Hey Ladies: Baby Shower!

173 Comments

1. houblonchouffe +41 May 6, 2015 3:07 pm

   yes yes yes yes yessssssss

   1. pancakesmom +12 May 6, 2015 3:19 pm

      I’ve been waiting and waiting!

2. friendofdaja +73 May 6, 2015 3:10 pm

   I just got sucked into one of these email groups for my cousin’s book club…….ughhhh, I never realized how true it all was, right down to the “bloody vs. mimmi”

   1. houblonchouffe +74 May 6, 2015 3:58 pm

      One day last month I noticed an unread message in my “other” FB inbox and it turned out to be a VERY ACCURATE Hey Ladies email thread about a bachelorette party. I had been added to the conversation in error (my cousin and I have the same name, and these were her friends, not mine) so I didn’t know any of them, and it was absolutely hysterical. Sample:

      Hi ladies! I am looking forward to seeing you all and celebrating in Chicago together! [Name] has been working on planning fun events and activities for our bachelorette so it should be a good time.

      [Name] and I started designing some t-shirts for all of us to wear next weekend, and hopefully she will be ordering those by tonight so they will arrive on time. If you could all please let me know what size you would like her to order for you that would be great They are cotton American Apparel v-necks (unisex) and in my experience run a tad on the smaller size but overall true to your usual t-shirt size. I provided a link to the basic shirt if you guys would like to refer to their size chart or read reviews. If possible, please let us know by tonight what size works best for you.

      Thanks in advance!! Excited for the festivities to come haha

      I got these for two weeks. They are INCREDIBLE. (I have to assume they don’t read The Toast, because there’d be a level of self-awareness if they did, right…?)

      1. Frumiosa +31 May 6, 2015 4:33 pm

         MOAR PLZ

         1. houblonchouffe +71 May 6, 2015 4:37 pm

            Opening salvo, really ought to have started here:

            Hello ladies,

            I hope you are all doing fabulous! As most of you probably know by now, I am trying to plan out this bachelorette party (or “Hen Party” as they say in England) for my sister [Name], who deserves the best possible party I am capable of putting together for her. I hope all of you are able to come, however, if you are not able to come, for whatever reason, (but I am hoping you all can because it will make her party THAT much better if all her good friends are there) please let me know in this group message because I am trying to make the reservations necessary for a nice weekend to come.

            I know some of you are also getting married very soon and things are crazy on your end as well, but I hope that we can make this work for [Name]. (Congratulations to you ladies by the way!)

            Location: Chicago
            Date: [date]

            Looking forward to a great weekend with all of you. In addition, I am open to any ideas pertaining to things to do pertaining to that weekend!

            Please let me know as soon as possible!

            Love,

            [Name]

            Ideas pertaining to things to do pertaining to that weekend. I absolutely lost it.

            1. irishbreakfasttime +47 May 6, 2015 4:40 pm

               OMG, this is a thing of beauty. The absolute lack of even a lil hint about what it might cost, just in case that might have a wee bit of bearing on whether someone can participate in a whole WEEKEND that requires RESERVATIONS, might be my favorite part.

            2. kilks401 +39 May 6, 2015 4:49 pm

               I don’t worry too much about word choice in emails to friends, but “ideas pertaining to things to do pertaining” is pretty amazing.

            3. sausagedog +58 May 6, 2015 4:52 pm

               The line between fiction and reality is so,
               so,
               so thin sometimes.

            4. houblonchouffe +18 May 6, 2015 4:56 pm

               Isn’t it incredible? I just sat back and watched it unfold and started counting the seconds until the next Hey Ladies went up.

            5. gigi +3 May 6, 2015 11:37 pm

               Please, more!

            6. Derp +12 June 5, 2015 12:51 am

               AS THEY SAY IN ENGLAND

3. aravisthequeen +112 May 6, 2015 3:13 pm

   This is so painful it makes me want to cry. It’s everything horrid about baby showers all at once.

   Though I am surprised none of the Ladies went in for a gender reveal party, aka another ridiculous excuse for a gift grab and the kind of thing no one but your mom really cares about. I feel like at least one would have gone for a “hundred pink balloon release” or something else horrid.

   1. ppyajunebug +84 May 6, 2015 3:16 pm

      I’m just waiting for the email chain where they discuss what she should get as a push present.

   2. sausagedog +78 May 6, 2015 3:58 pm

      “If it’s a girl, you crack open the papier mache egg and inside is a rose gold and pink diamond Tiffany ID bracelet, and if it’s a boy, it’s a Patek Philippe watch!”

      1. rkfire +45 May 6, 2015 4:17 pm

         Yes, that is exactly what this crowd would do for a gender reveal party.

         ::shudders:

         Do we know whether or not Ali is really a human avatar of Cthulhu?

         1. projectbeks +41 May 6, 2015 5:51 pm

            I am now picturing Cthulhu wearing an Hermés scarf.

   3. mittenstheboar +18 May 6, 2015 8:45 pm

      thank you. I hate the idea of gender reveal parties with a surprisingly fiery passion.
      I mean, I’ll go, and I’ll be nice, and I’m sorry if you love them, I just hatehatehatehate that oh, look, here’s yet another damn thing I have to do because Pinterest says so.

4. ppyajunebug +108 May 6, 2015 3:13 pm

   I WAS SO WORRIED WE WOULDN’T GET ANY WEIRD AND INAPPROPRIATE EMAIL LYRIC SIGNATURES AND THEN:

   “Bitch, I got no feelings to go. I swear I’ve had it up to here I got no ceilings to go. I mean for real. Fuck how you feel.” ~ Big Sean

   PERFECTION.

   As more and more people I know have babies, this becomes more and more like my life. I would not at all be surprised to find a prenatal rainforest sounds yoga class around here. Not even a little bit.

   1. projectbeks +49 May 6, 2015 3:30 pm

      I would not be surprised to find one near me, either, but I would also totally go to a rainforest sounds yoga class, prenatal or not.

      1. sfbeee +49 May 6, 2015 6:02 pm

         agreed. although a realistic rainforest-sounds class would have to include some piercing monkey screams, and i can’t stop giggling about the prospect of it.

         1. Apollonia +15 May 8, 2015 4:48 am

            Now I really want to start a Forest Moon of Endor sounds yoga class. It would be epic and slightly nerve-wracking.

   2. Hadrosaur +12 May 7, 2015 3:11 pm

      I love that she used that email signature while uninviting Jen’s yoga friends from the shower.

5. wallofillusion +147 May 6, 2015 3:14 pm

   Reactions so far:
   – “Oh no, I don’t think I can handle this” at seeing the title
   – Eyes widening to a truly comical size at “I think my sister-in-law’s shower came in at under 15k.”

   1. wallofillusion +43 May 6, 2015 3:15 pm

      as well as flinching at every lmk and “meet”

   2. bgprincipessa +22 May 6, 2015 3:29 pm

      My eyes started to widen just at the mention of a shower planner with a company name and everything… I’m too scared to research if those really exist. (ugh, I’m sure they do)

   3. stirringsofconsciousness +12 May 6, 2015 5:14 pm

      I started hyperventilating as soon as I saw the title on Twitter.

6. robot_dinosaur +136 May 6, 2015 3:16 pm

   “Does anyone know if there’s a way to unsend a text??”

   1. robot_dinosaur +95 May 6, 2015 3:18 pm

      I just love Nicole; she is never going to get it together.

      1. bgprincipessa +89 May 6, 2015 3:23 pm

         She’s taken up bikini waxes and jean purses. Give her some credit.

         1. Unreadaethel +23 May 7, 2015 2:22 am

            She’s trying to earn her own money, which is an exciting first step. I remember the “regrettable etsy creations” phase of my unemployment.

   2. irishbreakfasttime +39 May 6, 2015 3:45 pm

      that’s where I lost it, the non-sequiturs are my favorite Hey Ladies feature

   3. 2for1cheesecake +31 May 6, 2015 6:34 pm

      Bless Nicole and her real-life concerns. How DO you unsend a text?

7. ramina +195 May 6, 2015 3:20 pm

   I was so afraid at the culture clash between the OG friends and the new baby ones but it seems like they all fit together just fine. Like a puzzle put together upside down so all you can see is the cardboard back.

   1. v_d_budenmayer +39 May 6, 2015 3:46 pm

      Props for the most beautiful metaphor I’ve ever read.

8. bgprincipessa +165 May 6, 2015 3:22 pm

   “Kennedy-Cuomo” almost knocked me out of my seat. So subtle and so good.

   1. meetapossum +15 May 6, 2015 3:39 pm

      That’s where I died.

   2. kilks401 +17 May 6, 2015 3:58 pm

      I laughed so hard at that. and of course she’s going to be in Sag Harbor.

   3. BobOfSeals +27 May 6, 2015 4:00 pm

      I lost it at “Kennedy- Cuomo” and had to walk away from my desk.

   4. houblonchouffe +14 May 6, 2015 4:03 pm

      holy shit I didn’t even notice that. AMAZING.

9. katiemcgillicuddy +113 May 6, 2015 3:22 pm

   I go back and forth between “I want to die” and “I want to kill” every time I read one of these. Please never stop writing them, you twisted geniuses.

10. desiraeo +32 May 6, 2015 3:24 pm

    This is so true that I almost had to close the tab because the baby-shower-planning PTSD is SO. REAL. Except add in not one, but BOTH grandmothers-to-be.

    Also this is amazing and I love it, PTSD be damned.

    1. writingortyping +20 May 6, 2015 4:05 pm

       I hate baby showers with the fury of ten thousand white-hot suns. I both enjoyed this and it gave me serious anxiety.

11. rangiferina +40 May 6, 2015 3:27 pm

    “Please advise.” oh godddd

12. pancakesmom +45 May 6, 2015 3:27 pm

    Oh my gosh I didn’t think it would be possible for someone to make up characters that make me cringe more than the original chain…nice job

13. mmcoulston +260 May 6, 2015 3:29 pm

    I am eating for two also: myself, and also my future self.

    <3<3<3<3<3<3

14. sarahsaysssoo +57 May 6, 2015 3:32 pm

    fave thing – so many things but i love that sophie included her last name and on the next email maggie made a note to do so too

15. Emily +68 May 6, 2015 3:34 pm

    I could not be happier to welcome back the Ladies. My favorite line might be, “Does anyone know if there’s a way to unsend a text??” I love you so much, Nicole.

    Also, my eyes literally bulged when first reading cause I thought Ali was pregnant.

    1. slowseptember +15 May 6, 2015 5:03 pm

       RIGHT?! I can’t wait to see what happens if Ali ever procreates.

16. sausagedog +74 May 6, 2015 3:36 pm

    Oh my gosh oh my gosh. The “meet” quotes. The escalating condescension from both the mommy vs. not-mommy camps. The “pre-natal sounds-of-the-rainforest yoga class.”

    My eyebrows are through the roof and I only just finished the first page. I love this series.

    1. sausagedog +76 May 6, 2015 3:41 pm

       “Since I’ve been juicing for two I can barely think straight.”

       I scream-gasped. That is the coup de grace of this chain.

    2. irishbreakfasttime +44 May 6, 2015 3:49 pm

       MMHM. I saw the title and thought “how many ‘just wait til you have kids!’ lines will we get in here, my eyes are already rolling at the thought.” Then I saw the not-mommy condescension and was properly chastised. Gotta hear both sides (of douchebaggery).

17. paddlepickle +97 May 6, 2015 3:39 pm

    It is probably a really bad sign that this reminded me that I need to reply to a group thread about a bachelorette party requesting we change the location.

    INTO THE HEY LADIES ABYSS.

    1. naglayaxuliganka +23 May 6, 2015 3:55 pm

       Godspeed! Damn that shudder of recognition.

    2. blunderbusst +15 May 7, 2015 12:02 am

       Don’t die.

18. tubatoothpaste +188 May 6, 2015 3:47 pm

    “Saw something on Facebook this weekend about dirt being found on certain vegetables?”
    😀

19. v_d_budenmayer +27 May 6, 2015 3:47 pm

    I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR WHAT FEELS LIKE AN ETERNITY AND THIS WAS SO WORTH IT

20. sorrycassandra +193 May 6, 2015 3:50 pm

    my hubbs and I are really into unisex names

    Aieeee, so many feelings.
    (a) does the “boys’ names on girls are SO CUTE BUT STRONG” crowd even name boys Ryan anymore? Because I feel like they’d have to come up with something hyper-masculine to disambiguate, like Hunter or Ace or Ihaveapenis
    (b) on the one hand, I approve in principle of messing with the gender binary, so why not name a girl Ryan, and who even knows what the kid’s gender is going to be anyway, for reals
    (c) but as usual, people only mess with the gender binary in one direction, so unless you’d actually be willing to name your son Katie, I’m not listening

    1. celyse +72 May 6, 2015 4:00 pm

       Snorted coffee at “Ihaveapenis.” “OHMIGAWWWD you guys it’s like, a tribal name? No, I don’t know what tribe. What? No, neither of us have tribal affiliations. Why are you being so JUDGEMENTAL?”

    2. irishbreakfasttime +37 May 6, 2015 4:08 pm

       “Hubbs” with two B’s. I know some folks haaaaate the phase “the hubs” and it doesn’t really bug me but hubbs just set off some mental nails/chalkboard thing.

    3. gloriana232 +79 May 6, 2015 4:56 pm

       I could totally picture an adorable girl named Hunter or Ace.

       Alternative suggested hypermasculine names: Boris, Rosco, Titus, Rhaegar.

       1. Mrs_Peel +80 May 6, 2015 5:08 pm

          “We named her Roscoe, after Fatty Arbuckle”.

       2. Munchlette_Belle +20 May 6, 2015 7:12 pm

          I actually feel like I knew of several girls growing up who were called Hunter.

          1. celery +16 May 6, 2015 7:25 pm

             My little sister had a female best friend named Hunter in elementary school, and I was always really envious of that name as a slightly-older elementary schooler.

    4. maggiegrift +92 May 6, 2015 5:26 pm

       YESSSS “gender-bending” only one way is a clear example of preferring masculinity!

       Like, “it makes sense for girls to aspire to masculinity, because duh, but only a real wimp boy should have anything pink or be named anything girly”

    5. RoseCamelia +45 May 6, 2015 6:24 pm

       I heard a woman calling to a child in pink, frilly socks, and patent Mary Janes, “Hunter, don’t get mud on your dress!”

    6. RoseCamelia +69 May 6, 2015 6:26 pm

       How about reclaiming names that were once masculine-only? Like Beverly, Evelyn, Leslie, Whitney, Morgan. Give those to boys today and see what happens.

       1. mrtafadhali +61 May 6, 2015 8:01 pm

          I am a big fan of this, honestly — Sidney! Meredith!

          Of course, I also like to unnerve my parents and more traditional friends by saying things like, “Well, for a boy I’m thinking Abner, but I’d call him Abbie. You know, like Abbie Hoffman.”*

          * I do actually like the old-fashioned name Abner and the girly nickname Abbie, but I will admit I am also kind of trolling.

          1. haleysh +19 May 6, 2015 9:49 pm

             YES. My grandpa’s middle name is Lindsey, I’ll circulate that one for future male children in our family.

       2. secondursula +27 May 6, 2015 9:14 pm

          I am pulling for Vivian as the name for a future son. It’s actually more reasonable than my husband’s suggestions, so it has a fighting chance.

          1. 1sic1 +25 May 6, 2015 9:27 pm

             If you have even the slightest hint of French ancestry, you could push for Vivien (which is a legit boy’s name) and get really huffy if anyone questions it.

             1. secondursula +30 May 6, 2015 9:35 pm

                I was just a Young Ones fan who cannot quite commit to the Vyvyan spelling,

             2. RoseCamelia +13 May 6, 2015 10:40 pm

                Or insist on the French pronunciation of Daniel. Identical to the sound of Danielle.

             3. builtahouse +12 May 7, 2015 4:20 am

                YUP as a Danielle who lived overseas for part of my tweenagerhood, I found out the fun way that like literally every European country except FRANCE spells it Daniella for a girl.

                It’d go like: “what’s your name?”, “Danielle”, “*confused pause*…no that’s a boy’s name.”, “no, DanIELLE.” “Yes, that’s a boy’s name.” “*frustrated pause*…just call me Daniella.”

                (also yay on all the old-fashioned feminine names for boys.)

21. kilks401 +146 May 6, 2015 3:50 pm

    “Jen swore me to secrecy ” I can barely get past this part!!!!!!!

    1. kilks401 +89 May 6, 2015 4:00 pm

       also, Maggie asking to buy a pic of the other lady’s husbands junk?? Did I read that right?!? D:

       1. BessieMaeMucho +44 May 6, 2015 4:09 pm

          Eh, knowing Ali, it’s some guy she met last week, and she has already determined that HE IS THE ONE.

          1. kilks401 +13 May 6, 2015 4:17 pm

             not much better, but still, better.

22. irishbreakfasttime +68 May 6, 2015 3:52 pm

    “we can use all the top babies from current times as well as yesteryear”

    Also, I’m kinda into the idea of pre-gaming and Shake Shack and crashing prenatal rainforest sounds yoga. Maybe while a wee bit stoned? It sounds hilarious.

    1. irishbreakfasttime +43 May 6, 2015 5:16 pm

       wait I posted this AN HOUR AGO and only just realized I was describing the Broad City episode I didn’t know I needed to see.

       1. sfbeee +16 May 6, 2015 6:04 pm

          OH MY GOD YOU GENIUS

23. irishbreakfasttime +54 May 6, 2015 3:57 pm

    ALSO ‘one of the last true surprises you get in life.’ How cute.

    And I’m so afraid to find out that directing the aesthetics of a circumcision is actually a [rich New Yorkers???] thing. Is it?

    1. sorrycassandra +45 May 6, 2015 4:03 pm

       I have no idea, but I was really expecting a circumcision flame war to break out.

       1. evieskye +120 May 6, 2015 4:23 pm

          It’s a doberman, let it have its ears

          1. houblonchouffe +16 May 6, 2015 4:30 pm

             +15

       2. irishbreakfasttime +49 May 6, 2015 4:37 pm

          Which would have been ironic, since you can tell Ali has zero interest in the baby, she just needed a pretext to talk about dicks. “Can we take this discussion of cultural and medical norms offline please???”

       3. 2for1cheesecake +15 May 6, 2015 6:37 pm

          Yes! At the first mention of circumcision I leaned back in my chair and rolled up my sleeves, waiting for the (pubic) fur to fly.

    2. paddlepickle +38 May 6, 2015 5:17 pm

       Well, I do have a rich New Yorker cousin who, in a conversation about the ethics of circumsizing my nephew, said ‘I mean you have to, he’d be a social outcast otherwise’.

       She’s getting married soon and works in fashion so in a few years I should have an update on whether Karl Lagerfeld is involved in designing her son’s circumcision.

       1. Unreadaethel +17 May 7, 2015 8:53 pm

          What social circles does she travel in that foreskin becomes that important a part of one’s reputation?

24. Frumiosa +45 May 6, 2015 3:58 pm

    I was so excited that I haven’t even read this yet but I had to say that I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY EVER SINCE JEN GOT ENGAGED. ALL MY DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE.

25. SmrtCookie +72 May 6, 2015 3:59 pm

    How did I become sympathetic to Ali?? HOW???

    1. gentlehangovers +106 May 6, 2015 4:40 pm

       I know! I cheered silently at this: “I am eating for two also: myself, and also my future self. And I would like her to be as fierce as possible.”
       ALARMING.

       1. v_d_budenmayer +42 May 6, 2015 8:49 pm

          Between that and the passive-aggressive theft of the perineum massage, Ali was pretty boss in this one

          1. irishbreakfasttime +16 May 6, 2015 9:18 pm

             It’s pretty much what’s happening in Mad Men right now. You thought SCDP was awful, but then you meet McCann and you’re like “Pete, Roger, you guys are paragons of respect and kindness and I want to see you stick it to `em.”

          2. Unreadaethel +11 May 7, 2015 2:26 am

             It’s like she has these moments of insight into how ridiculous everything is.

    2. blunderbusst +14 May 7, 2015 12:06 am

       Is Ali…us?

26. sednarea51 +94 May 6, 2015 4:00 pm

    “perineum massage”
    

    1. Ayelle +23 May 6, 2015 5:32 pm

       Pretty sure Ali does not know what that means ahahaaahaaaaahaa

27. AllonsyAllonso +87 May 6, 2015 4:01 pm

    All I have to say is, “Margaret Kennedy-Cuomo”. That is some of the best and subtlest shade. I feel like Maggie and Ali could really go toe to toe and have the “nicest” (really meanest) email message chain. I would love to see that!

    1. maggiegrift +11 May 6, 2015 5:28 pm

       I’m a dolt, but can you explain that joke to me?

       1. irishbreakfasttime +39 May 6, 2015 5:46 pm

          “Maggie [Powerful National Political Dynasty Family]-[Powerful New York Political Dynasty Family]”

          1. maggiegrift +6 May 6, 2015 6:27 pm

             thank you!

          2. cuminafterall +18 May 6, 2015 8:29 pm

             Also, Andrew Cuomo was married to Kerry Kennedy for 15 years… but none of their kids is named Margaret so it’s not libel!

          3. Apollonia +7 May 8, 2015 4:55 am

             I thought Cuomo was a reference to Rivers from Weezer, which IMO would have been so much more impressive.

28. Vanessa +8 May 6, 2015 4:16 pm

    I have been waiting for this for MONTHS and I am not disappointed.

29. rkfire +18 May 6, 2015 4:19 pm

    Planning the circumcision of your future son if your baby is indeed a son.

    !!!!

    1. RoseCamelia +14 May 6, 2015 6:29 pm

       I’m just trying to imagine how I’d feel if the doctor asked me what *style* of circumcision I wanted for my son. I think my jaw would hit the floor.

30. grumblyqueer +79 May 6, 2015 4:21 pm

    “But if you pregame Shake Shack beforehand I’m sure some of you could pull off at least 3 months.” Shade? Not shade? My RuPaul experience says Total Bitch Mode, but she might actually believe it’s nice???

    1. 2for1cheesecake +31 May 6, 2015 6:37 pm

       Murder-shade.

31. annieleeroth +140 May 6, 2015 4:21 pm

    “I know a bunch of you aren’t married yet, so it’s so sweet you want to help out with planning this! It’s so hard to keep in touch with your friends that aren’t married and don’t have kids, you’ll see. So it’s super cute you girls :)”

    oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god

    1. houblonchouffe +12 May 6, 2015 6:02 pm

       yeeeep

32. jessiknewso +32 May 6, 2015 4:25 pm

    All of the nice to “meet/e-meet” in the email had me dying but Nicole’s gem of “Does anyone know if there’s a way to unsend a text??” absolutely killed me.

33. kouredios +39 May 6, 2015 4:39 pm

    I just found out my cousin’s having a gender reveal party. I don’t know how to respond to this information.

    1. paddlepickle +105 May 6, 2015 5:19 pm

       Do they make greeting cards that say “I hope you educate yourself on gender issues before your kid comes out as trans?”

    2. gloriana232 +86 May 6, 2015 5:29 pm

       Be the person at the party explaining the difference between gender and sex!!

       1. paddlepickle +96 May 6, 2015 5:32 pm

          And insist that if they must, they at least ought to refer to it as a Genitalia Reveal Party.

          1. SmrtCookie +42 May 6, 2015 5:55 pm

             I’m picturing them opening up a large box and penis or vulva balloons floating out. That’s a party I could get behind. (Maybe. Probably not.)

             1. Abanthis +14 May 7, 2015 5:04 pm

                Have you read Ancillary Sword by Ann Leckie, because it does indeed feature a Genitalia Festival, with seasonal garlands, balloons, and sweets.

       2. kouredios +29 May 6, 2015 6:17 pm

          I’m not even going, thank goodness, because she’s out of town. I DID try to subvert the whole thing in conversation by saying, “You should just put ‘healthy’ in the envelope and take that out and read it, because everyone says they don’t care what gender, right? Just that the baby’s healthy?” But they mostly just thought that would be a funny way to prank their partygoers. *sigh*

          ETA: also, because ‘healthy’ is the only think the ultrasound tells you for sure anyway, FFS.

    3. Frumiosa +42 May 6, 2015 5:43 pm

       Gender reveal party. As if they know what the fuck gender their kid is.

    4. deleted1508189 +79 May 6, 2015 7:09 pm

       Sex reveal party: let us show you how this baby got made
       D:

    5. combledore +8 May 6, 2015 10:03 pm

       Chilly silence.

34. majesticweave +96 May 6, 2015 4:42 pm

    Wait, wait, WHERE IS [email protected]????? Did she fall dead of a heart attack at SoulCycle? Did Ali kill her with a LUSH bath bomb, like a newfangled Jawbreaker? I MUST KNOW

    1. stirringsofconsciousness +27 May 6, 2015 5:17 pm

       she’s not on the chain, but she was invited to Ali’s party!

    2. sfbeee +56 May 6, 2015 6:06 pm

       all i want is an entire email intervention about charlotte’s lack of commitment to the group
       WHO IS SHE, TELL ME EVERYTHING, I MUST KNOW

       1. Unreadaethel +50 May 7, 2015 2:30 am

          Charlotte has a complex system of filters set up. She checks them every month or so, just so she can pretend she’s still invested in the group and is totally paying attention to everyone else’s life. She also didn’t tell any of the ladies when she got a new phone, so they’re actually sending dick pics to some random dude in Boise.

          1. tinypaperme +11 May 7, 2015 8:21 pm

             perfection

    3. Elizabeth W +27 May 7, 2015 6:27 pm

       I’m pretty sure Charlotte was the coolest girl in Ali’s bunk at camp the summer before 8th grade and they haven’t actually spoken since.

35. Eris +23 May 6, 2015 4:53 pm

    Thank you so much for these. They are a source of clarity and a reminder why I don’t attend my parents’ church (in the richest part of Dallas), anymore.

36. thebellewitch +97 May 6, 2015 4:57 pm

    Omg the ‘was it an accident and if so what bc where you on’ is too real.

    1. projectbeks +13 May 6, 2015 5:59 pm

       Yeah, as someone who has 2 friends who got pregnant while on various methods (yes, that’s right, more than one method) of bc, I cringed a LOT at that line.

       1. Munchlette_Belle +9 May 6, 2015 7:15 pm

          But actually… What bc were they on?? O_O

          1. projectbeks +31 May 6, 2015 8:44 pm

             Well, one was on the pill AND using condoms, and one had an IUD, which is pretty much a statistically impossible feat. So no need for most mere mortals to fear, they both just had really ambitious uterii.

    2. Christin +24 May 7, 2015 2:38 pm

       Yup. I’m still at the age where if a friend tells me they’re pregnant I have to say “congratulations or do you need a ride to Planned Parenthood?”

37. Household_Opera +93 May 6, 2015 5:14 pm

    And since they like, get what it means to be moms and live the rest of their lives with their hearts outside of their bodies do you guys mind if they spearhead this one?

    Aaaaaaaack.

38. wheelofthyme +128 May 6, 2015 5:26 pm

    When I was 41 weeks pregnant (yes, that’s right) I went to a yoga class called Motherbeat (husband: “Motherboy?”). It was all changing and “align your harmonies with your baby’s” and I started sobbing right in the middle of it because it was either that or punch every single person there.

    In sum: Sounds of the rainforest yoga is probably real and can definitely get fucked.

    1. Virginia +37 May 6, 2015 5:43 pm

       In my mind, the way that went was that you gave birth in the middle of Motherbeat, because your infant was just as horrified as you were, and you mother-baby tag-teamed a gooshy, screaming, tear-filled beatdown of the entire room.

       1. blunderbusst +12 May 7, 2015 12:12 am

          A+. Would read that comic.

    2. Apollonia +11 May 8, 2015 4:58 am

       I hope your husband accompanied you dressed as Sonny to your Cher.

39. carlaforyou +15 May 6, 2015 5:31 pm

    Oh god. I’m about to start planning my shower. This was hilarious, but terrifying.

    -________________-

40. yankee peach +17 May 6, 2015 5:42 pm

    I just this minute came from an IRL baby shower, so this is the *exact* antidote I need right now. Thanks ladies!

41. deleted6707794 +34 May 6, 2015 5:51 pm

    I am desperate to know how Jen’s mom behaves at one of these events.

    1. houblonchouffe +46 May 6, 2015 6:07 pm

       It is definitely Jen’s Mom’s Big Day, as I presume was also Jen’s wedding. Lots of running mascara and simultaneous fishing for compliments (“I don’t know how I’m old enough to be a grandmother, people say Jen and I look like sisters all the time!”) and vocally looking forward to, I don’t know, some status-laden version of grandparenting that I can’t even comprehend.

       1. Unreadaethel +20 May 7, 2015 2:33 am

          She actually treated herself to a round of Botox injections the weekend before, and calculated the neckline and hemline she could get away with to the centimeter. Then she got drunk off her face on champagne and spent the second half of the party telling graphic stories of Jen’s birth, with special focus on how big her head was, and the Important Social Events she wound up missing because of the long, gruesome ordeal.

42. ectocool +40 May 6, 2015 6:21 pm

    I gotta…I gotta see how one can take a picture of a dick on a guitar.

    1. Haley_Illogical +27 May 6, 2015 6:45 pm

       Not gonna lie, I paused at that line and spent some time mentally composing dick/guitar pics…

    2. keristars +25 May 6, 2015 7:23 pm

       I also spent some time thinking about it.

       If it’s “Artful”, it’s gotta have the dude lying on his side and his dick sort of resting lengthwise against the side of the guitar, right?

43. sweetnothingsnyc +55 May 6, 2015 6:31 pm

    “I just got done with my perineum massage also, and came back to all these emails lol!”

    Ali.

    Ali.

44. cleoreads +27 May 6, 2015 6:59 pm

    These always hit too close to home. I was on an email chain about a friend’s birthday recently. One of my HS friends is serously ill and the email chain about how to support her on her birthday included some impressive one-ups-man-ship. Part of me was like – look how competitive my old friends are being, lol, and another part of me was like – it is ON. You think your homemade birthday card is nice?! Hah! I’m going to make the best, most supportive, most loving damn card EVER. (And then I realized I was veering into Hey Ladies territory and stepped away from my email).

    Reading this made me see that I’m not even close to Hey Ladies-dom. Thank goodness.

45. hungrybug +24 May 6, 2015 7:08 pm

    I AM SILENT SCREAMING THEY’RE BACK YES
    (Is… Is it bad that when I first started reading the Hey Ladies series I thought it was real?)

    1. v_d_budenmayer +20 May 6, 2015 8:53 pm

       It IS real. More real than real life.

    2. tinypaperme +5 May 7, 2015 8:23 pm

       I did too. And I was horrified. HORRIFIED, I tell you.

46. fleurdelivre87 +26 May 6, 2015 7:09 pm

    Did anyone else think at first that Ali was the pregnant one?! That was a truly horrifying 30 seconds or so.

47. kokeefe11 +42 May 6, 2015 8:10 pm

    I just read all the hey ladies in one sitting. I’m so amused and stressed out right now.

    1. anninyn +10 May 6, 2015 9:49 pm

       They make me stress eat but I love them

48. figwiggin +8 May 7, 2015 12:01 am

    I have to go back to the beginning and see if Ali was always so unsubtle. I mean, she’s always been a monster, but has she gotten lazier about it?

    1. Unreadaethel +20 May 7, 2015 2:35 am

       She definitely gives way less of a shit what people think about her now. Her friends appear to be developing lives that don’t include her, and I think she’s getting desperate.

49. YoungMrGrace +20 May 7, 2015 12:22 am

    The Ladies meet the MommyMommyMommies. My god, it’s made of stars.

50. femaelstrom +11 May 7, 2015 12:54 am

    I AM HAVING AN ANXIETY ATTACK

51. Unreadaethel +22 May 7, 2015 2:36 am

    Oh my god, the new ladies are even richer and more obnoxious than the current ladies. HOW. HOW DO THEY DO THAT.

52. builtahouse +28 May 7, 2015 4:27 am

    I just want to see what Ali will DO to Maggie who essentially out-Ali’ed her. YIKES.

    “friend’s babymoon” I want to kill something.

53. MissConstrude +7 May 7, 2015 4:42 am

    Oh my god I can’t even read this as satire because I’ve just been cc’ed into toooo, toooo many of these.

54. scritchproductions +15 May 7, 2015 9:07 am

    This is why I never answer those emails.
    I just pretend I’ve died or can’t type.

55. badmuthahydra +14 May 7, 2015 3:49 pm

    I love ‘Hey Ladies’.

    Whenever I begin to experience guilt over my curmudgeonly, asocial life, I read one of these posts. And then I feel the most delightful contentment with the way things are.

56. thepedgehog +9 May 7, 2015 7:23 pm

    I’m pretty good at reading these without getting too anxious – they are just ridiculous and funny. But the 15K line floored me. Like I felt my stomach drop. $15K??? At least people LIKE weddings. NO ONE EVEN LIKES BABY SHOWERS!! Whyyyyy

    1. squishycatmew +5 May 7, 2015 11:00 pm

       aaaaaahhhhh that just terrifies me because I am getting married next year and we are like “well, maybe we can keep it down to 35K?” AND THAT IS MORE THAN MY MS PROGRAM COSTS.

       1. irishbreakfasttime +6 May 8, 2015 2:17 pm

          Also, aren’t baby showers like…a thing…where people buy baby things for the parents-to-be because baby stuff is a BIG EXPENSE? What do you get for the couple who just dropped $15K on the party part? I can just imagine showing up with a nicely wrapped onesie from Target and being laughed out of the room by people who like dedicated a room at the art museum in the baby’s name or something. “The (TBD) Kennedy-Cuomo Hall of Impressionists.”

          1. squishycatmew +4 May 8, 2015 3:23 pm

             Well, the couple isn’t supposed to be throwing the shower, friends/family are. But yeah, still… what??

             1. irishbreakfasttime +5 May 8, 2015 3:43 pm

                “Baby showers of the rich and famous” was just something I had never given ANY thought to before and now I’m twitching at the thought of how many diapers that money could buy. [shakes fist] LAAAAADIES

57. Emily May 8, 2015 2:17 pm

    Also, aren't baby showers like…a thing…where people buy baby things for the parents-to-be because baby stuff is a BIG EXPENSE? What do you get for the couple who just dropped $15K on the party part? I can just imagine showing up with a nicely wrapped onesie from Target and being laughed out of the room by people who like dedicated a room at the art museum in the baby's name or something. "The (TBD) Kennedy-Cuomo Hall of Impressionists."

58. Emily May 8, 2015 3:43 pm

    "Baby showers of the rich and famous" was just something I had never given ANY thought to before and now I'm twitching at the thought of how many diapers that money could buy. [shakes fist] LAAAAADIES

59. twoburgers +9 May 8, 2015 11:14 pm

    I love reading Hey Ladies but I hate it SO SO SO SO MUCH. I am ok with forever being blacklisted as a hermit and a Bad Friend and a teenager forever if it means I never have to go to a bachelorette party or a baby shower. I don’t like anybody that much. Hell, I got forced into a tiny bridal shower by my mother (for a courthouse wedding). Gods bless you if you have the fortitude to get through these things. I can’t do it.

60. plumtingz +6 May 21, 2015 12:45 pm

    “I bet if you pre-gamed shake shack beforehand some of you could at least play off 3 months”

    KILL ME THIS IS AMAZING!!