Dear Hiring Agent of The Nature Conservancy:
My name is Matthew Mazer. I’m a 23-year old graduate of the University of Alabama and yesterday I saw four deer in my backyard, and then I saw an owl eat a chipmunk. Now that I have established my credentials as a nature observer, here are some of the reasons why you should hire me to be a Nature Conserver:
• I will work in any capacity if the goal is to protect animal habitats. In fact, I will straight up take a bullet for an animal if it is cool enough (e.g. a bald eagle).
• I understand the importance of nature for every community. It is where rich people go to take pictures, and where poor people go to hide things.
• I grew up near nature, so I know it well. There are plants, animals, fish, and water, and maybe about six other things.
• I am ready to work. Call me any time of the day. I will immediately buy a plane ticket to Chicago and start work the next day. I swear to Mother Nature I am not lying about this.
• I am qualified. I went to college, and I read books in another language. Then I graduated and subsequently toiled in diverse fields of industry. I have lived, loved, laughed, and lost. Then I Ate. Prayed. And loved a second time. Plus, I am organized.
• I am a good communicator. I can hoot like an owl, look at things like an iguana, fly like an eagle let my spirit carry me, and sing like Macy Gray. Also, I can make some sound effect noises with my mouth like the guy from Police Academy, Steve Gutenberg (the white guy)
• I want to track down the Loch Ness Monster and say to it: “I am not afraid of you.” But I only mention this because I will need some vacation days before I die.
Matthew Mazer is writing a lot of cover letters these days.