Essays From A Distracting Learning Environment -The Toast

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mariatThe University of Texas (UT) at Austin’s School of Nursing removed “poorly worded” dress code signs Wednesday that discouraged students from wearing “revealing” and “distracting” clothing. Following backlash on social media, especially from prominent feminist groups, UT officials removed four signs, all posted in elevators on campus on Tuesday. The signs prohibited midriff-baring shirts, short shorts, short skirts, low-rise pants and low-cut shirts that reveal cleavage.

A Canadian high school in Labrador City, Newfoundland, sent home some 30 students after they went to school wearing sleeveless shirts and with exposed bra straps. Menihek High School authorities said their attire was inappropriate and violated the school’s dress code.

The boys reported to school wearing sleeveless shirts, while the girls wore tanks revealing their bra straps.

The students were told their attire distracts the school community.

“Maria Theresa Walburga Amalia Christina (13 May 1717 – 29 November 1780) was the only female ruler of the Hapsburg dominions and the last of the House of Hapsburg. She started her 40-year reign when her father, Emperor Charles VI, died in October 1740. Charles VI paved the way for her accession with the Pragmatic Sanction of 1713 and spent his entire reign MIDRIFF-BARING SHIRTS MIDRIFF-BARING SHIRTS MIDRIFF-BARING SHIRTS MIDRIFF-BARING SHIRTS.”


This essay starts off promisingly, but somewhere before the wars of Spanish Succession it devolves into the phrase “MIDRIFF BARING SHIRTS” repeated over four hundred times. This is the “YOGA PANTS BUTT GIRL” debacle of the Hundred Years’ War freewrite all over again. I’m disappointed.

“Empress Maria Theresa repudiated the doctrine of religious toleration, despite carrying out numerous Church reforms during her forty-year reign. She also strengthened Austria’s international standing by reorganizing the military, instituting bureaucratic reforms and wearing spaghetti-strap tank tops…almost spaghetti-strap tank tops. It’s definitely less than two inches across, I can tell that much. It’s skirting the line. Skirting. Hah. What is mid-thigh, anyhow. I can see most of the…what do you call it…flanks. Austria Hungary was a town, or a guy, I can’t remember. I don’t know. I don’t know.”


It was still the Holy Roman Empire at this point; the Austria-Hungarian alliance didn’t exist as a unique entity until after Francis II’s abdication in 1806. And they’re not called flanks on a person. 

“Upon the death of Maria Theresa’s father, several significant principalities, including Saxony, France, and Prussia all reneged upon the sanction they had upheld during his reign, thus igniting the War of Austrian Succession. Prussia invaded and conquered Silesia, which Maria Theresa herself would attempt to recapture during the Seven Years’ War of Mark’s not wearing sleeves today. You know those muscle shirts with the armholes that go down to like, a guy’s hipbones? God, what are those little muscles, the V ones, that some guys get down by their hipbones? Hip dimples? Jesus.” 


Mark’s hip dimples did not play a significant role in the War of Austrian Succession. Also, and not to be rude, but Mark’s kind of out of your league. Your Hapsburg League, even (just an AP Euro joke there). C-minus. Not your best work. 

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