God bless all of you lovely dryads for sending me this video a thousand times today. “I’m not sure if you’ve seen this yet…” “Just putting this here…” “HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW KSTEW VIDEO” (no one even bothers to mention Jenny Lewis, FITTINGLY.)
Other people, I believe, are in this music video. Anne Hathaway is in it, which I find unobjectionable. Possibly Brie Larson. It may even be that Jenny Lewis is in it; I couldn’t tell you. You don’t have to watch it if you don’t want to or if you forgot to bring your headphones to work; I’m going to walk you through the whole thing and I’m not going to leave your side.
First: the song. It’s…fine! Relaxing. A bit clever, maybe. I like the star-spangled Lisa Frank pantsuit the main girl wears. Let us move on to higher and grander things.
Shades of Robert Palmer’s “Addicted To Love,” obviously. The Stewart Underbite is in full force here, to great effect. Something you might not have come to understand, if you are not a student of La Stewart as I am, is that she is one of the most misunderstood people in the world. Everything you found objectionable about her in the Twilight films — and you found her objectionable; I have read the internet — was the result of a lion being forced to wear housecat drag. She was made to pursue, not to be pursued; she was made to lean exquisitely against walls and wear men’s trousers and take women by the chin and kiss them fully on the mouth. She takes, she is not taken. She was more Joan Jett in The Runaways than Joan Jett ever was. Heterosexuality cannot contain her; neither can this white suit.
When she bites her lower lip, planets wink out of existence, such is her power.
At about 1:55 in the video, Kristen Stewart drags the underside of her hand against her throat in the most perfectly masculine gesture I have ever seen. It caused me to black out for several minutes.
“Why doesn’t Kristen Stewart smile more?”
what have you ever done in your miserable, craven waste of an existence, you useless and unlovely sack of air, to make her smile, is the real question
the power of her smile is so great that you would crumble into ash if she ever directed one at you
the world is not ready to see Kristen Stewart smile. We would all be purified and pass from our mortal bodies in an instant.
This isn’t directly related to Kristen Stewart, but it’s very charming when all the girls ape that strange male half-hug/chest bump just before the three-minute mark. There are a lot of jump-kicks.
At roughly 2:35, Kristen Stewart waggles her eyebrows in suggestive delight at the viewer, then beckons to herself as if to say “Me? You? You? Me? Is this happening? Let’s make this happen.” Kristen Stewart contains more drollery in the crook of her little finger than you have in your entire miserable carcass.
You are a piece of shit and I hate you. I would cheerfully slide a knife across your eyelids to spend three-quarters of a minute looking at Kristen Stewart’s neck from a respectful distance.
[Werner Herzog voice] What people fail to understand, of course, is that Kristen Stewart is inherently playful, a natural comic; her facial and verbal tics are miscohnstruuuhed by those who mistake reserve for seriousness.
Her jawbone was carved out of the white and silent stone of the bottom of the Rhine. A thousand men died to craft it. A thousand more will die before it leaves the earth forever.
Kristen Stewart slouches like the half-human offpsring of Lord Apollo and a panther. She is a sexual murderer, and you have never understood her, not even a little bit, not even once.
“Why doesn’t Kristen Stewart smile more?”
what have you ever done in your miserable, craven waste of an existence, you useless and unlovely sack of air, to make her smile, is the real question
I can think of a few things I’d like to try.
I keep re-reading that line. SUCH JOY.
Do not think for ONE SECOND that Mallory imposes Kristen Stewart on The Toast. Everything Mallory says about Kristen Stewart is true. Kristen Stewart is the world’s greatest living human.
I’m new to this site and to this editor’s writing. I don’t know how much of this is sarcasm, or if she’s really a fan and it doesn’t really matter, I suppose. I’m a fan and I don’t think she’s misunderstood at all. People have a right to their opinions. She’s not perfect and that’s what I like about her. It’s okay not to be – underbite (which I don’t see), reserved demeanor, lip-biting, droll sense of humor and all. I think she’s a very talented actress and I don’t need her to smile to make me feel more comfortable. Anyway, just thought I’d sign in and say that I liked the video and Jenny Lewis. It was fun, most of all. Also, it made me think a little about double standards and what it means to be a working woman in a man’s world who is aging and hasn’t achieved certain things particular to womanhood, like childbirth. It’s strange how, no matter who else is in the scene, someone who people deem as uninteresting and untalented tends to take over the whole conversation. Thanks for the article.
This whole video is a delight, and Kristen Stewart looks like she’s having the most fun she’s ever had.
Also important to note that this POST is a delight (the half-human offspring of Lord Apollo and a panther I am dead) and I am team Kristen/Mallory for life. Everything about this is joy.
Kristen Stewart in drag has so many facial expressions! It is indeed delightful.
*exactly* what I thought. This video is a delight, as is our Lady of Lesbos, KStew.
ORTBERG HAS APPROVED THE OFFERING. HAIL.
I’m getting a strong Amy Poehler vibe from Kristen in that black tracksuit
This, and the video, both made me smile.
Fact: Rilke’s “The Panther” is actually about Stewart.
Pretty sure I am now this-video-sexual.
I know what you mean. I’m Kristen-Stewart-dancing-for-a-few-seconds-in-the-trailer-for-On-the-Road-sexual.
Submitted for your consideration, for reasons to do with jaw-lines: the Clouds of Sils Maria trailer, with Kristen Stewart laughing and flirting with Juliette Binoche. Laughing!
Oh my goodness, I saw a clip from that with them in the living room and I just. AMAZING.
the part where she pulls out and tosses away her sock penis, while pogoing slightly.
“Because Ortberg’s blog post used K. Stew as an archetype of physical beauty, she thought she would enjoy it; she thought she might “get in contact to ask me to go for a coffee.”
Though this effort has greater chance of achieving that than any french novel I have ever read.
Which is zero, but still.
a lion being forced to wear housecat drag.
I am aquiver with linguistic delight. <3
Kristen Stewart should never not wear pantsuits.
I did not think this was possible but whereas before I was “Meh, Kristen Stewart, who cares?”, Mallory’s posts have made me witness and appreciate her true greatness and I will punch whoever is still ignorant to her true virtues.
I think watching this without sound was the right choice.
OH GOD. YOU, TOO? I got so bored with the song I started reading the comments and missed the above-referenced sock-removal moment. Must now re-watch it, perhaps with something more to my musical tastes playing in a different tab.
I mostly just enjoy how weird music videos are without sound! Watching them on silent is a hobby. I still don’t know what this song actually sounds like…
She sounds like the long lost Flying Burrito Sister.
I think what we can all learn from this video, aside from what Mallory is saying, is that even the most lovely of women have trouble with all-white pantsuits.
This is the greatest post i have ever read. Kristen Stewart is a hot bitch and she doesn’t even try. She just is, even in the grungiest of gear with her hair like Medusa – she’s effortlessly sexy.Just wait until she’s 30 though, that’s when her hotness will really hit the stratosphere.
I’m not really into girls. And KSTEW does nothing for me.
—Me, before seeing this video
Why did they even bother dressing up the other girls as dudes KRISTEN STEWART IS CLEARLY THE HOTTEST AND BEST AT IT.
Anne Hathaway’s eye makeup is pretty good though.
Hathaway totally won me over near the end of the video when she tried to breakdance.
I consider Anne Hathaway actually very charming, and have endless forgiveness for her forays past the line of trying too hard due to those pictures of her in drag in Twelfth Night.
I’ve always been pretty fond of her, but her breakdancing reminded me of when a friend with a similar build and haircut tried to see if she could still do the the worm.
She could not.
I was at just the right age when Princess Diaries came out so I will forever have a softspot for her.
Ahh this post makes me so happy and convinces me even more that The Toast is my home. There isn’t anything the tiniest bit jokey or sexual about my affinity for K Stew though. I just think she is genuinely talented, and very misunderstood/underappreciated by a public that 1. judges actors not on their ability but on how effective they are shilling on shitty late-night shows, and 2. expects female entertainers to live their entire lives like they’re a contestant in a neverending pageant.
This video proves my long-standing hypothesis that the 100% greatest crime of 21st-century Hollywood has been their insistence on casting Kristen Stewart in dreary fantasy movies where she is drowning in armor and green-screens, instead of letting her play a Slyphide/sapphic lady-jewel thief with great taste in suits in a black comedy set in Monte Carlo.
EDIT: I would like to add that her character in this movie is not that bright (beyond a genius for stealing jewels) and she is the comic lynchpin upon which the whole movie hinges. She’s been cornered as the broody/moody girl for too long. I bet she could screwball.
Love it! Well, she just wrapped filming on “American Ultra,” which should hit theaters next year. That’s the glorious movie we can thank for her badass orange hair. Anyway, it re-teams her with Jesse Eisenberg, who she has amazing chemistry with, as two stoners who are on the run from the government. Action/comedy all the way. Can’t wait because it should be a great change for her.
Oh, I am here for this.
Also, whoever thought it would be a good idea to try and make us believe she and RPatz were a real romantic couple. Because no. There can be only Mallory.
SO INTO how much more comfortable K Stew looks as a dirtbag than as a Pretty Girl. I LOVE IT.
I should buy a black Adidas tracksuit.
I realize this is meant to be a Kristen Stewart Worship Post, and I’m comfortable with that, but I just need to throw this out there: I’ve had a crush on Jenny Lewis for a solid decade. I’m married and mostly straight, but I will never not be a little bit in love with Jenny Lewis. For more information, see her album with The Watson Twins and Rilo Kiley’s The Execution of All Things, plus her role in freaking TROOP BEVERLY HILLS.
Is no one else going to comment on Anne Hathaway’s MALE TEARS?!?
Glorious. The way they delicately stream into her perfectly-combed facial hair. This is better than her turn in Les Mis.
I adore her.
also, rat tail
I feel about Anne Hathaway the way you feel about KStew. For real.
Yeah, that haircut on Anne Hathaway is really working for her. And me.
*clapping* well said well said. THANK YOU FINALLY!
Beats being a Mormon rag doll who is infatuated with sparkly vampires and determined to have a child that could suck the life out of her at birth because Robert Pattinson. Hello?! I mean really — what self-respecting woman would fall in love with a sparkly vampire and let him impregnate her? I don’t care how much wildlife he consumes, he’s a freaking VAMPIRE!
dude you gotta let it go the movies are over
Kinda off topic a little, but did you guys see this last week? I laughed so hard that I wished we were all sitting in a room together watching it, eating fancy tea sandwiches and growing out our leg hair:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZuvOzN1yOQ
NOT OFF TOPIC IM SO HAPPYYYYYYYYY
Has Mallory ever written about The Runaways? Because I would really like to read that business.
Yes please!!!
Am experiencing a very strong case of the be/fuck dilemma with Anne Hathaway here. Do I more want to BE her or be WITH her? BECAUSE EVERYTHING IN THIS VIDEO IS PERFECT BRB APPLYING MORE EYELINER.
I decided I want to be friends with Anne Hathaway, and fuck/love Kristen Stewart forever.
Okay I find this video super charming and adorable, but also like…#whitefeminism…
Seconded.
Life just got so much better.
Also KStew looks happiest in drag.
I have an entire tag on my personal tumblr of Kristen Stewart photos, filed under “I wish I knew how to quit you.”
This just made me laugh and broke my heart all at once
I WISH I KNEW. HOW TO QUIT. ALL OF THIS.
You are funny. I like you.
MALLORY. MALLORY. YES.
That paragraph about KStew leaning against walls and kissing women made me have to stare into the middle distance for a bit. It was that good.
I love you yeah you the author of this amazing article. You’re the best. x
this is the greatest article ever… just saying
Reading the comments here is so much better than the comments being thrown around the youtube! I’m gonna watch this video here from now on! Happy days!
None for Brie Larson? Whatever, MOAR FOR ME. She was PERFECT in Short Term 12.
However, as an ex-KStew fangirl fanclub president (mostly during her Runaways-era) over at one dark, tiny corner of the internet once upon a time ago, I GET this post. (even if my love has dwindled~)
Some for me too! I worship at the church of Brie Larson. She’s awesome in United States of Tara too.
Honey, you-ooo
Make me fee-eel
Like you care a lot
But I-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi,
I love KStew too much
everyone who hates kristen stewart is just one less body i will have to step over in the war for her heart. that being said, i will never watch this video. it is the box in castaway. if i open it, then there is nothing left to live for.
Some blessed souls have already made gifs of the important parts of this video
Until this day I never knew what I wanted in a man, it turns out I want Kristen Stewart in drag.
Oh please please please can anyone tell me what she pulls out of her pants at 2:40? FOR THE LOVE OF KSTEW I MUST KNOW!
Socks?
Looked like a rolled up sock.
Kristen Stewart looks like she’s having the most fun she’s ever had.
thanks is really and awesome feeling when i watch the video