Hey Ladies: 1st Birthday Party

by Michelle Markowitz & Caroline Moss · November 23, 2015

To: Nicole; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Ali; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Katie
Date: 10/4/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Hey Mommies!

As most of you know, Peyton Jayne is turning 1 in a month! We’re going to be hosting a birthday party at The Central Park Boat House and would love to invite you, your hubbies, and your little ones to join in on the fun!

I thought it would be great to celebrate in NYC as it’s been so long since we’ve all moved away to Westchester, CT, and beyond (by the way, Jen, I looked up flights for you, Brad, and the kids, and it’s totally doable for you guys to get here from SF – no excuses!)

So, the details:

Peyton Jayne turns 1!
Theme: Paris-meets-Brooklyn (did you guys read that story in the Times?)
Date: Sunday, October 25th
Location: Central Park Boat House
Time: 4pm – 10pm

Gifts: Peyton Jayne would love it if you made a donation in her honor to a charity of your choice.

If you do insist on giving a present, we ask you do not give Peyton Jayne anything that plugs in, anything that is specifically branded to a large corporation, anything made in China, anything with gluten in it, anything with bold or neon hues (muted tones only, please), or anything with cats on it.

Monetary gifts will be invested in a high-interest Roth IRA.

We are so looking forward to seeing you and your families.

Katie, Jake, and Peyton Jayne Lloyd (and Jelly, arf arf!)

To: Nicole; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Ali
Date: 10/4/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Hi Ladies!

So great to hear from you Katie!!

From what I hear the first year of mothering can age you so, so much, so I’m so impressed that you can find the time to plan a soiree! 🙂 I still feel so grateful that Pagan and Suri came into my life when they were out of that baby period, and fully formed little people at the age of 2 and 3! As Matt says, the only “steps” in our house are the ones on our Bowflex EXM4000X in our in-home gym. Did I tell you girls about it?? Pagan and Suri are now sharing a room, which I read in “Why Parisians Are Better, Thinner Parents Than Us” can be really great for fostering closeness! Until puberty. But I’m sure by then Matt and I will have a third level. But anyway in-home GYM!!

That’s so cute you want to do it in the city, but LOL the hours are crazy!!!! You want a child’s party that ends at 10pm?! That was a joke, right? Sleep schedules are SO important for building high IQs and hand/eye coordination. Pagan and Suri are usually asleep by 8p on the weekends, or 6:30p if the nanny wore them out. We might be able to stop by for a minute.

Couple questions since this is your first child’s birthday! 🙂

The party is nut-free right??
What are the gluten options? I’m actually really into gluten these days since I read an article about its benefits.
Did you know it’s tacky to specify gift instructions? Not being critical AT ALL, just wanted to make sure you knew the etiquette
Will the children’s entertainment be in English-only? We are trying to foster a bilingual environment, and with an eye towards the future economy, something in the key of Arabic or Shanghainese would be ideal.

Looking forward to celebrating Peyton!

Warmly,
Ali

—
Musicians play their instruments. I play the orchestra.” – Steve Jobs via Aaron Sorkin

To: Nicole; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ali; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Ashley
Date: 10/5/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Great questions, Ali.

I actually only want Pagen (P A G E N) not to be confused with Ali’s Pagan!) to attend parties in the morning as we try to keep our afternoons available for educational activities. It doesn’t sound like anyone will be doing anything educational at Peyton Jayne’s party, no offense!

Thanks –

Ash

To: Nicole; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ali; Katie; Ashley.; Jen
From: Morgan
Date: 10/5/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Can I get it in writing that my triplets (Helen, Ruth, and Ingrid) receive an “end” slice of the cake (maybe with a flower on it?) Ruth would love some of Peyton Jayne’s name in icing, if possible. And if the 3 slices aren’t exactly the same size there will be issues and honestly it won’t be my fault this time so I won’t feel pressured to fix it.

Thanks Katie 🙂

Morgan

To: Morgan; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ali; Katie; Ashley.; Jen
From: Nicole
Date: 10/7/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Hi Ladies!

Do you know what the weather will be like that day? Is the entire party outside? My sweet Pontius has an aversion to natural light — he sometimes cries when we are outside. Would anyone mind swinging by and picking us up? I don’t like to drive at night, and Jeff will be on a business trip in SF (tech-speak for San Francisco/Silicon Valley).

I’ll be bringing samples of my new product (Potty Babies — patent pending!) I’ll hopefully be pitching on Shark Tank soon!!! It’s the first and only potty training program designed for babies aged 9 mos-14 mos. I think this will really change the potty training landscape!

Will there be nursing stations?? I like to top Pontius off before car rides! Also, does anyone have any experience weaning children aged 3+ off nursing??

Can’t wait!!

Nicole

To: Morgan; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ali; Katie; Ashley; Nicole
From: Jen
Date: 10/7/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Hi girls!

I wish I could make it! Happy birthday to Peyote!!

Jen

ps Does anyone know how to check to see if they know someone involved in the Ashley Madison hack?? One of my friends is asking.

To: Morgan; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Jen; Katie; Ashley; Nicole
From: Ali
Date: 10/10/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Hi!

Kate, pls let me know ASAP. I’m saving the date for you, but don’t know how much longer I can do that!

Jen — Let me know if you need to talk. I can bluetooth you on my way back from dropping the kids at private school — I usually have an 8-minute window before my personal training session starts. I would NEVER need to use this for Matt, but I recently read a fascinating article in The New Yorker I believe, on how you can now hire North Korean hackers to routinely check your husband’s internet habits. If you need their info, I can make an introduction.

xx

Ali
—
“There’s nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself.” – Johann Sebastian Bach

To: Morgan; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Jen; Ali; Ashley; Nicole
From: Katie
Date: 10/10/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Hi Jen 🙂

I actually looked up the flights for you and your fam, as I mentioned 🙂 It’s priced reasonably 🙂 and I know you guys just put in a new pool 🙂 I’ll take this message offline 🙂 It’s gauche to discuss finances on a group email 🙂

Also Morgan, we’re not doing a cake. Sorry to disappoint Ruth, Susan and Mildred! We will be serving a healthy no-bake apple crumble instead. It’s local and organic.

Katie 🙂

To: Katie; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Jen; Ali; Ashley; Nicole
From: Morgan
Date: 10/11/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Jen,

If you think Brad’s cheating just get a burner phone and make a Tinder. Then set him up in a sting. Might want to set up a Grindr, too, just to cover your bases.

Morgan

To: Katie; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Jen; Ali; Ashley; Nicole
From: Morgan
Date: 10/13/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

UGH HI moms,

Might not make it — Ruth picked up some sort of weird rash at Toddler Bikram. It’s seriously disgusting, you guys. It’s like, some parents aren’t taking care of their kids’ hygiene and MY daughter(s) have to suffer? It’s really fucking with Ruth’s chakra and her intentions have had to be pushed back this week so I just don’t know if we can take any partying in non-90 degree rooms. I’m thinking about starting a #YogisLivesMatter hashtag, would you RT?

Morgan

PS – Jen did you ever figure out if Brad’s gay?????? JW

To: Morgan; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Jen; Ali; Ashley; Nicole
From: Katie
Date: 10/13/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Morgan,

I haven’t tweeted since giving birth to Peyton Jayne 🙂 It just feels so juvenile now. But I support your hashtag-activism #loveya #haha.

Just wanted to ask if you’ll be sending a gift? So I can keep an eye out for it. I know last time Nicole sent a gift for my wedding it got “lost in the mail” and we had to file a suit against our doorman who was obviously fucking stealing from us. But this time we’ll def be on the lookout! lmk.

katie

To: Morgan; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Katie; Ali; Ashley; Nicole
From: Jen
Date: 10/13/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Um, the Ashley Madison question really was for a friend…

Jen

To: Morgan; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Katie; Ali; Jen; Nicole
From: Ashley
Date: 10/13/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

I know this is the party email but I think my question about nipple chafing got pushed down in the Breastfeeding thread of my “Hot NYC Moms On Facebook” group so I’ll ask about it here!!! Henry Jr. is absolutely murdering my nips.

To: Morgan; Allison; Ashley; Caitlin; Katie; Ali; Jen; Nicole
From: [email protected]
Date: 10/14/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Can you ladies PLEASE take me off this thread??? I’m not sure how I ended up on here.

-Charlotte

To: Morgan; Allison; Ashley; Caitlin; Katie; Ali; Jen; [email protected]; Nicole
From: [email protected]
Date: 10/14/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Good afternoon,

Ali, Pagan, and Suri will not be able to attend this function, as they are extremely busy with many social engagements.

Kind regards,
Madison
—
Personal Assistant/Intern to Ali Winklevoss

To: Morgan; Allison; Ashley; Caitlin; Katie; Ali; Jen; [email protected]; [email protected]
From: Nicole
Date: 10/14/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Hi Madison!!

Are you the 14-year-old cousin I met at Ali’s wedding??????

Nicole

To: Morgan; Allison; Ashley; Caitlin; Katie; Ali; Jen; [email protected]; Nicole
From: [email protected]
Date: 10/14/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Hiii!!!

YUP LOL! So random, but do you have that $50 I gave you that night for cab fare? You can venmo it to me!!

Madison
—
Personal Assistant/Intern to Ali Winklevoss

To: Morgan; Allison; Ashley; Caitlin; Katie; [email protected]; Jen; [email protected]; Nicole
From: Ali
Date: 10/14/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Too funny! Can we please take this offline ladies???

Ali
—
CEO of the Winklevoss Family

To: Morgan; Allison; Ashley; Caitlin; Katie; [email protected]; Jen; [email protected]; Ali
From: Nicole
Date: 10/14/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Lol Ali should we take it to “Facebook Messenger” or is there #badblood

lolol

~Nicole~

To: Morgan; Allison; Ashley; Caitlin; Katie; [email protected]; Jen; [email protected]; Ali
From: Nicole
Date: 10/26/2015
Subject: Peyton Jayne’s 1st Birthday Party

Hi Ladies!

So sorry I couldn’t end up making it to the party! I totally slept through it, lol.

How was it??

ps Did you find out if Brad is cheating? Do you think your husband is gay if you walk in and catch him watching A LOT of gay porn???? That happened to one of my neighbors… No bigs, just pls let me know ASAP.

Caroline Moss is the deputy editor of culture at Tech Insider. She’s also written for the New York Times and Cosmopolitan. She’s tweeted over 100,000 times.

Michelle Markowitz is a comedy writer, storyteller, and bachelorette party apologist in New York. She can be found subtweeting Cory Booker @michmarkowitz.


166 Comments

  1. ppyajunebug +165

    If you do insist on giving a present, we ask you do not give Peyton Jayne anything that plugs in, anything that is specifically branded to a large corporation, anything made in China, anything with gluten in it, anything with bold or neon hues (muted tones only, please), or anything with cats on it.

    One paragraph in and I am already dead. PEYTON JAYNE. MUTED TONES. this is everything i needed on a monday.

    ETA: Pagan. Pagen. Suri. Pontius. Ali Winkelvoss

      2. floridagal1 +43

        That is perfect, and if anyone I know names their child Peyton you can bet I’m gonna call that kid Peyote as a nickname FOREVER.

    2. ramina +35

      I keep hoping that Pontius is named after Chris Pontius from Jackass. That is my headcanon, at least.

      2. irishbreakfasttime +32

        WHAT WAS THE WEDDING HASHTAG

        A mangled quote? #ForTheWinklevoss? #AliWinks? Do we know her last name?

  4. kilks401 +148

    “Will the children’s entertainment be in English-only? We are trying to foster a bilingual environment, and with an eye towards the future economy, something in the key of Arabic or Shanghainese would be ideal.”

    simpson

    2. corvinafish +34

      This is where I lost it. I’m like 97% sure that Ali has used “in the key of ___” at other times throughout this series (maybe re halloween costumes??), which is to say, Caroline and Michelle are geniuses.

        1. corvinafish +28

          You are a gentleperson and a scholar. And have given me the inspiration to save the entire series for offline reading before getting on a plane tomorrow.

  6. combledore +142

    Normally when I read these there’s a clear winner of The Worst, but now they’re all The Worst. Except Charlotte.

        1. fromthelandwithlove +24

          14 year old assistant with an AOL account! What 14 year old has an AOL account?!?!?!

    1. fromthelandwithlove +31

      I feel like she and Gracie are in a book club together, and they get together once a month while their kids play together and they drink tea and play cards. The other ladies never come up.

  11. BobOfSeals +203

    I was reading that just waaaaiting for Nicole and of COURSE she owes a 14 year old $50.

    Musicians play their instruments. I play the orchestra.” – Steve Jobs via Aaron Sorkin

    *Lies down in a street*

    2. PomoFrannyGlass +66

      This was the point at which I had to admit that I AM Nicole, further reinforced by her FB messenger joke, Taylor Swift reference, and sleeping through the party. Thank god I don’t have a husband to catch watching gay porn.

    3. keristars +44

      the single quotation mark made that one my favorite. it’s the little touches like that that indicate quality content here at the-toast.net

  13. hugpunch +158

    “I wish I could make it! Happy birthday to Peyote!!”
    Jen is a champion just for that response right there.

  14. summerestherson +28

    Oh my gosh, I must’ve missed some Hey Ladies because I didn’t realize one of them had reproduced! *goes back to the archives*

          1. bucklemeswash +16

            I want to know that too!
            Also, one of them was sleeping with a friend of her father’s, and I want to know how that turned out.

    3. sandy +78

      One of my cousins named their son Ptolemy. Happy to say we instantly lost touch with that side of the family.

  16. paperbgprincess +83

    I think my favorite detail this time is when Ali gets mad at Katie and calls her “Kate.”

    1. Household_Opera +19

      I was reminded of when Gracie suddenly became “Grace” after her last email to the group.

    1. rkfire +54

      I don’t know if I want you to confirm the presence of a “Pontius” among your former students.

    2. ipomoea +83

      One of my coworkers has multiple Thors and Odins at her storytime. It’s only a matter of time before Pontius.

      2. personalmap +70

        The other day at my daughter’s storytime there was a kid named Zepplin. I don’t know if it was after the band or the blimp.

    3. aliaspiral +32

      Prek teacher here too! I’ve taught a Pebbles, not one but TWO Kal-Els, a Zoltan (they called him Zoly), an Armanii, and an Awesanique. The names, they are hilarious and fun!

      1. dakimel +13

        Arnamii with 2 ‘i’s cause it’s classier that way.

        Kai-El would actually go really nicely with my surname. Hmmm…..

  18. AstronautPants +67

    “Monetary gifts will be invested in a high-interest Roth IRA.” cackled wildly in my office.

  19. Claudia +144

    I went to a baby shower where giving pink gifts was gauche (unbeknownst to me) and this shower was in the penthouse of a Manhattan downtown skyscraper and most of the women lived in Brooklyn. It was an amazing shower. Amazing. I feel like I was amongst the Ladies. I mean, I hope to never again go to a baby shower in Manhattan for Brooklynite mommies, but as a life experience, it was grand.

    1. PaigePoo +220

      Recently went to a baby shower where the new mom is only outfitting her baby and baby’s nursery in neutrals – white, cream, tan, gray. One of her college girlfriends wrote an advice card that said “I hope for your baby’s sake it only shits neutrals”.

      SHADE FOR DAYS.

    2. Claudia +84

      The mom to be, when opening a gift of a brown onesie, said “Oh, how wonderful! *She* got the memo.” And she said it with a wink to the other Ladies and serious side-eye to me. I mean, it was like I had walked onto a set and I kind of treated it that way? Deep breath, “Let’s do this.”

      1. OpheliaInWaders +20

        Good lord. I live in Brooklyn, and I kinda wish I knew who this was, so I could avoid her like the plague.

    3. Katiezog +30

      This is one of those life experiences that should only be done once, as any additional attempts will never match the jaw dropping majesty of the first.

      1. whollyword +16

        It is also unlikely that one will be invited to make additional attempts.

        But maybe that’s the point!

  21. irishbreakfasttime +83

    Do you know what the weather will be like that day?

    “SF (tech speak for San Francisco)”

    Katie, you’re my favorite 🙂 🙂 🙂

      1. irishbreakfasttime +38

        d’oh Nicole! Katie was the helpful one who helpfully looked up flights and remembered that they got a pool. How kind of her.

    1. ughanothername +31

      There are just too many things here to discuss I feel we’ll never cover them all. I’m overwhelmed by all the horrible awesomeness in this.

  23. Battle_Swine +47

    *incoherent screams*

    my body is shying away from the screen in horror but I can’t stop reading

  25. irishbreakfasttime +70

    Madison’s email address though

    God, these pieces are the gift that gives you something new on every more careful re-read.

    1. SarcasticFringehead +40

      And you know Ali set it up for her, because what 14-year-old even knows what aol is anymore?

      1. keristars +23

        I’d bet Ali has had that account waiting in the wings for YEARS, except that it says “winklevoss” so that’s impossible. (how long had she had her goal set on that guy tho)

        It seems like a think she’d do.

        1. blushingflower +13

          At first I thought it was her, trying to make herself look important/say something through her “assistant” that she didn’t want to have to say herself.

  26. thebellewitch +150

    no no no no nonononono my heart is in my throat reading this.

    Story time: Due to my husband’s work, we are adjacent to a group of people who feel 1-year-old bday parties with 50+ invited guests are normal. Okay, rich tapestry, not everyone is an introvert, I get it. Some of these people are lovely and mostly normal. But some are not.

    Background – most of these people are in the oil business. Oil prices have fallen dramatically in the past year or so.

    So one day, I’m at a 3-year-old birthday party at a huge house that I know cost more than a million, watching children crawling over a huge rented bouncy castle, and the woman I’m talking to looks out over this (admittedly debt-fueled) scene of luxury that would make Henry VIII swoon and says, “Things sure have changed, haven’t they?”

    And dumb, foot-in-mouth me goes, “You mean in what constitutes a 3-year-old’s birthday party?”

    Dear reader, she most certainly did not mean that. In fact, her children, I recall .005 seconds after the words leave my mouth, have very similar parties. No, she meant that we are all now suffering greatly due to the oil downturn. Now, where she got this from the expansive lawn and giant bouncy castle in front of her, I don’t know. But boy did that conversation end quickly!

    And now I say nothing at these events that could be remotely construed as even being in the neighborhood of an opinion. “Uh huh! Yeah!” that’s what I say now.

    1. OpheliaInWaders +79

      OMG. I would be right. there. with. you. Yeah, 3 year olds like bouncy castles, but you know what else they like? Running around and hiding under tables (I just attended a 3-year-old’s bday party that was AWESOME. Pizza, cake, beer for the parents, in the classroom of this kinda grungy independent school. There were no activities apart from some crayons, the decorations were literally a bunch of balloons hanging randomly around the ceiling, the kids ran around screaming for 2 hours and made forts with chairs and coats, and everyone was exhausted/went to bed with no complaints when it was over. Solid, solid party.).

      So…there is hope out there? The rest of us still exist, I promise. And I even live in NY.

      1. thebellewitch +95

        Ahhh, how refreshing. I’ve been cultivating a second group of mom friends who are like, “Hey, it’s my kid’s birthday, let’s meet in the park and let everyone play and I’ll bring cake.” It is so much more fun for everyone.

        1. OpheliaInWaders +53

          That’s what we did for her 1st bday (we brought sandwiches and cake, and everyone brought blankets/chairs), because we figured…the party is really more for us when they’re only 1, and what *we* wanted to do on a beautiful June day was sit in the park and eat sandwiches 😉

          1. saffiedarling +45

            I’m pretty much the oldest of my family friends, so apparently I was the only child at my first birthday party. I’m told it was an excellent party that raged until 3am while I slept the sleep of the untroubled and oblivious.

    2. bird_internet +158

      Oh, I love conversations with the clueless rich. Just last week I was talking to an acquaintance who will remain unidentified and I mentioned that I was recently in my hometown because my parents bought a new house and I was helping them move. She seemed oddly confused by this conversation and finally said “Oh, you mean they bought another house and *sold the first one!*” Can you imagine the kind of life you must live if somebody says they bought a house and your first thought is “yes, I too own multiple homes”?

    3. JGlows +47

      My mom is still waiting to hear if she’s going to be laid off from the oil company she works for. Thousands already have been. I can’t form a coherent sentence expressing how I feel about this party because I just hearing the word FUCK screamed over and over in my head.

      1. thebellewitch +59

        If it makes you feel better (it won’t) the people throwing this party are teetering on top of a house of cards made of conspicuous consumption. As to my fellow party guest … how you can have any feeling in a downturn beyond “well thank god we still have an income” is beyond me.

        1. JGlows +11

          I think you’re right, a lot of people at that level really are. One layoff and they’re screwed.

      2. ramina +13

        I lost my job last month because of the downturn in the industry. (Effectively, at least.) I have a new job, one far far away from retail oil, but fuuuuuuuuuuuck thaaaaaaaat.

        I am keeping your mom in my thoughts, with fingers crossed for good news. <3

    4. irenarowley +86

      I used to work at Gymboree (the play place not the clothing store) and the 1-year birthday parties were hands-down the most bonkers. Sculpted layer cakes (plus the apparently-obligatory “smash cake”), EVERYTHING themed, elaborate favor bags for the four other children that were invited, and every relative from all over the country.

      By 3rd birthdays parents were just like, “He likes Thomas, can we have a Thomas balloon and sing a song about trains? Great.”

    5. RuncibleSpoon +63

      I am deeply scared of this future. my deeply awesome, lovely boyfriend works in tech, and he is Good People, but i worrry a bit as we get older and toward kids popping ages.

      it’s just…i grew up in LA and was one of those poorer nerdy kids at a great private school…and i have deep, possibly unfounded fears of being stuck going to social events with the equivalent of the girls who were mean to me in middle school.
      and their kids.
      forever.

      Everyone he works with is a nerd and a delight, so probably getting scared for nothing, but the fear is there.

  27. Frumiosa +127

    Having a party for a one-year-old from 4-10 pm is actually a brilliant strategy to weed out the kids early as their au pairs take them home and then bitch about the hardships of parenting the rest of the night over champagne and caviar.

  28. ectocool +62

    I am so here for Potty Babies being a thing so I no longer have to listen to my real-life acquaintance humblebrag about how tough it is to have to lift her trained 16-month-old onto adult-sized toilet seats.

    Also, I’m surprised Nicole didn’t say Pontius’ age as ’37 months’ or whatever.

    1. ipomoea +26

      Three is going to hit her so hard in that it’s horrifying to clean adult-sized shit out of toddler-sized underwear.

    2. Perdita McLeod +43

      I can’t deal with people talking about their kid’s ages in months once the kid is older than a year and a half. STOP MAKING ME DO MATH. I also had a friend that insisted on doing that with her dog, “Oh, he’s 14 months!” NO staaaaaahp it. It is a dog and your dog is one year old until he is two years old and etc.

    3. OpheliaInWaders +18

      How heavy is that 16-month-old? Lady needs to relax and buy a little potty. Or a step stool. But *either way*.

      1. ofTrebond +25

        Right? And don’t you have to lift 16-month-olds constantly anyway? They need a lot of care, and changing tables are higher up than toilets.

        Unless she’s complaining about the difficulty in preventing the kid from falling in, in which case that’s hilarious.

  30. winterbymorning +132

    From what I hear the first year of mothering can age you so, so much, so I’m so impressed that you can find the time to plan a soiree!

    My stomach actually clenched from the shade, and I’m only 1/10 into this piece.

    1. secondursula +16

      Yes, I can only read these pieces in sips. I took a little tiny pause after that, and it hadn’t even really gotten started.

    1. Alli525 +14

      I mean, I assume the bourgeois of Brooklyn will eventually storm Park Slope with torches and pitchforks and we’ll at least have Les Miserables all over again… and I will be popping popcorn and cackling quietly to myself in my tiny little Queens apartment.

      1. dgrantobserver +12

        Yeah or it will turn out that–twist!!–Christine Daaé was working at BAM *this whole time.*

  35. aiquale +31

    Only here for Jen’s perfect passive aggressive responses and massive amounts of shade.

    Stay strong girl!

  37. alula_auburn +42

    Hey Ladies always makes me feel better about being a single childless hermit.

    OMG the names. The passive-aggression. Charlotte!!

  38. bucklemeswash +18

    OMG OMG a Hey Ladies! I haven’t even read it yet! I am here to squee, and will be back with a relevant comment anon.

  39. bookwormV +71

    … my mother frequently makes crumble instead of cake as it is more healthy. She’s not one of the Hey Ladies group, right?

    And if the 3 slices aren’t exactly the same size there will be issues
    I am a triplet and can confirm that this is accurate.

    1. irishbreakfasttime +49

      If your crumble is more healthy than cake it probably needs more butter!

      The other day I saw my fiance carefully divvy up a dessert we were sharing such that there was one big piece pointed at me and two smaller pieces, which combined were bigger, pointed at him. I was like I SEE YOU and he was like, dang, I thought as an only child you’d never notice…

      2. clairebm +27

        Yeah, I’m pretty sure I’m more possessive of my food than anyone with siblings is…it’s my food, dammit! My husband once finished his Easter chocolate before I finished mine, and he the ate my fancy Easter egg when I wasn’t looking!! Closest I’ve come to divorce, let me tell you.

        1. Snani +13

          My boyfriend has many lovely points but he wolfs down his food, then starts eyeing mine. I end suuuuper slowly, and frankly, I’m not about to start speed eating just to get a fair share. You get HALF the dip! HALF the salami!

    2. dakimel +26

      1 of 4 kids, all close in age, and thanks to the ‘you cut & they pick first’ rule, I can slice any treat into perfectly equal sizes, no matter how wonky the shape.

      I rock spatial awareness tests. This is why.

  40. angrypedestrian +39

    Hey Ladies always knows how to show up when I am in desperate emotional need of it. This was beautiful. I lost it at Peyote, stifling laughter into my turkey sandwich.

    I want to tattoo charlotte’s e-mail address on my body as constant inspiration.

  41. irenarowley +105

    The names are PERFECTION. I shrieked aloud at “Pagan and Suri.” (Also, I assume that Ali’s children are international adoptees from cultures she has not bothered to learn anything about, that she ran kickstarters for both adoptions, and talks frequently about her “rainbow family.”)

    “I’m actually really into gluten these days” — DED.

    And the GLEE with which they jumped on the “Jen’s cheating husband” train.

    And how fast Madison zeroed in for the kill on Nicole. She is clearly ready to swim with the big fish. Respect.

    1. SmrtCookie +40

      And you know Nicole was SO EXCITED to take Ali down a peg. Poor Nicole, you should have realized anyone related to Ali would be ready with a sick burn.

    2. huntress wizard +50

      I figure Pagan and Suri were Matt’s kids with his starter wife, and Ali now refers to them as her own since can you imagine how much the poor woman aged after not just going through one, but TWO first years?!? She might as well be their grandmother!!

  42. MsNormaDesmond +23

    This is it. It’s taken years, but I finally found the Hey Ladies email thread that will turn me into an anxious rocking ball of human misery.

    Well done!

  43. Unreadaethel +60

    Oh my god.

    OH MY GOD.

    God, the competitive birth/pregnancy/adoption announcements must have been horrifying. And so filled with overshare about fertility cycles, mucus levels, and the correct way to achieve maximum sperm motility.

    1. irishbreakfasttime +51

      I was just gleefully speculating on twitter about the smugly childfree person you KNOW is in their social circle and has been kicked off the email list (this thread is for MOMMIES ONLY). She probably ghosted on them during that discussion (after a couple “TMI!!! That’s why I’m not reproducing lol I can barely order takeout for myself :)” messages) but still sends facebook invites for late-night events with 2 days notice.

  44. EmSharp3 +46

    My sister and I think they need to do a #TBT to the birth and wedding announcements. You know those were epic.

  46. fleurdelivre87 +37

    “Hi girls!

    I wish I could make it! Happy birthday to Peyote!!

    Jen”

    I…I’ve been this lady before. But “Peyote” hahahahahahaha Omygod.

  47. Alli525 +26

    My first reaction at seeing Hey Ladies! on the front page was a low, moaned “yessssssssssssssssss.” It did not disappoint.

  51. Kendra +29

    Wait- did Ali adopt her kids when they were two and CHANGE THEIR NAMES? I can’t imagine anyone else picking those names.

  53. sevanetta +31

    Thank you. Not only is this the only place I could read something like this, it’s the only place I can say without fear of being burned at the stake: I am childless and this is 100% FOR REAL. ‘We can drop in for a minute’ ‘We only go to parties in the mornings’ SERIOUSLY. So many parents (notallparents). Everywhere.

    Also, I have somehow ended up on an email thread of soccer parents, none of whom I know. (No kids, never played soccer.) I read their passive aggressive emails as research for a future novel.

    So Charlotte, no, you don’t want to be off this crazy thread, you want to be on it forever!

  54. Household_Opera +22

    My first reaction to this was: Oh dear God, we’ve failed to contain the threat. They’ve spawned. Their offspring will take over the earth. ALL IS LOST. Ready the spaceships; flee while you still can.

    Did anyone else read the bit about Pontius’s aversion to sunlight and think of the two creepy sunlight-allergic children from The Others?

  55. geekcrackteam +8

    I go away for 5 minutes and there’s a new Hey Ladies.

    1- WHEN DID THEY ALL HAVE BABIES?

    2-Ali married a Winklevoss? #lifegoals

    1. dakimel +6

      With gluten-free something on top – a cinnamon-infused local honey, perhaps? A dusting of organic cocoa powder?

  57. dakimel

    Look, I'd love to support you in all of your life choices, but sometimes you're just courting trouble.

  58. ashurredly +5

    Okay, I haven’t read this yet but I know it’s going to be awesome and I am glad I finally scrolled back through posts from yesterday because I was driving ALL DAY and therefore did not read the toast as I normally would and therefore almost missed a new Hey Ladies, which would have been TRAGIC. And that run-on is appropriate because that is how it all sounds in my head.

  59. namenamename +10

    Omg I didn’t catch it the first time but re: Ali’s new in-home gym – “Pagan and Suri are now sharing a room” – of COURSE she made her step-kids share a room to make space for a gym

  60. O__O +4

    I’ve just read all of the Hey Ladies! articles when I’m supposed to be writing over the young person’s culture (am sure there is an English word for that; equaly sure the Ladies would have a portmanteau I might use) of 1930s USSR- now I am imagining the Mashas & Gishas speaking like this and it is both scary and hillarious

  61. Empsk

    I read this when it was posted, and have just reread all previous Hey Ladies to properly appreciate it. So glad I did because I missed the true brilliance of Charlotte's FFS UNTAG ME the first time round

  63. Guest

    Sooo late to the party, BUT: getting randomly added to weird-ass email lists is the BEST. I somehow have been cc'd on a chain for a bunch of British guys planning a stag party in Le Mans. It is cringetastic.