Mark Kowgier
59 Diego Cres.
Grimsby Ontario CA
905-321-7325 x Ask My Mother For Mark
[email protected]
To Whom It May Concern,
My name is Mark Kowgier, and I humbly ask that you please consider this application for ________________ at _________________. I believe, nay, I know, with all my heart, that ________________________ is the exact job I was born to do. And to highlight the endless amount of innumerable reasons why, here are three things I am passionateabout.
First of all, I am passionate about versatility. Versatility literally applies to all facets of my life. Versatility helped me complete my Masters degree, where I literally faced some life’s Big Questions: Who am I? Why is life so hard for a young white male? Was 9-11 an inside job? Did I even write a full Masters’ thesis? My versatility says I did. Versatility has only allowed me to become even more versatile since entering the workforce. Versatility was literally flowing out of me as I created over a hundred variations of my resume; one of which is sure to be custom suited to your needs. Versatility has literally pushed me to reconsider what a “job” even is. Versatility has landed me short-term contract after short-term contract at insecure benefits-free jobs with organizations of questionable-at-best ethics. Versatility allowed me to literally step-up to such challenges as: Can I work in what used to be a closet? Can I work regular unpaid overtime that is specified in a contract I have yet to see or sign? Am I willing to work for free and in exchange have my membership fee waived? I’ll just go ahead and list that Work Experience on resume no. 101. Versatility.
My second true passion is perfection. Weather it be my love of accuracy, my concise clear candid and cunning communication, my ability to literally catch those little missteaks that most people only notice after they hit “Sent’; my comprehensive computer passion-set, or those little things that make all the difference, like always finishing my
Lastly, I have a skill for people. This passion about people pushes me continue being a person, to be hands-on in my learning about people, and to find new people to be passionate about and with. In today’s modern society , people are no longer just people, they’re brands. And my brand is bulging. Through managing my own person, I’ve grown 457%, and I expect another surge soon. I’ve even expanded this passion by literally creating a new person, and I wasn’t even trying. Well I was trying (if you know what I mean;) but the new person wasn’t exactly the thing I was trying for (if ya catch my drift bro;P But intercourse and babies aren’t the only results I achieve with people. In business people play to win in and I play with them. I’m a team player, and I believe that through collaboration we achieve more than we ever could have on our own, all thanks to me.
Yahoo Answers has led me to believe that the key to a successful cover letter is brevity, and so my final six paragraphs have been reduced to bullet points, similar to those I know how to animate in Microsoft Powerpoint Vista Edition:
– My extensive track record of key interpersonal self-starting integrity leadership expertise reputation such vertical transparent synergy
~ I think on my feet and can walk on my hands
> I consider challenges to just be another word for depressing, really hard, soul-crushing Growth Opportunities
= I “excel” at Excel
$ My resume goes IN DEPTH about my unexpectedly personal Objectives and Interests (Spoiler Alert: shirtless selfie revenge Instagrams are kinda my thing)
? I believe in the wisdom of our elders and so I live by the famous word of my main role model: “Don’t stop/ Beliebing”
Thank you for your time and consideration. I will literally follow up by visiting your location within half an hour of senting this. I look forward
Sincerely,
Mark Kowgier
MA BA Hon.
@UnicornKisses2002
Tags: business, cover letters, jobs, mark kowgier, professionalism, work
This is equal parts brilliant and painful.
You comment is more equally brilliant than equally painful.
I’d offer him a job, but that would require me to talk to someone from Grimbsy.
Too late! Sooooooo…. about that job?
As someone who recently went through job hunting, this was almost too much to read, but also hilarious.
This killed me:
“literally catch those little missteaks that most people only notice after they hit “Sent’”
Congrats on coming out the other side. This piece is very much dedicated to anyone going through the horrible horrible mind numbing horror of slogging through dozens of application-emails a day with no hope of response. GOOD TIMEZ!
Oh God. This is way too close to home right now. Why do we even bother writing cover letters anymore when the subtext is clearly PLEASE LOVE ME OR AT LEAST JUST PAY ME ENOUGH TO LIVE ON OH GOD OH GOD
“I care, deeply and truly as one would for a lover, about this job you refuse to disclose any relevant information about. Your faceless corporation in the business of producing nothing identifiable is one of my long-time idols. This is my 715th cover letter this month, 709 rejections removed from anything I could muster unaffected enthusiasm about.”
“I care deeply and truly as one would for a lover about this job you refuse to disclose any relevant information about” YESSS +100 pts Interview Q: “would you blow this job on a first date?”
Interview Q: If this job was offering to pay the bill, would you be a gentleman and pay for it? And what about paying to intern for this date in a Temp Role? That experience would look great on your “dating profile”.
Your corporation and I are like a discarded piece of plastic and a marine bird. In a sea of applications and job postings somehow we have found each other, against all odds we have come together, and now we are one, tangled together, sinking slowly, locked in each other’s embrace.
I also work weekends.
Using this on my next job app btw
Hiding your UTTER DESPERATION is the key to any good Cover Letter
the paragraph on perfection brought tears to my eyes. of mirth, and also of pain.
And now you’ve brought eyes to your tears.
Disturbingly/hilariously similar to the cover letters my Professional Communication students turn in.
See you in class on Monday!
Snort: And my brand is bulging.
Thank you for helping to increase to size of my brand!
My favorite part of this post is Mark replying to every comment. Mark, please reply to this comment.
SOCIAL MEDIA VISIBILITY IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS IN TODAY’S CONNECTED BUSINESS-SPACE
Was this inspired by Overqualified? Because it seems like it is/should have been and also everyone should read that forever.
I love me some Softer World but I had no idea this existed. Damn Joey, that handsome devil!
I read college dirtbag cover letters fairly often, and this hits too close to home. I recently received a cover letter with this first line: “An uninformed person may very well find your research unimportant.” Well, FUUCK YOU.
It’s a great opening gambit: Allow me to begin by highlighting how I am special, one of kind you might say, and that I alone truly understand the importance of your work and how it could be improved.
Sooo, he basically negged you in a cover letter? I hope peacocking is next.
Funnily enough, farther down in the letter this applicant wrote, “I bring with me a growing bank of knowledge about how we human beings function…and this I owe to my training in biological research and extensive coursework in the sciences.”
Hey dude, you’re a sophomore philosophy major. Slow your roll.
For anyone who cares: I fixed the dead link to p.p.s. in my bio.
For anyone who doesn’t care: why are you still reading this?
Oh god, this was painful to read, as I am currently in job-seeking hell myself. At this point, when I sit down to write a new cover letter the only words that come to mind are HIRE ME, PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEONE HIRE ME. Next step is standing on the sidewalk with a sign: starving librarian, will provide reference services for food.
To be honest, what helped me was having a kid (highly recommended) and trying to find something I was actually good at to the point where it would immediately catch an employers attention. For me it was wiriting/making videos. In the end it wasn’t one of my million cover letters that got me a job. It was this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=guV8Jhb1vIE
I think my takeaway is to have a chance in that hell-scape you have to constantly work at being true to yourself, which is a really hard thing to do. If that makes any sense at all?
I conclusion: don’t give up!
Mark, I reread this every few weeks when I need inspiration in my job search, and i cri evrytiem.~
Very well described things about cover letter, i think cover letter primarily tells about yourself, ordinarily in one page. There are so many things that we can add in our cover letter, but there are three main things. First paragraph tells about yourself, your education, age, current job, etc. The second tells about your promise, ambition, expectation or something that you just wish to try and do if you are employed, but my suggestion is that hire a professional cover letter writing or essay writing services to write your professional cover letter because this is the main thing that will help you to get a job.
Thanks,
Good Luck