The Judgement of Paris, as I assume you are aware, is one of the most popular and also the best themes in classical European painting, because it’s based on a legend where three supremely powerful goddesses asked a worthless male mortal to rank them in order of attractiveness in order to win a sculpture of a fruit. Which says so much in such a short amount of time about ancient Greek sexual politics, I think; Yes definitely the Queen of Heaven wants to know if some Trojan shepherd thinks she’s still hot.
(An aside: the correct thing to do when three murder-eyed, placid-lipped, notoriously temperamental immortals show up on your doorstep in the nude and ask you to rank them in order of beauty is to BEG OFF. “You’re all so lovely! I couldn’t possibly decide! Who am I, a mere mortal, to declare all three of you anything less than perfect? You’ll notice I sacrificed three flawless bulls to all of you this morning, please do not decimate my flocks or level my city, goodbye, worship you tomorrow.” NOT: “Sure, okay. Turn around, let me get the full picture.”)
Anyhow, it’s a great story, and pretty much every dude born between the years 1100 and 1850 with an ounce of sprezzatura and a brush tried his hand at painting it at least once. Recurring motifs include: Aphrodite’s son Eros hanging about her feet, sometimes shooting arrows; Hera’s companion the peacock; Athena’s war helmet; a smirking Hermes; ostentatious hats. Expect to see Hera turning away from the viewer and starting to put her robe back on in about a third of them, because Hera tires of losing quickly. Aphrodite will be naked 1000% of the time — occasionally she will have a useless gossamer string around her hips — and about a 50/50 chance of Hera and Athena being naked too.
hi
hi hi hi
hi we noticed you had an apple there
why don’t you just give it to whichever one of us you think is the prettiest
no consequences or anything
just pick one
you wont get mad or anything
haha oh my god
mad about what?
like if i choose one of you
which you have to!!
yeah you have to do that
the other two wont get mad at me
no not at all
its totally objective
no repercussions at all
of any kind
so theres no catch
haha
you keep asking us
so many questions
like about your personal safety
instead of just telling us which one of us is the prettiest once and for all
oh wow interesting choice
her hat has only one feather on it while other peoples hats have like five or six feathers
some people might say thats a little hasty, that maybe you didnt really get a good look at all the hats
but not me
i kind of cant move
well you dont need to move
you just need to pick
well let you get up after you pick
Okay, I don’t want to pass value judgments on other cultures, and also all beauty standards are oppressive, probably, but this particular beauty ideal is MESSED UP. “What makes a woman beautiful? A hat, a necklace, a horrifying smirk, and a neck that can bend 140 degrees.”
just let me hold it ok
ill give it right back
oh look at that
your picking
youre making your pick
what a good idea!!!
you still have a minute to change your mind though
yeah if you want to change your mind you could still do that
oh wow look at that
im holding the golden apple of beauty
which i guess technically
and also officially
and also in every other sense
makes me the most beautiful
ahahaha
not so fast
oh fuck this im getting dressed
oh sorry are we starting
did you pick someone already
hang on im fixing my shoe
i dont even notice how beautiful i am
which i guess is sort of attractive in its own awy, how much i dont even notice, im just carelessly but beautifully (i guess, i wouldnt know) fixing my shoe
are you mad
what?
you look mad
why would i look mad
i dont know your face just looks mad
no
this isnt what my mad face looks like
ok good
youll know my mad face when you see it
ahhh sorry ahaha this is so unexpected
i cant even believe it
my whole dress fell off is how surprising this is
you said no consequences right
what?
you said i could just pick and then youd go home and it would be over
sorry i cant hear you with this helmet on
with this war helmet on
Tags: artwork, beauty, paris don’t do it you fool
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Mallory, you are a thing of beauty and a joy forever.
Careful, now Nicole will start a major international war.
(knits her username into a scarf)
A blind-folded archer cherub! Now there’s a wonderful accessory in busy airports. The unblindfolded cherubs make great bath accessories and towel dispensers; though on second thought, perhaps it would be better to blindfold them.
Where can I get these?
No hots for the boneless women, though? Bones just get in the way, don’t you think?
Paris clearly didn’t have the hots for any of them. That’s not a very concealing drape he’s got going on there, and I think we’d know.
Maybe not, based on all those Greek statues. Unless they were all growers.
This is perfect. Also, in the “I’m holding the golden apple of beauty” one … is that brooch pinned to her skin? Just pinned between her boobs? Or was double-sided tape an earlier invention than I ever knew?
it is being held up by her divine powers. when you are goddess, you can do thinks like that.
That’s obviously why Paris gave her the apple. Pinning a brooch directly into her sternum proves that while all three are beautiful, Aphrodite clearly wants the win more. This, of course, means she’s the goddess you’d least like to piss off over this stupid apple.
I don’t know, it clearly shows that Aphrodite had the highest level of masochism at least.
This all shows Paris was a total dumbwad, as why would you piss off the goddess of wisdom (and war)?
I just scrolled up like “what is it thebellewitch is talking about, I didn’t notice any OH JESUS WHOA NO”
so to sum up, yes, that looks like it’s pinned to her cleavage.
Clearly the brooch is a device the artist used to make the viewer wall-eyed.
I was also QUITE CONCERNED about that.
I should not have tried to read this while eating a banana. “A hat, a necklace, a horrifying smirk, and a neck that can bend 140 degrees” is where I nearly died, for the record.
“You don’t know you’re beautiful. That’s what makes you beautiful.” – 1D
When I first heard that song I thought it was “You look like you could beat me up, that’s what makes you beautiful.” And I still like my version better.
Yesterday my husband and I had a conversation in which he improved 1000-fold upon the works of John Legend, Bruno Mars, and One Direction:
The Fella: You’re beautiful.
me, around a mouthful of ham and bread: I’m full of ham sandwich is what I am.
The Fella: That’s what makes you beautiful.
Damn straight. I built my beautiful body out of food, including this delicious ham that my long-time vegetarian husband bought because he thought I’d enjoy it. Let’s hear the love song about that.
ahhh sorry ahaha this is so unexpected
i cant even believe it
my whole dress fell off is how surprising this is
*snort*
The arm waving in that one, too. The “seriously, are you for real, shut up” semaphore.
But Paris didn’t even pick which one was prettiest, he picked the one that promised to get him laid.
They’re not the same thing?
…get him laid by someone else.
Aphrodite is a very successful ladypimp.
In a competition started by her boyfriend’s daughters. The game was rigged.
Again, “ancient Greek sexual politics.” Pure Aesthetic Value is only for men.
I was honestly surprised that Aphrodite was the best at bribes in that story. Aphrodite does not seem to be the best at anything. Not even the best at adultery, which you’d think would be more her jam.
It’s difficult when your husband is like really really good at making nets.
I love the Aphrodite-Ares-Hephistos drama so so much.
I don’t know man, I’m not sure it is the best bribe since it does ultimately get Paris and his entire family killed and his homeland destroyed and his city crushed into the dirt.
It does win her the contest, though, so I guess strictly speaking it is the best.
And her baby gets to found an empire. Everything came up Aphrodite.
Ugh, I hate hate hate that Paris was the one who killed Achilles, he is the worst.
There’s that great scene where he comes running out in his shining armor like “I’m totally ready to fight now!” and Hector basically just says “you asshole.”
Heh heh heh. I do love that nobody in all of Troy likes him.
NOT EVEN HELEN. She’s all ‘Hey Hector heeeyyyy, did you know I made a huge mistake? The hugest??”
I would totally read a book that gives poor Helen’s PoV on all this. I bet the Trojans were not nice to her at all.
Margaret George wrote one (entitled, creatively – ‘Helen of Troy’). I found it to be underwhelming.
I was imagining a Red Tent-style feminist classic about the curse of the male gaze and the illusion that beauty is power for women. Isn’t she Leda’s daughter and Clytemnestra’s sister? The women in her family got fucked over by the patriarchy even more than usual.
Yeah they did.
Clytemnestra! [emoji with heart eyes]
Yeah but Achilles is the Paris of the Acheans so it seems apropos to me (god I hate Achilles).
Well, Hector forever, obviously.
Yes. Hector > everyone else who doesn’t even wanna BE there > Menelaus > Agamemnon > > > > > > Paris
My dog is named Hector. Occasionally I ask him who the best tamer of horses is. Is it him? Is it? Huh?
THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY
My folks have a cat named Achilles (cause he has a spot on one ankle), and I like to coo “πόδας ὠκύς Ἀχιλλεύς” at him. (Although he’s slowed down a bit in his old age. Best cat.)
I like this comment for both its Classic nerdery and your username, which I can only hope is a roller derby name after my favorite Hardy character.
DING DING DING!! Isn’t she the greatest?
Classic nerdery is my jam. I’ve got the first three words of the Iliad in Greek tattooed on my lower back. 😀
I was her only defender in our Hardy seminar. “If all you wanted to do was go to Paris and your mealy-mouthed husband made you stay in the heath, you might be a miserable bitch, too!”
I took a year of Greek, but I was more of a Latinist. Sometimes I impress (annoy?) people by reciting the Aeneid.
It’s probably uncool to love Hardy, but I do, I do. His poor women.
I went to St. John’s College, where everybody had two years of ancient Greek–used to be able to rattle off the first ten lines of the Iliad, but I think I’m down to five. 🙁
No, Achilles is the worst, he dragged Hector’s dead body around Troy for days, and Hector is the best. Paris is a pretty idiot but he isn’t cruel.
#Iliadfandomwars
BEST TAG.
I cannot fully express my joy at finding other Hector fangirls* in the world. CREED ARMS INTO A SEA OF MY PEOPLE
*N.B. Intended as gender-neutral term, heartfelt apologies to male/non-binary folk.
Personally, I think it’s only fair to sometimes use feminine as the default, just to make a point. I had a priest who would alternate between calling God “Him” and “Her” in his sermons. It was awesome.
I have a whole spiel about how fanboys and fangirls are different independent of gender: that the former are interested in detail, while the latter care more about character.
Also that fourth painting down Paris kind of looks like a weiner. He looks like a parish priest in early 19th century lit. I even prefer the vaguely fratdouchey number 10(11? when you save it it says 11) to that one.
Stay tuned for my upcoming university press book, “Male Art History Subject Depictions in Order of Likability”.
I would totally read that book!
straight up, my mom and I wandered round all the galleries in Florence ranking the dudes by hotness and women by whether we’d wear that while my dad read the tedious labels on every damn thing.
“Paris don’t do it you fool” is the moral of everything he ever does, so.
“I think maybe you’re the prettiest…oh nope sorry, haha, still thinking. Maybe it’s you. Well no, now you got grabby. You’re too eager, it’s kind of a turn off. Could you take off your helmet, maybe put your hair down? Relax a little? Yeah. Nice. That’s nice. Why do you look so pissed off?”
HOW DID HE NOT DIE IN FLAMES
But he died when his first wife (whom he ditched for Helen) refused to heal him from his wounds from his battle with Philoctetes, so that’s some poetic justice right there.
I love Oenone.
I know, right? That’s so much more fierce than, “*sigh* Welp, nothing to do but put on my pretty dress, die, and float down the river! THAT will show him!”
I DON’T FUCKING CARE IF YOU LIKE IT: A Retelling of the Judgement of Paris (Starring Amy Poehler, obvs)
And the punchline is the goddesses laughing scornfully and denouncing his presumption: “jk we don’t give a fuck who you think is prettiest, puny human” and then Paris is winked out of existence THE END.
Or finds himself with the head of an ass? I mean, I would be ok with that.
This is the problem with modern Goddesses. They expect us to believe there is such a thing as judgment-of-divine-beauty without consequences. Proxy-war between deities is still around! It didn’t end because we now have modern golden apples.
I wanna rewrite this story where there’s just a beginning scene where the goddesses are like, “Hey, I’m bored, let’s go fuck with some human men today because they’re complete idiots.”
this isnt what my mad face looks like
ok good
youll know my mad face when you see it
—
I don’t have resting bitch* face personally, but if I did
if I did, I’d be keeping that last line forever.
*Is there an alternative to this that is not bitch? I’ve not come across one but would happily accept donations
There’s so many good words in the thesaurus for “angry”, it seems like there’d be so many options that would occur to any viewer before b*tch. Now that the phrase is so well-known, I think you can swap in most things and have people recognize it. Especially if you capitalize it.
Resting Grump Face
Resting Mean Face
Resting Crankypants Face
Hmm… “Resting Pissed Face”? Grump also does it for me!
Resting Uggghhh Face (this one’s all in the delivery)
“Resting Judgey Face”
I tend to say Resting Jerk Face.
Resting ‘surely you jest face’?
sorry i cant hear you with this helmet on
with this war helmet on
Literally my favorite ending of anything ever.
Athena’s was all “I ain’t even mad – I’ve got this whole stable of Achaean pets I’d just LOVE to put through their paces so yeah Prince of Troy. You do you.”
2 HOURS EARLIER:
“You’re all so lovely! I couldn’t possibly decide!”
With Hermes (?) in the back, all “nooooooooooo don’t do it you fool!”
Naked with just jewelry on: HOT
Naked with just giant clunky sandals on: NOT
there’s some objective beauty standards for everybody, free of charge.
and come on now, you can’t really not think horrifying smirks are beautiful, can you? that is why Northern Renaissance art is the best, the little pot bellies, the hats and the smirks.
Are the sheep and rams part of some talent competition? Or was the contest part of the barnyard chic craze so popular among goddesses at the time?
The nudity. If I were a goddess, I wouldn’t walk around naked. I would have the biggest and most ridiculous gowns ever. My gowns would have sub-gowns. And I sure as fuck would not be asking Paris to Tim Gunn on any of them.
To be fair, they asked Zeus first, but Zeus knew better than to touch that question with a ten foot pole (especially since the contestants included his wife, and his war-goddess daughter). Needless to say, I’m disappointed that none of the pictures feature Zeus, thunderbolts in hand, sneaking away grateful that he pawned that problem off on some mortal sucker.
“I couldn’t even begin to make that decision, sweetie. Why don’t you go ask that nice young shepherd down there? He looks like a discerning sort of fellow with an excellent sense of the aesthetic.”
In the ninth picture, is Aphrodite’s bodice (or whatever) just pinned to her skin? Because that’s what it looks like.
Paris being naked in some of these just makes it even creepier.
and none of us have pubes
It’s indicative of my values in life that the very first thing I noticed (and rejoiced over) is that Mallory spells “judgement” like I (and Albert Campion) do. <3
The facial expressions in the third one are PRICELESS:
“Come on! What’s the hold-up? Just pick one of us already!”
*massive side-eye*
“Yo. Painter. Are you staring at my ass? ARE YOU?!”
(Paris, meanwhile, is regretting getting out of bed this morning.)
So the old dude wearing peacock feathers in #6 is presumably Argos; does that mean the old dude wearing ??? in #3 and #5 is, too?
For real though, why does Aphrodite insist on dragging her baby son to Immortal Hour at the Trojan Gentlemen’s Club? He’s present in, like, 90% of those depictions. Do you really think Eros needs memories of his mom doing a striptease for some shitty mortal dude?
Look, the kid’s gotta learn sometime.
It’s nice to know that in order to see a reflection of my body in pop culture I just have to go back 300-500 years.
I know, loving this world of small tits and soft tummies!
Dirtbag!Aphrodite: “You can have the most beautiful girl in the whole world. The entire world. The most beautiful one. You can have her.” *PS she’s married already but who cares I mean really. (Helen doesn’t have a husband. Here. In Greece. She doesn’t have a Greek husband.)
Can we get a beauty contest going between the various Treaties of Paris?
I mean, just look at these things. You know they have smirks and hats: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Treaty_of_Paris_(dis…
I never got that. I still don’t, despite being dedicated to Aphrodite in my own quasi-flaky Pagan way. Okay, you can have the hottest girl in the world…or you can have a fuckton of power, which in a patriarchal society means you can have quite a number of fairly hot girls. (And I assume if you get really wise either you’re wise enough to get all the power or you’re really good with pickup lines.) I mean, no, you’re not getting *the hottest*, but…five nines are more than ten, you get my drift?
I tried to logic this out, myself. Hera’s all like, you can be the King of Europe and Asia. Two continents, all you, buddy. King of Everything. And Athena’s all like, you can win at everything ever; you will not fail in battle and you will be wiser than everyone else. Your life is basically one long chant of “WINNING!”. And both of those should get you laid. But no, we go with Aphrodite, who promises you -the- most beautiful girl in the world. And I’m left wondering if he’s really as dumb a shepherd as any… or if he sat there and went, “Fuck no do I not want to run two goddamn continents, and how fucking lonely it must be to win everything ever and know it all always. At least getting laid never gets old.” Probably didn’t think the repercussions through, though…
I always figured Hera was the obvious choice, both diplomatically and in bribe money.
But the goddess of gettin’ laid will fucking hate you, so while normally you’d have like eleven girlfriends, a pissed goddess of schtupping will be cockblocking you forever.
Thank you for this!! I laughed & cried & marvelled.
“I’m no good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of three little goddesses don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you’ll understand that. For now, just remember — we’ll always have Paris.”
These modern painters with their tits and ass. Athena was NEVER portrayed naked in ancient Greece.
There’s a cautionary story told about a coven, somewhere (possibly California in the 70s, because when else) that had been expanding a bit on their Drawing Down the Moon rite. They had branched out into actual named goddesses and had been having nice little chats with Demeter and Aphrodite and so on. So they decided to go for Athena. They were all skyclad, because that’s how Gardnerian covens roll.
The high priestess performed the rite and sat in the middle of the circle with the coven around her, with her eyes closed. Suddenly her eyes POP open, and she screams, in a voice of pure outrage:
“WHY AM I NAKED?!”
She then spends the next fifteen minutes screaming at them for being shameless, impious idiots who have nothing better to do than loll around with no clothes on and can’t even be bothered to sacrifice a white bull when a goddess goes to all the trouble to show up. Then as they all stare at her, petrified, the high priestess shakes her head and said “What happened? Why are you all staring at me?”
The coven broke up approximately a week later.
“I bet you don’t even kill men who see you naked, either.”
This story! <3
My god, this is amazing, I must send it to all my Gardnerian friends.
What is with Lucas Cranach the Elder (pictures #3, #5 & #6) depicting Paris in Medieval Armour? Dude, it’s the Renaissance, this is a classical subject! Your boy’s in the wrong painting!
I have a whole spiel about how fanboys and fangirls are different independent of gender: that the former are interested in detail, while the latter care more about character.
As amusing as the paintings with Paris dressed well out of period are, what I really can’t figure out is how Brian Blessed ended up in #5 and #6. And more importantly, WHY he showed up.
Hail Eris!