But I don’t think so and I feel like maybe there’s some kind of grand conspiracy going on.
I do not know anything about David Boreanz and his wife but I just wanted to say I also can not stand Angel. I think David Boreanz is a terrible actor. My sister loves him though and keeps trying to get me to watch Bones. No thanks!
He got sued for sexually harassing an extra on Bones, could that be it?
http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/d…
I don ‘t hate him, and I found him occasionally enjoyable on Angel, but he is just not a good actor. Have you gotten to any of the Angel flashbacks yet? His Irish accent (“Irish”) is one of the single-most painful things I’ve experienced on TV (and I watch a LOT of crap tv).
I think I need to stop drinking coffee 🙁 🙁 🙁 Every time I’ve had it in the last few weeks I just get very anxious and feel like puking. But I LOVE COFFEEEE.
You might be allergic to coffee beans. Yes, it’s actually a thing. I should know. Ask your doctor about allergy testing. You could be doing irreparable damage to your gut if you continue to ingest an allergen.
AHH!!! Wow. I think the pukey feeling has more to do with drinking hot liquids (or at least that was my theory – even when I was little and drank hot chocolate, I would feel a little sick). But I didn’t realize coffee bean allergies existed!
This is my LIFE. Coffee makes me jittery and upset and like very worried about something I can’t quite pin down but it’s SO GOOD.
I just had to quit caffeine in the last month because one cup of tea felt like ten.
I don’t really have any good recommendations for good decaf choices. I’m not much of a coffee snob, really; if it smells like coffee and has cream in it, I’ll drink it. I really like Starbucks’s decaf espresso though.
Good luck with the transition!
I felt like this for awhile and realized after that it was connected to general anxiety. Once I got to a less-anxious place in my life then I got back to 2-3 coffees a day with no problem. Maybe you just need a couple weeks off?
http://www.buzzfeed.com/richardhjames/there-is-a-…
misandry alert!!!!
Even though we broke up a while ago, it’s only been the last couple of months that I realized how emotionally abusive my last relationship was. I was no angel for sure, but goddamn so much manipulation for the purpose of keeping my self-esteem low. I really want a relationship and to find that certain someone, but I’m not ready still. I thought I would be bummed about this realization, but I’m super pumped to just really take this time to be by myself, especially after so much unsuccessful and horrible dating the last several months (seriously! I had multiple men yell at me because I didn’t want to date them anymore after just a couple of dates!) Anyone else in this position?
Also, made an orecchiette with broccolini, mushrooms, herbs, and lemon infused breadcrumbs, so I guess that counts as my art this week? I’m still dreaming about it!
men yelling because you don’t want to date them anymore = bullet dodged
And good for you for recognizing emotional abuse. Take care of yourself. I’m in your corner.
Hurray for taking the time and energy to invest in yourself and do some self-exploration and analyzation. GO YOU!
I had a sucky week in which I made one very bad mistake at work, then dinged someone’s car in a parking lot. I am currently waiting to find out the fall-out from my work mistake and to find out how much repairing the other woman’s car will be, and I’m trying to wrap my head around the idea that by next week I might be out of a job and dealing with a big bill or an insurance claim. I’m handling it pretty well, though, I think, and that’s not nothing!
In other news, can I get some audiobook recommendations? I’d like to get my mom one for her birthday and we have very different tastes. She’s all about non-fiction, and reads a lot of books like Blink and Freakanomics that seem kind of businessy without actually being How to Succeed in Business type things. Does anyone have any ideas in that vein?
Barbara Ehrenreich, perhaps?
Hmmm… I love nonfiction but not necessarily business stuff. But just in case any of these sounds like things your mom would like, here’s a short list of books and authors I enjoy:
The Billionaire’s Vinegar by Benjamin Wallace
Everything ever written by Tony Horwitz
Bringing Down the House by Ben Mezrich (it inspired a terrible movie but the book is good!)
Seabiscuit by Laura Hillenbrand (it inspired an amazing movie AND the book is one of the best ever)
Sun in a Bottle by Charles Seife
If she’s not squeamish, Mary Roach is wonderfully fun science non-fiction!
I’m sorry about your week. That is deeply rotten.
Michael Lewis? His economics books are entertaining, and he has a new one called Fly Boys.
Hoping for good outcomes for you!
re. art: I just joined instagram, which makes me like, 1 million years late, but I am impressed at how easy they make all of the photo filters and effects. I’ve got like, four pictures up, but I love pictures so so far this is working out. The fact that Instagram is one of the sites impacted by Heartbleed does not help.
Anyways, I am apartment hunting right now, which is both fun because I like looking at living spaces, but also excruciating, because I’m always worried about missing out on a good deal and worry that something else better is out there. Craigslist, trulia, talking to a realtor.. my husband and I have all three tactics going on right now. grrr
I love the SHIT out of instagram. My favourite social network-y type site hands down.
A coworker/friendly acquaintance described to me as “the best parts of FB without all of the contentiousness” and I totally have to agree!
My best friends AND my mother-in-law are both coming into town this weekend, and splitting my time between daydrinking on patios and making awkward forced conversation with my MIL is not exactly how I want to spend my precious 2 days off work. Not to mention my husband doesn’t get along very well with his mom, AND he decided to volunteer to WORK ALL DAY ON SUNDAY, meaning that I have to ditch my friends all day to entertain her. Ugh. I rarely feel like I need a stiff drink/Xanax, but it would certainly help me get through this hellacious weekend.
Require husband to plan his mom’s time. If he wants you to entertain her, he needs to ask you, straight up. And it might be necessary for you to remind him of that. Ask him to describe his plans for her stay. See what he says.
UGH.
Good luck.
Excuse me? His mother is coming for a visit and he volunteered to be at work all-day Sunday?
Whoa, for me that would not be okay, especially if he made the decision unilaterally to volunteer without consulting you first. It feels disrespectful of his mom — even if she is hard to get along with — and disrespectful of you too, because he’s disposing of your time for you. RoseCamelia is completely right that he should plan his mom’s time — and in the future it would be good to have a conversation with him about not asking you to do his emotional work for him – because MIL time is serious emotional work, even if you like her!
Practically speaking, if the arrangement can no longer be changed, I wonder if you can think of something nice and low impact that will make the Sunday easier on you, like going to visit a local botanical/flower garden with the MIL, or going for a walk by a river/lake/ocean — both of which make conversation less of a feature of the afternoon and give you something outside yourselves to discuss.
So, the beau and I are getting serious fast. We just got a JOINT BANK ACCOUNT. I’ve never done that before, and it somehow seems like a bigger deal than living together. It’s not for bills or anything, it’s for the proceeds from our “go to garage sales and sell the stuff for 1000% on eBay” activities. The plan is to use it for going out, trips, mutual fun stuff. It makes it easier for us to go do stuff, because wildly different incomes means a big difference in discretionary incomes.
My partner and I have this exact same thing! It is kinda a big deal, so congrats! In my case, he actually brought it up when we had only been together about six months. He said “we should start saving some money together” so we started each putting $5 in a jar every Sunday. And then eventually we put all that money into an account and it has financed two small trips!!
Nice! Our eBay thing started when I cleaned out my closets, he started posting it (with my OK). Now we’ve moved on to going to garage sales and doing the same. We both started thinking about it at the same time, and brought it up together. We’re looking for furniture this weekend, as my roommate will be moving out in a month, and we’ll finally have the place all to ourselves!
I am constantly in awe of what a grown up you are. And maybe a little envious?
Keep in mind I’m an Old, but it is pretty much the most compatible/easiest relationship to date. The only not-easy parts are shaking off the PTSD of previous shite relationships. But, I’m finally at a place to understand the value of intense honesty (with self and others), and authenticity. Also, tact.
Plus, he’s had some pretty tough times himself, so I think he’s more patient and that balances me out. I can be a little…impatient and impulsive on some things. But generally come around to calm and ordered thinking and feeling pretty quick.
I got a joint bank account after a year of living together with my partner and yeah – I had friends I told literally just stop in their tracks, it was such a big deal (to them? I thought it made sense, I was tired of writing checks for bills all the time!). I think that’s great reasons to have one and I hope it works well for you!
So I plan on making a big move sometime next year to either Seattle or Los Angeles, but my dad brought up San Diego as an option. Can anyone tell me their experience? I have a conservative aunt and uncle there so the only impression I have is Republican suburbia.
it is kind of Republican suburbia but it is also beautiful! And the apts downtown in the gaslamp (bars! oyster happy hour! Whole foods!) are city-ish, cheap-ish and beach adjacent.
Yeah, I grew up in one of the suburbs, and that’s pretty accurate. If you live downtown it’s a lot nicer though! I really like the Hillcrest/Adams Avenue area- very queer-friendly, and lots of fun shops and farmers markets and such.
I lived there for 8 years! It’s gorgeous, the beach communities and downtown are fun and not overwhelmingly republican. You’re right next to Mexico so beach camping and day trips to eat lobster in a fishing village are possible. There’s horse races at Del Mar in the summer, a lot of good craft beer, great Mexican food, great food in general (please someone go to Pizza Port and ship me a Pizza Monterey!). I had a great time there! Went to college, met my husband, ran a super fun bar with some of my best friends.
So there’s basically one area that’s the liberal stronghold and that’s the Hillcrest/North Park/Adams Ave/Mission Hills/surrounding blurb, so that’s where all the grad students/interracial couples/queer folk live. The rest of SD is very military and/or republican. So many military bases. I can think of 4 off the top of my head, and I think I’m missing a few. The border causes a lot of racial tension, and the east part of the county is very… Klan-like. There’s a lot of sprawl, and a lot of canyons, so it can be hard to get from neighborhood to neighborhood.
And then I moved to Seattle and got divorced and I still live here.
I LOVE PIZZA PORT!!!! That’s all.
I think it also depends on what types of jobs you’re looking for/why you’re moving? But maybe you’ve thought about that already/are not particular and so it doesn’t matter.
If we were to play the game “Something here just doesn’t belong” between those three cities, I’d actually pick LA as the odd man out. San Diego is more conservative than either city and has its fair share of Christian radio, but it’s still got a decently liberal downtown core, lots of AWESOME outdoor stuff, and perfect weather.
My sister lives nearby and while there was certainly a conservative/religious overtone to a lot of things, it wasn’t as in-your-face as I was expecting. You do have to be OK with most of the people around you earning their living either in the military or as a private defense contractor. I’m not sure how I’d feel living somewhere where that’s such a big economic driver; if I found myself out of a job I’d end up with not many options if I wanted to avoid those companies…but I’m also pretty anti-war so you might not mind as much.
Work of art: Ben Folds’s live performance of “The Luckiest” with Dallas Pops last night, outdoors in gorgeous spring weather. I was pleasantly tipsy and held hands with my husband and cried, because I am a sentimental doofball.
Second place: Winter Soldier. Which I’m going to see again this evening, because that film has consumed me.
Any toasties finishing their dissertations (or other monumental-type works) in the next four to six weeks? I am, and it is a long, slow crawl to the finish line. This is one time in my life I wish I could fast-forward about a month or so from now.
I did mine last year, but my partner is handing his MA in in 3 ish weeks (I think it’s the 3rd???). So I’m kinda there by proxy. I’m getting very strong flashbacks to last year when it was me, actually can’t sleep right now for flash-back-ing.
Anyway good luck! The end will arrive eventually! And it’ll be a bit of a let down, but it’ll be over! Just keep eating the chocolate/drinking the coffee, and slogging it out.
Oh bro! I wish. Next 6 months, more like.
CANADA! This is important!
Tomorrow is Girl Guide Cookie Day.
This is a link to a map of all the locations that will have adorable girls selling overpriced cookies. http://www.girlguides.ca/GGC/Cookies/Find_Cookies…
Ooh, thank you thank you thank you!!
soooooo… this is my anonymous acct, (regular poster) – and I’ve got some heavy stuff in my head and I was wondering if my lovely toastrons could help with any information or thoughts or feelings….
my lovely husband started to drink more heavily and become more prone to attacks of verbal abuse shortly after we married a couple years ago. I finally got to the point where I left last weekend, and am staying with my sister. He and I are seeking therapy, but I’ve got a few things that I MUST have in our relationship in order to move back in and I’m very unsure about how he will approach this (especially since the man I married is not the man he is now – I believe there is some mental health + substance abuse combo that has unfortunately turned him from the way he was).
One of the things that is depressing me most about this is that I’m SO READY to have a baby. SO READY. My age is a bit up there too (37). I’ve been soothing my depression a bit by fantasizing about having a child by myself if things with my husband and I don’t work out. I really am loving these little fantasies, and feel like I can make a more level headed decision about us if I’m not feeling dependent on him to have a child.
Which brings me to my question(s): is it a horrible idea to embark upon single motherhood? I have a decent paying job, and excellent (but small) family who would be glad to help when they can. Also, has anyone out there in Toastland done artificial insemination? Or done some other thing (mutual agreement?) to get pregnant with no strings attached? How difficult or stupid is it?
(ETA: I’m not ready to jump ship on my husband yet – I’m realizing it sounds like I’ve totally checked out already – I definitely haven’t. I still love him and am willing and able to work with a therapist FROM A DISTANCE with him to see if we can work it out so I avoid any further abuse)
I’m in no position to offer you advice in this situation, but I can offer empathy and compassion and virtual hugs and support.
First of all, I’m so glad you were able to leave. That is a tough, tough thing and you did it. And you’re seeing a therapist which is also great. You are great. The only tiny piece of advice I can give is that you might consider having the “This is what must happen for me to move back in” conversation with yours/his (both/a different) therapist. It sounds like it might be good to have a neutral party to moderate that convo.
oh yeah, that’s a discussion we’re having at our next week’s meeting with our therapist (shit, I can’t bring myself to talk with him about anything heavy alone, the trust for him be caring and listen and not tear me to pieces just isn’t there at this point)
I had long-term relationship breakdown over something very similar sounding, and I’d like to give you a big internet hug. You’re a brave, tough cookie, and you can’t control how other people grow and change. If there is anything we can do, you just give the word. xoxo
name one work of art that wowed you this week
I rewatched The Heiress last night and, as always, I’m struck silly with admiration. Great story, great direction, great cinematography, sensitive acting (Ralph Richardson in that scene about the cherry-blossom red dress? His eyes just kill me). But from the end of the second act on, it also delivers line after line to which the only proper rejoinder is a gleeful “OH SNAP.”
BOLT THE DOOR MARIA
Last night I was planning on coming here to whine about how I threw my back out last weekend and have been miserable all week.
But then this morning after dropping my wife off at her hair appointment I had a ton of time to kill before work so I went on a three hour walk around the city. I’m so pooped but it was great! I love walking around neighborhoods and looking at the architecture and it’s even better now that everything is blooming. I’m still pretty sore and I know I’m gonna be exhausted by the end of my shift and oh my god I have to do laundry this weekend. But right now, at 12:13 on Friday afternoon, I feel great!
I envy you that 3-hour walk. Eff the laundry. It’ll still be there when the weather turns and blooms are gone.
Man, you guys, getting sick + a bunch of personal stresses (+ my brain hates me and wants me dead) have really knocked me on my ass, stability-wise, the past couple weeks. I know it will pass, but the weather just got really nice and all I want to do is curl up under the covers and not answer my phone and it sucks. Suuuuuuucks, I say! Sucks.
Curl up under the covers for a while. Be kind to yourself. I’m sorry you feel bad.
Thank you (improved mental health through self-care permission from the internet?)
re: Best Work of Art this wk– Episode 1 Game of Thrones, intro of the Red Viper!
Alternatively, I marinated feta in olive oil and herbs in a very pretty jar I found (and thoroughly washed!) at a thrift shop. It has a place of honor on my kitchen counter and doubles as an accomplishment.
doubles as an accomplishment
I like that. The idea as well as the turn of phrase.
Yum!
I should include this disclaimer: I’m writing this at the end of the work day, after which I will go watch a baseball game and will not be able to respond quickly.
BUT
Have any of you guys seen Arrow? I watched all of season 1 since it got onto Netflix and now I’m really into (snarkily watching) it! My husband and I have this ongoing joke that Oliver Queen got marooned onto Crossfit/Parkour island, which is why he’s able to do absurd kipping pull ups. Obviously we know better now, but still.. Crossfit Island.
Somehow I need to get my hands on season 2 and then catch up on to where things are with season 3.
Arrow is great! We’re about 5 episodes behind due to my travel, but it’s grown on me. Like, I I enjoyed it last season but this season I feel like I’m really getting into it all and intrigued by where they go with everyone. Versus a Smallville, I feel like they feel a lot more freedom with the characters and who they are/could be. I have tons of like, stupid opinions on all the characters that I won’t bore you with yet, though!
The show’s only on S2 though, so you’re not far behind. I want more island stuff and we have an ongoing joke about Diggle being hired as Ollie’s spotter since he’s always working out (I swear it was funny originally, but didn’t sound funny there).
Oh! Okay, that’s really good to know. My husband is actually going away on a long trip at the end of the month, so I might just hibernate and try to catch up when he’s not around, muahahahahahaha…
I kind of want more island stuff too–seriously, I thought we’d catch up to at least the point where he’s bearded and lighting bonfires on fire like in the opening?–but yeah, Diggle is totally Ollie’s spotter.
Have you ever seen Homestar Runner? I definitely have a habit of saying “ARROWED” ala Homestar Runner when we get ready to watch it.
I have… maybe considered writing recaps/a summary of ongoing commentary while watching an episode of Arrow and pitching it to the Toast. maybe
P.S. Moira Queen’s eyes are so big. Also, she is like the walking physical epitome of “rich WASP mother” which I’m kind of fascinated by.
I’m pretty much giving away all of my “material” on Arrow here.
Yes, definitely catch up! They’ve stepped up the island game now, but since I’m behind I don’t know how much more they’ve done in the past couple months. There is a lot going on right now in S2!
I’m really bad at it just because I am not a comics person, so half the time when they mention something in the DC universe I have to turn to the boyf/roommate and be like, who’s that OR go and Wikipedia it later. I would totally be down re: reading recaps though. I think it’s a good show for that sort of stuff. If you want a partner, let me know!
My fave is Felicity, fulfilling the Chloe-character role from Smallville (funny because Chloe and Smallville’s Oliver Queen were a thing???!?!!), but I actually like what they’re mostly doing with all the characters (even if I agree/don’t agree).
The most offputting thing to me is the random images of US cities they flash after commercials as “Starling City” shots. I get unreasonably agitated about it — just make a fake city! Nashville/Philly/whatever isn’t cutting it!
I’m so close to not watching Agents of SHIELD ever again, so there must be a thinkpiece on why that show sucks (at least right now) and why Arrow is the bomb dot com.
I’m not a Comics Person either, though I do enjoy most of the comic book movies. I was disappointed with Agents of SHIELD (though I can’t quite articulate why) and I’ve heard from multiple sources that Arrow is good, so I’ll have to give it a try.
I don’t know anything about Arrow, but I would watch THE FUCK out of something called CrossFit Island.
I find the idea of Crossfit Island really appealing as a general explanation for why some people are just super ripped for no reason.
So my asshat homophobic boss who I thought was going to be here forever left last month. And there was much rejoicing and I began to think that maybe it was finally safe to come out at work. ‘Cause I am tired of watching what I say and listening to people talk about their spouses and dates and whatever and looking like an antisocial loser because I never have a fun story to share. Of course I probably wouldn’t really share much anyways, this is a workplace after all.
I haven’t done or said anything because new boss has been with the company a long time, just in another office and I don’t know a lot about him. Today we were talking and he asked about something I was sending to a client that I had him review. The guy has been a client for years and new boss wanted to know why it was just addressed to client and not client and his partner. I told him that partner had passed away a few years before. Boss asked if I knew what from and before I could answer asked if it was AIDs. I was caught off guard and said, no it was cancer. But now I’m sitting here dwelling on it. I feel like that is a really weird thing to automatically ask if a gay man died of AIDs.
It is inappropriate to jump to AIDS when hearing of the death of a gay man. And homophobic. It’s the 21st century, for goodness’ sake! Please protect yourself. But if you decide being out at work is what’s best for you, I’m in your corner. Damn, this sucks. It shouldn’t be so hard to just be yourself. ::virtual hugs::
Hm. It is a really weird thing, but it could also be generational, if he’s old enough to have actually lived through the 80s.
People can be really weird around death, and it might be a sign of that, rather than homophobia. I would assume he’s a clueless/uncongenial sort, but not necessarily more than that, unless more evidence surfaces. People are complicated.
This work of art prompt is so timely!
I was in the crankiest mood yesterday, and on my way home from the climbing gym I came across a random art installation that either I had never noticed before or was new? It’s not listed on the Vancouver public art site, and it’s kind of hard to describe, but it was like a cross-section of a street corner but elevated on the pipes that would normally be concealed on the ground, so like, pipes sliced in half, a fire hydrant sliced in half, etc. But up on the elevated square there was also a tree and a parking meter! I can’t find anything about it online, but it really cheered me up–I got off my bike and climbed up on it and just hung out up there for a bit, and a fire truck drove by and I waved at them from up there and the firefighters all waved back.
Have any Vancouver toasties seen this? It’s on the corner of Chess and Terminal, which is super out of the way in an industrial area and seems like a strange place to put an art installation.
In other news, one reason I was bummed is because I am in a casual relationship that has a definite end date. We’ve known this from the beginning (we’re both leaving the city at the end of the month for very different places indefinitely, and only started dating a few months ago), and agreed we would just keep things light and have a good time while we could, but things have been getting a little weird as we get closer to the end. Any advice?
Mmm only sympathy for the definite-end date thing. Me too! I keep finding myself counting the like specific number of nights we’re going to get to spend together (down to seven) before I move away. Ugh, feelings. I wish I had good advice for you (us), but all I have is commiseration.
Aw, commiseration back at you! I feel like this kind of (terrible) relationship is not uncommon these days with everyone being so mobile. Come to think of it, I so far have never lived in a place that I didn’t know I was going to leave sometime in the future. I hope the move is exciting enough and goes well enough to at least help take your mind off your partner.
So this isn’t my work of art, but my daughter did it, and won first prize for it last weekend at a local art show. Here it is, because I’m still an img src idiot.
Wow, that’s great!
I decided to quit my evil, happiness-crushing job and go back to school. Five more months and I’m FREE!
Guys guys it’s Byzantine art of pop culture characters
I’m coming to New York again! Just for about 5 days, but if any Toast people are in town I will go to the beer gardens with you, or Hi-Fi or any of our old haunts
Hi all. This the 4th week of working a new job and it’s giving me the sads. (Well more frustrateds than sads.) I keep telling myself that this will only be for a short time and a means to an end while I pursue a career I want. On the bright side, I have an actual DATE and TIME for my thesis defense. So that’s a good thing, yes?!?
Please tell me with your tales of escaping a grey cubicle farm for better prospects. Anything to hope/inspire for would really help and be appreciated.
You’re already doing the first of a two-prong strategy. First is to apply for other jobs. Almost any other job, since just being invited for an interview is a huge boost to your morale, even when it’s a job you don’t want. The second is attention to expectations and to reset them where necessary. Are you expecting too much from your current situation? (I usually do.) If the current job is to pay your bills and contribute to your resume, stop expecting anything further from it. Going to work every day expecting little is not a great feeling (oh, how well I know), but it beats the inevitable frustration of unmet expectations. Maybe I’m way off and just projecting my own sh*t. Just ignore me where the fit is not right. And congratulations on getting an end-date on the thesis defense!
I think you’re right about the expectations. I got yelled at for registering for a work-related website. The processes and culture at this place are so Byzantine, I literally can’t do anything other than what I’m told.
I need to work on not giving a fuck if people see me doing other projects because I have no other work to do. Maybe quit giving a fuck in general.
This isn’t my thing, usually, but I loved this cover of “Dreams.” Ahhh, arttt (music counts, no?)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9UFhEifTEg
Worst week in a really long while. Didn’t get clerkship / job I was *sure* I got, not because judge didn’t love me, but because I can’t start right away (thanks, Fetus), and he doesn’t have a spot for me in the next cycle. He basically said exactly that, how he was so sorry, he really wanted it to work out, but extenuating circumstances. Ugh. Giant sad face. I wanted this so much AND I played it just right, but it’s still not working out, and timing + geography mean that there are vanishingly few even reasonable alternatives. Family dog died (very peacefully and without drama or angst, at a ripe old age, but still). Major drama along the inlaws. Hubs hurt himself today which scared me (although he is fine). And I woke up from an amazing dream that I was on a very much needed beach vacation this a.m., so happy and yet disoriented that when I realized it wasn’t real, I just sat in bed and sobbed for five minutes.
Stop the world, I want to get off for a bit. Please.
Not a big week for art in my life, but last weekend I heard a really great performance of the Bach St. John Passion, and Nickle Creek put themselves back together again. So those things are awesome.
The five-minute sob was good. You needed that. Give yourself a good cry whenever you feel the need. I feel for you and wish I could help. All I can offer is virtual hugs from a stranger on the internet.
I got my Toastie CD mix in the mail today! Much thanks to the Toaster that made it and the Toaster who organized the swap! I can’t wait for the next round, got lots of ideas …
Do you need to or is it just an experiment? Because a lot of studies have shown that people who drink 1-2 cups of coffee together, especially women, live longer and are protected from dementia. Coffee is full of anti-oxidants and even caffeine itself is good for you *in moderation*.
Some people do definitely have special health conditions that are a reason for cutting it out, but the majority of people actually will be healthier for a little coffee if drunk in moderation.
But I don't understand, coffee is sold *everywhere* in Italy at all bars, and it takes just 2 seconds to order an espresso and drink it standing at the bar (and it is so good! and such a great place to people-watch during your 2 seconds of coffee consumption).
one belated thought:
have you considered using good smells as a reward, instead of food? There's a company that makes "sniff-boxes" of calming & energizing scents, but it could also be a perfume you uncork or put s small spritz of on your wrist, an orange studded with cloves, crushing some basil leaves, an essential oil.
Basically you get the pleasure of a delicious taste (because smell and taste are so closely associated) without having to eat something, and you can also choose smells that are calming or soothing, like lavender; energizing, like citrus; or that just make you feel happy for some reason. The perfume line "CB I hate Perfumes" is pricier than an essential oil but also really great for this because he doesn't do "sexy" perfumes, but rather interesting scents that are more closely linked to experiences and collective memories.
Go to Lepinsky Vir (sp?) and see the triangular-shaped rock that was a sacred object for prehistoric peoples! Go to Mostar for sure, although it's been rebuilt, and also lots of ancient monasteries in the countryside. Drink walnut spirits as well as the slivovitz that everyone will offer you, and also be sure to eat gibanitsa (the Balkan version of Greek spinach pastry) and plenty of shopsky-salat (amazing salad with olives and sheep cheese that is even better than Greek salads) and the inescapable cevapchichi, but also stuffed peppers. And Turkish coffee!
Also the culture in ex-Yugoslavia is still pretty sexist, but people respect strength & confidence, and there's also a long parallel tradition of really strong women, so don't take any guff and people will accept that and probably even like you for it — it doesn't have to be a big deal.
Excuse me? His mother is coming for a visit and he volunteered to be at work all-day Sunday?
Whoa, for me that would not be okay, especially if he made the decision unilaterally to volunteer without consulting you first. It feels disrespectful of his mom — even if she is hard to get along with — and disrespectful of you too, because he's disposing of your time for you. RoseCamelia is completely right that he should plan his mom's time — and in the future it would be good to have a conversation with him about not asking you to do his emotional work for him – because MIL time is serious emotional work, even if you like her!
Practically speaking, if the arrangement can no longer be changed, I wonder if you can think of something nice and low impact that will make the Sunday easier on you, like going to visit a local botanical/flower garden with the MIL, or going for a walk by a river/lake/ocean — both of which make conversation less of a feature of the afternoon and give you something outside yourselves to discuss.
Hm. It is a really weird thing, but it could also be generational, if he's old enough to have actually lived through the 80s.
People can be really weird around death, and it might be a sign of that, rather than homophobia. I would assume he's a clueless/uncongenial sort, but not necessarily more than that, unless more evidence surfaces. People are complicated.
7.23 fic's up: http://archiveofourown.org/works/1459324
The copy I read looked like that!