Being a feminist is a struggle. It is a Sisyphean push to gain new, cutting-edge knowledge about oppressed groups that is never completed, all toward the noble goal of shoving your liberal cred in the face of other feminists to assert your superior un-oppressiveness. But have no fear, my fellow feminists, for I have claimed the title as best feminist ever for once and for all. You, my new subjects, can stop clawing at each for meager ally points, since my total score is so ridiculous that no other shall come close for millennia and beyond.
But what, you must be wondering with bated breath, is this daring activism I have accomplished to earn such a glorious title? What have I done to become Super Mega Awesome Leader of Feminism For Life?
I am in love with a trans woman. Here is an artist’s rendering of me playing the theremin in triumph.
Did that image give you enough time to catch your breath? Have you retrieved your monocle from your champagne glass of male tears? I hope for your sake that it did, because it doesn’t stop there! I also live with her.
I have done so for almost two years.
We moved in together after only two months of dating.
AND WE HAVE ONLY FOUGHT LIKE FOUR TIMES BUT IT DOESN’T REALLY COUNT BECAUSE I WAS JUST IRRATIONALLY LASHING OUT AT HER BECAUSE OF OTHER STRESSORS SO I CHOOSE NOT TO COUNT IT!
WoooOOOOoooohoo0oooOOOoooooooo
Don’t worry about the snow-white colour your hair must have turned to from shock just now. Just think of all the colours you can easily dye it for protest rallies! Rainbow for queer rights! Blood red for abortion! Etc!
Let’s get back to what is actually important: me and my superiority over you and your insignificant bit part in the fight against oppression. Yes, you. You specifically.
I know. Such a feat as mine is incomprehensible to you lowly mortals, but I truly have accomplished this super-duperous mountain of a task.
Now some of you plebeians might wonder; since my trans girlfriend is the one who is a member of an oppressed minority, she must be actually suffering, and therefore she is the one who truly deserves the title of Best Feminist.
Oh, my sweet summer child. You don’t understand. She did not choose to be trans, and therefore her suffering is thrust upon by no choice of her own. I, on the other hand, chose this mountainous burden
Almost every waking moment of every day I have to deal with my beloved partner’s trans-ness trans-ing everything she trans-illy comes into trans-contact with. Especially the new china, which I was very fond of!
Sometimes when I hold her hand in public, people smile at us equally, as if we are some normal lesbian couple. I am stripped of my right to get lavish praise for being the best ally this world has ever seen. They should be all bowing at my feet, the ignorant fools, but rather they pay us equal amounts of attention.
Worst of all, when my girlfriend’s big beautiful brown eyes flutter their long black eyelashes at me as our soft and supple bodies are nakedly entwined in our double bed, our hidden island paradise for two, far away from all the horrible tragic injustices of the world, her soft perfectly pink mouth gently coos sweet declarations for her eternal love for me gently into my ear.
I know. I suffer so much. Your hearts must be bursting from my suffering. Feel free to send me expensive tributes to my greatness. Baked goods are also acceptable.
As your new and eternal high empress of feminism I will lead you all, my legion of mindless drones, into battle. Together we shall purify the world of men and false allies and create it anew, in (mostly) my image.
I’m sure this revelation of your insignificant place in feminism must be talking up much of your emotional energy, and that you have already spent a lot of today yelling at people on Twitter and Tumblr. You can now rest easy, my child. Your contribution to the cause is meager but admirable, like when my dog learned how to “shake.”
You can now rest easy knowing that I am here to lead you with my superhuman feminism. I will need you at full strength for when the war begins.
(Reminder: I am better than you.)
Tags: ash’s gf wrote for us she’s cool with this, cartoons, feminism, lgbt, the rest of you are garbage excuses for feminists, the trans* series, tongues firmly in cheek and also in other places
Favorite tag in the history of the Toast, “tongues firmly in cheek and also in other places”
Excited for the future of that tag.
lol i saw this piece and i got SO NERVOUS but the army of darkness comic assuaged all my fears
I’m also a fan of “the rest of you are garbage excuses for feminists”
Also, yea, everyone should date trans women. Always.
Agreed! Wait.. do you have to date trans women if you’re already a trans woman?
But is she white?
[THEREMIN NOISES]
This is why being an ally is a waste of time; why even do something if you can’t be the best?
Sometimes you have to be the sidekick in the protagonist’s adventure. Just don’t try to steal the spotlight for yourself: http://deadspin.com/how-one-gay-athletes-coming-o…
(Some day I’ll learn how to hyperlink from mobile devices.)
Whatever I’m married to a male lesbian so I win feminism. But I fail at html so here’s the link: http://roygbiv.jezebel.com/this-1987-book-on-male…
ahahahaha “‘make it’ vis-a-vis another woman”
also you missed a REAL OPPORTUNITY to open with “Cisyphean”
(drinks hemlock)
Your name is Ash and you reference Army of Darkness? Honey, you deserve all the gold stars IN THE WORLD. Yes. I shall be happy to serve in your very worthy army, as long as the uniforms are appropriately attractive-yet-functional.
trying to figure out how one could integrate playing “air theramin” righteousness into my day to day life…
ALL theremin is air theremin. That is how theremin works. Because it is the most superior instrument of all, entirely befitting of the Super Mega Awesome Leader of Feminism for Life.
ACCKKK GOD I ACTUALLY KNEW SOMEONE LIKE THIS SHE DATED MY SISTER IT WAS AWFUL SHE SUUUUUCKS.
Phew. Also, ladies who specify they date “women and trans men” this mockery extends to you, ya jerks.
Some friends of mine (one trans guy and two girls) also had relationships with people like that, luckily they didn’t last long.
I, on the other hand, am dating TWO trans women. ¡Bow before me! And I deserve even more praise bacause I’m not asking for cookies… well… whatever…
I have truly been impressed with my failings as a feminist. I will have to make so many sacrifices to my misandry altar of diva cups and mugs of male tears before I am worthy of your presence.
How will I ever get my smug sense of superiority back? Quick! To the social justice neighborhood of Tumblr!
once upon a time, during one of me and my friend’s then semi-regular okcupid lulz trawls, we stumbled on a woman that was only – ONLY – interested in pre-op ftm trans people, and was just aggressive about enforcing that. nobody else need apply! it was the most bizarre thing we’d ever seen on there, and bizarre things are basically okcupid’s bread and fucking butter.
Ugh, nothing makes a smeary mess out of a monocle like male tears, because as we all know, male tears contain extra-smeary hormones that female tears naturally do not, because we are superior creatures. Anyway, thanks a LOT, Ash; now I have to go wash it in the sink. =P
And when they do cry, they call it “eye sweat” for that extra punch of manly man-musk!
I laughed so hard I almost fell out of my chair, which made the baby very confused. I am glad I did not ACTUALLY fall out of my chair because he is in an imitating phase and having him fling himself at the ground ‘just like mommy’ might turn into a problem.
Tell me more! My hair didn’t turn *entirely* white (I think I’ve been over-exposed to The Toast), and I really like the idea of being able to add fun colors without bleaching it first.
I mean, only if Your Glorifulness Majesty is so inclined, of course.
This is fantastic. You really are the best feminist. I can’t even compete.
This is fantastic. You really are the best feminist. I can't even compete.
OH GOD I know someone just like this and I can’t believe she has any friends she’s so insufferable. She only dates people on multiple axes of oppression because she is their white cis savior and brags about it all over the place EVERYONE SEES WHAT YOU’RE DOING KNOCK IT OFF YOU’RE THE WOOOOORST.
Somehow I want to hear aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalll abou this lady…*rubs hands in glee*
And, of course, the “A” in LGBQTA is for “Ally,” right? Yes, yes. Just as I thought.
and also in other places
GODDDD I DON’T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CRY THIS IS SO DEPRESSINGLY REALISTIC
Countdown to a dude cross-posting this as evidence of everything that’s wrong with feminism.
Also, theremins fill me with nebulous dread now. I blame Bryan Fuller.
OMG Regina, you can't just ask if people are white!
I love this.