Happy Friday, Toasties. Rejoice while you can. Raw shrimp and gold leaf. These are the portents of our decline. Now tell me your all!
Tags: cocktail hour, open thread, the bartender
Happy Friday, Toasties. Rejoice while you can. Raw shrimp and gold leaf. These are the portents of our decline. Now tell me your all!
Tags: cocktail hour, open thread, the bartender
I thought that was a molar. Yikes.
I didn’t, but now I do…
SAME
Still preferable by far to that horrifying photo of the massive wasps’ nest which I have still not managed to get out of my head, THANKS A LOT NICOLE
Weeell, I’m getting 4 wisdom teeth ripped out next week, so this comment totally helps.
I just got my wisdos out last month! Don’t be like me and ask the dentists up front if you can keep them and get a “yes,” then humor the dentists afterward when they decide you don’t need them after all. You can keep those teeth!! DEMAND THEM!!!
More practical advice: keep a nice variety of those fancy soup cartons in your fridge, because if you limit your options you will get sick of them. I could never eat instant mashed potatoes again in my life and it would be too soon.
Oh, I certainly will! I thought of writing “DON’T THROW AWAY MY TEETH” in pen on my neck to remind them: do you think it’s too much?
And I’ll probably buy some baby food in chicken, duck, sweet potato etc. flavors, that should do it.
IF I HAD THOUGHT OF WRITING MESSAGES AHEAD OF TIME, I would have been covered in sassy Sharpie.
I didn’t think of baby food! I basically just thought of mashed potatoes, ice cream, and pureed soup, and the carton of butternut squash soup I got was super nasty, so it was just the first two. And then I went to the local hip gluten-free juice bar to get a smoothie and provide myself some variety/nutritional value, and got my swollen, nasty face majorly side-eyed by the gorgeous and hella buff Fitness Boys behind the counter. Don’t make my mistakes!!! (You can probably tell I’m still a little traumatized from the full ordeal, but I get the impression that my wisdom teeth experience was waaaaaaaay worse than most. I’m sure you’ll be fine!)
unless they crack your teeth into pieces to extract them? That’s what happened to mineโฆ
but I was out cold the whole time so it’s not like I noticed. It is all over very soon!
They’ll probably have to do that: my lower ones are perfectly horizontal, and hidden in my gums.
I kept my molars after having them removed, but a few months later I lost them ๐
I got my wisdom teeth out in Feb, and it was fine! Also, I didn’t ask for my teeth, but got them anyway, and now I have these gory humungo teeth that I feel like I can’t throw away and they are in our first aid box and they startle me every time I open it.
Don’t be like me and turn into a baby when there’s too much blood coming out of your mouth. Bleeding is normal; it’s not going to kill you.
This, but caveat, there is SO MUCH BLOOD.
I was so lucky that I happened to be living near my mom when I had my teeth out, because in spite of my Adult Independence, I fucking Lost It and needed her to take care of me. Moms are great.
If you’re getting IV sedation, you’re going to have to pee like Whoa. Also, also, the sedation means that your post-op conversation will consist entirely of “Did I get to keep my teeth?”
They weren’t going to let me, but I was so annoying they put them in my hand so they could say “Look at your hand.”
Good tips, thanks! Were you aware of what you were saying under sedation? Otherwise, I’m curious what language is going to come out of my mouth.
I wasn’t aware for like… half an hour of the sedation? The teeth removing bit? And while I was coming out of the sedation, I was aware of what I was saying when I said it, and it mostly ended up in my long term memory, but at the time there was no continuity of moment to moment.
I got my teeth removed on the same day my very emotionally reserved brother did. (I made an appointment, and then my mom found out and decided to get all her fretting in a waiting room over in a single day. Also I was an adult, and she couldn’t really justify driving an hour to fret in the waiting room when I had things in hand, thank you, unless my brother was also there. Long aside. I have feelings, apparently.)
He went first, and I could hear him in the next room after they finished.
“You’re taking out my sister’s teeth next, and I want you to know; she’s the difficult one, I’m the easy one. Mom. Mom. Tell them about our labors. Tell them how I was a much easier delivery. They need to KNOW.”
(My mom tells our respective labor stories every year on our birthdays, and normally this fact fills him with deep embarrassment.)
If it helps, I had mine out a few years back and turns out I had FIVE. Still undecided on whether that means I’m some kind genetic throwback, or just extra super wise.
Yep, I thought it was a tumor, and I was like “…artsy”.
Toasties, my work husband got fired this week and I am devastated. We are still friends outside of work but like, I MISS HIM YOU GUYS ๐
Also my car went in for repairs and $800 I don’t have later it is theoretically working fine. Ugh. This week can go suck eggs.
๐
You sound like you could use a hug, and I know I could right now on what has already become a bad day. So, hugs!
Let me return your much appreciated hug with a hug!! I’m so over crappy days. Can we just get to good ones now?
Oh my god, once I left a job and had to leave my work husband behind and I was so sad. We’re obvs still friends but that’s the only thing I miss.
I have to stay until June at least (otherwise I have to pay back a bonus I got, which is The Worst Thing I Have Ever Heard) but I can’t imagine it being much longer after that. I’m just ugh. So done.
My work husband from a couple jobs ago moved to the other side of the country and I honestly miss him a lot. ๐
Mine lives only a few towns over, so I know I’ll be seeing him, but that is the worst thing and I am so sorry ๐
I can’t get anything done without him around!!!
I was also not-that-secretly in love with mine so it double sucks. ๐
This just happened to me. On his last day I met his real life girlfriend. Then I cried a little bit on my way home.
My work husband left last week and I took his job and I feel like a horrible impostor and wish he were still around ๐ we cried a lil bit when we hugged and uggghhhh, work husbands, why can’t you stay forever?!
My misandrist work coven-mate moved OFF THE CONTINENT and I am so sad, so sad. I feel for you.
The ignition lock cylinder on Clarice jammed this week and for some reason they’re like 150 bucks for an 88 Mazda truck (like 50 bucks max for anything newer than 95). So I mean I’ve got the money but ugh. I had to take the ignition switch off the cylinder and I’m back to using a screwdriver to start her.
I saw Frank a few days ago and it was weird and hilarious and very, very good. Maggie Gyllenhaal’s pure distain was probably the funniest thing in the movie. Anyone else seen it?
Loved it – best of 2014 for me, up there with Under The Skin.
Maggie was just fantastic as the femme fatale.
What did you think of the score? I thought it was effing brilliant. The arty stuff AND the supposed-to-be-twee stuff were exactly as if you were hearing them IRL – and Frank’s vocal tunes were little primitive gems.
I’m not the biggest fan of weird spoken word music (a la Listener), but I actually kind of enjoyed the music they came up with! I’d go see them in a show if they toured.
I’ll try to be not so spoilery for anyone reading, but I really thought they portrayed Frank’s situation (decline? reveal?) really well. Reminded me a lot of Outsider Art and the interesting characters involved in that movement,
Haven’t seen Frank but loved Under the Skin. We had maybe 1/3rd of our showing walk out. One guy yelling “THIS SUCKS” loudly as he left. Annoying but also kind of amusing.
Eat this, never diet again.
It looks like a really uncool body part that tried to dress itself up in gold leaf so that other body parts would think it was cool, but then they were like “LOL we are still not giving you any blood” (that’s why it’s so pale), so it was sad.
lol sulagna i chortled at this
100000% what I thought it was, almost made me think this was a “sponsored post” not the open thread
…because you’ll be dead.
Good: I have a job interview in 2 weeks! I had applied for this job months ago and hadn’t heard back, so I had long since given up hope, so it was an unexpected surprise to get the invite. They’re hiring 2 people in this role, one permanent and one with a year-long contract. If you can spare any good vibes, please send them my way so I can score the permanent job, because I am so beyond tired of jumping from one short-term contract to another. รฉ_รจ
Bad: I decided to try couch to 5k again and did the first Week 1 workout on Tuesday. Wednesday and Thursday I felt like I’d been hit by a car. Everything hurt. Three days later my hips are still a bit sore. It all makes me feel rather pathetic. I would never describe myself as athletic, but I wouldn’t have thought I’m so out of shape that a mere half-hour of cardio would fuck me up like this. Blehhhh.
I had such a weird experience with C25K. I could never predict if any given workout was gonna be easy or impossible, even though I kept up with it really regularly. This is why I don’t run!
Congrats on the job interview!
I also had a job interview this week but it was UTTER SHIT. And lasted nine minutes and didn’t go over anything substantive. And basically my job makes me want to cry every day so I was really hoping on this one. Let’s all send good vibes to one another.
You get all my good vibes! Permanency is good and valuable and I hope you get some.
And I feel you and commiserate on the couch to 5k business. I finished the program last year, fell in love with running, and ran a half marathon earlier this year. In the middle of training for my second half I had to get my gallbladder removed which led to a month off from running and now I’m back at the beginning and it suuuuuuuuuuucks. I ran 13+ miles in April, how does it all feel so impossible now?
Is it that bad? I’ve been thinking about trying it but I’m an utter wimp. Is there a better one for absolute beginners?
Good luck with your interview!
C25K is supposed to be for absolute beginners! I’m just a total weakling. The week 1 workouts are: 5 minutes of brisk walking to warm up, then you alternate 1 minute jogging and 1:30 minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes, then a 5-minute cool-down walk. I thought I could handle it (I’ve tried the program before and gotten up to week 4) but obviously even this is beyond my negate abilities.
Dude, a foam roller is your friend. Or a lacrosse ball. (Me, I need the lacrosse ball for most things, because my muscles are one big knotted mess.) myofascial release, is what I’m saying.
If you sit all day for work, it’s possible your hip flexors / psoas / various butt muscles / whatever goes on in the general hip region are all out of whack, and this can be made worse by running. Get at that with a lacrosse ball! There are many YouTube videos, and after a while you can kinda feel it out yourself. That, and rolling out your IT band can make a world of difference.
Yup, when my Couch to 5K went terribly wrong (after a week and a half) and I finally broke down and went to a physical therapist (I’d been needing to for a lot of reasons, this was sort of confirmation). And what she told me basically was that I just need to stretch a lot more. I was convinced I had some kind of deformed skeleton that meant I was physically incapable of doing anything ever again – apparently it’s just really tight hips and hamstrings throwing EVERYTHING out of whack. I’ve always stretched, but she of course was able to pinpoint what I really needed to work on and also motivate me to do it on a daily basis, which has helped immeasurably.
It took me way too long to figure out that most of the things wrong with me were fixable or preventable, and I think that’s because there was this big gap between periods when I worked out and I hadn’t adjusted to the physical realities of being fifteen years older. It…makes a difference! Like how little kids will sleep all night in a position that looks like Pinnochio dropped from a fourth floor window and are totally fine the next morning, but if I tried that I wouldn’t be able to move my neck for a week.
This is the weird thing about exercise, that being generally in shape in one modality (like walking or dancing or whatever) is sometimes surprisingly impossible to translate to another modality. Also, it sounds like it’s the type of movement, rather than the cardio aspect, that’s messing with you. Poor hips. ๐
If you keep doing it, I hope it gets easier (it will!), and if you decide not to, I hope you find something else that works better for you!
And, sending good vibes for the job interview! You will nail it.
Good vibes to you!
The first time I took up regular running, my legs felt like they were squeezed and grilled. I was told by my physician that’s because muscles are being torn and then rebuilt into stronger ones, so I must celebrate the squeezed and grilled feeling.
When I first started running last year (no training plan, signed up for a 5k with a friend), it was super painful, and I could barely move after my first 5k. It gets a LOT easier, really quickly. I’m training for a half-marathon now, and I still walk a lot of my long runs. I assume you already invested in good shoes and (if you need it) a good sports bra? Getting the right shoes really helped me feel less sore.
Similar experience, same questions. Also, maybe just doing 30 minutes of walking instead of trying any running for a while might help? And it’s very pleasant. Couch to 5k doesn’t work for everyone, and that first workout is TOUGH. I think it’s totally fine and good to take their model but scale it back – maybe 1 minute of jogging, 4 minutes of walking for 20 minutes.
I started couch to 5k a while back and after the first week I broke my pinkie toe (tripping over a suitcase, trying to get dressed in the morning)!! I felt so defeated and I have not started it up again. UGGGHHH
California Toastfolk, I want to meet you! I will begin in San Diego, then drive up the coast to San Jose, then spend a few days in San Francisco.
1. SAN DIEGO BRUNCH SUNDAY, 21 SEPTEMBER: I want to meet you! Anyone available/interested?
2. SAN FRANCISCO LUNCHES, DINNERS, WALKING TOURS WED-FRI, 24-26 SEPTEMBER: I will be playing tourist by myself, staying at a hotel in The Tenderloin. My plans are flexible and, so far, include the Mission district and Golden Gate Park. Anyone want to join me for a tour, a walk, or a meal?
3. SAN FRANCISCO TOAST MEETUP FRIDAY, 26 SEPTEMBER: I want to meet you! Help me choose a location convenient to you Friday evening, 26 September.
All Toastfolk are welcome to contact me directly: rcmcdowell at verizon dot net.
I will be in town and am up for the meet up at least. I’ll start thinking about places that will have space on a Friday.
Yes, please. And thanks for making time for me. I can’t wait to meet you.
I am so down for meeting up oh mah god. I work 10-6 Mondays-Thursdays and 12-8 Fridays so I am down for whatever evening activity. You are also in town for the Friends of the San Francisco Library Sale, which is the BEST way to score cheap awesome used books. Fingers crossed it’ll be warm, we should try and meet somewhere with a patio!!
eta I will email you later!
Hooray! I look forward to your email. We’ll find a time/day/place that is convenient for you.
Sort of unrelated: is there some sort of SF Toast group?
We should go roller skating at the roller church!
I would love that! I’m not traveling with skates. Can I rent? More deets, please!
oh, you’re not packing roller skates in your suitcase on your vacation? Whatever, I guess you have your own priorities (jk jk). Yeah I’m pretty sure you can rent, I haven’t been there myself but I think msjinxie has.
Brah I work in Golden Gate Park, if you want to stroll any of those days I’d be down.
Yes, let’s. Please email me: rcmcdowell at verizon dot net
In concordance with that slightly horrifying picture, I’m working on planning my Halloween party. Last year’s theme was “Happy Hallow-meme,” as inspired by Flavorwire and the internet. This year I think I’m going with Villains as the theme, but I can’t think of anything punny. Right now I’ve got “Happy Halloween Indeed” which only works if you read it out loud in the right voice. Any ideas, Toast?
Also my current costume idea is Delores Umbrage, but other suggestions also appreciated.
Happy Halloween my pretty, and your little dog too? Maybe too oz-specific. Your party sounds so fun!
Happy muah-ha-ha-halloween?
Happy HallowMean?
I would love to go to a Happy HallowMean party! +1
There is no greater villain than Umbridge. You have chosen well. Honestly, you could just Umbridge theme the entire party (chintz, cats, china, etc) and everyone would be scared out of their wits once they realized what was up.
It’s time, once again, for THE FRIDAY CAT THREAD.
Anne and Bonny are two years old this month! We bought them a ball made out of compressed catnip.
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Bonny has been a little shit. We were trying to get intimate earlier and she broke into the bedroom and yowled at us. It was distracting.
(To post a picture, stick your image somewhere like photobucket or facebook. Right-click it, head down to where you see something like ‘copy image location’, and click that. Then type this code img src = ” “/ and post the image code in between the “”. Then surround it with little triangular brackets)
Picture of Munchie that our catsitter took on Monday while we were on vacation. When we got back on Tuesday, she completely overturned her litter box. Ugh.
I haven’t noticed before how hewr face markings make her look Very Stern. She is lovely.
Thank you! She doesn’t usually look that stern; she was very upset that A Stranger was taking her picture. Silly cat.
This cat has strong eyebrow game.
(Also, is super-duper pretty!)
She’s so purty!! I love her coloring.
Oh wow. She saved up ALL the spite poop.
She reminds me of Klimt’s Athene.
(sorry for the super massive image I posted before)
Oskar was concerned that there was not any water in the bathtub last night.
bathtub cats! My cat likes to get in an empty bathtub and howl, just howl. she doesn’t howl anywhere else. something about the way the howling echoes off the porcelain she really likes.
My cat likes to howl into his empty food bowl. CATS.
Oskar howls any time he can’t see us and has decided that’s our fault. For example, if he’s wandered out of the room. Or behind the couch. It’s especially entertaining when he has his big stuffed toy in his mouth.
Bonny does that! Specifically, she goes upstairs, realises we are NOT upstairs, and yoooooooowls until we shout back ‘down here you fucking thicko!’ a few times.
Animals with stuffed animals are my favourite thing ever!
It’s a raccoon that makes crinkly noises that they eviscerated within 10 minutes of receiving the toy. So it’s a large flat “stuffed” animal. It’s his favorite! He throws it in the air and then leaps around pouncing on it!
he’s all, “Ma, fix this!”
I took a bath last night and had THREE cats standing on the side of the tub for a while.
My cat is always looks super-confused when I take a bath. And she gets on her tiptoes to peer in at me and sniff the bubbles.
All three of mine perch and drink for ages. Oskar will even clamber in onto my legs until the water gets too high.
Oh yeah, they’ll stick their paws in and do the dip n’ lick, or just pad it around, or sometimes just sit there with paws in the water. The little one actually climbed down onto my chest last week and sat there, tail in the water, drinking.
It’s one of those things that I feel like I should think is gross but actually I think it’s wonderful and adorable.
My parents (whom I’m temporarily staying with again) don’t let the cats go into the bathroom but on occasion we have forgotten to close the door and they got in and played in the empty bath tub. One time I mistakenly left the door open while the bath was full of water. One of my cats joyfully jumped into the tub, let out an ear-splitting, tragic yowl and ran with his long magnificent fur plastered down looking very thin and woebegone with a haunted look in his eyes. It took me a while before I sufficiently recovered from laughing to towel him down.
That happened to Saffron too. She used to gaily leap the bath-side to paddle in the puddles and bubbles left over when it wa empty, but got a bit previous once and it was still almost full. Now she hops up on the side to check first.
“Explain yourself. Next time I expect rose petals and a glass of champagne to make up for this.”
Gorgeous cat!
Happy birthday kittens!
I have one cat in a box
and one cat who is the most comfortable of all the cats.
omg boxcat, what a face.
She is hilarious. She looks like she is auditioning to be the next GrumpyCat but she is actually the cheeriest, purriest little person in the world.
They are not my cats, but they live at the place I’ve been staying til my sublet starts, and we are pretty good friends at this point:
Thaddeus is teeny-weeny and very clingy
Mowgli is v chubs but he owns it I think
This is Fabius. He is not terribly dignified.
This is Greg (she is the cat I mentioned in yesterday’s Link Roundup cat thread) glaring at the rabbits. Unfortunately I don’t have a better photo of her right now.
Bonus photo of the rabbits, in their old cage:
Poppy is on the left, Gaius Buntar is on the right.
This is Calvin (furthest from the camera) and Hobbes. We adopted them about 2 months ago from the shelter. They’re two old brothers (they estimated that they’re about 14). Calvin is very cautious but can get deliriously happy and wheezy when petted. Hobbes is a bit of an asshole with the best supercilious glare ever. They’re awesome.
PS woohoo! Got the img thing to work!
They are a lovely pair of old men!
Patrick’s all, “Hey, ‘sup?”
He’s loving that I work from home now. He gets to take naps next to me throughout the day.
Haha what a brilliant expression!
Whoa, I had no idea you could post from facebook! That makes it easier, because I basically only use instagram for anything.
Here are all 4 of my cats–so left to right that’s Luna (5 months from our foster litter), Kona (~3 months, found her on the street when she was about 4 weeks old), Nico (our original only cat), and Easy (Luna’s brother).
I misread “Easy” as “Etsy” and now I want a cat named Etsy.
Sincerely,
A Guy Who Calls One of His Cats “iTunes” Sometimes
P.S. – your cats are lovely.
This squirrel is Moxie’s favourite toy. Moxie has loved it since he was a tiny kitten. He shows his love by biting its throat and kicking it and clawing it, as you do. This is me trying to (badly) repair the resulting damage while Moxie watches with great concern.
THAT FACE!!
He’s all “do NOT mess up my squirrel. I will cut you.”
Make him better mum, fix him!
Oh my god! His face looks like a little Studio Ghibli dust bunny!
OMG that is pretty much what he looks like when he does that face and he does it all the time!
Anne and Bonny are just delightful. I have two doofy-ass tuxedo babies of my own, someday I really should post pics but anyone who knows me would figure out who I am IMMEDIATELY and I kinda wanna stay anonymous. So I’ll just giggle at your two.
This is Crayon. I will post photos of his brother Mistou next week.
Booooooox!
What? What about this is not normal? I refuse to live by your normal.
Crayon is brilliant!
Here’s Jay-Z sprawled all over a court summons. Now I’m referring to him as Justice Furgood Marshall.
Lana went to sleep like this next to me a few nights ago. Sorry about the potato quality of the picture – she’s very hard to photograph, but is the cutest little hellbeast I’ve ever seen. This morning she sat outside the tub while I showered and kept peeking her head in. She’s also taken to trying to get into the toilet WHILE I’M PEEING.
Somehow Daisy always looks like I’m doing something terrible to her when I take her picture. She voluntarily hopped up next to me so I’d pet her and yet…
Ok clearly this is not my day to successfully post a photo, but all of your kitties are lovely!
Against common sense, I picked up some foster kittens from the shelter this week. They are about 10-14 days old. Their eyes opened since Monday. I have to bottle feed them every few hours. I’m on leave to take care of my human baby, but it turns out that my rationale that this would be perfect, because I’m up every few hours anyway, is just as faulty as one would think. So many screamy babies! The kittens are very cute, though. When they suck on the bottle, their ears move in time.
This is my cat, Jean Luc, helping me study Chemistry Wednesday night.
i dunno if this picture thing is working or not.
What a saucepot!
How do you deal with toxic coworkers, Toasties???
I have a teammate who has never said โIโm sorryโ or โyouโre right.โ When she asks for help, she says, โI need you to do X for me.” She steals content/code/images and calls it her own. She lies about which projects sheโs working on, and she lies about how sheโs doing projects sheโs actually doing. She lies about her rank and job title. She tells us daily how many years of experience she has.
My job requires me to trust her and, as you can imagine, I donโt. I donโt trust her intentions, and often I donโt even trust that her suggestions are grounded in reality so I take her seriously 0% of the time and that’s, um, conspicuous and kind of toxic in itself?
On top of that, I really hate her guts, personally. She makes me feel like shit. I’m in an extremely complex job at a Fortune 500, and being new and young and untested, I’m WILDLY insecure. So here I am, floundering around with these $100k projects, and Toxic Colleague comes along and says, โHahahahahaha, hey, a 100k project? thatโs so cute! Iโm working on a $3m project. Itโs going pretty well, you know, as expected. Gotta go to a meeting with the CEO and the King of America AKA my husband AKA I’m better than you okay bye”
And I KNOW that sheโs pouring steaming lies out of her face, but I AM INSECURE. My team is insecure! My whole department is insecure! To feign such certainty when there obviously is none is SO INSULTING and so obviously mean-spirited. It makes me hate her right down to her marrow.
HELP HOW DO I MANAGE MY HATRED AND INSECURITY AND DISTRUST??? I have practiced Not Thinking About Her Ever, but Iโm forced to interact with her daily right now (no no no no no no). I have teamed up with some folks to work on our Coping Strategies, but I still have ALL THE RAGE
Aside from the possibility that she’s a compulsive liar and does this to everyone, she may be insecure because of you. (wait a minute, hear me out). I know you said you’re young and inexperienced, but it’s possible that your potential, your youth, and your willingness to be a hard-working, BAMF is getting under her own skin. I am glad you have coworkers who can help and all band together to cope, but it is quite possible that she is WAY more insecure than any of you, and uses these mind games to try and lord what little power she has over you.
So, USE YOUR RAGE, samburgers! Funnel it, let it fuel your drive to work harder, learn more, and thus leave her lying, hater ways in the dust.
Both are true, I think! She does this to everyone AND she’s extra terrible to me because she’s threatened by me–but that’s little comfort? My blood still boils every time I get a nastygram from her, and I hate hate hate that she can rile me up. I want to be peaceful and zen-like, unruffled by her petty nastiness, cool and strong and terrible in my wounding disinterest.
HOW DO I BE A GODDESS IS WHAT I WANT TO KNOW
In this kind of situation, it’s important to 1) only say the simplest, most straightforward things to her about the job underway, and while being totally polite, only speak the bare minimum of words so that nothing is twisted out of context; 2) do not give her any information beyond what you must. No personal information about you for sure, but also the minimum information about the job that you can give without being uncollegial. Basically, Offer No Help and Assistance. Also, give her no satisfaction at any point of seeing anything she does get to you.
This protects you, keeps you professional, and limits her power and effectiveness in the office without you doing anything that could be pointed to by her as uncollegial. It is also a strong lesson in “you reap what you sow with me,” which is important not only to demonstrate to her, but also to demonstrate to your colleagues so they don’t draw any wrong conclusions about you in the workplace — good office politics. At least, that’s what the appropriate response in my industry would be — it may vary industry by industry.
I don’t have much in the way of advice, but offering you solidarity, lady! I’m very similar in the way I react to people being horrible. I work in health care administration, with cancer patients, which is stressful — for patients, certainly, as it’s the likely the worst thing they’ve had to endure. And it’s also kind of a difficult job to do — we’re not doctors or nurses, we have no clinical impact on their health or care, so it’s easy to feel helpless, and also there’s a lot of administrative bullshit and red tape and hoops to jump through which makes it frustratingly hard to do a good job. Also, at least where I work, there’s a strong emphasis on a the customer is always right approach, which is difficult when you’ve got limited resources in terms of availability of scans, of slots on the doctor’s schedules, etc., but patients are used to getting their way…
Most patients are lovely — I have met some of the strongest, sweetest, most incredible and inspiring women (I work with breast cancer patients). Sometimes, though, whether because they’re having a particularly bad day, or just received bad news, or are just mean people to begin with (because that’s the thing about cancer — literally anyone gets it, even the cruddy, demanding, entitled people), a patient can be downright abusive (not usually to the doctors, but with some frequency toward the admin staff.) And it makes my blood boil every single time. In training we were taught to QTIP (Quit Taking It Personally! Ugh, administrative acronyms, go away) but that is NOT THE MOST HELPFUL ADVICE when someone is telling you to “FUCK OFF YOU INCOMPETENT JERK WHAT IS YOUR EMPLOYEE I.D. NUMBER I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR” at the top of their lungs in the middle of a crowded waiting room ๐
So, yes, solidarity. How to be a zen-like goddess, indeed.
Sounds like some people are on Prednisone! When my son was taking that (yes, for cancer) he was like Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. In the waiting room, you could always tell which kids were on steroids because their parents had that haunted, hunted look, like women married to bipolar sociopaths. Except you can’t divorce your own child, and also, it’s the drugs making the crazy so you have to just get through it somehow. I do know the staff has a pretty high turnover because it is such an emotionally draining job, so on behalf of all the patients, THANK YOU for showing up to work every day. I know it sucks.
And for what it’s worth, I always felt like the admins were taking just as much care of us as the doctors and nurses. Again, thank you! ๐
I can commiserate, for whatever that’s worth.
We’re reorganizing here, and we’re going to have to work with one of the absolute worst human beings I’ve ever met. She’s supposed to be helping us with difficult cases, but she’s clearly in over her head. And she’s dealing with this by acting like everyone but her is an idiot.
if it was only to our faces, that would be one thing, but if anyone has the nerve to ask her a question, she will go behind their backs and email all the managers on the floor about how you’re fucking up. And I know she has a repuation for being basically useless, and that people don’t really listen to her when she does this, but still. What if they don’t?
It got so bad when I worked with her before that everyone with my job used to just ask each other questions behind her back.
I’m genuinely afraid that i’m going to end up using all the cuss words on her and losing my job. I don’t know how I’m going to manage her nonsense.
if anyone has the nerve to ask her a question, she will go behind their backs and email all the managers on the floor about how you’re fucking up.
MINE DOES THIS TOO. Atrocious.
I am so so so sorry you’re inheriting one of these via reorg. Nothing sucks quite like having a relatively peaceful workplace destroyed by a lone subhuman monster. As for not getting your ass fired, the only thing that’s stopped me from throwing things is my allies: my subhuman colleague has a lot of enemies, and we all validate each other’s feelings/provide backup/vent/etc. Ally up!
I really like Captain Awkward’s suggestions for dealing with terrible coworkers/bosses. Some good scripts/strategies in her post and in the comments as well:
http://captainawkward.com/2012/11/18/395-confront…
http://captainawkward.com/2012/10/11/375-376-resp…
I think teaming up with other people re: coping strategies is an awesome idea.
Thank you for this! There’s some really, really good stuff in here.
No problem and good luck!
Damn. I don’t have any useful suggestions, but your situation would make a great Ask a Manager advice column: maybe try sending it in?
Dwell on how pathetic all of those petty lies and humble brags and insults are? I don’t truck with the whole “bullies are just scared too” nonsense, because sometimes people are genuinely awful just because they like to be genuinely awful. But it’s still pathetic. It sounds like she’s not deserving of your respect, and internally I feel like respect is a prerequisite for the kind of combination of fear, anxiety and hatred that you describe. So focusing on the ways you shouldn’t respect her might help it feel…I dunno. More manageable. Maybe even to the point where you can fake a placating smile.
I’d be careful, though, especially with talking to other people on your team about her. Just because she’s pathetic doesn’t mean she can’t fuck with you.
Is she gunning for you in particular, or is she like this with everyone?
I feel like respect is a prerequisite for the kind of combination of fear, anxiety and hatred that you describe
Shit, you’re totally right. Under a previous manager, she was allowed to get her way, so I respect her in the sense that I assume her terrible ideas will come to fruition. I respect the power she had over our former manager, I guess.
But things have changed and I can move what matters much more easily than she can. Come to think of it, she busies herself with little tasks that don’t require anyone’s support, while lying about working on major initiatives that would require a ton of buy-in (whiiiich she can’t get without Old Manager because she’s awful to everyone). I think I need to adjust to this new reality so I can stop seeing her as a real threat?
YOU ARE WISE THANK YOU INTERNET STRANGER
Yay! I’m glad it helped. I would still stay away from her and just let her burn the rest of her remaining bridges like a drunken Viking, if only because of that old adage about a dying lion — something something, it might be dying but it’s still a lion, and now it’s mad and wants to swipe at something. She might not be quite a lion, but…you never know.ย
Just watch her flame out with inner glee. ๐
(I know this is easier said than done, that’s why everyone loves giving advice!) Can you try to separate some of the behaviors that are personally upsetting you, vs. behaviors that actually negatively affect your work? If there are certain things she does that make your job harder from an *actual work* perspective, if you have a good manager you can try asking for advice on how to handle some of those. Are there a few big things she does that make your life harder, and the rest of it is exacerbated by it? If you can solve one or two concrete issues and your actual work isn’t as affected, maybe you won’t be as bothered by the rest of it.
It sounds like she might just be a jackass though, in which case … you just have to try not to let her get you down, as hard as that is to do. “I personally dislike my coworker” is not a valid complaint for your manager, unfortunately.
Yes, you are 100% right! Folks up the ladder are aware of her behavior, and when we talk about it, we talk strictly in terms of how her behavior disrupts the working environment. The bad news is that this is a hostile environment situation: The compulsive lying, the undermining, the screaming (did I forget to mention screaming?) aren’t really something you can work with, unless you count avoidance, so the unofficial strategy is Wait Until We Can Afford To Let Her Go. Helpful, eh?
I was in a similar situation recently with someone who was so toxic that I developed serious anxiety from the smallest interactions with them. I couldn’t find a way to express this to the owners of our business without being told that I was “being jealous” and “wasn’t giving them a fair chance”. I didn’t know what part of “physical manifestations of anxiety” weren’t being understood. I went from loving my job 100% to desperately looking for any way out.
I ended up going to my doctor for anxiety medication. I was *almost* comfortable with this person, ready and willing to accept that we had to work together, and then they got fired. Which left me feeling a mixture of incredibly relieved that they were gone and angry that I had wasted all that time and effort on accepting someone’s buttfaced churlishness.
Now I love my job 100% again. Not sure if any of this is useful. I tried everything I could think of to get along with this person, and the only thing that did the trick was straight-up Lexapro.
Oh god, my heart hurts that it was so bad for you. But they got the boot! THERE IS JUSTICE!
I have it on good authority that she will, eventually, get fired, but I can’t focus on that TOO much because I have to cope RIGHT NOW. I look forward to the day when I can be frustrated that I wasted so much energy on this.
Thanks, it was a real mess. If she had stayed I think I would have had to quit. I almost walked out a few times.
Coping is hard and I hope that you too will get some relief soon! Sending lots of positive thoughts your way.
Rx: cats, trivia nights, pizza, hot tubs, road trips, burning some spare PTO/sick time if you can swing it
companies that allow people like this to keep working there and making everyone miserable do not deserve you. I’d start job hunting.
Dog thread! We have a puppy now, Toast. She is currently functioning as a butt warmer.
Oh my goodness she is adorable!
She knows it, too!
Oh, hooray, puppy thread!
Here is my pup, Nela, acting as a headwarmer:
And here she is, stealing the heating pad like a dirtbag, the night after I got my IUD inserted:
Aw. Is she a rat terrier? Even at 12 weeks, Bella is a little too big already to be a headwarmer (though that hasn’t stopped her from trying).
She is, theoretically, part mini-pinscher, part-chihuahua, and possibly part-Italian Greyhound. She looks mostly like a minpin, though, I think, just…slightly larger. I’m not really sure, since I adopted her.
NELA STORIES: I was supposed to just foster her, since I wasn’t sure if I was ready for a Full Time Puppy Commitment, but she was my first foster, and her full name is Canela, and my grandmother’s maiden name was Canella, and my dad (who swore we would never get a dog again after we put our family dog down after 18+ years!) begged me to adopt her, and promised he would help me with her. And, well, how could I not, with a name like that? It was A Sign. My dad is 100% in love with Canela, and I can sorta tell what he’d be like if I ever have kids (he would spoil them silly, it’s adorable.)
I’m so glad I did adopt her, though! It’ll be 2 years officially on December 6th! She is such a good pup, really, really sweet and cute and feisty, and she snarls at dudes who harass us on our runs because she is a misandrist pup. Also she is an excellent cuddler.
Tell me all about Bella!!!
That is a great story. How perfect with the name! Min-pin was my second guess. It’s been 8 years since our last dog and we decided it was finally time. I totally get your dad’s reservations in that area.
My mom’s mentioned multiple times how glad she is to have a granddog and not a grandchild, so I think we made the right choice. ๐
Bella’s supposedly half Golden, but barring a fluff explosion in coming months I’m thinking she’s going to look all Lab. She does the cat thing where she hugs her toys and kicks her back feet, and loves the laser pointer too! It seems like she’s going to hit the sweet spot of intelligence where training isn’t too hard but she’s not, like, border collie scary smart. I think her personality’s great: friendly, curious but not apt to wander, playful but not aggressive, a little clingy but we’re working on the separation anxiety.
We’d been batting around the idea for a while, but the actual decision to get her was kind of rushed and I was way stressed out about it. But so far things have turned out way less stressed than my anxieties feared they would. I think she’s pretty awesome.
Not apt to wander is such a good quality in a dog! I took Nela up to Peekskill to hike this past summer, and I hesitantly let her off the leash, and she was SO GOOD. I was so proud of her. The only time she’s off the leash in the city is on the weekends, after we run to the dog park. I was nervous about it while we were hiking, but she was amazing. She’d scout ahead, stop, turn back (“HUMANS! Why are you so far behind?”) and then sprint back to try to herd us in the direction she wanted us to go in. She was flummoxed by frogs, and growled a little at a snake, but when I said “Leave it” she just snorted at it and left it alone.
How old is Bella? Nela has some separation anxiety issues, too. I work long hours 4 days a week, which doesn’t help, but my brother is my roommate and he’s currently unemployed so he’s there for her during the day. When he gets a job, my parents said they’d be able to stop by and check on her, too. She’s much better than she used to be, though, which I think is probably due to the fact that she’s a bit older, now. Also, getting her plenty of exercise helps a lot. I’m off on Tuesdays, so we run 2-3 miles (and go to the dog park) and I try to do that on Saturdays and Sundays as well.
I’m so glad things are less stressful than you’d feared! Bella looks and sounds like a great pup ๐
That’s the secret weapon of the retriever breeds; they’re literally bred to COME BACK TO YOU! Makes recall training easier. Nela sounds like a very good girl! We haven’t been off leash in the woods yet with Bella but she’s doing really well with boundary training in the yard.
She’s 12 weeks right now, so I’m sure she’ll get more independent with time. We’re doing short separations now and going about 1/2 mile twice a day for walks. Once her leash manners are better that’ll go longer. I’ve also discovered the magic of soup bones, which mysteriously appear only when she’s alone. ๐
OH MY GOD THE EARS.
GOOD PUPPY
THE BEST
I do not have a dog, but I was walking into the city centre and saw this dog. This dog is always there. It likes to stand in the window a lot of the time. https://www.flickr.com/photos/gingerbiscuit/14971…
Haha, how much? indeed.
Is that dog the resoluteness and dignity of England and the English distilled into a single jowly, furry package? I think it might be.
I am dogless but my other half has one!
WOOF SNUGGLEPUP
!!! She’s adorable!
Thanks. ๐ All credit to her, naturally!
Did you name your dog Toast?? Or are you just addressing us? Either way, adorable.
Ah, no, her name is Bella. And thank you!
eeeeee what a little cutie!
this picture is two years old but it’s the only one on my work computer (and is one of my favorites, because lookitthattongue! and those little blue peepers!):
she is adorable and flighty and TOTALLY WEIRD. I love her so. (more pictures here :D)
Pretty girl! I feel like this is hilariously weird:
Dogs.
ahaha, that is ALSO one of my favorite pictures of her. ๐ a total weirdo.
Amazing.
Pupppyy. She is so snuggly! What kind of dog is she?
Half Lab, half Golden, all snuggle monster.
omggggggg<3<3<3
:DD
Eve being her gorgeous self. I am pleased to report that the 3 different barriers we put up to stop her getting upstairs have held! Still, she’s very smart & will probably figure out how to get past these ones, too, in another week or so.
Beautiful!
SUCH A PRETTY FAAAACE, oh my goodness.
and she is suuuuuper soft, too.
I know I’ve shouted about this on Twitter before, but I’m pretty convinced that your beautiful dog and my family’s beautiful dog are long-lost twins. (This is not her best look, but the only recent picture my mom has sent me, hah)
My son just came up and said, “Eve’s playing with a ball?” because he was sure that was a pic of our pup (who does not like balls. She likes stuffed animals.)
Your pup looks a little bigger, but it’s astounding how similar they are!!
Dog thread! Hooray! This is one of my dogs, and a unicorn:
And here is the other, who is a beauty queen who only occasionaly deigns to show affection to mere humans:
I want to pierce something. I can’t do face for job reasons. Weird ear piercings (I already have 2 lobe piercings and a cartilage in one ear)? Nipples? Suggestions, please!
I’m having an alright week! I’m kinda all alone in a new city, so I’ve been making myself go out A LOT. I’ve been on four Tinder dates. They were all pleasant and not at all creepy. I’m confused. Am I doing Tinder wrong? Also, I’m dating a lady for the first time! It’s nice. Life is okay. (Although: I was telling a friend about the lady I’m seeing, and he asked to see a picture. He saw it and was like… “Hm. She looks just like your sister!” and DID NOT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU DON’T SAY THAT. MEN.)
(Mostly Iโm trying to avoid the fact that I accidentally fell stupidly, ridiculously in love with someone I shouldnโt have. This person is not currently in the country, and I have no idea if my feelings are returned โ and anyhow, I have no real way to have a conversation about it. This sucks.)
I have gotten a handful of piercings that are weird because I can’t do facial ones for work as well! I have both nipples, a sternal dermal anchor, my left tragus and right industrial/scaffold/whatever they’re calling it nowadays done. Out of all of them my dermal anchor is my favorite because lots of people just think it’s a tiny necklace until they get really close up.
My piercer also does a triple forward helix which I think looks great but would probably not work on me! I can share pictures of her work if you’d like for inspiration ๐
Pictures would be great! I know none of the fancy names for ear piercings, since mine right now are pretty standard.
Re: nipples: Did they hurt a lot? Do you find they get in the way of anything? I have a (male) friend with pierced nipples who tries to convince pretty much everyone that they’re a good idea. I’m semi-sold.
Sure!! I think you can get to Lenae’s portfolio from here: http://www.diamondheartpiercing.com and if you were in central NJ I’d totally tell you to go to her because she’s the best.
Nipples to me did not hurt that badly, and the only time they get in the way of things it’s usually because of the type of jewelry I have in (the balls on the end of my barbells are pronged, so sometimes the prongs snag on my long hair) and they’re pretty great. The only weird/difficult thing to me is that they suggest having something stabilize them while you sleep, so I’ve taken to wearing a soft sports bra. Also, they are just fun, though I can’t speak of anything more intimate since I’ve not had any contact of that nature since having them pierced. ๐
Central NJ is a bit far from DC, unfortunately! It’s great inspiration, though.
I have the bad habit of sleeping on my stomach, but I never would have thought of the sports bra thing! I’m seriously considering this (maybe a bit further down the line, as I’m still kinda broke and ear piercings are less expensive).
I would highly recommend a nipple piercing or two if you’re considering it. When I got mine, I hadn’t even considered the pleasure benefits, but wow, what a happy surprise!
Can I ask how long your nipple piercings took to heal? I’m considering getting mine done this month but I want to know how long I’ll have to avoid contact with that area during ~intimate contact~ (ugh that phrase bums me out but I don’t know how else to say it)
I wouldn’t say that mine are fully ~*healed*~ yet as I still get crusties (ew) but I had them done right before US Mother’s Day, so May? I think? Recommended ‘healing time’ is around nine months, but mine aren’t painful or outrageously sensitive or anything like that currently.
My piercer recommended at least two weeks before any uh…outside contact, and that’s pretty standard from what I can tell.
I’d say at least two weeks. It’s SO worth it! Do it!
I have a clitoral hood piercing. It’s surprisingly painless to get pierced (it hurt less than my lobes!) and has certain advantages. If, you know, that’s the sort of thing you want!
I’m surprised to hear that it wasn’t painful! I can see the advantages, l but I think I’d be terrified to actually get it done.
It just goes through the skin, and the skin there is so thin. It heals in about a week, too.
I went with a friend of mine to get hers done, and I can confirm that it did not seem to hurt her at all.
Yup. Almost completely painless and much easier to heal than a nipple. Just make sure you go to a really good piercer. (Which is true no matter where you choose to put a hole.)
*screams in dismay and panic* D:D:D:
But i am so happy you like it! :D:D:D
I used to have my tongue frenulum pierced. (The under-bit of the tongue.) It wasn’t visible unless I showed someone, unlike a regular tongue piercing, and didn’t hurt AT ALL. I had it about two years and eventually took it out because it was starting to reject, but it was great, always surprised people, and was generally a fun piercing to do. It ran me like $60 or something?
The only scary part was that they do it with a HUGE curved needle so maybe don’t watch.
Eeeek the needle bit sounds scary, but I never would have thought of that! I’m terrified of actual tongue piercings (getting them done, I mean. I think they look really cool!) but that sounds so neat!
I have my left tragus pierced and love it. Not enough to get the right one done, but y’know.
I think I might pierce my tragus! It seems to be the one that would work best for my ear shape. The top rated piercing I could find happens to be a block away from my work, and I get out at 4:30… New evening plan?
Good plan! As with any piercings, make sure to take very good care of it, especially in the initial healing period. Mine didn’t hurt too bad to get done but when I accidentally hit the ring later, THAT hurt. Your piercer should be able to give you a good rundown of what’s what.
Also, when I got mine done they put a CBR (captive bead ring, requires pliers to get done/undone) in but once it healed I switched it out for a curved dumbbell style one, which I have greatly preferred. Your mileage may vary!
Thanks for the advice! This should be fun.
Were you ever able to sleep on that side again? 4/5 of my piercings never bother me, but my cartilage, which healed properly and which I’ve had for over a decade, is still annoying/painful to sleep on. I think I’m going to do the tragus on the side I sleep on less, but just wondering!
Oh yeah, zero sleep issues once it healed. The only discomfort I ever have with it is occasionally it’ll get a little sore when I have ear buds in for long periods of time (like, full days at work). Other than that, no issues!
I was going to post on the ear bud, thing. I have my right tragus pierced and I love it, but I find it interferes with the ear bud a little (I have to get it placed just right, especially when I’m running, otherwise the ear bud falls out/doesn’t sit right). No sleep issues with it, either (the only piercing I notice when laying down is the cartilage piercing that is halfway up my one ear — and that only when I wear a stud or barbell in it. If I have a hoop in, it’s not noticeable. (The higher up cartilage piercing (on the round part at the top of the ear) never bothers me).
Chiming in to say that mine doesn’t hurt at all to sleep on, but it’s taken forever to heal. The tragus doesn’t get a lot of blood, so it can take a really long time for the piercing to heal properly. It still gets irritated sometimes if I get distracted and play with it too much while I’m bored (I’m a fidgeter). It’s been…7 months. There was a small infection somewhere in there, which slowed healing, but even w/o infection, they can take a while. So there’s that, although it sounds like you’re pretty experienced with piercings.
I have no advice about piercings, but am here for solidarity re: people mistaking persons you are dating for siblings. HOW EVEN. My girlfriend and I get stopped by people on the street who ask if we’re sisters, it’s bizarre.
Granted, we’re both short brunettes who wear glasses (and, hilariously, I do have virtually the same first name as her younger sister), but still.
This happened to me and an ex-gf, and I was just like, No. No. No we are not sisters.
I think sometimes that question is the on-the-sly way of asking if you are lesbians. “Here are two women who appear to be close. They could be lesbians, or they could be sisters. Which is the less offensive question to ask?”
But why ask at all?!??!???! AHHHHHHH
“Hey mister, she’s my sister!”
I recently got my left daith done, and it’s so pretty……..but the only reason I know that is because other people have taken pictures of it for me. I can’t see it in a mirror! So probably not a daith if you are the kind of person who gets piercings because you want to look at them a lot and be happy. Another note from my experience – take your hairstyle into account. I have the aforementioned daith and a tragus stud on the other side and neither of them are visible in my normal life because the longer bits of my bangs cover them up.
๐ I’m sorry for your unrequited love. That’s not a good feeling.
The daith looks pretty! I think I do wanna be able to look at the shiny, though.
(am still hoping that unrequited love is not actually unrequited, but it seems unlikely)
I’ve got my septum pierced with a barbell-type thing, so I can just flip it up into my nose whenever needed (work, hanging out with my grandmother, etc). Surprisingly effective, makes me feel mildly badass.
I have both my conchs (conches?) pierced and really love them, I wear big captive ball rings in them and it’s like I’m wearing hoop earrings all the time!
Here is a picture of Helen Mirren with conch piercings because she is beautiful:
(I’m not sure if they’re actually pierced or if she has fakers in but still)
I also have my left tragus and forward helix pierced and they were a BITCH healing (I got the forward helix pierced almost a year ago and it STILL hasn’t healed fully) but they look cool! Next I’m putting in more cartilage piercings and trying to figure out what will look best, artistic decision making is so much work ๐ (but really)
Helen Mirren is proof that god loves us and wants us to be happy.
Helen Mirren is above and beyond us. We bask in her shadow.
I am WEARING PANTS. I hate this. Down with pants forever. Stupid approaching winter.
I spent all last winter with fleece-lined tights and knee-high boots under my maxi skirts and it was magical.
I only wear elastic waist things because f*ck buttoned pants they are OVER. Tunics, blazers, boots and you are done!!! I am very passionate about comfortable pants.
YESSS me too I am loving the “cat’s pajamas” pants, which are really “joggers” but that’s SUCH an awful name, so CPs it is.
Any recs for where to buy more??? I bought some that were TOO EXPENSIVE from Anthropologie (actually, they’re the most expensive article of clothing I’ve ever bought, though still less than $100) and some $16 ones from F21 which I can already tell are much more durable, if harder to match bc of the pattern -_-;
I couldn’t agree more. I have a pair of thermal tights and they’re the best thing ever.
Skirts in the snow forever!
All my tights have holes in them, but I may need to look into these fleece-lined tights you speak of.
Do it! Target usually has them for about $12 a pair. They never last me more than a season, but at that price, I’m okay with it.
1.) Go to soundcloud
2.) Look up the song Government Pants
3.) You’re welcome.
no want put on
government pants
I got lots of long wool skirts on ebay last year for $10 or less each. They are not-at-all fashionable but they do the trick.
SockDreams is the answer to all your woes. I get their Extraordinarily Longer Thigh Highs and wear them with bike shorts and a garter belt under my skirts, and I am toasty all winter long. (I also see they have just added lumberjack fleece knee socks; aka plaid flannel stockings. brb ordering more socks.)
Sock Dreams is THE BEST. The best. Knee socks forever!!!
Maxi skirts 4 life!!! You can wear three pairs of leggings underneath and no one can tell. Or layer five skirts and walk around pretending you’re Jane Eyre. Or, if you wear a long skirt and make everything else masculine and tough and biker looking, everyone will think you are a style maven.
Hello Toasties! I know there have been lots of Twitter parties in the Open Thread, but since I am terrible at Twitter and excellent at taking pictures of my cats, I thought I would start a Toastie Instagram party!
I’m rallisaurus there too and I mostly post cliched cat and food pictures, with some history geekery thrown into the mix. Follow me!
Oh, that’s such a good idea! I just followed you — I’m raquinsey there too, and post mainly beagle and landscape shots.
I’m swtrilman! But you knew that. Also I post nothing…
Followed! I like both cats and food. And I am also pamplemoussi there.
Ooh, I’m following almost no one on Instagram yet. I’m toushindai there! I post… whatever’s on my mind when I remember that I have an Instagram. “More selfies than are approved of” would be one description, I suppose.
I am partridgetree, and lately I have been mostly posting pictures of my awesome new apartment/neighbourhood.
ok!
I am teuthida on instagram and alternate between photo photos and pictures of my dogs.
I’m amyofdoom and I post pics mostly of my cat and the library/school I work at
I have just now signed up for an Instagram account as brynplusplus!
I anticipate Cassandra will post 23904820948 pictures of flowers.
I am also groovealee on IG. I post mostly landscapes, beer, gardening, travel, my pets.
Yay. I’m was just looking for new interesting people to follow. I’m reb915 and post… miscellaneous.
Yay! I’m oshkoshmalosh, and mostly post doggie pics and scenery.
Instagram party! Like Twitter, I’m Hieuzon1st. My pictures fall into three categories: 1) cats, 2) things I find funny when walking out and about in Baltimore, or 3) family and friends. It is about 80% cats.
I’m mandarinmarie and I legit post almost all cats–my cats are very cute so it is worth it!
Sweet, I am following all of you guys! I’m @thenotoriousyeg over there these days, if you’re curious. I haven’t posted in ages, but it’s usually some combination of food, animal, and kid pictures.
I’m yourpretendfriend and lately I’ve been posting pictures of things I’ve embroidered for friends. But also selfies and fun things.
Yay, now I have new, fun people to follow! I’m mandyskeleton on IG and I post the occasional cat or bored selfie. Actually, I have a bunch of photos of my last trip to the beach that I should post, and new followers is as good an excuse as any.
I’m autumnlorayne on there as well, I post nerdy stuff about language, and other things I find cool.
*gets on instagram and searches for these new cool kids*
Who’s been painting? Our hallway is now in various shades of grey, and one of our living room walls is nearly all a deep mossy green.
bedroom is light blueish, trim is grey!
My parents just painted their front room which is as close to electric lime as I can figure! Mom read the label wrong and they were stuck with two cans of paint that dammit they were just going to use. I’m in love with it, personally.
My bedroom is now a soft green/gray, and I was finally bold enough to freehand the edging like a motherflipping boss!
We are trying to work up motivation to paint the inside of our garage (boring white).
Yeah, we’ve lived here two years and are just… painting bit by bit, still. By the end of next year the whole living room should be done, and then we’ll get a new sofa.
Nice. We just got our house about two months ago, so are still in the process of furniture buying, and organizing where everything will go. Eventually we do want to paint accent walls and such but for now we are just happy to have a place ๐
Spent the last couple of months painting various rooms in our new house. Just last week, we finished painting some cabinet doors white (boring, but neutral).
this makes literally no sense, but I first read this as a direct question, like “Who’s been painting? I came home and all of a sudden the hallway is now in various shades of grey and one of our living room room walls is nearly all a deep mossy green.”
which is…not what you intended, but sent me down a thought path of home redecoration by surprise. “Those damn kids broke in again, there are throw pillows everywhere in harmonized accent colors! And a large standing vase full of reeds!”
Literal lol!
The ongoing saga of Gertrude and the Amazingly Poor Life Decisions:
So her boyfriend the videogame designer had gotten Gertrude a job as his assistant. Then that office mysteriously closed but he got another job (with suspicious celerity) at a TV production company and again got her hired as his assistant.
The latest development is that her boyfriend quit his job at the TV production company because he (in her words) “was given the opportunity to co-own a subsidiary of” a different production company. So in a month this guy went from videogame designer to media tycoon? What? Who’s giving him this opportunity? Has anyone involved consulted a lawyer? It doesn’t matter, because Gertrude and Tycoon Boyfriend are opening an office together! She’s already been to Staples to get office supplies!
She did say that she’s not getting paid directly by her boyfriend, so… at least that’s something? Maybe this won’t be a total trainwreck and ruin her finances? As usual, there are SO MANY questions I want to ask, but I am zipping it because I don’t want her to feel like I’m judging or interrogating her.
I… what?
How is she not seeing the red flags? There are so many red flags his ‘new job’ might as well be running a shop selling nothing but red flags!
It’s a First of May parade, and her boyfriend is the Glorious Leader marching in front, twirling his own giant red flag.
(I am mostly just replying because I don’t want to miss an update)
I can’t believe something else has happened already!!
I was hoping so hard that nothing else would happen! ๐ ๐ ๐
He certainly seems to be trying to keep her off balance, doesn’t he?
Do you think he’s in some sort of MLM scheme? This sounds like behaviors exhibited by people I know who sell Filter Queen vaccums and Karatbar gold chips…
ohhh my god. even if she’s not getting paid directly by her boyfriend, all he has to do is set up an llc or a shell corporation or something and run the checks through that. ahhhhhh
Did she ever like, go to the production company and work there? Like was it actually a real place?
The boyfriend took her “location scouting” but that could very well have been the two of them just driving idly around town while he pretended to look for shooting locations.
A reminder, in case you need one (you don’t need one, you are awesome): You are a very very very good friend to Gertrude.
These types of constantly-escalating scenarios (i.e. each job gets more and more grandiose and high-level) are textbook for a compulsive liar. Not that I am necessarily pinning that label on the boyfriend, but I just saw a friend collapse under the weight of his ever-more-fabulous lies. First he finished college in three years with no debt while living with his best friend and throwing fabulous dinner parties. Then he got a job as a personal assistant to a Haitian entrepreneur. Then he got offered a job as an admin assistant at NYU but he turned it down to be an HR director at Saks (WHAT). Now he’s writing a book about his coming out story and the fabulous dinner parties he used to throw. And on and on.
so she’s definitely getting paid? like there is money going into her bank accounts instead of just out??
Toasties! Do you ever think that if you could go back in time, youโd do things differently? What would you do?
I love my husband dearly and my life is nowhere near what I would have imagined it to be. BUT. If I had a do-over? Iโd be more of a shit disturber in high school, having realized now that nobody cares. I would have gone to parties! In university, I would have socialized moreโway moreโinstead of being way too cozy in my dorm room. And internships! Dear GOD I wish I had done internshipsโand put some effort into thinking about what I wanted to do after university. And dated even MORE boys. And gone to more parties. And taken advantage of more free food.
What would you do differently with a do-over?
Yeah I am pretty cool with everything I have at present but if I went back in time I would DEFINITELY bang more people. Definitely.
I would also definitely bang more people and go to more parties. (On a related note, I would do a lot more recreational drugs. I feel like I missed out on my prime drug-taking years. All the MDMA and shrooms at those parties I didn’t go to!)
I would also study harder, especially in university. My grades were good enough that I graduated with an Honours degree but there are a few Bs on my transcript that could have been As if I hadn’t been so lazy. “Not living up to your potential” was my professors’ constant refrain, from grade 7 on, and if I could do it over I would make it so I never heard those words from anyone again.
I would put less energy into trying to win over my in-laws, because they are irredeemable assholes and not worth the effort.
Yep, count me in for more banging.
+1 for inlaws.
I was about to say the infuriating-but-sage truth that I wouldn’t do anything differently because I love where I am, even if it’s hard, and everything led me here blah blahโฆ
โฆ but I would FOR SURE bang more people. Also, go to the dentist and doctor more often in my youth.
Ditto the getting out more! Like, yeah, sleep is important and all, but I remember about none of the times I decided to stay in and most of the times I made myself go out.
Oh, god, yes, to all of those things. Internships, and parties. But I had a bad mental period around the age of 24 and just lost the internship years.
I’m always envious of all my friends who met super cool people in their internships.
not to get all “positive”, but honestly I really wish I didn’t worry so much about what I was eating/not eating. Waste of time my friends. Eat all the food, get a little exercise and be good to myself. Can I say how much I love this site?
Ha, I was just thinking about this the other day. I grew up in a very conservative environment, so I didn’t really figure myself out much until college, probably not even until grad school or later. So, my do-over was a silly thought of “you know, if I had been raised differently, I probably would have had a lot more sex. Like, a LOT.” Which still sounds like a fun do-over to me!
Me too. I wished I would have questioned all those things I followed blindly a lot earlier. I think university could have been a lot more fun.
I had a similar upbringing and also did not really (start to) figure myself out until grad school. Up until then I feel like I was kind of a robot just doing what I was told. On one hand, it’s nice to feel more like a real person, but on the other hand, it’s a hard transition to find out that everything I was taught was the most important in life is actually not.
I could have written this list. I was a debbie downer in HS and college, way too focused on school. My only other big thing is I would have gone to different university so I could have tired out some engineering classes. I really didn’t understand careers when I was in high school.
And yeah, and actually practice the dang guitar my brother gave me in 7th grade so I could be a cool guitar goddess in a band by now (I listened to an album yesterday and realized the members were all in high school).
Yes, all of this. Less studying in general, more socializing and actually thinking about the fact that I would someday NOT be in school. I’m pretty OK with where I’m at and think I’ll be really happy with wherever I am in 5 years but I absolutely could have set myself up to make things a whole lot easier in a whole lot of ways.
Exactly. I’m pretty satisfied with where I am, but I could have made my life MUCH easier in a lot of ways.
Two things, mainly. I’d put money away and I’d stay in shape. Mostly because now that I’m in my 30s I understand what it means that I didn’t do those things, and life would be easier now if I’d done those things back then. Otherwise I’m pretty cool with how my life went.
Maybe I’d dump the juicebox I dated for most of high school, though. I’d do myself that favor for sure.
I would go back and let myself be more of a dirtbag in high school. Possibly related: I wish I had addressed my depression earlier instead of spending like five years going “ehhhhh this is maybe a pain in the ass but who cares?” until it was actually a giant pain in the ass that got in the way of everything.
Oh my god, so many college-related do overs. Definitely applied to more women’s colleges (Bryn Mawr, especially; I think I could’ve hacked it, maybe?), looked further afield than two states away from where I grew up, not let my parents get me so worked up over applying for scholarships I had to go into therapy…
Plus, if I could carry what I learned into the do-over, I definitely wouldn’t have let friend drama (and unrequited love) cause me to crash and burn (and tank my GPA) sophomore year. It wasn’t worth it at all, and I keep fearing I’ve killed my chances of getting into grad school anywhere better than some fly-by-night scam university.
More studying for the course I failed and the course I almost failed in university. Less studying in general, probably, and definitely more shenanigans.
A few job-search-related things that I’d like to have done better, though I’m not sure I know how to do them better even now. Stupid job searching.
And I’ve have started reading Captain Awkward a couple years earlier, or maybe even sought out some earlier source of similar advice.
I’m in college now and if I could even do thepast year again I’d socialise more. I’ve finally reached the point where I’ve realised that I won’t fail unless something goes very wrong so I can definitely afford tospend sone more time with friends and going to parties. I’m trying toget out more this year, I’m sick of being so shy.
I would’ve banged some dudes in college, for sure. And put slightly more effort into school.
I was just talking to my brother about this the other day! I mentioned that if I could do college over, I’d probably work a bit less (I was working part time in a doctor’s office, because I was majoring in creative writing, and my parents stressed me out so much about Having A Back Up Plan that I started working at 19. Part time ended up being about 30 hours a week, though, at one point, on top of 15ish credits per semester, which, ugh.) I would have taken my writing more seriously, probably drank less (I was That Crying Girl at *several* parties, egads, and that is why I no longer drink tequila), and tried to be a little more deliberate about what classes I chose to take, and what internships I tried to pursue.
I mean, life is pretty good now. I have a stable, if boring and uninspiring, job that pays the bills more or less and allows me to take a decent vacation once a year. I’ve written a couple of short stories, some of which have been published, so yay! But I feel like if I’d made some more deliberate choices in college, maaaaybe I’d be a slightly more interesting place right now? ๐
Also I sometimes think I should’ve just said fuck it after college and joined the Peace Corps for a few years.
Threesome. In that like, I am way too insecure to have one now that I’m married (this may change with time), but I would have LOVED to be the third coming in for a couple/one of three unattached people together.
EDIT: Oh hey everyone else was really introspective about lifestyles and such. Oops.
Nah, my takeaway from this thread is largely about how many more people I shoulda banged.
No I’m with you there. Foregone boot-knocking opportunities tops my list of regrets too.
I hope this isn’t going to sound overly weird, but I would have rather had a threesome with you as the third party than the person that did end up playing that role and totally fucked with my head. Though it happened when I was 19 and emotional maturity was pretty thin on the ground.
In the immortal words of Ray Smuckles, I wish in the past I had tried more things ’cause now I know that being in trouble is a fake idea.
Oh man that is brilliant.
I would spend less than three years mooning over dudes who dumped me (or didn’t like me enough to date me for real in the first place), and I would start pitching out writing much sooner.
I wish I had gotten my knee fixed when I hurt it decades ago, instead of limping around like an asshole forever. I probably won’t ever do it now. I’ve spent some time with a physical therapist, who was able to get it kind of better, but never all that great.
Otherwise, there are a couple of breakups that could have gone more cleanly, but I’m happy where I am and I wouldn’t be here if I’d done other things I sometimes wish I’d done, so, I guess just the knee.
I’d have been less studious and less of a “good girl” in high school and undergrad. I bought into the idea that I needed to stay out of trouble and work hard and get good grades and scholarships, and I’ve since found myself surrounded by people who didn’t bother with any of that and did nothing but dick around for those years and somehow everything worked out for them, too.
Relatedly, I wish I’d been braver and taken more risks. I know now that I can handle pretty much whatever gets thrown at me and I wish I’d known that as a teenager.
Yes! I was shocked to discover at a work retreat this summer that at least five of the most successful people at my little public policy org were suspended from school at one point or another. When I was younger, I thought that something like that could ruin your success for all time. So not true.
so far I mainly regret not taking loads more drugs when I was a teenage dirtbag and being offered them for free.
i second this emotion.
I wish I’d exercised more, not in a “lose weight” sense which is why everyone kept suggesting I do it, but in a “let’s get swole and KICK BUTT” kind of way.
I can still do that now, but I’m a little more nervous about my back and stuff. Off to read Nicole’s fitness archives…
I was thinking about this recently! There’s definitely a guy I would have not been hung up on for most of the second half of high school/early college. But mostly I think I would have been smarter about job stuff, figuring out what I really wanted to do rather than just sort of floating through things, trying and discarding them. I wish I had more specialized skills! But then, I can’t quite figure out the job stuff NOW, so I’m not sure why I think 18 to 22-year-old me could have had a clue.
Also about 100% less body-image garbage.
I would have gone to drama school. I’m sure it would have gone horribly wrong though, so in that alternate universe I’d be saying “I would have done science” in this thread.
More sex with more people, a LOT less body-related insecurity (which prevented me from having sex), and in general a lot less concern about being the “good girl”/avoiding being a subject of gossip.
This. I had very low self-confidence (body confidence, really) in high school/early college (thanks Mom), and think things would have been pretty different if that one thing could change.
And I would have at least tried engineering in college. I didn’t even know what it was!
This makes me feel a lot better about outreach programs I’ve done where we go to middle/high schools and teach about engineering or do little projects with the students.
Let’s see,
1. become a feminist earlier (and be more interested in the world in general at a younger age/ find likeminded friends)
2. waste 100% less time worrying about how fat and ugly i was ( i try and remind myself i’ll probably feel like this about my current self too in 10 years)
3. actually try and date boys instead of being petrified of them and mooning over guys who would never like me while rejecting anyone remotely interested
4. gone to therapy earlier
5. not been such a goody-two-shoes in high school…why didn’t i realize it was the perfect time to stir up a little trouble?? when you start doing this sh*t in your 30s everyone is “worried”
6. Been more socially adventurous & outgoing in college, went to more parties, did more drugs, etc. sometimes i tell this to young people and i know it’s the “wrong” advice but honestly?? if you can stay on top of your schoolwork and experiment and enjoy the general lack of responsibility that comes with youth – DO IT. College is important but not the be-all end-all of life experience.
7. one thing I am so happy I did that I recommend any college students with the ability to do so pursue – study abroad!
Become a feminist earlier!!!!! My mom recently mentioned that I once told her I wasn’t a feminist at some point in high school and at first I was like SURELY NOT WHAT IS THIS SLANDER, buuuuuut probably she is right. ๐ ๐ ๐
Oh god, all of this and then some. I think I would have both stayed in college and gone to every party (instead of just the one toga party I was invited to while moving into my dorm), and not gone to college at all. But still gone to the parties.
What I’m trying to say is: fuck grad school.
Wow, are you me? I’m constantly afraid that I didn’t spend/am not spending my youthful years clubbing etc. I do wish I had socialized more in college. But I am coming to accept and welcome the fact that I like alcohol and dancing but I just hate loud, crowded bars and the like. I have gotten a lot of quality interactions out of the Toast, volunteering, and other satisfying activities without spending every weekend in a sardine can full of finance bros.
sardine can full of finance bros.
The mental image this is creating for me is truly wonderful.
I wish that in middle/high school I had not bought into the whole popular/nerds/jocks narrative that is always used in tv, movies, and books about high school. I think I missed out on making friends with certain people and having fun because I assumed people wouldn’t like me based on whatever group I thought they belonged to.
Honestly, I wouldn’t have done anything different for fear I would change my life as it is now, because my life is fucking awesome if you discount the whole autoimmune disease which was probably unavoidable anyway.
Edit: having re-read the other comments to this, I realize another reason I wouldn’t change anything is I basically fucked everyone I wanted to, did all the drugs I wanted to, drank to my heart’s content (if not my liver’s), and did pretty much whatever the fuck I wanted from about age 22 on. Soooooooooo…there’s that. On someone else’s comment on this week’s thread, they asked about how to deal with panic about whether to buy a house or not and I replied that I’ve lived my life preferring to regret the things I’ve done instead of the things I haven’t. Which means I’ve done a lot of things that could be regrettable? But I don’t regret them at all because now I can look back and think “awww yeahhhhhhh.”
You are my hero. And fuck autoimmune disease.
It’s great to have graduated to inspiration from merely serving as a warning to others.
I would have broken up with college boyfriends a lot sooner, hooked up with a guy when I was studying abroad (there was mutual attraction, I think) and definitely dated more women before settling down. And probably also tried to think a bit more constructively about career paths than sort of floating aimlessly for the ten years after grad school before I got into the sector I’m in now (and like).
I was a computer science major at University, but I was taking all sorts of liberal arts classes, including Russian language. I was in my 2nd year of Russian when I saw an ad in the college newspaper for people who wanted to spend a year in the Soviet Union. It called for people who spoke Russian pretty well. I started obsessing about the ad, I really wanted to go to the land of Dostoyevsky, Tolstoy, Rachmaninoff and Chekov, but I thought my language skills maybe weren’t up to par.
I mean, I was doing well in class. And I convinced myself I wouldn’t qualify for the program so I didn’t bother to apply.
Knowing what I know now, I *know* that you’re never hardly ever 100% ready for anything. You’re never perfectly this or that. Even if you’re 20% qualified for a job or some other opportunity, you should just go for it.
I should have just said ‘fuck it’ and applied for the Russian/Soviet thing. The worst that could happen was if I wasn’t qualified and couldn’t go.
I would just try more things.
(Besides which, I had a mother who was more like Stalin’s evil twin… so, I would have been pretty well psychologically ready for the Soviet state, LOL.)
This was good to read, I’m going through a bear of a job search now and all the job ads are “Are you a unicorn?” and I am at most, a horse.
Loving that illustration: unicorn/horse
Good luck!
And you have to ask yourself (I mean, I ask myself) if I want to be in a job where you don’t learn and grow. I mean, if you qualify 100% for something, are you really going to learn anything new? And if an employer only wants someone 100% qualified, is s/he looking *only* for a set of skills, or a real person who is curious and excited about learning new things?
I got my first job as a research scientist not because of my stellar grades (gpa 2.5 or something) or the internships I did (none), but because I could think on my feet. I was giving a presentation on some technical thing and found out from my future project manager about 10 minutes before the presentation began that I was wrong about one thing; and that one thing was 2/3s of the whole Thing. So when I got to that point, I just said, “hey, I was wrong about this, and this is how it really works.” That got me the job. It turns out that, in research, you’re wrong all the time, and you find out you’re wrong about 4 minutes before giving a presentation to your peers and you have to change what you’ll say on the spot.
The job description for my position didn’t have “give presentations and change them with little notice” listed.
Alternate-timeline me! I think about her a lot, because I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but also mostly like my life.
Alternate-timeline me should’ve go to college in NYC when she got a chance, instead of ending up in the tiny, boutique-y unchallenging school in a rural area that I actually went to.
If I’d been less bored and less trapped in a very tiny world, I think I would’ve rebelled against it less dramatically. I’d probably have kept my arrest record clean, or confined to noble, activist-type arrests only. I might have found drama and diversion somewhere other than selecting wildly inappropriate partners.
I regret not being kinder to most people, and not immediately disdainfully walking away from a few key others.
If science ever invents time travel and a cure for Boy Crazy, I will go back with a syringe of it and risk undermining the present as we know it.
This might not be a popular reply, but mine is to go back in time and NOT take birth control pills. They tanked my libido and made be groggy and depressed for a whole year. And it was my 24-25 year! I want it baaaack!!!! Think of all the extra banging I could have done, or at least enjoyed! *shudder*
Seconded. That’s a whole year of my life that I want back. I also would never have started taking my migraine pills, because they just cause more migraines and now I can’t stop taking them.
And I would have learned to swim earlier and never bought those boots that messed up my feet.
I wish that I’d been more proactive about getting summer jobs during college that weren’t AT college. I did study away during high school and college, and honestly I wish I could’ve done even more of that.
I chose the college I did because my dad is an alum and essentially forced me…I mostly loved it there, but he came to visit WAY too often and the constant threat of his disapproval kept me from doing, or even thinking, things that he wouldn’t like.
I just graduated, and I’ve realized that I’m way behind most of my peers in areas like “trusting my intuition” and “believing in my own capabilities.” Spending more time away from home earlier would’ve helped me develop as an individual. Fortunately, I’m starting a new job soon and moving out. Things are looking up.
I would absolutely refuse to go to university right after high school. I was not ready and had no idea what I wanted to study, but in my mother’s opinion it was the only path worth taking for someone with good grades. No other option was even discussed, so cue two years of wasted time and money. I think a year or two of work and part-time study would have been of much greater benefit to me (I was sixteen when I finished high school, and terribly naive from my sheltered upbringing).
Also, like others here, I would be less afraid of getting into trouble. I realize now that nothing I did (or could have done) in my youth was actually bad, just contrary to my mother’s very narrow view of how a ‘good girl’ behaves.
gonna go against the grain and use my time machine to say NO to the dumb partying/hook ups i did do (IF i can guarantee the end result still being my dude/current life)
because i thought believing other people should rock on with that stuff if they want to meant i HAD to do it even though i found all of it unpleasant in the extreme. and doing stuff you don’t really enjoy is lame.
I would have majored in a language as an undergraduate (I studied a bunch but did not major in them, and I had a miserable time trying to write my senior thesis in my actual major because my usual advisor was on sabbatical and the substitute was this narcissistic stoner dude). I would have spent time trying to cultivate my aesthetic in terms of dressing and decor, instead of being all, “yeah, I like that, but I don’t deserve it.” I was in the wrong place to cultivate life skills and taking-care-of-yourself skills (Seven Sisters place where they would not even give you advice on how to get a paid internship in the career office), but I wish I could have somehow gone back in time and taught myself how to eat well and sleep and write checks (instead of lurking in the college bookstore to see how other people did it) and not burn myself out studying as hard as I possibly could all the time. Above all, I wish I hadn’t spent so much time in relationships with narcissists, or pining after narcissists. With my upbringing, it was probably inevitable, but it kind of amazes me how out-of-touch I was with myself and my own needs, and how my parents kind of gleefully sent me off into the world not even knowing how to cross the street because they were hoping I’d end up living under a bridge somewhere and justify their predictions for me. Basically, if I could, I would totally parent myself! (Sorry, this is kind of a downer comment and not funny at all.)
http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&am…
I used to say I’d have more fun in high school, but it turns out I don’t… like fun?
Shit no, I would have tried to make friends with the girls who I thought were kind and cool in high school, instead of waiting until college and spending high school with only male friends. What was I thinking? Those women are fantastic now!
Anyone want to discuss this week’s Ask Polly column? Anyone?? http://nymag.com/thecut/2014/09/ask-polly-i-hate-…
Some charming folks in the comments, as usual…
Yiiiiiikes that hit a little too close to home for me. I’m not a lawyer (I wish I made that much money!) but I have similar feelings about my job and I am a masterful fake and I have no idea what I want in life so I’m hanging onto my job because it provides a certain standard of living. :/
Yeah… I only started in January, and I like my job (I’m not a lawyer, but something sorta similar), but I could easily see myself turning into this a few years down the road. Already I procrastinate too much and then have to rush, which makes me feel like crap. Polly’s advice is good to keep in mind: beating yourself up doesn’t actually help, just makes the procrastinatory circle worse.
All I have to say about that is OOOOOOOOOOOOF. I saw a lot of myself in that letter. :/
It came very close to home for me – in superficial details (lawyer), as well as Polly’s deductions about the LW, like this:
“You write, ‘I was a gifted kid, and have always been lazy. I’m really smart, I’m really good under pressure, but I really don’t like to put effort into things.’ This is your parents talking. Your parents projected their desires onto you. They expected you to get good grades and get into a good college and then go to a good law school, because they were worried about you. You were smart, but you weren’t necessarily buying into their vision of the world. You were a fucking bunny rabbit, and every time you took a second to nibble on a tiny little carrot, your parents said, ‘SERIOUSLY DO YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN IF YOU FUCK ABOUT WITH CARROTS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?’ and they said, ‘YOU KNOW WHO’S ALSO INTO CARROTS? THE HALF-WITTED WANKER WHO MANS THE DEEP FAT FRYER DOWN THE STREET.'”
Does everybody else feel like they were overly criticized as a child? My parents still do this to me, and I’m well into my second decade as an adult.
And I love Polly’s advice (as usual), but it’s SO HARD to devote energy to figuring out what you’re passionate about when you’re already putting so much energy into a 60+ hr/week job + feeling terrible about not doing enough at your 60+ hr/week job.
The comments about ADD/ADHD are interesting. It never occurred to me that that might be applicable to me – I procrastinate a lot, but I’m also capable of extreme focus once something flips in my brain and it decides something is important (I don’t seem to have much control over when this occurs).
You know, I read something else about ADD/ADHD recently that made me wonder if I have some form of it, too. I am capable of champion-league procrastination and fucking around, and other times I can zone out on projects and go for hours. I don’t really know how to go about figuring any of it out, though…
I have that too, but I don’t think it’s ADD. I think it’s just that a lot of projects/work are terrible/boring and so there’s no incentive to work on them until the deadline is rightthere.. Also, there’s been a lot of studies done about how the internet/multitasking have made our attention spans worse. I think that’s definitely the case for me, as I concentrated a lot better on stuff prior to always having a smartphone/gchat around etc.
Yeah, I definitely feel like… not exactly that I was overly criticized, but that my parents had a very clear idea of what was good or bad to do/be, and I was a very timid, anxious, authority-sensitive kid, so I really bought into the idea that I HAD to get straight A’s and follow all the rules because my worth as a human depended on it. And it followed that because I did these things, I was better than other people, and hey, great way to really fuck up your kid’s idea of how society works and her place in it and her ability to form meaningful relationships with others (not to mention make her high school years dead boring). But I got into a great college, so.
I could have written this exact comment.
I once pointed out to my mother that she very rarely told me she was proud of me or congratulated me for my accomplishments, and she was genuinely surprised that this bothered me. “Of course I’ve always been proud of you! I thought you knew.” How the hell was I supposed to know? How is an anxious, un-self-confident child supposed to divine that “I suppose this will do, but you could have done better” secretly meant “Good job! What a great kid you are”?
YES. I think my dad must have praised me at some point, but the only response I can remember from him is “I expected you to do that, of course you did [got straight As, or whatever accomplishment I wanted him to be excited about].”
Are all three of you me?
I worked so hard in school (really since 4th grade) and was a total perfectionist, but I have no idea how to translate those skills into a real-world job. Especially because I always rationalized spending all that time studying and doing homework by the idea that at some point I would be able to stop and actually enjoy life. Like, if I got enough good grades, I would finally “win” and everything would be okay.
Yeah, this. I could have stood to figure out much sooner that school is a game that eventually ends, and that the mapping of “good at school” onto “good at what comes next” is not as straightforward as they would lead you to believe.
yep.
This is so, SO close to my experience. It took me so long to realize that I’m allowed to feel angry at my parents for this. Yes, they were very good parents in almost all respects, but if it is clear that your child is sensitive and terrified of ever making a mistake, try to model behaviors like bouncing back from failure and not sweating the small stuff instead of taking the approach of “you know you can do better, how can we prevent this next time?” Kids like us punish themselves enough; strict discipline isn’t necessary.
Oh man this totally brought up a memory of throwing away a math assignment I had misunderstood and done badly on — in, like, first or second grade. My parents found it in the trash can and I got in a whole lot of trouble. Or maybe I only got in a little trouble. I don’t specifically remember, and my child-self would have probably gauged both the same way, anyway. All I can be sure of is that the lesson was “you messed up and then you made it even worse,” not “bounce back” or “don’t sweat the small stuff” or “let’s talk about why you think you need to hide this from us,” and thus my suffering and shame were intensified.
I’m kind of angry at my parents, but I also kind of feel bad for them, because I don’t think they had any idea how hard I took everything.
I had so many similar experiences. The saddest part of this anecdote is that you throwing away the assignment was motivated by shame. Clearly you were already ashamed of the grade you got, so your parents’ response was just piling on. (With the added punishment that now you are so ashamed of your bad grade, you may not even try to learn the subject matter correctly because you are ashamed that you couldn’t master it perfectly the first time.)
Have you ever read anything by Brene Brown? Her work on shame and vulnerability really helped me make some of these realizations and try to stop beating myself up.
Thanks for your kind response – it’s nice to be able to discuss this with people who understand. I have been working through a lot of this stuff recently, including with a life coach who worked with me a lot on my tendency to classify everything I think/do/feel as “good” or “bad.” (This seemed like such a natural way of being to me that it still seems a little bit crazy to assert that I don’t have to do that!) She had me read some Brene Brown, which was helpful. I feel like I’m in a pretty good place now – to the extent that I’m much more cognizant of these tendencies and can start addressing them – and I hope you are, too.
Thank you for talking about this–I don’t think I realized until I read this post that there might be an alternative to classifying everything I think/do/feel as “good” or “bad.”
Brene Brown is brilliant. I have The Power of Vulnerability on my phone – it’s the audio of Brene giving a series of talks to an audience, and it brings me to tears every time I listen to it (which is often).
I had not realized that I was overly criticized as a child until I read that passage. Now I have a lot to talk about in therapy next week.
You know, I actually super identify with the “gifted but lazy” thing the letter-writer describes, but I really don’t feel like I got much criticism from my parents. If I had written that letter, I would have been kind of annoyed that Polly assigns it all to my parents, who were pretty supportive of my weirdness and didn’t really pressure me to do much of anything (besides major in something other than theatre, which ha ha joke’s on them because now I work in theatre).
Maybe I just have a skewed perspective because if the economy hadn’t tanked right as I graduated from law school, this would have been me hating my high-paying lawyer job and I’m glad it’s not. Thanks economy!
Same here–my parents definitely wanted me to work harder but I don’t feel overly criticized at all.
Yeah, so much of that letter could have been written by me (except the making good money part). I like my job and almost everybody thinks I’m good at it because I am good at the performative aspects, while being blazingly adequate with the administrative, clerky stuff. And I procrastinate like hell (exhibit A: I am typing this on my work computer). But my parents didn’t pressure me. They were supportive & never gave me shit when I got bad grades. So I guess I’m just an asshole?
No, not an asshole. We Toastfolk like you, and it has nothing to do with how you do your job.
Thanks! Sorry, that came across as more self-pitying than it meant to, I think. But yeah, that this letter was written by a Toastie & so many are feeling they could have written it, backs up my feeling that The Toast is My People.
This letter made me re-think the “gifted but lazy” label I’ve always applied to myself. Because really, how is it fair to say that gifted kids are lazy because they don’t feel like performing three grades higher than their peers? “Oh, but you’re not fulfilling your potential!” No, school, fuck you. I’m sure I could be really good at [subject], but I’m not passionate about it. I’ll be good at something else, I promise, but it’s not like I chose what my brain would process easily. We keep taking people who happen to have innate abilities in, like, 5 subjects, and we decide that those are the only 5 subjects that matter; people who could excel in those subjects, but whose preferences lie elsewhere, are clearly just too lazy to perform to their “full potential.”
Seriously, “full potential” is a phrase I hope never to hear again, because it makes me feel like a depressed teenager all over again.
You are so right. Really Good At X does not equal Enjoys X.
Also, there’s a good chance there are plenty of people who both enjoy and are good at X. We don’t all have to be relentlessly good at everything; the world won’t stop turning if there are people who don’t explore the full potential of their calculus abilities.
so yes for me. In the “gifted program”, I was ‘the smart one’ etc, one of their favorites was ” you are doing so well now, imagine if you actually put some work in to this!” Ugh. I feel I was overly criticized as a child and this definitely continues to this day (I’m in my early 30s)
Oh my god, that’s almost word-for-word what my parents used to (and still do!) tell me about my own accomplishments. “Imagine how much better you’ll do NEXT time!”
This is probably weird, but as a similarly gifted/lazy kid, I feel like I was UNDER-criticized. My parents let me pursue whatever I wanted without comment. I never felt pressure to do what they wanted because I honestly had no idea if they even had a preference. When it was time to go to college, my dad’s family (who are all doctors or medical professionals) tried to pressure me into going to medical school. But my dad said, “Do what you want!” so I did.
And yet here I am, in the same boat. Stuck in a job – a least a job I like, though one I am profoundly dispassionate about – to pay off student loans for two stupid degrees. (And even so, one of my asshole lenders hit me with a summons this morning, thanks a lot!) Not working in my field – I have a master’s in music and I am working as an IT manager with literally no formal training. My passions simply don’t convert into financial support, or at least I haven’t found a meaningful way to support myself through them, so they get pushed to the side. Cue the loathing of self and capitalism.
This was my letter, and that was the only part of Polly’s answer that wasn’t entirely accurate and dead fucking on. (I was the captain of the beer chugging team in undergrad, and am a paralyzingly sensitive soul under all my swagger.)
I don’t feel like was overly criticised, but I feel like I was really really *pushed* all the time as a child. If I nibbled a carrot, my parents would be like “CARROTS GREAT YOU WILL BE THE BEST CARROT NIBBLER THERE WAS AND HERE IS A BOOK ABOUT RENEE CARROTING, WHO MADE A GLAMOROUS CAREER OUT OF CARROTS NOW GO PRACTICE YOUR CARROTS WE HAVE SIGNED YOU UP FOR A CARROT RECITAL” and I would be like “oh well, I’m not sure I actually like carrots but I guess I’m good at them so…” and that happened over and over again and I became a person who didn’t know WHAT she liked other than praise. I really really like praise. But praise is just no longer enough, because of course it isn’t. And now I am stuck in a position that I got to by chasing praise.
My parents also cannot condone me being unhappy. My stepmom is the biggest gas-lighter ever (she will actually tell me that I am wrong about my feelings, like “No, you do not feel that way”) but my mom is actually quite a bit like that too about me being unhappy or unfulfilled. “But you LOVE going to court! It must be so exciting” I am not allowed to say that my job is stressful or that I don’t like it, and that part is hard. And I never was, about all of my myriad activities as a child. There is a running joke about me among my friends that I am a Tenenbaum because I did all these various activities as a kid, like show jumping, and symphony, and synchronized swimming. And whatever. And I never really liked any of them that much, or if I did, that liking was quickly obliterated by pressure and praise.
I felt that pushing from my parents a bit too. Not that they dreamed of glitz and glory for me (in fact, quite the opposite) but everything I tried for fun or expressed interest in, I had to be the most committed kid on the team, I had to take outside lessons, I could never just do something casually for my own enjoyment. Even now that I have a career, every time I take a class or try a new skill just to enrich myself and test my limits, my parents ask “So how’s that going to help you get where you want to go? What’s the next step?” and I’m like….there is no next step. I’m just doing it to do it.
This is exactly the way my parents treat me and my sibling. Extra emphasis on denying our feelings and saying that our feelings are wrong. I feel for you, and I hope you have the luxuries of time and resources to figure out who you are and what you actually want.
I don’t think it’s possible for me to be 60 hours a week passionate about my job. I actually really enjoy it at 40 hours a week. I’d probably love it at 32 hours a week. When we get into the 50+ hours a week times, I am…less than in love with my job. And I get paid overtime.
My job is something that, if not my “true passion” is something I truly enjoy doing, that I find interesting and challenging and on the whole pretty rewarding. But not 60 hours a week rewarding. I’m not really convinced that any job is really rewarding at 60+ hours a week. Assuming that you have interests in, say, hobbies, other people, exercise, meals, sleep…all those human things.
Honestly, I don’t want my job to be my True Passion. Because then I’ll be tempted to take it home, and then it’ll eat my life, and then I’ll stop loving it. Work is what I do to pay for the rest of my life. I enjoy it, but I’m not willing to give it more than 32 hours a week of my time; I do things I passionately enjoy in my free time.
*nervous, shifty eyes* All the people talking about ADD in the comments… has anyone over here had similar experiences? Because I definitely get the anxiety/laziness dichotomy that a lot of people are mentioning in that context…
A friend of mine recently suggested I had ADD, because a lot of the way I behave is very ADD. I put things down and forget where they are, because my brain can’t hold on to them, I have to listen to music or watch TV while I work or I can’t concentrate, I am forgetful, I don’t bother to work at things that don’t come easily to me, I lose track of projects fast…
And I thought I was just unmotivated?
But there’s almost no adult diagnosis track where I am, so if I am it’ll forever go undiagnosed.
Those responses got me thinking, too. Except I feel like I’m not bad enough for it to be ADD. I mean, I have trouble concentrating at my job, but when it’s crunch-time or I’m reading a book or whatever I can concentrate fine. And I’m messy and introverted and disorganized, but I’ve never lost my keys in the fridge and my phone in my shoe and I’m never 3 hours late to things like the writer of the ADHD in Women article one of the commenters linked to. Like, I’m still less messy than most of the men I’ve lived with, even if I’m messier than most of the women, and I’m far from the only person who tends to run 10-15 minutes late. I wonder how much of my identifying with those descriptions is just a response to the high expectations that women can juggle 10 balls at once and not drop things and I’d love it if there was a medication that would let me do that, and how much is that there’s actually something wrong with me.
“I wonder how much of my identifying with those descriptions is just a response to the high expectations that women can juggle 10 balls at once and not drop things”
That’s a good point. Like, the anxiety/laziness thing is something that affects and distresses me, but I do still get things done, and I’m not anywhere near as bad as the woman in that same article that you’re referring to.
*elaborate shrug of complete confusion*
I’m a lady in my late 20’s, and this letter made me cry at my desk where I was being lazy/bored/anxious all at once, it hit me so hard. My therapist (after working me through major depression like I was a cornered raccoon for almost a year) has been slowly acclimatizing me to the idea that I might have ADHD. The lack of focus, hyperfocus, a restless conviction of always underachieving, this same kind of intense dissatisfaction with my job, but also with all my hobbies, I’ve been told this is all part of that deal/diagnosis.
I was a dick though, and argued with her from my ugliest place: “But I am crazy smart, I’m a good listener, I can think like 10 different things at once and not lose the plot on any of them. That is superior brain function, not a liability. I’m Gifted/Talented, not Special Ed.” She didn’t hit me, though I would have super deserved it, because it turns out my wonderful, calm and patient PsyD with a great family and a life she loves therapist was diagnosed when she was 8. Supposedly, women who are smart and work hard do fine then hit a wall, like the LW or the commentors say.
haven’t read it, am afraid will start crying.
OK, I’m only halfway through, but I’m in awe of how quickly Polly has taken me from agreeing with the assessment that the letter has “a lot of entitlement and carelessness embedded in it” to completely feeling sympathy with “You aren’t lazy. You know what you are? You’re obsessed with leisure, because you’re always doing something that someone ELSE wants you to do, and you’re never doing something that you really want to do.” That was a swift 180, and Polly is amazing, and this is a little too close to home.
And now I have finished and still love Polly’s response, but am particularly caught by this: “You’re anxious and you hate your work, but you have to keep working and pulling down the tall dollars, why? Because that way you can live in the future instead of the present.” I get what she’s saying, and it sounds like the LW really does need to stop and think about what her future is going to look like, but does it really work to *not* live in the future to some extent? Isn’t that how we build a future for ourselves?
I think it says bad things about our cultural priorities that “I want to have a family and a garden and time to relax and be happy” is something that could ever be a shameful admission.
I by no means have money or am in love, but the procrastinating endlessly at work while simultaneously feeling incredibly anxious about it really spoke to me (she said as she ignored a looming deadline to write comments on the toast….). The numerous comments about ADD reinforced my thoughts based on previous readings that there is a high likelihood that is the underlying source of many of my issues, but the one time i pursued trying to get treatment for it i was shot down kind of brutally and it’s made me nervous ever since. I’ve also struggled with substance abuse issues and this seems to make everyone extremely wary of prescribing me with any drugs. If anyone had a similar experience or can recommend a dr. in NYC who won’t make me feel like i’m trolling for adderall, I would be very appreciated!
and not to hijack this thread, I love Polly!
“procrastinating endlessly at work while simultaneously feeling incredibly anxious about it”
Yeah, this spoke to me, too. A former co-worker of mine (who was also often lazy) once said that procrastination is often rooted in fear. You’re afraid, for whatever reason, to do something (I find it’s because I usually don’t fully understand how to do it, and so become paralyzed) and then the more time that passes without doing it, the worse the fear gets. I spend more time dreading doing something than actually just doing it. But I think about his words a lot and it helps me get shit done. Eventually.
It’s a fear of failure! This is apparently super common in type-A people (like me! yay!). The anxiety of doing something wrong (or just not-perfect) paralyzes you, you procrastinate, thereby making yourself more anxious, and it just continues to spiral. Honestly some of the only times I can get past this is when I’m actually too busy to even get anxious. Having time to think is a death knell to productivity for me.
This describes me EXACTLY. “I spend more time dreading doing something than actually just doing it” is me all the time. I don’t know what I’m so afraid of but I think that if I can figure that out, it will help me a lot.
There’s also the fact that failing because you didn’t try can be much less frightening than failing because you tried and just weren’t good enough.
This is about a hundred years late, but my mom, a lot of her siblings (maybe all?) and my sister have ADD and my understanding is that it’s very common for people with ADD to self medicate because you’re trying to get your brain to do what it can’t. My mom smokes fewer cigarettes now that she takes Adderall, and my sister quit cigarettes entirely and uses less weed than she used to now that she’s on meds. Substance abuse issues can actually be part of the symptoms of ADD, and I’m sorry that you’ve been stonewalled getting the help you need.
That letter is me all over, including in choice of profession! And to the sub-threads above, I have a strong suspicion that I do have something like ADD, and I have some sense that it could maybe be fixed or mitigated with a magic pill, but I haven’t bothered to get on that because a) hello, professional procrastinator, b) I hear things about how medication can change your personality or the way you interact with your loved ones, and I don’t want that, c) it would require being more honest, for a more sustained period, about the nature of the problem than I feel like being.
Also, I’m incredibly jealous of people who can just decide to work on something and then work on it without screwing around. That literally feels like a superpower to me.
YOU GUYS. That’s my letter. I cried.
Two things:
1. The day that I was published I went home (after book club! Hahaha) and burst into tears on my boyfriend’s chest and was like “what if I quit my job then what will we dooooooo? wah wah wah” and he was like “honey! If you quit your job we will be fine and figure it out but you will definitely have to buy less cheese” which was nice and also accurate. By the way, he does have a job he just makes like 40% of what I do and I will continue to make more and more money and he probably won’t.
2. I just made an appointment to get a referral to a psychiatrist to be assessed for ADD. I have actually thought this before but was very very resistant to medication and so saw some kind of existentialist counsellor who didn’t really help and I felt like was more money than I wanted to spend.
I talked to two well-meaning mental health professionals (one in law school, one while clerking) who had some constructive suggestions about how to set smaller goals, not get sucked into shame spirals, break things up, etc. It was all great advice and I successfully implemented it for like a morning, or maybe two days at the limit. Nope. Need magic pills.
Oh ME TOO. My brain and it’s vagaries are TOO STRONG for my pathetic attempts to control it.
I feel super strongly that the internet/phone culture is a big part of my problem. Every time my mind wanders, I can get a hit just by looking at my phone. Not only does my mind wander, it is rewarded for doing so. I don’t know what to do about that. Throw away my precious phone?
<3 It’s really telling that so many of us saw ourselves in your letter–I sure did! I would love to hear how it goes.
Oh man, congrats on getting an amazing Polly letter (which was incredibly moving and helpful to me, a stranger, which, thanks?), and you’re being super proactive and great and dude sounds rad and just seriously, listen to Polly but also maybe do some CBT? (I brought my Polly letter to therapy and now we are both super into Polly.)
Thank you so much for writing this letter because I saw so much of myself in it and I needed to hear Polly’s advice.
I also had the issue where I did well at school without trying and for so long I thought it was because I never learned to try that now I am so lazy and I am also paralysed by anxiety about how lazy I am and I always thought that there was something wrong with *me* and it never occured to me that I behave this way because Im so goddam unhappy.
I think I need to make some changes, and I dont know what they are but I really believe that I (and from your letter, you too) will be completely different people if we could find somewhere where we would thrive. This is very cheesy, but all the best to you!
I probably shouldn’t be at all surprised by this, but I love how much this discussion is revealing that other people who also spend a lot of time commenting on The Toast are just like me (and the Ask Polly LW).
I honestly thought everyone I like and respect – friends, coworkers, smart Toast commenters – was super good at Having An Office Job and I was the only one who struggled to pay attention/not to phone it in.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome
I’ve stopped thinking I’m the only person who feels this way; I’ve been through grad school, and hang out with current grad students. Everybody thinks they suck at everything.
Vancouver/BC-in-general Toastfolk! Just a tiny reminder to find me on twitter (@ kiranmartin) so that we can do some more Organizing of Fun Things At Various Times In The Year, Not Just During Special Mallory Visits.
(not that I need to continue being the organizer person but just trying to get things rolling)
I don’t comment much and I didn’t make it out to the Special Mallory Visit, but I’m in Vancouver and I would totally be interested in fun things! I’m @ regular_things on the tweeter.
Will do!
1. MALLORY in my city, and I didn’t know?? *(steps aside to perform ablutions)
2. I’m not on Twitter but I will keep an eye on threads for events, for I should very much like to meet you & other Vancouver Toast peoples!
(FYI, this weekend is replete with great happenings, including the Accordion Noir Festival, most of which takes place at the Russian Hall in Strathcona! I will be the Lady in the Russet Felt Hat ๐ )
Alternatively people can nab me on gmail, tindomiel there and I will do my best to remember to circulate details to you!! ๐
I’m going to a sixtieth birthday party this weekend. What was your best birthday? Where did you go / what did you do?
My favorite birthday party (I think it was actually my 21st birthday) involved a hilarious scavenger hunt, where the clues were locations, and at each location was a person. After picking everyone up one by one in my roommate’s enormous SUV, we went and grabbed some dinner, then headed back to our place and watched movies all night. It was awesome and laid back.
That sounds terrific!
My best birthday party was my 40th. I held a massive dance party. Over 50 people showed up, a friend made me Guinness chocolate cake with Bailey’s Irish Cream ganache, nobody barfed on my floor, and it was perfect.
My best was my 21st. I had a Halloween-In-April costume party. Well over 50 people showed up to my apartment over the course of the night, including a bunch of friends from out of town, my mom and step-dad (also from out of town), and one of my former professors. The out of town friends stayed overnight and helped clean up in the morning. My boyfriend at the time and I dressed as the Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend from The Venture Bros.
My personal best was probably my 6th. I had an awesome cake with a pegasus on it, got a Bryer horse Arabian family set, and my mom and Grandma took me to see Phantom of the Opera because I was already starting in on Andrew Lloyd Webber and Sondheim when I was 5. It just got better and better. Not too fussed that I peaked early either.
My 25th was pretty good; a college friend came to spend the weekend, I went to drag brunch with a bunch of different people and I got proposed to (long distance).
But my 30th…I got to see Ian McKellan and Patrick Stewart in Waiting for Godot in one of my favourite cities in the world, then spent the following week in the Highlands and the Isle of Skye. It was pretty awesome.
So many good questions on OT this week! My best was 25. I had just started dating my now husband and he was going to be out-of-town for my birthday. I decided I’d have a fabulous time anyway, so I bought a retro red dress with tiny black dots and crinoline and I looked great. Dinner with my family, they accompanied me to a bar where all my friends were waiting and SURPRISE! New boyfriend had flown home early to be there! Genuine shock and awe. Awkwardness ensued when I had to unexpectedly introduce him to my folks, but talk about a good first impression! My friends’ band played and they had everyone wish me happy birthday and I felt so loved and it was awesome.
My 13th ish? Maybe 14th? Not totally sure on the year. I had two of my best friends over for a sleepover and then it snowed 5 feet and because my mom is awesome we were fully stocked with all the pancakes and frozen fruit and whipped cream and bacon we could ever need and we jumped off the garage roof into a giant pile of snow and got yelled at and my friends got to stay an extra day because the plows couldn’t get through. Oh, and then we got that Monday off school even though all the roads were clear. Total birthday win.
Toasties, I had to share this piece of wonderful book news, because it made my heart sing: Ursula K. LeGuin just won The National Book Foundation’s Medal for Distinguished Contribution to American Letters. It’s a lifetime achievement award, and it will be presented to her by Neil Gaiman in November. Let us bask in her awesomeness.
I adore her work, and have recently just managed to steer an otherwise dude-bro-sci-fi reading friend towards her stuff with some success. She made such an impact on me as a teen when I started really reading fantasy/sci-fi, and her stuff continues to stick with me now.
So tell me, Toasties Of a Certain Persuasion, who are some of your favorite sci-fi/fantasy authors and why?
That’s wonderful. This morning I was debating between The Left Hand of Darkness and Oryx and Crake and I ended up grabbing Oryx and Crake. Now I wish I’d gone the other way because that would have been a nice coincidence. Oh well, I’ll just make sure to read it next.
Madeleine L’Engle, Madeleine L’Engle, Madeleine L’Engle.
That is all. I mean, not really, but…Madeleine L’Engle.
She’s more of a young person/YA author, but Patricia C. Wrede’s Enchanted Forest Chronicles taught me that princesses can be badass and fairy tale tropes can be satirized, and my world exploded with color.
I found out that Wrede was an alumna of my college after I’d already been accepted, and it was a deciding factor in choosing to go there. (And Reader, it was an /excellent/ choice, Carleton College pretty much is a haven of the sort of badass practicality and humor you find in the Enchanted Forest Chronicles and I highly recommend it.)
And have you read Pamela Dean’s _Tam Lin_ and if so, what did you think? ๐
So, here’s the thing: I was never able to get over how absolutely unhappy all of the characters seemed in that book. It’s been a long time since I read it and possibly I would see it differently on a reread, but it seemed like the main characters ended up just spending all their time with the same small group of people that they had ended up with by chance when they got to college, people that they didn’t really have that much in common with and didn’t enjoy, and they just seemed kind of cut off from the rest of the school and trapped in a tiny little pocket-world of misery. I loved seeing many Carleton traditions throughout the book (and the traditions that aren’t actually Carleton traditions but _should_ be), but I just kept feeling really sad for the characters.
(And yes, of COURSE I expect all Carleton alums to have the same warm and fuzzy feelings about Carleton that I do and exactly the same perspective as to what the school’s personality was like, regardless of social group, decade of attendance, or encounters with predatory supernatural beings, why do you ask?)
I did end up buying a copy of the book that has a photo of campus with bizarrely photoshopped faeries on the front. Glowing green faeries! Over Lyman Lakes! That cover is GOLD: https://d.gr-assets.com/books/1388351951l/51106.j…
My mind is blown in the best possible way, because when we were in high school we read that book so many times that we have some pieces of it memorised, and yet it had never occured to me (or any of us I think ) NOT ONCE how weird it is that Janet never makes any friends outside that initial group or otherwise has meaningful connections with people. Or that they were unhappy! I mean I am not sure if I agree they were, Molly seemed mostly very happy a lot of the time, but … wow, now I want to go reread it and see how it looks all these years later.
I really like many things about Dean’s writing but she has terrible problems with plot so I cannot exactly recommend her books to anyone because they go really nicely with lots of obscure bits and subtle nuance and quotes (LOTS of quotes) and then suddenly go off the rails at the end. Almost every time!
My impression is that she does love Carleton and stuff, too, so… wow. Neat.
I read the novel in my senior year of high school when college was at the forefront of my mind, so my impression of it may have been overly influenced by the fact that this wasn’t how I wanted *my* college experience to go. I’m also more open to books that are not purely happy escapism now than I was then, so I should really give it another shot sometime. And Dean is certainly not the only author that has her characters interact with a very small group of people to limit the number of characters she has to flesh out! I’m always impressed when authors manage to do otherwise, it’s difficult to drop in enough incidental detail to create a rich background of people and places.
Alas, plot. That is always a problem. I have similar issues with Carolyn Stevermer’s A College of Magics – have you read it? The magical university at the beginning is wonderful and has always made me want to go to school there and hang out with the protagonist’s friends, but the plot ends up going in some very strange directions. (And since we started out talking about Wrede, if you haven’t read Wrede and Stevermer’s letters-game-turned-novel, Sorcery and Cecelia, you should track it down.)
I don’t think I’ve read _A College of Magics_ (I think we own it though so I could change that!) although I have read _Sorcery and Cecelia_ and a lot of Wrede’s stand-alone stuff. I remember really loving Stevermer’s _When the King Comes Home_ but it was a long time ago and I don’t remember it very well. It is on the stack of things to reread!
What did you think of the sequels to S&C? I did not like them as much but I think that is because the whole Regency thing was really new to us (we had mostly read very standard epic fantasy and some uncategorisable weird stuff up to then) and so S&C seemed totally unlike anything else we’d read, but that was 20 years ago and epistolary novels and Regency fantasy-romances aren’t groundbreaking.
I inhaled every Patricia C. Wrede book I could get my hands on from, like, elementary school through middle school. A lot of her older stuff – classic 80s fantasy, with a lot of badass lady characters – is now getting republished as YA, but it wasn’t necessarily written that way originally, just that that’s where it fits now. Everyone should read Caught in Crystal: middle-aged tavern keeper single mom saves the world.
WHAT WHAT adding to wish list immediately
Hurrah! Ursula K. LeGuin is one of my favorite authors; “A Wizard of Earthsea” was genuinely life-changing for me as a tyke.
I recently reread “A Canticle for Leibowitz”, which is excellent and criminally underread.
If you are going to read Heinlein (note: I love Heinlein; this may be a moral failing on my part), skip “Stranger in a Strange Land” and read “The Moon is a Harsh Mistress” instead.
James Tiptree, Jr./Alice Sheldon/Raccoona Sheldon is a very interesting author, and some of her work is available online — The Screwfly Solution and The Women Men Don’t See. (A quick side note — “The Screwfly Solution” has a lot of violence against women, so tread carefully)
I hate Heinlein but I love The Moon is a Harsh Mistress, so I think this is a sound recommendation.
Heh, perhaps a more accurate thing to say is, “I love some Heinlein, and avoid the time-traveling incest Lazarus Long nonsense, because really I just want to read about dopey boy scouts going on exciting space adventures”.
Seconded, on both counts!
I LOVE A CANTICLE FOR LEIBOWITZ it’s amazing I’ve owned like three copies
What book of hers would you recommend for someone who’s new to her work? I’ve been meaning to check out her work.
In fact if anyone has any recommendations for lady sci-fi authors let me know!
It’s actually a short story, but the first thing of Le Guin’s I read was “The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas”, and it rocked my world. Here’s a link to both a text version and an audio one: http://readingintheafternoons.blogspot.com/2013/0…
I will always and forever recommend A Wizard of Earthsea, even though it’s considered a YA book now. Excellent world-building, and main character you’re not sure you like all the time.
The Left Hand of Darkness is technically part of a series, but I think it stands on its own really well, and is a much more adult book. It deals with really interesting ideas about sexuality and gender, so that’s a top recommendation for her, too.
Margaret Atwood does some cool sci-fi things, too. Someone mentioned Oryx and Crake abovethread, which I haven’t read, but I’ve heard it’s marvellous.
It sort of hurts my brain to think of A Wizard of Earthsea as a YA even though I did read it when I was really young. And I have not reread it since, which I think I ought to change!
I love “Dancing at the Edge of the World,” which is technically a book of essays, not fiction, but it’s delightful and magical and a wonderful read. LeGuin’s fiction is fantastic, but I love her essays even more.
Definitely the Earthsea series. Other women scifi authors: Ancillary Justice by Ann Leckie was fantastic. Also Octavia E. Butler! Pretty much everything she wrote. The Doomsday Book by Connie Willis. Elizabeth Bear.
I’m reading Ancillary Justice right now and I want to just take the rest of the day off and finish the book, because I need to know what happens.
Jo Walton writes very good fantasy novels which are not anything like A Game of Thrones. Actually I like everything she has written except her alternate-history fascist Britain ones which I thought were awful but I was clearly in the minority since they won lots of awards and stuff. If you have not read Among Others I recommend it as a good place to start.
ROSEMARY KIRSTEIN everyone should read her amazing series! It is science fiction in which the science is someone applying the scientific method to a fantasy world. It is marvelous and all about the women. The books might be hard to find now, I’m not sure; the first one is _The Steerswoman_.
Nicola Griffith has probably received a lot of discussion here for _Hild_ but all of her books that I have read are very excellent.
Lois McMaster Bujold has written many many things, her long-running space opera series about Miles Vorkosigan (who is arguably coded as female despite being ostensibly male) has some very good books in it, as well as some fun romps. The Curse of Chalion is probably my favourite thing of hers though and a good place to start.
YA spec-fic authors: Brenna Yovanoff (Paper Valentine is the best IMO), Maggie Stiefvater (OMG The Raven Boys), Alaya Dawn Johnson (The Summer Prince, flawed but very good anyway).
Bryn, you and I clearly have similar tastes and I’m now adding everything on your list that I haven’t read to my Goodreads queue. Have you read any of Robin McKinley’s fantasy novels? I’m particularly a fan of her Damar books and her fairy-tale retellings, but pretty much everything by her is lovely.
Now I want to know which ones you hadn’t read yet!
I like Robin McKinley very much although I think she has several books out I have not read. When we were in elementary school we got The Hero and the Crown through Scholastic Book orders and read it literally to pieces. I like the fairy tale retellings too (well, Beauty and Rose Daughter, I think I read one of the more recent ones but I do not remember it as well).
Does any of my fellow Toasties do the thing where they discover an author or a band, devour all existing material, and then forget they exist for 10 years and are one day shocked to discover that the artist has been producing new work? But no matter how wonderful that work is, it’s always that NEW work by them? Or is this a dissociative thing? ๐ In my brain McKinley has written 5 books and then there are all hew NEW books. Same thing with Patricia McKillip and Depeche Mode and oh lots of other people who create things. It is a little irritating because it means I really do forget that authors I read KEEP WRITING.
vorsoisson (a lovely username!), please share any recs you have in return!
If you loved the Hero and the Crown, you should make sure that you read the Water collection that she wrote with her husband. There’s a short story in it that takes place in the same world as The Hero and the Crown, several hundred years later in what is clearly that world’s equivalent of modern England, in which a young woman who is dissatisfied with her life manages to travel back to Aerin’s Damar and chooses to live out her life there instead. I am perhaps overly envious of this character.
Rosemary Kiersten is entirely new to me, and sounds delightful! I’m definitely going to track some of her books down.
I will definitely have to look for that! Although I admit that any story which has a female someone going back to the past to live out their lives gives me immediate hives because *birth control* and *not dying in childbirth* and all of that stuff. Although at least Damar had magic!
Rosemary Kirstein’s books are now available in e-format for Kindle! I am so thrilled except for having to re-read them on my phone.
Co-sign on Walton and Griffith and Bujold. Have you read Walton’s new book My Real Children? I was straight up bawling by the end.
Seconding the straight up bawling. Was also amazed at what she managed to do with the trajectories of the story. Parts of one storyline were so claustrophobic I kept having to walk around the room to get away from it while I was reading it. Loved it all in the end.
If it’s the part I’m thinking about – claustrophobic is a good way to put it, I kept going “nonononono” while reading. But despite that, how many good things came about and what a good life she eventually created!
It’s funny how in the past few years not one but three sf-type split life/repeat life novels set in early 20th century Britain have been published – My Real Children, Life after Life, and The First Fifteen Lives of Harry August. They’re all great in their own separate ways, but I wonder how that suddenly became the zeitgeist?
I have not read her new novel yet because I am anticipating so much crying! But I ought to just bite the bullet. ๐
Here to wave my arms with love for Jo Walton and especially Among Others and My Real Children.
Lightspeed recently had a “Women Destroy Science Fiction” issue that is a pretty delightful introduction to a whole bunch of women sci-fi authors. I definitely hunted down a bunch of the women that wrote for the issue, and really enjoyed the interviews and retrospectives from some of the grand dames of science too.
http://www.lightspeedmagazine.com/special-issues/…
Lynn Flewelling: excellent LGBT characters and thievery and intrigue
Robin Hobb: It’s just good dark fantasy and I care so much about their lives!
Elizabeth Moon: Good military sci-fi and fantasy, with awesome female characters.
Guy Gavriel Kay. He does such a wonderful job of creating characters who are fully real and human. And he’s mastered situational humor–he’ll have characters say things that are hilarious, but only in context, just like inside jokes in real life.
And I admire the whole feel of his books. With GRRM “realism,” the attitude seems to be “everything is complicated because everyone has some bad in them.” And with Kay, the attitude seems to be “everything is complicated because everyone has some good in them” (although he does usually allow one irredeemably terrible character per book). And that makes the conflict *so compelling.*
Also his books are set in various historical eras. So he started out with pretty routine fantasy, but now he’s done Justinian-era Byzantium, Tang Dynasty China and Song Dynasty China, Vikings…
Tigana is my favorite, followed closely by the Sarantine Mosaic
(Moderators–I tried to post this before, but it wouldn’t go through–I’ve made it shorter, in case that was the problem. But I’m sorry if I’m somehow spamming you with several copies of this post)
I’ve recommeded it before but the Culture series by Iain M Banks are great, pretty much the best space opera you can ask for.
I also like Charles Stross, he does a variety but one of my favorite series of his are the Laundry books, where demons and Lovecraftian evil / magic is real and is created via mathematics. They are also a cross between old spy novels and scifi.
Recommended above already but Octavia E. Butler, jsut a fantastic author all around, really great at creating very alien aliens, but also touching on serious human issues.
If you like demons and math being real at the same time, I HIGHLY recommend Three Parts Dead by Max Gladstone. What if the rules of the world were made by lawyer/necromancers, except where cities are tightly held by active, very present gods?
Thank you! Will add to my list.
Oh also, I have to recommend The Wind City by Summer Wigmore. As a twenty-something who grew up immersed in nerdy culture, this book was everything I have wanted and never found in urban fantasy. Characters make Princess Bride and Buffy references! Characters self-consciously try to act like dashing heroes! And then halfway through this wonderful joyous book full of humor you realize that your new favorite people are pitted against each other and any of them could die. Please read this book (especially if you too are a geeky twenty-something).
I love Julie E. Czerneda. Her science fiction is very focused on biology and culture and how they influence each other, and all the ones I’ve read have a woman as the main character. My favorite series of hers start, respectively, with Beholder’s Eye and A Thousand Words for Stranger.
Seconding previously mentioned Lois McMaster Bujold, Elizabeth Bear, Ann Leckie, Jo Walton.
Also: Sarah Monette. Her first series is a long-character driven exploration of misery and trauma (and how you get over them), starring the most charming foul-mouthed depressed ex-assassin in all the world and his insane gay half-brother. Start with Melusine. It’s a real trip, but I reread it every time I get depressed because the moment in the third book when Mildmay realizes he’s been depressed and how to fix it is just so incredibly true it gets me every time. If that is not your cup of tea, she also writes the Kyle Murchison Booth stories, which are early-twentieth-century horror but without all the racism and sexism, and The Goblin Emperor, which is just the best book ever. (Also she writes intelligent things about books and TV shows on her blog, truepenny.livejournal.com. I am rereading her due South essays today since my DVDs are all packed and I have a craving.)
N.K. Jemisin. She has two series out now, The Inheritance Trilogy which is epic fantasy about empire and oppression, and the Dreamblood duology, which is Egyptian-influenced fantasy which I cannot even describe it is so awesome. Run, don’t walk. Her new series has been delayed until next summer, which makes me so sad I can’t even.
Joan Slonczewski. Hard SF – alien planets, ftl drives, all that good stuff – from a Quaker biologist. A Door Into Ocean is in some ways very much of its time (late 70s, I think?) but it’s still a spectacular utopia.
Also, related to last week’s post – OK Cupid is kind of stagnant for me. There was one guy I was chatting with that I really enjoyed chatting with, but he hasn’t written back since Tuesday so I figure I should probably just write him off? Sigh. Dating is hard! I haven’t been single in nearly seven years and it’s so confusing.
I just had to write off a former FWB that I had very, very high hopes for but who turned out to be a total flake. He promised he would plan our next date and then I never heard back from him, nor did I get a response to the couple of messages I sent him. You know it’s over when someone can’t even be bothered to reply “Thanks” to a text message wishing them a happy birthday.
I had a similar problem with a potential FWB. He was very eager to start, messaged me constantly, then radio silence for like two weeks. Texted me again, apologized etc etc, then nothing. I’m like look man we were friends to start, if you can’t be counted on to maintain a REGULAR friendship then don’t expect me to maintain anything that vaguely resembles a relationship.
Mine seemed promisingly consistent at first. He initially messaged me during a crazy period at work, and I figured I wouldn’t hear from him again because he would think I was brushing him off, but he messaged me again 2 weeks later to ask if my schedule had cleared up any. Or, one time something came up and he had to bail on an elaborate, lengthy date I had planned, but he asked to have coffee instead the same night because “I really want to see you.” So I thought, cool, this guy is actually interested in me, that’s nice for a change.
The radio silence breakup kills me every time and for some reason it’s very popular with the people I’ve been seeing. Like – I know these are permanent arrangements, I don’t expect any kind of meaningful commitment, but the least they could do is take 20 seconds out of their life to text me “Sorry, this has been great but I can’t see you anymore for XYZ reasons.” Hell, even no reasons would be preferable to no closure at all.
Definitely write it off, because there is absolutely nothing else you can do. The fact is that if a dude is both willing and able to write to you, he will. If he does not, then he is either not willing or not able.
Then if he writes back in a few days or a few weeks with a reason for the radio silence–e.g. he was moving out of his ex-gf’s house and into his own place, or he was stressed out about his first grad school paper–then you can decide how you feel about it. (In the first instance, I was not expecting to hear back from him but was quite pleased when I did, and dated him for eight months. In the second instance, I had already started dating somebody else, you snooze you lose.)
The trainer I’ve been working with for three years just left my gym and I decided not to keep going with training, so now I’m in the stage of GLORIOUS FREEDOM WOO that with living situations manifests as constant pantslessness.
Constant pantlessness is the most glorious kind of freedom. Even moreso rhan going to the cinema by yourself.
My backpack was snatched last night. A bunch of skate rats and street kids chased the guy down relay-style and got it back, with everything inside. Three cheers for teenage dirtbags!
Details: I felt a whoooosh and looked where I’d set it down and it was gone. I started hollering like hell and chasing after the guy, and a bunch of skaters got excited and chased him too (which was good because I’m slow). After about a block they kind of stopped and stood back for reasons I didn’t understand, so I asked them where he was. They pointed another 100 yards or so to a group of people standing by a wall, and asked me if I had my phone. “No, it’s in my bag!” I said and started hollering again. “That guy! On the end, on the right! He took my bag!” He started running again and some skinny guy flew out of nowhere and chased him around the corner. When I got there they were both standing there, and the guy who’d chased him handed me my bag. “That wasn’t cool” I said to the thief. “Whatever, you got it back” he replied. I thanked the skinny guy and the skate rats profusely and headed back to the bus stop. On the way, one of the skater was laughing about my reaction and how they’d stopped because the thief had acted like he had a gun but I just keep barreling on. It never occurred to me he might be armed. I just really, really wanted my bag.
Holy shit! Congratulations on living a life of adventure!
Hurrah for dirtbags!
I am so glad you are safe and sound and yes, hooray for teenage dirtbags!
Dirtbags-with-a-heart-of-gold!! I’m glad you got it back safely!
Whatever, you got it back.
LET ME AT ‘IM. Ugh. RUDE on top of being a dirty good for nuthin thief. (Is it silly that that was what made me really angry about this story?)
DIRTBAGS WITH A HEART OF GOLD, though! And GOOD ON YOU for being practically a superhero.
That part was just bizarre. Even the fact that he was just standing there, not trying to get away anymore. I’m kind of wondering if the skinny guy was the local drug dealer or something, and he didn’t want to cross him.
That happened to my friend — a guy stole his phone out of his hand. Another guy walks up, says “hang on,” walks around the block, and reappears with my friend’s phone. His explanation was that the thief had overstepped his “territory.”
Honestly, teenage dirtbags are a good go-to when Danger Strikes. They like being heroes, especially if they can be Big Damn Skateboarding Heroes.
I have been invited to a James Bond-themed party in a couple of months and I want to be the dapperest gentleman spy I can be while not, technically, being a gentleman. Anyone have any ideas about where to look for/how to kludge together a tux that 1) will fit a bosomy and hippy lady, 2) will not cost a zillion dollars, and 3) will not make said lady look like she’s a member of a high school wind ensemble that only budgeted about $3.50 per tux? (Which is the last situation in which I wore a “tux”-like outfit. Obviously I was somewhat scarred by the experience.)
(Pants are easy — cheap black slacks, tack grosgrain ribbon down the seams, DONE. It’s the shirt and jacket I’m worried about.)
This advice on adding elastic to the back waist of a men’s jacket or shirt might work, though I’ve never tried it so I can’t offer my review. And I don’t know where to get the jacket and shirt, unless you get lucky at the thrift store.
Ooh, thanks! I will for sure be doing that for the shirt.
Have you men in your life who own suit jackets/dress shirts you can try on and conceivably borrow? Barring that, if there’s a Goodwill in a spendy part of town, try the men’s sections there–you can get nice-quality castoffs for pretty good prices, I’ve found.
Ebay! I, hippy and bosomy, needed a man’s suit for reasons last year and found out that I’m the same size as a small Korean man, a 3 piece suit I bought for about 100 only needed the pants hemmed. There was much cheaper suits for sale too. Every time I’ve worn it a wide range of people have complimented me, and I’ve been asked many times if it’s bespoke.
I can’t help with the actual costume part at all, but I just did a play where I was a girl dressed as a dude the whole time. I have huge boobs, and I didn’t want to actually bind (because it’s dangerous and uncomfortable to do it improperly, and finding an actual binder is expensive), but it made a HUGE difference to the fit/look of the costume to “bind” using 3-5 sports bras — you layer them one forward, one backward, and so on. You kind of have to pull your boobs to the side (it is really hard to describe this!) so they look like pecs and not like a weirdly flat, featureless chest, but it made my costume look a lot better! I think it’s because well-dressed men tend to wear fitted clothes, and if you can flatten yourself out, you can wear a more fitted version of menswear.
I have had pretty good luck at thrift stores, though you will have to be dedicated to find all the pieces in a short amount of time.
And as for bosoms – I have occasionally had luck with my gigantic set by sort of binding them (don’t remember what I used, bandages maybe?) and then padding out my belly a bit. Not exactly James Bond-like maybe, but it takes away the look of the boobs. Might also help take attention from the hips (I wouldn’t know, I haven’t got any).
Also practice standing and walking like you don’t want to crush your giant testicles. It’s fun!
Goodwill! Try on a million jackets.
Also, I think dapper is mostly in the attitude. Act dapper=be dapper. (I was dapper as fuck in my $3.50 wind ensemble tuxes in high school.)
Look for a short coat with a pointed front, the kind that isn’t designed to close in the front. (This style. I have no idea what they’re called; I sell them at steampunk faires as “Jim West gunfighter coats.”) I can tell you from experience, they look mouth-wateringly hot on busty, hippy women.
Ooh, that does look sharp — I’ll definitely keep an eye out for them, although since I’ll probably be thrifting it I don’t know how good my odds are. (I think that style is called a mess jacket.)
Last weekend was my birthday! As a gift, my partner got me a daylong Sled Dog Experience! We drove out to Western Massachusetts to this lady’s kennel where she trains and raises sled dogs and we got to spend the day playing with them and taking them on a hike! It was amazing! Plus the lady is badass and lives off the grid with her daughter in a cabin they built. There is a composting toilet. I guess what I am saying is, NEW LIFE GOALS.
OMG! That sounds amazing! Best partner ever!
Western Massachusetts is the BEST in a supremely weird way. (I’d like to think I take after Western Mass, if only because I grew up out there.)
I LOVE Northampton, and I’ve been out to MassMOCA, which was great. I need to get out there more often! Any favorite places of yours? I live outside of Boston at the moment so sadly it’s a bit of drive to get out there, hence the infrequent visits.
I’m from waaaay Western Mass (so, more MassMOCA than Northampton). It’s great in the summer/fall! The Clark is a lovely lovely museum if you like impressionism. Shakespeare & Company does some great theater. It’s fun to go see a concert at Tanglewood on the lawn, especially if you don’t particularly care about Listening Intently To Music (it’s much better to go with friends and drink wine and hang out with some incidental jazz in the background). Lenox is a super cute town, as is Great Barrington.
Ahh now I’m homesick!
There’s a place in Lee that does llama hikes called Hawkmeadow. I also recommend chilling at the top of Mt. Greylock – even if you don’t hike up there, the drive is gorgeous. Go up the North Adams side, down the Lanesboro side, and then stop at Ye Olde Forge for beer and wings, if that’s your thing.
hooooly shit. llama hikes. THANK YOU.
I also grew up in waaaay Western Mass and the Berkshires definitely leave their identity on you. There’s just something about Growing Up Berkshire.
I know exactly the place you are talking about and it is my dream to go there someday.
I LIVE IN WESTERN MASS WHERE IS THIS PLACE I MUST KNOW
It’s in West Chesterfield, about half an hour away from Northampton – it’s called Hilltown Wilderness Adventures!
oh my god you can swim with them
Here’s a piiiiiiiic:
Ahhhhhhhhhhh! I was going to ask for pics, so THANK YOU!
That face!
!!!!!! DOG.
Misandrist problem: I’m learning German, and it’s going pretty well, except that I automatically assume every noun is feminine, which throws things off a bit.
I assume most predatory animals I see in the wild (coyotes, hawks, bears) are female and the smaller woodland creatures are male (rabbits, mice, lizards)
I’m assuming every noun is neuter, which probably means… something?
Amazing! Is feminine the dominant gender in German? Because I’m also learning Spanish, and I nearly complained to my professor about how I wouldn’t want to be drowned in salutations to a group I’m in if it involved even just one man.
Gender is the wooooorst. But German is obviously die schoensten Sprache, so have fun!
Bonus to the “everything is feminine” technique: If anyone calls you on it, you can brush it off as plural.
I always try to quickly mumble a kind of “dier” combo if I’m not sure. This is probably not a good idea.
Eh, that’s a good default since it doesn’t change in the aktiv.
Fun fact: my German relatives lived in a little village of German expats in Czechoslovakia about 100-mumble years ago. Eventually, all the German speakers in the village decided that gendered nouns were annoyingly complicated, so they made everything feminine. They didn’t change the word endings or anything, just used ‘die’ for everything.
Toast, I am STILL waiting to hear back on a tentative job offer thingie–I’ve talked to HR twice and they say I’m in the “approval process.” When I called them on Monday, they said they’d be calling with an offer in a few days and were hopeful I’d be able to start on the 29th. No word yet and if they want me to start on the 29th I need to put my notice in on MONDAY and I am basically going fucking crazy and would like some guidance or words of comfort, please.
Good thoughts. Be nice to yourself. Seriously–do nice things for yourself. You deserve it.
Ring them first thing on Monday and tell them you need to hand your notice in that day if you are going to start when they want you to? I do sympathise – my company has a ridonkulously Byzantine approvals process for new hires, even if they’re replacing someone who’s left. We had someone go at the end of June, they let us interview etc immediately but won’t let us actually have someone start until December. Luckily we’re hiring a former temp, and she is happy to carry on temping until December, but it is so frustrating.
This is good advice, and thanks so much for the perspective from the other side, that’s extremely helpful. When they first called me they said they wanted me to start on the 15th because they were really hoping to get people in quickly but obviously that hasn’t happened. Mostly I am paranoid that since this is taking longer than originally anticipated, they aren’t going to waaaant me anymore, even though this has all been on their end.
Massive, unending frustration.
Breathe! Hiring can take WAY longer than anyone thinks it will. They haven’t forgotten about you. I agree with Es_Petal; call them on Monday and just remind them that you can’t give notice until you receive an offer, and you can’t start until 2 weeks after that. They’ll know it, of course, but it’ll be a good reminder. Try to enjoy your weekend until Monday! ๐
If it’s any comfort, they are almost certainly well aware that you’ll need to put in notice two weeks before your start date, and will expect you to say “Sorry, I have to start later” if they get back to you later than Monday. And they’ll be fine with it. I did hiring for a few years at my last job, and the amount of stupid bullshit that slowed down our responses to people we actually loved and wanted to start right away was MIND-BOGGLING. I always felt so bad for the people who were waiting and waiting to hear.
That does help, thank you! Mostly I’m wondering what the hell is the hold-up–I know my background check came through at the end of last week and the drug screen was instant (two weeks ago) so now I’m just wanting to know WHAT IS UP, YO. Any hiring-person insight?
Unfortunately, not much. ๐ My team did all the job posting/screening/interviewing for the people we needed to hire, but then sent them on to the HR dept for the mysterious and byzantine process of actually getting them on board. I do know two common causes of slowdown were that HR was “really busy” onboarding people for other departments and we just had to wait our turn in the queue, or that the person’s references were being slow to respond. A third, probably not relevant to your situation but maybe(??) was that we were a nonprofit contracting for the government, and whoever we hired had to be approved by someone stupidly high up at the relevant government agency and it sometimes took FOREVER to get the person to give the rubber stamp.
I had a nightmare last night that I was supposed to be the one gathering letters of reference and I HADN’T and I woke up in a cold sweat.
I originally applied for this job MONTHS ago and know I listed references (online application form, THE WORST) but it was long enough ago that I can’t actually remember who I put on there? I’ll ask on Monday if they’re having issues with that and need me to reach out to people.
Ngngngngngngngngnggn. I have no guidance for you, but here are my crossed fingers!
Toasties, my best friend and I have been watching Babylon 5 (one of her favorite shows) via livestream and we’re two episodes from the end of season 2. Spoilers for a 20-year-old show in reply.
This is the first time an OTP of mine has unexpectedly become canon and ever since we watched the episode on Sunday I have been the living embodiment of the saying “don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.” It’s not just that I shipped Talia/Ivanova, or that it’s a canon pairing between two women; it’s that even though they both had past male romantic interests, they managed to get together without any sexual orientation auditing onscreen whatsoever! And Garibaldi/Talia will never be canon! A white dude who’s “one of the good guys” didn’t get the girl! I’m so happy!
This has been especially exciting for my friend because I shipped Talia and Ivanova from their first scene together. She confirmed for me the other day that yes, when that scene ended and I said, “Well, somebody has a crush on somebody,” she flipped out and called her husband into the room for a special report. And has been giving updates to everyone she knows who’s watched the show. When we watched the episode on Sunday and I had to ask her to pause so I could take a minute to process and then we had a mostly-capslock conversation for about ten minutes, she told me that my reaction was everything she had hoped it would be.
I would be happier if the episode had ended differently, obviously, but this isn’t so bad.
Ooooh Babylon 5! I started watching towards the end of the 3rd season (I mean when it was first airing) and had to go back and catch up on everything and oh yes.
OH GOD BAB5.
That show. ALL THE LOVE for that show.
It is so goofy and cheesy and 90s (Franklin and Garibaldi dressing like middle school band teachers) and the first two seasons alone have given me EVERY EMOTION. And I’m lucky enough to be watching with my friend, who gives me background information as the stuff it relates to happens and vets fanfic for spoilers, and to be completely unspoiled except for the length of the series and the fact that the finale made her husband cry.
It made me cry, too, and I am the most emotionally reserved person I know. TBH, I wouldn’t completely trust someone who watched all five years of that show who didn’t cry at the finale. So…just be prepared.
*SCREAM OF JOY* Everyone should watch Babylon 5, it is so wonderful and so 90s and yet so timely all at the same time. And it gives me All Of The Feelings, to the point where when I think about Londo Mollari I sometimes have to steady myself on the back of a chair. I sometimes miss the hairstyle I had (also in the late 90s) that made me look just like Ivanova in civvies.
(I watched it originally as a freshman in high school, and I baaaaarely noticed Talia/Ivanova at the time. I am filled with shame. Of course, that’s how they got it past the censors at the time. Someday I will write the AU fanfiction of the universe where the actress didn’t quit the show and Talia came back in season 3 the way she was supposed to.)
Oh, Trollondo Trollari. I wish I could quit you.
It is so timely, despite also being so 90s! Sometimes an episode we watch will be weirdly relevant to current events, and it’s surreal! Kind of depressing too, but it does help my affection for the show.
I’m pretty cross with Andrea Thompson right now, not gonna lie. First she marries Jerry Doyle(?! and then divorces him, but still), then she leaves the show. WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN.
Toasties! Are Boaton meet ups ever a Toastie thing? I would love to meet folks if that ever a thing!
If by Boaton, you mean BOSTON then yes! We have a lot of Toasties around & have had at least one meet-up in the past couple of months. ๐
Yes, sorry – I was running into a building where I would not get signal and typed in a hurry. Hurray Boston Toasties and I will keep my eyes open for meet ups. ๐
Seconded! (I think they’ve done it in the past but I just moved here, so.)
Ah, welcome! Are you new to MA or just moved?
New to MA! Coming from RI, by way of NC.
YES WE ARE FUN AND DO THINGS
SUCH FUN
there is a facebook Toastpin group and also a google group and also there is Twitter
Awesome, I love fun!! (Is that a Miranda’s mom “Such fun” because I flipping love miranda.)
Off to find folks thank you yay!
I don’t think I know who/what that is so probably not but feel free to declare it so! I am easygoing about this.
yes! the google group is called boston-toast
Perrrrrfect. Thanks so much! I will find and follow ๐
Delicious friends, thank you for recommending Fallen London. It is utterly delightful from the very first screen. I think more games should have “other/either/WHATEVER” available as a gender option!
Signed, a wily and ferocious fake Tiddlywinks lady
(The selection text for the option in question is: “My dear sir, there are individuals roaming the streets of Fallen London at this very moment with the faces of squid! Squid! Do you ask them their gender? And yet you waste our time asking me trifling and impertinent questions about mine? It is my own business, sir, and I bid you good day.”)
What’s your username? I’ll send you a Parabolan Kitten (Kickstarter backer reward, well, the progeny thereof).
You already sent me one and I love it, thank you! ๐ It chewed on my finger awwwwwww
I’m Cordelia Blackburne if anyone wants to loiter suspiciously or tell me your nightmares or whatever. I already SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEYed the devs so now I have more actions than I probably will ever use in a day.
Yay! (I delete my old messages because anal-retentiveness and I have username-memory issues.)
Still have many–comment here or send coffee request to an_ocelot — and happy to do menace reductions/social actions with anyone!
Coffee request sent, along with humble request for a kitten! I think the various pets are one of my favorite aspects of the game. That said… any Toasties involved in Knife & Candle (erm, I mean [REDACTED])?
I’m chercheuse on FL, a captivating and shrewd lady, and am happy to engage in social actions of all sorts with readers of The Toast.
Can I have a kitten TOO??? Coffee request sent- I’m Fayezer. Also happy to help with menace reductions, social interactions, etc. I have been totally hooked since I started last week!
Kittens for everyone!
In that case, a kitten for me as well, please! Bryn (Plus Others)
Oh, I’d love to play with other Toasties. My username is Quietest. I’ve been playing so very solo that I’m not actually sure what a coffee request IS.
Head to your lodgings, look under attend to matters of society & scandal.
Okay I finally joined Fallen London yesterday after seeing it mentioned on here a million times, and now I am obsessed and getting no work done. I also loved the third (or non-) gender option and really wanted to pick it, but I wasn’t as into the cameos there.
I am Mezza Neun if anyone wants to loiter or have coffee or do things that will up my stupid inferior dangerous level.
I started it last weekend too! I’m Sarcastic Fringehead. (in a stunning burst of creativity, I added a space to my usual username! Boggle at my deviousness!)
I have been greatly enjoying this game thanks to the Toast! I’m mairna on there and down to do whatever.
I have just joined Fallen London and I am on as Bryn (Plus Others). Squid!
I am adding (or have added) you all as contacts. I am imagining an amazing coterie of Toasties ruling Fallen London. I’m Fayezer!
I have been playing for the last week or so too and it is magnificent! I am AliasGrace there too if anyone would like to connect.
Hi! I’m Vivian Street on Fallen London. I want to apologize for spamming you with calling cards–I was doing it on my phone and messed up.
The mysterious/indistinct gender option sold me from the start. I commented on the last Fallen London thread and have since engaged in some loitering, fisticuffs, etc. with a few Toast commenters. If anyone wants acquaintances or social activity partners, feel free to add me (onelittlefish)!
I haven’t yet looked into Fallen London, but just reading about it on the Toast makes me laugh with glee. Invitations to loiter suspiciously? Squid? Kittens? I love it.
I just made an account using the same username as here. I don’t have time to play right now but I will definitely come back to this thread later to get all of your usernames!
I have FINALLY joined this after weeks of knowing it would be totally my kind of thing, but then I puttered around too long and ran out of actions. Haha. So now I’m slowly adding one of you every 20 minutes as my candle reloads. My name there is Esmeralda Poppycock.
(I will have more kittens in a week, dear Toasties! Feel free to queue requests.)
Just joined. I’m LadyScarlett! Looking forward to adding all of you once I have more actions.
Toastrons, my friends have had it ROUGH recently. in July, my friend’s father died the week of my friend’s birthday. Two weeks ago, a good friend called off her wedding, and then this past weekend, another friend’s older sister succumbed to (i believe lung) cancer. So I know you don’t know them, but if you could send my buds some positive internet vibes, that’d be awesome.
In happier news, my lovely wife and I are going away for the weekend to a lovely little spa/state park thing, and I’m not sure whether we’ll even have internet access! If we don’t, will I love it? Will I be twitching in the first 30 minutes? Who knows! I suspect it will be very nice either way.
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, I want to know what comics you are reading. I find myself mostly reading lady-based comics, such as Ms. Marvel, Captain Marvel, and Black Widow. All are excellent.
Sending the best vibes out into the universe for your friends there.
Also, I have heard that the most recent run of Ms. Marvel is AWESOME but have not picked it up yet. Worthwhile investment, I assume?
Yes, Ms. Marvel is really, really good right now. Kamala is so awesome, and her interactions with… uh… well i don’t want to spoil the last 2 issues, but it’s just awesome.
I finished Vol. 3 of Saga a few weeks ago; now there is no more Saga (until Vol. 4, I suppose), and I am anxious.
Also, the library has not yet said the copy of Locke & Key I put on hold is available for checkout, harrumph.
I still have Vol. 3 sitting on my bedside table and have somehow not yet managed to read it. I have to do that soon…
I’ve not read Locke & Key, but i’ve heard really good things about it
I’m reading Saga (waiting for volume 4!) and Attack on Titan! also read Boxers & Saints a couple weeks ago, which was pretty great.
I have heard of but not read Attack on Titan! I’ve not even heard of Boxers & Saints. What’s it about?
Boxers & Saints is technically two separate graphic novels by Gene Luen Yang, each told from a different side of the Boxer Rebellion (“Boxers” is from the POV of one of the rebels, and “Saints” from a Chinese Christian). It’s really, really well done – kind of a mix of historical fiction and magical realism.
Oh I liked Gene Luen Yang. My wife got me American Born Chinese for (i think) last Christmas and I really enjoyed it. I’ll have to check these out!
I just finished Midas Flesh (by Ryan North of Dinosaur Comics fame) and was inspired by that to pick up Lumberjanes. I really need to get on the Ms. Marvel/Captain Marvel/Black Widow train too. (Also, G. Willow Wilson, who’s writing Ms. Marvel, wrote a book called Alif the Unseen that I picked up at an airport a couple years ago and very much enjoyed – about a hacker who gets in trouble with the state & goes underground, where all sorts of supernatural stuff starts happening)
I need to catch up on Lumberjanes. I’ve only got the first issue!
I am about to read Seconds by Bryan Lee O’Malley (of Scott Pilgrim fame) and very excited about it!
Yeah, i just heard a review of that (comics podcast) that was enthusiastic about it. Seems interesting!
Jedi hugs to your buddies.
I’m with all the folks who are reading Saga in trades. I dropped Uber because it was grimming me out, but I’ve stuck with Hawkeye, Marvels Captain and Ms. (Radomir’s Banh Mi sounds like a great place to grab lunch), Sex Criminals, WicDiv, the frustratingly sporadic Sandman, and Loki: Agent of Asgard. Black Widow looks amazing, but my comics bill is high enough as it is, so I plan to grab BW in trades and/or use it to fill the empty hole in my heart and pull list when Hawkeye stops running.
Toasties! Last night I went with Mr. Hoovian to a comedy show that we attend regularly (it’s a monthly thing) and I ordered a Sprite instead of a beer purely out of wanting to order a Sprite… and I got JUMPED ON by the other people we were there with. “OMG are you pregnant? Why aren’t you drinking a beer?” and then got all these weird “knowing looks” from everyone all night long. What the hell IS that!? We have told no one that I’ve gone off BC and we’re trying now, so it’s all just people jumping to their own conclusions. I’m really annoyed.
To those of you that have been down this road before, how common is this? I knew to anticipate people being intrusive once I’m visibly pregnant, but this is just a whole new weird level of wtf to me. Who even pays that much attention to a woman’s drink choices?
I am not pregnant but I am teetotal, and the answer To your last question IS EVERYMOTHERFUCKINGONE. I get asked if I’m pregnant, if I am a recovering alcoholic, if I’m miserable, if I’m having fun, how can I be having fun if I’m not drinking…
Jesus, yes. I don’t drink very often (hardly ever) and EVERYONE. I cannot tell you how many times people have asked me “Oh oh, something you want to tell us?!?!” or “Drinking for two?” or what the fuck ever. It was SO FUCKING WEIRD.
I often drink at functions solely to avoid the whole “omg are you pregnant,” and I think that is deeply, deeply problematic.
WELL SEE you are a woman and you GOT MARRIED where’s the baby already????? IS THAT SPRITE YOU’RE DRINKING SPRITE?? IS THERE A BABY IN THERE?
Which is to say: pretty common, from my observations.
Ugh I am SO AFRAID of this now that I’m married. We are in no way trying but sometimes I just want a seltzer!
*dumps drink on their head* Well now I’m drinking nothing.
Oh, hey, look – it’s the correct answer to that question.
If you are a lady and you have a man partner and you have reached a certain age, everyone is constantly policing you for pregnancy.
Also a lot of people have Feelings about drinking and if someone doesn’t then they get all weird about it. And/or drinking = fun so if you’re not drinking, you’re not having fun, because you don’t like the people you’re with, and oh god no one likes them and everything is terrible and why do we have to be here at all whyyyyy…..
So, put these two together, and yes, you will get that response forever (for the next several years). You might be able to work it a bit, by alternating sprite & beer, so people get used to you drinking sprite sometimes, but who knows.
Or you are (like me sometimes) insecure about your own drinking habits, so if someone else is not drinking they are clearly better/healthier/more self-disciplined than you and clearly judging you hard, you lush.
I don’t drink. I never have. But people are so nosy about this
I used to say I am no longer drinking, please support me in this, and they would shut up.
It’s weird, I never had much intrusiveness once I was obviously pregnant – no people touching my stomach or anything – but people hone in on a non-drinker like whoa. Early on, I’d discreetly order tonic & lime so people would just think I was drinking gin & tonic. It’s pretty annoying. People are weird about drinking.
I was recently out at a bar with my boyfriend to see a friend’s band play with some people we know from our recreational soccer team but don’t actually hang out with much, and the drinking thing got SO WEIRD. Boyfriend and I had somewhere to be the next morning and generally just didn’t feel like drinking, and everyone else was visibly distressed about it and kept bringing it up like it was some sort of monstrous offense. Thankfully I didn’t get any pregnancy-related nonsense, but it was still incredibly weird and off-putting. Why do people care so much???
“No, I’m not pregnant! I just don’t want to kill the buzz from all the coke earlier.”
Trying to get pregnant has made me realise how outstandingly rude those questions are! What if she is? If she was and she was comfortable telling you don’t you think she would have told you? What if it’s early days and she’s stressed out of her mind about miscarrying you insensitive jerks? … for example..! Speculate wildly if you want (we all do it!) but have some tact and keep it to yourself.
I am going to this tomorrow!!! Anyone else? http://www.thebaffler.com/events/conference/
There are SO MANY good people on those panels! Ahhhh!
I KNOW!!! You should come.
Is anyone using Duolingo? I need more people to compete against!
Currently, I’m trying to recapture whatever hazy notions of German I once had, and to get into Irish (for funsies, or a certain definition of “funsies”).
Ooo I didn’t know about this. I created one and added you!
Yay! Their app is great, too, but it has fewer languages, for some reason.
Intermittently, yes! I’m Absotively.
They have Irish now??? I was using it a few months ago for Spanish but fell off the wagon.
Yep. And a few more languages coming soon (I’m waiting for Swedish), including Russian. You can see the whole list here.
I’m doing French with it. (I’m not sure of my username there. I’ll have to look it up.) It’s going…okay. I mean, it’s a language-learning program, so it demands precision, and my basic approach is “grab one of those little words and shove them in right here, one of them is bound to be correct”, so we have a few arguments from time to time.
Heh, I have a degree in translation, and for some reason, I’m also “learning” languages I’m fluent in, so… The “Report a problem” button is definitely getting a workout.
In fairness to Duolingo, I tend to stick “de” or “le” or “sur” or “ce” in a sentence where I know I need some two- or three-letter word but I don’t know which. And then Duolingo dings me because it’s not the right word, and I’m all “WHATEVER, A FRENCH PERSON WOULD STILL KNOW WHAT I MEANT.”
I studied it in college, but that was twenty years ago. I’ve been picking it up again the last couple of years, but I’ve been concentrating on oral comprehension this time around. And spoken French is less formal, plus it’s still hard for me to parse all the words, so my grammar is lagging.
Me! Learning Spanish. For funsies, I decided to see if I could pass the first French test since I took oh, 5 years of high school and college French. Failed miserably. Will go back to that once I master this Spanish thing!
I use it on and off to try and brush up on my Spanish.
Yes but under our real name so now I have to decide if I want to make my own account hmmmmn.
I think you can change your username in “Settings”.
I just added you on there.
I’ll add you! I’m trying to learn some Spanish before my trip to Mexico next month…I really like the app so far.
Yep. Brushing up on the Spanish basics I bs’ed through in middle school. I’m angrygrumbling.
Hey, any Irish toasties out there?
Would anyone be interested in a Dublin meet-up?
Irish-by-marriage Toastie here. But we won’t be back in Dublin until June or July, and that’s rather a long-range plan.
The world has felt particularly unwelcome to women this week, but this morning I volunteered at a women’s shelter and it was a balm to my soul. Just ladies serving other ladies (and a few baby ladies) some bagels and cereal and juice while the sun came up; nothing earth-shattering, but it made me feel happy and safe. Drat the men, though, still. Any other advice for combating anti-woman shittiness is welcome!
I am a Girl Scout leader to three teenage girls (not mine! just a group who needed a co-leader) and it is a light in my life, not even kidding.
I believe it! This rules, you rule, Girl Scout teenage non-dirtbags rule.
I just finished a book on the Jane Collective, which was awesome in helping combat anti-woman shittiness this particular week.
The Jane Collective was a group of women in Chicago who, when abortion was illegal, began providing referrals to safe doctors and counseling services to women seeking abortion. When they found their most trusted doctor was not actually a doctor, they learned how to do the abortions themselves (partly so they weren’t dependent on men anymore). Over the 4 years they operated, they provided over 11,000 safe abortions, patients were encouraged to pay but none were ever turned away for not having money, and they were only raided by the police once. (the book is The Story of Jane by Laura Kaplan, who was one of the Jane Collective)
I must read this. On another note, “After Tiller” is now streaming on Netflix is you are interested in the people who currently provide late-term abortions in the midwest … it is NOT an easy movie to watch but might be up your alley based on your reading preferences.
Yes, I’ve been interested in seeing that since the awesome interview on The Hairpin with one of the doctors (http://thehairpin.com/2013/09/susan-robinson). Just waiting for it to come in at the library.
The weather here in Chicago has changed almost overnight, like flipping a light switch between summer and fall, and I am 100% thrilled. Flannel! Hoodies! Hot cocoa!
Also, I finally took the plunge and submitted a writing sample to crowdsource — both because I want to start making a couple of extra $$$ here and there (for dog ownership??? We’ll see!), and because despite having an excellent job and feeling really good about job security, I still want to diversify my income. Friends have been losing work left and right recently, and I want to make damn sure that if catastrophe strikes and I lose my job, I’m not completely out of luck.
Also also, while I think minimalism as a life philosophy is kind of ridiculous, there is nothing like moving all your possessions out of your apartment and up three flights of stairs to a new apartment to really make you think twice about it. I’m working on a MAJOR book and clothing cull; it’s hard, though, because I am deeply sentimental and certain physical objects are more like a token of feelings or specific times than actual functional objects to me.
Fellow Chicago Toastie! I am wearing tights and my favorite fall jacket. Though I am sad the season of Numb Toes has already begun.
I am brave and well-insulated, so I skipped the jacket today! Wooo!
But thank goodness I remembered the umbrella.
Yes, we have the same thing about physical objects as manifestations of feelings/memory. I have been trying to do the thing where I take pictures of the object and keep the pictures, which is a good theory but it is still really hard. ๐
Oooh, that’s a clever way around it! I… am not sure it will work for me, but I’ll probably go through and photograph a bunch of stuff this weekend and see if I can pry it all free from my heart.
Chicago meetup Nov 1, Rogers Park Social, 6:00-10:00 pm!
Contact me for more info, or for the hell of it!
I am interested!
Yes, please!
Also interested!
This is a thing I’ve never done before but I’m gonna give it a try: are there any Toasties in Pittsburgh who go to the Carnegie Library After Hours events? The next one coming up is based on The Night Circus, which I love, and so I want to go, but I don’t have any friends who want to go. I’ve already bought my ticket ($45) but I feel like I’ll have more fun if I’m there with someone else so… uh… Is anyone going/would anyone like to go and help me feel less uncool?
I don’t live in Pittsburgh but this looks SO COOL, and I love The Night Circus, so if I could, I would absolutely go with you.
I am so excited about it, but also I went to a Yelp schmoozer like this a while back and was not as impressed by it as I expected? So I’m a little wary. But Night Circus. Night Circus!!
I’ve been meaning to go to one of those for a while. I could be convinced!
Awesome!
…No idea where to go from here! Do you have a tumblr or twitter? I am a much more sensible person at my tumblr (toushindai.tumblr.com) than on my twitter (wallofillusion).
Technically I have both, but I use tumblr primarily for porny things and twitter only for entering contests. There are very few methods of communication that I am actually good at. I will think about this and get back to you.
Sounds good!
Hello! I didn’t entirely forget about this but I did miss a few open threads. Have you had another pgh meetup discussion yet? I have more event ideas!
To my knowledge, no further discussion has happened! What other ideas do you have? =o
Really just the one, which is to see Isabella Rossellini do her weird Green Porno show on November 21. I’m still thinking about After Hours at the library but I have to hold off on that decision for budget purposes. We should try to get more people to go, if you’ll be around for open thread this week. ๐
*looks it up and then blinks several times* That looks bizarre and entertaining and very, very Toast-y. I am indeed around for open thread tomorrow, so we can recruit!
And I totally hear you on the budget thing–I spent way too much money last month so I was waffling on this show until I saw that it’s in November.
A good friend died last weekend. Just passed away in his sleep at 35 – no accident, no drugs, nothing. He just died. Terribly shocking and sad. We’re all kind of reeling still. But there was much karaoke at his celebration of life, which I think he would have appreciated.
In good news, thanks to whoever recommended Fallen London last week! I love it. It’s fun, it doesn’t suck up all my time, it’s free. And it gives me a better outlet than Facebook when my fingers get internet-itchy.
I’m on it! Lady Holdfast, if you want to send missives or help me reduce my nightmares!
Cool! I am Girl Named Jack. I… uh… tend to reuse the same names, as you can tell.
Oooh fallen london! Bryn (Plus Others)!
I am very sorry to hear about your friend. ๐
I’m Vipsania Beauregard! Please add me, but be aware that I WILL ask you to help me reduce my scandal at one point. I do so love gallivanting with Devils.
Smee, I tried to add you but got a message saying “That character does not exist.”
Sincere condolences on the loss of your friend. That’s heartbreaking.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending Toast hugs via the remarkably speedy and intimate toastnet.
Oh, I’m so sorry. What a terrible shock! That celebration of his life sounds wonderful, and I hope absorbing this gets easier over time.
Thanks everyone. I really appreciate it.
My condolences on your friend. A similar thing happened last month to a teacher from my middle school–he was not yet 40 and had always been the “cool” teacher. Sending you and all your friends good thoughts.
So sorry to hear about your friend. Karaoke sounds like a lovely way to commemorate.
Chicago got really cold all of a sudden (omg but apple cider and tights and cute people in hoodies) and I need help upping both my coat and boot game. I kind of want to splurge for a Barbour waxed parka and/or Rag and Bone Harrow booties… but they’re both expensive and I feel like I can get the same… concept… for a better price.
Any coats and shoes you’ve been coveting?
I just bought a pair of red patent leather sanita clogs and do not regret it one bit. Would like to find some awesome patterned maternity tights to wear with them – do these exist? it seems everything is black and heather grey.
Would also like to find a flattering maternity coat made out of wool… suggestions appreciated.
I’ve wanted a pair of Fluevogs for ages, but although I love the styles, they just don’t fit with my general style aesthetic. These, though? OH MY GOD.
How would you style that? I’m asking because I, too, passively covet unreasonable shoes but always back off because I can never think of a way to wear them.
(also money)
I’d pair these with either black leggings or a black short knit skirt, white oxford button-down, vintage tie (pref. burgundy or gold), tights to match the tie, and an olive/drab military-style jacket.
I live in Ann Arbor MI so I know how you feel. I love fall weather because I can pull out my coats and jackets and riding boots, and just imagine I’m walking around NYC.
I’ve been lusting after Max Mara camel coat forever but I can never bring myself to do it.
Three cheers for hot apple cider with dash of bourbon !
From what I’ve heard Barbours are totally worth the splurge and last forever. So if you need random encouragement from a stranger, I say go for it!
I’ve been eyeing an Eileen Fisher wool coat that just came out, but I also just over did it on two new pairs of tall boots. So I’ll be waiting for a bit for the new coat.
I have, like, four pairs of Merrell bootsโnone of the outdoorsy style, all sleek black leather with zippers and a minimal amount of trim, two pairs knee-high, two pairs of ankle bootsโand they are all so comfortable and great that several dozen times over this beautiful summer, I have gazed longingly at my boots where they sit piled in a basket in the corner of the room and sighed.
I hear you. I’m wearing my favorite pair of knee-high boots today for the first time since April and I am SO HAPPY.
I found a pair of Merrel boots in the same sleek black leather vein on Amazon for a song about a month ago and I am so in love I cannot even begin to describe how in love I am. So comfy! So much sensible tread!
I want pretty much all of the Soia & Kyo fall coats.
Hello, Toasties!
Thank you so much for the advice on feminism two open threads ago! My classmate and I had a respectful and educational discussion about it.
For now I’ll just share a public transport story. As I was heading home from uni, a lesbian couple got in and sat across from the person beside me. One had French-tipped nails, the other had steel-belted cargo trousers. The one with the really cool steel belt kept trying to hold her lady’s hand, then putting her chin on her lady’s shoulder, then lightly squeezing her lady’s arm, all the while being batted away with a scowl and a force that sent the lovely fingertips dazzling me.
I live in a place where gay marriage isn’t legalized and where lgbtquiap people are tolerated, and workplace discriminates only (sadly) the old and rhe disabled. Is it bad that, for a moment, I thought it was better if they had had a fight rather than the other lady being just embarrassed by her partner?
My opinion as a straight woman: they may just come from homes that have different attitudes towards public displays of affection. My husband comes from people who hug. I do not. I find it distasteful to be overly handled in public. It feels crass. It took him a long time to understand this. He was persistent. It was irritating. I often reacted a lot like your dazzling fingertips lady.
What I’m saying is: people are mysteries! You have no idea what’s happening. The reasons for what you see are probably various. We often give narratives to those we see in public, using our own experiences and biases as a filter. It’s OK! But don’t get too involved in your narratives (and I say this as a devoted bus eavesdropper).
Oh, yes, I should keep this in mind! I’m sort of uncomfortable with snogging in public, too. Thank you!
Bay area people! I am going to see The Breeders at the Fillmore tomorrow night. I could die of excitement maybe. Are any of you fine folk attending as well?
Due to a bizarre set of circumstances, we are actually staying in San Jose tonight and tomorrow. What should we do there?
sooo jealous.
weirdly, i know of nothing to do in san jose. i’ve heard there are good cajun crawfish boil type places, if you like seafood!
That all depends what you like to do!
You could go to Good Karma Vegan Cafe and sample their extensive beer menu and then go across the street to Original Gravity Public House and sample their extensive beer menu (also the duck fat french fries) and then go to Cream on the corner and make your own ice cream sandwich.
Creative Convergence Silicon Valley is this weekend with lots of random stuff, live music and speakers and things: http://c2sv.com/
Thanks for the tips!
Fun fact: the Breeders were originally scheduled to play C2SV, which is why our hotel arrangements are there and not in SF. The show was moved the day we booked our hotel. Like, MINUTES after. Hahahahahahaha…damn it.
p.s. I like beer, so thanks extra for that. Also ice cream. You got my number for sure.
PRAISE BE TO ALL THE GODS MY SOUL-SUCKING TEMP ASSIGNMENT HAS AN END DATE. LET US REJOICE WITH FEASTS AND REVELRY.
I mean I still don’t have a real job or permanent residence but this is a good thing anyways.
DRINK FROM THE KEG OF GLORY. HAVE YOUR PEONS BRING YOU THE FINEST MUFFINS AND BAGELS IN ALL THE LAND.
you guys I have now been on THREE dates (with the same dude) and they have been great!!! yay!!!!!!!
hey, CONGRATS that is fantastic! I hope it keeps going well!
Thanks in part to the cold snap in Chicago, I am coming down with a cold. Maybe I can get out of work early today?? I was just informed by one of my worst mansplainy interns that “preggos need, like, 10 hours of sleep” Cool. I’ll work on that.
One of my grandfathers (95! jeez!) was just put into a nursing home, and immediately afterwards my grandma broke her BACK and is in need of 24 hour care to make sure she handles her pain meds okay, and THEN my other grandpa maybe just had a stroke?? I’m thinking that list of undergrad excuses has jinxed my grandparents.
In crafty news I just decided I need to make a quilt, so I cut out 120 squares of fabric this week. Quilt Assemble! Any crafty fall projects on your dockets?
Finally getting somewhere with a brown, black, and white Tennessee Waltz (a.k.a. 54-40 or fight) that I’ve been doing on and off for literally years. I love the stage when you actually get to lay the pieces out side by side and squint to blur your vision and kinda see what the finished thing will look like. (I do not like the corresponding realization that I need to add more squares to make it big enough. Or I could just do borders… many borders…)
That sounds terrible, and all at once! I’m sending good thoughts your way. I hope all your grandparents get well soon
I’m also working on a quilt but I’m starting to doubt I’ll ever finish it.
I’m still working on last fall’s crafty projects (two quilts for my spawn). Maybe this fall is the time of completion!
Sorry about your grandparents.
Any crafty fall projects on your dockets?
My #1 project is getting rid of most of my craft supplies. =D
Let’s see:
– I promised a friend a skull shawl for Xmas last year, hopefully I will have it done by Halloween (i need the pattern to do it, so it is taking longer than some things that are just “repeat pattern until done”)
– I ordered a kit for a shawl that was pretty & my friend saw the yarn and pattern and thought it was really pretty so I am hoping to finish it by her birthday and make it a surprise
– Friend 1 posted something on FB that she liked, so I have found the pattern and will hopefully be able to make it for Xmas this year
– College friends just announced on FB that they are expecting in the spring, so baby blanket & hat will be forthcoming.
– I bought myself a bunch of patterns for cardigans/blazers so once all of these other things are done I will hopefully be making myself a pretty and professional jacket to wear at the office
Toasties, thanks for all your advice when I was asking about when/how to have The Relationship Talk! I took christonacracker’s approach of announcing what I needed and giving a blank stare and it worked really well.
me: “What are we doing here? I’m really anxious about not knowing. [stare]”
him: “I really like you and I want to be exclusive.”
Anyway, I’m really stoked about this guy and I think he’s a generally A+ dude. Unfortunately, he got laid off the other day and is having a hard time of it. I’m wondering if anyone has advice on how to support him without being overbearing (especially since we’ve been official for less than a week!).
hey congrats! That is a great tactic, I will try to remember it for the future.
Re the layoff — honestly I’d try to shut up about it, mostly, especially because you haven’t been dating that long. Let him know that you’re available to talk if he wants to, of course, but otherwise wait for him to bring it up.
I’m with paperbgprincess on this. Accommodate his fragile male sensibilities by leaving it up to him to discuss. When choosing activities, pick things that are cheap and fun. When he wants to talk about it, listen and offer help in the ways that work for you. For me, this is things like, “Oh, I know someone who works in that field: would you like me to call her and see if she’s hiring?” or “I’d be happy to help you refurbish your resume.”
Blunderboyfriend got fired in spectacular fashion (a story for another time) about a month after we started seeing each other. There were two long years of me making A LOT more money than he did, and the ego stickiness that comes with it.
Also, nice job on The Talk! That is some ninja shit right there.
I would let him know that you’re always here to listen when he needs to talk, and then wait for him to do so.
My go-to show of support/love is “little treats,” usually of the snack food/reading material variety. Like, “Oh, on my way here I picked up some of those brownies you like” or “I saw this month’s XYZ magazine/comic is out, so I picked it up for you.” It’s not extravagant or overbearing, but it shows that you care and that you are thinking of him when he’s not around. Also “little treats” are the first things that get cut when you are unemployed but paradoxically, they are often the types of things than can brighten a day. So by picking them up for him, he gets the happiness but does not have to stress about the money.
I’ll put another tally mark in the “success” column for the ol’ “uncomfortable stare” tactic! If he’s only been laid off a week, I think it’s safe to wait until he makes a comment about it, and then let him know you’re willing to Talk About It or Not Talk About It, whatever he needs at that point. Of course, you retain rights to change that policy if he abuses it.
One thing that I found really helpful when I was laid off was to assign one or two friends to spread the news for me so that I didn’t constantly have to respond to people’s questions about work with “Well, actually …”. It probably should be someone other than you who does this, but it could potentially be something you suggest, or you could do the asking of a mutual friend on his behalf if it is a thing he wants but does not quite feel up to dealing with. (As long as it has been fully confirmed that he wants you to ask the mutual friend, of course!) Getting laid off sucks no matter what, but it helps a lot if you don’t have to spend the next few weeks constantly explaining your situation to people.
I am currently at the annual board meeting of my Very Prestigious Medical Journal and wearing heels :/ and was strongly encouraged to wear tights and long sleeves to cover my tattoos. I feel like a phony. Though my heels are quite witchy and we get to leave after lunch and that means I begin weekend drinking earlier than usual.
I am also bookended by people with MDs at the end of their placards and it makes me too nervous to check my Facebook. But nothing will deter me from The Toast!
I appreciate your commitment to Toast.
And don’t fret about those dumb letters! I know a couple of doctors who are toooootal weirdos. They’re all probably checking their Facebooks too, they just have a lot more student debt. ๐
A+ screen name. Every time I see it, I want to high five you.
Thanks! I’m pretty proud of it ๐ I just need to find an image to go alongside
Haha lots of my doc friends are on FB all the time, so I definitely wouldn’t worry about it. But some of them are basically real-life Mindy Lahiris so, YMMV.
Yikes! Open Thread went up earlier than I expected! Okay, so for those who were interested in my patterns, the link for browsing/claiming is here. I’ve allowed anonymous commenting, but I’ve never allowed it before, so let me know if you’re unable to leave a comment.
Livejournal is blocked at my work. *throws arm over eyes, throws self on chaise*
Uugggghghghggh. Hmmmm. How about if I link the images and you can tell me if you’re interested in any and I can reserve them for you.
Dresses 1
Dresses 2
Dresses 3
Dresses 4
Dresses 5
Dresses 6
Dresses 7
Dresses 8
Suits/Wardrobes 1
Suits/Wardrobes 2
Suits/Wardrobes 3
Tops 1
Tops 2
Bottoms 1
Bottoms 2
Jackets 1
Jackets 2
Jackets 3
Mens 1
Mens 2
Misc 1
Misc 2
Misc 3
Can you see those? If so, comment here with the ones you like and I’ll post a comment for you.
No, those don’t work either, but thank you so much for doing that. You are so kind! I even tried to route around our server but the pictures still won’t load (I can’t read anything on Buzzfeed, either). Oh well! Maybe some other time I’ll be at home, haha.
RATS. Sorry.
There are still A LOT of patterns left and it’s 3:55 CST so perhaps there will still be some you like when you get home!
I left a comment from LJ, but I’m out of quota time for the next few minutes – I will email you as soon as possible, if that’s okay?
I’m not sure what you mean? But yeah, take your time emailing me your mailing address. The only rush is on YOUR side so you can reserve the patterns you want! =)
Haha, sorry – there are certain websites that my work won’t let me view and I can only see them while using quota time, which is obnoxious but I understand why – and LJ and Gmail are among those! It’s terrible. Either way, email is ready to be sent as soon as I step out for lunch!
must. resist. buying. more. patterns.
(I already have 12 binders full of them)
I have two four-drawer filing cabinets-full. THEY NEED TO GO.
It is my turn to host our local baking club tomorrow! It’s only the second meeting. After a discussion of lemon tarts a few weeks ago on an open thread, people recommended to me that I try a thing called Shaker Lemon Pie (I am British so had never heard of this). Anyway – that’s what we’re making! The Smitten Kitchen recipe. My sliced lemons are smooshing up in my kitchen right now and I’m very excited. I hope though that I have converted 4 tablespoons of butter to grams correctly. I have NEVER understood how butter can go into tablespoons. Like, do you literally put a measuring spoon into a block of butter and then scoop what you get into your bowl for baking? It seems very messy so I feel this is an unlikely method, but how ELSE?
Weighing ingredients in metric units yea!
In the States, butter is sold in sticks wrapped in wax paper. The paper is marked. You cut the stick of butter, still wrapped, at the line marked for 2 tablespoons, for example.
So far as I understand, a one-pound block of butter is officially two cups. So usually I just divide it into roughly even bits by eye. Four tablespoons is one-quarter of a cup, so it’s one-eighth of a block of butter, so you just mark a line with the knife dividing the block in half, and then divide one of those halves again, and continue until you’re down to the right amount.
Weighing it is probably smarter.
Oh, or you can use the markings on the paper like RoseCamelia says, but they never quite line up with the edges of the butter block for me, and I don’t want to take the butter off the paper entirely.
I’m in Canada, so we have blocks of butter instead of sticks. Maybe the markings line up better on the sticks.
As said above, the sticks are marked, but the whole system is bullshit nonsense and I want us to switch to metric weights posthaste. I do a lot of scaling of my baking recipes and it’s an absolute nightmare figuring some of these things out. (3 t to a T, 4 T to a quarter cup, etc etc etc NONSENSE.)
Thanks to everyone for explaining the lines. We have 50g lines on our blocks of butter, but I don’t use them as I prefer to weigh for accuracy. I think Absotively is probably right that lines on smaller sticks are more accurate though, so it all makes sense.
(although I understand now, I agree with EPWordsnatcher that metric weights is the most sensible thing. However, I have never asked anyone on any online recipes to convert to metric, a la Mallory’s article about the comments under online recipes the other day! Whew!)
My cookbooks and some online sites have conversions to metric weights, so I’d probably look there. Although I’ve been baking since I was a child so I know what a tablespoon of butter is by sight/feel. Weighing is so much easier
I made that! I didn’t slice my lemons thin enough so it was too sour, but it was still kind of good, IMO (my other tastes did not agree).
I like the sourness, it’s like an eggy lemon marmelade pie.
US butter stick wrappers have lines on them (1 stick = 8 tablespoons, usually, so 8 lines per wrapper); you just cut off however much you need.
help, i have a commute crush.
there is a dude who gets on at the same train station as me, same car, same time, and then get off at the same station and go into the same building (it’s a big building, so that’s not as exciting as it seems, but). i mean, he’s cute and all but mostly i am intrigued. at least this gives me motivation to catch my train on time?
tell me your commute crush stories please.
Not a romantic crush, but there’s another woman who bikes the same route as me who is speedy as hell, and it’s inspiring.
yes! there’s a badass elderly lady who has the same commute as me and she just DASHES up the steps out of the train station. i try to keep up with her, oof.
It’s not a crush, but I often see a guy who’s always in a button down, tie, and dress slacks but no suit jacket, with his tightly-curled hair in a low bun. We get off at the same stop and walk in the same direction for about two blocks and a lot of times he’ll pull out his bun and shake his hair out and it reminds me of a shampoo commercial and it’s great.
haha, this guy also has long, wavy hair that is beautiful! as a lady who is about 2.5 months into growing out a pixie cut, i do a lot of staring at it with intense envy.
I am charmed. He might be a witch, I’m so charmed.
Not really crushes but:
When waiting for a late night train (after the Toast event in NYC!!) I started talking to some random cute but stone-faced guy about TV shows. Then when I left I said “well I started speaking to you bc you’re good-looking” and he smiled shyly and I was like “well my mission is complete!” and then changed trains.
Also, on one train ride I saw some teen girls kiss-tussling and it was the cutest thing EVER. Their friend was rolling her eyes but smiling in this way that made me wonder if the girls themselves even knew how obvious their affection was. TL;DR: I stumbled on the beginning of the cutest gay girl romance!!
both of these things make me v v happy.
SULAGNA!
There used to be a young man who ran in the opposite direction to me so we’d be jogging toward each other for a while and it was sort of tempting to stretch my arms out and run right into him.
I think he smiled at me a few times. Or grimaced.
Anyway.
haha oh the good ol’ smile/grimace, how i know you well.
I am definitely guilty of the ambiguous smile/grimace while running, mostly because I am usually super cheerful about the fact that I’m running and want to smile at everyone but also running is hard and I can’t control my face.
I always have to stifle the urge to high-five people running in the opposite direction, also.
I havr a bus-husband when I am commuting (on the coach). He gets on a stop after me, if the seat next to me is free he sits next to me even if there are other free seats, and immediately falls asleep with his head on my shoulder. The bus leaves at 5am for me, so I am normally already asleep by the time he gets there. This has been going on for nearly 6 years now, although the last year I’ve been working at home so he has probably found another bus-wife now.
We have never exchanged a word. I saw him in the kebab shop once on a weekend and we both just stared in horror. (We’re British.)
OMG the elaborate stories my head has spun from that tale!
I am reasonably sure that one day when I am back to commuting we are going to wake up when we get to London to find we’re spooning or something. I quite often wake up with his head on my shoulder and my head on his.
I love this so much!
oh my god this is too good. he sleeps with his head on your shoulder and yet you never said a word to each other??? too much to handle.
oh my god, this is incredible.
This is adorable. In my head you two end up awkwardly working in the same place, fall in love but are in denial about it, encounter an Obstacle, which is resolved with one of you declaring your love while being rained on and the crowd of strangers around you in the bus stop bursts into spontaneous applause. And then the last scene is you two sleeping on the bus with your head on each other again but like, holding hands.
So yeah basically I have syrup for brains. This is what happens when you spend 4 years writing about death and repression and savagery and sterility in T.S.Eliot.
There’s a fella who I occasionally see on the bus who wears the pants of a hipster, who has the beard of a lumberjack, and who speaks with an accent of I-know-not-where. He is oddly delectable.
A commute crush is how I met my wife.
!!! i need more info, this sounds like the cutest of meet-cutes to me.
Not sure it is so exciting, basically we would often ride the same bus everyday, and gradual caught each other’s eye. Nods and smiles or recognition turned into ‘hellos’, turned into casual chats, eventually we got lunch (we both worked in the same building at the time) and things progressed from there :). I think the main breakthrough was when a crowded bus meant that the only open seat I had was next to her, so that’s when we started chatting the first time.
i was right, this is super cute ๐
Thanks :). Good luck with your commute crush!
Once I passed by a super cute lady three Thursdays in a row. The first two, we made eye contact and smiled at each other. The third time I was really sad about something I’d read in a manga the night before (character death ;_;) and so I didn’t smile back. I never saw her again.
I don’t have any really, but you should read Eleanor and Park on the train and give him meaningful looks. This will probably totally backfire, because when has reading YA fiction every helped anyone pick up dudes (never?) but still.
I would see this guy on the F train all the time when I worked in DUMBO, and he was handsome in this really striking, unusual way. Then I saw him performing in a Williamsburg Fashion Show, then wandering around somewhere randomly. . .and then finally at an art gallery, when I was quite drunk, which resulted in me marching up to him and going “YOU’RE MY TALL AFRICAN GUY”. Fortunately, he had seen I Heart Huckabees and as a result only appeared to be mildly terrified by this declaration. Also it turned out we had been working in the same building.
Oh man one of my favorite romance novels has a commute meet-cute! It seems very Toast-appropriate- About Last Night by Ruthie Knox. Some major ooph in the feels there!
(She is a tattooed American with a messy background working on a textile exhibit at the V&A involving knitting and social justice, he is an adorable privileged banker that she thinks of as City until she gets to know him).
You guys I went on the most Toast-Approved date EVER last night. Date is a historian/archaeologist specializing in ANCIENT MAGIC. We went swing dancing (!), and then proceeded to wander around the city canoodling in public parks like teenage dirtbags. It was AWESOME. Plz cross your fingers for me that this one does not disappear into the ether like all the others.
that sounds FANTASTIC. Fingers crossed!!!
Fingers crossed!!!!! Date sounds like an A+ awesome person and here’s hoping it continues that way!
YES GOOD
Okay I am fingers-crossed, because I so want to hear the further adventures of this relationship. You’ve already been so adorably iconic. I want to know about the figuring skating and the roller coaster and the sharing ice cream cones and the arcane treasure hunt and ALL OF IT.
ANCIENT MAGIC WHAT
Seriously. He’s doing a PhD, the other day he gave a lecture to the undergrads about Persian demon-trapping bowls. There may eventually come a day when this does not tickle me, but it is not this day.
This is, for me, one of those moments when you realise you desperately need something that you never knew existed until now.
Are you sure he’s not studying to be a Watcher?
I am currently at the annual board meeting of my Very Prestigious Medical Journal and wearing heels :/ and was strongly encouraged to wear tights and long sleeves to cover my tattoos. I feel like a phony. Though my heels are quite witchy and we get to leave after lunch and that means I begin weekend drinking earlier than usual.
I’m going to San Francisco next week! I’m seeing old friends and lots of Toasties and writers. I’m not sure what to expect though. The public transport is called BART? Are the trains called Arnie? Is there fog? Is it…warm?
It is warm right now, because September is basically our summer. But definitely bring a jacket. Have you been introduced to our fog yet? on twitter he is @KarlTheFog.
(also hi i am going to meet you next week!!)
OMG San Francisco that’s adorable!! Can’t wait to walk through the fog like a film noir femme fatale.
I’m excited to meet you! I’ve been tossing around the idea of moving to the Bay Area so I will have lots of questions!
WAIT YOU’RE THINKING OF MOVING HERE? DUDE JUST FYI I WILL SPEND ALL OF OUR TIME TOGETHER TRYING TO CONVINCE YOU TO DO THAT.
LAYERS. Always carry layers with you. Went into my chiro appt. yesterday after work and it was sunny and mid-high 60’s, and all the doggies in the dog park were frolicking joyfully. I came out of my appointment thirty minutes later and the temperature had dropped 10+ degrees and the fog was rolling in so fast it looked like a recording that was sped up, because a crazy gusty wind had picked up.
the subway is called BART, the bus/tram is called MUNI, the food is delicious, the fog is…foggy, the weather is warm this time of year for sure (70s) but bring a jacket because microclimates are a thing and also, yes, the fog..
Oh yeah, well Seattle has the SLUT to conveniently trolley you around South Lake Union!
(Okay, they changed it from “Trolley” to “Streetcar” once they realized the acronym but I will never not refer to it as the SLUT)
The weather is fun, I used to take the bus across the city east-west, and you could tell who was getting off where based on the thickness of their jacket.
Personal finance thread! What is up with your fetti this week toasties?
How do you all do groceries? Our bills are very stable week to week, so my husband gets one week and I get the next ( we never fully merged our bank accounts). What works for all y’all?
I mentioned above that I just got smacked with an $800 car repair bill, so I am once again in panic mode. I’ve gotten so much better at tracking my stuff and where it goes, and I was just about to start doing some heavy damage on my CC bill, but now it’s all out the window. I even started to sell off some of my toy collection (don’t suppose there are any Toasties interested in some vintage or current My Little Ponies or Monster High dolls?)
The one good thing is that my father has fronted me the money so I can pay him back at my leisure, so no interest or things like that. Ugh.
If/when you put them Ponies up for sale, email me the link (blunderbusst at gmail). Little sister is a fan and her birthday AND christmas are coming up.
I just sent you an email! I’d be so happy knowing they are going to an Actual Young Girl and not a creepy brony.
Got it! And she’s going to be 33… does that count as Actual Young Girl? (She would say “hell yes.”)
We go together and split it down the middle. The we inevitably trade back and forth with treats and forgotten items.
I spent SO MUCH MONEY yesterday and feel stupidly bad about it even though I can afford it, and there’s a semi-legitimate claim to be made that I needed the stuff (good fall/early winter boots, nice black heels for interviews/work/etc). I also lent a substantial amount to a good friend in need, so it looks like September is going to be a tight month over here.
ohhh what kind of boots did you get? I live somewhere with only rain, no winter, so I just much about in Tretorns.
Dark brown knee-high leather boots from Geox! I would link you but they’re not on their website yet.
I was just cruising along and about to pay the gas bill yesterday when I realized there was only $300 in the checking account. Nearly gave me a panic attack! Mr. fish and I both get paid Monday, and I realize $300 is not nothing, but I don’t ever like to let it get under $1,000. Daycare is expensive!! Time to actually really redo the budget to account for the tiny expensive person, who refuses to get a job already. (I mean, she can hold her head up, why can’t she do data entry or something?)
We do groceries out of a joint account (and also bills, mortgage, student loans, car expenses – basically anything that isn’t fun, plus things that we share like food) and then we each have our own checking account where we get an allowance to blow on lego or bicycles or whatever without anyone policing the others’ buying habits (that would be me, as I am pretty insecure about money (see above re: required four-figure checking account)). We also have a network of savings accounts for various things (vacations, house stuff, emergency, and general / baby having currently). There are many auto-transfers and a couple of paycheck withholdings that make it all happen mostly automatically. It seems quite complicated, but I have engineered it to minimize Bad Feelings and money-related anxiety, and it works well (except when I don’t update the budget to account for daycare, which I may have mentioned is expensive).
We just take turns. More or less.
What really happens is that I go to the grocery store on Saturday and buy the things I’ll need for the week (cereal, sandwich stuff) and ingredients for whatever I want to make for dinners Sat and Sun. Then he goes on Monday or Tuesday (or Thursday), gets the things he needs, and whatever ingredients for dinners for the week (2-3 nights, mixed in with leftovers and eating out). I’m pretty sure it all evens out. I stick to things that tend to stay cheap (chicken thighs, sausage). He shops sales for red meat and nice cuts of fish. It’s a weird system, and totally against any advice I’ve ever seen, but it works for us.
The way we do groceries is not entirely satisfactory. My boyfriend works 12 hour days, 6 days a week, and I do most of the cooking, so I do all the grocery shopping, too. The mortgage and all the bills are in my boyfriend’s name (because I moved into his place and we didn’t bother changing them), and I pay him a lump sum once a month. I track my grocery purchases with Mint and then take half of that off the lump sum. I don’t really like it, though. I don’t like doing all the groceries, and while I like to eat well and spend way more of my monthly expenses on groceries, I can’t shake a guilty feeling for forcing him to spend a lot, too. It’s the best compromise we can come up with, though, so I think it’s sticking around for now.
I lived with a boyfriend for a while and this is pretty close to what we did, mostly because it felt silly to keep writing each other checks for halves of things all month. Eventually we figured out that the utilities and food were about the same as the rent, so he paid the rent and I paid the other stuff and that worked a lot better.
Do y’all know about Splitwise.com? It’s exactly for this problem.
My household is me, my sister, and her husband. She and I are on the same bi-weekly pay schedule and he’s weekly. She “has a system,” so every payday I give her $90 and my grocery needs. She and husband put an equal amount of money into the grocery pot, which brings our monthly grocery budget to about $540.
She does a big shopping trip on our payday weeks, which includes the bigger items like toilet paper, laundry detergent, razors, anything else pricey, and a pick-up trip on the in-between weeks for things like fresh fruit/vegetables and lunch needs. She and I both do Weight Watchers, so our grocery needs are similar.
We do the monthly bills the same way, because she is a dictator who takes after our dad. It’s looking like I will be moving out sometime next year, and I hope to reduce my grocery bill a bunch when that happens, since I’ll be a little more in control of that spending; i.e., I’ll get to be the dictator. $540 seems like a lot for 3 people, but I can’t convince her to look into ways to bring our costs down.
(I’m also looking forward to not paying for cable, since I don’t ever use it!)
That does seem like a big number for 3 – I think we spend about 200 and we are just two.
It always seems a little weird to me too, but it includes all our household needs, not just groceries, plus we eat a lot of fruits and vegetables. Then again, some weeks I’m like, “why is there no food I can cook for dinner?”
When I think of it in terms of $180 a month for all my food and household supplies, it’s not so bad. I look forward to next year when I move out and start managing my own household again to see if I can bring that number down. It’s been so long since I did my own grocery shopping (8 years now we’ve lived together) that I have no idea how much things cost anymore.
how, how do you do this?!
I’ve been thinking on it, because I never really have before! We cook probably 99% of our meals in house. Maybe once a month we’ll grab a beer or a pizza or go out – never buy lunch at work. We have a separate saving account we pay into each cheque for going out or take-away. About three times a year we do a massive stock up trip to the US (we’re Canadian and grocery items are so expensive comparatively), we save for these biweekly as well, and spend about $600-700 on each trip, getting dried goods, things like butter and cheddar we can freeze, canned food, household paper, etc. Once a week we plan our dinners and lunches for the week and go to the cheap grocery store in our town. We spend about $25-30 getting yogurt and veggies for the week and that’s it! We very rarely get meat (always on sale and cheaper cuts) and always eat on sale and in season produce (for example, we always want cauliflower, but it’s typically $4.99 a head here, so we only get it when it goes on sale). Pretty boringly is how we do it ๐ Cooking is our big hobby, and we feel we eat SO luxuriously.
lol my boyfriend and I spend ~$500 a month on groceries for TWO people. We cook almost every single meal though. We never really eat out.
That’s fair! None of us eat out either, unless it’s a special occasion.
I feel like I should also mention somewhere that she and I also have Capital One (formerly ING) accounts and since we both work for the state and our checks are direct deposited on the same day, we really utilize the person-to-person payment feature of our respective bank accounts. Perfect for those, “Hey, you want extra mango for smoothies this month? Send me an extra $5.” days.
Aldi is where it’s at for groceries. As long as you don’t mind bringing your own bags and bagging yourself. Saves us a ton of money! I do have to go to a more upscale grocer to get a few things Aldi doesn’t carry. We also have a big garden and we buy all our meat in bulk direct from the source (country livin’, y’all).
My husband and I didn’t merge our money for the first few years of our marriage (I was reluctant), but our financial adviser finally convinced me and it has been working out pretty well. We have a shared checking account where our paychecks go, all shared expenses come out of that and then we have personal checking accounts that are used for personal expenses and fun stuff.
I LOVE ALDI!!! The Aldis by me don’t allow credit card purchases, though. Cash only. But holy crap, everything is so good there.
I’m only buying food for myself, but what I tend to do is make a run to Target at the beginning of the month for one huge haul. I pick up stuff that’ll stay good through the month there (nonperishables, lunch items, frozen foods, a few perishables like yogurt and milk and produce) and pay for it all on my store credit card, which gives me a 5% discount. Paying for it on the store card (which I pay off in full monthly) also reduces the load on my main card, which I’m trying to reduce the balance on. Then through the month I’ll go to the local grocery to restock on perishables and pick up on-sale stuff (i.e., last weekend I snagged a whole bunch of chicken and froze it for future use).
I have been living in a place that’s just…okay. For now. Periodically I whine about how expensive apartments are, and then I sigh and give up. Over the past week though, I’ve been plagued with some kind of insect in my apartment that is biting any exposed skin at night and leaves very itchy scary-looking marks. My landlady was quick to call the exterminator but he didn’t find anything, and meanwhile I am getting eaten alive even though I go to bed covered in bug repellant.
Long story short, moving has become much more attractive to me and I might even be ready to stretch the budget to get something I’ll actually like. On the other hand, the longer I hold out the bigger the downpayment. Arghh, I don’t know what to do.
Anyone ever, uh, just up and quit their job with nothing else lined up? Not that I have done this, but if I do this, will I starve to death? Tell me your stories?
Seconding this question, asking for a friend
Yes! I wish I had looked for another job first. I am still very happy that I quit the first one, but definitely should’ve had something else lined up. (There were reasons why I didn’t that seemed like good reasons at the time but turned out not to be.)
It totally depends on your field and the job market therein. I’d say go for it if you have enough savings to last 6-12 months without a job.
I did it! The first job was making me so miserable I was stress-puking every morning before work and sleeping all weekend. I also had regular 12-hour days so between that and the being miserable thing I didn’t have any time/energy for job searching and decided to just quit and put all my focus there. I was unemployed for about a month before finding some regular freelance work that turned into a full time job. I had the most savings & the cheapest rent I’ve ever had when I quit, though. It worked out but I don’t know if I’d do it again!
I’ve done it more than once and it’s awesome.
Staying in the crappy job makes me complacent and I don’t look for anything better. Quitting with no safety net puts some hustle in my bustle.
One time, I gave notice with nothing else lined up, walked across the street for a cup of coffee, ran into a friend of a friend, and had a job offer before the barista took my order. Nature abhors a vacuum, or so I’ve heard.
Your employment history is all about how you tell the story. If you’re worried about your resume, you can start doing some freelance or volunteer work to explain the gaps.
Do you generally find that you live a charmed life, though? Because that is some badass shit right there.
That was indeed a day full of wonder and excitement and general “holy shit the universe is looking out for me?!?” Not all my days are like that.
This is going to sound super hippy dippy, but I have found that attitude plays a big part in shaping the events of my life. I might be a more optimistic/positive/Pollyanna-ish type person than other people, and that attitude might attract some of those magical moments.
It’s a working theory. I mean, it’s not like my PMA kept my mom from dying of lymphoma or anything. On the other hand, it sure has helped me make terribly crass jokes about her!
I could never do this, because I’m just too paranoid and I’d hate to ask family for money in the event my savings ran out (which would happen quickly, where I live). My roommate, however, did and would recommend it to anyone even though she blew through her cash in the blink of an eye, and then ran up HUGE, massive credit card debt which she is nowhere near paying off 2 years later. I thought my roommate acted rashly and immaturely, taking such a great financial risk (esp. since other people would suffer – her roommates – if she were unable to pay rent and bills); but she thinks I’m a soulless stick-in-the-mud for prioritizing practicality over job satisfaction. But like others have said – if you’ve got the savings on hand, and you’re willing to risk using all your money, or you think you’ll be able to get a new job fairly quickly, then do what you gotta do.
I did! I not only quit but did a big self-indulgent scene in my exit interview where I rebuked them sternly for having lied to me in the hiring process. burned all my bridges, felt really good about it. got out of Indiana forever. I did not have real savings but I did have relatives in DC who let me stay in their house all summer while I looked for work in return for paying their cleaning woman every week. It was not financially wise but it is several years later and I am still alive.
edit: forgot to mention this was the heart of 2008/2009, financial crash time. some would call my actions foolhardy. but it gets harder to be dumb the older you get so I am glad I was thorough about it.
I did! My workplace had been in decline for a while, my coworker left and wasn’t replaced, and guess who inherited her workload. Five months of this with only vague mutterings that it would be resolved and I was steadily burning out. THEN my employer revoked the flexible schedule option that I was on, and I was DONE. I was happily unemployed for nine months. It was costly in terms of draining my savings and maxing my credit card, and I could not have gone as long if I hadn’t had a roommate to share expenses, but I have no regrets. I needed the break. Eventually moved and found another job with a much better environment.
I went real-life open water swimming with a wetsuit and everything earlier this week and I LOVED IT and apparently now through the winter is prime wetsuit sale season??? Honestly the last thing I need to buy this year is more expensive sporting equipment but if I finally got a wetsuit I could do triathlons??? Any other open water swimmers here? I tried an Xterra…4? suit and didn’t really like it, does you have any others you really like?
I want to be an open water swimmer! Joining this thread to hear other folks’ suggestions.
No advice on open water, but I got a swimmer-specific gym bag and it is fantastic. Little compartments for things so everything doesn’t get wet and smelly, its great. Mine is speedo brand and was like $30 and I don’t know what I didn’t do this years ago.
Commander got out of the apartment last night, and I was PANICKING and FREAKING OUT and I didn’t realize until about midnight, and of course she is a little black cat and impossible to see at night. I worried a lot about her.
I woke up earlyish and went outside to look, and saw that something had eaten the food I left out (though it could have been anything.) I was debating emailing work to be like “looking for my cat back later ok?” and then I went out into the backyard, and she was there, chilling on the neighbor’s back porch, with her collar missing.
Cats are dumb.
But she is home now and safe, and I emailed my landlady to be like CAN WE PUT A SCREEN IN THIS WINDOW because I always forget that that one window doesn’t have a screen, and I will buy her a new collar and tag today and count myself lucky.
Something like that happened to me once – I let my cat (“Cats-cats”) out into my stockade fenced yard. Then she was gone. I spent hours wandering the neighborhood looking for her. Finally, I just went back into the yard, totally freaking out. And what do I spy but two tiny paws under a tiny gap in the fence. And a Cats-cats nose.
She got out of the fence and then spent the rest of the time trying to get back in. I just assumed she’d be miles away, because cats. Nope. She sat there and waited for me to come get her. Now she almost never tries to get out of the fence, and when she does I echo-locate her, based on where the neighborhood squirrels are barking.
After the new collar, buy a window screen and install it yourself. Yes, ideally, landlady would do this and pay for it. But Commander’s safety is too important. Landlady might not reimburse you for the screen, but she cannot object to it. You can always remove it, after all.
Oh, no worries. My landlady was all “What? That screen is missing?” And I was like “i know right” and she asked me to doublecheck that it hadn’t been removed and placed in the closet or on the back porch, and if not she’d get one. Landlady is best landlady. I think she might be magical.
GIANT RELIEF.
Oh man, I’m glad she is okay!
My dog managed to get out once while we were away (I think the side door to the garage was open, or something stupid like that?) and she made a BOLT FOR FREEDOM; one of the neighbors caught her and had her corralled by the time we got home because the dumb butt was running up and down the street, trying to figure out which house was ours. Animals!
Once when she was a little kitten, Bonny went exploring and fell out of our open kitchen window, into the garden of the man who lives below us.
She couldn’t get out and was stuck there for hours until he got home and I could get out there with the carrier.
She grazed her face and chipped a tooth and learned her lesson about open windows.
(my cats have outdoor access now they are grown up and have never gone out of our housing block, the clingy cowards)
For a moment I thought Commander was the name of your SO and I was so very, very confused.
My cat can’t jump or climb because he is not so good at being a cat, but the up side is that we can let him into our fences yard and he usually can’t escape. Unfortunately, after two years in this yard, he finally has realized he can wriggle under the fence to our neighbour’s yard. This has resulted in a couple “fun” “games” of keep-away where I try and get him without weirding our neighbours by running around their yard, while he waits until I’m just about to catch him before rocketing off across the yard. We really need to lower that fence, or alternately, the snow needs to come so he can’t sneak under or run with any speed.
My neighbors have a tiny dog that LOVES to play keep-away with them in the courtyard. I feel a little bad but can’t help but laugh when I see them try to sidle up to the dog and grab it, only to have it take off before they get close. It is clear that the dog is having the time of its life!
I’m so glad you found her – I was worried. I don’t let my cats outside. We have nesting eagles, osprey, screech owls, and foxes in our woods, and today we heard about a mountain lion sighting, which means I won’t go outside alone now either
I know a woman who just found her lost kitty after two months. Two months! Cats are amazing, and dumb.
Exciting news: a cougar sighting in the woods near my house (when I say near, I mean less than a half mile) http://fcpdnews.wordpress.com/2014/09/11/possible…
Fingers crossed that it’s Steve French, and he’s just kind of lost and disoriented, not…hungry.
Whoa! NEAT!
I mean, also…uh…dangerous?
Neat and dangerous. I will not be going outside alone. I’m disabled, so I can’t escape that fast, making me prime mountain lion prey.
I am getting married in ONE WEEK and I am NERVOUS and EXCITED and would also love some suggestions for keeping it as breezy as possible through the coming SEVEN DAYS.
Congratulations! At that point I was kind of like “Eh, if it isn’t done yet, it isn’t getting done” and just gave it all up.
Also, if you are a list person, MAKE LISTS. Of EVERY damn little thing you might need. List of getting-ready things if you’re doing that somewhere other than home. Lists of emergency supplies. Lists of phone numbers you may need. Put together a schedule (“wake up at X, eat breakfast at Y, shower at Y:30, start getting hair done at D:25, depart at whenever”) because it will HELP.
Congratulations!!
I suggest – make a list of, like, 5 things that really matter / have to get done between now & then. Maybe not even things that require much from you, just the things that are important. Then when you find yourself obsessive over some little non-list thing, be all “wait, THAT’S not on my list! What do I care? Just go with the green one! DONE!” and pat yourself on the back.
Also make a list of “what do I care” tasks and when people get interfering / “how can I help” / just are in your space and you want them gone because it’s YOU time, not THEM time, be all “Gee, it would be SUCH A HELP to me if you could go and figure out if this should be green or not? I’m leaning towards green but I can’t decide and I trust you to take care of it for me with your impeccable taste, thanks ever so much, bye now!” and then pat yourself on the back again.
GENIUS
In eight days you will be all done and you’ll be married and it will be wonderful.
Congratulations!
Try hard not to stress too much. If by now its not done, it’s not that important.
Delegate someone to be your secretary. They take calls and decide what comes through to you. That way you don’t get all the panicked, stressful family calls.
Make lists of emergency numbers.
Make sure someone has both an emergency clothing repair kit (needles, thread in the colours of your clothes, your partners clothes, and any other official people’s clothing, safety pins, buttons etc)
By this point in the proceedings I was basically in a fugue state, and then I got really drunk at the wedding itself.
I second these suggestions, and in addition to delegating someone have an emergency kit of clothing repair etc, maybe throw in some other emergency supplies too (band aids for blisters, clear nail polish, bobby pins, double-sided clothing/boob tape, scissors, tissues, etc.)
Also:
If you are going to bustle your dress, make sure you know how to do it ahead of time, so no one is kneeling on the floor of the bathroom looking for button loops/squinting at it trying to figure out how things are supposed to be rigged up to stay bustled.
Plus, if someone owns a clothes steamer, it can come in handy to have it available when people’s formal clothing comes out of their suitcase/garment bag kind of crumpled and they are rushing to get ready?
But also: everything will be ok! No matter what happens, you will be married at the end of it, and hopefully everyone will have had a good time! People are there because they love you and support you, not to have seen a perfect show/have their every whim catered to. Keep breathing and it will be ok.
I have never been married, but congratulations! Everyone else here always seems to have great advice.
My update is all about the romance writing. Or publishing, actually. I’ve got a novella coming out on Tuesday, and I put it up to preorder and there have been more preorders on it than sales of the novel! (Actually, that may not be true. But it feels true. I need to run some reports.) And I put the novel on sale for $1 for the rest of the month, and the combination means I’m entering this scary world where most of the people who own things I wrote aren’t people I, somehow, personally conned.
And that means people not charmed by my expectant smile and puppy-dog eyes are going to, potentially, publicly rate me.
And that means I need more carbs.
Soothing, soothing carbs.
Anyway! On Tuesday you can get my novella for free. It has sex in it. And imaginary frogs.
Seconding roumbaba! I have a hand-me-down Kindle now and I want alll sorts of fun things to put on it.
Here’s my whole site, and most importantly, if you look at the “Roll of the Dice” tab you can see the illustration that our very own amazing Toastie icebergmama created. http://www.melaniegreene.com
Anyway, like I said, it’s not free on Amazon yet but give it a few days (I have to bombard them with ‘found it cheaper over here’ messages before they’ll change it) and it’ll show up as a $0 download.
Oh, cool! Could you put it up on the kobo site? I have a kobo rather than a kindle.
http://store.kobobooks.com/en-US/ebook/ready-to-r…
It’s not showing up as available yet. If you want (if any of y’all want) just email me – mel @ melaniegreene.com
I’ll email you the book directly
Excellent – I really enjoyed Rocket Man and have been keeping an eye out for more of your work!
See, now I’m all weepy again. Anyone seeking for magic words to make Mel cry, try “I really enjoyed [work X]”
Thanks!
Toasties, we have exchanged contracts on a house and should be picking up the keys next week! It’s only taken five months to get to this point! I am so excited not to be living in the rental house which has been annoying me for the last two years! Less excited about all the packing and the moving process but it’ll get done. You’re all welcome anytime, though not at the same time, cause that would get crowded.
Hugs for those who’ve been having crappy days/weeks recently, most of August felt that way to me. I will go catch up on your news now and then attempt a vegan gluten-free cake for a barbecue this weekend.
Hooray and congratulations! I hope the rest of the house-buying process goes as smoothly and painlessly as possible.
Toasties! My workplace finally stopped blocking the javascript files that let you read the replies on Toast comments and make comments yourself, and it is FANTASTIC to finally get to read what you are all saying. My productivity has plummeted, but this week has been delightful.
I don’t get SHIT done on Fridays, I tell you what.
Oh, c’mon. Everyone knows Fridays aren’t for doing things!
Not for things I get paid for, anyway.
I just watched Picnic at Hanging Rock and it was amaaaaaaaziiiing. Obviously my favorite was the slouchy lesbian orphan who wasn’t allowed to go on the field trip, presumably bc of poverty, but I also liked how the missing girl everyone wasn’t obsessed with looked exactly like the other one in glasses.
It’s so creepy and so queer and so dreamy. Also, the quasi-official explanation of what was going on/the ending which could have been is bonkers, with holes in the fabric of space-time and people turning into lizards etc. I’m trying to find where I was reading about that, though…
ETA: Here! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Secret_of_Hangin…
AAAAAAAAHHHHH PICNIC AT HANGING ROCK 4EVA
shameless self-plug/Toast plug: I wrote about Picnic at Hanging Rock for Valentine’s Day. It’s sandwiched between Pontypool and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, so readers who wish to remain unsullied/unspoiled on those films can just skip down to the illustration of Miranda STABBING A SHARP KITCHEN KNIFE into a heart-shaped cake.
Toasties, how do you learn to trust yourself to make big decisions? I’ve been in the process of buying a house for 9 months now and I’m doubting myself like crazy. The first house I was under contract for looked like it was going to fall though at the last minute and EVERYONE who had seen the house told me it was terrible and I should run away. Which I did but I’m still not sure it was the right decision. And several months later I’m still feeling unsure. I don’t like this feeling!
Doesn’t matter if it was the right thing; it’s the done thing.
And when buying a house, unless you have serious construction skillz and desire to spend all your free time using them, do stay away from anything with the slightest hint of dilapidation. There is always more than you can see, and more than your inspector will find!!
We spoke about this on #Toastie Twitter a few months ago! I tend to decide something and figure out particulars later, or I decide I want an apartment/job/etc and figure out details of what I want like “It should cost this much and these are what the people are like and etc.” In the end, I tend to go with my gut — the gut is directly connected via the vagus nerve to an unconscious part of your brain!
If you’re worried about the first house, maybe you wanted a fixer-upper? Or maybe you tend to second-guess yourself naturally? Or maybe you hate listening to people’s advice? Also, maybe this house isn’t the right one either, and having a house where you can see all the problems seems better than a house where you can’t put your finger on what the problem could be.
I just live my life with the knowledge that I’d rather regret what I did than regret what I didn’t. It’s worked out fine so far. I’m still alive, anyway!
I have been thinking about this a LOT lately especially when it comes to interpersonal stuff. And the conclusion I have come to for me is that I am going to make mistakes a lot and there is just no way around that, so I can’t trust myself in the sense of knowing that I am making the perfect decision. Most of the time I am not. But I CAN trust that I am competent and intelligent and self-sufficient and thus that when I inevitably make decisions that turn out badly, I can figure out where to go from there instead of having it be a life-ending disaster. So maybe focus on trusting that you can change things if they need to be changed?
ABSOLUTELY THIS. Completely. Forever. High five.
I think it helps to focus on the ways in which you did a good job at deciding, rather than whether the decision was right. It’s possible to have done a good job at deciding and still made a decision that isn’t 100% guaranteed to have been right, especially if you were missing information about the house or houses in general or the time it would take to find another house or how you would feel several months in the future. But you considered the information that you did have, and you made the best decision you could at that time with that information.
I think this is central to the process of buying a house! Sorrow over the ones that got away, buyer’s remorse like crazy, and way too many opinions from other people. It is important to be sure you’re taking on the challenge that you want and not making an investment you’ll regret, obviously. But I’d advise thinking about what you regret about turning down the previous house. Do you want more of a fixer-upper than your advice-givers do (or think you should)? Do you value a certain location? Etc. I’m nine months in to owning my first house, which is a total fixer-upper (I think the realtor was dubious and the electricians said we shouldn’t buy it, though not because of the electrical work). What I’ve learned is that I have to keep checking back in with myself about what I want. It’s ok that I love the weird, slightly structurally challenged porch, and I get to choose to spend my money rehabbing it rather than replacing it if that’s what I want. And so on, ad infinitum.
SPORTS SPORTS SPORTSSSSSSSSS ARE…tremendously upsetting this week! Weeeeee!
I lost count of how many football careers are potentially over because of concussions, just this week.
Penn State sanctions lifted.
You may have heard about Ray Rice.
Should we just start following, like, international curling or something? Because…
Guys, I am currently cooking for 4+ people, so, I have to go, but dear god someone tell me about something good in sports (read: someone just type SERENA SERENAAAAA over and over)
WHAT’S UP WITH YOUR TEAMS??
They just announced the schedule for CONCACAF qualifying for the Women’s World Cup! I could aaaaaalmost get to Philly for the final, but I don’t think I can afford it. ๐ ๐ ๐ ๐
Oooo, that would be cool, and if it makes you feel any better, I am probably in the same cheap ass broken down boat as you :/
There group doesn’t strike me as a particular challenge, but do you know anything more specific about the rest of it?
Not a ton — the US shouldn’t have any trouble qualifying, especially with Canada in automatically as hosts. Mexico should be decent. Martinique, weirdly, is competing in qualifying but is not actually eligible to qualify, so they can’t advance to semis no matter what.
Oh, but aren’t you in DC? Looks like you could go to four group-stage games at RFK Stadium for about $45!
Wait hey I am thinking of going to Philly for the final. If you do decide to go, we should have a (very small) Toast section or something.
I just looked at the tickets (because I forgot they went on sale today) and now I’m confused about how the tickets work. If it is what I think, and the ticket price listed actually gets you tickets to 4 games, wow that’s a lot cheaper than I expected.
Oh maaaaaan that would be amazing! I also misread the ticket thing, but it does look like you get tickets to four games, which is actually a fantastic deal (I initially thought it was just the final and third place packaged together). My issue is less the tickets and more the travel/lodging… I live up in Massachusetts, so it would be a bit of a trek and I’d have to get a hotel and it would just all add up. But I will let you know if I can make it work!
Yeah, I’m in NYC, but it just so happens that I’ll be in PA (Harrisburg area) that Saturday and I’ve convinced my car-having friend that we should go to the games “on our way home” on Sunday.
There’s zero chance that I’ll be at the games on Friday so I’m sort of tempted to hold off on tickets until they can be bought separately…but then I’ll be annoyed if they sell out. Dilemma.
Ohh that is a dilemma! Nobody you know in the area that might want to split with you and take the Friday ones or something?
Boyfriend has just reminded me that his aunt and uncle live outside Philly, so we may have a place to stay after all! HMMMMM.
Awww yissss Giants starting off the season terribly as usual.
We are, handsdown, the worst division in football, which means WE’RE THE BEST AT BEING WORST!!!!!
NFL Least!
As of this week I’ve decided that sports are #bad. Football is for dummies who even cares that Eli Manning would lose a game of catch to a 10-year old oh god I care so much why can’t we be good?!
Additionally, RKFire, if you see this, wtf is wrong with Chris Davis?!?!
Apparently he has an open history of ADD. ๐ I’m very sad about him being suspended but from everything I’ve read, he’s handling things the right way and it seems like he wasn’t trying to do anything nefarious. Obviously, I’m biased as fuck.
Oh, I know! I just don’t get why he didn’t apply for the exemption this year! I feel for the guy, he didn’t do anything malicious, I just don’t getttt itttttt.
ETA: Seriously though, how dumb can he be?!?! Just file the paperwork!! Ahh, I’m so blown and I’m not even an O’s fan!
From some of the things I’ve read today, it sounds like he asked for the exemption, didn’t get it, still has ADD, and used it anyway because he needs to? the pure speculation is that maybe it was denied because of his home run madness last year.
This story is still developing so right now everything is a little fuzzy.
AHHH OMG WTF CRUSH: http://www.camdenchat.com/2014/9/12/6140823/chris…
Jays are maybe getting back in it??? We are fools to hope??? Also they hung out with lion and tiger cubs! (yes there are pictures at the link, I’m not here to let y’all down)
The Moustakas play in the pouring rain in the Royals-Tigers game earlier this week was pretty awesome.
Like five minutes into my SPROTS MEDIA shift this week, just a few hours after it came out that the NFL had already seen the Rice tape, I was surrounded by dudes talking about how Mike Tyson a) should not be asked about his rape conviction and b) he probably didn’t even rape her, right??? It was really upsetting. Actually, I’m still upset and it makes me feel really shitty about my new work environment.
I just try to hold this picture of Clayton Kershaw and Mo’ne Davis in my heart every day so that I don’t set anyone on fire.
Jesus, I’m sorry about those pieces of garbage at your work. “He probably didn’t even rape her” I mean…really???
That picture is amazing. Clayton and Mo’ne forever.
Curling is a great sport to watch on TV, but the big televised championships don’t start until February-ish.
…No, seriously, curling makes good TV. It’s exciting enough to be enjoyable without being the sort of thing where you can’t take a bathroom break, it’s very easy to understand, there’s enough time between rocks for the commentators to show little diagrams with arrows and stuff drawn on them, it lends itself well to inventing drinking games if that’s your thing, and the camera is never blocked or in the wrong spot.
I like curling! Especially now that you’ve added drinking games to the mix!
ADRIAN PETERSON D:
ETA: it looks like he may have been disciplining his child with a switch. But it’s 2014…?
It looks like he beat the shit out of his little boy. And has something in his home he likes to call “the whooping room”. I’m fucking done.
Warning, pictures of resulting abuse in following link:
http://deadspin.com/report-adrian-peterson-indict…
I’m leaving it at that for now.
SPORTSBALL!
Reno Aces are 1-1 against the Omaha Stormchasers in the Pacific Coast League Championship Series. Got to go to BOTH divisional series home games last week and they were incredible. Looking forward to being a baseball fan for a whole season next year.
Also, Katie: you’re a New York Giants fan?!?! This was the only sports team I knew existed until my introduction to MILB. Even though I don’t so much “follow” football, it’s an old habit that won’t die (thanks a lot Dad). My football season MO is something like, “Oh, it’s October? There’s football? How are the Giants do… oh we suck again? Right. Ok.” With every 4th year being a variation that involves me making some sort of dip for the Superbowl.
So, thanks for reminding me early (that we suck again). What kind of dip would you like?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I am not a Giants fan. Come on, get it right, my team is the one with the racist nickname and evil dictator owner. I was saying our whole division is terrible. Which includes the Giants!
I would like crab dip made of starlight and Eli Manning’s tears.
ETA: No idea why all of that is italicized, can’t do anything about it.
Now that I see you clearly as my nemesis (in this sport for which I can barley muster some fucks), you are getting Reuben Dip, shaped in the likeness of Bill Parcells.
Let’s just all agree we hate the Cowboys (and the Eagles, and each other, but less so than the Cowboys and Eagles!)
Sincerely agreed. (I’m also going to keep hating Denver and Miami for good measure.)
I’m a little late in the Open Thread for this, but what are y’all’s favorite recipes? Baking, cooking, desserts, main courses, appetizers, WHATEVER: What is your favorite food thing to create?
Mine is this pasta that I learned in Italy called 7P pasta. Basically you cut up and saute a leek in some olive oil with a bunch of crushed red pepper and a little salt, then you dump in two 28oz cans of tomatoes and simmer while stirring for like 40 minutes. Then you put in 3/4 pint of heavy cream, simmer for maybe another 10 minutes, pour in a bunch of parmesan and stir it around, and serve over pasta. OH MY GOD, it is so good.
OOOO! I’m much much better at baking, I can’t think of anything off the top of my head I actually -like- to cook, except my mom’s spaghetti sauce?
I really like baking banana bread for some reason. I also love these chocolate cookies that are thick, almost like a cross between a brownie and a cookie, they’re so good.
I’m really good at “I was too lazy to go to the grocery store so what the hell can I make out of a pound of ground beef and these wilted things in the crisper drawer.”
This is my favorite kitchen sport when I visit my mother. I call it “kitchen roulette”: what restaurant quality meal* can I make from leftover mashed potatoes, a limp parsnip, a handful of wilting farmer’s market beans, three pieces of asparagus, half an onion, and the single filet of flounder that must be used up or thrown away tonight? It’s a fun challenge and her response is always one of amazement.
It’s pretty gratifying at home, too, especially when The Fella looks in the fridge and announces sorrowfully that we’ll have to run to the store, then I go wham together a meal out of seemingly nothing. It’s the one skill for which I’ll be valued in the post-apocalypse.
*Answer: flounder meuniere over crisp parsnip-potato-scallion cakes with a pan sauce of sherry and saffron and a side of mixed vegetables. BLAMMO.
I think we’d get along really well in real life. I mean, not just for this. But yeah.
I love that sport! I play it regularly in my own kitchen, because I’m impoverished but also ridiculously bougie (and my mom is no help – she occasionally buys me groceries when I’m broke, and they’re generally the bougiest shit you could imagine – no ramen, just a couple of fancy lamb shanks and a nice bottle of wine because she has no idea what poor people eat), so I’ll often have things like half a pound of organic butter, a few filets of line caught wild salmon, a bottle of Real Lemon and a bunch of organic swiss chard, and LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE in my fridge or cupboards. So I’ll eat a beautiful meal and then starve, *cough* I mean fast, for a couple of days.
Oh man I don’t think I can pick a favorite thing. Let’s go with what I made last night: http://www.budgetbytes.com/2014/02/one-pot-beef-m… but edited a bit because that’s how I roll (although I would never leave a comment on any recipe blog to say how I changed everything because I’m not a monster). I used a full pound of beef and the whole container of mushrooms, and pappardelle noodles. I also used a cup plus a little more beef broth and a cup of red wine (cabernet sauvignon, because that’s what was open). And I added a bunch of fresh thyme. My husband said it was “the shit” and my buddy Albert at work, who I give whatever lunch I don’t finish to, said “I seriously love every single thing that you cook. Jesus.”
So I’m feeling pretty validated right now.
I make a really good kale salad/mustard vinaigrette…? I don’t feel like I have many good go-tos in the kitchen lately, though, my mojo is slightly off. BUT it may be returning to me because I made these scallion pancakes this week and they were amazing.
!!!
I do not have any cream but otherwise I would be making that pasta RIGHT NOW. Wow that sounds good.
I want a Toast recipe archive!
Clafoutis! I make both savory and sweet versions, and have never had one turn out that was not perfect.
These recipes are wonderfully adaptive, as well; I routinely sub out the tomatoes and cheddar in the savory one for mushrooms and blue cheese, and use the sweet batter with all manner of summer fruit.
7P pasta sounds fantastic! I’ve gotten out of the habit of cooking and baking lately, which sucks because I love it. But only when I have an appreciative audience, which, uh, I don’t.
However, due to desperation and poverty I’ve invented a rather tasty chili dish this week, which I recommend:
1 small onion and a pound of ground turkey or ground round or beef sauteed in olive oil + 1 can each of kidney beans and black beans + about half a large jar of salsa + a couple of fresh tomatoes, chopped up + chili powder, cayenne, salt, and pepper
Simmer all that on the stove for a while, while cooking up some brown rice in chicken or veggie stock. When everything is cooked and seasoned to taste, spoon the chili onto the rice and top with shredded cheese and/or cottage cheese. Delish.
As much as I want to respond with something fancy this is my favorite recipe because no matter where you bring it people FREAK OUT like it is the BEST THING THEY’VE EVER SEEN
RAINBOW CAKE:
Make some white cake batter (through a mix or otherwise) and divide evenly into six bowls. Using food coloring, mix into the batter until each bowl is one of the colors of the pride flag rainbow. Make sure you add the food coloring slowly!! Take two round cake pans and figure out which three colors you want on each half of the cake (basically are you going to make a pride cake or a cake that just reads as ‘colorful’ the choice is yours, choose wisely.) Once you’ve decided, layer the batter like this – take one of the bowls and pour it into the cake pan. Gently slam the pan onto the countertop until the batter is evenly distributed. Repeat for each layer – don’t worry about the colors bleeding over, it looks close enough for jazz. Bake the cake according to normal directions, let cool, and decorate with the blandest and boringest icing you can find. That way, people will be like “oh man ugh boring cake” but once they cut in they’ll be in for a rainbow surprise!! or something.
I love that you’re trolling people with “boring” cake. That’s genius!
Baking is like meditation for me. Well, except when I fuck up and there’s marshmallow on fire or cake batter smoking on the bottom of the oven. But picking a favorite recipe would be like picking a favorite child! I will say I get a lot of oohs and aahs from the simpler stuff like homemade toffee or pavlova. Both of which I think are like crazy easy. But when I make an 8 layer cake with fudge filling and a caramel top (dobos torte) I get like, “oh that was nice.”
But if I have to choose, then I’d go with homemade oreos, chocolate raspberry cake, and vanilla bean ice cream (especially combined with homemade oreos).
Ooh, please share your toffee recipe! I’ve been trying to steal my uncle’s famous toffee recipe for years, but he won’t give it up, and I’m desperate for a decent substitute.
It’s this one: http://www.davidlebovitz.com/2005/12/chocolatealm…
And it’s delicious!
Oh wow, that looks spectacular. Thanks! Can’t wait to make it!
So many things are delicious to cook. While the world goes apeshit for all things pumpkin, however, fall is the season of Things To Make In A Single Pot For Cheap That Will Last Your Whole House All Week. I remembered that the other day and am so excited that it’s finally time to make Quinoa Black Bean Chili.
That recipe was all over the internet two years ago and I spent that whole fall reworking it until it was exactly what I wanted it to be.
Lentils are my other go-to one-pot thing. My mom’s recipe ends with the phrase “then simmer the shit out of it.”
I wish I still liked lentils, but alas, I am completely sick of them in absolutely every context. ๐ Split peas though, I can still do.
I have kind of standard palettes of flavors that I cycle through seasonally. Winter is mostly Chinese foods like pork dumplings with plenty of ginger and scallions or tea-stained eggs or hot & sour soup. Spring is more French, lots of fresh delicate herbs and eggs and asparagus and poached fish. Summer is Italian or sometimes Greek, with grilled or pan fried meats, tomatoes and woodier more resinous herbs like sage, rosemary and oregano. Also lots of little dishes that are mostly cold cooked vegetables made into some kind of salad. Fall is Central and Eastern European, lots of borscht and stuffed vegetables and baked things. That wasn’t really what you asked, so maybe I’ll pick a dish from each: dumplings, omelettes, souvlaki, borscht.
That’s such a lovely idea, I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
This is the best recipe: smittenkitchen.com/blog/2010/01/best-cocoa-brownies/
Earlier this week I mixed up some peanut butter with a lil bit of powdered sugar and swirled it through the top before baking and it was excellent and delicious.
I make these all the time! We keep them in the freezer. I’ve never tried to modify them because my husband stages a revolution when I even suggest it. MEN.
Double chocolate chip cookies with toasted walnuts. Take any chocolate chip cookie recipe (well, not any- if it doesn’t contain salt, it’s not worth baking) You absolutely have to toast and salt the walnuts. Swap 1/4 c of the usually 2 cups of flour for a nice dark cocoa powder (Hershey’s Special Dark is totally excellent), and there you go.
I’m also pretty darn good at steak in a cast iron skillet, which pretty much just takes timing. But the effort to reward ratio is excellent.
I can cook just about anything decently, but somehow, I always come back to “throw some kind of protein in a pan with some kale and canned tomatoes, then season, then serve over rice.”
How did you meet your significant other? I want to hear these stories — especially the “we just knew” ones!
Related: I have been watching “You’re The Worst” and it’s such a cute romance, I love it. Sweeter and better than anything like How I Met Your Mother or the upcoming Manhattan Love Story, especially since though this show is set in LA and not NY, it has PoCs in it! Hooray!
I went to a school with 10% out of staters (you know!) and he was one of them and that was MYSTERIOUS AND INTRIGUING and we had mutual friends and got drunk together a lot (college, etc) and made out a lot and the rest is historyyyyyy
My best friend lived in the apartment upstairs from his friends in a really old building that had only 3 apartments. We met at my friend’s birthday. I was very drunk. I liked his smile. So I managed to calve him off from the herd of boys and ended up making out with him on a rooftop. We then proceeded to be very awkward with each other for the rest of the summer. And then I asked him out on a date that he didn’t realize was a date until his buddy clued him in. And we’ve been together ever since. 13 years.
Instant thumbs-up for “calve him off.”
He was selling merch for a friend’s band, I went to a gig, we started chatting, we hugged and kissed goodbye at the end of the evening and were both poleaxed at the ZING. I drove three hours the next weekend to their next gig to see him again!
Mine is boring (online) but my grandparents have the best “how we met” story: My grandpa was super accident prone. When his church burnt down he helped rebuild it until he fell off the roof and broke his ankle. Back in the day hospitals had those long wards instead of private rooms. My grandpa liked one of the nurses so he made a tag and wrote “Available” on it. When he saw that she was the nurse doing rotations he hung the tag on his toe so she would see it when she checked his ankle. They were married for 64 years.
Mine is also boring (online) but my parents’ is quite cute. They worked in the same building and took the same bus but didn’t know each other, and one day on the way home they were sitting next to one another and my mom fell asleep on my dad’s shoulder. She woke up, he asked that now that they were pretty well acquainted did she want to go see a movie? She did. They went to see 2001: A Space Odyssey (really, dad?) where my mom fell asleep AGAIN and apparently my dad was sufficiently charmed that he didn’t mind a woman with apparent narcolepsy.
Also he asked her to marry him when they were sorting and filing things with a new label-maker and my dad made a label saying “WILL YOU MARRY ME.”
My parents went to see the original Star Trek movie on their first date. Maybe sci fi movies inspire romance..?
Mine went to see Star Wars: A New Hope at the start of their relationship (they got together in December 1977).
ARGH! I just exploded from label-maker-related adorableness!
My parents met when they were 13 and 15 and attending their respective siblings’ wedding… to one another. Sounds Like Incest But Technically Isn’t: A Love Story.
They didn’t get together until their 20’s, though; according to my mom, my dad thought he was way too cool to even talk to her when they were teenagers. Also, my cousins and I share all four of the same grandparents and my aunt and uncle are now divorced.
That sort of thing happened in my family too! Great Grandad from Family A married Great Grandmom from Family B, and later Sister from Family A married Brother from Family B.
OOOoooh my parents have Sounds Inappropriate But Technically Isn’t: A Love Story story, too!
My dad was my mom’s chemistry teacher during her junior year of high school — now HOLD ON. It was his first year of teaching, so he was 23, and since she came here from Peru when she was nine and had to repeat third grade, she was 18. THAT BEING SAID, my dad is still the most gentlemanly of gentlemen: even though it was the 70’s, and literally all of his colleagues were banging high school girls, my dad waited until my mom graduated, and then he sent her a congrats grad card in the mail. He I guess had her number from school records (okaaaay kinda creepy, Dad) and he called her up and asked her on a date. She said yes, despite crippling shyness. One thing led to another, and they have been married lo these thirty years. They are also each other’s one-and-onlies, which aww, and also, weird.
Also, my godmother used to cut her own chem class to sit in on my mom’s chem class, because she thought my dad was a babe.
Oh man! Mine is ALSO boring (online) but I did fall asleep on my boyfriend very early on during a date (maybe date 3 or 4 – the “let’s see your apartment date”) and was quite embarrassed about it, but he was quite charmed (if very overheated, because both me and his cat were sleeping on him for some time).
My grandparents’ story is amazing. My grandmother was a West Texas girl and liked to ride her horse around and collect plant samples to paint (she was an artist) and Indian arrowheads, and one day she saw a man fly-fishing in the desert. And he turned out to be my grandfather. He was fly-fishing for rattlesnakes, which he would sell to the anti-venom clinic. But just picture it… her on a horse, him with a fishing rod, miles of desert…
Fly Fishing for Rattlers! That needs to be a book title.
I think your parents may be magical realism.
I am in the silent section of the library trying to stifle peals of giggles about the labelmaker proposal. OMG THAT IS ADORABLE.
Cute! Okay, this needs to be cross-posted with the commute-crush thread above…
Ooh, can I share someone else’s too? One of my best friends was climbing a 14er with another friend of ours. They stopped for lunch and a guy who was climbing alone asked if he could eat with them. They finished the climb together, and then they made plans to climb another mountain together the next day. He was actually backpacking across the country during a six-month leave from work, but he never quite made it to CA that trip, just stuck around in CO to continue climbing with my friend. They had something of a whirlwind romance and were married less than a year later. Seven years later and still going strong (and spending all of their vacation time climbing and backpacking and kayaking and biking and being way more awesome than me)
We met in the library. He gave me a tour of an exhibition he’d curated there; I told him about a writing project I’d been working on upstairs. We went out of our way to meet there a couple of times a week after that. We moved to separate cities. We wrote a lot of letters, sent books and mix CDs. Six and a half years later, we’re settled in the same city. We combined bookshelves, and now we’re getting hitched.
This is pretty close to my story too, except we just celebrated our first anniversary. ๐
One of the girls in my suite in college brought us all along to hang out with her group of guy friends from back home. We were playing Loaded Questions–one person asks a question, everyone submits anonymous answers, the asker has to figure out which answers go with which person. One question was “What will you never stop believing in?” and, wanting to be sincere but also not too serious, I put “Twu wuv.” When that was read out, one of the guys, who had arrived late so I hadn’t talked to him yet, went “Oh, nice Princess Bride reference.”
That was five years ago this month. ๐
I went to high school with him and admired him from afar until we became friends in yearbook class (a very romantic setting, because we often got out of class to wander the halls and take photos). And then we pretty much fell out of touch until we were 25 when he moved to the city I lived in and tweeted about it (obviously I still stalked him on twitter after all those years). And pretty much as soon as we started dating we realized what a good match we are. And we’ve been together three years! High school me had fine taste.
He wrote me a stupid message on OK Cupid, I only wrote back because he was hot, I put out on our first date, on our second date he drank a slurpee in my bed and put my cat on his head, so now we’re getting married.
excellent!
This is truly A Story For Our Times.
I can’t wait for the lifetime original movie about our romance. A soft focus vignette of him farting and me trying to stuff the cat into a sweater.
Sounds like a poem!
This warmed my heart!
Adorable.
I wrote mine a dumb message on OKC about beards, we both got drunk separately before our first date, we made out outside a strip club on our second date, now we co-parent cats together and live in an intentional community (a house with my sister and best friend).
I was doing my junior year abroad at the same uni where he was getting his MA. Another American met him & liked him (tall, dark, Irish writer guy that he is) & since he & I were in the same department, she enlisted my help in getting to know more about him so she could snag him.
So I’m chatting at him all the time, thinking “this is going great, I have so much to tell my friend!” and he’s thinking “this is going great, she’s always so interested in me!”
Eventually friend gave up (he never acted interested in her..) and I broke up w/ my then-BF and we went out to see a mutual friend’s play and were walking home and he held my hand and even through our gloves (it was January) we could feel the electricity.
My dude and I met through work! I got a job at a quirky little shop and then three months later they hired him. His first day was one where I was working, so he walked in and introduced himself. I think I made a (no doubt hilarious and awesome and witty and sexy) joke and he smiled and that’s when I thought “I MUST HAVE HIM.” So here we are three years later!
We met at work and were good friends for years. After hanging out one night, we hugged goodbye (something we’d been doing for ages), but something just went *zing* and a decade later we’re happier than ever. <3
We met at a costume party at freshman orientation. He asked me to help with his makeup and I did, and then for fun I signed his shoulder with the eyebrow pencil.And then he said, “One day we’ll tell our kids this story of how we met” and that was it for me.
So we’ve been together ever since we were 17 and 18 since college freshman orientation. We got married two weeks after graduation.
Our kids think that is the corniest story EVER.
that is the corniest awesomest story EVER.
Fixed that for you.
I can’t believe that line worked. I love it.
Boring meet (online) but our second date was 9 hours long. We arranged to meet for a 1 pm “picnic” in Cambridge, MA. We met at the Harvard Book Store, walked around to grab some food/wine, and ate in the park. Then we wandered back to the book store and browsed books for an hour or so. After, he was like, “Do you have anywhere to be? Wanna see a movie?” So we saw a weird movie at the Brattle about a French director. Then we got coffee. Then he walked me to my car, at 10 pm.
ETA: We just celebrated our 4-year anniversary yesterday and got engaged.
Yay, congratulations to you two!
I missed this yesterday, but congratulations!! Love you guys!
Thanks, friend! We’ve kept it quiet on the major social networks for now, since we want to wait to go public until after we tell each of our families in person (and we won’t see his until November :-/). So the big announcement is yet to happen. Anyway, thanks for the ‘grats and speaking of anniversaries, happy one (soon) to you and Mr. Rosie_M_Banks!
Oh, I totally understand! I kept mum about mine for a month due to a variety of complicated reasons. <3 <3 <3
Met him 8 years ago when my then best friend rented a room in his house. They ended up getting together and eventually got married. I was the Maid of Honor. 3 months after the wedding, she started having an affair and pretty much blew up her whole life. I became his shoulder to cry on in the aftermath. Haven’t seen or spoken to her in over 3 years, but the dude and I became best friends and now we’re in a relationship. I’m moving in with him this month and we’ve been discussing rings, marriage, kids, the whole shebang. Thank you Horrible Ex Best Friend, truly!
My husband and I met in high school. I had just turned 15 the month before. He was two grades above me and I didn’t know him or his friends, but I had seen him walking through the halls and thought he was cute. One day at lunch he was flirting with one of my friends who was very “girl next door” and popular (I was not). She introduced us and we somehow just started hanging out and fell together. A few weeks later he grabbed my hand while we were walking to class and 18 years later, here we are! People change a lot from high school through their twenties, but we never grew apart.
We met…on a tour bus during our choir tour through Argentina and Brazil when we were 14. We had known of each other for years and actually harbored a vague dislike for each other based on both trying to be best friends with the same person, but then there were no seats left on the bus, so we had to sit together and we ended up discussing Tamora Pierce novels and instantly becoming best friends. We stayed that way through (separate) high schools, started dating at the beginning of (separate) colleges, and have been together ever since! Got married almost a year ago, just after our 10-year anniversary.
So, we met in college. As two of only a handful of English majors at a primarily tech school, we were often in classes together, and we both worked in the library and on dueling school newspapers.
After graduation, I moved to Boston for grad school and he went to New Orleans to do TFA. We kept in touch via the occasional longform email. After a year, he left to teach English in China, specifically, the part of China where the government shut down the internet due to unrest. We sent each other some postcards along the lines of “right ho, sure is nice to hear from you, person who has no particular meaning in my life whatsoever”. When he came back to the states, he emailed to say hi, and I mentioned that perhaps he would want to come to Boston at some point in the future maybe? He said, basically “why yes, I would love to drive from Ohio to Boston for no particular reason and maybe I could see you, an old college chum, in the meantime.”
So, he came to Boston, we saw an awful movie at Coolidge Corner Theater and ate a pizza with artichokes and took a bus back in the rain. The rest, more or less, is history. We’ve been together for over four years and our first wedding anniversary is in three weeks. ๐
EDIT: Wall of text, so sorry!
No apologies for sharing your happy story!
We met at a vampire roleplaying game! We ended up talking out of character all night. Then we ended up missing each other for three months. The we finally got it together… only to discover that he was thirteen years older than me.
We’d both assumed the age difference was about five years. He was thirty at the time.
Still, we went for it, and we’re now 11 year later, married, with a house and cats and a great relationship, so it worked out.
The 13 year age difference is fascinating to me, but you must not really notice, huh?
ETA: Sorry if this comes across as rude. I just don’t know that many functioning couples with that kind of age difference!
My husband and I are 14 years apart. Has not been a thing.
The only time I ever notice is when we talk about childhood memories and stuff – they are not the same.
But to be honest, his posh-boy upbringing is more noticeable than the age difference.
My dude and I have an 11 year age gap. Actually, he’s the exact same age as my favorite brother, which comforts me, actually. He also looks really good for his age and I’m super mature, so we both thought the age gap was about 5 years, too.
We met while on ecstasy. I complimented him on his 3D tattoos.
I moved to London for 6 months after college to work and live with my high school best friend (HSBF) who had just initiated a divorce from his husband and was going to school at an American university there. HSBF introduced me to future-Mr-Prawns at a game night at Mr-Prawns’s house, which HSBF prefaced by explaining how he hit on Mr-Prawns and was convinced Mr-Prawns was also gay. I bonded that night with Mr-Prawns about Firefly, PennyArcade, and geekery. We got together (adorably), and about a month later, HSBF burned our flat (and our friendship in the process), forcing me to move in with Mr-Prawns for the remainder of my stay (about 4 months). We stayed in touch and kind of figured we’d end up together, and we did.
Seeing all of these “we met online” stories is really giving me hope. THANKS TOASTIES YOU’RE THE BEST <3 <3
I know of no other way! I mean, I do, but honestly now it seems like the only decent way to meet a pants-friend. Leave it up to chance? Are you crazy? I don’t just walk around hoping the perfect jeans will fall into my lap, do I? No! I go where they sell jeans.
We first met my freshman year in college- I had started a rugby club, and he was fresh out of the Alaska State Troopers and one of only three other people who knew how to play. We both jumped for the same ball and I got a crazy concussion.
A year later, when I came back from exchange, he had joined my program- he had to introduce himself three times before I started remembering who he was. We had a two-week fling and then spent the rest of the year competing with each other for the top spot in all our classes, until something called Spring Fest when I drank too much too quickly and thought tackling him in the parking lot would be a great peace gesture. I separated my shoulder that time, but then we were friends!
The final fall semester we had an on-again-off-again-friends-with-benefits-or-is-it-love? rollercoaster, before deciding to spend six months backpacking through Eurasia together. Six weeks in we were engaged, and we’ve been married for seven years.
I play on my bar’s softball team, as catcher. He’s also a bar regular and would come to every game, sit in the stands behind the plate, heckle me and make comments on my ass. Apparantly after 3 seasons I am charmed by this because I don’t know what is wrong with me and I should go to therapy, probably.
Actually I knew him before that, since he was a bar regular. We never really talked though, he mostly kept to himself. About 4 years ago his dad and brother died, so I went up to him and said “I’m so sorry, can I give you the biggest hug ever?” (because I don’t know what to say in response to grief and nothing I could say would help), and he held on for what felt like forever, then said “that’s the only thing anyone has said to me that’s made me feel any better”. And after that we were friends.
So we’ve been friends for years, but he’s only been my boyfriend since January.
I went out with some friends and one unwelcome horrible person who wouldn’t stop droning on about her ex and hitting on my friend’s man, so I got super drunk because I didn’t want to deal with her, she got super drunk presumably because she couldn’t deal with herself, we ended up driving her back to the apartment to get rid of her and she complained the whole ride back that she needed to pee really badly and we were afraid she was going to pee herself in the car so I made it into a game where she had to wait till she got to the parking lot to pee and sure enough when we arrived she stumbled out, dropped trou, and commenced urination and I heard a voice from the darkness saying, “She can’t do that.” I turned and saw a cop? security guard? and thought to myself, “self, now is the time to utilize your feminine wiles to get this peeing lady out of trouble, go forth and reduce the male authority figure in uniform into a tiny pile of slobbering man tears by being your sexy self in front of him!” so I stomped over and began hitting on him very aggressively. I don’t remember what I said, at one point I gave him a rose (where did I get it? I know not), “a pretty flower for a pretty man,” and got his phone number (he forgot what it was while he was trying to give it to me and had to write it down, THAT IS THE POWER OF MY SEXY) then took the rose back, tripped over the curb a few times, and told him I’d see him after work. Then I took him back to his apartment and we had a lot of sex, I cried a few times, he held me, he made me breakfast in the morning, I met his mom because she came to visit that exact day from like 8 states away (“this has escalated quickly…” I texted my bff while also trying to figure out where my shoes were), he took me back to my friend’s apartment, and that was basically that.
Not quite a “we just knew,” but HE just knew, I took much longer to be convinced, but now we are very happy and in love. All thanks to that horrible person’s overfull bladder. Thanks, bitch.
The End.
Wooooooow that is amazing. Was he a cop?
Security guard! Which was great for me, because he couldn’t arrest me for being wildly unbelievably stumbling around drunk in public ๐
I was his stage manager in a Uni production of The Country Wife, and I found out from somebody else that we’d made out at a cast party (I hit my head really hard when I fell over giving a friend a piggy-back-hug – that + booze led to a blackout night). I was horrified that I had maybe taken advantage of him, because in my pre-head-knock memories he was drunker than i was, so I apologized – and he realized I must really like him if I was that worried and asked me out at the next party.
I joined my college marching band as a glockenspielist and complained to a group of fellow band dorks that I had no good way to carry the little flip folder while playing, ugh, I guess I’ll just have to memorize everything. The next day, a dude who was in my Latin class presented me with a flip-folder holder that he had made out of PVC pipe and decorated with electrical tape in a stylish stripey pattern. That weekend I lured him back to my dorm room by announcing that I owned the ’60s Batman movie on DVD and would he like to come watch it. (This actually ended up luring like a dozen people to my room, but the point was to lure the one dude.) That was 10 years ago and we have been married for 5 years.
My girlfriend and I are another ‘we met online’ story, but when we did the first in-person meetup (or as I phrase it, the ‘make sure you’re not an axe murderer’ meeting), it was at a Karen Cushman reading/signing (B and I were huge Catherine, Called Birdy fans as kids, so it made sense). She had her Newbery medal there, and passed it around the audience so we could all see it up close.
When it got to B she proceeded to drop it, whereupon it made a loud CLANG! sound and caused Karen Cushman to whip her head around to stare at the person who’d dropped her prestigious literary award on a metal folding chair. B looked like she wanted the floor to open up and swallow her, but I thought it was the most adorable thing I’d ever seen. Because it was.
Since everyone is sharing parent/grandparent how-they-met stories too, here’s my contribution:
Maternal Grandparents: Grandma was a waitress who kept having run-ins with some dirtbag man who came into the diner, stole her tips, and used them to play songs on the jukebox. One of her friends set her up on a blind date a few weeks later; she gets in the car the night of the date, and sitting in the driver’s seat is the tips-stealing dirtbag. Somehow, he convinces her to go through with the date–they proceed to keep dating, get married, and stay together for over 50 years.
Parents: My mom saw this handsome guy in the college bookstore her first week of freshman year, chatting up some other woman. She proceeds to hide behind a bookshelf and eavesdrop–he’s a transfer student from UCLA, his name’s Jim, etc. The next week, she sees him at a party, goes up to him, and says “So, you’re Jim the UCLA transfer student. I’m Renette–do you want to dance?”
Their 35th anniversary was on Monday, so I guess it worked out.
My husband and I met the first day of college, in our advisor’s medieval literature course. When he introduced himself, I thought, “Oh, this is a dude I could be friends with. Seems nice.” We were close friends all through college, and when we graduated, I realized I was hopelessly in love with him. Didn’t tell him for about five years (we lived on opposite sides of the country, I identified as a lesbian, things were complicated). Eventually I confessed, we dated, and I moved. Married one year and change!
It was the first day of library school. The funny-toothed alt-country boy (as I referred to him in my blog after the first day!) and another boy were behind me. The alt-country boy (it was 2003 in Seattle) said something about having had a stripper fall asleep on him the night before, and the other boy laughed, and I gave them both a totally horrified look. The alt-country boy was quick to explain that he’d been playing in the opening set for the strippers. I still didn’t understand and was confused and wary. Also his front teeth were clearly caps. My mother is a dental hygienist and is super critical and notices shit like that and says it out loud, and her voice is in my head.
I only vaguely remember this “stripper fell asleep on me” conversation, but he remembers it quite clearly.
A few weeks later in a different class, he was one of the only people with a laptop in class. (Again, 2003.) He was sitting next to me (coincidence???? it must be) in the back row and I was trying to pay attention while he was goofing off. Eventually he did a google image search for border collie puppies and instantly everyone who could see his screen went “AWWWWW” and class was completely derailed for the back row. But I was the target of the border collie puppies bomb, and in response to my “AWWWWW” he said “my dog’s not cute anymore, I’m going to take him back to the pound.”
I didn’t know he was kidding and I was horrified. WHY WOULD YOU SAY SUCH A THING?!
Then later I met Oscar the best dog ever.
And I understood that he was joking about taking him back to the pound.
AND THEN later we went on an is-it-a-date-it-might-be-a-date-or-it-might-not to the beach and Oscar the best dog ever came too, on leash because you can’t have off-leash dogs on the beach in Seattle. We wandered, and we chatted, and we looked at things, and I tried to adjust to Oscar — I had never had a dog and was kind of scared and unsure what to do with them — and at some point we found a bench. We sat down on the bench, me on the right and him on the left. Oscar’s leash was in right hand. Oscar walked around him to the left, and then around the bench and then back — Oscar basically walked around the bench in a circle, such that the leash-holding hand was trying to make a move to rest over my shoulder, like an old-school yawning boy at a movie. I was like DID YOU TRAIN YOUR DOG TO DO THAT, BECAUSE THAT IS WEIRD.
Later I learned it was all Oscar. Dude knew what was up and how to make it happen.
The best dog.
Anyway Oscar died in 2011 and we still miss him all the time. We’ve been together since Oscar willed it so in 2004 — ten years!
My pre-kindergartener wants to be Maleficent for Halloween. She hasn’t seen the movie, but she knows versions of the Sleeping Beauty story and she spied the ad on bus billboards.
I haven’t seen the movie either. Is this an appropriate/ inappropriate/ what am I even talking about costume for a little kid? Are there relevant things I should know about the movie (I heard that maybe it is kind of feminist but maybe not)? And also, I’m probably going to have to make this costume myself so and I don’t have a sewing machine BUT I can do some crafty things. Anyway, insights/ answers/ thoughts all welcome.
Maleficent has a lot of dark emotional backstory in the movie, so I would probably not take a preschooler to see it. But she’s not sexualized in the movie or anything like that, so personally, I think the costume would be fine. BUT I do not have kids, so huge grain of salt with this comment!
Oh yes, FOR SURE the kid is not watching it for a while–it looks too intense for me! I’m relieved it has your stamp of approval.
It’s a good character, strong, protective. Go with the costume. But no movie-viewing for such a young child, like safvn said.
I have a toddler who has asked to be 1) a glass of milk and 2) Strega Nona, from the Tommy DiPaola book, so here’s my 2 cents based on my own plan for integrating the kid’s hopes and my sewing: Find out why she thinks its cool (horns and cape are undeniably awesome), have her help plan it, go from there and don’t worry too much about whether or not it’s obviously the character when she’s wearing it.
I love your toddler’s costume ideas. Hee, a glass of milk.
You’re absolutely right! I need to get her in on the planning.
I was Maleficent for Halloween when I was 4! (The one from the original Disney Sleeping Beauty, obviously.)To this day it is my favorite costume ever. My mom is a costume designer and went all out – the horns, the cloak, the staff with glowing ball and raven…
Anyway, your kid has A+ taste.
YOUR MOM SOUNDS BRILLIANT! Holy cats, a glowing ball and a raven.
(edited because I know the difference between your and you’re. ugh.)
I was Malifecent for Halloween in pre-school. Well, I started out as Maleficent, then I think I changed my mind halfway through and turned it into a cat costume by taking the tights off my head. I’m pretty sure there was a third transformation somewhere in there too but I just remember feeling like a total BAMF all day.
As a Pre-K teacher, I hope I see some Maleficents this Halloween. Otherwise, brace yourself. Elsa is coming.
Sadness! My huge hard drive died suddenly and unexpectedly, so now I must work myself up to taking it to a data recovery place and seeing how much money I would have to shell out for them to try to get the data off of it. Since the data includes ALL OF OUR KID PICTURES for the last 5 years, the amount of money we’re willing to shell out is pretty high, but just ugh. Down with entropy!
(This also of course meant limited internet for a while and no keyboard and various other sadnesses, so if I owe you email or something, I apologise!)
Um, are you supposed to just yammer and cry at your therapist for an hour? How much does yours talk back? I like mine, but sometimes I wonder if I just like uninterrupted yammering about myself. It’s my first tour de therapy so I don’t really know what I’m doing.
You’re doing great with your therapy. Yes, it’s OK to do all the talking. It’s also OK to sit quietly. When you want therapist input, ask a question. “What do you think?” is my favorite question.
When I have gone to therapy, I have always felt it was worth the price of the copay to cry and talk for an hour. (On private pay I felt differently.) I never get into The Work, I guess, but I really like paying someone to watch me cry, I guess.
It is totally fine if that is what is happening and it is working for you. How the therapist acts during the session is very much about what kind of therapy they are trained in doing, which is something you can ask your therapist about if you are curious!
But really a lot of therapy (IME) is about giving people space to talk about themselves and sort things out with the tools they already have, and then gently introducing new tools as appropriate.
Have you been going long? For me, I yammer and cry for the first few appointments and let them take notes. When I start tearing up less, they usually pick up the threads of what they’ve heard, and we begin to have more of a conversation/work on my issues. Sometimes it’s cathartic to cry at a professional though.
Yes, this has been my experience too! My first experiences in therapy were mostly about surviving the wave of Feelings coming my way, so there was more gentle acceptance and less deep-dive conversation happening. But I’ve gone back a few times recently to try to break through some ingrained habits, which led to more conversation/input from the therapist. I was (happily) surprised to find I could get a lot out of a therapy session WITHOUT sobbing. Or with only a little sobbing.
Welp, since I’ve been bitching about my anxiety issues lately, but good news!
My hands aren’t shaking anymore and I feel like I can take deep breaths now, which is something I haven’t felt for a long time. I attribute it to my recent Kauai vacation actually– my breathing cleared up while I was there, then started getting difficult again as I was driving to the airport! But I focused hard on my breathing for the flight back, and I feel like I’ve got it under control. It’s interesting how my perspective changed about it. Now I fell like breathing freely is something i can do, rather than something out of my control.
And I’m starting to leash-train my dog and spend quality time with her as part of our daily routine. it’s only been a few days but I can see an improvement in her behavior already. She’s an annoying, jealous, and mean little dog, but I’ve never really tried to take an active hand. She can sit and come and go, but I want to make her better so I can take her places where there are other dogs.
Plus we have learned that she can jump into my arms and I catch her ๐ she is great :D:D
That’s all fantastic! Go, you! Go, doggie!
In fall 2012 I told my live-in boyfriend that I would marry him. We set a date for next month, October 2014. In April 2013 I broke up with him and moved out because I knew marrying him was the wrong choice. And since then, I have felt exponentially more satisfied and free.
So I kind of want to celebrate? I’m thinking of having an evening at a bar and inviting pretty much everyone I know on one of the Saturdays in October that he and I were considering scheduling our wedding for. But it feels a little mean-spirited. I don’t want to express any vitriol, just maybe a little generalized misandry. So a) this is a good idea, right? b) should I make my reasons known, or just invite folks to celebrate “me making a good decision in my life”? And c) who wants to come???
You did the right thing! I want to be more like you.
I think it’s a great idea, but making the reasons widely known is maybe a little, as you say, mean-spirited. If there are people who already know how you feel about the date, you and they can have a secret inside joke during the party, and everyone else will just have a great time at a group gathering that’s not affiliated with a holiday before the Great Season of Group Obligations that is November and December.
You don’t have to tell people WHY you’re having a get-together on that day. Just do it! And if someone asks if you’re marking that occasion, just look at them like
a) hell yeah
b) just celebrate but keep reasons private
c) Me! Though I doubt I’m anywhere near where you are.
That’s awesome & I want to come! I also broke off an engagement a little while ago because I knew marrying him could not happen. I think we should all celebrate whatever we want, but I agree that you maybe shouldn’t broadcast why you’re celebrating.
My friend recently told us a story about how her marriage-adverse boyfriend of 7 years was talking at a wedding about how when they “had a party like this” and she was like “a party like THIS? You mean a wedding?” and he was like “well.. a party for happiness!” and now we are all really into having parties for happiness. So have a party for happiness! But yeah, not a party for “thank god I’m not marrying that dude”, at least not openly, because that is a little mean.
It’s an Un-Wedding!!!
I know a lady who had a divorce party, she burned her marriage certificate and everything. So …
a) awesome idea
b) hard to say… you know your friends best
c) I promise I will not burn anything. Except the men. Burn them all.
I am feeling this bar night idea! I recently ran into an important ex, and after our (shitty, awkward) talk I felt so much better about my life and choices, as well as my music, politics, health, and sanity. Why not celebrate the things you gained once you guys split up? (Like a hobby, or whatnot.) What if you made something about your new life the focus, not just the fact that you’re free of him?
Makeup wearers! Does anyone have a pressed powder they would recommend? I’m looking for something that will even the tone of my skin but not look caked-on.
And any other makeup topics you want to rave about, please feel free!
MAC has great options.
Seconded. I have MAC sheer pressed powder and I have very happy with it.
Gawd, I need recommendations for pressed powders, too, so I’ll be waiting for updates to this comment. I’m tired of the mess of loose powder, but I’m of An Age where pressed powder is just Not Kind to me anymore. Hoping someone has a suggestion for a good one.
I’m older than you are and MAC is working for me.
YAY! Thank you! And I know they’ve got shades that will work for me, too.
Oh, important for our more mature faces: do *not* apply with the flat little round supplied. Use a high quality powder brush. That way it applies more like loose powder. The flat little round thing almost guarantees a caked-on look.
And don’t forget: you are gorgeous before the first bit of makeup even gets close to your face.
you are gorgeous before the first bit of makeup even gets close to your face
Why does it help so much to be reminded of this? Yes yes yes yes and thank you.
Laura Mercier has a very good one out, smooth something.
I vastly prefer their traditional loose powders, but Bare Minerals has a newish version of their mineral powder foundation and mineral veil called “Ready” that’s a pressed powder compact. Might be worth checking out!
I use Neutrogena pressed powder (mostly because it has SPF in it, and also I’m cheap) and have been pretty happy with the results. I tend to put it on pretty lightly, though?
I use Urban Decay De-Slick Mattifying powder. It looks really pale in the container, but claims to work on all skin tones (I’m really pale, too, so I can neither confirm nor deny). It’s definitely worth a try; and, like others in this thread say, use a fluffy brush rather than the pad thing that comes in the compact.
Late, but permit me to hawk my wares once again <3 https://www.etsy.com/shop/MicDropDesign
you’re going to inspire me to start wearing earrings again if you keep this up. it’s all lovely!
1) Beautiful and fun. Thank you for sharing!
2) Thing I never thought to do until just now: search “misandry” on Etsy. Recommended!
I think I said this in an earlier thread but I had my eye on your octopus earrings and they are already gone! Sad for me, great for you ๐ Love your stuff!
As I said last week, I sprained my ankle last Thursday at roller derby practice. It’s a 2nd degree sprain, so it’s at least 6 weeks healing time. I love derby. I’ve been working my ass off this year to improve my play and my fitness, but I find I’m strangely OK with the enforced downtime. I’m knitting an octopus sweater from this pattern: http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/embrace-o…. I guess I needed the rest.
However, I’m used to walking fast everywhere and now I have to go so slow because of the pain. And I’m a terrible patient and I hate being taken care of. Sigh. It’s been a tough week.
oh my god that sweater
It’s astonishing. The most expensive pattern I have ever bought. But so very beautiful. I’m 10 rows in and haven’t screwed up yet.
That sweater! It’s glorious.
In other octopi- knitting news, the new Knitty has a stuffed octopus pattern in it, and I am totally making it for someone for Christmas: http://www.knitty.com/ISSUEdf14/PATTopus.php
Toastadas I’ve been meaning to tell you about my ridiculous work colleague for ages now, and kept forgetting. Not today, friends!
Basically, he and I were chatting about how it’s tough to get into a paid position in museums. We’re both about the same age, and I think we’ve both done a good amount of volunteering and applying for curatorial and archival positions. I was lamenting the fact that despite my MA in museum curating and a couple intern gigs at major museums, I still wasn’t able to land an entry level job. He gave me some appraising side-eye then he went for it- he busted out with “Yeah, you just have to volunteer and work for free. But see, it’s even harder for me, because I’m a male, and since museums are so female-dominated, I’m really at a disadvantage. I think I’ve missed out on jobs because of it, and thee’s just an unspoken prejudice really.”
He was completely serious. I smiled ruefully at him, as I was completely at a loss as to whether I should laugh, or laugh, so I opted for no response. I MEAN. Honestly, if I had only realised the museum business was so misandrist, I would have kept up with my applications, but I guess the fact that 90% of the senior museum curators and directors I’ve worked with are men, so that must have clouded my judgement.
I can’t look at him now without laughing and thinking about his glass ceiling.
You’re better than I am, I would have straight-up laughed in his face. Literally, stared into his face and HA HA HA HA HA HA’ed myself into oblivion.
Oh, how I wish I had. He really shouldn’t have been able to have gotten away with such an asinine comment. Part of me is dying for me to say something equally as ridiculous so I can HA HA to Kingdom Come.
You should’ve told him to work in museum technology. He would be safer there, free to graze with his own kind.
Seconding aravisthequeen’s inability not to laugh in his face, but also putting in my oar to say effffffffffffffff museums, I have my master’s and can’t get an entry-level job ANYWHERE.
I HAVE a decent museum position, but it still feels vaguely abusive and is not at all secure. WHYYYYYY did I choose this path??
I am currently working as a technical writer, which is fine, but I have applied for some museum positions that I am technically overqualified for, and if I even get a rejection letter, it’s usually laughing at me. WHY
Ugh, yeah, and where I live, it’s sort of a deadzone for museum work, and the experience I did have (and observed with others where I interned and worked) was that I’d basically be paying the museum to work for them, and be in a very precarious position. I’ve made peace with the fact that I will probably never work in a museum, and to be honest, it’s sort of a relief, if depressing to think about the cost of the degree. Though I do sort of want to get a job to prove this assmunch right.
oh the poor wee boy
I think I mentioned this in a previous thread but I finally got to visit my friend who lives/works at a Buddhist meditation center in Vermont.
Folks. I had never been to New England before, and Vermont is FANTASTIC. I did the following: slept in, picked raspberries, got a free massage, listened to bluegrass music in some stranger’s back shed, hiked, took naps, drank chai with maple syrup, shopped at a natural foods co-op, browsed bookstores, contra danced with my friend’s cute fellow Buddhist, and ate tacos and locally made bacon.
Now I really want to move to Montpelier, or at least start going contra dancing in New York.
that sounds like a heavenly trip!!!
CONTRA DANCING! I got to try it out when I was at a folk school for a week back in July and I fell totally in love. I wish it were a thing in San Francisco ;( (though supposedly it’s all over the place in Portland, which surprises me not at ALL). Anyway, yay New England!
psst, a Bay Area friend of mine goes here for contra funtimes: http://www.lcfd.org/sf/
Also, yes, contra (and ceilidh, which I persisted in calling Irish Contra to the mortification of my girlfriend) is all over the place in Portland. I miss it.
{GASP}
My family spends two weeks every summer in a tiny remote town in NE Vermont and it is the best part of our year, bar none.
Your trip sounds fantastic too! Maple everything is the best. Local music and mountains and raspberries bushes and Contra dancing are all amazing. And the foooood too.
(The winters and springs not as much, though, I hear, which is the one major hurdle to dreaming of moving there permanently.)
Montpelierrrrrrrrr! You went to Hunger Mountain Co-op, then? Where’d you get tacos? Did you go to Bear Pond or Rivendell or both? I miss it so muchhhhhh.
You guys, I’m thinking about jumping into the world of casual sex with internet strangers this weekend and it’s freaking me out a little! Not in an emotional-readiness way, I don’t think? Just in the sense that I’ve been in a monogamous relationship since I was 19, and dating in your late 20s is very different from dating at 19. Anyway. I feel like I kind of just have to…do it (har har), you know? (Also, since we’re on the subject – should I disclose that I’m still legally married? We’ve signed papers, but there’s a 90-day waiting period. I’m just looking for something casual, and it’s not to get back at him – I honestly don’t care whether he finds out or not. I just feel like it’s not relevant at all).
I don’t think it’s relevant, either.
And I recommend it! Casual sex with internet strangers can be just what you need. I wouldn’t do it if you’re actually freaked out, but nerves seem OK.
Do it.
Well, if the internet says so, I guess I have to…
I did this exact thing just this year. It was, in fact, very good for me. Only two of them went beyond one time, but that was fine.
Totally do it, but communicate your needs and expectations openly. Have fun!
As a lady who has messed around with men who were still legally married (that waiting period is apparently exactly when I meet divorced men), I will say that if I did not know about being in the waiting period before we had sex, I would have been pissed to find out after we had sex. Does that make any sense?
Then again, men have different feelings about finding that sort of thing out, maybe? I pretty much always tend toward more information on the table than is absolutely necessary because I hate lies, even lies of omission.
I fear this is not very helpful. Maybe see if the sex is any good, and tell if you want to have an ongoing thing, and don’t tell if you don’t want that?
That’s kind of how I was thinking about it? I mean, I’m all about full disclosure, but even bringing it up makes it seem like it’s relevant to my life, which it’s basically not. I guess worst-case scenario I bring it up and some guy who I probably wasn’t ever going to see again decides he doesn’t want to sleep with me, and I think I can get over that pretty quick.
Asshole ex texted me Tuesday night “landlord is evicting me if you want ur stuff come get it tonight”, which, I know I should have gotten it sooner but I’m kind of terrified of being around him alone, so I promptly panicked. But then I called my best friend who gave me a ride over there and was my escort and so now I have the quilt that my (recently deceased) grandmother made me and my roller derby skates and my Social Security card back and I never have to deal with that fuckface again!!!!
And then I ran a hot bath and soaked in it while drinking beer. Aaaah.
This is how I feel inside!
AS YOU SHOULD!
I’m sorry you had to deal with him again even a little but it sounds like it was for the best to finally get that last visit over with – you’ve got important stuff back and now you can ignore him forever.
Awesome about being done with him!
Well done!
Toasties! How do you get over the fear of new friends? I’m very social in situations where I already know everyone or where the social stakes are very low, but anytime I’m in one-on-one contact with someone who is trying to forge a friendship with me I get terrified and panicky and sometimes don’t respond and then feel very bad. I’ve been getting around it through the old “act like the person you want to be” trick but does anyone else get this way? How do I make my gut reaction less TERROR and more “wow this person thinks I’m neat better check it out!”
For me I try to figure out what it is I am actually scared of having happen, and figure out why it is that I am scared of it. But if it is just generalised panic I have to just sit with it and be scared and keep going anyway, which of course is easier said than done.
I don’t have any advice but I feel the same way sometimes. And sometimes I’m the one trying to forge a friendship and give up when the other person acts the way I know I do.
I left my terrible job! Actually, I started back to school online and figured out that the hours I was working were not only incompatible with feeling like a human being who gets to see people who aren’t coworkers, they were also incompatible with studying, and I wasn’t getting paid anywhere near enough for all that, so I left. Surprisingly, I put in a bunch of job applications in the weeks before I left and I’ve gotten more calls for interviews than I ever have, so maybe my timing was better than I thought. They’re not great jobs, but they’re better than what I had hours-wise and they’d do while I looked for a job I’m not miserably overqualified for in another city.
And I’m getting my hair cut today! I’ve been muttering about needing a haircut for over a month now, so I finally buckled down and made an appointment with a salon that lets you book online because otherwise I’d still be muttering about it until my mother took pity on me and booked an appointment somewhere for me six months from now. Yay, haircuts!
*very quiet voice*
is anyone else hungover or still drunk
I tried listening to Kick Out The Jams on headphones at work and it was just like “noooooooope this makes the room feel like it’s moving”
I wish
Does anyone else hate-read Facebook groups? I have two I am loving at the moment: a Vegan Cats one, and my town’s Customer Review page. The vegan cats one is full of crazies and people fighting over “the vegan lifestyle” and making bizarre pronouncements about cat claws evolving to allow them to open melon rinds. The customer review one is pretty great because it swings widely from people complaining about the stupidest things, to people objecting to the idea of negative customer reviews ever, often in the same thread. It’s got family members jumping in to defend people, weird conspiracy theories about our mayor, and at the moment someone arguing that it should not exist because there’s a little boy with cancer in our community and his parents would probably love to have no issues but bad service so everyone should just pray to God and hug their families instead of going on Facebook.
Both of those sound fucking amazing. Please tell me more about this Vegan Cats thing.
Agreed!
ETA: I don’t know if this is hate-reading, but one of my favorite ways of wasting time is reading drama in insular internet communities that I don’t/would never participate in.
I have spent HOURS reading Wikipedia edit wars about the most obscure shit.
I try to avoid hate-reading anything because I like to be happy and not rageful, but someone on FB linked to a page called something like ‘ink-free and happy’ in a comedy hate-ready way and i had to go and have a look, and good lord people get so very exercised about others’ choices. The person who made the page was going on about how everyone with tattoos is going to get cancer, ADHD and tetanus and hwo we all lookfilthy and will all be unemployed and homeless. I was baffled at the sheer vitriol!
I will NEVER understand why tattoos get some people SO INCENSED. Why?!?!? I DO NOT KNOW.
The other day I was horrified to notice that someone on one of my social media pages had shared a photo from an anti-tattoo page talking about how obviously all tattooed people abuse their kids(????) and don’t pay their bills and let their kids go to school dirty. Whaaaat?
I don’t know if I could handle reading the vegan cats things because I have such strong feelings about feeding domestic animals a biologically appropriate diet, but the customer review one sounds hilarious and overdramatic.
Speaking of facebook hate-reading, I hate-read a long thread in a local cloth diaper moms group the other day in which some poor woman was asking if there was a less expensive alternative to the current “trend” of $45 diapers and overpriced natural detergents, and people just jumped all over her for it. It raised my blood pressure significantly, but I also got to feel pretty smug about how relatively non-judgmental I am, so that was nice.
Oh man, mom opinions. A couple weeks ago I watched a thread develop on a cousin’s page after she asked in her status whether Annie’s brand organic snacks are actually better for her kid or if it doesn’t really matter. A bunch of ladies jumped all over her about letting her kid eat *any* kind of snack food, and about how she should really be making everything her kid eats from scratch. She came back with “My husband is military and I work full time, anyone want to come over and make all [kid’s name]’s snacks from scratch?” Crickets.
Ha! Bless her heart.
Yes yes yes yes so much. There’s one for my home county (read: backwoods as fuck-all) called “County Rants and Raves” and it’s just people fucking bitching and spreading rumors and overreacting to everything.
Oh my god this reminds of the terrible local newspaper that my family subscribed to when I was growing up, solely because I played sports and they covered all the high school sporting events. It had a comments section in the back that was sort of like a letters to the editor page but waaaaay more batshit because they were all anonymous, so people would write in basically just subtweeting their neighbors via the newspaper about like lawn decorations and who hadn’t gotten new license plates after moving from another state or whatever. My mom and I used to do dramatic readings of them, it was amazing.
dramatic readings: loving that
Cat-claws + melon-rinds has me in fits of uncontrollable giggles, thank you
oh god all I want to do is type WHY DO YOU HAVE A CARNIVOROUS PET? all over every comment on that facebook. must not give in….
Rules of the road question – please help! Last night I was out driving, and another car aggressively tried to pass me from behind on the right, within a single lane of traffic, in heavy traffic. It was at a sort of complicated intersection where the urban street I was driving on splits into 2, so the lanes are wide, but not that wide. At first I just held my ground because it’s not a part of the road where lane changes are allowed, but the car started to force its way in regardless. I brake, but the cars connect, and my front bumper draws a big loud scratch down the side of their car. They keep driving! I honk to indicate we should pull over to the side, I even roll down my window and shout, “hey, you hit my car!,” but they drive away into the night.
What just happened?! Is there anything else I could/should have done? Is it not true that when you have an accident, you are both supposed to pull over to the side of the road and discuss, even if you end up deciding not to pursue anything?? My car is totally unscratched, unlike theirs, so I guess I do not mind in the end, but it was kind of a shock, as well as a confusing experience. What might have been going on? The only things I could think of were either that the other car didn’t have insurance, or that it was a stolen car. :/
YES, you are both supposed to pull over and discuss. However, there are douchebags everywhere who think they are very important.
If your car is totally unscratched and you’re sure about that (go over your car with a bright light or in bright sunlight to be sure, and check the whole side of the car–not just where you think it might be), then I would probably just leave it be and chalk it up to a bad experience that could have been much worse. It’s entirely possible that A) they had no insurance, B) it wasn’t theirs (not only a stolen car, but “I borrowed mom’s/dad’s/girlfriend’s car”), C) they truly didn’t know and didn’t hear you shouting, D) they knew damn well and didn’t give a shit, or E) that’s just how they do and give no fucks about roadside safety.
If anything like that should ever happen again, the best thing to do would be to note down the plate number if you can and report it to the police. Bigger cities will have a dedicated traffic department for things like this, but smaller towns should be able to direct you to the right office/hotline/whoever. AND while we’re talking public safety, always be EXTREMELY careful when pulling over to the side of the road, because drivers are horrible and do not notice people, and always be EXTREMELY careful when dealing with people who may be very upset about expensive car-related incidents. Do not be afraid to call the police to mediate a dispute, even just exchanging insurance information. Always ALWAYS pull into a well-lighted area (this is just common sense, the better to see things with, too) safely away from traffic, and again: the police are usually able to come help you exchange information, etc.
Stay safe!
Thanks so much for this! It was really helpful. Also/especially: “However, there are douchebags everywhere who think they are very important.” I’ve only been in an accident once before, and other people (some helpful construction workers, actually) called the police for me to take a report, so it was a very different situation. Not having the other car acknowledge/respond made me feel almost gas-lit about the situation!
The car really does seem fine. Next time I will memorize the license plate faster — this time I only got the first 3 letters. And will be careful about that moment of getting out of the car, too, as you say!
Tinder doesn’t seem to work on my phone, and I am debating how much effort I can put into making it work before it’s sad.
I started making my Nathan Drake costume today (for Halloween and general purposes). Can I borrow a gun holster from anyone?
A friend of mine made one for his Captain Mal costume out of some upholstery pleather and it came out surprisingly nice for the first thing he’d ever done with fabric! Would that be something you could do?
Conversely, get one of those big French fry containers from Roy Rogers (they work beautifully!)
Man, I always arrive too late at the open threads! It’s like, 700+ comments and I feel like why bother because no one is going to read my comment anyway and nobody likes me so I guess I’ll go eat worms. Y’know.
My day/week/life is a big pile of poop right now and I don’t know how to make it better.
Booze and bouncing up and down mountains in Skyrim is what I do.
-SIGH- I wish I could just get stupid drunk. I had some dealcoholized wine the other week which was surprisingly not disgusting, but it’s not the same as just getting shitfaced in the middle of a weekday.
I’m also late, but that means I’m here to read this comment! I’m also sharing the big pile of poop lifestyle at the moment, also with no idea how to make it better, so. Solidarity!
No worms. We are all avoiding real life by reading the open thread forever.
I think a lot of people come back and sort by “Last Activity” (at least I do) so commenting late is not a problem!
Yep. I sit in the thread pretty much all day until I get to home because ain’t nothing happening in my office on Fridays. Seriously, sometimes I don’t understand why we’re even open.
Whoa – I did NOT even realize one could sort by “Last Activity.” Awesome. I usually show up late, too, and revisit once or twice over the weekend if I can.
Do you enjoy pictures of baby animals? Zooborns.com is my go-to happymaking site–there’s even a helpful list of animals in the sidebar, so you can jump directly to your favorites.
Ooh, thanks! That just got added to my bookmarks bar. Supes cute, love it.
I’m delaying doing any possible work for the next 45 minutes by reading just about every thread. It’s cool! Someone will still see you. ๐
I suggest flash frying the worms with a little garlic and a splash of soy sauce, serve on a bed of rocket x
I keep reading the open thread all day! As keyboard sharing and children permit. ๐
I am sorry your life is being awful right now. What are things you like? TV shows? Books? Hot paths? Long walks outside? Actually that last one is almost always a good idea, because it is good for bodies to move.
I feel like there isn’t really anything I like, although of course that isn’t really true. I’m feeling generally uncomfortable in my own skin, anxious about a vast variety of things (my job was supposed to pay me on Tuesday and they pushed to back to today and they still haven’t paid me! I just discovered that my son is deaf in one ear and partially deaf in the other! the daycare just told me that “by the way” my son doesn’t play with other kids ever or listen to instruction from the teachers and he pushes people all the time! I have a ridiculous amount of time off from my job that I should use to do something fulfilling or fun or money making and I can’t think of anything to do and I hate myself for it! My dear friend (who is also a Toastie -waves-) was unbelievably kind this week and loaned me a large chunk of money to pay bills which helped enormously but now I’m also stressed about paying her back in a timely manner! I still have a ridiculous amount of bills to pay! etc etc etc), and I’m not sure what a functional life even looks like at this point.
Maybe I should just take the dog for a walk or something, I don’t know. She stresses me out too, frankly.
Oh please just breathe. Maybe that sounds ridiculous but as I read this I feel like you are just holding your breath and holding it and holding it. Go outside by yourself (no dog!) even if outside is a parking lot or something and take a few deep deep breaths and let them out again and look at the sky.
That is a lot of really hard stuff and I am sorry for it. I am sure your son is going to be fine, but it is very scary, things like that with kids. They do push and things, they are primates, but of course that does not make it easier.
It is hard having free time, too, and feeling like you have to earn it by doing something wonderful. You do not. Your life is very full it sounds like and there are a lot of needs pulling at you. It is okay just to rest, although resting is kind of complicated sometimes.
Hah, you’re totally on point about that, I actually even feel like my writing style has changed over the past month or so, to include more long, out of breath, run on sentences, and you’re right, I am holding my breath constantly. My everything is tense. I feel like if I don’t constantly work hard at holding my body tightly together with tension and stress and sheer force of will, it will just fly apart and disintegrate into dust.
Thanks for your kindness and helpfulness, I needed that. I feel like I actually have far less going on than I could and should (less than I deserve), and I have an unhealthy obsession with feeling productive and improving, to the point that I actually do far less productive stuff than I’m honestly capable of, because of the constant stress and self-loathing.
Aaaaaaand end self-centered rant.
Speaking from personal experience… what will actually happen if you do not work hard at holding your body together is that all of the things you are trying not to feel & know will happen in your body and you will probably have some Very Big Emotions. And if they actually go through your body (by crying or shaking or yelling and hitting things, depending) then afterwards you will feel like you just removed 50 pound weights and the world will be very weird and different for a little bit.
So quit holding it back, whatever it is, I am sure you are strong enough to feel it and that afterwards you will still be here. There might have been a time in the past in which not feeling how you felt was a very important survival strategy, but I think that is probably not true now or you would not be so close to it.
Of course you can also ignore me. ๐
Oh man, you totally know what’s up. It’s funny you mention that, because that’s exactly the sort of things I was working on in therapy this past spring, until I just… stopped going one day. I don’t know, I feel like maybe whatever it is I’m holding on to is just too big and scary to let go of at this point.
It might be. But at least you are looking at it and choosing to keep holding on to it and to pay the cost of that. As an Internet Stranger I keep my fingers crossed that the day comes very soon when you can let it go and see what new things come in the room you have in your life when things are not filled up by the whatever-it-is.
(We… may have sung “Let it Go” from Frozen in the car like 1230948023 times this week in an attempt to do just that.)
Quit with the “should”. Ban that word. It’s no good. Unhealthy. Helps no one.
Consider, instead, kindness. What is one thing you can do right now to be kind to yourself? Please do that one thing. Or do that one thing for *me*, if you struggle to be kind to yourself.
FUCKING PREACH. Yes! I call it “shoulding all over yourself” and it’s a nasty habit. Also I adore the idea of doing something kind for yourself in someone else’s honor if you can’t bring to do it for yourself. That’s just lovely.
Yes, seconded! Being kind to yourself in someone else’s honour is a really lovely concept. And I love your phrasing of “shoulding all over yourself.”
I turn shoulding into shh-ing and have a lot of quiet moments with myself. Surprising how many times it happens in a day.
Guys guys! Just remember – out here on the West Coast, many of us have at least 4 more hours of sitting at our desks at work to get through before our weekends can start. Plenty of time yet for chat.
Yes, I do not even get to the open thread until about 10am West Coast Time!
Poopweek wormpile solidarity, but I also want to offer you some comic relief from my personal stash of woe: Pretty much everything I tried to do this week went majorly sideways and the help I asked for did not come through, so I was feeling just awful, stressed and useless, unemployable and unhoused and argh. I finally resolved to try and make some decent food, try to practice gentle self-care and just breathe for a while. Sat down to do some writing and…the entire right leg of my pants tore off, save one teeny little seam. So I now own a pair of all-season sensation, Pee-Chee portfolio jeans that are long on one side and Daisy Duke-d on the other. I hope this coming week is much kinder to you, and also that my pants leg grows back.
Oh my god, your poor pants! If you can believe it I actually had a very similar experience with my one and only pair of jeans last week! Lots of love and solidarity to you. Let’s eat some awesome foods and chill and do little things that make ourselves happy, k? <3
I am so sorry about your poor pants but also that is 1) a hilarious mental image and 2) baffling. How does this happen?
I’ve had pants clearly wear out at the thigh, but I think this was a case of one tiny thread-pull that told two friends, who then told two more, who then got involved with the friction zone and, kablooey. Now that I know I’m not alone I have fantasies of a short-leg/long-leg kick line. Hobo Rockettes!
CHICAGO (North Side / Evanston) TOASTIES MEETUP!
Saturday, November 1, Rogers Park Social, near the Morse stop on the Red Line 6:00 – 10:00 pm.
Feel free to contact me via my FB page.
http://grampaandgrandmasterflash.tumblr.com/
This tumblr is KILLING ME oh my god. It’s grandmas trying to sign their facebook posts “love, grandma” but accidentally tagging Grandmaster Flash instead?!? Comedy gold.
I followed that down the rabbit hole to Reddit oldpeoplefacebook and now I am dead.
I have successfully adulted! That is, I very nearly signed a lease on an apartment (larger than I expected, alllllmost more expensive than I could afford) until I gave in to the gross feeling I’d had about the management company ever since the guy who showed me the place announced that it would be easy to find him in the parking lot, “it’s the silver Beamer with chrome wheels.” Followed up by a lease that put…way more responsibility for maintenance on the tenant than I was comfortable with. So I sent them an email and I DID NOT apologize and I told them that no, I was not going to sign their inappropriate lease.
And literally the next day I found a gorgeous apartment, smaller but well within budget, within biking distance of two bookstores and groceries and next door to the dojo where I’ve been thinking about taking aikido. I feel the universe has sufficiently validated my decision.
I’m so happy that the universe validated what was undoubtedly an awesome decision! As someone who is now bemoaning the fact that I have to get in a *car* and drive on a *dangerous highway* in the dark to go to aikido in my sensei’s basement one time a week (the other 2 days are fine, but it’s a bunch of mats set up in a former pump house without a toilet…), I’m especially jealous of your proximity to where you might try aikido. ๐ If you do, I’d go at least two or three times–over the four years I’ve done it, I’ve seen so many people come just once and get scared away by an admittedly kind of boring basic class. (…not that i want to pressure a lovely internet person in any way!) Enjoy your new place!
Huzzah! Proximity to groceries and martial arts makes for a good life, I find. Enjoy!
Toasties, it’s ok to buy a four-month-old filly without discussing it with your spouse, right?
DEFINITELY. DO IT.
Good, good…
Definitely! But it’s not ok unless you post pictures on The Toast, k? So make sure you give us all the deets because OMG BEHBEH PONEH!
Yes. But as said above, only if you join in the horse threads because there are not enough of us.
Beloved Toasts, I am leaving my miserable job and I’m ecstatic but worried. I do not have anything lined up yet, but I do have an interview later today.
Good luck with your interview! I’m glad you get to leave your miserable job. ๐
Mr Prawns did the same 3 weeks ago and he’s doing great. I believe in you!
I also love your screen name. Lying Cat forever.
I have hijacked a few threads over the past 2 weeks to talk about biking, so I’ll start my own this week. I bought a new bike (YAY), and all I want to do is ride it, obviously. I had trouble sleeping on Weds night & hardly did any work yesterday because I was so excited about getting it! When I rode it home last night I realized that I absolutely had to change the saddle because ouch, so I went and bought the cheapest Terry saddle today. Anybody have any experience with their saddles? It is garish– there are both pink & sparkly details :((((( On Sunday I am biking the perimeter of Manhattan with the womens/trans/genderqueer group! I’m really excited, both for the ride & to meet new people. What are other bikey people up to?
Oh, and NYC people, I have a sandwich rec for you: Sophie’s Cuban Cuisine. They will put maduros on your sandwich. Yes.
Haven’t tried Terry saddles yet, I am on a generic touring saddle (so old the name is worn off). Works for me, any other advice is just: wear padded shorts for any ride > 5 miles and make sure you’re sitting more on your sit bones.
I’m trying to get in any riding this weekend, hopefully beating the heat (the always annoying September SoCal heat wave).
I need a new saddle to! My is hurting my lady junk something fierce. I bought a new bike last week but I am struggling to fall in love with it. The saddle is one thing, I think the gears need some adjusting…. I’m taking it to teh shop tonight so fingers crossed!
My Sister in Law had a baby girl yesterday. I want to be happy for her and my brother, but instead I feel totally desolate about the fact that I can’t have children of my own. BTW, anyone who replies with, ‘You can always adopt!’ can Fuck RIGHT Off.
I am sorry. This sucks. You hurt. And that’s understandable. And it hurts more when you think of, hear of, see this new baby. And that’s understandable, too. And you have to keep all that hurt to yourself around everyone who knows this new baby. And that hurts, too. I am so, so sorry. Can I take you out for drinks tonight (in central Texas)?
Thanks! It’s a wee bit far for a drink, but have a single malt for me x
I am really, really sorry for. It is a huge grief, and there is no softening it. I will bring you ice cream if that would be nice.
You guys are the best x
I’m so sorry that you’re feeling the pain of that loss. I wish I could give you all the hugs and cake and babies, and punch anyone who tells you that you can “just” adopt or anything stupid like that, like it’s such a simple, easy thing that will solve everything.
Just being able to say it felt amazing, but I can provide names and addresses for punching duty if it gets too much x
TOASTRONS: as some of you may remember, I lost the tip of my right middle finger in a gym accident as I was preparing for a Strongwoman contest. Now, I’ve recently found out that it could potentially grow back thanks to NPR: http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2013/06/10/190385….
This is the most mind-blowing thing I’ve read this afternoon. Well, that and Chris Davis getting suspended for 25 games.
ETA: And this is one of the more heartbreaking things I’ve read today: After Ferguson, Some Black Academics Wonder: Does Pursuing a Ph.D. Matter? I am so over respectability politics and the “twice as good” mantra right now.
Whoa! Congratulations to you and your middle finger!
I am trying, and failing, to contain my excitement and hope.
Also, at work we just tried making a googly eye attachment to my dressing for the lulz.
Nooo shit. How much of it? I lost the tip of my left ring finger in the weight room, into the nail bed but not quite enough to hit the bone. Grew back except for a tiny strip of scar tissue at the tip. Took a couple years to fully round out again, though. I can’t tell from the NPR article if they only mean injuries that go into the bone or if mine counts.
“The girl came back in a few weeks with the old fingertip in a bag and a new one on her hand”
Do you think this happened at school? “Teacher, look, my finger fell off!” *teacher faints*
WHAT WHOA
My left ring finger tip is still scarred and flat but I will be OBSERVING IT CLOSELY, now.
TOAST. My awful new coworker (who has been here six weeks and I am still stuck teaching her things we covered on Day 2 like “How to answer the phone”) just went to the boss and complained that I am “too sniffly” and “sneeze too much” and it’s affecting her concentration.
The REASON I sneeze so god-damned much in this fucking office is because it flooded in March and April and my ceiling leaked and shed plaster dust EVERYWHERE. And continues to do so DAILY. Every day I clean up plaster dust and every day more falls down, making me sneeze. My boss was like “Do you have allergies?” and I explained, and his response was “Oh, maybe I should get around to fixing that sooner.” It has been SIX GODDAMN MONTHS you moron.
And WHAT’S MORE, I sneeze quietly like a duchess and I cannot help being kind of sniffly THANKS TO YOUR SUBPAR OFFICE CONDITIONS. I can’t help it! I don’t WANT to sneeze! And if we’re going to discuss interrupting things, how about turning on the radio like you do, asshole coworker, when I’m on the phone with a client?! Or randomly asking “What’s that noise?!” when the noise is a car in the lot next door?
I WANT TO SET EVERYTHING ON FIRE. Guys, my job.
The secret to an effective Molotov cocktail is lasagne sheets: break them apart and submerge them in the petrol, leave for an hour or so before stuffing in the rags and then get ready to riot! Or you know, don’t break the law and quit? Totes joking NSA!
Seriously, though, lasagne. Other pasta is available.
Jk!
I would quit tomorrow (well, Monday) if I had a new job! I’ve been job-hunting for several months now and it’s slowly killing my soul.
Good lord, that is ridiculous. I want to help you burn everything to the ground, especially your new coworker.
FUCK THAT AWFUL COWORKER. Seriously.
Sounds like it might be against health and safety work regulations?
Toasties, has anyone been watching the new Outlander tv adaptation? I finished the first book last night and honestly I was just completely shattered by it, not sure whether in a good or bad way yet. How far has the tv series gone/ do you think it will go into the angst and the trauma? Should I protect my emotions by not watching it?? Is it good enough to watch anyway? (this is not very coherent, sorry. The book made such an impression on me that I’m still processing it really.)
Dudes, I fucked up, maybe. There’s this coworker at my tiny, residential place of working whom I hit on in a hilarious and ill-fated way two years ago. He gave me a bunch of excuses, and getting to know him over time gave me the gloss for his rejection: “I am a grown man but also a tiny child who is scared of relationships and also you aren’t the type of girl I usually crush on and forward women are not even a thing in my worldview.” I pursued him in a friend-type way for a bit afterwards, because it is a tiny place and we have a lot in common and get on well, but was rebuffed pretty hard for that as well for a while (until he was sufficiently certain I wouldn’t grab at his junk, maybe?), until we eventually just became decently friendsome colleagues who chat and play Words with Friends every once in a while.
Until we slept together last week. It was…unexpected.
Turns out he has tons of Catholic anti-casual sex stuff, which weirded him out, but also was concerned that I was now convinced we were in a serious relationship, which weirded me out. I said via email that I wasn’t making a big deal and that we should just talk it through like grown-ass people. so it doesn’t get any more awkward. He agreed, but has taken no further steps to do so. And now, 10 days on, we have not said one word to each other in person.
This sucks, but my actual fuck up is actually maybe wanting something to come of this? Perhaps it’s the surprisingly good sex, or the fact that I’d been celibate for 3 years before earlier this summer, or that I really do like him and want the best for us both, but I feel much more invested than I should or than what would be effective to not make him just retreat into ultimate awkwardness forever. I’m also concerned about my work reputation and shared responsibilities and the goddamn lunchroom politics, like this was high school all over again.
Basically, I feel he is a wild horse and I climbed in his pen, and am about to get kicked no matter how much gentle nonsense I whisper, and also I unfortunately think his mane is really pretty and wouldn’t it be fun to ride a wild horse over the plains? I’ve made a series of tiny, huge mistakes.
Dude, this guy is the original definition of Darth Vader Boyfriend minus the boyfriend part: good sex + enough drama to fascinate.
Get out of there before he blows up a planet.
Oh, ouch. โWomen love a sick child or a healthy animal; A man who is both itches them like an incubus.โ That was an excellent read and perspective, thank you.
I can see this ending beautifully and I can see this ending in a total nightmare for both of you. Yikes. I hope things work out for the better for you, even if “better” means “remain just friends and laugh asses about this two years from now.”
I feel like the sooner we get on to any of these outcomes, the happier I /less intense the fall will be. Fingers crossed.
Crossing with you. Keep us posted!
I have found, when talking myself or someone else out of becoming convinced that something that will not work will work, that it’s helpful to tell the story of what’s going on right now as your “how we met” story.
So. . .”I liked him, but he said he wasn’t into me, and also demonstrated that he’s immature and also a little sexist. Then we slept together and he wouldn’t speak to me afterwards other than to say he felt guilty because of Catholicism but also to reiterate that he doesn’t want a relationship with me. . . .AND NOW WE’RE MARRIED”. Doesn’t sound right, does it?
Toasters, today my work signed into effect a policy to prevent and respond to sexual misconduct. It was authored by a scholar specializing in women and gender studies, survivors and trained rape victim advocates contributed to the procedures, and we moved beyond what’s required by VAWA and Title IX compliance to emphasize institutional support and resources for people dealing with the aftermath of misconduct, to include explicit prohibition of discrimination/harassment based on gender identity and gender presentation, and other stuff. The educational content related to this is squarely centered on building a culture of consent and Don’t Rape instead of Don’t Get Raped. There’s still a long way to go, but I think this is solid.
I have never been so proud of a piece of committee work in my whole professional life and it’s awesome to have a chance to put my feminism into practice.
I bow to you! Good work.
That is AMAZING. Wow!
For any Toasties interested in (or voting in!) the Scottish independence referendum next week… I offer this clip of Ortberg-caliber trolling. The Labour Party sent 60 MPs and other activist types to Glasgow to drum up support for the union, and these guys followed them through the city center, blasting the Star Wars Imperial Death March… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiMXuEmqAHA&f…
I feel like it would have worked better without the yelling, though the yelling does add a certain something.
It gave me a happy nostalgia for the deathless zombo.com
I am so sick of the referendum I just want to punch everything. I will admit that http://www.thefuckingreferendum.com/ is hilarious though.
Anyone here know how to be a functional human with functional relationships?? Basically, I have spent most of my life either abjectly terrified of emotional/physical intimacy with other people or convinced that I am too emotionally fucked-up to subject upon someone else.
I don’t think that any more! But…now what. I am trying to figure out how to go from being a person who Does Not date/hook up/do relationships of any sort to one who Does, and it just seems as if everyone in my age group (late college btw- yes, I know I am just a sweet summer childe) is just so, so incredibly far ahead of me in that respect. It is not so much that I think that no one else is making mistakes, but that they have all progressed to making grown-up mistakes, while I have absolutely no idea where to start.
Oh man, when you find out let me know, k? I’m going to be 25 in a couple of weeks and I haven’t got a sweet fucking clue how to relationship like an adult.
Begin by jettisoning your impressions of the relational skills of others. Abandon also the habit of comparing yourself to anyone else.
I suggest some small goal setting. For example, this coming week I will introduce myself to 3 new people.
Once that goal is accomplished, move on to goals like asking 3 questions of each person you meet.
Look back on your progress and give yourself some respect: Hey, last week I spoke to 2 new people and I still remember their names. And the week previous I spoke to no one. I’m improving!
I can do friends though! I have slowly figured out the vagaries of platonic social interaction, and I can say that I have close friends. I just don’t know how to get from that to smooches.
If there is a particular friend you want to smooch, watch a movie while sitting sort of close together and accidentally brush arms or legs. If they brush back more firmly, smooching can commence!
Oh yes to the goal-setting and watching your accomplishments, NOT how far away the endgame is.
I recommend reading lots and lots of romance novels. Seeing all these incredibly different characters with their own issues end up in relationships made it obvious that there was no actual “way” to get there, but that in turn gave me enough confidence to sort of bumble into happiness myself.
I also didn’t really get the point of dating until I was almost done with college- it seemed like the goal was to find someone to share a life with and I wasn’t interested in sharing. And that was okay too!
Good luck and have fun!
This is HARD. Don’t feel bad about it feeling hard, because it is hard, and even people who seem to be doing it well would agree. My advice is to start out slow, but I’m the kind of person who’d rather wade into a pool a half-inch at a time than dive off the diving board, so take that into consideration. I like RoseCamelia’s suggestion of goal setting. For a long time, for me, my goal was just to allow myself to respond in some tiny way if someone showed some interest. If I felt safe and like there wasn’t much risk of anything happening. Like, a cute guy in a coffeeshop smiles at me and instead of deadpanning him (or giving him the Stare of Death), I might, possibly, smile back. And then not do anything else. And sometimes this means they will talk to you, but not always, and if they do you can just give a fake name. “I’m Penelophelia, nice to meet you, I was just leaving.”
Be brave, but only as brave as you want to be.
Might it help to try to internalise the fact that there is no one correct way of having a relationship?
That said, I find that the most successful relationships are ones in which jealousy is not indulged (you may well feel it but you don’t act on it), there is open-ness about feelings and any perceived problems, and each person maintains their independence and sense of themselves beyond being the other person’s partner. I think it’s important to remember that you don’t have to spend every waking moment together — for one thing it’ll annoy your friends who will sometimes want to see you on your own as well as with your partner.
This is hella late (attempting to be productive is totally cramping my Toast style), but I wanted to give a shout-out! Toastron meowmischen went out of her way to meet me on my way out of Pittsburgh lately and she is awesome and she took me to the best banh-mi I have ever tasted (actually, one of the better sandwiches I’ve ever had, period)!
Hey guys, I would love to get some opinions about a sort of mental/physical health conundrum. I am several months into a new job, which is great. My last job was a food service job I was bad at that regularly entailed being on my feet for 8 hours at weird times of the day. I am thrilled not to be doing that anymore! However, since I’m now comfortably ensconced at a desk surrounded by snacks and good takeout places, eating 3 squares, I have put on weight. Like my clothes are tight and I feel not-healthy. Like my BMI is officially in the “overweight” category. Like people keep offering me seats on the subway and saying “congratulations”. So the answer, obviously, is to eat right and exercise. But I’m having trouble staying on track mentally.
I love food and was lucky enough to have a metabolism that supported that up until the end of college, so thinking at all about what I was eating was a fairly recent adjustment. I also had an incident a few years ago when a medication I was on caused a lot of weight gain but I didn’t realize the cause for a few months. This happened to coincide with a period of anxiety/depression, so I channelled a lot of frustration into miserably dragging my carcass to the gym and miserably measuring out 3/4 cups of Special K every morning, then being mad it wasn’t working and eating a bunch of bread because fuck it. I looked at thinspo with morbid fascination. I would write vicious insults on Post-it’s and put them on the mirror as fun little reminders of what people must be thinking to motivate myself. Nothing worked at all, I couldn’t lose more than half a pound no matter what. When my genius therapist figured out what was up, she switched my medications and the pounds just sort of melted off. (I’m still seeing her, and am now in a much much much better state of mind).
But now I’ve got some kind of weird associations with trying to lose weight and counting calories – namely, it didn’t work and I was in a really bad mental space while I was doing it. It weirds me out that my clothes I was so excited to fit into again are now once again too small. I also hate exercise, it makes me feel weak and like the slowest girl on the 7th-grade field hockey team again. I sweat copiously. I used to really love dance until some unnecessarily humiliating criticism in my teens made me too self-conscious to enjoy it. So motivating myself to commit to any regimen to is hard, especially since my schedule is crazy and I have to carve out time for writing my own projects as it is, so I’m actively taking away precious time from a thing I really like and excel at in order to do something that makes me frustrated and insecure.
So I’m a whole barrel of issues! Basically, I want to know if anybody has any ideas for resources for healthy eating or exercise that will not make me feel like garbage! So far, I’ve found some really good recipes that I’ve been making to take to work, started a food diary (which has been sort of making me neurotic) and put a pedometer app on my phone. Ugh, so much of the stuff on the internet in this genre messes with your head and I would really like to stay body-positive and reasonably feminist about this (so I’d like to avoid Fifteen Ways to Lose Your Jiggle Before You Become Unloveable and anything containing the term “Belly-Blasting”).Besides, of course, Feel The Burn, does anyone have any suggestions for resources or exercise genres? I aspire to be an agile goddess of strength unencumbered by doubt.
(Thanks for reading, anyone who got through the saga above)
I lost a significant amount of weight using the book 8 Minutes in the Morning for *just* the exercises (basically a quick circuit training workout six mornings a week). It’s fast, uncomplicated, requires very little in the way of equipment, and you can laugh at the Dale Carnegie overkill if it bugs you or use it for encouragement if it helps. I also like 90 Second Fitness, which starts with just a plank and a wall sit, and timing yourself with a goal to boost your time by a few seconds each day. That book has good supplemental exercises and the food recommendations are kind of fun, too. Both books are remaindered/available used all over the place, too, so if you don’t click with them it’s not a tragedy. I’m going to keep an eye on this thread since I’m looking for something besides these to jump into myself.
Hello! I do not have any good suggestions for weight loss, I am just commenting to commiserate. Gaining weight suddenly can be really wrecking for one’s self-confidence, mostly for reasons having nothing to do with your actual body! This happened to me last fall and I have not lost any of it, but I do feel a bit better, so I will tell you about this and perhaps it will help to have comisery.
So, for most of my life I’ve had a very stable weight but I also I have chronic hypothyroidism, and last year for the first time I gained a lot of weight over six months of being undermedicated, and it remains to be seen whether I will ever be able to lose it, since neither exercise nor calorie counting have made an impact. But as to feeling better, two major things that helped are:
1. Buying clothes that fit. I can’t stress this enough. Putting on badly-fitting clothes is the WORST for your esteem. I grew out of everything I owned over time, so over the course of a year I’ve pretty much replaced my entire wardrobe via frequent thrift store searching, but now I feel pretty! And confident!
2. Buying a Kinect for my Xbox. This was a big deal for me, because it meant that I didn’t have to trudge up to my former gym in the snow or rush to yoga classes after work. I could just work out for fifteen or twenty minutes before showering for work, or longer on such evenings and weekends as I felt up to it. There are a lot of different workouts to choose from in the games I got, and they are gameified with points and achievements and such, so I found it easy to stick with it. And I feel SO much better about my body, my health, and my life when I have that going on.
So, in my case–because my metabolism is subject the unpredictable factor of my antibodies attacking my own thyroid hormones–the most feminist and body positive routine I can have is to take the best care of the body I currently possess. Feed it, clothe it, give it a whirl in the privacy of my own home.
Yes I totally second number 1. I gained quite a lot of weight in the past few years and although I felt a bit weird at first, I was actually generally fine about it EXCEPT whenever I tried on things in my wardrobe that no longer fit — at which point I would start feeling ugly and upset. Put them away where you can’t see them!
Oh man, I’ve been there too, and came out of it with the same feelings you’ve described. I think you’re on the right track, though! Cooking for yourself is great.
Activity wise, I take my dogs to work with me (I’m very lucky to live in a place where the climate makes this possible) and go walking with them at lunch. I spend the time breathing, thinking about projects, clearing my head, and it is so worth it and makes me more productive. I don’t know that I’d do it without the dogs demanding it though, because I am inherently a lazy person.
I also really liked doing this 30-day squat challenge thing at home, since it only took like five minutes a day and gave me really clear progress- plus, it was about feeling strong and being strong and not about hating my body. And, if possible, maybe your new work would spring for a stand-up desk? Mine cost about $300 plus shipping and my work thought it was worth the cost.
ALSO: FUCK THE BMI. That is such a useless and hurtful measure of health.
Doing exercise because it is “good for me” is the best way for me to demotivate myself in 3 seconds flat. I am much better off doing things that are fun that just also happen to be exercise. For me that is judo, because I am a violent person who enjoys throwing people. For you it might be something else- maybe something dance-y like Zumba or belly-dancing or water aerobics or something else that is active but also enjoyable? I am convinced that finding an active thing that you do because you want to and because you enjoy it is way more the secret to fitness than suffering on a treadmill for a prescribed number of minutes a day. Life is long- if you find a thing you want to keep doing for years and years, you will definitely get better at it. And if that thing is epic dance parties in front of your television, then do that.
When I was sadly deprived of judo, I found You Are Your Own Gym to be a reasonable home bodyweight workout book that could con me into putting way more effort into workouts than I thought I was doing, and I definitely got stronger doing it. I just also got bored, because it’s not as much fun as throwing people. (I have very specific exercise preferences that involve a high degree of both socialness and competitiveness. Judo and soccer are excellent, running makes me want to die).
The xxfitness sub on Reddit is actually pretty okay- obviously it is full of women who live in our lovely (terrible) culture and thus any individual post can contain any amount of the terrible body bullshit our culture likes to feed us, but it is by and large a pretty supportive community and a reasonable place to ask fitness type questions and get reasonable answers.
CARDIO SUCKS: LIFT WEIGHTS or you know do bodyweight or whatever, basically, feeling strong and competent has been a mind-blowing experience.
More overarchingly: find something that works for you, and figure out how to create a brainspace that makes it Just For You. My mother was an awful concern troll, always worrying about my pudge. The summer before I went off to college she put me on a no-carb diet and made me walk a mile around the block with her every scorching Texas morning. I was livid but also didn’t know how to get out of it.
Last year, I realized that I do exceptionally poorly being told what I can and cannot eat, but years of RPGs have conditioned me for stat-finagling. If I need to eat this cake at lunch, it’s gonna cost me in terms of how many cals I can put towards dinner, but even then I can still squeeze a beer in if I choose a cider. Society wants you to think calorie-counting is about how little you can eat: chortle heartily in their faces! Cal-counting is about eating as much as you possibly can while staying within a number like a boss, like tetris-ing a vacation worth of stuff into a carry-on bag. So basically: I’m a quantifier with a beat-the-system mindset, so I constructed a way that works for me. If you’re not me, it may not work for you!
If you’re miserable, it’s gonna suck. Maybe you can pick up dance again as a giant middle finger to the assholes in high-school. Maybe you’re not vindictive like that and figure out what it was that you liked about dance and apply it or find it elsewhere. Work it into your lifestyle instead of the other way around and not only will it be easier to stick to, but you’ll keep with it and it’ll actually work, too.
Most of all, allow yourself a little self-love. A lot of us struggle with bad memories around weight. The best revenge is living better, whatever that’s gonna mean for you. For me nowadays, it means lifting weights while laughing at the gymbros, and shaking my ass while I do chores to a Pandora station of execrable pop music. I stopped counting cals but I may pick it back up again, so I can get my protein macros high enough to put on some serious muscle. Nothing is ever the be-all end all. What works now might not be what you want down the line. Allow yourself some options and some leeway. Good Luck!
I can’t recommend Go Kaleo enough! She has a very sane approach to all the weird diet culture out there and has a great, body-positive approach to healthy eating and exercise. (Don’t be scared by the name; it’s a joke riffing on diet fads.) Also try Stumptuous. She has wonderful weightlifting advice with a badass, no-nonsense approach.
Fitness Blender is a good website with doable workout videos that aren’t annoying or in-your-face.
Good luck!!
I am posting this, knowing the feelings of how some people feel about these two/three fruits.
I have made so much apple juice and apple butter I feel almost obsessed. I also have pears. So many pears. So many apples. I have no idea what I’m going to do with them all. And that’s just the red bosc and the apple tree. I haven’t even harvested from the apple pear tree. Which is so full of fruit. And cooking with them is difficult and there aren’t many recipes. I might just take a bunch of them to the food bank. So much fruit. Too much fruit.
I have no questions or anything, I just needed to share this.
Apple butter?! Wow mind blown – had never heard of it. Is it quite common in America? Sounds delicious.
Baked apples are amazing! And crumbles. Also pears poached in red wine and spices when cold weather and in white wine and mint when warm weather are great dinner party desserts.
It is in the areas that have apple orchards. So, I guess up here in the Pacific Northwest and in the Northeast. I vaguely used a recipe from an old Joy of Cooking that entailed baking it. I juiced the apples first and then removed all the skins and cooked the pulp and then added the spices and a glurg of watered down brandy (because I sadly, cannot afford wine, atm). It came out great! If you bake it it’s pretty easy to make plus it makes your house smell great. It’s good on bread and we ate it on cornbread stuffing for dinner the other night.
apple pear?
It’s a yellow spherical pear from Japan that has the bite of an apple. They are also known as Asian Pears and are generally eaten raw.
The food bank would be delighted to have them!
I really like pear jam. Also a couple years ago when I got a bunch of Asian pears (this might be the same as your “apple pears”?) from a friend I made bourbon ginger Asian pear jam which was super yummy.
Yes, Asian pears are the same as apple pears. Thank you for the recipe!
I am sure the food bank would love them! I was just looking over a recipe for pear sorbet last night and was intrigued. If you have an ice cream maker I’d be happy to post the recipe!
I do and I would love that!
Pear Sorbet!
4 ripe pears (2 1/2 pounds or 1 1/4 kg), peeled and cored
1 1/4 cup (305 ml) water
2/3 cup (130g) sugar
1 teaspoon freshly squeezed lemon juice
Cut the pears into 1-inch (3cm) chunks. Put them in a large saucepan with 1/2 cup of the water. Cover and cook over medium to high heat for 15 minutes until pears are cooked through and tender. Transfer to a blender (you should have 2 cups of pear mush) and add the remaining 3/4 cup water, along with the sugar and lemon juice. Puree in blender until smooth. Chill thoroughly, then freeze in ice cream maker.
For Pear-Ginger sorbet, add 1/4 cup very finely chopped candied ginger to sorbet during last few minutes of churning.
This is directly pulled from David Lebovitz’s fantastic ice cream book “The Perfect Scoop,” which is full of amazing things.
Amazing! This recipe and the fact that I have all of the ingredients. Thank you!
Fantastic! His recipes are always delicious and I’m slowly working my way through the book. Let us know how it goes in this week’s open thread?
I feel very strongly about apples and pears so I am glad to be informed!
Oh man, taking them to the food bank would be an amazing life choice. As a former recipient of food bank bags, I can tell you that generic mac ‘n’ cheese gets depressing really quickly.
As a past and possibly future food bank user, I do know of what you speak.
I have so many cans of green beans, which will never go away because I refuse to eat them. I want to put them on the compost pile, but I’m worried the sodium content will damage my soil. And my earthworms.
You could rinse them really well before composting them or compost a can every other month? Do you have a dog? You could mix well rinsed beans with wet dog food. We’ve done that with canned peas and they slurped that mess up.
Things got weird this week. I mentioned in the open thread two weeks ago that I work in NONPROFIT FIELD, and have done so for 5 years now, but have mostly moved some version of laterally. I currently have kind of boring job with few responsibilities/opportunities for creativity (fewer than previous places!) at HUGE PLACE IN FIELD where I’ve been for a year. It’s full time, which is awesome, but doesn’t necessarily have the opportunity to teach me anything and is NOT what I want to do for the next five years. As I said before, in getting to know colleagues I’ve found that many people stay at this particular HUGE PLACE for years without much advancement so I’m not sure I can move up here.
So, former colleague A from HUGE PLACE suggested I apply at a new company, ALSO A HUGE PLACE, where another former colleague, B, works. B interviewed me by phone and said I’d hear back in the next two weeks (this is the end of week two.) I have not heard back and now suspect that as I lack direct experience in one area of NEW JOB, I probably won’t get this position. Which is a shame because it would be a KickAss Job I could actually see myself doing for 3-5 years at least and being quite happy!
So. That’s a shame. But then, a new job has opened up directly with colleague A!? Only, this is a job at a SMALLER BUT STILL KNOWN PLACE, and it’s more challenging than my current job but still very admin oriented. So…..should I apply for this, knowing that the chances of getting my foot in the door are much higher? Is this a good career move? I’m just not sure, and I literally don’t know how to weigh this out.
At the same time, my supervisor at HUGE PLACE left about a month ago. My new supervisor just started last week, wanted to see my resume, and now wants me to take on bigger projects. Which is very exciting! Although HUGE PLACE is rigidly hierarchical so I’m actually a little worried that she won’t in fact be able to do so. Also, there’s been talk of more responsibility, but no talk of title or salary changes.
But man. Now I just am not sure what to do. Do I apply for job at SMALLER BUT STILL KNOWN PLACE as well? Can doing so screw up any chances I still might have with ALSO A HUGE PLACE? Colleagues A and B are friends and get dinner together and go back several years, etc, so if I applied to both I suspect they’d both be aware. Do I stay where I am at HUGE PLACE and hope that with the right supervisor in my corner that things will start to get better? Is this person in my corner? Find out next week, on As The Mouse Clicks.
((I apologize for the increasing use of all-caps name replacements and hope for your sake and mine that it doesn’t get too cute.))
that sounds complicated. I say, apply to everything. (I hate looking for a new job. I need to do it, like right now, but I don’t want to).
Maybe also worth negotiating for a pay rise and/or title changes at your current place?
Are Colleagues A and B reasonable people who are likely to understand things like wanting to advance your career and seizing opportunities as they are available rather than waiting for the magical maybe opportunity to arise? Because if they are reasonable, they should understand your desire to seek challenges/ improve your career/ etc. (Also hiring processes can take a crazy amount of time, especially at huge places, so they may have just been overly optimistic about response time frames? Don’t count anything out just yet!)
I say apply- if/ when you get an interview, you’ll have an opportunity to get more information and see if the new job opening is the opportunity you think it is. Plus, you’ll be able to see if current job continues to develop or improve. You don’t have to take the job even if they offer it. (This advice is naturally, like all advice, easier to give than take :P)
I’m probably over-thinking it – and A and B has been doing this long enough that they’ve moved institutions a few times – they are reasonable and probably would be understanding…
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I am not a Giants fan. Come on, get it right, my team is the one with the racist nickname and evil dictator owner. I was saying our whole division is terrible. Which includes the Giants!
I would like crab dip made of starlight and Eli Manning's tears.
ETA: No idea why all of that is italicized, can't do anything about it.
This is the Britishest thing I've ever heard.
It looks like he beat the shit out of his little boy. And has something in his home he likes to call "the whooping room". I'm fucking done.
Warning, pictures of resulting abuse in following link:
http://deadspin.com/report-adrian-peterson-indict…
I'm leaving it at that for now.
I think ancient magic lectures/classes are the key to me fulfilling my career goals as a librarian and officially becoming Rupert Giles. Also congrats to you!
Watching Murder She Wrote and figuring out Tinder = maybe not the best use of a tipsy Friday night
I’m reading this organized by most recent activity, and above you, is a thread about working out. My first thought was,”excellent workout plan.”
This week, I became Dr. Floridagal. It feels really surreal.
Congratulations!
Huzzah!
BADASS. Many congrats to you!
Congratulations!
I’ve had a sister-in-law for almost a week! The wedding was amazing, and I cried even more than my brother did, and everything was perfect.
My brother’s 4 years younger than me, and did most of his growing up after I’d moved away to grad school. I still haven’t fully adjusted to the existential change. I keep getting misty-eyed when I think about my baby brother having grown up into a wonderful young man with a wife and an apartment and a dog.
Probably no one will see this, but…I just finished Firefly and Serenity, and now I really want to cosplay as Inara and make my boyfriend be Mal. Geek Girl Con is on October 11th-12th so I’m going to try to go as Inara for that and then repurpose the costume for Halloween. I’ve never done any kind of real cosplay before, so I’m really excited! Any PNW toasties going to Geek Girl Con?
Just finished them for the first time? Welcome!!
I have not been to GGC but it looks like so much fun. Are you for sure going?
Yep, for the first time! I actually had seen the movie before a long time ago when it first came out, but I hadn’t seen the series then so it didn’t really stick in my mind. I have definitely fallen down the Firefly Internet rabbit hole now…
I haven’t been before either, but I’m pumped! I’m definitely going.
You could rinse them really well before composting them or compost a can every other month? Do you have a dog? You could mix well rinsed beans with wet dog food. We've done that with canned peas and they slurped that mess up.
Amazing! This recipe and the fact that I have all of the ingredients. Thank you!
Me tooo I would be up for this. Lurky McLurkerson here. I'm in London. I never say anything. But I like the cut of y'alls jib. Keep me in the loop? Thanks!