Hey Ladies: New Year’s Eve Fallout

by Michelle Markowitz & Caroline Moss · January 21, 2014

Most recently in this series of unspeakable torments: Book Club.

To: Katie; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole S; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie (work)
From: Ali
Date: December 7, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Ladies!!!!

SO as everyone knows New Years Eve is my signature event!!! In years past, I would have been sending out save-the-dates in the early spring. But I actually have some news!

Mike & I broke up. It was 10000% mutual. I was doing a combo The Art of War/Why Men Love Bitches/October Cosmo’s “How To Keep A Man Interested Using These 40 BJ Tips,” but none of it worked. I’m just dealing with a lot of wrecking balls coming at me right now.

But like I said when I got mono while playing Mimi in Rent at Stagedoor Manor, the show must go on!!!!!

I’d like to do something supes low-key this year. Sometimes before we can YOLO we need to CHOLO (Concealing Heart Outrage (through) Laid-Back Outings). Think we need to stay local. Ja feel?

Idea:

Penthouse Party

Lets make this happen ladies. Who you kiss at New Years determines the rest of your entire year. Let’s make 2014 a winner.

Loves,

Ali

“All I can do is live in each moment. I don’t have control over tomorrow.” – Lindsay Lohan, interview with Oprah, August 2013

—-
To: Ali; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole S; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie (work)
From: Katie
Date: December 7, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Ladies,

Let me first of all say: where has the time gone?

Al – are you okay? I am so sorry to hear about you and Mike. I mean, let’s be honest, when you met him we all kind of were like, sure Ali, another UVA Lax bro with khakis and an overwhelming amount of Patagonia in his closet, what else is new (but really), but Mike really seemed different!! He was so patient with you <33 I am sorry he broke up with you…….wish I was there with you tonight to be your Charlotte if this was the episode where Carrie gets arrested for smoking weed post-post-it breakup lol. Love you. You will get through this!!!!!!!! Do you wanna do yoga? I forget, do you eat when you’re sad or starve when you’re sad???

In terms of New Years, I thought we were going to do something BIG and AMAZING this year…but CHOLOing sounds okay too…can we still wear sequins?????

xoxoxo,

Katie

So we put our hands up like the ceiling can’t hold us

Like the ceiling can’t hold us — MAckLE.MoRE

—-
To: Ali; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie (work)
From: Nicole
Date: December 7, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Ali + my babes,

Are you okay??? Should we do a brunch????

Nicole

—-
To: Nicole; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie (work)
From: Ali
Date: December 7, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Thanks girls 🙂 Honestly, I feel like Magic Mike when wore his smart glasses and got turned down for that loan and then he put all his energy into dancing his heart out to Ginuwine’s Pony, you know? Anyway, our New Years will be my Pony dance. So where do we stand on penthouse invites???

Ali

“Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.” – Carrie Bradshaw

—-
To: Nicole; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen; Ali
From: Gracie (work)
Date: December 7, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Aww, hope you’re ok. Did you get my text? Do you wanna get coffee later and talk? Seriously, we’ve all been through this.

For New Years – my friend Patrick is having a party at his apartment. We can all just stop by — it’s in Park Slope. Should be really fun and laid back. Cards of Humanity, anyone! 🙂

Just let me know who’s in, so I can give him a headcount!

Can’t wait,

Gracie

—-
To: Nicole; Allison; Gracie (work); Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen; Ali
From: [email protected]
Date: December 10, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Is Park Slope in Queens??

What if we did like, Meatpacking?

xoxoxox <3 xoxoxox

c h a r l o t t e

—-
To: [email protected]; Allison; Gracie (work); Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen; Ali
From: Nicole
Date: December 11, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Hi Girlies!!

I’ve sort of been overextending myself with the Christmas presents this year. Been hitting Gilt pretty hard BUT I am saving upwards of 10% versus the retail price so that’s good! But one of my resolutions was to live 1.5 times within my means. So I think Gracie’s friends party sounds perfect!!!

But at the same time meatpacking sounds SOOOO fun!! How many times are we gonna celebrate 2014 you know? Maybe I can qualify for a microloan?? Can Americans qualify too??

I’m so torn. It’s so hard to know how we should bring in 1/1 when we won’t know what Susan Miller says till 1/1 anyway. #AhhhIt’sSoHardIDon’tKnowWhatToDo #ButILoveMyBBs

Anyway, down for whatevs!

xo Nicole

—-
To: [email protected]; Allison; Gracie (work); Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen; Nicole
From: Ali
Date: December 12, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Aw, while I am nursing a wounded heart, it is so sweet how much you guys need me and want me to take control!!

OK, I’m thinking super low-key and I can’t even LOOK at guys now but, it’s NYE and OF COURSE we’ll want to bring it in with a midnight kiss and possible #OverThePantsHJs!

How about:

Macklemore at Dream Downtown (high chance for a Linds Lohan sighting — but do we really wanna open ourselves up to all that drama??)

Lounge at Tao Downtown??

Soho House?? Ehh, pretty Real Housewifey BUT we’ll be the youngest ones there??

Gracie’s Brooklyn option (Ubers will be like $1k to get back to civilization, but if you guys REALLY want to meet like graphic designers and bloggers, sadface but OK)

LMK by COB!

xoXinfinity,

Ali

“Well, when you sail on a boat fit for a bond villain, sometimes you need to play the part, right?” – Jordan Belfort, Wolf of Wall Street

“Thou shall leave history in the past” – Patti Stanger, Millionaire Matchmaker

—-
To: [email protected]; Allison; Gracie (work); Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Ali; Nicole
From: Jen
Date: December 13, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

I vote for Manhattan cause will be more fun and glamorous!! Plus it’s such a pain to get home. Let’s take Ubers then complain on twitter about the surge pricing and I’m sure they’ll refund us! Uber will not want our bad press–collectively we can leverage over 750+ social media impressions!

Possible hashtags:

#2013CANSUCKIT

#2014BetchesLOL

xx Jen!

—-
To: [email protected]; Allison; Jen; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Ali; Nicole
From: Gracie (work)
Date: December 13, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Hey all,

I think I may sit this New Year’s Eve out. There’s an 11:30pm-12:30am yoga class that I think might be fun, and then my sister is still in town from Christmas so I may meet her at a quiet bar uptown for a quick glass of champagne after.

Hope you all have fun!

Gracie

Ps – not sure the Uber plan will work, just looking out for you guys! it can get $$$.

—-

To: [email protected]; Allison; Jen; Caitlin; Ashley; Gracie (work); Morgan L.; Ali; Nicole
From: Katie
Date: December 14, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Gracie + Ladies,

Okay time for a Gracievention!

GIRL – didn’t you ever read your Susan Miller for the month? Mine was like “remember, how you spend New Year’s Eve is how you spend the REST OF THE FOLLOWING YEAR” so don’t you want to dance on tables instead of breathing your intentions?

I am all about the FELL (focus/energy/love(and)/light) but on New Year’s Eve I’m all about the al-al-al-al-al-alcohol.

That being said, I am sure some of us would love to go to yoga with you on New Year’s Day. I can’t make it because I have a brunch with work people but I wish I could!!

Okay – back to planning.

Gracie, does your sister have a hotel room she’s staying at??? Can we use it for a cute pre-game?????

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo & hearts.

k . a . t . i . e

—-
To: [email protected]; Allison; Jen; Caitlin; Ashley; Gracie (work); Katie; Ali; Nicole
From: Morgan
Date: December 14, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Ladies,

I scored invites for us all to a huge soiree at some tech founder’s Soho loft!!!! #You’reWelcome #2014WOOOOOOT #PeopleJustInviteMePlaces #SoFresh

Some deets!

I’m thinking mandatory sparkles! (I DON’T want to see bandage dresses!)

Photo Booth Pictures — should we do the Charlie’s Angels pose or SHOULD WE DO THE CHARLIE’S ANGELS POSE??! LOL!!!!

I know tech guys are kinda weak sauce, but maybe we’ll hang out with Winklevii types!!! Should we google what bitcoin is?? Does anyone know? Remember: anything VC is GOOD, anything back-end is BAD!

Gracie, you’re coming beb!! Just don’t wear jeans LOL!

YAYCANTWAITSOEXCITED

Morgan

—-
To: [email protected]; Allison; Jen; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan; Katie; Ali; Nicole
From: Gracie (work)
Date: December 14, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Ha! You girls are persistent! Everythings really crazy with the holidays right now, I’ll let you know when I’m back from visiting home! Let me know if anyone wants to go sledding in the park!

Gracie

—-

To: [email protected]; Allison; Jen; Caitlin; Ashley; Gracie (work); Katie; Ali; Nicole

From: Morgan

Date: December 31, 2013

Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Hey!!! Just found out there isn’t enough room for all of you at this tech party!!! :(((((( I have to still go but I’m sure you can find somewhere else!! It’s only 9p, so nothings even started yet!! Sorry girls sooooo sad we can’t all be together!!!!!!

Brunch tomorrow??!

Morgan!

—-
To: [email protected]; Allison; Jen; Caitlin; Ashley; Gracie (work); Katie; Ali; Morgan
From: Nicole
Date: December 31, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

WTF??! Just got this email when I got off the train!! Seriously??!!!

Welp, Plan B: Brother Jimmy’s!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR I LOVE YOU GIRLS SO MUCH!!!!!!

MWAH,

Nicole

ps – maybe we’ll meet boys tonight for Valentine’s Day!!

—-
To: [email protected]; Allison; Jen; Caitlin; Ashley; Gracie (work); Nicole; Ali; Morgan
From: Katie
Date: January 1, 2014
Subject: What happened?

Ladies, hello.

I went to New Year’s Day Yoga this morning and let me tell you, my intentions are strong, my breath, volatile, my chakra….is lined up. I have all of my thoughts lined up.

They are as follows:

Ali – Last night was really fun, and we missed you. Sorry that the party you invited us to was exclusive and we weren’t able to join you.

Nicole – I want to say what the hell? Honestly like I get it when Ali does stuff like that but I really expected more from you. This is a new year and I have a feeling we’re starting it off with a lot of tension. So can you please explain what your thought process was when you ditched the rest of us for Ali?

Girls feel free to chime in with a reply all. I am so sick of sitting on the bleachers while the rest of the world is out on the field.

I’m taking stock of my life.

Kind Regards,

Katie

—-
To: [email protected]; Allison; Jen; Caitlin; Ashley; Gracie (work); Katie; Ali; Morgan
From: Nicole
Date: January 1, 2014
Subject: What happened?

The earth has completed its cycle around the sun.

It is a new day, for having fun.

A new year.

And I am seeing it all so clear.

~a haiku written by moi!

Hey Katie,

I feel calm and centered and extremely resolution driven and positive. I did not “ditch” you for “Ali.” Ali snapped me and her party looked way more fun than our night at Brother Jimmy’s so I went to meet her. I tried to ask if you wanted to come with but you were hooking up with one of the Josh’s so I just left.

I’m feeling really positive and I think I’m still on E.

If you’re still upset, then let’s deal with this directly on facebook message.

xx Nicole

—-
To: [email protected]; Allison; Jen; Caitlin; Ashley; Gracie (work); Katie; Nicole; Morgan
From: Ali
Date: January 1, 2014
Subject: What happened?

First email of 2014! Wooooot!

How was everyone’s night?? Happy New Year LOLOL! I can’t believe how cray last night got it was so REDIC. How was Bro J’s?? I’m sooOOOoooo jealous!!!

God January is just like so unrelenting already. Does anyone have extra Xanax or Cialis or anything?

Gracie – are you ok??!!!???!!!! Haven’t heard from you at all. The holidays can be really tough. Did you even go out last night?? I know you went to Wesleyan where there’s no football teams and everyone plays frisbee but there’s a concept called RALLYING we used to do in college. I’m really worried about you. Please write back.

Happy New Year!!!! <3

Ali

“I’ll be the one you won’t forget” – Pitbull + Ke$ha

—-
To: [email protected]; Allison; Jen; Caitlin; Ashley; Ali; Katie; Nicole; Morgan
From: Gracie (work)
Date: January 6, 2014
Subject: What happened?

Hey everyone!

Happy 2014!

So I wanted to let you know I think you guys are great. You’ve been nothing but kind and inviting and inclusive to me, and I am so, so, so appreciative of this. It’s always hard moving to a new city where you don’t know a ton of people so I really am touched that you guys have always gone out of your way to send me email invites to hang outs.

But I am starting to get the feeling that it’s a little…like high school in a way. I mean think about it. We’re all grown ups with jobs and responsibilities! But sometimes it feels like we’re 16 again, arguing over parties, and guys, and who’s being mean to who and why.

It’s a little overwhelming for me. For context, I used to be regarded as the mean girl in HS, but it was exhausting. For the last 10 years I’ve tried to rework my behavior to make sure I never regress back to the kinds of things I did in HS (try to boss people around, make everything about me, treat having a boyfriend like it was a competition I had to win). I totally understand you guys are close, and have been for years. I know I’m the newbie so it makes sense that you’re all more comfortable projecting your frustrations out on each other with limited fear of fall-out. But for me, I personally don’t know if this group is a good fit. And on the other side, I’m probably not the best fit for you guys either! I am a homebody at heart, lol! We’re all different, and that’s what makes us interesting. Not everyone was meant to be your best friend, ya know? I didn’t want you guys to think I was insulting you if I stopped coming to parties or responding to emails. I just wanted to be honest (definitely one of MY 2014 things!).

I hope everyone is having a great start to 2014, and I hope you all make up soon! You guys are too close to let something silly like a party come between you.

All best 🙂

Grace

—-
To: [email protected]; Allison; Jen; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Nicole; Morgan
From: Ali
Date: January 7, 2014
Subject: What happened?

Wow. I can’t say I’m surprised.

Grace is a traitor. She moved here and we LITERALLY breathed life into her…We brought her places, introduced her to people, and tried to help her. I feel like she was the Tai to our Cher.

You know I love you girls like my sisters/ interns I take under my wing. I just can’t believe how CRAZY Grace is being. I mean, right?? I feel bad for her. Some girls just can’t be friends with other women.

Anyway, our 2014 is going to be the best yet!!! I will rise like a phoenix from these ashes of disappointment and live my best life like Oprah says. I feel more mature than ever and really excited about life.

K, I’m gonna upload pics where Gracie looks really bad and tag her in them!!!

S-THAT-D for V-day #GirlsNight babes!!!

xoxoxo,

Ali

“I just wish you would get it that this is not ok behavior for a friend.” – Lena Dunham, Girls

—-

Tags: caroline moss, hey ladies, humor, michelle markowitz, the shudder of recognition

Michelle Markowitz & Caroline Moss

118 Comments

anachronistique +203 January 21, 2014 3:10 pm

GRACIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LET’S THROW HER A VICTORY PARADE.

also, “Anyway, our New Years will be my Pony dance.” made my face do some incredible don’t-cackle-at-the-office contortions.

tekkah +23 January 21, 2014 5:21 pm

GO GRACIE GO!

carmencicero +55 January 21, 2014 3:29 pm

I LOVE the quotes each girl uses under her emails. The Lena Dunham one at the end is so perfect.

Also: will there still be more Hey Ladies emails, even after Gracie is gone?? I think there’s great potential for Nicole to overthrow Ali.

Owl Queen +65 January 21, 2014 3:38 pm

Still think charlotte.smith857 is just waiting, collecting information in order to blackmail the other LADIESSSS!!!!/stage a coup,

Maybe her and Gracie will meet each other after this, go out for a nice herbal tea together and build a friendship that is easy-going and sweet and calm, that involves a lot of hanging out at each others houses and doing yoga together.
1. EPWordsnatcher +31 January 21, 2014 4:49 pm
  
  I just realized that this email chain features CHARLOTTE SPEAKING.
  1. dakimel +48 January 21, 2014 5:00 pm
    
    Not ONLY speaking, but signing off in a stupid way (space between each letter) that caused follow-along Katie to also sign off in a stupid way (space period space between each letter) which she then totally dropped when no one else picked up on it.
    
    GENIUS human-observational stuff, Michelle Markowitz & Caroline Moss
mollpants +36 January 21, 2014 3:44 pm

There will be a NICOLE/ALI SHOWDOWN in the future. Although I think it’ll passive-aggressively build through accidental “Reply All”s.
SmrtCookie +39 January 21, 2014 3:57 pm

Valentine’s Day is coming… A Nicole/Ali bloodbath would be festive!
TheAntiHumorEquation +13 January 21, 2014 6:40 pm

I dunno, I don’t think I can read these without being able to invest in the dream that Gracie gets free. Without her, it’s just terrible people being terrible to each other, no hope.
1. steampunk sparrow +14 January 21, 2014 7:47 pm
  
  Oh, I’m sure some poor, unsuspecting intern will start seeing bizarre emails pop up in her work account any day now!

emily_white +234 January 21, 2014 3:30 pm

Mike really seemed different!! He was so patient with you <33

This. This line is a masterpiece, crystallizing the essence of the Hey Ladies ladies.

EPWordsnatcher +23 January 21, 2014 4:02 pm

YES. It is a beautiful jewel, shining in a sea of crazy.
icebergmama +17 January 21, 2014 5:28 pm

yep that is my most treasured line from this masterpiece!
hugpunch +11 January 21, 2014 5:53 pm

I lost it at that line. So perfect.
yasaman +10 January 21, 2014 8:42 pm

I had to take a moment to marvel at that line. So perfect!

JocastaCarr +99 January 21, 2014 3:31 pm

Gracie made it out alive!!!!! And nothing says romance like a midnight kiss and possible #OverThePantsHJs.

safvn +28 January 21, 2014 3:39 pm

GO GRACIE GO
EPWordsnatcher +26 January 21, 2014 4:08 pm

That hashtag made me snort audibly at my office, and I kind of managed to cover it up as a sneeze.
1. dakimel +14 January 21, 2014 5:01 pm
  
  I didn’t. My snort was too vociferous to be covered.
2. JocastaCarr +6 January 21, 2014 7:23 pm
  
  My reaction exactly, only my office is empty so I was able to give full voice to my snort.
hugpunch +14 January 21, 2014 5:53 pm

#FreeGracie

angryporcupine +100 January 21, 2014 3:33 pm

“it’s in Park Slope. Should be really fun and laid back. Cards of Humanity, anyone!”

This is exactly what I did on New Year’s, and it was the best. No shame, Gracie.

mollpants +34 January 21, 2014 3:45 pm

“OMG you went to QUEENS for NYE??? 🙁 🙁 :(”

#channeling my inner Ali

#that sounds like actually the best time though.
SarahDances +18 January 21, 2014 3:59 pm

I stayed in with 3 other people, and we drank cava and played Scattergories. It was magnificent.
annacperl +23 January 21, 2014 4:41 pm

My husband works for the post office & was in bed by 10:30, so I stayed up with my parents watching Law & Order reruns and drinking champagne in my pajamas. PERFECT.
1. abbeyroadmedley +15 January 21, 2014 6:13 pm
  
  Haha, my boyfriend and I did the same thing, except we were watching Night Court and Frasier. I fell asleep on the couch at about 11, and then woke up in a panic at midnight because I heard firecrackers and teenagers screaming.
  1. annacperl +8 January 21, 2014 6:18 pm
    
    I’ve celebrated many a NYE on La Paz or Newfoundland time, just to get it over with. Year before last we had a pre-game party for everyone who was going out, and then they left at 10 and it was great!

laciwest +104 January 21, 2014 3:34 pm

I just realized how deeply invested I have been in Gracie’s journey. Also just realized that a midnight yoga class followed by champagne is my platonic ideal of a NYE.

JocastaCarr +103 January 21, 2014 3:35 pm

Also, I am truly mystified as to how a combo The Art of War/Why Men Love Bitches/October Cosmo’s “How To Keep A Man Interested Using These 40 BJ Tips” could have failed to win over any man, much less Lax bro Mike.

EPWordsnatcher +32 January 21, 2014 4:03 pm

All will be revealed when her memoirs are made into a Lifetime Original Movie starring Jennifer Love Hewitt.
1. SmrtCookie +10 January 21, 2014 4:15 pm
  
  OMG, JLH could be Ali’s mom!! One of the girls from Girls or GTFO!!
  
  But yes, I would watch that movie either way.
  1. dakimel +14 January 21, 2014 5:04 pm
    
    Ali would not put up with anyone making the casting call for her. She’ll choose her own actor, and then say a million things about her (‘but she’s amazing and sooo pretty so don’t read anything into this LOL!’)
2. JocastaCarr +3 January 21, 2014 7:23 pm
  
  Bahaha, of course it would be JLH. Perfection.

aravisthequeen +90 January 21, 2014 3:35 pm

Some girls just can’t be friends with other women. Hahahaha BRB SOBBING with the truth. (Not the truth that “some girls can’t be friends with other women,” the truth of how awful it is that some people believe that. That truth.)

dakimel +30 January 21, 2014 5:05 pm

THAT was my absolute favorite line of all the wonderful lines in this exchange, for all the same reasons.

This is exactly how that group would interpret Gracie’s departure. EXACTLY.

Owl Queen +102 January 21, 2014 3:35 pm

GRACIE RUN RUN FREE GRACIE NEVER LOOK BACK.

mollpants +73 January 21, 2014 3:43 pm

Guys I was included on an email chain for someone’s birthday party this weekend

One girl helping to organize it HAD AN INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE IN HER SIGNATURE

I died. not sure if she’s Nicole or Ali yet, though, but we will certainly see. (I hope she’s actually a Gracie with some surface-Ali tendencies though!)

EPWordsnatcher +29 January 21, 2014 4:03 pm

WHAT WAS THE QUOTE. We’ll tell you which one she is.
1. mollpants +27 January 21, 2014 4:38 pm
  
  “Even if others don’t believe in your dream, always follow it. One day you will make it become reality.” (unattributed)
  
  I kind of wish the last word was formatted like * r e a l i t y . *
  1. EPWordsnatcher +54 January 21, 2014 4:47 pm
    
    I think you might have a Katie–vaguely persecuted, yet inspirational. Taking Control of her own life, etc.
annacperl +19 January 21, 2014 4:43 pm

My last job was at an insurance agency where all the agents were dudes and all the secretaries were ladies (siiiiiiigh), and was treated to an inspirational-quote-laden email chain about “what we were doing for Bosses’ Day.” Which I managed to turn passive-aggressive by saying “uhm, nothing,” whereupon another assistant was like “Maybe we should do something together so all the guys can be included.”

I don’t have this job anymore.
1. tubatoothpaste +18 January 21, 2014 5:02 pm
  
  Wait, WTF, “Bosses’ Day” is a thing?!?
  1. dakimel +12 January 21, 2014 5:08 pm
    
    It is. It’s in October. Someone gave my sister a plant, and nothing for me, which is a change from every other year when no one gave us anything, cause Bosses Day is dumb. (But dumber that sis got something and I didn’t, cause I’m the nice one; I deserve stuff and she doesn’t.) (That’s petty sister stuff, not work stuff. Not that we always separate the two.)
  2. msjinxie +69 January 21, 2014 5:11 pm
    
    It is the bullshittiest of all bullshit fake holidays. I mean, c’mon! EVERY DAY is Bosses Day. Because, you know, BOSSES.
    1. tubatoothpaste +68 January 21, 2014 5:17 pm
      
      Oh my godddd it’s like someone gave in and let the people who are all “but what about white history month?” make a holiday 🙁
    2. annacperl +20 January 21, 2014 5:18 pm
      
      RIGHT? I’d heard of it, but was staggered by the notion that anyone would actually celebrate it.
      
      I’d only had culture-y jobs before (writing, indie bookselling), and that gig was an unwelcome education in Office Bullshit. Like, meetings where dudes with pocket square used the phrase “think outside the box” and no one burst out laughing. The holiday party (which I missed due to the illness that forced me to quit) was Vegas-themed! At the country club!
    3. tubatoothpaste +52 January 21, 2014 5:22 pm
      
      I’d heard of “Administrative Assistants Day”, so probably some asshole was like “Wait, there’s a day when I have to buy my secretary a card/gift but not one where she has to buy something for MEEE?!!”

supernintendo +93 January 21, 2014 3:45 pm

I mean, this is as great as I knew it would be, but I think my favorite line is the opener about sending “save the dates” for New Year’s Eve.

EPWordsnatcher +24 January 21, 2014 4:03 pm

That flew right over my head the first time, but you’re right, it’s perfect.
chnellociraptor +4 January 21, 2014 4:39 pm

That absolutely killed me.

rkfire +87 January 21, 2014 3:45 pm

I know you went to Wesleyan where there’s no football teams and everyone plays frisbee but there’s a concept called RALLYING we used to do in college.

lololololol

corfay +170 January 21, 2014 3:48 pm

gracie is taking to the sea

slowseptember +32 January 21, 2014 3:58 pm

beeee freee gracieeeee (I picture her running into the surf and being spirited away by dolphins)
1. Bittersweet +18 January 21, 2014 6:23 pm
  
  How great would it be if dolphins did yoga and played Cards against Humanity?
  
  (Actually, it doesn’t matter because dolphins are amazing just as dolphins, but you know…)
  1. EPWordsnatcher +34 January 21, 2014 7:45 pm
    
    Dolphins are terrifying and will kill us all one day. For fun.
    1. shevralay +31 January 21, 2014 11:57 pm
      
      Had an animal behavior class in college which was basically, “Dolphins are super bright! They work in groups to murder and sexually assault other animals!” :((((( So yes, agreed.

actualmeg +41 January 21, 2014 3:57 pm

GRACIE I’M SO PROUD OF YOU

mattielubchansky +12 January 21, 2014 4:00 pm

i went to stagedoor manor for a summer and it is my most shameful memory

everyone hated me! so i guess that was a good sign.

mollpants +3 January 21, 2014 4:34 pm

I went to Long Lake which may be more embarrassing since it’s like the off-brand rich kids theater camp.
aekessler +2 January 21, 2014 8:21 pm

HOW CAN YOU BE ASHAMED OF THAT??!?! It sounds awesome. Or well, to a girl who watched Camp more times than she should have as a teen.
mslizwatson +3 January 22, 2014 10:45 pm

HEY CAMPERS! WHAT TIME IS IT?

TIME TO RE-EVALUATE OUR PRIORITIES!

I went to Stagedoor two summers, immediately abandoned the musical theatre track after the first day when I realized it was populated with little Mussolinis and had a much happier time with the weird-but-relatively-more-grounded drama kids. What years were you there? What shows did you do?

rangiferina +12 January 21, 2014 4:01 pm

YEAH GRACIE.

(might have done a fist pump. maybe.)

tubatoothpaste +12 January 21, 2014 4:01 pm

Yesss Revenge of Gracie!

EPWordsnatcher +35 January 21, 2014 4:06 pm

Katie’s “Ladies, hello” email reeks of a special blend of superiority and hangover.

hugpunch +31 January 21, 2014 5:57 pm

It’s that perfect pitch of feeling superior BECAUSE of the hangover, like: Wow, I’ve totally re-evaluated all my life choices because I feel so shitty this morning, so I am now a much better person because I’m on the path of RIGHTEOUSNESS!

Elizabeth W +131 January 21, 2014 4:08 pm

I have never been so proud of a fictional character from a recurring feature on a website as I am of Gracie right now. You live your best life, Gracie. You have fun at your midnight yoga class. You enjoy your low-key glass of champagne with your sister who’s probably just like a really sweet, kinda dorky technical writer who’s totally overwhelmed by the city, but wanted to come spend time with her sis for the holidays.

dakimel +53 January 21, 2014 5:14 pm

but if you guys REALLY want to meet like graphic designers and bloggers, sadface but OK

I hope Gracie & sis went & wore jeans & had #OverThePantsHJs from some very sweet graphic designers after their yoga class.

logicbutton +81 January 21, 2014 4:10 pm

You know I love you girls like my sisters/ interns I take under my wing.

LYLAI

missellabell +8 January 21, 2014 4:20 pm

GRACIEEEEEEEEEEEE

MalloryOrtberg +146 January 21, 2014 4:20 pm

i have to read these through my fingers

beatrizcentury +12 January 21, 2014 7:43 pm

I had to run down here and take a break because I just want to get Gracie outta this thread. Also because, “graphic designers”, oh man, split me in half.

leider_hosen +45 January 21, 2014 4:20 pm

GRACIE!!! *giant sigh of relief for a fictional character on the internet*

ALSO can we talk about that haiku? (“haiku”)

dakimel +20 January 21, 2014 5:16 pm

That ‘haiku’ was sweet
like cherry blossoms in snow
on a New Year’s Day

sarah +18 January 21, 2014 4:24 pm

“ja feel?”

ahhhhhhhhhhahaha

wrappedupinbooks +21 January 21, 2014 4:27 pm

but… but… WHO WILL WE ROOT FOR NOW????

Bittersweet +3 January 21, 2014 6:26 pm

This Jen lady never says anything, so maybe she’s the next to break free?
1. mbculver +6 January 22, 2014 1:40 am
  
  Or was Jen horrible in a previous installment? I can’t remember aaaaaaahhhhh….
  
  ETA: OK, I just re-read and saw Jen’s one-and-only email, and never mind.

Battle_Swine +47 January 21, 2014 4:35 pm

CHOLO, though.

nightsstar +10 January 21, 2014 5:46 pm

slayed

bustedsneakers +32 January 21, 2014 4:40 pm

GRAAAAACIEEEEEE well done for writing a full letter! I can’t believe you didn’t just ask to be Left Off The BCC. My personal theory is that charlotte.smith857 has a filter set up so she never sees these until she needs them for forwarding amusement. WELL DONE GRACIE/this one was so much less gutting than normal.

cosmia +16 January 21, 2014 4:41 pm

TRIUMPHANTLY YELLING IN MY HEAD WHEN I READ GRACIE’S LAST EMAIL

chnellociraptor +43 January 21, 2014 4:45 pm

THANK GOD, GRACIE.

I actually hate Ali more than I hate real people who have wronged me. I’m not sure I could hate her more if she strangled a puppy. I feel like the revelation that she played Mimi at Stagedoor Manor (has anyone else read the excellent book about that place?) explains absolutely everything about her and I am fully justified in hating her guts until one or both of us is dead, preferably at the other’s hand.

bustedsneakers +4 January 21, 2014 4:53 pm

Also that detail is _masterful_.
aekessler +2 January 21, 2014 8:24 pm

What book? I really want to read it.
1. chnellociraptor +3 January 21, 2014 8:42 pm
  
  Theater Geek by Mickey Rapkin. It reads more like a longform article than a book, but it’s fast-paced and fun and it’s the best of both summer camp stories and backstage dramas.
  1. aekessler +1 January 21, 2014 9:41 pm
    
    Thank you! It sounds exactly like the kind of thing I would enjoy. 🙂

NicoleCliffe +98 January 21, 2014 4:46 pm

Like the ceiling can’t hold us — MAckLE.MoRE

NicoleCliffe +28 January 21, 2014 4:46 pm

THAT IS ALL.
1. Elizabeth +36 January 22, 2014 2:12 am
  
  I liked that song much better when I thought the lyrics were “like a coelacanth [something].”

chickpeas +25 January 21, 2014 4:47 pm

the creeping sense of terror I got from all previous installments of this was totally worth it to see Gracie go free. Come sit down by me, Gracie.

Frumiosa +10 January 21, 2014 4:47 pm

You go, Gracie. God, being friends with actual women like this must be straight-up exhausting.

lightle +12 February 16, 2014 2:22 am

Yes it is. I was a Grace. They called me Megz and I hated it. They told me what to wear and what to say, how to act, it was horrible. I had to leave Vancouver.

elsamac +98 January 21, 2014 4:56 pm

ARGGGGGGGH every single time I almost don’t read these because they make me feel so not-good and every single time I end up reading them and feeling not-good anyhow, and then YAY BE FREE GRACIE! RUN!

When Gracie started being so honest instead of doing a slow fade, I thought “This is so in-my-20s; honesty does not require you to express these thoughts completely. You can leave this situation without suffering the blowback you will get if you tell them how they act.”

Then I realized that Gracie’s honesty serves the same function as the third act in a long con, when you stage the shoot-out over the money and the mark runs away convinced everyone’s dead. It keeps them from ever coming back looking for you. NICE WORK, GRACIE.

large_marge +29 January 21, 2014 5:13 pm

Oh my God oh my God the ditching for a better party but ‘oops, sorry, just for me, you can’t come, see ya bye!’ and the last email at the end are just too close to the fallout I had with my best friend in undergrad. I’ve got a space reserved for me in Hell because I didn’t help other women, you guys.

safvn +62 January 21, 2014 5:16 pm

The outpouring of vocal and heartfelt support for Gracie in this comment thread (and subsequent recognition of how invested we have become in her well-being) really sums up my ultra-positive feelings about The Toast.

dakimel +80 January 21, 2014 5:19 pm

I love how even Ali’s fondest minions saw through It was 10000% mutual.

figwiggin +22 January 21, 2014 5:26 pm

I actually gasped when Gracie came out with it. GRACIEEE.

tekkah +22 January 21, 2014 5:28 pm

Oh my god, that haiku that isn’t a haiku. I was CRACKING UP.

I am so proud of Gracie, guys. RUN, GRACIE, RUN FOREVER! NEVER LOOK BACK!

icebergmama +58 January 21, 2014 5:30 pm

#OverThePantsHJs! I was very confused as to how a head job could work over pants and then realized it was hand job, but the mental image of futile lips against unrelenting khakis will stay with me for some time.

deleted9457019 +21 January 21, 2014 6:01 pm

“so many jobs…”
AmazingSandwich +9 January 21, 2014 8:00 pm

I’m so glad you confirmed this is what it meant, since googling it just brought up a bunch of stuff about motorcycle leathers!
Claracluxxx +4 January 22, 2014 11:46 pm

I figured it stood for High Jinx ! 🙂

Alli525 +31 January 21, 2014 5:40 pm

I read “should we do a brunch?” and LITERALLY recoiled in horror. At my desk. Good thing it was lunch time and everyone in my immediate vicinity was out in the slush grabbing food…

robotneedslove +57 January 21, 2014 5:43 pm

FOR THE RECORD I think it is an error to conflate being horrible with wanting to put on some fucking sparkles and do a bit of E and drink a lot of champagne. I like stimulation, ok guys?

Ginny +27 January 22, 2014 6:51 am

The horribleness is not in what they do but how passive-aggressive, insensitive, image-obsessed, and insincere they are as they do it. The sparkles etc. are mere accessories to their horribleness, and could easily go with a much more pleasant sort of person.

nightsstar +69 January 21, 2014 5:49 pm

I really like that Gracie is a reformed Mean Girl!

Chrisbookarama +13 January 21, 2014 6:02 pm

Good for Gracie! She’s got more guts than I though. I think Charlotte wants to say something but also just wants people to like her so just goes along with things. That’s my theory anyway.

mmejoy +2 January 21, 2014 6:21 pm

Luh you, Gracie.

deleted2845473 +7 January 21, 2014 7:14 pm

I have for the most part managed to stay far, far away from people like this in life, so I don’t really get the “shudder of recognition.” But I HAVE been meaning to google what bitcoin is.

combledore +3 January 21, 2014 7:43 pm

This is the best thing to happen to me today.

aekessler +21 January 21, 2014 8:28 pm

I love how the conflict solving is through a private Facebook message. Like, seriously?

These people are terrible, but I am so thankful to have the moral superiority that it has brought me.

bustedsneakers +20 January 21, 2014 10:48 pm

OMFG I just noticed that at the end she goes from being “Gracie” to Grace. JUST GRACE.

you guys, these torments.

signifiers January 22, 2014 12:26 am

"Xanax or Cialis or anything"

Bittersweet January 22, 2014 1:40 am

Or was Jen horrible in a previous installment? I can't remember aaaaaaahhhhh….

ETA: OK, I just re-read and saw Jen's one-and-only email, and never mind.

yrpretendfriend +8 January 22, 2014 2:03 am

Definitely said “ahh yesss” out loud for a new hey ladies. I love you toast don’t ever leave me.

Also: “I’m feeling really positive and I think I’m still on E.”

David +4 January 22, 2014 10:15 pm

I read this post and thought it was hilarious and wished there was more. Then I looked at the comments and realized this is a series; very excited to go back and read the rest of this story.

Anon January 31, 2014 7:18 pm

Nothing brings me greater joy than reading the hot mess that is this imaginary friendship.

lightle +6 February 16, 2014 2:18 am

Oh my god, wow. This scares me because this was almost exactly my life when I lived in Vancouver and part of the reason I knew I had to move away was because of my friendships. They weren’t bad people, we were just so different. I was basically Gracie and our New Year’s a few years ago is eerily similar to some of the options described here. I wrote a letter very similar to the one Gracie wrote (on facebook message) and it was not well received. Wow, this is great.

anachronistique +203 January 21, 2014 3:10 pm

GRACIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LET’S THROW HER A VICTORY PARADE.

also, “Anyway, our New Years will be my Pony dance.” made my face do some incredible don’t-cackle-at-the-office contortions.
1. tekkah +23 January 21, 2014 5:21 pm
  
  GO GRACIE GO!
carmencicero +55 January 21, 2014 3:29 pm

I LOVE the quotes each girl uses under her emails. The Lena Dunham one at the end is so perfect.

Also: will there still be more Hey Ladies emails, even after Gracie is gone?? I think there’s great potential for Nicole to overthrow Ali.
1. Owl Queen +65 January 21, 2014 3:38 pm
  
  Still think charlotte.smith857 is just waiting, collecting information in order to blackmail the other LADIESSSS!!!!/stage a coup,
  
  Maybe her and Gracie will meet each other after this, go out for a nice herbal tea together and build a friendship that is easy-going and sweet and calm, that involves a lot of hanging out at each others houses and doing yoga together.
  1. EPWordsnatcher +31 January 21, 2014 4:49 pm
    
    I just realized that this email chain features CHARLOTTE SPEAKING.
    1. dakimel +48 January 21, 2014 5:00 pm
      
      Not ONLY speaking, but signing off in a stupid way (space between each letter) that caused follow-along Katie to also sign off in a stupid way (space period space between each letter) which she then totally dropped when no one else picked up on it.
      
      GENIUS human-observational stuff, Michelle Markowitz & Caroline Moss
2. mollpants +36 January 21, 2014 3:44 pm
  
  There will be a NICOLE/ALI SHOWDOWN in the future. Although I think it’ll passive-aggressively build through accidental “Reply All”s.
3. SmrtCookie +39 January 21, 2014 3:57 pm
  
  Valentine’s Day is coming… A Nicole/Ali bloodbath would be festive!
4. TheAntiHumorEquation +13 January 21, 2014 6:40 pm
  
  I dunno, I don’t think I can read these without being able to invest in the dream that Gracie gets free. Without her, it’s just terrible people being terrible to each other, no hope.
  1. steampunk sparrow +14 January 21, 2014 7:47 pm
    
    Oh, I’m sure some poor, unsuspecting intern will start seeing bizarre emails pop up in her work account any day now!
emily_white +234 January 21, 2014 3:30 pm

Mike really seemed different!! He was so patient with you <33

This. This line is a masterpiece, crystallizing the essence of the Hey Ladies ladies.
1. EPWordsnatcher +23 January 21, 2014 4:02 pm
  
  YES. It is a beautiful jewel, shining in a sea of crazy.
2. icebergmama +17 January 21, 2014 5:28 pm
  
  yep that is my most treasured line from this masterpiece!
3. hugpunch +11 January 21, 2014 5:53 pm
  
  I lost it at that line. So perfect.
4. yasaman +10 January 21, 2014 8:42 pm
  
  I had to take a moment to marvel at that line. So perfect!
JocastaCarr +99 January 21, 2014 3:31 pm

Gracie made it out alive!!!!! And nothing says romance like a midnight kiss and possible #OverThePantsHJs.
1. safvn +28 January 21, 2014 3:39 pm
  
  GO GRACIE GO
2. EPWordsnatcher +26 January 21, 2014 4:08 pm
  
  That hashtag made me snort audibly at my office, and I kind of managed to cover it up as a sneeze.
  1. dakimel +14 January 21, 2014 5:01 pm
    
    I didn’t. My snort was too vociferous to be covered.
  2. JocastaCarr +6 January 21, 2014 7:23 pm
    
    My reaction exactly, only my office is empty so I was able to give full voice to my snort.
3. hugpunch +14 January 21, 2014 5:53 pm
  
  #FreeGracie
angryporcupine +100 January 21, 2014 3:33 pm

“it’s in Park Slope. Should be really fun and laid back. Cards of Humanity, anyone!”

This is exactly what I did on New Year’s, and it was the best. No shame, Gracie.
1. mollpants +34 January 21, 2014 3:45 pm
  
  “OMG you went to QUEENS for NYE??? 🙁 🙁 :(”
  
  #channeling my inner Ali
  
  #that sounds like actually the best time though.
2. SarahDances +18 January 21, 2014 3:59 pm
  
  I stayed in with 3 other people, and we drank cava and played Scattergories. It was magnificent.
3. annacperl +23 January 21, 2014 4:41 pm
  
  My husband works for the post office & was in bed by 10:30, so I stayed up with my parents watching Law & Order reruns and drinking champagne in my pajamas. PERFECT.
  1. abbeyroadmedley +15 January 21, 2014 6:13 pm
    
    Haha, my boyfriend and I did the same thing, except we were watching Night Court and Frasier. I fell asleep on the couch at about 11, and then woke up in a panic at midnight because I heard firecrackers and teenagers screaming.
    1. annacperl +8 January 21, 2014 6:18 pm
      
      I’ve celebrated many a NYE on La Paz or Newfoundland time, just to get it over with. Year before last we had a pre-game party for everyone who was going out, and then they left at 10 and it was great!
laciwest +104 January 21, 2014 3:34 pm

I just realized how deeply invested I have been in Gracie’s journey. Also just realized that a midnight yoga class followed by champagne is my platonic ideal of a NYE.
JocastaCarr +103 January 21, 2014 3:35 pm

Also, I am truly mystified as to how a combo The Art of War/Why Men Love Bitches/October Cosmo’s “How To Keep A Man Interested Using These 40 BJ Tips” could have failed to win over any man, much less Lax bro Mike.
1. EPWordsnatcher +32 January 21, 2014 4:03 pm
  
  All will be revealed when her memoirs are made into a Lifetime Original Movie starring Jennifer Love Hewitt.
  1. SmrtCookie +10 January 21, 2014 4:15 pm
    
    OMG, JLH could be Ali’s mom!! One of the girls from Girls or GTFO!!
    
    But yes, I would watch that movie either way.
    1. dakimel +14 January 21, 2014 5:04 pm
      
      Ali would not put up with anyone making the casting call for her. She’ll choose her own actor, and then say a million things about her (‘but she’s amazing and sooo pretty so don’t read anything into this LOL!’)
  2. JocastaCarr +3 January 21, 2014 7:23 pm
    
    Bahaha, of course it would be JLH. Perfection.
aravisthequeen +90 January 21, 2014 3:35 pm

Some girls just can’t be friends with other women. Hahahaha BRB SOBBING with the truth. (Not the truth that “some girls can’t be friends with other women,” the truth of how awful it is that some people believe that. That truth.)
1. dakimel +30 January 21, 2014 5:05 pm
  
  THAT was my absolute favorite line of all the wonderful lines in this exchange, for all the same reasons.
  
  This is exactly how that group would interpret Gracie’s departure. EXACTLY.
Owl Queen +102 January 21, 2014 3:35 pm

GRACIE RUN RUN FREE GRACIE NEVER LOOK BACK.
mollpants +73 January 21, 2014 3:43 pm

Guys I was included on an email chain for someone’s birthday party this weekend

One girl helping to organize it HAD AN INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE IN HER SIGNATURE

I died. not sure if she’s Nicole or Ali yet, though, but we will certainly see. (I hope she’s actually a Gracie with some surface-Ali tendencies though!)
1. EPWordsnatcher +29 January 21, 2014 4:03 pm
  
  WHAT WAS THE QUOTE. We’ll tell you which one she is.
  1. mollpants +27 January 21, 2014 4:38 pm
    
    “Even if others don’t believe in your dream, always follow it. One day you will make it become reality.” (unattributed)
    
    I kind of wish the last word was formatted like * r e a l i t y . *
    1. EPWordsnatcher +54 January 21, 2014 4:47 pm
      
      I think you might have a Katie–vaguely persecuted, yet inspirational. Taking Control of her own life, etc.
2. annacperl +19 January 21, 2014 4:43 pm
  
  My last job was at an insurance agency where all the agents were dudes and all the secretaries were ladies (siiiiiiigh), and was treated to an inspirational-quote-laden email chain about “what we were doing for Bosses’ Day.” Which I managed to turn passive-aggressive by saying “uhm, nothing,” whereupon another assistant was like “Maybe we should do something together so all the guys can be included.”
  
  I don’t have this job anymore.
  1. tubatoothpaste +18 January 21, 2014 5:02 pm
    
    Wait, WTF, “Bosses’ Day” is a thing?!?
    1. dakimel +12 January 21, 2014 5:08 pm
      
      It is. It’s in October. Someone gave my sister a plant, and nothing for me, which is a change from every other year when no one gave us anything, cause Bosses Day is dumb. (But dumber that sis got something and I didn’t, cause I’m the nice one; I deserve stuff and she doesn’t.) (That’s petty sister stuff, not work stuff. Not that we always separate the two.)
    2. msjinxie +69 January 21, 2014 5:11 pm
      
      It is the bullshittiest of all bullshit fake holidays. I mean, c’mon! EVERY DAY is Bosses Day. Because, you know, BOSSES.
      1. tubatoothpaste +68 January 21, 2014 5:17 pm
        
        Oh my godddd it’s like someone gave in and let the people who are all “but what about white history month?” make a holiday 🙁
      2. annacperl +20 January 21, 2014 5:18 pm
        
        RIGHT? I’d heard of it, but was staggered by the notion that anyone would actually celebrate it.
        
        I’d only had culture-y jobs before (writing, indie bookselling), and that gig was an unwelcome education in Office Bullshit. Like, meetings where dudes with pocket square used the phrase “think outside the box” and no one burst out laughing. The holiday party (which I missed due to the illness that forced me to quit) was Vegas-themed! At the country club!
      3. tubatoothpaste +52 January 21, 2014 5:22 pm
        
        I’d heard of “Administrative Assistants Day”, so probably some asshole was like “Wait, there’s a day when I have to buy my secretary a card/gift but not one where she has to buy something for MEEE?!!”
supernintendo +93 January 21, 2014 3:45 pm

I mean, this is as great as I knew it would be, but I think my favorite line is the opener about sending “save the dates” for New Year’s Eve.
1. EPWordsnatcher +24 January 21, 2014 4:03 pm
  
  That flew right over my head the first time, but you’re right, it’s perfect.
2. chnellociraptor +4 January 21, 2014 4:39 pm
  
  That absolutely killed me.
rkfire +87 January 21, 2014 3:45 pm

I know you went to Wesleyan where there’s no football teams and everyone plays frisbee but there’s a concept called RALLYING we used to do in college.

lololololol
corfay +170 January 21, 2014 3:48 pm

gracie is taking to the sea
1. slowseptember +32 January 21, 2014 3:58 pm
  
  beeee freee gracieeeee (I picture her running into the surf and being spirited away by dolphins)
  1. Bittersweet +18 January 21, 2014 6:23 pm
    
    How great would it be if dolphins did yoga and played Cards against Humanity?
    
    (Actually, it doesn’t matter because dolphins are amazing just as dolphins, but you know…)
    1. EPWordsnatcher +34 January 21, 2014 7:45 pm
      
      Dolphins are terrifying and will kill us all one day. For fun.
      1. shevralay +31 January 21, 2014 11:57 pm
        
        Had an animal behavior class in college which was basically, “Dolphins are super bright! They work in groups to murder and sexually assault other animals!” :((((( So yes, agreed.
actualmeg +41 January 21, 2014 3:57 pm

GRACIE I’M SO PROUD OF YOU
mattielubchansky +12 January 21, 2014 4:00 pm

i went to stagedoor manor for a summer and it is my most shameful memory

everyone hated me! so i guess that was a good sign.
1. mollpants +3 January 21, 2014 4:34 pm
  
  I went to Long Lake which may be more embarrassing since it’s like the off-brand rich kids theater camp.
2. aekessler +2 January 21, 2014 8:21 pm
  
  HOW CAN YOU BE ASHAMED OF THAT??!?! It sounds awesome. Or well, to a girl who watched Camp more times than she should have as a teen.
3. mslizwatson +3 January 22, 2014 10:45 pm
  
  HEY CAMPERS! WHAT TIME IS IT?
  
  TIME TO RE-EVALUATE OUR PRIORITIES!
  
  I went to Stagedoor two summers, immediately abandoned the musical theatre track after the first day when I realized it was populated with little Mussolinis and had a much happier time with the weird-but-relatively-more-grounded drama kids. What years were you there? What shows did you do?
rangiferina +12 January 21, 2014 4:01 pm

YEAH GRACIE.

(might have done a fist pump. maybe.)
tubatoothpaste +12 January 21, 2014 4:01 pm

Yesss Revenge of Gracie!
EPWordsnatcher +35 January 21, 2014 4:06 pm

Katie’s “Ladies, hello” email reeks of a special blend of superiority and hangover.
1. hugpunch +31 January 21, 2014 5:57 pm
  
  It’s that perfect pitch of feeling superior BECAUSE of the hangover, like: Wow, I’ve totally re-evaluated all my life choices because I feel so shitty this morning, so I am now a much better person because I’m on the path of RIGHTEOUSNESS!
Elizabeth W +131 January 21, 2014 4:08 pm

I have never been so proud of a fictional character from a recurring feature on a website as I am of Gracie right now. You live your best life, Gracie. You have fun at your midnight yoga class. You enjoy your low-key glass of champagne with your sister who’s probably just like a really sweet, kinda dorky technical writer who’s totally overwhelmed by the city, but wanted to come spend time with her sis for the holidays.
1. dakimel +53 January 21, 2014 5:14 pm
  
  but if you guys REALLY want to meet like graphic designers and bloggers, sadface but OK
  
  I hope Gracie & sis went & wore jeans & had #OverThePantsHJs from some very sweet graphic designers after their yoga class.
logicbutton +81 January 21, 2014 4:10 pm

You know I love you girls like my sisters/ interns I take under my wing.

LYLAI
missellabell +8 January 21, 2014 4:20 pm

GRACIEEEEEEEEEEEE
MalloryOrtberg +146 January 21, 2014 4:20 pm

i have to read these through my fingers
1. beatrizcentury +12 January 21, 2014 7:43 pm
  
  I had to run down here and take a break because I just want to get Gracie outta this thread. Also because, “graphic designers”, oh man, split me in half.
leider_hosen +45 January 21, 2014 4:20 pm

GRACIE!!! *giant sigh of relief for a fictional character on the internet*

ALSO can we talk about that haiku? (“haiku”)
1. dakimel +20 January 21, 2014 5:16 pm
  
  That ‘haiku’ was sweet
  like cherry blossoms in snow
  on a New Year’s Day
sarah +18 January 21, 2014 4:24 pm

“ja feel?”

ahhhhhhhhhhahaha
wrappedupinbooks +21 January 21, 2014 4:27 pm

but… but… WHO WILL WE ROOT FOR NOW????
1. Bittersweet +3 January 21, 2014 6:26 pm
  
  This Jen lady never says anything, so maybe she’s the next to break free?
  1. mbculver +6 January 22, 2014 1:40 am
    
    Or was Jen horrible in a previous installment? I can’t remember aaaaaaahhhhh….
    
    ETA: OK, I just re-read and saw Jen’s one-and-only email, and never mind.
Battle_Swine +47 January 21, 2014 4:35 pm

CHOLO, though.
1. nightsstar +10 January 21, 2014 5:46 pm
  
  slayed
bustedsneakers +32 January 21, 2014 4:40 pm

GRAAAAACIEEEEEE well done for writing a full letter! I can’t believe you didn’t just ask to be Left Off The BCC. My personal theory is that charlotte.smith857 has a filter set up so she never sees these until she needs them for forwarding amusement. WELL DONE GRACIE/this one was so much less gutting than normal.
cosmia +16 January 21, 2014 4:41 pm

TRIUMPHANTLY YELLING IN MY HEAD WHEN I READ GRACIE’S LAST EMAIL
chnellociraptor +43 January 21, 2014 4:45 pm

THANK GOD, GRACIE.

I actually hate Ali more than I hate real people who have wronged me. I’m not sure I could hate her more if she strangled a puppy. I feel like the revelation that she played Mimi at Stagedoor Manor (has anyone else read the excellent book about that place?) explains absolutely everything about her and I am fully justified in hating her guts until one or both of us is dead, preferably at the other’s hand.
1. bustedsneakers +4 January 21, 2014 4:53 pm
  
  Also that detail is _masterful_.
2. aekessler +2 January 21, 2014 8:24 pm
  
  What book? I really want to read it.
  1. chnellociraptor +3 January 21, 2014 8:42 pm
    
    Theater Geek by Mickey Rapkin. It reads more like a longform article than a book, but it’s fast-paced and fun and it’s the best of both summer camp stories and backstage dramas.
    1. aekessler +1 January 21, 2014 9:41 pm
      
      Thank you! It sounds exactly like the kind of thing I would enjoy. 🙂
NicoleCliffe +98 January 21, 2014 4:46 pm

Like the ceiling can’t hold us — MAckLE.MoRE
1. NicoleCliffe +28 January 21, 2014 4:46 pm
  
  THAT IS ALL.
  1. Elizabeth +36 January 22, 2014 2:12 am
    
    I liked that song much better when I thought the lyrics were “like a coelacanth [something].”
chickpeas +25 January 21, 2014 4:47 pm

the creeping sense of terror I got from all previous installments of this was totally worth it to see Gracie go free. Come sit down by me, Gracie.
Frumiosa +10 January 21, 2014 4:47 pm

You go, Gracie. God, being friends with actual women like this must be straight-up exhausting.
1. lightle +12 February 16, 2014 2:22 am
  
  Yes it is. I was a Grace. They called me Megz and I hated it. They told me what to wear and what to say, how to act, it was horrible. I had to leave Vancouver.
elsamac +98 January 21, 2014 4:56 pm

ARGGGGGGGH every single time I almost don’t read these because they make me feel so not-good and every single time I end up reading them and feeling not-good anyhow, and then YAY BE FREE GRACIE! RUN!

When Gracie started being so honest instead of doing a slow fade, I thought “This is so in-my-20s; honesty does not require you to express these thoughts completely. You can leave this situation without suffering the blowback you will get if you tell them how they act.”

Then I realized that Gracie’s honesty serves the same function as the third act in a long con, when you stage the shoot-out over the money and the mark runs away convinced everyone’s dead. It keeps them from ever coming back looking for you. NICE WORK, GRACIE.
large_marge +29 January 21, 2014 5:13 pm

Oh my God oh my God the ditching for a better party but ‘oops, sorry, just for me, you can’t come, see ya bye!’ and the last email at the end are just too close to the fallout I had with my best friend in undergrad. I’ve got a space reserved for me in Hell because I didn’t help other women, you guys.
safvn +62 January 21, 2014 5:16 pm

The outpouring of vocal and heartfelt support for Gracie in this comment thread (and subsequent recognition of how invested we have become in her well-being) really sums up my ultra-positive feelings about The Toast.
dakimel +80 January 21, 2014 5:19 pm

I love how even Ali’s fondest minions saw through It was 10000% mutual.
figwiggin +22 January 21, 2014 5:26 pm

I actually gasped when Gracie came out with it. GRACIEEE.
tekkah +22 January 21, 2014 5:28 pm

Oh my god, that haiku that isn’t a haiku. I was CRACKING UP.

I am so proud of Gracie, guys. RUN, GRACIE, RUN FOREVER! NEVER LOOK BACK!
icebergmama +58 January 21, 2014 5:30 pm

#OverThePantsHJs! I was very confused as to how a head job could work over pants and then realized it was hand job, but the mental image of futile lips against unrelenting khakis will stay with me for some time.
1. deleted9457019 +21 January 21, 2014 6:01 pm
  
  “so many jobs…”
2. AmazingSandwich +9 January 21, 2014 8:00 pm
  
  I’m so glad you confirmed this is what it meant, since googling it just brought up a bunch of stuff about motorcycle leathers!
3. Claracluxxx +4 January 22, 2014 11:46 pm
  
  I figured it stood for High Jinx ! 🙂
Alli525 +31 January 21, 2014 5:40 pm

I read “should we do a brunch?” and LITERALLY recoiled in horror. At my desk. Good thing it was lunch time and everyone in my immediate vicinity was out in the slush grabbing food…
robotneedslove +57 January 21, 2014 5:43 pm

FOR THE RECORD I think it is an error to conflate being horrible with wanting to put on some fucking sparkles and do a bit of E and drink a lot of champagne. I like stimulation, ok guys?
1. Ginny +27 January 22, 2014 6:51 am
  
  The horribleness is not in what they do but how passive-aggressive, insensitive, image-obsessed, and insincere they are as they do it. The sparkles etc. are mere accessories to their horribleness, and could easily go with a much more pleasant sort of person.
nightsstar +69 January 21, 2014 5:49 pm

I really like that Gracie is a reformed Mean Girl!
Chrisbookarama +13 January 21, 2014 6:02 pm

Good for Gracie! She’s got more guts than I though. I think Charlotte wants to say something but also just wants people to like her so just goes along with things. That’s my theory anyway.
mmejoy +2 January 21, 2014 6:21 pm

Luh you, Gracie.
deleted2845473 +7 January 21, 2014 7:14 pm

I have for the most part managed to stay far, far away from people like this in life, so I don’t really get the “shudder of recognition.” But I HAVE been meaning to google what bitcoin is.
combledore +3 January 21, 2014 7:43 pm

This is the best thing to happen to me today.
aekessler +21 January 21, 2014 8:28 pm

I love how the conflict solving is through a private Facebook message. Like, seriously?

These people are terrible, but I am so thankful to have the moral superiority that it has brought me.
bustedsneakers +20 January 21, 2014 10:48 pm

OMFG I just noticed that at the end she goes from being “Gracie” to Grace. JUST GRACE.

you guys, these torments.
signifiers January 22, 2014 12:26 am

"Xanax or Cialis or anything"
Bittersweet January 22, 2014 1:40 am

Or was Jen horrible in a previous installment? I can't remember aaaaaaahhhhh….

ETA: OK, I just re-read and saw Jen's one-and-only email, and never mind.
yrpretendfriend +8 January 22, 2014 2:03 am

Definitely said “ahh yesss” out loud for a new hey ladies. I love you toast don’t ever leave me.

Also: “I’m feeling really positive and I think I’m still on E.”
David +4 January 22, 2014 10:15 pm

I read this post and thought it was hilarious and wished there was more. Then I looked at the comments and realized this is a series; very excited to go back and read the rest of this story.
Anon January 31, 2014 7:18 pm

Nothing brings me greater joy than reading the hot mess that is this imaginary friendship.
lightle +6 February 16, 2014 2:18 am

Oh my god, wow. This scares me because this was almost exactly my life when I lived in Vancouver and part of the reason I knew I had to move away was because of my friendships. They weren’t bad people, we were just so different. I was basically Gracie and our New Year’s a few years ago is eerily similar to some of the options described here. I wrote a letter very similar to the one Gracie wrote (on facebook message) and it was not well received. Wow, this is great.

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