The Toast’s previous coverage of trans* issues can be found here.
The first time I ever used the ladies’ room was absolutely nervewracking. I had just started presenting myself in public as a woman, and I was slowly becoming more confident in where I would go. Starting transition in the American south does not leave a trans girl with a lot of confidence about her right to exist, let alone using the pisser without being hassled. I was at a bar in downtown Dallas, and as one might imagine after drinking a few gin and tonics I really had to go, like really really had to go. There were only two options: the men’s room or the women’s room; there was no “unisex” option.
I knew that if I went into the men’s room I’d be gawked at, insulted, and possibly even harmed. I had been on hormones for so long that using the men’s room would look downright silly anyway. And so I answered the call of my bladder and plunged into the unknown space of the women’s restroom. I spared no time. I did my business, washed my hands, and left as soon as I could. My heart was pounding the whole time, my hands were practically numb, and I was deathly afraid of accidentally making eye contact with anyone for fear of being found out.
But then I realized something as I returned to my friends: I got no weird stares, no derogatory remarks, and certainly no one pointing at me and screaming “PERVERT.” I was able to blend in, and so I was able to use this space without any issues. As time went on, I was able to use women’s restrooms in areas that I knew were even more hostile to transgender folk, and certainly didn’t have legal protections for me: a barbecue joint in Alabama, a Walmart in central Florida, and a Mississippi rest stop bustling with conservative families. I was becoming more confident in my ability to blend in, and I loved it.
So when I hear rhetoric that people use against transgender women using restrooms, I can only assume that they are in a fantasy land. There seems to be a trend in mainstream society where people attribute a group that they don’t understand to fears that they do understand, which is why the ill-understood transgender minority often gets lumped in with the likes of child molesters, rapists, and perverts. This is what happened to gays in the 1970s and it’s happening to transgender individuals now. So it comes as no surprise when politicians turn around and use these irrational, baseless fears about transgender people as part of their political rhetoric and eventually hurtful public policy, all in the name of “protecting human rights.”
We can see a direct example of this occurring in the Colorado public school system, in which reported parental and student concern about a transgender girl using the changing room was spun by the media as actual harassment. This has in turn led to proposed policies to solve a “problem” that was shilled into existence from the perpetuation of baseless fears and accusations. The end result is fear of the unknown being used to drive public policy. It’s a fantasy solution to a fantasy problem that negatively impacts real people in real ways .
Well here’s the reality: transgender people are getting access to medical means to transition at earlier and earlier ages. This means that more and more transgender people are able to pass way more easily, and thus can use their preferred restrooms without any issue because no one has any idea that they are transgender in the first place. I guarantee you that you have shared a public restroom with a transgender individual at least once in your lifetime, you just probably didn’t notice. No one is really taking the time to really scrutinize each other in public restrooms anyway, partly because most American restrooms use stalls with tall walls that block vision of people while they do their business, and partly because the bathroom is not some sort of hangout space. It’s a facility and an amenity, not a “girls’ club,” and certainly not some sort of rape dungeon.
That’s what I mean when I say it’s already happening. For transgender women, the ladies’ room is the most logical and safest place for them to go, and so they’re going to do it whether it’s legal or not. Furthermore, when they use this amenity, they do exactly what the rest of the population does: go in, do their business, hopefully wash their hands, and leave. The societal image of what transgender women look like is so disjointed from their actual appearance that the majority of transgender restroom users go unnoticed. So unless you’re planning to don your detective’s hat and start pulling down pants and looking up skirts, there is absolutely nothing that you can do about these people going in and answering nature’s call like the rest of the human race.
So since this is already happening, it’s only fair to seek legal protection for this completely sensible act. And yes, transgender people who are unable to pass deserve just the same treatment too. Protection ordinances are even more important for those without passing privilege, because they do not have the luxury of flying under the radar sometimes. I’ve heard arguments stating that those who don’t have passing privileges shouldn’t use their preferred restrooms because they might make cisgender people “feel uncomfortable,” but is that really a reason to deny someone’s identity and make her life that much more dangerous? No, the only real reason that argument has any traction is because of the subconscious privileging of nebulous cisgender “comfort” over real concerns about transgender safety. Public policy should never be formed from baseless, irrational and bigoted fears concerning minorities, and the will of the many should never decide the rights of the few.
Local ordinances are only a start, however. There are many transgender people in very rural areas of the country that need these basic protections way more than those in more accepting urban areas. Pushing towards a federal anti-discrimination law is the only way to help those who need it most. It’s already become a reality in the UK and is at least making progress in Canada, but if the international track record of marriage equality is of any indication, the United States will most likely be one of the last western nations to federally put transgender equality into law.
Transgender people have to pee just as much as their cisgender counterparts, and they deserve to do so with safety. Does this mean that they’ll be safe from heckling and mistreatment entirely? No, but it will be a good start. It is this writer’s hope that once cisgender people share these spaces with their transgender brothers and sisters equally, they’ll realize that what they were fed by the media was nothing but lies and hate. Some might call it social engineering, and I would have to agree there, because only through engineering a society of equal individual rights can we build a foundation for tolerance, respect and safety for all. We’re not looking to peep at your lady bits, we just need to pee and want to feel safe doing so, is that so much to ask?
Tags: bathrooms, emma echoic, lgbt, politics, the trans* series, trans* issues
The only bathroom-related things anyone should worry about are:
1. washing hands
2. not leaving the place a mess
3. not doing that annoying thing where you chat to other people who are trying to use the washroom in peace.
There, those are the only things people should care about, and people trying to refuse the use of bathrooms to other people should refer to these rules whenever common sense deems it necessary (i.e., always).
the only real reason that argument has any traction is because of the subconscious privileging of nebulous cisgender “comfort” over real concerns about transgender safety
DING DING DING. It makes me furious that a societally-privileged class (to which I belong) thinks that our potential momentary discomfort should be stacked up against the rights and needs of a more marginalized group.
Quite aside from the fact that the “discomfort” is based on a prejudiced fear rather than statistical dangers, one’s mere discomfort does not outweigh someone else’s rights to access public space.
Honey, you can pee in my bathroom as long as you don’t fucking talk to me while we’re in the cubicles.
(Honey = literally any human regardless of the shape of their junk)
But like seriously what do the objecting people actually fear? Like do they think trans women *all* still have penises *and* can’t wait to use them on unwilling cis ladies? Like is it some kind of concealed weapon analogy? Even dude penis havers aren’t necessarily rapists, so it doesn’t even make sense?
Weighing in on the “anyone can pee in the women’s bathrooms” brigade, because STALLS, and making things safer for trans* / nonbinary / intersex people.
In fact I’d rather that everyone were welcome in the women’s, because the men’s typically doesn’t have the same privacy levels. I’ve gone in the men’s a few times (at the theatre, you know how the queues get), and what with the urinals and minimal stalls, I can only think how intimidating and/or dangerous the men’s must be for trans* men, nonbinary, intersex and other people who want to/feel they should use the men’s bathrooms. The ‘oh no, trans in our bathrooms’ conversation usually revolves around the women’s loos, and I always wonder how safe trans* etc. people feel in the men’s.
I agree with this. I lived in a co-ed dorm at my women’s college and it had co-ed bathrooms. This was a long time ago, not even this century. I had no problem with it, because there were lots of stalls and lots of traffic. If you’re in a stall, you might as well be in a private bathroom.
Exactly. I lived on co-ed floors for 3 out of 4 years in college, and peed and showered next to guys every day. You know, because STALLS, PEOPLE.
Although it was interesting at my sister’s women’s college, where visiting men had to be escorted to and from the one co-ed-allowed bathroom in her dorm. I got that it was for safety reasons, but it was a bit weird.
Not to say that we don’t need this conversation about women’s bathrooms – clearly there are people who spout that stupid rhetoric and we need to shut them down. And not to say that it’s necessarily easy for trans* people to use the women’s either. Just in case that wasn’t clear (shutting up now)
Late blooming trans-dude here: making the switch was NERVE WRACKING, but I quickly realized no one actually cares in there. I’m in a pretty damn LGBT-friendly town, but despite not really making a huge effort at presentation I’ve never gotten hassled (yay!!).
I do miss stalls that were not totally pee-stained,however. Just cause you CAN pee everywhere doesn’t mean you should. >:(
“It’s a facility and an amenity, not a “girls’ club,” and certainly not some sort of rape dungeon”
Not sure what you meant by this. I agree with the first part, but then it seems to dismiss anyone who might have any worry about getting raped in a bathroom. It’s a small space you share with strangers for an intimate function, which can be anxiety-provoking.
Guys, I might be a terrible person! This one time recently, I saw a man [a person I perceived to be a man] coming into the women’s room as I was coming out and I just sort of cheerily chirped “Oops, wrong one!” and just kept going, not a big deal. And I think he said “Whoops!” but honestly I wasn’t paying much attention. So it was probably okay that time, but what if I’d said that to a non-passing transwoman and made her feel really self-conscious and icky? But on the OTHER hand, in that situation, more likely it IS a man who’s just lost than not and I’d like to be helpful and spare embarrassment insofar as possible…but should I not say anything in case? Humanity is *complicated*!
In the past, I have certainly done exactly what you describe: “cheerily chirped ‘Oops, wrong one!’ and just kept going.” But I hope that I wouldn’t do that now, even though it’s pretty ingrained in me, because how do I know they’re in the “wrong” bathroom? And if they’re behaving properly, why would I care? And if they’re not behaving properly, there are other concerns to address than which room they should be in.
As you say, humanity is complicated. So is gender, and it’s not my place to assess someone else’s gender performance and decide for them which restroom they’re entitled to use. If they are in fact in a bathroom that doesn’t align with their gender expression and they care, they’ll figure that out without my chiming in. If they’re not, they don’t need or want me casually reinforcing the gendered expectations that the dominant culture visits upon all of us all the time.
As someone who has breasts but passes as a man about 50% percent of the time, it’s really difficult to ID someone’s gender in passing. I use women’s restrooms because although I might be yelled at or stared at in them, I’m more afraid of getting beat up if I use the men’s.
More often that not, people use the restroom they feel comfortable in for specific reasons. If that person really was headed for the wrong room, they likely would have realized it soon enough even if you didn’t say anything! If they knew were they were going, your attempted helpful suggestion may have caused them to break into a sweat and second-guess exactly how bad they needed to pee and what if they could just hold it til they got home, wouldn’t that be safer and less confrontational?
I know you meant to be helpful, but it really is a difficult situation and I just wanted to point out – sometimes that are people that may appear to be men that still use the women’s restroom. Too bad there aren’t more unisex restrooms in the US, because I never feel comfortable using a public restroom unless it’s unisex.
Word.
I am a handsome little butch. My handle here is what a long ago gf called me. She was the first woman to make me feel attractive as a fully realized adult human being; a cis-gendered woman who happens to express a lot of masculinities.
I work in a professional capacity in a professional firm. Our offices are located in a beautifully restored 19th century building. All very nice. All very expensive. All very tasteful. All very professional. I have been employed there for 3 years.
My professional attire tends towards the masculine. I wear mens’ shoes because my feet are big and wide and mens’ shoes fit better. I wear mens’ trousers because my legs are muscular from running and boot camp and the trousers fit my body better. I wear mens’ shirts because womens’ blouses are too tight around my biceps and make me feel as though I am in drag. I am a fit and athletic little butch. I dress well and I get a lot of compliments from the girls who like girls who look like me.
I prefer to use the Ladies’ Room on the next floor up. It means that I can use the stairs and gaze from the window over both the river and the lake. I prefer to use the Ladies’ Room when no one else is there. I will usually pause for a moment to listen for noises in the stalls. All being quiet, I prefer to use the biggest stall.
This particular day, I enter the washroom, pause for a moment to listen. No sound. No sign of life. I go over to the largest stall, put my finger on the top of the door. It yields. As it yields, there is a scream and the door is quickly pulled to.
I apologize immediately; go into one of the smaller stalls. As I lock that door. I hear the other door open and someone running for the exit. Running.
I finish my business. Wash my hands. Head out the door and through the door to the stairwell where I discover a woman pacing the landing eight steps down. She is shaking, arms crossed. I am guessing that this is the woman from the big stall. I acknowledge what transpired in the washroom and apologize once again. As I begin to descend, she sprints up the stairs past me as far away from me as she can be. Her only acknowledgement of me is expressed as fear.
It is not the first time something like this has happened to me.
I only wanted to pee. I am tired of always having to consider that I may have to prove my sex and gender to the satisfaction of my neighbours, my co-workers, my building’s management, the police, each and every time I go to do so. Who are they to judge?
You are all absolutely right. Thank you for being so kind in explaining my mistake. I will be knocking that off starting yesterday.
I have been on the receiving end of this. I was in the men’s room washing my hands (I’m 5’2″ and…not particularly pointy in the jaw or shoulders) and this guy walked in, saw me, walked back out and checked the sign on the door, and came back in to pee. It was one of my more uncomfortable instances of being misgendered.
And yet, I don’t really have any suggestions for a better way to handle it! Bathrooms are always going to be panic-inducing, at least for me, so having someone drawing attention to me — even with good intentions — is horrifying. But I also can’t expect everyone to just assume that I’m where I’m supposed to be and they’re where they’re supposed to be.
You’re right, it’s so complicated!
the first time i used a women’s bathroom i was so terrified, but it didn’t take me long to realise that if nobody noticed i was anything but female outside of the bathroom, it wasn’t going to all of a sudden became a huge issue INSIDE of a bathroom either. i was saddened to learn, however, that women’s public bathrooms are never any nicer than men’s public bathrooms. they are equally horrifying, and disgusting, and should always be considered the last resort of the desperate.
Awww, you thought women’s public loos were nice? Poor you.
In my hometown there was (still is?) a women’s loo review column in the local paper. Very useful!
i did not believe that they would be works of arts, but i did allow myself to hope that there wouldn’t be shit on the walls. 🙁
Yuck 🙁
I do my best to avoid public toilets altogether, I’m pretty good at the how-long-can-I-wait-where-is-the-nearest-cafe maths. Though, oddly enough, long drops are A-OK with me. They are generally a hell of a lot cleaner!
a reality of my line of work is that i’m always on the road, and more often than i care to admit i get myself in situations where i just have to pee, like, right away…and public bathrooms are the only option. i don’t work in a great area either so it’s extra bad – stolen toilet seats, aforementioned shit up aforementioned walls, sharps containers broken open. i have a mental catalogue of ‘safe bathrooms’ but they are not always convenient.
That all sounds rather horrific. May the quality of the bathrooms you visit ever improve.
Toasties, flippant question time. When a trans person is choosing a new name, their spouse’s name is out, yes?
There was an article a couple of weeks ago about a woman standing for election (who happens to be trans), called Kelly. And her wife (who she married when before she transitioned) is ALSO called Kelly. I feel sorry for the non-politician Kelly, my parent’s think I’m being dumb. Whaddayathink?
Not gonna judge others’ choices. I know it’s all in fun; you’re just being flip. It’s cool.
But you bring to mind a French cis-het couple I knew in the US. Call their house and ask for Andre. No matter which half of the couple answered, the response was always “Andre he, or Andree she?”
The Kelly couple can find a similar solution. “Political Kelly or Scientist Kelly?” “Kelly Blue Eyes or Kelly Brown Eyes?”
Yeah I know some cis couples like that (full disclosure, I think that’s weird. Give one a different nickname! Something!), but they have at least individually got history with that name? And I am assuming that trans men and women don’t have such histories with their chosen names… which, now that I think about it is not necessarily a good assumption to make.
It just seems odd to me that with allll the names to pick from, this woman chose her wife’s name. (There’s probably more to the story than that, to be sure)
Maybe Kelly is who she has wanted to be since she was 4 years old. Because it was Grandma’s name and Grandma was the only one who made her feel accepted as is. She has thought of herself as Kelly for 15 years. Then she meets a wonderful partner who happens to have that same, common name.
You make a very good point. Thanks for pointing that out, and doing it so nicely.
I take my hat off to you =)
Yeah, I think people in the same family/couples with the same names happens often enough with cis people and it’s easy enough to work around that it’s not necessarily off limits.
I know one guy called Costi (short for Constantin), whose parents are called Constance and Constantin, which must get confusing. (People get named after their parents often enough, that’s certainly not off limits!)
If the couple aren’t really into nicknames, then they could use initials. (From middle names if they have the same last name too.)
I live with two women called Hiba, who are exactly the same height and have the same hair and eye colours, so physical characteristics aren’t very helpful. I call one Hiba H and the other Hiba M, or occasionally Hiba Senior and Hiba Junior (Hiba Senior is all of 2 years older than Hiba Junior).
honestly, even if I saw someone who read as 100% unequivocally male in a "women's restroom," I probably wouldn't think anything of it unless they were otherwise behaving in a way that made me uncomfortable (where "made me uncomfortable"≠"me having a shitty reaction to their gender performance").
we are SO WEIRD about this culturally, & as people have pointed out all over this thread & elsewhere, it really makes no sense.
I hereby vow to never again question anyone's presence in a restroom unless they appear to have mistaken it for another room entirely.
Well, then the question is whether that preference of yours should be given more weight than whether he felt safer in the ladies' room than the men's.
Given the cavalier reference to rape in the article, I wonder if everyone's sensitivities should be given equal weight. I wonder about immediately jumping to concur so fully in spirit with someone who dismisses rape so easily.
How about men's, women's, and unisex bathrooms. That way, if you don't care about other people's gender and don't care with whom you're sharing the bathroom, you can go into the unisex.
Personally, I don't care. I'd probably use the women's or the unisex.
Sure — and I wouldn't freak out about anyone in any bathroom, who wasn't actively doing something creepy (for reasons including and beyond the fact that you can't necessarily tell a person's gender at a glance!). But I think making women's spaces into women's and trans* people spaces is not quite the answer.
Exactly. I lived on co-ed floors for 3 out of 4 years in college, and peed and showered next to guys every day. You know, because STALLS, PEOPLE.
Although it was interesting at my sister's women's college, where visiting men had to be escorted to and from the one co-ed-allowed bathroom in her dorm. I got that it was for safety reasons, but it was a bit weird.
Well, on top of the issue of whether women feeling unsafe in a restroom with men in it is or is not more important than a man feeling safer in a woman's restroom (personally, I'd prefer all unisex bathrooms but I also have a dear friend with ptsd post rape who would feel intense anxiety if a strange man walked into a women's restroom while she was in there so it's tricky all around) is that I'm also not sure if women's restrooms are that much safer for trans folk?
I think there is this idea that women are automatically harmless but cis women can totally be just as transphobic as cis dudes and so I'm not so sure if women's restrooms are automatically safer spaces for trans men, even though I feel that ultimately people should be able to just pee in whatever room they want to pee in. I think because the ladies of the toast are decent it's easy to forget that plenty of women out there aren't the same way. I mean obviously it's up for trans men to decide what restroom they feel most comfortable in but I'm not sure if we should be jumping to the conclusion that a women's restroom is automatically a safe space, when it might not be.
This article and the comments make a compelling case for unlabeled single-occupancy bathrooms. Pee alone, in whichever one you like.
Its almost neurotic how hung up contemporary society is about toilets, how they have to be walled and segregated establishments.
I like what the folks at Gotta Go Poncho are doing. They have a wallet sized restroom system you carry with you. Basically, an opaque hooded poncho (for privacy), and well designed pee and poop bags.
Albeit far from mainstream, this approach takes sex segregation out of the public restroom debate. New social dilemmas call for new thinking.
Society is hung up about a lot of things, particularly when sex is involved. Where there is public defined exclusion, there will always be controversy.
I looked up Gotta Go Poncho’ and found their website http://www.goponcho.com. There mission is “to find practical toilet solutions that liberates customers from the need of public restrooms.” It seems to be a possible solution for the LGTB community ducking controversy in public restrooms. But the real issue is societal hangups.