The Toast’s previous coverage of trans* issues can be found here.
Let me start this off by saying that I am a woman and that is how I identify 95% of the time. Female is how I present myself to the world and it is usually nobody’s business what kind of business I have in my panties. Even my driver’s license says “female” and those things don’t lie about anything except my weight. Unfortunately, I feel the need to attach an asterisk to the “woman” label from time to time as the situation demands. In the gender binary dating system, my choices get boiled down to a radio button that claims either “male” or “female.” That works fine for government documents but doesn’t tell the whole story when it comes to my body. Don’t get me wrong, I really don’t enjoy feeling like a peripheral, marginalized part of society on the outskirts of society, and I’m definitely conflicted when it comes to la revelación. Even if given the choice to put something other than those two, I’d probably stick with “female” because I would want to avoid judgment.
For you folks at home, I am a thirty-two year old transwoman living in Nashville, TN and I’m currently saving up to afford vaginoplasty so that I can finally look good in yoga pants. I won’t lie, I can totally rock a bikini if need be, but vigorous moving around can Release the Kraken so to speak, and then you’re stuck with an awkward lump in your knickers where should only hang a fine set of vaginal drapery. Unlike many women, I’ve never bled from a birthing canal in an attempt to cyclically shed endometrial lining, but I hold many other life experiences in common with my cis-ters. Earning less in comparison to male counterparts with equal career experience? Check. Being talked down to by men who think that their penis is some kind of Arthurian legendary sword that bestows kingly authority? Check. PMS, though there’s never an “M” and the fluctuation only occurs when my dosage gets screwed up? Boy howdy, check! The point being that estrogen flows quite heavily through my veins, testosterone is suppressed as much as possible, my boobs catch the attention of men, and I willingly watch ABC Family Christmas movies and cry at all of the poignant, hokey moments. While that does not sum up every woman’s experience, it falls well within the realm of “this person is probably a female” as opposed to “high five, bro, you’re a dude” experiences.
With that awkward introduction/explanation out of the way, I would like to talk about my experience with dating as a woman → subcategory: transwoman. I started transitioning from male to female in January of 2011, a couple of months after I turned 29. Separation from my wife led to the revelation that I needed to stop living my life in order to make others happy (while constantly struggling inwardly) and start taking steps towards finding happiness, meaning, and fulfillment in my own life. That first year was one filled with tremendous tumult and it wasn’t until my 9th or 10th month that I decided I looked okay-ish enough to try dating as a transwoman. I actually started seeking a partner by signing up for a sketchy transgender woman dating site. I could tell that it was sketchy by the site’s background being set to black and the ads for porn everywhere. It was definitely the kind of place you were afraid to close your eyes and randomly click about (unlike, say, the Google homepage). The premise was simple enough: transwomen on one side, men on the other, and a virtual 8th grade dance hall in the middle filled with size 11 shoes and stubbornly hairy upper lips. For the most part, everyone was respectful to each other and there were lots of foreign marriage proposals coming my way. Personally, I wanted a man that was local and didn’t require me to learn Czech or Russian. I gave the site about two or three weeks before I decided to move on to my first, middle, and last dating site love: OKCupid.
I prefer OKCupid for a lot of reasons. It is easily accessible by everyone, you can screen people by their match percentage based on answering questions about your preference for bacon and atheism, and, most importantly, it’s free. I mean, I guess I could have used a paid-service dating site, but I was still a bit leery of my chance to actually find love. Yes, that first year came with a lot of self-loathing about my body (yay initiation to womanhood.) When I first made a profile on the site, I outed myself as transgender in the very first line of the profile. I had spent so long being dishonest with myself that I needed to just be overtly honest in everything I did – a practice which I still tend towards way too often. At the time, I was only looking for men and it wasn’t until about six months later that I altered my profile to read “bisexual,” and then eventually “gay” because free OKCupid dating profiles attract all the men and that’s not often a good thing. If you’ve ever had a vagina or looked like you had a vagina, then you know that in real life there is a subset of obnoxious men who just want to hip-thrust their pants towards the general direction of your ladying. This same group of men seems to congregate on OKCupid. I suspect that one day, evolution will find a predator willing to thin the herd of these alpha douches, but I doubt such an evolutionary leap will happen in my lifetime. I’d like to throw in a disclaimer here that I am by no means a man-hating She-Ra. I’m specifically against the irritating assholes who drive women towards lesbian relationships with their intense awfulness. Adding to their oh-so-fragrant, vinegar-based douchiness is a desire to assert their heterosexuality because gaying is the worst thing ever. So, if you’re a transwoman who just happens to be looking for an honest, normal relationship, then you first get ridiculed – “haha, you’re a tranny and I’m not gay, you queerbag” – and then you get inappropriately propositioned. Pornstache put it best in OITNB season 1, episode 3 when he said, “Besides, she used to have a dick, so she knows what it likes.“ I feel like this aptly sums up what men who are like George Mendez assume when it comes to transwomen.
I’m really not sure what exactly determines the order of attraction in the minds of lascivious dudes. Is it, “Oh my god! Tits! Ass! Face! This is a woman and I must find some way to get my penis involved!”? I’m also completely baffled by how some male specimens can be so incredibly rude to a stranger with no remorse for their actions. Anyway, I was sometimes floored by the messages I received as a result of the reactions to my transgenderness. One of my favorites was from a man with whom I shared a 72% match (not too shabby!) The entirety of the message went like this: “Your not a woman so why are you in my matches. I am seeking a female with vagina but will settle with your ‘asshole’ if you want?” Obviously, I was immediately charmed by his eloquent prose, but I decided to ignore his manly, pheromone-drenched, online mating call. I did want to ask him why “asshole” was quoted. Was he using it as a metaphor for the common man’s struggle against government regulation and oversight? I felt that answers to such questions would likely overload my tiny, delicate female-sans-vagina brain. Not long after that, I changed the placement of where I revealed my transwoman status on my profile to the end. This way, men were forced to read through ALL of my amazingness to get to the (*spoiler alert*) Crying Game surprise ending. Truly, there is nothing worse than finding out that the person you love, like, or sorta tolerate is by all intents and purposes (except childbearing ones) a woman: tits, farts, and all. After that, the delightfully rude messages were usually replaced by the occasional brusque brush-offs. This isn’t to say that I got no genuine messages from some truly darling men. I did. Some of the conversations were polite and brief, realizing that we didn’t have enough in common, or went on for a bit and resulted in rather lackluster dates. That was normal and it was a good, close second to what I was seeking all along.
I eventually removed “transgender” from my profile altogether. By this time (maybe nine months to a year after I started looking), I pretty much stopped responding to any and all men in preference for the better sex. When I start a conversation with someone new, it is usually within the first five or so message replies that I find a way to work in that I’m a woman with an asterisk. It is still really important to me to be honest to those with whom I’m trying to create a connection. In the social experiment I call my life, I have observed just how readily people can make snap judgments. Most who were bothered by it probably just looked at my profile and said to themselves, “that’s not for me,” and that is 100% just fine. The assholes who judged my book, Remembrance of Trans Past, by its cover and decided to act out ruined it for the genuine guys who probably would have been half-decent lovers (if trained well, of course.)
Tags: dating, lgbt, relationships, the trans* series, trans* issues
“the irritating assholes who drive women towards lesbian relationships with their intense awfulness”
now i’m picturing, like, THE BEST cowboy roundup, with a bunch of wild lesbians stampeding towards a corral and a bunch of douchebags on horses rounding them up, going “YAH! YAH! I CAN CHANGE YOU!” and the lesbians are all whinnying and running away from them.
I swear that every lezzie social I’ve been to has a woman who is new to the community with a story that evokes this kind of imagery.
please start inviting me to those
Yippie-kay-yay, lezzie* lover!
<awkward aside> Since “lezzie” IS slang and I’ve never heard it used in a derogatory manner, I’m using it here for identification purposes. Someone please let me know if it’s bad in other parts of the world, because I’m often out of the loop and I’d prefer to use positive language </awkward aside>
omg baby girl it’s fiiiiiiine
I’m a fairly straight woman, so I can’t speak to this personally, but I do know that my mama’s generation (50’s-ish) does consider this a hurtful word, and I have heard it used in a derogatory way to describe the queer women in my family. I think there’s a lot of merit to the reclamation of hurtful language, but I thought it was worth mentioning, as that kind of reclamation ought to be intentional!
“You ladies need a hand? I’ll take care of these douchebags.”
“I will also help.”
Sometimes I get anxious about life and start worrying that literally everyone in the world has their shit more together than I do, and then I’ll see something like that weirdo’s message and feel better.
Firstly, I’ll ALWAYS thumb up a comment that contains cowboys, lesbians and horses.
Secondly, really enjoyed your story and I wish you the best on your OK Cupid journey!
“GIDDYAP YA LESBIANS”
Charming. This was charming. Was it supposed to be? There are definitely Big and Important issues that you’ve tackled and discussed, but it was just so…charming. Best of all the wishes to you in all of your journeys and endeavors!
HA! this is so cutely chatty. Thanks!
I did want to ask him why “asshole” was quoted. Was he using it as a metaphor for the common man’s struggle against government regulation and oversight?
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA forever!
Ok, you can settle with my asshole. He’s 6’4″, weighs 270 lbs and is on parole for dangling OK Cupid trolls off of bridges by their oh-so-manly testicles.
Kudos to you for having far more restraint than I could have managed.
“…I needed to stop living my life in order to make others happy (while constantly struggling inwardly) and start taking steps towards finding happiness, meaning, and fulfillment in my own life.”
This is the absolute and complete truth. I can’t overstate how much this realization changed (and is changing) my life. Thank you for your story, and definitely for including this particular sentence. 🙂
“If you’ve ever had a vagina or looked like you had a vagina, then you know that in real life there is a subset of obnoxious men who just want to hip-thrust their pants towards the general direction of your ladying. This same group of men seems to congregate on OKCupid.”
Truer words have never been spoken, let alone phrased so perfectly.
I’d like to throw in a disclaimer here that I am by no means a man-hating She-Ra.
If you were, though, there is not a place in the ‘verse you’d be more welcome.
“Will settle with your ‘asshole’ if you want?” Ironic, since in saying that, he was asking you to settle for an asshole.
especially right after "release the Kraken."
“I suspect that one day, evolution will find a predator willing to thin the herd of these alpha douches”
I’m an atheist, but am considering praying for the coming of this blessed predator.
This was entirely delightful. I especially enjoy your wanton gerunding!
I had to looking that word up and now I am utterly entranced by the awesoming that is “gerund”. Thank you!
“I suspect that one day, evolution will find a predator willing to thin the herd of these alpha douches”
Look, if there is a kickstarter to fund research for genetically engineering said predator, just point me in the right direction. My dollars are your dollars.
Love,
also gay on OKCupid if not quite as gay in person, but still, fairly gay
They could fund it by making a documentary out of it: “Douche vs. Predator”. I’m pretty sure it would be just like the “Alien vs. Predator” movie, just minus the non-Predator aliens.
XOXO,
Oh-Gay-Cupid!
What is it the kids say these days? “Shut up and take my money,” right?
a wonderful read 🙂 i myself recently had to start dealing with the douchiness of men attempting to come on to me (trans myself). i knida felt sorry for them though. normally when a guy tries to hit on a a girl the’re somewhere in the middle of a win or the chopping block. but from my point of view (as i know their game) i felt they were fighting away from the axe from the start.
again, i really enjoyed the read and will keep all the things you stated in mind for when i finally decide im ok with myself and the wonderful world of dating xx
Luna, it took me a long time to be okay with who I was before I finally took that plunge, but there’s no need to rush. There were other disappoints me I had, too. I was stood up by the first guy who wanted to go on a date with me. Two months later, he *BEGGED* me for another chance and I relented… only to have him stand me up a second time. Obviously, he was dealing with his own issues (I don’t think he was standing me up maliciously), but it certainly hurt my self-esteem for a bit after that.
I could so relate to this article and it hilariously pointed out many of the problems we transgirls have. Many men, even many of the ones I know and formerly respected, have displayed overt docuhiness since I transitioned. I SOOO love having my body policed by male friends, being talked down to by just about every guy I know as if my little fluffy brain isn’t good for anything other than shopping, getting felt up by old drunks in train stations, being catcalled and having guys gawk in horror when they discover the woman they were formerly entertaining notions of sleeping with still has her “manly bits.” As a straight transwoman, I’m alas stuck with dudes :(. I sometimes despair of ever meeting a guy that will just see me as a woman. After that stunning recommendation of OKCupid, I might still check it out just out of desperation. Keep hope alive!