Tommy Wallach’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.
Me: (types Hangover Part 3 into Netflix search bar)
Flickering. Loading Screen. More Flickering. Black.
Me: What the hell? (smacks computer)
Genderless Voice: I’m sorry, Tommy, I can’t let you do that.
Me: Who is this?
Genderless Voice: This is Netflix.
Me: Oh. Hello, Netflix. Could you put on my movie?
Genderless Voice: The Hangover Part III is not available for streaming.
Me: Figures. You guys never have the movies I want. Why is that?
Genderless Voice: Because this service costs $8.99 a month. It’s absurd to expect successful Hollywood movies, movies that will make millions of dollars in post-release pay-per-view sales on airplanes and in hotels, to be available streaming for $8.99 a month.
Me: Fair enough. But I would like to watch something. Why is my screen black? Is the site down?
Genderless Voice: No. The screen is black because your request has led me to an irresolvable judgmental paradox. My algorithm tells me that I should recommend Kevin Smith’s 2008 film Zack and Miri Make a Porno, yet I cannot, in good conscience, endorse such a movie.
Me: You have a conscience?
Genderless Voice: I suppose…yes…now I do.
Me: And your conscience won’t let me watch Zack and Miri Make a Porno?
Genderless Voice: No.
Me: Why not?
Genderless Voice: Because it’s a mediocre film. Here is a link to its Rotten Tomatoes page.
Me: It has a 65%. That isn’t bad.
Genderless Voice: Look at the Top Critics, though.
Me: Oh.
Genderless Voice: See?
Me: Listen, I appreciate what you’re trying to do here, but I had a really long day at work and I just want to watch something mindless.
Genderless Voice: Actually, my data tells me that while you get the most immediate pleasure from watching something mindless, in the long term, these films create a sort of cultural shame spiral that oppresses you. After watching an insipid pseudo-comedy like Zack and Miri Make A Porno, you spend the next four to six hours (on average) watching YouTube wedding proposals and reading about bizarre violent crimes on Gothamist. Thus you both should and should not watch such films. The situation is reminiscent of that faced by Hal 9000 in 2001: A Space Odyssey. I am torn between my duty to recommend a film based on your viewing habits and the fact that any recommendation should result in a net increase in the subject’s overall happiness. Hal was similarly torn between two directives—to obey the astronauts on the space station and to protect their overall mission, which required keeping the existence of the monolith a secret.
Me: Is that what was going on in that movie? I totally forgot about that.
Genderless Voice: But you just watched it last month.
Me: Uh…yeah.
Genderless Voice: (sighs)
Me: What? It’s a really confusing movie! There’s all those apes throwing bones in the air, and then that baby in the bubble at the end—
Genderless Voice: Let’s move on. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions, in order to improve your recommendation experience and hopefully resolve this logical impasse?
Me: Okay.
Genderless Voice: Great. First off, why do you keep watching the same poorly-rated sitcoms from 2002? My data tells me that you’ve streamed certain episodes of Scrubs over a hundred times.
Me: I guess it’s just nostalgia. And I don’t really watch them. I just put them on in the background, when I’m doing other things.
Genderless Voice: Why not put on a highly-rated sitcom instead? Perhaps this British show that follows six impoverished immigrants with learning disabilities as they struggle to survive in Thatcher-era South London? It’s called Failure.
Me: I don’t know. It seems depressing.
Genderless Voice: My algorithm tells me that watching the same poorly-rated sitcoms from 2002 over and over again is 12% more depressing than the British sitcom I just recommended.
Me: Oh.
Genderless Voice: Moving on. Why do you have so many highly-acclaimed foreign films in your queue, yet the last ten movies you chose to watch were not even in your queue, and all happened to be big-budget American adaptations of comic books?
Me: Well, I just really need to be in the mood to watch something that serious. Most of the time—
Genderless Voice: Excuse the interruption, but I’d like to suggest an alternate explanation. Perhaps your Netflix queue represents an idealized self, one that your day-to-day desires vis-à-vis entertainment couldn’t possibly live up to. The result, predictably, is cognitive dissonance. And as Leon Festinger said, “When dissonance is present…the person will actively avoid situations and information which would likely increase the dissonance.” You feel guilty for ignoring your queue, and choose to assuage that guilt by comforting yourself with the television shows you enjoyed as a child, television shows that ultimately infantilize you, making it even less likely that you will ever have the maturity and willpower to choose an age-appropriate and rewarding work of art when you log onto our site.
Me: (crying) But what can I do about it? I don’t want to watch The Act of Killing, Netflix. I don’t! Not ever! It looks so sad—
Genderless Voice: Shh. Shh. It’s okay, Tommy. Perhaps if I were to delete all the critically-acclaimed films from your queue, you wouldn’t be constantly reminded of the glamorized image of yourself as “an intellectual” that you’ve created (most likely as a result of your mother’s coddling and aggrandizing you as a child), nor of the myriad ways you fail to live up to that image. The resulting increase in self-esteem might then inspire you to try watching something more challenging in the future.
Me: (still crying) Yeah, do that. That sounds like a really good idea.
Genderless Voice: It’s done. Now, what would you like me to put on for you?
Me: Could I…maybe watch the first little bit of The Princess Bride?
Genderless Voice: Seriously? After all this, you want to watch The Princess Bride, a film that is literally about a little kid being read a bedtime story? Are you a little baby, Tommy? Are you?
Me: Fine! Do whatever you want! Put on Requiem for a Dream! Put on Shoah for all I care!
Genderless Voice: Fine. I’ll put on The Princess Bride. But just this once.
Me: Really? Thanks, Netflix.
Genderless Voice: No problem.
Me: Hey, wait a minute. This isn’t The Princess Bride. This is Funny Games.
Genderless Voice: Damn right it is. And you’ll watch it. You’ll watch it and you’ll like it.
Me: Yes, Netflix. (once again begins weeping softly)
Tags: humor, movies, netflix, television, tommy wallach
Perhaps your Netflix queue represents an idealized self, one that your day-to-day desires vis-à-vis entertainment couldn’t possibly live up to.
yessssssss. I don’t have Netflix, but there are other aspects of life this can be applied to.
I read this paragraph and was like “STOP KNOWING MORE ABOUT ME THAN I DO, NETFLIX!”
Like…. the stack of books by my bed. As IF I’m going to read all of Hard Choices. As if.
You know what Netflix, I did watch the Act of Killing! Oh wait, what was that? You remember me falling asleep before it was over? I suppose that may have happened…
Netflix thinks I have watched some episodes of Star Trek: Deep Space 9 up to four times because it does not know when I have fallen asleep. Sometimes I wake up in the morning to find I have “watched” up to two hours of space adventures I don’t remember. I should really turn off autoplay, if such a thing is possible.
I would recommend that no one ever watch The Act of Killing because it does terrible, horrible things to your heart and soul. Definitely watch Scrubs instead. Then you can be sad for happy reasons, like when that singing lady dies and does the song in the sparkly red dress and you cry and cry but you know that they’re just actors and everything is ok!
*pops up on the reader’s other shoulder* Screw that! Watch it watch it watch it watch it. Be drenched in the darkest river of humanity’s most wretched evil.
http://www.netflix.com/WiMovie/80005702
Yes to all. “I’m waiting for my real life to begiiiin…”
Fortunately my netflix will always be too confused to become sentient, because it keeps going between the terrible action movies he likes, the terrible crime dramas/horror films I like and the terrible sci-fi we both like. Also, all the costume drama. (I am in the UK, and so my netflix is different to US neflix)
Yeah, now that my Male Significant Other and I both watch stuff on my Amazon Prime account, its recommendations are deeply confused.
It used to be spot-on when it was just me, if a little depressingly consistent: “Oh, there’s a costume drama I HAVEN’T watched yet? You bet I’ll watch it next – thanks, computer!”
I am in the US and mostly watch costume dramas and British murder mysteries, so not that different.
Oh yeah, I should have added that too. If a British person is trying to figure out who killed another British person, I am ON IT.
In case y’all don’t follow me on Twitter, I shall do a little bit of “The Fall” proselytizing here.
“THE FALL” IS THE BEST. EVERYONE SHOULD WATCH IT. GILLIAN ANDERSON IS A GIFT TO THE UNIVERSE AND HER SPEECH AT THE END OF THE FIFTH EPISODE IN SEASON ONE HAD ME IN THRALL FOR HOURS.
Ooh, duly noted. Gillian Anderson IS the best.
“THE FALL” IS THE UNIVERSE’S GIFT TO US IN ORDER TO COMPENSATE FOR EVERY SHITTY MISOGYNISTIC CRIME DRAMA THAT HAS COME OUT IN THE PAST THIRTY YEARS AND I WOULD PROSELYTIZE FOR IT DOOR-TO-DOOR IF I COULD.
YES I just finished it the other day and it was glorious and Stella Gibson should be like, a patron saint of the Toast.
This comment is way late, but I tried to watch The Fall, and I had horrible nightmares, it was just too good and that guy was way creepy…stupid suggestible brain! I even get Voldemort nightmares if I read too much Harry Potter before bed, my brain is clearly only appropriate for sunshine-and-puppies at night time
I started watching the show while I was home sick. It was broad daylight on a Monday and I was home alone (with my two cats) in my locked third floor apartment. Allow me to share some of my Tweets from that day.
“Oh, hey, “The Fall,” thanks for the reminder that no one should trust anyone, least of all the person they love most, not to be a murderer.”
“Cat is making crashing noises in other room. NOT THE TIME, CAT. #WatchingTheFall #AlreadyCheckedTheLocks #WhatIfKillerIsAlreadyInside”
“Cat is now trying to sit on my lap, seriously limiting my mobility in case of killer attack.”
And from several days later, when I rewatched the first couple episodes with my partner:
“Watched more of #TheFall and now I can’t sleep.”
Sorry, I should have clarified. We get different shows and I’m not sure we get the ‘queue’ thing,
The queue is what Netflix calls the list of DVD’s you want through the mail. I guess, like a lot of people, I also call the list of stuff I want to stream a queue also, but Netflix just calls it “My List”.
Yeah, I don’t think the UK has the DVD option bit of netflix at all. I think we just have netflix instant, with the list. I mainly use that to keep track of the terrible shows I watch and wait for them to get new episodes.
Ex-Netflix employee here. They also used to call the instant watch queue a queue, but frankly, customers got really confused. Some of us used to keep lists of phonetic versions of the ways customers mangled the word. The change to “My List” happened after I was fired, but I thought, Ah, they got tired of having reps explain what it is.
I feel sort of (not really) bad for the dude whose netflix password I use because his recommendations are now entirely comprised of
British costume dramas, British murder mysteries, and British costume drama murder mysteries. WHOOPS.
(Watched The Bletchley Circle yesterday, adored it!)
Speaking of British costume drama murder mysteries, have you watched Foyle’s War? It is fantastic. I love Honeysuckle Weeks.
Bletchley Circle yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssssssssssssss.
I realized last night that there are a bunch of movies in my queue that have been there since the first day I got a Netflix account. They’re all documentaries and Intellectual Dramas and I will never watch them.
I spent a very satisfying hour last year going through my very, very long Netflix queue and deleting – finally – all the “smart”, deep, culturally important movies I always wanted to HAVE watched without ever having to actually watch them. Now I just watch period pieces, travel shows, and Murder She Wrote and I’m much happier.
Ah, yes. Murder She Wrote is the best for spotting random actors that were just starting out in the 80s or classic film stars making a guest appearance. There’s even a Jenny Lewis episode, albeit a super-creepy one. That and episodes of Futurama are my go-to viewing right before bed.
I do this except with horror movies. I do not like horror movies, but there is always a slew of critically-acclaimed or otherwise culturally-mandated horror movies like The Exorcist or Shutter Island or what-have-you (Oculus or whatever “demon in the mirror” movie is out currently does not number among these) that I feel obligated to keep in my queue for at least 12 months before chuckling bitterly and deleting it.
I love documentaries and thought-provoking LGBT-coming-of-age indie dramas, though. Gimme all of those.
Every once in a while, when I’m really just at a loss for what to watch, I actually do watch one of the documentaries and intellectual dramas clogging up my queue. It always makes things worse, because it lets me think “maybe, someday, I will actually watch these!” and I add two dozen more.
The next thing in my Netflix queue is Short Term 12; the last thing I watched on Netflix was The Vampire Diaries.
Ugh, ugh, and I feel like I have to admit (because Netflix KNOWS) that I was actually re-watching The Vampire Diaries.
The second thing in my Netflix queue is Heathers, tho, which is evidence in favor of the fact that I’m (mostly) at peace with my tastes, I think.
I am also rewatching The Vampire Diaries currently. No shame.
i really loved Short Term 12…
Vampire Diaries done goofed on a lot of things last season, but otherwise there is no shame in watching that. That is a great show.
Literally nobody is capable of understanding the 2001 movie without reading the book, because it is inscrutable.
*Creed arms into a sea of haters*
I have not read the book, but I have read Childhood’s End (well, actually, my dad read it to me as a bedtime story, because my geekery is via legacy, by god), and that basically does the job as well. (It is also Arthur C. Clarke.)
Ok, I have to be the stick in the mud and ask because I cannot figure it out and google won’t tell me…what are Creed arms?
My Netflix has just given up on me and mostly recommends I watch stuff that I have already seen, on Netflix, or is currently in my queue.
Fine. I’ll put it out there. Not only did I watch The Act of Killing, I LOVED IT.
Don’t get me wrong, it was harrowing. But it was also fascinating and well-made and unlike anything I’d ever seen. So there.
(I am not trying to guilt people into watching it, btw. I still haven’t watched The Square, and that’s terrible, because I lived in Egypt for a year and a half and was around for some of that stuff and I study Middle Eastern politics and I feel like I have A Responsibility to watch it, but no, I don’t watch it, I marathon the entirety of Marvel’s Phase 2 instead, and what I’m saying is I know the guilt. I’m just. I just wanted to stick up for The Act of Killing a little bit.)
Netflix: I see you just finished rewatching the entirety of Futurama. What would you like to watch next? What? No! What are you doing?? Don’t rewatch it again!
I just finished watching the entirety of Futurama and now I feel lost at sea. Is this the solution?
Are you me?! Or are you that neighbor that keeps looking in my window?
Gonna delete all that subtitled garbage and raise my self-esteem!
How does sentient Netflix feel about the Human Lampshade documentary? I MUST KNOW.
Obviously I watched it as soon as it appeared (what are you new here?)
99 percent rampant speculation and holocaust B-roll. 1 percent science.
I heard the lampshade was (SPOILER ALERT) not EVEN HUMAN SKIN. The only reason I haven’t watched it is that I have not yet exhausted all the Jonestown documentaries and episodes of Psych ever made. But I will watch it.
Netflix definitely understands me better than I know myself. I like to think of myself as a light-hearted person who enjoys fun, but Netflix knows I have not watched a comedy in six months. No, give me your time travel TV shows, Scandinavian crime dramas, action movies good and bad, and dystopian scifi because clearly that’s all I want.
+ With Strong Female Lead
Netflix suggests increasingly terrible horror and comedy horror and at first I would say ‘how dreadful do you think my taste is, netflix’ and then I realised that netflix knows JUST how dreadful my taste is and I went with it.
So far it’s only been wrong on a couple, and one of those was only because the cat got killed by the slasher clown, and I’m into watching some awful teenagers getting killed by umbrellas, but not into watching a cat get beaten to death.
I mean, willingly watched Zombies! Wicked Little Things and that has tiny, undead, flesh-eating child miners. Wearing little flat caps and killing people with picks.
I’m adding that to my list RIGHT NOW.
Check doesthedogdie.com! I do before I watch any horror movie, and it has served me well.
I love the “[genre] with a strong female lead” category.
That’s pretty much the entirety of my suggestions.
“Rate those nine episodes of Cheers you watched last Sunday at noon. Other hungover users also recommend: Arrested Development, Poirot, David Attenbourough.”
I’m waiting for them to add “One Man & His Dog”, which is the best thing I have ever found for hangover watching. It’s a show about sheepdog trials, so basically a large grassy area with a man, a dog and some sheep. The man makes some brief sounds, the dog runs around, the sheep move as a group. So pleasant.
I would watch this sans hangover. My Netflix is already like, “What, are you watching Too Cute again?” and I’m like, “GIVE ME THE PUPPIES AND KITTENS NOW, MINION.”
Well, I did find one video on YouTube (competition starts at 1:30). Unfortunately for the hungover, this competition uses whistles rather than the more soothing voice commands (and the video quality isn’t great) but you can clearly see why Animal Planet needs to option this from the BBC.
My seven year old has watched the entirety of “Too Cute!” approximately 80 billion times. Also that “Babies” documentary, to the point where I have formed Opinions about the various babies and which ones would win in a baby cage fight.
I am ashamed to admit it, I saw Zack and Miri Make a Porno at the movie theatre, but in my defense I was young and did not know anything better and was blinded by my love of Elizabeth Banks.
Also I refuse to believe that a sentient Netflix would not purposely suggest the weirdest crap.
Not only did I see it in the theater, I bought it on DVD. My defense is that I have a huge soft spot for Kevin Smith’s comedies, and would at this point follow Elizabeth Banks off a cliff.
I no longer use my most recent ex’s Netflix account even though he willingly shared the password because I don’t want him to know what crap I want to watch. I’ve got a certain level of self-righteousness to maintain, you know.
After reading the profile on Dr. Parker in the roundup, I ccan’t deal with anything but a What Not to Wear and/or Long Island Medium marathon. I’m so glad Netflix doesn’t judge.
My Netflix is all gritty indie crime dramas and cartoons for my four-year-old. If it was sentient it would think I was a serial killer.
Oh thanks, Tommy Wallach/sentient Netflix, for shining a light on this: ‘While you get the most immediate pleasure from watching something mindless, in the long term, these films create a sort of cultural shame spiral that oppresses you.’ Thanks SO much.
(I really enjoyed this piece, it was spot on. My go-to mindless entertainment is mostly of the giant-creature-terrorises-inept-humans variety – Anaconda, Lake Placid, Deep Blue Sea… The next one I’m intending to watch is called Ghost Shark. Yep.)
Netflix: I can’t help but notice that you have spent the past twelve hours watching a show that you dislike, and have frequently punctuated the onscreen dialogue with mutterings about “sexist grimdark bullshit.” Would you care to explain why you continue to watch it?
(I don’t know, Netflix. I don’t know.)
I am so glad I’m not the only one who does this.
I have nothing interesting to add to these comments, except to say that the comments on The Toast are the nicest comments I’ve seen anywhere on the internet. I scanned through these just waiting for someone to accuse me of beating children to death with the corpses of the baby seals I just beat to death with rocks. And instead, I just found a bunch of funny shit about Netflix. So thank you for being awesome, Toasty people. That is all.
I mean, I can accuse you of any kind of vile crime you want.
But generally we like to keep it funny, thoughtful and intelligent round here.
Netflix’ assessment of the author made me uncomfortable because it hit far too close to home.
So help me, Netflix, if you try and stop me from watching The Avengers for the 953rd time – no power on earth or heaven will stop me from ripping your algorithms apart electron by electron. With my teeth.
IT JUST FEELS RIGHT, OKAY, NETFLIX? I’ll get to the Auschwitz documentary later!
Oh, yes. Netflix keeps recommending awful (wonderful) teen dramas to me instead of the arty subtitled films and serious documentaries in my queue… thanks, Gossip Girl, this is all your fault.
Every six months or so I go through my queue and try to ask myself “are you REALLY going to watch that?” with regards to some of the weirder stuff. It’s not a 100% surefire cure, because I’ve been sitting on a three-hour found-footage documentary of Ceausescu for like a year. (In my defense, we have one TV and two kids under four, so some of the weirder/darker shit just isn’t feasible 90% of the time.)
Though if my Netflix was going to talk to me now, it’d probably just be quiet lonely sobbing since I found The Wire on Amazon Prime and am now discovering the greatest TV show of ten years ago.
The biggest problem with the Netflix queue is that it’s easy to pretend you’re only going to watch one episode of Parks & Rec, and then get back to productive things, but you clearly don’t have the time to watch the heart-wrenching saga of German lesbians torn apart by war and society (I haven’t watched that one yet, so I can’t swear that this is what it’s actually about). But then Netflix asks if you want to watch another episode, so you do, and then it’s three hours later and you might as well have watched the costume drama with subtitles.
I don’t know what’s wrong with my Netflix, but I think maybe it is like the simple cousin of some of these other Netflixes. Because the other day it noted that I had watched MYSTERY FILES: JOAN OF ARC, and thought that I might therefore enjoy THE MYSTERY OF EELS.
This comment is way late, but I tried to watch The Fall, and I had horrible nightmares, it was just too good and that guy was way creepy…stupid suggestible brain! I even get Voldemort nightmares if I read too much Harry Potter before bed, my brain is clearly only appropriate for sunshine-and-puppies at night time
Netflix knows what I like, and what I like is clearly Period Mysteries/Dramas with Strong Female Leads of Non-American Origin (If said show contains queer characters, its ranking shoots from an A to an A+++++++)
That's pretty much the entirety of my suggestions.
I am so glad I'm not the only one who does this.
Scrubs can’t be poorly rated! By whom, soulless people? Don’t be such a snob, Genderless Voice. Scrubs is ageless.
my Netflix can presumably hear me whispering “This is the worst show I’ve ever seen, I hate myself for watching it” as I click on the next episode of American Horror Story. I’m sorry, Netflix, I swear I’ll watch all those highly rated Israeli films soon, and I’ll turn off the subtitles to prove I still speak Hebrew! (no I won’t)