COMPANY: The Nature Conservancy in Chicago
JOB: Assistant
Dear Hiring Agent of The Nature Conservancy:
My name is Matthew Mazer. I’m a 23-year old graduate of the University of Alabama and yesterday I saw four deer in my backyard, and then I saw an owl eat a chipmunk. Now that I have established my credentials as a nature observer, here are some of the reasons why you should hire me to be a Nature Conserver:
• I will work in any capacity if the goal is to protect animal habitats. In fact, I will straight up take a bullet for an animal if it is cool enough (e.g. a bald eagle).
• I understand the importance of nature for every community. It is where rich people go to take pictures, and where poor people go to hide things.
• I grew up near nature, so I know it well. There are plants, animals, fish, and water, and maybe about six other things.
• I am ready to work. Call me any time of the day. I will immediately buy a plane ticket to Chicago and start work the next day. I swear to Mother Nature I am not lying about this.
• I am qualified. I went to college, and I read books in another language. Then I graduated and subsequently toiled in diverse fields of industry. I have lived, loved, laughed, and lost. Then I Ate. Prayed. And loved a second time. Plus, I am organized.
• I am a good communicator. I can hoot like an owl, look at things like an iguana, fly like an eagle let my spirit carry me, and sing like Macy Gray. Also, I can make some sound effect noises with my mouth like the guy from Police Academy, Steve Gutenberg (the white guy)
• I want to track down the Loch Ness Monster and say to it: “I am not afraid of you.” But I only mention this because I will need some vacation days before I die.
Sincerely,
Matthew Mazer
Tags: cover letters, desperation, employment, matthew mazer, work
Jeremy Wade wanted to track down the Loch Ness Monster, too, but it only turned out to be (SPOILER) some bullshit Greenland Shark that didn’t even effing live in Loch Ness wtf “River Monster” my ass Jeremy Wade, you’re the real river monster, like some I Am Legend shit, the book-version, not that Will Smith crap.(END SPOILER)
After seven months of unemployment, ALL my cover letters are now cover letters written in desperation. *sob*
Also, though, is Nature Conservancy hiring??
I hope you don’t mind if I borrow this? I think this might be the edge I need to get in at the Bronx Zoo.
Mr. Blazes has also been unemployed lo, these many months.
I am starting to think that hiring managers feed on desperation like vampires feed on blood.
…while laughing wildly
Around here it’s the fucking wild turkeys always hanging out in the road and making me a nature observer whether I want to be one or not.
“I am qualified. I went to college, and I read books in another language.” Yeah, that’s pretty much what my college degree means in the job market. This article is so good, so true to life, it hurts.
“I understand the importance of nature for every community. It is where rich people go to take pictures, and where poor people go to hide things.”
Truer words. If I were the hiring manager at the Nature Conservancy (which I am not), I’d hire you in a minute.
I once applied to a job requiring applicants be “familiar with social media and the Internet.” The thrust of my cover letter was “I have spent pretty much every waking moment of the last 10 years on social media and the Internet, please hire.”
They uh, didn’t call me back.
Yeah, I’ve seen job ads that ask for applicants who “are comfortable with the internet.” I’m so comfortable with the internet, I literally sleep with it! Hire me!
(Note the html tags used above. MAD SKILLZ.)
As a geologist, I almost felt the compulsion to put “really good at Bejeweled” on my resume, but I thought that might hold me back in a post-Candy Crush world.
You guys I’m applying to jobs and realize that I have no desire to do any of the things for which I’m professionally qualified. Is this a bad sign?
I feel you! I’m looking to change jobs and I’m realizing that the skills I’ve acquired at my current job are all the things I hate about my current job.
You guys I'm applying to jobs and realize that I have no desire to do any of the things for which I'm professionally qualified. Is this a bad sign?
My Master’s degree is in a flavor of ecology and I would kill for a job with the Nature Concervancy. I…uhhh…I don’t know how to feel about this piece.
I spent time doing conservation and fire fighting. I’m in the same space.
Really, world, if I can’t get a job in the field I have two degrees in, can I at least get one where I can use a chainsaw again?
In college I worked at a haunted house and used a chainsaw to scare people, can I do that job again? (and get a living wage doing it?)
I work in a not-dissimilar field and I have seen resumes with similarly questionably-relevant qualifications. They also usually don’t have a cover letter, and the resumes were often sent by fax. So I guess you’re not doing too bad!
10 months. And yep.
After college, I once wrote a cover letter not entirely unlike this. It was basically like, “I don’t really care about this job, but I want to move to NYC where all my friends live, and I’m naturally competitive and will therefore work hard to make lots of money.” But snarlier.
I got an interview. I didn’t get the job, though, which I at least partially attribute to the fact that I was shocked that they called me for an interview.