583 Comments

  1. safvn +20

    There is a cupcake truck at my building for lunch, and it is warm out, and I am going to the beach this weekend, and so I shall rejoice.

    What are you happy about today, friends? Anything good? Or are things not going so great in your life right now?

    1. EPWordsnatcher +13

      I found LIME GREEN MUMS at Trader Joe’s last weekend and they still look perfect and they are LIME. GREEN. MUMS.

      1. safvn +6

        Oh man, YES. I just bought my boyfriend some calla lilies the other day and they are so very pretty.

    2. logicbutton +8

      Right now it is unbefuckinglievably gorgeous outside, and Monday is a holiday.

    3. ArsenioB_Ham +7

      There is a very large Unhappy thing sort of looming and I have no idea when it will hit, so to speak. But I’m trying to just ignore it because it’s nothing I can do anything about. Instead I’m excited that Mr. Billingham and I are going on an IKEA adventure tomorrow to get some furniture to improve our kitchen and home office.

      1. safvn +5

        Aw, I am sorry. IKEA is a good thing to focus on! I’ve never been and it sounds so exciting. The closest one to me is 5 hours away.

    4. CleverManka +18

      My beloved is going to an SF convention this weekend and I have the house to myself for two and a half days. SO EXCITE. I’m not going to shower until Sunday morning–I doubt I’ll even get out of my PJs–and am going to spend the entire time reading porn on the couch with the stereo turned up as loud as I can stand.

      AW YISS.

    5. deleted7410012 +8

      i have a job interview next week! that’s definitely good, but nervewracking.

    6. renmunch +8

      I’m happy that I have a weekend day off that I didn’t specifically request off because I had plans.

      LAZY SATURDAY AT HOME, JUST LIKE OTHER PEOPLE.

    7. tubatoothpaste +8

      The weather’s supposed to be nice this holiday weekend and I’m going to spend it tricking out my patio with furniture, lights, plants, etc.!

    8. deleted2997279 +7

      I am happy that I am past the not-good parts of this month! I was wallowing in my crankiness about the first half of May and decided last night to buck up and at least fake being not-cranky and low and behold, I am no longer wallowing in crankiness.

    9. eastcoastanne +6

      I took the day off and am sitting at home, with a breeze blowing in the window, catching up on the Good Wife and eating cookies. So, happy indeed!

    11. wisco_disco +5

      FOOD TRUCKS ARE THE BEST and I think I’m going to go get cheese curds at one in a bit, so that is good, even if my being apparently unfit for any and all paying jobs is not so good.

    12. kilks401 +2

      It is a long weekend and I am finding a group of friends in a new city that I will most likely be hanging out with this weekend. Also, the weather is gorgeous today.

    14. rubelang +3

      safvn, I love the cheer you bring to the open thread!

      Old friend is visiting this weekend, and I’m hoping we’ll get to look at the unicorn tapestries and wander around the park.

    15. daisicles +3

      I got off work at a reasonable hour every single day this week. Last week I was out of my house for 17 hours straight two days in a row and I didn’t even get the whole weekend off afterwards (what, I ask, is the point of being pathetically underemployed if you can’t at least get two days off in a row?) to catch up on my missing sleep, so working reasonable hours close to home is awesome.

      And! it’s nice and warm outside and I’ve been pulling out all my skirts and sundresses for it.

    16. MaladyDee +1

      I’m happy because today was the first thunderstorm of the summer and my new apartment has a pretty great window for thunderstorm watching. And also I have wine to drink while I listen to the thunder.

  2. Es_Petal +5

    May I wail a bit? I’m just back from the hospital after a steroid and local anaesthetic injection into my sacroiliac joint, and I am currently non-weightbearing on my left leg and the only comfortable position is lying on my right hand side! I am taking applications for minions to come and serve me this weekend.
    The consultant said the anaesthetic might make my leg go numb and why had I driven there (um, because you didn’t tell me I shouldnt?), and I bloody wish it would as it is raging pins and needles in my left butt cheek and all down the back of my leg.

    If it sorts out this accursed injury I hve been battling since last July it will be worth it, but it’s not shaping up to be a very fun weekend.

      1. Es_Petal +5

        Thankyou! My backside has gone numb now, I keep poking it and it’s weird that I can feel nothing.

    2. CleverManka +7

      THANK YOU. Adding this to my arsenal of responses when people look at me like I’m nuts for not buying things from Amazon.

      1. catoclock +10

        I work for an indie publisher and every time I read about what Amazon is up to I go into an incoherent rage spiral

    3. deleted2997279 +5

      Relatedly, kobo books is having a huge sale this weekend, if people are looking for someplace else to get your ebooks!

      2. deleted2997279 +1

        I love Emily McDowell! I asked for an etsy giftcard for my birthday so I can buy, among other things, allll her temporary tattoos.

  4. EPWordsnatcher +7

    Does anyone own a Roomba or Roomba-type robotic servant? Talk to me about them.

    1. jhsaxena +9

      I just ordered one! A friend of mine loves hers and completely sold me, plus I have two cats, and am very hairy myself, so the house is inconstant need of maintenance.

      2. EPWordsnatcher +29

        …actually, can you ask Matt to illustrate its doings for us? I feel like that would make life better for everyone on the planet.

        2. Household_Opera +3

          Seconded! The potential for “cats reacting to Roomba” hilarity is so high!

    2. ArsenioB_Ham +6

      My old housemates (a married couple) got one from their wedding registry and it was awesome. It needs to be cleaned out every few days or so but it was great at keeping on top of the pet hair situation caused by three dogs. We had it set to do its rounds in the middle of the night and it was pretty quiet. Unless I was up really late, I never heard it doing its thing.

    3. safvn +13

      I kind of have one by proxy, in that both my parents and my boyfriend have one, and I have nothing but love for them. They are kind of like pets in that they make cute little noises, and they also clean your floor really nicely.

    4. fictitious +11

      I own a Neato XV that I bought via eBay (so a bit cheaper). It’s amazing because it uses laser vision so is not prone to running into things (Roomba is a fan of navigation-by-running-full-tilt-at-walls). It’s only got so much range on its battery (can do living room, hallway, kitchen/dining/bathroom but has to return itself to base to recharge before it can hit our bedrooms), and I did have to replace the battery after 18 months.

      BUT it is the best thing ever to turn the vacuum on while you head out the door and come back home to a clean house. Also, I have a robot servant now, so my childhood dreams = fulfilled.

      1. EPWordsnatcher +4

        I’ve heard very good things about the Neatos! Also IT IS CALLED A NEATO, this has to count for some/all of the points. How long have you had yours?

    5. loren_smith +23

      Oh I have one! It is about three years old and I live in a one bedroom carpeted apartment.

      It is HILARIOUS! We stuck googly eyes on it, but they fell off and Roomba vacuumed up his own eyes.

      It works “okay” – we have him programmed to run three days a week at lunch, and we block off our bedroom and bathroom on those days. About 50% of the time he successfully completes his duties, the rest something happens and he fails. Frequently his brushes get clogged, or he gets himself stuck under the couch. We do have to vacuum once a week with a real vacuum. I’m glad to have him, but I am also glad he was a gift and we didn’t spend money on him.

      1. EPWordsnatcher +23

        We stuck googly eyes on it, but they fell off and Roomba vacuumed up his own eyes.

        This is hilarious and horrifying.

        2. loren_smith +9

          One time his battery died at the front door and I couldn’t get into the apartment. He is out to get me.

    6. sofie_fatale +7

      I want one SO BAD and I think this thread has convinced me. I’m allergic to dust such that I get flare ups for both vacuuming (because it stirs up the dust) and NOT vacuuming (because the dust is just sitting there). DJ ROOMBA SAVE ME!

    7. citizenchristy +7

      Really good for carpeted floors. Shit at rugs and wood flooring. Do you have long hair? Do you have pets who shed? Is your floor shaggy and soft? Then go for it, because that guy’s about to become your best friend. (Ours is named Roland, and he’s tucked away for the time being because wood floors.)

      1. EPWordsnatcher +4

        Yes to long hair, no to pets (sadface), yes to shaggy floors. Send my love to Roland.

  5. jhsaxena +61

    1. I’M GETTING MARRIED IN 8 DAYS FUCK

    2. Is anyone else constantly convinced they’re pregnant? I think I saw one episode of ‘I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant’ and now, even though I just had my period, I think I’m one of those women who has no bodily changes and then poof, there’s a baby.

    1. catoclock +10

      Yes constantly all the time ahhhhhhh.

      The only episode of that show I’ve seen was called BABY IN A SHOE and it traumatized me forever.

          1. EPWordsnatcher +14

            HOW BIG A DAMN SHOE WAS IT

            I am absolutely picturing this as some sort of “old woman who lived in a shoe” scenario

      2. thebellewitch +12

        My favorite episode is where the woman goes on a boat with her much younger boy-toy and he passed out drunk in the cabin (they don’t say this explicitly, but he totally was) while she goes out on the bow?? and is screaming in active labor.

        I think he eventually woke up, and she got back to land in time to have the baby on the dock. Man, I love that show. I watch it like I read ghost stories.

        1. hearyoume +11

          This is also my favorite episode BECAUSE IT IS PERFECT. I love how the mom’s all like “I can fit into my 13 year old’s jeans!” and then “Waaaah I can’t fit into my 13 year old’s jeans!” and then her super hot boy toy is just too drunk to be useful.

    2. vmartinipie +16

      I am always convinced, even though I now have an IUD, and even when I was not having le sex with anybody. Apparently biologically dudely types do not understand this but my sister explained it to me once as our lizard brains preparing for the day we actually are.

    3. jazzedloon +27

      Jaya I openly refuse to learn how babies work, for fear that I’ll get knocked up by knowledge. I think I am pregnant 100% of the time; 110% if I take my pill over an hour late.

      1. EPWordsnatcher +18

        Sidebar to the “getting knocked up by knowledge” thing (makes sense!) is “watching movies about unexpected pregnancies.” Surely these will all lead to our untimely impregnations.

      2. safvn +4

        Correct. Approximately once every two months, I take my pill a day late, and I spend the rest of the month panicking.

        1. Rianne +4

          This is most of why I stopped taking the pill. I was bad at taking them at the same time everyday and bad at not being stressed out of my mind.
          Nuva Ring was great because I only needed to remember it twice a month. IUD is even better because I just need to keep track of what year I had it put in. Which I’m actually concerned about.

      1. robot_dinosaur +9

        I always thought that I was the only one who worried about this despite there being LITERALLY no way for me to be pregnant at this time :O

    6. tubatoothpaste +6

      I refuse to watch that show because it will make me more paranoid than I already am.

      1. jhsaxena +17

        I think I was home sick one day and it was on, and I was just like “hah, I bet these people are dumb” and then I learned IT COULD HAPPEN TO ME

    7. ofTrebond +6

      Yes. I have an IUD and very little sex and still worry. Of course, I also haven’t been to any sort of jungle and still get worried after reading articles about super horrifying parasites, so it may be the same process.

    8. aqueousmedium +10

      My stress/anxiety dreams include: having to write a final for a class I forgot to drop and haven’t attended, an repeated inability to hit the phone key pad properly, and being massively pregnant out of like nowhere. IT IS THE WORST at least so far I haven’t dreamed about being pregnant while trying to dial 911 to get myself out of a Quantum Calculus class.

    9. n0n1c3th1ngs +14

      oh god I used to convince myself I was pregnant even when it was physically impossible (ie, still completely a virgin)… so, yes. YES. constantly.

    10. jhsaxena +16

      Also guys am I pregnant? My period was lighter than usual. The Toast is my doctor.

      1. Prawns +11

        Probably not. Take a pregnancy test and find out for sure! It’s kind of my hobby since I have an IUD and am paranoid about getting an ectopic pregnancy.

        1. LeastBittern +4

          The light IUD periods/no periods: when you buy pregnancy tests in bulk!

    11. aravisthequeen +25

      OKAY THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO MY MOM’S NEIGHBOUR’S KID’S GIRLFRIEND. (I know that sounds ludicrous.)

      She did not know until she was EIGHT AND A HALF MONTHS PREGNANT that she WAS. She went to the doctor because she said she was having horrible stomach pains and the doctor was like “WTF, you’re in pre-labour” and she was like WAIT WAIT BACK THE FUCK UP HERE SIR PLEASE.

      The baby was incredibly cute and born in the hospital and everything, and they were worried something would be wrong, but she was perfect and has the longest eyelashes I’ve ever seen on a now-toddler. So, you know, Weird True Tales.

      3. bearyneat +5

        Dude. Every person I bring up this show is like one or two degrees removed from someone this has happened to! It’s common!

        I know one person who this has happened to, a lady that went to my family’s church when I was a kid. My mom said she knew someone else who at least claimed this was the case, and my friend had someone from his school that this happened to. IT’S REAL GUYS.

        1. bearyneat +5

          I also had a cousin that at 19 claimed she wasn’t pregnant when she oh-so-clearly was. She was thin and that was def a giant preggo belly. Idk if she was in denial/shame or if she had plans to give the baby up for adoption upon birth and changed her mind? I have no idea. No one talks about it. Everyone pretends that her suddenly having a baby after claiming for a few months that she wasn’t pregnant was totally normal. She had no medical care the entire time. She told her parents she wasn’t pregnant just fat, and I guess they went along with it.

    13. m98widow +6

      I had to stop taking the no-estrogen pill and go back to a low-estrogen pill because the one with no estrogen would occasionally delay my period by two weeks. And even though I knew I had taken the pills perfectly, hadn’t had sex in the danger zone, and knew that this was a side effect I kept having, I kept convincing myself I was pregnant. I would worry about it for days and finally snap and take a pregnancy test, which usually prompted my period to arrive 12 hours later.

      Maddening.

    14. OshKoshMalosh +7

      Any time I feel remotely puke-y (like earlier this year when I apparently became suddenly intolerant of lactose), I convince myself that I’m pregnant.

      1. EPWordsnatcher +6

        True story: when I switched birth control pills in college, I briefly became lactose intolerant. It was a terrible time.

      2. bearyneat +4

        When I first went on the pill was like when I first started having sex. The pill itself was making me pukey. So then I thought I was pregnant constantly. :\ Took me a while to figure out that I should blame the pill.

    15. Upsidedown_Cake +5

      I once spent twenty minutes on the phone with a nurse at my clinic while she talked me down because I was (owing to work stress) three weeks late, and I could not find it in me to believe the four pregnancy tests I had taken. You would think that more or less skipping a cycle would be great, but no! I had the most heinous, emotionally out of whack, paranoid PMS the whole time (which contributed directly to being unable to believe the pregnancy tests). The call ended with making an appointment to get an iud. A week later I got the iud, and on that day my period finally started.

      1. Upsidedown_Cake +8

        The nurse who IUD’d me said after the thing was in, “I don’t want you to worry, but there is kind of a lot of blood on the table.”

        I said with great feeling, “GOOD!”

    16. Rianne +7

      I am constantly certain I am pregnant, yes. And since I have an IUD I don’t even have a period to make me feel better. Constantly poking my boobs going, “hmmm, are they sore?”
      But at least I have the excuse of previously getting pregnant while on hormonal birth control to justify my paranoia.
      It wasn’t until AFTER I got knocked up that I found out that my mother and grandmother have also become pregnant while using birth control. Thanks for the warning!

  6. logicbutton +27

    I went to Chicago for a couple days last week! It was just the break I needed, the person I stayed with and I are still friends, we chose a place for dinner one night by googling “lesbian restaurants chicago,” so wins all around. But most importantly, I took THE TRAIN.

    Here I am in the sightseeing car, taking up as much space as I can, drinking a water bottle full of wine, watching AMERICA go by:

    Riding the train was excellent overall, but you guys. The delays. I didn’t mind that the one on Wednesday was three hours late arriving in St. Paul, because I could keep track of its progress on the Amtrak website and just chill at home for a little while. But then on Saturday, the eight-hour trip back ended up taking almost TWELVE hours, partly due to the relief crew that was supposed to take over in Winona, MN just straight-up not being at the station until over an hour after we got there. I don’t even know what happened to the other 2+ hours we lost. And there was no WiFi, so I couldn’t even whine about it on Twitter.

    On the other hand, the Art Institute of Chicago does have free WiFi, which greatly improved my day there.

    1. Frumiosa +10

      I didn’t know there was, like, a lesbian cuisine. What am I missing out on?

        1. Frumiosa +8

          I hope a place exists where all of the food is vagino-centric. Oysters, papayas, hamentaschen…

    2. samburgers +5

      I have always wanted to take the train to Chicago for lesbian restaurants chicago!!! I love trains but the idea of an 8-12 trip deters me because EIGHT TO TWELVE HOURS.

    3. ach_so +6

      I am convinced that there is not a good way to travel. Two weeks ago, my Greyhound bus from Pittsburgh was cancelled. Just, cancelled. They got us all on a bus, we sat there for about 20 minutes, then they told us to get off because that bus was supposed to make another trip. And there was no bus for us. REALLY?!??!???

      I like Amtrak, but it can be kinda expensive and, delays.

    4. deleted9457019 +4

      oh hey how does the free WiFi work? I spend a lot of time across the street from the Art Institute, this could be good to know

      1. logicbutton +1

        Oh, weird, I replied on Friday but it never posted. Anyway, it’s nothing fancy, just an open network with some obvious name like Art Institute Chicago or something.

    5. plspassthePinot +6

      TRAIN + WATER BOTTLE FULL OF WINE = YOU ARE MY HEROINE*

      * = i never know if Im spelling that correctly. What I meant was female hero; what i may have spelled was an intervenes drug?

      1. logicbutton +4

        HEROINE IS CORRECT THE DRUG IS HEROIN

        It was like 11:30 in the morning, too. I felt so smug, I was the smuggest.

  7. Frumiosa +24

    You guy see this ridic NY Post column positing that Jill Abramson was fired for trying to turn the NYT into a misandrist empire? The Revolution must press on!

  8. SSVerity +7

    I know I am way late to this party (sorry, I was in grad school and had no time for reading anything other than whatever found its way into my hands by chance) but my gods, I am so pissed off about the end of the Hunger Games trilogy. My misandrist being just Can’t Deal.

    1. wrappedupinbooks +6

      i hated the end too, it felt like she just totally phoned in the last 20 pages

      1. tubatoothpaste +7

        Yeah, what’s up with that? The first 2/3rds were OK but pretty slow-moving, then the last 1/3 was just one big WTF

    4. deleted2997279 +7

      All I know is it was so dumb I can’t even make space in my brain to remember it.

    5. Rianne +2

      The third book is my FAVOURITE. But mostly for the first half. The end parts weren’t rage-inducing but they did not bring joy to my heart like the some of the utterly wonderful bits earlier on.

  9. werecyclemovies +9

    I AM GOING TO CHICAGO FOR MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND!!

    Chicago Toasties, I want suggestions! Where should I go? What should I do? WHAT SHOULD I EAT?

    1. logicbutton +17

      YOU SHOULD GOOGLE “LESBIAN RESTAURANTS CHICAGO” FOR EATING SUGGESTIONS

        1. logicbutton +4

          DELICIOUS FOLK MUSIC

          (That’s the page we got, too! We ended up at Kuma’s Corner.)

        2. wallsdonotfall +2

          I mean, I spend quite a bit of time at OTS, and it’s true that there are both a LOT of lesbians and some food. (And for a while the cute queer bartender next door would give me free things!)

    2. CleverManka +7

      I’m not from Chicago, but the last time I was there, I went to an Indian sweets store (don’t remember which one, it was on Devon St.) and bought, like, five pounds of assorted desserts, took them back to my hotel, and ate the entire box for dinner. It was delightful. If you have a sweet tooth, I highly recommend the experience.

      1. deleted9457019 +6

        Oooor Chinatown candy shops, if you want pickled licorice orange rind? I always taste a sample, find it amusingly crazy, buy what seems like a small amount, and then find myself unable to eat any more.

        Point being: great to live in a world where people eat wildly different stuff.

        1. CleverManka +1

          I’ve never had pickled licorice orange rind. I have a new Life Goal, now. THANK YOU.

    3. neptunemars +3

      I am not from Chicago, but I’ve been there. I love Giordano’s (DEEP DISH PIZZA YES). Also, check out Second City and see what shows they have. Most of all, enjoy!!!

      3. werecyclemovies +1

        Serious question: Giordano’s or Lou Malnati’s for deep dish pizza?

        1. ofTrebond +7

          I try not to take a strong position on the deep dish pizza debates, as all the top options are delicious, but I do feel the need to point out that Lou Malnati’s has a dessert option that is a giant chocolate chip cookie baked in a cast iron pizza pan and covered in ice cream.

        2. neptunemars +4

          What about both?????? I’ve never had Lou Malnati’s, so I can’t speak about that.

        3. D_e_x +3

          They’re all similar enough to each other and different enough from all other types of pizza that it really doesn’t matter that much. We actually like Pizzeria Due and Uno (the original ones downtown, not the post-expansion ones).

        5. Beckie

          Lou Malnati’s. No question. Make sure you get the butter crust, and the three-cheese bread.

    4. D_e_x +3

      Eat All of The Things. If you let me know where you are staying and what your interests are, I can give you specific suggestions. If you’re in the downtown area, here’s a map of some of our favorite places. I can do different cuisines, budgets and neighborhoods as well. (Sorry, we’re kind of hardcore about food and really love to promote the city.)

      1. deleted9457019 +3

        dude you listed xoco twice, but I think that’s okay because it is that good

      2. werecyclemovies +1

        YES PLEASE ALL OF THESE. We’re staying in the South Loop area, but we want to see more than those few (admittedly very pretty) blocks. Any and all foods/experiments are fair game for us. We’re wannabe foodies on a budget. Thank you for suggestions!

        1. wallsdonotfall +1

          Do you have a car or are you CTA-ing it? From the South Loop, it might be nice to go down to Bridgeport & Pilsen.

          1. werecyclemovies +2

            CTA-ing. As I am from LA, I don’t want to inflict my terrible driving on an unsuspecting city.

        2. D_e_x +2

          If you’re on the south loop, I suggest taking a trip down to 18th street during the day. (We go there at night, but some people find it dodgy.) There is a dizzying array of Mexican restaurants, grocers and bakeries along there. Mexican food here is different from the border states because a lot of people here hail from the interior and coastal regions. Pollo Express is the best chicken on the planet and a couple could stuff themselves for $20 (as you could at most restaurants down there. We ate at Nuevo Leon last weekend and it was $14 with beverages and tax. More than any other restaurant in the city, that one is in my experience the most frequently recommended by chicanos/chicanas. If you’re a bit more adventurous, there’s a taqueria that that specializes in goat (Birreria Reyes de Ocotlan) that is also fantastic.

          Restaurant Row is home to a lot of amazing restaurants and has the bonus of being close to downtown but a few blocks away, leaving the tourists behind. A $5-7 for a cab there, or just take the green line. Three E/W streets of Randolph, Morgan & Fulton, bounded by Halsted on the East and Ashland on the West. Glazed and Infused for donuts. Publican for best modern pub in the city (their pork rinds will blow your mind and their weekend brunch is great as well); brainchild of Paul Kahan, one of 7 or so completely different establishments that are changing the way the country eats. Aviary if you want to splurge for a crazy cocktail night (but it’s not for everyone and is extremely spendy); it’s run by Grant Achatz, head chef of a variety of restaurants, including the #1 in the world on some lists. Belly Q for Asian BBQ. There are lots of others as well.

    6. D_e_x +5

      The four things we recommend to everyone who visits:

      (1) A drink atop the Hancock Tower
      (2) The Architectural Boat Tour
      (3) The Art Institute
      (4) Millennium Park.

      We’ve done all of these things multiple times and never get tired of doing them.

      1. werecyclemovies +4

        About 80% of the reason we are going to Chicago is because I am a gigantic architecture geek. We’re going on two of the CAF tours. Three if I can convince my traveling cohort that there’s no such thing as “too much” Beaux Arts and skyscrapers.

        1. D_e_x +2

          Every single person we’ve ever sent or taken on the cruise has thanked us profusely for doing so.

    8. brigidkeely +1

      Oh, you should come to my house and help me paint! OBVIOUSLY!!!!

      Barring that, the various museums will probably be not too crowded because everyone’s outside grilling. We have some GREAT museums. I’d recommend our lovely lakefront but the water’s supposed to be cold as hell still.

      My favorite deep dish pizza is from Giordano’s & I will fight people about it. If you like popcorn, get some from Garret’s downtown (they have several locations).

  10. BourneApprox +15

    Wheeeee I am off to Marseille in Southern France tomorrow for a conference! But booooo it’s gonna be a damn boring conference (basically about all the dullest parts of my field). Still a pretty good net positive, though. At least I’ve pretty much written my review talk? Two things:

    – I know absolutely no one at this conference, which would be fine except I’m not sure how to feed myself (as a woman traveling alone and with basic-level-French, I *hate* eating alone in restaurants). Do French sandwich shops/chains tend to be open in the evening? Otherwise, I’m subsisting off room service in our conference hotel.

    – I promise you that next week I will post photos of any Provenรงal cats I encounter.

    1. WanderingDancer +9

      Sandwich shops do tend to be open late! I’ve actually had really good experiences with sketchy-looking late-night sandwich shops in Marseille. The night I arrived, I hadn’t eaten for hours and hours and it was about 10 o’clock at night. I had no cash, the only place that was open was a shop that didn’t take credit or debit cards, and I couldn’t find an ATM. I was hungry and fairly incoherent, but the man at the sandwich shop took pity on the distressed American, gave me a (delicious!) sandwich, and told me just to come back the next day to pay him. It was a marvelous way to be welcomed into my new city.

      Also, if you’ve time to wander about, I recommend the pastry shop across the street from the main library, l’Alcazar. It’s got an absolutely amazing selection of North African pastries, and the clerks tend to be super nice!

      1. BourneApprox +2

        Thanks for the advice! I am staying literally footsteps from l’Alcazar, so I am totally checking this shop out. I am a pastry FIEND.

    2. kateeek +4

      Oh, I love Marseille! Depending where you are, there will probably be sandwich shops/kebab joints open late. I haven’t been there in a while, so I haven’t gotten a chance to visit all the new museums that opened, but I’ve heard they’re great. I hope you’ll have time to wander around!

      1. BourneApprox +7

        Mmmm, kebabs. There’s a scheduled day off in the middle of the conference, so my mother-in-law (who is French) is actually taking a train down to meet me, show me the town, and take me out for a nice fish-based meal. She said to “bring good shoes”, so I might end up getting to see a least a few of those museums.

  11. CaptainNancy +6

    I am starting a month-ish of holidaying next week (a few short trips and one long one), and am finally starting to get to the looking forward to it part!

    Does anyone else have planning stress right now?

    2. plspassthePinot +2

      YESSSS lady you are not alone. I am always somewhat stressed super planning holidays but i love it so much it ends up a net positive.

      See also: WTF should I do w my summer since i quit my job and don’t give a fk about anything like RiRi until Sept.

  12. deleted7214754 +19

    Toast points: A man is moving into my apartment this weekend. A man I love, but my days of glorious solitude are coming to an end, and I am quietly freaking out. Advice required.

    1. Bryn (Plus Others) +7

      Lots of deep breathing, to start!

      You guys have talked about how things are going to work, yes? Like, how you will still need solitude and just because you live together does not mean he will be entitled to every second of your time?

      Is it a big enough apartment that you can have a corner/space/room of your own?

      1. deleted7214754 +18

        Yes, thankfully – It’s small, but there is space. And I look forward to changing my bathtub-based reading-and-watching-30-Rock-reruns-via-laptop-perched-on-the-sink habits not one whit. Except he could refill my wine, I guess. I think he’s up to that task.

          1. deleted7214754 +17

            Oh, my God, maybe this isn’t a loss of solitude – it is my opportunity to become misandrist hero AMY TAN!!

    2. samburgers +17

      Burn him to the ground. NO MEN NO EXCEPTIONS, says the sign on my door.

      Hope that helps!

      1. deleted7214754 +4

        You may have cracked the code. Adding “matches” to my Billfold estimate, brb.

    3. deleted2997279 +9

      Don’t be afraid to assert when you need alone time! Sometimes it is perfectly fine to be in the apartment at the same time but not be ~~together~~ in the apartment.

    4. BourneApprox +11

      Drink something fizzy today and spend as much time as you can belching loudly. This is what I miss most from my solitary years.

      1. deleted2997279 +15

        Or you can just keep belching as normal. “If he doesn’t love me at my normal digestion, he doesn’t deserve me at my gassiest!” is my feeling.

        1. msjinxie +12

          That’s probably true, but one thing I love about being single and sleeping alone is being able to fart with impunity.

          1. deleted2997279 +13

            Oh wait I got my quote messed up! “If he doesn’t love me at my gassiest, he doesn’t deserve me at normal digestion”

            I don’t know, maybe I’m choosing a dumb hill to die on, but this whole OMG I live with my boyfriend I can never poop/fart/burp again!1!1! is so ridiculous. Yes, there’s a certain romance you might want to keep going for awhile, and a certain general consideration for others you should abide by, but seriously…if it’s 2am, and we’re sleeping, and I have to fart….I’m farting. He’ll live.

            And this isn’t coming from someone who loves potty humor or purposely farting on one another or anything, I swear. I just get annoyed at telling women who are moving in with their partner that they have to hold up this ladylike image that she never does anything “gross” with her body for what – the rest of your life? I thought we were above that.

          2. BourneApprox +6

            This is all very true. It’s not so much that I’m afraid to burp around my husband. It’s that some small part of me still wants to say “pardon me!”

            Another, single part of me wants to not only keep belching, but also try to beat my previous sound volume record.

          3. deleted2997279 +8

            Well that’s what I mean by a general consideration for people – I burp in front of my partner and vice versa, but nine times out of ten we say excuse me because that’s the polite thing to do! And usually the 1 time we don’t is because it was particularly impressive and we discuss it, so: go for that record, girl!

          4. Es_Petal +3

            I say pardon me when I belch in front of the catsโ€ฆ (I live alone.) My other half and I belch and fart around each other with impunity. I was grossed out the time we were on the phone and I heard water running and it turned out he was peeing. I didn’t need to hear that.

          5. RoseCamelia +3

            Yes, ridiculous to change ones habits for a lover. The only difference between my living alone and living with my partner is: I close the door to the bathroom if he’s in the house. Otherwise, it’s all me, all the time.

          6. deleted7214754 +9

            Ya’ll, I am going to be just as disgusting as ever, but my impending loss of seclusion was an excellent excuse to leave work early and deposit myself on the couch sans pants, but avec Chipotle, beer, and Toast.

            @polka_stripes, I will die with you on the hill of burps, the slopes of polite but persistent gassiness.

          7. deleted2997279 +4

            I also highly suggest continuing your no-pants-on-couch routine, because ::wiggles eyebrows::, but THAT is not a hill I’m willing to die on (see, I do know when to let things go!)

    5. Samk12345 +2

      Put a sign on the bottom of the toilet seat that says “Please close me” when it’s lifted. =D

      1. BourneApprox +7

        My husband is very good about closing the toilet. But we have a middle-aged dude in our office who does something worse in our shared unisex bathroom. Sometimes, he doesn’t put the seat down. But other times, he never actually put the seat up in the first place, and then gets man-pee all over the seat. On the floor sometimes too. He also smokes like a chimney and leaves his scent behind.

        DUDE ARE YOU AN ANIMAL.

      2. Alli525 +9

        My roommate and I have frequent visitors, many of whom are male, and we finally took a dry-erase marker to the underside of the toilet lid and wrote “Ladies live here. We don’t like it when you leave this up.” It has worked remarkably well.

    6. mollyculetheory +13

      Yesss I love my cohabiton but he is ALWAYS THERE and I really miss just having hours of being awake in a space without another thinking brain in it.

      Tread very gently when broaching the idea that you need Alone Time but it has nothing to do with enjoying/not enjoying his company because, ugh delicate man feelings.

      Last night he said he was going out with friends but by 11 PM (!!) he was still in the apartment faffing around and I was seriously like WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE YOU SAID YOU WERE LEAVING WHHYYYYY DDDD:

        1. mollyculetheory +19

          The day after having a conversation about personal space he texted me asking if I wanted him to sleep at the office. YES SIR that is a logical escalation! Please spend the night huddled under your work desk! Better yet, in a cardboard box under a bridge somewhere! lol ):

          1. LeastBittern +8

            “I would be so much better at dealing with your passive-aggressive bullshit if you’d leave me alone in the house for a few hours!”

      2. SSVerity +7

        OMG, yes, this. If I have been led to believe there will be some time of solitude, I better damn well get it!

        1. ofTrebond +13

          I am so bad at hiding my disappointment when I think my roommates won’t be home and then they are. “Oh. You’re here.”
          “It’s just, I thought you would be at work.”
          “So… you’re going to be here all night then?”

  13. deleted7410012 +5

    alright, my toasties. give me advice.

    so, a girlโ€”a cuuuute girlโ€”asked me out on a date. usually i’d be like, hell yeah, let’s get down to dating, but my brain won’t shut up.

    1. i work with herโ€”but i miiiight be on my way out of that workplace, so. also it’s not a power-imbalance situation. it’s just a “oh this might be awkward” situation.
    2. but speaking of power imbalances, she’s 5 years younger than me (20, 25 respectively). so we’re both adults and she’s got her shit together (like way together) but this still gives me pause. 20 is still pretty young, no matter how mature and awesome she is. but i don’t want to be condescending either??
    3. if i admit it to myself, yeah, i totally have been checking her out. so there is interest there. but i never actually thought about it seriously? so it surprised me when she asked me out, but i gave her a tentative yes, like, we should get to know each other a bit better first and see where it goes.
    4. so i’m kind of just going along for the ride, like, a cute person asked me out, i’ll say yes!
    5. this makes me feel kind of bad, like there’s an imbalance in interest there?
    6. which just seems like a GIVEN, but this NEVER has made me feel bad when i’ve dated men, so what the stuff, brain?
    7. is it maybe because i feel like there’s already an icky power imbalance because i’m older? even though i find her intimidatingly cool?
    8. is it because i’m also insecure in my inexperience in dating ladies? and my brain is trying to give me excuses?
    9. should i write this off as a bad idea?
    10. we’re taking it crazy slow anyway and going on kind of friend-dates first?
    11. this is a cute lady and we might get to make out, why am i not just barreling face-first into it?
    12. because i care about hurting her???
    13. i never really care about potentially hurting men, ha. oops.

    13 seems like an auspicious place to stop. HELP ME, TOASTIES.

    1. wrappedupinbooks +8

      i feel you on the being more considerate of female feelings. i think it comes from a place of gender-based solidarity, at least for me. you should go for it!

      1. deleted7410012 +3

        yes! like, i don’t really think i flail about, hurting men willy-nilly with no consideration for their feelings. at all. but as far as dating goes, i never think, “i’ll feel sooo bad if this doesn’t work out even though i barely know him, because i’d really feel awful if i let him down somehow.”

    3. RoseCamelia +18

      Breathe. Be in this moment. It’s one date. Enjoy one date. Think no further into the future. That way lies misery.

      1. deleted7410012 +4

        thank you. this is such good advice. i have no idea why i have no problem with this in my dating history with men, but i overthink things with the ladies. bisexual insecurity? is that a thing??

        1. Bryn (Plus Others) +10

          Well, for me when I am doing the thing which is not the normative thing, I always feel like I have to do it JUST RIGHT. In part because there is not this huge set of cultural scripts that are telling me what to do, and in part because I feel like I have to justify my non-typical behaviour by being perfect at it or otherwise maybe I’m letting down the side and/or I’m ‘not really like that’ or something. Kind of a mix of performance anxiety and imposter syndrome, maybe.

          I agree about the breathing, and just being in the moment. Even though it’s so hard!

          1. deleted7410012 +3

            yes yes yes. you articulated that kind of anxiety pretty much perfectly, haha. there’s definitely a worry that, if these dates don’t work out, it might read as “dating ladies doesn’t work for yeah_elle” rather than “oops, i guess not this particular lady.”

          2. Bryn (Plus Others) +2

            Well I will cross my fingers that it is a great date and that the anxiety monsters settle down.

    4. ofTrebond +7

      Oh boy do I feel you on this over-thinking process, but: a cute person wants to go on a date with you. Go on the date and see how it goes. 5 years is not a lot, people have to date people they share groups with or they would never date other than via internet, mismatched interest levels on a first date are assumed because somebody has to be the one who asks. Have fun!

      1. deleted7410012 +2

        thank you! yes, i just have to remind myself of this. it feels awfully silly, i haven’t worried about dating like this in YEARS.

    5. ArsenioB_Ham +8

      Advice from an outsider who is also a way-overthinker: a date is just a date. If everyone’s polite and casual, there’s no need things can’t be fun and easy whether it develops into a Thing or if it’s just a date or two or three and then you go your separate ways.

      I say go on the date (something low stakes, like a coffee shop or casual drinks or a PB&J picnic lunch) and see how you feel. I wouldn’t worry about the interest imbalance at this point. Dating is a way of determining if/how much you are interested in someone; saying yes to a date is not agreeing to a LTR or anything. You can think about it as the date being a way to collect data that will help you gauge your interest level.

      Also I hope you both enjoy some consensual making out times. Those are the funnest.

      1. deleted7410012 +4

        thank you for the advice! we already went on a coffee date and it was nice, and we’re going to see each other again soon.

        i think the overthinking almost entirely stems from the fact that she’s a lady, and i’m so used to dating men (to the point where i basically never overthink dates with them to this extent). silly, really.

    6. hugpunch +2

      I think that such anxiety and overthinking being unusual for you means that this lady could be out of the norm for you, which is not a bad thing. Maybe?

      1. deleted7410012 +6

        i’m…hoping so, that it might be a positive change, regardless of which direction this goes.

        the mere fact that she’s a lady is out of the normโ€”i’ve only ever dated one other lady, the rest have all been dudes, and that’s a welcome change. i think i’m also wary of letting her down because she’s unbelievably warm and positive, which is…also out of the norm for the folks i date, haha.

    7. BunnyBear +4

      Go on the date! 5 years is nothing. It also might help you to think, if you asked a 30 year old out would you want them to be worrying about how youngggg you are and is there a power imbalance and is this ok? No, most likely you wouldn’t (ok well maybe you would but I wouldn’t) because 5 years is a minor difference and also you are an adult and you can make choices for yourself. Given that she asked you out, I really wouldn’t worry about hurting her she’s clearly comfortable with the chance that you might say no and heartbreak is a part of life so…

      Go have fun and just see what happens! It might not turn out to be anything and then you part ways, or it may turn out to be something and then you can have fun together!

  14. CleverManka +30

    I have yet to get a photo of me with my fist (or a billiard ball) in my mouth, but here is a photo of me and my kinda-awesome traps, as promised a couple weeks ago in that Feel the Burn article. Relaxed vs. Flexed:

    So let’s see everyone else’s gorgeous muscles! C’mon, people, I know you’re proud of your guns.

    1. deleted7410012 +11

      i love the raised eyebrow in the first picture, like it’s saying “are you ready for this?”

      JOCK JAMS, your awesome muscles made jock jams get stuck in my head!

        1. Es_Petal +4

          As it should! I am woefully undefined at the minute due to upthread-mentioned back injury, but when my sixpack returns I will photograph it!

          1. CleverManka +3

            YAAAAS.

            And man, dealing with an injury since LAST JULY? That just stinks. I really really REALLY hope you feel better sooner than soon.

          2. Es_Petal +6

            Thankyou! I am *so* bored of it. I want to be this-shaped again. This was 3 and a bit years ago.

            Tattoo number three

            I haven’t lost *that* much muscle, but I can feel the difference and I want my real body back! This one was in March when I had the last bit done.

            Well, that's my back finished.

          3. CleverManka +4

            I completely understand the idea of wanting your body back. Fingers crossed for you! That work is glorious, though, even if you feel like it’s not your *real* back. =/

          4. Es_Petal +1

            Thankyou! I love it, and will love it even more when it is sat on top of my rightful muscles.

          7. CleverManka +2

            XOXO

            The combo of genetics and practice in front of a mirror goes a LONG WAY.

    2. rkfire +8

      Those traps are BALLER. I.. don’t know if I have any muscles of interest to look at, but I think my back does interesting things these days. I’ll see about getting a picture and posting it at a later date since I think the likelihood of me flexing at work is nil.

      ETA: I realize there is some irony since I wrote a Toast article that is full of pictures of me lifting things, but I always figure the interesting part is the weight I’m lifting and not my body. I don’t have any significant muscle definition, and apparently can’t be bothered to do the full-on cut to do so because it’ll interfere with MAI GAINZ.

      1. CleverManka +2

        Thank you! And YAY! I look forward to your pics.

        Also, yeah, I hear you on the lack of significant definition. My shoulders are pretty lean but the rest of me is soft and round. My delts and traps are the only things that are even somewhat defined without me flexing REALLY HARD.

    4. Aunty Maim +4

      Aww yeah, traps are delightful! Here’s a picture of me pre-stroke (I’ve since gained weight and lost definition). Links here never work for me so I’ma just going to post in the plain text and all y’all can copypaste http://imgur.com/2lxgkwi . I had been lifting for 2 years and was hovering around 23%bf, I think I was 160lbs in this pic and was 20lbs away from being able to pull up my body weight.

      1. CleverManka +1

        Jeeeeeeeeeeezus. Nice guns!

        I’m sorry to hear about your stroke, though. =(

  15. Frumiosa +7

    Anybody else excited for The Normal Heart on HBO this weekend? It’s one of my favorite plays, and my friend has a featured role in it!

    3. renmunch +14

      Here is a picture of Munchie stuck in a hamper of freshly laundered clothes:

      IMG_0961

      Laundry day is a very dangerous day.

    4. catoclock +28

      A+ cat stack!

      Here is our dumb baby in a shoebox that we’ve left on the kitchen floor for like three weeks because she keeps climbing inside it and wailing for food and it’s hilarious. We call it the Beggin’ Box.

          1. catoclock +7

            NOT EVEN A LITTLE so it’s a good thing for everyone involved that I have to leave the house and go to work every day.

    5. aravisthequeen +29

      My cat gets stuck between the screen and the glass door because she forgets how to get OUT. She won’t cry, she’ll just wait there patiently for death.

      1. Es_Petal +11

        Captain is a good laptop-rest, but Saffron says the kindle is for her to rest on.

        Laptop tray? Nah, use a cat.

        Early morning upside-down chinscratch

    7. 1sic1 +17

      This is Helios, my current foster. He’s getting adopted tomorrow… yay and aww.

    8. Rosie_M_Banks +11

      This is Livvy starting her career as a bag model:

      (I made a bag from my previous Toast tee, which was alas too large for public wear.)

      1. renmunch +4

        I remember seeing this bag and really digging it when you posted it on Twitter, but I just wanted to say that I love it. (I can’t remember if I expressed that then.)

        Signed,
        renmunch, owner of a gazillion tote bags

        1. Rosie_M_Banks +4

          *blushes* Thanks!

          Munchie is super cute, btw! Livvy doesn’t usually get into the laundry, but she will open up drawers and hide inside, thus getting hair all over my clean shirts.

          1. renmunch +2

            Thank you! Munchie can’t open drawers, but if they are left open, she pulls the clothes out and throws them on the floor. She is such a dirtbag.

    12. BourneApprox +9

      This is, as always the best thread. (And those are the best cats!). Also, everyone’s seen this totally-legit-not-making-it-up magazine cover, right?:

    13. Whimsy

      /Users/lnelsen/Downloads/WP_20131212_001.jpg

      /Users/lnelsen/Downloads/WP_20131221_003.jpg

      My Two Monsters!

      1. whimsy12 +1

        Just Kidding – How do I post Photos?

        (I am obviously a cat person, not maybe an internet commenter….)

        1. Es_Petal +1

          They need to be online somewhere – that looks like paths to somewhere on your computer?

          Once theyr’e online, then [img src=”https://farm2.staticflickr.com/1051/686347200_b108531bf9.jpg”]

          with < > instead of [ ] .

          If you use flickr or photobucket they have direct links you can just paste in – that’s an altered link to one of my flickr pics with the address in the middle. Photobucket has ‘links to share this picture’ on the right hand side, flickr has a little squarey thing with an arrow that you click and it brings up a box with the html link in.

  17. vmartinipie +9

    So okay y’all I am having this weird sort of crisis of place and time and career and whatnot, your normal 23-year-old liberal-arts major with a basically minimum wage job type ish but some things in my life happened to sort of give me this vague plan. 1, my boss told me I am going to get a promotion at work, which means a bit more money coming in in a couple of months; 2, I just visited New York and for the first time was not repulsed by the idea of living there and also realized basically 75% of my friends are there, and 3, I was struck with the desire to finally learn how to drive and maybe also learn to ride a motorcycle.
    So my possibly absurd plan is to work at my job for another year or so, save up money, write as much as possible (haha yes did I mention I am also a writer of course), learn to drive, and then….sell off a bunch of my stuff, ship some, pack up a Subaru or something, and drive solo across the country, sleeping in my car and at the houses of friends I have across the South, to end up in New York, where I will sell the car and just pray to make it work.

    AM I INSANE?

    1. ejbaker13 +6

      Maybe a little, but people do weirder things. If you’ve got any sort of safety net or backup plan in place, I say go for it, you’re young.

    3. PoodlesInHats +3

      No, you’re not insane. Save a LOT of money if you are planning to come to NY without a job though. Join the Coterie on Facebook when you get here (formerly called NYC hairpinners) as there are a lot of writers and job leads.

      Speaking as a slightly older, pretty successful person with TWO liberal arts degrees, there are a lot of opportunities in NYC for liberal arts grads who can write well. (Copywriters, technical writers, content strategists, etc.) The hard part is just getting in the door. It’s a good plan to be open to a lot of industries as well — you never know where your path will take you, and every industry needs communicators.

    4. RoseCamelia +6

      Sounds like a good plan to me. The only improvement I would make is to land a job in NY before quitting this one. But that’s optional. Degree of optional in proportion to level of assets. Congrats on the promotion and on having a good plan.

    5. SmrtCookie +3

      You know, I don’t think you’re totally crazy. YES! Save money, write more, and learn to drive! If you decide to go to NY then you’ve had a year to think it through and prepare. If you decide not to go (which is fine too) you’ll have beefed up your savings account and portfolio and learned a new handy skill. Which is a damn good way to spend a year.

    6. renmunch +4

      As someone who has been trying to move to NY from out of state without a job, rental companies are going to be VERY, VERY VERY HESITANT to rent an apartment to you without a job lined up or some insane amount of money up front.

      But if you have a friend who is willing to let you crash with them until you get a job and apartment, it should work out a little better.

    7. BunnyBear +1

      DO IT it sounds like an amazing idea.

      I second PoodlesInHats suggestion to join the Coterie on Facebook, it’s the toast meetup group and book club and when you get here if you post that you are looking for an apartment or a one month sublet or something I can guarantee that someone will hook you up. Especially if you arrive in the summer, I find there are more short term options then, while you look for a job. People are also always posting job recommendation stuff too. I would also sign up for a few temp agencies (there are some in the facebook doc in the coterie, and also Time Out NY has a good list) to get some short term admin stuff while you hunt for something more).

      Anyway this sounds like a fantastic idea and I’m a little jealous and you should totally do it. Just save up as many pennies as you can, so that by the time you arrive in NYC you still have money for a few months rent and food and whatnot.

      1. kappklot +3

        GODSPEED! I am putting into a similar 23 liberal arts crisis plan that takes me westward from DC to Chicago. And with a fixie instead of a motorcycle. Advice I have gotten includes: “it’s more fun to temp job when you like the other people in your immediate geographic vicinity” “don’t buy a headboard for the first three months” and maybe some of that is also helpful to you?

  18. Lyzz13 +5

    I *just* got told that I may be able to go to the Philippines for 6 weeks to train people.

    But. I feel like Iโ€™m really bad at training people. And itโ€™ll be in summer when itโ€™s extra hot and there are hurricanes. And volcanos.

    But then I have this wanderlust. There are so many places I’ve never been, and I want to go to all of them. And I could be going to one of them on someone elseโ€™s dime. And get paid for it. And I could go to other places on weekends.

    But hurricanes. Gah!

    1. catfoodhairnets +4

      The Philippines is fabulous. Amazing food and beaches and Manila is CRAZY metropolis and typhoons are usually only really a problem late July through September.
      Go!

      1. Lyzz13 +1

        It would be in Manila, and one of my mom’s best friends, who I’ve called my auntie since I was little, is from there and still has family there, who I know she’ll ask to help keep an eye on me, so it’s not like I’d really be all ALONE either.

    2. Bryn (Plus Others) +7

      If any boys show up, we will punish them in the name of the moon!!!

    3. brigidkeely +2

      Oh that’s so perfect.

      If the Brony version of entitled gross misogynist sailor moon fans horns in on this fandom I’m gonna flip a bunch of tables and explode into a volcano.

    1. rkfire +15

      I saw this on reddit and think it’s amazing:

      Sansa, finding her way towards misandry!

    2. ejbaker13 +1

      THIS WEEKS EPISODE WAS SO GREAT AHHHH. Seriously one of the better episodes in a good long while, IMO.

    3. PoodlesInHats +10

      I am so disappointed by the new mountain! He looks 20 years younger than the hound! (Because he is)

      They couldn’t have aged him up with makeup, or kept him in armor? He looked like a cuddly, teddy bear type dude. Even when he was slaying people.

      Also Prince Oberyn is making a strong play for my favorite character, who has long been SER DAVOS SEAWORTH, ONION KNIGHT AND HYPE MAN OF STANNIS BARATHEON

      1. meetapossum +5

        Ser Davos 4 eva <33333 I love my Onion Knight so much. He’s definitely my favorite male character.

        I agree about the Mountain. I really wish they had the guy from the first season, but what are you going to do, I guess.

      2. rkfire +3

        I find the new Mountain so hilarious because he is a LEGIT STRONGMAN and can lift like, 70 billion pounds. He’s amazing. I’m with you though, it seems kind of laughable that he’s the “older” brother.

    4. SmrtCookie +3

      My unsullied sister texted me immediately after the show “IS THAT WHAT HAPPENED IN THE BOOK?” I’m looking forward to her reactions to the rest of the season. I’m also dismayed there are only 3 episodes left. The season just started!

      1. meetapossum +2

        They are going to be an INTENSE 3 episodes. My friend and I just recounted everyone who’s going to die by the end of the season. (And maybe one person who will be undead…)

      2. Alli525 +1

        Who’s gonna tattle on him? The only people in the room were him and Sansa … and I don’t think she’d tell (why would she?)

    6. slankettt +4

      Did anyone else find Petyr sort of super attractive in the past three episodes? (Minus the kissing Sansa part.) No? No?
      Forget I said that.

      1. meetapossum +6

        (Uh, I totally find Aiden Gillen oddly attractive, so his role as Petyr is problematic for me. See also: Iwan Rheon as Ramsay Snow.)

        1. slankettt +1

          Ah, glad I’m not the only one. Admittedly, Petyr is one of my favorite characters, mostly because he’s unpredictable, super clever, and you’re never sure what his endgame is. He’s terrible and super fucked up, but I find him fascinating.

    7. lassotabasco +12

      I am SO DISAPPOINTED we didn’t get to watch Dany and Daario 2 bang it out :(((((((((((((((((((((((((

      WHERE’S MY REWARD FOR SUFFERING THROUGH ALL THE VIOLENT RAPES AND MURDERS?

        1. lassotabasco +3

          I know. I was like DAT ASSSSSSSSSSSSSS but then it cut to, like, 10 minutes of naked Melisandre. Which, awesome, BUT I WANT TO SEE DAARIO.

      2. BunnyBear +6

        When that scene started I was SO SURE we were finally, finally, going to get a dick shot, after all the 6 million naked women or maybe even just a sex scene that’s focused on Dany getting hers and then no, no, we got like part of his ass and then fade to black.

        1. lassotabasco +2

          SO much sad. It was such a good episode otherwise. But it’s like, they show EVERYONE having sex, even people we don’t care about and will never see again, but we’re not allowed to see that?! Whaaaaaaa? ๐Ÿ™

    8. ladypoopjokes +4

      YOU GUYS it’s my first Toast comment ever, right here, right now, and it’s to say that during my weekly ritual of back-and-forth texting of inane GoT speculation with the Guy I Do Sex Things With, Who Was So Gloriously Receptive When I Had To Take Him Under My Wing And Teach Him The Magic Of Feminism, I pronounced that Sansa will definitely get sick of Littlefinger and push him out the Moon Hole and then everyone else will die except her and she’ll be Queen of Everything, and he texted back “all men must die :-D”

      …I’m probably going to let him be my real boyfriend now.

      1. slankettt +5

        He sounds like a keeper. A fellow misandrist!

        Also, Valar Morghulis should probably be the new tagline for The Toast.

  21. renmunch +4

    When I saw the open thread from the home page, my work blocked the image as they do with NSFW images.

    But when I click on the thread, there is a flower on a desk? Why would that be blocked?

      1. renmunch +4

        Oh, duh. I didn’t even consider that.

        BUT, If they’re so sure it’s a vagina, why not block it entirely?

  22. anachronistique +13

    Toasties, my baby sister GRADUATED FROM COLLEGE and I’m still verklempt about it. And I got to hang out a bunch with her and my brother and it was wonderful, and eat a lot of wonderful foods, and spend a lot of time outside in gorgeous weather, and snuggle the dog a lot, and then I came back to Boston and it was all gray and rainy and gross and I’m all sad again. Booooo.

    BUT I only worked two days this week and I have a three day weekend and I’m gonna be A Clean Person and do a ton of laundry and tidy up my room and also make a giant vat of cold-brew coffee. Also, anyone have a good peanut butter cookie recipe? I’m looking for a texture more like regular chocolate chip cookies, not the hard crumbly ones that usually have the fork-mark crosshatch on top.

  23. catoclock +19

    Going to NYC this weekend to see my college bff! I will be insisting on the Cloisters because MEDIEVAL ART.

    1. vmartinipie +12

      My mom and I went and since she also reads the Toast we spent the whole time making up questions the monks would have asked to result in that particular piece. As a result we were laughing like children the whole time. It was great.

      1. Samk12345 +4

        the unicorn tapestries!! Also there is a lot of Dominican food in that hood to eat!

    2. jazzedloon +2

      I tried to get my boyfriend’s parents to drive us to the Cloisters this weekend but faiiiiiillllleddddd. Alas. I’ve never been, because Brooklyn is far. ๐Ÿ™

    3. happyharbingers +7

      I love the Cloisters!! Make sure to check out all of the reliquaries on the lower level, because sparkly corpse boxes are the best.

      1. catoclock +3

        ARE THEY EVER! I like the ones that are just, like, for an entire head. Just put the whole thing in there! That’s not horrifying at all!

        1. happyharbingers +6

          I think the arm ones are my favorite, because priests would wave them around during rituals like an extension of their own arm. Using the saint’s body/presence as a conduit between the human and the divine, and all that. And don’t get me started about all the idolatry controversies!!! Or relic trade! Or relic THEFT!

          I am a huge goddamm nerd about reliquaries, and I am not even a bit sorry.

    5. renmunch +2

      Ahhhhhh, have a great time! That’s one place I really want to go. I’ve been to New York a bunch of times, but have yet to make it there, sadly.

    7. toastbartender +3

      they also have great public tours for free! and they are different and all wonderful. the garden tour is super interesting as are all the rest of them. in fact, since you’ll be up north, might as well book a free tour at the Hispanic Society and admire the Goya!

    8. rubelang +1

      I was planning to go to the Cloisters this weekend, too! It’s GREAT and the park is really nice.

  24. SmrtCookie +9

    Talk to me about canning! I feel like it’s the last missing piece to fully solidify my insufferable hipster cred. What are your favorite foods to put into jars?

    1. Lyzz13 +2

      The only thing I’ve actually canned (well, vacuum-sealed rather than proper canning) was rose petal jelly. Which is absolutely delicious. I think I might do another batch this weekend, since the roses in the backyard are starting to bloom so they shouldn’t be too earwig-y yet…

    2. Virginia +2

      I made a freezer jam out of cherries and lemon peel one year. And then it was practically the only thing I ate (on toast, in yogurt, on a spoon) until it was gone and I had no more lining in my mouth.

    3. evieskye +2

      I do jams (of course) mostly of fruits I long for in the winter (peach, cherry). I also make red onion marmalade (sooo good- I never make enough of it) and garlic dill pickles every summer. Sometimes I do dilly beans and Do Chua (carrot & daikon pickles).

    4. ToTheIsLand +3

      I made batches of apple butter and pear jam with cardamom for people for Christmas gifts this past winter, and I also was like “ugh, I am one cupcake-themed Etsy store away from being completely and utterly intolerably twee”. But everything was delicious!

      This was the site I used: http://foodinjars.com/ She has a lot of recipes and good tutorials on getting started out with canning in small batches.

    5. msjinxie +2

      I love a simple raspberry jam, because it’s super easy and worlds better than storebought. Rhubarb & ginger, also delicious (and in season now!), as is peach/ginger. I made some killer pickled okra & green beans a few years ago and I need to make more because they were also super easy.

    7. parlato1973 +3

      yes, let’s talk about this! i love canning. i’m generally anti-sugar though, so i don’t tend to make jellies or fruit preserves. however, i do like to can seasonal bounty for use later, and found a method i love for tomatoes: raw canning.

      typically, there’s a lot of prep that goes into canning tomatoes. raw canning does away with all that and says: chop em up, add some lemon & salt, seal & process. and i love this. sure, after 85 minutes in a boiling bath, the tomatoes aren’t “raw” anymore, but you didn’t spend hours flash boiling, peeling, de-seeding, etc etc.

      i also like to make hot sauce and then can it up. a big batch can last years! end of summer is when hot peppers are in season, i like to smoke them on the grill and then cook or blend up the sauce & process.

      early spring is a good time to look for baby artichokes. you can follow any marinated artichoke recipe to prepare them, and then process to keep a long time.

      a low-sugar alternative for fruits are compotes that involve cooked fruit, a bit of vinegar and either a bit of honey or other fruit juice, or go savory with seasoning.

      in general, a good canning book is all you need, and when you make variations, follow the closest processing advice to your alternate recipe. you’ll want to look at acidity and processing time, and you can always increase acidity by adding vinegar, lemon or citric acid.

      1. Bryn (Plus Others) +2

        We have like 15 tomato plants in our backyard right now, so I see the possibility of raw canning in my future. Do you have a recommended canning book?

        1. parlato1973 +1

          i like Ball [the jar brand] Complete Book of Home Preserving. it’s a huge book of many different recipe variations, so you have a starter recipe for just about anything you might want to try.

          and, how nice of them, they have posted their raw pack canning prep on their site: http://www.freshpreserving.com/recipe.aspx?r=148

        2. parlato1973 +1

          now that i’m reading it again, i see they still suggest peeling the tomatoes. well, i’ve done it many times without peeling and they are just fine.

    8. laurenipsum +1

      Using regular (Ball or whatever) pectin for jam usually requires 1:1 sugar to fruit, which is too sweet IMO. Look for Pomona brand pectin, which lets you use less or even no sugar if you want.

  25. jazzedloon +15

    Guys. I am so, so, effing (can we swear on here?!) TIRED. I have been running on empty for weeks. I am drained, resentful, hyper-stressed; I’ve been weepy and gross and I’m sure probably a pain to be around. I’ve always naturally assumed leadership roles, in pretty much every situation imaginable– and now it’s just weighing on me. You can figure out how to split the bill for dinner, friend. You can call our landlord, roommate. You, by god, you, college graduate, smart, put-together person you, do not need to call me and ask what kind of cheese we should get for the barbecue. Just get WHATEVER CHEESE.

    The good news is: I am going on vacation– alone! and to my first foreign country!– in SIX DAYS. Guys, I wish I could hibernate til then. I am going to Montreal (if you have ideas, lay ’em on me!! Rookie has already blessed me with millions though, because she’s the best) and I may just sit in my room and sleep and ignore people’s texts and masturbate, because why the hell not. But I will take suggestions, as well!

    2. CleverManka +9

      I may just sit in my room and sleep and ignore people’s texts and masturbate

      That sounds like a pretty fucking great vacation to me. Which…I guess means we can swear here?

      I hope you are able to get some sleep soon and feel not weepy or gross AT ALL very soon now.

    3. EPWordsnatcher +2

      I totally identify with things, especially the bit about relinquishing leadership roles out of pure exhaustion. It’s okay! It is freeing, and reassuring to realize that other people can handle things.

      Enjoy your vacation! You have earned it.

    4. BunnyBear +1

      I have never been to Montreal BUT I am leaving for Montreal tomorrow morning and returning on Monday and I will give you any tips of cool things I see and do that I would recommend. Also I will lurk here in the comments to see if I can steal any tips that people give you of what to do because I literally know nothing other than the address of my airbnb apartment.

      1. jazzedloon +2

        Girl. I recognize you from the Cotiere group! I’ll send you the recs I’ve gotten thus far!!

      2. Bryn (Plus Others) +2

        I went to Montreal for my first ever personal vacation (I was meeting my online SO there but I was going BY MYSELF without kids or any male people who needed caretaking), and it was awesome, awesome, awesome. I suggest La Banquise for poutine, it had a line out the door but it was worth it.

        Also, oh my goodness, the sandwiches. Montreal has amazing sandwiches. And macarons!

    5. Steph +2

      I live in Montreal! What sort of things are you interested in doing? Whereabouts are you staying?

      – Poutine is a must. La Banquise has veg poutine, which can be hard to find, but it’s basically endemic here.
      – The food is amazing, and I don’t even know where to begin to tell you to eat. The food trucks are running now too, and some of them are fantastic. http://montreal.streetfoodquest.com/
      – You can get a week’s pass on the STM (transit — on island buses and metro) for $24.50 — and transit here is pretty good. http://stm.info/en/info/fares/transit-fares/weekl… There’s three day passes as well, and the bus to and from the airport is fantastically useful. ($10 cash, or any 1 day or longer pass)
      – Bixis are great, but drive like the bike equivalent of tanks, so plan accordingly.
      – It’s legal to drink in parks, so perhaps a market + picnic afternoon is in order? The weather’s been uncharacteristically lovely, and I have nothing but good things to say about both the Jean Talon and Atwater markets. (Atwater is next to the Lachine Canal, and there’s some nice parks/trails/etc along there.)

    6. Bryn (Plus Others) +2

      I sympathise with this thoroughly; I hate being in that place where people cannot do basic life skills and so either I end up doing them or nothing gets done and things spiral out into chaos and lack of cheese.

      I hope you have a fantastic time in Montreal. We were there last fall for just a few days and it was amazing, just being in a new place and walking around and eating the food. And saying, “Bonjour, hello!” a lot to signal our utter inability to carry on an actual conversation in French!

    7. bezhang +3

      I was just in montreal last week! lived there briefly when I was 9 but hadn’t been back since. We rented bixis in the old port and biked along the river (canal?) to marchรฉ atwater which was lovely, walked/shopped/drank around the plateau area (metro mont royal/blvd st laurent), had dinner at au pied de cochon and walked through parc lafontaine after. All in all the perfect amount of eating/being active/relaxing/recharging, I’m sure it’ll be just the break you need.

      (this is my first comment after a few months of reading the toast, just had to share because montreal was awesome :))

    8. thecaitd +4

      I just got back from a week alone in Paris – it was my first solo vacation and my first European country – and your instinct to just say ‘fuck it all’ and sleep in and not pressure yourself to see any sights is dead on. You’re gonna have a great time.

  26. ArsenioB_Ham +9

    Warning: SAD POST. Tw: Dad stuff

    I found out yesterday that my estranged father (with whom I have not been in any contact since 2011 and with whom I had been in very limited contact since…2004) is in a coma after an aneurysm/head injury. The prognosis is…bad. He’s almost certainly not going to make it, but I don’t know when things will happen. He’s also in TX while I’m in DC and my brother’s in MA.

    Basically it’s very weird and confusing and sad. He has struggled with mental illness his whole life and we’ve had a complicated relationship for pretty much as long as I remember. I’d appreciate any positive energy or insights y’all can offer, because not only is it hard on the fundamental “my dad is going to die” level, but I don’t know anyone else who has been estranged from their fathers and I am having trouble navigating how to react (and act).

    Halp.

    1. deleted7410012 +10

      first off, i’m sorry. that sucks. it’s hard news to hear, no matter how close or estranged you were with your father.

      i am unbelievably unqualified to give advice on this, but my gut feeling says: give yourself the freedom, as much as possible, to feel however you want to feel, even if it doesn’t seem particularly charitable or selflessly grieving. you might be grieving the relationship you didn’t have with your father, or you might be sad, but not devastated, and that’s fine.

      i don’t know if this is particularly helpful, but neko case spoke about this a bit. she didn’t have a good relationship with her mother or her father, and they both passed away before she recorded her last album. she spoke a bit in some interviews about how strange the mourning process was, and spoke pretty frankly about how she occasionally felt awful for just…not feeling as bad as she thought she was expected to. here’s something she said about it: She had no relationship with her parents โ€” as she puts it: โ€œThey were children and they didnโ€™t want a kid and I was alone most of the time, so I donโ€™t really know what itโ€™s like to have parentsโ€ โ€” but that only made their passing difficult to take in an altogether different fashion. As it turns out, โ€œitโ€™s not any easier if you donโ€™t like them.โ€

      i don’t know if any of that is helpful, but either way: sending good vibes your way.

      1. ArsenioB_Ham +3

        This IS helpful. As I said to noodge4lyfe, kind of the hardest part is trying to convince myself that there isn’t some Right Way to React and that people (not you all, just people IRL who don’t really know the situation) aren’t judging me for having conflicted emotions.

    2. noodge4lyfe +5

      that is really hard, and I’m sorry you’re going through it.

      I have “estranged dad with declining health” issues as well. We keep in touch very sporadically, and he had me much later in life so he’s quite old. His health issues have been difficult to navigate with his natural mental illness induced caginess, and our difficult communication.

      you’ve gotta kinda go with your gut re: how to react and act. I think you’re likely to grieve, but it’s going to be a complicated process (ie, you may find yourself grieving at “inappropriate” times or places – which is ok, that’s grief!) Does he have anyone else he is close to where he lives? Because on a practical level, there will be things that you and your brother will need to do when he does pass away, and if there is a partner on the ground there it may be helpful to reach out to them now to facilitate the planning.

      But as far as the grief process goes, be open minded with yourself about how you feel, especially if there is some relief that he has passed, and doesn’t have to battle his demons (or haunt you with his demons) anymore. Or, if you’re feeling really sad, let that happen too. I’ve always been super hypersensitive to my depressed father’s emotions, so I’m guessing I’ll be feeling both emotions and feeling pretty confused about it.

      1. ArsenioB_Ham +5

        My brother is in touch with his long-time partner (I don’t know if they ever got married). They had lived in New England up until a few years ago when they moved to TX where her son is going to college. I don’t have her contact information (but obviously I could get it from my brother) but I am very nervous about talking to her. At the same time, I don’t want to pile the whole burden of all this communication on my brother, so yeah.

        A few different people have told me that it’s ok to feel what I feel, and I think that’s really what I’m looking for–permission to be sad AND still angry AND hurt all at once. It’s so hard to kick the nagging feeling that there’s a “right” way to handle this and I’m not doing it.

        I’m sending you good thoughts for your dad situation, as well. My dad is bipolar, so I can empathize with you re: having a dad with depression.

        1. noodge4lyfe +6

          I think we can all help you feel ok re: having permission to feel whatever feelings you feel. There is no right or wrong here, and when you start to feel your inner critic start to get on your case about how you feel, gently shush them to sleep.

          Re: your dad’s partner – I was very pleasantly surprised when I called my dad a few months ago, and his partner answered. She was very pleasant (and friendly?) and knew what was going on in my life and was very nice. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that this would be a universal experience with estranged parent’s romantic partners? haha. but you honestly don’t know how it will turn out until you talk with them.

          come back here to hit us up if you ever need a boost – we’ll get the reply notifications and will arrive, via Toast Signal, to ease your worries!

      2. Elsa is Emily +5

        Hearty agreement on the last paragraph especially: whatever you’re feeling is okay to feel, whether it’s keening grief or relief or anger or peace or whatever. There’s no textbook way to experience grief, and that’s doubly true when the relationship has been distant or difficult.

    3. RoseCamelia +4

      Are you OK? This is heavy. I maintain distance from my dad, so maybe we have a bit of emotional overlap. What part of Texas, please? I’m in College Station and I want to help, if that feels OK for you.

      1. ArsenioB_Ham +1

        He’s in the Corpus Christi area, where he and his partner (possibly spouse? Don’t know if they ever married) moved to be near her college student son. I live in DC/MD and my brother is in MA, where we grew up.

        A little bit of Google mapping indicates that Corpus Christi is pretty far from College Station. Which is too bad, because the thought of seeing a Toastie friend while I’m down there is quite nice. I really appreciate the sentiment. Thank you.

        1. RoseCamelia +5

          Pretty far from an east coast perspective. Not so far for western folk. I am often in Houston to see family and would love an excuse to drive to Corpus Christi. Please, please, please do not hesitate to contact me: rcmcdowell at verizon dot net. You are worth a day trip.

    4. deleted2997279 +4

      I can’t help advice-wise, but sending you all my good thoughts. I think a lot of people upthread are right – feel how you feel and don’t feel bad (ha) about it. You don’t owe anyone a justification for how you feel.

      1. ArsenioB_Ham +3

        Thanks. I’m such an over-explainer in regular life and this has really thrown it into hyper-drive. Even though I rationally know I don’t have to feel /one/ way about it or explain it to ANYONE, there’s a part of me that’s like, “Hey, careful, they’ll think you’re a sociopathic robot if you don’t give them the details and justify yourself!”

        1. deleted2997279 +6

          Along those lines – don’t feel bad if you do over explain to someone and then feel differently later! They asked how you were, you told them, and now you feel differently, totally natural. You don’t have to remember “Oh I told Jane I was sad, but told Ruby I was angry,” etc etc, and always stick to those emotions with those people.

          I didn’t think about it, but the poster below recommending that FNL episode is spot-on.

    5. Elsa is Emily +2

      I’m so sorry, it sounds so hard. Sending you all the good thoughts.

      I have no advice to offer except that the experience you’re going through, while unique to you, is by no means unusual in its larger structure. If you’re looking for similar situations to take advice from, you might try searching the archives of Captain Awkward or Ask Metafilter for relevant examples; I think including the words “estranged” and “father” and “illness” or (I’m so sorry, this is painfully blunt) “death” will turn up plenty of questions and, more importantly, plenty of people chiming in with “oh, me too.”

      1. ArsenioB_Ham +2

        Thanks, E. Captain Awkward is such a good resource. Thank you for reminding me!

    6. Bryn (Plus Others) +1

      Yes, it is really hard. You just feel however it is you feel on your own schedule, and it is not the place of anyone else to tell you that how you’re feeling is wrong. So if permission helps you totally have mine. I am sorry you are having to navigate all of this.

    7. Es_Petal +3

      I wasn’t exactly estranged from my dad, but he lived in Iran from when I was 11 (long boring story about why he had his passport taken and couldn’t leave) and I saw him for the first time since then when I was 30 when he finally managed to get out for a week, and then he had a heart attack six months later and died suddenly. I had massively conflicted feelings – while I didn’t hate him, he had been absent most of my life, that had mixed results, and that was conflicting too, and I was upset, and I also barely knew him so I sometimes wasn’t, and and and.

      There is no right way to feel about any of this. We all navigate this shit in our own way. Do you have access to any counselling? I wish I’d taken some grief counselling at the time, even if just to discuss why I wasn’t more griefstricken and why sometimes I was.

      1. ArsenioB_Ham +3

        That situation with your dad sounds really hard! I definitely think you’re right about grief counseling. I work for a University and I’m going to try to contact their EAP services and see what I can do from there.

        Thank you for your words.

    8. no_blues +4

      First, I’m sorry you’re going through this, because it sucks.
      Having been in a similar situation, I am distressingly unsure what I learned that is useful, but: other people’s ideas of grief are not necessarily going to match up with how you feel, and it can be really frustrating and isolating. With people who you aren’t particularly close to or who you don’t really trust in that area, you just kinda have to let it go, and trust yourself that you are not doing it wrong. Because you aren’t. It’s just going to be a weird ride. It’s also an absence that will grow and change with you, in a similar but more final way than the estrangement.
      I also recommend S4E5 of Friday Night Lights for a representation of what might be closer to your kind of grief than a lot of other art about grieving one’s parents, which can be strangely reassuring and make you feel more normal. (It has the funeral in it and all, so plan/be careful accordingly.)

      1. ArsenioB_Ham +1

        I will definitely check out FNL! So many people have recommended the show as a whole that I have had it on my list forever. Thank you.

        1. no_blues +5

          My good friend (who loves it) just calls it Daddy Issues In Texas, which is frankly a good chunk of its appeal to me.

    9. Alli525 +1

      I agree with everyone that’s been saying “feel whatever you want to feel, fuck the haters.” My father and I are fairly newly estranged (4 years… does not seem like that long) and he lives overseas – half Abu Dhabi and half Philippines. When they had that huge typhoon last year, I fell apart because I didn’t know if he was there or in UAE… and regardless of how much I hate him for ripping my family apart, if he had died, I knew I wasn’t ready to be orphaned. My friends and boss were so supportive though, so no matter how confusing it is, they (we!) love you and will keep you in our hearts.

    10. dakimel +4

      I’m slow to read this thread this week but that’s okay, because maybe it’s been close to a day since someone told you that it’s okay to feel how you feel and react how you react and to be conflicted and mad and sad and grim and everything negative as well as neutral and positive. And you need to hear that plenty, because it’s very true.

      Also I’m in Houston (a few short hours from Corpus) & happy to help if you need anything, just DM me.

      Also also, it’s okay to go do fun things and laugh and so forth even while this is happening. Just live your life however you want.

  27. ohmygoshyouguys +10

    Update from last week’s open thread:
    I shot a gun and did archery on Tuesday! The gun shooting actually was not as fun as archery. I’m much better with a bow and arrow and impressed my colleagues with my aim! I really want to do it again.

  28. noodge4lyfe +12

    heavy heavy times. i just dropped the “shit or get off the pot” talk on my estranged husband. we’ve been separated 2 months now. he said he wants to stop doing (specific unsavory behavior) but is nowhere near stopping it after 2 months. so I just said to him “look, do you want to still do (specific unsavory behavior)? because if you do, be honest with both of us about it, because it simply won’t work out. so think on it and let me know, kthxbye.”

    it’s been so drawn out, I’m so ready to make a decision one way or another, and so fed up with his tendency to be flaky.

    1. RoseCamelia +22

      Have you given yourself a deadline yet? Pick a date but keep it to yourself. That’s the day you drop him. Do nothing more until then. No asking, no prodding. Cancel this date only if he grows a pair and comes to you before then with a well-planned presentation of why you should take him back. Anything short of that is not worthy of you. That’s my two cents. But I trust you to do what’s best for you, even if it includes ignoring me.

      1. noodge4lyfe +11

        that’s great advice – it may not work in our situation, but I hope you don’t mind if I poach “I trust you to do what’s best for you, even if it includes ignoring me” to use in any advice that I pass along ๐Ÿ™‚ thank you! xoxox

    3. Elsa is Emily +6

      That sounds hard and brave. I admire you for figuring out how to make a decision, how to pose an honest question, and how to draw lines around the things you need to take care of yourself.

    4. ArsenioB_Ham +3

      Ugh, the slow break up is awful. I hope he can be honest with himself and with you and you can move forward. Way to go you on doing the hard conversation, though!

    5. parlato1973 +8

      i’m sorry this is happening. i think anyone in recovery would say go ahead and move forward. as long as he thinks you might still be around, he might feel enabled to continue, because shit maybe hasn’t hit the fan quite enough for him yet. and frankly, whether or not he does the right thing, you also deserve not to sit around and wait / watch / wonder about it. the personal deadline idea is a good one.

    6. brigidkeely +1

      This sounds very very tiring. I hope you’re able to get a resolution soon.

  29. hugpunch +8

    It’s finally warm, sunny and everything is in bloom in Montana. This is going to be an awesome three-day weekend filled with dogs swimming in lakes, warm breezes, sneaking kisses in the shadows of the forests and plenty of campfire food.

  30. aravisthequeen +5

    FUCK COLD SORES FUCK THEM

    I have one terrible cold sore (thanks to stress: thanks, immigration process, you’re a TOTAL TREAT!) and now one starting on the other side of me. SO AWFUL. SO AWFUL. Abreva cannot work fast enough. The one side is so gross and awful I can barely open my mouth!

    2. msjinxie +3

      3000 mg/lysine until it goes away (and for a couple days after) and try to stay away from arginine (hazelnuts are a biggie) -rich foods, since they can cause or exacerbate an outbreak. I find that to be very helpful in lessening the severity/duration of my cold sores (and if I’m sick, stressed, not sleeping well, etc., I take 1000 mg lysine/day to help prevent). Though obvs. I am not a doctor this is not official medical advice etc.
      I hope you heal quickly, though – I know how awful they feel, physically and mentally.

    3. Goomaly +2

      OH MY GOD I used to get cold sores and Abreva did jack shit. One day I was about to buy another tube but realized it really doesn’t work so I got regular old neosporin. First sign of a cold sore– the teeny tiny bump that you worry is a coldsore? PUT THE NEOSPORIN ON IT. Fuck that Abreva $20 tiny tube.

      I keep Neosporin in my purse now, and that is no small feat because I hate purses and keep only the necessaries in it.

      Also there are anti-viral pills you can get prescribed, but they’ll have to do the bloodtest to make sure you have the virus.

  31. loren_smith +8

    Personal fiance thread! How is everyone doing on their goals?

    I’m back from two weeks of glorious vacation, and I found out I got a 5.4% raise (I leaned in a requested 7%, but our department only had a budget for 3%, so I guess we met in the middle). My current financial goals are rebuilding our vacation fund, although we didn’t drain it in Portugal as much as we anticipated, and trying to up my RRSP contributions a bit. Next week my office is introducing some sort of RRSP matching, but so far it has all been pretty hush hush, currently I do 16.5% of my month net, but I think I want to aim for 20%.

    1. EPWordsnatcher +3

      My office switched to biweekly paychecks at the start of the year and now that I have gotten away from a “this is my rent check, this is my everything else check” I’m actually doing better with my spending, I think? I don’t know how it works and I’m paranoid I’ve forgotten a major bill or two (I haven’t!) but it seems to be going in a good direction! Has anybody else dealt with this?

      Also, yay for raise! Good for you!

    2. Absotively +2

      I keep bouncing between goals, but they all make some progress when I’m focusing on them and don’t slip back when I’m not, so that’s ok. It did make this comment long, though.

      Currently I’m trying to build up my vacation fund, because I am planning a big trip (London!) and I’m worried I don’t have enough yet. I probably don’t actually need much more than I have saved already, but if there’s extra then I can always use it for another trip or something.

      After that, probably I should bump up what I’m putting in the home maintenance fund, because it looks like we might finally be back on track to actually getting new siding and windows. I live in a tiny strata coop, so this keeps getting delayed by things outside my control. I have enough saved for my portion of either the siding or the windows, but it would be really nice if we did both.

      And then there’s my emergency fund, which has about three month’s expenses, but it would be nice to build it up to six.

      I had automatic RRSP contributions for a bit, but I set them too high and felt really squeezed, so then I dropped them for, like, a year. As of January I’ve started a thing where I try to add a little bit to my monthly contribution each month. I figure either I’ll be ok with the same level as before if I can ease into it, or else when it starts to feel like too much I’ll know what level I can handle better. The only problem is I can’t automate that, so I’ve been doing good at setting the money aside but less good at actually remembering to transfer it. Anyways, the whole RRSP thing will improve next year when I finish paying off my student loan and put that money towards it.

      1. loren_smith +6

        It was great! Very sunny! Much wine! My only complaint would be that there were hardly any vegetables ever anywhere

    4. sednarea51 +3

      I just spent the last of my FSA on dental work, which means I have to come up with ~$1000 something on my own to pay for my appendectomy. Plus I still have the rest of the year’s medication orders, blood draws, & doctor’s visits to get through. >:( I’ll be fine, though- I can put stuff on my credit card, which I’m slowly but steadily paying off. And in a lot of ways it’s been weirdly reassuring to see how much of my money has to go to medical expenses- yes, I should have been more careful with my spending to not get into debt, but I also had a big draw on my money that I hadn’t recognized. Makes me feel a little less dumb/irresponsible.
      In positive news, I love Mint. Love it love it love it. Highly recommended.

  32. ejbaker13 +10

    I’m going to a three day music festival in Boston this weekend! And seeing all the bands that middle school EJ was obsessed with!

  33. ToTheIsLand +8

    I am fulfilling my twenty year-long Horse Girl (TM) tradition of going to a big, fancy, horse show during Memorial Day weekend (to watch, not participate). It’s always very exciting!

    (Even if you don’t like horses for some reason, the people watching/dog watching is always a joy in and of itself, because the event is full of VERY preppy/Old Money/Main Line people.)

    1. hugpunch +2

      I’m not even a horse person, but I love watching them compete. I go to The Event at Rebecca Farm in Montana every year – biggest equestrian triathlon in America, yo – and just love it.

  34. BunnyBear +3

    Boston Toasties!!! Is there a Boston toast group? Or more specifically, a Boston toast book club?

    I do not live in Boston but I’m very active in the NYC toast book club and meetup group and my amazingly wonderful sister is moving to Boston in a few weeks for grad school + possible new job and she is looking for a book club to join and meet people in. I know the NYC group has a facebook page + email address that we use to coordinate this stuff, is there something similar for the Boston group? If anyone has info about how to reach you all and when/where/how often you meet that I could pass along to her that would be marvelous!

    1. anachronistique +1

      We do! Or we did as a Hairpin book club – it’s kind of dormant right now, but I have hopes someone will revive it. The google group is here. There’s also a Boston ToastPin facebook group that’s pretty active, and I know someone just started a Boston Toast google group but I think that’s private.

      1. BunnyBear +1

        This is great advice! I’ll pass it along, she’s a toast reader but has been so busy with moving and job hunting and school stuff that she hasn’t been online much and probably wont see this. Thanks!

      2. bsideboston +1

        Totally just joined the Toastpin group now that I know there is one for Boston.

  35. Prawns +11

    Things are awesome. My headache of the past 3 weeks (moving, fleas, stress about fleas and constant boxes, etc) seems to be abating. I went to the gym for the first time in about a month which I credit with helping the headache to vamoose. I am going to get a massage again this weekend, I think, to try and help with my shoulders being different lengths.

    And, the housewarming is Monday, which will be the first party at the new party-friendly digs! Barbecuing and drinking in my own home FTW!

    1. Bryn (Plus Others) +1

      I am glad to hear the stress is abating! Especially the flea-related stress, that sounded very hard.

  36. alicia +10

    I went out for drinks last night with a friend who was my supervisor for several years. For the fourth or fifth time, he said he wants to start a business but won’t do it without me. It’s maybe the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me, and I do want to do something different, but I’m a natural pessimist. He’s also a man, and while he’s a good guy who can take criticism, I’m afraid that if we do start something together that he will want to be in charge. If I’m going to do something crazy like start a new business I sure as hell am not going to do it if it feels just like working for someone else, you know? I should probably just tell him that.

    1. deleted2997279 +7

      I wonder if you can make like…a relationship contract? You agree on a decision making structure, or you outline who is responsible for what or…something else that’s worrying you. Possibly with the help of a business coach or therapist?

      I would see if Ask A Manager has resources on this or if there’s a business-y type book about managing startup relationships – there has to be at this point, right??

      1. brigidkeely +4

        I bet you could outline your relationship in a business plan. Define things.

      2. lilsebastian01 +2

        That’s often called a Memorandum of Understanding, if you want something googleable.

  37. BunnyBear +8

    In good news this week, I have started applying for jobs so I can move into a position that is a much better fit for me, closer to my home (this one hour commute is killing me), and hopefully with better pay and advancement opportunities. I’m looking to move into recruiting (I’m currently an admin assistant) so I’ve been applying for recruiting coordinator positions left and right and it’s so thrilling. I secretly love applying for jobs so all this cover letter writing has been really invigorating for me lately.

  38. YoungLeafedJune +1

    People who liked Americanah: why? I got about a quarter through it and my main reactions were boredom and annoyance. You barely introduce this character and suddenly I’m supposed to be deeply invested in her aunt’s old man boyfriend? Ifem and Obinze’s relationship was a teenaged snooze. I felt like some of the commentary on America and race was deeply unsubtle (arguing for a nuanced understanding of race and culture while portraying most Americans, and all white Americans, as clueless, arrogant dumdums who love disgusting food…umm) and tended more to know-it-all screed than careful examination.

    1. firstmute +2

      I don’t have an answer for you because I basically felt the same way? I did read the whole thing, and she had one moment where the narrator said something–I’m going to mess this up but I gave my copy away so I can’t check–about how people complained that her blog seemed fake because the situations involved such, as you say, clueless, arrogant dumdums, but that in fact nothing was made up and people really were like that.

      I took that as a meta moment in which Adichie was implicitly addressing that critique of her book, but it didn’t really work for me.

      Learning about Nigerian food was pretty fun, though,

    2. NotBob

      Haven’t read that one, but I definitely enjoyed Half of a Yellow Sun more as slightly trashy fiction that happens to be from a different cultural perspective than as Important Literature With Things to Say zzzzzz

      1. YoungLeafedJune +2

        Maybe I’ll try that. I think it’s probably just that Americanah combines two of my most knee-jerk Don’t Like things, which is Important Literature With Things to Say and Contemporary Novels About Families. Basically, I feel like it’s what Jonathan Franzen would have written if he were a Nigerian woman.

        1. prost +2

          That’s a very apt description – and I really liked Americanah. I like fiction that combines a story or set of characters I’m interested in with a sweeping view of contemporary life – IF the author can create characters I actually believe in and has things to say about contemporary life that I think are insightful or interesting. (Franzen, for me, is completely inadequate at the first and undermines any success he might have at the latter by telegraphing his self-satisfaction at any insight he obtains.)

          I think part of why I enjoyed Americanah is that parts of it were set in places I knew really well, and I found her descriptions of those settings quite accurate (while also really enjoying seeing through her eyes), which carried me over well into the places I didn’t know anything about. If that makes any sense.

          I did think the blog excerpts were the weakest parts, but I tend to think that most attempts to reproduce internet discourse in novel form fall weirdly flat.

    3. jazzedloon +9

      I am not finished, but I really, really loved it so far. I relate totally to many of Ifem’s racial anxieties, both regarding herself and others, and never before have I read such a truthful account of those feelings.

    4. dakimel +1

      As long as she’s not in the hair salon, I liked it a ton. (Hair salon got tedious.)

      You do have to be invested in Ifem & Obinze to care about their lives when she’s off in America. And you care about the aunt’s bf not for himself but for the aunt’s later life. You’ll never care about him otherwise. Or about Blaine, either, speaking of boring guys. But there are plenty of people to care about plus some funny stuff about hair and romance and jerks and gals who the world think are the most specialist girls in the universe and maternal expectations and British immigration and class and so on.

  39. combledore +20

    My trainer continues to be the best. We had an entire conversation on Tuesday (in between hamstring leg press sets) about how BMI is bullshit. And I learned yesterday that I have amazing calves. Since I’ve always been not a huge fan of them – they’re big enough I’ve always had to special-order boots – hearing that they’re strong and useful for my sport was wonderful.

    And then I did 60 calf raises on a platform. My amazing calves hate me today.

    1. CleverManka +7

      GO YOU! Feel free to share pics of your AMAZING CALVES! What sport is your sport?

      That’s awesome that your trainer is the best. Mine is going to open his own gym in the next year and I’m afraid I’m going to lose him because he’s not going to retain all his current clients and I am quietly freaking the fuck out because he is PERFECT and SO GREAT and I can’t imagine hiring someone else after him.

      1. combledore +4

        Roller derby. It’s kind of important to have strong legs, I guess. ๐Ÿ˜‰

        1. CleverManka +1

          Awesome! I have several friend who do/have done derby, as well as two friends who are refs. Good times!

  40. evieskye +3

    Busy week and I’ve been vibrating with hyperactivity and anxiety everyday. Augh. Trying to get all the details down for the move (next week!) and for my student workers (I’ll be gone all but one day). Hopefully I haven’t missed anything huge. Keep getting hit with extra stuff–someone hit my parked my car, surprise class sessions, surprise paperwork (last year I had a month to do it; this year, 2 days). But I am doing stuff! Checking the boxes! Making lists! Still breathing! Everything will be settling down soon(ish).

    If you have any super apartment cleaning tips I will take them all. I’ve been obsessively reading articles from Jolie Kerr & on the Kitchn trying to psych myself up to clean.

    1. Bryn (Plus Others) +6

      I realise this may be totally beyond your budget, but the last two times I moved we hired cleaners to clean for us, because the flat rate for a cleaning ($150) meant that we got our entire deposit back (much more than $150) and I was pretty sure that even if I put in 10 or 12 hours of my time, I would not get the place clean enough to get the whole deposit.

    2. aqueousmedium +4

      Scrubbing bubbles in a can for the bathroom, true fact. You spray it down, you go raise a glass of wine to Jolie Kerr, you come back and take a few swipes at things! You’re done!

    3. Beakses +3

      Windex everything that’s supposed to be shiny (almost every kitchen surface, mirrors, faucets- even sink bowls and outsides of toilets). If the shiny stuff looks shiny, things magically look clean. And since you’re moving out anyways, it only matters that things look clean- not that they actually are clean.

      Also, if you need to clean your fridge, filling your tub with warm water and dish soap, disassembling the whole thing, and throwing the shelves and drawers in your tub is 1000% easier than trying to clean them while they are still in your fridge. Soak, wipe down, drain the tub, run the shower to rinse. Windex the glass shelves for extra shine.

      Unfuck Your Habitat has a moving cleaning checklist that might also be helpful.

  41. Ashdrastic +6

    Joy: I am driving up to Wisconsin tonight to see my college roommate and attend Bobfest, which is essentially a bunch of old hippies singing Bob Dylan covers all day. I am so stoked. Will also be stopping in Chicago on my way home to have coffee with an old fried. Finally, I have a crush on a boy that may have a crush on me. So much joy in my life right now!

  42. Ashdrastic +2

    On another note, any USMNT fans? Please discuss the 23 man roster with me, because I feel like it is a disaster!

    1. catoclock +2

      I mostly follow the ladies, but I was reading up this morning on the whole Landon Donovan/coach’s son being an asshole on twitter thing because whaaaaat even

    2. combledore +2

      Honestly, this World Cup is gonna be a disaster for the US no matter who’s on that roster. I respect Landon Donovan just fine, and I can see the arguments for letting him go out on his own time, but … *kanye shrug*. If they get three points, I think that’s a good performance for them this time around. That draw killed them.

  43. deleted2997279 +7

    The past three weeks have been super busy at work and required Extroverted Self to make lots of appearances, so then I spent this past week cranky and in a funk but yesterday I decided to fake happy until I was and it’s mostly worked. I am ready to enjoy my three day weekend in the sun, although not too much sun, because it’s supposed to be nearly 100 and I burn easily.

  45. AddieJoy +12

    Oh God Toasties, please help me with an untenable pet situation.

    When I moved to my (tiny, wonderful) apartment eight months ago, I got three pet mice. They were super adorable, and I hand-trained them within a few weeks. Everything was lovely until THE CANNIBALISM INCIDENT. While I was away for the weekend, poor Knuckles-mouse was reduced to a skeleton by one or both of her cagemates. I don’t know if foul play was involved or if they were just opportunistic.

    The two surviving mice suddenly untamed themselves. They would bite me (without breaking the skin) if I tried to handle them. So I got good at scooping them up with gloves on, sighed, and figured that they were cuter than fish and about the same amount of work.

    BUT THEN over the weekend, I found Watson-mouse beating up Bonnie-mouse. She had bleeding bite wounds and the whole thing was just awful. I purchased a little spare cage as a mouse jail for Watson-mouse. And as soon as they were separated, Bonnie-mouse became completely tame again. She hopped right into my hand and happily explored my desk/my arms/the never ending hand-staircase.

    Everything was wonderful again. And then four days later, Bonnie died. I don’t know why, but I suspect all the open wounds might have had something to do with it.

    So now I am left with a GODDAMN MURDER MOUSE. What do I do with her? I have firm opinions about not giving up on pets because they are not exactly what I was expecting, but… she is convicted of assault and suspected in two murders. She is still adorable, but it is forever tainted. My love for Bonnie-mouse and Knuckles-mouse reduces my appreciation for her Thunderdome level survival skills.

    What do I do?

    1. GoatseFanfic +19

      Yeah once they get The Hunger there’s not really a whole lot of alternatives. It’s just you and her now, so whatever you’re gonna do you better do it before she works a way out of that cage.

    2. thebellewitch +5

      I’m sorry, I’m laughing a little. Mice are monsters!

      Do you have a rodent or small-pet rescue in your area? These are usually slightly insane people and they may be able to advise you. FWIW, I am generally also against surrendering pets, but it’s possible that Watson might actually be happier if surrendered to some sort of rescue organization that could find her an appropriate cage-mate. Or perhaps they could help you figure out what is driving her to MURDER.

    4. nellybly +7

      Here is a long story of childhood mouse trauma: first, they sold us two mice that were supposed to be both female. Surprise, the pimply kid at Petco does not know how to distinguish between boy and girl mice. Not even a month later, one of the mice is clearly just ballooning and we thought she had some sort of tumor…pretty soon she was the size of a baseball and one day she had FIFTEEN baby mice wriggling in the cage. We gave some to friends, and kept a few, and separated the original parents. Some of the babies were tiny enough to burrow through the shavings and out of their cage, so a couple of them were just loose in our house for months and months….the ones we caught before our cat did were completely wild and we just released into the backyard. NEXT we discover that the original mother mouse is pregnant again because mice apparently have delayed gestation which basically means they can get pregnant again basically as soon as they give birth. So she has nine more babies, and then EATS THEM ALL. At this point I think the father mouse had died, so the only survivors were the mother and one baby (teenager?) from her original litter, which had started biting people. We took them both out to the woods behind our house and left them there, where I can only hope that some vicious bird of prey ate them. Moral: MICE ARE HORRIFYING THE END.

      2. bearyneat +3

        RODENTS there’s a reason we’re naturally creeped out by them even though they’re way small.

        Maybe she should just “accidentally” let the mouse out around some cats…. it’d be nature/cycle of life!

    5. SSVerity +4

      I had a mouse cannibalism incident too! Shockingly similar to your situation, except that we gave murder mouse the benefit of the doubt (I mean, maybe the cannibalized mouse died of natural causes and murder mouse was just really hungry?) and got a new companion mouse, who ended up dead and cannibalized within days. It was awful. I have no good advice, other than not getting a new companion mouse.

      We turned our murder mouse’s cage into an more exciting place (with climbing ropes and all sorts of things stuck to the lid (which was then weighed down with two bricks to prevent her escape)) and played with her that way, but I was never really comfortable enough with her again to handle her with bare hands.

    6. YoungLeafedJune +12

      Oh my GOD. This is the most riveting pet story I’ve ever read. Now every time murder mouse does that little cleaning thing with her front paws it’ll look like she’s rubbing them together in evil glee.

    7. jackalopeia +2

      Goddamn. I had four lady mice when I was a kid and the worst they did was make the non-blood-related one sleep on top of their cuddle house instead of in it with the rest of them.

  46. firstmute +5

    You guys, my husband is leaving in ONE WEEK for a ten-week summer internship in a city about 500 miles away. We have a house, a dog, a cat, and a four-year-old daughter. And I work full time.

    Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

    At least it’s a paid internship?

    1. Elsa is Emily +7

      JEEPERS.

      Whether you want commiseration/sympathy or encouragement, you got it.

      1. firstmute +1

        All of the above? The weekends are the worst. I keep telling myself that it’s only going to be ten Sundays, and it seems a little more manageable. Also it’s a great opportunity, but ARGH.

    2. Alli525 +2

      Ugh that BLOWS! But hopefully it leads to big, great things in the future?

      Do you have friends in the area that can help you share the burden (physical and/or emotional)?

      1. Elsa is Emily +4

        For reals! If my friend asked me to pitch in during this stretch, I would pack a bag for a weekend at the very least, or bring over a dinner, or pick up some laundry, or walk the dog, or something. If you have people nearby who can help out, and whom you’re comfortable with, it might be worth asking. Even if they can’t help with the practical aspects, they might be able to help with the emotionally taxing part.

      2. firstmute +1

        Oh man, it better lead to great things! Or at least better things. We do have friends, but they’re all friends with kids–great for socializing on the weekends, which is huge, but not so good for walking the dog.

        I’m definitely planning to spring for things like lawn care, though.

    3. Bryn (Plus Others) +1

      You have tons of sympathy and encouragement from over here! And yes, this is definitely the time to /ask people for help/.

  47. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

    It is a three day weekend here and the weather is beautiful and finally neither I nor my two small children are sick! My partner is out of town all weekend at a gaming convention, which leaves me mildly stressed because it means I am wrangling the small children mostly by myself, but my awesome housemate is around and we’re taking them to a community BBQ at the park tomorrow, I have a potential playdate on Sunday, and Monday I think I may just throw good parenting to the winds and let the older one zone out on her favourite movies (Totoro, Panda Go Panda) for a while.

    I am honestly not looking forward to it at all, but I am trying to remember to look for the joy in the weekend instead of having a temper tantrum about being stuck with the kids for 4 days while partner is off having fun. And later this year it will be my turn!

    1. firstmute +1

      Oh man, this sounds kind of awesome. Definitely time for some movie nights ๐Ÿ™‚

  48. Brunhildenburg +12

    It’s been a stressful couple of weeks, everyone seems to be pissy, so I’m gonna go eat fancy food and drink cocktails with one of my best friends, who just moved into the apartment below mine. So we have apartment bunk beds. Need to devise a pully system outside our windows to relay beer between living rooms.

    Have to go to an All-Employee meeting first, which, bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaah.

    Only 6 hours to happy hour.

    1. alicia +4

      I used to live in the same building as a friend, and it was so great. All the nice things about having a roommate (someone to talk to when you wanted to, not having to eat all your meals alone, etc.) with all the glorious solitude we wanted. Two thumbs up.

      1. aqueousmedium +2

        Not one but two friends just moved into my building, and it’s lovely – lots of opportunities to socialise but no impediment to glorious solitude.

  49. deleted2997279 +9

    OH ALSO
    I was traveling for work last week and came across a used bookstore that had a how-to Feminist Parenting guide from 1994 for FIFTY CENTS!! I did not get it because it did not seem worth the awkward conversations it might start (I was with my coworkers) but I am a bit wistful about it.

    1. Alli525 +1

      This one maybe? I buy 95% of my books used on Amazon and love it.
      http://www.amazon.com/Feminist-Parenting-Struggle…

  50. Kitty +4

    Well, I am pretty goddamn miserable and it’s all my fault. I was the idiot who ever so slowly fell in love with their married colleague and for many weeks persuaded themselves we were just good pals as we weren’t fucking, just sharing many hundreds of lovely emails and convos. He can’t leave his wife, neither of us can stand the thought of an actual affair, yes we have cut it off cold, and yes, my brain is exploding from the dopamine withbdrawal and I miss him so much. I know am a goddamn fucking idiot. It isn’t helping. Anyone else struggling with this?

    1. AddieJoy +22

      I have not been in that specific situation. But in this as in all things, I diagnose watching the version of Sense and Sensibility from the 90’s and imagining Elinor Dashwood lecturing Mr. Ferrars on how to wash his nob properly.

      Take comfort in the knowledge that while you can’t help falling in stupid love with people, you can control how you respond. You responded right. That doesn’t make the dopamine DTs hurt less, but think about using it as a shield against self loathing.

      1. Elsa is Emily +9

        That’s such a sensible and sensitive observation. Kitty, you’re doing the right thing and yeah it will hurt like hell for a little while, but maybe you can take comfort in the truth that cutting this off cold is both the fastest way to heal and the kindest thing for everyone.

    2. ach_so +11

      I have a VERY close relationship with my married coworker. It does not include romantic feelings (affectionate, yes; romantic, no), but it has included drunken sex, once. So I can commiserate pretty well. We spend so much time with our coworkers that it can be really hard not to develop feelings. I think you should cut yourself some slack but also 100% stop with lovely emails & convos. For months, my coworker and I only exchanged completely professional emails when the job called for it. Nothing else. Block him on gchat if you ever gchat. Lose his number.

      Just think: you did the right thing & in a few months, it’ll hurt less.

    3. MaladyDee +2

      If a situation I’m in escalates, I will end up where you are now. It’s shitty deals all around and I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. It seems like it’s a very easy trap to fall into when you aren’t getting that attention from anywhere else and it is definitely intoxicating. You’re not stupid at all, it’s probably the most normal and common major fuck up people ever make. I hope things get better for you soon. ๐Ÿ™

  51. chickpeas +4

    I think I’m going to quit my job. Well, I am actively looking for a new job but also I might just walk out of this job. Probably not today but like, soonish. This is a bad idea and I should try not to just walk out, right?

    1. RoseCamelia +13

      Right. A bad idea, unless you have a trust fund. Even then, you want to protect your reputation. The high road has value *for you*.

      1. chickpeas +4

        I’ll just keep chanting “high road high road high road” every time I feel the urge.

    2. MaladyDee +3

      weeeeeeeeell if it’s a fast food or other shitty bottom-of-the-barrel job AND you don’t ever expect to need a reference from them, walk away and picture an explosion going off behind you as you leave the building. In my late teens/early twenties I walked out of 3 jobs, and it didn’t hurt me at all.
      Other than that situation though, definitely just give notice and spend your last 2 weeks fucking the dog. It’s what everyone expects you to do. (please tell me “fuck the dog” as a euphemism for wasting time isn’t just a local Winnipeg expression, otherwise that advice looks SUPER WEIRD)

  52. Dany +2

    Toasties, please help me navigate this situation!

    I really want to ask out this guy from my climbing gym and I think he’s into me. Last time I bumped into him there I didn’t get a chance before he left, and now that the weather is nicer I’m worried he’ll move onto outdoor climbing and I won’t bump into him anymore. I googled his name and found his profile on a meetup site. Would it be totally creepy of me to message him there and ask him out? I mean, he listed himself as interested in climbing there too, so it wouldn’t be that odd for me to find him there as a regular user of the site um, without aforementioned googling.

    Please advise!

    1. AddieJoy +9

      Do it! Say hi, that you saw his profile and he looked familiar–and hey presto, he’s actually someone you know! Tell him that you’re glad you found him because you were worried he might start climbing outdoors and you wouldn’t have a chance to ask him out. Don’t be weird, and it won’t feel weird.

      1. Dany +2

        VALIDATED. Thanks! I will do, and report back! Sexy climbing dudes are THE BEST.

    2. ach_so +1

      I know it seems a little creepy but I would totally do that. In fact, I have done that.

      1. Dany +1

        How did it turn out for you? And when you say it seems creepy, do you mean it seems creepy from my perspective, or he will find it a bit creepy? Or people in general should think it’s creepy? HELP.

  53. citizenchristy +13

    I’m off work in 31 minutes till Tuesday! WOOOOOOO WEEKEND! Don’t worry, I already listened to the remix of “Ignition.”

    Also, I’m going to see a live My Brother, My Brother and Me tomorrow, and then Hedwig & the Angry Inch at night. It’s going to be a ludicrous day.

  54. Janie_S +4

    I would have a sublet and I would be able to move forward with my relocation plans if people would JUST RESPOND TO ME but they aren’t and it’s killing meeeeeeeee.

    1. rhymeswitheight +3

      I’m dealing with the same thing. EVERYONE ANSWER YOUR EMAILS PLEASE.

  55. quin +3

    Does anyone have any advice on looking for a new job, while still working full time at another? I really like my boss that I work for now, but the company is a startup and she has so much on her plate that she doesn’t have the time for the mentoring that she and I would both like. Which is fine, I’m very independent, but if someone offers me something I would like them to follow through! And she doesn’t offer medical insurance (and legally can’t give us a tax-free stipend) or 401K or a real place to do work. Anyways, this feels very sneaky to be looking for a job, while acting happy with my current job, any advice? Do I just need to get over this?

    1. RoseCamelia +9

      Every executive I know, except the ones who relied on nepotism, grew their careers by constant job hunting. They count on doing the current job while looking for the next one. All the time. Any manager worth their salt knows their best employees are being recruited by the competition.

    2. msjinxie +2

      Job hunt. There’s no shame in it, it’s how people grow their careers these days – it’s best for you as a person who needs to work to live AND as a potential candidate to be looking/interviewing while you’re currently employed. It puts you in a position of strength during any negotiations with future employers. Long gone are the days of career-loyalty to one company and most responsible bosses know this – there’s (usually) nothing personal about job hunting.

    3. deleted2997279 +4

      I job searched while actively hating my job, but still had to do my work 9-5, you know? I committed myself to sending out at least one resume or make at least one contact a week, because that was something I knew I could do after work or pull off as a doctor’s appointment without feeling overwhelmed or like I was going behind my employer’s back on their time.

      I usually ended up sending out way more than one a week because once I got the one done, what was two more? But for weeks that were rough, it felt good to know I had done something to find a new job and took a lot of pressure off me.

      1. OshKoshMalosh +2

        Seconding your strategy. Filling out online applications/resume posting is tedious in the extreme, but if you set a reasonable goal for yourself, it doesn’t feel quite so bad.

    4. parlato1973 +4

      yes, it’s best to get over it. your life is not about getting this other person’s startup off the ground, nor is it about going broke because you felt it was time to switch jobs without overlap. if your boss doesn’t have time to mentor you, she’s already not meeting you halfway. take this as a credit on your own not-100%-thereness and look elsewhere while getting paid.

      get all your materials ready and do it 3 times a day: before work, at lunch & after work. people get flooded with resumes and they have to scan, at best, to weed out good candidates. sharpen yours up and get it in to all the new ads early, before people have grown weary or started reading the funny ones to their co-workers.

      also, networking can be a great warm intro vs. cold applying. if you have friends in the industry or belong to a professional network, put out feelers among trusted peers. one of them could be sitting on a great opportunity.

  56. deleted2845473 +7

    I just spent a full four hours of my workday pacing around while IT rescued my computer. Now my office phone is disconnected. I might just sneak out and go home, because clearly this place is cursed.

  57. robot_dinosaur +15

    I am SICK with allergies plus something and lying in bed but tomorrow I fly to BOSTON and I will see Toasties and there are potential job things and I will drink whiskey and kiss men and act gloriously as I please

      1. Samk12345 +6

        My first one! So exciting! Going to practice my jokes in front of a mirror now brb

  59. turanga_leela +2

    Last day of school for my children today. Summer is officially started here! I no longer have to get up at the crack of dawn to drive children to school! The down side is I work from home so I now have two weeks of them under my feet before we ship off to the in-laws for the summer.

  60. MsThundercleese +4

    Ok, I am a frequent reader but infrequent poster here, but I have a conundrum that I’d love some Toast perspective on…

    So, long story short, due to growing up very evangelical in the rural south, I am just now realizing that I am very likely bisexual. I am a cis lady in my late twenties and married to a cis dude who I love very much and have no intention of leaving. The good news is he is totally ok with me exploring this attraction. The problem I have is twofold. 1) How do we navigate this open relationship thing without ruining our relationship? We’ve actually sort of tested the waters already (neither of us is the jealous type), and things went well, but I don’t want to get cocky. Any books I should read? Forums? Websites? 2) How do I attempt to date ladies as a married person without being an asshole? I don’t want a third for our relationship or threesomes or anything like that. My ideal situation would be a friends-with-benefits or casual girlfriend type thing. Like…if I made an online dating profile, how do I indicate that I am in a relationship already without scaring people away?? I want to be honest and not hurt anyone, but I also want ladies to actually give me a chance.

    Thank you, Toasties!

    1. paperbgprincess +5

      I have no advice for you, since I have no experience with any of those things, but I offer you many Toast hugs and support! Welcome to posting! <3

    2. Rianne +5

      Books! I can tell you about books!
      Opening Up by Tristan Taormino is pretty great.
      Everyone will tell you to read The Ethical Slut, and please do, but with the grain of salt that non-monogamy works even when you’re not in a lesbian hippy commune.
      Not Your Mother’s Playground is actually written by a very good friend of mine and it’s pretty delightful. She also has a blog! at notyourmothersplayground.com although oddly it’s down right now…

      Honesty and communication are good things. As is the internet. Okcupid has ‘looking, in a relationship’ options. And I have successfully picked up other queer ladies through that site while openly dating a guy.
      Some people will be scared away, but you probably shouldn’t be dating people who are scared away by you being in a relationship anyways.

    3. Bryn (Plus Others) +2

      I do not know if you are identifying yourself as polyamorous, but there is a lot of stuff out there on the internets about ways to negotiate and navigate polyamory, how primary partners can help each other feel more comfortable, less jealous, etc etc etc. Sadly we did all of this in the days of the alt.polyamory newsgroup so I do not have any specific sites to recommend, but I am sure there are good ones out there. And if you are in a large urban area there are probably poly meetups or other groups around.

      As for the dating profile, I think saying more or less what you said here sounds great: married, husband is fine with this, you are looking for fun casual 1:1 time with a woman. I mean, I would go for that. ๐Ÿ™‚

    4. Rianne +1

      oh, and also congrats and good luck on embarking on this new and exciting thing. May you have all the lady love adventures you could want.

    5. kappklot

      Congrats and good luck! Another thing I would say that I really like and has helped me a lot when thinking about polyamory/opening up relationships (and my relationships in general) is an essay called For Lovers and Fighters by Dean Spade.

    6. Prawns +2

      Opening Up was great for me and my husband. I agree that Ethical Slut was less helpful for us. I also had bad experiences with people thinking that reading Ethical Slut meant that they could just not do the work.

      Communication is key in my relationship with my husband. If I’m feeling weird about anything, or if he is, we try to talk about it as early as is useful. I say “as early as is useful” because sometimes we don’t know why we’re feeling weird, and we need to figure out why before talking about it, or it’s a bad time to talk about it or whatever.

      As for meeting people, I have had a lot of success with meeting open relationshipped-people on OK Cupid. It is going to be hard no matter what, because open relationship dating is still dating and you don’t always luck out on the first try. I put that I am in a relationship with my husband and that will not change and answer the questions as honestly as I can and I get matched with cromulent ladies. If you are clear and casual, you’ll get your point across. The only other thing I could recommend about online dating is to not say you don’t know what you’re looking for. Saying you want casual dating, or a friends with benefits, or a girlfriend is generally better than saying “I don’t know” or “let’s see where it goes”.

      You can definitely meet awesome women to date or have sex with or whatever you want.

      If you ever want to talk about stuff, I love to talk about this. You can email me ek.isner on gmail.

    7. MsThundercleese +5

      I am overwhelmed by all of your kind replies, thank you everyone! I’ve heard good things about Opening Up and it looks like reading that may be a good first step. Also, special thank you to the people who said “Congratulations”…I have been looking at this whole situation as a problem, and not as something to be happy about, so thank you for helping me think about it in a different way. It IS an exciting thing, especially since my husband is so supportive!

  61. elsajeni +19

    A tiny update, since I posted about this last week: the party member from my D&D game who may or may not have died? Not dead! Totally fine! (What, no, I didn’t cry a tiny bit when this was revealed, you must be thinking of someone else.)

    2. MsThundercleese +4

      Oh man I am so happy for you! This post is creepily timely because my D&D character also may be dead right now?? I really think our DM is messing with us, but if he’s not I may also cry. It’s such a weird thing to try to explain to people who don’t play…you get super attached to your characters!

    3. MaladyDee +2

      woohoo! I’m glad to hear it, I was thinking about you and your party member this week. It’s surprising to people who don’t play just how attached you get to the characters you play.

  62. samburgers +15

    OUT OF THE OFFICE FOR TEN WHOLE DAYS I AM DIZZY WITH EXCITEMENT

    I have a lot of day drinking to do GOODBYE

  63. hearyoume +10

    No one else in my office is at work today, so I met my friend for crepes and Bloody Marys at lunch. Currently 3 Bloodys in, and I have to pretend to work until 4:30, when I can leave the office. Hello, holiday weekend.

  64. ach_so +2

    Looking for a little bit of commiseration: I’ve found that part of living in NYC is that nearly everyone goes out of town on holiday weekends, and I am often left all alone in the city. This is almost the case this weekend– everyone except 1 friend is going out of town. I HATE it. I went through this last summer & wish it wasn’t the case again. I know I can do meetups/stuff like that, but I’d really like to embrace the long weekend with good friends, not strangers. Waah. Thank you for letting me complain.

    1. Samk12345 +3

      story of my life! All my good friends are married/in long term relationships so every holiday they are visiting families/taking long weekend trips.

    2. girlofsandwich +3

      I actually AM going away this weekend, but I know the feeling all too well, and I will definitely be like the only person here for 4th of July because I am dogsitting. Console yourself with the fact that the weather is not supposed to be great! Summer weekends can be really tough, especially if you are making a lot less money than your other friends so can’t go on the trips you ARE invited to, and/or you are single and everyone automatically plans weekends away with their significant others (I don’t know what your reasons are, but those are mine!)

      1. ach_so +2

        Yep, money. Sigh. On the other hand, I will definitely be planning at least one 4th of July activity via the Coterie Facebook group, hope you come!

    3. bpym28 +2

      One thing I have discovered is that long holidays weekends in New York can be the perfect opportunity to take a casual or nascent friendship to a new level. People are always grateful to hear someone else is stuck in town and maybe more willing to devote precious weekend time to experiment with being closer friends?

  65. parlato1973 +1

    Los Angeles toast people! i remember something about a meetup a couple weeks ago. did it happen? should we put another something on the calendar? i’m happy to help get this together if others are into it.

  66. thecaitd +10

    Does anyone have advice about making friends as an adult besides “go to meetups” and “have hobbies”? I think what I’m really asking is, does anyone have any advice about dealing with loneliness while you’re still going to meetups and having hobbies and just waiting for them to..I don’t know, take effect?

    As ach_so says upthread, holiday weekends in New York are incredibly lonely (and I’ve been feeling bluh about my relationship with my boyfriend, my only steady social interaction) so this has been weighing on me even more than usual.

    1. deleted2997279 +5

      No advice, just commiseration :/ I think the thing that’s key is to take action on your own – instead of waiting for the meetups and hobbies to “take effect,” be the instigator of seeing people outside those prescribed times/places. Which is easy for me to say and nearly impossible for me to do.

      1. Bryn (Plus Others) +8

        This is definitely not the same thing as friends, but … be interested in other people. Try to be really interested, even if the other person is, well, very boring on the surface. For me a lot of the everyday loneliness of life is mitigated by the little contacts I get where I am standing in line for something and there is a few minutes of just chit-chat but I get to see a little bit of who this other human being is and feel connected. BUT to do that first I had to get over the ‘she has perfect hair and nails, she is a stepford wife and i hate her on sight’ or ‘he is twenty years younger than me I am sure he is rolling his eyes at me’ or all the other things which are me assuming other people suck and are hating & judging… which is a great defense so that I don’t have to actually connect to them.

      2. thecaitd +1

        You’re right. And I have tried this so many times. The usual response I get is polite deflection. UGH, so frustrating.

    2. msjinxie +1

      No advice, but I have commiseration, since I went through the same thing when I first moved to California. I’ll be honest, those first few years out here alone were…bleak. When I look back on them now they all kind of blur together. Then I moved into the city proper and got roommates and now I’m never lonely because I am never ever ever alone (so, careful what you wish for, Jinx of the Past). In all seriousness, though, I get you, it is hard, but for me it did get better. Took a while to find my feet and build relationships but it did happen (and is still happening!).

  67. spring chickens +2

    Banking/money question:

    Does anyone have advice for how to talk to financial planners, as a woman who is often sized up in condescending ways?

    My bank has a free financial planner service of totally salaried people who make 0 commissions, which is great so I would like to take advantage of it. Yet whenever I do, I feel like the financial planners are extremely condescending. Every time I call in with a question or set up an appointment, I am always asked if I want somebody to manage my money *for* me — to the point that I had to ask them to write in my file that I did not want this and they should never ask again, because it was so repetitive. They also seem to assume that I have no understanding of finance/do not manage my money on my own, and will say condescending shit to me that implies I’m not taking care of my money. Even though I am, and I do, and it’s pretty evident from my account, which is doing nicely. It’s bizarre. The bank is USAA, based in San Antonio, TX, so I only communicate over email or phone with them, and I suspect that there may be a southern regional cultural thing at play regarding my gender. Or maybe it’s age? I have no idea. But I really need to find a way to reframe the situation so that I can get good advice like any other customer, instead of avoiding the service or else speaking with them but getting very frustrated. Does anyone have tips, maybe someone who’s worked as a financial planner themselves?

    For the record, I’m not a finance whiz but I’m not an idiot, and I do understand basic investing (my parents made me learn starting at 18 — school of hard knocks). I’m a professional in my work life, so I am presenting myself as a professional when I talk to them, too. I understand how things work and my portfolio performs well by the standard measures and all that — so I can’t figure out what triggers the financial planners to talk to me in this way. :/

    1. loren_smith +7

      That is just horrible. Burn them in a fire, probably.

      Seriously though, could you ask the next person who does that to you why they’re doing it? In a very polite and straight-forward way – like the next time they condescendingly say something to you that you have a clear understanding of, correct them and force the conversation back on track? It sounds like you don’t really needs these clowns – are these the people you really want advice from?

    2. Beakses +7

      I wonder if part of the problem is the email/ phone communication- it’s much more likely that they’re working off a script, which is probably oversimplified to the point of condescension 95% of the time. Which is to say- it’s entirely possible they’re doing this to everyone.

      I’ve only used a financial planner once- she was a fee-only (and no % fees) financial planner, and was a great fit for my spouse and me- she had a background in the tech industry that made her a lot more effective at talking to my software engineer spouse, and she was never condescending. But not free, unfortunately (however, if anyone needs an awesome financial planner in the Seattle area, Stacy @ 2020 Financial Planning is great)

      1. spring chickens +2

        Thank you both for the great replies! It is infuriating, I definitely have moments of wishing I could burn them with fire.

        It’s true, they may be following a script and may talk like that to everyone. And it is helpful to think of it as not being personal. But it is a bad script, so I may also try @loren_smith’s idea of asking them why they are doing that in a polite and straightforward way if it happens again. I just made an hour appointment with someone for next week, so we shall see!

        1. Beakses +1

          I tell myself “they’re just using a script” all the time when talking to tech support people. Me: “I’ve power cycled it twice and did this, this, and this, and I think this is the problem.” Them: “Have you tried turning it off and back on again? Turn it off and back on again in this sequence.” Me (fuming): “Yes, I said I power cycled the system…” Let’s set all the scripts on fire!

          Hopefully their script is not an hour long and you can get them to answer your actual questions…I would also ask them if they have a fiduciary duty to you (vs. just being held to the suitability measure). That should catch their attention, I would hope. And if the answer is no, I’d definitely take their advice with a grain of salt (or a teaspoonfull).

        3. loren_smith +2

          Also, thinking about this more – I recently saw a big expose (here in Canada) about how unregulated the financial planning industry is, and how a lot of the planners are just people who answered Craigslist job ads and have very minimal training. I was talking this over with my partner, who worked as a pension fund manager, and he told me that he also gets treated condescendingly if he ever speaks to a planner, but he gets the fun of telling them that they’re wrong.

  68. sednarea51 +3

    In the last week I have had unpleasant intestinal problems, somehow injured my elbow, and went to the dentist to have pointy things done to my mouth. I feel like my body has suddenly decided to break down en masse. ::grumpiest of faces::
    On the plus side, my dental implant’s almost done (and hopefully all paid for) and I was able to take a sick day off of work without feeling like I was a worthless garbage person for needing one, so that’s a win. And I don’t have to be back at work until WEDNESDAY. ::flings confetti::
    Question! What are your favorite comfort foods? I’m thinking I might make myself a big pot of mashed potatoes later.

    1. aqueousmedium +4

      Jim Lahey’s no-knead pizza crust piled high with kale, roasted garlic, and goat cheese and sprinkled with kosher salt. I can eat the whole thing by myself and frequently do.

    2. Bryn (Plus Others) +4

      Lasagne! Not *good* lasagne, terrible grocery store lasagne like I am eating right now.

  69. rkfire +23

    No one is doing work in my immediate office, we’re just all sending each other amazing gifs. I give this to all of you fantastic misandrists:

    1. spring chickens +4

      wow, that is great! knee to the groin, then knee to the head, ladies!

    2. msjinxie +8

      That is terrifying and amazing! Also super trippy, the way it’s looped, because MotoThief rolls up while she’s still beating the crap out of…MotoThief.

  70. beekayisfromtx +5

    It’s basically summer here in TX and despite being glow in the dark white I have this intense want to be outside and in shorts and a tank top all weekend. But. I have this enormous dark, green brown purple-y bruise on my thigh that I got 3 weeks ago from walking into the corner of a table and it basically growls at you when you look at it. I’ve tried some arnica and whatnot because I’ve heard that helps make bruises go away faster but there”s been no progress whatsoever. This bruise will not go away. Am I dying?

    1. Es_Petal +5

      Being horsey I am often covered in bruises and I never bother with not wearing shorts when my legs are speckled green. That said, 3 weeks and no change is not terribly normal for bruising – do you have trouble with circulation or blood at all? I’d be inclined to go to the doctor if it’s not changed at all since you did it. Bruising can last a long time if it’s somewhere with poor circulation or gravity stops the old bruise-blood from dissipating, but I’d be starting to think ‘hmmm’ after that long/

      1. beekayisfromtx +1

        I am thinking hmmmmm because no I have no blood or circulation problems that I know of and my legs get plenty of activity between running and boxing workouts. Ugh, I just hate to go to the doctor for something (seemingly) so minor. Thanks.

        1. brigidkeely +4

          If it’s progressed to green/brown then it’s healing. It sounds like you might have just hit your leg REALLY hard. I’m VERY pale and prone to bruising because I’m SUPER clumsy/visually impaired (door? what door?) and some deep bruises stick around for a long time because they’re so deep/serious. In the future, you might find that putting ice on it right away helps with the swelling/pain/darkness of the bruise. If you’re really concerned, though, see a doctor.

          1. Es_Petal +3

            Yeah, I’ve had bruises that have lasted weeks, but there’s been some change and progression – I wouldn’t expect it to be looking the same after one week and three, for instance.

    2. RoseCamelia +3

      I bruise often. Clumsy. My bruises hang around longer when my diet is poor. When I’m eating right (veggies, variety, whole foods, fiber) I heal faster.

    3. spring chickens +3

      i think arnica is more for pain and healing, not necessarily visual bruise reduction. there is definitely no harm in going to the doctor if you’re concerned — better safe than sorry. but what you’re describing sounds like Life As A Pale Person to me (speaking as a fellow pale person). as long as the bruise continues to change colors (blue -> green ->yellow ->brown -> normal) and it’s not super-tender then you are probably fine!

    4. Beakses +2

      Rubbing/ massage (light if it’s painful to the touch) helps me the most on the bruise front- it seems to help encourage drainage. You can use arnica if you want, but it’s the rubbing that seems to do the trick. If I’m bruising more frequently or more easily, I try to step it up on the iron front, which helps a bunch.

      Usually if I get that much color on a bruise, I also get some swelling- and if I swell up, usually it takes a bit for the swelling to go down and then the bruise starts to clear. Also if you get a deeper than usual bruise (sharp corners are good for that) it can take a while for the surface to clear. If you’re getting drainage- that is, color that’s moving downward from the bruise, things are probably clearing up and you just slammed into that corner really hard. I am usually bruised somewhere (judo is good? for that), so I don’t usually pay too much attention to how long they last. I agree if you’re getting color changes, you’re probably healing. If it’s staying the same color then there’s no harm in having someone check it out.

  72. combledore +1

    I should just take off the day before holiday weekends – our department is always the ONLY ONES who have to stay till the end of the day, and it just makes me salty as all get out.

  73. daisicles +1

    Help, I need books to read! You all are my last hope!

    I’m trying to find some new fantasy books to read, but I can’t seem to find anything that really works for me. I’m looking for a contemporary fantasy (almost like ‘just around the corner’ fantasy, if that makes sense?) with minimal romance. I really love Seanan McGuire’s Toby Daye books and I’d like to find something else similar to that, but I keep on just finding romance novels with some fantasy tropes on top whenever I go poke around. Or it’ll sound promising and it’ll turn out to be a zombie book and I just can’t handle zombies. Such is the peril of digging through the most popular selections from my library’s e-book collection, I suppose.

    So… help? Please? Or just share fun books you’ve read recently that have absolutely nothing to do with the fantasy genre?

    1. brigidkeely +1

      Soooo…. obvious question is obvious…. have you read “Sparrow Hill Road” yet? OMG SO GOOD. There’s romance in it but not a huge amount.

      I’m scanning my bookshelves and a lot of the stuff I’d recommend to a fan of McGuire’s is not contemporary, but set in the past or more “typical” fantasy lands. LMK if you’re interested anyway.

      1. daisicles +1

        No, I haven’t read it. I’d heard some buzz about it, but I’d mentally classed it in with her other fiction as ‘I’m sure it’s good but I just can’t handle stories about those particular supernatural things’. But a bit of googling informs me that I’m wrong, so book shopping time for me!

        And I really am open to all kinds of suggestions, so suggest away! I’m just not really keen on the swords-and-sorcery high fantasy stuff that Goodreads keeps suggesting to me, is all.

        1. brigidkeely +4

          Katherine Addison’s “Goblin Emperor” is about an exiled half-Elf/half-Goblin youngest son of the Elvish Emperor who is killed in a tragic accident along with all his other kids so suddenly this nobody of a person is expected to be Emperor despite not knowing much of anything about the political climate or what the Emperor’s job actually ENTAILS. There’s a lot of court intrigue and politics, huge wads of character development and world building, and like… air ships and mechanical bridges and no magic. It’s a stand-alone novel.

          Elizabeth Bear’s “Eternal Sky” trilogy is fantasy (with magic and gods and stuff) set in a world inspired by the Mongolian Empire and surrounding countries/cultures. Again, huge amounts of world building including that the sky/celestial bodies are different depending on whose country you’re in, whose mythology is dominant. There’s politics in this and… possibly some animated-dead-soldiers, I don’t remember. Her Promethean Age series (4 books) has Shakespeare & Marlowe & literal Fairies and Mages living in the present day.

          Ellen Kushner’s “Riverside” trilogy is a manners novel with sword fighting and witty repartee and almost everyone’s bisexual and doin’ it and there’s intrigue. “But I don’t want romance!” There’s not that much romance, more sword fighting than romance.

          Scott Lynch’s “Gentleman Bastard” series, starting with “The Lies of Locke Lamora,” is a fantasy caper with mystery elements, drama, lots of action and adventure.

          You might like Theodora Goss’ “In The Forest of Forgetting” which is a book of short stories, like a box of mixed chocolates, each a tiny perfect treasure.

          Cherie Priest’s “Cheshire Red” are modern day books that are very sharply and well written and feature a PI… who’s a vampire. You said no zombies, IDK if vampires are out of bounds as well. “Fathom” is a book I really enjoyed but read it so long ago I don’t remember if there’s any zombie-like activity. There’s a mystery, and sea creatures. Her Eden Moore series is fantastic but there’s ghosts and undead in there so you might not like it.

          Kristin Cashore’s “Graceling” is YA so a fast read. There’s mind control but not zombies. There’s some mild romance BUT the main character is adamantly opposed to getting married or having kids & everyone is expected to Just Deal With It so that might be worth the romance elements for you. It’s set in a fantasy-ish world.

          Rachel Hartman’s “Seraphina” is set in a past-type world (sort of medievalish?) where dragons who can take human form and actual humans co-exist a bit roughly. There’s some conflict. The main character comes to realize she is half dragon and there are others like her. Really well written.

          Jo Walton’s “Among Others” is set in the UK in… the 1970s? 1980s? I forget exactly… and features a girl sent to a boarding school coming to grips with the magic in her world & in her family. She’s also a big SF nerd who joins a SF book club.

          Marie Rotkoski’s “The Shadow Society” is about a high school girl who meets a cute dude & it turns out he’s a police officer from a parallel world where she may or may not have been involved in terrorism & espionage. There’s romance in it, but the main focus of the book (or at least what I remember best) is the parallel world and the action.

          I… have a lot of books about zombies/undead on my shelves. But it’s a genre I like. ๐Ÿ™‚ Let me know if any of these sound interesting!

          1. daisicles +1

            Ah, a whole list to look into! Thanks!

            And I *loved* Among Others. It was different from what I usually read, like almost post-magic? Or something? I’ve been trying to articulate it properly so I can find more books like it, but it’s rough going. (Graham Joyce’s ‘Some Kind of Fairy Tale’ has been the closest I’ve found, but not quite.) She has a new book that sounds super interesting, but alas, it isn’t out in paperback yet, so I’ll have to wait.

          2. brigidkeely +2

            I purposely left off Lev Grossman’s stuff even though it’s modern day fantasy because there’s a lot of gross misogyny that just… gets grosser as the books go on. “Among Others” floored me, like someone peeked into my soul and splayed part of it across the page.

          3. daisicles +2

            Oh god, Lev Grossman. I hate-read all of The Magicians and then considering throwing the book out the window because I couldn’t actually throw the characters out. It was a library book, so it was spared, but I’m still mad at it.

          4. brigidkeely +1

            “Codex” is one of the most amazing (for all the wrong reasons) books I’ve ever read and it became VERY obvious that Grossman has some really big THEMES he can’t get away from. Directionless men who are super successful yet sad! Vapid whore women who are really bad for not wanting exactly what the man wants! Tits! Bitches be cray! Just… ugh. The whole “mystery” element of the book was so bad I literally laughed out loud during the Big Reveal. Like what. WHAT. Seriously. W H A T. The reviews of the book are great, like people who are actual medieval scholars pointing out the many many factual errors, like his claim that vellum can’t burn.

          5. Bryn (Plus Others) +1

            I loved Among Others too, although I like some of her other books even more. (Although I HATE the alternate history mystery ones, ugh.)

            She has a neat book of essays out recently called, um, “What Makes This Book So Great,” that is all about the things she is rereading and why they are awesome and so she is rereading them. I think it is a fun read in itself plus it has lots of suggestions for things to read, some of which are very famous in genre and some of which are obscure non-genre stuff.

            Also you could go through and read everything she mentions in Among Others. Not that I have done this!

            I know what you mean about post-magic… I don’t have good words for it either. I am kind of amazed at how she managed to write an autobiographical memoir novel with ‘magic’ in it and leave so many things open.

    2. turanga_leela +1

      Have you read any Charles de Lint? I love his work. His Newford books are great.

      1. daisicles +2

        I have really mixed feelings about Charles de Lint — some of his books, I really like. Some of them, I can’t stand for reasons that remain a mystery to me. It bothers me because all his books are basically right up my alley in terms of subject matter, but I never know if I’m going to enjoy the one I pick up or not. Damn mysterious tastes! ๐Ÿ˜‰

        1. brigidkeely +2

          I feel the same. His books/stories should be super appealing to me but a lot of them just… I don’t know. Feel weird.

    3. CleverManka +5

      Alif the Unseen is nothing short of AMAZING. Beautiful language, fantastic settings, and not a white man in sight.

    4. Absotively +1

      Have you tried Seanan McGuire’s InCryptid books? They’re also contemporary fantasy, though of a different branch. There’s a romance subplot in the first one, but it’s not the main plot.

      I’m a big fan of Tanya Huff’s work. The Enchantment Emporium books are urban fantasy with a family of magic-doers that has few men, for magic-y reasons, so it’s arguably quite Toast-ish. The Keeper books are kind of similar, but with a different variety of secret universe-saving magic users. Also the characters include talking cats and Hell. The Blood books and the Smoke books are also urban fantasy, but of the vampires-and-demons variety rather than the spells-and-faerie variety. All the above tend to have romance subplots, but no romance main plots.

      Mercedes Lackey wrote many elves-hiding-among-humans novels in the nineties. I loved them when I was a teenager, but I’m less in love with them now, so I don’t know whether to recommend them or not.

      Generally, “urban fantasy” is the current term for this sort of thing, while the romance novels with fantasy tropes are “paranormal romance”.

      1. Absotively +1

        Addendum: I didn’t read your comment carefully enough, so I missed the bit about the zombies. One of Tanya Huff’s Blood books has zombies, though decidedly not in the standard apocalyptic infectious plague configuration. More like Frankenstein’s monster. I don’t recall any zombies in the rest of what I listed.

        Also, more recommendations: Patricia Briggs (a coyote shapeshifter & VW mechanic dealing with werewolves & the fae), Carrie Vaugn (a werewolf named Kitty who is a radio DJ), Kim Harrison (the present day in a world where the existence of vampires & witches & elves became public knowledge when the biological weapon that was that world’s Manhattan Project escaped and decimated the human population).

      2. brigidkeely +3

        NB that “Urban Fantasy” is generally written by men while “Paranormal Romance” is generally written by women because if a woman writes it obvos it’s chock full of smooches & stuff. IN THEORY there’s a genre difference between the two. In actuality a lot of the distinction comes down to who wrote the dang book and not what’s IN the book. So even if you’re anti-romance, don’t automatically discount something labelled “paranormal romance.” There’s a lot of urban fantasy getting that label even though it doesn’t really apply.

        1. Absotively +1

          I read a lot of urban fantasy by women that is labelled as such, so it certainly exists. And I’ve occasionally run into books that were labelled urban fantasy but that I would have categorized as paranormal romance. I think they were by women, though I’m not one hundred percent sure. So I’m not going to look specifically in the paranormal romance section, because I have enough worries about whether a book will actually be urban fantasy when I stick to the fantasy section.

          But it doesn’t surprise me that the problem you describe exists, and I’d certainly be willing to try a book labelled paranormal romance if I had heard that it was actually more urban fantasy-ish. And I definitely agree that the line between the two subgenres gets blurred or ignored way too often.

          (Sidenote: At one point my local Chapters seemed to be putting anything with werewolves or vampires in the horror section, which was really odd, because many urban fantasy series ended up there. I don’t know if they’ve changed that or not. Subgenres in general are squishy things that seem to often confuse the people assigning them.)

          (Other sidenote: Romances are fine, romance readers are fine, I do not have anything against romance books or readers, it’s just that romances are not what I personally want to read most of the time.)

          1. brigidkeely +1

            yeah, OP specifically said not a fan of romance so I thought I’d throw that out there… if you’re not looking for romance, then big duh, you’re gonna skip something labelled romance.

            It’s A Thing that I’ve heard authors & librarians both talk about. Personally, I have no qualms with smushing those two genres together, or even insisting that “urban fantasy” actually BE “urban fantasy” as in: not just a book set in a city in modern times with fantastic elements, possibly dark’n’gritty, but books in which an urban setting is VITAL and the actual city plays a role/is a developed character. I actually really enjoy the subgenre once labelled Urban Fantasy and it’s harder to find now because that label is applied to something similar but different.

          2. Absotively +1

            I suppose I wouldn’t mind if they were smushed together, if it were reasonably clear which ones were romance-centred. It’s when the back cover incorrectly gives the impression that the romance is not the central plot that I get annoyed.

            I do like the stuff that’s called urban fantasy now. I’d understand if they went back to the old definition, but I’d be happier about it if they also came up with a replacement label for the new definition.

          3. Bryn (Plus Others) +1

            Yes, I too am very sad that urban fantasy quit meaning War for the Oaks and started meaning anything modern with supernatural critters. ๐Ÿ™

      3. daisicles +1

        The genre labels are a bit tricky, I find. I feel like the paranormal romance label is a recent development and it hasn’t taken off as much, so there’s still an awful lot of overlap between it and urban fantasy. Why urban fantasy should have come to signify the romance novels as much as it does, I don’t really know, but it makes it damned hard to find books that aren’t the romance ones. (Not that I have anything against romance novels, mind, but they’re just not what I’m after.)

        But thank you for the suggestions!

        1. Absotively +1

          Yeah, there’s definitely a bunch of romances that get labelled urban fantasy, so it’s not as straightforward as it might be.

  74. betsaroo +2

    I’m grumpy because my fella gets today through Monday off, and I am stuck working the whole time. And I’m tired and brain-dead because it’s been a hell of a busy, draining semester, capped off by some mild but discomfiting sexual harassment, so I’m not concentrating very well, and I just want a BREAK. But I can’t take a break until I get this paper written, which has to happen by the end of the month. Boo.

    And of course, now that the students are all gone so one actually has time to get research done, the libraries are on summer hours and closed on weekends. WHY?

    Anyone else stuck working on the holiday weekend?

    1. toastbartender +4

      the bartender is always working. especially this weekend. grump shared.

  75. RoseCamelia +4

    Texas Toast meets one week from tomorrow! Saturday, 7 June, 3:30 p.m. at Tavern, in Austin. I am looking forward to meeting Toasties in person!

    1. turanga_leela +1

      Two weeks from tomorrow. And I am looking forward to it! Hopefully my Ronbledore t-shirt will have arrived.

      See y’all there.

    2. elsajeni +1

      I am too, but in fact that’s TWO weeks from tomorrow! Just so no one shows up a week early and thinks we have all staged some kind of elaborate hoax.

    3. beekayisfromtx +2

      Ahhh! Had no idea there was going to be a Texas Toast meetup! I may have to do the road trip for this!

      1. turanga_leela +1

        Please do come. There are only four of us so far and this is our first meet-up.

    5. dakimel +1

      Darn it I have houseguests! I mean, normally I’d bail on them, but it’s the friend I’ve had the longest in life + spouse.

      (Normally I wouldn’t bail on my houseguests. Normally I wouldn’t have houseguests; no one ever wants to visit Houston.)

      (Anyone who wants to visit Houston is welcome to stay!)

  77. baby_crow +19

    anybody want to share in my job search triumph? if so: I got a new job!!! at a top notch place! I start in August and I will be getting a 30% raise and it’s potentially a 3 year position, meaning I don’t have to do this again for a while! I’ve been searching for 2 months now and was beginning to think I was never going to get hired, at least not at a place I liked (I suppose it always feels like that). but it happened! they called me and they said they will pay me money to do stuff that I want to do and phhheewwwww.

  78. MaladyDee +6

    Online dating is a desolate wasteland. I only reactivated my account an hour ago and I”m already discouraged.

  79. Ricepaperdress

    Your post made me really happy. It has so many things I love smushed in one paragraph: Rayanne, bears, aholes and hikes.