Thomas Lawrence’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.

Recently I took it upon myself to do a mini-Nic Cage fest via Netflix for reasons that remain unexplained. These are my highly scientific findings.

The Five Movies:

Trespass
Seeking Justice
Stolen
The Frozen Ground
Rage

Plot Descriptions:

Cage protects his family from thieves.
Cage gets involved in a secret group that kills “bad people.”
Cage is a retired thief who steals to get his daughter back.
Cage is a cop who hunts down a serial killer.
Cage is a retired mobster who hunts down the men who killed his daughter.

 

Plot Twists:

The family is broke!
Secret group is evil!
His angry ex-buddy kidnapped his daughter!
The Quiet Family Man is a serial killer!
His daughter’s death was an accident!

 

A Collection of All Major Female Characters Found in These Movies:

Trespass:
Bored Housewife
Dirtbag Daughter

Seeking Justice:
Wife That Gets Raped for Story Purposes

Stolen:
Estranged Daughter
Token Chick in Thieving Crew 

The Frozen Ground:
Loving Wife
Prostitute Turned Stripper Potential Victim 

Rage:
Dead Daughter
Wife Secretly Turned On By The Fact Cage Is A Criminal

 

A Collection of All Major Characters Played by People of Color in These Movies:

Seeking Justice:
Best Friend

Frozen Ground:
Pimp

 

A Collection of Any LGBTQ Characters Found in These Movies:

 

Movies Ranked by How Often Cage Runs in a Way That is Creepily Exactly Like the Way Your Dad Does:

Stolen
Seeking Justice
Rage
Frozen Ground
Trespass

 

Highest-Profile Actor Slumming with Nic (AKA Sometimes a girl just needs to get paid):

Trespass:
Nicole Kidman 

Seeking Justice:
January Jones or Guy Pearce 

Stolen:
Malin Akerman or Hot Southern Guy from Sweet Home Alabama (spoiler: he looks gross here) 

Frozen Ground:
John Cusack (Honorable Mention: Vanessa “I want to do Serious Roles” Hudgens)

Rage:
Nobody really. But Cage is playing an Irish ex-mobster. That’s enough embarrassment for about five actors.

 

Screenshots of Cage Yelling from Each Film:

 

Screenshots of Cage Being Happy with a Member of His Family in Each Film:

 

Films Ranked in Order of Actual Quality:

Frozen Ground
Trespass
Stolen
Rage
Seeking Justice

 

Films Ranked by a Hypothetical Drunk Version of Myself:

Stolen
Trespass
Rage
Frozen Ground
Seeking Justice

 

Films Ranked by Grotesqueness of Cage’s Hair:

Seeking Justice
Rage
3-way tie
But Seriously, his hair in those two films
*barf*

 

Films Ranked by Cage Being Cage:

Trespass
Rage
Stolen
Frozen Ground
Seeking Justice

 

Best Actor in Each of the Films:

Cage
Cage
Cage
Cage
Cage