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Screen Shot 2014-04-23 at 3.51.36 PMMark Kowgier
59 Diego Cres.
Grimsby Ontario CA
905-321-7325 x Ask My Mother For Mark
mark.kowgier@askjeeves.com

 

To Whom It May Concern,

My name is  Mark Kowgier, and I humbly ask that you please consider this application for ________________ at _________________.  I believe, nay, I know, with all my heart, that   ________________________ is the exact job I was born to do. And to highlight the endless amount of innumerable reasons why, here are three things I am passionateabout.

First of all, I am passionate about versatility. Versatility literally applies to all facets of my life. Versatility helped me complete my Masters degree, where I literally faced some life’s Big Questions:  Who am I? Why is life so hard for a young white male? Was 9-11 an inside job? Did I even write a full Masters’ thesis? My versatility says I did. Versatility has only allowed me to become even more versatile since entering the workforce. Versatility was literally flowing out of me as I created over a hundred variations of my resume; one of which is sure to be custom suited to your needs. Versatility has literally pushed me to reconsider what a “job” even is. Versatility has landed me short-term contract after short-term contract at insecure benefits-free jobs with organizations of questionable-at-best ethics. Versatility allowed me to literally step-up to such challenges as:  Can I work in what used to be a closet? Can I work regular unpaid overtime that is specified in a contract I have yet to see or sign? Am I willing to work for free and in exchange have my membership fee waived? I’ll just go ahead and list that Work Experience on resume no. 101. Versatility.

My second true passion is perfection. Weather it be my love of accuracy, my concise clear candid and cunning communication, my ability to literally catch those little missteaks that most people only notice after they hit “Sent’;  my comprehensive computer passion-set, or those little things that make all the difference, like always finishing my

Lastly, I have a skill for people. This passion about people pushes me continue being a person, to be hands-on in my learning about people, and to find new people to be passionate about and with. In today’s modern society , people are no longer just people, they’re brands. And my brand is bulging. Through managing my own person, I’ve grown 457%, and I expect another surge soon. I’ve even expanded this passion by literally creating a new person, and I wasn’t even trying. Well I was trying (if you know what I mean;) but the new person wasn’t exactly the thing I was trying for (if ya catch my drift bro;P But intercourse and babies aren’t the only results I achieve with people. In business people play to win in and I play with them. I’m a team player, and I believe that through collaboration we achieve more than we ever could have on our own, all thanks to me.

Yahoo Answers has led me to believe that the key to a successful cover letter is brevity, and so my final six paragraphs have been reduced to bullet points, similar to those I know how to animate in Microsoft Powerpoint Vista Edition:

– My  extensive track record of key interpersonal self-starting integrity leadership expertise reputation such vertical transparent synergy
~ I think on my feet and can walk on my hands
> I consider challenges to just be another word for depressing, really hard,  soul-crushing Growth Opportunities
= I “excel” at Excel
$ My resume goes IN DEPTH about my unexpectedly personal Objectives and Interests (Spoiler Alert: shirtless selfie revenge Instagrams are kinda my thing)
? I believe in the wisdom of our elders and so I live by the famous word of my main role model: “Don’t stop/ Beliebing”

Thank you for your time and consideration. I will literally follow up by visiting your location within half an hour of senting this. I look forward

Sincerely,

Mark Kowgier
MA BA Hon.
@UnicornKisses2002

Mark is a teacher, writer, and part-time dog walker. He writes poetry and wildly hilarious stories, and just launched a mailing-list (??!) called Picture Poem Song.

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