A couple months ago I agreed to be interviewed for a story on my experience as an asexual woman. The read-back I was promised never happened, and the story was published without my approval. It not only contained misleading statements, but had been written—sans consent—in first person. And one of the more egregious inaccuracies stuffed in my mouth was this:
“In many ways I’m just like your average young woman. I love putting on heels and a dress to go on a night out with friends.”
First off, this is a laughable misrepresentation of my lifestyle; my “nights with friends” generally involve art supplies or homemade pizza, with no special dress code required. But on top of that, the author apparently felt compelled to feminize the asexual chick with traditional trappings of Lady Flavor. She wanted to reassure the magazine’s audience that I’m Still A Girl. Because you know what they say about girls who don’t like guys. Our femininity immediately goes up for debate.
I’m an aromantic asexual woman, meaning I’m not sexually or romantically attracted to anyone. Gender-wise, I’m pretty girly. I don’t do many traditional WomanThings™, but I’ve never felt masculine or androgynous. And until or unless I mention my asexuality or aromanticism, I’m unquestioningly read as a woman. It’s interesting how quickly that falls apart when I discuss my sexual and romantic orientation. The folks whose minds are blown by some apparent contradiction tend to fall into one of two camps:
1. “You’re asexual/aromantic, so you can’t be a ‘real’ woman.”
2. “You’re obviously a ‘real’ woman, so you can’t be asexual/aromantic.”
Either way the invalidation falls, it suggests others are the gatekeepers of femininity, and that these arbiters understand my identity better than I do.
“Congratulations on being an unremarkable woman.”
I received the above comment from a man as part of a screed on why asexuality is a myth. The crux of this fellow’s “argument” (if it can be called that) was that ALL women are asexual. They only want romance, you see; they put up with sex to get it. Conversely, men only want sex, and they tolerate romance to get that. There is, in fact, no reason for a woman to label herself asexual. It’s part of the definition of womanhood: the ladies don’t want or need sex, but they necessarily need romance, and it doesn’t really matter as long as they put out.
In this dream world made up of his unfortunate projections, I suppose gay men have sex but never romance, and lesbians have romance but never sex (unless it’s in porn, for men’s entertainment), and sex toys and porn made with women in mind are figments of our imagination. And bisexual people, pansexual people, nonbinary people, asexual men, and probably transgender people are mythical creatures in Sex Is For Men Land.
Happily, the sexual revolution helped kill this poisonous narrative; people became free to celebrate sex—even women who were previously thought to have no sex drive—and everyone lived happily ever after. Huzzah!
Well, except that now some assume everyone who doesn’t celebrate sex or include it liberally in their lives is suffering from internalized oppression, sickness, or an abusive past, necessitating a constant stream of concern directed at those who don’t partake. This concern, of course, is 100% totally for our benefit; after all, why should they heed our explicit requests to stop “helping” us when they’re motivated entirely by kindness? They just want us to have what they have! They just want us to know the real meaning of life and how real love works! There’s no way we’re harmed by spending our formative years surrounded by people huddling solicitously about us, repeatedly expressing that our failure to go against our nature troubles them ever so much. Right?
Asexual people are just one group that’s hurt by the Sex = Yay mantra (along with racial, religious, and sexual minorities that are either fetishized or desexualized.) For asexual women, it means they’re erased; their orientation is framed as a side effect of living in a society that hates the female sex drive. Go on, girl! You like sex! You can admit it now! Great, eh? We’ve replaced a world in which a woman couldn’t be sexual with a world in which she must be.
Men who are asexual get to deal with the other side of this coin; with certain mainstream narratives in hypermasculine society pressuring men to define themselves through sexual success, the world can be a very cruel place for a guy who just doesn’t find people attractive. Not only can they be emasculated by these messages, but they are often assumed gay if they’re not seen chasing women—a nice symptom of asexual erasure—and if they actually are romantically but not sexually attracted to same-gender partners, they’re often told they’re suffering from internalized homophobia that won’t let them release their true sexual selves. And let’s not forget those asexual people between or outside the gender binary, who are regularly processed as being “confused about sex” due to their gender.
That said, asexual women make up a majority of the asexual population—in a 2011 survey of nearly 3,500 members of Internet-based asexuality communities, 64% identified as female—and regardless of whether that is because there simply are more asexual women or because non-women aren’t coming out/participating in communities/realizing they’re asexual as often, it does mean asexual women usually represent the public faces of the awareness movement. With the notable exception of David Jay (the founder of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network), women are more frequently featured in news pieces about asexuality, and they receive some pretty heinous treatment when put under the microscope.
While male asexual people are commonly assumed gay/closeted or processed as if they’re not even men, female asexual people get the usual main course of invalidation with an additional side helping of misogyny. If we’re not available for sex, then, hell, what are we for? Comments directed at asexual men often speculate about what might be wrong with them, but comments directed at asexual women consistently contain fury and violence and disappointment at the idea of a woman who isn’t performing her perceived duty on the planet: satisfying a guy.
“What a waste.”
As a lady-type, I’m used to having my self-worth reduced to my ability to interest a man. Women from most walks of life have encountered equations like this:
Unwanted sexual attention + “I have a husband/boyfriend” = Dude gives up.
VERSUS
Unwanted sexual attention + “I’m not interested/not attracted to men/not attracted to you” = Dude judges this unreasonable and keeps trying.
In other words, when a woman isn’t “taken” (by a guy), it doesn’t really matter what she says; she’s fair game. Dude will respect some absent dude’s claim on a woman, but he won’t respect her word. That woman is Not Being Used. That woman is Up For Grabs. Those are the rules. But what’s this? A single woman who doesn’t want to be partnered? That’s impossible.
People of all genders deal with unwanted attention, but women are especially likely to be regarded as resources rather than people. It is unfair, according to many a manbaby I have spoken to, that I’m selfishly hogging my goodies. Such a shame that only I get to be in my body.
“But you’re hot! I’d do you!”
As a woman who is never “taken,” I am frequently subjected to “buts.”
“But you’re single!”
“But you’re passably attractive!”
“But you get lots of offers!”
Indeed, how could I be asexual given all that? It just doesn’t compute . . . because women’s sexuality is widely regarded as being about other people. If all the conditions are satisfied—I’m not “taken” and people would “take” me—then there’s simply no excuse for me to avoid dating and having sex.
“But I don’t want to,” I say.
Isn’t that the most relevant question, after all? Whether I want to?
Nope. I don’t get to say no if I’m not saving it for the one I’ll say yes to. My but doesn’t count.
“Sexual attraction is not something that is said verbally. It’s a vibe—something you communicate to me unconsciously. Sex is an instinct, not a choice.”
The above horrifying quote was uttered by a fellow I met when I was nineteen years old. There I was in college, uninterested in the sexual experimentation and freedom the away-at-university experience often brings, fairly inexperienced in my “career” as an outspoken asexual woman. Back in high school, I’d never developed any sexual or romantic attraction to anyone, but despite that I did date a couple of people. Peer pressure and consistent “you don’t know until you try it!” messages made me think I needed to investigate before I was sure I didn’t care for it, but what I was really looking for was a magic switch to shut everyone up. I wanted to fill the quota; I wanted to experiment “enough” to make everyone else agree that I’d given it a fair try and could legitimately be believed now.
That never happened. It turns out that for asexual people, there is no threshold we can cross that’s “enough”; if we are not converted by sex, then surely we did it wrong, or with the wrong gender, or with the wrong person, or ruined the experience by expecting to hate it. We find ourselves trying to prove a negative—a scientific impossibility—and ultimately either cave to expectations or live in defiance of them, secure in the hard-won knowledge that we are qualified to describe our experience and we deserve our boundaries respected.
So, sometime in high school I began calling myself “nonsexual,” though I did fully expect to develop more typical attraction experiences later in my life. By age nineteen, I was still uninterested, and one night I found myself explaining to a young man I’d just met that I didn’t feel such things. He seemed to be listening. He took in the longish version of my story: Yes, I’d dated; no, I didn’t feel lonely without a partner; no, I didn’t feel sexual urges; no, this was not a decision (just a description!); yes, I found it insulting to be pursued, cajoled, harassed, and shamed into accepting sexual advances.
He paid attention. He nodded. He seemed to get it. Then we played some video games. And after the night was over, he asked to kiss me.
Reminding him of our conversation, I told him that wouldn’t be appropriate because I didn’t feel that way about him. After insisting that “the night is not complete without a good-night kiss” (what?), I told him his night would have to be incomplete. Finally he said he would settle for a kiss on the cheek, and I rolled my eyes and said “fine.”
Then he leaned over and began licking my face like a dog.
I screamed and ran away. He called after me, “I’M JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU!”
He then badgered me electronically for a good couple of months, trying to get me to date him, insisting that he could sense my hidden sexual attraction for him, sending me compliments, and occasionally insulting me or telling me I should come watch porn at his house. Why I didn’t block him earlier I have no idea. I guess there are a great many things I still hadn’t learned. But when he began to talk like a rapist—offering the quote above, among others like “I took psychology in high school and I believe you are in denial, so stop playing childish games”—I decided he was dangerous and elected to stop communicating with him. I never talked to him again, and to this day I consider the disrespectful pressure, online badgering, and Lickgate incident to be sexual harassment and minor sexual assault. And many years later, I talked to a reporter about it as part of a larger piece on asexuality.
Immediately the harassment began. One troll said I was hysterically trying to frame a simple kiss as rape. When called out, he further explained that I was a drama queen who’d made up the assault entirely to get attention. Oh yes. That old chestnut. Attention.
I can assure you that the kind of attention asexual people get for being asexual is rarely enviable. Over the years as I’ve waved figurative flags on the front lines of the asexuality awareness movement, I have received a handful of death threats and several dozen rape threats. Far more if you count the folks who simply call for me to be raped despite not being willing to “offer” their own services. For the record, it is many of their opinion that rape would fix me. Or at least if it didn’t, it would shut me up and punish me enough that I’d be scared into leaving the spotlight, freeing them to continue behaving as if asexual women don’t exist.
I’ve always found it a bit surprising that many of the worst harassers also pair their harassment with “shut up, nobody is hurting you.” I guess it looks that way to them, if both the asexual population and its members’ struggles are invisible to them until we start talking.
“Have fun dying alone in a houseful of cats.”
Society has very little besides shame and wrath for ladies like me who make themselves unavailable to men. Because popular conceptions of What Constitutes Feminine are determined by what makes us appealing to dudes, we’re punished if we live like our attractiveness to them is irrelevant. When I was younger I was consistently perceived as “saving myself” (for a man), but once I passed thirty, I was a spinster, a prude, an old maid, a cat lady.
Hey, wait, I don’t even have cats!
The terms applied to unpartnered men are generally benign or flattering: bachelor, stud, stag, player, maybe career-minded. But an “independent woman” is a caricature—widely mocked and used as a punchline, and if she’s career-minded, she’s also mannish, domineering, and unnatural. The same applies if she’s attracted to women: she’s assigned masculine qualities and her womanhood goes on trial.
But it’s not just independence or pursuing lady mates that results in one’s femininity being called into question. It’s not being partnered with a man.
Asexual and aromantic women are perceived as missing a key piece of female identity, and we’re expected to apologize for it. That’s why people suggest I’m less of a woman if I’m not with a man, and take great care to abuse me or treat me like a piece of false advertising instead of a person. That’s why that journalist stuck me in heels and a dress. And that’s why many asexual and/or aromantic women are shamed into hiding their identity—because they’ve internalized those messages and they’re terrified of losing their femininity.
We need more than a sexual revolution. Until women’s sexual agency includes acceptance of those who abstain, we’ll continue to see it celebrated only if it manifests along normative lines to serve dudekind.
Tags: asexuality, identity, julie decker, no sex, sex
oh my GOD I am so excited to read this I can barely sit still. *breathes into a paper bag*
signed, an asexual woman
ME TOO
also this “We’ve replaced a world in which a woman couldn’t be sexual with a world in which she must be.” is 100% spot on.
signed, yet another asexual woman
Sorry I will keep reading, but I just wanted to say I read “aromantic asexual woman” as “aromatic” and I thought “aww, what a lovely way to describe oneself!”
“I smell GREAT.”
My autocorrect loves to correct “aromantic” to “aromatic”. 😐
Ha! I read it as aromatic too! 🙂
Oh, my goodness, this is so incredible. Thanks so much for sharing your story and for expressing the bullshit around gender and sexuality with such precise, perfect language.
“It is unfair, according to many a manbaby I have spoken to, that I’m selfishly hogging my goodies. Such a shame that only I get to be in my body.”
AAAH.
You’re welcome, and your compliment on my writing makes me melt. 🙂 Seriously, though, I think this is the first article I’ve ever published with an active comments field that wasn’t a cesspool. Unbelievably refreshing. Thank YOU.
As I grew older I started to see and realise that all the sexual revolution had done was make it a must-do to have sex. It hadn’t done anything for women’s choice, just changed it so that now we had to choose to have sex rather than not have sex.
And I am not asexual. I am very sexual. But my choice to be sexual with many people is still framed as a Thing I Do For Men, not a thing I do because I like sex and can make an informed choice to have it. But at least I am a ‘more acceptable’ option than you – I’m the slut, but at least the slut is sexually accessible, they think.
The gendered expectations of womens sexuality are fascinating. We’re supposed to be accessible, if you play the right codes. It’s like we’re dating sims, where you put the right information in and your get tits. But, we aren’t supposed to be TOO accessible, or whats the point? And we aren’t supposed to be completely inaccessible either.
Our bodies are supposed to be available, but only to the people who jump the right hurdles and do the right things.
YES to all of this. We’ve gone so far with this “sex positive” bullshit that we’re all expected to be porn-obsessed, bdsm-practicing horndogs or else we’re Repressed and Broken. You’re not GGG if you aren’t willing to push yourself past your sexual limits! Don’t you want to be ~*sex positive?!*~ …but remember that you are a woman and some level of decorum is expected.
Sexual revolution my ass.
sexual convolution.
That’s how I feel about the “strong is the new skinny” meme and everything that led up to the entire concept of “women having it all” – in many ways, these ideas don’t liberate us at all. They are just fresh new ways of telling us that our current selves are inadequate.
Perfectly said, logicbutton. And I totally agree.
Agree, agree, agree! Well said!
I only hesitate to co-sign because I do think that the sexual revolution and sex positivity are still really important and relevant concepts. I think “sex-positive” is a little like “feminist” in that the words mean different things to different people, and there have been people or groups who have used the word in ways that adversely affected another group, so I would never blame someone for refusing the term “sex positive” any more than I blame someone who prefers “womanist” or “anti-kyrarchist” or similar to “feminist.” But there’s still so much work to do in re: understanding women as sexual agents rather than objects, and understanding “agent” as someone who can say no as well as yes. I don’t see it as a line where we’ve crossed the moderate midpoint, but as some kind of quadrant situation where we’ve moved dramatically along one axis but not far enough along the other.
Yeah, it feels to me like there’s a constant pressure to be “positive” about things that the closest adjacent dude likes, and still practically the same amount of shock and horror about prioritizing your own sexual pleasure ahead of anyone else’s feelings, ever. It’s like that documentary about the MPAA ratings board, showing that in spite of all the soft-porn and nudity and whatnot in your typical R movie, they will freak the fuck out if there’s a scene that’s only about a woman having orgasms. Because *that’s not sexy,* that’s just perverse!
And that’s basically the same problem this author is talking about, I think. Foreground what a woman wants sexually for herself — and that includes none-for-me-thank-you — and people just still don’t know what the hell to make of it. Something is obviously broken! She hasn’t asked permission from *anyone else at all* to want this!
Yes. Maybe the term should have been “sex-neutral”. The idea of my sex-positivity is that sex is a part of life like any other, run by the same ethical rules, wherein people of all kinds should have freedom to do what’s right for them insofar as it doesn’t harm others. But a lot of people have seized on the term to perpetuate old patriarchal dynamics.
yeah. The social, medical, physical and legal consequences of (being publicly known to) fuck pre-sexual-revolution do not compare to the consequences of (being publicly known to ) not fuck now. This is crucial history and it is too important to vague up the facts in this way.
for that matter, the practice of offering insults and sexual threats to women who don’t put out because they’re no fun and no use did not start in recent times, either. You can blame the sexual revolution for not seeing that as a primary problem to solve — and I do — but it did not create that problem.
Actually, I’ll go a little farther on this. All these problems of being expected to have sex existed in much worse form pre-sexual revolution. The difference is that the insults and threats and pressures were, at least ostensibly, restricted to those classes of women whose job it was to comply with men’s needs and who could not count on the protection of law if they wished to withhold consent: so prostitutes got them from anybody, wives got them from their husbands, and reputed sluts got them from anyone who knew their reputation. Things are not worse in the realm of socially-sanctioned pressure on women to have sex, unless you mean by “women” only the restricted class of unmarried good women, a class to which you could not, then or now, belong to just by wanting to or by behaving well.
If it seems like it’s worse, it’s only because we are, post sexual revolution, all bad girls now, effectively. We’re all fair targets instead of just the underclass of the loose, the married, those with disreputable associations and affiliations, the poor, those who aren’t white enough or not at all, and those who are judged to need social punishment for unrelated reasons.
You are right about all of this. It’s not a recent phenomenon at all–women always were expected to exist primarily for the satisfaction of others, and that’s not worse for them now that their “programming” for “how to satisfy” has shifted somewhat. If what women are supposed to be sexually is still dependent on what men want, freeing ourselves from this isn’t about cultural shifts dictating that men want something else now. It’s about divorcing ourselves from the idea that what we want sexually shouldn’t be dependent on what those in power want us to want. It’s definitely not “worse” now, though my objection to some manifestations of sex positivity hinges on some celebrants’ obliviousness surrounding people who actually don’t desire sex. They enforce sex positivity as a move toward all people celebrating and engaging in sex, and they focus primarily on those who do feel oppressed by sexual restrictions. My cursory examination of this issue in this article didn’t mean to imply that the new “sex-positive norm” is more oppressive than the old “sex-restricted” or “sex-negative norm,” and I hope this comment clarifies!
Oh, I liked the article. I think a bunch of the comments went further than you did in disregarding the necessity and utility of the sexual revolution, a time I am incredibly grateful to not have had to live through.
(I detest sex-positivity in all its forms, though. aesthetically, at least. I feel about it as Churchill did about democracy, that it is the worst possible political option except for all the others. secrecy and repression are two of my favorite things, so if it were possible to be sex-negative without also being misogynist, I dare say I would be. I get cranky when defending the evolution of modern sexual culture because I feel very strongly that it is an improvement over everything else, but I don’t actually care for it.)
Very good way of putting it–and yeah, agree totally that the dynamic hasn’t changed in a black-and-white way from “women couldn’t be sexual” to “women must be sexual”; when women are still considered to have sex performatively and for the benefit of others, it doesn’t matter whether the tone underneath that sex has shifted.
I am not asexual either, but I went through a period of time where I was taking medication that killed my sexual desire. During that I came to the exact same conclusion about the sexual revolution.
This is a wonderful piece that taught me so, so much about asexuality. Thank you for writing it.
I am disappointed that you don’t have cats, because actually that part sounded awesome and I would totally rent a room in your house of cats. Dogs? I would also be ok with house o’dogs. I am a good tenant, quiet, early to bed, and I make really good soup. Just throwing that out there.
I don’t have any animals, sorry. I’m allergic to cats and don’t really like owning animals. But . . . house full of books? Yes?
Thank you for sharing this. Funny how none of these stories are about receiving unwanted attention from women.
You could almost laugh till you cry about that.
(In order to remain productive I’ve been trying to pretend Hobby Lobby didn’t really happen, but it hasn’t worked very well, and now I worry that I’ve reached my misogyny tolerance level for the whole year and what the hell am I going to do until January? Move to New Lesbos? …why isn’t there a New Lesbos?)
enclosed please find my application for citizenship in the Republic of New Lesbos
First thing I do when I win the lottery is break ground on New Lesbos.
Isn’t that what we’re going to name The Toast Commune?
This is a really wonderful piece, thank you for writing it.
I am so sorry that you have received death and rape threats just for speaking out about your identity. I will never, ever understand what the bigots are so afraid of that they threaten these kinds of things. Losing their current cultural power, maybe? Discovering a truth about themselves? Seeing people be happier/more secure than they have ever been? Whatever the reason, the outpouring of violence aimed at you is scary and awful and I’m sorry.
I’m not asexual but as someone who tends towards singleness in both practice and in whatever socialist-feminist ideals I’m working on (and as someone who has this open in another tab http://thenewinquiry.com/essays/the-loves-of-othe… ) I want to say dang, you said everything I always wish I could articulate, thanks
Ooh, this is an excellent way of describing me as well. Nice one.
Oh yeah, I like this. I’m not really asexual per se – I certainly find myself very attracted to some people – but I have spent most of my life not really wanting a relationship and thoroughly enjoying living by myself and being single. People really don’t understand when I talk about how I haven’t dated in like five years and haven’t much missed it.
You’re a warrior. Thanks for writing this.
Something that became very clear to me after reading that upsetting “fell in love with an asexual man” piece some of us were discussing on Friday’s OT: sexual women should be rushing to be allies of asexual people. We should be flooding the asexual ally zone. The forms of oppression, microaggression, and dehumanization that asexual people most frequently face share a common root with rape culture and sexual violence apologism.
If I knew how to take your piece and use it to glove-slap the xoJane piece, I would.
I’ve never commented here before, but I wanted to thank you. As an asexual woman, I was overjoyed to find this article on Toast, and even more happy when I read supportive comments like this. So often asexuality fights to be included in LGBT+ social justice events, and so often we’re told our experiences don’t matter because we’re, to quote Dan Savage, “marching for the right to not do anything. That’s hilarious. Like, you don’t need to march for that right.” It just feels so good to finally find people who actively want to ally with us and truly understand what it actually is that we’re upset about and fighting for. Thank you for being an ally. I’m going to cry my eyes out now.
I second this. Asexual here, been reading the Toast for a while, and SO happy to see a piece from SwankIvy on here. The comments and discussion below the line are some of the most supportive I’ve ever seen on a published piece about asexuality. @Sara: you rock so much. *high-five*
And Dan Savage can drive a truck off a cliff. I understand he’s a vocal gay rights supporter, but his active refusal to acknowledge our community as valid hardly endears me to him. Have you seen the (A)sexual documentary? I watched that with a bunch of aces, and the hisses and tension in the room whenever he was onscreen were both hilarious and really depressing.
Yes, I feel the same way. For the first time, an article I wrote or was included in didn’t involve a comments section full of vileness and hate. There doesn’t seem to be a single comment that blathers about my duty to “find myself” (which, of course, means I have an obligation to come to a different conclusion than the one I did) or my supposed biological ailments or the secret sleeping trauma that must lurk under my orientation to “explain” it. Putting aside that *abuse and sickness and identity confusion do not invalidate asexuality either*, it’s horrifying how many people insist on searching for a way to frame asexuality as pretense or agenda so they can continue to ignore it. And yeah, that Dan Savage quote is gross. I don’t know if he still feels that way, but I actually pulled that quote out of the documentary to illustrate this phenomenon in my book.
Delurking due to rage.
How, how, how is Dan Savage an expert on anything? I… just do not. I look forward to the cliff-driving and will be in attendance with popcorn.
Here is an advice column he wrote to a woman who was upset that her boyfriend watched porn. His advice? That she should suck it up because all men watch porn or they are liars (all men, because Dan Savage knows this for a fact, being telepathic and omnipotent and shit). All men watch porn because women are like cars, they want to look at those shiny Porsches, not little Hondas like you.
He said this.
All men watch strange women being sexually demeaned on camera because women are objects like cars. Get used to being an object like a car. And obviously your man wants to look at better, shinier, more expensive cars than YOU. What? Don’t be upset, silly woman, you’re still my reliable little Honda, whatsamatterwithyou whyarewomensoirrational.
Dan Savage is a full-out misogynist dressed in a small, ragged piece of sex-positive tinsel. His comments on asexual women astonish me not one little bit. Please can we not take him seriously?
Thank you for the compliment! And the allyship! I saw the xoJane piece and I’m mentioned in it at the bottom (with a recommendation of my Letters to an Asexual video series). I thank you so much for how you expressed the reason behind why non-asexual people should be our allies. The tide is finally turning, I think, but we have a ways to go.
Your purpose as a woman is to give a man lots of babies (and sex whenever he likes) and be happy about that. Duh. I mean, what else is there that women do? Man things?
All joking aside, I absolutely agree with you. I’m a little lost in space as far as my sexuality is concerned, to be honest, but I consider myself asexual (until proven otherwise? I have no idea, really, but I have yet to see someone who is attractive enough for me to think anything past, oooh, pretty, nice hair). To which my mother, and other people I know, say, “oh, you’ll meet the right one”, and, in my mother’s case, “I don’t care if you’re gay or straight, but you’re not asexual. I didn’t raise an asexual… thing”. She’s the best Mom I could wish for, really, and I love her to bits, but we do have our disagreements (also featuring: bisexuality means you’re just not sure what you’re really into). As if life couldn’t be good without sex or romance.
Does all of that even make sense? I hope it does. Sorry if it doesn’t?
It does, and that pretty much sums up how I feel about my sexuality. I’ve been trying to work out “what I am” but I can’t, and it’s nice to know there are others in the same boat 🙂
As if life couldn’t be good without sex or romance.
+100000000
I’m sorry, LICKED YOUR FACE? What the actual fuck?
*ahem* Anyway. This: “Isn’t that the most relevant question, after all? Whether I want to?” Thank you for this. Such a simple question but so applicable to so many different things women get questioned on (pregnancy/abortion, sexuality/asexuality, childlessness, the list goes on). You did such a good job in this piece getting to the root of so many problems: what women want DOESN’T MATTER, unless it fits in precisely with the mold set out by the patriarchy.
This is really great and what the fuck licking someone to ‘convert’ them
Unless it’s something you’ve established that you’re into, a person licking another person as a come-on gets a giant NOPENOPENOPENOPE from me, no matter what your sexuality.
This is just…devastating. Thank you for writing it. I’m going to go flip every table I can find.
That is basically the prefect response to everything this week. +100000000000.
Loved this piece, beautifully articulated.
Hey, great article Ivy… Julie… whichever name you prefer XD
I can’t believe they didn’t get your OK on that article. That is so unprofessional! This article blows that one to smithereens. I hope you at least got paid for it.
I haven’t been active in the ace community for some years. It’s so good to see it blooming recently, though, especially with your book coming out. It even showed up on a primetime panel show here in Australia a few weeks ago. Even though one of the panellists was a total jerk about it…
For some reason, nobody seems to talk about sex matters with me. I probably exude a vibe of prudishness or something. Or the fact I don’t care about makeup or my weight might be the reason. Whatever the case, I almost feel like sex doesn’t even happen around me, and the few times I am reminded that my friends or family actually do have sex, it surprises me because it is just so little a part of my world. I don’t think about it unless it is brought to my attention by someone else. So when I read your rape threats and all kinds of horrible people you deal with, it gives me chills because I realise that sex drive is a thing that makes some people… well, creepy.
“We find ourselves trying to prove a negative—a scientific impossibility”
Yes! I identify as asexual and aromatic, but I haven’t told anyone (IRL) this. I’m worried they will demand proof, or dismiss me as some frigid woman stereotype. Thank you for writing this article.
If you do choose to come out as ace, I wish you the best of luck and an inhuman amount of patience to deal with any ignorant bigotry you may encounter. If you don’t, I wish you the best of luck in your quiet plight of strength. Whatever you decide, you’re great and a badass and this fellow asexual supports the hell out of you 🙂
I’m ace, but still figuring out the romantic aspect of my identity. I’ve only told the other queer people in my life, and so far they’ve been supportive. I have good friends of all sorts of orientations who don’t give a shit about my love life, but also a fair few who do and who never fail to ask me about it whenever we’re together. My family would also be a problem. So I feel like I’m half out and half not, and that’s really difficult.
The “proof” aspect of it drives me crazy – my word should be enough. But it’s not. So I don’t come out. When I eventually do, as I’m sure I will, I fully expect some people to react well then demand why I didn’t tell them earlier. Like, the shit you give me is bad enough when you think I’m a sexual woman; what’s it going to be like when you know for sure that I’m not?
So I’m a big supporter of “come out when you feel ready and safe to do so”, for everybody with a sexuality that doesn’t fit the norm. Like Kris said, whatever you decide, you’re awesome and amazing!
I managed to sneak reading this in at work and now I’m trying not to cry at my desk. Everything about this is so uncomfortably true. So frustrating, belittling, condescending, and scary, all at once! I am very tight-lipped about my asexuality, mostly because people Don’t Get It and don’t TRY to get it. Some fun responses I got from friends included “are you sure?” (after agonizing for a long time about telling them, no I just decided to agonize for a joke), “you just haven’t met the right person,” “have you had good sex though,” “you’re just not ready yet,” and “you’re missing out.” That said, I do have some friends who have been reasonable humans about it, but there are only three of them. God. I could go on, and I probably will, but I’ll leave this as my first response. Thank you so much for writing this, it really means a lot to me to see this on the Toast (and so see such a response from the commentariat).
Okay I really do need to go cry in the bathroom now.
I’m so touched to see so many people having an emotional response to what I wrote. Thanks for sharing. I actually cover a lot of those invalidating responses in my video “Asexual Bingo” (you can find it on YouTube!) and I have a whole section of the upcoming book that addresses misconceptions. I really hope the book helps kill these offensive and damaging beliefs about us.
Gosh! Why wouldn’t you want to disregard your identity for any of those guys! What great catches!
Thank you so much for sharing. This was so wonderfully written, and the exchange you cited as an example of how “I have a boyfriend/husband” makes people leave you alone but “No thanks, not interested” is seen as a challenge… ugh. I wish it weren’t true, but there it is.
Also, “the night isn’t complete without a good-night kiss”!? Did he have a freaking checklist? Gross.
Things the night is not complete without:
• goodnight kiss
• glass of warm milk
• being tucked in
• a story
• sub-bed/closet monster inspection
*”closet monster” = penis
I JUST SNORTED PEPPERMINT TEA UP MY NOSE FROM LAUGHING OMG
“women are especially likely to be regarded as resources rather than people” – Wow, yes you are exactly right. This is the root cause of sooooo many issues.
Ugh, I don’t even get the logic behind “if you’re asexual you must not be a woman” WHAT DOES GENDER HAVE TO DO WITH WHO YOU HAVE SEX WITH!? Or don’t.
Especially since women don’t have sex drives/enjoy sex, ever. They just do it for the babies.
The logic here is really, really solid, obviously.
I think this is a good place to ask this question? Someone tell me if I’m being offensive…but would one of you fine individuals mind explaining what the difference is between bisexual and pansexual? I’m trying to become an Educated Lady.
As far as I understand, identifying as neither, pansexuality is being attracted to all genders. Some people define bisexuality as being attracted to both genders (i.e. male and female, eliminating any/all other people who identify as anything besides those two concrete ideas), while some people define bisexuality as attraction to many genders/not just your own gender. As a result, some people think bisexuality is limiting, while others don’t. People tend not to believe either one, though, so hooray!
Please correct me if I am wrong!
Bisexuality is an attraction to MULTIPLE genders, but not necessarily all, and not necessarily in the same/way same/degree.
Pansexual is equal attraction to all genders.
Thanks guys! I grew up in a Gay-Straight Alliance, LGBT world and some of these other more specific terms are still pretty new to me. I really appreciate the explanation!
Being bisexual means being attracted to same and different genders. I’ve heard pansexuals say that gender doesn’t even come into account when they are attracted to someone. So very similar, but different.
Hooray for this piece! I am not asexual, but I did *on purpose* decide not to date anyone for a period of time, to focus on myself and my writing and eating tacos and I dunno, anything besides dating someone.
The number of people (including friends) who insisted that I “be open to dating” was insane. One person who asked me out even said that just because I didn’t want to date anyone, didn’t mean that I should say no. Um, yes, “I don’t want to” is a totally valid reason to say no and also, I’d rather not date anyone who doesn’t think I get a say in what I want to do.
Let’s all just let people be who they are/ want to be and make their own decisions for their lives that aren’t hurting anyone else, why don’t we? It doesn’t seem that hard to me.
It’s good for your health to pay attention to me, I’m just looking out for you is all.
Focusing on eating tacos is always a good choice. Seriously, though, I like your attitude and want to be more like you. But tacos are serious, too, just on another plane.
I have made the same choice, and the comments I get are always related to my self-esteem – “you’re pretty, you deserve love!” or “did you get hurt?” “have you considered therapy?” It is so very insulting.
/me too
I wish I had something wonderfully witty and apropos to add here, but I too am aromantic asexual and YES, what everyone here said. So far I’ve heard that I should date:
* to see what it’s like
* for companionship
* because intelligent people such as myself have a duty to breed.
I think I’ll stick with the (singular) cat, thanks.
Mercifully I have only gotten the first one, but euuugh that last one, definitely no thanks! 🙁
“To see what it’s like” ugh, I hate this. You don’t have to try everything out before you know it’s not for you!
I’m working up a real rant about “experience oppression”. I think it came out of a lot of places, but basically the idea that a person isn’t allowed to say they’re not interested in something unless they’ve tried it. AND what a goddamn trap that will be because if you do try it and don’t like it, the next step is to suggest they didn’t do it right.
And it’s got two troubling prongs. One is that other people can’t respect you if you say it’s not your thing. “You should try bungee jumping! Its such a rush!” “No thanks. I’m good.” “SERIOUSLY MAN YOU HAVEN’T LIVED TIL YOU PAY A LOT OF MONEY TO FALL OUT OF A PLANE.”, etc etc. I mean I get that there’s a fair aspect to say that if you have narrow range of experience and you are afraid to try anything new, that it’s entirely possible that you might like things you didn’t expect, and also that some things take time to like, but still, make that argument if you want, don’t hit someone with a specific experience only.
PART 2 is the bucket list aspect of this, ESPECIALLY when it comes to things like sex. The idea that there are all these EXPERIENCES and having them is a right for humans and we should make a list of the 1,000 positions and partners and kinks to try before we die or drugs or mountain tops or whatever. Like, that shit is great, it’s good to have ambitions, but none of that is a RIGHT or standard owed experience. An example: a person I know who was like, it’s hard to commit to monogamy because my great regret is never having a threesome, and I just don’t want to feel like its never going to happen. And I’m like, ok but seriously you were single for 15 years of your sexual life. Your future wife didn’t stop you from having a threesome before you were with her and you never managed it, which is perhaps because you never pursued that above all, or because it wasn’t something the world just owes you. Also if you had it and it was unsatisfying would that make you double down? It’s not just any threesome, its a really good one, right? There’s something really entitled about the idea that the world is a buffet and the only cool people are the ones who tried a bit of each thing on the menu, especially when lots of people don’t even get to have anything at all.
The full range of human experience cannot be experienced by any one human because there are far too many things to do and see and try. If you are committed to being a poly kinkster, by definition you can’t also be a anchorite nun, at least not on the same day. And that’s what makes it interesting! It needs to be ok for people to say, “your thing is not my bag at all, but tell me about it! I like you and I’ll just trust you make good choices for yourself.”
Holy crap. Looking at asexual invisibility through a feminist lens is BRILLIANT. I can’t believe how much I identified with this in a deeply personal way, despite being sexual and romantic.
It would be inappropriate to mass email this to all 100,000 people in my company probably??? BUT EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ THIS
So wonderful to see so many people connected to the piece! Thank you so much for any sharing you do.
I feel so lucky right now.
I’m gayce (is that a common word? IDK I started using it recently because I like it), like 90-95% asexual, but strong enough lesbian leanings that I thought I was just plain gay until I was 19 and learned that asexuality is even a thing. The asexuality spectrum is hard to define sometimes. Because I am aromantic, too, but then every now and then, I think “wow that lady is attractive” and never think it about dudes? anyway not going into the TMI details here.
But to say that I feel so lucky because there must be something about my personality or just keeping all this close to my chest or living in a Bible Belt that I don’t get harassed about it. I mean, I do get some pushback and well-meaning strangers, but for the most part, I am able to get away with “I just don’t care” about dating or sex and give them a Look and it’s done. I get more harassment about being childfree, honestly! The fact that I have 4 younger siblings, one of whom I helped raise, and oodles of younger cousins can give me some leeway, but it’s tough.
And even then, the frustration/harassment is super mild. So, feeling lucky.
It’d be nice if the constant insinuations that there’s something wrong with me, the stuff that’s in the media all over the place, just because I don’t care about dating or sex, would go away. Did you know there’s an asexual woman in the USA comedy “Sirens”? I saw the episode where she was introduced, and it was uncomfortable. It was played for comedy, and I couldn’t help feel defensive that the viewer was supposed to be laughing at her, even though she was basically stating the exact things I was thinking.
I saw that episode of Sirens! Of course I’m coming from it from a different perspective as a heterosexual woman, but I thought it was played pretty well (yes, it was played for comedy, but I didn’t get the impression that we were supposed to be laughing at her any more than we laugh at the other characters). The male character that was pursuing her didn’t try to “turn” her – he actually decided that he just wanted to hang out with her anyway, without the sexual component. For all of the newness there is to portraying asexuality on TV, I think they handled it pretty well.
Of course, I’m not arguing with the fact that you were offended; you’re absolutely entitled to feel that way (especially since you have experience on the topic!) Just offering my opinion.
Oh, no, I wasn’t actually offended by it! Just confused and uncomfortable. It seemed like they were trying to portray her positively, but at the same time it was all jokes (and I got the impression that they were using the guy as a joke, too?), and I had flashbacks to the awful shit of Big Bang Theory.
I’m still kind of ambivalent about Sirens. I’ve only seen a few episodes and wanted to like it, but there’s something about the show I can’t pinpoint but doesn’t quite sit right with me. idek. :/
I definitely get why you’d have your guard up; asexuality in the media does tend to be portrayed as a joke or something that can be “solved.” I think one of the reasons I love Sirens is because everyone gets made fun of equally: the (very confident and badass) asexual, the gay guy, the straight macho guy, the straight not-so-macho guy…the show doesn’t seem to pick on any of them more than the other and jokes are made at everyone’s expense.
/off-topic television review
This is wonderful and people are awful.
This was such a great piece. It’s sadly enlightening how much your asexuality puts a spotlight on our culture’s objectification of women as ‘things’ and ‘objects of men’s desires.’ I am neither asexual nor aromantic, but as someone who has had an unconventional dating history, I very much related to your stories of how horrifying it can be to wade through people’s unfair judgments and cultural expectations of you. Brava.
But on a more lighthearted note:
“…my “nights with friends” generally involve art supplies or homemade pizza, with no special dress code required.”
Um, that sounds awesome. Can we be friends?
As one of said friends, those nights are awesomesauce.
My best gal, everyone. ::serves up a cup full of awesomesauce, finds it a bit salty::
Thank you so much. And yes, let’s be pals, haha. For serious though, lying around on the carpet doodling comics and eating baked-from-scratch pizza is the best evening ever.
I’ve started tentatively identifying as asexual (I find people attractive but I don’t want to DO anything about it with them?) and definitely identifying as aromantic over the past year and offline it’s been frustrating. My younger brother, the one I’m closest to, has said things like ‘I KNOW you’re not asexual’ and the closest I’ve got to feeling able to explain it to people is ‘I’m not interested in dating right now or maybe ever’ to a guy who is pursuing me.
At least online has been a lot more supportive- tumblr is kind of a blessing in this respect. I’m still afraid that I don’t feel romantic or sexual because there’s something wrong with me/I’m just too tired for relationships/I’m lazy and selfish, though.
Tired is medical and you deserve to feel better than tired. So see a doctor. That said, you have a right to feel uninterested in sex or romance. And a right to feel rested, physically and emotionally. Please take care of yourself. You have my support, no matter what.
If you feel that aromantic and/or asexual are the labels that fit you, use them. Don’t second-guess yourself or let people try to convince you they’re not right! No one knows what’s going on inside you besides you, even people close to you. And, yeah, finding people attractive but not wanting to DO anything about it is pretty frustrating! At least in the sense that it confuses the hell out of everyone else and makes them ask inappropriate questions. I feel you there, big time.
— ace lady who second-guessed herself a lot
Julie Decker is my idol. Well, at least in a ‘this is the kind of person I relly look up to’ sort of way. The world needs more people like her. What I mean is, someone who brings to light how things really are, despite the media transforming most of her efforts into things that they are not. A big thanks to ‘the Toast’ for not doing such a thing.
I’m also an asexual woman, though probably not aromantic. At least not as far as I can tell. For the longest time I pushed the idea away from myself that I could be asexual. It was only some years ago that I actually figured myself out. Unfortunately our society doesn’t try to figure things out. Which is why we still have things like bi-erasure as well as the dumb idea that asexuality doesn’t exist. Yes, it is true that long acronyms are hard to remember but I don’t want to miss the ‘A’ in LGBTQA+ for all the world. And no, it does NOT stand for allies, because an ally does not need a letter.
You are seriously the sweetest. I’m grateful to the Toast too for putting a frame around my message instead of warping it. And this comments section! Can’t believe all the sweethearts here!
Oh man so great to see an article about us ace ladies! I love it!
For me identifying as asexual all clicked when one of my friends offhandedly said “have you heard about asexual people? Man, they must be WEIRD. Like robots.” So… not the best start there. Luckily I was so happy to have figured things out that the insult didn’t even register until days later.
Funny thing about that, one of my best friends who is asexual refers to themselves as a robot as well.
Anyway though, Julie/swankivy/ivy is a marvelously wonderful person whom one day I would like to sit down and have some sort of non alcoholic beverage with and just talk about whatever with for an hour and end the hour with a handshake. I had the pleasure of reading part of her book that comes out soon and it was wonderful. I can’t wait til it comes out so I can buy myself and my robot friend a copy. And I love reading her blog and watching her youtube videos. She’s very informative and fairly patient with people and she doesn’t have to be. I applaud her for it. Also, she deserves all the praise in the world.
Yeah, it’s one of those things where on the one hand, it’s weird and problematic to connect asexual people and robots because we aren’t and there are maybe icky connotations there. But on the other hand, I am an asexual person *and* I have always identified with/kinda wanted to be a cyborg/robot/android/something, both in ways that are connected to my not fundamentally grokking sex and in ways that aren’t. So that’s tricky to navigate.
Thanks Blow Pop, I remember ya from the editing phase. 🙂 Potential non-alcoholic drink-sharing experience is noted–I’m open! 🙂 Thanks for the compliments and the support for the book. As for robots, I think it’s important to take dicey labels like that and let individuals self-apply them without generalizing that this is okay for other people to apply to similar people. Kinda like the t-word for trans folks; some don’t care at all, some jokingly use it as a reclaimed slur, and some people don’t like it at all. It’s fine if someone is robot-like in addition to being asexual and considers their asexuality part of that, but as long as people are cool with understanding that it’s not definitive of asexuality, we can be a happy family of people whose personalities and sexuality within those personalities are diversified in a beautiful way.
My introduction to asexuality was when someone linked AVEN on a little messageboard I participated in (and I mean LITTLE, it was seriously ten people or less arguing about Invader Zim for months on end) with the standard “ugh, why do these people feel the need to LABEL this, do they think they’re SPECIAL for just not being ready for sex yet?” sort of derision attached. So it was not a great start but it kind of stuck in my mind and a few years later, when I was ready to consider the possibility that maybe I wasn’t the straight girl I’d always assumed I was, I already knew about the community.
So…well, negative press can sometimes at least help asexuals find the community, but I probably would have been more willing to examine it/might have come to the community earlier if it hadn’t been couched in those terms.
I loved this, thank you for an excellent article! I haven’t dated in years and fortunately get very little flak about it – my close friends accept me and I’m not a social person in general.
“Isn’t that the most relevant question, after all? Whether I want to?” YES.
thank you so so so so much for writing this piece. you’re a force of nature.
Thank you for putting it altogether into words! And writing about asexuality is such a great idea, I totally do that since I figured it out. (14.02.2014) I love writing, so why not use it for good? So much of what you write is what I experienced too, sadly. Including an abusive relationship and what not. I love your article so much. That’s the only positive thing I can see in this: people connecting, opening up, sharing their thoughts. And that’s just great and wonderful. I want to put all the beautiful words into this comment to thank you. Greetings.
Yes yes yes, more ace writers! And though I’ve been putting out lots of nonfiction on this topic, there’s a ton that can be said with ace characters through fictional narratives too–those presentations of our perspectives can get certain folks to connect more personally and strongly. It takes all kinds of media. Yes, by all means, use it for good!
Aw, friendly hug if you enjoy that sort of thing, or supportive pats of your personal space if not.
I’ve often thought that asexual must be one of the most difficult orientations to have, since our fucking culture is all about…well, fucking. This confirms my worst fears.
(Bisexual, heteroromantic woman.)
Thank you so much for writing this. I am asexual but am only ‘out’ to a few close friends, for fear of comments such as the ones you have received. It has been implied that I should just ‘try’ sex and I’d feel much better or that the reason I am asexual is due to childhood experiences. There is so much misunderstanding out there and talking openly about asexuality can be terrifying.
I find people attractive, I am open to a romantic relationship with either males or females, I just have no desire for sex. Simples, yes?
This is an excellent article. Thanks for sharing your experiences, and I wish people would just grow up already and treat other people as human beings instead of things.
I know that I am in a minority here being a man (please put down the pitchforks). I want to say that first this is another amazing, well written article by Julie Decker and secondly I agree completely with everything she says. I recently started calling myself asexual, though my lack of sexual attraction to people has always been part of who I am, it’s hard wired into my brain. I experience nothing at all, I can realise when someone is aesthetically beautiful, but only in the same way I would recognise beauty in a flower, or exquisitely rendered painting. I find I’m only really attracted too people as friends or close companions, when I was younger I saw this as fine I didn’t realise sexual attraction was something different. I completely agree that the way women/females (please select the word you want. I get so scared in using the wrong one) are viewed by the media and by men in general, especially the idea that they are all girly girls and are there for the sole purpose of procreation, and the fact that they have working parts that allow them to do so must mean they want to. I’ve had friends who, when turned down by girls, have said things like
“she must be a f…ing lesbian”
“she’s frigid”
Or, and I’m cringing writing this one
“she’s just playing hard to get, you can tell she’s gagging for it”
It really makes me ashamed to be a man. I can’t tell you the number of male friends I’ve lost because, I don’t want to go out and pick someone up.
I do get odd looks and comments when I mention my lack of interest. They range from you must be gay, no I’m pretty sure I’m not,
well I’ll find you someone, no thanks don’t bother I’m fine,
or you’re f…ing crazy you’re losing your mind. Despite the fact I am a 37 year old virgin and happy to remain so, means nothing they know better. The most hurtful thing was an aunt who told me she was going to get me a prostitute to sort me out and make me a man.
This reaction is why I would never tell my mother because if the family heard they would make her life a misery, she’s in her late 70’s and poor health so why inflict that on her.
Anyway this is turning into its own article. Just want to repeat this as a fab article and these issues need to be made more widely known. Once I get up (it’s 3am) ill try and share this article on tumblr. Take care all.
I’m so sorry you’ve had those experiences. Our society is so messed up about compulsory modes of sexuality.
For future reference, unless you’re presenting a natural history documentary “female” is an adjective, so it’s “women are viewed” and “female [nouns] (humans, nurses, children, technicians, etc) are viewed”.
Thanks
I, too, am sorry you have endured bad experiences just for being who you are. I accept you as-is.You are welcome here.
Thanks for this. I’m one of those stupid people who never really got what the fuss was all about — that sort of, “So don’t have sex, what’s stopping you from not having sex, why is this an issue?” But then…I guess I just run in really strange/lucky circles? I have a couple of friends who I think are probably asexual, inasmuch as in all the years I’ve known them, they’ve never dated or really ever talked about relationships or anything, but I suppose they aren’t “out”/self-identified. And it’s just seemed like a total non-issue; occasionally someone will ask, “What’s the deal with X, are they ace/gay and conflicted/just a loner, what?” And everyone will kind of shrug, because who knows? And so I guess I assume that’s how everything is all the time for everyone forever, because my life is obviously the template.
I had no idea other asexual people received this type of treatment, so color me a little more conscious now, hopefully.
I would say reactions depend on where you live, who your friends are, that kind of stuff. I’m asexual, but I’ve rarely received the kind of reaction that Ivy/Julie’s described above. Then again, I’m not as open about it as she is. I like to think most people are as accepting as you are; ie other people’s sexualities aren’t a big deal so whatever your deal is, man/lady/other, it’s cool, just pass the Doritos already. You’re not stupid, so please don’t think that!
Thank you so much for sharing this.
I identify as demisexual (mostly ace, but occasionally experiencing attraction in conjunction with strong feelings for somebody) and I get frustrated because it so closely fits the stereotype of how women are “supposed” to feel — like, some sort of “saving myself for true love” narrative? I’ve come out to several friends who have said, “Oh, I think that’s me too, because I’d rather have sex in a relationship,” and I have to be like “NO YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND.”
I’ve tried to explain the difference to them by saying that sexual attraction is kind of a road map. They might prefer not to sleep with people they don’t love, for whatever reason, but attraction makes them want to find somebody, and then draws them to specific people, and then makes them want to know that person better, and then helps create a bond/feelings/whatever makes people with no common interests want to spend lots of time together. I don’t have that relationship road map. I can think someone is cute and interesting and wonderful — even a close friend or someone I have a crush on — and it will translate into zero sexual feeling, and may never develop into that. The one time I had sexual/romantic feelings for somebody was after years of friendship and even then I stumbled blindly into it. “Live with someone for two years and then have ill-advised drunk sex with them and realize that this time, for whatever reason and for the first time ever, you suddenly want to hold their hand and shit” is not really a scientifically reproducible system for finding love.
I was hoping to find the demis on this post. That’s what I relate to the most strongly and yet there’s very little information/testimony out there that paints a clear picture of what Demi-sexual means and it’s so wonderful to hear that other people are navigating by the same “road map” that I am and that we’re not all hopelessly lost like I thought I was for many many years.
Great article!
Did you ever get things sorted out with that journalist who mangled your words? That’s insane.
No. I wouldn’t have even known the article had been published if a woman touched by the article hadn’t written to thank me for it. The journalist first told me she had no idea when it would be published–and was still saying so 15 days after it HAD been–so when I asked her to explain why I’d never gotten the promised read-back and why it had been written in first person, she gave me some extraordinary dodges. I explicitly asked these questions and she kept saying she would talk to me about it soon BUT 1. “I can’t right now because I’m in South America and my Internet connection is too spotty” and then 2. “I’ll talk to you soon but I just had a baby” and then 3. “I’ll call you soon but I’m sick and I’ve completely lost my voice!” I’m not kidding–she said all three of those things. After the third time I repeated that I did not need to talk to her or discuss anything–I just wanted the answer to why the read-back never happened and who had written the article in first person as if I’d written it. (There was some doubt as to whether it was the journalist herself or the person whose name appeared on the article–presumably staff of the magazine.) She then proceeded to never answer my mail again. Odd since she acted so horrified at the way the Daily Mail portrayed me and seemed sympathetic about unprincipled journalists.
It's hard not to internalize those ideas about female worth (which you describe so well!!) that society reminds us of all the time. Lately, I've been working out a lot and find myself looking in the mirror sometimes thinking "Hey, good looking!" (which is lovely, for anyone, especially someone with a history of body image anxiety).
Yesterday was interesting though – I had that moment of happiness seeing my own body in the mirror, just as I was getting into the shower, and then I noticed that happiness dissipate into a kind of worry: I've never wanted to have sex with anyone, and I'm pretty sure it's very possible I never will… so is this beautiful body that I'm finally proud of, in fact, a waste?
And the good part of this story is that I finally caught myself thinking that, and I realized what my mind was doing, internalizing all those messages about my beautiful and precious body being worthless if it's not for someone else. And I told myself: how can this be a waste? This is the body that lets me bike, and dance, and run, and play-fight, and cuddle with my friends, and sing, and that I get to dress up in beautiful clothes that I like, that carries me on amazing travels, that heals itself from all manner of cuts and bruises and illnesses again and again, and that allows me to do everything that I do and to experience a world that awes and moves me every day. And I'm afraid that it may somehow still be "unused"?
And I got in the shower, and I felt the warm water run down my skin, and I wasn't afraid of that anymore.
Heterosupremacism is what this is.
For whatever reason, heterosexuals (not all, but many. Perhaps most.) have this burning need inside for EVERYONE to be heterosexual.
We do not see this in any other human but the heterosexual. Gay men don’t seek for heterosexuals to abandon their true sexuality in favor of gay sexuality. Lesbians do not either, to my knowledge. Neither do the bisexuals.
There seems to be something inherent in many heterosexual people that they need to degrade, dehumanize, and often destroy any sexuality that does not mirror their own. It seems likely that this is not an actual biological instinct, but rather, something programmed into the heads of children too young to question it.
This is supremacy. Whites used supremacy against blacks. Men against women. On and on and on.
What supremacism REALLY seems to be about is FEAR.
When heterosexuals reach a place in their evolvement where they can quietly accept that people unlike them exist, the world will be a far happier and more peaceful place.
Until then, heterosupremacism rules the day. But history will remember it for for what is, and for what it did to people.
I was a highly sexual person until I hit early menopause. During the ten years that elapsed between my divorce and menopause, I was consumed with the idea of finding a romantic partner — somebody to love and grow old with, but always in my mind a lover/husband. And what I found to my astonishment is that sans sexuality, I no longer have patience for the bullshit of men or a desire to cohabit with one. The desire simply evaporated. I no longer feel that I need a man to “complete” me. I wouldn’t mind a companion to grow old with, but in my head, that companion no longer has to be a guy — a friend or relative would fit the bill just fine. It’s amazing how closely tied the idea of a partner was to my sexuality and I didn’t realize it.
Yes yes yes, you are so right about this. The messages we get from single dudes and TV/movies are decidedly un-helpful.
Empathy is difficult when it comes to the opposite sex.
I actually have to give some credit to Mystery and the pick-up artist show here. Men have a hard time internalizing what it's like to be sexually attracted to someone who is physically bigger and stronger and could rape and kill you if you're not careful. Too bad some of the other messages from his show weren't quite so positive!
And of course, women have a hard time understanding the impossible situation of men trying to know if someone is attracted to them. We don't get to choose between all of the people hitting on us every day — we are expected to ask dozens of women out, enduring abuse from the ones who are really mean in their rejections — and every one in awhile we'll get a date. If we tell someone that we're attracted to them, we're predatory jerks — but if we don't say anything then we're introverted wimps who will die alone. (slight exaggeration, I'll admit, but only a little)
from a dude perspective: much respect! you have so much courage and insight. Keep being an awesome and inspiring person!
This essay is exquisite. One of the best I have read on asexuality, especially the nuanced mentions of gender and mention of fetishization and race, something that complicates my experience as a Black woman who is an ace. Thank you for sharing this. I want to email it to literally everyone.
I love this article. I haven’t told my family yet, but a lot of my university friends know. Most were understanding, and asked a few questions about it to increase their understanding, but there were a few who were… less understanding, with one person, upon finding out, immediately told me that I was wrong and that there is no such thing as asexuality, and refused to discuss it further. Thank you for writing this article, it will be helpful when explaining to more people I the future!
I just wanted to write a comment and say Thank You.
Now I have to go think for awhile.
Thanks for sharing your experiences, and I wish people would just grow up already and treat other people as human beings instead of things.I am so sorry that you have received death and rape threats just for speaking out about your identity.
This is just a note to say thank you so much for writing this. I’m a 16 year old asexual (although not aromantic) girl, and the amount of times people have just been unable to understand my sexuality is astounding. Even one of my closest friends who is well in the LGBT+ community can’t understand it. I always love reading about people like you talking about asexuality, and I hope you don’t mind if I forward this to anyone in the future who is offensive to me!
I need to show this article to a few people…
But first; THANK YOU for this piece, thank you for sharing this with us. It sheds light on the problem, and not just ace erasure, but any different gender or sexual identities. And race. Yeah.
Am I allowed to share experiences as well? I’m ace, but romantically attracted to all gender. Very few people know that: my best friend knows, my parents know only about the ace part and another good friend of mine knows it all too. So far, they’ve all been understanding, and looking forward to better ‘understand’ asexuality as a whole, so on that part, got nothing to complain about. Guess I’m just really lucky.
But then there’s my ex-boyfriend. He remained a really close friend of mine, he’s been dating lots of girls since our break-up and we’ve always been fine with that. He’s been there with me when I needed help and reassurance (like my best friend and my best bro mentioned above). So one day, I thought: Hey! Imma get you in the loop buddy! You deserve it!
After that, I’ve been served a few comments: “But you’re not ace, you had sex.” “I know you, and I know you’re not ace.” “Stop trying to be the little snowflake.” “You’re only trying to guilt trip me – was I really bad sex?” (I never mentioned anything about our relationship in that coming out, BTW) “But you said you had a crush on that guy” (romantic crush maybe but I never wanted to share the guys bed, and he kept coming with that one even if I told him just that) and last but not least (regarding my romantic attractions) “You’re just trying to get one foot out of the closet, what you really want is bedding both sex.” UMMM NO?
Reading the comments here makes me realize I’m not the only one to have been served most of those, and its oddly comforting to know I’m not the only one who dealt with the “I know you better than you do, you’re not ace even if you claim to be, I know you want sex etc.” one.
Its my body, my mind and my feelings, no? Who can claim to know that better than I do?
Thank you for sharing your experiences, especially considering what that newspaper did to you. Some of the reactions that you recount are cringe-worthy and awful.
This was tremendous, and it resonated on many levels with me. I identify as a very low sex drive demisexual, cos attraction does happen, sometimes, rarely, and even when that happens I’m still not sure I want to have sex with the person either (and it’s only with women so far), and more often than not I find myself worrying about the perception from the outside, about how people will say i’m broken and obviously not a complete woman for not WANTING this so much, or how much of a “waste” it is that I don’t have sex or don’t want it and I get so exhausted about this stuff, it sometimes rumbles and rumbles in my brain and I can’t escape it.
Hell, I see people who I respect a lot, who talk a lot about feminism matters and are relentlessly never letting something go on so many topics and fighting for them, but who get very very quiet and a bit judgey about asexuality and non sex behaviors, as if it threatens what they fight for, and therefore missing the point entirely that it’s about freedom to feel and and freedom to know yourself and to be able to say “this is my place on the sex matters, it’s cool, bye”.
I hate it because I know better, I know, deep down, that this is who I am and it’s OKAY. But man, the world at large and the super shift to hyper sexual world around us makes it very very hard to exist and be yourself in that sense.
I don’t know if I’m making much sense but thank you, wonderful article.
It is so incredibly angering that someone would post an article with false information just because they want to “normalize” asexuality and aromanticism (and boy, isn’t that problematic). I look forward to buying/reading your book in the near future. – from a fellow invisible orientation
I enjoyed your article so I decided to check out your site–and realized I had read all your Inheritance Cycle essays, way back in the old days when I still hung around the Anti-Shurtugal LJ 😀 Thanks for sharing your experiences as an out aro ace; I'm not there yet but this will help if I ever decide to tell my friends.
I’m so glad I stumbled over this and the comments are so warming and some comments are really a riot in a good way. I very privately identify as a heteroromantic, asexual, not sex repulsed, in a straight passing marriage, but without this marriage, I would live happily without sex because attraction and libido are not the same and I really don’t experience attraction to anyone. I don’t even know if I’m straight passing on my own, but I have a hunch that I’ve been misperceived in the past. See; I’m already on the defense.
The few people I’ve tried to have been well meaning but clearly not understood me at all and I really regret coming out to anyone. In the best cases they’ve just complimented me for being a dignified woman and wanted to re-assure me that I’m just very old fashioned for a straight woman. When you’ve struggled to first of all find the vocabulary to explain how you don’t experience primary attraction and you’ve worked up the courage to tell a few confidants, it’s always nice to know that they know you better than you do.
I have aesthetic sense and some men are indeed very handsome without being sexy to me. If I wasn’t in a straight passing marriage, I worry that misinformation and little understanding of asexuality vs. no understanding at all, would actually make me a target of people who’d question my heteroromanticism.
It seems easier for some people to understand aromanticism or biromanticism but not mono-romanticism in asexuals. I don’t know if this is the fault of google+ that shows me these results more than understanding results. I need to lurk more on asexual blogs/forums to see if other monoromantics; heteroromantics like myself or homoromantics experience this attempt from others who think they have a clue, to educate us on how we can’t possibly know that we can only form romantic attraction to one other gender?
I also need help to identify myself in more clear terms, if for no other reason than a sense of support and for my sanity’s sake. Julie, like others have said; thank you so much for writing this. I’ve thankfully never heard of that article before I found this post of yours, but it’s really disheartening to read that this happened to you.
I am so incredibly late to this party, but thank you so much for this piece. I’ve long felt like a freak of nature for not being completely obsessed with sex, and it’s comforting to know I am not alone (although I would probably describe myself more as demisexual rather than asexual).
I believe these “cats”, this equation of being a “spinster” with keeping cats, is all about maternal instinct. You see, a single woman’s Bosom is Crying, and she’s keeping those cats as Substitute Babies! Anyway, back to serious, I’ve certainly met this stereotype. I’ve written something about it in my diary and what I described as “stereotypical activities of a modern spinster” also obligatorily included keeping cats. The whole entry was generally about how easy do people find it to suggest others that their lives must be boring and empty. The fragment I’m describing (note that English is a second language for me, the translation may have some errors and won’t sound as lively as it does in Polish):
“Somebody suggested precisely this: that since I don’t experience desire, I don’t know the charms of male-female relationships and can’t even appreciate them (lesbianism is traditionally impossible, unthinkable), I must be lacking experiences and sensations. First I answered in a very general, terse and cold way that no, I’m not. The interlocutor answered with ideas of stereotypical activities of a modern spinster – a mocking tone could just be heard in written text. I just couldn’t resist and I answered more broadly what I’m not lacking in my life. And at once his attitude towards me changed enormously – I just blunted him, I intrigued him with ski-jump-climbing (he asked what it is) and impressed him with philosophy and psychonautics. It’s striking how much a behavior not consistent with the stereotype employed perplex people and immediately create a much more positive image of a given person.”
Amazing article just wanted to add my few cents in. I know from experience how hard it can be growing up as asexual in a sexual world, many of my friends don’t get my orientation and one has gone so far as to suggest I can only date a paraplegic who can’t feel his penis because that’s in her mind the only way I will ever be able to be in a successful relationship. this particular comment seems to be one I get quite a bit, and the people saying it don’t seem to understand how hurtful and insulting it is. Not only that but I identify as bi romantic asexual so saying I should only date a disabled man is ignoring my romantic feelings sans sexual for both genders. It also tells me I am broken and no non disabled person would consider me due to how wrong I am for being asexual. These kind of comments can severely harm a persons self worth and confidence in thir identity and completely disregard the feelings of the disabled as well because it is also insinuating by being asexual you are disabled. Oh and for the record I did date romantically a paraplegic in middle school, broke it off because he was sexual and I was not though at the time I viewed myself as the freakish sexuality x, imbued with mystical powers and the freakish lack of desire for sex; one day destined to save the world from the misinformed and hypocritical. Sadly the paraplegic comment is the least I have been told and been threatened with over the years, many people don’t seem to understand how being a invisible asexual can be more dangerous than a visible sexual.
Because when you are invisible anything done to you does not exist. This includes stalking, harassment , death threats, corrective rape, and even corrective medical procedures that are actually abuse. I tell this to anyone who asks why asexual a need a label, we need a label to show we exist so we can protect ourselves from being harmed and persecuted against in a hyper sexual world.