The Toast’s archive of trans* related stories can be found here.
When I began to work in the tech industry 11 years ago, it was a lucky break. I got a chance to fix laptops at the University where I studied, and that continued into a career in IT, testing, and analytics that pays my bills today. When I began work, though I have always been a woman, I was presenting as a man. This made working in the tech industry unquestionably easier. Because of my closeted trans status, I didn’t deal with personally directed misogyny. And as an 18-year-old, I was just happy to have the money.
My discomfort with the treatment of women and the incessant sexism and misogyny I heard from the lips of my coworkers was similar to what I’d grown up with hearing from friends and classmates. I felt like a spy. Being a trans woman, being assigned male at birth, gave me a particular lens to see what was happening. Because no one around me recognized me as other than male, I got to hear what the boys say when they think it’s safe to let their hair down. It’s sometimes vile.
And, I was complicit. I took full advantage of the system of oppressions that led my job to be offered to me, and not someone else. And though I still benefit from this early compliance, as I am no longer presenting as a guy, it feels very different. Now, I see things from the perspective of a person seen as a woman. I get the edited version, but I can hear the subtext, and I know the looks.
I transitioned after my last job.
I had the savings to take 2 months off to both cook a whole lot (I love cooking to a really ludicrous degree) and socially finish transitioning. At the time my body was a ways off from “passing,” which is the way in which trans people receive conditional cis-privilege by meeting and matching the expectations put on women’s bodies by society. I look back at photos from that time, and think “wow, she was brave,” but really, I didn’t have a choice. I’d reached a breaking point, which may be familiar to other trans women. I had to move forward or I was going to be stuck forever. So, with a great degree of trepidation, I came out to the handful of folks I hadn’t, and began applying to jobs as a woman.
The first thing I began to realize, was that my name “Brook,” already meant I was passed over by many companies who were prejudiced against hiring women. This had likely been the case before, but I only noticed it now that I couldn’t easily say “oh, yeah, I’m a guy” to the recruiter or interviewer through my voice and appearance. What was once usually a quick jab at my name, was now a stab to my person. I sat in expensive chairs, being told how to do the job I spent my adulthood performing, usually when the interviewer was a man. When a woman sat across from me, I was usually praised for my experience and skill. It was jarring, especially in contrast to the treatment I received only a few years before, the last time I interviewed for jobs.
In my work, and online in the tech and startup scenes, I see unbelievable misogyny. It is real. It affects the number of women who apply for and study for STEM jobs. It privileges those of us who can stay quiet, nod our heads, and “forgive” a rude, sexist, homophobic, or transphobic comment. I make the choice, actively, whether or not to be complicit with every quiet acquiescence. My survival, my income, and my career depend, often, on keeping my head down, and pretending I don’t hear what I hear. The women I work with, and around often respond with, “you get used to it.” I don’t want to get used to it.
A typical week means grimacing through at least one comment about women being bad at such-and-such, something homophobic, or “why don’t you get your friend to inseminate you?” when I mention the difficulty queer couples face when deciding to have children.
For trans women that choose to not disclose their history to employers, coworkers, or even the world at large – which is our right – we face the struggle of speaking up that might force our hand on disclosure. If I call out or discuss something transmisogynistic, do they see me in a different light? At what point do I become safely “othered” in their mind?
Trans-exclusion in insurance is rampant. My company, like most, does not have a policy that includes the medical treatment of trans women and men. What this means is, if I’m lucky, my HRT is slightly covered. Any surgery, hair removal, therapy, or other medical care that I and others like me require is not paid for by our insurers. This means that even if we pay the premiums, and participate in the system of insurance, as is now legally mandated, some of the most important care is inaccessible to us unless we have independent wealth. Trans people are fighting for this to change, but on a personal level, for me to fight for this policy inclusion is necessarily to be out to my company. To be looked at differently. To be judged for the ways in which I don’t fit the expectations of the cis world. At a previous job, when I did out myself as trans, despite this being before transition, I was assured they would fix our insurance policy to add trans inclusive coverage. I later found out they didn’t even try. But I dealt with the consequences of being out afterwards. This was part of my reason for being stealth at my current job.
I am out as a lesbian. And where before I appeared to be a cisgender, heterosexual man, I now notice eyebrows raise when I talk about visiting my girlfriend. Coworkers are aware I speak at queer events, and I do not shy away from discussing or mentioning the topics when asked. And this too is a place where I can sense the silent “othering.” It is a conscious choice on my part to be out about my sexuality, and stealth about my trans identity, and that also reveals the place we are in with regards to prejudice. No one bats an eye that I use the women’s restroom. I don’t get yelled at or told, “you’re a lesbian — you shouldn’t be in here.” I present as femme, and I’m sure this also affects how I am perceived. If my trans identity were to be openly known, my guess is I would not be so lucky. Not knowing what others think, I am never sure if I pass well enough, or if those who share facilities with me are just accepting. But, I base my assumption on the lack of yelling, and that is heartrending.
The tech industry affords me many luxuries, but I’ve found that diversity and acceptance is not one of them. I plan to keep working in tech for now, and the tension between personal safety and societal change will continue to remind me how far we still have to go.
Tags: brook shelley, business, lgbt, the trans* series, trans* issues, work
1) the word “inseminate” is so unpleasant to begin with, I can’t believe people would even voluntarily say it, let alone make wild assumptions about other people’s family planning (okay actually, the assumptions are more believable than the word choice).
2) FUCK THAT COMPANY THAT SAID THEY WOULD CORRECT THEIR INSURANCE AND DIDN’T EVEN TRY
3) Go Brook!
1) yep. i *shuddered*
2) agreed.
3) Thanks!
This is a wonderfully written piece about a very tough topic. Thank you. And thank you for talking about the “practical” implications of transitioning- how many folks want or need to find a new job, how health insurance doesn’t cover so many necessities, how access to financial support can make a difference. There are all these things that I hadn’t thought about as a cis person. It’s easy for me to forget how many obstacles there can be to transitioning.
I’m glad you liked it – it’s tricky too, because I’m affluent, white, and gainfully employed… so I am probably unaware of other aspects and very likely missed some stuff too. Which, well, I’m glad that the Toast is so awesome at publishing trans folks.
…I hate everything.
Can we just make a universal rule wherein NO ONE ASKS OTHER PEOPLE ABOUT THEIR FAMILY PLANNING. Ever. Under any circumstances. IT WILL NEVER END WELL.
I make the choice, actively, whether or not to be complicit with every quiet acquiescence. My survival, my income, and my career depend, often, on keeping my head down, and pretending I don’t hear what I hear. The women I work with, and around often respond with, “you get used to it.” I don’t want to get used to it.
APPLAUSE.
I wish I could give a hundred thumbs up for your reply instead of just one.
Brook, thanks so much for writing this. It’s very enlightening to hear your perspective about misogyny women face. I run a small startup in Austin, and it can be really difficult to navigate a male-dominated community. It’s something I personally struggle with on a daily basis. I can’t imagine the added hardships you must face as a trans woman in tech. I have such a deep respect for you. Keep being amazing!
This post just made me so weirdly grateful that I’ve never been perceived as male in the tech culture. I see the misogyny but I probably miss a lot of it because I don’t know how much better it would be. I can’t imagine how much more difficult being a transwoman at my job would be. Physically safe, maybe, but I’m sure it wouldn’t be safe emotionally.
Agreed. When I was still in school I ran into an older man who spent years in my STEM field. When we were talking one of the things he said was “I’m glad you’re going into this, and I don’t want to dissuade you, but you wouldn’t believe the things the men say when they’re in the bathroom and there’s no women around. The violence of it.” I assumed (and am still holding onto the assumption) that as he was a hippie type he meant “violence” in a spiritual sense, but the comment still stuck with me. I know what they say to my face, do I want to know what they say when I leave the room?
This piece is amazing! I’m a huge advocate for getting more women in STEM, but I don’t think I’ve ever read a piece from a trans woman’s perspective. Thank you so much for writing this, Brook.
No problem.
More women in STEM is a really, really good thing. So many of the best discoveries and scientific innovations were made possible by a woman… and I hope that continues to be true in the future to an even greater degree. Communities like this really encourage me too, because it’s like, “Woah! There’s all these awesome women who are amazing, smart, funny, and caring.” Maybe we can change the other communities we participate in as well.
And, I was complicit. I took full advantage of the system of oppressions that led my job to be offered to me, and not someone else. And though I still benefit from this early compliance, as I am no longer presenting as a guy, it feels very different. Now, I see things from the perspective of a person seen as a woman. I get the edited version, but I can hear the subtext, and I know the looks.
If this isn’t a case for intersectionality in social justice movements, I don’t know what is!
I wish you safety always, Brook. I hope for our culture to change quickly enough (and I work for this with my own kids) that you WILL be unquestionably safe.
This is great!
Thank you for writing this, I really enjoyed reading it! I particularly liked the phrase “‘passing,’ which is the way in which trans people receive conditional cis-privilege by meeting and matching the expectations put on women’s bodies by society.”
I’d never really thought about what the word and concept of “passing” meant, and that sentence made me stop and think about it for a while. So thank you for that.
I’m glad. I didn’t get into it in the piece (too many different things to cover), but passing/stealth are also things that a lot of folks don’t identify with. Like, passing/stealth to some degree imply deception – when really, i’m just being perceived as a woman because I AM a woman. Which, yea. It’s tricky too for people who aren’t perceived as the women or men that they are… and it says a lot about beauty and gender performance and presentation standards that it happens.
The piece today about her being non-conforming in her womanhood is particularly resonant in this. What says “man or woman?” Anyways. Maybe I’ll write another thing
Please write another thing! Your thoughts are excellent and I would love to read more!
THIS IS REALLY GOOD. And why are tech dudes so gross? (I mean, many dudes, but tech is even worse.) (#misandry)
money. entitlement. echo chambers. they get away with it?
There’s some stuff about Codes of Conduct that @ashedryden on twitter is working on, that may help a lot.
Evolution may play a part if the ones who aren’t quit. My cousin swapped from CS to Applied Math after his first class because the guys in his class were gross and no way did he want to spend the rest of his working life around people like that.
I work at a great company now with many non-gross guys, but it’s sort of an enclave and its only that way through lots of effort and peer pressure and having a really hard time hiring people.
This is so awesome, thank you!
It’s…interesting, isn’t it, being a trans person and feeling like you’re able to spy on how members of either gender behave. At least, I feel like I understand a lot more now than I did before transitioning. I mean, I am more aware of misogyny and the patriarchy now than I was when I was living as a woman.
Thanks for sharing this!
I think I’ve been leaving a lot of bland “thanks!” comments lately on the Toast, but I really do want to say thanks to the writers for taking the time to share their experience and passion and what not and also to The Toast for publishing them. But I don’t really have anything else to add!
I found that my company was listed as covering trans-related health care in the HRC listings, but didn’t actually and gave me a ton of crap about even giving me the time off for surgery. My boss was great, very insistent, and he ended up listing the whole thing as vacation and not mentioning any other time I wasn’t in the office that year, without ever once asking for an explanation of why they didn’t want to cover my medical leave. Which is the difference being in tech: he really, really didn’t want me to quit. I have social capital in my employment I haven’t had in my non-tech jobs.
I worked for a company that ran BCBS companies in 5 states. They had a 100 HRC CEI rating but let it drop to 85 as soon as it meant that firms actually had to do something tangible like offering some plan that covered transition procedures. My Pride groups was asleep for when this new standard went into effect in 2012, probably because most were gays. I pushed on this and they formed a LGBT health benefits committee on which I served. We got two things for partners in 2013 but couldn’t get TS coverage, and we were a health company! So I left for firms whose actions back up their 100 ratings. HRC depends on you to report to HRC when companies don’t live up to their ratings. Ideally this means they will actually provide insurance, or at least not earn a 100 rating.
thank you so much for writing this. you are an incredible person. keep persevering.
thank you so much for writing this. you are an incredible person. keep persevering.