Toasties. Sometimes one just needs wine with wine. Tell me about how your Passover went! Or talk about eggs. Or your day. That works too. Happy Friday.
Tags: cocktail hour, open thread, the bartender
Toasties. Sometimes one just needs wine with wine. Tell me about how your Passover went! Or talk about eggs. Or your day. That works too. Happy Friday.
Tags: cocktail hour, open thread, the bartender
friday cat thread!
This is a place where people are welcome to come talk about their cats, past and present. Pictures more than welcome! To post a picture, follow these instructions. http://effortlessanthropologie.blogspot.co.uk/p/h…
Newbies are welcome! Open Threads can be overwhelming, so think of this thread as a good place to start your toastie journey. We have no judgements about how others care for their cats here.
Today, I give you a picture of Bonny waking me up.
and of Anne being stubborn
And I ask: What weird things does your cat do? Bonny likes to watch us pee, and Anne likes to tip bottles over and suck at the damp carpet. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzGLCgIR1Qg
My current cat situation: Nico is my baby forever, he’s about 9 months old, and then a couple of weeks ago we started fostering a pregnant stray who gave birth to 4 kittens last Saturday. Mama is named Chell, the kittens are just wiggly little tabby fuzzballs so we’re just calling them White, 50/50, Brown, and Black until they get little personalities.
Weird stuff: Nico’s kind of grown out of this but for a while he was fucking fascinated by the bathtub. If I took a bath, he’d be perched on the edge, walking around, smelling the tub, staring at the water, putting a paw on my knee so he could get down to drink the water, etc. It was like a scientific inquiry where he was trying to figure out what was going on.
KITTENS! Do you ahve any pictures of these kittens?
Yeah, Bonny’s a bath cat too. She was mostly cured of it after she fell in for the second time.
YES kitten pics! I wsa going to do kitten pics of mine this week but then I found the ones I posted first and they made me smile.
As for water – Saffron sits on my knees in the bath and pops the bubbles. She has been known to get in the shower with me as well!
My cat’s gone all weird over baths lately too. Daisy doesn’t like the water and will flee instantly if you turn the faucet on near her, but she’s started hopping into the bathtub after I take a shower. She likes to curl up on the damp shower mat? Cats, so weird.
Ok, here’s my attempt:
IT TURNED OUT SO TINY 🙁
On the bit where you click on that weird square thing and it gives you the html link, you can pick the size in a dropdown. But onthe plus side, you can click on that thumbnail and it takes you to your flickr page. They are ADORABLE (and I’ve just faved it because I love cooing over kitten pictures).
Thanks! I’ve mostly been using instagram for them (I’m mandarinmarie there as well) but I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to get a picture from instagram to here so I went back to my old Flickr account. If anyone knows how to get an instagram picture into a comment you guys shall have all the kitten pics you can stand!!
Ahhhh they are the most adorable.
Holy crapadoodle those are cute kittens. A++ would squee again.
Awww, your Bonny looks almost identical to my little boy cat! Including the proclivity towards sitting on my neck in the morning.
The girl cat is absolutely mad for having her rump patted (okay, fine, spanked) and will slowly “swim” across the carpet as you do so. She also likes to stretch out and roll the front door mat around herself like a taco. Recently I caught her chewing the curtains.
The boy cat will headbutt me on the nose when it’s time to go to bed. He has a sixth sense for knowing when the linen closet is open and will come racing to sit on the towels. Also, his tail puffs up out of excitement sometimes when we feed him his evening tuna.
Here is Monster Truck again!
And this is a picture of a time when I tried to take a picture of him on the table my grandfather made and he shook his head at the perfect time:
MT has OCD, so he chews the fur on his tail and the back of his front legs, so it looks almost like he has a rat tail. He uses the living room lamp as a face scratcher. He loves drinking out of the tub faucet.
Posessed kitty!
My cat chews her fur off as well. Do you know how or when it started?
We had Munchie for around 2 years without incident, and then we moved 1200 miles away from where we lived. She did NOT do well in the car. Soon after that, she started the obsessive licking and hasn’t stopped.
Saffron thinks she could be a sub-editor too.
Captain is an air guitar rock star.
My little sister pranked me by sending an elaborate email about how she took her cat to a professional photoshoot along with this pic.
I believed her.
I can’t seeeeeeee and I want to!
This is Rufus. He was the best cat in the universe – had him from the day he was born (his momma-cat, Katrinka, was also aces) when I was 6 or so until he passed while I was in college. My kids will tell you stories about him, because he was my best friend and therefore he is someone they know, too. (I am pathetic, but I did love that cat):
This is Patrick. He thinks he’s a dog, and gets mad when I walk the actual dog if he doesn’t get to come with us. He likes to trot along behind me for a mile or so, at which point he starts complaining, but when I pick him up he complains about that, too.
Not pathetic! I tell people all about my old (now dead) cat Olive, and how much I miss the little psychopath.
Patrick is a handsome kitty.
It’s Fiesta Friday in San Antonio so here’s my Kismet in a sombrero
Weird things she does: she refuses to cover her business in her box, she won’t sit on your lap unless you have a pillow on your lap for her to sit on, she really loves Scottish accents (if someone has one on TV she will come running from wherever she is and sit right in front of the TV)
Captain won’t sit on my lap without a pillow either. He will stand right next to me looking pained and pleading and occasionally put one foot on my thigh and take it off again, until I get a cushion, and then he will catloaf immediately.
If this picture pasting business works, this is my cat Eliza. from two Christmases ago but she looks much the same today. as you see she likes to drink cocktails and wear her santy claus hat.
Mr. Wilco has taken to getting in the tub after we shower and drinking from the faucet drips. Sometimes he misses and ends up with a nice wet head. Charlotte loves to watch me pee and menace Wilco if he is in the tub. She’ll attempt to barricade him in the bathroom and he does these amazing leaps to evade her.
I (sadly) don’t have any cats right now (apartment won’t let me) but I’m going to the pop-up Cat Cafe in New York this weekend!! http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/culture/201…
This is Moxie and Moxie’s tail. He is fascinated by liquids in glasses/mugs. If you are drinking from it, he NEEDS to at least smell it, and will grab your arm to pull it over to him. If he likes it (and he often likes it) he will do his best to stick his feet in it. He’s gotten better, but it used to be that we had to cover all glasses with a book or something, otherwise the second it touched the table there’s be dirty little kitten feet in it.
I cannot see Moxie or his tail, but I had to move from having a bedside glass of water to a bedside water bottle after I caught Saffron dipping her feet in my glass and sucking them.
Stupid Picasa. We hates it. Photo should be working now.
Do you think they like the taste of stuff sucked off their paws? Moxie does that too, even when he could just drink it straight.
He has an AMAZING tail. I think they must – Saffron nearly always paddles in her bowl rather rthan drinking it, although I’ve never seen Captain do it.
Her latest game is to empty all the water out of the bowl into the cake tin, which is there because she likes to empty the bowl, and then stand on the edge of the cake tin (which is silicone, because metal or teflon ones make hte carpet rusty when she soaks it) and let the water run out, and then paddle in the ensuing stream.
That is adorable (since I don’t have to clean it up)! Look at the concentration on her face.
That. is. hilarious.
This is so funny. My sister’s cat prefers to eat his food of the floor and flicks it out with his paws.
She does that too. I often hate her, but she is too cute to be annoyed with for long.
feet dipping- fancy! Kismet just shoves her fat head into my water glass (or coffee cup, weird caffeinated cat). The only time her paws get involved is when she is trying to get ice cubes out of a glass.
This is Rose. Rose was my childhood Cat. All of my parents previous Cats had names in Alphabetical order. They were in the D’s & Fs, when I as a seven year old named Rose Rose. (Which by the way amounts to 8 cats). I love this image. “You seem to have put a nativity scene under my lamp, I will sit here any way, and I’m not happy about it” She died the next summer after mysteriously losing the use of her back legs. And I have been thinking about it a lot because I have a friend who is going through a very similar leg use loss situation with their german shepard. My life is too transient for a new cat now, but my mom and sister have some delightful cats that I get to visit.
She was beautiful, and that is an amazing ‘what the fuck are you doing, humans’ expression.
Yay, Friday cat thread!
Here’s Munchie, yet again:
Weird things?
My orange cat (who is secretly my favourite, don’t tell) has no idea how litter actually works. He uses the box, then spends a really long time scratching a nearby surface like the wall or the toilet seat, then looks to see if that did anything. Scratches a little bit more and then gives up. He never ever actually covers anything.
My black and white chubby girl loves to lie on her back, clutch a toy with her front paws and madly pedal her back legs to kick at it. This is made more hilarious by how fat she is. When she lies down she spreads out quite a lot. I have a video of this but it’s on facebook and protected.
That’s a really common thing! Oh but with a fat tummy! I think it is supposed to break the neck of the prey. (I’ve been told?) Seems reasonable to me. My sister’s cat does that with some toys (but not the ones he likes best, which I think he considers friends).
The back-leg raking is to disembowel the prey. Wen they pick it up and shake it is for neck-breaking.
Mine do the kicky thing to their giant catnip fish. I also have a fat bastard who spreads like a puddle when he lies on his back!
Oh hey! Just got 2 kittens this week, a sister (Vin) and brother (Sazed). They are adorable and ridiculous and everything is a toy. They helped me type my original comment and then accidentally deleted it.
My Littlest Kitten (she’s actually like 5 but before we adopted her she had kittens wayyyy too young and never got any bigger than she was when she got preggo) likes to get on the shelves where we keep our pots and pans, and sometimes will knock them down in the middle of the night, even though many of them are bigger than her.
Hello, I’m new here! And I love all the kittehs. Here is a picture of my childhood catpanion, Clover. Clover was a girl cat. Until my parents told me, 5 years after she had died, that she was a he-cat. I always wondered why she had no nipples.
aw, dang it! this is what I was trying to post. Faaaaaaail. http://imgur.com/kv0uQws
Hi, Toast-friends.
Can I just do a bit of shoulder leaning?
Always.
It was a question I didn’t really need to ask, because I did already know the answer.
I have TWO shoulders available.
Double shoulders! Thanks.
*OPENS ARMS WIDE*
If I keep saying thank you to everyone this thread is going to get out of control quick. THANK YOU MINDY.
Yes. I have large shoulders, great for leaning. I’d even wear shoulder pads if that would be more comfortable.
I appreciate the commitment inherent in that. Where does one come across shoulder pads these days, even!?
Oddly enough, my mother’s closet. Want me to grab you a stylish sweater?
Only the most stylish shoulder-padded sweaters will do!
Actually, I transformed some of my mother’s sweaters by cutting out the shoulder pads and taking in the waists a bit. Can’t stand to pass on cashmere in my favorite colors. Thanks for having similar coloring and favorites, Mother!
SUP BRAH. *offers shoulder of choice*
<3
Aw, c’mere, you
What would I do without you guys? Actually asking.
This was just such a hard couple of weeks and I’m feeling so tired and worn-out and useless today.
You would do fine is what you would do, but it is nice to have a place to let down your guard and just lean on someone for a bit. I value that, too.
Heart emojis to you, my friend!
Big coloured heart ones like the ones Anne Brown just had on Twitter right back.
You’re in luck, I’m wearing a particularly comfy sweater today. Come on over.
So many good references to sweaters. I’m all in
I am wearing a huge scarf that is basically a blanket so come on over and get cozy
In my extended family, this question is phrased as “Will you be my PLP?” PLP stands for Personal Leaning Post.
And yes, we can be your PLP’s!
My daughter turns 10 today! I have been a mom for a decade. I love my daughter to bits but I am still recovering from her party last weekend. I was left alone at one point for half and hour with 12 10-year old girls. Let me tell you, by themselves they are sweet but you get 12 of these girls together and they turn into monsters.
Oh my god, I still remember my 10th birthday party as my worst birthday party ever.
My parents decided it would be a fine idea to invite 10 girls over for a sleepover. By 10pm there were already two factions on either side of the couch in the basement that refused to speak to each other. I ended up spending the night crying in my parents’ room.
That sounds surprisingly like my own 10 year old party. I think the lesson here is that girls in quantity are a dangerous thing.
Happy birthday to your daughter! (Preteen girl-packs are sheer horror. You’re a brave one).
Happy birthday to baby Leela! You are a saint for taking on a dozen preteen girls.
I PIXIED LAST WEEKEND!!!!! Selfies here: http://rebelliousjez.tumblr.com/post/83239096895/…
Last night, I decided I needed pie. Isn’t that the best way for a story to start? I wanted to make schedenfreude pie, but we had molasses, and no way was I putting shoes back on.
So, I dug through the freezer, and took stock of the pantry. Cherries. Dark chocolate chips. Leftover whipping cream in the fridge. A plan was formed.
It may not be the pie I wanted, but this is definitely the cherry and ganache pie I deserve. And it is GLORIOUS.
That hair is BAD. ASS. AWESOME.
Ah, it looks great!
High approval rating on that pixie. Love it!
Also that pie sounds delicious. I just got a single-serve buttermilk pie from the mini-mart while filling my car, and it hit the spot, but that doesn’t mean I’m not ready for yet more pie.
You are doing life right. That haircut and that pie!? Awesome!
LOVE IT! Also, your lipstick is smashing.
Hair looks fabulous and cake sounds it!
I had eggs for breakfast! And I came to work early so I can take an extra long lunch and go for a run, and then my college bff is coming to visit for the weekend. There will be much wine with wine in my near future.
yum!! and yay!!
PS i finally put your mix in the mailbox this morning, so hopefully you should receive it soon! sorry for the delayyyy
yesssssssss I am so excited!
I LOVE post-work runs almost as much as I love early-morning runs, and post-work runs are so much easier to get up for.
I have gotten up for early-morning runs exactly never in my life except when I played soccer in high school and summer training involved 7 AM “fitness,” five days a week. NEVER AGAIN.
But agreed on the post-work runs — best way to wind down from work stress/boredom!
Oof. I would hate being made to do it, that’s rough. I love it when I can actually make myself, because it just really gives me a positive start to my day. But it’s rare that I can actually get up to do it.
post work runs! you LITERALLY run away from your problems! Live Life as a Metaphor!
Engagement ring as birthday present—good idea or bad idea? Go!
*ETA By which I mean, can you propose on a birthday?
Have you discussed this extensively? Like is there even the slightest chance she/he might feel put on the spot or pressured on a day when they shouldn’t have to deal with that?
Nope, we have discussed it extensively, and it’s now just a matter of the ball being in my court to actually do it.
DO IT DO IT DO IT
Tough one! What kind of engagement ring? A funky vintage find, a sentimental family piece, a lovely wee jewellery store score? Does that even matter, come to think of it?
Absolutely a funky vintage/arty thing. She’s told me approximately what kind of design she likes, and left it up to me to find the right one.
Don’t you love it when your partner has the confidence to say “this is what I want and I believe in you to find it because I trust your taste and good sense”. Le sigh!
Sent from my iPad
Will it be in front of other people?
Is your potentially affianced expecting a proposal at some time in the nearish future?
Is your potentially affianced the kind of person who would like this sort of thing? (This is the most important question.)
No, it will be private. Yes, expecting. Yes, I think she would like it, but my actual concern is: Is she going to feel cheated out of a, you know, real birthday present? These are the things my mind thinks up.
HAH, I think you’re probably okay. Maybe get her a little (LITTLE) something extra as a “real birthday present.” Give it to her after you propose. I think it will go just fine.
Good luck and congratulations!
I agree with this. Also, yay! Congratulations!! Exciting!
This is a wise and sensible assessment.
This is a great idea, thanks! The Toast is perfect and I would be lost without it.
I like it too! Maybe you could get her two things wrapped in tiny boxes? Ring first, and then it will be “Whats could possibly be in this OTHER tiny box?” “A gift card?, A tiny well loved pocket pebble?”
A ring pop? A wee tiny book?
my brother proposed to his wife on her birthday so it would be a surprise
that seems to have worked out for them 🙂
I would think it all comes down the audience? Right. Like do they look forward their Birthday all year long? Have you set this up to be a really boring, low key birthday and then you can drop this bomb?
Another way of thinking about: how is your significant other going to retell the story of the proposal years later? Would they be into it?
Is she the type who hold birthdays as a sacred holiday and will be pissed of you piggy-back? Or is she the type who would be pissed if she knew you had the ring and were holding out?
Definitely the latter haha. She basically hates surprises.
I have previously stated to my BF that I wouldn’t want to be proposed to on a birthday or holiday but yesterday was my birthday and I was pretty seriously hoping that he would have secretly gotten my mother’s old diamond ring re-set for me (as is the ultimate plan) and it obviously didn’t happen and I was a teensy bit disappointed so I say YES, IT IS OK to give a ring as a birthday gift.
Oh, hurray! Best wishes/congratulations/good luck!
My then-partner/now-husband did, in part because he was certain* I’d say yes. In general, I feel like if there is any reasonable doubt of the recipient’s response, it’s important not to tie the proposal to any significant day to avoid muddying up the future returns of that [birthday/Christmas/New Year’s Eve] with complicated romantic shadows.
I felt a little weird about it at first, truly. Timing it for my birthday made it seem like a gift for me rather than an equal step in our relationship. But then I realized that no, he just wanted to do it as soon as he could, and that tying it to my birthday gave him a convenient date to aim for and celebrate, a day when we would be have cleared time in our schedules to be alone together, a day when a big lavish celebration with just the two of us wouldn’t alert me that something else was going on.
I say if you’re sure of the enthusiastic yes and she doesn’t have weird feelings about her birthday already (some people do), then you have a definitely maybe to go ahead on the birthday. But be sure to also celebrate the birthday: give real birthday presents, maybe plan a separate birthday event like a brunch or a party or a special cocktail in your favorite bar.
*Well, rationally certain but not emotionally certain. We had already agreed about “forever” many, many times, but we hadn’t spoken about marriage, so the actual marriage proposal surprised me into a moment of silence. Then I noticed that, even though he knew quite securely how dearly I loved him and that I was committed to him FOREVER, he was anxiously awaiting my response.
Good advice!!! We’ll be visiting her best friend a couple days afterward for a three-way birthday party (mine included), so there are standing birthday plans, but yes, I will also have a couple-y birthday thing planned, too!
Husband proposed on my birthday. We went to a family party first, and then when we were alone, he proposed.
I thought he was getting me an iPod, so I was very surprised.
First: Awesome, and congratulations, and yes. Second: My mom used to say (kind of a lot, like she was worried about this happening), that if you propose on a holiday (like Christmas) or a birthday, and you break up, the ring wearer gets to keep the ring. If you propose on any old day and you break up, that person has to give the ring back.
So, you know, not the most cheerful of sentiments, but it always made me think that the proposal should be a special thing unto itself. (Besides, what’s a bigger surprise that an half-assed birthday followed by a day-after-the-birthday proposal!)
fucking cops. fucking cops. fucking cops.
So I got them to send an officer back to my apartment a couple days post-burglary, because the night it happened they chose to spend an hour lecturing me about locking my doors rather than checking any other entry points for signs of entry, even though I told them I was awoken by banging window sounds, and I was too full of muscle relaxants and bewilderment to be anything but polite about it. So they fingerprint the untouched door and leave.
then later I find the kitchen window screen razored open and a used syringe on my kitchen floor. so I call them again and they come back to look but refuse to photograph it or call the crime scene guys back to fingerprint the place where he actually broke in, because why would you want to do that? the case is suspended and that is how they like it.
and the fucking cop stepped on my cat.
FUCKING COP STEPPED ON MY CAT. NO APOLOGIES
That will teach her not to cozy up to cops and burglars alike I hope but fuck the MPD, really.
And I need wine as much as anybody but my replacement ID hasn’t arrived yet and yesterday I got carded at the fancy wine store. I haven’t been carded in five goddamn years. I am thirty-four goddamn years old. “You don’t look it,” says the child running the place. FUCK YOU, LITTLE BOY, YES I DO. no wine for me.
I’m so sorry this all happened. Burn it all down
Can you find out how to complain up the chain of command? Do you live in a place with notoriously shitty cops where that would make no difference?
That sounds terrible. I hate the cops, but then again my city’s cops are currently needing extra Justice Dept oversight due to power abuses.
My co-worker who is a professional shouty person says I should call the office of public affairs and tell them it is just a courtesy call before I go to the media, and that if I don’t want to she will do it for me, and also that the DC police are notoriously bad at dealing with women victims of things in particular. I don’t know about that but I believe it. I want to do it but I am a little cowardly, especially because I am pretty terrible about leaving things unlocked and open and not taking care of my person when wandering around along at night, and I feel like chances are pretty good I might need to call the police again sometime, and what if they have like a permanent record file of people who are Troublemakers and not to be helped? But then again it is not like they helped me this time either.
Professional Shouty Person. I love that. Must consider adding it to my resume. Sorry for your troubles, though.
Or maybe they’ll have a record of you as a person who expects to be treated like a grown-up reporting a crime and not a sulky child to be lectured, and who escalates appropriately when they fail to do their damned jobs properly. It’s tough to predict, but it’s possible.
If I was anywhere near you, I’d swoop in with bottles of wine and a massage therapist in tow.
that is sweet! I actually do have a regular massage therapist and he said he would buy me pepper spray and give it to me next time I came in, but I have not gone back yet to see if he really meant it. I should have asked him for wine instead.
And really: get a friend to buy you a half-dozen bottles of wine this afternoon. What a fucking pain in the neck for you, and any friend would understand.
Yes, seconded! I don’t even know you and I’d bring you wine if I wasn’t literally on the other side of the country.
WHAT THAT IS TERRIBLE AND HORRIFYING AND ANGRY MAKING ALL OF IT
quick toasties everyone send this needy human all of your wine
Uggghh I’m so sorry :/
That is nasty! Your poor dumb cat, I hope she’s okay. And I hope you found some mini-mart with an apathetic old gal at the register who understands your need for booze, pronto.
SUPER SORRY you’re going through this. I don’t think complaining about THEIR failure to do their job should mean that you get subpar service in the future (though if what you have is service, I shudder to think of what their subpar service is) but I understand that it’s complicated and you don’t want to blackball yourself.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I live in DC and I have an ID and I can and will help you if you want! 100% serious.
That’s absolutely awful. Fuck all cops, seriously.
I loved this (but seriously, poor kitty! Who the fuck offends an innocent four-footed bystander and doesn’t apologize to the owner OR the wronged animal? Asshole cops, apparently).
If it helps to restore a little faith in law enforcement humanity and animal justice, I knew a K9 police officer who was called to help contain a teenage dirtbag house party. His dog was sitting quietly beside him, minding his business, when an exiting partygoer deliberately kicked the dog on his way out the door.
Oh yeah, that guy SUFFERED-officer K9 let his dog go to fucking town, all the way to Capital Multiple Bite Wound City.
A USED SYRINGE?? ewwwwwwww
Ugh, fucking cops indeed. In my experience, they could win for The Most Patronizing. RAGE.
I am so sorry they were such useless shits. That’s so horribly unexcusable.
I spent the week listening to the new Ted Leo/Aimee Mann album, and am now listening to the new Tune-Yards, and all in all this has been a good week in my music world.
Bless you, I’d been checking First Listen the last couple of days hoping that Tune-Yards would be on there, and of course had given up hope and not checked it yet today. So excited!
ted leo aimee mann WHAT!?
I’m seeing them next week!! I am beyond excited. http://the-both.com/
About a week ago I found this delightful website: http://thesweethome.com/ which goes through reviews and does lots of testing in a sort of Consumer Reports way to tell you what the absolute best thing to put in your house is, but it’s a free website instead, and it’s just perfect. Because I didn’t want to buy a Sodastream because questionable manufacturing in Israel and godawful proprietary CO2 cartridges, and now I have a fancy soda maker/carbonator thing, and I used it to carbonate a bottle of two buck Chuck Sauvignon blanc and it was perfect and I love it. Since that purchase I have also bought new sheets and a new comforter and new pillows, and it feels like I am slowly leveling up my life and acting like an adult and I love it! (My new pillows and sheets should arrive today and I only wish my comforter would as well, because, hello, warmth??)
This is great to know. THANKS!
oh, cool! I wonder if there’s a UK version (other than which.com, which you have to pay to be a member of) cause I’d like that a lot.
And well done on the new pillows and sheets! We only own threee sheets, and all but one of them are awful, because we spend our money on computer games instead.
I have been living for the past year on my nice new queen mattress with one set of pretty awful sheets and there is just no reason for that kind of nonsense, I think! I finally took the plunge because I was just so happy to have someone tell me “BUY THIS SET IT’S THE BEST YOU’LL BE HAPPY” because I get hella anxiety about medium to large purchases.
Bed linens and pillows are important, and totally worth a splurge. Thanks for the link!
Haha, I bought myself a new pillow this past Monday (and sprung to get a somewhat nice one too!) after months of punching the old lumpy one into shape, and it has totally made my week better. It has also been a help to my insomniac self to have a new negotiating tool and be able to say: “Look, if you can find a way to disengage from what you are doing and go to bed now, you can try out your new pillow!” It hasn’t fixed anything, but i think it’s helped!
Carbonated two buck chuck you say???? Hmm….
OMG Mr. BHam loves that site and loves seltzer and just bought one of those carbonators (he ALSO didn’t want SodaStream for the same reason). YAY!
This is cool! I wish they did furniture, I am terrible at buying furniture. Thank you for posting it!
Don’t forget the sister site: http://thewirecutter.com, for all tech stuff.
I’m vaguely disappointed in the wirecutter, because I want them to tell me what mp3 player to buy that isn’t an iPod. I’m sick of always having to listen to music on my phone cause it wrecks the battery life.
I’m always looking for this kind of stuff, cheers!
Oh my god I never thought of using a sodastream thing on wine! I suddenly desperately want one.
If you get the kind that’s more like a soda siphon or carbonator like the one I have http://www.amazon.com/Mastrad-A01900-Purefizz-Sod… you can basically carbonate anything! With the Sodastream machines, you have to stick with water (it might work if you use juice, but it’s prone to causing a big gross mess and it definitely invalidates the warranty.)
Update: my sheets are here, but my pillows are not? OH WELL NEW SHEETS
This is great! I’ve been putting off buying a humidifier because I have no idea what to look for. The vacuum cleaner advice looks really helpful, too. (Though it is not doing anything to help me overcome the temptation to spend $400 on a Roomba just for the amusement factor of watching a little round bot bustling around my apartment.)
They’re why I have a Lodge dutch oven instead of a Le Creuset! It’s still amazing, and it’s purple, and it was like a quarter of the cost.
this week was a rollercoaster of emotionnnn
the bad:
– i was weirdly overly emotional and cried a lot
– the guy i’ve been dating and i broke my bed, not even doing anything fun, seriously we just rolled over and the midbeam split, so now i have to buy a new bed and that involves renting a car to get to ikea and ughhh
the awesome:
– i’m gonna see the national tomorrow
– I BOUGHT TICKETS TO GO ON VACATION FOR THE FIRST TIME IN SEVEN YEARS. seven years, guys. SEVEN YEARS.
so on that note…tell me what to do in nyc. i’ve never been before. tell me everything and anything, but here are some notes that might help:
– i’m going in june and staying in the west village
– it’s a bit of a budget trip so recommendations for 17-course dinners and shopping at acne studios, fabulous as they may be, probably won’t apply
– tell me about little bookstores, yummy bakeries, weird knick knack shops, museums that don’t seem obvious, nice neighborhoods to walk around in, etc.
Go to the Cloisters!!!!! It’s part of the Met but in the north-ass tip of Manhattan in a badass reconstructed medieval cloister building overlooking the Hudson. It’s all medieval art, which we all know is the best/most hilarious kind of art. (You can go there and to the regular Met on the same ticket if you do them both in the same day, which is strenuous but doable.)
That and “go eat at that one restaurant where everything has cheese in it” are basically my only New York suggestions, so I’ll let the actual New Yorkers take over from here.
1. the cloisters sound awesome.
2. what is this cheese restaurant you speak of, it sounds like a dream come true.
This place: http://www.beechershandmadecheese.com/Locations/N…
My college roommate lives in NYC now and her current roommate is from Seattle, where this place started out, so they’e both all about it. They make their cheese on-site in a giant glass room so you can just stare at people making cheese all day long, if you’re into that, and then there’s a little restaurant in the basement level. We went at happy hour (3-7), when a bunch of their food is half-price and you can get a cocktail for $5 and it’ll be a SURPRISE (ours was cucumber and cayenne vodka, which was way better than it sounds).
this looks amazinggggg.
god, i love cheese.
If you want to stock up on cheese to take home with you (or eat while you’re there) you need to check out East Village Cheese on 3rd Ave, between 9th & 10th. Super cheap prices on quality cheeses. I always leave room in my suitcase just for cheese!
And after you go to the Cloisters, eat at Malecon, which is on Broadway & the corner of 175th, I believe.
I can’t help at all with any of that fun stuff, because I spent my first weekend in NYC in years just doing things that the 14yo was interested in (other than dragging him to NYPL / Bryant Park on the way between Rockefeller Plaza & Times Square, which was hardly out of the way.)
We ate pizza 3 times, and hot dogs from a street vendor, and spent a lot of time in the Lego store & the M&M store & just walking & looking. It was surprisingly cheap, though. We went to Top of the Rock twice (sun & stars ticket, so see the skyline once by day & once by night) & both times were aces – way better than dealing with the Empire State Building) (plus this way you can see the Empire State Building.) Oh, and got discounted day-of Broadway tickets via an app called Today Tix, which someone told me about as reliable & easy & they were very very right – no stupid lines or whatever, just bought via app & the gal w/ tickets was waiting by the box office before the show. They have non-Broadway stuff, too.
Enjoy your vacation! (And your new bed.)
thanks for the advice! i’m goin with my own mama, but since i’m 25 and she’s been before, we’ll probably be avoiding the m&m store, haha…but who knows, legos still hold some allure for me.
Omg! So not obvious museums. I’m obsessed with the Museum of the Moving image and also the Tenement Museum, both in places that are fun to walk around. Also I’ve not been yet but the Museum of the American Gangster sounds amazing. http://museumoftheamericangangster.org/
West Village is beautiful and great to walk in around itself, and for cheap food I’d definitely check out happy hours. Mermaid Oyster Bar vaguely near where you’re staying has $1 oysters and $5 beer, and Peculier Pub (Bleeker Street just south of washington square park) has tons and tons of beers for a range of good prices. Gah there are so meany good cheap eats in Chinatown too. I suggest looking up everything Serious Eats has on the subject of cheap dining in the city http://newyork.seriouseats.com/
Go to Central Park and Prospect Park! Walk around near those places! And yes the Cloisters and Fort Tryon park up there! If Governors Island is open go there and rent a bike and have a picnic! Go to Cienfuegos (slightly expensive but RUM PUNCH IN SILVER BOWLS! That’s actually not that expensive if you share among a bunch of people!). Ahhhhh there are so many good things. I’ll probably comment again with more.
ooh, this all sounds awesome! i’ve never even heard of those museums, so thanks for the heads up!
I second the Museum of the Moving Image! If you want a good meal around the museum, try Arepas Cafe for delicious Venezuelan food. If you make it to Williamsburg, the City Reliquary is small but fun, then you can head over to the Brooklyn Flea, which is not too far. Governor’s Island is also lovely; taking the East River ferry down is half the fun.
More specialized spots:
McNulty’s in the West Village if you are a tea/coffee buff
Bluestockings on the LES if you are into feminist booklearnin’
Can I please also say that yes, it is touristy, but the $25 the Met “suggests” you pay to get in is just that, a suggestion. Do not feel embarrassed about paying less because I do it all the time. They really do have an incredible collection, and if you like art museums you shouldn’t miss it.
the tenement museum is SO COOL. highly recommend.
The Tenement Museum is the shit. I’ve worked in museums and that is the best museum I’ve ever been to.
If you go to the Tenement Museum, I’m pretty sure Laboratorio del Gelato is nearby — and I would say it’s hands down the best ice-cream place in NYC, possibly the US. So good.
On the subject of desserts
Cupcakes: Butter Lane bakeries
Italian sweets: Veniero’s or DeRobertis, they’re in the same block range. I personally think Veniero’s has superior sfogliatelle and DeRobertis has better pignoli, if those happen to be things you care about.
Ice Cream: Big Gay Ice Cream (there’s one in the West Village!)
Black and White cookies: It’s a bit out of the way but Glaser’s bake shop on the Upper East Side is where I went all the time as a kid, and they are so worth it.
Cronut: Never had one, but you know, it’s a thing
Donut: Dough in Bed Stuy, Brooklyn or Peter Pan donuts in Greenpoint, Brooklyn
holy crap, sfogliatelle.
thank youuuu
(PS do you know anything about pie? i’ve heard good things about four & twenty blackbirds, but the more pie, the better)
Pie! Yes, four & twenty blackbirds is delicious. Also Bubby’s is fantastic http://www.bubbys.com/
ugh this is making me so hungry, haha.
I also just bought tickets to NYC!!! I always go without an agenda and I am ENDLESSLY AMUSED just walking around and people watching and eating all the food
Although one agenda item I do have: there is a food festival under the Brooklyn bridge every Sunday (or in Williamsburg on Saturday if that’s how you roll) called Smorgasburg that’s worth checking out: http://www.brooklynflea.com/markets/smorgasburg-d…
Also CONEY ISLAND totally worth your time if you are into day drinking/boardwalks/beaches/carnies.
(sorry I only do Brooklyn because I’m not a barbarian)
god, i’m so excited for the food. i’m from the bay area so endless options for great food won’t really be a novelty, but that doesn’t mean i’m not RAVENOUSLY EXCITED.
Yes definitely Top of the Rock over the Empire State Building!
I would check out what’s playing at the Brooklyn Academy of Music, they sometimes have cool retrospectives going on. I’ve heard the Tenement Museum is cool but unfortunately have never been. The High Line park is cool but can get crowded and you can get good/cheap food at the Chelsea Market, I think it’s called, near one of the entrances. I like the Whitney Museum too.
oh man i didn’t even think about music. this is all great, thanks!
BAM does movies!! And music. But like, a few years ago I went to a Cary Grant retrospective – they just played all his movies, in chronological order, for weeks. But if you’re into music, there’s Lincoln Center/The Met Opera for fancier things (you could get away with nice jeans/black pants and a nice top and shoes) and all types of smaller venues (I haven’t been to NYC for a show in awhile so I don’t have names off the top of my head) for more…modern? rock-pop-punk etc type of shows.
My favorite New York bookstores are McNally Jackson, Idlewild, and Crawford Doyle. McNally Jackson will be the nearest to you and is full of cute literary types (and has a cafe where you can sit to ogle them). Idlewild specializes in travel and is perfect for spending a rainy afternoon daydreaming about exotic places. But Crawford Doyle is my favorite–just a couple blocks from the Metropolitan Museum and it has every obscure novel by every woman novelist you’ve never heard of but are about to fall in love with. Also, while on the Upper East Side–don’t miss the Frick! One of the most beautiful small museums in the world.
i am soooo excited for the frick, you would not believe. thanks for the bookstore recommendations, these all sound wonderful!
Seconding McNally Jackson. And if you’re doing a bookstore crawl and starting from the West Village, don’t miss Three Lives & Company at West 10th and Waverly Place. I love that one. And if you like cheese, try Murray’s on Bleecker Street (and their “cheese bar” next door).
Also, budget some time for just wandering around the West Village and getting lost. It’s a gorgeous neighborhood. (And you will get lost, because it’s where the street grid goes to crazytown.)
I’m so excited for you to eat delicious things in NYC! I lived there for 6 years and mostly spent my time eating.
If you’re there in late June, here are some free music events:
– Rad day of everyone making music June 21: http://makemusicny.org/
– Festival of free concerts starting June 19: http://www.rivertorivernyc.com/
– Concert series Wed. nights starting June 18 in Madison Square Park. While you’re there eat frozen custard from Shake Shack, there will be a huge long line but if you only buy custard you can go in the much shorter line: http://www.madisonsquarepark.org/music
Lesser-known cool museums:
– NYC Transit museum in Brooklyn. You can sit in old subway cars from different eras!
Things to eat:
– Falafel at Taim!! Right in the West Village, and it’s the best falafel in the city. They also have excellent smoothies.
– Pizza at Motorino (it’s the wood-fired kind of pizza with dollops of fresh mozzarella, not NYC-style pizza by the slice).
– Murray’s Cheese on Bleecker St, the cheese shop of all cheese shops. You can ask to try cheeses!
– Anything at Dessert Club Chikalicious (in the East Village). Everything there is good–the cookie eclair ice cream cone filled with vanilla bean soft serve, the cupcakes (and I don’t even normally like cupcakes). Or if you feel like treating yourself to something fancy, go across the street to Chikalicious Dessert Bar, where you can get a fixed-price three-course dessert menu that will blow your mind. It’s way cheaper than a fancy dinner, because it’s just dessert, but it’ll blow your mind just as much.
– Donuts at Donut Plant.
– Eat a kouign amann from Dominique Ansel bakery. It is expensive for its size, but it’s still like $5 max and it tastes like pure butter and heaven.
OK I have to stop, have now reached critical levels of missing NYC food!
The Tenement Museum in the LES is pretty cool but a little bit expensive but all NYC museums are a little bit expensive? Also the Museum of Reclaimed Urban Spaces in the village which is either free or a <$5 donation (they are really cool and also will give you a map of all the little community gardens in former abandoned lots to go poke around in). The Highline is an awesome park that is like on an abandoned elevated train track thing, and it has an awesome beautiful view and lots of cool gardens, seating, and in the warm months little food stands mostly from places in Chelsea Market. Also if you want recs on seeing theatre stuff or how to get cheap tix, hit me up because I do that A LOT.
Get the google maps app if you don’t have it. It’s great for calculating subway stops and times and has a little compass on it so you can figure out if you’re headed the wrong direction!
Eggs. Eggs, man. I love Eggs.
My friend gave us a dozen huge gorgeous eggs from her chickens last weekend and we are almost out of them. Sad days. No more almost orange yolks for the huevos rancheros. I think tonight is the end of them and that is a sad moment.
I think we’re going to be moving into a new apartment next month in West Seattle! Very cheap rent for what we’re getting and exactly the area we want. The only real downsides are that the bus line in front of the building is going to be cut to morning and evening service in a year (fucking Prop 1 fail!), and the Mars Hill Church across the street. After we move we’re getting a dog and saving for a car, though. So. Yay!
This reminds me that my coworker brought in eggs from her chicken. Must go snag some!!
Can you have chickens at your new place? Because eggs.
It’s an apartment building, so no chickens at the new place. But, we’re going to be able to save for a house now, so that’s exciting.
Or should I say Eggsciting!?! BAHAHAHAHA!
Oh man, eggs are great! I have been soft-boiling ALL THE EGGS and putting them on top of things for dinners and it is amazing.
I sometimes think I want chickens, but then I realize what I really want is to have friends with chickens and to buy eggs from them.
Also, hooray for moving! It can be such a pain, but so worth it.
When I had a terrible month+ of Stomach Ailment (which, YOU’RE WELCOME, I will not describe further), I discovered the happy fact that apparently I will never get tired of soft-boiled eggs.
My sister used to have hens and would periodically show up with a dozen assorted eggs, all different shades and sizes. What a luxury! Our farmer’s market sells eggs nearly as lovely, which is a lot like having a friend with hens.
Good luck with the move. May I make a suggestion? Please give some thought to getting two dogs, not one. Maybe not both at once, but make two the goal.
I found two are so much easier than one. Not to mention that alone time is not what dogs were built for. They’re pack animals.
My experience is that most, if not all, bad dog behaviors are the result of boredom or loneliness. Having two dogs eliminates both.
When one must see the vet, they both go. The one on the exam table is calmer knowing her packmate is there in the room. The one on the floor at my feet is calmer than being alone at home worrying about why he is suddenly without the rest of the pack and are they coming back?
My lone, willful, abused-in-the-past dog dropped almost all bad behaviors instantly when I got him a companion. No training efforts from me. Just think about it, please?
Unfortunately we already have a cat, and we can only have 2 pets at the new place. Our cat needs a friend, and we want a dog, and all of our friends with cats and dogs have done well with cat/dog packs.
I would not get a dog without having that dog have a friend.
West Seattle is the best! Used to live right on California between the two junctions and thought it was great (but the whole peninsula is beautiful so, can’t go wrong). However, that was a few years ago so bus service was actually really good in getting to/from downtown for work. It’s been depressing to watch everything getting chipped away at when I used the bus for everything while I lived all over Seattle.
(Also, dog!)
The only hope we have is that the 21x is ramping up if the 21 gets cut, and we could get bikes to bike up and down the hill to the C line. We’re hoping Plan C (Seattle Metro) makes it. Which is a good chance since Prop 1 really only failed outside the city and November ballots typically have higher return rates for liberal issues. You know, liberal issues like not screwing over poor people?
</rant>
Preach it!
I would love to see expanded public transit and high speed rail and all those other options that would make travel easier, more affordable, less dependent on fossil fuels, etc. but digging deep into why people don’t want to do these things (lobbies/$$$, taxes, general lack of empathy since poor people should just go “get a job) can be disheartening. Even in an area like liberal Western Washington!
Oh man, I wish I still worked with my friend who has chickens because the eggs I buy from her are amazing but it’s kind of difficult to get to see her 🙁
Man, I forgot to vote & now I feel personally responsible for Prop 1 failing. At least they’ve already cut my service back as far as they can, so it won’t get worse for a while?
I wouldn’t worry about having not voted in this one. It failed by A LOT, and mostly outside of the city. Make sure to vote in November when we’ll get “Seattle Metro”, I guess?
I went on a rambling life fantasy tangent 2 wks ago and convinced myself I was going to get a few acres in Paso Robles and raise silkie chickens (have you seen these you guys? They look like muppets how are they alive?!) and have delicious fresh eggs w almost orange yolks. You can also keep them as pets in the house (allegedly, according to the internet and Tori Spelling)!
And my non cat thread update.
ow.
owowowowow.
I have hurt my neck and shoulder and I can’t move them. I am taking all the codeine based-drugs (which, on top of my citalopram make me sleepy) and applying capsicum cream regularly.
COuld someone give me a shoulder rub? It huuurts.
(there is a place in town that does clothed shiatsu massage for a fiver. I might see if I can get that done sat)
Hot water bottle? Assuming you’re past the icing stage, that is. I find a hot water bottle to be really nice on unhappy muscles.
I have a microwaveable wheat bag. That plus chilli cream might help?
It’s way past icing – I woke up like this, so I assume I slept wonky. The shoulder is a stupid joint.
Beware, that plus chili cream may be PAINFUL.
If you have any personal massagers, you can use them to non-euphemistically personally massage where the muscles are sore to relieve the tension (or like, if you are some sort of adult person who owns a fancy sharper image massagey thing that works too.)
Oh, noooooooo. I have a spot thereabouts that pinches periodically and it is awful and surprising how much range of motion one loses where the neck and shoulder are immobile. I’m so sorry.
Does an ice pack or a heat pack help? Sometimes I alternate them for some relief.
oh wow. A lot of massage places will do seated massages which are cheaper as well as you keep your clothes on, if you prefer that. I would really recommend — sometimes the muscles can hurt themselves even worse if they stay all clenched up like that for too long — best to try to take care of it right away.
Talk about eggs? I picked up Shotgun Lovesongs this week because of my intense Wisconsin-related nostalgia and there is some weird business happening with pickled eggs in there.
Anyone want to talk about this book with me? I will also take suggestions of books about small towns/the Midwest that will allow me to wallow in my homesickness.
Have you read Mike Perry’s Population: 485? It’s a book of essays about being a volunteer firefighter in a small town in Wisconsin. He is a really beautiful writer and has written other good books too, that’s just the small-towniest of them.
Oh, Mike Perry! I second that recommendation. Truck: A Love Story and Coop are pretty good, too. I haven’t read his latest one yet. Kids do get in the way of your reading 🙂
The Midwest is great. My in-laws live in northern Illinois (please forgive them), and we’re visiting as soon as school’s out for my eldest. I’m looking forward to escaping the 98F/98% humidity days that Florida dishes out in the summertime.
I walked by the cat cafe and gawked at the people waiting on line, AMA
did they all look like me
Hey now, that’s racist!
I’d say half was legitimately excited people looking for free coffee + cat time, and half were legitimately excited journalists that were a day or two late to the story. Mostly female 20-34 age group.
Did they all have cats in hand, or were they just there to watch the cats that were already in the cafe?
Watch the cats! They apparently brought in more cats today to meet the demand/put more up for adoption. And the cats didn’t seem to be uneasy. Didn’t seem loud or crazy packed. A jellicle ball, if you will.
A+ CATS reference.
Was everyone picking fur out of their food?
Didn’t go inside, but can’t imagine the DoH being happy about cats + food in the same room!
I’m going later this weekend! I know it will take forever in line and is a marketing ploy and stuff but I’m excited to see cats and I’m going with a cat-loving friend.
I did too! Might go back tomorrow if the line’s not insane, but it’ll probably be insane if today was any indication.
Augh. I volunteered to help out with a book project for a non-profit event. But everyone is working remotely and it’s super disorganized and I feel awful even just looking at the emails. And of course, everything is due on the 30th and it’s way too late to back out. Gah.
But also, my house is house-guest free for the first time in two weeks!!
Someone please write something for The Toast about how Shailene Woodley’s coven is secretly running Hollywood.
wait i want to know more about her coven and is she accepting applications
I don’t know if you saw the “quinoarmageddon” link Nicole posted yesterday, but look at this quote and tell me she is not a witch: “I could go on for hours. I make my own medicines; I don’t get those from doctors. I make my own cheese and forage wild foods and identify wild plants.”
Get in a bath and look at your body and be like, ‘Wow, thank you so much for hosting my mind and my heart,’ like as women you know, and also be pregnant with the world.
I’ve discovered that clay is great for you because your body doesn’t absorb it, and it apparently provides a negative charge, so it bonds to negative isotopes. And, this is crazy: it also helps clean heavy metals out of your body.
i’m so done I AM SO DONE
NEGATIVE DOESN’T BIND TO NEGATIVE, ALSO “ISOTOPE” OF WHAT.
I love this, but also, I hate it.
SHE IS SO NUTS I JUST LOOK ON IN CONFUSED AWE
CANADIAN UPDATE: I somehow pulled something on one side of my vagina while curling last weekend. Not my groin. Definitely my vagina. It is fine now, but there were a rough couple of days.
You pulled your vagina doing curling? Did you treat it with maple syrup? Eh? EH?
no, I rubbed some curds on it
That made me spit-laugh at my computer. Well done, Curded Beaver.
I’d make a “bring your own gravy” joke but that would be untoward.
You’re all right, no_blues. You’re all right.
And you are called hugpunch, which totally rules.
This whole thread is wonderful. 😀
This is the second curling injury I’ve heard about in like 3 weeks! What is going on, why is everyone curling all of a sudden. (Particularly puzzling because the other one was someone I know in person, here in Texas.)
What, exactly, were you holding the broom with?
Also, my Passover was good! My gf’s family was in town for the week, and the previous week we were in DC for a wedding, and the previous week my parents visited, and the previous week we had two friends staying with us. Which makes this weekend the first free weekend in a month. Looking forward to doing approximately fuck-all and playing with dog.
I complained about this in a thread a few months ago so I am obligated to follow up on it, right? I got a job!!!!! After a mere eight months of application. I’m excited and relieved and at peace with finishing up at this current job (which I’ve outgrown). Thanks for the support, Toast!
Also, if you want to cry some happy tears, may I recommend this link? http://gawker.com/adorable-dad-learns-hes-going-t…
Congrats congrats congrats!
Congratulations!!!
Huzzah and congratulations!
Congrats! This is great news!
Congratulations! We’re all excited for you!
I have a mattress question! Has anybody bought a mattress through Casper? Or otherwise bought a mattress online? Looking to save some dough and also avoid the hard-sell of a mattress store.
Thoughts, reviews, y/n feedback much appreciated!
I haven’t, but I will chime in with my constant awe that there are so many mattress stores in the world. Not complaining, as one of those mattress companies is one of my company’s biggest clients, but how are there so MANY of them? How are so many people buying mattresses all the time to support this industry?
I have often wondered this. I have experienced the sensation of being in the parking lot of a chain mattress store, and within sight of another mattress store OF THE SAME CHAIN. Seriously, a relatively talented high school baseball pitcher could have thrown a ball from one store to another. How is that even a business model, Sleepy’s?
A few years back, Apartment Therapy did a whole series on mattresses, and I remember some were specifically online. I’ve since stopped reading AT because of the catty commenters, but it’d be worth checking out.
I actually heard about Casper’s through AT! Seriously, those commenters, though.
I’ve only bought mattresses in person, so can’t help you with online suggestions, but for what it’s worth I had way better luck at Macy’s than at a dedicated mattress shop. The sales lady at the mattress shop tried to pull a SUPER hard sell on me, and ignored all of the specs. I was looking for and looking to avoid, and blew past my budget. Dude at Macy’s was super chill and actually showed me what I wanted to see.
Ooh, good suggestion! I forgot there was another option. I might have to check that out, if for no other reason than to road-test a couple things without being pressured constantly.
Coworker recently had a great experience through Macy’s as well. I bought a mattress earlier this year from Room and Board because there were only like six options, they have excellent no-upsell customer service, and it was made in my home state.
For what it’s worth, I’m pretty happy with my Ikea mattress!
I bought a Sleep Master foam mattress through Amazon, and I absolutely adore it! It’s super comfy, and it came as a (relatively) cheap package deal with a platform bed frame. I also really appreciated its appearing at my door without my having to arrange for movers or anything.
I quit my job.
I quit my job.
I QuIT My JOb.
Congratulations! What’s the next step?
:whispering:
I think I am moving back to Boston. I think I can do it.
Wow! Wow, good for you. Moving back from where?
Good for you for Making Big Decisions!
San Francisco. I am doing none of this in the right order or the Proper Grown-up Way. But I have none of the accouterments of proper adulthood anyway, so why not take advantage of my perma-semi-adolescent state and go full Dirtbag?
DO IT
I’m also making semi-adolescent dirtbag life plans for the next couple months! It seems great! I’m sure it will all be fine!
I LITERALLY HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE.
Can we add “go full Dirtbag” to the list of options along with “take to the sea”?
Oh, gods yes.
YESSSSSSSSSSSS
HAVE SOME COOKIES YOU CHAMPION
Woo! YAY!!!
Virtual fist-bumps!
Respect.
YAY!
Though I will issue a tiny “boo” at the thought of a Toastie leaving San Francisco 🙁
I’ll be here for another couple of months at least; nothing is set in stone!
We shall have to have a ToastUp before you go, if you go 😀
Janie, this seems unlikely, but IF you are driving cross country AND you detour through Texas, you can stay with me and the husband. We have guest rooms and the little dogs never get enough attention.
Oh man, that is a delightful & tempting invitation. 🙂
AMAZINg. I am so proud of you. Quitting jobs is literally the best feeling I have ever had besides zorbing.
I don’t know what zorbing is, but YES IT FEELS GREAT.
Should I apply for a job that I am barely marginally qualified for?
(namely: I am super duper organized but have no HR or bookkeeping experience and this is a kind of general organizational administration kind of job?)
Do it. 98% of admin support is stuff you learn-as-you-do, in my experience. If you’re organized you’re already ahead of the game.
This is heartening. Writing my cover letter now!
YES APPLY
I mean why not??
Janie_S is correct. Do it.
DO IT. True story: I applied for my current job even though the job description online indicated that I was probably 2-3 years behind in necessary experience. I mentioned that fact to my boss once, and he was like, “Haha, really? I don’t even remember what I wrote in that job description!” WHAT.
This is heartening to hear … I’m applying for jobs and my (arbitrary, decided-by-me) policy is: apply if I’m qualified in all ways except number of years of experience. Do not apply if they want me to have a degree I don’t have.
Yeah that was kinda my strategy too. Also prioritizing jobs that gave you an email address to send applications to, since I’m pretty convinced that no actual humans ever look at applications sent through those horrible online forms.
OF COURSE GO FOR IT
I WENT FOR IT. Just sent out my email with cover letter and resume! Attempting to not overthink it!
Now you must forget about it. Consign it to the benevolent universe and move on to other things. If it is meant for you, it will come back to you. If you never hear from them, they are the losers. Further thought of any kind is not in your interests. But perhaps you are more emotionally resilient than I am.
Blessed be this advice.
Yes. There is no reason not to apply, if they don’t think you have what they want they will just not call you. Plus 90% of the people in the world who are not Toasties suck so you’re already better than the other applicants. Ta-da!
I AM DOING IT. I am writing my cover letter now. You guys are all great, many thanks!
Yeah! Go for it.
I don’t have a citation for this (and the stats I remember seeing were broken down by binary gender but not by other demographics), but I keep running into studies saying that men routinely apply for jobs for which they are, at best, half-qualified, while women tend to apply only for jobs for which we are fully qualified.
I say if this is the only opening at this firm, apply; if they turn you down, fine, and you haven’t outwitted yourself from another current job there for which you might’ve been eligible. Does someone with more corporate experience than I have (which is to say, y’know, any?) recommend otherwise?
Corporate Experience here. No downside. Actually, it’s to your advantage to apply even when underqualified. The goal is to get an interview. Even if HR decides you’re not right for the job you applied to, they may ask if you are interested in other openings they have. You will be a known quantity the next time something related opens up.
AUGH, dudes. Fuck dudes. I’m applying for this sucker, if only out of a spirit of misandry.
I’m trying hard to take a lesson from this that is not “FUCK DUDES”, and expanding it to FUCK THIS SYSTEM that consistently tells white dudes they will be rewarded for thinking well of themselves and tells me I will only be rewarded for deprecating myself and my work.
I am trying to take some of the mantle of assurance on my own shoulders, to promote my writing without cringing self-deprecation or foot-shuffling embarrassment, and to put myself forward as enthusiastically and assuredly and even unthinkingly as I see the (mostly white) men around me put themselves forward, and wow, it. is. HARD.
And, of course, that all gets tangled up in the intersectional EVERYTHING of how I as a white cisgender apparently-heterosexual woman have my own forms of privilege, and how I can use my relative privilege to amplify other voices, and so on. We could be here all day just breaking down relative forms of privilege and oppression and and talking about how we suffer from and sometimes participate in our own systematic oppression, but I’ll just say APPLY FOR THAT JOB OKAY
This is fantastic and beautifully said. I am APPLYING FOR THAT JOB OKAY. I just wrote the fastest cover letter of my life and I am not going to obsess over it–it basically says “I’m organized, I like what you guys do, I know how my skills could help you and we should talk more!” (I’m being a bit less formal than I might otherwise because I’m pretty familiar with the company and they’re a local craft brewery and we take it easy down here.)
Like that motivational sayings post a couple weeks ago, may we all have “the confidence of of a fifteen-year-old who’s smoked pot twice talking to a fifteen-year-old who’s only smoked pot once.”
I wish you the best! I’ve been working hard over the past year or so to overcome imposter syndrome/whatever it is Elsa is Emily so eloquently expresses above that can lead to not going for things you want professionally because you don’t feel 100% ready, and so far results have been positive! At first it felt reckless and almost shockingly bold to not be self-deprecating, but it has become easier (and feels more natural) with time.
That’s encouraging to hear! I’m definitely a planner-type and don’t like to do things I don’t feel 100% ready for but I’m working on loosening up.
HEY LADIES!
I’m a bridesmaid and all the other maids are useless and the bride has very. specific. ideas. I’m at my wits end already so I humbly request brainstorming help on any of the following:
1. A Chicago-themed shower (the city, not the musical)
2. Shower activities that don’t suck
3. A Carmen SanDiego-themed bachelorette
1. I am no help here.
2. Drinks! If the people who are attending are drinking types. It helps.
3. START HUNTING FOR HATS NOW. Also if you can obtain a copy of the board game, do it now.
Wait, she wants both a shower AND a bachelorette? That’s just… not done.
I’m pretty sure every wedding I’ve been in or invited to there’s been both. Are you outside the US or are my friends and family greedy party animals???
I’m probably just too old to know what the cool kids are doing these days. It was always either/or in my group of friends, you got one pre-wedding party in the style of your choice. Oh, and one wedding dress which is apparently old-fashioned now too. I honestly don’t know how anyone can afford to do all of this.
They can’t, and spend the first 2 yrs of marriage arguing w each other about debt. Citation: Every adult woman I know w a Fairy Princess Complex
It’s pretty standard in my circles too (although they don’t do separate “lingerie showers”, engagement parties, or some of that other stuff which I’ve heard some people do).
But also, most of the bachelorettes I’ve participated in were just “let’s go out for drinks/fondue/mexican food/something low-key when everyone comes into town for the wedding”, not these marathon sessions of bar-hopping/penis cakes/”I’m the bride!” tiaras/etc. which seem to be part of the popular imagination?
For #3 I think a scavenger hunt might be the way to go?
Perfect!
Yes! With maybe clues relating to different restaurants/stores/landmarks/etc.? Vietnam/pho for dinner, Italy for gelato, the Andes mountains = buy some Andes mints at the drug store (or go to your local Ten Thousand Villages to find actual things, if you have one), Germany = find a BMW on the street and take a photo, or go to a biergarten for drinks? Etc. etc.
Yes! Love!
1. Shower on a riverboat dinner cruise! Herd people into small fenced in areas! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Union_Stock_Yards ; Serve only flaming drinks/food! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Chicago_Fire (I’m not actually much help I think)
2. See #1
3. Masks, drinks from around the world relating to where Carmen can be found, red trench coats
ah ha ha I had a pyromaniac party once to celebrate moving into an apartment with a really big 3rd-floor balcony/deck/whatever they are called, and it was great. We had a flaming punch bowl, bananas foster, baked alaska and flaming hot buttered rums for everyone. The celebratory version of Setting It All On Fire!
PS. obviously I recommend this for bachelorette nonsense parties too, why not, it was great!
(1) I could be a lot of help here, especially regarding food and drinks, but I’d have to know more about the people. Terrified, staid suburbanites? Mainstream corporate types? Adventurous foodies? (Wait. After re-reading, it’s not 100% clear if it’s a theme or if you’re actually going to be here in the city.)
(2) It’s been mentioned, but it bears repeating: drinks.
(3) If it’s Carmen SanDiego, then my take would be somwhat travel-related. There are tons of embassies or cultural centers in a pretty small geographic area downtown, and a lot of them are sort of tucked away in places you wouldn’t necessarily expect. You could also do a geographic food tour pretty easily. Many if not most of the world’s great food cultures are well-represented in Chicago.
Thank you!! A multi-cultural food/drink crawl sounds absolutely perfect!!
The shower is both in chicago and chigao-themed. If the bride were a get-together she’d be a wine and cheese party. But her inlaws (who are paying the lion’s share) are a tailgate and her own family is a sunday dinner. So I’m having trouble meshing what she would like with what the inlaws think is appropriate.
I love how you describe people. I feel like I want to go around my circle of friends and get them to label each other as parties.
My gut instinct would be to keep it downtown (less worrying for a lot of people and a good mix of restaurants that are walkable or easy access by a variety of simple transit options) and try to keep it to lower-budget places. If you did a restaurant-hopping tour, the choosier people could pick safer stuff from the app menus and other people could get a bit more daring.
If there are picky eaters, just promise them that you’ll do your best to make sure each place has a couple of pretty un-threatening options. My best suggestion is to stay off of Michigan for the most part and try to hit spots a block or two to the west. Yelp is a great resource. If you’re looking for suggestions, I can hook you up; just name cuisine and budget (e.g., $, $$, $$$, $$$$). We are hardcore foodies and used to live downtown. My wife is basically the human Zagat guide, one of the many reasons I love her so.
2. The best shower activities I’ve been a part of all have to do with celebrities. If you and your friends are the type to read Us Weekly or follow EW on tumblr you might enjoy.
-Guess which celebrity or fictional character wore this dress (faces obscured or cut out)
-How long was this couple married/has this couple been married?
IDK how to make that Chicago themed- Chicago born celebrities?
I leave in 18 DAYS for the 1,200 mile pilgrimage of madness.
I’m terrified and there is so much more to do before I go and I’m excited also but AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
I am so jealous. I have always (well, for years) wanted to do something like this. Did you work out the website stuff so I can live vicariously through you?
That is one of the many, many things still needed to do. My graphic designer guy is really great and enthusiastic, but also doing this for free so I have to pin him down in his spare time. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
YAAAAAAAAY
This is so freaking cool and I told like 3 people about it this wk. Did you decide to do a blog? Because I would read it.
It looks like I’m walking away from my dissertation. It turns out that I need a ton more research to finish it (or I have to restructure the whole thing), and in order to do that, I’d need to get another extension, go into debt, and start paying for childcare (since I would need to start working on it full time, and the part-times, family childcare isn’t cutting it). I’m waiting to hear back from the Dean about whether I can go on long-term leave (which is apparently an option). My department is backing me, and so the leave option might work out. But if it doesn’t, then I’m never going to be Dr. Westprocrasti.
The funny thing is that I’ve known for a long time that I’m not going onto the tenure-track job market (we now live close to family and my husband has his dream job: I have no desire to move again, much less work 70-hour weeks), and so it’s not like I need to finish. My ABD status is enough for teaching, and I’m on the lookout for university-adjacent jobs.
The other funny thing is that I’m thrilled to be free of my dissertation. I finally have time to bathe and see people. But it’s hard explaining it to people who only know that I’ve been working hard, trying to finish, or who think this means I would be walking away with nothing. (Okay, it’s also hard not feeling like I’ve mommy-tracked myself.)
Anyone else out there in a weird, ambivalent, post-academic place?
Yes, almost exactly your sitch, except I’m sort of sitting here wondering why I’m not feeling bad about walking away and and also why I’m not feeling partciularly good about it either.
I feel like I’m going through a breakup or something. Objectively, I can see that this move is good for me, and I’m excited about the freedom, but I also feel like I’m grieving a loss.
I think you’ve put on a finger on the feeling.
That makes so much sense. I’m glad the rightness of your path is so clear to you; it simplifies what is already a complex web of feelings.
Let yourself feel those feelings. It is a loss, not necessarily of the degree, but of the person you imagined coming out the end of this process. You’re going to be some other, wonderful, happier you instead, and that’s fantastic… but it’s okay to grieve the loss, even though this is clearly the right choice for you.
I’m someone who dropped out of grad school and enjoy my life and options without it … but it’s still so bittersweet to let it all go. And it’s so hard responding to questions asking “well, why don’t you just finish it?” And at some point … it’s just not worth it.
It is! Sometimes I see books, or read articles and think about what I could be contributing. Sometimes at my job (which isn’t remotely related to what I studied) people make flippant remarks about things I once spent so much time caring about and it sort of breaks my heart…. But really, I love vacations, and groceries, and sometimes getting my nails done, so I’m happy with the choice I made.
Yup. I stopped for a breather after having a hellish time in my MS program and it doesn’t look like I’ll be going back. I still work in science but it’s a 9-5 with no writing, working on other people’s research. I think part of it is that from within the ivory tower anything less than tenure-track is looked down on so when you make a decision that’s the best decision for you but isn’t tenure-track it’s a mindfuck.
CHEERS, CONFETTI, ALL SHOULD WALK AWAY FROM THEIR PHDS!
Sorry, don’t mean to be flippant, I know how difficult a decision that is – my husband did it. It was a hard break, but once he was free and had some perspective (which it sounds like you already do), he has been very, very happy. Like you, he didn’t need the phD to do the job he wanted to do.
And I’m not an academic, but I can relate to the feeling of mommy-tracking yourself. I’m in the midst of that now, and I am just trying to remember that I don’t owe my life or career to anyone but me. It’s hard, because our culture identifies people by their paying work and puts business on a pedestal.
Thank you! I needed the cheers and confetti. Everyone around here has been offering me condolences, but this is a good, brave, exciting step for me!
Yes! You are doing what’s right for your life, and you are doing it in an academic culture that devalues everything but one path to success. That’s badass.
Oh, then: FUCK YES YAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
because holy creepers, this is a big brave choice, and you can be happy about it!
To sum up: feel your feelings, whatever they are and even if they conflict from time to time.
Ugh, yes, similar. I’m currently trying to finish my MPH thesis (ONE YEAR after starting the thesis, and completing all other required course work) because my advisor gives vague instructions about what she wants to see, then I write my paper/fix my analysis to what she wants, then she changes her mind, rinse, repeat. I’m currently in the THIRD COMPLETE RE-WRITE of this paper, and I’m afraid to even send it to her because my sanity cannot handle another re-write.
What is even worse, I have a job that I enjoy, which I got because I completed my MPH coursework. My thesis has nothing to do with the job I have. I’m already published, so I clearly have the skills to write academically. The only thing motivating me to do this is the guilt I feel when I see ” PaigePoo, MPH” on my business cards when I don’t technically have my MPH yet.
GRAD SCHOOL IS HORRIBLE.
This is an incredibly common thing. I was just dumb enough to scrabble through grad school, but I almost walked away from the career a year or so ago. I’ve decided to give it one more go and will find something else to do if that doesn’t work out.
A friend of mine created this site (http://howtoleaveacademia.com/) dedicated to people walking away from academia. Like you, she also walked away ABD. My wife and I have lots of friends who have done similar things and they’re at least as happy, if not more so, than the people who soldiered on.
Best of luck. I don’t want this to seem trite, but the reality is that most of the rest of the world doesn’t really understand the black box of academia, nor do they especially care. A lot of people won’t give it much more thought than a person who decided to switch jobs after a few/several years. (I can totally empathize with all of the bs pressure that seems to imbue the whole process, however. It really does suck.)
Toasties can we talk herpes/hsv? My boyfriend got a positive hsv-1 result on a blood test, or as his doctor said, “the oral type.” I spent several days furreeaaaaking out (even though pretty much everyone has one type or the other, I know). Finally was able to speak to my doctor and she basically said, it’s not worth ME getting a blood test because the hsv tests are unreliable (so the fella’s test isn’t definitive) and the best diagnosis is from an actual outbreak. And then, she reassuringly told me not to freak out and she tells all her patients that it’s not a big deal and super common, etc. I have calmed down considerably but I’m still sort of not sure what comes next. I’ve been with him more than 2 years and neither of us has ever had any sort of outbreak, oral or genital, and I don’t know how this impacts sex – particularly oral sex (which I really will hold onto with my dying grasp please don’t take this away from meee) but I’m also concerned about oral–>genital transmission via oral sex.
My friend has hsv2 and said that the internet is a minefield of contradictory and wrong and uncertain information, and that herpes is under-researched. This along with what my doctor said (unreliable test, the 1 or 2 type doesn’t matter so much as where it physically manifests on your body) has me feeling very shaky. I just want some reliable source of facts or guidance or better yet, reassurance from someone else who’s been here.. help?
Hey there! My husband has semi-regular outbreaks of Oral type, and I have oral type that is usually asymptomic.
I’m gonna try to be reassuring here – it really doesn’t matter. The way it’s treated like this awful thing is ridiculous. As for how this affects sex, especially oral sex – if you are very concerned, start using those dams. But my understanding is that it is very unlikely for oral-to-genital transmission to occur if he’s not actively having a breakout right now.
Oh, and get him to take L-Lyseine. Apparently it reduces the amount of breakouts and makes the breakouts he does have less sever. My husband takes it and he went from a breakout every six months to one every two years.
Yes, take L-Lyseine! I find I’m prone to get a cold sore when I’m especially stressed/tired/run down, so during those times I up my Lyseine dose and try to stay away from Arginine-rich foods, since they can exacerbate the problem. And, seriously, it’s totally not a big deal. This is such a strange thing to me – I’ve dealt with them all my life (thanks, parents!) and I don’t remember it being such a big thing until fairly recently. I have to admit, it’s kind of a bummer to hear so many folks talking about it as if it’s this huge terrible thing. It’s inconvenient when it happens, and uncomfortable, but it’s not life or health-threatening and for me (luckily) outbreaks are super-rare.
80% of adults have HSV1; 25% have HSV2; 50% never know.
Biggest source of HSV1 – parents kissing their kids.
Even with barrier protection you still have something like a 5% chance of transmission. That being said, everyone has something, or will at some point. It’s less invasive than acne, and less harmful than HPV. It depends on whether you think the stigma and/or symptoms are worth giving up oral sex forever and ever. About the blood test thing – from what I understand, it’s not so much that it’s unreliable, as that it’s discouraged because so many people have one or the other, so pointless. If you ask for a full STI panel, you will still have to specify an HSV test, because default is to not test for a given.
In retrospect, don’t know if this was reassuring, but know that it’s really only a big deal if you let it be.
Are you immune compromised at all? I think that’s the biggest area where it can lead to complications. In which case I would advocate using dental dams (or cling film) for oral sex, because if you don’t currently have it, and you get it during a non obvious outbreak, you might get some of the neuralgia type symptoms that can be painful, even with herpes simplex. If you’re not immune compromised, you might still want to use cling film or dental dams to put your mind at ease (and to practice practicing safer sex).
Annecdotal unproven ways of controlling outbreak symptoms include: avoiding bananas or plantains (this includes banana leaves people), Arginine rich foods and poppers.
Things I’ve heard from medical practitioners about ways of reducing outbreaks include: covering up in full sunlight (sun exposure can trigger outbreaks), avoiding stress (ha!) and eating plenty of zinc (but if you start using a zinc supplement, please use one with copper in it otherwise you can get copper deficient which is extremely rare but 100% serious)
You’ll be fine! I have hsv-1 (never had a blood test but I’ve had cold sores about once a year or so since I was a little kid, as have my mom and sister) and my husband and I went on our first date 14 years ago (as of Cinco de Mayo) and he’s never had an outbreak. We figure he already has it and is asymptomatic or it’s harder to spread when I don’t have an actual outbreak than you’d think. We do lay off the kissing and oral sex when I’m actually symptomatic but that’s about all we’ve done.
Also, honestly, the sores themselves are pretty much no big deal. They hurt and are ugly but it’s one week a year, maximum. Wearing lip balm with SPF helps A LOT (I will definitely get a cold sore if I actually get a sunburn on my lips), as does doing myself with L-Lysine and using Abreva if I feel a spot that’s suspicious. I’ve also gotten pretty good at covering them with makeup–Abreva just started making these little clear stickers that cover them up so you can just slather coverup and/or lipstick over top of them.
Do not fret! I have had hsv-1 since I was a child, and if you refrain from kissing people/performing oral sex while you have an actual sore, you’re completely fine. You can of course take precautions if it makes you feel better, but honestly it’s not that big of a deal.
On your bf’s behalf, I agree with the lyseine suggested, but also know that viruses of all sorts feed on sugar (not actually the way it works – your immune system just gets hamstringed by sugar, but WHATEVER, it’s easier to remember the whole “viruses feed on sugar” thing), so if your guy has a major sweet tooth, cutting back on the sugar intake can help reduce the frequency of outbreaks and make them heal up faster when they happen.
I got it from a college roommate who used my Carmex without telling me when she had an outbreak (thanks, biotch). Twenty years in, I’ll have monthly blisters when I’m overly stressed that somehow peg to PMS, but lysine helps a bunch, as does Carmex spiked with a drop of tea tree oil. Don’t know about transmission as I’m a spinster4lyfe, but it’s easy to manage and nothing to freak out over. Best wishes!
We got eggs from someone’s rescue chickens last week and they were DELICIOUS!
I totally misread that for a moment and though that the rescue chickens were delicious. 😛
Those fresh eggs sounds wonderful!
That would really be a rescue gone wrong! Those were some ambiguous pronouns, I admit.
I want them to be chickens in little fire hats or something who rescue people from egglessness.
Rescue Chickens is the name of my new band
Toast: A year ago, I donated stem cells to my dad to fight his lymphoma. Last week they took a bone marrow biopsy, and found that my marrow is his marrow now, and there is no cancer anywhere!
I’m telling you this because now if they test my dad’s blood, it comes up female. XX. That’s right, I’ve changed a man’s chemistry into a woman’s chemistry. I am a wizard.
ALL OF THIS IS AWESOME
This is a beautiful amazing story in every way. I’m happy that your dad’s cancer is gone 🙂
every part of this is awesome—the good news of your father’s cancer-free status, and your blood-transforming witchery.
This is awesome. SO happy for you and your dad. |=)
We live in the FUTURE!!!!!
Everything about this is the coolest!
Oh my god science is amazing and this is such a happy story, thanks for sharing it!
You just won the Toastiest Toastie of the day award.
Dads, science, the inevitable rise of Woman…yep, checks out.
Cosign!
Awesome news! Science FTW.
You rock. Fantastic news for your dad!
I love every part of this! Congratulations!
I love this! I’m so happy for you and your dad and your impressive witch skills.
I don’t even know where to start high-fiving you. Everything about this is the greatest news.
Miraculous. I don’t know what else to say. Mega-wow and congratulations!
Passover was surprisingly low-key, given the quantity of drama that was lurking in the wings.
Then I took my kid to see my other kid play Carnegie Hall last weekend, which was superb. Then the orchestral kid went on a college visit, and decided for sure that he’s moving to California for the next 4 years, which is a whole thing I’m not dealing with, other than in a vague ‘mommy is proud of her accomplished child’ way.
But in the process of mingling with relatives and airplane folk and NYC dwellers, I caught the evil sinus monster that dwells in lungs and nasal cavities and makes me uncomfortably aware of how very gross our bodies really are.
On the up side, not being able to stay at work for many hours lately has meant lots of time sitting on my sofa, binge-watching Orphan Black. It’s SO GOOD, you guys. I am caught up & obsessed, and that’s not just the massive amounts of dayquil talking.
If you are okay with sharing, whereabouts in California?? Congratulations!/now you have an excuse for lots of California vacations?
Pomona, so near LA. My friend in Pasadena has been alerted that I shall be on her doorstep quite often. Also my awesome niece is at Harvey Mudd so I get to visit both of them when I go. (I have many awesome nieces, but she’s the favorite, don’t tell the rest.) (And not that my son wouldn’t be enough of a draw on his own, of course.)
Ooo that is awesome! Sounds like you’ll be taking a lot of fun trips in the next few years 😉
My Passover went well! Question: Are Passover themed parody songs a part of anyone else’s seder, or is that another one of those “things I thought were universal but actually are just a thing my family does?” The songs include but are not limited to “No seder like our seder!” “There are a few of our Passover things” and “The Frog Song.”
I totally thought I invented ‘These are a few of our Passover things’. Now I feel weird about original thought.
We don’t have The Frog Song but we sang the other two, as well as “Take Us Out of Egypt” and “Just a Tad of Charoset”
Does “Just A Tad Of Charoset” parody the Mary Poppins song?
Yep. It helps the bitter herbs go down, in an unexpected way.
We have the frog song and the Ballad of the Four Children, which is sung to Darling Clementine. Also a very loud and off-key (by my dad) rendition of “Go Down Moses.”
My email address has started sending out spam to everyone I’ve ever contacted, or someone is using my email as the sender for dumb spam. WHY IS THIS A THING. CAN IT NOT BE A THING. I AM SO MAD. And also, I don’t do questionable things on the internet and visit questionable sites? I mean, I have no idea where this might have come from and I’m annoyed, plus embarrassed. Have changed password, scanned computer, etc., but what else can one do? UGH.
New e-mail account, stat. Then send a note to everyone that the old account is dead/taken over by zombies and to block it.
D: I don’t want that to be the answer, but it might be.
I think every third person I know with yahoo emails has had this happen to them this year, and each of them has solved it by switching to gmail. It’s relentless & unstoppable & no fault of your own.
Yeah I know yahoo has been prone to this. But I use gmail anyway! Although I think my backup email might be an old yahoo address. Oh dear. Thanks.
Enable two-factor authentication for login if possible! It helps prevent your password from being the only thing that stands between you and this.
If you are on Gmail, here is how! https://support.google.com/accounts/answer/180744… Also you probably already saw this, but here’s their recommended next steps for compromised accounts: https://support.google.com/mail/checklist/2986618
How do people afford IUDs? I’m in America, I have insurance, and it”s still extremely expensive ($800?) at PP. Absolutely sure this is what I want, no doubts, etc. Genuinely shocked at how much it is.
Man, that sucks! If you’re not insured through your employer, can you change your provider/coverage (my BCBS covers them!)? Do you want it enough to work out a payment plan with PP or another provider?
I know PP and other clinics sometimes do sliding-scale things for people who are having trouble affording it, or installation payments. Is that an option?
this is probably not super helpful, but mine was 100% covered through my insurance (aside from office co-pay). I was under the impression that what with the new preventative care coverage business that was the case for everyone. I wouldn’t have been able to afford it otherwise!
That definitely should be covered by health insurance. And $800 sounds a little high – I believe mine was ~$550 for the device, and then whatever an office visit cost.
Can PP do a sliding scale with you? I think they can do sliding scale even with insurance.
Mine was about that much, because I hadn’t reached my deductible yet, and I got a loan from my mom :/
I’ve seen brochures at doctor’s offices for payment plans and stuff, but those are usually through third party companies. I had an awesome dentist who put me on a no interest installment plan once – maybe ask about that option?
yeah. i think this is my problem. I have few Medical Needs, so meeting my deductible is still lightyears away. I’ll ask about sliding scales and payment plans. Thanks all!
Mine was totally free at PP because I make a laughably small amount of money and so I am covered by the state of California’s reproductive health plan. That said, they didn’t ask me to PROVE how much I made a month, just ballpark it to them verbally….
That seems overly high. Mine was in the range of $300 for a Mirena, before insurance reimbursed me. I’m in Canada, though. Maybe our prescriptions are just cheaper all around?
I would either ask to talk about sliding scales at PP or just go in and say you don’t have insurance. Which sounds horrible, but honestly, if that’s what you need to do to get a birth control that works for your body just do it and make a nice donation afterwards.
If anyone is still reading:
Called PP. They don’t do sliding scale, don’t do payment plans.
Called PP again and got someone else. Said I didn’t have insurance, was told it would be $900-$1100.
I guess I’m just SOL until November when it’s open season for insurance. Thanks for the help, everyone!
PS- This is in NM, so YMMV.
Oh that’s a bummer, I’m sorry!
Is there another planned parenthood in your area? The only other thing I can think of is to tell them you’re unemployed, you shouldn’t have to prove it (say you aren’t collecting unemployment), and see what they say then. I’m so sorry the planned parenthood in your area is so uncooperative!!!
Maybe check with other gynos in your area? Some of them might be more flexible on sliding scale or payment plan stuff?
Mine was $0 at PP (with insurance) but it would have been $500 if I had done it in two separate appointments instead of one, I think? Like they intentionally had me do the “discussion” (? I forget what it was called, but there was an insurance-y word for it, and it meant “talking about whether you want the IUD”) and the “insertion” in the same visit, otherwise I would have had to pay for the device. It makes no sense but I paid nothing.
I went on an OKCupid date on Tuesday, and it was just “ok,” like all OKCupid dates forever and forever. Feeling “meh” about everyone is boring.
GAME OF THRONES talk please about the massive fuck up that was last Sunday’s episode?
I haven’t gotten to that episode yet (husband was away, so had to wait), but A) Being a fan of the books and book-Jamie and B) Having read the various articles about it, I’m very much not looking forward to watching it. I’ve really enjoyed the show, despite its numerous problems, and I’m worried I might not want to watch it anymore afterwards. I mean, at what point do the show’s problems tip over into deal-breaker territory?
Ughhhhhh. The thing that gets me is not only was it more or less consensual in the books (which means they made a DELIBERATE decision to make it into a rape scene), it actively works against the established character development for Jaime. Sure, he’s a dude who’s willing to push a child out of a window to keep his incestuous relationship with his sister a secret, but if there’s one thing he loves, it’s Cersei, and considering that he knows full well how awful Robert was to her and how she hated him for it, it seems baffling that he’d rape her just like Robert did.
And that’s not even getting into the fact that the guy who directed the episode doesn’t even recognize it as rape.
Yeah, the whole issue is that the creators and Nickolaj have been answering the question, “Is it rape?” Which, YES IT IS. The question should be, why on earth did you make it that way? There IS a weird sense of grayness in the books, which could have EASILY been shown in the episode. I’m also not 100% sure if it was a directorial problem or an editorial one. Either way, it is NOT in character for show!Jaime or book!Jaime. Ugh ugh ugh.
I think I would have been potentially ok with it if it was a concious decision on their part, since I think “it was rape that Jaime didn’t acknowledge as rape” is a valid reading of the scene in the books and I wouldn’t mind it if they were uncomfortable making semi-maybe-rape into something titilating, which fits their changes to Dany and Drogo’s wedding night. What I can’t get over is them calling that scene ambigious the way they filmed it.
Yeah, you’re both right, “more or less consensual” was probably an overstatement, and for sure that scene was in no way ambiguous.
I think, though, that Cersei saying “yes” at the end does complicate interpretations, and it would have been simple to do in the show. The gray areas of interpretation of events and characters are what makes ASOAIF work well, and I think the show keeps eliminating them.
I’m also not sure what turning it into a definite rape accomplishes. Sympathy for Cersei? By taking away ALL of her agency?
It really does complicate things. It’s amazing how differently the scene can read in the book: in my memory it was pretty much all consensual with a little bit of half-hearted protests on her half, and I was suprised to see how it actually was written when I reread it, while my sister read it and said she thought it was straight-up rape the whole time. They definitely could have made it far more ambiguous for the show, and I also can’t figure out why they wouldn’t.
Yeah, when I personally read that scene I read all her protests as protesting *where* they were, not the act itself (not here in front of our dead son, not here in the sept), especially considering she says things like “I’m not whole without you” in that same scene. What blows my mind is why the creators have done this *TWICE* now–taking a scene that isn’t violent and changing it to BE violent. Dany/Drogo already in the first season, and now Jaime/Cersei? It’s bizarre and it’s alarming that they feel the need to change these around like this.
I delayed on seeing it because of Easter, returned to Tumblr to find it like that Community gif where Troy sees everything on fire, and basically decided fuck that show. I’ve been feeling iffy on it lately in multiple ways and sort of….don’t care anymore. Maybe I’ll binge once the whole season is over, maybe I won’t. It pains me but I’ve also soured on the books, too, seeing GRRM basically toe the line because of all the $$$$. I’ll read them but it’ll be with a very large grain of salt.
this this this this- the show kind of dragged last season and I’ve stopped caring about most of the plot lines AND NOW THIS? Like………. maybe it’s time to let go. someone will call me when Sansa, Margaery, Dany, the girl from Downton Abbey, and Asha form a super matriarchy and melt the iron throne into something actually useful, right??
Yeah, we’re getting to the end of the really good parts of the books, as well. 4 and 5 had a ton of sloggy parts.
…And can I say I am NOT looking forward to how the show handles Cersei’s “Walk of Shame.” Jesus H. Christ.
Yeah, I haven’t even watched any of this season and I feel curiously totally fine with that. More time for Orphan Black flailing and catching up on my Netflix queue.
On a lighter note, is it bullshit that they gave Strong Belwas’s awesome duel scene to Daario, or is it TOTAL BULLSHIT? STRONG BELWAS IS THE BEST BRING BACK STRONG BELWAS
I mean, I know why they did it, but you are 100% correct. Strong Belwas is awesome, and I miss him.
I feel like the LEAST they could’ve done was make Daario take a dump on screen.
They got rid of the Battle Pooping? God DAMN it Game of Thrones!
There were LITERALLY 100s of extras in the scene. Have one of them walk out and say “IM STRONG BELWAS I WILL TAKE THE CHALLENGE!” See, I fixed it for you.
I am here to… not talk about GOT because I don’t have cable or anything BUT I deleted my OKC (/ have used it like barely except to help friends creep on people) and I keep thinking like summer! go on dates! sex! but it just all seems so …. yeah no. Like I couldn’t even get to the date part because the rest of it just drives me bonkers.
I happen to know a little bit about other online avenues if you are primarily looking for fun and games. Also all my stupid horoscopes were like GO BACK INTO ONLINE DATING IT IS A GOOD TIME (before anyone yells at me for astrology, I get it, bullshit and cold readings, please don’t be a jerk) and I’m just like, really? So I feel you, possum. I feel you.
I’m more relationship-minded these days. All my friends are getting married and it’s depressing me. I also have a male friend who is basically a substitute boyfriend, so I’m also in sort of a “must get boyfriend before he gets a girlfriend” mindset, which is STUPID, but there it is. However, all of my relationships have been people I’ve met in real life and not online first, but who knows, right?
Seriously. When I was on OKC, I was seeing a couple folks who I had ACTUALLY MET IN REAL LIFE via going alone to events! Mostly I used OKC for casual stuff.
But also… with this “I also have a male friend who is basically a substitute boyfriend, so I’m also in sort of a “must get boyfriend before he gets a girlfriend” mindset, which is STUPID, but there it is.”…. I very spookily feel you. I have a very close male friend (now roommate) who is dating a WONDERFUL PERSON who I actually really like but what I’m realizing is like I was sort of thinking our friendship would, you know… I just feel you. And I love them both but how acutely aware of my uncoupled nature is just amplified in this big ass apartment where he… never is anymore. 🙁
Yeah, exactly :/
I’ve been pretty up-front with him about how I would feel if he got into a relationship, and I think he would feel similarly if I did, too. It’s…a weird place. There’s definitely some sorts of sexual and emotional tension between us, and he will bring up the topic of boundaries apropos of nothing. It’s a hard thing to explain. However, I do feel like if I just had someone else to focus on, it would relieve a lot of those feelings for me. At least by going on dates I can have something else to focus on. I just wish something would stick.
I’ve been in an advicey mood, so please tell me to fuck right the hell off, but something about this got my hackles up and I think it is: However, I do feel like if I just had someone else to focus on, it would relieve a lot of those feelings for me. At least by going on dates I can have something else to focus on. I just wish something would stick.
Ooof. This is not what you want to hear but… sometimes when stuff won’t stick or its because MEH its because your hearthormonesskull are stuck on something else and it kinda sounds like your friend is something you are stuck on. And as someone who has fallen in love with good friends only to realize like, HELLO! you are in a relationship and not always navigated the way back out in the kindest way, I have no good advice as to how to seperate that out. But maybe something to think about. :\ also I almost didn’t want to type that and i’m just a stranger on the internet (even tho I think we are tumblr friends) but you have big hugs and god why isn’t the dating pool just better than it isssssssss / why won’t Rory Kinnear come to the states or Amy Poehler stop it with sort of cute Nick Kroll and I’ll make them drinks and pizza and finally get a good cuddle in amirite!?
I always appreciate advice! I think it’s a combination of lackluster dudes and also being stuck. I’m also not quite sure how to navigate out of it, honestly. I DO know that I am over-analytical to a fault, and if I spend too much time thinking about it, it’ll just get worse. I know that’s not the best way to solve problems, but sometimes I find if I just keep busy with other things, feelings just kind of…go away? Or at least tone down. It’s a delicate balance, wanting to spend time with someone but not wanting to fall for them too hard. And I just watched a TED Talk about vulnerability today, so that’s another thing to add to the pile of thoughts.
I guess I’m just going to try to keep my head up and go out and do fun things and meet new people. It’s spring! Everyone is beautiful and in the mood to get twitterpated!
I told my boss that I’m moving to New York (my husband’s going to Columbia for grad school), which is not necessarily the same thing as telling her that I’m leaving my job, and now everything is in some kind of HR limbo where they might let me stay on and work remotely? But maybe only for a few months? Or maybe only if I come into the office 2 days per week? They want to keep me, which, yay, because I’d have to take a pay cut if I worked anywhere outside my organization. But it might be worth a pay cut to have a job in the actual city where I actually live…
It might be great to have that security during your transition. How nice that they value your work so much they’d consider letting you work remotely!
Aw, thanks! I should mention that I work for the US government, where a weird hybrid of office politics and actual politics rules all decision-making. September is our busiest month, so if I could stay on through then, that would be great. I don’t know if I’d want to stay much longer, though– working from home is fine (I’m doing it today, in fact) but doing it full-time in a new city sounds like a recipe for hermitude to me.
I moved and kept my job because they didn’t want to lose me and do 2 days a week in the office (although I am broken at the minute and on a working-from-home full time sicknote). Things to think about – how long will the commute be? Is it doable? I get up at 4.30 on a Monday, get to work at about 8, have a shower in the office, stay on a friend’s sofa on Monday night and get home at about 8 on Tuesday evening. It is doable but TIRING with a capital tiring.
I do earn a considerable amount more staying in my job than I could in my town (I live in a little suburban place by the seaside and work in London), and working at home suits me as the other three days of the week I can close the computer at 4.30pm and be on my horse by 5.
Will there be jobs where you’re moving to? I’m a sub-editor and that seems to pretty much centre on London, other than things like local papers and magazines which recruit once in a blue moon and pay peanuts. Could you keep your job for the time being and aim to look when you’re settled?
It can be hermitifying, but 1) I am thoroughly antisocial and like that, and 2) I have my horses and friends here anyway so I don’t ‘need’ work people for a social life.
I’d be commuting to DC from New York, which is 4.5 hours away by car. Very doable if you are a highly paid lobbyist-type person who’s taking the high (“high”)-speed train and staying in hotels. Perhaps less so if you are taking the taking the Megabus and couchsurfing, which is what I’d be doing.
There are some jobs in NY for what I do, but none with the government, and it’ll be hard to give up the benefits/job security that go along with that. But it’ll probably be necessary, eventually.
The train is not so outrageously expensive if you buy tickets way in advance and do the frequent Traveler program. At least, that’s been my experience on more northerly parts of the Northeast Corridor Amtrak route. And it is so, so, so much more sane than most buses.
Maybe you could negotiate for train fare with your work?
Does anyone have a good recipe for a caramel flavored cake? Looking up “caramel cake” just gets me recipes for white cake with caramel frosting–which, while delicious, is not what I’m hunting for.
Chocolate, ginger and salted caramel muffins? http://www.domesticsluttery.com/2012/06/baking-fo…
This is a bit more ‘cake with caramel topping’ type, but looks amazing anyway – http://www.domesticsluttery.com/2014/01/dulce-de-…
Caramel lemon loaf? http://www.domesticsluttery.com/2012/09/let-her-e…
Smitten Kitchen does! I haven’t made it yet, but I trust her. Here it is!
I saw that when I was hunting! I can’t figure out if it’s just a yellow cake with caramel topping or if the cake itself is caramel-y. (Guess there’s only one way to find out, OH NO.)
Yeah, that looks like just a yellow cake. I don’t know of any recipes, but offhand I would suggest using brown sugar in a white/yellow cake – the texture will change but it will have more of that caramel note – and maybe making a very thin caramel, pricking the cake a bazillion times, and then brushing the caramel onto the cake?
I’ve been researching caramel swirl cakes so that may be a good option too. Thanks, yo! (Glad to see your/Miss Piggy’s face!)
maybe try searching either “burnt sugar cake” or “dulce de leche cake”?
here’s one: http://chickensintheroad.com/cooking/old-time-bur…
I haven’t made it, but my local ice cream shop does a burnt sugar ice cream and the flavor is AMAZING.
Burnt sugar=caramel but with water instead of butter, it looks like! That recipe looks SUPER UBER PROMISING and I will make it at once. Thanks!
oh, great! will be curious to hear how it turns out.
yes: burnt sugar is a darker/smokier caramel taste — it’s delicious.
Oh, also, does anyone else like Wye Oak? Their new album is streaming on NPR and it is GREAT and I’m seeing them on May 7th!
I looooove them but my work and home computers both suck and hiccup while streaming stuff from NPR specifically. I’ve heard a number of the songs elsewhere though. Jenn Wasner is the truth
I have seen Wye Oak so many times. They are my favorite music to play when I am driving on 95 in the dark, which is weirdly specific, but what makes me think of them.
Unfortunately today is dedicated to the Woods discography since I am seeing them tomorrow. Very important to maintain focus.
I am going on May 7 also! Very excited.
I’m seeing them on May 11! I’ve never seen them and have only heard a few songs, so it will be a new experience. Love seeing new (to me) bands live!
Are there any Toasties with an MLIS out there doing something other than librarianship? Librarians are the COOLEST, but I’m looking at grad school trying to find a way to improve my career prospects in archiving and post production, and since everyone is bitching about how we have too much data and no idea what to do with it, I was thinking a data archiving (UCLA calls it “informatics”) concentration may a good idea. But also I hear a lot of terrible things about the uselessness/expensiveness of the MLIS.
Thoughts from Masters-wielding Toasties?
I’m not done yet, but about halfway through a data curation MLIS program. I see a ton of (paid) internship opportunities, and the alumni have a pretty good job placement track record. No group work or busywork either. This is for scientific data, though, so I’m mostly looking at opportunities with the NSF/various DAACs, etc. What materials are you working with?
Hello! Scientific data, that’s SO cool! I work in film, which is a misnomer because actual physical celluloid film is disappearing faster than the polar ice caps. Even at my company, we’re constantly looking for new ways to manage the frankly unwieldy amount of data we have, and we’re a fairly small cog in a bigger machine. I can’t help feeling like too many people are still either dragging their feet on the changeover or just pretending that digital is a solution, instead of a new medium with new problems. I’d like to get a jump on that.
Where do you study? What’s your program set up like? (I have a strong distaste for group work and busywork as well.)
I’m at the University of Illinois, in their online program. (Classes are synchronous and everyone meets for a weekend each semester. It feels legit.) There are only two required courses in the whole MS program, so after you get through the initial “what is a library?” silliness, you can specialize in whatever you want. I’m taking a lot of programming/data analysis/modeling classes, and so far my experience has been (with all respect to Rallisaurus below) about as far from the other day’s library school article as you can get.
When I was first considering library school, I heard from a lot of people in the field that it doesn’t matter where you go, all ALA-accredited schools are basically the same. I DO NOT THINK THIS IS THE CASE, although it might be true if you want to be a children’s librarian or something. If you’re interested in technology or research, many ALA-accredited schools will not prepare you. The same goes for special focuses like yours; UIUC is great at many things, but I don’t think we have a particularly strong A/V program. My A/V specialist colleague did the Moving Image M.A. at NYU (not an MLIS) and it seems to be a pretty one-of-a-kind experience.
Yeah, I have a few friends in the NYU or UCLA Moving Image programs. That had been my first thought, except almost unanimously I was told it wasn’t worth it, other than the internship possibilities they bring. I’ve got a few years’ practical experience handling film, but see previous comment about celluloid disappearing faster than icebergs. That was my major (inner) argument against going that route.
How do you like (or dislike) online classes? Pros & cons?
(Thank you SO MUCH for talking to me, by the way. I feel like I’ve been getting the runaround on this with every school from which I try to get a straight answer.)
AAARGH I had a whole long thing posted, went to add a new comment on top of it, and accidentally hit “edit” instead of “reply” so overwrote the whole thing. I will add to this when I can collect myself (after lunch.)
Yay! So much more information! Thank you thank you thank you! Good luck with the rest of grad school!
Oh, does that mean you got my original long post via email and I don’t have to type it up again?!
I did. Hooray for email notifications!
I complain a fair bit about how useless my MLS was, but I’ve yet to tell anyone not to do it. Because if you want to be in the field at all you pretty much need the damn degree. It’s expensive and the actual doing of the Masters sucks, but it’s worth it. Now…I went to a public school with relatively cheap tuition and I got a bit of a scholarship, so it wasn’t prohibitively expensive. If it cost 100k then I might be singing a different tune.
I got my MLS and had a background in television and was offered an (unpaid) internship at Nickelodeon that I was unable to take because I had a (paid, boring) internship in a financial records management dept. A lot of TV stations do need librarian-like people but they don’t always seek them out. In other news, I am currently at a nonprofit doing digital collections work and I just budgeted out my expenses for the next month and it allows me to spend $11 a day…so maybe don’t do that.
$11/day is actually above my current daily budget. Upgrade!
As of yesterday, my husband is finally, completely, totally done with his master’s degree–thesis is defended, approved, stamped, diploma should be in the mail! This is a huge achievement, and I’m super proud of him. I’m also entering into a Valley of Dread because now he’s going to have to kick up his job search, and he is so, so bummed about it. I’m trying my hardest to be supportive and just be there for him, but it’s so frustrating to watch someone be so down on himself and not shake him and say, “You’re great, I know you’re great, and at every job you’ve ever had your employers have told you you’re the best employee they’ve ever had! You will find a job, a job you love! You’re just in the post-grad school headspace where you think you’re worthless, but you’re NOT, and I know because I WENT THROUGH THE SAME THING.”
But I know that even if I say this (without the shaking, and I have told him all these things before, they’re just not making a dent), it doesn’t help because you can’t force someone to have confidence. He’s going to have to learn for himself, and all I can do is watch and be there. Anyway, that’s what I’m going through, but I thought someone here might be going through the job search blues and might benefit from a stranger telling you YOU’RE AWESOME. BELIEVE IT.
Congratulations Mr. Whittingly!!
Me again with the job hunt advice. Again with the volunteer suggestion. If he has a regular gig, say, 3 mornings a week, he will feel better. He should pick a charity he likes and insist they take advantage of his expertise for free. It gives his week some structure. It gives him a sense of accomplishment. It looks good on his resume.
Again with my credentials: lived in 10 states, trailing spouse, always on a job hunt (or so it seems).
Good luck and best wishes.
Congrats to your male human!
It sounds like you are supremely wise and know exactly how support him, so I’ll just sympathize that job searching is so so so so hard and totally ruinous to delicate self-esteems. I was the biggest scaredy baby during my search and, after surviving and getting A Job, I feel much more resilient. He will too, eventually!
The best kind of Grad school is the done kind. (So far away from that myself) But oh man. My boyfriend is defending his masters and has two tentative job offers. (The research kind where they really need to hire someone, and are cobbling money / grants.) He has his good days but also has rapidly transitioned from “Why would anyone hire me?!” to 1) “Both of these are going to fall through.” and 2) “I’m going to get there and be inadequate.” I think to an extent these are worries he is expressing to me because he knows they are not really founded in fact but can’t swat them down himself. I wish I had some ideas for you. It is so frustrating to watch someone you love undervalue their abilities. You sound wonderfully supportive. Keep us posted!
MY WEDDING IS ON SUNDAY GUYS
I’M TRYING REAL HARD NOT TO SPAZ RIGHT THE FUCK OUT
HAVING TROUBLE KEEPING IT OUT OF CAPSLOCK TBH
CAPSLOCK AWAY, this is a safe space.
Here is where I remind you that EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE AND EVEN IF IT ISN’T YOU’LL GET A GOOD STORY AND A HUSBAND OUT OF IT.
Yay!!! It’s gonna be so great!! Obviously yes stress and freaking out but try to breathe because this is so exciting!!
Aw, it’s gonna be great, everyone’s going to look gorgeous and have tons of fun, and at the end of the day you and your beloved will be married and that’s all that really matters. Congratulations!
Have the best day! Remember to eat something.
My top tip is: learn how to discretely get rid of unwanted booze (if you are having booze at the wedding). People were shoving alcohol in to my hands every time I turned around.
FOR SURE remember to eat something. I requested a very few specific tasks of my best woman, and one of them was: bring me a modest plate of food and then stand there to make sure I eat it before someone spirits me off to say hello. It was absolutely necessary, as was her similar duty with a big cup of coffee early that morning.
I also provided her with a small cooler and some Gladware, which she filled from the buffet and stashed in our getaway car so we could enjoy the wedding food at our leisure later.
I LOVE that cooler/Gladware idea. Brilliant!
You are a genius.
I SO wish that cooler / leftovers thing had happened at my wedding. That’s a brilliant idea!
I had one friend in charge of giving me booze, and another friend in charge of giving me water. Plus, my husband and I chowed down on appetizers during our yichud. Worked great!
felicidades!
Swedish teenage dirtbag alert!
I am going to see We Are The Best tomorrow at the Boston Independent Film Festival and I am so excited! Swedish teenage girls being punk and starting a band! What’s not to like?
Also has anyone seen Under the Skin? From the description, it sounds pleasantly misandrist.
“A voluptuous woman of unknown origin combs the highway in search of isolated or forsaken men, luring a succession of lost souls into an otherworldly lair. They are seduced, stripped of their humanity, and never heard from again.”
I have seen both of them!! I LOVED LOVED LOVED We Are The Best, it’s the best movie I’ve seen in a long time. I will definitely be watching it again when I can.
I did not like Under the Skin at all – it’s one of those atmospheric movies where not much happens, there’s no character development, hardly any dialogue and nothing is explained. However, I’d read and liked the book before I saw the movie and wasn’t happy with how much they’d changed/how little they’d explained; and before I saw it I read about how the director filmed it “guerilla-style,” sending Scarlett Johansson out into the world to hit on random men in streets/clubs/in cars on the highway and filmed it from afar and had a bodyguard at distance and that just seems so dangerous and creepy, so it may have colored my response to it. I thought the score was good and ScarJo’s acting was good but not much else.
Yay, I am EVEN MORE excited now!
I will probably see Under the Skin anyway, but that creepiness factor is good to be aware of. Hmmm.
In semi-related news to one of my posts above, we’re thinking about buying a house! Or more like, we’ve started taking concrete steps toward home ownership! It’s terrifying!
My boyfriend is also doing this – without me financially, though, because of a variety of reasons – and it is a long arduous process, but also really fun. Or at least it was in our area, because there were quite a few houses in his price range. I imagine if you have slim pickings it’s not as great. But, because I am kind of a child, I loved touring all the different empty houses and pretending what life would be like in them. Good luck!
My partner and I are thinking about this too! It’s horrifying and wonderful! It’s allllll the money in the world going out the door!!!! However, we are also in our 20s so I’m proud of us for being Responsible Adults.
That said, I think in my heart of hearts, I want to own a house because then I can get AS MANY DOGS AS I WANT!!
No joke, according to my partner, the #1 reason we are getting a house is so that our current dog can have a friend.
DOGFRIEND. I am sure your dog has already been informed?
Any hiking Toasties about? I’d like your advice on a Mom Issue.
Basically my mom is very against me doing anything in the wilderness that requires an overnight stay. She thinks it’s unsafe. I try to tell her that statsistically I’m in more danger during the drive to the trailhead, and I try to tell her that women go hiking by themselves ALL THE TIME and NOTHING BAD HAPPENS, yet she persists.
It really bothers me, even though I know they’re from a good (if misguided) place, because what I hear isn’t, “I want you to be safe,” it’s, “I don’t trust that you can do this.” Which really hurts. But I’m not sure if it’s her problem or mine to deal with.
ETA: I’m not AGAINST hiking with someone else, but I’m not going to do it for satety, I’ll do it b/c I want to hike with said person.
Sometimes it’s not the words that are important, but the meaning. Maybe Mom is saying “don’t tell me you will be alone at night outdoors”. Maybe you need to wait and tell her after the fact: “Hi, Mom. I had a great weekend. I stared at the stars before sleeping soundly in my tent in Wilderness Reserve.” Dunno. You know her better than I do.
I think I would feel massively guilty for not telling her and not be able to enjoy myself, honestly.
I definitely want to talk about this! I’m going on a solo hike this summer (while simultaneously being a woman), and, yup, my mom is not super stoked. I’d suggest:
1. Telling her all the ways you’re keeping yourself safe. For me, that’s carrying pepper spray, arranging my resupply so that I never have to hitchhike, and having a tent so I don’t have to rely on shelters if there’s someone there who makes me feel uncomfortable, leaving my itinerary with people, and carrying a SPOT GPS device*.
2. Involving her! My mom is going to know my route, when I’m planning to check in, how I’ll sign log books. I think a lot of her fear stems not from the fact that something bad might happen–as you say, it’s just as dangerous to be a person! In the world!–but that she won’t know HOW to know if something bad has happened.
*If you’re talking about overnighters/weekend hikes that might be overkill, but, hey, maybe your mom wants to buy one for you?
I had thought about asking if she would feel better with a SPOT type device, possibly the DeLorme InReach b/c it can send texts as well as GPS tracks. And although I refuse to put mace on my keychain, I would carry bearspray if would make her feel better.
I’m a wilderness-working person and SPOTs really are amazing. I bought one for my boyfriend this winter, just for his day snowmobile trips. I’d recommend them even if you’re travelling with another person, actually, because carrying someone out of the bush is all but impossible, really, so it’s great to have a way to call for help where you don’t have to. I haven’t used the InReach because they’re a bit pricey, but everyone I’ve talked to about it says that they are even better than the SPOT Connects (the texting SPOT device).
I have to admit, though, I don’t carry a SPOT when I hike for fun. I do carry bear spray, but I’m in a really bear-y area and I’ve still never gotten to the point where I’ve needed to use it. In general, the woods are not that unsafe if you’re careful.
My 84? 86?-year-old grandfather goes on long solo hikes (usually a week or two ), and my mom and aunts bought him a SPOT device. They didn’t use to worry about him, but started to once he was over 80, and the SPOT thingy has made them feel much, much better.
Has she seen this? http://homeiswheretheinternetis.blogspot.com/2014…
I’m gonna send it to her, thanks!
Man. No advice, but sympathy. For a while I was theoretically considering doing a solo-in-the-woods-type job and my mom, who is Not A Gun Person At All, told me she would feel safer if I had a gun, which sort of floored me. So, yeah, some moms don’t like thinking of their daughters going hiking alone, I guess. Frustrating.
Yeah. I mean of all the things to get hung up on. :/
Not really a hiking Toastie, but I have a Worrying Mom who still tells me not to go out alone at night (like, ever), and “10pm is FAR too late to be taking the bus home!”. For the record, I am almost 34 and live in a city with decent public transpo, and have lived in this city over 7 years and know where not to go, because I am a smart grown-up type lady. It’s just a mom thing, they worry. I mean, I don’t know YOUR mom so it’s entirely possible she’s judging YOU and not the world but I think it’s more likely that she’s just afraid for her wee baby girl. As to what to do about it…well, I just thank my mom for her concern, when she pulls that on me, and I assure her I will be careful, remind her that she raised me to be smart, and then I go and do what I was going to do anyway.
This is what I need to work up to. It’s not great that it affects me like it does.
Maybe time will take help? I don’t know how old you are, but I’m in my mid-30’s, I haven’t lived with my parents since I was 19, and I’ve lived 3000+ miles away for the last 12 years – at first, I really wanted not just my mom’s support but her approval for everything I did. It was important to me that she be as excited about my adventures as I was, but…she’s just not that person. I’m used to it by now, and I do listen to her and I consider her advice even if I don’t usually take it, and I make sure she knows that I’m listening to her (this helps, somewhat).
It does still make me a little sad – my mom is such a fearful, worrying person and she sees so much that is terrible in the world and very little of the good or fun, and this runs so deep within her that she has a really hard time with other people doing anything even a little bit outside of the everyday routine.
Is your mom my mom? Are we siblings? Solidarity in being sad for our mom(s).
Does your mom watch a lot of local news/listen to talk radio? Because Ma Jinx does and it has definitely not helped with her paranoia. My parents are middle class white people in their 60’s in a very nice, safe suburb filled mostly with other middle/upper class white people, so they’re pretty much the group least likely to be the target of any sort of crime. But they consume all this fear-mongering media and are convinced that the Big Bad is coming to get them at all times.
Yeah, my mom watches TV news packaged for max panic. I’ve had that conversation with her but she’s not gonna change her habits. The only conversation that ever had any effect was the one where she was panicked about her own safety.
I asked her to name anyone who was more sheltered than she (from her father’s house to my father’s house, never had to keep a budget or get a job, no decisions ever, never alone, protective spouse and adult children, etc.). It brought her up short. I could actually see the fear rumination loop stop for a minute. She really thought about it.
It’s the sheltering that’s also to blame. She never had a chance to learn any confidence or skills. My sibs and I can get her to do new things by bluntly stating “I believe you can do this; you are far more capable than you realize.” Not much growth happening for her, though, at age 73 and in a culture that treats women as perpetual children.
We do what we can to raise our parents, don’t we?
Your mom is my mom, and I’m having to just tell her what I’m doing and let her be not-okay with it. She will get used to it eventually. You can’t structure your life around her fears.
The whole “I don’t trust that you can do this,” thing IS yours to deal with, but it may be worth telling her that’s how it feels when she says this stuff.
I think parents in general think of traveling alone as inherently dangerous, and are willfully blind to the fact that most random kidnappings/murders are so statistically improbable as to be nonexistent, and frequently happen in totally normal, around-town situations. The logic is somehow that you can’t avoid going to work, but you CAN avoid taking a walk in the woods, so even though the former is dangerous statistically and the latter is not, they will fight tooth and nail against the one they can ask you to not do.
And boundaries are good. Telling your parents to line up their fears with reality is good. Tell them to do some research, because you’re pretty sure they’ll find their fears can’t be backed up by any real numbers. Make them do the work, because it is not your job to dispel all the fears of someone else, even if you love them.
quick question: are we talking about your first time in the wilderness overnight ever, or your first time doing it alone ever? if it’s the former i think it might be worth trying it out with friends first. i love staying out overnight in the wilderness, but i’ve done it many times with friends and think i’m not so sure how i’d feel about doing it alone.
but back to your main issue here, i’m sure your mom’s concern is more about protecting you, but it makes me sad to hear that her attempt to control you in this area has made you feel guilty about going without telling her. while i’m sure you’re not going on a hike to prove something to her, is there a way for you to extricate the two ideas of your mother’s approval and what the accomplishment of this hike means to you? because i think you deserve the feeling of accomplishment, whatever it means to you, in doing this with or without your mom’s permission.
anyway, you have my permission!
Guys, that Michael Stewart piece from the link round up really hits home for me. I have minor (teen) step-child living in my house who regularly sees things that aren’t there, who hears things that aren’t making any noise, who has asked us about things that did not happen, who denies things that multiple witnesses say did happen (beyond normal teen deception/spaciness), but whose legal and blood parental units don’t think it’s anything beyond an ADD diagnosis plus a vivid imaginative world. Step-kiddo is not at all violent so that’s not the issue, but I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do to help them 🙁 I have no legal recourse to seek further treatment but I’m afraid once kiddo gets older and is legal themselves, we as the the adults in the room will have totally failed them. Kiddo’s grandparents and myself have spoken to my spouse (together and separately) about this on more than one occassion and spouse and other parent simply refuse to see or do anything different.
Sorry, I took this sad, sad event and turned it all about me and my home life. I read the Stewart piece needed some space to get my fears out but I felt the comment section of the link roundup was not the proper place.
Can you forward this to the other parental units? Not sure what kind of relationship you have. If you ever have any concerns their safety, or the safety of others at their hands, Baker Act. I know that may cause serious friction with your relationship, but if that’s the cost for potentially saving lives? You’re in a very tough spot, and I hope it all works out as best as possible.
Long shot, but has anyone here ever applied for permanent residency in Canada? Especially through the Canada Experience Class? I’m going through it now and would appreciate advice/motivation–I just want Canda to love me, is that too much to ask?
I wanna know, too. Have always lived in the US, but my partner occasionally gets recruiting calls from Canadian companies.
Toasties,
I have spent the past 10 days on total bedrest at the hospital. I almost posted about it last Fri., but I was still too emotional / bewildered. At 30 weeks preg, my water randomly broke (while asleep, wtf), and now I’m down for the count, till labor spontaneously starts and/or I make it to 34 weeks and they induce. Yipes. This was totally not the plan.
I’ve got an amazing hubs, all our family is being wonderful, I’ve always got company and entertainment, I’m getting great care, and I think health insurance + job is covering basically all of it. So. Things could obviously be way worse, and I’m mostly grateful and feeling very lucky to still be pregnant and be so well cared for. But I’m still scared and kind of ashamed of myself for no good reason. I just thought I would be good at being pregnant. But turns out maybe not, and preemies sort of terrify me. . .
So, please think lovely thoughts my way. I’ll also take war stories, but only uplifting ones, please. It’s been a rough few weeks.
My sister had this happen to her! Aside from being painfully bored with her bedrest by the end, she was fine and her baby was fine and now I have the best little niece on the planet. So, hang in there and you have all my thoughts and well-wishes!
This happened to a good friend of mine recently. She was having twins, and her water broke at 28 weeks. She was in the hospital until 36 weeks, when they scheduled her for a C-section. She had to have Thanksgiving and Christmas in the hospital, which was so hard.
But her boys are happy and healthy and almost 4 months old! Sending you good thoughts, my dear! Toasties are with you in spirit!
Sending good healthy vibes!! (There is a really wonderful Radiolab episode where something similar happens. It has a happy ending, if you want another family’s story to boost your spirits: http://www.radiolab.org/story/288733-23-weeks-6-d…
No pregnancies/kids for me (yet) and no horror stories but I am wishing you the best of thoughts and seconding the Sims recommendation. Similarly addicting: 2048 internet game, Yahtzee smartphone app (I think for legal reasons it’s called Dice with Buddies).
I’ll also take war stories, but only uplifting ones, please.
This request is such a smart, self-aware piece of self-care, and I applaud you for it.
I don’t have any stories, just a lot of well-wishes coming your way.
Best of luck to you, and lots of sympathy. You cannot be “bad” at being pregnant (Unless, I guess, you’re BASE jumping in the third trimester or snorting The Speed or whatever). In fact, by being on bedrest now, you’re being amazing at being pregnant, because you’re taking care of your baby.
Happy-ending story: I was a preemie at 34 weeks! Spent a little time in the NICU and was perfectly healthy ever after. Only lasting effect is I had to get a filling because the enamel on one permanent tooth didn’t form properly. Sending lots of good thoughts your way!
Thanks so much to all for the kind words and thoughts. I clearly have a lot of time for the Comments section these days. Can’t wait to listen to the Radiolab later this aft!!
SO…any horsey riders out there that can give some inspirational “you go, girl” words for a nervous rider with adult ADD doing her first 6 hour trail ride on a sensitive (but good minded) horse with some water and “OMG, OTHER HORSES!” issues?
Recipe for disaster, I know, but (1) I’ve worked with this horse for the last 18 months (Red was traumatized by violent handlers in the past and we’ve come a long way, baby) and (2) I’ve done this ride before and can anticipate some of its sketchier parts and (3) I’m riding with some really great riders who are super supportive.
Privileged problem, I know…but I’m really freaked out over it.
1) Breathe, you will be fine.
2) Red ribbon in his tail to warn other people? Stick in the middle of your trusted riders and don’t be afraid to tell others to get out of your way and/or let you past.
3) have fun, wear padded underwear (the thought of 6 hours in the saddle makes me shudder!) and take photos if it’s safe to be riding one handed and wielding a camera!
Thank you! Yeah, breathing is good, so, so good…!
My top tip is to chat away to everything and anything. Talking keeps you breathing, and if your chat is daft enough then it makes you laugh too which relaxes you, which relaxes the horse. Sing misandrist lullabies!
I am generally riding along going ‘now then pony, have you spotted Mr Tree over there? Those leaves might rustle as you go past but it’s not a tiger with a machine gun, it’s just the wind so there you go. And hello Mr Pigeon, please don’t flap up in pony’s face as we go past, oh you did, thanks a lot you bastard, now pony have you seen Mr Puddle, there are no sharks in there so you can step in him without dying’ and so on and so forth.
You feel like an idiot to begin with, but it really does help – it keeps your mind off being tense, it means you’re looking around for potential monsters which means you’re aware of them and then you can consciously remove your attention from them, which gives the horse confidence that you’ve spotted the monsters and discounted them as a threat.
OMG-the pigeon and puddle sharks-dying!
And also, awesome! I do that too! I sing and chat away (“Redski, you the best-ski, with hoofs a-goin’ trot, trot, trot” and “c’mon Redski, let’s pretend we’re looking for cattle and/or a missing kid to keep our minds off the boogeyman. That? That’s just a swampy bit, nothing to fear here, c’mon we got to find that cow!”).
And those sneaky, horse-eating turkeys and/or grouse that spurt suddenly out of nowhere and don’t get me started on large, humpy looking rocks and funny looking sticks; horse-sakes alive, y’all!
Es_Petal’s advice is great! One other thing I would say is to always stay with a familiar horse, and to definitely request a stop of Red starts to get worked up. Also take a lead rope (or two) along in case you need to get towed through the water!
We are definitely staying with familiar horses and I’ve asked my fellow riders to stay last in the pack in case of emergencies! And lead ropes are wonderful (Red has a red rope halter and matching red lead rope-can’t help it, he’s such a nice little guy who always wants to try if you show a little patience and understanding).
PS: Horse picture thread next week?
So I have a bro friend who’s on my sports team, we’ve known each other for about a year but didn’t really hang out or talk until a few months ago, when we realized we were great pals and then sat around and drank a lot and were super bitchy together. It was great, he is smart, one of the Men Who Will Be Spared, I approve of him, etc. I feel a little odd about it because he’s ten years older than I am, but it’s always been ok, plus it’s been Very Clear that we are not interested in each other. Anyway, it was great, it was very mutual, there was a lot of brunch and book recommendations and playing sports together and drinking afterwards and so much texting, mostly about dumb work things, and now suddenly it’s stopped, and I’m annoyed. Where did this come from? Why do this, bro? I’m going to let you do the slow fade via text, except that you’ve been pretty much exactly the same as usual in person. I just, what?
Is it worth just straight-out asking him what’s up? I’ve had that happen with friends before, and sometimes it’s just been a case of “life got hella busy”. Another thought – is it possible he’s just got himself a girlfriend and feels weird being friends with a lady?
Yes, that really is what I should do. I don’t like direct questioning like that (so avoidant), even though it’s not that difficult or a big deal. Put on your big girl pants, leider_hosen, and just ask him! Either one of those things is totally possible.
we’ve known each other for about a year but didn’t really hang out or talk until a few months ago
If you have only known each other a year and have only been spending lots of time together for a few months, it’s hard to know if this is just a seasonal or periodic fluctuation in his schedule, conscious or unconscious on his part.
Of course, even if that’s all it is, it’s absolutely okay for you to have feelings about that! And it’s okay to ask if anything’s up or if everything’s cool between you.
I’m just saying, even if it feels like a slow fade, it might not be. I definitely do that, too: I have periods where I’m free to hang out and talk, or to message all night long, or to plan lots of outings, and then weeks or months where I don’t have the time or the wherewithall to keep that up. It rarely has anything to do with my friends; it’s all about my own internal bank of energy and how I need to allot it.
But with that caveat in mind, you’re the best judge of how someone in your life is behaving. I’m just throwing that out as a possibility to consider. And in general, I find conversations with friends go more easily when I assume the best, ot the worst, even if the worst is actually what’s happening. Not starting out in an adversarial, guilt-inducing position helps us talk through our issues in a productive way instead of going into a mutually defensive mode.
So true! We really don’t know each other that well. I definitely do the accidental fade of low energy sometimes. I think what most surprised me is that it was so much, and from both sides, and then suddenly there was radio silence from him. I’ll try to assume the best and talk to him about it. Thanks.
Did he start dating someone recently? One of my best guy friends did this to me when he got a girlfriend.
Entirely possible. Not the most fun.
It has been a loooong week. I work at a magazine, and it’s the week we go to print. My boss (the head of the company) is notorious for asking for last minute design and text changes, and this week is no exception. And I can’t even relax much this weekend because I have a dance competition tomorrow and my dad’s birthday to celebrate on Sunday.
On the plus side, I got to have a nice long conversation with a friend last night about classical music, and he wants us to go to the SF Symphony together soon. I’m stoked.
Hey, good whatever on your dance competition! I’m sure I don’t say “break a leg” to a dancer, so what do I say?
“Break a leg” works! And thank you! Our last competition, we were against 5 other couples. Now we’ll be against 12! Here’s hoping!
Hello! Can anyone recommend any good yoga tutorials? Either online or on dvd? Im all bunched up!
Also last night wine turned on me and made me a wreck. Why wine, why?! We have had such a beautiful relationship so far!
BAM! http://acacialifestyle.com/yoga/c/282/
Ooh thanks!
Hmm, I was going to recommend Yoga Today, because they had both pay-for and free classes online, but now you have to have a membership to access anything, which is a bummer. Netflix sometimes has yoga on Watch Now, though, and they can be pretty good.
I would never have thought to use Netflix – thats so smart!
I youtube yoga classes, constantly. Lately I’ve been loving Yoga with Adriene (she has some longer classes, some shorter classes, some videos that focus only on one asana).
I also do podcasts – the Yoga Download podcast has free 20 minute yoga sessions, and they’ll sometimes post a longer class for free, as well. Lots of different styles of yoga and levels of ability.
Perfect! I had the best yoga app ever and it went and discontinued itself which was devastating.
Wedding etiquette question:
I desperately do not want to have wedding and would rather elope and later throw a party that is just a party that happens to be within a couple months of me getting married, but it’s very important to my fiancee that his family and friends be there, so I have given in despite my overwhelming social anxiety. I’d like to compromise by having us get married at the courthouse earlier that week and them doing a commitment ceremony type thing for the wedding audience. Would you be offended if you were invited to such a thing? There would be vows, but we wouldn’t pretend that it was the legal ceremony
I would not be offended, because I feel exactly the same way as you about a wedding. I think ultimately you can’t make everyone happy so just do what works for you. People will have fun at the party and that is what they will remember.
It sounds like a perfect plan, and I’d be honored to be invited to attend anything you wanted me at. If your guests don’t feel the same, they can sulk at home.
First of all: I think anyone doing anything weddingish should do what’s best and most comfortable for them. This is easier said than done, of course, but I full-throatedly support everyone’s right to whatever they want.
That said, what is the material difference between a courthouse wedding and a commitment ceremony, and, say, having a justice of the peace come to wherever you’re planning to hold the commitment ceremony? Not being critical, just wondering. Is the getting the legal stuff sort of squared away in advance something that would lessen your anxiety about having the ceremony later? Kind of like, you’re anxious about two big things ([Legal Wedding Stuff] and [Wedding-related Event With People]) and so you’d like to get LWS done and have WREWP separately?
Basically. Being the center of attention makes me feel physically ill, so I’d like to have the nice personal ceremony where I can enjoy committing to spending my life with him so I can enjoy it. I think that then ill be able to power though the WREWP like it’s a work presentation and get down to partying without feeling sad or guilty that I’ve ruined getting married.
Go for it! I mean that was really my advice regardless but thanks for the explanation. I wish you joy!
I would not be offended at all! It’s your wedding, so you should do what makes you comfortable and happy.
I actually had a fairly similar affair, except we didn’t do a second ceremony at all. Courthouse on Friday, party on Saturday. No one complained at all, as far as I know. Most people told me it was one of the more fun weddings they’d been to.
Thank you everyone! This is very heartening. I anticipate a lot of push back from his friends and family, but now I can say that a lot of smart ladies said that it was okay 🙂
I have been to that kind of thing, and the feelings that I felt were:
– thrilled to see them so happy
– touched that they went out of their way to host an event to include their friends and family
– honored to be included in that group
– plain ol’ weepy and sentimental with love and affection
– hopeful that they would like their gift
“Offended” did not come up. Anyone who would be offended by that is looking for something to be offended by, so it might as well be that.
I’ve been to something exactly like what you described and it was great! Bride and groom had their courthouse quality time the day before, then everyone came to a backyard barbecue. I’ll go to my grave never understanding why people invest so much effort into mining unhappiness from weddings. You do you, then do your PowerPoint afterwards to placate the herd. Congratulations!
If you do this, I hope that the courthouse portion will be just you two (or only close relatives). I found out that my closest childhood friend who I was still very much attached to no longer considered me a “close friend” by discovering that the wedding reception I was invited to was essentially the “afterparty”. It broke my heart. I don’t think it would have bothered me if they hadn’t invited other friends to the actual wedding.
I’m sorry that happened! I think my feelings would have been hurt as well. We’d only have parents (I’m an only child, so there’s no getting out of that) and his sisters, but since I had to convince him that you can’t only invite some ofyour cousins (wtf?), ill need to make sure he doesn’t decide he has a favorite uncle who just has to be there…
This is exactly what I did. I wanted to go to Vegas, he said no, so we had a small civil service with just our parents and grandparents, and we’re having our reception months later. I can tell you from our experience that the people who love you will understand and be happy for you no matter what.
Not offended at all! Sounds like a great plan.
Also, for what it’s worth, this is what pretty much EVERY COUPLE IN GERMANY does. You have to go to the town hall to sign the legal documents, and what you do afterwards is up to you, but it’s only legal at the town hall (or equivalent local government space).
My bestie did exactly that, only on the same day. Her affianceed, now affiwifed, HATES being the center of attention. They got courthouse married around noon with just their moms, then had a super fun about-town photo session with just their photographer (and some BEAUTIFUL photos as a result) and then showed up to get married in a very very sweet, legally meaningless ceremony conducted by one of their dads, followed by a great party. There was a very cute part of the ceremony where dad invited everyone to focus on Miss Look-At-Me, the show-off in the couple, and requested (jokingly) that nobody look at Miss Don’t-Look-At-Me, and in fact, try to pretend that she wasn’t even there. Everybody laughed.
Nobody was in the slightest bit offended. Not even me, the maid of honour, who was originally supposed to officiate. You do you!
NEW YORK MEETUP TONIIIIIIIIGHT!
7pm at RPM Bar if you’re in the book club, 8pm for general drinking purposes.
Words cannot express how happy I am that it is Friday.
there are new york meetups! what!
Yes! Come tonight if you can, or check the facebook group we’ve got going at on.fb.me/thecoterie
just joined it! probably not tonight though =/
We have a standing monthly meetup on the last Friday, but there’s other stuff happening all the time. Poke around!
Ooo! Is the meetup always at RPM or does it move around?
(they are really fun and everyone is lovely and nice!)
Um I wanna go!!
It’s tonight at 8pm at RPM Bar on the lower east side! The book club is meeting at 7, and you’re welcome to come to that as well even if you haven’t read the book (Mary Gaitskill’s Bad Behavior). The fb group is at on.fb.me/thecoterie
So other than The Hyphen Toast Dot Net, the thing on the internet that is making me happiest right now is Linda Holmes’s review of The Other Woman: “If you were on an airplane, The Other Woman might not be preferable to simply staring into your empty airsick bag, but it has enough nicely executed physical comedy that in the event you become ill, it is definitely preferable to staring into your occupied airsick bag.”
IT’S SO UPSETTING. I was (shamefully) really excited about that movie – I haven’t seen a good silly romantic comedy in a long time, and thought it might be fun. Definitely thought it would be woman-centered and pass the Bechdel test. I’m not sure why, given that they’re all fighting over/talking about a man, but I just thought maybe! Ugh.
That review was perfect, though.
I know! I was really hoping for something approaching Bridesmaids. It doesn’t seem like making a good comedy about/with women should be that difficult.
Oh gosh is it really this bad? My sisters and I have plans to see it this weekend, and assumed it would be goofy but fun, rather than just awful.
Though Right, Fellas?: The Movie as a potential movie title almost makes up for my disappointment.
That’s fucking amazing. I love clever, scathing take-down reviews way more than I probably should if I want to keep my claim to being a good person.
Being a good person is overrated.
Damn straight.
Not that I don’t already worship at Linda Holmes’s feet or anything, but yeah, this is an amazing piece of writing.
OH MY GAWD RIGHT
I think my favorite excerpt would have to be:
It does not, however, manage to pass the Bechdel test, the laughably low bar that asks these questions: (1) Does a film have two women in it? (2) Do they talk to each other? (3) About something other than a man?
Yyyyyyyup. That’s right. The Other Woman is 109 minutes long, and at no time do any of these women — including Carly and her secretary, who only know each other from work — pause for a discussion, even for a moment, of anything other than a series of dudes: Mark, Kate’s brother, Carly’s father, the secretary’s husband, Carly’s other boyfriends. It is truly, no fooling, all they talk about for 109 minutes.
I read that last night, snorting so loudly the whole way that my husband had to ask what ON EARTH I was reading. (That form of review is now officially known in our home as “A Brickleberry” in honor of my husband’s first necessarily-scathing review.)
I don’t know if anyone will see this, but I’ll give it a try…
Okay, fellow leg-having pants-wearing Toasties, where do you get your pants?
I’m of average height and around size 14 and I want pants that are work appropriate without being dress-pants. I’m trying to move away from jeans, because if I start wearing jeans to work every day now then it will end with me rolling into the office in my PJs one day.
I’m thinking of a skinny/straight silhouette, and preferably something that doesn’t stretch out after two minutes and fall off my ass. I’ve tried the new Old Navy pixie pant and I find it adequate at best. I’d rather not shell out tons of money, but I’d also like pants that don’t make me look like a demon.
Loft has a new pants sizing system which is supposed to accommodate a better range of lady legs (and butts/hips/etc). I haven’t tried them out so I can’t vouch personally, but that may be one place to check! They will definitely be work appropriate and there are lots of options that are more khaki or colored pants rather than dress pants. Also if you sign up for their mailing list, you will get a discount code literally every single week for 40%-60% off.
The only (non-jeans) pants I have that I actually really like/feel good in/can wear to work are from Loft, which is a miracle because 5 years ago none of their pants were cut to fit me. The ones I have are a nice stretchy corduroy, good colors, fitted/”skinny” cut and just dressy enough that they pass the “can I wear this to work?” test. They’re no longer in stock, sadly, but I like them enough that I’m more inclined to trust at least their stretchy/fitted pants in the future. Plus they come in Petite, which is great since I have short legs.
Oh dear- five years ago their pants fit me perfectly, and I was just planning on going there to go pants shopping again…
(On the other hand I think my butt is a different shape now…)
I always forget about Loft! But their website looks quite promising. I just have to psych myself up for more pants trying-on sessions. Which are THE WORST.
I second Loft! I’ve been living in their twill pants this spring, because they look professional but they’re softer than jeans. The colors are great and the price is right if you wait for a discount code!
I got some great corduroys at the Ann Taylor outlet. They’re bright red, but they have other colors! And I think they were $30 or $40, which is a little much, but not crazy expensive.
This was back in the fall, though, so I’m not sure if those particular cords are still around. But their other pants might work for you.
Maybe Banana Republic? I’ve had friends say good things about their pants and bonus if you can score them at an outlet
I love a pair of pants I got at the BR outlet and another pair I got from The Limited (not outlet) recently, both stores have dress pants but some that are more what you’re looking for. I’d also try the Gap, either during a sale or their outlet.
I have at least four pairs of these H&M “pants” (seriously, on the website they are the only pair of pants available that are simply described as “pants” – no “high waisted”, no “drop crotch”, no nothing) that are really side-zip trouser leggings. They have a flat front, a fake slit pocket in the back to make them look a little trousery, but are stretch cotton (twill maybe? not jersey) and fit like skinny jeans. And they cost $12.95. Honestly, come winter I will probably be feeling $12.95 worth of cold wind blowing on my legs – they are not built very sturdily – but at that price and that level of comfort I really don’t care.
If I may jump into your recommendation request with my own –
Does anyone else out there have problems with the crotches on pants being too high? Is there a go to brand/style you recommend? I’m not tall, but I can’t seem to find dress pants that don’t jam into my crotch the moment I sit down. I think this is technically called the “rise” but since we also use “rise” to describe where the waistband is I am having a hard time googling anything.
Does the problem still happen if you size up? Historically when I’ve had this problem it’s been because my butt was pulling on the available crotch fabric, and switching to a different cut or moving up a size are the only options that have worked for me.
I’m no help but thank you so much for asking this question. It’s a problem for me, too, which was exacerbated yesterday when I spent half an hour trying to tell if I was more of a turnip or more of a Shetland pony. I need pretty much all new everything, so this is extremely useful intel.
I’m a fan of NY&Company’s pants, but they might stray too far into “dress pants” territory for your tastes.
Toasties, I am thinking about treating myself to a movie tonight. What do you recommend?
CAPTAIN AMERICA.
Yup. It’s a flawless piece of art.
10/10 would see again. Er. WILL see again.
I’ve been DYING to see it again but I haven’t had the time. It’s making me very sad.
I don’t know what your tolerance is for action movies in which a cop ends crime in his city by single handedly FIGHTING EVERY CRIMINAL TO DEATH, but if that’s the kind of thing that you enjoy, I cannot recommend The Raid 2 highly enough.
Also, I’m not going to pretend that the film is feminist in the least or even comes CLOSE to passing the Bechdel test, because it isn’t and it doesn’t, but there is a character called Hammer Girl and she is an assassin that kills people with hammers and it’s the best.
Sounds like we have similar tastes in movies.
Mean Girls is on Netflix!
Or, my personal favorite chill-out-and-feel-the-love movie, My Neighbor Totoro.
Anyone else addicted to 2048? This may explain my writer’s block atm.
That game is so addicting but I am so bad at the straight-up 2048 version. I’m considerably better (but still very bad) at any version that just uses pictures, esp. the My Mad Fat Diary edition.
I’m also weirdly better at the picture versions. It makes no sense.
Right?! Numbers make everything harder.
Yes! I’m best at the doge pictures one. I think it’s just easier for me if I don’t have a visible number I’m working toward, maybe.
I like the encouraging remarks on that one, personally. It’s just more cheerful.
Use only 3 buttons. Keep the largest #’s on one corner. Get rid of 2’s asap.
seconded!
Thank you for this tip! I’ll try it out. I’ve gotten to 1024 once, but I usually get stuck at 512.
3 buttons?
Use the up, right, and left arrows–never down. That way all your highest numbers can line up on the top row because you don’t get any random 2’s above them messing up your pattern.
I didn’t even know there were picture versions! Ah so many more games to play!
Yes! But now I can pretty reliably get 2048 and 4096 is proving to be an elusive asshole. . .
I’ve gotten to 4096 and one 1024 but that’s pretty much where it breaks down for me. Eventually I make a mistake that requires me to use the fourth key because that’s the only direction to go, and it screws me.
I got 4096 last night and thought I had fallen through a hole in the universe.
So. Jealous.
yes, ugh.
i have yet to reach 2048, though. i keep getting stuck at 1024 with a sad 512 across the way.
also i cannot figure out the picture versions at all, weirdly.
totally. I finally got up to 2048 a couple nights ago and it was very satisfying, haha.
I’m going to spend the whole weekend in the sun (except for Saturday night, on which I will make a chocolate zucchini cake for my boyfriend’s dad’s birthday) and it’s going to be glorious. WARMTH. Warmth from the sky.
Chocolate zucchini cake is THE BEST
EGGS REAL TALK: The gourmet grocery store in my town has Ostrich eggs on sale for $64 each and I can’t stop thinking about them. I want to make a huuuuuge omelet or just keep one in my house I don’t know???
My family used to have emus and an emu egg would make enough scrambled eggs for 4. They were a bitch to crack though!
YOU CAN DO BOTH, bore holes in the bottom and top, blow out the egg and omelet up, then keep the shell!
I love this. Now taking donations for the GreenGrasses Buys an Ostrich (Egg) Fund!
I have to brag (even though this has nothing to do with me): my boyfriend is helping some local artists create a welding/sculpture workshop for high school kids and ALL the applicants are girls! There’s going to be a new little fleet of awesome welder chicks in my city soon! 😀
This makes me so happy.
I took a welding class once and it was so fun! Go, welder chicks, go!
I know y’all definitely want to hear more about my trivia team! We came in second place last night wooooooo we totally rule! ALSO, we have signed up to be guest hosts for one night this summer. I am super pumped to inflict all of my favorite weird trivia on the unsuspecting public.
What are your personal favorite trivia facts? Help me confound the WORLD.
This may be common knowledge, but it was kinda counter-intuitively weird to me the first time I heard it/thought about it: Reno, NV is further west than Los Angeles.
Also in geography, the distance from New York to Los Angeles is farther than Lisbon to Moscow.
Agh geography is so weird and I am TERRIBLE at it! These are both excellent facts, filing them away.
Berlin is further north than London.
Also, Orson Welles’ last contribution to film was as a voice actor for 1986’s Transformers: The Movie, in which he voiced the character Unicron.
What. I love everything about this.
I recommend that if you have really hard questions that you make the answers either true/false or multiple choice, because people don’t have fun when they feel they have zero chance of getting the answer.
Killer whales are not whales, they are the world’s largest dolphins. I used to run a marine nature house where we had a big poster of whales fo the world. I’d tell people that one of the species on that poster is not a whale and have them guess which one, people would guess almost every whale except the orcas.
Birds cannot taste “spicy” while cats cannot taste “sweet”.
Coooooooool. Animal facts are, objectively, the best kind of facts.
Ask what the two closest “living relative” species to humans are. Everyone will get chimpanzees, but no one will think of bonobos.
The Renaissance and the Aztec empire were (pretty much) contemporaneous.
Maybe a “which of these capitol cities were built on swamps?” kind of question? Mexico City, Washington, D.C….
My best friend and her husband are in town today and tomorrow. I have to work till 4, but apparently they’ve already hit up Central Park and now they’re waiting around for me in Union Square till lunch. I’m so excited that I could punch a baby. (Which is what I do when I’m excited.)
You guys, is anyone else getting an Axe Body Spray ad? I feel like maybe we are not the target demo for that particular product.
Maybe it’s all that Dirtbag Teen coverage?
I keep getting these weird ads for some coconut butter stretch mark cream? Which normally would be fine except they have a gif of a virtual woman’s pregnant belly extending and gathering stretch marks as it goes and it is weeeeiiiiirdd and awful.
I SAW THAT YESTERDAY it was very disconcerting
I’ve been getting those ads for the past two weeks, and it’s terrrrrrrible.
Ugh. My chronic fatigue issues are back and I wasn’t able to do a single day at the gym this week and I think I’m going to have to tell my trainer I’m quitting Olympic Lifting for a while (AGAIN) and thinking about it just makes me want to cry.
Super, SUPER bummed, y’all.
Sending good vibes! Chronic fatigue is THE WORST. If you can, take a nice self care weekend and be kind to yourself because THE WORST
Thanks. IT REALLY REALLY IS. The worst, that is.
I’m seeing a friend’s band tomorrow night, but it’s an early show (8-10p). Tonight it’s couch time. I’m trying to decide if I want to go ahead and meet with my beloved trainer ONE MORE TIME on Sunday so I can tell him in person or if I’m going to do it in email so he doesn’t see me cry. BLEH.
Oh, I’m so sorry! It sounds like you’re prioritizing taking good, thoughtful care of yourself, and that’s what’s important (and hard), so good work.
Thank you.
I never EVER thought I’d be sad to stop exercising. It’s such a devastating irony that I finally found something physical that I love to do, and…it’s not good for me right now.
Back to restorative yoga. SNOREWAY. =b
Oh no! Do you think l-carnitine might help? I take it for pain/fatigue issues but it’s also taken by weightlifters. Just fyi, in case you haven’t heard of it.
Hm! I’ve heard of it, but haven’t ever looked into it. I certainly shall, now. Thank you!!!
I hope it helps! It’s been ok for me, but some people find it miraculous. (I hope it’s miraculous for you!)
I just started volunteering for Planned Parenthood of NYC and I’m passing out safe sex kits at Queensboro Plaza this evening! If any Toasties want some cola-flavored dental dams then they should def drop by.
Aaaaaand I see we have a NYC Toast Meetup tonight! So I will be there directly after dental dam-giving-out (we also have wildberry and vanilla….you know you want one!)
My daughter is in NYC this weekend with her high school band. If she hadn’t already headed out to a show, I would send you a bunch of 14-16 year old Canadians.
Laundry question (Joliiiiieee I’m sending out the Clean Person bleachie bat signal!): I bought a nice fit-and-flare white cotton dress with a polyester lining a couple years ago because it fit perfectly and was on clearance. In retrospect, those weren’t good enough reasons, because the only white things I should own are t-shirts that I can Oxiclean. I’m wondering how risky it would be to wash it on cold, since it’s just 100% cotton shell, 100% polyester lining and the skirt is a-line, not tailored. I don’t think it’s a big deal if the skirt lining shrinks a little, but could I mess up the bodice if it shrinks unevenly? Has anyone ever tried this? I guess I could also cut out the lining and wear it with a slip if I screw it up.
(The dress was $15, so while I love it, it seems like it’s worth risking washing it vs. paying $10 to dry-clean it every time I wear it.)
Does the tag say “Dry Clean” (versus “Dry Clean Only”)? I have cotton dresses with polyster linings with a “dry clean” tag, and I put them in the wash inside out and either in a lingerie bag with other clothes on cold or by itself on a delicates cycle (also cold). Regulat oxiclean, detergent, etc, then I hang to dry and iron. Once in awhile I’ll take it to get dry cleaned but that’s maybe every six months or so.
Having owned similar items, I’ve had no issue with washing on cold and then hanging or laying flat to dry.
I am pretty blasé about washing instructions. I am assuming it SAYS “dry clean only”? FWIW I’d try washing it in cold with about half a cup of baking soda thrown in with the detergent. I’d use delicates cycle and maybe even put it in a lingerie bag.
Then I’d hang it to dry. But I am no Jolie Kerr.
Thanks, everyone! It does say Dry Clean Only. On looking, it’s actually 97% cotton, 3% spandex. But having some testimonials is reassuring. I use a laundromat washer with only 4 main options (cold, warm, hot, delicates of unknown temperature), but I’ll try washing it in my parents’ fancy machine with some baking soda.
I’d probably just wash it at home by hand w/Woolite, then roll in a towel to squeeze out water. Lay it out on a towel to air dry. Who am I kidding, I’d throw it in the wash with white vinegar with all my other stuff.
I wash everything in the washer, if it’s “dry clean” that just means it get thrown in a cold wash inside a pillowcase that’s tied shut. No horror stories yet.
Dry cleaning is one way to avoid those yellow pit-stains inevitable in whites.
I’ve found soaking in a concentrated oxy-clean solution does the trick for me (even on my incredibly gross white work-out tees). No bleach though- pit stains are protein stains and beach will make those yellow stains permanent.
Thanks, Beakses. I’ve seen that tip before but always assumed it was wishful thinking. But if it works for you, I will try it. You have prolonged the life of my favorite black and white dress!
Toasties, I am exhausted and having a bad body image week and all I want to do is go home and sleep for a week or so. I don’t know what’s wrong. Probably I just need more sleep.
Anyway! I am really considering switching to no pants for work anymore, just dresses and skirts. Step one, buy this dress, has been achieved.
LOVE the dress. I also do not (mostly) wear pants to work. It’s easier in the winter (leggings/tights under everything!) but I’ve been trying to be brave and go bare-legged under dresses/skirts now that it’s warmer here. Huzzah for skirts (if that’s your thing)!
that dress is so cute!
bad body image weeks suck though, but dresses always make me feel fun (and freeee) so maybe that will help!!
ALL THE HUGS, BB. And a solidarity fistbump topper. This has been a crap week for me, too, body-wise.
I loooooove those Fit and Flare dresses!
OH YEAH, I own that dress in solid purple and solid green (which, btw, I scored on sale last winter for fifteen bucks; they keep bringing it back in different colors, so if you love your dress, keep an eye on their sale section this winter) and I wear them both allllll the time. Great, great dress.
Just ride out this rough week. You’re fantastic and those voices of disparagement in your head will quiet down, probably once you catch up on your sleep.
I just need to vent for one second about the office manager at my work. She’s so annoying! We are Canadian, and every day I hear her make these crazy and ill-informed pronouncements about Canada – “we’re Canadian so we keep our word”, “in Canada, we’re so lucky that there’s no poverty”, “in Canada we don’t have to lock our doors”, “It’s so sad about all the violence in American schools, I’m so happy my son gets to grow up in Canada”. I mean, we are very lucky to live in a pretty bucolic seeming small city, but OPEN YOU EYES AND READ A NEWSPAPER WOMAN.
Can you (either out loud or, if it’s more prudent, silently inside your head) counter this with some nonsensical appropriation of the phrase? “We’re Canadian so we breathe in oxygen and exhale CO2.” “We’re Canadian so when we drive, we drive on roads.” “We’re Canadian so when we throw a pumpkin, it stays thrown!”
I don’t know, it would cheer me up. My own experience with people who are so firmly seated in their jingoistic world-view is that they won’t be talked out of it; they didn’t get here through rational consideration, so rational discussion won’t budge them.
That is what I do! (softly, in my head). I doubt it’s worth my breath to try to change her views, but sometimes I do gently mention deplorable reservation conditions, or the 50 student suicide pact in the middle school in my old East Van neighbourhood. When I do it is like she doesn’t even hear. What an amazing way to live, truly.
You, if you were me: “What are you afraid of?”
Jingoistic Office Manager: “What do you mean?”
You/Me: “I’ve never met anyone making those kind of statements who was not doing it to avoid some terrifying thought. Really, you don’t have to be afraid.”
Not as much of a nonsequitur as it seems. Or insert an actual nonsequitur. It’s fun and might make her stop.
Whoa have you done this? How did it go?!
Oh yeah. I am quite outspoken. It really does get people to be more quiet in my presence. If I can project actual kindness or concern, it doesn’t get me ostracized. But my listener is often offended because I often just plain don’t like them and it shows through. Still working on actually caring about fearful people. Not easy, as fearful people made my childhood hellish. Yeah, that’s my shoulder with the chip.
I never considered she was talking from a place of fear – that’s really interesting, and you’ve given me something to think about this afternoon. Thanks!
Oh man! Send her to me! I love pissing smug Canadians off (I’m an immigrant but truthfully I’ve been here longer than anywhere else, so mostly Canadian). I can go on about the Tar Sands, the residential schools, the housing crisis for native Canadians, access to abortion in the Maritimes, etc. All the dirty laundry.
This sounds vaguely like a “League of Ordinary Ladies” cartoon, but I was running late this morning and sure I would miss the train. The plan was to get a cup of coffee on the way to the station, but the subway was due to arrive in three minutes and I was still four blocks away. An old man on a bench outside watched me look at my watch, then the coffee shop, and said, “Go ahead, make time for yourself.” I wished him a nice day but didn’t take his advice. Sprinted to the train instead. The subway pulled in at the EXACT SAME MOMENT I got to the platform, hooray!
I felt like a superhero for a minute (and treated myself to coffee later in the morning). What tiny, ordinary thing went right for you this week?
What a nice thing to hear from a stranger.
Wasn’t he sweet?
awwwwwww yeah you control the traaaaaaaaaains!
Yesterday only luck and quick reflexes saved me from being side swiped by a cop car!
I was riding my bike in a separated bike lane, with several blinking lights. Was right beside the car, as far as I could see he didn’t signal, but even that’s beside the point.
He just very abruptly decided to pull over. Right into me. I had to swerve up onto the sidewalk. And then stop for a minute to shriek and curse and get my heart back to normal levels. He glanced at me like he gave no fucks at all and then drove off again.
It’s no wonder drivers in this city give no fucks about bike lanes and like to use them for parking.
I’d like to think I’d call it in as attempted manslaughter, or at least aggravated assault, but maybe not…
I did take down his car # and license plate. But mostly to make myself feel better, I’m probably too chicken to actually do anything other than complain bitterly on twitter.
No! Please don’t! What city are you in? I know a bunch of folks in bike advocacy and would love for you to get in touch with them as it is their JOB to help people who this shit happens to, which is way too often. Also I’m sorry, I don’t want to police your feelings either because ugh biking! being a lady! cops fucking cops! But feel free to email or ask here, and I can see if I know someone?
Unrelated story: biking to the pool couple summers ago on a main drag, wearing white tank top (hanes style) and jean shorts over my one piece on my single speed. Cop comes up next to me, does the up and down out his window and goes, hey baby think I can get a ride? UGHHHHHHHHHHHH.
I’m in Toronto!
And my feelings are fuck everyone who doesn’t think cyclists deserve to use roads too. Fuck careless assholes. And fuck entitled jerks who know they’ll get away with doing whatever.
But my feelings are bad at translating into action.
WORD. lemme poke around (I’m in the States and thus the WORST, but I’d be happy to ask around) but I’m sorry that happened to you and the entitlement thing AAAAH. I’m on tumblr/interwebs if you need any more biking support! (riotsandhonors.tumblr.com)
What! This basically happened to me last year! Also in Toronto. I didn’t report because I’m an angry lady immigrant but maybe you should, just because.
I was riding along Bloor Street (specifically for all the creepers keeping track at home) between Palmerston and Christie. A cop car pulled alongside me for a while, very close to my personal bike space, then drove ahead, then parked. As I was about to pass by him, I suddenly thought, that fucking cop (sorry, G20 survivor) is going to door me.
Sure as shit, as I pass him, he flings open the door. Luckily, the sweet baby Jesus kept me from injury, and I pulled my right leg out of the way, enough so that the door hit my insanely sturdy frame, and rebounded back onto him. I then screamed, “Serve and protect, you fucking sack of shit,” gave him the finger, and biked off before I could be arrested. (Like I said, immigrant.) Trust me when I say the Toronto cops are dangerous and notoriously bad with bikes. I might report them if you’re a white lady citizen with no record/previous encounters with them.
I had a job interview for a job I REALLY REALLY WANT, in my field, permanent, with full benefits, and one of the good pension plans, and 3 weeks vacation! And I find out early next week if I make it to the next round.
If you feel so inclined, cross your fingers for me! In the mean time I’m going to over-analyse everything about the interview and dying of anxiety.
I am having a french-themed dinner party on Sunday though, with scallops in beurre blanc, and coq au vin, and clafouti. So preparing for that will be a pleasant distration, at least.
QI (a British trivia game show featuring National Treasure Stephen Fry) taught me that most employers can decide within the first 8 seconds of an interview whether they want to hire you. Sooooo… maybe just analyze that part!
I am trying to allow myself a narrow window of post-whatever analysis. I let myself mull over my own presentation or proposal long enough to determine: am I happy with it? Did I make any notable missteps? How will I prevent/correct those in the future?
And then I force myself to move on, put it behind me, take up the next [whatever]. It is done, it is over, it is out of my hands, and I cannot change it, so I should not agonize over it. (I still totally do agonize over it, but much less than I used to.)
Good luck!! That dinner party sounds amazing; have fun!
crossing my fingers ON BOTH HANDS
you’re in a shoe in
Consider them crossed! And also I will not be crouched outside your window during your dinner party, fogging up your windowpanes with my tempted breath as I watch you dish out coq au vin.
… what, I said I wouldn’t
Fingers crossed!! I also looove your username!
Fingers crossed, and yum!!!
I went through a similarly harrowing week bc of an exciting job possibility I was so afraid to miss out on–I was lucky to hear good news this morning, and I’ll pass those good vibes on to you, though I’m sure you’ll hear your own good news very soon!!
Hey foodie Toasties, I need your help: I’ve misplaced my food mojo and I really want to get it back. And I do mean “food” mojo not just cooking mojo though that too. I had a stomach bug two weeks ago and I am 100% physically recovered and have been for ages, but ever since then I just…haven’t had much of an appetite? I get hungry, but nothing sounds good, I haven’t done any real cooking and even when I get take out I feel like I’ve gotten the “wrong” thing. This is really freaking me out because a) I love food and b) I’m eating less than I should and food is important for energy and living. I think part of the problem is that once I got over being sick I got really busy so I haven’t been able to exercise much at all lately PLUS my evening routine (cooking time) was shot to hell what with being busy.
So…what do I do? Anyone have any good recipes for maybe inspiring my tastebuds? A fun, yet foolproof kitchen project that will have me feeling comfortable in the kitchen again?
Maybe try some bread baking projects? The smell of freshly baked bread is basically irresistible, and the amount of time and tending and dash of intuition it requires get me in a pretty kitchen-capable mood. It’s also good for breaking into little pieces of work here and there–starting a dough before work and leaving it to rise during the day, for example. NYT did a nice little roundup of recipes recently!
Yes, bread sounds like a good idea… Also maybe one pot kinda things that take a while without too much attention (braises, carnitas, stews, chilis, soups) that will make your home smell nice?
When I’m stuck I wander around an unfamiliar grocery store. Not just like a different location of the same chain, a whole different store. Bonus points for ethnic grocers.
Or maybe think about all the different foods you’ve never made or eaten before and make/eat one of those. The goal being to try to make/eat something new, not to try to make/eat something delicious. For example- the boy and I were flipping through a cookbook and saw a recipe for souffle which is something we had both heard of but had never really even seen before. We assumed it would be a disaster because souffles are supposed to be really hard to cook but it actually turned out okay. But the process of trying something new with no expectations was really fun!
i dunno, I had a Terrible Stomach Ailment last autumn and it did take quite a while before I could work up more than a rudimentary interest in creative food or even properly nourishing myself.
I’d say that if you don’t have a history of disordered eating and you’re keeping your body nourished, more or less, just let your appetite take the lead on this: eat what you feel like for another little while and don’t let it get to you.
But if you’re determined to make an effort – and there’s no reason you shouldn’t! your instincts are valuable and instructive! – maybe you could just sit and think about what foods you might crave right now? Maybe look over some menus or the Serious Eats site or a pinterest board or anything that gives you delicious inspiration, then pinpoint what you want, and go get it? Or make it?
It’s hard to recommend a recipe without knowing what you’re interested in eating. What’s sparking your interest right now?
I guess…fresh flavors? Springy things? Spices? I think part of the problem is I’m sort of starched out at this point, since I can always get bread in my face.
But you’ve got a point that maybe I should just try to ride it out and let things come back to normal on my own – I’m lucky that I’ve got no history with disordered eating, so there’s no risk of triggering bad behaviors. I’m also hoping that making more time for exercise will help things along since, if nothing else, I’ll be super hungry.
every time i lose my appetite i go back to fresh fruit. if you have any favorites, pick them up, maybe try a fruit salad? i like to put a bit of rosewater and orange zest on mine, it really brings out the perfume in the fruit.
re-read your favorite cookbooks. you probably forgot all your favorite recipes are in there, so sometimes it’s a matter of flipping through and rediscovering what’s been hiding on the shelf.
this might seem counterintuitive, but maybe don’t think about it, and just make an old favorite. mentally you might not be into it, but taking a bite might kick-start your appetite.
Ah, fresh fruit is such a stupidly good idea that I’ve totally missed! My sweet tooth has been stronger than it usually is, so satisfying those cravings with some berries n’stuff is probably smart.
Especially after stomach bugs I go straight to spicy food- something with lots of chiles and ginger and stuff, heavy on the fresh ingredients and light on the grease. Even though it sounds like the worst idea in the world, spicy food is always an appetite stimulant for me.
The “OMG, I can’t believe I get to put this in my mouth” recipe this week was a Rahasthani Mixed Dal recipe out of Suneeta Vaswani’s Complete Book of Indian Cooking- also found here: http://www.cookstr.com/recipes/rajasthani-mixed-d…
We skipped the curry leaves, subbed red lentils for the white, and green mung beans for the yellow, and it was still awesome. Threw some coconut flakes in with the rice while it steamed for extra goodness.
I’m throwing a cocktail/dinner party for six of my very close friends tomorrow, and it’s giving me major anxiety. We’re all mutually great friends and I know the dynamic will be fine and we’ll all have fun, but I know a huge source of my anxiety is that I’ve never thrown a party as a single person. I’ve always had a husband or boyfriend to back me up, help me cook, make decisions with me, etc. This time it’s all on me. I’m afraid I’ll screw up all the food, not have enough ice, drink too much and make a fool of myself, etc. Can someone please tell me it’s gonna be ok, that there will be way too much food and drink and it’ll all be splendid and we’ll have a perfect time?
It will all be OK! Throwing a party on your own is not easy but as long as you remember to breathe and have fun it will be fine. And if your friends are like my friends, at least a few will text you before they leave to ask if you need anything last minute. So no worries!
You will have a great time and so will your guests! If it would ease your anxiety can you ask a trusted friend to be your backup? Someone to come over a little earlier so even if they don’t help with the cooking they can keep you company, back up your decisions, and generally keep your mind occupied on positive things?
It will be totally fine. Even if something goes wrong, it will still be fine because as my mom likes to remind me “we admire people for their strengths, we love them for their faults.” Your friends will have a good time because they are together with you. The food and drinks are just extra.
Oh, it’s going to be so much fun! As nice as it is to have food and plenty of ice, that’s not why people are coming to the party, so don’t fret. You’re going to make lovely food and people will have a wonderful time and they’re coming because you’re awesome and they want to see you and each other!
It’s going to be great! I second the idea of enlisting a “back up friend” or even just being honest if you need help in the moment – if they’re all your good friends, no one’s going to mind pitching in a bit. It sounds like you have fun night planned!
if it makes you feel like you’re taking control, make some lists and schedule your day of prep. whether or not it goes according to plan isn’t the issue, sometimes it’s just to remember a few things you can add in, and feel like you got it out of your head and on paper. it’s doable!
but hey, they’re your very close friends, right? so they love you no matter if the party is perfect or if you forgot ice or had an extra drink. it will rock, because parties rock! have fun!
It’s going to be great !! Thirds on the idea of a backup person, even if it’s just whoever arrives first. When I host alone, I always feel like I do a terrible job with the beverages, so maybe it would help to designate someone to help make sure glasses stay full? But it will be wonderful!!
Wednesday was the last day of the most important work experience of my life and I’m still kinda emotional about it. (It was an internship with a university press, and confirmed that I am meant to be in publishing, etc, etc, very valuable experience.)
Now I just have to wait and see if I hear back from any of the trade house internships I’ve applied for this summer. Wish me luck, Toasties?
You know it: good luck! Congratulations on finishing that important work experience, and here’s to the next one! You’re going to do great.
MALLORY AND NICOLE DID YOU SEE THIS HOUSE OF DADS THING https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLqk_J5NKhg (probably helps if you’ve seen house of cards)
I threw my parents’ giant anniversary party and it went wonderfully! (I was the one complaining a few weeks ago that my aunt had dumped the responsibility on me)
We had around 60 people show up, and the pot luck was one of the best I’ve seen. My parents’ friends volunteered to help with setup and breakdown, and the owners of the hall decided to refund the entire cost of the rental because they thought it was sweet that I was throwing a party for my parents. I was *exhausted* when it was over but my parents were touched & everyone had a great time.
Oh, that’s so great! Congratulations on pulling off such a great party – especially with such a complicated, emotionally loaded preparation period. You should be really proud!
Thank you! Weirdly enough, when all was said in done, my first thought was “I can’t wait to tell the Toasties!” You’re all so sweet.
How wonderful! I’m glad to hear such a nice resolution to what was at first a stressful story.
How do people make big decisions? I need to make one by next Thursday – should I buy a magic 8 ball?
ASK AGAIN LATER
Man, I dunno. I think (hope? fear?) that most people make them the way I do, by weighing all the pros and cons and then doing whatever your gut instinct pushes you to do anyhow.
Yeah, I just think my gut instinct wants me to make an unsensible decision ;).
I am drawing inspiration on this very question from Louis C.K.: http://thebillfold.com/2014/04/louis-cks-70-rule-…
Flip a coin, and if you’re not happy with what the coin tells you to do, then you’ve got your answer!
Choose one on a whim, expend the effort you’d otherwise spend making the decision into convincing yourself you made the right choice.
This has been another edition of Bad Advice from MilesofMountain.
I have used this method more than once- on the whole, it works out pretty okay most of the time and cuts down on average stress levels. I mean, my pros and cons lists are always terribly biased by my whims, anyways, so why not cut out the middle bit?
Agonize in a miserable ball of stress until you just cannot STAND it any more and then do whatever your gut says at the very last moment. This is a fool-proof plan that never backfires at all.
EVERYONE TOASTIES LISTEN THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT
Today I learned that you can put 1/2 tsp of champagne yeast (CHAMPAGNE YEAST ONLY) in a gallon of fruit juice (pure fruit juice, no preservatives, any fruit your heart desires), cap that shit with an airlock cork, let it sit for two weeks at room temperature and BAM YOU JUST HOMEBREWED CHEAP DELICIOUS 6% CIDER
YOU’RE WELCOME
Shut. Your. Mouth.
NEVER
Important: Don’t skip the airlock! Or else your cider will explode in the middle of the night, scaring you half to death and you will spend the entire next morning cleaning cider from every surface in the room.
D:
Did you read this on Mr Money Mustache? My husband sent me an all caps text about this a few days ago.
I did! I sort of hate the blog but the forum community is great and/or the only people who understand my furious desire to quit my super great job at 35 and spend the next 50 years training service dogs and day drinking
Wait, are you my husband? That’s exactly where we are too. I like the money saving tips and the desire to bail on ‘modern” life. We should start a tiny toast support group for young retirees, away from the MMM blog.
Yes. To Toast-based financial independence support group! I’m at least 10-15 working years away (thanks student loans!) but most people think it is such an odd goal.
Cool! I’d really love that sort of group – the media out there is so polarizing, I can’t find a niche.
We are aiming for Freedom 40 (10 years! [god I feel old]) with a side of teaching English overseas. Are you a mega saver now?
Mega saver I am not, or at least not compared to most FI people. Between student loan snowball and savings I am probably living on about 55% of my income. Which is pretty ok for DC but could be a lot better. My proximate goal is to get the student loan monkey off my back, 4 years after graduation I still have $48k in debt and I hate it. I don’t treat it like quite the hair-on-fire emergency MMM would (I bought an iced coffee today!) but I’m trying.
I’m also coming at this from an attempted minimalist/anti-consumerist standpoint. I love to shop, and I love pretty things but I’m trying to make fewer mindless purchases. One of the best things I’ve gained from MMM is the attitude that things like my West Elm bed (paid for in cash, after I waited for it to go on clearance) are not things I just deserve bc I’m an American with a white-collar job but crazy awesome luxuries I should purposefully enjoy and value every day.
I’m many steps away but my ultimate goal would be FI by 40 and spend my time doing part-time/seasonal political work.
I don’t know if we’re qualify as mega-savers compared to most FI people either – we live on about 50%of our combined net. We’re only four years out of grad school (we both dropped out) and are blessedly debt free, so I’m happy with our lot.
I’m also coming from a anti-consumerist standpoint – I was leaning towards radical freeganism as an undergrad, and moved away from that in the year I took off, and in going to grad school. I’m cycling back towards it now as a political choice and it feels good. It’s hard to explain to people, though. Do you find that is something you struggle with? We find that we usually tell everyone that we’re dead broke, rather than come off as judgmental (this might worry my MIL, haha).
I struggle with the limited consumerism stuff personally bc I was raised with shopping as The Hobby of Women and (to me at least) it is actually a fun way to fill your time and express yourself. I’m still working on how much stuff is enough stuff to have. Most difficult in the areas of clothes and books. Being very space limited helps. Talking about money to other people is very different depending on where I am. FWIW, I’m 25.
I work in progressive politics and we have a union in my office (So Lucky) so everyone consumes more mindfully than average and everyone knows what everyone else makes. In the last year several of my co-workers got into YNAB. So while there aren’t a lot of FI-style discussions people aren’t afraid of talking about money and have most of the vocabulary to discuss it, you know?
In my larger friend circle there are actually several people who consider me rich because I have a full time job with benefits and my student loans are not deferred. Sometimes this translates into weird expectations that I pay for things. Some of my friends are hustling with part time gigs to just get by. Some of my friends are living paycheck to paycheck because they go out all the time. About a third of my friends have been delinquent or defaulted on their student debt (which is totally consistent with the national average) and most consider it no big deal. Only one friend of mine is trying to pay off his student loans early.
By the end of this year, barring major market moves, I should actually have a positive net worth between my 401k, an IRA, and paying down my student loans. I’m so excited!
Shopping is something I struggle with too – I love clothes. I’ve been moving towards saving for well made things I love, rather than spending a bunch of money at H&M or something. I’m fortunate that I work in tech, in a casual office, so I don’t need to differentiate between work clothes and just clothes.
The conversation I struggle with the most in work and family situations is home ownership. For so many reasons my husband and I will probably never buy a house or a condo, and that seems to be really polarizing. That’s usually where I let the assumption be that we are struggling, as its become pretty obvious to me that most people don’t want to hear my actual opinions – which is fine! Everyone can have their dreams and whatever – I just wish the same courtesy would be afforded to those of us who have other opinions.
With our friends, we are generally seen as pretty comfortable, and most people I know are also of an anti-consumerist view. We don’t really go out for drinks and dinners or brunch, or if we do, we go just together, so we avoid a lot of the awkwardness that comes with that.
Congratulations on meeting your goals!
I hadn’t heard of this stuff before but eavesdropping on this discussion is super interesting, especially the anticonsumerist stuff since I feel like that’s how I lean in many areas but have never really thought to articulate it as such before. One of you should write about this for the toast!
I’m having a slow afternoon at work – ask me anything! I never get to talk about this!
Hm, personal finance stuff has never been of much interest to me–I kept up with the billfold for a bit but I mostly enjoyed hearing about people’s personal experiences with money, I never actually changed my own money habits. I don’t use a budget or invest or have a retirement plan or anything like that.
But part of that is that all that stuff seemed to be really focused on inflating wealth for wealth’s sake, and I tend to be a little holier-than-thou about how money doesn’t matter that much to me. Obviously I like having enough to pay rent and buy groceries and drink beers/eat out once in a while, but I’m not a big shopper and in general spending lots of money on stuff stresses me out.
As a corollary, I don’t like to work very hard–haha, that sounds strange–I guess I just mean that in general as long as I have enough to live my frugal lifestyle I don’t care about putting in extra hours or taking on side gigs just to have more money–my free time is important to me.
So, I guess it’s just interesting to hear that this sort of philosophy can be codified in personal financey sort of talk, and I think the eventual goal of just fucking right off of work is pretty awesome. I’m curious about how much of the financial literacy stuff is necessary or helpful in this path, versus the philosophy behind it–how do they balance out? And how ascetic do you really have to be to feel like you’re on a solid path with this stuff? Was it a big departure from how you were living before?
Haha, that kind of turned into a novel. But I would really just be interested in hearing whatever you had to say about it!
It sounds so silly, but what sparked my interest was really just meeting my now husband. I’d been fairly to really anti-consumerist as a teen, and through my undergrad, and when he and I got together (he has a bit of background in finance [this does not mean he is rich, he is a government contract worker currently at like 38K]) our two view points sort of converged into a plan of attack. There is, between us, a focus on inflating our personal wealth (if I can call it that) because money does matter to us – it’s a tool that can unlock the life we want and allow us to do the things we believe in and want. I guess that’s where the anti-consumerist comes in; we aren’t driving flash cars, or planning to retire to the Algrave or something (I don’t even know).
I get the not hard working! Haha I’m really lazy, naturally, and I don’t really have any side hustle (except Swagbucks, omg I’m so lame, but we use the gift cards for groceries!)
I think that we’re using the tool of finance for our own ends, and as such, having financial literacy is very handy. We do use investment vehicles, and take advantage of RRSPs – for me, the philosophy was mostly there from a young age, and for my husband, he had the knowledge, and the codification of the philosophy came from me. For neither of us was it a big departure, personally, since I was a teen, my scene has always leaned towards “let’s ride our bikes to the park and drink these cheap beers there” and that’s just never changed. I was very very very lucky to have my university tuition covered by scholarships and my parents (up here in Canada) and I paid for everything else by working while being in school, so I never lived in res, or had a ton of free time to establish more spendy habits. I mainly just drank beer with the girls at the lefty coffee shop I worked at, and lived with them in cheapo apartments, and when I started becoming established in a career, never stopped. Currently we are pretty careful with our money, we go out for dinner maybe once a month, and get take out maybe once – maybe to the bar twice? We have people over a lot, or go for a big bike ride and drink beers in the park (15 years going strong!). We certainly don’t feel deprived.
Wow this is my novel, haha!
I hope it’s okay if I add my novel to this!
Working toward financial independence (FI) isn’t about ascetic living for me. It’s about making my money match my values. The basic idea behind FI is that you can buy stuff, or you can buy freedom (freedom = investments that will earn an income on your behalf). Some stuff seriously affects my quality of life, like living in a walkable neighborhood. But some stuff is nice, it’s pretty, I identify with it, but it doesn’t seriously affect my quality of life: delightful candles, linen sheets, a respectable-looking car.
So the idea is that if I can be RELENTLESS in identifying what really makes me happy, I can cut out all the fat, invest it, and buy myself the freedom to quit my job in my 30s, if I’m so inclined. How I structure my life is infinitely more valuable than candles and linen sheets. But in the same way, I will not sacrifice my happiness now for future returns, so we still spend $200-300/mo dining out and farting around, we keep pets (SO EXPENSIVE), pay way too much for flights to Brooklyn to eat hundreds of dollars worth of food.
The financial literacy stuff is so so easy if you have the behaviors and feelings lined up just so. Personal finance is 95% behavior, 5% actual math. You can learn the math in a matter of hours (and let me know if you want to! I can give you some places to start).
We’re saving 55% of our income right now, and we’re in our early-mid 20s. My first impulse was to save and invest aggressively, so there wasn’t any real change for me (my wife is a different story–she was opening credit cards at 16 bringing home $500 worth of clothes!). I just got more focused when I identified my goals.
All the novels, yes please!
These are both super interesting, thanks so much! It seems like it comes down to prioritizing, and I like the idea of choosing to buy future freedom instead of stuff. I guess the big step here would be unequivocally deciding on early retirement stuff as a future goal that would bring you more happiness than spending money in the moment would, and always keeping that in mind. In general I am super drawn towards anything that involves bringing my lifestyle more in line with my theoretical values, that is a big mantra for me.
Your lifestyles both sound very similar to mine (beer in the park and having people over as main social things, eating out pretty occasionally) so I don’t think I would feel too deprived either. Though so far (mid-twenties) I’ve never made more than 16K or so annually (<3 u academia, wait, no I don’t) and am only just rebuilding up my savings after a big move/period of unemployment–and will be using them up soon.
My current contract is ending in a few days and I’ll be leaving my current city to travel abroad for a couple months. Then depending how much money I have left over upon my return and the status of an immigration mess I’m trying to sort out (fighting to stay in Canada actually, holla), the plan is sort of fuzzy but will almost certainly involve another move and another period of unemployment, so I don’t anticipate having much leeway for saving. So this all might remain theoretical for me at the moment.
I am super terrified/illiterate about investment stuff and financial literacy, so any resources you want to send my way would be great! I have a big aversion to anything that feels like “imaginary money”–credit cards, stock markets, etc., but I should probably make more of an effort to learn more about these things instead of crossing the street to avoid them.
Periods of unemployment and low pay are a great time to flex your frugality muscles. There’s much less temptation to buy crap when there’s, uh, no money to buy crap. The trick is keeping up whatever you do know to survive on 16k/yr when you’re making three times that.
I totally feel you on the fear of “imaginary money,” and I’m not sure I’ve totally conquered the fear yet… Investing is TERRIFYING to me, especially when I’m putting my family’s life savings in the market. But I either have to conquer my fear so I can invest and retire early, or I have to work until I’m 65. It’s kind of a no-brainer.
My finances are actually super simple, nothing to be too scared of: We get paid every 2 weeks. 45% goes into the checking account to pay for life, 55% goes into the stock market. That’s literally it. We pay for everything in full, so we don’t have complications like loans or payments or interest or whatever. We bank at a regular bank, have a regular checking account and savings account. We cough up $50 every year and make TurboTax do our taxes.
The investing part is the scary part, obviously, but I promise it’s hilariously simple. We’re ~index fund investors~ (more below), so literally all I do is log into a Vanguard account, click a couple buttons, and BAM, investment done. I don’t move money around EVER, I don’t watch the market, I just let it sit. Market crashes? It’s fine, doesn’t matter. Market soars? It’s fine, doesn’t matter. It’s supremely lazy and supremely easy.
For more on index funds and investing, Jim Collins has a great intro series that addresses fears and what-ifs, and he offers up a super simple investing strategy that sounds scary but I promise it’s super easy: http://jlcollinsnh.com/stock-series/ (Reading part I-VIII will cover most of what you need to know.)
Financial independence stuff was a huge reframe for me as well. The Mr Money Mustache blog was my introduction. I still like the author fine but the commenters can get pretty sanctimonious. I would get *punched in the face* in MMM parlance for such sins I’ve committed recently such as buying a soda from a vending machine and a recent etsy purchase. I would LOVE to read something on The Toast about financial independence/minimalism but I don’t think I’m far enough along to be the author. Maybe when I pay off my student loans.
I would LOVE to see more extreme lo-spend talk in spaces like The Toast. I struggle to find other people who save 50%+ of their income but also understand that poverty is real. FI communities don’t privilege check, and they have no idea that having the resource to live on $20k/year willfully is like, privilege in its highest form.
Also, no pressure to be The One to write it, but I don’t think you have to half a quarter million banked to talk about FI!
Ohh I’d love to see that too!
Yes to well made things I love! Any idea where to buy black pants in long inseams that don’t fall apart after a year? I’ve been pricing out having some made for me but I think it is a bougie bridge too far. And who knows if I’ll stay this size long enough to get a good ROI.
Home ownership. Interesting. I certainly don’t think I’m cut out for the landlord/property ownership route to FI that many people promote. However, I do like the idea of having a (paid off, ideally) house as a financial safety net. But I’m a long way from thinking about that seriously. Living in a small rented room is what is making my 45% savings/loan repayment rate possible right now.
I think you said upthread you’re Canadian? From the little I know, home prices can be ridiculously high. At a certain point it is just not worth it financially. And just not wanting to do it is a perfectly valid reason anyway.
In the back of my mind $1M + paid off house is still the goal, but since that’s at least 10 years a million steps in between away who knows where I’ll end up.
Now that I’ve got the clothes thing pretty under control, going out is my next big habit to break. I’m going out to eat twice this weekend – a dinner and a brunch. I’m leaving in 15 min for the dinner!
The house is my least favorite thing to think about. I adore renting, partly because of the cost but partly because of the (total lack of) maintenance. The smart FI thing to do is get a cheap lil house and cut out the rental costs for the long haul, but uggggghhhhh.
The only thing that can lure me into thinking about buying a house is buying a rental property with like 4 units, using the rent to pay the mortgage, and amping up the income thereafter. But landlording is hard and ehhhh.
Loren, what’s your house-free plan?
MY HEART IS SINGING toasties who want FI!!!
My wife & I are 10-15 years away from total FI, less if we ever make more money which seems pretty likely? It’s totally possible we’ll be off this crazy train sometime in our 30s AND I AM SO PUMPED.
I want to know everyone’s plans and hopes and dreams!
yesssss join our conversation above! My husband and I are late comers to this, and are playing a bit of catch up, but our ultimate goal is ten years as well.
Yes. Join us! And tell us of your champagne yeast success. I’m a little worried about the container exploding, even with the proper valve.
I just bought the supplies! ($2.85 for the yeast + cork thing, $9 for a gallon of unfiltered organic apple juice which I bought mostly to reuse the glass jug)
The cork has a gaping hole in it and nothing but water sealing it up. It definitely won’t explode in the fermentation stage, but I guess you have to worry about it once you cap it? Putting it in the fridge will stop the fermentation, but if you let it warm up with the cap on…
The MMM comments said transfer it to a plastic jug once you’re ready to consume, just to be safe.
WHAT.
wut
Best news ever or BEST NEWS EVER?!
I wants reassurance that this won’t leave you hella hungover. Please offer said reassurance?
…wait why would this happen?!?!
I guess I heard at some point that this is a typical danger of homemade wines?
Whatever, let’s just try it on a day when we can afford to be hungover, testing a careful amount. SCIENCE
Some light googling and shaky scientific literacy tells met that there are byproducts of fermentation that are maybe sick-making? Yeast eats sugar and poops out booze and misc things, some of which can contribute to hangovers! So I guess in theory, cheap booze makes you sicker than fancy booze because fancy booze has been properly filtered and cleansed of the mean byproducts.
The booze I am proposing is not filtered or treated at all, hence the maybe reasonable concern!
(NO ONE CORRECT ME THIS IS PERFECT)
What if I ran it through a Britia filter?
we did this in Uni with apple juice + honey + bread yeast (no need for fancy champers yeast) in a tupperware bin with a towel over it in the closet (+ no need for the airlock unless you want no contamination, we didn’t care). What you want to do to get the yeast grossness out is siphon off the top and leave the crap at the bottom alone. If you tip + pour you’ll mix all the grossness back in. So get some plastic tubing from the hardware store, put your brewing vessel on top of a table and a new vessel on the floor, run the tubing between them, and siphon off the top of the liquid, stop siphoning before you hit the cloudy part. Super easy! Best of luck with your drinking!
I am making my first batch today, so I can come back in two weeks with a full report!
I AM TRYING THIS RIGHT NOW. Well, not exactly this. I’m currently making a “ginger bug” which traps and cultures wild yeasts and then apparently can be used to make homebrewed gingerale/cider/semi-fermented sparkling juices.
I BOUGHT A HOUSE! My husband is there right now, taking photos for the insurance companies and doing various small handy things! Tonight we are going on a hardware-store spree! THIS IS ALL VERY STRESSFUL BUT ALSO EXCITING.
Congratulations!!
Thank you!
OH MY GOODNESS CONGRATULATIONS WOWIE
What is the first thing you’re going to do once you move in? [edited to add: I meant, like, household-fixer-upper-wise, but you could also go TMI-wise, sure.]
Thank you!
TMI-wise: there’s a second-story deck, so “bone on the deck,” probably. 😀
… sorry. Household-fixer-upper-wise, we will actually be doing a lot of it before we move in — it’s been kept up decently, but there are, like, two major repairs and a bunch of minor ones and we figure it’ll be easier to deal with most of them while the place is empty. And our current lease goes through July, anyway. Once we’re in, though… actually, I think our top priority will still be the deck! It was added as an afterthought and is a little bit shoddy, but we love the idea of it (I want to drink coffee on it in the mornings, and my husband is an amateur astronomer and is stoked to put his telescope out there), so we’re eager to fix it up and make it more usable.
Everything about this is the very best thing. Congratulations!
Toasties! I am looking for novels that {skillfully} illustrate obsession (of something rather than someone) by one of the main characters. Can you think of any?
I appreciate it!
Does a whale count as someone or something? Because Moby Dick seems like an obvious possibility.
A whale definitely counts as something! I’ve always meant to read this.
Oh, The Maltese Falcon! Some of the characters are pursuing the title MacGuffin for rational reasons, but some have plunged well past the point of rationality and into obsession.
I know you asked for novels, but I just had to post my 2 cents. I did a lot of reading about OCD because it’s in my family. There are some really good books that present case histories, fascinating character sketches, really. You might conduct a book search in that direction.
Lord of the Rings seems like another obvious one if its heft isn’t a negative.
I think J. G. Ballard’s Crash goes beyond mere harmless fetishism and into obsession, such that the characters are restructuring their lives around an obsession. Though satisfying the central obsession does usually require the presence of the other person, it is an event/object that is the focus of the obsession and not the companion.
It’s been a while since I read it, but I thought the academics in A. S. Byatt’s Possession became obsessed with unearthing some impossibly objective truth in the letters they’re researching, even [SPOILER] to the extent of re-enacting some aspects of the history themselves. Here, it’s hard to distinguish between “obsessed with a person” and “obsessed with a history” or “obsessed with the documents”; cf. Pale Fire
You’re only looking for novels? If short stories are useful, Poe wrote a slew of stories about obsession with objects (and, in some cases, with aspects of people that the character reduced to objects, like Berenice’s teeth. Ew.) And of course there are a lot of real-life sotries of obsession, like Robert Graysmith’s Zodiac and Susan Orlean’s The Orchid Thief.
I’m not sure it’s exactly obsession, but something like it: Pattern Recognition by William Gibson. I really enjoyed it (and I find some of his stuff confusing, but this one made sense).
Fangirl, by Rainbow Rowell!
Well, it’s not a novel, but a novel-like play: Antigone by Jean Anouilh. It’s a retelling of the Greek tragedy Antigone that was written in occupied France in WWII, and it’s definitely about obsession, in the sense of pursuing something that you know you must do, heedless of the consequences.
Thanks, guys!!! I’m getting a good list going here!
Perfume, by Süskind?
Hey, I was the serial monogamist who had a breakup last weekend with the polyamorist. Thank you all again for the advice and comfort!
I’ve decided to dip my toe for the first time into OK Cupid, which I thought might provide a healthy distraction, especially since I’ve never really dated around. Is that foolish? Will dating multiple guys just amplify crazy feelings instead of diffusing them? I draw on the warmth and wisdom of you Toasties, if you’ve read this far in the thread.
Not foolish. You are wise. An OKC profile is not a commitment. A date is not a commitment. You can bail at any point. Nothing to lose. I *loved* dating around. It helped me make a good choice for marriage. I shudder to think of the lousy choices I would have made prior to dating around.
Actually, almost said no when marriage was proposed. Only because I knew I would miss dating. I was having so much fun.
as someone who has done lots of long term monogamy (maybe not lots as in many, more like LONG) as well as what I thought was long term monogamishness (oh I don’t even know), I was very happy to get onto OKC and casually date/sleep around. However, I like casual sex. Do you like casual sex?
But anyway, sometimes the many people at once amplified the crazy (especially if I liked one more, which I did, and he was more I want you as a booty call, and that just made things worse) but mostly it was kinda nice because I was (am?) in grad school and having many things going on made it easier to like focus on me and be like, oh, you can’t hang out on x day? Bummer, I’m busy, as opposed to bending over backwards for people. Does that make sense?
Eh, sometimes it amplifies my crazy, sometimes diffuses. There’s an ebb and flow to my dating crazy.
And for what it’s worth, it is possible to casually date and find actual, long-term relationships from online dating. I’ve had two multi-year relationships from OKC specifically, and most of the dudes I’ve been out with on this particular go ’round are, in theory at least, looking for something more-or-less permanent (as am I). So you can pretty much get whatever you want out of it.
Guys I just had the most delightful teenage dirtbag sighting! I was out running on the bike trail during my lunch break, and I came upon two shirtless boys and a girl, walking in a way that can only possibly be described as “swaggering.” They turned around and saw me coming, and when I got closer, the boys parted to either side of the trail so I could pass in between them like a goddamn queen or something (with not a leer to be seen!), and then the girl started running next to me. She stayed with me for probably like a quarter of a mile or so, and asked me about my job and told me where she went to school and stuff. Eventually I turned around and passed them going the other direction, and they all rearranged their scowl-y dirtbag faces into giant grins and waved at me as I went by.
Teenage dirtbags: sometimes the best humans
See, that right there. That’s what I loved about teaching high school. Working alone, not so much.
TOASTERS. I miss you so much! I have been dealing with the following over the past few weeks:
– a family crisis involving my beloved baby sister, who is weeks away from graduating from a fancypants college (she is fine but it was Not Fun and we’re still dealing with fallout)
– unbelievable amounts of work fuckery
– a vicious head cold that knocked me on my ass and made me miss two days of work
– Easter family shenanigans
– friends having all kinds of problems too
So I have been too busy and scattered to hang out here much, and coping mostly through retail therapy, and now I would very much like to take a vacation. While wearing my new octopus dress. I HOPE EVERYONE IS DOING WELL.
Love that dress! Family troubles and friend troubles mean that people trust you. They bring their problems to you, knowing you will help. Feel better soon.
Definitely a thumbs up dress. Hope you get some time to recharge soon!
I hope things get better for you! and that dress is CUTE as hell.
Girl we had Blood Moon this month, Susan Miller says life will get better for us all in May 🙂
1. That dress is phenomenal
2. We miss you!
3. I hope everything improves dramatically!
I went to the doctor today and talked about my chronic anxiety issues (many of them public speaking/performance-based). Prescribed propranolol…anyone have any experience with this?
It felt good to get a full physical and discuss all my concerns…my PA did a great job! Really feeling fortunate to have that luxury of access and time.
I have an adult male friend who I just discovered is extremely into The Diary of Anne Frank. He has read the book approximately 20 times and is getting a tattoo with a quote from the book on his forearm. He is an extroverted and funny dude and this discovery has really freaked me out. I suppose it has mostly made me feel like he lacks an emotional depth since Diary of AF is like an intro to human suffering that we require children to read also he confessed he doesn’t really read a lot of other books. He also doesn’t have any other tattoos and is getting this LARGE tattoo on his forearm. We work together and interact with the public a lot and i have been trying to explain to him that while he has thought about it a lot and seems very set on it he might very quickly get bored of explaining his tattoo to tourists or nosy people. We live in Portland so having tattoos isn’t really anything shocking but we deal with a lot of conservative tourists. Any thoughts?
Stop explaining. He won’t connect to it. Especially if he lacks emotional depth. Say your piece, some version of “I think it’s a mistake”. The shorter the better. Then say nothing until he brings it up.
Then put everything you want to say into the form of a question. Avoid yes/no. The goal is to require him to *think*.
How does DoAF compare to other books you’ve read about human suffering? How do you expect our clients will react to your tattoo? What were the other ways you considered honoring the DoAF?
Then let go. It’s his mistake to make.
I just feel like he should just get a YOLO tattoo and save himself the trouble.
Hmmm, it might be helpful for you to take some time to understand why *you* are so freaked out about this. Is it weird for you to find out that someone you are friends with does not like to read for pleasure? I obviously don’t know this dude but I think it’s sweet that this book means so much to him and he has this idea to share that with the world. One of the very few books that I have read more than once is a book that I first read when I was ~12. Kids are so emotional at that age it makes sense that a book read during that time could make a big impression.
Yes, he should think about whether tattoo placement could affect his current and future job prospects, but that’s on him, ya know?
I GOT A JOB OFFER!!!!!!!!!!! YAYYYYYYYYYYYY. I had a temp assignment somewhere else that lasted just for one month, but besides that, I have been job hunting since September!!! And I only got one other interview in all that time. Not even the tiny two-day-long temp jobs were calling me back. I was starting to contemplate giving up on the work I love to do, without knowing if anyone else would even want me for other jobs.
And this morning, I got an offer from a superrrr fancy company, and my potential co-workers are being so amazingly welcoming and treating me as if I belong there, even just in interviews. I can’t even believe it. I was starting to think that I was a resume- and cover letter-producing robot with no inner life and several sets of pajamas.
I have two weeks before my start date, and I’m going to start by going out to dinner with my partner (who was always generous with needed hugs)! Now I just need a .gif to show all my RELIEF.
Oh my god that must feel incredible. Congratulations!!!
Thanks so much!!! I just knew I had to run and tell the Toasties!
Hey Toasties, I have a joke / affirmation: Live every day with the confidence of a white man sharing a political opinion.
A+, that is delightful.
Perfection.
Oh man we need to get this to IcebergMama so she can make a fancy Inspirational Poster from it.
Toasties! I took a random vacation day today and it has been lovely, even though part of it was spent running errands and I didn’t actually get into the pop-up cat cafe. Also, last weekend, I went on a blind date, and even though there wasn’t really any romantic chemistry there, we had a nice conversation, and now I’ve met another queer lady who likes opera. (Which is encouraging, because I never seem to meet other queer ladies who like opera.)
I’m currently dithering a lot over what to do with my remaining vacation time this summer. I want to travel but I don’t want the work of organizing the travel. I want to travel alone but I don’t want to be lonely. I want to hike up some mountains but I can’t decide where. And so on.
Hearing friend’s travel stories always gets me in the mood for travel, and once you’re in the mood the planning stuff can be exciting rather than tedious.
Also keep in mind that spontaneous travel is always an option and takes away a lot of the waffling and comparing that travel planning involves. I once booked a last-minute deal to Mexico two days out and went with zero planning, no guidebooks, no maps, nothing, just a flight in and out, and it was an incredible trip.
x2 for traveling without a plan! I have driven across the US many times without a plan and it was GLORIOUS. I literally just drove until something interesting popped up, slept wherever was convenient or enticing, and drove in whatever direction and for whatever duration seemed appropriate.
Super low-stress, too.
Today in Canadian dirtbags: I’m currently sitting on transit in front of a gaggle of 12-ish year olds bragging about their Scrabble scores. One of them is inexplicably wearing an empty beer helmet.
I found out I passed my second architectural registration exam today!
Five more to go…
I’m going to a concert by myself tonight at one of my favorite venues in my city, and I’m trying not to be anxious about it (failing). The last concert I saw alone was lovely, but it was a very calm show with no rocking out or dancing, and this show is going to be a little more raucous–however it’s one of my favorite bands from way back when and I’d be mad at myself if I didn’t go. Can I dance around with a bunch of strangers? We shall see.
going out by yourself can be the most fun ever! it can take practice to get really good at making the most of it, but you’ll maybe meet new people, and maybe run into unexpected friends, and maybe let loose in a way you wouldn’t if you were with someone who knows you. have fun!
How’d it go?
It was really fun! Once I got over the initial self-consciousness I stood up front and danced around, briefly chatted with the guys behind me. Glad to know that I can see any type of show by myself, not just the hipstery bop-side-to-side type.
Guys I’m having a hard time lately. I’m super lonely these days. My best friend (of 20 years) moved to LA at the beginning of the year and my bf (who I guess is becoming just my online friend) has just moved to Philadelphia for his job. I’m in the midwest. I spend most of my time alone since I work at home. I am in that post-college phase where everyone’s moved on and I don’t have a lot of friends left.
My bf was my backup best friend after my bff left. Everyone wants to know why I didn’t move with him, but I suppose I didn’t feel like our relationship had gone on long enough beforehand for something like that, and plus he never indicated that he wanted me to, but also I never indicated that I might want to if he wanted to. I don’t know how much of those feelings are just because I’m alone now, or because I really should go out there too, or bring it up or whatever. And then feminist feelings about following men around. We’ve been together a year now but there was always this understanding that one of us might find a job somewhere else, and we kind of just knew that was a possibility, which I think held back some expressing of feelings. Like we never even said things like “I love you” or talked about the future. We just kind of did this “in the moment” thing, and now we’re in this moment.
Meanwhile, in my brain, I also wonder about moving to LA where my bff is. I feel like I’ve been with her longer, and I don’t really know which would make me happier long-term. But I also feel that Philly is more my “type” of city than LA is. But then is it dumb to follow my friends around instead of trying to figure out my own thing? I don’t really have any dreams of my own like they do. I feel like all I want is for everyone to be in the same place.
Well, I have no advice to give about whether to follow someone or whom to follow, but, wow, I can certainly commiserate about wanting everyone to just be in the same place!
I mean, it was one thing leaving my high school world and high school friends for college. I would have been happy to grow old and die with them for company – but leaving them was bearable because college has a ready supply of new friends to meet and new things to learn about and new adventures to undertake. However, leaving college for The World Outside, in its various iterations, has not been so fun for me so far. Mostly because, in The World Outside, any friends I want to make I somehow am supposed to deliberately go find, and any adventures I want to have I am supposed to plan, and any things I want to learn I have to set aside time to study on my own, and even if I just want to hold onto my hometown and college friends, I have to make a serious effort to keep in contact with them! And I am bad at every single one of those things!
However, I have faith that it IS possible to have a rich and full life outside of work after college. Just haven’t figured out how yet. If some wiser Toastie is for some reason browsing the end of the Cocktail Hour thread tomorrow, maybe that Toastie can tell us.
Till then – from one solitary, semi-directionless, college graduate Midwesterner to another – good luck out there!
Thank you! I don’t know about you, but I knew all of this was coming, yet I’m not sure that helped any! It’s a weird time.
What part of the midwest are you in, if you don’t mind? I’m in Kansas City.
I pretty much knew it was coming too, but I still wasn’t really prepared. I think that probably few people are, and that’s OK.
On the bright side, it seems that wise Toasties have indeed shown up and said helpful things below! RoseCamelia and Elsa is Emily, you are awesome.
I’m actually in the northern ‘burbs of Chicago. I wish I could be helpful to you and describe what it’s like to live in Chicago proper, since you’re thinking about it, but… I don’t really know! I don’t live there, I only visit. I’m sure you could have guessed this, but Chicago is a big, impersonal city: people passing on the sidewalk don’t make eye contact or acknowledge each other’s existence in any way, as they would in, say, the Twin Cities. *BUT* I also know that Chicago has endless things to do and see; and, a couple times in the past year, I have had a lot of fun taking trips into the city to meet strangers with similar interests. I know I’ll be able to have that kind of adventure a lot more often when I learn how to fight my hermit tendencies. (I would totally go to a Chicago Toast Meetup if there was one. Somebody else should get on that.)
Kansas City is pretty small, I don’t know how walking down the street here compares to other cities. I really have little experience with anywhere else urban. I have never even been to Chicago, but I figured I’d go explore since it’s close. I’m planning the trip for early June, maybe we can meet somewhere!
Ugh and I feel you on the hermit thing. That does not help my cause. I like having a few friends and just having them over for homemade food, company, and drinks. That is my favorite thing to do. I’m not much on going out, and if I do, it’s with already established friends and I’d like to hear enough to talk. Like, my favorite bars are the nearly empty ones. Ha.
Maybe it’s growing up where I have that’s conditioned me, or being broke, but I do not even care much if my city has a lot to do and see… like that wears off pretty quick right? Like you live there. Vacationing in a city is not the same as living in a city. I suppose I mostly value having things I am willing to do over and over again that don’t cost much, like hiking trails and a couple good museums.
I do need a bigger city than this though, because of my job. The opportunities here are just kind of lacking and seeing the 30-somethings in my career does not make me want to stay here forever. I don’t know how much of that is just Real World Realities or if it’s more just here.
Maybe your visit is an occasion for a Toast Mini-Meetup? I don’t think I’d be a very helpful guide to Chicago on my own, and also, as it happens, I’m one of the male Toasties, and possibly meeting a rando dude is not what you signed up for. But I bet it would be doable to assemble a small group of some helpful Chicagoan Toastie guides who could give you an idea of what Chicago is all about – especially since it’s more than a month in advance!
Also, I heartily second your description of a fun party. I’ve never been out to parties in bars, but the few large, alcohol-centric parties that I went to in college were deeply surreal and vaguely upsetting experiences, and I have no idea how anyone thinks that is fun.
I don’t know much about Chicago hiking trails, but the Field Museum is great. One of the trips into the city I mentioned taking was to an event hosted by the people behind The Brain Scoop, which is a natural history YouTube channel made at the Field Museum. (It has occasional specimen preparation, so don’t watch those episodes if you’re squeamish.) The host, Emily Graslie, and the other people who make the show are super nice, and perfectly willing to just hang out and talk to anybody about anything natural science- or museum- related. So that’s one reason why the Field Museum is cool.
Your friends (bff & bf) aren’t just moving. They’re also changing. Moving to new cultures requires it. And it’s not wrong or bad, any of it. Hard as hell, but not wrong or bad. I do not advocate following either of them, but if you did, you would find your relationships would not be the same for long. They wouldn’t necessarily end, but they would change. Maybe for the better. Maybe not. Change is the only sure bet.
If you move, do so only after lining up a job you like. One that seems good and right for you. Unless you have a trust fund. While you are navigating the new culture and new job, you can navigate the changes in your friends. Good luck.
Thanks for the advice. My logic has already told me these things before, that people go through another phase of change in this part of life so I shouldn’t “settle down” with anyone, so this is probably what I needed to be reminded of. Forgotten amongst recent grief.
I suppose another big thing I’ve been dealing with is trying to remind myself that this isn’t my fault, that they didn’t leave because they didn’t love me enough. I have no big ambitions, so it’s hard for me to understand. My best friend is sad and depressed and lonely in her new place, and I just wish so bad she was still here. It’s like I know she and I will be happy eventually in our more separate lives, it’s just that I expected this you know? And she didn’t so she’s kind of shocked. So it’s hard for me to make some big change like that myself, because that’s what happens. But then now they’ve left me and I’ve been forced into it so now I don’t even care about staying. I’m thinking about Chicago, just for a change, but I don’t even know if I’m thinking clearly enough to make that decision, or if I should think less.
You have more wisdom and grace than you realize. You do have ambitions. You mentioned Chicago. Leaving does not have to be so freighted. You can return. In 2 years or 20.
You are wise to avoid decisions while grieving. Until you find equilibrium, plan vacations to Chicago.
You are going to be OK. It’s not wrong that everything is changing. It’s not wrong that it hurts so much. And it will not be wrong when you stop hurting, when missing your friends lessens.
Thank you so much. You are wonderful.
I don’t have any advice either, just empathy and commiseration. I know that lonely feeling, and it’s hard. But it will pass, in part because you’ll fill up your life with pursuits and work and fun and, eventually, friends or lovers who will not take the place of the ones who have moved away, but who will take up some of the vacant space where loneliness lives. And in part because it’s a feeling and feelings ebb and flow.
I wouldn’t presume to give you advice about where to live, but for me, it’s always been important to assess my choices based not on who else lives there, but on how I feel about a city. Not just because we’re grown-ups who have to take responsibility for our own happiness, though that’s certainly true, but because if we make our biggest decisions based on other people’s goals, then we don’t give ourselves space to trust our own goals and ambitions.
To put this the most naked terms: what if you moved to LA to be with your friend and six weeks later she got some amazing opportunity that meant moving to London, or to Vegas, or to NYC, or to the moon? Would you still be happy you’d moved? If so, then maybe LA is the best choice for you! If not, then you’ve just performed an instructive thought experiment.
It can be hard not to let loneliness drive your choices, but it’s rarely a good advisor. I’m sending you lots of good thoughts and hoping that you’re buoyed up by happiness and fellowship soon, not just because that’s a better position from which to make decisions but because you deserve it.
Honestly? I never considered leaving this place until I knew I’d be left alone. I didn’t grow up here, but I suppose it was the nearest city and the place I always assumed I’d land and so would all my friends since most people do… I just have braver/smart/goal-oriented friends.
I am not well-traveled amongst our nation’s cities. I’m considering living in places I’ve never even been to.
No, I would not be happy in LA except for her. That’s why I haven’t done that. Everyone says “but you’ve never been there, you don’t know you don’t like it.”
They also don’t get that had he stayed here, my bf’s and I relationship would continue to not be that serious. But moving across the country with him suddenly makes things very serious, which my guts say “Do not do,” even though I feel very lonely right now.
Again, thank you so much. You guys have been way more help than anyone in real life has so far.
In amazing teenage dirtbag news a teen was pulled over for driving with a suspended license and a loaded gun was found in her vagina.
I am supposed to be asleep but I had to log in just to share this.
The mug shot omg.
There is nothing about that that is a good idea.
Everything about this is amazing and I mean “amazing” in the sense of “I am amazed that this is possible.”
ENGINEERS I need help. My boyfriend is an engineer and when I have emotions he wants to logic them away when I just want him to tell me he is sorry I am sad! I was just forced into working a double at work and he does not realize that I just want to bitch about why my shitty manager is shitty, not be told exactly how I can fix the situation (his solutions to my problems involve a lot of punching which is kind of antithetical to having a job).
Oh! We had this problem, but I can’t remember how we resolved it which usually means I did something I’m not proud of. Let me ask him.
My engineer says;
1.) It is logical to be hurt when someone is cruel to you. The logical way to remove hurt is to talk about it to a sympathetic person.
2.) If an engineer can’t provide solutions that work with the material constraints of a.) keeping a job or friendship and b.) being female then maaaaaybe the engineer is not that good at solving problems? (This is a terribly cruel thing to say to most engineers.)
3.) I yelled these things a lot until he accepted that emotions are also logical.
Damn, you’re good!
Preen! Thank you!
Of course, this is filtered through an engineer who loves me, and thus he’s winnowed it down to sane, clear, reasonable points. That is the best part of having an engineer partner; even the laissez faire approach to computer repair can’t compare.
I don’t remember where, but somewhere I saw/my husband saw a good response to when someone is venting/telling problems and just wants someone to listen. Say: “That sucks dear” Your feeling are validated, they are on your side, and they don’t try to fix it.
So you may have to have a conversation where you explain to your engineer that unless you ask for help, you are not looking and just want someone who will emphasize and say “that sucks”. It has taken my husband a little bit to remember to say this, but it has been revolutionary.
I DO THIS TO MY VERY OWN WIFE I am the worst.
Here’s what we do: She tells me to stop and asks me to validate her feelings. I do. Sometimes I remember to validate without being asked! We stay married.
Seriously, just tell him you need validation, not advice. “Boyf, your advice is wise and you are handsome and gifted, but SHUT THE FUCK UP VALIDATE MY FEELINGS.” I mean, maybe have a chill conversation first so he knows what you mean by this, but talk about it! Talk about it every time it happens! Train the man to validate your feelings!
Ha! I used to date an engineer and can relate. Just drill in his head that you need comforted/validated or whatever, as others have said. He had trouble understanding why I was telling him my problems if I didn’t want advice or want to fix them. I just need to be told everything is going to be ok sometimes! Non-engineer humans understand this!
YOU ARE ALL AMAZING; we had a talk and in this situation it is kiiiind of my fault (I complain about work a lot and it is depressing me, which makes him want to tell me how to fix it) but he acknowledged that he does need to be more validating. But I guess from his engineering standpoint if something is making me super miserable constantly, maybe I should fix that thing.
Toasties (or the three toasties still reading this thread) I need your help! I have this very strong recollection of an awesome cartoon consisting of women of a variety of body types jauntily walking around in bikinis, and I cannot find it anywhere! I am nearly 100% certain I saw it here or on the Hairpin, but it’s also possible it was a link in the comments or another work of an artist that drew a cartoon here or something else. Does this sound remotely familiar to anyone or does anyone have the link? My google skills are failing me.
Was it this one? http://the-toast.net/2013/10/02/girl-tips-2/
Yes! Thank you!
Yeah, when I personally read that scene I read all her protests as protesting *where* they were, not the act itself (not here in front of our dead son, not here in the sept), especially considering she says things like "I'm not whole without you" in that same scene. What blows my mind is why the creators have done this *TWICE* now–taking a scene that isn't violent and changing it to BE violent. Dany/Drogo already in the first season, and now Jaime/Cersei? It's bizarre and it's alarming that they feel the need to change these around like this.
Regarding eggs: If you put an egg in water and it sinks, it’s a good egg. But if if floats, that means it’s got nasty gases in it and it’s a bad egg.