Hey Ladies: St. Patrick’s Day Edition

122 Comments

1. anninyn +84 March 17, 2014 3:08 pm

   I have seen hell.

   I can NOT work out if Jen is desperately trying to struggle away from them (I wonder what they did at her wedding) or if she’s already bored of her marriage.

   1. ofTrebond +78 March 17, 2014 3:34 pm

      I think Jen likes to keep them around to make her feel grateful for her marriage.

      1. anninyn +38 March 17, 2014 3:43 pm

         Her and charlotte.smith have secret little sessions on chat where they talk about how awful they all are.

         I just LOVED the whole passive agressive section of Jen saying ‘don’t reply (cause I don’t give a shit about you people any more) and Katie and Morgan HAVING to get the last word in.

         1. Rory +10 March 17, 2014 9:53 pm

            FWBs. My suspicion is that this is all just a giant cover for some sweet lady-lovin’ FWBs.

            1. EPWordsnatcher +39 March 18, 2014 1:51 am

               Femslash Fridays: Hey Ladies edition!

   2. aravisthequeen +135 March 17, 2014 3:37 pm

      I think Jen got married to some random dude from college purely as a way to use all those Pinterest boards she’s been working on for years.

      1. hugpunch +27 March 17, 2014 3:52 pm

         Nailed it.

   3. katienaum +15 March 17, 2014 6:36 pm

      I think Jen can’t figure it out either.

2. anachronistique +98 March 17, 2014 3:24 pm

   The group is RIPPING AT THE SEAMS. “I’m enabling your life choices.” It’s like once Gracie got out everyone started to reasses.

   also: HOBOKEN???

   1. lyetteann +35 March 17, 2014 3:41 pm

      POOR BROKE NICOLE.

      1. anachronistique +31 March 17, 2014 4:10 pm

         If Nicole can’t even manage a Forever 21 tank top, she may have serious problems. Aside from the problems of spending any time whatsoever with Ali.

         1. mamacitaconpistoles +7 March 17, 2014 11:15 pm

            F’real. Rather than say”I can’t afford that she is always trying to pay with eBates or whatever. Like, she finally decided to get her debt under control but is having trouble with adjusting living expenses. Doesn’t help her friends can’t choose a reasonably priced activity. Poor woman.

         2. racecaryaya +16 March 17, 2014 11:39 pm

            RPF crossover in which Nicole meets Mike Dang or Logan Sachon.

   2. NicoleCliffe +45 March 18, 2014 11:05 pm

      I’ll have you know my husband lived in Hoboken when we started dating! Why, I might never have slept with him on the first date if I wasn’t so intent on not wanting to catch the PATH train home to Tribeca,

3. PaigePoo +124 March 17, 2014 3:31 pm

   Obviously it’s so tough to find a Manhattan apartment with a kitchen big enough to fit all our KitchenAid mixers!

   I do not for ONE SECOND believe that Jen uses her Kitchenaid mixer(s???) for anything other than the background of instagram pics.

   1. bumblebeebear +42 March 17, 2014 3:40 pm

      That’s why she has so many! She has one in each color that she pulls out to coordinate with whatever photo theme she’s going for.

      1. bumblebeebear +37 March 17, 2014 3:40 pm

         I bed she also has Le Creuset sets in at least 3 different colors.

         1. anachronistique +26 March 17, 2014 4:05 pm

            And has never cooked a single solitary meal in them.

            1. bumblebeebear +55 March 17, 2014 4:34 pm

               She doesn’t ‘eat’, she just repins pictures of food and occasionally snacks on a handful of almonds.

         2. mamacitaconpistoles +8 March 18, 2014 2:00 am

            Coordinated colors. No got it on sale lavender and Kelley green here. It’s all custom ombre burnt orange and aubergine.

            1. Bumblebeebear +10 March 18, 2014 4:30 pm

               She has the bottoms monogrammed.

   2. brigidkeely +22 March 19, 2014 8:07 pm

      All buyin’ macarons at hip bakeries, plating them on saucers from Anthropologie, taking photos w/lots of bokeh of them next to the stand mixer, a chevron patterned owl somewhere near by…

4. safvn +26 March 17, 2014 3:33 pm

   tag: “the shudder of recognition”

5. cosmia +47 March 17, 2014 3:34 pm

   GUYS WHAT IS BROTHER’S JIMMY’S

   THEY GO THERE CONSTANTLY

   -signed A Canadian

   1. aravisthequeen +7 March 17, 2014 3:36 pm

      I want to know!!!

      1. jhsaxena +74 March 17, 2014 3:40 pm

         It is a douchey mini-chain of BBQ restaurants in New York City. They have drinks served in 64oz. fishbowls and I think my high school reunion is going to be there.

         1. mbculver +21 March 17, 2014 4:34 pm

            Ooh, Jaya, go and report back! It’ll be a Toast anthropological study.

            (You don’t have to subject yourself to torture for our amusement if you don’t want to.)

            1. jhsaxena +77 March 17, 2014 4:39 pm

               Oh I am absolutely going. A few years ago I ran into the most popular guy in my class and he tried to convince me I had more friends than him in high school. I want a whole night of that.

   2. bumblebeebear +5 March 17, 2014 3:41 pm

      I googled and I think it’s a sports bar? http://www.brotherjimmys.com/ Honestly I’ve only ever seen it while waiting to drop someone off from the NYC megabus stop.

   3. lyetteann +69 March 17, 2014 3:43 pm

      It’s where you go if you want to be hit on by I-bankers and drink flaming shots. (That sentence is 36-year-old me judging 24-year-old me REALLY HARD.)

6. literaltrousersnake +54 March 17, 2014 3:34 pm

   Whoa y’all, I could _hear_ jen pulling out the switchblade, it went “SNICKT.”

7. aravisthequeen +25 March 17, 2014 3:35 pm

   Everything about this is genius. Also I only understand about 4/5ths of the references since I am not from the Eastern seaboard, but I believe I get the gist which is OMFG THESE PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. jennjennboben +70 March 17, 2014 3:36 pm

   These make me feel so tense when I read them, even though they are fictional, but I cannot stop.

   1. ofTrebond +26 March 17, 2014 3:57 pm

      I get this knot of stress in my stomach now whenever I see the words “Hey, Ladies”. And yet, I keep reading them.

9. emily_white +118 March 17, 2014 3:37 pm

   I am thrilled (thrilled!) that this is turning out to be an elimination-style reality adventure, not just a documentary-style reality show. Who will be the final Hey Lady standing? Will the escaped Ladies get to vote? Will Ali get blindsided?

   1. safvn +22 March 17, 2014 3:43 pm

      I feel like Nicole is the frontrunner, but she could just as easily be taken out by Dark Horse Katie.

      1. EPWordsnatcher +39 March 17, 2014 3:44 pm

         Nicole is too broke to stay for much longer, I think. Safe money is on Ali but she could implode at any moment.

   2. ginthirty +79 March 17, 2014 3:47 pm

      RISE FROM THE DARKNESS, CHARLOTTE.SMITH857!!

      1. emily_white +14 March 17, 2014 4:00 pm

         If this is a Redemption Island/Last Chance Kitchen season, Gracie is kicking ass there, I’m sure, and will return to ally with charlotte.smith857. Just you wait, Ladies!

         (edited because I can’t keep the peripheral Ladies straight)

   3. Ophelia +8 March 17, 2014 3:59 pm

      I think Ali is going to just SNAP one of these days. The sweetness and light is just a facade.

      1. anachronistique +39 March 17, 2014 4:06 pm

         “Sweetness”? “Light”?

         1. dakimel +42 March 17, 2014 4:52 pm

            Ophelia & I are NOT reading the same series. Ali is the shark that all the other sharks are scared of.

         2. Ophelia +29 March 17, 2014 5:17 pm

            Sorry, yes, the “sweetness” is most definitely a cover, but she is the absolute best at “OMG, you guys, I love you, AND I THINK YOU ARE TERRIBLE, but great idea and I’m so excited to be part of things!”

   4. madgehowlet +40 March 17, 2014 4:23 pm

      I’m putting my money on Morgan. The ditzy thing is clearly an act, meant to lull the Hey Ladies into thinking they can ignore her (AND HER KISSING VIDEO DID YOU SEE IT EVEN) before she becomes the Ladie Stands Alone.

10. EPWordsnatcher +90 March 17, 2014 3:39 pm

    “It’s nearly Spring so no one can blame this on seasonal depression. Plus we just moved the clocks forward.”

    Katie can fuck right off, along with Daylight Savings Time.

    1. anachronistique +23 March 17, 2014 3:46 pm

       IT’S LIKE TWENTY-FIVE DEGREES OUT.

       1. EPWordsnatcher +15 March 17, 2014 3:47 pm

          SLEET AND SNOW LAST NIGHT. Again. Just like every Sunday.

          1. elldubs +5 March 17, 2014 5:58 pm

             Ugh. Every Sunday. And now it’s dark during my morning commute, which just makes it that much more fun.

       2. bgprincipessa +12 March 17, 2014 3:48 pm

          THERE IS SNOW OUTSIDE MY WINDOW.

    2. toomanybicycles +14 March 17, 2014 4:39 pm

       Never change, Wordsnatcher.

11. wrappedupinbooks +64 March 17, 2014 3:41 pm

    “I still think we should try hoboken to be more cultured? i dont think ive ever been to nj and st. p’s is like their big holiday.”

    I’m just. I’m dying. I’m dead. I can’t.

12. CordeliaFitz +40 March 17, 2014 3:41 pm

    I DON’T HAVE TO LISTEN TO ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO SAY.

    1. hazelshade +40 March 17, 2014 5:07 pm

       JUSTIN BIEBER, HIS DEPOSITION

13. EPWordsnatcher +48 March 17, 2014 3:43 pm

    I am starting to feel sorry for Nicole? When did that happen? Am I just looking for someone to place pity on now that Gracie has successfully escaped?

14. ginthirty +62 March 17, 2014 3:44 pm

    Have we ever heard from Caitlin? I like to think that Caitlin is actually one of their seven gods – the Divine Goddess of Humblebrag – and all Ladies forward their e-mails to her as a token of their faith.

    1. madgehowlet +15 March 17, 2014 4:25 pm

       I would like to read the Litany of the Divine Goddess of Humblebrag, please. What is her feast day? What are her symbols?

       1. ginthirty +115 March 17, 2014 4:43 pm

          Her feast day is Secretary’s Day. All Ladies should feel #blessed to have someone to have someone to manage their schedules for them; they all know life is just sooooooo CRAY, especially during charity ball season.

          Her symbol is a pair of yoga pants from Ivivva, the children’s offshoot of Lululemon, because “uuuugh lulu is just too roomy for me! so stressful.”

          1. EPWordsnatcher +7 March 17, 2014 4:55 pm

             If we want to invoke the blessings and powers of the Divine Goddess of Humblebrag, what sort of offerings does she favor?

             1. ginthirty +36 March 17, 2014 5:01 pm

                Along with the standard chain e-mail, she favors offerings in the form of monogrammed tote bags, business cards from i-bankers, and Greens 4 from Pressed Juicery.

             2. madgehowlet +5 March 17, 2014 5:13 pm

                You are amazing and I love you.

15. chnellociraptor +56 March 17, 2014 3:45 pm

    UNFORCH????

    1. cuntessvonfingerbang +23 March 17, 2014 8:08 pm

       Yaaasssssssss. I have now absorbed that word into my vocabulary. If you thought I was irritating before, with “natch”, “perf”, “appreesh”, and “obvi”, just you wait.

16. large_marge +40 March 17, 2014 3:47 pm

    BUT DID ASHLEY GO WITH THEM???! Is she at Inbox Zero yet??

17. tekkah +82 March 17, 2014 3:54 pm

    I lost it at the email tagged with a quote from Justin Bieber’s deposition. Lost it.

    I can’t wait ’til this goes extra dark and Ali kills Jen over something completely trivial and then emails the rest of the group like “NO HARD FEELINGS RIGHT GUYS??? I mean she was totally harshing on me. Don’t be mad xoxoxo”

    1. EPWordsnatcher +39 March 17, 2014 4:02 pm

       I expected this one to get way worse because of the whole “showing up at Jen’s and having her drive our drunk asses to Jersey” thing.

       1. tekkah +27 March 17, 2014 4:13 pm

          Yeah I was surprised Jen went with it honestly, after having tapped out of the shenanigans. All that “OH JEN WILL DO IT! She owes me a favor!” talk would have made me, in Jen’s shoes, make sure not to be home that day. Or slam a door in their face. Or something.

          1. leider_hosen +7 March 17, 2014 4:58 pm

             RIGHT?! So surprised that that. I guess is more of a Hey Lady than I thought.

       2. Lu3 +33 March 17, 2014 4:17 pm

          I know, me, too, but I have the distinct feeling that this was Jen’s final account-settling with the group. Doing a favor as ridiculous as renting an extra-big car so you can drive the Hey Ladies to Hoboken “on your way to LI” seems like a great way to close that door behind you.

    2. ginthirty +81 March 17, 2014 4:13 pm

       Hey ladies! What Insta filter will make me look tan but not like, Snooki, and also hide these mysterious red stains all over my white mini?

       xoxo Ali

       ——
       “Oh, uh, it’s – cranberry juice. Uh, cran-apple.” – Patrick Bateman

18. deleted9457019 +51 March 17, 2014 4:01 pm

    Um, if I cut my friends off from stuff just because it was “enabling [their] life choices,” I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have any friends left?

19. cosmia +19 March 17, 2014 4:05 pm

    ALSO UBER SURGE WHAT IS THAT

    It seems like Airbnb but with like, cars? I feel like this series really lends me insight into the lives of people who fling about money in a hilariously trendy manner

    1. EPWordsnatcher +34 March 17, 2014 4:25 pm

       I actually figured that Uber Surge was the even more hopped-up reincarnation of Surge Soda, and do not want to be corrected.

       1. deleted9457019 +13 March 17, 2014 4:47 pm

          All cars feature a 2-gallon bottle of highly-caffeinated soda, prepared for attachment to the IV port built into your chest.

    2. bumblebeebear +21 March 17, 2014 4:45 pm

       “like Airbnb but with cars” exactly! Except instead of borrowing someone else’s car you drop a pin and a fancy car comes to get you. And Uber surge is when on holidays (ex. new years) or really bad weather they do surge pricing and basically just spike the cost of using the service because free markets. I think flinging one’s money about in a trendy manner is exactly the way to put it.

    3. Julie the T +9 March 17, 2014 4:54 pm

       It’s surge pricing: when demand goes up, prices go up. My brother in law works at Twitter and we used it when we went to visit them. San Francisco, I don’t know what to do with you.

20. laciwest +56 March 17, 2014 4:08 pm

    Reading these is like reading Gone Girl, and gives me about the same amount of anxiety.

    1. laciwest +22 March 17, 2014 4:09 pm

       Actually, what am I saying, it gives me way more anxiety.

       1. donkeywork +8 March 17, 2014 5:26 pm

          100% agree. I insanely just read Sharp Objects as escapism from a stressful week and, wow, actual nightmares. But tonight will be worse because these ladies are Satan’s minions.

          1. pinnipedd +5 March 17, 2014 6:48 pm

             Sharp Objects haunted me for weeks! Ugh. So damn uncomfortable and creepy.

             1. cherubalways +6 March 20, 2014 8:01 am

                I read the last 30 pages or so of Sharp Objects while lounging in my bathing suit on a hammock in July.

                When I finished the book I had to put on a sweater because I kept getting shivers.

                GOD DAMN THAT WOMAN CAN WRITE.

    2. Elizabeth W +11 March 17, 2014 6:07 pm

       Reading these is like eavesdropping on most of the conversations in my office. I’m not kidding.

       1. mbculver +18 March 17, 2014 6:16 pm

          D: Let us know if we can help effect a Gracie-style rescue for you one of these days…

21. logicbutton +68 March 17, 2014 4:10 pm

    darty

    Congratulations, you have just created the dumbest possible portmanteau in the English language.

    1. Amy +10 March 17, 2014 4:59 pm

       Imagine it being said with a brogue… AAAAAAAH

    2. wrappedupinbooks +26 March 17, 2014 5:43 pm

       I regret to inform you that this was actually already a thing and has been since c. 2012 #college #yolo

       1. logicbutton +8 March 17, 2014 7:07 pm

          kids these days

22. Frumiosa +11 March 17, 2014 4:28 pm

    Wait wait when did Jen get married? You guys I feel like we’ve been cheated out of the ultimate in Hey Ladies: the Bachlorette Party. Did I miss this??

    1. EPWordsnatcher +19 March 17, 2014 4:29 pm

       I think that was the original Hey Ladies post! Way back when…

    2. Lu3 +7 March 17, 2014 4:45 pm

       Ah, here ya go: http://the-toast.net/2013/08/01/bachelorette-part…

       1. Frumiosa +20 March 17, 2014 7:25 pm

          Aaaahhhh! Just the first line:

          “Hi Ladies! (including friends and bride’s obligatory cousins we will later ostracize!)”

          In retrospect perhaps this is too self-aware for Ali.

          1. anon210 +21 March 17, 2014 11:05 pm

             It was a whole different style in that original entry. They dropped in subtext as text rather than letting Faithful Readers discover it for themselves.

       2. themegnapkin +5 March 17, 2014 9:57 pm

          It looks like Nicole wasn’t invited to the bachelorette party!!! No wonder she’s so . . . awful.

23. hearyoume +107 March 17, 2014 4:46 pm

    ” it’s only like .75/per person, so you can just buy me a drink instead!”

    Too real.

    1. dakimel +8 March 17, 2014 4:54 pm

       That one killed me.

24. msjinxie +55 March 17, 2014 4:54 pm

    “Irish guys are sooo adorbs! I LOVE the accent and how they bottle their feelings inside, sooo cute!”
    It’s a little creepy when the Hey Ladies hit upon truths.

25. dakimel +34 March 17, 2014 4:56 pm

    I’m just surprised that Ali actually showed up instead of ditching for Brad’s thing.

26. literarysara +23 March 17, 2014 4:57 pm

    I am dying. Last year my old TFA roommates and I had a reunion visit to New Orleans in time for their St. Patrick’s Day parade, during which floats (on wheels) throw beads and potatoes and cabbages, and men (on foot) exchange beads and fake flowers and stickers for kisses. (And some other random stuff–I got a beach ball, a kazoo, and a tiara as well.) We definitely Hey Ladiesed it up to get everyone in the same hotel and organize matching shirts and set a meeting place.

    But we are not Hey Ladies, and everyone got to bring their own green shirt and we ironed on the words, and we had so much fun because we like each other (and also because free stuff and kisses). And no one made the married girl feel bad, nor did she feel bad for the rest of us.

    1. ginthirty +29 March 17, 2014 5:08 pm

       As a New Orleansian currently nursing a black eye caused by a hurled potato at aforementioned parade – this is far too real.

       1. literarysara +22 March 17, 2014 5:51 pm

          You got a potato in the eye? That is so wrong! They are supposed to lob them gently towards outstretched hands.

          I hope you staked the offending tuber on the arrowhead of some decorative wrought iron.
          

          1. EPWordsnatcher +28 March 17, 2014 6:03 pm

             I really want someone to explain this to me, but then again I kind of love the magic of not knowing.

             1. mbculver +14 March 17, 2014 6:18 pm

                I feel like nothing could be as interesting or amusing as the explanations I’m making up in my own head right now.

             2. literarysara +19 March 17, 2014 7:11 pm

                The truth is so simple! The explanation of the above picture is that while everyone wants to catch a cabbage, not everyone wants to keep a cabbage, and the parade takes place in the Garden District where there are plenty of iron fences to stake a cabbage head on.
                The beads are probably on that fence year round.

                The explanation for gintonics’ eye potato is either bad aim or evil.

             3. EPWordsnatcher +11 March 17, 2014 7:19 pm

                That makes total sense! I’m rather attached to the explanation I’ve come up with, though (it involves sacrifices to the cabbage gods).

             4. literarysara +37 March 17, 2014 9:03 pm

                That’s crazy. What kind of god would suffer the children made in his or her own image to be brutally staked in public like this?
                . . . . oh.

27. Jess +61 March 17, 2014 5:22 pm

    This is shockingly similar to email threads I’ve poured over trying to organize Dungeons and Dragons sessions.

    1. racecaryaya +42 March 17, 2014 5:49 pm

       At the end of this series, everyone will disband and Ali will attempt to start another group of “Ladies” but with nerds.

       1. Elizabeth W +33 March 17, 2014 6:08 pm

          Would read.

    2. nonvolleyball +6 March 17, 2014 8:46 pm

       I can only imagine that your D&D group is at least 99% less comprised of horrible people.

    3. LeastBittern +25 March 17, 2014 10:16 pm

       One of our D&D campaigns instituted two rules: you aren’t allowed to propose an alternative plan if there is more than one valid plan on the table, and if you nix all of the valid plans, you have to propose a valid plan yourself.

       “I can’t come this time.” is a valid plan.

    4. deyne +17 March 18, 2014 12:56 am

       Try organizing anarchists.

    5. brigidkeely +7 March 19, 2014 8:09 pm

       Same.

       You finally get everything like 99% nailed down with a place, a time, and a foodplan, and then someone pipes up with some horrible suggestion that’s completely different from what’s already been agreed upon. WHYYYYYYY.

28. elldubs +28 March 17, 2014 6:00 pm

    I love how Jen just has no shame around telling the ladies that her in-laws’ house is closed for the season, then immediately bails from the weekend plans in favor of going to… her in-laws’ house.

    1. EPWordsnatcher +7 March 17, 2014 6:02 pm

       I thought it was her in-laws’ beach house that was closed? Could be incorrect. I like your version better.

       1. elldubs +17 March 17, 2014 6:18 pm

          Ha! You’re right; I totally missed that. I think my brain just shorted out when I got to the “in Boca” part of “we’re inviting ourselves to your husband’s parents’ house in Boca.”

          1. EPWordsnatcher +8 March 17, 2014 6:24 pm

             Understandably. That sentence will short-circuit anyone’s brain.

29. Chrisbookarama +28 March 17, 2014 7:08 pm

    I want to be the Blerta to these Ladies. They need a good Blerta-ing. I don’t know half of what they are saying because I am an old Canadian but I get the gist of it and it makes me stabby. I’ve never wanted to murder fictional characters more.

    I laughed out loud at the “Kiss Me I’m Irish tank tops will make us stand out!” comment though.

    1. nonvolleyball +39 March 17, 2014 8:47 pm

       slightly OT, but back in the day I encountered a shirt that read “You must be Irish ’cause my dick’s Dublin” & ever since then no other St. Patrick’s Day theme-wear can possibly compete.

       1. EPWordsnatcher +9 March 17, 2014 9:20 pm

          Oh WOW

       2. dakimel +10 March 18, 2014 4:55 am

          Goddamnit I’ve gone to Dublin every summer for 21 years and never once has a Grafton Street tourist-bait shop offered up that particular gem. I feel beyond cheated.

30. Lilly +14 March 18, 2014 12:12 am

    jfc the true detective quote

31. HotDoom +5 March 19, 2014 5:43 pm

    OK so the more I look at the creepy leprechaun photo that accompanies this, the more it reminds of Christian Bale as latter-day Laurie in Little Women (like when he gets with ::SPOILER:: stupid Amy), but with his face really fucked up (Alternative LW ending: Laurie and stupid Prof Behr fight in a fire, thereby killing Behr before he can do more damage and turning Laurie into a leprechaun). That is all.

32. katieionata +11 March 26, 2014 5:26 pm

    “Acceptable outfits: … HAIR.” …good to know?