Author’s Note: We wanted to thank EVERYONE who came out to Hey Ladies: Live! at Housing Works Books back in June and everyone who watched it on Livestream! It was an amazing success and we can’t wait to (hopefully) do another one!
The following brand new Hey Ladies email thread was read out loud at the live event. Past installments can be found here.
To: Ali, Katie, Morgan, Nicole, Ash, Caitlin
From: Jen
Subject: This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing
Hey ladies. I struggled a lot while deciding whether I should type this out and send it off.
But like, I don’t know. I feel like I am coming to the end of my rope. Marriage is hard. Like really fucking hard. Like sometimes I literally….want to MURDER brad. And then I feel bad about it. And he’s like why are you crying and I’m like because sometimes I just want to kill you. Like he makes me so mad.
I JUST don’t think it’s hard to like, do a dish or like, turn off the lights, or surprise me a few times a week with a nice dinner or a gift!!!!!! Or a vacation!! Or a new car or like, a new blender or ANYTHING. Like you can’t get lazy on me now, Brad, we have til death do us part to make this work and, as Fergie says, I just don’t feel like he’s meeting me halfway.
I feel like I can move out like I can get divorced. I can do this and start over and like meet someone else, someone who will do dishes and not annoy me.I know you guys aren’t married, seriously none of you are even close, and I’m sure to YOU Brad always seemed like he was the perfect man but like, IDK what to do. I really don’t.
Ladies what do I do. I am so like, low. And Lexapro isn’t even helping. I’m pretty sure my shrink has me on placebos. xo jen
To: Ali, Katie, Jen, Nicole, Ash, Caitlin
From: Morgan
Subject: RE: This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing
OMG Jen, I am so glad you reached out to us!!!! We are here for you bebe!! I’ve been telling everyone on gchat for months that I think your relationship is fucked. What kind of husband has a business trip on New Year’s? A woman always knows.
The first thing you need to do is GO THROUGH HIS PHONE. It’s important to deal with reality, but in my experience, if a man doesn’t feel like helping with dishes or listening to a 45 minute story about your day, it’s because there is ANOTHER WOMAN. Can you check his phone now, or do you need me to hack into the cloud?? I’m learning how to code.
Love, Morgs
To: Ali, Katie, Jen, Morgan, Ash, Caitlin
From: Nicole
Subject: RE: RE: This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing
Jen, I am sure that everything is fine!!!! On the off chance it isn’t though, maybe you should give him a threesome?? Experimenting sexually always leads to a deepening of long term commitment! From what I understand, guys are really emotional about sex, and doing weird sex stuff makes them love and respect you more!!
It’s not just an old wives tale, Jen. There’s truth there.
If you need a third, I’ve always thought I’d like to have sex with Brad, so I could be down…literally. And If it would help you guys get back on the track to love, I would gladly let your husband fuck me. I would do that for you. We’re friends!
Can you just let me know by COB? The next few days are crazy.
xoxo Nicole
To: Nicole, Katie, Jen, Morgan, Ash, Caitlin
From: Ali
Subject: RE: RE: RE: This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing
Jen, you poor thing!!! I can’t say I’m surprised but I’m truly touched you reached out to me. Guys are usually way obsessed with me, but I know third-hand what it must be like to have a man’s interest wane. Let’s do a deep dive.
1) Obviously we need to check his credit card statements going back to before you guys started dating. Let me know if you need help. I have an app for that.
2) We’ll cross check it with his facebook messages, emails, gchats, instagram and twitter interactions to look for any suspicious activity
3) I disagree with Nicole’s advice. It’s really important to withhold sex right now. Guys are really good at picking up on hints of when girls are mad.
4) At the same time, I think you should be really aggressive in showing him how his actions are affecting you. What if you sent cookies to his work every day for a week with sad faces painted on? Guys like it when you’re thinking about them, and involving their work life in your relationship.
5) ADDENDUM: Maybe Nicole should have sex with him as a test to see if he goes for it???? Would you be down? We could nannycam it for documentation.
I’m so sorry you are going through this babe. But if you got divorced, it might be fun because then you can only date other divorced guys cause no other guys will want you, and who doesn’t wanna be a stepmom LOL! Let me know what you wanna do! I have apps for all of this!! Love, Ali
~*~Some infinities are bigger than other infinities” – The Fault in Our Stars trailer
To: Ali, Nicole, Jen, Morgan, Ash, Caitlin
From: Katie
Subject: RE:: FWD:: RE: : RE: RE: This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing
Hey Jen! I have absolutely no time to write right now; I have a huge project at work. It’s actually kind of great, my boss keeps giving me more responsibility since I’m so vital as a content creator. But tweet me if you guys end up splitting up and DM me if you wanna make plans, I’m just so crazed. Too crazed to text, way too crazed to email but I did want to do you a solid and reply.
I’m super glad the girls have tons of time to gchat with you about this. But hey if you end up getting a divorce, that would be fine! You’d be fine. It’s like kind of mature and cool, in a way.
Anyway, attaching my favorite Buzzfeed list of all time: 31 Reasons You Know You’re Single And A Millennial And A New Yorker And A Woman As Depicted By Laguna Beach Season 2 GIFs.
I found it super helpful in 2012 but trust me, it’s really evergreen. Good luck, Jen! Thinking of you. X, Katie.
~*~*Well that’s what we do, we fight… You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you’re back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What’s it look like? If it’s with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that’s what you really wanted. But don’t you take the easy way out.
Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?~*~*
To: Katie, Nicole, Katie, Morgan, Ash, Caitlin
From: Jen
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE:: FWD: RE: RE: This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing
Katie, please change your email sig? that shit is seriously giving me a depresh. Jen
To: Ali, Nicole, Jen, Morgan, Ash, Caitlin
From: Katie
Subject: RE:: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: FWD:: RE: : RE: RE: This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing
Jen, sry, I love that movie 🙂 Katie
To: Katie, Nicole, Katie, Morgan, Ash, Caitlin
From: Jen
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE:: FWD: RE: RE: This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing
it’s fine just a little insensitive.
To: Ali, Nicole, Jen, Morgan, Ash, Caitlin
From: Katie
Subject: RE:: RE: RE: RE: RE:: RE: RE: RE: RE: FWD:: RE: : RE: RE: This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing
ok sorry
To: Ali, Katie, Jen, Morgan, Ash, Caitlin
From: Nicole
Subject: RE::RE RE ::: RE : RE RE: RE: RE: RE:: RE: RE: RE: RE: FWD:: RE: : RE: RE: This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing
Hey ladies,
Jen it’s been a bit – how is everything going? We missed you at brunch the other day. It was such a good deal (we Groupon’d) and Ali even got the waiter’s number! Like SIZZLE someone is on FIYAHHHHH! Haha but seriously, why aren’t you returning texts? Or calls?
Let us know, bb, we worry!
******* N I C O L E ***********
To: Ali, Nicole, Jen, Morgan, Ash, Caitlin
From: Katie
Subject: RE:: RE: RE: RE: RE:: RE: RE: RE: RE: FWD:: RE: : RE: RE: This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing
Or snaps or liking the comments I’ve left on Facebook (when you don’t like them it makes me feel like a loser just FYI)
Katie
To: Nicole, Katie, Jen, Morgan, Ash, Caitlin
From: Ali
Subject: RE: RE: RE:: RE: RE: RE:: RE: RE: RE: RE: FWD:: RE: : RE: RE This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing
She has a point, Jen, please get back to us through whatever channel or means you feel necessary by COB.
Best,
Ali
PS – The waiter got MY number, I didn’t ask him for his. Just wanted to fact check 🙂
—
“Can I have your daughter for the rest of my life? Say yes, say yes, cause I need to know!” – “Rude” by Magic! <3
To: Ali, Katie, Morgan, Nicole, Ash, Caitlin
From: Jen
Subject: RE: RE: RE:: RE: RE: RE:: RE: RE: RE: RE: FWD:: RE: : RE: RE This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing
Hi Ladies!
Oh my god I am laughing so much reading your emails! Like, you were so worried! It’s like, I’m not really on Facebook that much (Pinterest!) so I didn’t see your comments, Katie! You guys, I’m fine! And thanks so much for all of your advice but I think we’re gonna be okay and we’re doing better and things seem to be great.
Honestly I’m a little surprised at some of the advice you guys gave me. Like, yes, I get it, you’re not married, but seriously? This is how you guys think? You might need to do a deep dive within and make some fundamental changes before you can really let a man in deep inside you to love you, like I did, with Brad.
Anyway, thanks for the invite to Nicole’s coworkers bday this weekend but Brad and I are gonna try to do a project (DIY mason jar chandelier!)
XO
JEN
Michelle Markowitz is a comedy writer, storyteller, and bachelorette party apologist in New York. She can be found subtweeting Cory Booker @michmarkowitz.
The “Rude” quote. PERFECT.
Oh Jen. You are becoming a wiser woman. Do you guys think this was a troll on her part? And NICOLE. JESUS.
oh god i keep going back to re-read it and it just keeps getting better/worse. “I’m totally down to do you a favor and fuck your husband, but you have to let me know before COB.”
“I’ve been telling everyone on gchat for months that I think your relationship is fucked.”
I get weirded out that one of them has my name. Fortunately, she doesn’t ever seem to really contribute, and I like to imagine her acting out these emails to her much-less-awful friends.
I share a name (though mercifully not a nickname) with one of the worst, and I flinch every time.
I feel your pain. O_o
Katie, why you gotta be so ruuuuuuuuude?
IT’S IN MY HEAD NOW FUCK
I was on a 4 hour drive this weekend, and we listened to the radio, and heard this song 11 times. 11 TIMES. AND THEN IT PLAYED AT A BARRE CLASS THE NEXT MORNING. And I think against my will it has made itself my favorite song.
Noooooooooooooooo Jayaaaaa
I can’t control it!
I seriously love this song in all of its terribleness and really wish I could listen to it at work right now. It’s so bad and so catchy.
“I found [this Buzfeed list] super helpful in 2012 but trust me, it’s really evergreen.”
YES I HAVE LITERALLY BEEN WISHING FOR A NEW “HEY LADIES” ALL WEEK
okay now I will actually go and read it I just got real excited guys
I am genuinely impressed with how much Ali ups the ante in every single one of her points.
I actually mumbled “oh nooooo” when I saw Ali’s name so that’s gold.
God help me, I love “Hey Ladies”.
“I know you guys aren’t married, seriously none of you are even close, and I’m sure to YOU Brad always seemed like he was the perfect man”.
Oh, Jen! As the kids (used to) say: “BOOM goes the dynamite”.
I was literally just having a conversation about long email signatures with a coworker and now I can’t stop laughing. WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT
I DON’T KNOW! Our company’s head IT guy sends out emails to the entire company (thousands of people) and his signature contains a lengthy quote attributed to Rocky Balboa and it makes me laugh every time.
if only it were attributed to Rocky Balboa specifically as said IN A TRAILER
These are so valuable as a guide to myself as well- if at any point I start to sound like one of the Ladies, I know I need to dial that shit way back. (Except Gracie. Always be Gracie.)
“Always be Gracie”
that needs to embroidered on stuff
I want one of those inspirational rubber bracelet things. “Always Be Gracie.” “WWGD?” etc.
ABG.
My daughter is Grace – often Gracie – and I am so glad that her name has been well-represented.
31 Reasons You Know You’re Single And A Millennial And A New Yorker And A Woman As Depicted By Laguna Beach Season 2 GIFs
So who’s the brave little Toastie who’s going to create this list just so we can cackle together?
Seriously though, when did “deep dive” become a thing EVERYONE says? I have gotten 4 (F O U R) different emails today with that phrase in them. Just say you’ll look at the documents/dataroom/etc., no need for creative writing here
I truly love all the corporate-speak cliches sprinkled delicately in amongst the rest of the batshittery.
I love COB. also I think these ladies would really benefit from incorporating some of the DWIL acronyms into their communications… BSC, BEC, DH, DuH etc. would be totally appropriate.
Still laughing over “I will let your husband fuck me but only if you let me know by COB”
Clearly I am a provincial bumpkin – I had I goggle “COB”, “deep dive”, “Uber”, etc because I had never heard if these things before the advent of the Hey Ladies.
I had to google ‘COB’ a few ‘hey ladies’ ago
But they’re not just looking at it. They’re *diving.* Diving *deep.* Really engaging with the documents/dataroom/evidence of their maladjustment on a profound level.
Deeeeeep. Glug.
I think it’s the only polite way we have to say “I’ll be concentrating on something and no, you’re not allowed to check in or back or touch base or any of the eleventy million ways y’all have found to intrude on my work by pretending it’s not really work.”
It’s one of my colleagues’ favourite terms, without fail we will always be ‘doing a deep-dive’, or ‘deep-diving’. Can’t we just say ‘we’re going to fully research this area’, ‘we’re going to examine this subject in detail’, why do we have to be doing a deep-dive?
…Does anyone else have an office full of people using the word ‘whereby’?
do you need me to hack into the cloud?? I’m learning how to code.
This is where I lost it.
“learning to code” solves every single problem in every single situation that could ever happen
“I have apps for all of this”
My boss keeps calling Google Drive the cloud, and it gets really confusing. “I’m going to upload this to the cloud, and you can just update it from there.” Wait, what? Do you mean you’re going to share a google document with me?
Oh my god that giant wall of The Notebook text as a signature
I feel like when I meet people who say it’s their favourite movie of all time I immediately know all I need to know about them and we will never be friends
Oh, so that’s what the long quote was from!
LOLLLLLL I kind of half read it and was like ‘oh this is from a movie probably? idk who cares’
I plugged it into Google and then died laughing. Well played.
oh, thank you for saying what movie that was from! I suspected the Notebook but I’ve only seen it once and I couldn’t be sure.
I’ve only seen it once (which was definitely enough) too, but I know many people on Facebook who post this quote in sections periodically, so I’m unfortunately familiar with it.
Oh god how did I know without ever having seen the movie
Thank you SO much for sparing me the indignity of googling it.
“I’m learning how to code.”
oh my god
i need a drink
~*~Some infinities are bigger than other infinities” – The Fault in Our Stars trailer
is where i LOST IT. <3 u ladies
YES. Not even The Fault in Our Stars, which, bad enough, but the trailer. THE TRAILER. So, so wonderful.
The little details that went into that one line were magical.
Yes the punctuation or lack of it was brilliant
I always have to read these at least twice, as if they are written in an ancient language that I barely understand.
For me it’s because I have to look away mid way through each paragraph. It’s brilliant, but it’s like looking into a horrible, horrible sun.
SAME! But a really compelling sun, which promises me treats if I just stick with it. Feel the burn, baby!
I always get going and then noticed something Odd about the headers. Like the 4th reply has a FWD stuck in there, and I was like WAIT A SEC what’s happening here.
And then I have to reread and pay attention to header details. Just as fascinating as the emails themselves!
(That FWD is probably innocuous…but with these Ladies, you can’t always be sure of that.)
There’s NO WAY that FWD was innocuous. You know there was some serious shit being talked behind backs with that FWD.
“…I know third-hand what it must be like to have a man’s interest wane. Let’s do a deep dive.”
God bless this series and the “shudder of recognition” tag.
I cringe so hard I can’t read these all in one go and have to go back and read the parts I skipped over.
“~*~Some infinities are bigger than other infinities” – The Fault in Our Stars trailer ” is so brilliant and ridiculous.
it’s the little star and tildes that make it so REAL. When I got to “…trailer” I snorted my coffee.
“you can only date other divorced guys cause no other guys will want you,” Yes, Ali, she’ll be a tainted lady then. How Victorian of you.
I hope she reads these emails (edited) to her husband. His best advice would be to get some new friends. These ladies seem to want to make sure she completely wrecks her marriage. It’s like they’ve found the worst advice on the internet to share with her. (Way to take one for the team, Nicole.)
I have dragged my husband into some frustratingly complicated DIY projects but there is no way he’d agree to a mason jar chandelier! There are some weird things on Pinterest.
I was thinking about the Hey Ladies this week. I really wanted to know what they were doing now. I need a hobby.
As someone who blushes at the mention of mason jar chandeliers: They’re really easy to make, and nobody seems to believe I made mine before there even was a Pinterest. #hipsterproblems
I was doing things before they were cool before it was cool.
omg but WHAT DID happen with Brad!?
i think we all know brad is dead, and jen was just mum on social media for a while since she was laying low/covering her trail/disposing of brad
I sad-face cookies are just…
So good.
So in the last installment I honestly thought Katie was drifting away from the group and coming to her senses, but now I’m thinking she’s just humblebragging about how awesome her career is??! KATIEEEEE
Katie is that friend you *think* is really starting to get her head together, really starting to come into her own…. and then she becomes a content creator.
I still have no idea what a content creator does. I mean, creates content, obviously, but that seems like it’s roughly 50% of the jobs out there, so a content creator must be somehow different. What do they do?
Ash and Caitlin, what are you thinking? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?
IS NO ONE GOING TO MENTION HOW A “FWD” SHOWS UP IN THE SUBJECT LINE (that is the greatest detail that has ever shown up in this entire series)
katie you are awful at covering up your tracks
Each successive Hey Ladies manages to be more horrifying/hilarious than the last. It boggles the mind.
I’m stealing ‘hillarible’ from Cleolinda.
I re-read a good number of them, I think Gracie got free of the group but where is charlotte dot smith?
This is so awesome.
This is so awesome.
WAIT BUT WHAT DID KATIE SAY TO ALI FROM MAY???
I feel like trying to fully comprehend these emails is like trying to open a LeMarchand box – the moment you succeed, a distant bell begins to toll and the walls you thought were solid enough to protect you crumble away. The Ladies, who were standing behind you the whole time (always), will have such sights to show you. As soon as they agree which is the cutest sight for this time of year.
N I C O L E
this letterspacing will be the death of me
“(when you don’t like [my Facebook comments] it makes me feel like a loser just FYI)”
Cringing and laughing uncontrollably at the same time. Which is pretty much my reaction to every Hey Ladies installment. (It’s the self-righteous “just FYI” at the end that makes it perfect.)
But what happened to charlotte.smith??? She’s not inner circle enough to hear the marital drama, but the mysteriously silent Caitlin is? (And what is Caitlin’s deal? Caitlin is kind of my hero for never replying to anything).
For heaven’s sake, like REALLY! Who actually writes “like” into their emails?
Clearly I've been missing some quality readings, if these comments are anything to go by.
I don’t mean to humblebrag or anything here, but the spacing on this article reminds me of demisemiquavers.