Dearest Toasties, thank you all so much for your comforting words and gifs and videos, they all helped. This week, ice cream. Coffee. And, for the lactose intolerant or body ecologically minded (I’m in San Francisco right now, people tell me it’s a thing!), vegan watermelon sorbet. Actually delicious. Please open thread like a very calm, pleasant, summer wind!
Tags: cocktail hour, open thread, the bartender
I GET TO GO HOME AND PICK AN ENTIRE CHICKEN CARCASS CLEAN I YAM SO EXCITED o/
I MADE SKELETON SOUP LAST WEEK
SO DELICIOUS
OH MY GOD how have I not been calling it skeleton soup this whole time?! This is perfect.
I so rarely have meat or, y’know, a WHOLE CARCASS in the house; when I do, I can’t resist making BONE JUICE from it. Mmm, jellied collagen.
My mother treated us to a special lobster dinner at her home tonight to celebrate having family visiting from away, and it kinda broke my heart that they decided to grill the lobsters; when I steam them, I also make stock with the shells, but the shells charred over a gas grill taste off.
I do love making delicious food from (what is effectively) garbage. This also explains why I have a Gladware tub full of onion peelings, garlic stubs, celery leaves, and carrot peelings in my freezer. I have a non-stop supply of free vegetarian broth.
So that’s one thing YOU can do better than anyone else?
I put a chicken in the slow cooker this morning so I get to do the same thing tonight. AWWW YISSSSS
Oh, bartender. Continued internet hugs.
Yes. Many, many hugs. Unlimited hugs to the bartender.
Thank you. Hugs accepted and returned
Thank you! Hugs back!
Yes, as many hugs as you need.
thank you!
Infinite Internet hugs to the bartender.
thank you!!
Friday Cat Thread!
This week we started brushing Anne again, and she loves it. She may be a short-haired kitty, but she will nag for the brush, and she never purrs harder than when she’s being brushed.
Here is a picture of Bonny waiting for us to come back from the shop. People think I’m exaggerating when I say I can’t leave the house without a kitty guard, but I CAN’T LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT A KITTY GUARD.
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Here is my old cat, Olive. She was evil and terrifying and when we lived in the little rural community she ruled a 2 mile territory with an iron claw. This is one of the only pictures I have of her.
She thought I was her kitten and would make sure I got to school safely. When she died (aged 18, not bad going, Olive!) we wrapped her in her favourite blanket and planted catnip over her. I cried, a lot.
A friend of mine recently adopted a second cat called Leroy. He is very affectionate and cuddly, even with strangers, and I am hoping that this friend will post a picture or story in this cat thread. If they do, please welcome them!
I have a long-haired cat who is in dire need of regular brushing – she has knots and tangles on her back and stomach like you would not believe – but she HATES being brushed, you’d think I was coming at her with a fire hose or something. I’ve had her since she was a kitten and I am the only human she really loves, but I can’t get her to let me brush anywhere other than her head, which is nowhere near the problem area.
My boyfriend’s cat likes being brushed, but he loooooooooves being lint-rolled with one of those sticky-paper rollers. If he hears the ripping noise, he’ll jump up to wherever you are and follow it around meowing until you make good.
Our short-haired cats loooove being brushed. But I think my husband loves brushing them even more. When he brushes the girl cat he starts cooing “Oooo! You’re so pretty! Let’s make you even more soft and pretty!” and it’s the most adorable thing ever.
My husband constantly mutters endearments to our cats in this soft cooing voice. ‘Oooh, who’s a pretty kitty? Who’s the prettiest loveliest kitty? You’re my little sweetheart, yes you are. Yes, you are! You’re so soft. Do you like it when I rub your belly?’
“Continue, human man-slave. For, verily, ’tis most pleasing.”
This week I was cat sitting my aunt’s cat, Tux. Enjoy some pictures of this handsome fellow:
Oh my goodness YES such a good-looking fellow. I am such a sucker for a pink nose.
He’s gorgeous!
I love that Bonny In The Wild pic SO MUCH.
It really highlights two things:
– Her over-attached nature
– Her breath-taking stupidity (just look at the anxious-yet-blank incomprehension in those eyes)
Munchie helped.
A+ helpage game Munchie!
Munchie is clearly the most helpful cat in the world ever.
On Monday I realized that one of my polydactyl cat’s claws had curled around and had started to grow into his pad, which I felt terrible about because they warned me to be vigilant about clipping his nails when I adopted him because of that very reason. I must have missed the nail the last time I clipped them. Fortunately, he was totally cool with my clipping that nail and pulling out the ingrown part, but then he had a big fit about me clipping his other million claws. Cats.
You have a polydactyl cat?
…
Do you have pictures of his weird paws
you post them by grabbing the direct image link and posting them between the ” ” of this code img src=”codehere”/ (put little < > around it)
Maybe a link will work…
Gus
omg look at his ridiculous paws he’s the greatest
That picture doesn’t even do them justice. They are so big that he stands with his paws turned out like a ballerina. And when he catches a toy between his paws, there’s just no wrestling it back from him.
He is adorable! I used to cat-sit a polydactyl cat who would try and scratch at the carpet, then get her claws stuck in it and I’d have to run and free her so she could move.
He’s lovely!
One of my cats is a polydactyl as well, and that has happened to one of her feet before. It healed up well though, without needing any vet visits.
Here is her crazy mitten-paw close up:
Also, she has a picture of her own face in her fur!
Your cat is fucking amazing.
Thanks! My friends found her in the middle of an Ontario winter huddled under their porch. She was a little kitten, and her feet were so big they looked like snowshoes.
Seconded.
OH MY GOD SHE IS BEAUTIFUL
oh. my. god. FURFACE.
I want a cat so badly it hurts and this comments section is SO NOT HELPING
I’m sorry!
If it helps, I can describe the exact colour and texture of whatever it was Anne puked up on the post today?
“If it helps, I can describe the exact colour and texture of whatever it was Anne puked up on the post today? ”
;___; that might help
I think she’s been eating slugs or moths. You’d think she’d learn it makes her puke.
VOMIT TW
Yellowish and lumpy with undigested kibble.
I do not want to move from my spot on the comfy sofa, but I also do not want you to touch me, puny human.
I don’t know why she was staring at me through the table with enough intensity to burn holes in stone, but she was.
I had a very lovely bachelorette a few weeks ago with my wonderfully splendid friends. We went out to a ranch for horseback riding, infinite snacking, drinks on drinks, and there were BONUS FARM CATS! I saw a kitten in the meadow and walked over to the fence. I commanded, “KITTEN. COME TO ME!” in a wine drenched confidence. But then the impossible was possible and the KITTEN CAME RUNNING AT ME. Then one by one the REST OF THE KITTENS appeared as dusk and one of the most magical sunsets I’ve ever seen settled over us.
Kittentastic!!
Cat people, please help me! The past three nights, my kitty has attacked my hand right after I go to bed. This has never happened before, and she settles down pretty quickly & curls up beside me, but only after attacking me first. I was wondering if she just wanted more attention, but one night I gave her plenty of attention/cuddle time and the attack still happened. Help?
And here is a pic of her as a kitten right after I brought her home from the bodega:
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Cats are weird, BUT she may be under-stimulated/too energetic? Try playing with her to exhaustion just before bed.
This is Musichetta:
Sometimes she is adorable; all the time, she is sassy.
Dawwwwwwwsnugglesssss…. *Brain shuts down!*
Toasties, looking for a new job is slowly killing me. The worst part is that I feel either way overqualified and horrible for it—like I should feel guilty for looking for something above retail even though I make minimum wage now, with a Master’s degree—and simultaneously way underqualified because I’m not a nurse or a teacher or an accountant and I didn’t do any internships in university and I didn’t look for any job opportunities while I was finishing my MA. And I want to kick myself for doing that! But like…I can’t change what I did or didn’t do, even if I think it was stupid, but I can’t stop blaming myself for making dumb choices. And now I feel stuck because I’m either reaching above what I “deserve” as a Millenial with a liberal arts degree, OR I’m underqualified for not making better decisions in at eighteen.
Wow, apparently I have a lot of feelings about job searching that I should probably look into more deeply. This has been Introspective Job Searching And Feelings for this week. Now I shall enjoy Open Thread for Friday, and look forward to the weekend, and my trip to Niagara Falls next weekend, and moving into a new house, and other enjoyable things!
Job searching is unceasingly awful. I’m sorry. 🙁
Ooof, I could have written this. Right down to the not doing enough extra stuff during the MA. I hear ya loud and clear!
It’s a shitty boat to be in, and hopefully you won’t be in it too long. Sending good luck your way
Me too! Except change MA to MSc with no experience and BLAMMO! the overqualified/underqualified conundrum.
I feel like “deserving” doesn’t apply as widely as it’s used — like, look at the way people use it and the assumptions behind “deserve” / “don’t deserve” statements, they’re destructive and/or fallacious 90% of the time. And particularly around job searching, where there are so many structural factors at work that have nothing to do with what anybody “deserves.”
I know I plug Captain Awkward on here periodically, but here’s a recent column of hers that might help you with framing? http://captainawkward.com/2014/08/10/609-tips-for…
So sorry the job search is so tough. It really does suck, no matter how qualified you are.
Please don’t think about what you “deserve” as a Millenial with a liberal arts degree. You are qualified, and smart, and a quick learner, and you deserve an interesting, well-paying job. This Gen Xer has 2 liberal arts degrees and a good corporate career, so it is possible – and we aren’t less “deserving” than people with business degrees. Good luck! Thinking of you.
Hear, hear. This whole “let’s vilify liberal arts graduates for studying subjects that are not 100% geared toward Doing A Job And Making Lots Of Money” trend has got to stop. As a happily employed person (a Gen Xer, not a Millennial, but still) with multiple degrees in a “useless” liberal arts field, I call bullshit. My liberal arts education taught me to communicate with other people, to write well (it is amazing how many people don’t seem to learn this and/or are terrified of writing and speaking), to edit, to find information and evaluate it critically, to take long views of history, and to consider multiple points of view. Among other things. Any employer who thinks those skills are pointless is an idiot who doesn’t deserve good employees.
tl;dr: Please don’t blame yourself and your education for the crappy state of the job market. And I’m sorry it’s been so hard for you.
I really relate to this, although I just have a bachelor’s. Job hunting tears down my self-esteem like nothing else. I feel tremendous shame for not being more accomplished and more successful, and blame myself for it. It doesn’t make rational sense to do it, and I know that, and then I blame myself for that as well. I tell myself I would never shame a friend or loved one like this, but it is still the raw spot of unlimited feelings within me.
Anywayyyy, thanks for posting about ME and MY PROBLEMS. You really do have my sympathies, though, and I suspect this is a pretty common source of feelings.
Are we the same person??? (Though in my case, when I look at my lack of internships during my MA, I laugh a hollow, bitter laugh, because I did look and was repeatedly told my time was worth NOTHING, that I should be HONORED to work for free in my field, despite my lack of money for rent, groceries, tuition, healthcare, or other basic human necessities.)
Holy shit, you guys. I REALLY DID believe I was the only person feeling this, and I am beyond glad to see I am not the only one in this shitty, leaking boat. I am very grateful to all of you for backing me up and telling me my feelings are not ridiculous!
DID I WRITE THIS? I feel the exact same way only it’s not so much “new job” as just “job” and I give myself a huge pass on not doing more during my MA because I didn’t know it was going to be an MA at the time (PhD drop out heyyyyyy, though that comes with a different set of baggage).
Anyway, I think it will be Fine, we’ll be Fine and that’ll be great. Don’t forget to be kind to yourself. It looks like you’ve got that covered but don’t forget it.
ughh that sounds like the worst 🙁 I’m sorry you have to go through that awfulness, I hope you come out of it relatively unscathed with a kickass job.
and I’m soo tired of all the “millennial with a liberal arts degree” trend pieces/media portrayals/listicles that further group us all in the same category and make “older generations” think we’re all lazy and entitled. Job hunting with a BA last summer was so confusing because SO many entry level jobs/internships in my field were like, you need a masters degree! But then so many masters degrees were like, you need a good 2 years or so of work experience, preferably international! just cant win….
I hear you! Five years ago I started in an ill-fated Ph.D. program that I had to abandon (in another country), and then four years ago my husband and I immigrated to Canada. The immigration process took me two years (he had status, I applied from within the country), during most of which I didn’t have a work permit, and shortly after I got permanent residence, I got pregnant (and had mild complications and looked very pregnant very soon). I’ve looked for a job, increasingly half-assedly due to lack of results, all along, and I feel like five years out of the job market, plus not having had an entry level job since 2006, plus a practically moribund job market and the immigrant’s proverbial lack of connections, have all messed me up irrevocably. I also feel like if I had JUST worked harder or networked harder or risked alienating my Canadian friends by being more aggressive about pumping them for connections or something, I would be working now.
But since you’re not me, I can see that you’re being unnecessarily unkind to yourself (though I understand that script!). Maybe your choices were the right ones anyway–an internship might have sapped your energy, or maybe a job would have, or maybe your M.A. work will be that much better for not having been completed under duress when you’re trying to work at the same time. And I am SO TIRED of all those nasty opinions flying around about Millennials and liberal arts. Not everybody can or should or wants to be a teacher or nurse or accountant or doctor or lawyer or IT person or hard scientist. There ARE jobs out there that are for someone like you, and I don’t know your personal situation, but they may come at you out of left field. When I got my M.A., I had resigned myself to unpleasant admin survival jobs (not to say they’re all unpleasant, but I suck at admin so they were for me) but eventually found myself as a well-paid fancypants analyst through a graduate school connection. This was a job for which an anthropology (my undergraduate degree) background was necessary. Up until then people would always guffaw when they heard I had an anthro background and ask what my degree REALLY was because anthro is so stupid and impractical that nobody in their right minds would do it, or they would utter dire warnings about how I had made myself permanently unemployable. People think they know but they don’t, and fate (or whatever) may surprise you.
Oh hello. You are me! I am also in the immigration-to-Canada process, only I am a different class and can work on while I wait. Other than that……OH LOOK EVERYTHING YOU SAID, IT’S ME.
Wow, you’ve almost completely described my life right now. Hugs to you and the bartender both! I’m job-searching too and feel hopeless reading every requirements list even though I do have bits and pieces of experience in a lot of things. It never feels like I have legit qualifications. Anyway, I just meant I know how frustrating the whole thing is and hoping everything will work out. Hugs and drinks on me!
Blergh, between Ferguson and “gamer culture” this week, I am pretty much fed up with the world and feeling like crap. Doesn’t help that I’m making my way through the world’s most grumpy-inducing videogame right now: The Witcher 2, a fantasy RPG wherein you play as this asshole:
Geralt, I don’t care if you’re sexy and your hair is super-bouncy! You’re a boring man! The whole thing is very pretty and the plot often interesting, but man. It’s like all the parts of Game of Thrones I hate (lots of “shit” and “fuck” and gratuitous tits), so I’m not sure I can keep going. *Sits and waits patiently for Dragon Age: Inquisition instead.*
With that said, here are two things that are making me happy this week:
1) Learned how to cold-brew iced coffee in a French press, and it has been keeping me alive.
2) This gif, relevant to yesterday’s conversation about the development of adult dating preferences due to childhood movies:
Eeeeeeeee!
Anyone who wonders why I nursed such a crush on Harrison Ford for so long during my youth and early adulthood has only to look at this GIF for evidence. Stunning.
Are there other comments in this open thread? I don’t know, because I can’t stop staring at that gif long enough to scroll and see them. Fortunately I am a touch-typist and can write this comment without taking my eyes off of Mr. Ford.
“Age: 29 / Gender: F / Sexuality: this GIF of Harrison Ford.”
I think for me, really, it is ANY GIF of Harrison Ford. Indiana Jones is pretty much my perfect man.
HOLY CRAP YES.
That gif. *is mesmerized*
yuuuuuummmm Harrison Fooooorrrddd
He really should smile more because that shit is gorgeous.
Good commenter-name / comment synergy!
omg this gif is making my day!!!
How’s everyone’s FXX Simpsons marathon going? My favorite so far was probably “Lisa the Greek”.
That and watching the whole McBain movie spread out across several episodes last night.
I really resented having to go to bed.
Discount Lion Safari!
Just caught “Homer At The Bat”. So good.
“Shave those sideburns, Mattingly!” will never, ever get old.
Well, Mr Burns had done it / The power plant had won it / With Roger Clemens clucking all the while.
“It’s like there’s a party in my mouth, and everyone’s invited!”
I have never once in my life seen an entire Simpsons episode and now I can say I have seen not one but TWO so, good, I guess?
(Don’t tell my mom, it is actually kind of funny. In some parts. A little laughing is happening.)
It holds up really well!
Ooh, look at me! I’m making people happy! I’m the magical man from Happyland, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!
Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic.
Wonderfully. Really looking forward to “A Streetcar Named Marge”.
Apu’s paperboy song kills me each and every time.
and the Randian daycare!
“develop ‘the bottle within’ “
I flipped through over 200 channels last night to confirm I don’t get FXX, so mine is going rather poorly. However, when I’m just sitting still and not doing anything specific, episodes play in my head with some frequency, so my personal marathon continues apace.
Now “Marge v. the Monorail” and soon “Last Exit to Springfield.” Man, season 4 was so good!
Seriously. Season 5 is going to be killer too. Whacking Day, Krusty Gets Cancelled, freaking Cape Feare for God’s sake. Thank goodness for DVR, otherwise I’d be forced to start up all night not to miss those…
Thank you all so much for your overwhelming kindness and flood of suggestions for Powerful Activities last week! I have taken them all to heart – getting into some yoga practice at home, which has been surprisingly fulfilling so far, and I am in touch with the recruitment coordinator at the ROLLER DERBY league in my city, which is shocking and wonderful. Looking for some mostly-secondhand gear. The Fellow is bemused but very supportive.
I also loved all the cooking/hobby/music suggestions and am feeling really energised and supported and so, so lucky to have this community. Thank you deeply.
How are YOU guys, anyway?
AHhhhh, I am so full of admiration for ANYONE who does roller derby, all y’all are my personal heroes. So glad that some of this stuff is working out!
WHAT SIZE ARE YOU? I have the gear I bought last year, barely used, and I would love to give it a good home.
WHOA! Actually!?
Email me!? rsl dot sprung at gmail dot com
Wooo! Best wishes with Roller Derby! I have several friends who do or have done it and everyone says it’s an amazing experience.
It is super OOC for me, but the more I thought about it, the more I decided it would be very good for me to at least commit through the Fresh Meat. My timing turned out to be perfect for if I can get all my ducks in a row gear-wise (eustaciaviolence you absolute gem) because practices start after Labour Day and are on a day to which I can commit.
ROLLER DERBY ROLLER DERBY
I am off skates post-surgery and I miss it so hard. If you’re looking for cheap gear, a lot of places online sell starter kits for fairly cheap. If you’re cool with used, there’s a couple of Facebook groups I can point you to where people sell their stuff – “Roller Derby Recyclables” is the one that comes to mind.
Awesome! Awesome. Thanks!!!
Doing a lot better today than last week, and most of this week. So that’s a plus!
SO glad to hear that, Cap’n!
Envious of your roller derby success! I tried getting in touch with the coordinator out here, she got me started on the whole paperwork (insurance etc.) process, then ignored all of my emails and questions thereafter. Maybe I’ll try again!
I hope you do! We can be Fresh Meat buddies 😉
I am SO GLAD you found a local roller derby team. I thought about suggesting it last week but you already had lots of good advice. Fresh Meat is hard work but worth it; I’m really glad I found my local league last year.
Whatever gear you end up getting, do not skimp on knee pads. They’re more important than good skates. Happy to chat about gear if you have any questions and good luck!
Wait you’re playing roller derby and you DIDN’T IMMEDIATELY TWEET AT ME? Toasties! This is my thing!
So excited that you’re playing derby – I’ve just had my four year derbyversary (although I’ve been off for ages because of injury and then surgery). In the UK Facebook has a ton of groups where people advertise used kit for cheap (although please please please buy a new helmet, you have no idea how safe a used helmet is). Playing has changed my life and how I see my body and all that stuff.
Toasties? I had a major freakout about a hypothetical situation but I’m gonna ask for advice on it anyway. I’m suddenly terrified that if I ever have kids, they’ll wind up hanging out with kids who haven’t been vaccinated. Should I be worried? Anyone have any advice on navigating this issue?
forcibly vaccinate them with your home vaccinating system
“I was just taking this needle full of vaccine to the garbage where it belongs, when wouldn’t you know it, I tripped and accidentally injected the whole thing into your daughter’s arm. What a klutz! I hope little Annie doesn’t catch autism from it.”
Yeah, so, I had a really violent reaction to the measles vaccine when I was tiny and therefore wasn’t allowed to get any of the booster shots. Now I forever have to deal with the possibility of catching it from slimy kids whose idiot parents don’t understand how the real world works.
Well YOUR kids will be vaccinated, so they should be basically fine, even if those less fortunate offspring of idiot parents are themselves at risk… right? Scientoasties back me up / tear me down?
I think the idea behind the fear is that vaccination only really “takes” for like 95% of people–the remaining 5% have a weaker reaction, or the vax itself doesn’t take as well as it should. Normally this would not be a problem because there would be no tiny carriers of disease running around spreading germs everywhere, but when there are unvaccinated kids, it creates a problem for that remaining 5% of people whose vaccines don’t work as well as they should. This is before even getting into the fact that young babies can’t have all the vaccines completed at birth, so for a few months they are vulnerable to whatever, and also that some kids because of being immunocompromised aren’t able to receive vaccines, ever, and are therefore at greater risk.
Yeah, but the chance that hypothetical children might be the 5% who aren’t fully immune, plus that they will have a hypothetical unvaccinated friend who is also exposed to a potentially-vaccinatable virus which they then manage to catch and then manage to pass on to mittenstheboar’s kid who then gets sick enough to have major complications from it seems like a fairly small probability to be worried about prior to the kid ever being conceived.
Oh no, I totally agree that it’s a very, very low risk–I was just saying that that’s probably where that niggling bit of “OMG but WHAT IF” fear comes in–that even if your kid is vaccinated there is still a risk, albeit very small.
Prior to even really coming to a decision to conceive, really, which makes it even more silly. Oof.
That is fine, you are just getting it out of the way early. 🙂
This is interesting! I knew that, for instance, there’s variation in the protection you can get from the acellular pertussis vaccine, but I assumed that if you’re vaccinated for polio, the vaccine will almost certainly “take”. How do I go about finding more info about this?
I am so sorry, I don’t know! I know whooping cough is The Big One, but I think for other vaccines (like MMR) it’s the reason you get a booster to bump it up around kindergarden age–because there’s something like 5% of people for whom it doesn’t take as well as it should.
That’s okay! I’m sure you’re right– nothing has 100% efficacy. I will consult teh googlez!
Right, although I wouldn’t say “young babies” so much as “babies/toddlers” aren’t fully immunized yet. A toddler 15 months old on a normal vax schedule may not have finished their DTaP, Hep B, HiB, polio, or varicella shots. You also have to re-up the flu vaccine every year.
Your kids will be vaccinated, right? As long as you plan on vaccinating them, your kids will be fine! The only ongoing issue is if your children are immunocompromised for some reason, in which case you could tell parents “Susie can’t play with Annie, it’s too much of a health risk, GET YOUR KID VACCINATED YOU [expletive of choice]” ?
Maybe without the last part. PERHAPS it would help these self centered parents get out of their turtle shells and think about why we vaccinated when “but no one dies of measles anymore!!” but I do not have high hopes.
The problem is that you can’t vax your kid for everything at once, so they might not have received the vaccine yet when they come in contact with the older unvaccinated kid.
Vax your kids, don’t live in San Francisco or Portland or Park Slope. That’s all I got. People are morons.
I read that as “wax your kids” which is equally important – don’t let them grow any extraneous body hair that diseases could hide in!
It’s important to have shiny children.
Well, that’s part of the point of vaccinating YOUR kids, right? You can’t (unfortunately, sometimes) control the choices other people make, you can just make the best choices for yourself and your family. Most public schools in the US have vaccination requirements. How easy it is to opt-out of those requirements on “religious” exemptions varies by locality. I don’t know about daycare/preschools and what their requirements are vis-a-vis vaccines, but certainly that is a thing to consider/ask about as you shop around for them.
You get your kids their vaccines on schedule. You wash hands and teach good hygiene practices and discourage behaviors that are known to spread disease. And you take a deep breath and work on accepting that you cannot protect the people you love from every bad thing that exists in this world.
This. It is so hard, but I think it is the only way because even if it is not vaccinations, there will be *something*. And then something else and something else.
Keep Pop Tarts and Polly-O String ‘Ems, or whatever regional equivalents apply, on hand as snack food. Invest in an excellent cable television package and allow your own children to watch shows that they enjoy. Those no-vax parents will act like there is a moat of poison around your home.
well, I have never been vaccinated nor can I be vaccinated for complicated medical reasons and I’ve turned out just fine. I’ve never spread diseases or had any issues. This is probably not the answer you want, but maybe it’s helpful to consider that not every non-vaccinated person does so by choice or is trying to be as malevolent as possible toward the general population. Maybe it’s different now since this is apparently becoming a trend, but it never came up and was almost never an issue when I was growing up/young.
The closest I’ve come to it being an issue is when I was in college and there was a measles outbreak at another school in town; they said that if it came to our campus, I would have to leave for the semester, but it never did.
I guess my point is not every non-vax’d kid is a risk.
“I never wear a seatbelt or a bike helmet and I’m fine, ergo not wearing a seatbelt or bike helmet is not a risk.”
hey now, I think that was a fairly uncharitable reading of what I was saying and I know I’m at least partially to blame for my dashed off comment.
1. as others have said, vaccinating isn’t the end-all be-all of preventing spread of disease.
2. there are many others in my boat who cannot be vaccinated, but are being painted with the same “tie them down and shoot em up or throw them into the sea” as those who are opting out of vaccination. on one hand, I clearly don’t think that’s fair, but on the other, we are technically similar in terms of potential for risk, etc. Saying you* don’t think people should be able to opt out of vaccinations for religious etc. reasons because they aren’t abiding by the social code of living in community doesn’t leave people like me a lot of room. I am not trying to make this about me, but showing that it’s not totally black and white.
3. vaccinations are obviously important in the larger sense of preventing the spread of disease, but the point that I was trying to convey (poorly) to the original poster was that there are already people vaccinated living among you; there always have been and will be. The simple fact of not being vaccinated doesn’t make them a risk; they are merely a potential risk. As the majority of the population is still vaccinated (with the exception of pockets of the country mentioned above), herd protection still exists. Governments and organizations will continue to protect the many from the few, in this regard. Awareness, hygiene, etc. still need to be at the forefront of prevention– as well as encouraging vaccination, where appropriate.
4. you can’t make people do what they don’t want to do, at least in this country. you can only protect yourself the best way you can.
I’m sorry for sticking my nose into this debate, but I hope you understand a bit better where I’m coming from.
*not you specifically, but ‘you’ generally.
Hey now, that’s a little harsh. I agree that this person’s last line didn’t make a lot of sense — “not every non-vax’d kid is a risk” — since of course this person *was* a risk, a risk that didn’t materialize into an actual danger at any point but a risk nonetheless.
However, it sounds pretty clear from their post that they can’t be vaccinated for medical reasons — and that is true for certain people. It must be frightening not to be able to get a vaccine for diseases and be at risk for catching and suffering — as well as transmitting — them That’s already a burden to bear — no need to pile on.
That was uncalled for. You may disagree with the person’s rhetorical point, but she pretty clearly said that she cannot be vaccinated for medical reasons, which is exactly the point of getting everyone else immunized. You don’t need to be snippy about that.
Aw, toasties. Thanks for the advice–and a couple of good reality checks.
Everyone has given good suggestions so far. I’m a pediatrician so I’ve got STRONG feelings about this issue (usual disclaimer about advice from someone on the internet applies here). The only thing I’d add is that the basics are still useful here: i.e., good handwashing, not being around other sick kids (even if your hypothetical kid is fully vaccinated), etc. They’re most vulnerable when they’re really little, like younger than 1 year old — assuming they don’t have a medical issue that puts them at risk.
Also — OMG, don’t consult teh googlez! So much sketchy information out there about medical stuff! The websites I always recommend for things like this are the CDC (cdc.gov), Mayo Clinic (mayoclinic.org), and Healthy Children, run by the American Academy of Pediatrics (healthychildren.org).
Power went out at work. The pole outside caught fire. As a result the company LAN is down and work has slowed to a crawl. Monday’s gonna suck but that’s future me’s problem.
The power’s out and things are on fire but they haven’t sent everyone home? O_O
MTE. WTF.
Well the power came back on after an hour (8:30ish)
LAN is back up back to business as usual. Plus.minus really at least Monday will suck less.
this week has felt like the longest week ever. i feel like something is off in my body? like last night after running up the stairs to my apartment, my heart was beating crazy fast, and as i was trying to get it to slow down, it felt like it…skipped a beat? ughhhh i do not want to worry about this right now.
instead i am gonna eat all the snack food while seeing vetiver and the zombies play in a park for free this weekend!
I have had that feeling of heart beating too fast/skipping a beat before, also known as heart palpitations. I am not a medical expert but according to WebMD these are usually harmless and can be caused by anxiety or stress. So, unfortunately, worrying about them can actually make it happen more. I have some periods of time where it happens more and then long stretches where I don’t have them at all. Of course it’s good to be aware of your body and get to a doctor if something seems wrong.
thank you for the info! this is reassuring.
i realize it’s pretty silly but i was kind of scared to google it, as if it would be like, “you have a heart murmur and will die if you don’t go to a million doctors,” haha.
Also there is a thing which I am trying even now to remember the name of, where basically sometimes your heart gets all crazy worked up and you just breathe deep (because you’re trying to get your other nervous system into action) and it goes away, and it is totally harmless but very alarming. But I just *cannot* remember the name, it is something-cardio vent-something, I think. Anyway, I know about it because we have it.
I am sorry, this is probably not the most helpful comment, but the love is there!
YES this was exactly it. my heart was going kadunk kadunk kadunk really intensely in my chest and throat, and i was so freaked out by how hard and intensely it was kadunking (a medical term, clearly), that i took a few huge, deep breaths, and it immediately slowed down so rapidly that i thought it had actually stopped for a few seconds. when it came back, it was a little off-beat.
I remembered the name!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supraventricular_tac…
When we told our doctor about it (for us this has been happening since childhood, we thought it was a panic attack or something), she gave us that name for it and said ‘This is really not a problem, except that I’m sure it’s scary and upsetting, but you are totally fine, just breathe deep and stop it.’ So while you might want to ask your doctor about it, I would not be worried!
a million thanks for this info!
this seems pretty spot-on with what i’ve experienced. i should go to the doctor sooner or later, and it’s really helpful to have a name to attach to the experience, so i can be like, “i felt this thing, could it be this?”
Yep, I have these too and the worst part about them is how they feel scary but are actually harmless (apparently).
They are so scary! Pretty much any time that I become aware of my heartbeat is scary unless it’s in a normal exercising situation. It’s so startling, too, like if it happens while talking to someone.
I have this too! It used to send me in to full-on panic mode, but I just breathe deeply and tell myself to remain calm and then I’m back to normal in just a few minutes, nothing to worry about!
Seconding that I have had this before and had a doctor act VERY unconcerned when I brought it up. I think he sensed I was a bit of a hypochondriac? Eventually it stopped so I figured it was just an anxiety/tiredness thing.
this is reassuring to hear!
i’ve been working out more lately, so i was like, shouldn’t running up the stairs NOT freak my heart out??
“She had assumed that her low pay rate was the product of a fledgling female-run startup that had struggled to secure funding from venture capitalists. When I sent her Goldberg’s now infamous PandoDaily announcement, she looked at the headline and said, “There’s $6.5 million behind it, and this is what they’re paying me?” I told her that Goldberg had since raised an additional $5 million. “Jesus,” she said.”
I definitely didn’t know that Goldberg cofounded Bleacher Report, an organization I find SO UPSETTING thanks to that brilliant Deadspin piece a while back. He was already the worst, now he’s the double worst.
Ohhhh DETAILS???
(also just a link is fine)
http://deadspin.com/the-top-200-ways-bleacher-rep…
I didn’t like Bustle when it started and I don’t like it now.
Hear, hear. (Although, the work account I manage does follow them on Pinterest, because they put up some damn good recipes)
KILL THEM ALL WITH HOUSEHOLD IMPLEMENTS
It sounds like he’s figured out how to run a modern virtual sweatshop. Women do the work, he gets the money. What a toad
I got to the end of the first page of that and had to NOPE the fuck out until I’m done with work for the day, because one page in and I am already angry. [Edit: deleted because I don’t wanna start shit for ze toast by talking too much shit in the comments. I remain incredulous of events described in that first page.]
Bryan Goldberg may be a pleasant, likeable dude, but Bustle is still about a bro making money off of women by getting them to sell to other women and keeping (most of) that sweet, sweet equity for himself and his investors. That women have serious problems getting the same access to capital in SV* is one of only many problems with this whole thing. I am hoping that reading the rest of the article will leave me less infuriated, but I am not optimistic.
*Even absent the sale of Bleacher Report; BR had to raise it’s money, too, and I’m betting BG didn’t have to run a gauntlet of sexual harassment to get it.
One of their senior editors (Jessica Blankenship) totally biffed it talking about Ferguson on twitter earlier this week. Her tweets are gone now although if you look at her twitter and use your imagination you can imagine how this might have gone down. (Mmmm yes, a defense of the white people who are not paying enough attention by insisting she was paying attention)
Ugh. [Mental note: start investing in The Toast once you’re no longer paycheck to paycheck]
I linked this earlier this week, but in case it got lost to the mists of time: play Depression Quest. It’s a short, text-based multiple choice game about living with depression which some people have found helpful in understanding/communicating their own experiences or the experiences of their friends & family. The game itself is free, but if you want to you can help support the developer through her Patreon.
Or if you’re looking for something lighter, play Gay Cats Go To The Weird Weird Woods, also free, also helping to Destroy Video Games!
Yes, do it do it do it. You don’t need to be a “gamer” – this is the least “gamer” game ever.
I do struggle with depression off and on (anxiety is a more constant frenemy…), and when I ran across Depression Quest (last year sometime) and decided to play through it, I had to walk away partway through to go do some deep breathing and stress eat a little before I could come back and complete it… so obviously, take those trigger warnings seriously. It’s really really well done, though.
Yeah I went through it last week and sobbed pretty much the whole way through. It is so tempting to choose the “right” choice from the ones that are available even though I know it is not what I would actually do.
The developer of the game Zoe Quinn, has been getting harassed nonstop since her exboyfriend wrote a blog post about her and posted her personal information to send 4chan after her. http://www.dailydot.com/geek/zoe-quinn-depression…
*Burns videogames to the motherfucking grooooooound.*
Also, parts of that article kind of piss me off. First, for linking to the original boyfriend post again. Second, for suggesting that she may be guilty of “censorship” for requesting takedowns of videos, etc. speculating about her private life. If someone were posting videos and images accusing you of being a slut, commenter boys, you can goddamn well believe you’d be using any tool you had to get them taken down from youtube.
The ocmments on that article too, jesus christ. Thank GOD there are gamers out there who value journalistic integrity and meritocracy!
Haaaaah, my comment blocker is doing the lord’s work today.
Wow. I think I have a diagnosis to go get.
In the open thread 3 weeks ago I posted about my friend “Gertrude.” She’s the one who went on a weekend trip with a guy she’d met a few days before, then came back and said they were officially a couple and she was quitting her job to go work as his assistant.
Yesterday was supposed to be her first day, so I texted her to ask how the new job was going. This is the exchange we had:
HER: Apparently the office I was hired in is being shut down
ME: Wait, so what’s happening to your job?
HER: I don’t know anymore
ME: What did the boyfriend say? He found you the job, right?
HER: Yeah, the office was shut down, so he got me hired at his new job
ME: So you still have the job? I’m confused
HER: No, his office is shutting down, so he got a job somewhere else and got me a job with him there
ME: When’s your new start date?
HER: Monday apparently.
I just… what? “Apparently”? Did the boyfriend find out that very day that his office was shutting down, and he managed to instantly get a job somewhere else, and along with it the clout to have his own assistant hired, sight unseen? Or did he know ahead of time that his office was shutting down and just neglected to tell his girlfriend, who was now relying on him to make a living? What the hell is going on here?!
I have SO MANY questions, but I decided it would not be helpful to Gertrude if I bombarded her with them. Part of me thinks “It’s my duty as her friend to point out the incredible folly of her ways” and another part thinks “She needs to figure this out on her own and you won’t help if you try to run her life for her.” But it’s so hard to have to sit and wait for the trainwreck to happen!
stop arousing me with gifs of t-hiddles, I am trying to be concerned here
oh my god
put a bottle of wine in the fridge and get some cookie dough made. I just think…it might come in handy…
YIKES. Poor Gertude. I hope this doesn’t play out the way it is almost inevitably going to.
This whole scenario is so. . .WHATnow? Like. . .it is usually a big problem when someone falls for and wants to date their boss, and in the rare examples where it’s actual love and not a messed-up power dynamic, it’s best for them to get out of the work situation as soon as possible. Who meets someone and says “you know what would make this relationship better? ME BECOMING YOUR ASSISTANT”.
Please promise us an update next week! Poor Gertrude.
I will! I hope I’ll have better news by then :/
Ok, Toasties, I need to ask you about a hypothetical problem. Here are the players in this scenario:
Me: 29 single lady in New York. Been single for…ever? Really since college with some brief relationships here and there.
J: J and I have been friends for around 4 years. He lives in Colorado and has always been my “what if” guy. We usually hook up when one of us visits the other. Last year we didn’t because he was seeing someone, but now he’s not and when we were both at a friend’s cabin in CO a couple of weeks ago, there was cuddling and making out. He’s coming to visit in October and I’m definitely going to want to have sex with him.
M: M is a new guy I met in the neighborhood. We’ve hung out at couple of times and we’re going on a date next week. He seems pretty cool and I like him, but I’ve only seen him twice, really.
My conundrum is that I’m reluctant to start anything serious with M knowing that J is coming in October. But J will come and go and there will be nothing substantive standing in the way. Plus I’m in New York and so is M, so that has more potential. I just feel sort of weird even considering starting something with M while contemplating future sexytimes with J. Should I just play it by ear and see what happens in October? Should I stop worrying about completely hypothetical futures? What does one think about if not hypothetical future problems?
Maybe I should just move to a cabin in the woods and forsake all men.
Also apparently I have been ousted from co-worker outings for some reason? Everyone went out for a co-worker friend’s bday yesterday, yet no one invited me. Womp womp.
look, J didn’t exactly think, “i should keep myself free and unattached when meetapossum comes to visit” last year, did he?
i’d give M a try. you might go on a few dates and it’ll fizzle out, or you might build something nice with him, in which case, hey, “nice relationship of a few months with a dude in your neighborhood” > “hooking up every once in a while with a dude who lives far away, y’know, whenever he’s not seeing someone else”
This is very true.
I say this with love:
– IMAGINARY PROBLEM
– BONE ‘EM ALL
(not including your co-workers on either of those points, though, that’s crappy.)
COSIGNED BONE EVERYONE ALWAYS
IMAGINARY PROBLEMS ARE MY FAVORITE KIND. I am aware of this, yet can’t stop dwelling.
*whispers* they are also mine
even my fantasies usually conclude in moderate disaster!
I can’t help but read “BONE ‘EM ALL” with the intonation of “Gotta catch’em all! POKEMON”
that sounds like a particularly exhausting gamification of sex
Casanova’s secrets revealed for the first time!
I totally get the impulse to plan ahead, but I feel like it might be unfair to M to avoid giving him a fair shot in the hopes of a potential hookup with J. Personally, I’d invest more energy in something that had the potential to be a little less sporadic, but I don’t know your life, and it seems like you’ve been doing fine the way you are for a while, so ~*~ do what ya feel ~*~
If it’s just a matter of feeling guilty about J, definitely go ahead and keep seeing M! You’re not in exclusive relationships with either of these guys, and it’s too soon to know how you feel about M. Maybe if you fall madly in love with him your desire to hook up with J will fade by October, or maybe he’ll stop calling you back after three dates, or maybe by October you’ll feel like you want to hook up with J more than you want to keep seeing M, and you’ll end things. All of these options are fine, so have fun and see what happens!
If it’s more that you don’t actually enjoy having more than one person in your life at a time, or that you really want to try and make things with J more serious, that’s legit as well.
I agree with yeah_elle. Even if you’re not looking for a long term relationship, having a reliable in-town thing with M seems like a better plan than hoping that J won’t have a new girlfriend by October.
Besides, there’s no rule that says you have to jump right into monogamy with M. As long as M knows you’re potentially seeing other people, there’s nothing wrong with sleeping with both guys.
You are all wise.
Do you want something more serious with J? The only reason I can think of in favor of not starting something with M would be if you were interested in a relationship with J, rather than just sporadically hooking up with him.
This may be a hypothetical problem, but I obsessed about an identical situation earlier this year, so you’re not alone. M in my case turned out to be a too-tepid dude, so it resolved itself.
Kiss everyone
Feel nothing
Big hair
No heart
– @mallelis
Threesome!
Having two hot possibilities to have fun sexytimes with is a problem how?
You are in the best of all possible situations (IMO).
1. Stop worrying altogether. You are going to play this one situationally appropriately, and you can’t know what will be going on in October until October rolls around.
2. Keep seeing M. Keep it casual. Don’t bring up exclusivity, and if he does, be honest and say that you’re not ready for that kind of commitment, but you really like him and would like to keep seeing him and see where it goes (if that is actually the honest truth, of course, at that moment).
3. HERE IS THE AWESOME THING ABOUT YOUR SITUATION. Because you have J. in the back of your mind, you can just relax with M. You can just see where it is actually going, how you actually feel, because you don’t need to either rush things or slow them down artificially. I found a situation like this very freeing.
(here is the other, more nefarious awesome thing about your situation: Your casualness is very likely to drive M. a bit crazy and be more likely to double down on winning your affections. YMMV. You must play this very carefully to not be an asshole, meaning kindness and honesty above all things. This is a side benefit that you simply cannot help, but can enjoy and reap the benefits of.)
4. When sleeping with J. becomes a more imminent possibility, it will likely throw your relationship with M. into some relief, and you can make an informed decision at that time. If you DO decide to sleep with J., the juxtaposition may make it more clear that you are either REALLY INTO or really not into M.
(Caveat: this is all based on my past experiences, and particularly the one where I was casually having pretty intense sex with a very emotionally unavailable friend at the time I met and started dating my beloved who I now consider to be my co-pilot, and to be honest, the whole thing worked out perfectly for all of us, with minor hiccups along the way. I eased into my beloved in a lower-stakes way, which I needed because I tend to freak out in the early stages and jump ship, my beloved was quite… energized by my profession that I would not be exclusive with him, and then when I finally capitulated it was an active choice rather than a “I guess, because there’s no one else around” and it meant everything and still does.)
This is really excellent advice. I’m naturally very bad at “playing it cool,” so you’re dead on with #3. The only difficult is the “stop worrying” part. How do people do this?
Yes yes, the only way I know to play it cool is to be having sex with more than one person and feel like I can’t quite decide just yet. So, actually be cool.
“Stop worrying” is like “do a handstand”. It’s something you work towards, without having to necessarily accomplish. It’s just neat to work towards it.
I was in this exact same situation 2 years ago. Both of them had the same name which was hilarious. BFF-J was in LA (we had slept together every time he was in town since 2009), New-Guy-J was here in Astoria with me. We dated for … 2-3 months? until I realized that if BFF-J came to town, I would immediately sleep with him without even thinking about New-Guy-J. This caused me to unconsciously pull back from New-Guy-J and we ended things nicely and are still friendly. Things with BFF-J sort of unraveled after that for several different reasons, but I didn’t necessarily regret letting New-Guy-J go. I knew I had to resolve things with BFF-J before I could really move on to anyone else with an open heart.
I guess this isn’t really a helpful anecdote but I will say it might be helpful to see what page J is on before trying not to sleep with him for M’s “sake.”
Date M! And maybe if it seems like a good idea tell him about your thing with J if things look like they are going well and see what he says!
Maybe he’ll be all ‘well of course hook up with your buddy if you wanna, we’ve only been dating a couple months and I have no problems! And it could lead to a beautiful long term thing where you fall in love and live happily ever after and occasionally have fun things with other people because life is too short to never fuck your friends.
…this is pretty much what happened with me. I met a fabulous guy while I had plans for awesome sexy fun times with a couple in a few months. I told him, he was fine, we have been a happy non-monogamous duo ever since. He is my rock and my home, but friend sex doesn’t trigger romantic feelings in me and so we play and have fun and life is fucking fabulous.
Toasties who have experience pitching pieces online: How long is it appropriate to wait to hear from a publication before pitching it elsewhere? The site in question has a note on their submissions page that they may never get back to you if the piece isn’t right, but there’s no time info noted. (I’m not trying to subtweet like a jerk, I understand that a lot of places are understaffed and don’t have the time to send out individualized responses, and that’s cool with me. Just trying to figure out when it’s okay to try somewhere else.)
Also, I am attempting to train for a half marathon, walked out for my 8-mile run today, and after half a mile in 90% humidity my headphones cut out and I turned around. 🙁
What are y’all up to this weekend?
I tend to give it between three and six months, but if I choose to submit to new places earlier I send the former place an email officially withdrawing my submission.
Thanks! That’s what I’ve done in the past with print literary magazines, but for daily online publications I thought the rules might be different – but maybe not.
If it publishes daily, maybe cut the time down to between 1 and 3 months?
But ALWAYS send a withdrawal message, because it covers you.
I don’t know about the pitches thing, but I hope someone replies to you that does, because I would very much like to know!
The Fellow and I have our three-year-old niece (Boo) this weekend, because it is her parents’ first anniversary! So tonight after Auntie goes to workout, we are going grocery shopping to stock up on honey, ham and cheese for honey, ham and cheese sandwiches, and then tomorrow we are going shopping for work clothes for Uncle Cwaig, to the post office and to the library, then we are going to read and paint at home because it is supposed to be cold. On Sunday we are going to go swimming at the rec centre!
Oh, this is ADORABLE and all sounds completely fantastic! I love your Instagrams of her, by the way.
Thank you! She is the light of my life.
Ha, when you were tweeting about Boo, I thought you were calling your partner Boo and was very confused by their love of ham sandwiches!
HAHA! I get that a lot. I throw a clarification in every now and then.
Fellow is the husband, Boo is the (adored) niece.
(My husband’s name is Craig, and he asked me one day “Why did you give me a nickname that has more characters than my actual name?” “Shhhhh. Don’t worry about it.” So he gamely added “The Fellow” to his Twitter bio).
Saturday is partner’s birthday party! So a lot of cleaning and then hopefully a lot of fun. Sunday, recovery phase!
Also, our daughter fondly remembers the cooking classes she did when she was 3, so we’re going to try to start doing that at home — she can already do a lot of making scrambled eggs, and she loves to help me or her dad make dinner. So the plan is that she’ll pick a recipe from https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1169091.Toast… (Jesse Ziff Cool’s _Toast_ cookbook, it has tons of pictures) and we’re going to shop for it and she’s going to make it with adult help. Since most of the recipes in there are minimal cooking and super-delicious, I think it’s a great place for her to start.
If it’s a time-sensitive piece, you can also cover yourself by mentioning a deadline after which you’ll assume it’s a pass–that frees you up to go to a different editor. (I haven’t tried this myself but I belong to a freelancing group that’s used that tactic before.)
Also have 8-mile training run on the schedule for Sunday, but it is supposed to rain. I would not mind this as 7 miles was brutal and I am not expecting 8 to be better.
Vancouver* Toasties! It was lovely to see you last night and get to hang out with you and squee over Mallory! Let us gather again later in the year for something else. Trip to a fun pool hall? Bowling night? Picnic? You tell me! twitter @ kiranmartin or else email me care of the gmails at tindomiel. 🙂
*plus our extra-special guests from far-flung reaches who happened to be in town!
And we’ll need to figure out if google groups or some other people-corralling site works in terms of planning to make sure everyone sees the details (some are not on FB, and some are not on twitter, so).
Who took group pictures last night? I wanna see ’em!
I know This Is She took some; not sure if anyone else did. Maybe she will pop into the thread later on with them?
Oh man. I’ve been waiting for this thread all week, because I have a legit question that’s sort of related to the politeness issues of last week. How in the world do you continue to carry on a polite conversation with a perfectly nice someone who brings up their deeply held belief/ worldview that you find completely baffling and/or utterly wrong?
I just have no idea how to do this. I’m not talking about reasonable (I know that’s a tricky word) beliefs that I just don’t happen to agree with, like Burkean conservatism or even libertarianism. I’m talking about healing crystals or anti-vaccination or truly wacked-out conspiracy theories.
My husband suggested that I stop being such a know-it-all and ask them about it with an open mind, which I thought was really good advice but not really practicable for me, unless I have a 180 degree personality change. Any ideas or experience here?
If it were me, I would just try really hard to navigate away from it. If you vaguely know the type of baffling worldview the person has going in, come in prepared with a sharp turn away from it? So if it’s healing crystals, “I’ve been wanting to show you these really lovely amethyst earrings I got other day at [X store]! Have you ever been there?”
My examples suck today, but you get the point. That’s tough, though, and always very weird.
I totally do this too. Just ignore the wacky thing and talk about something else. It has worked great for me so far – in the moment. Depending on the view they hold, sometimes I get home and wish I’d challenged them, and/or said something to them about it. But in terms of being polite and sociable, works like a charm. (Maybe even an amethyst one?)
Oh my god that was a Dad Joke I am so sorry
DAD JOKES 5EVER
I just got done spending time with my boyfriend’s mom, who has some interesting corporate food conspiracy theories, along with other ideas about the way the world works that I generally find a little bizarre. Because I was a guest in her home and want her approval, I went with the classic smile and nod and “I hadn’t thought about that before.” It’s true – I hadn’t thought about it, because it’s batshit crazy.
It’s true – I hadn’t thought about it, because it’s batshit crazy. LOOOOLLLLL yes, I have also done this routine as well. “Wow I never thought about it that way”…..because what person in their right mind WOULD??
I totally do this too, because my fiancee’s dad is a 9-11 conspiracy nut and his uncle believes in chemtrails. For me, nodding with furrowed brow + “that is so interesting” is sufficient to make me seem not rude to them, even if in my head I’m thinking “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA THIS IS SO DUMB holy shit our kids are going to have these genes.” Also, and YMMV, but I find getting stoned first really helps with this convos.
If you can listen and repeat back information in a tone that’s not judgmental, that’s the best. “I see. That’s a lovely shade of purple. So carrying an amethyst will keep you from feeling too drunk tonight?” or, “So you are saying the government staged 9/11 to make a point about X.” As long as you can keep your voice neutral, they will continue talking. When they cross a line or try to convince you to agree, you can always excuse yourself to refresh your drink. And eventually you’ll want to change the subject to movies, the weather forecast, or the decorations in your host’s home, or introducing this person to another guest at the party.
Yes yes repeating things people say back to them is a remarkably effective communication strategy (you must paraphrase at a least a little, or you will sound strange). People are so simple! They really just want to be heard.
Well with certain things (anti-vacc’ers, certain conspiracy theories [I have NO patience for 9/11 truthers or birthers]), I think the best thing to do is to shut it down. Even going so far as to say “I really don’t agree with that and I would like to talk about something else, because I like you and I don’t want to fight with you.” and then talk about something else (this year’s asparagus crop? I don’t know).
Other stuff though….I mean it’s so totally ridiculous don’t you WANT to know more?? There are conspiracy theories about the Denver airport that I will research all. day. long. My sister works with some conspiracy-minded people and instead of arguing with them, she just trolls them by asking for more info about it – “Oh really this healing crystal cured your cancer? Oh it’s the shade of blue in the stone that’s important, what shade is best, is dark blue really bad because I love dark blue.” Don’t be rude, but also….ask for more info mostly for your own entertainment, not to be polite or expand your horizons or whatever.
/I’m an awful person, though, so, take my advice with a grain of salt.
I am also an awful person and co-sign heartily everything polka_stripes just said.
I totally do that too. I find it fascinating to go into where someone first heard about whatever weird belief, what drew them to it, etc. BUT you have to tread a fine line between not pretending you’re being won over and not being rude or patronizing about it.
This is the line I’m afraid of crossing. All this advice is great, though.
Yes, tone, sadly, is important.
I just smile and nod. I know a couple of dear people who are just the absolute sweetest things imaginable and the world is a better place for having them in it and I am grateful that kind souls like them exist, but they are hard-core believers in Magick and Earth Deities and basically anything that comes out of books like those of Scott Cunningham (RIP) and I’m just…not. So when they talk about their magickal ritual experiences and how they’re using their crystals to positively influence a job hunt or whatever, I just smile and nod.
Anti-vaxxers, though, do not deserve your good humor, time of day, or anything else from you other than a chair in the face.
Generally when that happens to me, I try to change the subject to something less fraught.
You describe my extended family. I have tried multiple strategies. The one working best for me, so far, is to pretend to be an anthropologist. My goals are to understand 1) what they believe, 2) why they believe it, 3) how they came to this belief, and 4) how they can maintain this worldview.
Goals 3 and 4 I find truly fascinating.
pretending to be an anthropologist has been very helpful for me in dealing with that situation where you’re the only woman in a group of dudes/bros/rude men and they interrupt and talk over and do the mansplaining or just straight up ignore you shit. even though circle jerks like that get SO BORING after a while I just try to pretend I’m gathering data (and actually collect data), it feels very sneaky and I love it
or I pretend I’m undercover, that also feels sneaky and I love it too
Read this correctly but mistakenly substituted archaeologist for anthropologist. I’m hoping someone in this situation will don khakis and try cleaning their wingnuttier framily members with a tiny paintbrush.
whenever I run into situations like that I always wish I was nicer, because then I’d be a much more pleasant person to be around and talk to and maybe the world would be a bit of a better place but mostly I’m a mean impatient curmudgeon… and usually I end up being a curmudgeon at people. 🙁
sometimes I feel bad about it later but more often I remain curmudgeonly. 🙁
Embrace your inner curmudgeon. Nice is overrated.
If it’s a perfectly nice someone who has power to make your life shitty but who you do not really owe perfect honesty (boss, mother in law, etc), then nod, smile, and change topic. Noncommittal hmmmms also are good.
If it’s a Barista explaining the ~mystical meaning~ of my necklace, I just say “I’m not really into that.” If it’s someone I actually care about I just flat out say “That’s not a real thing.” It won’t win you any friends, and it won’t change their minds, but it WILL get them to stop saying that stuff in front of you.
Be kind, not nice.
Which is to say, if you are intimate with them, telling them gently what is true for you.
If you are not intimate with them and you are just getting through the conversation politely because it is small talk or whatever, you can be polite just like you would any other way by nodding and smiling and giving them minimal encouragement and then change the subject — there are lots of awesome examples of this below.
Although I am curious why it is you can’t ask them about it with an open mind without needing a personality transplant? That is because I am nosy. 🙂
Okay, I had another thought about this just now.
If you are asking them about it with an open mind, you do not have to be open to the idea that they are right! But if you care about them, you can be open to /what it means to them/? Like, fine, you know that crystals do not do healing, but you might be interested in when they began to believe this and how it came to pass and what it means to them, and the experience they’ve had with it. For me, I am not interested in lots of things (even very reasonable things like oh sports teams and the mechanics of computer games) but if I can get the person talking about themselves and their own feelings about it it becomes very interesting even if I think they are wrong.
I so agree with this! “Be kind, not nice.”
It is totally okay to not agree with someone, or ask them about their beliefs without that meaning you have given some signal of agreement. Conversations don’t have to end in consensus. You can enjoy someone’s company even as you openly disagree with them and vice versa — and it is so liberating! like a big breath of fresh air! You just have to sound interested in them and respectful and still say at the end, “I don’t think that’s the case.”
This is such an American thing, and to some degree a British one too, I think, that conversation has to end in consensus. I actually had to live in another culture for a while first to even see the dynamic, and then to get over it. But once you do, it has the added benefit of making it easier to talk to people who are not like you, because you won’t have to reach a consensus to feel friendly, and it just takes so much pressure off conversations in general!
very interested in the replies because my mother who is a very smart woman who I have a ton of respect for is very suspicious of vaccines. Which I just don’t know how to deal with.
Good practice for this: there’s a short story in David Sedaris’ Barrel Fever where his possibly-serial-killer coworker shows him increasingly explicit pictures at work, and David Sedaris just keeps commenting on the decorating schemes. (What a lovely chair! is that Naugahyde upholstery? Did you make that whip yourself? That sort of thing.)
From the tiny house brigade, here is an article about a 2/5 scale “cottage” that was given to queen Elizabeth as a birthday gift in 1932, and is still on the grounds of one of the royal palaces.
I want to live in it. http://www.royalcollection.org.uk/exhibitions/roy…
I submitted my last grad school assignment last night (and some of you know this because so many Toasties favorited my tweet about it, because y’all are the best). All I can think about is this expansive weekend in front of me with no obligations and all the possibilities. I’m going to eat & drink all the delicious things. Starting with the alcoholic ones.
… and then maybe eventually apply to some real jobs. Worry about that later.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!
CONGRAAATS. Also: details of what you hope to eat and drink please?
Congrats!!
Congratulations! I hope you have a WONDERFUL weekend!
Book advice needed!!!
I have a young cousin (she’s 11), who is a voracious reader. Yay!! But she is also the biggest fraidy-cat I have ever met. Not so yay. She can’t handle anything scary or even mildly intense, and I am absolutely up a creek without a paddle in terms of book recommendations. So is her mother, who asked me what I would recommend for her. She loved the Anne of Green Gables books, but guys…she won’t even read Nancy Drew or the Boxcar Children.
HELP ME TOASTIES, YOU’RE MY ONLY HOPE!
She’s about at the age where she might like some Austen, maybe? Depends on her tolerance for new vocabulary. (Not dissing hers, that 19th-century stuff just has a LOT of words that aren’t used anymore.)
Obviously history is pretty scary and intense when you look at it closely, but I adored the History of US history book series by Joy Hakim. It looks at the history of the United States revolutionary war-on. I haven’t taken a look back at it to see how revisionist it was, but I remember thinking the USA was pretty shitty at times, so I feel like given that it’s for children it’s probably pretty good. (This is probably less compelling if your cousin is not American, though.)
In a historical vein, that’s around the age when I devoured the Royal Diaries/Dear America and Dear Canada books (and I was a scaredy-cat too!) If she reads Anne, they might be a little below what she CAN read, but I read Anne at that age too, so (I am projecting onto your cousin a lot haha!)
Ooh, I was a HUGE fan of the Royal Diaries series.
yes to Dear America! I ate those books up.
I read some of the Dear America and the Dear Canada ones were also very good (insists the Canadian).
I LOVED the Royal Diaries and Dear America books when I was a kid. I brought them with me everywhere.
Loved History of US! Remember it as seeming pretty progressive at the time.
How about HOWL’S MOVING CASTLE by Diana Wynne Jones? 🙂
Patricia Wrede’s Dealing with Dragons series maybe? I remember that being a cute and funny but definitely not scary series.
Yeah, I think this is a great suggestion. The books have a little bit of suspense, but nothing too dark or sad if I’m remembering correctly.
The Moomin books (except for the one in which a comet threatens to destroy the planet, obvs)!
Seconded. Maybe also not the Moominvalley in November, either, but all the rest are wonderful.
I think the first six books are all delightful and extremely clever and not at all scary, though there’s a growing undertone of reflectiveness and melancholy in books 4, 5, and 6. That’s part of the appeal, though. And then in Moominpappa at Sea it kind of becomes an *overtone* of melancholy, and everything is really eerie and bleak. There’s no dramatic tension, but there’s a different, existential kind of scariness. But then I think Moominvalley in November brings the story out of that dark place a little bit, to a complicated, bittersweet, ambiguous but hopeful ending. (My username is a tip-off that I like Moominvalley in November the best.)
I think books 1-6 would be GREAT for a smart, sensitive 11-year-old, and then 7 and 8 would be good to come back to as an older kid or adult. And the zeroth book, The Moomins and the Great Flood, if you can find a copy, is good to read as kind of a postscript when you’re done with the rest of the series I think.
These are great suggestions!! I hadn’t considered some of these, so this will be wonderful. Thank you!!!
Because I am a horrible person, I would barrage her with books that challenge her fears. Girl needs to learn how to deal with scary stuff sometime. How much of this is caused by what she actually fears and what her mother has taught her to fear? Most kids are all over creepy stuff, aren’t they? If it’s not her parents influencing her fears by protecting her, I’d ask what else is causing it? Because that just strikes me as weird.
I don’t think you are a horrible person but I also don’t think this will work. Books-as-medicine sometimes “takes” with adults, but rarely with kids, whether it’s “we all need to learn how to get along” or “life is fleeting” lesson-type books that you get assigned for school or the kind of inoculation you’re talking about here.
“Read this, you’ll hate it” just doesn’t seem like it would be effective.
See, I know you’re right. I KNOW THIS. And this is why I rarely interact with children.
A lot of it has to do with a car wreck she was in a year or so ago. It really shook her up. There are some health issues and things, too, and a lot does have to do with her parents being very afraid *for* her. I don’t always agree with what they tell her/how they deal with certain issues, but I also don’t feel like I can bang down the door yelling something about there being MORE TO THE WORLD THAN THEY’D LIKE HER TO KNOW ABOUT. So it’s…complicated? I am trying to expose her to less-sheltered things/worldviews, but books are tough because when she has a question, she goes to her mom, not me.
Oh, poor boo! And this is why I am not suitable for sensitive audiences. Oh! Hey, maybe the Little House books? They’re not intense, but they deal with some hard stuff without being too grim.
That’s a great idea! See? You’re not horrible at all. 🙂
Don’t say that so loudly. I have a reputation to uphold for godssake.
Hm, maybe A Secret Garden? It has a good internal message about learning to get stronger and more self reliant and face up to challenges, without being too preachy (at least, it didn’t seem preachy to my 9-year-old self).
Or E.Nesbit, The Five Children and It? It’s a bit of an adventure story, but it was written in 1910 or so and it’s about a family of five children who are always helping and encouraging each other in their adventures, so you can’t really be too scared — you just identify with the youngest or oldest depending on your personality/maturity.
Or something really classic and gently adventurous, like an abridged Jules Verne novel? Those are fun. Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea is great!
The Little House books are pretty tame. And I know they’re not novels, but the Calvin & Hobbes books are usually a big hit with kids that age.
Seconding Calvin and Hobbes, and also adding that, while I know it skews far too young for your cousin, Pippi Longstocking at ANY age is empowering and delightful and embiggening.
Hmmm
The Tiggie Thompson Show and the sequel(s?) by Tessa Duder aren’t scary at all and are awesome (Tiggie is fat and teased for it, and starts acting and loves it and is still fat and is awesome generally). There are some sad/intense moments with relationships, but no horror stuff.
The Alex series, also by Duder is also good, but there is a car accident in one somewhere (memory is a bit shot), so not sure whether that’s appropriate.
The Centre of the Universe, by Margaret Mahy could be ok (boy and girl, friends, possible fantasy stuff).
The 10 PM Question, by Kate De Goldi is another possibility – about a boy whose mother is agoraphobic.
I’ll see if I can think of any more.
You are already helping her by exposing her to your world. When with her, find ways to emphasize that fear calls for caution, not avoidance. Use those words, or your own phrasing, consistently, so she has a totem she can repeat when alone with fear.
And don’t forget nonfiction. At her age, I devoured every book on elephants that my library had, one at a time. After that, I read all they had on whales. She is not likely as obsessive as that, but you get the idea.
ETA: No coincidence that elephants and whales are earths largest creatures. I was a scared kid. I was attracted to powerful creatures, fascinated by strength so great that they took it for granted. I longed for the serenity that came from great power.
Seconding nonfiction. When I ran out of books in the kids’ section of the library and they wouldn’t let me in the adult section yet, I inhaled medieval history books.
What about A Girl of the Limberlost? It is my favorite old-timey Book For Girls, because when Elnora wants something and can’t afford it she gets a job and makes it happen. There are lots of bugs in it, but not much else by way of horror.
There’s also a pretty great (and slow, and believable) reconciliation between Elnora and her school-of-hard-knocks mother, if I remember correctly — and now I know what I’m comfort-reading this weekend. Although it’s an old-timey Book for Girls, Elnora is a lepidopterist and self-advocate as well as a get ‘er done type.
Oh that’s a really good suggestion. Y’all are helping so much. Hooray!
I forget exactly what age range I was when I read these, but the Redwall series is fun and wonderful. also, she may be ready for A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, which was my favorite book ever in fifth grade. oh, and how about some Madeleine L’Engle if she’s not afraid of some supernatural elements? A Wrinkle in Time is so classic.
I would totally agree, but I think the Dad getting kidnapped by an Evil Being would be waaay too much for her in A Wrinkle In Time. Redwall might work, though. I have such a long list going now! Yay!
oops, yeah. forgot about that one too. she has another series called A Circle of Light (I think?) about a girl who swam with dolphins. I loved that too, although do check if anything more disturbing is in there.
OMG I JUST RE-READ A TREE GROWS IN BROOKLYN AND IT IS IN MY TOP FIVE SUMMER EXPERIENCES OF 2014 AND I AM A PERSON WHO LOVES LOVES LOVES TO SWIM OUTSIDE AND I’LL STOP SHOUTING NOW THAT IS ALL.
congrats! it just popped into my head just now and its a wonderful rec for a young girl. perhaps I’ll reread it too someday, I remember practically nothing about the book except for my deep love for it and the fact that Francie used to leave the last bits of her food behind because it made her feel as luxurious as a rich person. I still think about that sometimes, who knows why memory works the way it does…
As long as she doesn’t read G.R.R. Martin’s Redwall (looking at you, Mallory)
How about the Noel Streatfeild books? Ballet Shoes and all the “Shoes'” books.
YES YES YES
There are tons and tons of them. I think all the Shoes books would be fine, but watch out for non-Shoes books which can be surprisingly grim.
Some of the Discworld books might fit the bill!
I HIGHLY recommend Eva Ibottson. Her books are fantasy-twinged, and sometimes there is “creepy” stuff but it’s never scary. Like one book is about a service you can call to request ghosts for your house. Another was about a warlock who holds a magic competition to find his witch wife. My favorite book of hers, which remains of my favorite books OF ALL TIME, is Island of the Aunts.
Also, Bloomability by Sharon Creech. I read it around 11, and as a very anxious and worry-prone child, it was good at helping me realize that new is not always terrible. (A lesson I still need to keep relearning today, ha.)
Would the Madeleine L’Engle Wrinkle in Time series be too much?
What about those Judy Blume books? Like, Just as Long as We’re Together. I really liked that book as a kid.
Or those Ramona books? Ramona Quimby, right? She was a character, right? I think that was another non scary book I read.
The Sky is Falling series! There is some emotional intensity, but nothing scary or suspenseful. (I’m a little bit with her in terms of hating suspense.) I loved that series as a kid.
Also, just get her more LM Montgomery books!
Also, I’m sure she’s read it, but we just did a YA session in book club and read Eleanor and Park, and it was awesome.
Is 11 too young for Tamora Pierce? (I genuinely don’t remember when I first read those books) I LOVED the Song of the Lioness series and I don’t remember those books being scary. I really liked various E. Nesbit books too (‘Five Children and It’ being the one I remember most strongly), and the Oz books are always great! Though she might not be interested in those. Also I have no idea if any of those are age-appropriate. This is not super helpful, apologies.
Also, car crashes are really scary and traumatizing, especially when you’re young :(. That’s really rough to get through, and I’m sending all best wishes and hopes that she heals fully and entirely!
I read them at that age, but they can be pretty scary.
I remember being scared my grandma would figure out the characters in the book I was reading were _having sex_. How far I was trying to shrink myself into a corner of the couch probably tipped her off, though.
old-timey books seem to fit that criteria better: Understood Betsy, Betsy-Tacy, Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm, Anne of Green Gables and other Montgomery books, any of Louisa May Alcott’s children’s books (especially Eight Cousins about a scared sickly girl growing more confident–Understood Betsy has a similar theme. Actually I take that back, you probably should avoid Alcott’s Jack and Jill which has a girl temporarily paralyzed after a sledding accident).
Hmmmn maybe something like the Bobbsey Twins or other series fiction from that era? Most Victorian stuff is going to have sudden child death (although if she liked Anne maybe that won’t bother her, so maybe Susan Coolidge and Alcott?), but there are a TON of series kids books from the 20th century which are pretty benign. Also all the british boarding school books (Enid Blyton, Elinor Brent-Dyer, etc etc) which have been reprinted relatively recently.
Is she too old for Babysitter’s Club and Rainbow Magic?
Our almost-5-yr-old is like this but insists on having stories read to her which panick her and then she won’t sleep for days.
I keep thinking of my childhood books – The Woman who Rides Like a Man, etc, but most of them seem pretty spooky for a kid who’s traumatised.
However, I’ve been looking on Goodreads, and I found a few books that might work? You’ll obviously have to check excerpts and make sure they aren’t going to be too frightening for her. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/22236879-frid… https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/22663526-the-… https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/24337.Ella_En… https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/21996452-the-… https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18289482-all-… https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18289482-all-… https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2190742.The_R… https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/2610591-the-s… https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/331920.Flippe…
It’s a bit difficult for me to filter out all the Serious Literature that I was reading at 11 in a misguided attempt at going through the English Literary Canon. (Upon reading an old Iliad translation: “Mom, the book says they’re burning faggots!”)
The Secret Garden and The Little Princess are the obvious ones, but they’re both a bit racist, so take that as you will. Patricia C. Wrede writes nice, sensible fantasy books that I remember devouring whole. Be careful about which Jane Yolen books you give her; many are light-hearted fantasy and some of them are creepy-story anthologies. Eva Ibbotson can be very suspenseful, but there’s always a core of stolid British warmth under the hijinks.
I loved Annie On My Mind, but her family might take issue. For historical fiction, I loved The Midwife’s Apprentice and Catherine, Called Birdie. The City of Ember is fascinating post-apocalyptic fiction that doesn’t even know it’s post-apocalyptic fiction. There’s always Because of Winn-Dixie or The Cat Who Went To Heaven if you’re prepared for happy crying.
DO NOT give this child Neil Gaiman, whatever you do. I had nightmares about scuttling mother-hands for months.
The Pushcart War by Jean Merrill! It’s really funny and I think I first read it at that age.
How about Jean Little? I loooved Jean Little’s books when I was around her age.
I recommend The Princess Diaries series! She’s probably at the right age for them, basically no danger/suspense, and unlike what the cover art would have you believe, they are very rarely about pink and tiaras and much more about finding your own voice and deciding to do what’s right even when you have to go up against your scary Grandmere/best friend/the royal establishment.
(Also about crushes.)
Toast Postcard Exchange! Send a Toastie an image of your city, a leftover postcard from your latest travel, artwork from a museum, etsy, or your own – anything that’s 3 1/2 X 5, put it in the mail! Keep up a correspondence or just send off a toastcard, no pressure to do more. Happy mailing!
If you are waffling, may I heartily encourage you to join us? Even if you’d just like to receive a postcard or two – it has been so fun on Toast card Exchange 1.0 to open my mailbox and get these little delights. Sending them is fun too!!!!!
Thank you, polka_stripes, for continuing to sponsor this! I’ve received three postcards so far and they’re all terrific! What a lovely way to connect with Toasties in addition to Open Thread!
Oh yes more hearty rounds of applause to polka_stripes because I know she has put a hell of a lot of work into coordinating!
<3<3 (I just really love vlookup in excel)
You’re welcome! Mail makes me happy and toasties make me happy so I am excited to bring them all together 😀 😀
This is the best! I’ve received one toastcard so far from silverandsnow (hey gurl) and I just bought an entire postcard book of BIRD PICTURES so I’m pretty pumped to start sending mine out.
Yes! I got postcards from silverandsnow and renegadeoboe, and both were great! I wanted to say thank you to them (and to polka_stripes to coordinating this)
I just did this and I’m excited and now I have an excuse to buy weird paper goods!!!!
A+ perk of this whole affair
I sent out my cards on Monday! ANd I recieved two from awesome Canadian toasties renegadeoboe and PRockette!!
I’m new but I’ll sign up for Toastcards 😀
EDIT: i’m changing address in 10 days, maybe I’ll wait.
Sign up, but put a note in the address box and I’ll confirm your address via email before I start matching in early September!
I just love this. Now when I get home my husband says, “You got a Toastcard again!” It’s the best and I’ve gotten like 6 so far!
True story: I was sending something to someone from toast twitter and my partner was like “So people just gave you their address??Over the internet?? You could be anyone!!”
I opted not to tell him I was organizing Toastcards.
Hahahaha, I have no idea how husband is going to react to Toastcards. OH WELL.
If he cared, I think he probably would have asked I don’t put a return address, and he didn’t, so…
I think he’s figured out toastcards by now, but he hasn’t talked about it haha. Ironically, I have also gotten unsolicited postcards from IRL friends lately too, so at this point he’s probably just really confused.
I actually run to the mailbox after work. The Fellow now calls down the stairs “So? Any postcards?”
This sounds fun! Definitely signing up!
Also this seems like an okay place to ask this: what is the Toast Twitter group? How does one join it?
https://twitter.com/embryoconcepts/lists/toasties
I think if you tweet at Jen she will add you?
Yup, tweet at embyoconcepts and she’ll add you to the list! Feel free to add people from there, or post your name and I’m sure you’ll get a bunch of followers – I’m @ediehan!
I got my first one! And I am sending out three today! (I had to figure out how to mail overseas, whoops.)
I picked up what scientists called “summer crud” somehow, and while I’m not as miserable as I was yesterday, I am still sick and whiny. Cheer-up pics/gifs solicited, most particularly of 1. kittens, 2. cupcakes, 3. tea, 4. Dean Winchester.
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Here, have some lip-bitey action with juuuuust a hint of tongue:
YES THANK YOU THAT’LL DO FINE.
Good Lord, that mouth. I don’t know how he gets away with it.
also, this:
MY TIME HAS COME.
UNNNFF
*locks pinkies*
I believe my required response is *unf*. (Especially because I have a perfectly filthy fic open in the adjacent tab.) Thank you!
DREAMBOAT
Ha! I love them both.
Hello, goodly Toasty folk! So, I know I still have a lot to learn, and it’s important to learn from experiences and views different from mine, and that when confronted with those the best thing to do is take a step back from differing opinion and consider it as rationally as I can.
What do I do the next time someone tells me, “I’m not a feminist. I’m all for equality, and feminism is too gendered a word,” because I respect that opinion! I mean it’s nice to see our bunch of undergrads open and civill like this in the classroom. And I don’t know if it was right of me to have felt a sort of tugging behind my brain: I…can’t put to words why I felt a need to say something about that.
“What do you think feminism means?” or “What do you think feminism calls for?” might be good follow-up questions that would let you have an actual conversation based on what they think is going on. My biggest struggle as a teacher of young and older adults has been to take the time to figure out what the person I’m speaking with actually thinks, instead of responding to what I think they think.
This may be a well-thought-out position based on what they’ve seen and heard and learned, or they may just be repeating something they heard someone say that sounded vaguely good to them, or anything in between, but having to put it into words — and/or realizing that the words may not be there — may be revealing to them in a potentially helpful / growth-inducing way.
Since you’re their teacher, based on what they say you can also make reading recommendations that might enlarge their sense of what feminism (and / or womanism, intersectional feminism, etc.) is / can be!
Hi, thanks! (Though I’m not their teacher, just their classmate! 🙂 )
Yes, I’ll follow your advice. I was just a bit blindsided cause the convo went something like:
ME: I’m a feminist, yes.
THEM: But you’re not a crazy tumblr feminist, right?
ME: I…what…
I think the last time I posted in the Cocktail Hour I was asking people about how to handle moments like that, when you’re so thrown by someone’s TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE words or actions that you actually forget what you know. They had some great recommendations, including literally practicing what you are going to say next time it comes up, and PAUSING before you respond, giving yourself time to formulate your thoughts — you don’t need to slay them with an instantaneous bolt of lightning, we can’t all be Mallory. This happens to everyone and you are not weak for being thrown by it.
You could even bring it up again, if you feel like it: “I keep thinking about what you said the other day [quote them]. For me feminism is about X, Y and Z.”
Also you can still rec books to a classmate! You guys are in a “learning community” or something! “I read X recently and I really liked the way it shows how feminism interacts with other efforts toward equality and justice.”
Thank you, thanks so much! I’ll keep all these in mind and apply them. I just held myself back at that moment, for I am not Glorious Lightning Personified like Mallory, because I was afraid they’d think I’m pushing my opinions down people’s throats.
“Yes, it’s a gendered word, because there is inequality on the basis of gender. Calling it something else erases that very basic, fundamental fact, and assumes a false equivalence which then becomes the basis for all bullshit dorm room MRA arguments, and we know where THOSE lead.”
You might tone down the last bit there. Or not? I probably wouldn’t, but I have never been known for my graceful ability to win hearts and minds; I am more about the brow-beating.
I love me some brow-beating. I am so good at it. What I’m saying is, I like you.
I like you too! We could team up. Double the brow-beating of anti-feminists! I probably have an extra rolled up newspaper somewhere.
I like you as well! Thank you so much, I’ll be noting this down as well! (I wish I had a brow-beating friend at hand.)
I don’t knoooow! One of my dearest friends, who is now an ONCOLOGIST (and also a woman), says this. I’m like “excuse me, lady, but how the fuck do you think you got to be an oncologist? ‘Equalism’? And also, ARGH.” I blame her science education and very very literal and practical mind.
It has been my experience that 95% of the time a man says “I’m not a feminist, I’m an equalist” it devolves in the exact same fashion:
1) I’m not a feminist, I believe in equal rights for everyone!
2) Women shouldn’t get special treatment!
3) It’s not fair that I can’t hit a woman.
That’s…quite intimidating to confront in person. *considers shy self*
And yes, my situation involved A Man.
I was going to be very circumspect and fair and say that people deserve the opportunity to self-define as feminists or not, especially WOC, and then I saw in the comments that your interlocutor was a man and my only response is smack him in the face with a chair.
I love being very circumspect and fair, and I giggled at the last bit.
(wait I’m not crazy, right? I’ve seen people embed youtube videos here? google has failed me)
WEIRD. The video showed in my email notification, but yeah, all I see here is a broken box.
SADNESS.
It’s so good too! The fish slapping dance applies to so many, many things.
“Oh, how interesting! Are there any equalist issues you feel particularly strongly about? How do you try to practice equalism in your daily life?”
I don’t think you’re going to have much luck convincing someone to use the word “feminist,” but I think that making the jump from “I’m all for…” to “I actually do this” or “I’ve thought a lot about this” is important and might lead to some growth/reflection on their part. (Also because I think ‘I’m all for [cause]’ is a bullshit phrase that is always followed up with a “but,” and I like to rain guilt on the head of those people.)
Thank you, I’ll be noting those questions! I understand people have a right to choose which labels to take up, but some situations are just so baffling.
Hmmm. Yes, people have a right to call themselves whatever they want, but that doesn’t mean you have to respect them for it. Like, you have a right to think they are an idiot or a sexist or a racist or whatever because of their choice to call themselves something that is, by turns, implicitly stupid, or sexist, or racist. I’m not going to think highly of someone who says they are also anti-reverse racism, either, because that person is coming from a place where they consider “reverse racism” to be an actual thing.
That is a good point, thank you! Having the right to strongly disagree, yep, will keep that in mind! (Ahhhh, so much to learn.)
“Oh, how interesting! Are there any equalist issues you feel particularly strongly about? How do you try to practice equalism in your daily life?”
There is no way I could say these words without sarcasm dripping from my pores, but I am so glad that there exist people in the world who can.
So I got to kick someone off my FB this week! So exciting! I blogged about it here. It was AMAZING, y’all. His statements were just textbook examples from Derailing 101. I went home, told the beloved about it and about laughed my ass off because WHAT WHAT WHAT are you KIDDING me? I wish I didn’t keep the separation between my online name and real life name so rigidly because y’all would have a fucking field day with this bozo.
And it was a *man* you kicked off my FB. Brava!
ASDFALKSJF;LAKSJ I have been awful and have not posted anything about Ferguson on my facebook page because frankly, I do not have the time or energy to learn about which of my friends are awful (most of them are not, but you never know sometimes!). Excellent job taking him down though.
Thanks! Don’t feel awful about it. It’s a hard thing to do, and not everyone has the constitution to be relentlessly abrasive and uncompromising. =)
if ‘relentlessly abrasive and uncompromising’ aren’t things you can put on your job applications they are DEFINITELY things you can put on your life application!!!!!!!
those words made me really happy and I feel a bit better about myself, bless you for speaking(typing) them.
Every time you post this gif I want to thank you for bringing it into my life 🙂
And congrats on kicking that asshole out!
the gif game is strong in this one
!!!!!
Oooh could you just tell us what it was he said so that we can mock his dumb anonymous ass?
I itemized the, er, “highlights” in the post, linked above. Here’s the one that got him kicked off, though:
For 5 seconds, try to imagine yourself on the other side of the coin. That cop has no way to know if the person involved is friendly or a mass murderer, tired or drunk, choking to death on an almond or reaching for a rifle. In order to survive each day, and go home at the end of the day, they must assume the worst and hope for the best.
I am now prepared for my lashing of “willfully ignorant” and ” privilege” lectures.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA No.
boy you think you can talk about privilege and ignorance
SHUT THINE FACE PUNY MORTAL YOU KNOW NOT OF WHICH YOU SPEAK
I love kicking men off my Facebook, it’s been happening more and more often the older and more ill-tempered I get.
A-yep.
Oh, sorry, I totally missed the link the first time round. God, what a tool. Good riddance.
RIGHT?!?!?! I’m sure he’s thinking someday I’ll terribly regret my harsh and hasty words, but, um, not likely, dude.
Oh Jesus. You did good work. I also love his closing lines to you – “THIS IS WHY CHANGE WILL NEVER HAPPEN, NOT WITHOUT BEING NICE” – because it basically affirms everything you said to him.
Thank you! and a-yep.
TOAST FRIENDS
CAN WE TALK ABOUT SCARY VIDEO GAMES
I PLAYED THE NEW SILENT HILL DEMO IN A DARKENED HOUSE ALL ALONE WITH MY BOYFRIEND AND SCREAMED TWICE
A friend of mine played that and had trouble getting to sleep for the next two nights!
Man, I can’t even watch *videos* of scary games in broad daylight. (Why did I watch those Amnesia and Silent Hill clips.) So mad respect here.
I have exactly zero skill at video games beyond repeatedly driving cars off of cliffs in Grand Theft Auto, but I love watching other people play scary games! It is almost as entertaining as actual horror movies for me.
I straight up can’t play them. I used to play a little Fatal Frame on the earlier Xbox but like. . . 20 minutes at a time. I won’t play LIMBO unless someone else is around. (I die a lot, so I scream a lot). And even in non-horror games I’m cringey–I hate going into a strange new cave in Skyrim and it took me forever to realize that Mass Effect never, never puts a surprise enemy behind a closed door. (It sometimes puts enemies behind closed doors but hint VERY STRONGLY that you should seek cover before the door opens.)
Oh my god, I love LIMBO. My favourite video games are ones that are very heavily atmospheric with little in the way of plot (Journey!). LIMBO is so very beautiful but so very upsetting. That spider!
It’s a BEAUTIFUL game, for a really dark version of beautiful, but the most fun I had playing it was when I had a couple of friends over, and we sat in a row on my couch and handed off the controller whenever someone died. That way none of us got stuck on one puzzle for too long. I forfeited a lot of turns, though, because we were screaming so much (spiders, but also scary little boys and secret bear traps) that one my cats got very anxious and wanted to be held.
(“Are you okay?” ::tentatively sniffs your nose:: You smell okay. . . am *I* okay? ::buries face in your elbow::)
I watched the Game Grumps Let’s Play of PT and the Achievement Hunter Let’s Play of Five Nights at Freddy’s and I found them both horrifying.
But I do enjoy 20 and 30 something year old guys allowing themselves to be scared by video games.
Nothing will be funnier to me than watching videos of gamer dudes playing Amnesia. Nothing.
(note: I punked out at the water part, and only know what happens because I watched a friend of mine play.)
ok, so I rarely play specifically scary games, but some sections of Oblivion, Fallout 3, Fallout New Vegas and Skyrim scared the shit out of me.
Namely:
The Dunwich Building
And pretty much any level that has tenseness and jump scares
I’ve watched multiple playthroughs of this and I still find myself instinctively yanking my headphones off during them, even though I know what happens. I don’t think I could manage to actually play through it myself.
LISA
[shrieks forever]
I played part of Dead Space 2. It was my first “horror” type game and it was pretty scary.
I told my BF I’d sit with him while he played, then got high as hell that night, and had to sit with my eyes closed, fingers in my ears, and hair covering my face while he went through until a door wouldn’t open and he got fed up. The next day, I sat with him again, completely sober in broad daylight, and STILL had to close eyes, fingers in ears, etc. SO SCARY. He got murderlated at least once, too, which didn’t help.
Toasties, it’s been a whirlwind week! I signed a lease on a new apartment with two ladies from craigslist who seem lovely, and I got a new job! (Technically an apprenticeship that only runs to the end of the year, but it’s at a place that seems very cool in a field I want to be in). I even, heaven help me, downloaded Tinder again.
So, um, how do you make friends as an adult? I sort of like the idea of joining some sort of activity, but I don’t really know where to start? Also I have not insignificant social anxiety, and I feel like I may have trouble breaking into a pre-established social circle. I’m in Boston, if anyone wants to take pity on a 22 year old misandrist.
HAHA LET US KNOW WHEN YOU FIGURE IT OUT
Seriously though, making friends as an adult is haaaaaard. I have had some luck joining things that involve some sort of activity, which feels less like trying to stampede right into a set social group. Right now I play rec soccer and weekly trivia, and I have a couple friends that are slowly transitioning from “soccer friend” or “trivia friend” to “actual friend I hang out with on purpose sometimes.” So if you’re into any organized activities like that, maybe look into them in your new city?
There are also a TON of Toasties in Boston — I know because I jealously spy on their activities from my lonely Western Mass outpost. Join the Facebook group, they’re always planning stuff!
Edit: I apparently missed the part you wrote up there about joining an activity and then just rambled on about it forever. But yeah, do that! It sort of works sometimes maybe!
P.S. Congrats on getting a job!!!!
Wait, there’s a Boston Toasties scene? I must find this.
What’s the FB group?
I second the idea about joining an activity! What about a sports league? http://boston.playnakid.com/
I’ve had some pretty good success with a similar one and the great thing is that they plan a bunch of extra social events too!
(also if you have any hesitations about actually having to do the sports or worries that you’ll not be as good as everyone else, DO NOT FEAR. I too was super worried about that but no one really cares about winning – it’s all about the post-game happy hours!)
I WILL HANG OUT WITH YOU!!! Adult friends yay!
if only Misandry Clubs were a thing! social life would be so much easier to get through.
Maybe you could try volunteering? I don’t know anything about making new friends I haven’t done it in a while but volunteering seems like a good way to meet people who care about things you care about. Also, congrats on the new apartment and the new job!! Who knows, maybe your new roommates will turn out to be your future best buds?? Fingers crossed!
I recently moved to a new town, and I have been having the same problems, re: finding adult friends. I finally screwed up my courage and attended the library book club (they were reading Agatha Christie’s Autobiography; it was too hard to resist), and thoroughly surprised myself by contributing and rebutting the established members and everyone seemed happy for the conflicting interpretations of the book. I don’t know that these people will evolve into real friends, but it was certainly a good way to spend an evening! So, basically, see if you can find local bookclubs/discussion groups and it might be fun!
As a side note, any Toasties who know where Elko County is want to meet up sometime?
adult friend-making: why is it hard? so many dear ones live so far away! I find activity partners helpful (ie gym friends, work friends, coffee shop friends), and then gradually regular hangouts transition to friends. Also where I live its super normal to have people over for dinner, so I have done that a lot – but only with people from my work who I think are cool.
TOASTIES, I am so pumped to take to the sea on Monday! By which I mean that I am going to the shore and it will be WONDERFUL.
Bartender, I would like nothing better than to sit and have ice cream with you while you talk out your troubles, or just sit in companionable healing silence over our ice cream.
The week is going well; the day is going poorly. I’m still healing from my surgeries, and I can’t help being impatient. I know it takes longer than this to bounce back, but I feel frustrated by my pain and exhaustion, and bored by my limited diet. (btw, that “ice cream” will be fat-free sorbet. Unflavored for me!”)
Heal well and swiftly!
Ugh. Patience during recovery is THE WORST.
Riiiiiiight? COME ON, PUNY MORTAL BODY, GET IT TOGETHER.
Incremental measurements, if you’re like me. Post-surgery, once I had permission to take walks (slow and short), I set myself tiny goals. Each week I increase my walks by one minute. I’m on a treadmill, so I increase my speed by one tenth of mph each week.
Even though I am walking only 15 minutes a day at less than 2 mph, I feel frustration less often. When I do feel it, I can review where I began (10 minutes, less than 1 mph) and far I’ve come (50% increase!). I also review how I feel. I used to be exhausted after a treadmill session. I can now step off the treadmill and go take a shower without resting first. And I remind myself that I will increase my time and speed in only 3 days.
It boils down to mind games. I can fool myself. You’re probably too smart for that. It’s a curse, intelligence.
I am familiar with your frustrations. I am sorry you feel pain and fatigue. Wishing you comfort and healing.
For sure, the incremental goals are a winner. I belong to a Health Month team, which is entirely devoted to self-defined incremental changes, and I’ve been completely persuaded of their power to motivate and shape larger goals.
Speaking of incremental changes, I was promoted into a new weight class yesterday: for the first two weeks, I was allowed to lift/push/pull no more than 8 lbs (“a gallon of milk,” they kept saying). Now I may lift/push/pull TWENTY POUNDS at a time. The horizons this opens up will make a big change in my daily life. I can do a load of laundry! I can lift a full cast-iron pot of soup! I can buy a gallon of milk and something else! (One day shortly after my release, I headed out to buy milk and had to turn around halfway there to leave my bag at home: I couldn’t carry both the bag and the milk home.)
If it were anyone else in the world, I’d be patient, but apparently I haven’t extended my patience to myself as well as I’d like. With each new achievement comes a new level of exhaustion, of boredom, of pain, and I can’t help feeling frustrated. Thanks for listening.
thank you. and heal like the mighty wind!
I saw this comic on Twitter this week and I think it’s changed my life for the better. A friend pointed out that it also connects nicely to my favorite scene in Moonrise Kingdom. (“Was he a good dog?” “Who’s to say? But he didn’t deserve to die.”)
Thank you for sharing this. It has also changed my life for the better.
I sent that cartoon (I saw it on Tumblr) to everyone I know who owns a dog and a few people who don’t.
Yeah this is pretty much the best thing in the world.
What’s a good comic? THIS IS!
thank you. I am making this my desktop background, because it is just that kind of week.
Thanks for giving me my first decoration in my new office!
How long into dating do people usually have The Relationship Talk? I’ve been seeing a guy for a short time now (somewhere between 2-3 months), and I like him a whole lot. Aside from general insecurities that have everything to do with me and nothing to do with him, I’m not particularly worried about making things serious/exclusive yet.
But then my friends are all, “why haven’t we met him yet?” and “why don’t you call him your boyfriend?” and “wait, you’re considering going on a date with another guy who asked you out? but what about [guy you’re dating]?”
I think that I do eventually want to move things toward being exclusive, and if he were to call me up today and say “I want us to date only each other,” I’d be on board. But I’m not inclined to be the one to bring it up just because my friends are prodding me. Is it a bad sign that neither of us has brought up The Talk yet, or are my friends just being busybodies? How long after dating have you all Made It Official?
(If it matters at all, I met this guy through an online dating site, so I still feel like I’m getting to know him – it’s not like we had been friends for a while and started dating from there. We started as strangers and I feel we are still learning lots about each other!)
I don’t have any wisdom (I’m at the 6 month point myself) but am tagging in here to make sure I see what smart statements others bring.
With my husband we had been going on regular weekly or twice-weekly dates for something like ten or twelve weeks before we were all “yep, only each other” even though in practice we were already exclusive. I don’t think 2-3 months is that strange! You are right that you are still getting to know each other, and I don’t think it’s a bad sign.
This is all normal, you are fine, your friends are probably just up in your beeswax as friends can be sometimes.
I find it easier to announce what I feel/need, and just stare at them until I get a response (rather than asking, “what are we,” which leaves the door open for more vagueness, like “let’s just play it by ear”). So, for example, I would just say, “hey, I get really anxious when I’m sleeping with someone and I don’t know whether we’re exclusive.” Commence staring.
oh, and I’m perfectly fine doing this within two weeks or less. but that’s because I put out immediately.
Stealing the staring part for a variety of awkward situations.
It’s a lawyer tactic. If you stare at someone without speaking, they will divulge all their secrets and anxieties just to fill the silence.
Also a psych major tactic, if my mother (who was one) is to be believed. She’s also so good at it that despite now knowing her secret, when she does the silent staring thing, I cave like a dampened crepe paper house.
Both this tactic and your username are amazing.
Absolutely whenever you want. Or never.
I am actually pretty jealous about sharing my friends. I mean, I had some serious relationships with dudes who got very involved in my friend circle, and when we broke up, the dudes dropped off the face of the earth. That is hardly fair to my awesome, sparkling, beautiful friends, who were so kind as to let him in.
So these days, while I’m more of a casual dater, I often go quite awhile before my friends get to meet a guy I’m seeing. In some cases they may never meet at all. Or they might meet early on, not because I want to be exclusive with the guy, but because he’s a good dude and circumstances are right for everyone to hang out together.
Re: being exclusive, some guys I like quite a lot and don’t wish to share; other guys I like quite a lot but don’t feel territorial about so we stay in an open relationship. So I actually like to have *that* talk fairly early on, because it’s something I feel that I know pretty early on and I want a partner to have clear expectations.
If you’re worried about it, would it help to think about it in terms of actions and conditions rather than labels? What would being a boyfriend mean, anyway? Does it mean hanging out a certain number of times a week? Interacting in certain ways? Being exclusive or at least being primary? Those answers would tell you a lot more than “boyfriend” would anyway.
I weirdly feel more protective of him than of my friends in this situation. While my friends are well-intentioned and love me very much, they can be kind of intimidating/overwhelming. Just a lot of “big personalities,” y’know? So when the times comes he’s going to meet like, 1 or 2 of them at a time.
The actions/conditions are definitely more important to me, but it’s also useful for me to know how to talk about and introduce him! I think once we set certain conditions (being exclusive/hanging out x times per week/meeting friends) the labels will just kind of fit so I’m not super worried about that. I think I do want to be exclusive with him, but that doesn’t have to happen rightnow. I would be content to make that happen down the road if it’s not time for that yet.
Duderino and I had the “I’m not sleeping with anyone else nor do I have any intentions to do so” chat after just a couple of weeks, which I guess is pretty early but it felt like the right time. He met my friends after about a month mostly because I had a spare ticket to a baseball game – I was happy to have him meet them (and he was happy to meet them) and it didn’t feel rushed, but I don’t know that I would’ve made an occasion to do so if one hadn’t sprung up naturally, if that makes any sense. The “we call eachother girl/boyfriend” thing happened sort organically…anyway, just goes to show that you do what feels right for you and hang what anyone else says. Just make sure you’re not staying mum to avoid rocking the boat, if you ARE sure about what you want or need.
Oh, good point. I think I am a little afraid of rocking the boat at this point. But what good is a steady boat if I don’t know where it’s going?
Sarah Davis nailed it. Determine what *you* want. Focus on “actions and conditions” rather than labels.
Your friends are being busybodies.
I dunno my boyfriend drove that bus I would have been happy NEVER talking about and also never meeting any of his friends. But noooooo he had to be all “let’s DTR! Come to this huge thanksgiving party with all my friends! Etc.” So the choice was made for me.
Do you. Really do you. The best relationships I think are the ones that evolve somewhat naturally. When the words “let’s be exclusive” or “I love you” or “please meet my friends because I feel like I can’t exist without them knowing you ANY LONGER” are bursting from your lips, that is a good time to say those things. Your friends are suggesting artificial markers, instead of ones that are authentic representations of the feelings you are feeling.
Enjoy this thing you are doing with another person! It’s pretty magic to be getting to know someone.
My girlfriend and I met online as well! I think we spent a couple months chatting exclusively online, then had a month and a half of casual in-person dating before making it official/exclusive. We’ve been together for a little over four years now, so it’s worked out, but as in all things, your choices are your own.
I think everyone who’s commented already is right–do what makes you happiest/most comfortable, because ultimately, you matter the most.
ALSO, I got an all-staff email reminder that employee evaluations are coming up, so my anxiety levels just went through the roof. I haven’t really gotten any feedback, either positive or negative, so it’s hard for me to gauge how I’m doing. I mean, I am fulfilling my duties to the best of my ability, etc. but the main problem is, I have very few duties. (tbqh I have no idea why The Powers That Be felt the need to staff this position.) I’ve mentioned this to my boss and other coworkers and they’ve said stuff like “Oh yeah, this job has a lot of downtime” and there’s very little in the way of extra projects to take on until things pick up. So… is it okay that I spend a good chunk of my time reading articles online and commenting on Toast posts? I’m just super paranoid that I’m going to go in there and my boss will be all “YOU SUCK AND EVERYONE HATES YOU.” Which I know is super unlikely, but that’s anxiety for you.
NB I am not the kind of gung-ho, proactive person who asks for feedback unless I am reasonably sure that the answer will at least be lukewarm.
Hey, samesies! Except, I requested a performance review because technically I was supposed to have one at 6 months but nobody made any noises about actually doing it, and I’ve been having incredibly intense anxiety that everyone hates me for going on Facebook too much even though I get everything done on time and take on some stuff independently, etc. I feel like everyone else around me is super focused and working intensely long hours and I’m the only one who messes around and leaves by 6pm, which may or may not actually be the case. The review was supposed to be yesterday but it had to be postponed till Tuesday so now I am in a state of CONSTANT PANIC and have convinced myself I’m going to be fired even though I’m the one who requested the meeting in the first place. Sigh.
Having nothing to do on the job is a special kind of nerve-wracking. I sympathize. Do your employee evaluations involve any kind of self-evaluation beforehand? Mine do, and the advice I’ve received for those is to unabashedly feature something you’ve done really well. This starts the conversation off on the “I’m awesome” foot. Even if you don’t have explicit self-evaluations beforehand, it might help to do some brainstorming along those lines.
It might also be an opportunity to reiterate that you’d be happy to take on more work–I know you said there are no extra projects, but maybe there are systems/procedures in your workplace that could be optimized, but no one’s taken the time to look at it because they haven’t had the time or initiative? Or something like that. It sounds like you’re doing a good job so far, so I can assure you that keeping you around to continue doing a good job at what you’re already trained in is probably the path of least resistance for them. 🙂
I have the same anxiety every time evals roll around, even though I’ve only ever had positive reviews. Chances are you’re much harder on yourself than a supervisor will be, especially since they’ve already acknowledged the downtime as a part of your position. What helps calm me is create a list of any important projects I’ve worked on or especially shining moments of awesome, as well as being aware of what negatives could come up and how to respond.
If it helps, a good supervisor will not wait until the eval to blindside you with lots of negative feedback or un-addressed issues.
thanks for all the kale recipe suggestions last week, guys. I have never been more regular!
this week is going okay, but apparently my FAVORITE BAGEL PLACE IN THE WORLD (in the worlllllddddd) has closed, and is reopening, but under new management, and they have GUTTED their bagel sandwich menu. GUTTED. they have this sandwich called the Tequila Sunrise which tastes like THE JESUS, and got rid of it because they are PONTIUS PILATE or something, whoever killed the Jesus, I don’t remember, I don’t think there was a Veggie Tale about that chapter of the Bible.
bagels are so important.
Bagels are so important. I was in Montreal earlier this month and basically subsisted on an all-bagel diet.
Last time I was in Montreal I stayed in an Airbnb that was walking distance from Fairmont and St-Viateur. I conducted several taste tests.
I order cream cheese and tomato on a salt bagel every day for lunch. Never gets old, man.
I was in Montreal today (hence why I am commenting so late) and we bought many bagels (1/2 dozen sesame for my stepson, a dozen poppy seed to share between me, my daughter and my partner and an experimental 1/2 dozen rosemary — we ate a couple of those in the car between St Viateur and Drawn and Quarterly and we are still not sure about them, maybe toasted with butter).
This is a tragedy of epic proportions and I am so sorry. I love bagels and I love bagel sandwiches even more.
What ever happened to the Programming thread? I think there was another Toastie that would post it (the RIot Grrl piece earlier this week reminded me of it).
Anyone programming? I’m digging through old programs and cleaning them up to put on my GitHub, and maybe play with some Pandas soon. Or twisted.
I’m learning R! That’s kind of programming, right? It’s very… different than anything else I’ve ever done. But not as scary or hard as I thought it would be. It’s very hard to remember all the syntax at first, though.
Cool! I’m actually starting a “Stats with R” class in a couple of weeks, and yeah, syntax is always tough. I write up text files with basics, shortcuts and commonly used things (like loops) for all the languages I use and keep them handy.
Here’s a cheat sheet that has helped me some: http://cran.r-project.org/doc/contrib/Short-refca…
I found it irritating at first that the syntax seemed so inconsistent from function to function and that there’s like 8 different ways to do any given thing, but I’ve decided to view that as a charming artifact of open-source, collaboratively written software rather than a plan to drive me nuts.
I did that sometimes! I haven’t done it in months because I went from a student schedule to a 9-5 work schedule, and because the FOT got a lot earlier, but I’m always glad to see other people start one.
I’ve been wrestling with PHP and XML these past two days. I underestimated how complicated it was going to be, so I started everything with SimpleXML, and found to my vast dismay that I needed to do things SimpleXML couldn’t, so now I’m switching over to DOMDocument XML in some functions and it’s a big mess. Just a big spaghetti pile of XML node paths.
Oh my god everyone commented by the time I got here!
FYI on 9/5 there is gonna be a Toast Meetup in NYC, Buzzfeed event adjacent! It’ll be at RPM Bar, at a yet to be determined time, but presumably after work, and there will be snacks.
I just had an interview for an internal job, that I’ve already been doing sometimes, and I really want it, and it would be a permanent position, and I could get MY TEETH CLEANED. I think I’ve got a good chance, and I should know by next week! I am wearing a shirt with tiny cat faces all over it, which makes me happy, and somehow brings me luck, I think.
But now that I’ve had the interview, I just want to go home.
Also, we scheduled my poor cat’s appointment to have all this teeth extracted next month. I hope we’re doing the right thing!
Sending good thoughts and tightly crossed extremities your way.
Ahhh! Good luck with everything–job! cat! going home early!
TOASTFRIENDS HOW ALSO DO YOU TELL YOUR LONG-TERM BOYFRIEND YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED ONE DAY
HELP
Haaaaa I always just did it while I was drunk so in case he took me seriously I could be like, “HO THAT WAS A JOKE JEEEEZ”. And I’m now engaged, so apparently all my drunken rambling worked!
I did that once! As in, we both got very drunk at a (300+ people, excessive, very Italian) wedding and I was like “I promise it won’t be this crazy if we get married! IF, IF, I SAID IF” and he was like “I AM 28 DON’T GET SCARED I’VE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS BEFORE” and I think at that point I just kept repeating the word “IF” while consuming more wine.
I think you’ve got this down to a science. Don’t mess with what works!
Agreed I think this is probably the best strategy in most circumstances.
here is how my mom did it, this is true: after they had been on and off for about nine years, and after he bought a house and invited her to live in it and then stopped, like he was done and satisfied, she got up one morning and said to him: [his name], I am in my late 30s so I am going to have my children in the next year or two, that is decided. and because I am old-fashioned, I require to be married to the man who fathers them. If you want to be the lucky man who is the father of my children, you will therefore have to take certain steps. I am going out now, and when I come back tonight we will have a conversation, if you think of anything you want to talk to me about. no pressure though.
I must say that respect for her choices is not the very first emotion that this story brings to my mind, but I can tell you that it worked. as she tells it, he had no objections at all, he had just never been told what was what before.
(but if your boyfriend is not as determinedly self-involved as my dad apparently was, I think a nice romantic “will you marry me” might be all that you need.)
Well goddamn. I one day hope to be this direct in my decisions.
I am going out now, and when I come back tonight we will have a conversation, if you think of anything you want to talk to me about.
ha. but this is what happens when you bring up a smart and stubborn girl in an intensely conservative religious rural environment in the 1940s. you get a woman who is completely and totally of the oldfangled practical-women-manipulate-dreamy-men school, who endorses gender roles 100 percent, who would never (to my immense frustration as a child) acknowledge that she could have gotten the same end result by just proposing herself instead of forcefully boxing him into doing it, but who nevertheless got exactly what she wanted.
she claims to this day that she wasn’t trying to coerce him into anything, she was just giving him all the information he needed to come to his own conclusions. and if he hadn’t proposed that night she would have just gone off and found someone else to marry, she wasn’t bluffing. since even though living in sin was fine, I guess — actually, she says it wasn’t fine, but she really liked the house — bastards would be a scandal.
a woman who is completely and totally of the oldfangled practical-women-manipulate-dreamy-men school, who endorses gender roles 100 percent
Is that Lee Pace? No one does “exasperated sigh” quite like he does.
Yes! It’s from The Fall.
“Hello I really like this and I think I would like this forever, one day, what do you think?”
Fair warning: some dudes may not have really thought that far ahead (cough). Don’t be worried or upset if he needs a minute just to think about “forever” and “married” as concepts, and then realize “yes I would like with you too!” (one hopes).
He’s 28, and I know for a fact that he’s thought that far ahead, but as he has very little idea as to what he even wants to do career-wise, I feel like what to do relationship-wise is going to be even more difficult for him to conceptualize. We have no plans to end this relationship any time soon, I just feel like he’s probably content to keep it in exactly the same status as it is right now? I’ve also come to the decision that I would like us to at least be engaged before we move in together, which may scare him a little. I just see no point in spending all that money and uprooting myself for something with so little permanence? I am not a “let’s try this for awhile and see where it goes” sort of person, not at this stage in our relationship. I dunno!
Well being unsure in your career doesn’t necessarily mean the same for your personal life. I think my advice still (kind of) stands – “Hi, I love you, and I want to marry you. I want to be engaged before we move in together [on the date/this month/whatever]. What do you think about that timeline?” Maybe he’ll need time to think about it, maybe he won’t, but I think being clear about your desires and expectations is the best thing to do.
It’s like when you make the move from “dating” to “exclusive,” at some point you have a talk to make sure everyone’s on the same page. You’re just at a different turning point.
Perfect! If you are talking about living together, there has to be a gentle way to say, I’d feel more comfortable about moving in together if we were engaged, because that move is a big step and I’d like to be able to discuss some long-term plans openly, from what our budget looks like to where we want to live to what we do if one of us gets sick or whatever.
A friend told her boyfriend, “I’ve always thought before I could live with someone, I’d have to be engaged to them,” and her boyfriend of three years said he was open to getting married, so they talked about the timeline right away. My partner and I lived together for 5+ years before we got into this whole engagement thing, and I wouldn’t change how it happened, but I wish we had talked about the possibility sooner (without fear of freaking out the other).
It’s also really really nice to talk honestly about what a wedding would look like before you get engaged. Planning is hard and it’ll hit you like a truck. It’s good if the other person has said, “I want a 400 person potluck” or “I want to be on a boat with only our two closest friends” before you get into all that stuff. If you’re attending weddings or sitting on a porch with a couple of drinks during your vacation and can talk about it purely hypothetically, do it.
When I decided I was going to marry the Fellow, it was about three months after I’d flown to Vancouver to tell him he should move back and date me (to which he replied “oh. Okay!”). My mom asked me while he was out of the room how things were going, and I pondered for a moment and said “Good. I’m gonna marry him, I think.” My mom shrugged and said “Sounds good.” I relayed this story to him later that day, and when he didn’t freak out, it was just always an assumed end goal after that.
(tl:dr, I just told him I was going to. This perhaps isn’t the most helpful approach).
Hah, this is adorable! Your mom sounds cool.
I think it is the most helpful approach!
Do you want to get married “one day” or do you want to get married now?
If it’s the former, you can just start randomly bringing it up, like, when read something about marriage (it’s the internet, there are always opinion pieces on everything) and mention to him that you read it, and would like to do that some day. And then turn that into a conversation, or the next time, and so on.
That’s what I did, at any rate. It’s not subtle though, so your mileage may vary.
Oh, I was a giant baby about this for a long time. The easiest way is to start the discussion based on some future sacrifice or compromise you’re going to have to make for the relationship. E.g., if one of you wants to go back to school, or move to another city, or have a kid, or buy a house, etc. Then it’s easy to work in, “I want to do xyz with you, but I think I’m only comfortable making that kind of sacrifice/compromise if we’re getting married.
The harder part is dealing with the answer. I recommend deciding in advance what you’re ok with. Like, if he says, “oh sure babe, someday” — will you be satisfied? What if another year goes by? What do you need to feel ok?
Yes, this might work, since I’m kind of only comfortable with moving in together if we’re engaged because I really don’t want to uproot myself and make a commitment like that without any real permanence.
I think I just want a sort of rough game plan? Like, “Okay, we will get married in a few years when both our careers are settled”, or “when we have XYZ amount of money saved up” or even “we’ll get engaged when we move in together”
In my experience, once you’ve decided you want that commitment from someone, it’s hard to be satisfied with a condition-based promise like “we’ll do it when our careers are settled.” Because that’s not a promise at all (especially since careers never really settle in the way you expect them to). Don’t be afraid to advocate your needs and get a real answer (even if the answer is “I’m not ready,” that’s real information you can use).
This this this. Unless that condition involves a date instead of a vague milestone, it’s not going to do much. Life is always messy. Marriage has moved from something we do when we’re young to something we do when we feel we’ve accomplished everything else. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, but I firmly believe that there’s no “right” time for these sorts of things, and they have to happen sooner or later (I mean, if that’s what you want).
The big “game plan” piece of advice I would give, as a veteran of a few of these types of conversations now, is that it really helps if you make sure the other person knows you’re just starting a conversation and they don’t need to answer you immediately on the spot — they can think about it a little on their own, or you can talk it over for a few days so that you both have a chance to reflect and have the time to become comfortable and happy and excited about the major life decision.
Just saying explicitly that this can be an ongoing conversation (rather than a decision they have to make on the spot, because you’re asking them a question!) can really relieve the pressure and make it go a lot better.
What are his attitudes about marriage generally? I would say if he’s someone who is not sure whether he wants to get married ever, is uncertain about the institution, etc. it might be a bit trickier. But if he’s someone for whom the eventual goal of a long-term relationship is marriage, he would like to get married someday, then yeah! I’d be pretty direct about it. Just talk to him about it sometime when you’re both feeling close and romantic.
I talked about this last week but I went with the truly horrifying and undignified and not-intentional move of starting to cry when he told me his younger brother bought a ring for his girlfriend.
Oh God, I remember that. That sounded like an emotional wringer; that and the other people getting married. Things are better now?
i just said “hey i want to get married one day, hopefully it’s to you” and he was pretty much like “yeah that would be nice” and we got engaged about six months later.
or you could be like my undergrad professor/mentor/friend, who told me she and her husband just looked at each other while doing dishes together and one of them was like “hmm we should maybe get like, legal married” and the other went “hmm yes let’s do that next month”.
I said “Remember how I was always like marriage is stupid, don’t get married, it is stupid? I feel less like that now.” And then I got surprise knocked up about three weeks later and we were like “well, let’s not plan a wedding while trying to handle a newborn.” Wedding anniversary 5/11, baby born 7/26. Kicking it old school.
Go to 7 weddings in one year. Get drunk at all of them. WORKED FOR ME.
But seriously, I internet-met my boyfriend, and after about 4 or 5 months, I was like “look you should know about me that I am a person who wants to get married and have children one day. I really really like you, so I need to know if that is something you want to do one day too, for crucial decision-making reasons.” He was into it (to a degree, at the time), and now we live together and talk about getting married all the time. I mean, there’s no ring on my finger (ring ambivalence aside), but I think we probably will do it.
My good friend said to her boyfriend: “look, I want to get married one day, and if we keep dating, I will want it to be with you. I don’t need you to say yes right now, but I need to know that it is a possibility. Can we talk about that?”
And then later, after he was like “yup its on the horizon” and she was getting itchy, she said to him: “I need to know that you have a plan. I don’t want to know what it is, and it doesn’t have to be very soon, but I really need to know that you have a plan.” And he was like “yup I do”. And then he got a bonus, and bought a ring, and proposed, and they just got married in May, and now they have a lot of fertility drugs around the house.
My wife just basically casually proposed to me (like standing in the kitchen, “so, do you want to get married?”) and then we got married. So there is that method.
Can we talk about Netflix plz? What are you binge watching?
I just finished watching all three seasons of The Borgias, and oh man, I am experiencing some major withdrawals. WHY do the best shows always get cancelled prematurely? If anyone can recommend another series with gorgeous period costumes, political drama and intrigue, violence and lots of hot hot sexual tension between two or more hot hot actors, please do so!
All Murder She Wrote, all the time. All 12 seasons are up now, so there’s really no need for me to watch anything else for the next year (until Season 2 of Arrow pops up on WatchInstantly, so I can get my fill of shirtless ladder pull ups).
I started doing the same thing after that article! I just started season 9. I started having Murder She Wrote dreams – sometimes I was Jessica, sometimes I was a bystander, sometimes I was the murderer and Jessica would scold me gently until I agreed to call the sheriff and turn myself in.
I haven’t seen Outlander yet but it seems like maybe that’ll be good!!!
I liked the first 2 eps of Outlander! The main dude is SMOKING HOT.
GOD I shipped those siblings so hard.
OMG yes yes yes I think I have, like, a sibling fetish now?
The HBO series Rome perfectly describes what you’re looking for but it was also canceled prematurely 🙁
From what I heard, Rome was never going to be more than two seasons long, mostly because it cost sooo so much to make.
But yes Rome everybody watch it!!
I will! I will!
Adding The Borgias to my queue because my life needs more hot hot sexual tension I can vicariously live through and because I trust Toastie judgement.
I’m binge-watching Futurama because I’d never seen it before (took about a month and a half to get to the 10th season… urgh) and Sailor Moon on Hulu because I HAD ALSO NEVER SEEN IT BEFORE SUCH TRAGEDY. Sadly I can’t suggest any period dramas 🙁 but if anyone likes crime shows and doesn’t mind knowing they were canceled young, LIFE is a really good one. And it’s only two seasons for those of you (like me) who get impatient with long drawn out binge-watching marathons.
I never watched Alias when it was on (maybe it conflicted with something else?) so I’m watching it now. If anyone wants to discuss Alias season 1 with me, I am ready.
Having horrified my girlfriend (and in a moment large swaths of Toasties, I’m sure; prepare yourselves) with the admission I’d never seen Pushing Daisies, she promptly acquired all of it through Nefarious Means so we could watch over dinner.
I love it so much.
Hey guys!! Hope everyone’s friday is going great. Just started commenting again and wanted to say, you people have made my life so much more entertaining/comforting/hilarious/reassuring the past week or so, and for that I am very grateful. Thanks for being AWESOME.
What’s everyone doing this weekend?? I’m going to a baseball game and hopefully making up with a friend/girlfriend/we have a complicated thing, okay?! – after getting into a ridiculous, ridiculous fight a few days ago. Also, I hope there will be pie at some point. Whatever you’re all doing, I hope you have a great one. Cheers!
I’m marathoning the last season of Community that just came out on DVD.
Good luck with the making up! And pie!
Thank you! We’ll see how it goes, womp womp. The pie, though, that I should be good on. I am responsible for my own pie.
I am sending off my last days of freedom before 3+ years of sludging through part-time grad school. Tomorrow my team has a soccer game, and then a patio drinks / video game night at my friend’s new house. And then Sunday going tubing (and probably freezing). But looking forward to it all!
Soccer, drinks, video games, and tubing YOU ARE DOING IT RIGHT. Enjoy your freedom and good luck with grad school!!
A friend and I were going to go pick wild blueberries and huckleberries, but rumour is the berry-picking sucks this season so we might just go hang out at the Fall Fair watching lumberjack competitions and draft horses pull things all weekend instead.
Lumberjack competitions = yes. Have fun!
That sounds like so much fun!
I’m so glad that I’m getting to see you in these threads more.
Thanks, man, me too, me too. I’m still getting my legs back, though 🙂
is it a Nats game? because, holy hell those boys are on fire lately
Yes! It’ll be my second this week, I cannot get enough of them.
I finished Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell yesterday, and I loved it. I loved it so much that I was artificially stretching out the reading experience so I could spend more time in the world. I’d dive back in if I didn’t have a huge stack of unread books waiting for me on my nightstand. I get that it’s not for everyone, but it was absolutely perfect for me.
Then I started The Cuckoo’s Calling and there’s a very minor character named Derrick Wilson which is close enough to Darren Wilson that I’m already assuming he did it.
Oh, books! Books books books! I am just beginning Lawrence Hill’s The Book of Negroes after years of wanting to get around to it but never doing it–and so far I like it very much. And after this I’m going to read Still Missing and then begin Outlander for the very first time.
I’m almost to the end of that one!!! (Jonathan Strange, not The Cuckoo’s Calling). I have also been stretching it out for far too long, but I’m not sure what to pick to read next. I have an obscenely long list, and I’m trying to mostly read female authors this year (except Walt Whitman breaks, because he feeds my soul).
All of that to say, hooray books!
If you liked Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell, I recommend The Bartimaeus Trilogy. It’s pretty different (the writing is faster-paced and the setting and the way magic works are not at all the same), but it hits some of the same notes, including classy magicians messing with dangerous forces and witty footnotes, and depending on what you liked about Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell, there’s a good chance you’ll like this too.
Cool, I will stick it on the list. Witty footnotes are the best, and I am thoroughly loving every bit of alternate history with magic and faeiries that I’ve encountered so far. Thanks for the rec
yessss I loved those books!!!! Sorta similar ish to the Artemis Fowl books in witty strangeness but older and more sophisticated (though I also loved the Artemis Fowl books, up until the 4th one because I remember the 4th one sucking)
though the more I think about it the more I am thinking I am wrong about Artemis Fowl being similar because I haven’t read any of these books in so long :/ accck
No, it basically is an older and more sophisticated Artemis Fowl. I think if you divided up aspects of Artemis’s personality into two characters you could get Bartimaeus and Nathaniel. I also agree that the 4th one sucked.
Huzzah! My brain didn’t poop out! Also this thread delights me because I read the Jonathan Strange book AGES ago and this is reminding me that I have it here in the place where I live and I can go back to it anytime I want a break from the GoT books!!! Yay!
Thank you! Those are some of the things I liked about Jonathan Strange so I will check this out.
Thank you for this recommendation I desperately need something to fill the hole in my being left by there not being a sequel to Jonathan Strange.
The Ladies of Grace Adieu, the book of short stories that’s sort of a companion to Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell, is FANTASTIC.
Whoa whoa what now? There’s a sort of companion book?
Thanks for the tip. Time to track it down!
YOU GUYS my fiancee and I met with a real estate agent last night to buy a house and I experienced a minor freakout. 1) I have lived in the city, in apartments, for 17 years. 2) I have not lived with another human for 8 years. COMMENCE PANIC.
Good luck! I’m sure everything will be fine, even if it takes some panic to get there 🙂
…did anyone do the Pottermore sorting quiz? I am late to the party, but I had a minor moment of existential crisis when it turned out I was a Slytherin. I have accepted it now, I know it to be true in my heart. What did JK Rowling see when she looked into your soul?
Although I haven’t been sorted in Pottermore, every test I take pronounces me a Slytherin and it’s something I know in my (cold, blackened) heart to be true.
The same thing happened to me! I always thought I was a Ravenclaw, then BAM, sorted into Slytherin. I was shocked at first, but now I get it.
I thought I would be Ravenclaw too, but the quiz understood my true self, that which even I was not yet wise enough to see.
Pottermore told me I was a Hufflepuff, which is consistent with every other sorting quiz I’ve ever taken. I am… definitely a Hufflepuff. Like, I had a brief flirtation with Ravenclaw in high school, but I have since decided that that was mainly what I wanted to be (at the time), and not my true Hogwartian Self.
I am a Gryffindor on Pottermore but I know in my heart I’m a borderline Slytherin.
I love this comment. 🙂
I remember scrambling to sign up for the beta version when I was 17, and got sorted into Ravenclaw. But I also believe only you can look into your soul.
This same thing happened to me. I had a crisis, and then I accepted it and moved on. I have not yet gotten over the Slytherin sorting + yew wand + dragon heartstring, so that the cumulative effect was “normally associated with dark wizards,” “ominous,” “especially skilled in curses and evil” — each one individually qualified with “but that doesn’t mean YOU’RE evil,” but c’mon, I can read the writing on the wall. So what, do I go to Durmstrang now?
Ha – I just checked and I have a dragon heartstring wand too. Lets be evil wizards together – the wizarding world could probably do with a change of management 😉
Mine too!
~MISANDRIST FASCISM~
Ravenclaw. All is right with the world.
I was also sorted into Slytherin, though I have always identified as a Ravenclaw. The majority of sorting quizzes I’ve taken mark me down as a Slytherin/Ravenclaw split, with the exception of one which inequivocally put me in Gryffindor. (LOL, nope.)
I am also a Slytherin!
I am a Slytherin too. But so was Snape! Embrace it.
Pottermore put me into Gryffindor.
When I was younger and reading the books I identified with Ravenclaw…but as an adult I’m pretty sure I am a Slytherin.
Slytherin, which I was fine with. Of course, when I was 15 an online sorting community on Livejournal pronounced me “some weird SlytherPuff combination that makes me uncomfortable :\ ” so I’ve had a lot of time to get used to my ~*~**tRuE~SeLf**~*~
I’m a Slytherin too! But I have always known this to be true. I was actually really nervous I was going to get anything OTHER than Slytherin, and was fully prepared to completely disavow the results and/or make additional accounts until I got what I wanted!
I am a Hufflepuff. Everyone who knows me knows this. If I take a sorting quiz, I will answer in whatever way I think is most likely to get me into Hufflepuff (which is probably not the most Hufflepuff of behaviors, but if I had been sorted at the age of 11 I might very well have ended up in Ravenclaw)
But there is nothing wrong with being a Slytherin! Slytherins dream big and fight to achieve their goals and say “f*ck the haters” and those are good things!
THIS HAPPENED TO ME. I was kind of upset so I deleted my account and then made a new one. I took the test again and it told me SLYTHERIN.
I accept and embrace House Slytherin. I also look BANGIN’ in Green.
Ravenclaw, as expected. But my mother was very adorably surprised to get Gryffindor when she was expecting Hufflepuff.
I just did the test and apparently I am a Gryffindor. However, as I have never read any of the Harry Potter books or seen any of the films, I have absolutely no idea what that means.
It means you are brave and valiant and we are enemies forever. 😀
AHHH I WAS SORTED INTO SLYTHERIN TOO!
…I’ve always considered myself a Gryffindor! o.o
I’m Gryffindor and while generally I am a “good/loyal person” I am also quite confident that Mr Sorting Hat got it entirely wrong. I’m a pie chart that’s about 49% Ravenclaw and 51% equal parts of all other 3 houses but not enough Ravenclaw to actually land me there. Maybe. I’m way too ambitious to be Ravenclaw but lazy enough to boot myself right out of Hufflepuff.
Amusing anecdote: the “chapter” at Platform 9-3/4 has a meowing cat that has CONVINCED my cat that I am hiding a second real-life cat somewhere in my room, so he comes streaking in and meows pathetically at me while I laugh at him and play the page for 5 minutes straight and videotape him searching my room. (#slytherin)
I haven’t taken the quiz but I know deep in my heart that it isn’t necessary. One day they will make a sitcom about me entitled “She’s so Ravenclaw”.
A++ sitcom pitch, would 100% watch every episode.
Because of you I just had to go get a Pottermore account and a wand and everything so I could get sorted and yes RAVENCLAW FOREVER
I have always been sorted a borderline Ravenclaw/Slytherin, but I am essentially Hermione down to the teeth and hair, so my righteous activist fury would probably impel the actual sorting hat to make me a Gryffindor.
Would you/did you invite an ex to your wedding? How did that go?
I did, and it wasn’t a big deal, but she didn’t come. So not super helpful, I guess.
I have to, because he married my childhood best friend. He’s very awkward about it, and I expect “work” will get in the way. Maybe not. I attended their wedding, and it was fine, if a teeny bit weird. But not unpleasant.
Depends on the ex. I was a bridesmaid at the wedding of my ex, soooooooo….
I was just at my boyfriend’s ex’s wedding (with my boyfriend, the ex), and it was lovely! A bit weird, but lovely. It allllll depends on the ex, I think, and context. I would not only refuse to go to another of his ex’s weddings, but would have to talk myself out of setting it on fire (she had some bad feelings about us dating, and acted out).
ETA: I felt the need to be quite generous, present-wise, with my bf’s ex. So there was that!
As everyone else says, totally depends on your relationship to the ex and your current partner’s feelings about the whole thing.
Are you still good buddies? Does your spouse-to-be like and enjoy Ex’s company? Go for it!
Are you just meh on Ex? Are you still angry about the breakup? (Or is Ex?) Would it make your fiance(e) feel bad to invite them? Don’t waste the invite.
Do you still have feelings other than simple friendly affection for your ex? DEFINITELY don’t invite them, and maybe reflect on whether getting married is a good idea right now.
All good advice. It was 12+ years ago, so it shouldn’t be too weird, but I’m leaning against it. We’re still good friends, but he didn’t get along with my family; it feels unfair to ask him to travel to my hometown and interact with them. But I think it’ll hurt his feelings not to be invited.
When I was planning my wedding, one piece of advice that I found helfpul was “an invite is not a court summons.” As in, if he doesn’t want to travel and/or deal with your family, he can always decline. So if you and your sweetie think it would be nice to invite him, go for it! If you’d rather not have him there, that’s fine too – and he will likely get over it.
My girlfriend and I have talked about the fact that not only will our respective exes likely be invited to the wedding, there’s a better-than-good chance at least two of them will dance together at some point during the reception.
We find this hilarious.
That’s great!!
I did! He didn’t wear shoes, and there were chopsticks in his hat, and he climbed a tree partway through. My other ex had an ENORMOUS mustache and talked about “the cinema” all through the reception
My husband’s family – lovely people – had spent my first visit to their country gently trying to explain that I could do better. “He’s not that great!” they said. “He’s weird! And pretty terrible at propriety!”
During the wedding, uncles and brothers kept sidling up to me: “Who is the man in the tree? Why are there sticks in his hat? WHERE ARE HIS SHOES. (shoes are important, culturally) Is that man’s mustache like that on purpose?”
“That’s my ex-boyfriend!” I said, cheerily, because apparently getting married just made me super cheerful about not planning a wedding EVER AGAIN. “He does that!”
They nodded. “You chose well. Good choice. Spousename is a good husband for you.” Then they patted me in a pitying sort of way – I imagine because they were thinking of dating in the US as a hellscape, full of people who are very bad at propriety.
Soooo, inviting an ex; it might clear up a lot of lingering doubts your future inlaws have about your relationship. This might be good. Possibly.
Tattoo’d Toasties! How was your experience? I am thinking of getting one, and my ultimate wish is an inside-forearm tattoo. What I’m most worried about is a) my mom’s reaction because I know she’s not in favor of tattoos and b) job interviews! Have any of you had good/bad experiences with either of those things? How did you deal? BTW, I’m 24 and have a full-time job right now that would be OK with it. The other thing is… I’m a bit scared of the pain!
For job interviews….wear long sleeves and don’t fret about it. Ask about their tattoo policy in the interview, or research it beforehand if you can, and don’t stress too much. One of my friends has a gorgeous forearm tattoo and teaches the fourth grade, nobody cares.
My parents also didn’t like my tattoo, but hey! Nothing you can do about that!
Definitely didn’t tell my parents til after I got my tattoo. My brother has confirmed that they grumbled about it for a few weeks but they’ve gotten over it.
Re: the pain – it was definitely a bit more than I was expecting, and I was glad that I had a friend there. However, I also was getting a solid black design. For some reason I had not realized that this would mean more needles poking into my skin. My tattoo artist was great about it though. Anytime I asked she was happy to take a breather. I had a water bottle with me too, which helped a lot. The hardest part for me was not flinching away from it, and the biggest help was talking with my friend about literally anything else so I could be a bit distracted.
I just can’t decide if I should tell my mom about it beforehand to soften the blow, or whether “oh by the way this is my tattoo!” is the better way. I guess it would depend on when I’m going to see her next or something.
My current design is thankfully not a solid black shape, so hopefully it won’t hurt too much! I’m not normally great with pain, which is why I’m concerned.
I recently got my full sleeve, and also have a leg tattoo, a back tattoo and a little one on my front shoulder.
I’ve not had any job interviews since I got my sleeve, but just wear a long-sleeved shirt. Depending on where you live it may be illegal to choose not to hire based on your tattoos, too.
My mum HATES my tattoos and piercings, but I am a grown woman so she has to deal.
As for pain. It will hurt. They always hurt. How much it hurts depends on your pain tolerance and the location. Inner forearm is a sensitive area. BUT: It’s just pain. It passes. And you can breathe through it – deep breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth. Swear when you need – they’ve heard it all before and expressing pain makes it feel less awful.
Make sure to research your artists thoroughly, and don;t go for the cheapest, it rarely means best.
Gah! I wish I were you! I’m not great with pain at all. Like, I can deal with it to a certain point, but it’s really not going to be enjoyable for me like I think it is for some people.
I hardly know where to start with researching artists! I don’t want anything complicated, and I’m not sure the artist will actually have to do any drawing aside from laying the tattoo out on the transfer paper, but still. I guess I will draw up a list of shops near me and start internetin’!
What you need to do is to look at their portfolios and make sure their actual tattooing skill is good for what you want doing. Keep an eye out for irregular lines or clumsy shading. Check the shops – if you feel uncomfortable there AT ALL leave.
I have a friend with an inside-arm, and she assured me the pain was not nearly as bad as I was imagining it would be. (Mine, the first of I hope many, is behind my ear, and very small, and didn’t hurt hardly at all!)
I am fairly heavily tattooed but not my arms, mostly for the job reason. it is feasible to wear long sleeves for interviews and then at work, but do you want to forever? I’m currently thinking about getting a shoulder cap one, because my back and torso are full, but I won’t go any further down my arms than that. I love the way inside forearm tattoos look, and I know what I’d have if I were going to go there, but I’m not.
Do you have a design in mind? Would it go anywhere else, or is it more ‘this part of me needs a tattoo and I don’t know what yet’? I don’t think it’s that big a deal to wear long sleeves for interviews, but it does depend what industry you work in and what the likelihood is that you will be stuck with having to cover it up all the time.
Pain is such a subjective thing that it’s hard to reassure people – my tattoo artist says I have a freak-of-nature level pain threshold, I’ve fallen asleep twice being tattooed. I was petrified about my first one and it was a bit of an anticlimax, I’d been prepared to be all stoic and then the artist started and asked if I was alright and it was a bit ‘is that it? Oh!’ I find it perfectly bearable and ignoreable, no trouble sitting still for it, but I know people who have found it horribly painful and really been put off having any more.
Hmmmm… I guess I always thought that once I got hired, I’d be able to show it off at work? Like, I assumed I couldn’t get fired on my first day after rolling up my sleeves?
I do have a design in mind! I know you’ll appreciate this – it’s a kind of abstract line drawing of a horse! And it feels like it just has to be on my inner forearm. I want to be able to see it, and I love the way those kinds of tattoos look. I
I am certainly not one with a high tolerance for pain, but I am comforted by the fact that it will wear off. That’s the reasoning I use when I’m at the doctor/dentist, so I’m sure it would work here!
My workplace is ‘no visible tattoos’ – so those who have forearm tattoos do wear long sleeves daily. I’ve seen people with them rolled up, and nobody says anything, but it’s definitely in the dress code – and this is a place that lets me have bright blue hair, so it’s not all that strict as employers go. I wear tank tops with thick ‘sleeves’ that the very edges of mine poke out of, as mine goes a bit onto my arm from my shoulder, and my newest one will be visible from the back if I don’t have my hair down, but only peeking out above the collar as it goes up my neck a bit. It’s worth checking dress codes.
My first tattoo was inner forearm. It was a gateway tattoo. Something about that location… it’s not very painful and super easy to hide. I would equate the pain of the inner forearm with kitten scratches. (As compared to the spinal area, which made me wish for death.)
I live in a very tattooed part of a very tattooed state, so I have never had any issues with people not accepting it.
I do cover as much ink as possible for important meetings with old people, though. (Out of… respect? I guess.)
My parents are over it.
In conclusion, do it.
I agree with this pain assessment. Though it does hurt more as the tattoo gets closer to your wrist (depending on placement).
Ahh kitten scratches! I can handle that! And I hope that my parents would get over it. I mean, I know they will – it’s not like they’re going to disown me. I just don’t know whether to tell them in advance so that whenever I finally see them they won’t be mad at me, or whether to just treat it like not a big deal when I do see them.
Yes, cat scratches is how I feel it – jut being scratched by a cat for a long time! What makes it bearable IME is that each bit doesn’t last long – so my artist will dip it into the ink, take a bit up, do a couple of seconds, stop, dip again, etc. It would be harder if it were minutes at a time with no stopping.
My parents kind of loathe the fact that I have lots of piercings and tattoos and continue to get more but they have also learned to accept the fact that I’m going to do it regardless. Much harder for them than it was for me!! (Though the typical tattoo concerns I hear from them on occasion and other family members do start to grate)
As others have said, long sleeves are your friend! (picture them hugging you, hugging your arms, for comfort)
I think otherwise the most important thing here is that you research your artist and the shop and make sure you find a good, hygienic respectful place and also an artist who does good work!! I was lucky finding mine, I knew/worked with about four other people who’d gone to her for work so I didn’t really have to look at all, I just had to ask who she was (which is great, because I’m lazy). Have you looked into shops/artists at all??
At the moment, long sleeves are not my friend. I am a perennial sleeve-roller-upper! But I think I could control that urge for the length of a job interview.
I haven’t really researched anything yet, but I live in Boston so there are a ton of options. I don’t need the artist to do anything crazy or complex, so I think I’ll have a relatively easy time finding someone. I’m probably going to start with Yelp, as dumb as that sounds.
Hot yogurt tip for y’all: Take some Greek yogurt (the fattier the better!), throw a shitload of fresh fruit and granola up in there, stick it in your fridge overnight, don’t bother making breakfast the next day because now you have some delicious sweet yogurt mush (to eat at your work desk out of a tupperware, if you’re me). It’s like overnight oats but not shitty and terrible.
Anybody else have super quick, delicious meals that can be prepared the night before work?
Ah at first I thought this was going to involve heating up the yogurt!
haha nooooo and I apologize for putting that image into your head
Leftover pizza!
Sports sports sports SPORRRRRRRTS, oh god, The Sports.
The Nationals are FUCKING KILLING IT, 5 WALKOFFS IN 6 GAMES?!?! Insanity. 10 in a row. Of course, the game I caught was an 8-1 dominating win, but those are fun, too!
Premiere League! Texting scandal? Texting scandal!
College football! Volcano? Volcano!
Guys, what say you about your fucking awesome/awful teams?!
Anybody else watching the NWSL? I keep trying to root for Boston because I live in MA and local pride and whatever, but they’re so dismally bad this year and I mostly just want to watch Seattle tear it up instead.
I try to, the Spirit made the playoffs, which is awesome considering they won 3 games last year. I used to go to Freedom games, so maybe it’s time I start following my town’s team again!
Oh yeah the Spirit are great! I grew up outside of DC, so they are like my secondary hometown team. Plus, Ali Krieger and Crystal Dunn are amaaaaaazing.
Hell yes. I irrationally became a Seattle fan last year (even though they were terrible and I live across the country) so I am loving this season and I’ve mostly gotten over my guilt for not rooting for the closest thing to my home team. Also that would be Sky Blue, and I am a snobby New Yorker who can’t really make herself root for New Jersey anything, so.
The one downside to Seattle winning everything is that I definitely can’t go to the final game if it’s there. Last year I drove up to Rochester for the Flash/Thorns final and it was great.
Hah, I find Sky Blue so boring that I keep forgetting where they’re even located. Sorry Sky Blue.
Jealous you got to see the final! I watch a lot of the games that they stream on Youtube but haven’t made it to one in real life yet.
Damn, you caught the final, last year? Nice. Oh, to be anywhere within 100 yards of Abby Wambach.
I actually met her afterwards! It took me about two hours and 3 drinks to work up the nerve, and she was sort of wasted (losing the final at home calls for tequila shots, apparently) and would never remember anyway, but I have photographic evidence.
ahhhhhhhhhhhh
Whaaaaat eveennnnnnnnnnn
The Premier League’s response to all the various (and continuous!) racism/sexism/racism AND sexism scandals makes me want to throw myself into a volcano.
This made me giggle, and yes to all of it.
OH ALSO, in case people missed it! The new head of the NBA players union is extreme badass, Michele Roberts, and to learn about her is to admire the hell out of her. Here is The Toast post from the other day:
http://the-toast.net/2014/08/18/michele-roberts-m…
The Jays ain’t making it easy for themselves.
Also the last couple of weeks on hockey Twitter have been a no-good horrible very bad time for ladies and it’s making me really bummed out about how women are treated in “sports culture,” even–no, ESPECIALLY–by guys who seemed smart/thoughtful enough to know better.
Oh hockey Twitter – it’s always one step forward, two steps back.
But in slightly good news, have you heard about the petition that some Blackhawks fans started? They’re asking for some pretty basic changes to be made (have a couple of female moderators at the convention! give the entire ice crew the same outfit, including pants!) and have already succeeded in getting the team to stop playing “The Stripper” (UGH) when a woman plays Shoot the Puck (DOUBLE UGH).
I did, and I’m actually a Blackhawks fan so I was extra psyched (less psyched by the sort of condescending tone of ownership in response, but)!!
Right?? Like, yay they’re listening we did it! but on the other hand, really? These are not huge demands!
(Blackhawks fans unite! Oh man, how devastated were you after the Western Conference Final game 7 this year?)
On the way home from watching that at my friend’s house I just flipped out and attacked a stop sign/stop sign pole, and that made me feel a lot better. But I feel like in the years to come, knowing that they could have won the Cup in 2014 if they could just have won that one game will only eat away at me more.
At least we’re not Sharks fans, at this point I CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE.
♫We could have had it allllllll. Rolling in the deeeeep.♫
The Sharks! I feel kinda bad for Thornton but yeah. IT COULD BE WORSE. (Also, thank God we’re not Penguins fans the last two years have been ROUGH)
I’m not quite ready to feel bad for Pens fans, but it wouldn’t take much more for them to have my sympathy.
Ugh, hockey twitter. Is it the “stop pretending you know about sports, bitch” theme?
haha no I almost wish! A woman outed Harrison Mooney (of Puck Daddy/song parody etc fame) for sending her creepy DMs, and a whole bunch of other women came forward and said he’d done the same thing to them, and a bunch of other women said they’d been harrassed similarly by other unnamed hockey media figures, and a lot of dudes didn’t believe them or said things were “taken out of context” (err, the same way just messaging a girl about how hot her lips are is out of context in real life??) or were like “oh THAT’S not harrassment.” A hockey twitter dude went to bat for them but it turns out he was lied to by one of the women he was backing up (about something that didn’t concern Mooney) so some prominent hockey twitter dudes are now like “look people aren’t weighing in because it’s all so ~CONFUSING~, not because they are pro-harrassment.” Except there’s still no confusion about Mooney or about most of these women’s shitty experiences. (BTW as far as I know Mooney’s employers have yet to address the situation. He’s not on social media anymore tho.)
I also really liked him as a writer/humorist so it bums me out on that level too. He initially responded to the accusations by saying that people said racist things to him on twitter. Someone just replied with the Wikipedia link to “Intersectionality.”
I somehow managed to completely miss this but UGH. And I liked Mooney too.
It’s pretty sad that my reaction to this is so unsurprised. Like, OF COURSE that’s how hockey twitter is going to react.
I do think some people genuinely learned some things! Many others … did not.
Christ, I’m reading about it now. My mind went to the general, “shut up, ladies, when it comes to sports” because there was a jackass caller on a sportstalk show the other day, who was a massive, lady-hatin’ juicebox, but was shut down pretty quick by the host. Been on my mind though.
Oh man, I was at a talk about baseball last night, and there was an all-female panel talking about the treatment of women as baseball fans/media, and some guy on the Internet was OUTRAGED by this and all “they literally just find random female fans on Twitter and now they’re important” (2 of the women actually worked in sports media, the other is a big deal on Twitter–which has also been what qualified dudes for the panels at other installments of this speaker series) … and then he said way more hateful stuff.
I saw this recently and it encapsulates a lot of my feelings http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2014/8/1/…
This about the harrassment issue itself was also really good http://langluy.tumblr.com/post/95196862857/lets-s…
Jesus. Thanks for the links. I still remember this guy in college, who was friends with some of my buddies, and he would JUMP on me if he thought I was wrong about ANYTHING sports (for the MANY times he tried to pull this, I was wrong ONCE and it was about like, Vinny Testaverde’s QBR or some shit, so SCREW YOU GUY), because I was a GIRL, and how dare I think I’m a legit fan. He would angrily give his friends shit because they all loved talking sports with me, and he resented the fact that we’d sit around watching games, and they’d be asking ME questions and talking to ME about the game, and he would stew. He actually managed to make me feel threatened on more than one occasion. Ugh.
ETA: My buddies were lovely, and he was no reflection of them at all, obviously, and in the end this guy was more “roommate” than friend.
I just wanted to say that my first reaction about the volcano stuff, even as a person that gets pretty bad SAD, was “sweet, outdoor ice rinks FOREVER”
I’m a Rays fan so this season has been a bit of a letdown, mostly because my dad gets so sad about it. He’s obsessive BUT such a doomsday sports fan, all he’ll say is “they’ll never be a team of hitters, they can’t see the ball/last year was the last of the good Rays years/after this season attendance will drop off so much they’ll move the team to another state/you can kiss the Rays goodbye in the next year or two”
I just wanna make them win for him because he loves baseball sooooo much but man, he can’t handle losing. I am much more optimistic and hope they’ll surprise everyone and will get that last wild card spot (but I am also realistic and know that’s a big, big stretch).
In soccer news, REAL MADRID. I need everyone to stop using my precious Iker as a scapegoat HE’S STILL GOT IT OK. Their defense needs to get their shit together, real fast. Iker can’t do it all!
Aw, your dad. They’ve been such a nice story, at times, over the years (especially that World Series run) so it’d be sad to see them leave Tampa, as all the fans I’ve ever met from there have been almost always lovely. Yeah, it’ll take something of a miracle for them to snag that last sport, but hey, you never know.
And here, for your viewing pleasure:
Eeeee! I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages! What about the Os?? I am probably jinxing it but what about the possibility of an Os/Nats World Series?!?!?!?
WUT WUT
I am slowly growing with excitement about the Ravens but it’s only preseason. That being said, DC v Bmore football is happening tomorrow so BRING IT.
OH IT’S BEIN BROUGHTIN’.
Hey, friend! Hahaha DAMMIT RK, I had originally included a mention of OMG MAYBE NATS/O’s WORLD SERIES?! But then I didn’t want to jinx it! But whatever, OMG WHAT IF?!?!
I am hoping that by saying “possibility” I will have hedged against jinxing it so hopefully that’s how things work!
God, the Metro would be a fucking disaster. (worth it, though)
The Metro will swallow us whole if it happens. God help us.
P.S. Bryce Harper has been quoted as saying it would be EPIC so I think it’s okay to say out loud now. Unless he’s doomed us all.
I can’t even with the Nats. I love the winning streak, but I’d really prefer to win it in 8.5 innings instead of 11. My heart can only take so much, you know? But watching them run onto the field and dump buckets of Gatorade onto whoever wins it is pretty wonderful. Watching athletes (primarily baseball players and soccer players) always makes me smile/cry.
Oh, totally. My game experience the other night was so relaxed because we scored like, 6 in the 3rd and only gave up 1 all game. As fun as it is to run around screaming after a walk-off, yes, the stress is a bit much.
I have been loving these walk offs, personally. I keep remember how we were last season (and basically every season except 2012) and thinking, “oh no we’re behind. I guess it’s game over” and then being HAPPILY disappointed. they don’t give up any more! we have good closers! our new guys are awesome!
they are so fun to watch. I love these boys.
THAT’S what so great. If we’re down in the 9th, I do not lose confidence or faith. And neither do they.
I’ll bet cash money I’m the only CFL fan in here but FUCK YES THE ESKIMOS ARE FINALLY WINNING THIS SEASON
Haha, I know John Beck plays in the CFL! That’s pretty much all I got. His whole story here in D.C. was kind of hilarious, so I like to keep tabs on him. GO BC LIONS!
I’m a Pittsburgh fan when it comes to baseball/football/hockey so…lots of sighs this week.
This is weird, but the first thing I thought of when you said you were a Pittsburg fan was that, I saw Crosby (booooo Crysby :P) do the ice bucket challenge and he used a recycling bin, and I immediately was confused because, don’t you have holes in the bottom of your recycling bins in canada?! And it’s just bothering me, is all.
YOU HAVE HOLES IN THE BOTTOM OF YOUR RECYCLING BINS?!?!
(anyway, in Ontario we do not. I remember Crosby-relevant Nova Scotia recycling bins as regular/non-punctured but I did live in an apartment complex.)
But…but…what about when there is like, still tiny bits of leftover liquid in things, and they get out?!?! WHAT THEN!??! (We have four small holes on the corners, and like, maybe one in the middle, like quarter sized, so the remaining liquid can get out (or rain! gaaaahh!) COME ON CANADA STEP UP YOUR RECYCLING GAME.
Wait, okay, I checked, we have 4 holes the size of dimes in our bins. Now you know.
This is definitely the Thing I Learned of the weekend! We just have to wipe our recycling bins every now and then (like you do even if you’ve got holes).
Wanted to post this real quick:
http://deadspin.com/dashcam-footage-shows-nfler-a…
I am suffering from major impostor syndrome.
This week I have been in orientation for my TA-ship and I start grad school on Monday. So I am equally “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TEACH” and “I’M NOT SMART ENOUGH FOR GRAD SCHOOL EVERYONE ELSE HERE IS SO SMART.”
But on the plus side, I went to a potluck last night with the lit cohort and I have got to say I have never enjoyed being around strangers until last night. So at least I know I picked the right focus.
You know how to teach! If you care about your students and the subject it is going to work out! No one expects new TAs to do it perfect, and as long as you are willing to talk to other people about teaching and ask your supervisor / coordinator / instructor of record when you have questions they will see that you care and you will be great! When I was new I literally just said to my students “I’m new! I really care and I really want you to learn, so let me know if its not working.”
Fistbump! I’m starting grad school next week, too, and the impostor syndrome feelings are unreal. We’ll be okay, though!
I work downtown and I see multiple business people commuting via Razr scooter every day. Impostor syndrome is a fake idea
Impostor syndrome never really goes away but know that you are not alone (it’s easy to feel like YOU are the one person for whom impostor syndrome is totally justified, but you’re not and it isn’t).
Good luck! Excelsior!
I want to share some goddamn ~feelings~ about Friendship, Mourning and Chronic Illness.
I’ve been best friends with my best friend for 10+ years now. We’re super, super close and have gotten through living in different cities etc. For the last five years, she’s had a chronic, frequently disabling illness that isn’t curable. Both the self-care she needs to engage in to help prevent flares and the flares and symptoms themselves mean that we can’t do a lot of the stuff we did together during the first half of our friendship—also, we’re, you know, not 22 anymore—and I’d be lying if I said that didn’t still frequently bum me out, because I want to have fun with my best friend but I don’t want her to end up feeling shitty for days! I’ve had to get used to a bunch of my communication with her essentially arriving at the bottom of a well because she doesn’t always have the time or energy to respond, which I know isn’t personal but sometimes makes me feel like a stupid puppy trying to run through a sliding door. She’s also much more introverted than I am, so overall I’ve had to figure out how to deal with our different bandwidths for contact/emotional support/whatever depending on our respective health (I’m a depressive with a non-disabling incurable chronic illness) etc. I think I’ve gotten pretty decent at this and it is something we communicate about sometimes.
However, she’s in a serious relationship for the first time since she got sick, I’m not used to sharing that limited bandwidth with someone else, and it really fucking sucks. (Luckily the dude is super super rad and I also enjoy his company.) Not only am I obviously and justifiably less exciting right now, as would be the case for anyone’s new relationship, the amount of excitement to go around means the doubling of unacknowledged attempts to make contact and halving of opportunities to hang out is having a pretty severe impact. We usually go on vacation together but she’s using her vacation to travel with her boyfriend, which makes sense but obviously saddens me. (I do appreciate that she gave me a lot of notice though.) I’m having to put a lot of work into the rest of my social life, which is a kind of wrangling I really hate, and I’m really lucky that people are responding well but also afraid that it’s somehow too late life-stage-wise for me to find or develop an equivalent connection.
I just feel like I keep losing more and more things I value about our friendship that are probably-not-to-never coming back, and it’s no one’s fault but it makes me feel really sad and abandoned, and it’s hard to talk about because we don’t have the cultural narratives/understandings of friendships that we do for romantic relationships. But it’s the most important relationship in my life.
Oof, I’m sorry this is happening. I can relate a bit as I’m going through a similar but not-as-intense thing with one of my closest friends. It is definitely so much harder because society tells us that friendships aren’t as important as romantic relationships– hell, by social scripts this is SUPPOSED to happen because friends are just people we hang around with till we get married, right? But that isn’t actually the case for most of us– I am hoping that these scripts will unravel more and more as people start to choose to stay single or live with friends into adulthood rather than getting married at all costs.
My therapist has advised me to just. . .tell my friend how I’m feeling. I’ve been hesitant to do that because, knowing her as well as I do, I know she tends to feel very guilty and responsible for how other people feel. But that’s no reason I can’t tell her “I miss you. I don’t want you to feel guilty about that and you don’t have to do anything about it, but this is how I feel.” It’s strange how you can be so used to telling someone your feelings, but it’s much harder to do when the feelings involve them.
It is also never too late life-stage-wise to make a new connection! Any more than it’s impossible for someone who has gotten divorced to get remarried. It certainly can be harder as an adult and can be very lonely and frustrating in the meantime, but I can tell you’re awesome and I’m sure you’ll find it!
This is a good point:
“that isn’t actually the case for most of us– I am hoping that these scripts will unravel more and more as people start to choose to stay single or live with friends into adulthood rather than getting married at all costs.”
Ahh, Using Your Words: why is it so hard even for people who like to talk? I’m sorry that you’re currently able to relate, but happy for the commiseration and vote of confidence.
OH man. This convo is so much more than a commenting thread, but I’ve been in a similar spot, sort of. I had a best friend of 10+ years where we were the most important people in each other’s lives, and we ran into that problem where one of you meets someone and suddenly there isn’t…room, in the same way. People really do run up against limits in how much attention and energy they’re able to give to other people. it sounds like her limits have changed and she’s also trying to make room for someone else in her life.
The thing is…that’s kind of important. My bff is a former bff because he kind of refused to address this (despite my frequent attempts) until…well, I still don’t know exactly what happened, but he met a woman he would later marry, and this was apparently incompatible with keeping me in his life.
Your situation is your own, but I know in my case, we were too close. Not that it was necessarily unhealthy (although our relationship in particular might have been, for Reasons), but that it didn’t leave room for either of us to meet a spouse. Like, our friendship wasn’t sustainable if either of us was going to have the life we imagined for ourselves. If this is something she wants, and you want her to be happy, it’s quite possible that your relationship will have to change.
I feel like I’m mostly telling you stuff you already know, to some extent? Which: sorry about that. I think it’s just one of those things that is hard, no matter what you do, but I get you. It’s heartbreak of a kind that doesn’t get a lot of press. All I can really say is that it’s good that you’re proactively trying to manage it. And that I don’t think it has to all be about loss—in my case it was, but I think it can just be a change. There are different ways of being close with people, different styles. And I think the most important relationships have to change with time, because people do.
Man, I wish there was something I could say to make this easier. I got hugs if you want ’em.
Yeah, you kind of nailed it so hard I teared up a bit at my desk. Certainly articulated a number of things I was on the verge of being able to explain to myself but were still vague word clouds of sadness and apprehension. I will totally take those hugs.
“our friendship wasn’t sustainable if either of us was going to have the life we imagined for ourselves” is right on in general, I think. I probably could sustain a romantic relationship and our friendship, but I think I need to be married to my art and my career right now in a way that would require some disengagement (more a matter of time than energy). I also think one reason I’m never in a relationship is that I’m using a lot of my social/emotional bandwidth on our friendship in a way that makes me maybe less open or available to new dudes.
I’m sorry you had a similar experience but your insight (and opportunity to reframe) is really helpful.
Man, I am so glad it was helpful. It took me a long time to work out some of that stuff, and sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier if I’d accepted some of it earlier (I tend to be more pitbull like, and less accepting of things I cannot change in general).
I think my situation might have been made significantly more fraught by the whole straight dude / gay lady thing (and my shrink has definite opinions on this), so I don’t want to make it sounds like this necessarily ends badly. It sounds like you are in a good place to deal with this in a healthy way, even though it’s really fucking hard. It need not be a relationship Hindenburg, is what I’m saying, which is good. Focusing on your own stuff might be really helpful, because then it’s more just that you’re simultaneously growing in different ways, and you can talk to each other about it.
I’m rambling a little, but I just wanted to make sure you knew that your situation doesn’t look dire from the outside, because I know in the middle the sense of loss can be overwhelming so…I figured that might be important to hear. It looks like it’ll be hard, but not necessarily bad, if that makes any sense? Like there’s something different but good on the other side of it.
All the hugs you need.
I appreciate it! I think a big part of my problem is that I don’t know what the different-but-good thing looks like, both because that’s always difficult and because a whole bunch of other stuff in my life is also changing right now. Definitely hopeful that we can avoid the flaming zeppelin, but also definitely sent a whole pile of (annoying) drunk texts that were ignored the other night. Real #itsaprocess times.
Fuck, that is so hard. I’m really, really sorry. I know what it feels like to have the person you thought would always be your rock, friendship-wise, become less available in a long-term way.
In my experience, I think it’s true that it’s hard or unlikely to find or develop an “equivalent” connection, as you say. BUT!!! You can cultivate a whole range of other, equally important connections. They won’t be like the one you have with your friend, and it is completely ok to mourn about that. But they will be awesome (and deep and meaningful) in different ways, I promise.
And people also go through different life stages, too – your friend might end up being more entwined with your life again after some years of being more distant. That’s happened to me too, and I’m grateful for it.
As for your communications attempts – maybe ask her if you’re overwhelming with her with them right now, since you know she has a lot on her plate? That will give her a chance to let you know whether she welcomes them but just doesn’t have the resources to respond, or whether it would be better for them to be a little less frequent.
But most of all, I’m sorry. This sucks. You are 100% allowed to be sad and even angry at the situation, even while recognizing that it’s no one’s “fault.”
Ugh, I’m sorry you can empathize. Part of the reason I’m freaking out is that a bunch of other life things are changing too, and I’m an only child who’s not that close to their surviving parent and never has romantic relationships, so I’m feeling pretty ~adrift~ even though most of the changes happening are positive.
The communication thing is a really great idea, I should definitely ask her how she’d prefer us to be doing that. I’d imagine neither of us really likes it the way it is. Thanks again for your response and affirmation/sympathy.
Oh, the only child thing! I too am an only child (of divorced parents, in my case), and I too have A Thing about holding on to loved ones with both hands as tight as I possibly can, and grieving when some of those connections inevitably change, sometimes weakening, over time. Hang in there – it really will be ok. If you and your BFF can talk honestly about all this, she will likely remain an important person in your life, even if the nature and frequency of contact changes. That has been my experience, anyway. And it sounds like you’re doing a wonderful job reaching out to other people and forming new meaningful relationships too. Hugs to you!!!
I hear ya. My relationship with my BFF is undergoing a bit of a similar shift for a few reasons (we live thousands of miles apart, are both married and at best see each other once a year). It’s difficult not to mourn and fear the bond between us is disappearing.
You may not be able to spend as much time together or communicate as frequently as you would like. It’s ok to be sad about that. But hopefully you’ll be able to pick up where you left off when you do talk to her or hang out because you have that shared history. And you might never find someone else you connect with on that level of friendship–it’s a rare and precious thing. But then again you might, and you could make other different connections and friendships that are still meaningful.
Many hugs, and I hope the transition period isn’t too rough.
Thanks for the hugs, and back at you. Thousands of miles is tough. I’m in a big life transition period generally so I think it’s making everything a bit more overwhelming! But you’re right that the shared history is a real and fixed thing regardless of what else is going on, and that’s reassuring to be reminded of.
Toasties- changing the subject but something terrible has happened. My husband just ate MY thai leftovers (veg) instead of HIS (chicken).
I am not sure I can forgive him.
OBVIOUSLY chicken doesn’t come in PERFECT CUBES like tofu does!!!!!
How does one get over something like this?
Oh that would make me crazy! My fiance frequently does that with pizza – he eats ALL the cheese pizza and none of the pepperoni one even though it was him that asked for pepperoni in the first place! IRRITATED SIGH.
I think he probably owes you penance for making you go hungry. Perhaps he could perform a skit about how he will never do it again?
Obviously, you’ll have to divorce him.
The only answer is to slowly destroy his sense of self with perfectly placed barbs.
I think he needs to perform atonement in the form of take-out.
Yeah but I wanted THOSE leftovers.
I had to make a whole new lunch for myself.
This is probably the end of the marriage
Seriously. No question. He needs to get a full replacement take-away box for you stat. With a bottle of wine. And maybe flowers, if you’re into that sort of thing.
Oooo ooo question for the theatrically minded hive…mind. So, I recently got an email advertising a call for people to apply to direct the spring production of the local English-language community theater group (I live in Switzerland). And suddenly that idea seemed like so much fun?? Your application includes a proposal of what play you’d like to direct; they say to keep in mind when choosing that it’s mostly women who audition (and from my previous experience, lots of middle-aged-and-older women). I immediately thought of STEEL MAGNOLIAS!!!! Cause I directed scenes from it for a project in ninth grade drama class. What are some other plays with woman-biased casts that would be fun for an amateur community group to put on?
Jane Martin’s Talking With… with an amateur cast could be incredibly successful or a total train wreck.
Pros: Very little staging, no reliance on others to give your cues, 100% all women characters, perfect for the age demographic you describe
Cons: Monologues can be difficult for new actors, 100% all women characters
My high school drama teacher very bravely produced this play when she had a large class of highly competent female students my senior year.
Good luck with your application!
LOVE me some Steel Magnolias! I directed it senior year of college and loved every second. What about some version/adaptation of The Trojan Women? Easily done with all ladies. Some versions have men in it, but they could be played by women. Commentary yo. Or an all-ladies Julius Caesar.
“Stage Door” isn’t my fave script in the world, but it’s fun and LOTS of female roles. “A Bad Year for Tomatoes” is also lady-heavy, and I liked it more. “Almost, Maine” is cute and you can cast a different woman in each of the vignettes, but double cast the men if needed.
How many angry women do you think you could wrangle? 12 Angry Women, by any chance?
Pro: Very simple set; everyone gets a clear character and something to do.
Con: Everybody is onstage all the time, so keeping the blocking fluid and comprehensible is a challenge.
Thanks guys! These are great suggestions! Will update you if this project progresses…
I have a piece of gossip that I need to talk about with internet strangers. Names and details have been altered.
In my neighborhood, there is this family: Jill, her husband Bob, and their four kids.
For the past several months I had noticed that Bob was around less and less. I had heard Jill whispering with other people, but she wasn’t confiding in me, and we don’t know each other well, so I just assumed this was none of my business. I also assumed that they were probably divorcing.
Well, earlier this week, I saw Jill—and she must have been in the mood to talk because she told me what was actually going on.
The four kids are actually Jill’s from a previous marriage. Bob is their stepdad.
Earlier this spring, the youngest daughter, who is in elementary school, told (a teacher? A counselor? Someone.) that Bob molested her. Bob is not allowed to be within 100 yards of the kids until/unless this case is resolved. He has been couch surfing with friends for months now.
As Jill is telling me this, my jaw is DROPPING.
But here are some mitigating factors:
-The daughter is not over her parents’ divorce. She sleeps with their wedding picture next to her bed.
-She had just had her first school class about inappropriate touching.
-She told her father on a visit that she wanted to break Jill and Bob up so her parents would get back together and everything would go back to “normal.”
-She is diagnosed borderline personality and has aggression issues. (And I can tell you that she is an unsettling child to be around, even in just a casual, condo-courtyard setting.)
-She told her counselor straight out that she accused Bob so that her mom would stop loving him and go back to her dad so they could be a family again(!).
Now, obviously, I am torn about this since Bob has always been nice to me and the little girl is manipulative… but on the other hand there is a tiny sliver of possibility that Bob was being inappropriate with his stepdaughter.
On the other-other hand, I can totally see this being an Atonement-style essay that the daughter reads on This American Life 15 years from now, when she realizes that she destroyed a man’s life to fulfill a fantasy she had about her parents’ marriage.
Frankly, the whole thing has left me shaken. Anyone can be accused by an angry kid and have their life in shambles. I feel so lucky that my husband and I never yelled at her for being too loud in the communal space when our windows were open, you know? It could have been us she accused.
I have no idea what to say to Jill or how to act around the kids now.
That sounds like possibly one of the most confusing shitstorm of family drama I have ever heard. I hope everyone involved gets the help/resolution they need.
I suppose this daughter is too young to read The Crucible…
Oh my god. What a nightmare. Please keep us posted about developments. Geez, my heart goes out to this family.
Damn that’s heavy. Personally I would continue to act normal, I guess? There’s a lot of stuff at play here, and thankfully you are able to stay out of it as much as possible. Mayyyyybe just try not to hang out with this family until everything is resolved, though? Who knows???
Oh, man. Oh man. What a nightmare.
As you say, this is something I can mostly steer clear of and be glad I’m not involved AT ALL.
But here I forgot to mention an important part of the conversation that opened my eyes to just what a shitstorm this is for Jill. She is so angry at her daughter… she is afraid that she will never be able to have a normal relationship with her. Not that she wants to harm her, just that her “protective momma-bear” instincts are at war with her “loyal wife” instincts, and it is hard not to discipline this daughter more harshly than the other kids. She said that she is seeing a therapist now too because just looking at the little girl makes her SO ANGRY.
Yeah, I think she just really needed to talk it out.
ho-ly shit.
Be neighborly and kind to Jill, as much as you can. Act the same way towards the kids as you always have.
But if it comes up: believe the kid. Believe. The. Kid. The cardinal rule of always believe the victim applies even to children you don’t like.
Yes yes yes. Thank you for this. Atonement is a man’s fantasy; this is a real young person who’s obviously in a huge amount of pain and needs a huge amount of help.
And just coming back to add: the narrative you heard is Jill’s. It’s told in a way to imply: this is a troubled kid, she doesn’t like Bob, she heard about molestation in a class, then she accused him, then she admitted she made it up. But the same events fit the following narrative: this is a troubled kid, she’s scared of Bob for good reasons, she heard about molestation in a class and finally had some language to describe (with some degree of accuracy) at least part of what was happening to her, she spoke up and got a bad reaction, she told the therapist that she made it up (maybe to try to take it back and undo the chaos & anger, maybe partly repeating what she’s heard Jill say). You can’t know which version is closer to the truth, so it’s better not to try, and just take AddieJoy’s great advice.
You have almost perfectly recreated my inner monologue of the past several days. I want to believe Jill’s version of the story because Bob has been nice to me and I don’t like children in general or this child in particular.
But the thing I want to believe might not be true.
Cognitive dissonance. I wish she hadn’t told me at all.
I would second what AddieJoy said: be very kind to Jill, and offer her support in whatever way you can that does NOT involve taking sides, other than to believe the kid, if it comes up. This is a terrible terrible situation for her to be in, and you cannot help her out of it meaningfully, but you can maybe ease her life in some small ways while she does her own work to get her out of it.
Wait. How old is this girl that she was already diagnosed with BPD? Isn’t that kind of…fraught?
And yeah, the kid with pre-existing issues would make the perfect victim. And yet the confession to the counselor…Christ.
Yes. When Jill mentioned BPD I kind of wanted to stop her and ask a lot more questions.
I remembered reading this: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/13/magazine/can-yo…
I am really sorry for all of these people, and for you that you are feeling so much about it.
I would be kind to Jill and ask her if there is anything you can do, and if she says yes, do it if you can. I would be kind to the kids and as normal as possible, and if they bring up what’s going on, listen without shutting them down. Do not have an opinion, just listen.
I admit that I have a Big Reaction to the list of reasons the girl might be making it up. Because yes, of course, she might. But the thing is, they don’t usually go into restraining order land or whatever it is that keeps Bob away from the kids without something more than ‘an angry kid’ speaking out. So please remember you do not have the full side of the story, and Jill might just be a mom who is flipped out that her enabling of her pedophile husband has gotten displayed. You don’t know, and you can’t know, and morever, it is NOT YOUR JOB to know. Be kind and generous to the family as much as you can within your own boundaries and leave the rest alone.
We told about 50,000 times as a kid, to no avail. So, feelings.
Exactly, exactly, exactly.
The things about the little girl that I find off-putting could so easily be her acting out as a result of the abuse. There is literally no way for or anyone else except Bob to know.
I wish she hadn’t told me.
I am moving my furniture and big stuff and books tomorrow and I am beginning to actively panic — I have boxed up most stuff, but not all stuff, and I’m going to have to haul stuff up three flights of stairs, and augh.
I also cleverly planned to move on a day when I am trying to go to a concert in the evening, because mistakes were made; I think I can make it, so long as I am 100% prepared and ready to go tomorrow morning (hahaha I think I’m not going to sleep tonight!).
D: anyway, wish me a speedy move, friends. Or at least, a less horrible move.
UUUUUUUUGGGGGH. Wishing you all the best and hoping for as little horribleness as possible.
LAPROSCOPY SCAR HIGH FIVE! I am watching my glue-blobs (what they gave me instead of stitches) like a hawk; once they fall off on their own, I can take a baaaaaaaath. I am eying that bathtub like a lover.
I am not remotely envious of you having to move so soon after the procedure, but I am way envious that you’re allowed to lift and carry things. I’m still on restricted-weight regimen. (I did have more than one procedure and on IV for ~a week, so that might account for the difference.) Here’s to a speedy and smooth moving process!
[edit: ahahahaha, I confused two different comments. I though moving a piano so soon after surgery sounded like a poor choice. PHEW.]
A late night good luck, and a reassurance that your clever plan is not the worst clever plan: I planned (to the point of packing/throwing out all my bedding) to spend my last three nights in town with the boyfriend, which, while an emotionally sound plan, did mean I spent two hours each day bussing myself to and fro while also trying to finalize boxes and suitcases and also see everyone else and do all the things. So. As far as I can tell, you’re doing great!
Hello Toasties! I had my laparoscopy last week, and now have four itsy scars and a pretty gnarly bruise underneath one of them. And also I have endometriosis, which I sort of knew already, but now it’s all official. I go back to the doctor next week to start a treatment plan for the endo, yay. Anyone here have tips on things that have helped them?
LAPAROSCOPY SCAR HIGH FIVE. Mine was 2 weeks ago and I was surprised at how nasty the bruises were, but now I’m looking at three little pink slits (that sounded dirty) and one bigger navel scar; at my follow-up, they told me the scars will likely diminish even more over the next month. I cannot wait for my glue-blob not-stitches to fall off; as soon as they do, I can take a baaaaaaath. SHOWERS DROOL BATHTUBS RULE.
[ahahaha, see above: I managed to get two different comments muddled; I thought you’d just had your laparoscopy AND were moving this week, including getting a piano upstairs.]
I don’t mean to be a kill-joy, but the only thing that helped my endo was a hysterectomy. Hysterectomies can also cause problems, of course, of course. I couldn’t take NSAIDs because they caused stomach problems. I couldn’t take opiates, because I’m allergic. Both NSAIDs and opiates help others, as I’ve read on comments boards. I was diagnosed with endo when I was 30, in 1993, and two co-workers, in their 50s, said to get a hysterectomy, that it was the only solution. But by 1993, gynos were turning away from that. So I suffered without relief until 2008, when I found the oldest gynecologist I could, and demanded a hysterectomy. He said, sure, no problem. When I woke up in my hospital bed after the operation, I could already feel the difference. No pain. I had to wait to dance with joy, of course, but dancing was a lot more common after that day. I’m sorry for this comment, but it was true for me.
Had a laparoscopy 3 and a 1/2ish years ago. The scars are almost nonexistent. I also was diagnosed w/ endo and put on the pill as management and it’s been sooooo much better. Take things slow and let your body rest, because it’s still healing for a few months.
ALSO, I finished Young Men and Fire on the train this morning, and it was both beautiful and devastating.
Thanks for the rec, Toast/anyone who hasn’t read it really, really should.
I read that title as “Young Men on Fire and a Train,” and I thought you had found the most perfect book in existence.
You guys! I’ve been to the Oregon and Washington coasts and I am in love! I’ve lived in high deserts or arid climates for most of my life and I found both places magical. I’m am going to invade your beautiful states and live on the beach in a nice shack. Just FYI
I’m from Seattle, and I firmly believe the Washington coast is the most beautiful place in the world.
That being said, I have always secretly wanted to live in the desert! My aunt moved to Nevada recently, and the pictures she’s taken are beautiful.
Let’s switch! I’m in Nevada now but I’m planning on moving to Seattle sometime next spring.
Where did you go on the Oregon coast? My husband and I were talking the other day about where we would live if money, job opportunities, proximity to family, etc. were all non-issues, and all of our candidates were up there — in the end we agreed on Astoria as the perfect city, but I think Newport is a close runner-up.
Newport is very high on our list too!
Part of the reason I ultimately agreed that Astoria was better was that, hey, from there we can take a vacation to Newport, and that way we have an excuse to stay in the Sylvia Beach Hotel as referenced below. (Also, Kindergarten Cop, which was filmed in Astoria, happened to be on TV at the time and probably influenced my feelings.)
Having looked at that hotel, we are now decided our first private vacation (without kids or partner or anyone) is going to be there. Just wow.
As someone from Oregon who is no longer living in Oregon, I’m glad that my coast (the best coast) brought you joy. Also, if you were/are ever again in Newport and need a place to stay: run, do not walk, to the Sylvia Beach Hotel.
OH LET ME SECOND THIS RECOMMENDATION
I STAYED ONE NIGHT IN THE TOLKIEN ROOM AND IT WAS A HIGHLIGHT OF MY LIFE
I WROTE LIKE 6000 WORDS IN TWO EVENINGS CURLED UP IN A CORNER IN THE ATTIC
ALSO THERE WAS A CAT
EVERYONE STAY AT THE SYLVIA BEACH HOTEL ALL THE TIME, EXCEPT NOT IN THE TOLKIEN ROOM, PLEASE LEAVE IT AVAILABLE FOR ME
We had the F. Scott Fitzgerald room, and it was precisely as Jazz Age and decadent as one might have hoped for, even if the decorative gin bottles on the bathroom sink were filled with water and not with gin.
That attic library is the library of my dreams AND DID YOU EXPERIENCE THE MULLED WINE HOUR IN THE EVENING? There was a sea storm one of the nights we were there; I sipped strong spiced wine and felt like a powerful sorceress, and want to feel that feeling all the days of my life.
To those who are curious, my friend and I spent a weekend at Pacific City, built a fire on the beach and went hiking at a nearby trail.
hi Toasties, does anyone have any good recommendations for memoirs/biographies written by/about women? I’ve been having a phase this summer, after finishing Doris Lessing’s autobiography and a recent biography of the fabulous Colette. I’m starting another now on Clarice Lispector, and have ordered one on Germaine de Stael. yes, my phases can be very intense, but I’ve spent so much time reading male literature that its amazingly refreshing and satisfying to feel At Home within the writing, if you know what I mean. tending to the literary and/or unorthodox pagan women, if possible…
Ooh, another chance to rec books and see others’ recs! The Toast is kind (today and every day).
The Woman Warrior by Maxine Hong Kingston!
Autobiography of My Mother by Jamaica Kincaid!
Colette has some memoir / thinly veiled memoir of her own too, can’t remember what it’s called, too lazy to search!
Nancy Milford’s bio of Edna St. Vincent Millay is supposed to be very good! Called Savage Beauty, I think.
Paula by Isabelle Allende!
Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal? by Jeanette Winterson!
Not exactly what you’re after (episodic rather than continuous), but still women writing about their lives:
One Hundred Demons by Lynda Barry!
The Pillow Book by Sei Shonagon!
I know other people will have more and can’t wait to see what they are.
thank you for your kindly and helpful response. I think the Pillow Book will be the next one on my list, yay! all varieties are welcome.
several of Colette’s later novels are thinly-veiled memoir. The Pure and The Impure is my favorite book of hers, about the sexual radicals of her time (lots of lesbians!). I recommend it to all. Break of Day and My Mother’s House/ Sido are others.
if anyone can get their hands on a copy, I absolutely loved Lou Andreas-Salome’s sadly out-of-print memoir Looking Back. she had close relationships with Nietzsche, Rilke and Freud, and was brilliant in her own right.
I love the Pillow Book very much, I have read the Ivan Morris translation over and over. There is another more modern one, I think by a woman; I have every reason to believe that it is good. You should perhaps skip the Arthur Waley as given the time he was translating, he tended to leave out all of the sex. (Cassandra stealing Bryn’s keyboard again.)
Not sure if this is exactly what you’re looking for, but A Midwife’s Tale by Laurel Thatcher Ulrich is amazing. It’s about late 18th century rural Maine midwife Martha Ballard, but it’s at least as much about the town and society and culture in which she lived and practiced, rather than simply being a straight-up biography.
If you’ve read any of the Toast’s pieces about Lee Miller and enjoyed them, I highly recommend Carolyn Burke’s biography of her. She was an incredible woman. If you’re in to incredibly detailed literary bios, Hermione Lee’s on Virginia Woolf is a tome and a half. There’s a joint bio of Virginia Woolf and her sister Vanessa Bell that’s shorter and less academic but still pretty good.
I haven’t actually read this, but I saw Claire Tomalin give a talk about Jane Austen some time ago and I’ve been meaning to read her Austen biography ever since.
Louise Brooks’ memoir, Lulu in Hollywood
Leonora Carrington, Down Below
Virginia Woolf’s diaries
Freya Stark, Baghdad Sketches, The Valley of the Assassins and Other Persian Travels, The Southern Gates of Arabia.
Bettina von Armin, Goethe’s Correspondence with a Child
This is maybe slightly different, but Phyllis Rose’s book Parallel Lives about 4 different famous literary marriages
oh wow, thank you for these. never heard of freya stark before, how exciting!
I’m late to this party, but I really enjoyed writer Marge Piercy’s memoir, Sleeping with Cats, and Dervla Murphy’s Full Tilt, about biking through Asia in the 1960’s.
Bay Area Toasties, what are your suggestions for places to explore in San Francisco? I live here, but it’s only been a few months since I moved in and my sister is coming for a visit so I’m looking for awesome things to take her to!
Our out of town guests have all really enjoyed visiting the Sutro Baths / Lands End area. It’s so lovely around there, it’s good no matter what your activity level is, and you can stop at that little restaurant, Louis’s, and have a bowl of clam chowder and, if you ask them, they’ll let you look through a book of old pictures of the baths during your meal. It’s neat! If you all are into museums, the de Young and Asian Art Museum are both great (sadly the MoMA is still closed!). Or go see a Giants of an As game!! You can get $15 bleacher seats to tonight’s A’s game against the Angels!
Sutro Baths is a really good idea! I’ve hiked parts of Land’s End, but haven’t been there yet.
And near Sutro and Lands End – the Richmond can be a great neighborhood to poke around in. Green Apple Books, some really great food; if it’s nice head over to Baker Beach for a few hours. I’m actually a big fan of just picking a neighborhood I don’t spend much time in and heading over for an afternoon to see what’s what.
Let’s see, what else…the Ferry Building Farmers Market on Saturdays is always hella packed but it’s still great and worth seeing if you’re at all into tasty treats. Treasure Island Flea Market is only a so-so flea market but they always have great food trucks and now there’s even a cocktail tent, plus usually it’s sunny there and you get a great view of the city. Friends of mine just spent an afternoon in Alameda with an out-of-town guest – they took bikes over on the ferry, tooled around the island. There’s a pinball museum (friend said it’s great) and the St. George distillery does tours and tastings (you have to sign up in advance for them).
I actually live in the Richmond, so I’m always looking for tips for that area. I LOVE Green Apple Books.
Other neighborhood favorites: Gaspare’s pizza and Trad’r Sam’s tiki/dive bar.
Marshall beach in the Presidio (risk of nudists), eat tacos and Humphrey Slocombe ice cream while looking at murals on 24th street, biking in golden gate park (toy yaghts! bison! japanese tea garden! academy of sciences! ), Baker beach, Marin headlands, mission walking tour (tartine, dolores park, weed everywhere!), castro bars/dancing, twin peaks, clement street dim sum……
Oh my gosh,thank you so much! I live right near Golden Gate Park so I’m trying to branch out…this is so helpful!
good! More: Fort funston, Ice cream bar in Cole Valley, Sutro Tower hike, roller disco at the church on Fell and fillmore (steiner maybe?) roller disco in GG park on sundays, events at fort mason, Picnic in the presidio on sundays (beer and food trucks!). I’m on twitter at @christonacrakr if you need real-time advice 🙂
There’s also roller disco at Holy Rollers, in an old church on Fillmore and…Fell, I think? I haven’t been yet but it looks awesome (same people who skate in the park).
I’m ashamed that I live less than two blocks away and have never been. In my defense, I thought it was still a church for a very long time, and that they just had a really cool youth group.
I went to my local body art festival. I didn’t get (yet another) tattoo but I did get a hole through my face.
By the way, anyone near Brighton (uk) and the surrounding area should check out Ruby Wolfe at Occult Tattoos, her work is GORGEOUS.
I want toasties to know that I made an amazing cornbread this week. My wife will back me up on this. It was awesome.
In other news, one of our cats has a granuloma thing? Which is apparently caused by who knows what, but we took her to the vet yesterday and he just pulled some of her scabbed over, bloody hair right out of her head and it was *disgusting*, and now I get to manually rub (like with a finger) a topical antibiotic all over the scabby area/sores/whatever, and let me tell you, it is not my favorite thing I’ve ever had to do.
Also, my wife and I are just starting to dip our toes into the very deep, scary and confusing waters of looking at buying a house some time in the relatively near future, and let me tell you, this shit is not easy to understand. My employer provides access to financial planners for things like this, and that’s very helpful, but, still. Scary. Does anybody have home-buying miracles/horror stories to share?
My husband and I bought a house a few weeks ago! You know what? It was actually very easy. We knew our budget, and we knew what the bank approved us for (hint: not the same!) and we knew what kind of a cushion we’d want for emergencies. We looked at lots of houses online and talked about what we thought was important, and all kinds of stuff like that. Then we went to a few open houses to get our feet wet and see different types of places. Then we saw this one house, made an appointment to go see it, and fell in LOVE. That was on a Thursday. We looked at more houses on Saturday, looked at it again on Sunday, and said “nope, this is it.” We put together an offer and got the house for about $10k below asking price, and we close at the end of next month. It was not nearly as scary as I thought it would be! But we have a very good real estate agent who is very No Bullshit, and that helped.
That’s awesome! Congratulations! How does one go about finding a very good real estate agent? Because I have heard many not-so-good stories…
Ours was a total fluke–she was showing the house we loved. We’d met with a few other agents, and all of them were very ehhh or smarmy or only spoke to my husband or smelled weird (yep) and just general, eh. But when we met this woman it was like “Ah, we can work with you!” and that was that.
Do you know anybody else who’s bought a house recently that you can ask for recs?
None in this area, unfortunately. And most of our friends have not quite reached the home buying stage (or are, in fact, a few years past it and/or do not live in this area). But that’s okay! I’m happy to risk it and just see if we luck across someone awesome. Weirder things have happened.
We ran across an agent at an open house we stumbled on to last weekend, and he looked like he was just *longing* to mansplain things to my wife and sell us *hard* on some shit we didn’t need and couldn’t afford. So then we walked out and were like “Never anyone like that ever.”
Ah ha ha. I have never bought a house, but I have a funny real estate agent story.
There is a gorgeous amazing heritage house near us that my boyfriend and I both love. One day I was at work on a Sunday (wah wah) and he called me and said “the green house is for sale and also it is having an open house RIGHT NOW” and I jumped on my bike and rushed home and we went over. The real estate agent was wearing an ill fitting suit and was putting cookies in the oven NO JOKE. He only spoke to my boyfriend and never to me (which was hilarious because a) I make all the money, really, like I make 70% of our combined income and b) I also make all the decisions, really). And then he told my boyfriend that the unfinished attic would make a “great man-cave” and we both almost lost it laughing and had to leave immediately.
A MAN CAVE.
(The sad end to this story is, of course, that we live in Vancouver and the house listed for $1.4 million despite having no backyard at all and was sold within 3 days for an undisclosed amount above asking, and we went back to our shared rental full of roommates to drink beer and think not at all about the future.)
We’re in the process of buying a house and so far it’s been a relatively straightforward if slow process. We got lucky because a contractor neighbor tipped us off about it–everything else we’d seen we liked through agents we got outbid on (property is stupidly expensive here and bidding wars happen all the time). I wish you and your wife lots of luck and hope you find a home you love!
I have made it to the later levels of Super Mario 3D World and it is NO JOKE. At least being in my 30s and having a full time job means I no longer have any shame about taking the “wow, you suck at this level” invincibility powerups.
I’m on World 2, and stuck on the level where your head is a propeller. Hrmph.
I think there’s some secret levels that get unlocked if you beat the whole thing without invincibility, etc. etc. etc., and when I saw that in the guide I was like hahahahah yeah no.
Book-finding thread!
The recommendations-for-an-eleven-year-old thread above reminded me about a book whose title I cannot for the life of me remember. The main character is a little girl who gets sent from the city to live with her aunt and uncle on a farm. I remember specifically that she is scared of everything and eats like a bird, in part because she likes being fussed over. And then she… eats more and gets healthy and plays rough games in the schoolyard? It is an old timey book that I loved as a kid, but I cannot remember its name.
Anyone else have books they are trying to find?
Understood Betsy??
YES I THINK SO!
There is this fantasy series.
The first book is told from the POV of four-ish characters. Here are the plot points I can remember:
Female main character kills a man (maybe sort of dies herself? It’s weird), this shade comes back. Oh yeah, that happens. Sometimes when people die suddenly or unnaturally their ghost comes back, can only be seen by certain people, and for the ghost to go to rest the person who can see them has to maybe tell someone?
Our maybe-dead emotionally stunted murderer girl runs away and rides horses for a living and becomes like, some important horserider? The fastest one or something? A big deal is made of it. Until her horse dies and she runs away again.
There’s a character who can bring the dead shades back so they’re solid and he kills a whole town with a ghost army.
There’s another character whose plot line is mostly him getting involved with criminals in a city somewhere.
Oh, and theres some reed city where people live on a hidden island made out of reeds.
PLEASE HELP I WANT TO READ THE SECOND AND THIRD BOOKS.
Say when you read it to narrow it down?
I got it from a charity shop about 6 months ago, but I think the book was published between 08 and 11? It READS like late tens fantasy.
I forgot it was Friday!!! Crazy week. I started. New job and when I showed up no one knew I was hired and there has been quite the scramble. But it is great and as of now I have a good separation between work and home life again. And coworkers are all great!!
Toast!
There is a grad student in our department / social circle who has recently gone through a really bad break up. He has recently taken to saying things to single women in the department / social circle like “You are so smart and funny and pretty, how are you still single?!?” “I would ask you to marry me right now if I had a ring!” “I’m just trying to be honest, you should know how great you are!” all of these things have been said in social as opposed to school settings but there have also been drunk texts. I have been uncomfortable with this, is reads as pursuit under the thin guise of friendship in a way that has made the ladies it is directed at feel uncomfortable about putting a direct stop to. They are not my business anyway. But I (not so single lady in long distance relationship) just discovered this Facebook message that I did not see when it showed up that says “Yo I liked your dress today! It was fun!” Just out of the blue. And there is a chance he really is just trying to spread cheer? But it feels creepy? Because I never responded in the first place I don’t really have to do anything. However, it bothers me? At minimum its a borderline way to treat peers.What are your thoughts? Do I need to say something?
i think he’s probably mostly trying to be cheery, with maybe an undercurrent of flirting. i don’t think you need to say anything unless he directly makes you uncomfortable, in which case it’s really easy to be like “hey i know you’re just trying to compliment me, but that sounded really flirty, and i’m not really into that so can you cool it on the compliments for a bit? :)”
if he’s making other people uncomfortable, just advise them to do the same and leave it. if crazy flirting is going on in a shared office and that bothers you, just a quick “hey can you guys go grab a coffee or something, i really need to crack down on this article” should suffice. otherwise, these examples don’t sound threatening or upsetting enough for you to interject on another person’s behalf unless they ask you to.
a lot of this sounds like stuff that was commonly thrown around our grad school department by people who weren’t even attracted to each other, so i’d try not to stress about it too much.
Ha. I am not a good person to ask about people in grad school departments whose behaviour is confusing because I just. neatly avoid them. for like. two years.
BUT if he’s a good friend you’d rather stay in contact with, can you ask him about the motivations for these comments? Something casual over some beers — “hey man, what’s up with the sudden influx of compliments? it can be nice sometimes, don’t get me wrong, but other times it seems a little forced. I’m just wondering where you’re coming from.” He may reveal himself to be dickcheese or not, accordingly.
Oh nooooo, that shit is so fucking WEIRD. I had a friend who would send out mass texts about how we were “cute, like really cute, cute as buttons” – and every time, I felt so weird – like I needed to make sure it wasn’t flirting, and if it was, that I needed to discourage it without hurting his feelings.
I got off the mailing list via a huge fight about whether I could feel sad about the UCSB shootings. Everyone in your program could try that approach.
Toasties, what is your preference for physical books vs. paper books? I got a 1st gen. Kindle back in the stone ages, and I love it, I truly do. I love the portability and instant downloady-ness and it makes me feel like I’m not cluttering up my house with books.
BUT. I miss books! I recently went through and got rid of a ton of dead book weight, and now my shelves have spaces that beckon me to fill them. I think what I will do is buy paper copies of the types of books that have the most impact on me personally, which, let’s just be honest, means fantasy and British mysteries. But I read a lot of nonfiction too. I think I will delegate that to the Kindle because I don’t tend to re-read it as much or care about actually holding the book in my hands – I just want the information in it.
How do you guys decide what to download vs. what to purchase?
Haha I do the exact opposite! I am more like to buy something with lots of information in it in hard copy, so I can flip around the pages and refer to stuff, or easily read back a couple pages when I’ve forgotten what we’re talking about. My lighter, for-fun reading goes on my kindle. I am a big library person too, and I’m not much of re-reader, so I’m not so tied to the idea of having to have impactful books around me.
Honestly? I go to the bookstore once every four or five weeks, and buy one or two that I’ve really been wanting. I consult my Goodreads and my lists, etc. Anything I want in the interim, I download (these tend to be more impulsey buys). I have, luckily, quite a bit of room in the book buying budget.
I like to have copies of “Important” books in paperback or hardcover – like, I bought Bad Feminist in paperback so that I could loan it out.
I went from a staunch “I love physical books” stance to “Yay Kindle” when I was reading The Way of Kinds by Brandon Sanderson in hardback, which is a thousand pages long and was heavy enough that the corner of the binding was leaving bruises on my stomach when I rested it there while reading. I have also found that I am much more apt to throw caution to the wind and buy whatever appeals to me on the Kindle vs going to the bookstore for something I specifically wanted – I’ve read a lot more non-fiction and biographies since I got the Kindle.
I still pick up the occasional history book at a second hand store, which usually goes on the vanity shelf with my history books and my boyfriend’s law books but all in all I have come to prefer the Kindle.
Yeah my newly-rediscovered sci-fi/fantasy habit would not have happened without my Kindle. Especially Brandon Sanderson (I am reading Mistborn in paperback right now but the Stormlight Archive? NOPE) and Patrick Rothfuss.
I got into Brandon Sanderson when I forgot to decline my book club one month. It is the ONLY time I have not regretted my book club.
The only paper books I buy now are lavishly illustrated ones or graphic novels – I heart my kindle and have been a total convert since I got it. I’ve filled one up and have half-filled my second!
I don’t have the money to purchase a ton of books, so I stay on top of my library — both paper books and ebook rentals. I have a goodreads list and regularly cycle through it to see what’s available now and what I can get on a hold list for. Anything that I really want to read that has a really long waiting list, I buy, usually on kindle. But then if I’m wandering through a bookstore I’ll buy some paper things too. And anything I want to loan out I buy a paper copy of also (just did this with Bad Feminist).
I read a lot of YA, too, and I prefer to read it on kindle because a bunch of the covers are super embarrassing, and also I go through them really fast and I don’t like paying $10 or $15 for two or three hours of reading time that I won’t want to read again. So I do a lot of those as ebooks through the library.
Yeah, that’s one of the things I’m struggling with. Not every fantasy thing I read is something I’ll read again. And the nice thing about the Kindle is that I feel I get exposed to a wider variety of titles, either through BookBub or by getting samples.
I try to do the library thing as much as possible, but I always end up racking up fines because I am forgetful. Which is silly – the library is around the corner from my office.
I live two blocks from a library and work four blocks from a different library and I can never remember to return things either. :/
I have actual record fines for libraries. I can’t go anymore, because I do not return the books, and I do not know why it is such a mental block.
I will go in there and lust after books, though, then put them on my list to get on Kindle.
I know what you mean. I have worked or volunteered in five libraries, my mother was a library clerk, and three of my cousins are librarians, so you would think I would be good about it but I just suck. at. returning. books.
My habits are about the same, but instead of YA I read science fiction cause sci fi ebooks are verrrry cheap.
I have been very unfortunate to have had 2-3 good friends leave NYC within the last year, but very fortunate that they were in jobs related to publishing, and I basically inherited their entire stash of galley copies. My shelves are probably 60% comprised of books I have never read (and I have a LOT of shelves).
I got a kindle way back when and used it for about six months before I completely reverted to physical books. I got annoyed because I couldn’t flip back and forth easily (turns out I don’t necessarily read books in order, which I hadn’t realized until I got the kindle). And then I’d want to share a book with my husband or his mom or my friend and that was really hard to do with ebooks, and I started thinking about all the books I already own and don’t want to replace and the ones I want to share with my future kids and I just gave up on the kindle. And then I went back and re-read A Song of Ice and Fire (which I’d initially read on the kindle) and discovered the maps and appendexes and all these other things that weren’t obvious in the ebook and I got mad that I hadn’t had them on my first read through.
That said, I do own electronic copies of my favorite books (Good Omens, Pride and Prejudice, etc) in case I get stuck somewhere without a book and/or need a good comfort read.
I have the Kindle app on my iPad mini, but I only really use the iPad mini when I’m traveling, when portability is the most important factor. Otherwise I’m still devoted to physical books.
I really love having physical books, but I also love the instant gratification of purchasing a kindle book. I definitely get anything that is free on Kindle to read on there. YA or things that I just want to start reading right away are also what I get for Kindle. If it’s easy to get from the library then I get it from there. If it’s not any of those things then I probably will buy the physical book. One of my childhood dreams was to someday have a library room in my house and I have not given up on that yet!
For a while, the small city I live in didn’t have any bookstore after the Barnes and Noble closed. Now an independent one opened and I need to start going there more because I miss just wandering around in a bookstore and seeing the physical books before buying them.
Thanks to my fella having all the books, I’m working on a library room too and it’s great! Don’t give up!
I just had a similar thing happen not far from where I live – a Borders closed, but then an independent place came along, which is great! Much love for Northshire Books, you guys. How could you not love a book shop with a name like that? It’s impossible. I don’t get down there as often as I should though.
Short answer: I was VERY anti-Kindle until last year when I had a wedding every 3 weeks all summer long. Now I love it, but still buy physical copies of my favorites after I’ve finished them in Kindle format.
As a broke student who has the living space of a battery chicken, I highly endorse checking out physical books from the library, with one or two shelves of your own books that are a) your absolute favorites, b) rare or fragile, or c) of sentimental value. My phone dies too quickly for PDFs.
I mostly get ebooks, and I’m a bit conflicted about that. My local bookstore has a very small collection of books, so if I want to get a particular book I usually have to buy it online, and then I figure I might as well get it electronically so I don’t have to wait a week or two and then store it after. Basically, I tend to buy ebooks when I want a particular books, but get paperback when I want to browse. The one limitation is that with my Kobo, I can’t share books. I have one book I really want my mom to read, and unfortunately I only own the electronic copy. I’m trying to decide if I want to shell out to buy her her own copy, or just keep trying to get her to get it from the library herself.
I mostly read fiction in paper and non-fiction on my Kindle. Which also translates to, things that I will want to re-read I buy as a paper book and one-offs I read electronically.
Currently, I am re-reading Connie Willis’ To Say Nothing of the Dog in paper (and I have a stack to read after that — Atkinson’s Life After Life and Ozeki’s A Tale for the Time Being and — just bought! — the screenplay of the Grand Budapest Hotel) and reading Piketty’s Capial on the Kindle (because, really, it is too long to read the hard copy).
If we read something and someone loves it passionately, we tend to buy it on paper if we can find it used. And then a lot of stuff we like to read is just not available as ebooks, like the middlebrow authors from the 50s, so we get those from the library or occasionally buy them. And finally old neat books, like we have one of the early collected volumes of Punch from the 1840s because, 1840s! Book! Right over there on my shelf where I can look at it right now!
Last week I went on vacation to Prince Edward Island, fulfilling all of my Anne/Emily dreams. It exceeded my high expectations I loved it so much. I read the Rubio bio of Maud before I went which I know some other Toasties have read – it made me so sad for her! Especially everything about her eldest son.
The Toast also alerted me last year to the existence of the Dear Canada series. I managed to purchase six of these books including a special Christmas edition.
Anyone want to talk about LMM or PEI? Or Dear Canada?
I went to PEI for my honeymoon and I absolutely loved it. Er, I’ve never actually read the Anne stuff or watched the show (PLEASE DON’T KICK ME OFF THE TOAST) so I just went to see the rest of the island and it was so, so wonderful and friendly and I had Canadian Thanksgiving and ate my weight in mussels. I definitely want to go back.
It is never too late to read LMM’s masterworks.
PEI was almost disgustingly beautiful. We would look out over a field of Queen Anne’s lace and fields to pines and ocean beyond and just be like “UGH. I can’t even stand it” We traveled through a good bit of the island and did a lot of driving. We actually drove to Halifax too which was gorgeous – the tides at the Bay of Fundy were amazing. I love Canada.
I had both curried mussels and white wine sauce mussles and they were delicious. The best non-dessert thing I ate was probably the lobster and scallops gnocchi. Best dessert was Cows ice cream. I had poutine thrice and maple syrup on my breakfast every morning. I ate a gouda with nettles in it and “dragon’s breath” blue cheese. I love food.
I’m going to nitpick here for a second, but Halifax isn’t on the Bay of Fundy, it’s on the Atlantic itself–you would have passed the head of Fundy at Truro en route to Halifax. BUT that is only because I lived out East for years and Halifax gets allllll the attention!
Cows ice cream is THE BEST EVER.
Yes. I know.
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you.
Oooh! Which Dear Canadas?
OH GOD YES LET’S TALK ABOUT DC. I have literally read every single one, multiple times, and am frequently the first person to take them out of the library.
highjump, which ones did you buy? Many are awesome! Some of the newer ones are eh–I really didn’t like the most recent one about the Alberta landslide, and I didn’t care for An Ocean of Tears, either.
OR LET’S TALK ABOUT LMM TOO AUGH.
I haven’t read them in a long time! (In fact, shamefully, did not realise they were still being published! But am glad to hear that they are).
My favourite was the one where they lived in the town in Saskatchewan that was named for both the founder’s daughters.
Also I will talk about LMM any time any place.
They are! There’s a new one being published NEXT MONTH about the great fire in St. John’s in 1892! Brrr I’m so excited for it!
I adored Dear America so I am pretty freaking excited. I’m going to start with the Halifax explosion one because I saw the exhibit in the maritime museum. There were some impressive Canadian stoicism contained therein: a guy whose entire family was killed “at least I did not hear them cry” and another similar victim “I was lonely, at times” I am a proud Minnesotan so no stranger to that type of thinking, but damn Canada – that is next level.
I’m going to pimp myself here for a minute. Did you read my article last year on it?? http://the-toast.net/2013/12/06/on-the-96th-anniv…
Wait, you wrote that one? Man, all my favourite toast commenters/twitterers are also the writers of my favourite articles!
I did! And I am very keen on Canadian history, so I love other people getting excited about it, too!
It just occurred to me how weird it is that LMM never mentioned the Halifax explosion in Rilla of Ingleside. I wonder why she made that decision.
I have an article upcoming here on Rilla, and you know, I have wondered that myself. The comparatively-less-exciting burning of Parliament made it in, in an aside, but I wondered if the explosion was too close to home–or actually, in reality I think it was just one of many tragic things that didn’t make it into the final cut. I have no trouble thinking that it was mentioned in an earlier draft and cut for irrelevance, or something like that? It’s possible.
I hope your article will discuss the absurd amount of dashes in Rilla. I love a good dash myself every now and then but I think LMM used more of them than she did periods in this book! Like:
So Ken was home–and he had not even written her that he was coming. He had been in Canada two weeks and she had not had a line from him. Of course he had forgotten–if there was ever anything to forget–a handclasp–a kiss–a look–a promise asked under the influence of a passing emotion. It was all absurd–she had been a silly, romantic, inexperienced goose. Well, she would be wiser in the future–very wise–and very discreet–and very contemptuous of men and their ways.
(I chose that sample for the burgeoning misandry.)
I do not! But part of it I think is LMM’s writing style changing over the ages, and possibly her editors having a lighter hand with her work than they did previously. In Windy Poplars and Ingleside, which are mostly short stories rewritten, there are plenty of ellipses and dashes that sort of stand in for earlier Montgomery’s more expansive descriptions and dialogues. So I think it’s a bit of stylistic change over time, really.
Where the River Takes Me: Hudson Bay Company diary
Orphan at My Door: House Child diary
A Season for Miracles: Twelve Tales of Christmas
If I Die Before I Wake: Flu Epidemic
That Fatal Night: Titanic
No Safe Harbor: Halifax Explosion
I really wanted to find the filles du roi one but no luck. I guess I could order it from Canadian Amazon? The Toast article on the filles du roi was how I found out about Dear Canada.
Orphan at my Door is great! I liked that one a lot. And the filles du roi one is worth tracking down.
I loved the Dear Canada books, especially the fille du roi one. Oh and the Home Children one! So sad.
The Home Children one and the Exiles From the War one are SO SAD, and yet so good, as is the Filles du Roi, and the prairie one. The Halifax Explosion one is also excellent, as is the new Titanic one.
Exiles from the war?! Ugh I am going to have to give my money to Canadian Amazon aren’t I? It will be worth it.
Maybe I should just plan more trips to Canada.
I did not know that there was a new Titanic one. Luckily I work at a school and am allowed to take the books out, so I guess I will just be stocking up on Dear Canada once school starts again!
It’s called That Fatal Night, and it is delightful!
I feel like I’m handling the ALS ice bucket challenge all wrong because basically I’m just going “aw yeah, more Marvel actors doused in water, rock on!” I think that makes me terrible. I got challenged on FB to do it myself and I just haven’t gotten around to it (I’m kind of on the fence about it? The idea that someone can just randomly challenge you out of the blue to douse yourself in freezing water and/or give your money to a cause you didn’t choose yourself doesn’t quite sit right with me, nor does the peer pressure bullying I’ve seen some people get for declining to do it). Still considering. May do it. May not. We’ll see.
I’m replaying a full all-games playthrough of Mass Effect for what has to be like the ninth time. I can’t get past this game. I’ve sort of played other games since Mass Effect came out, but I keep coming back to ME. I never even finished Skyrim (and I loved Skyrim, too) because I kept coming back to Mass Effect. Mass Effect owns my soul. I’m half-tempted to put Liara on my future baby names list.
Oh man, I’m about up for a full run through ME — it’s been enough time that I’ve recovered from ME3 (and I know where, for me, the story ends and I can just stop playing), and I miss my Shep.
I have never been so attached to a character in my life as I have to Shepard (Fem!Shep, obviously). It’s a whole new level of intense.
Me too! I am in the middle of what I am terming my “definitive” playthrough, which is on my own XBox gamertag instead of my boyfriend’s which is where my original career was. I took my original character model, renamed her from Alix to Alice, changed from Adept to Infiltrator (which I found out during my second playthrough I vastly preferred to any other class) and am now making mostly Paragon with some Renegade choices instead of my pure Paragon path from my first playthrough.
I intend on doing my “definitive” playthrough last–I’m about halfway through my “figure out what that is” process (I’m doing paragon/renegade on all classes, trying out different romances and so on) and this time around I’m doing paragon Vanguard with Garrus romance and REALLY enjoying myself. Vanguard feels like god mode.
I have seen people say “Thank you for nominating me, I gave to Other Charity instead because [personal reasons],” so that’s an option?
Oh, that’s a nice idea, I like it.
I WANT TO DO A FULL PLAY THROUGH OF MASS EFFECT OH MY GOD THAT SOUNDS SO FUN but I do not have the time, dammit, being an adult can be crap some times.
It takes me SO LONG TO DO IT. My college-aged sister did a full all-games playthrough in like two weeks. I’m literal months into this one. I just play when I can, basically. Sometimes on weekends I set aside a half a day to just binge through a few missions, and that’s a lot of fun!
Two of my favorite words: Personal Policy. “It is my personal policy to contribute to charity in strict privacy. Thanks for the nudge and be assured I do support worthy causes.” Then write a check or volunteer for *your* favorite orgs.
I like it! Thank you for the suggestion!
I’m getting married in November and thought I was being impressively nonchalant about everything considering I am an extremely anxious person. But then this week I had a VERY distressing dream where time suddenly sped up and it was November and I still hadn’t done ANYTHING left on my to-do list! Which meant there was no bar booked (we’re having a rather tiny wedding but want to have a place afterwards for our friends to drop in!). Oh it was very stressful. I woke up the next morning in such a tizzy.
So this week I filled out our marriage license and maybe this weekend I will tackle that pile of veil-making supplies sitting on my dining room table. Such fun!
Are you me!? I was nonchalant in real life and anxiety-dreaming, until about two weeks before, and then I did get a little stressed. But then all of a sudden my in-laws came, everything ran ahead of schedule on both days, and it was a beautiful day. Yours will be too!
Congratulations!!
Thanks! Always nice to meet another relaxed-ish wedding person. So you’re saying the anxiety dreams will continue? Boo.
Married a year ago, still have the dreams where I’m in my dress and it’s tripping me and I can’t move and am being chased by angry guests and also we’re at my work and not the venue and nothing is done. I had a fantastic wedding and relatively little stress planning it (with lots of loving support from friends and family), but that didn’t stop the nightmares…
Yes, but remembering your Self-Care helps! I promise!
hi toasties! a few things:
1. HI GINKOTREE I got your postcard in the mail! It was lovely, I hope your ate lots of noodles/dumplings/hot pot/street-side bbq in Beijing when you were there many moons ago 🙂 Which reminds me, I really need to snail mail mine…
2. had an interview for a part time writing gig this week, which booo I didn’t get. This feels like the year of me getting to the last step of every application process, only to not make it. (applied for a program to work abroad, applied for a new job, now the part time gig). It’s hard not to be bummed out and wonder, what gives?
3. my current job is really getting on my nerves, like when you spend lots of time with one person and eventually all their little annoying habits are amplified and you just cant take it anymore. my current “exit strategy” means I have to stay here for at least 9 more months… I don’t know if I can take it for that much longer, mostly because it’s becoming really apparent that my immediate superior (Old White Man) really doesn’t seem to ever take me seriously or appreciate any initiative I try to take, so it’s like, why do I even bother/why do I try to make things better.
4. I’m so sad I missed the impromptu Vancouver toast meetup! I hope it was a blast for everyone 🙂
I think, in regards to point numero 2, that A) that’s a super bummer 🙁 and I’m sorry that’s happening to you, because it feels like shit when things you want don’t work out and B) when those things happen it’s like the universe saying to you NOPE NOT THAT WAY because you belong in a different place. I hope I don’t sound like The Alchemist here but that’s what I have to tell myself when things I want don’t work out because otherwise I am FILLED with DESPAIR slowly puddling in the bottom of my soul like coffee drip drip dripping into the coffee pot at the end of the brew cycle except the brew cycle doesn’t stop and eventually erodes away any energy to be happy I once had and that’s poop.
Related to numero 3, I’m sorry that the universe is being The Alchemist at a bad time :(. It’s bad enough when things you want don’t work out, but when they’re not working out when you’re already in a crappy place and want to get out, it’s extra horrible. Those are the times when you want to table flip life and peace the fuck out and go get all the fun drinks. I really, really hope the universe steps up its goddamn game soon and opens up something good for you job-wise. And that Old White Man trips on his shoes today and falls in dog poo and no one feels sorry for him.
Toasties, has reading the nice comments by all the other Toasties here made anyone else feel a little bummed about their IRL friends? I do love my IRL friends, but sometimes they just don’t ‘get’ things like: thinking there are ‘two sides’ to the Ferguson issue (I shut that down and to his credit, that friend was open enough to be swayed by my opinion) and things like needing to be sexy every minute of the day and chalking it up to, “It’s part of our evolutionary nature – we can’t escape it.”
I think part of this is that I’m an early Gen-Xer (an ‘old’) who keeps up with pop culture and thought and feel like a lot of my friends aren’t reading/exposed to the new thoughts about race and life and – therefore aren’t really learning? Does that make sense? Has anyone else experienced this?
Anyhow, I guess what I’m saying is, thanks for being you, Toasties. I wish you all could be my IRL friends!
I like that things like the OT and Toastie Twitter mean I can call Toasties my IRL friends. It is nice to have this community.
Yes, branch out! I’ve been hemming and hawing about getting on Twitter, as I’ve seen all the Toasties on there. I just need to make a decision on how anonymous/non-anonymous I want to be….
I, too, love this community!
Some of us Toastie Twitterites are completely anonymous, some just a bit, and then there’s me who just full-names all over the place. (Please don’t steal my identity!)
I totally feel this! Partially a lot of my IRL friends just don’t have much time for getting together, so twitter and toast comments are becoming my favourite way to talk about news and pop culture and things!
I feel you. I separate my friends, in my mind, into different groups – people I appreciate because we talk politics, people I love because they are good people, people I am friends with because our professional interests align, Toasties, etc. It helps manage my expectations, I guess, and I just talk about certain things with certain people. Not a perfect solution, but it works well enough.
I’m an early Gen-Xer (an ‘old’) who keeps up with pop culture
Alright, I probably had that coming, but… a little too clever, Manka. A little too clever! :O)
For serious, though, I feel the exact same way about my IRL friends. Are they nice people? Yes. Do I love spending time with them? Yes. Do I want to spend half an hour and all my sanity screaming at them about societal oppression? Hell no. This is the best safe space.
Early X-er who has moved or had my IRL friends move too far away but freaks out at the side of them I see on Facebook here. I feel your pain. And even though I’m too creaky and anxious to attend a meet-up, I do consider the Open Thread (the whole thing, Toasties, source code, American Apparel ads and all) to be my friends.
Toasties, I need help with some baaaad procrastination and related self-loathing that I have going on right now.
Facing a rewrite of a thing that I haaaated writing the first time round, bored by the topic, think my concept is stupid, feel like I don’t have the material I need to do this properly and don’t have the time to get it. It feels like an unconquerable mountain and I hate it and I can’t picture ever completing this thing and/or being happy with it but I am staring down the barrel of the deadline and I HAVE to do this, like RIGHT NOW. Knowing this, nonetheless, things I have done this week include: reading the entire internet; playing with the cat; uncontrollable crying; napping; all-day facebook chats; more napping; more crying; one full-blown panic attack; cleaning kitchen; sudden new addiction to a crappy daytime TV show; eating body weight in Nutella; going for 5 walks a day to “clear my head”.
I know, theoretically, what I need to do: break it down, do one small step at a time, let go of perfectionism, etc etc. But for some reason, with this one, I just CAN’T. Any genius tips for snapping out of my lethargy and self-loathing and fear of failure and just getting the bloody thing done, imperfect and wobbly as it may be?
STRUCTURED PROCRASTINATION – Invent something that is worse than the thing you need to rewrite, and is more urgent and important than it. Then procrastinate the other thing by doing the shitty rewrite. If you can come up with something urgent and scary enough, it totally works.
(Sadly I did not invent this. A philosopher did, while procrastinating doing something else. http://www.structuredprocrastination.com )
New goal: that sweet relief when this shit is done. No longer evaluating concept or material. No longer expecting to be even close to happy with it. Look at it as someone else’s writing and focus on completion.
When I JUST CAN’T (and often even when I TOTALLY CAN BUT DON’T), I set a timer and get to work. Until that timer dings, I am not allowed to do anything but the work at hand. As soon as the timer dings, I wrap up my sentence—yes, even if I feel like I could keep writing!—and take a sweet, sweet break, which is also timed. I just keep up the alternating timed sessions, work/break/work/break, until I’m done for the day.
You can set the timer for as long or as short as seems reasonable, though I never ever set it beyond an hour. Even 20 minutes of chipping away at a tiresome, horrible job is better than no minutes, and especially 20 minutes repeating all day.
I do find the break is crucial to the success of this technique. Don’t skimp on your breaks.
If possible, it sounds like you need to do some work outside of your house. Libraries can be great for this, if that’s available.
Try to be really kind to yourself about all the stuff in your life that is NOT this project (but keep in mind you will feel better if you eat normal-ish food/meals).
As Rose says, your goal now is completion, not quality.
I shamelessly rely on technology to save me from myself. I use Freedom, which blocks the internet for a given amount of time, or Antisocial, which only blocks “fun” or “social” sites plus any others you want to add (good for when I need to be able to access the internet for research, but not for wasting time on FB or, ahem, the Toast).
Other suggestion: work with a buddy. That way you don’t get as lonely and scared as you might just by being alone with your writing. Also they can see when you’re on FB and mock you for it. 🙂
I use a Chrome extension called Strict Workflow that separates my day into: 25 minutes where all my favourite sites are blocked, followed by 5 minutes where I am free to do whatever. It still requires some discipline, since I have to choose one task and work on it hard for 25 minutes (no dithering multi-tasking) and I have to click to restart the timer at the end of my 5 minute free time. It still helps because it only takes a second of willpower to click that button, and you can’t turn it off once it’s on so I am then forced to either work or stare blankly out the window.
Weirdly (perhaps) the breaking it down, one small step at a time thing just totally doesn’t work for me. I find that I need to grasp the bull by the horns and be like WE are DOING THIS and we are DOING THIS ALL RIGHT NOW and plunge full speed ahead into the shitmire because for whatever reasons mountains are easier for me to conquer than lots of tiny little molehills taken on reasonably one at a time.
Also, I have a Pandora station that is pretty exclusively movie soundtracks because yo when that Batman Begins or Last of the Mohicans theme music comes on it is impossible NOT to feel TOTALLY EPIC in whatever you’re doing. Imagine plunging through your work, galloping fearlessly forward, the same way that Daniel Day Lewis sprang through the forest hunting that poor deer. Except here, the deer is your work, and THERE WILL BE NO MERCY. That, plus coffee = unearned feelings of invincibility and the hunger to conquer things you hate. Now it is just about the doing, not about the doing well. AND THAT’S OKAY!!!
Then afterwards, invest in a lot of self-care time because panic attacks are the worst and take so much energy. GOOD LUCK!! The Toasties are rooting for you!!
clearly, I need a lot of over-the-top action packed skin thrilling encouragement to get through my day.
Yes! This is the attitude I need, I think. Part of my problem with short bits of work and regular breaks is that suddenly I look up and my 10-minute break has become the whole afternoon (of… what? I don’t even know), so some plunging headfirst into the shitmire is now called for. I LOVE the epic soundtrack idea and will be implementing that forthwith, for the late night I am planning of epically unshitting the shitmire. See, this is why Toasties are the best commentariat on the interweb. <3
‘unshitting the shitmire’ will now be the words used whenever engaging in an unwanted task. and GO YOU!!!! I think taking the first step into the shitplunge is the hardest – and this has definitely never been a foolproof plan of action for me because I do end up taking breaks that sometimes drag out, but mostly just having the attitude of I AM DOING THIS TONIGHT AND THAT IS WHEN IT IS GETTING IT DONE helps me a lot and then I stay up until it’s finished or until I am literally too burned out to function and need some sleep.
GO FORTH AND UNSHIT!!!! <3
I’m unshitting! I’m unshitting!
Also, eyeballing my twee “Keep Calm And Carry On” mug and wishing I had one that said “GO FORTH AND UNSHIT!” instead.
It will go perfectly next to the one that reads ‘Male Tears’ on the side!!!
Guys it’s the last day of my 20’s! I’m not at all freaked out about turning 30 in general (and my life has been mercifully free of people trying to make me feel freaked out about it), but today I feel a bit like “aaaa it’s the close of a decade! Gosh!”
But also excited, because I love birthdays like a small child.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (Man, my thirties were great, insofar as an arbitrary period of time can be distinguished from another.)
Turning 30 is the BEST. THE BEST.
Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday! The Dirty Thirty happened to me a couple weeks ago too, and you know how people ask if you feel any different on your birthday? Well, it did sort of feel different. But only for a day. Make sure you eat all the ice cream and booze you want!
I miss you guys! I was out of town for a week, and then it was tech week for this musical I’m doing (“Chess” — you either love it passionately like the eccentric Cold War/ABBA fan you are, or you never heard of it), and then I got a head cold. Apparently, I am a huge baby when I get a cold, because I stayed in bed for four days.
Anyway, I miss you guys. How is everybody doing? What did I miss while I was out of the internet for so long?
Gonna be singing “One Night in Bangkok” for the rest of the day now, thanks.
I’m here to help.
CHESS! I love it so much. My favorite is “Anthem,” because I’m a big ol’ ball of cheese.
What makes a song anthemic? Like, why do “The Star-Spangled Banner” and “Gosudarstvenny Gimn Rossiyskoy Federatsii” both sound like national anthems, while, say, “This Land is Your Land” doesn’t? Musically-literate Toasties?
“This Land is Your Land” doesn’t have any trumpets?
I can’t remember if I posted about this before or not. A couple months ago I asked for a raise. The tactic I tried was “I do a lot of things that weren’t in the job description I applied for, and I am good at them, so I should have more money.” I have a copy of what I applied for, which was a 6-bullet point list on a craigslist ad. My boss did not like this at all. He pulled out my “real job description,” which I had never seen before, and is several pages of detail that is a little closer to what I do, but still not quite. I wrote out a list of all the things I think I do, and then he compared it to his list and asked me rather contentiously to point out exactly how I felt my list was different than his — basically, he thinks everything I do is encompassed in his super vague bullet points, therefore I am doing my job as written and deserve no more money.
This was discouraging, to say the least. He finally agreed to give me a tiny raise, just rounding up to the next whole number basically, which is a little insulting. But this afternoon we are going to have the (hopefully last) section of the discussion, where we go over the new revised job description he made me write for myself. And I seriously don’t want to do it. I want this all to be over, and I almost want to refuse his puny not-raise, but I do actually need every extra dollar I can squeeze.
SO DONE WORKING FOR A MAN, you guys.
You need every dollar, and you need a new boss. What an ass.
Thanks.
I forgot to mention the best part, which is: according to him, if he takes the time and energy to train me in new skills, then I will ask for more money later, therefore “charging him twice.” ugggggggggg
>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>:>: I can’t.
Wuuuuuut?!
Limit the effort you give this manager. Do your duty, but no more than that. Schedule time and energy for a job hunt. You deserve better.
Thanks for that. Luckily I don’t usually have to work with him on a daily basis, and I do like my job mostly. It’s not bad enough (yet) that I need to quit immediately, so I have some time to figure out what I’m going to do. Would not feel bad about peacing out tomorrow if a great job landed in my lap, though.
That sucks. And the job description thing – so frustrating! My workplace is also weird about job descriptions, and while I get that there are sometimes protocol or bureaucratic reasons for how they are written… a Type A planner like myself WANTS THE DEETS. I’m sorry your boss is being bullheaded. At least a small raise is still something good?
OKAY IT’S DONE everything went fine and I am so OVER IT that instead of trying to make sure he 100% understood every single thing I said, I just said YES OKAY HERE LET’S BE DONE and now I will get my puny retroactive insult raise at my next pay period. Phewwwwwwwww. On to happy hour. (I will be taking myself to happy hour and reading a book at the bar, congratulations to myself.)
Yes, congratulations! I admire your abandoning the notion that he must understand. Limiting the energy he takes from you. Very good. Have a lovely weekend.
The Man I live with (aka my husband) is fiddling with his anxiety/depression meds. It is needed, because the previous one wasn’t working right, but none of the new ones are working right either, and the process is So Exhausting. He’s an asshole for a week, then he’s depressed and sleeping 14+ hrs a day for a week, then he’s jittery for a week … Obviously it’s necessary but I’m having a hard time protecting my own mental health.
Also he isn’t taking steps to mitigate any of this, or even doing the non-medication things depressed people can do to help it (sleep hygiene, eat well, exercise) and that is super frustrating to me. I can’t figure out how to be flexible and compassionate about the process of finding the right drug, and also not interested in putting up with bullshit “but I don’t waaaaaant to shower every day” stuff.
Advice? Thoughts? Commiseration? Blerg.
I have been, am often, just like your spouse. I have no advice. Just thanks. Thanks for sticking with us anxious, depressed partners.
An inarticulate This, hearty agreement, tears in eyes.
My Man I Live With often fiddles with his meds, and goes off them completely every few months. I get really frustrated, because he KNOWS what happens when he does this, yet he can’t stop experimenting. I don’t have great advice, although I’ve found nagging surrounding anything with mental health does more harm than good. The best things I’ve found is to just say “I know you’re having hard time, but I feel really anxious and naggy related to xyz behavior, and I don’t want to take it out on you because I love you and I know it’s probably even harder for you than me. So, I’m going to go spend the day with Friend, and I hope you consider doing xyz mitigating behavior to see if that helps.”
I have bipolar disorder, but nevertheless: sometimes doctors put people on/take people off meds, one after the other, without knowing, or with knowing and not caring, that people will still be dealing with withdrawal symptoms from the discontinued meds. I think you’re spouse is going through withdrawal symptoms, because of *week of asshole* and the rest. One drug must be tapered off before another started.
Maybe this is what is happening, the tapering, but it doesn’t sound like it.
I never do this, but I’ve got someone really remarkable who needs support to get started with her first year of college. She is going it alone, without family support, and she’s a fighter and ambitious and I believe she can succeed if she can get past some of these first-time financial hurdles. I want to signal-boost her GoFundMe, if that’s cool: http://www.gofundme.com/CGBridgeProgramFund
(Hi, Mods- I totally understand if this has to go.)
Quick update while out and about: thank you so much to the Toasties who shared such kid, supportive words when I was having a tough time last week! Everything is much better this week and I am having a wonderful time in new place, and your encouragement really helped me in a dark moment.
Internet hugs to all!
I need $$ advice! I am moving next week and at the end of the process I’m going to have basically emptied all my savings. I love the new apartment but it is a considerable step up in rent. I have a full-time, salaried job and I can pay my new rent if I budget, but I really want to build up a bit more of a “safety net” again. Right now I’m mostly looking into babysitting and have found a few occasional gigs but would like to find more. What do you do to make extra money?
focus groups! not a reliable source of income, but easy cash.
Depending on your hours, substitute teach! The first year after I graduated college, I worked nights and weekends at my main job and subbed on my days off and occasionally half-days at the end of my week. It was exhausting, but it paid decently and helped make up the mandatory furloughs at the main job.
Personal finance thread?
I spent less money than I thought I would on vacation in the Maritimes. On the last day I was in an adorable store in Halifax of letterpress cards, prints, and other just-twee-enough-for-me things that I don’t really need but I bought only one card because that is all I needed. Self control! Though my new addiction to Dear Canada books might undo some of that good work.
Still saving pretty aggressively with an eye towards a downpayment but now that I’m reading up on real estate trends I’m concerned we’re in another bubble. But I can worry more seriously about that in a few months. If I decide it is too risky I can throw it at my student loans and only have paid a little more interest than I would have if that is where I was directing my money all along.
The Managing Your Money 101 thing that I still struggle with is eating/going out. This is SUCH a low bar, but I’m trying to hold myself to a limit of one food purchase or bar tab per day. Which can be especially difficult on the weekends. If I bought myself a breakfast sandwich I can’t also go to happy hour. I can’t follow up brunch with a huge evening bar tab. It is just too big a money suck.
Yeah I’m no finance whiz but I am big on drinking out OR eating out, and tend to schedule the latter well in advance. I usually go with the drinking because I find it easier to combine with social outings.
ME TOO re: eating/going out. It is the hardest thing in the world.
I am getting booted from my dad’s health insurance due to AGE next month, and I really need to cut back on my frivolous spending somewhat, because I don’t want to lower the amount I’m putting in to savings each month by $200. Whyyyyyy.
That sucks. Peter Pan had it right- never grow up.
Personal finance! Nice job on your vacation! Did you have lobster?
We realized we can get our flights to the Hawaiian wedding on points this week, and that is a huge relief. I’m not going to stress the cost of the hotel so much now. My bike fund is doing super too, and I’m realllllly looking forward to pulling the trigger on something.
It can be hard to stop eating out. We rarely do as a cost saving measure, and now that I’m used to it, I hardly miss it. I feel like it frees up so much cash in my life.
Hello roumbaba! Thank you so much for your adorable postcard! It made my day 🙂
Toasticles, I’ve had a major itch to buy shit I don’t need lately, so I think this weekend I’m going to embark on a major clothing purge instead. Any tips for this? I am terrified.
I feel that urge in the vicinity of bookstores. I hand my wallet to a trusted companion and make them swear they will not give it back to me until we are out of sight of said crackstore. I mean bookstore.
oh god let me come clean out your closet. I love getting rid of shit so very much.
since you probably do not live close enough for my in person services, try selling to liketwice.com (they send you a big mailing bag for free). The money isn’t great but it makes it a little more inspiring to get rid of things.
oh, more tips:
If you did not wear it at all during the last season in which it was appropriate, get rid of it.
If it makes you feel frumpy, get rid of it, even if it is sensible/useful
If it has not fit for six months, get rid of it
Do not keep gifts you do not like
You do not need more than one or two sets of camping/painting/gardening clothes
It does not matter if it is still in good condition
If you used to love it, but you can’t figure out why you never reach for it anymore, get rid of it
If you regret buying it, do not keep it just to get your money’s worth. There is no value in wearing something you do not like
Don’t forget to get a receipt when you donate, you can save a lot of money on taxes! Alternatively, give to someone’s broke little sister. They are the most grateful for hand me downs.
I am now encouraged! Closet-cleaning for all! And thanks to catoclock for the fantastic alternative to buying more things! Re-discovering old clothes you love (and clearing out the crap that had been obscuring it) is way more satisfying than buying news clothes!
This is BRILLIANT. If I didn’t have a three-year-old to entertain this weekend, I would be doing it. Next weekend it is!
This is all great advice! I have a moderately hard time getting rid of stuff, mostly because I do the whole “but what if someday I NEED this oversized t-shirt from the summer camp I went to when I was 12??????” thing. And then my dresser/closet is always overflowing with random crap that I have to sift through to get to the things I actually wear on a regular basis. I know better but it’s so HARD.
If only you could come over and give me a stern lecture about Getting Rid of Crap You Never Wear.
if you live in the bay area, I totally will.
Pretty much the literal opposite, sadly (Massachusetts)
You and me, kid. I love to purge (things, not myself). It’s cathartic, and you can make a tidy little pile if you sell it all off. In addition to list you posted, anything that is faded, has pilling, is not repairable, is not flattering, has negative associations. If you really can’t decide, box it for 6 months. At the end of 6 months, anything you haven’t pulled out of the box because you’ve needed it – just sell or give away. (Exceptions here are some fancy clothes, which are usually only worn once a year or so)
Years of packing and unpacking my entire wardrobe have given me a scorched-earth policy on personal fashion.
If you can’t remember the last time you wore it; you’re only keeping it because of the memories of when you wore it, and it’s not a wedding outfit; it doesn’t match at least three other articles of clothing you own; it’s one of those cute trendy things like hi-low floral neon rompers; you bought it a size too small in hopes of fitting into it; you bought it a size too big and haven’t gotten around to tailoring it,; you can’t think of anything you would wear with it; you can only wear it ironically; you can only wear it with scuffed Doc Martens and torn fishnets; you bought it solely because you want to be the type of person who wears that article of clothing, or you don’t want to be the type of person who wears that article of clothing, it’s out.
Gather the stuff that’s in the best condition and take it to a resale shop! We have a few in my area (Crossroads, Buffalo Exchange, etc). They’re picky about what they buy, but maybe you can get yourself enough store credit to buy one new thing and satisfy your itch.
Have any of y’all gone sailing? Like, on a wee sailboat? Because apparently I am going sailing tomorrow and I’m a little skert about it. Duderino just got certified and wants to make use of his skills while they’re still fresh in his mind, I trust him to know what he’s doing and that he knows his limitations but I am still a little afraid of there being only a sailboat between me and the Bay and the girl-eating sharks that are surely lurking in the cold water. (I am well prepared with anti-nausea measures so I’m not worried about sea-sickness, so yay.) I’m excited, and looking forward to trying something new but, you know. Boats!
Quit with the sharks. Very unlikely.
That said, consider the worst that can happen: you go overboard. NBD. You float until your Skipper pulls you back onto the boat. Even without a flotation device, nbd. You can tread water for a couple of minutes.
And going overboard is unlikely, as well. So nbd. Breathe. Go. Have a good time.
Thank you for the reality check! I absolutely can tread water for a few minutes and I’ll be wearing a life vest any time I’m even near the damn thing so the odds of me drowning are very low. The thought of potentially being dunked in very cold water is a little daunting but it’s just water and I’d eventually dry!
Humans: wash warm or cold, then drip dry or towel dry
Wear extra moisturizer on your face!! That bay wind is cold as fuck and windburn is real. Have fun!
I will be moisturizing and sun-screening like my life depends on it.
Boats are fun! Worst that can happen is you fall in, and just think of it as a giant ice-bucket challenge? Just make sure you wear a life vest and you’re cool. There are millions of other boats in the Bay on weekends, too, so worst case scenario you just float on over to the next boat! It’ll be great!
Bring snacks! Cheez-its are excellent sailing food. Consider counter-acting any fear of falling overboard by jumping overboard (though save that til the end if it is chilly out or if you don’t have enough room in the wee sailboat to change into warm clothes after).
Salty snacks are an excellent idea, though I’ll probably skip the jumping overboard thing, since the average water temp in the San Francisco Bay is 60f this time of year.
We call that “brisk and invigorating.”
Or, often, “warm.”
Sailing is the best! Either you have a small enough boat that you can literally hang over the side to balance it in heavy air (so thrilling! and possibly the size of a “wee sailboat”?) or a large enough boat that you can picnic comfortably with an awesome view/comforting sloshing sound effects (which come standard with smaller boats as well!). I hope you have a lot of fun! Just make sure you keep your head lower than the sail, or at least not perfectly aligned with the bottom (so the heavy, aptly named BOOM doesn’t hit you if the sail switches sides unexpectedly) and if your duderino happens to forget everything about sailing (not likely), my favorite phrases are “tiller towards trouble” and “when in doubt, let it out” (it being the mainsheet). 😀 There, you are now adequately prepared to not hurt anyone/destroy property in a sailboat!
Hi all. Thank you for your kind words last week. I didn’t do the nature walk (the weather was crap) but I did see some friends. I’ve also been asking for help, which is basically anathema to me. I think what surprised me is how fast a loss (albeit a major one) set off a total mental health meltdown. Yikes. Anyways, I’m working on doing one really nice thing next week, before starting work again. Hopefully that will work.
Oh bartender, make it a strong one.
My boss of five months is nuts. During my interview process, “The Devil Wears Prada” was referenced frequently by various people who were interviewing me, and now five months later, that characterization has turned out to be correct, inasmuch as he demands ridiculous, impossible shit and when I move heaven and earth to deliver it, he responds by demanding ridiculouser, impossibler shit. He’s impossible to please and has a bad, bad temper. I like to think of myself as a tough cookie, but being yelled at immediately turns me into a weenie. So I cry a LOT, sometimes in the bathroom at work, sometimes on the bus home, sometimes on my couch. Literally everybody else at this small company is scared of him. Most people don’t stay in their jobs very long – I’d estimate that about 20% of the employees were actually hired after me – and the ones who do make it a year or two suffer stress-related health issues.
The thing is, he’s the CEO and he’s well-connected in the media world, and I am in my early twenties with not a whole lot of experience, and I’m afraid if I quit after such a short time then I’ll never find work like this again. And the president of this company, who I actually report to directly, is an incredible woman who’s given me amazing opportunities and responsibilities, and I don’t want to let her down.
But literally every day is nine hours of heart-pounding panic and it’s getting harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning.
I’m just going to say that your mental health is more important than ANY job.
I completely understand how difficult this choice is for you, but please take care of your mental health. There’s no point pushing it like this if you end up having a crash like I did.
You deserve better. You know that, right? Yes, you know that. Therefore, you are conducting a job search. Sending at least one resume each week, right? Please, be kind to yourself.
Well if he’s well-known in the media world, lots of people will know this is true about him, and it seems possible that you will get a knowing smile from a lot of people at that part of your resume.
But yeah, you can’t do this job any more, that’s not worth it.
Take care of yourself! As my great-grandma used to say, “If you don’t take care of yourself, no one else will.” Do whatever that means to you. Go to therapy, conduct your job search, go snuggle a kitten or puppy.
Speak with your supervisor. She may be able to give you a good reference when you leave. And when you do leave, be sure to keep in touch with her. A few years down the line (or even in a few months), she may be able to point you towards another job. Be sure to send her a handwritten thank you for the opportunities and responsibilities – these mean a lot to supervisors.
If you are considering leaving (which you should be, because you do not deserve to be abused at work), you might also consider the scary and risky but potentially very rewarding step of standing up to him. For some people, calling them on that behavior is the only way to get respect and better treatment, and can then make them your biggest advocates. Definitely could go either way, but again- it sounds bad enough that you don’t have too much to lose.
Best of luck to you!!!
I spent 2+ years working for A Difficult Boss (though, I think, not as mean as what you’ve described.)
It can be hard to see when you are in the situation, but generally if someone is Ridiculous and Difficult, the people around you know. And they will try to help you out when they can. And they will respect you and appreciate your work and remember you fondly for years to come. Trust. Many years later (same company, different boss), I still have people bringing up how impressed they were that I worked for Difficult Boss for so long.
The point of this story is, don’t be afraid to ask for a favor — an introduction to someone elsewhere in the industry, a reference, whatever. Most people will be more than happy to help out.
First! I wanted to say hi to all the Vancouver Toasties who I met last night, and thank Mallory for stopping by, it was so much fun! I was the one wearing the dress with the various animals wearing sunglasses on them.
Second! Just in case anyone missed Benedict Cumberbatch’s ice bucket challenge, let me lead you this way: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WksIn6SurBE
It’s been on repeat all morning.
I’ve had Hiddleston’s on repeat for several days now.
Amid the ongoing awful news from Ferguson, two things made me happy this week: 1) I had jury duty scheduled for yesterday, and they sent us all home at 3:00 in the afternoon and didn’t even make us come back for a second day, so now I don’t have to worry about rearranging my calendar for the next few weeks in the event of winding up on a jury; and 2) Doctor Who is coming back tomorrow night and I AM EXCITE. Any other Toasties looking forward to Peter Capaldi being the next Doctor?
I love Capaldi (especially in The Thick of It) so yeah I’m looking forward to this 🙂
Soooo excited for Capaldi! I do keep expecting him to burst into a string of unprintable expletives, though.
I’m picturing him saying “Fuckity bye” to some Daleks, and simultaneoulsy chortling to myself and being sad that we’ll never see that.
Let’s pour one out for Ask Polly, she got poached from The Awl. I’m glad that she’s moving on and up but it’s different and I don’t like things that are different. http://www.theawl.com/2014/08/polly-asks-the-cut-…
Hopefully some of you smart folks will see this– I decided to get back into online dating, and I realized that I have this weird imposter syndrome of sorts. Oftentimes, when I see a conventionally attractive guy, I decide not to message/swipe left him and tell myself that I just wouldn’t be his type. I otherwise have great self-confidence, and I know I shouldn’t care/should send a message and see what happens, and yet. Any tips or words of wisdom?
Outwit yourself. “I deserve this conventionally attractive guy. I’m gonna give him the chance to prove himself worthy of me. If he thinks I’m not his type, he fails to reach my standards.”
Just an anecdote — I have a crazy eastern european nose that I have accepted, but I know it’s not a popular feature. I put it front and center on my OK Cupid profile to deter those who were less accepting of wonky noses. I am now engaged to a dude from Ok Cupid who is objectively way hotter than I am. Now, I’m sure my winning personality had a lot to do with it, but I also found a little scrap of paper about a year ago in the bottom of his closet, with a story about the day we met. He wrote about how cute my nose was. So, don’t ever assume you know what hot dudes find cute, and hold your wonky parts out proudly.
You’re right, I shouldn’t assume. Thanks!
Adorable!
Oh goodness, let THEM filter YOU. Do not pre-filter yourself.
Imagine if a man is scrolling through and sees you and like “now there is a lady who revs my engine, but it is impossible that she will find me attractive because of my beard, so I will reject her before she rejects me.” See how ridiculous that is? What if you like beards? (Of course you do, beards are the best.)
Here’s another example: I am of the slightly fuller-bodied variety. My boyfriend is much more conventionally hot than I am. When we met on OKCupid, I was a bit thinner, so less worried about being judged for being fat. Well, what do you know, my boyfriend actually prefers larger ladies and I was on the thin side of his preferences when we met. If I had screened myself on the basis of being too fat (which seems like a possibility in my earlier years), I would have screened myself right out of my bearded hot boyfriend’s muscular arms, for no reason whatsoever.
Now I eat lots to “maintain my figure”, and everything is wonderful.
Ahhh you’re right! Thank you!
It’s a statistical fact that men are more likely than women to message attractive people, regardless of their own worthiness as sexual or romantic partners. This appalling state of affairs shall not stand! This is the year 2014; you are a liberated Toastie of indeterminate gender! Take back the right to be considered by strangers on the internet! Grasp his profile by the balls and demand your share of his time. At the very worst, you’ll have done a thing that you didn’t think you had the confidence to accomplish.
This man is all kinds of Toast-DISAPPROVED, but in this little video he says some stuff that has really helped me:
(skip first 3 minutes)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NoBnas-LcG4&l…
The Social Issues Research Centre has this to say: “If you are female, the odds are that you are more attractive than you think, so try flirting with some better-looking men.”
Now, objectively, I feel like this shouldn’t matter: go after anyone who interests and appeals to you without trying to reckon out our relative attractiveness as a measure of social value, because ew, that standard is gross. [Also, binary gender standard, quit it.] But practically speaking, that piece of advice encouraged me to greater confidence in flirting and dating and asking men out.
ohmagawd ohmagawd ohmagawd. Ok, I’ve had to wait ALL WEEK to post anything about this, as my general social media is prob being monitored right now by the parties in question. I have TWO, get it, TWO job interviews on Tuesday of next week.
Job A is for the same thing I’m doing now, at another company, and getting paid industry standards – a 150% increase from current salary. I’ve been vetted by their recruiter, and just have the in person interview left.
Job B is for the career that I want to be in, but I’m out of practice and a little worried about the technical interview (the 1st, lunch meal interview went wonderfully). It would prob pay about the same, maybe a little more, and is what I want to do in the long run.
What if I get neither? What if I get an offer from both? What if I completely freeze on the coding tests and f-up the one that I really, really want? NO. NO ANXIETY HERE.
You’re going to be OK. You are wonderful and everyone wants you. Anyone who declines to employ your wonderful self is too stupid to work for.
One day at a time. Tuesday is your focus for now. Only Tuesday. Prep for those two interviews. (And goddamn, that’s impressive!) Don’t even think beyond Tuesday until that day is over. Discipline your mind. You can do it.
Oh, thank you. I finally had to break down and ask the partner to take care of some of my work/responsibilities because it’s just too much to do right now. I haven’t coded anything in months, so the weekend will be spent doing tutorials and refreshers, probably 8+ hours each day. There’s no way I can help with all the other house/life stuff and study. Ironically, I’m not particularly stressed about the higher dollar job – I want the programming job more, even though it’s less, and will make immediate life more difficult.
Good luck! You’ll do great. Remember also that interviewing is supposed to go 2 ways — you’re also interviewing them to see if they are worthy of you. Don’t let them have all the power! Try to relax and just focus on doing the interviews and then move on from there. You won’t get an on-the-spot offer from either, so you don’t have to worry about which one you’d want to take just yet!
Excellent, excellent points. The parallel job HAS to be a good move, as well as lots more money, because I really want to get out of the field. The different career job HAS to at least meet current salary, and be flexible with comp packages. And the culture in both has to be the right fit. I’m taking a half day because one’s at 12:30p, and the other at 4p. Both will be completely different, so it’ll be a little weird.
I would offer calm words of wisdom, but in reality I know I would be freaking the fuck out, so.
I love this with all of my being. Somehow, it’s comforting.
If you get an offer from both, you’re in a position to negotiate! Woop!
Uh oh, I’m in a man mess. So my mister of about 9 months has been getting increasingly standoffish. Not in major ways, just thinks like not inviting me out with his friends or picking up his phone for social media-ing first thing in the morning on our sleep-in Saturdays (we don’t live together). So last week I told him that the ways in which he continues to enforce distance between us are starting to wear on me. And I admit to having a little bit of a fit about it. He says that he knows and he sees it and he doesn’t want to be that way but is afraid of something that he can’t identify. I told him that I have had enough of his “wanting” and I need to see that he’s really taking some ownership of our relationship. Then I apologized for my tantrum.
The next day he told me that he needs some space to figure out why it is that he feels stuck and that he can’t get all in on this. He says this is not “a break” just some time to calm the waters and come back ready to be the partner he wants to be. I believe that is something that you should always be able to ask for in a relationship and that should be honored and not punished. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t really scary. Mostly, I’m afraid of myself. I can be spiteful and right now, because I am feeling so vulnerable, I am only concentrating on the things about him that bug me. How do I remain open-hearted through this?
So, that’s that. Any advice? Comfort? Good words of caution?
I think you’re giving him too much credit here. In order 1) he was a jerk, 2) you called him out on it, and he admitted it 3) he asked for space for vague reasons. The fact that he is entitled to ask for space and is confused about the relationship doesn’t negate the fact that he was being a jerk, pushing you away, and gave you no real answers when you asked for them. There is nothing wrong with feeling resentful in that situation. Don’t worry so much about protecting his need for space and ask what he’s doing for you.
So I am totally reasonable to demand that upon return, he comes with something significant, right? None of the “let’s turn the page and move forward” nonsense allowed.
I think you’re being more than reasonable.
He better come back with some damn good understanding of what he’s put you through and a genuine apology(ies) and the willingness to work on being better and then also the EVIDENCE of being better. Being better meaning, doing the work that goes into a relationship, and taking into account someone else’s feelings (which you are doing an A++ job of, for the record), and treating the other person (you) well because you (he) want(s) to because you (he) care(s). I think the fact that you’re reaching out about remaining open-hearted speaks a lot to what a wonderful and caring partner you are. But it seems to me he’s not giving you what you want, or need, and it may be he’s not able to, and maybe he doesn’t deserve your open heart because he can’t take care of it.
I hate on dudes in relationships really quickly when they fuck up (misandry!). Take care of yourself, spoil yourself mercilessly, you more than deserve it.
he feels stuck and that he can’t get all in on this. He says this is not “a break” just some time to calm the waters and come back ready to be the partner he wants to be.
Yeah, that was my feeling too. But I don’t want to later look back and feel like I should have been more generous. But no matter what he comes back with – there’s a lot of damage done here.
Yesterday I took a sick day and watched 10 hours of Simpsons.
I think that was an entirely appropriate response. A+ adulting decision.
Oh that sounds really hard! I’m sorry. And while asking for space is fair and right, the whole thing sounds like he’s being a douchenozzle a bit. Hopefully its temporary.
My advice is to distract yourself, really really hard right now. Rally your friends. Get some intense exercise. Do some fun things. Clean your house super hard. Take very very good care of yourself, as much as possible. Buy yourself some flowers! Try not to talk about it too much with the aforesaid friends. If I were you, I would be spiralling pretty hard into a melt-down right now, because I HATE feeling vulnerable, and when I am melting down, I am obviously not my best self (just my beset self), and then I make rash decisions and say terrible things. Hard-core distraction and self-care helps pull up and out of the spiral and keep yourself even keeled so you can deal with this situation in a productive way.
It also serves to remind yourself that you are whole in and of yourself, which is a very good place to be starting from when having difficult relationship conversations or situations. If you can remind yourself that you don’t NEED him, then it is easier to engage with whether you WANT him in a loving and open-hearted way.
I agree with christoncracker, he’s being a jerk. It sounds like he’s trying to break up with you without actually breaking up with you. My advice would be: a) during this “space that’s not a break,” cut off contact. None of that BS “I need space but I still want you around to do things for me and maybe have sex with me.” If he wants space, then tell him to go off on his own and have the space without dragging you around in it. then b), if he doesn’t come back with a strong case for why he’s a good partner for you, then show him to the door. If he can’t get his shit together, it shouldn’t be your problem. You deserve a partner who will treat you with respect and communicate about his issues and feelings.
Yeah, this space is “let’s not talk for a week.” Which is just about the right amount of time for me to decide that he can go fuck himself.
I just want to say I think you’ve acted very reasonably and generously here, which you should feel good about even if he goes on to shit all over himself (metaphorically). (And if he does do so, you know that you gave him every reasonable accomodation and therefore he’s choosing to be garbage.)
Thank you, that helps to hear. No matter what happens, I still really relish being the bigger person. Mostly for selfish reasons, knowing that there’s always the possibility that he will one day realize it and regret his terrible choice forever.
That is perfectly reasonable.
I’m also a high-road type because of all the justifiably cutting dialogue it provides for your revenge fantasies, but more practically speaking, it removes most of the what-ifs about your own behavior.
CRAFT TALK. Do any of you have favorite ideas for DIY decorations? My wedding budget is shot and all the decor (ceremony and reception) is going to have to be by mine own hand.
Lighting is an issue too.
Rolls of white tulle are cheap at the fabric store. And tulle is super easy to attach stuff to. Good luck.
Where is your wedding? Indoors, outdoors?
I made some of those pointy triangle banner things for a shower recently, and they were dead simple and cheap cheap cheap. And looked super cheerful and adorable! I used the paper cutter and hole-borer at work, and then strung them on hemp twine and cut out letters and hearts to spell messages at home in front of the TV. They’re maybe a bit overdone for weddings, though? Maybe not!
I do love the pointy triangle banner things, but I was also worried they were overdone for weddings? I don’t know that I care though. The wedding is both indoor and outdoor.
these guys: http://www.marthastewart.com/265163/pom-poms-and-… are really easy to make and I think a few big ones are really effective at making a space look *fancy*
you just sent me down a martha stewart rabbit hole and I am delighted.
I love making those. I have basically made them for every single bday party/baby shower/crafty wedding I have been involved in. The best thing ever is to make them in a bunch of similar colours and sizes, so fancy!
Okay, this is weirdly specific, but Rachel….Wilkerson-Miller? I think her last name is…was an intern at A Practical Wedding and I loved everything about her decorations. She had these gold pinata things and honeycomb balls and just this really simple but tasteful scheme. I can’t find any good pics but here’s her APW page and her blog.
Okay I’m sorry, I realized you were talking about DIY, but unless you have a big craft hoard (I do not), you’d have to spend money anyway, right?
Anyway I hope this is semi helpful, my apologies if it was not at all what you were looking for.
No, this is exactly the kind of stuff I’m looking for! I don’t necessarily mean literally making the decoration, just selecting it and being able to afford it, and all that. so this is great!!
I think wholesale is probably your best bet then. Good luck!!
Sorry to pipe up late, but I thought you might like these?
I ran across the idea for these paper lanterns a few months ago, and made a whole bunch to use as table decorations for a big family party. They look amazing and are really easy. (Plus, going to town on them with the hole punch is kind of soothing.) There is a template provided and everything: http://www.willowday.com/2012/08/paper-lanterns-w…
Hello open thread!
Week 2 of kindergarten has been pretty much a success for our daughter, and this afternoon we have our first new-friend playdate as we are taking both kids to the local kid’s science museum to meet another almost-5-yr-old and her mom. Signs point to fun, so my fingers are crossed there will not be sudden tantrums.
The toddler is enjoying his new Montessori and I am loving the vibe there, very calm and quiet and loving, and he has suddenly learned how to eat like a small human! This is AWESOME as I no longer have to stand over him at mealtimes to keep him from committing art with the food. Also he has gotten a lot of new words and his pretend play is really taking off, today he was making a stuffed dog climb up things, bark, and then slide down saying ‘Whee’. AND he played by himself for like an hour. It is all great.
Next week hopefully we start the new normal schedule, 3 days a week with both of them in school, so 18 HOURS of free time every week. And then we can see about this whole writing thing!
“committing art with the food” I love that. Even if there are sudden tantrums, you and your daughter will enjoy the museum outing. Your parenting skills are excellent and your tiny humans are wonderful.
Just sat through a 3-hour state agency monthly meeting and I am DONE with democracy. Let’s move to China.
Toasties! I am curious, what do you all do over your lunch break? Do you go out for lunch? Eat a packed lunch in the lunch room? Do crosswords? Go home?
I have a bad habit of eating at my desk while inefficiently working/browsing Facebook, but for the last few weeks I have tried to go outside and read while the weather is still warm. Unfortunately the only available places are a bench along a heavily-used walking path and the road where I have to deal with nosy people or staring drivers, and a bench in a cemetery. The dead are very quiet and don’t interrupt my reading, so I have been opting for the cemetery.
I think the cemetery is a great idea.
I had to make a rule for myself a few years ago: I Must Leave the Building at Lunch.
I also aim for a little sunlight on my retinas if the weather is cooperative. I have no windows at work and I struggle with depression. Sunlight is important.
And it’s not a bad idea to invite a friend or coworker to lunch once a month or so.
In an effort to save money, nine times out of ten I pack my lunch and eat in the lunch room. I love leftovers (so good!) but I hate making small talk/being interrogated by my coworkers, so I love it when everyone else is gone for lunch and it’s just me in glorious solitude with my book and leftovers.
The tenth time I go out to lunch with my book and revel in every last moment of it.
I am also having a dilemma about this. I have been working out assorted issues with feeling like I’m not dedicated enough to my job (I work at a nonprofit where lots of people work long hours, and I don’t feel the need or have the desire to do that, but I end up feeling like everyone else is busy and dedicated and I am not). As part of this, my therapist is basically insisting that I stop eating at my desk and take an actual lunch break, but it’s hard for a couple of reasons. First, my office is very busy and crowded during the summer, so there is no lunch room, just some back tables that are sometimes free but often full of youth and assorted people. Often during the winter months people go upstairs and set up a table and all eat together, which I love but always feel too shy/awkward to initiate it myself, and all summer nobody has ever done it because everyone’s so busy. Leaving the office isn’t really an option because there’s not a lot of public spaces in this neighborhood and nowhere really that I want to eat out. So when other people aren’t taking breaks for lunch, I feel awkward going to the roof by myself, which is the only space that’s every unoccupied. . .and I also feel this weird tension going by myself without inviting people, but if I do invite people I have to wait around for them to be free or whatever, and. . .uuuugh sorry, this is rambly. Basically I don’t know how to take lunch when other people aren’t taking lunch, and the few times I’ve done it I just felt awkward and stressed that everyone was judging me and it was less pleasant than just eating at my desk. But yknow, the fact that I’m this stressed about this suggests to me that my therapist has a point.
If you’re working at a nonprofit in the US, you are sufficiently dedicated just by keeping that job and not working for better pay elsewhere. Please account for the subsidizing you do for the cause just by accepting low wages, or lower than you would get for the same work in the for-profit sector. No idea if this applies outside my country.
Ha, this is a good point. I did have a moment recently where I was like “OMG I spend all this time feeling pressured to work more hours because everyone else here does but for christ’s sake I AM NOT INTERESTED IN WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR $40,000 A YEAR”. I think sometimes these attitudes are even worse in the nonprofit sector because it’s like “we’re doing this because we CARE not because it’s a job! And if we don’t work our asses off we’ll fail to save the world!” Sigh. Working on it. Thanks for the reinforcement 🙂
Depending on how my work day is going, I usually either cram a sandwich in my face while driving 75 mph down a back road to the next appointment on my list or graze while haphazardly filing. I am trying to make the effort at least once a week to go take a leisurely lunch in the park by my office, or go to my favorite deli and stay the duration of my break. The days I do are so much nicer.
I am continuing to taper off Seroquel, the anti-psychotic I take for sleeping and rapid-cycling bipolar disorder.
Withdrawal symptoms this week: itching. Going from freezing to sweating. And, manias to depression … . Manias are for the morning: I take a vigorous walk, comment wildly on 4 separate websites and make *plans.* In the afternoon, depression sets in, and I can’t walk 20 feet to the bathroom: must stop food and water intake. Also, pictures of cats make me cry, yet I do not think I should stop looking at them.
For tomorrow morning’s mania, I will be cleaning my 750 square feet of tiled floor on my hands and knees. Because, as if I need a reason. I’m in a depression right now, and I’m crying in advance at the happiness I will feel at the sight of my spotless, gleaming floors. Surely, that is the reason why I’m crying.
That sounds terrible. I wish I could help. ::hugs::
That is a garbage situation and I THINK YOU ARE DOING FLIPPIN’ GREAT UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES.
I am sending you lots of hugs for any moments you feel you need one.
Advice please?
I’m in a phd program and just past the point where I can now leave with a master’s degree. I’d need about 4 more years to finish my doctorate.
I don’t dislike my position now – lots of schedule/intellectual, and I am getting a stipend that lets me break even every month, more or less. My project is interesting and going well, and my co-workers and boss are great.
But about a month ago I was getting a little restless and applied to a job on a whim. The job is exactly the type I planning to get after finishing my PhD. And now I have an offer. Pay = 2.5x my stipend, fun, challenging work, truly, exactly what I would have hoped for.
So – do I take this great job now, and spend the rest of my twenties with the flexibility and disposable income to take weekend trips and buy organic vegetables? Will I spend my life regretting not being able to put ‘Dr.’ in front of my name? thoughts?
I would aggressively and immediately accept that job. There will always, always be the opportunity to finish a PhD in the future.
Take the job!!! A PhD is only a means to get where you want to be and do what you want to do; when people pursue it as an end in itself, that’s when bad things happen. It sounds like you can get where you want to be right now without the PhD, so… go! And live the life you want!
“When people pursue it as an end in itself, that’s when bad things happen.”
That makes sense to me. If I stay, it would be because I want to be able to know that I finished this hard thing. But when I say that out loud it’s clearly a not a good reason.
Take it take it take it. PhD is only good for getting you a job – you have a job, you don’t need the phd, and you can go back and get it later if you feel you need to. I have a PhD and the Dr thing literally never comes up because I don’t use the title for anything, ever.
Take the job! You can always go back to finish later, if you want. Great jobs don’t come around that often.
Everyone I know who’s getting a PhD is pursuing it in order to get any job, and here you are with a master’s and awesome prospects. You’re winning grad school. Take the dream job and live your best life. If you want it, the doctorate will be waiting.
Thank you thank you!
You’re all making me feel a lot better about leaving. The nature of my program means I’d have to start all over if I wanted to go back, so I’ll almost definitely not do that. But you’re totally right. Advanced degrees are for getting jobs, and my master’s degree is accomplishes that.
I’m gonna tell my advisor on Monday…wheee! Now I’m going to have a drink.
Take the master’s and RUN.
Signed,
Someone who wishes she had the chutzpah to leave years ago
Yeah, just take the job. Especially if you are 4 years out from a doctorate. Only ever get a graduate degree if not having it is the thing holding you back from what you want to do. Congrats!
TAKE IT and HURRAH FOR YOU. That is an admirable option to have, and you could succeed either way, but if the job is there and it’s right for you, take it while you have it.
the shop i work at got broken into last night and i feel irrationally upset.
Nah man, that’s jarring and scary. Let yourself feel what you feel about it.
Yesterday evening, I was traveling for work. There was A Man next to me on the plane who was overly familiar and conversational with me. And he was overcaffeinated and jiggly. Anyway, I was exercising extreme vigilance with the armrest, just like Mallory taught us, and decided that I would treat myself to a tiny bottle of plane wine when the attendant came around. Mr. Man decided to order a beer for himself and a beer for his friend sitting further back in the plane. The attendant, holding his credit card up to her little card-reader device, queried, “all together?” “Oh no, we’re not together,” I said, proffering her my card. But she insists, “when A Man offers to buy you a drink, you take it!” I took her advice and said thanks. Mr. Man says nothing this whole time besides shrugging, and a “see ya later” when we deboard (nope!). So, Toasties, which one of you has gone undercover on the airlines?
Oh man y’all I am really frustrated with the micromanaging at my job. The C-Levels have been on this “dress code” kick all summer long, where we are not allowed to wear open-back OR open-toed shoes – which is, of course, my entire shoe wardrobe. This has been enforced to the point where our (male) company president (we have about 60 people total) makes sure to do a FULL head-to-toe body sweep of every woman he passes. He called my coworker today to ask that she change out of her sandals. She politely explained that she can’t, because she has an ankle brace on because she sprained her ankle. He said he supposed a medical reason was acceptable, but could she please find an alternative for next week? (Unspoken answer: NO.) This is the man who does not wash his hands after using the bathroom, which I know because I have the worst seat in the office, right next to the bathrooms. The CFO is just as annoying about the rules but not creepy. The CEO is mood-swingy and you can never tell if he will ream you out or shrug at you about it.
I’m frustrated with so many aspects of my job, but overall I’m still being challenged so I am trying to work past my frustrations, but are you effing kidding me? I don’t want a 60-year-old man’s vision scraping all over me every morning just because of an arbitrary opinion that peep-toed heels are unprofessional. I want to bash my head into my cubicle wall every time he passes my desk. Auuugggghhhhhhhh.
What. The fuck. Is the point of all that. Is it REALLY the best use of this undoubtedly very well-paid man to, every morning, do a dress code check on the ADULTS that he has working for them?
Oh my god.
Well, that managed to make my skin crawl over the internet. I can’t even imagine what it’s like to actually go through it every day.
That is super fucked up. Shoe rules in certain kinds of workplaces where it’s an actual safety issue, I can mostly get behind dress codes. But in regular offices, hell no!
Does he only inspect the women? If so, I would start to RAGE. Talk to HR, or a lawyer.
Yes, time to make a formal visit to HR. “I don’t want a man’s vision scraping me head to toe every morning.” Encourage other women to make formal statements to HR. It is close enough to harassment that HR may advise the execs to cool it in fear of lawsuits.
I’ve noticed a number of commenters on here are in situations where they are either unemployed, or are working their asses off for companies that treat them like shit and pay little. I was in that situation myself for years until recently. My wife and I would both work multiple jobs, rarely get to see each other (because we’d time our schedules to take care of our kids), and still find ourselves living paycheque-to-paycheque. It was awful.
All that changed when I got a job in Mining. I took a course to learn to drive a Haul Truck (huge dump truck), but many companies will hire even without that. I have to tell you Toasties, in the six months since I started, it has been overwhelmingly positive. I’m making four times what I was before, which means all our debt is paid off, we’ve been saving like mad, and we just bought a new car. The worst part is I’m away from my family for 7 days at a time, but I’m also back home for 7 days at a time. A supportive partner/solid childcare options are key. I wish I would have done this years ago.
The reason I wanted to bring it up on this site, is that any good mining or contracting company is actively looking to hire more women. For sure there are more men than women working at most mines, but there are people who are trying to change that. I work for a contractor, and they’re not as proactive as they could be, but we just got a 24 year old woman on our crew who is a Hoe operator (a position many take years to get to) and she’s looking to buy a house on her days off. At 24 years old. I know the company that owns the mine has all-women crews, and frequently will have hiring sprees where most or all of the green operators will be women.
Anyway, I thought I’d share this with you all. There are some pretty good career opportunities in Mining for anybody, but it seems like now is good time to be a Woman getting into it. For most, driving a Haul Truck is a stepping stone to another trade/piece of equipment, and there’s no tuition. With a $70,000/year starting wage, it seems like a good option for a lot of people.
That is for sure true, but, as a woman who works in mining camps (and as a contractor I’ve been to a lot of them), they are often not the most comfortable places to be a woman, and the camp lifestyle can be hard for anyone. That being said, yeah, camp jobs seem often overlooked by people and I don’t know why, since they’re a pretty great place to make shitloads of money with little to no experience or education provided you’re willing to work hard and put up with some bullshit.
In retrospect, I think this comment seems unnecessarily ominous. I would like to state that in the 4 years I’ve been spending time in camps, I can probably count the times I’ve felt unsafe on one hand, which is sadly better than my non-camp life. I really do mean comfort: as a woman it’s a lot of “little lady” type comments, constantly having men want to talk/flirt with you when you’re trying to get your job done, and the knowledge that everywhere you go bunches of men are staring at you. I don’t like to be the center of attention and so even though it is friendly/curious, I found knowing that I was always being watched to be unnerving. However, you meet a lot of really great people and some of the most amazing, beautiful things and sites I’ve ever seen have come from camp work.
I have a harrowing tale, my friends. Three weeks ago I moved out of Vancouver (did you hear my heart-rending wails in the distance when Mallory went there this week) to Ontario, and I moved into a cute apartment that was in a heritage house, and on the first night, my patient friend very politely advised me, “not to alarm me,” that there may be mice in the unit. It quickly became apparent that there were RATS, PLURAL, in the unit, and they ate a large portion of what I owned every night over six days despite the landlord’s surprisingly vigilant efforts to take care of the problem, and on more than one night I was driven out of the unit by their activities at 3am to frequent the only 24 hour establishment in the area — a McDonalds — which was surely confused by this small hoodie-wearning gnome haggardly ordering large quantities of coffee each morning.
These creatures ate soap and were not of this world. They would sharpen their teeth on cupboards, likely in anticipation of my inevitable demise at their hands, at such a large volume that I, among those who would sleep through the apocalypse, woke up and spend the subsequent 20 minutes chasing them around with a golf club until they disappeared into god knows what crevice and resumed their nattering inside the walls.
“This has never happened before,” the landlord lied one day. “They probably came in with you,” the landlord lied another. “There’s probably only one,” he lied lyingly. “I don’t know what else to do,” he said in defeat at last. At this point I asked for a refund of my rent and found a new apartment.
Additionally, the stove wouldn’t work, and the landlord and his daughter the building manager quickly revealed themselves to be overt racists and at least microaggressively homophobic. Basically the entire ordeal was a nightmare, and now I have found a new apartment in a high-rise that is smaller but cheaper and also *apparently* rat-free, but have still left my belongings in the Rat Palace while I stay with my friend in Montreal until Sept 1. I am afraid of the sheer degree of destruction I am going to return to in the Rat Palace in 9 days. I am afraid that this time I might actually, unwittingly, bring them with me in a box they have colonized.
On the night before I left, four glassy-eyed racoons began pawing aggressively at the roof, as though somehow knowing this home belonged to the creatures now. “I AM THE RODENT QUEEN,” I wailed to my mother on the phone. “IF YOU DON’T HEAR FROM ME AGAIN I HAVE SURELY BEEN CARRIED AWAY TO RULE OVER MY SUBJECTS IN THE SEWERS.”
I have learned my lesson and will now check every. damn. nook and cranny. in every house I ever have. ever again.
At least where I live, landlords are required to present a home that is liveable – that means no mice, rats, even mold. Did you get renter’s insurance? That would probably cover any/all rat damage.
Fortunately I don’t own anything that valuable; I’m low-income enough that the cost of insurance outweighs the cost to replace. Still, I intend to unpack only in the company of a bottle of wine for the pile of “throwaway” that I’ll inevitably keep adding to throughout the process.
Cats. Cats are wonderful. I recommend having at least one cat as future prevention of any and all rodent invasions.
This is the plan. I may never feel safe not living with one again. [whispers] they might come for me
Depends on the cat, I’m afraid. Don’t want to think about how I know this.
Holy crap.
Okay, that was a legitimately harrowing tale and I’m sorry it happened to you, but I laughed out loud several times at the way you told it, so know at least that your misery has brought merriment to the heart of a stranger.
Small dogs bred as ratters. The best part: no skill required of dogs; rodents avoid dog scent. The hardest part: dogs are an expense; they require time and money and a lifetime commitment. But they love you unconditionally.
No worries about rats travelling with your stuff. I have moved a lot. I have discovered rats while vacating. These rats never stowed away to the new home. They’re too big to hide in a box and too smart to think it a good idea when the box is in motion.
I know people who keep a cabin in the woods and visit it only on summer weekends. Any supplies that remain in the cabin are stored in metal boxes or wire mesh containers. Rodents do not like the metal on their teeth. Mesh does let in insects and arachnids, though, so those containers are for inorganics: cleaning supplies, kitchenware, and tools.
I am sorry for your troubles. But delighted at the way you write about them. Good luck.
Does anyone want to talk about Outlander? I watched the first 2 eps of the show, so this week I read the first book. I liked it, generally? There was That Scene in the middle that I definitely didn’t like. And shit got BANANAS at the end. But I was engaged enough to finish it all in like 3 days, so that was kinda fun? Anyway I knew it was a series but I only just realized there are 8 BOOKS?? Should I read the rest of them? Also how hot is the Jamie guy in the show? Answer: SUPER hot.
I will talk about Outlander! I also just read the first book, and it is definitely pretty bananas, but mostly in the page-turning way. (Except That Scene. And I was almost more weirded out by the follow-up of pages of descriptions of Jamie’s Ye Olde Childhoode Beatings, because what were we supposed to be taking from that??)
I am liking the show, and I think it’s actually fixing some of the pacing issues of the book, so I feel optimistic. A friend who is a huuuuge Outlander fan lent me the rest of the books and says they don’t have the “magic” of the first, but that at least the next 3 or 4 are worth the read, so we’ll see. Also: Yeah, PRETTY hot.
I have not read the books, and I’m not sure I’m going to, but I am loving the show! The clothes are so wonderful, and Jamie is so hot! I have been giggling at the men’s comments on AV Club about how Jamie is so unrealistically perfect as hot and nice and into the main character immediately but doesn’t yet have much personality besides “perfect”. How many shows/movies have I sat through where right off the bat there’s a hot, nice woman who is immediately into the main male character? Where I get excited when she shows more personality besides “nice and mildly sassy” within the first season? They can suck it up for one show.
Hey, any of you crafty Toastfolk who do jewelry work, do you do custom stuff? I want a three-strand word bracelet and there’s no way I can do it myself without it falling apart the first time I wear it.
Etsy! Search for custom jewelry. I was very happy with the custom work I’ve ordered. It’s been years, so I cannot give specific recommendations.
I just sent my adviser the introduction to my third chapter, and it’s really speculative and not that grounded and it has been making me so miserable all week (like: refusing to get out of bed in the morning miserable and contemplating dropping out of graduate school miserable). But now I guess it’s out of my hands, and the worst that happens is she says, “NOPE. Try again.”
It’s going to be OK. Get outside this weekend, please. Take a walk. Call someone you enjoy talking with. Let me know how you feel next week, if you care to.
Toasties, can I request some support/sympathy? I re-played Depression Quest today and it reflected my life so totally and completely that I’ve had to admit that I am beyond “getting depressed” and well into “full-blown depression” in a way I haven’t been in years. I know part of it is situational – I’ve had the summer from hell – but I’ve been self-sabotaging in increasingly elaborate ways for the past couple of weeks. I’m functional at work* but I go home and just fall apart. I’m on medication but it’s clearly not pulling its weight in this relationship right now.
So I sent an e-mail to the first sliding-scale clinic I could find. I’m scared shitless because I make okay money but cost of living around here is insane, plus my roommate and I are splitting up and I’m in the process of hunting for my very first all-on-my-own apartment and I just don’t feel like I can afford anything right now. But I cannot keep doing this, and my only other alternative is going to my doctor and playing medication roulette, and I don’t know if I can handle that either.
* I hate that “can you get up and go to work” is a diagnostic question, because my fear of anyone knowing there is something wrong with me is much stronger than the urge to stay in bed, to a degree that I think is maybe unusual. But because for the most part I get along fine at work I’m “functional” and therefore I must be reasonably okay. I mean, I had to get up and go cry in the bathroom in order to finish writing this comment, but I’m making it through a day at work, I must be okay, right?
I am here with sympathy and support! It’s a really big step to recognize what’s going on and begin working on it, so give yourself some credit and know that you are doing the right thing. If it’s a good clinic, they’ll work with you to figure out what you can pay — they do it all the time! And if it won’t work with that place, try another.
I’m really proud of you for emailing, it’s a big and scary thing. Take care of yourself and do what you need to do. We’re all here for you.
Thank you. As expected, I haven’t heard back from them yet, but I’ve been doing everything I can to put myself back together in the meantime.
I suffer from what I’m going to call “stuff” that includes episodes of pretty serious depression. I usually hate it when people give stupidly basic advice and ask if you’ve tried it, as if every possible solution had not already been tested. But there are times when shit gets real bad and I forget the basics and it helps to be reminded, so here goes: when I’ve got a general cloud of depression around me with no particular source, it helps to pick it apart and see what might be exacerbating it. It’s a small relief knowing that it doesn’t all come from inside of me. Moving is always hard, even for people without depression, and it is adding a lot of stress to an already shitty feeling. But is a tangible cause of your stress and eventually, it will be over.
Thank you for that reminder; it helped me yesterday to remember that one of the things that stresses me out is My Space being A Disaster. Usually I fix this with an anxiety-fueled cleaning spree, but it’s a lot harder when all of the stuff is in boxes and there’s nowhere to put the boxes. I tidied the box-piles, though, and I slept much better last night.
(ugh “stuff” is the worst I wish you well)
No, “functional” does not mean reasonably OK. I have battled clinical depression all my long life. I have been *this* close to suicide for years on end.
Never once did I fail to do a helluva job for my employers. I even started and ran an inner city small business. Closed it in the black during a recession. And it nearly killed me. But I did it. All while deeply depressed. My doc said this is a common scenario, work being the only success in a depressed person’s life. It’s often the last function to succumb.
Does that help? Not sure. Just wanted to offer anecdotal support.
Your health is more important than anything else. You need health to earn money. So go into debt, if necessary, to get help.
Respond to any of my posts anytime and I promise to get back to you quickly. Just type “eeep!” and I’ll try to type something helpful or supportive.
Thank you, your anecdata does help. Work is also going through a major upheaval right now and I’ve been overcompensating by working my ass off there while I feel like I’m making no progress at all on my disaster of a personal life.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, and I hope that you too are doing well and I appreciate your support so much.
I’ll get to the point: Is there any reason I can’t put lidocaine on my vulva (vulva, not vagina)?
My derm gave me some to put on my face before a procedure. I want to use it to numb my skin before a bikini wax. Is this genius, or am I going to find out the hard way that it’s a terrible idea?
You can do that. My derm gave me a scrip when I got lasered and I slathered it like cake frosting.
(It did feel weird driving home, though, bc it was like I did not have a vulva and was floating above my car seat.)
If anything, this makes me want to try it more.
Thanks for the info!
Oh Toasties. I need some advice. Trigger warning – domestic violence issues
Today I met up with my best friend, who met her current girlfriend about six months ago. They fell madly in love and moved in together a few weeks ago. Since meeting her GF, my friend has obviously been wrapped up in her, and that was hard for me to deal with at the beginning but then I sort of just dealt with it and accepted it. I made sure to schedule one on one time with her so we could keep up to speed.
Today she showed up with a black eye and tears running down her face. She said it was her fault, that she had started everything after she got drunk at her girlfriend’s birthday party. I talked to her a little bit and we got her some ice and then she rushed home to get the ice to her girlfriend, who she said was ‘in way worse shape than me’.
Toasties, I am worried sick. I am worried for my friend who by her own admittance is ‘in too deep’ and whose life is now so deeply enmeshed with this intense relationship. I am worried that more bad things will happen. Most of all, I feel powerless. How can I help my friend? She is proud, and does not reach out easily. I offered her my house (obvs) and told her to call whenever, and I’m going to check in periodically. My gut instinct is to tell her this relationship is going NOWHERE GOOD and to get out, but I think it would fall on deaf ears for now. I want to be as supportive as possible, I don’t want to crowd her. I think they both need extra support, to talk to someone.
Does anyone have any experience dealing with something like this? It’s horrible and scary and sad. Any advice you can give me would be so good. Thank you so much.
Breathe, breathe, breathe. It is horrible and scary and sad, and you can be there and support, but you cannot fix it, of course.
Schedule some time with her and tell her the truth, but kindly. Say that you were worried for her safety, and that you care so much about her and that you want to support her but don’t know how, and then listen to her, just listen, to whatever it is she has to say about it, leave her a lot of space.
We have been the people who have been hit, and we have been the people who hit. Neither of those is happening any more, but when they were, the rare times we found people who could listen to it without leaping in to shape the narrative was pretty huge. I am not sure I am saying this very well; of course you are worried and it is really hard, but right now you do not know exactly what is going on and what kind of help your friend can actually accept or even what kind of help she really needs. So just go, and say what you need to say, try to make it really about you and not a judgement about her relationship or whatever, and then listen, listen, listen.
Good luck, good wishes for you and her and her girlfriend.
Thank you so much for this, Bryn (Plus Others). I am sorry to hear that you had to face similar difficult situations yourself in the past, and glad they are no longer happening.
Your whole comment is so warm and helpful, and I think you’re right – what I can offer her is a safe space, just to listen, and then find a way to voice the concerns that are entirely my own and not a judgement of her or the relationship. “the rare times we found people who could listen to it without leaping in to shape the narrative was pretty huge” – this really spoke to me in particular. It’s not up to me to impose the way things are… No fixing to be done from the outside, and that’s actually probably for the best. Thanks again. Have a good Saturday 🙂 I’m really feeling the love and support in this Toastie community <3
“You may be at fault for something, but nothing you can do deserves a black eye.”
“Unless you were holding a gun or a knife *and* blocking the exit, violence is never deserved.”
You can only speak these truths when she gives you an opening. Be prepared for the next opportunity. And I’m sorry for your friend. You are a good person to check in with her.
Can you take a break? Because it honestly does not sound like you like her very much, or trust her very much, and if (this is an if, I am not saying it is true, it is just this vague feeling I get from reading your post way too late at night) all your interactions with her an exam that she needs to pass to prove that she really cares/likes you/is trustworthy/etc then it is going to feel really awful for you.
Yes.
Being able to do anything that you set your mind to is a wonderful skill, so set your mind to knowing that you are allowed to not always be doing 150%? Because it is there when you need it, and you know it, and now you can step back and maybe start to see how life is when you are spending a little more time resting.