Affirmations

by Mallory Ortberg · July 30, 2014

inspire1

inspire2

inspire3

inspire5

inspire6

inspire7

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


65 Comments

  1. ejbaker13 +34

    I would like #2 woven into a tapestry-style blanket, please, that I might wrap myself up in it.

    4. Lily_Rowan +9

      On the post earlier, I was going to say I was never a dirtbag, but big hair, no heart resonates so much, I must have been, huh?

        1. MrLadyBusiness +6

          Read those last two sentences back to yourself and see if you can find the answer therein.

  5. kilks401 +7

    the second to last one is the one that keeps me up at night, but I still love these.

  6. Kari +22

    Pretty sure going outside makes MORE problems. I will stay inside where there are no bugs and also there is air conditioning.

  8. NotThatAmy +86

    Will be posting these on the walls of my [currently] imaginary “Yoga for Jerks” yoga studio.

    1. Nimona +25

      I would like to join your imaginary yoga studio. I feel like an asshole rolling my eyes during regular yoga.

      1. catfoodhairnets +45

        I have long dreamed of opening a no-bullshit yoga studio. Breathing, stretching, relaxation yes! Chakras, energy, distracting physiological inaccuracies no. These would belong there. After Yoga for Jerks, i will also incorporate “Namaste, bitches/motherfucker!” to the end of every class.

  9. jennifermelchert +66

    Yessssssss, these are all wonderful and speak to me. My favorite actual affirmation fits with these (if you can’t get excited about things that will end poorly, maybe life is not for you).

  10. bluewindgirl +7

    Number 3 is actually legitimately affirming though! And number 4 is just sound life advice.

  13. PonyAlong +5

    No, no, no, no, NOOO! But yet, because truth hurts, yes. Sigh. One “if going outside…” to go, please.

    For the record, Mother Nature loves it when you go outside to solve problems or that’s what she tells me, anyway. NOW I’M CONFLICTED.

  14. angryporcupine +13

    THE FIRST ONE THE FIRST ONE I need to print it out and tape it on my forehead to wear during interactions with certain male coworkers.

  16. Amy_Lou +25

    I wonder if I pinned these, would anyone actually notice the message or would just repin because pretty…

    1. aravisthequeen +18

      If Pinterest has taught me anything, definitely the latter. Nobody reads.

        1. heynightingale +6

          I once asked someone that if she didn’t feel it, just tell me and be kind about it.

          She must’ve been experiencing temporary deafness at the time or was distracted by bees.

      2. MaxMarvel +4

        True. It’s in the category of harsh life realizations like the rest of them, though – no matter how gently and carefully you put it, “I don’t want you for my employee/partner/friend/whatever” is a message that cannot be conveyed without a good chance of hurting somebody’s feelings.

    1. deleted2997279 +7

      Particularly “all your hard work may lead to nothing” tell me about it

  19. Fluffernutter +62

    Mallory, I hope the “Special Skills” section of your CV includes: “Ability to look deep into your heart and, with surgical precision, pluck out and reveal your deepest fears.”

    You have left me utterly deflated for the remainder of the day.

  20. perianwen +11

    Next time someone posts one of those icky, sickly-sweet affirmations on FB I should just link them here.

  21. blushingflower +15

    “If going outside solves your problem, was it really a problem?”
    If the problem solved is an impending migraine, then yes, yes it was.

  22. Unreadaethel +21

    The last two genuinely buoy my spirits, actually. Because there’s always a chance that I’ll fail, or that something terrible will happen; if I always expect my effort and emotional investment to relate directly to the outcome, I’m much more stressed. So hey, all my hard work might not pay off! But really, I can’t control that, so I might as well just do like I do and accept that we might all die tomorrow.

    For my next trick, I will explain how the book of Ecclesiastes is an under-appreciated affirmation tool.

    1. sorrycassandra +8

      YES.

      Because if everything is vanity (vanity of vanities!), then that is my excuse to SLOW THE FUCK DOWN and not beat myself up so badly.

      1. Unreadaethel +10

        On a related note, I never understood why nihilism was supposed to provoke a feeling of endless despair.

        “Everything is meaningless!”

        “Yes, ok, and…?”

        Maybe it comes from years of depression, idk. I’m entirely accustomed to feeling that everything is meaningless, and that I am but a small speck of dust in an infinite cosmos, and once I die, I will be forgotten by an uncaring universe; but also that it’s nice to go to work and have friends and work in the yard.

        1. Toft +13

          “The living know that they will die, but the dead know nothing; they have no more reward, and even the memory of them is lost. Their love and their hate and their envy have already perished; never again will they have any share in what happens under the sun.

          Go, eat your bread with enjoyment, and drink your wine with a merry heart; for God has long ago approved what you do. Kiss everyone. Feel nothing. Big hair, no heart.”

          -Ecclesiastes, mostly

    2. Bryn (Plus Others) +6

      Yes! I can’t control the end result, so if I am just working to get that, then there is no point, sometimes it is going to be awful. So I had better be working for some other reason or there will be misery.

  23. estellefirefly +3

    So I want to print all these out for my office’s “joke” wall. or maybe just my personal bulletin board. especially the big hair, no heart one. Maybe it will discourage coworkers from asking me for help.

  24. orchestrali +4

    Some of these sound like what T-rex said in his book Happy Dog the Happy Dog. “Not all dreams can come true.”

    But also I just read a beautiful paraphrase of the first one: “the fervor of a desire is irrelevant to its justice.”

  25. ipomoea +4

    Really sad I can’t use these as my work desktop background. Stupid public libraries.

  28. Myrtle +5

    My sole disappointment with these is that there is no credit to the-toast.net in the margin of each.

  29. rebeccacsjanzen +2

    pls make them so I can decorate my office. I teach at a christian slac. I need some harsh reality to counteract the terrible distortions of christianity my students receive.

  30. Rebecca J

    pls make them so I can decorate my office. I teach at a christian slac. I need some harsh reality to counteract the terrible distortions of christianity my students receive.

  32. Fair_Amoret +4

    When I first loaded this, the banner ad at the bottom had a cheerful picture of a lizard with the caption “geckos make great pets.” Which kind of felt like its own affirmation. Tailored to, you know, gecko owners.

    Back on topic: MOAR PLZ.

  33. MsNormaDesmond +3

    I want to sprinkle these all over Pinterest and watch them spread like wildfire among the millions of idiots who don’t bother to read the words.