1,202 Comments

  1. EPWordsnatcher +68

    Today was my last day at my current job! New job starts MONDAY. I will (presumably, hopefully, maybe) be busier with actual work stuff that I enjoy so I may not be around these parts as much! Possibly.

    New beginnings, right?

    3. smeesmeesmee +1

      I just finished City of Stairs, a new fantasy book that’s just come out – slow first few pages but then once the main character arrives on the scene I was really, really into it. Recommend!

    4. winterbymorning +2

      tbh that is my #1 worry about whatever job I’ll end up in after my contract here is up. This place has its faults, but it’s the perfect mix of a lot of downtime + boss who knows I have a lot of downtime and doesn’t care how I occupy myself when I have nothing to do. I will be quite sad if I move on to a place where I’ll actually be busy all the time and won’t be able to spend hours commenting on Toast posts.

      1. EPWordsnatcher +3

        I’m looking forward to being busy and occupied with fun, exciting work (I’m really hyped about this job! Something new and different!) but I’m gonna miss my Toastness.

    5. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

      Congratulations for new beginnings! I am sure it will be awesome, but we will miss you if you vanish, so don’t do that!

    6. deleted3602194 +5

      I’m so glad to see stories like this! Finally, finally doing stuff you love (in my case, degree) makes it feel like everyday’s just smiling on you. Even tough days, smiling like, you got this lady.

      1. EPWordsnatcher +2

        I don’t know yet whether it’ll be something I Love, but god, I just hope it’s not something I hate. (The current job started out with high hopes and got smashed because of awful work environment. Better luck this time?)

    7. elsamac +2

      Congratulations! don’t forget that even if you don’t have work-hour downtime for endless comment threads, Toastie Twitter is always there.

    1. Alli525 +4

      “Will they still receive their virgins if they’re killed by a woman?” is one of the greatest HAHA SUCK IT! questions I’ve maybe ever read.

  3. turanga_leela +44

    The Amazon recommendation algorithm has finally figured me out. It has given me “Lady Molly of Scotland Yard”. If you have not heard of this book here is the Amazon description: “From the author of The Scarlet Pimpernell, comes a series of 12 stories featuring one of literature’s first female detectives. Molly Robertson-Kirk a.k.a. Lady Molly shares the same mental prowess as C. Auguste Dupin and Sherlock Holmes but brings a woman’s wit to the table making for a formidable crime buster. Join her as she solves the crimes that plague the hills and highlands of Inverness, Scotland.”

    I have only read the first story and it was delightfully misandrist. What is everyone else reading now?

    1. Genevievenumba4 +6

      Well probably THAT, now. Lady Molly!

      I just finished In The Woods (Tana French), which came off the rails a bit at the end, and I’m partially through Affinity (Sarah Waters). I have a bunch more partials on deck, but nothing that’s seriously hooked me. (I am fickle.)

      1. kalat1979 +1

        I just finished In The Woods last week and I loved it but am also angry about it. Are you going to keep going with the series?

        1. Genevievenumba4 +3

          I’m trying to figure that out. I downloaded the sample for book #2 right away and…was not hooked. I think part of it is that my disappointment in book 1 wasn’t about [SPOILERS AHEAD] the fact that the big hooky cold case wasn’t resolved so much as it was about the characters sort of…devolving? Blurring, becoming less sharp and well observed as the personal drama reached its climax (though I thought that was skillfully interwoven with the case itself). There were a few shouty scenes where I cringed because it felt cliche and overwrought.

          And now I’m just kinda meh on the characters, and the next book hasn’t pulled me, so unless someone comes around and hits me upside the head saying “NO you must read this,” probably not.

          1. kalat1979 +2

            I was pretty surprised and angry {SPOILERS SPOILERS] that she chose to solve the less-compelling mystery. I accept that it’s her right as the author, etc., but it sucked. I kind of want to keep going because it was a interesting and well-paced book, but I hate feeling manipulated. As you said, having the characters fall apart in that book with an insufficient pay-off was disappointing.

          2. Genevievenumba4 +1

            [SPOOOOILLEEERS]

            Yeah, to open with the first disappearance, with those unique details–blood in the shoes!–and with the continued weirdo supernatural stuff, and then not to resolve it at all…that is a big risk. Like, I get why you’d make that choice, but then you have to pull it off, and I don’t think she did. Otoh, I think, considering she was like, “you know what? I’m not going to resolve the mystery that made everyone read my book in the first place, AND I’m going to have a super depressing ending with as many down beats as I can stuff into this sucker while ALSO turning my narrator into an unlikeable fuckwit”…I mean, that is zero fucks given, which I kind of like in a writer, because then you know anything can happen. If she’d managed to pull off all of that without turning the characters into teenagers, I mighta stuck with her. I might still go back; depends on the reviews of the latest, I guess.

          3. dakimel +2

            I am, to put it gently, a bigger fan of her later works. Consider jumping to Faithful Place and if you like it, go back to the second (there’s no real continuity issues), which will probably make you more interested in getting to know the detective without having to invest too heavily in the mystery.

            I don’t know. I find her books a little too outside the norm in some ways, but I love her sense of place, her writing is lovely, and I’m looking forward to the next book a good deal. But I’m still grumpy about the resolution (“resolution”) of Woods.

          4. Genevievenumba4 +3

            Sample downloaded! Thanks 🙂

            I find I keep turning over what felt wrong about Woods in my head, and I think I figured out why: it was the inconsistency. Like, she’d shown excellent judgment and restraint and pacing through out, and then all of a sudden it all fell to pieces, and everything lost credibility. Maybe she’s just not great at emotional drama? That, and [SPOILERS; HOW ARE YOU STILL READING THIS THREAD MYSTERY READER] the character motivations went to shit. Cassie never mentioned that the older daughter was probably a psychopath because she *didn’t think it was relevant*? Whaaaaaat the hell is that.

    2. magickly +6

      I am reading Belva Lockwood: The Woman Who Would Be President, which I haven’t gotten very far on yet but promises to be delightful.

      Also, I am 1/3rd of the way through a mystery called The Truth About The Harry Quebert Affair which turns out to have been written by a French-speaking author and yet the mystery is set in New Hampshire! Where characters have already asked each other to tea! and done other obviously-not-American things! Causing me to continue reading out of fascination.

      1. Bryn (Plus Others) +4

        Ooooh I love books like that, where there are those little glimpses of what people think our culture is like. Like the turkey episode of the Japanese Iron Chef. 🙂

    3. grandma_nancy +12

      I’m reading North and South for this month’s Billfold book club–anyone else? I had never heard of it and am enjoying it immensely.

      2. jenavira +6

        North and South is an utter delight, and the BBC adaptation is not only true to the book, it contains 200% more labor unions and eye candy. Sometimes at the same time.

    4. rallisaurus +4

      I just finished reading the graphic novel This One Summer and it was so beautiful and wonderful and end of summery.
      And I’m getting really excited for what I’ll read next Tuesday – AHP’s book!

    5. cait0716 +11

      I just started The Eyre Affair and I’m kind of mad at the main character for living in a universe in which Jane Eyre doesn’t marry Mr Rochester and for being upset about this ending. That’s the ending I wanted! Otherwise it’s good so far.

      1. OliviaPJones +5

        You just wait till you meet Bookworld Miss Havisham (not till the second book, though, sorry). She is basically my idol in all things.

    6. ct330 +5

      That DOES sound amazing. Adding it to my To Read list, along with Karen Abbott’s everything but ESPECIALLY American Rose because GYPSY ROSE LEE.

      I’m reading Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit, at long last! And I just finished Fun Home this week, which was amazing. I am so looking forward to going home, snuggling with the pup, and reading alllll weekend. And maybe baking an apple pie.

    7. cosmia +4

      I am SLOGGING through The Stranger Beside Me. I did not expect a book about a woman who was good friends with Ted Bundy to be this boring.

      After I finish this, I’m going to read Hayden Herrera’s biography of Frida Kahlo, and then I want to read The Reluctant Empress because I just listened to a great episode of Stuff You Missed in History Class about Empress Elisabeth of Austria and I would like to know more about this epic BAMF.

    8. thebellewitch +4

      I am reading The Birth House, which is about a WWI-era midwife in Nova Scotia clashing with a fancy new city doctor with his twilight sleep and his whatnot. It’s not bad so far, if a little on-the-nose.

    9. celery +4

      I’m finally reading Shattered Pillars, the second book in Elizabeth Bear’s Eternal Sky trilogy. Lovely non-European fantasy with many, many wonderful female characters. Just finished reading a viewpoint section from a female villain who uses the illusion of demure femininity to manipulate everyone while inwardly dwelling at length on how all men are weak and terrible. Immediately jumped to my favorite of the villains.

      2. Miss B +3

        “The Bread We Eat In Dreams”, by Catherynne M. Valente. I am rationing out the last few stories because I do not want there to be no stories left, but I am also very unhappy that this is a library book and I will need to give it back, so I am probably going to have to go buy a copy this weekend. (See also: Why using my local public library does little to keep my book-buying habits under any kind of reasonable control.) But seriously, everyone should read this book, because it is just lovely.

    10. SarcasticFringehead +4

      I just finished 1491, which has the distinction of being the first non-fiction, non-school related book I have read in at least a decade. I liked it a lot, but I’d love to hear about what other people think, because I am not An Historian.

      1. silverandsnow +1

        Also not An Historian, but when I read 1491 a couple years ago I thought “THIS is what the history books in school were missing!” I knew there had to be more to the story of the Americas before European conquest but I never thought it was civilization on such a grand scale. It also gave me a slight sense of vindication as a person with Native ancestry, who had only been taught the we-conquered-the-savages version of history 🙂

    11. Bryn (Plus Others) +5

      I am just starting on a 1960s anthology of short detective fiction which has a very snobby preface about what True Detective Fiction Is. But the guy who wrote the preface likes Sayers so we’ll see if his anthology is any good! There is a Chesterton story in it which is kind of comfort reading in some weird way.

    12. BobbieWickham +4

      I am finishing up “On Beauty” and I can’t tell if it’s good or not. What do yall think?

    13. hugpunch +2

      Sweet Christ that sounds amazing, and even more so because that’s my name, so I can be like, “Lady Me is rad.”

    14. BourneApprox +5

      That’s some good recommending work there Amazon. I just finished Robin Hobb’s new book, Fool’s Assassin, which was a really good return to form for her, albeit sometimes emotionally devastating in a way which borders on gratuitousness. It’s technically no longer summer, but I’m gonna keep on with my “Summer of Female SF/Fantasy Writers” and go read Ann Leckie’s Ancillary Justice. *Whispers* But not before reading a Dragon Age videogame tie-in book, because I have no shame don’t judge me (oh hey it’s written by a woman it counts ahaha).

      1. OliviaPJones +3

        I had some trouble adjusting to the gender pronouns and multiple viewpoint bits in Ancillary Justice, but when I settled in it was AMAZING.

    16. huntress wizard +6

      I finished Rose Under Fire last week (tonally very different from Code Name Verity but oh how I loved Roza!) and now am working too slowly on Sarah Waters’ The Paying Guests. I like what I’ve been able to read of it so far, but have had so little reading time this week.

    17. jenavira +1

      I adore The Scarlet Pimpernel, how did I not know about this? BRB downloading everything.

      I’m currently reading the Sandman Slim series by Richard Kadrey, which is great fun but very testosterone-driven, so Lady Molly will be the perfect antidote.

    18. Maryaed +1

      I’m reading All the Light We Cannot See which is intense but a bit formless. I am very interested in the characters but not sure I will be interested in the plot, in the end.

      1. dakimel +3

        Sounds like my reaction? But only tempered bc there’s one totally ugh stock villain you have to meet & deal with, which made me tetchy. But I was deeply into Marie-Loire (sp?) and her dad and his craftsmanship and radios and everything.

        It’s interesting how very well he created this sort of underwater fairy-tale type feel for characters in the midst of a horrific war, but who were often just focused on their own little worlds.

        1. Maryaed +1

          Underwater fairy-tale is a good way to put it: the writing is very dreamy. Sounds like you found it worth the finishing, anyway.

    19. deleted2997279 +3

      There are so many amazing sounding books in this thread I don’t even know where to start, i’m just screenshotting this all day long.

  4. grandma_nancy +142

    Dear bros, if you want a second date with me (which you should because I’m awesome), please don’t spend the first date telling me about how being a male feminist is sometimes so hard because women sometimes make GENERALIZATIONS about men and it hurts your poor feelings.

    Lol byeeeeee don’t let my creed arms hit you on your way out

      1. Vera_Knoop +26

        I used that image in a lecture this week, and it is the finest thing that I have done in my career so far.

    4. PomoFrannyGlass +8

      are you in Brooklyn? because I think I know that guy. (JK there are lots of those in Brooklyn)

  5. celtadri +3

    Guys, please tell me there is some sort of amazing thing to do in the Dallas/Ft Worth airport? I was supposed to fly in to Madison, WI for a wedding today & be there by 7pm, but because of some sort of craziness in Chicago (a fire at the FAA tower??) I’ve been re-routed with a long layover in Dallas. So my delightful dinner at Graze has turned into…airport hotdogs? I don’t know.

    On the plus side, soon I will experience a couple of days of mild FALL! Before returning to Arizona, and the 90 degree September heat.

    1. DoubtfulGuest +5

      Wine tasting! There is a little wine bar (I think it’s in terminal B?) that also has a nice cheese plate.

      2. celtadri +11

        I will look for her. I assume she will be identifiable by the warm glowing warming Toast Glow aura around her.

    3. socktantrum +3

      I know nothing about Dallas, but the weather in Madison is supposed to be gorgeous this weekend. I’d be sad to miss it but I’m on a weekend trip to NH where it’s similarly fall-gorgeous. Enjoy your trip!

    4. chickpeas +4

      There are TONS of restaurants at DFW, shopping, and as others have mentioned, plenty of space to sit and plenty of plugs for recharging. Also those airport spa thingies.

      I wish I could recommend to you the delightful tex-mex restaurant I ate at last time I was there, but I had several margaritas as well, so I cannot remember the name. But if you find that place, it’s good.

      There are a couple of airport apps that are pretty good — I use Gate Guru when I’m flying through an unfamiliar airport. It’ll tell you what’s available in terms of shopping and eating, with yelp-style reviews.

  6. deleted3602194 +33

    You know the roommate is cool if, on a night she’s drunk on apple schnapps and you’re drunk on an all-nighter, she still makes sure the prints on your duvet are on the right side when she tucks you in.

    And my gran voted no on the referendum.

    Also, would Mallory please food troll pumpkin spice latte?

    1. malloryelis +49

      uhhh I think the world has had enough critiques of that particular drink for the next thousand years

      2. deleted3602194 +8

        It has, indeed, but yours would be the only one I’ll take to heart (apart from mine, of course).

      3. LeastBittern +4

        Somehow I ended up swearing to post fun pumpkin facts every day of October as retribution for the pumpkin whining.

        So, um, if anyone has any good pumpkin facts?

        1. annesedney +8

          You can feed them milk to make them grow bigger! You cut little slits in the vine and place it in a dish of milk and they’ll soak it up.
          I have a coworker who grows those giant pumpkins and he does this.

    3. BobbieWickham +22

      I was at the movies with my roommate the other night and we saw the (kinda stupid looking) trailer for that new Jason Reitman movie Men, Women & Children

      And right afterwards we turned to each other and whispered “i wish there was an oxford comma in that title” at the same time. It was adorable.

  7. peytonopoly +20

    I worked out 3 times this week with increasing intensity, so I’m rewarding myself with an afternoon CUPCAKE. I’m so excited! So Toasties, how have you rewarded yourself this week?

    1. deleted1892326 +16

      For no reason at all I got a bunch of exciting socks including knee socks with foxes on them. 🙂

          2. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

            Those are adorable and I must get them!

            Does one really wear them on the outside of leggings like that? My fashion sense is kind of stuck in 1988 so I am so confused about clothes all the time.

    2. catweazlol +16

      I became an aunt this week so I’ve been rewarding myself by staring at my nephew’s tiny face a lot. But also tonight I plan to reward myself with a very classy dinner of pizza rolls and chardonnay.

    3. ramina +8

      The “Muffin Man” showed up to work this morning with three boxes of gourmet muffins, so I had myself a blueberry cheesecake muffin for breakfast after I decided that my seeds were not the best idea.

      It was incredible.

      1. safvn +6

        Wait, who is this mystical muffin man? A coworker, or an actual dude whose only job is to sell muffins?

        1. ramina +7

          None of the above, it seems! Rumor has it that he is a rep from a lab we don’t use very frequently and he shows up once every couple months or so with boxes of muffins for us.

      2. peytonopoly +5

        Gourmet muffins??? Amazing.

        We had leftovers from a going away party, so I got free lunch as well as my cupcake. This is an all around delicious day! Also, my boss returned a bit early from vacation today and said I did a great job while he was away. WOOHOO!

      3. the_lovecats +1

        Muffins are my very favourite food.
        Does anyone remember the mmmmmmmmmmuffins store?
        Maybe we should have a weekly muffin thread.
        Muffins!
        Does anyone have delicious easy muffin recipes? Mine are Always terrible.

    4. EdgarAllanPoBoy +8

      I have had a dumb week with dumb issues but I ….dumb… pulled through them, so tonight’s award is the After Dark event at the Art Institute Chicago! I have been meaning to go foreeeeeeeeever and I’m thrilled to wear my new sexy skirt and have a date night with the husband.

      1. PonyAlong +3

        That After Dark event sounds AMAZING! And I just simply adore your username, had to add that, it’s just so good. Sigh, now I miss city livin’…

        1. EdgarAllanPoBoy +4

          *blush* Thanks for the compliment. Looking for a profile image, I really wanted the depiction of Poe from the “Animaniacs” episode when the Warner Bros (and their sister Dot!) torture the poor man as he wrote “The Raven”. Alas, I couldn’t find it. Maybe I made up that episode? So, I have him in teddy bear form instead.

    5. m98widow +8

      I got up early this week to do Couch to 5k on Tuesday and Thursday and walked on the treadmill while playing Destiny on Wednesday so today I slept in (until all of 5:30) instead of getting up to exercise. Which sounds like a humblebrag but those extra 40 minutes (followed by passing out on the train for an hour) were pure bliss.

      1. winterbymorning +2

        I’m on week 2 of couch to 5k and really apprehensive about week 3. I can’t get through all 6 90-second running bits in the week 2 workout without extending the resting bits by a significant margin, so I have no clue how I’m supposed to manage running for 3 minutes in a row in week 3!

        1. thesecretherstory +7

          I am like 5 weeks further on in C25k than you, and it does get easier! I always find it helpful to think ‘even if I don’t manage to do the whole workout/ need an extra break, I’ve still done more exercise than I would have otherwise’ (which would have been 0, because I am a contented slug of laziness). Just commenting to make supportive noises!

          1. rhymeswitheight +9

            Yes!! The “some exercise, even if it’s slow and rough, is still more than no exercise” mindset has pushed me through many bad workouts. And it’s not even mental trickery, it is 100% TRUE.

        2. gentlehangovers +9

          When I did C25K I would do some of the weeks more than once – basically I would do a week until I could get through it without dying. I don’t know if that’s an Official Practice, but it worked pretty well!

          2. winterbymorning +1

            It’s not that I’m opposed to repeating weeks or am really gung-ho about finishing in the recommended 9 weeks. It’s that 9 weeks’ worth of intense cardio workouts are bad enough, so the thought of extending it by god knows how many extra weeks makes me want to give up on the whole thing.

        3. WanderingDancer +7

          It’s totally cool to repeat weeks until you can do them in a way that feels good for you. The point of C25k is to build up your endurance slowly enough that your body gets into the swing of running. If you just jump into the next week when your body is telling you that it’s not used to the week it’s on, you can get the issues that you do C25k to avoid (excessive soreness, mental distress from feeling like you’re not doing well enough, etc.) Treat the program like guidelines, not strict rules, and remember that it’s awesome that you’re running at all!

        4. m98widow +6

          My recommendations from the previous time I completed the program and the 4-5 times I haven’t is: repeat days you struggle with. You don’t have to do it on the plan’s timetable.

          Also? Run slow. So much slower than you think is even possible. My jogging pace might actually be slower than my walking pace.

          2. m98widow +2

            I walk reeeeeally fast and I jog reeeeallly slow. When I first started C25K I was (without realizing it) sprinting the running parts and running into trouble around week 3 or 4. When I slowed down to the point of feeling like I was barely moving, I was much better at making it through the running sections without needing a break, and then I ended up increasing my speed once my endurance was a bit better.

            I think I run somewhere in the realm of a 12 minute mile (which most fitness sites don’t even really count as “running”) but my natural walking pace is… rather brisk.

    6. Goomaly +8

      I’ve had over week’s success at my standing desk (completely McGuyvered from withdrawn books) so I skipped my jog this morning. Feet are tired!

    7. ct330 +9

      I rode my bike to work today, and rewarded myself with a toasted croissant with turkey and swiss and it was DELICIOUS.

    8. sednarea51 +5

      For getting to work on time 5 days in a row (I’m bribing myself to establish better habits), I went out and got myself coffee and a big-ass muffin with cherries and walnuts in it. ::aump aump aump::

    9. safvn +3

      I am having Mexican food and margaritas with my boyfriend tonight! And then either watching a movie with him or catching up on Thursday night TV, which there was a lot of.

    10. Bryn (Plus Others) +4

      On Monday we went to the pottery studio to book our daughter’s birthday party (oh hello panic) and I rewarded myself afterwards with a really lovely spinach strata and some overpriced delicious coffee.

      Then on Wednesday we finally dealt with our outstanding library issues in the town we used to live in ($27 in fines, and $30 in refunds… so hey we came out a few dollars ahead) and I tried to reward myself with a trip to our formerly-favourite-coffee-shop-hangout but their kitchen wasn’t open yet and the chai was not very good and the guys working there put on some kind of music which involved a lot of gunshots, so it did not go as planned and we left early. But at least I can say a fond farewell to all my entanglements in former-town!

      Today I am having a den of solitude in my bedroom while the cleaners do their very hard work in the rest of the house and addressing 30 birthday invitations so I can hand them out at 2.45 this afternoon and when I have done that I have no idea how I am going to reward myself but it will probably involve more food? Although maybe I will watch Sailor Moon Crystal instead. 🙂

      In short: FOOD

    11. rkfire +4

      Ever since my finger incident 24 days ago, I’ve been treating myself with delicious carbs and lots of sleep. It’s been a good month so far, on that front. Last night was some chicken soup (my husband is sick) and then I made some frozen pizza, which is one of my comfort foods.

      I haven’t been lifting or working out as much as I usually do because of my finger, so part of me is worrying about the short-term ramifications of this. ^^; The rest me figures this is fine though. 😀

    12. elsamac +9

      I haven’t rewarded myself this week, but you just persuaded me: I am going to buy those pajamas I want and throw out my sad ol’ pajamas. (I say “pajamas” but they’re really “work clothes” for the write-at-home crowd. No? Just me? That’s fine.)

    14. jenavira +2

      I moved this week (all week, pretty much every hour I was not sleeping or at work) and I am almost done so I am rewarding myself by getting Fancy Booze tonight on the way home and by spending my evening shift on the reference desk reading the Open Thread instead of doing work. (shhhhh)

    15. Ethylbenzene +3

      I went to my very first therapy appointment (it is technically my second but the first was a total disaster so I’m not counting it) so I went and got a massage afterwards! Self care!

    16. alicia +2

      I have been couch-surfing for a week while making demands for an exterminator from my landlady. I am buying myself a few nights at a nice hotel so I can sleep in and watch TV in crisp clean sheets.

  8. blunderbusst +24

    Bunnies!

    Our girl is getting HUGE! Look how magnificent she is. And can you see she’s starting to get gray color everywhere?

    She has outgrown her habitat. We can’t afford a new cage just yet, but we are getting a playpen this weekend so we can sit on the floor and play with her without worrying about the dogs trying to eat her.

    Also, she LOVES food. She almost took my arm off last night when I went to give her some lettuce. What do your bunnies eat?

    1. rubeseatsinfo +4

      i highly recommend making a bunny condo if your bun is fairly decent with litter box peeing. our amazon bun has one to allow her to get anti-social exercise: http://breyfamily.net/bunnycage.html

      my current girl loves bananas more than life itself, and herbs. she is meh on apples and carrots and dislikes lettuce. which is funny, because my previous bun loved apples so much he’d headbutt for them, and hated herbs.

      1. blunderbusst +3

        Hahahaha. Headbutting! Ok, so it’s normal for rabbits to be…assertive. Noted! (Little girl tried to fling herself out of the cage for a banana last week.)

        Those condo instructions: funny AND informative. Thanks for the tip!

      2. winterbymorning +4

        I made something like that and it ended up looking really messy within a year, because my rabbits shed a lot and the wires got covered in stray hairs that matted up over time and were impossible to clean thoroughly. 🙁 And then they would pee over the side of the litterbox and the pee would drip and soak into the stray hairs and… it was just pretty gross.

    2. annacperl +6

      Bernie loves apples!

      And carrots, obviously: he’ll snatch them from your hand and hop off with ’em to a Safe Nibbling Place. He’s also great at devouring wilted greens: cilantro, parsley, arugula, broccoli rabe. Makes me feel less wasteful.

    4. winterbymorning +3

      She is GORGEOUS! Are you planning to eventually get a second bunny to keep her company?

      My bunnies love basil and mint; I keep potted ones on the kitchen windowsill, and since they grow faster than I can use them in my cooking and basil likes to be pruned regularly I pick off a couple of leaves for the bunnies every day. They love raspberries and sunflower seeds and Brussels sprouts and raisins and chicory and dandelion greens and almonds and carrots (of course). Only one of them likes banana and they don’t like zucchini or cucumber peel or grapes at all.

      I got a food ball which I occasionally fill with dry fruit, sunflower seeds and rabbit pellets. They figured it out pretty fast and it’s really entertaining to watch them running around the apartment with the ball, frantically eating as they go.

      1. blunderbusst +7

        Gonna have to try that food ball thing…

        This bunny was an accident. A friend’s neighbor let her loose in their yard because they didn’t want her anymore. She hopped over to friend’s yard. Friend posted on the internet “Who wants a bunny?” Sister made a sarcastic comment like “Oh yeah, that would be great.” Friend calls sister to say, “When are you coming to get your fucking bunny?”

        When I came home that day, sister leads with, “Don’t be mad.”

        And now we have a bunny.

        Do you think she’ll be lonely? She likes to taunt our chihuahua by running in circles and hiding in her little hidey spot while he barks frantically and runs in circles. I can never tell who is winning this game.

        1. ljndawson +4

          Bunnies are happiest paired. I have not yet paired my bun, and I think she’s grown accustomed to being on her own (like Mallory). I would worry about another bun horning in on her territory.

          1. winterbymorning +6

            We got bunny #2 two years after getting bunny #1 and they took to each other immediately. They like to cuddle on the floor in a little fuzzy pile, and lick each other’s faces. It’s the cutest thing.

          3. rubeseatsinfo +2

            Yeah! My bun hates other rabbits. We tried to bond her but she really, really, really likes her space (or she really, really, really likes peeing on and punching other rabbits).

        2. rubeseatsinfo +1

          if you’re interested in getting her a friend, taking her in a carrier to meet buns at a local rabbit adoption center or humane society is the best option – so you can see who she wants as a sister. some buns really don’t like other buns, and sometimes they have a personality conflict (mine only likes cats, because she is difficult).

    6. spring chickens +2

      Mine looooves dandelion leaves. From the grocery store or hand-picked. Also kale. Also bananas and papaya.

      There is a company (Bunny Bytes) that makes pumpkin- and sweet potato-based cookies for rabbits, and he adores that too — when I take out the cookie bag, he often has to race madly in circles around me three or four times first before he is calm enough to hop in my lap and eat his cookie!

  9. deleted2997279 +25

    Toast Post Update! I have begun sending out matches! I would do more today but I left the flash drive with the matches on it at home in my rain boots from yesterday (don’t ask). I will work feverishly over the weekend to get them out to everyone but in the meantime, get your postcards and stamps at the ready!

    1. CaptainNancy +3

      OMG, I have had not one, not two, but THREE earlybird postcards arrive this week! They are the awesomest! The Toasties who sent them are the awesomest!

      YAY!!! So looking foward to sending my own =)

    2. ct330 +3

      YAAAAY I AM SO EXCITED!!

      One of my friends is doing Peace Corps in Zambia and I got a post card from here this week, and it filled me with glee! POST CAAARDS!

    3. PonyAlong +2

      SO EXCITED! Oh, oh, oh, what to do, what if my attempts are crap, FUCK…..(takes deep breath, gives head a good shake)….BACK TO EXCITED!

      1. deleted2997279 +5

        Your attempts are not crap! Crap is not a word in the Toast Post universe. They will be a delight, a joy, a pleasure – those are the only words Toast Post knows to describe attempts at Posting.

    5. newglasses +2

      Thank you! I was just worried I had missed it somehow, or messed up the signup form. I’m ready, with postcards and stamps. I am lazy, I am just going to use regular stamps, that way I only have to buy one set of stamps and not keep track.

    7. owlegg +1

      Jen P, you sent me a lovely Mona Lisa postcard from France back in August but didn’t include an address where I can write you back! Let’s figure this out so I can mail something back to you!

      1. deleted2997279 +1

        If Jen P. does not respond, email me at eberry227 at gmail and I will assist as best I can! Alternatively, Jen P., if you want to keep your Toast name private, also email me at the above and I will connect!

    9. Sea_Money +2

      YES! YAY! I can’t wait! I am so excited! I love mail! Thank you so much for working so hard! Do you care to explain why you were carrying your flash drive in your rain boots? Are you a spy?

      1. deleted2997279 +1

        A Toastie never reveals her secrets.

        Except in the open thread every week.

        (it’s a boring story – rain in the morning, not during evening commute, was running out of the office to catch my train, threw all the stuff on my desk into my rain boots, forget to get the flash drive when i got home. It’s probably hanging out in the right big toe area.)

  10. thisclimbingbean +29

    Wow, I’m actually awake to be on the first page of an Open Thread, and have nothing very exciting to say. Typical.

  11. bastardsnow +20

    The Good Wife came back this week and my wife and I are super excited because it’s essentially the best show on television at the moment – broadcast or cable, whatever. The show is on point week in and week out, and I love it.

    I am excited that television is coming back! And there are even 2 or 3 new shows that don’t look like they’ll be completely terrible! Toasties, what shows are excited for their return? What premieres are you looking forward to?

    Also I’m going to a baseball game tonight. Go Nats!

    1. smeesmeesmee +3

      I am really excited about the return of the Good Wife also, it is so great. I have no idea what premieres of new shows to watch though! Someone, tell me.

    2. catweazlol +7

      Definitely was excited that Sleepy Hollow came back this week. I could watch Abbie teach Ichabod different variations of the fistbump forever.

      1. cait0716 +3

        Yes, I’d almost forgotten how much I love Sleep Hollow. But it came back and now my Mondays are perfect. Well, my Monday evenings anyway

      3. rolotomassi5 +3

        Is it true that John Noble is going to be a regular? Because I miss seeing John Noble every week on TV. Walter Bishop was the best ever.

      4. Household_Opera +2

        I was very, very happy about the return of Sleepy Hollow. (Beheading! Sass! Fistbumps! Ichabod Crane’s ongoing struggles with modern technology!) And then absolutely crushed when I learned that the cast would be in the actual town of Sleepy Hollow today, and I couldn’t get out to see them.

      2. WanderingDancer +5

        I just started watching Outlander, and it’s absolutely glorious! The costumes! The accents! The female gaze forever! Plus, it’s reminded me of how much I love trad Scottish music; I’m actually listening to some right now, and it’s making an already lovely Friday even lovelier.

      3. Rianne +3

        Can we talk about Jamie’s sex faces?
        Because that was wonderful. This show is catering to the female gaze So Hard.

        1. thebellewitch +7

          Always here for a conversation about Jamie’s sex faces. Gotta say, to the extent one can convey meaning through sex faces, the actor really nailed (har har) the twin emotions of “oh my god wow” and “i have never had a blowjob before.”

          I would seriously like to know if there are other shows that have catered to the female gaze this enthusiastically. For … feminism reasons, of course.

          1. Rianne +2

            Yes, feminism. Feminist research.

            Also so much love for “Take off your shirt. I want to look at you.” Claire is a lady who knows what she likes and once the initial nerves are gone she has no problem with taking it.

      4. Rianne +1

        Jezebel just informed me that Outlander’s mid-season hiatus will last until April. Which is terrible and upsetting.

    5. meetapossum +4

      I’m excited for the new season of American Horror Story, even though I know it will probably end up being awful.

    6. coloredlights +3

      The Good Wife is the best. I love how they are so totally unafraid to change the game every single season. No wonder they’re getting so many amazing new cast members.

      I’m planning to watch the pilot of How to Get Away with Murder tonight and am pretty excited about it.

    7. celery +1

      Somehow I’m still excited about Once Upon a Time. It falls into cliché and stilted plots, and it’s blatantly money-grabbing with the Frozen tie-in…but I love all the characters SO MUCH.

      1. daisicles +3

        Person of Interest! I was so happy to kick back and watch the premiere this week. It deserves more attention. Lots more.

        1. Bryn (Plus Others) +2

          Ohhhh we love Person of Interest; we have only seen the first 2 seasons because I am cheap and waiting for the 3rd season to get discounted before buying the DVDs. But it is so good so far!

          1. daisicles +2

            Fair warning: I felt the writing got kinda wonky at the start of the 3rd season while they tried to figure out how exactly they were going to incorporate the new regular characters. But they eventually straightened it all out and it worked out to some really fantastic episodes later on in the season.

    9. thedaela +2

      So so so happy about the return of The Good Wife.

      Not a returning show, exactly, but the entirety of Bojack Horseman is dark and delightful on Netflix.

      Also not a returning show, but the Blu-Ray for Rick and Morty comes out 10/7.

      1. Rianne +2

        I was certain that Bojack Horseman would be terrible, because it is well known that I hate funny things.
        But it’s actually great.

      2. rolotomassi5 +1

        Multiple characters voiced by Paul F Tompkins is pretty much the best idea any animated show has had in ages. Mr. Peanutbutter is totally awesomesauce.

        1. thedaela +2

          *cheerful voice* “The universe is a cruel, uncaring void. The key to being happy isn’t the search for meaning. It’s to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense and eventually, you’ll be dead!”

    10. depizan +1

      I thought the premiere of Madam Secretary was pretty good. Was less impressed by How to Get a Way with Murder, disappointing since Viola Davis deserves an awesome show.

    13. Rianne +2

      This is the year that I shamelessly threw myself into reality television.
      Cutthroat Kitchen, Project Runway, America’s Next Top Model, Amazing Race…what else should I be watching? I prefer skill based TV vs. straight up drama, but I’m watching ANTM so clearly I’m not all that drama averse.

      Scandal!
      I have been reading the Outlander books since I was 16 and so the TV show is a delight and a treasure.
      Excited for all the superhero TV, Arrow and The Flash, and Agents of Shield. Gotham was as bad as I expected it to be but will probably watch it anyways.

      Bitterly disappointed that Orphan Black doesn’t start until the new year.

      1. WanderingDancer +1

        I’ve only seen one season, but Face Off is pretty cool. It’s a competition between special effects make up artists, and the technique to drama ratio was acceptably high for the season I saw.

      2. SarcasticFringehead +3

        I love Face Off. The stuff they make is really interesting to look at, and you don’t really need the judges’ interpretation to see what’s good & what’s not, so you can form your own opinions. Plus, the contestants are SO NICE to each other. When people are having trouble with something, somebody else will always wander over and give them a hand if they have time, and they compliment each others’ work, and there’s almost no personal sniping in the talking head interviews.

  12. anninyn +28

    FRIDAY CAT THREAD


    Look at those spoiled little shits. They got tuna loin as a treat today. TUNA LOIN.

    If you’re wondering why most pictures of Anne are her sitting or laying down, it’s because that is what she does with 90% of her time.

    2. jackalopeia +13

      I’m babysitting my sister’s cat this week. Her name is Kitty and it’s just stupid how cute she is. She’s a very old lady so this is pretty much what she does all day:

    3. projectbeks +2

      That top picture is exactly what I plan to look like tomorrow AM. Stretching, sleepy, and obnoxiously content. I love the Friday Cat Thread. <3

    4. wallofillusion +11

      Today I have a contribution to Friday Cat Thread! I don’t actually have a cat, but on my way to the bus stop this morning I met one. It was extremely affectionate and followed me all the way to the bus stop. I hope it continues to be alive. It did not show as much caution re: streets as I would hope a cat would show.

      Anyway it was hard to get a picture of, this is the best I’ve got:

      1. Abanthis +5

        I also know an overly friendly stranger cat! It is interesting because you can mark the exact limit of its territory by seeing where they stop winding round your feet and instead stand staring betrayed refusing to go one step further.

        < img src=”http://imgur.com/a/EyttM#a937MWl” >

        Fuck shit balls why isn’t my adorable photo working.

    5. nikkijhu +12

      They are cute! My cat also spends 90% of her time stretched out on our window seat. (Yes, after three decades on this planet, the universe has finally seen fit to place me in a dwelling with a goddamn window seat.)

      I spent a lot of time after I read your comment thinking about a tuna’s “loins.” Like if I were to put a loincloth on a tuna, where would I put it? etc.

    6. Kitling +12

      The week before last I posted a picture of Mistou’s brother Crayon and promised one of Mistou the week after but I did not deliver because I am terrible. Here he is, a week late so I give you one of them both together too!
      Mistou’s default expression is sulky:

      Why have you given me only four pillows? Do you not understand I have delicate fur?!

      Yes I was adorable as a kitten…

      …but I am MAGNIFICENT now

      PURRRRrrrrr

    7. funberries +1

      I’m so excited to participate in my first Friday Cat Thread! I hope I don’t screw it up!

      This is Gibson…

      …and Nopants…

      1. Kitling +5

        “I fit in here. I DO fit in here. Don’t you DARE suggest otherwise. I’m really comfortable, okay?!”

        Aaaaah! He looks like he’s wearing underpants in the photo! SO ADORABLE!

  13. blunderbusst +25

    I hate feeling like I only comment here when something’s wrong (or when bunnies), but I need your collective wisdom about a situation. I’ll try to be brief.

    (*Types long explanation of inciting incident. Deletes.*)

    Blunderboyfriend has a key to my house. Without my knowledge or permission, he’s been coming over in the mornings, when no one is home, to take a shower and get ready for work. While this by itself isn’t weird at all (he has intermittent water issues at his place, and it’s not unusual for him to ask to come over to use our shower), I had been noticing some weird things around the house and when I asked him if he was coming over, he initially lied.

    When I pressed him about it, he broke down, saying that he was sorry he lied, that he was really embarrassed, and that he had felt like he was “losing” me, and had just wanted to be in my room to feel close to me. He said he hadn’t wanted to confess it because it felt “really stalkery.”

    So, now what do I do?

    We’ve been together four years, and our recurring problem is something along the lines of: I am independent, he feels insecure, he gets needy, I get more independent, we fight, we fix it.

    I have been working really hard to give him the kind of attention he needs when he’s feeling insecure, and he’s been working really hard to give me the space that I need, and we’ve mostly been able to deal with this problem, or so I thought. Now it seems he’s been hiding his feelings from me, pretending everything was ok, and then doing this secret weirdness.

    Lying is a big deal to me. It raises all these questions like, “what else haven’t you been telling me?” But the actual behavior makes me feel weird too, because we had been going through this really great period of closeness, talking about the future, spending a lot of time together, and generally having a great time, all at precisely the same time that this weird thing was happening.

    Any insight you guys have would be, by me, appreciated.

    1. CaptainNancy +39

      No advice here, from my perspective that behaviour (coming into the house, using stuff and trying to hide the fact , including lying about it) is making me see serious red flags.

      You know you best, and I’m sure you will figure out what the best action is for you to take right now. Good luck sorting this out.

      1. blunderbusst +7

        Is any of this discussion helping you? Please share your own experience if you feel comfortable doing so and/or want insight that is more specific to you!

        1. Goomaly +4

          It was useful reading everyone else.

          I was in a ten-year marriage and divorced him due to his controlling behaviors. That and the sex was rape-y. (OH, THAT.)

          When I jumped ship I ended up living with a couple– married friends who invited me to stay in their spare room while I got back on my feet. Long story short, we are now a triple.

          The lady is sweet and introverted; the two of us are on pretty solid ground as far as relationship things go.

          I’m also an introvert, and a proud, capable, independent feminist killjoy.

          The gentleman is a massive extrovert, but his situation is such that he’s stuck home alone all the time. So when I get home he just talks my face off. I can deal with that. But he’s also needy in a way I have trouble seeing until it’s too late and I’ve brushed him off without necessarily meaning to. For such a big talker, he doesn’t know how to say a lot of things, like, “I miss you let’s talk”. (To be fair, I could be more explicit in things like “give me ten minutes to finish this, and then we can chat”)

          He’s also got an anxiety problem that he won’t admit to. (To say nothing of any PTSD from a few marine corp tours.)

          Then there’s MY anxiety issues, which I am finally getting under control.

          And he’s insecure. On the Open Thread a few weeks ago I asked about an issue, and I was kindof vague, but what happened was: I said to my lovers I was going to an event in town and I’d be back after dinner. He completely freaked out and said that if I wanted to go somewhere without him and the lady, that was literally the first step of breaking up. Over and over he said this, and while I was pretty sure I wasn’t planning on breaking up with them (that’s sarcasm), he was so freaked out that I finally just gave up. So I spent a year afraid of going anywhere or doing anything because it was going to result in this big YOU’RE BREAKING UP WITH US blowout.

          Not. Cool. And to top it all off, he doesn’t even remember saying all this. (See why I think he has an anxiety problem?)

          It’s getting to the point where I want to tell him I really need him to 1) go to therapy and 2) get some outlet in his life where he can be a raging extrovert. But any time I mention he might want to consider something like this, he takes it very personally.

          How do I approach this with him? I really need him to do SOMETHING. He has refused so far. I feel kindof awkward about giving an ultimatum, but maybe that time has come?

          1. blunderbusst +2

            (OH, THAT. Congratulations on getting out of that situation, by the way. If “congratulations” is even the right word.)

            I was once involved with a couple and this seems familiar.

            Going out to a social event without a romantic partner is a pretty ordinary thing to do in life. His strong (and misplaced?) reaction to it is likely a sign of some underlying thing (anxiety, abandonment issues, a need to control, a million other things I don’t know about because I’m not a doctor). Your desire to not have to deal with that reaction is completely reasonable.

            You can ask for what you want without it being an ultimatum. Something along the lines of “I feel afraid/sad/angry about how this interaction happened/keeps happening, and I would like to fix it so we can both have our needs met.” I don’t think you’re supposed to say to someone, “I need you to go to therapy,” but apparently I once did that to Mr. Busst* and he eventually was grateful for the push.

            Anyway, if you’re unhappy with any of your relationships, it’s ok to say something and offer a solution to make it work. I don’t know the dynamics of your relationships, but is this something you can talk to the lady about? Not conspiratorially, but seek her counsel? She might be able to offer some assistance, having known him longer.

            *I remember saying, “You have emotional needs that I don’t know how to meet or handle. Do you think going back to therapy might help you navigate this stuff?” He remembers me saying “Go back to therapy or I’ll dump you.” That was three years ago, and he went back to therapy, so that’s a good thing, even if we remember the stories differently.

          2. Goomaly +1

            Thanks for inviting me to hijack your thread 😀

            And thanks for the feedback, super useful. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this since the whole relationship is 99 percent in the closet.

          3. blunderbusst +1

            Pfffft. No problem. If someone else is getting help because I needed help, then I am helping too! Yay help! Also, then I feel I have repaid a portion of my karmic help debt.

            Talk about whatever you need. The secrecy in that kind of romantic situation can make even the smallest problems seem So Much More Heavy. And this isn’t a small thing.

    3. anninyn +43

      That behaviour wouldn’t be OK with me. You’re the only person who can decide if it’s a red flag or just an aberration in the behaviour of a normally-respectful dude.

      I will say that if his insecurity is getting this severe it may be worth suggesting some kind of therapy for him – it’s not something YOU can fix, or something that you have a duty to fix. It’s him, and it’s especially so if it’s leading him to behave in not-ok ways.

      I trust you, and respect you, and I think you’ll know what’s best for you.

      1. blunderbusst +15

        That was incredibly kind of you: thank you.

        He does therapy, and to his credit, he made an emergency appointment yesterday. I think he knows he crossed a line and he’s having all the feels about it. Re: therapy: he has some issues, and he has been working through them, and we have been working through the things we can work through together. This feels like one of those backsliding episodes, where you work really hard for a while and then take a few huge steps backwards. I have never been in therapy myself, but I understand this to be a common thing (and my own struggles with nicotine dependence and eating right have followed this pattern too).

        I don’t necessarily feel like it’s my job to fix him, but I love him and most of the time we’re really good together, so I would like to see if we can repair the damage and move forward together.

        1. elsamac +31

          It’s troubling that he lied at all, and more troubling still that he lied to cover up his transgressions in an emotional area—”more space”—where you’ve specifically negotiated boundaries. This would be a giant big deal to me. You get to decide how big a deal it is to you.

          He does therapy, and to his credit, he made an emergency appointment yesterday.

          This is a good sign, if you’re looking for a good sign. It isn’t a get-out-of-weird free card for him, but it does indicate that he knows this is problem behavior that he needs to stop. If he’s not trying to excuse or minimize the intrusion and dishonesty, that’s another good sign.

          But here’s the bottom line: you don’t have to be looking for a good sign. You are allowed to have this be a boundary he can’t uncross if you want to. Or you can decide that, for you, this requires some work on his part. You get to decide that and no one else gets to second-guess you.

          In your shoes, I would at least have him hand back his key: In my world, when a person transgresses boundaries, they are temporarily denied the tools that would make it easy to continue. And I would think about changing that lock, because that’s the usual protocol when someone who has a key has proven that they aren’t entirely trustworthy with it. (Geez, I’ve rephrased that several times, but it always sounds harsh. I guess it is harsh, but it’s how I feel. Keys are a big deal in Emily-world.)

          1. blunderbusst +7

            Hahahaha “get-out-of-weird free.” For reals.

            Reading rubeseatsinfo’s take on what it is like to be the person with abandonment issues has been so helpful in confirming for me that it’s ok NOT to be too freaked out here. And while I do think the overall situation is weird, it’s encouraging to me to see that BF knows it’s weird, isn’t trying to excuse or minimize anything, and sought help immediately. That’s such a stark contrast to the boundary-violating behavior we’ve seen in other people that I’m happy to see it as a step in the right direction.

            I also want to keep saying here that people’s strong “oh no no no no no” reactions here are absolutely valid and I will be keeping them in mind if more weirdness surfaces. It is instructive to have this discussion to gauge whether I am being naive or truly unphased about the being-in-my-house part of the weirdness.

    4. ksek +15

      I’m not going to be all “red flag red flag dump him dump him!” But, if I were in a similar situation (and I’m also a pretty independent lady), I would probably be out of there. Almost every break up I ever initiated was some variant of “dude is too clingly,” though, so take that for what it’s worth, I guess?

      But anyway, the combo of the lying, the seeming trend of not feeling loved enough, and then fight-and-fix-it cycle seems like it might not be heading in the greatest direction. I guess it comes down to how much emotional energy you feel like giving up for the sake of the relationship.

      1. blunderbusst +7

        You and I have the same pattern! Breaking that pattern has been important to me, so even when I feel like “dude is too clingy,” I have looked for ways to push past that resistance. For the most part, this was the right choice for me, as it opened up an avenue of closeness that I had been cutting off, and I really really like this one, so I thought I would give it my all as far as making it work (instead of jumping ship when I couldn’t have my way all day every day — being challenged is nice, you know?).

        I’m curious about your experiences with independence vs commitment. I’m not always sure how much of myself to give (like, how much of my independence is just me being an asshole).

        1. viviennestreet +17

          Hahaha. This is why I don’t date–I’m like one of those cats who only wants attention on her terms, and disappears to places unknown the rest of the time. But recently I’ve been thinking I should give relationships a try in order to challenge myself, get out of the apartment more, and be a little less lonersome. I also totally identify with the independent vs asshole thing.

          Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

          1. Miss B +5

            God, so much of why I don’t date, either. Mostly I just don’t like capital-R Relationships, and I don’t do monogamy. But really…I want to spend most of my time alone, and I don’t want obligations flowing in either direction. It’s very difficult to have any kind of “relationship” with those parameters that isn’t just, like, casual sex. (I’m not too into random one-off sex with strangers, either. Generally speaking. There are exceptions.) My autonomy and privacy and solitude are pretty much the most important things to me/in my life, though, and I have learned that I am willing to let just about anything go if it means preserving them. (I don’t actually feel like this is anything I need or want to change, though. Just that it makes sex/romance/sometimes-even-friendship complicated a lot of the time.)

        3. ksek +11

          I was lucky enough that I never came to a real commitment crisis. My breakups were all with people who, regardless of clinginess, weren’t going to be a long-term match, so their endings didn’t lead me to stress. And then five years ago I met an independent guy (more of an introvert, wasn’t even actively looking to date anyone at the time, had then only recently decided that “maybe he could see himself getting married someday”), and last year we got married. We were also living 3 hours apart until last year, so just the fact that we were able to do the semi-LDR thing with few problems was an pretty good sign that we were a good match.

          So unfortunately, I don’t have much advice for you on that front. BUT it is a sign that there are guys out there all over the together-constantly/leave-me-alone spectrum. You might not find someone that’s an exact match on the scale (I’m somehow a bit more needy than my husband), but there’s no need to torture yourself with guys who take large amounts of effort just to meet halfway.

          1. blunderbusst +12

            “Large amounts of effort just to meet halfway” — there are certainly days when it feels like that and I do indeed want to take to the sea.

            There are other days when I feel we are very well in sync, where he “gets” me and where he is meeting all my needs in the way I want them to be met. Those are the days when I don’t mind putting in a little extra effort to get to halfway. I know he’s working his ass off, too. Maybe it’s not supposed to be that hard. But whenever I find myself saying “should” or “supposed to,” I try to remind myself that it’s my life and I’m the only one who makes the rules for me.

            That said, your husband sounds lovely, and I would like to sincerely high-five you for finding your match.

      2. Maryaed +3

        I’m usually the clingy one who wants less space, and my SO secretly coming into my house when I wasn’t there, let alone lying about it would freak me the hell out. For what that’s worth.

        “The locked door of my house” is a pretty clear boundary. Non-resident SOs have a key for cases of need and convenience, not because it’s their space to do with what they wish.

    5. magickly +13

      This is hard. I don’t know that there is anything your “we” can do. He needs to take responsibility and resolve to be truthful. To do that, he needs to figure out why he lies and deal with that. I don’t know that this is your responsibility until he figures out his why, and may not even be your responsibility after that, depending upon what the reason is.

      1. safvn +4

        Second this. I think there is some stuff you can do in that if he does need a partner to talk through this stuff with, you can listen, or – better yet, as someone else suggested – help him find a therapist or reliable friend. But these are his issues, and he needs to work through them. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

    6. Genevievenumba4 +21

      Holy fucking boundaries.

      I…oh man. I am hesitant to contribute because I feel like I don’t have anything good to tell you, and I can’t tell if that’s because of my own issues/history or if this is really as bad as it seems to me on first glance. I mean, obviously I don’t (and can’t) know the totality of your relationship, and I know there are reasons you’ve been together for four years. But the combination of entitlement and lack of respect for boundaries and lying would…

      I mean. I would lose it. I think I would feel pretty violated, and there’s very little chance I would trust this person. BUT I am very prickly about this stuff, and then lying, too, is a thing (not that I don’t understand that everyone does it, but in some circumstances it makes me lose respect for the person doing it), and…

      Yeah. I’m hoping other people have more helpful contributions, but I want to say that I think you have every right to feel weird/angry/bad about this. And I want to ask — is this the first time something like this has happened? In my experience people who don’t respect one boundary often don’t respect others, and if this is pattern, that seems like a different kettle of fish than if it’s a one off.

      1. blunderbusst +17

        I’m with you: I know people lie, but I really do everything I can to be honest and truthful and forthright as much as possible, and it’s so important to me that the people close to me do the same. I can handle just about anything if people are honest about it. When people lie it just…shakes the foundation of the relationship. I hate that feeling of not being able to trust anything that comes out of a person’s face.

        With that in mind, unless there is a whole pattern of secret weird behavior that I don’t know, this is the first time anything like this has happened. (I have long suspected that he lies about little stuff for no reason, and that always seemed like a maturity thing to me: I didn’t care so much about being truthful until I got older, and he’s 10 years younger then I am, so there’s plenty of time to develop that habit/skill.) But as far as I know, this is the first time that he’s come to my house without telling me.

        I gave him a key three years ago, though, so who knows what he’s been doing in that time.

        Whenever it’s come up that he needed something from the house, or felt lonely in the middle of the night, I have reiterated, “I gave you a key for a reason,” so I think there is a little room for interpretation. Again, it’s totally not weird to be like, “Oh I needed to shower because the water’s out at my house and I forgot to tell you” and a totally different thing to be like, “I have been secretly getting ready for work at your house every day because I didn’t feel connected to you.”

        For me it’s less of a boundary issue (“I gave you a key for a reason”) and more of a “Why couldn’t you tell me that you were feeling not connected to me? And when you realized you were doing something weird to make yourself feel better about it, why didn’t you tell me? And then why did you lie about it?”

        This is a conversation we’re going to have this weekend. Thank you (and everyone) for helping me sort out my feelings so I can talk to him about it.

        1. Genevievenumba4 +6

          The lying about little things drives me up a wall, but again, I think that’s because of my own experiences. The person who did/does that in my life does it out of profound insecurity–she can’t separate “I don’t like this thing that you did” from “I don’t like you,” so she just lies about the things that she does as soon as it comes up, to the point where she doesn’t even notice she’s doing it anymore. That is probably a more extreme example (and goes a long way towards explaining why my initial reaction was “OH GOD NO”), but if he’s afraid of losing you… Yeah. I can see something similar happening.

          I’m glad he’s in therapy, and I’m glad you are approaching this in such a calm, non-reactive way. I hope you guys can move forward together.

          1. blunderbusst +4

            You might be on to something, there! Without going into a loooooooooooong and unsolicited listing of Minor Things About Which I Suspect My Beloved Has Been Less Than Truthful, just: yes. Insecurity, and not being able to handle another person’s reaction to something. That’s a thing for a professional to address. Your example isn’t that extreme at all.

          2. Goomaly +8

            she can’t separate “I don’t like this thing that you did” from “I don’t like you”

            Ah shit. My bf is like this.

          3. blunderbusst +2

            So, you’re probably right in that your BF would benefit from therapy. This seems like a reaction that therapy could help a person redirect.

    7. logicbutton +44

      If you’ve been willing to accommodate his insecurity, he needs to be willing to accommodate your feelings with regard to boundaries.

    8. momoulton22 +12

      This sounds like a case where couples’ therapy might be helpful. I feel like a good (or even decent!) therapist can be very useful when you’re at the point of being able to say, ok, we’ve got this pattern, here’s where we keep ditching into the bad stuff, help us figure out how to get back to the place we both like.

      You describe the problem as “our recurring problem is something along the lines of: I am independent, he feels insecure, he gets needy, I get more independent, we fight, we fix it.” But it sounds like this episode was more this variation: “am independent, he feels insecure, he gets needy, he does a seriously uncool coping thing and feels better, it feels like everything is ok but there’s this problematic behavior lurking in the background.”

      A good couples’ therapist should also be able to help you break up, if it turns out that he can’t address this behavior and/or you need to get out of this relationship.

      1. blunderbusst +11

        Yes! I want to suggest this, but the last time I did, it made him really sad (his mom and stepdad got divorced — twice — after couples therapy, so for him it is a portent of BAD things to come, even though he has a healthy relationship with his own therapist). Pretty sure I am going to insist on it, though: we need a moderator to help me make sense of it, and also to help me believe his words, since right now I feel like everything is a lie (that’s a normal irrational reaction, right?).

        I’ve never looked for a therapist before. How do we find one? The search for one who works seems…hard and scary.

        Is it weird that I am not reacting like “let’s break up right now?” Like, am I missing some pattern or trigger-y thing here? My history is mostly healthy relationships, my parents were married for almost 40 years (until one of them died), no abuse or assault, fairly self-aware, blah blah blah. Am I missing something huge here?

        1. thebellewitch +8

          I don’t have good advice on finding a therapist, but wanted to weigh in to say that from what you’ve written here, you don’t seem to be missing anything super-scary — you clearly know your own mind and needs and aren’t sweeping things under the rug!

          Maybe keep an eye out for that continual fight/fix-it cycle over the same issue, though. I think the longer a relationship is, the more people sometimes try to stick together for the sake of all the time and effort, you know? I’m not saying that’s where you are, but it’s something to keep in mind as you move forward. It’s possible you need someone who wants to give you space and he needs someone who wants a partner glued to him.

        2. elsamac +21

          it made him really sad

          “It made him really sad” is not a reason for him to avoid counseling about this. I get it, and I would be pretty soft-hearted about suggesting something that made my own partner feel sad and anxious, but WHOA his parents’ experience with counseling—and the childhood association that established for him that counseling = break-up— is not a rational reason for him to avoid it.

          1. blunderbusst +3

            I only mention that he reacted with sadness because it makes it just a little bit harder to bring it up again. He does therapy on his own, though, so he isn’t resistant to it. Just… the very thing of it triggers the same abandonment stuff from his parents, you know? Tricky territory.

          2. Es_Petal +1

            Could you perhaps suggest going to his therapist with him to chat about it? Might be less threatening to him?

          3. blunderbusst +1

            I have thought about that! It seems like that might be a violation of that safe space though? How do people with therapists feel about that?

          4. momoulton22 +2

            On finding a therapist… I had a good experience asking my own therapist for recommendations. Maybe he can talk to his therapist about this? It might help him realize that this situation is not the same as his parents’. I also feel like this is a situation where a friend-recommendation is ok. I think it’s good to talk beforehand about what you want the agenda to be, and what you’re looking for in a therapist; you might need to visit a few before you find someone you feel good about.

            I have the same safe-space feeling about individual therapy, so I wouldn’t go that route, personally. And an individual therapist *cannot* double as a couples therapist (for the same person), for sure.

            I don’t think you’re missing anything here. It’s a big deal, and it’s right to treat it like a big deal. But any couple together for a long time will need to work through some big-deal stuff, you know?

          5. blunderbusst +1

            Yeah, my instinct is immediately like “Let’s get your therapist to recommend someone for us!”

            Unless it was his idea. Something like, “I talked to my therapist about this, and we agreed it could be helpful for you to come to one or two of my sessions to talk through this.” That happens sometimes, right? (My sister was in therapy for 15 minutes a thousand years ago, and the therapist wanted to meet all of us.)

          6. thedaela +6

            You are *absolutely* not obligated to answer this question, but I was thinking…

            Is your role in the relationship to be his emotional caretaker?

            And by that I mean, do you feel like it’s partially your responsibility to keep him happy or protect him from sadness? Do you tend to think that as the more emotionally stable one, it’s your job to not make a big deal about things? Do you feel like you accidentally hurt his feelings or trigger his fears or step on his toes a lot?

            If that seems familiar, I’d say that’s a problem dynamic that needs to be worked out, stat.

          7. blunderbusst +2

            Those are really good questions. And my answer is… maybe?

            I tend towards helping in most aspects of life. I would not classify that as my job or responsibility so much as a personality trait. I have noticed that the desire to help trends towards not-actual-helpfulness at times, and I’m learning to step back / say no / butt out when people don’t ask for help or counsel. That’s going to be a lifelong learning curve for me, probably.

            As the more emotionally stable one, I feel like i have the option to not make a big deal about things. And since yes, I do feel like I can accidentally hurt his feelings or trigger his fears, I will sometimes ask myself, “Is this really a big deal? Can I get over this without making a thing out of it?” and if the answer is yes, then I will let it go.

            So, problem dynamic? And if yes, working it out on my own or in a couple scenario?

          8. QueenofPickles +5

            Is your role in the relationship to be his emotional caretaker?
            And by that I mean, do you feel like it’s partially your responsibility to keep him happy or protect him from sadness? Do you tend to think that as the more emotionally stable one, it’s your job to not make a big deal about things?

            Chills down my spine. That is the place I lived until three years ago, and I still have relapses. It takes so much ENERGY.

    9. rubeseatsinfo +27

      I often like to deal with differing needs that lead to conflict/issues like this with the following phrases:

      What do you need to feel better?
      What does he need to feel better and prevent the behaviour from happening again?
      Can you give each other these things?
      Can an acceptable compromise be attempted with a promise to revisit how this solution is working in X days?

      1. christoncracker +11

        I need you on-call to organize my emotions! I’m extremely sensitive but also overly practical so I very much like emotion-sorting lists!

      2. blunderbusst +5

        Oh, how do I bookmark a comment so I can just refer to this constantly over the next little while…

        Are you a therapist? Because this approach seems…therapeutic (in a good way).

        1. rubeseatsinfo +8

          No, I am not a therapist, but I have been through a lot of therapy! And needed to do a LOT of work in the area of interpersonal effectiveness, because I had abandonment issues and overwhelming emotions and no good role models in those areas. I did a lot of DBT, and have my lists like that for support in moments of crisis.

          Honestly, I’m the Mr. Blunderbusst in a lot of situations. I’m needy and frightened and crave reassurance and one-on-one time and have natural coping mechanisms that can be unhealthy. But I’ve learned to be a lot better about things, and I’ve been lucky to have a partner really committed to checking in with my needs once a month, and really committed to encouraging me to verbalize what I need to emotionally feel better (“I want you to have fun going out to ___, but I need to have a night this week just for cuddles/bbc time together to help me get through feeling anxious about it”). I try to do the same for him (“We’ve been home a lot together. Do you need me to go hang out at the library for a couple hours this Saturday?”)

          For us, that continuous negotiation and occasional backslide on one of our parts is part of the ongoing maintenance of our relationship, but that’s okay because we both love our relationship outside the backslide moments. And this stuff does get better and better as you work on it (and as partners like me feel more secure that we aren’t “too difficult” or whatever).

          1. blunderbusst +5

            You just described our relationship exactly, including all the continuous negotiations and backsliding! We do that same thing, though we try to attend to it a little more often right now. For example, I get a weekly alone night that is mine, no questions. And I am committed to a weekly sleepover that includes plenty of snuggling with no timeframe. Fortunately, we both need these things for ourselves, too, so usually it works out.

            (Obv not right now, but sometimes we’re better at it than other times.)

            Are you actually my boyfriend? Seriously, though, your description of your own issues is quite similar. I would like to commend you on the hard hard work you have done, because I know from this secondhand experience just how much work can go into it. That shit is hard. And you’re doing great. *hugs*

          2. rubeseatsinfo +5

            Hugs to you too, even though I’m not your boyfriend, because I know it’s way hard balancing your own needs and trying to help someone who’s learning how to handle themselves emotionally.

            Weathering this stuff does make you more and more confident each time you need to roll up your sleeves and work – we’ve made oodles and oodles of progress after each slide or mess up, and each mess up gets easier to fix, and being able to recognize that makes it easier to tackle problems without the “NONE OF MY PROGRESS MEANS ANYTHING AHHH I AM DOOMED” freakout.

          3. blunderbusst +5

            For sure. It always makes me so sad when we’re having a tough discussion and I bring up something I’d like him to work on and he says “I thought I was doing really well with that.” Yes, yes you are! Which is why I thought we could try a harder version of it! Don’t be sad now! No, don’t shut down! Shit.

            At least we can laugh about it when we’re not in the middle of it. I look forward to the day we can laugh about the time we solved the Shower Bandit Mystery.

          4. rubeseatsinfo +6

            For sure! And you can try even pre-stating things, if it helps. “I’ve been proud of how much better we’ve gotten at ___. Do you feel the same? Can we try ___ to get even better? What can I do to help?”

    10. thedaela +12

      (Remember that you can always take to the sea.)

      But seriously I’d kind of love to see Mallory tackle this one.

    11. literarysara +11

      Wow! The first question that comes to mind is, Do you still feel okay with him having your key, knowing that this has been going on?
      My second question is, If you asked for your key back, how would that go?

      Or maybe I have the questions ordered backwards, because I suppose I can understand both answers “yes” and “no” to my first question, but really the only answer to the second question that would allow the relationship to stabilize is “Regardless of his own feelings, he returns your key and demonstrates empathy with and respect for your decision.” So maybe that one takes priority.

      1. blunderbusst +9

        He offered it back to me, even before he completely confessed.

        (There were stages of lying, which is how I knew he was lying:
        1. Oh yeah, I did shower over there a few times this week. I thought we talked about it. Sorry.
        2. Um, yeah, I guess I have gone over there a few times without mentioning it to you. I thought that was ok. I misunderstood what the key was for. Sorry. I’ll get better about checking with you ahead of time. *offers to return key*
        3. Total heartbreaking confession and massive apologies.)

        Anyway, he offered to return the key. To me, that felt like a huge line that I wasn’t ready to cross, so I declined his offer and asked him to instead be more communicative about his need to use it. I don’t have any issues with him continuing to have it, even if the behavior doesn’t stop: now that I know it’s happening, it isn’t a mystery and I don’t feel violated. If that changes as we continue to work through the issue(s), he ‘ll give it back. He’ll feel sad, but he won’t be disrespectful or angry about it. And his sadness is more disappointment in himself than being upset with me for reacting to his actions.

        Sooooo…how’s that answer to your priority-one question?

        2. literarysara +8

          Perplexing! You don’t have any issues about him having it? You don’t feel violated? Or, you did before, but since he reluctantly confessed to an extended period of continually doing something he knew was kind of dodgy and hiding it from you which made it dodgier, those feelings are gone and left no residue? I am not sure I understand how to make those distinctions.

          I am sorry you didn’t keep the key when he offered it to you. It’s an interesting gesture: it seems a little too on the nose to be real, like “I don’t deserve this” when obviously he did at one point feel that he deserved to have and use it beyond reasonable expectations. But whatever his reasons, if you had it then it would be yours to give again or not.

          1. rubeseatsinfo +2

            I’m getting the impression (correct me if I’m wrong) that the issue is not really being over there without mentioning it. It’s that he lied about it when asked.

          2. blunderbusst +6

            Issue 1: Lied when asked.
            Issue 2: Needed something that he felt he couldn’t ask for and then engaged in weird behavior to cope (the how/why/where of the weird behavior isn’t as important to me as much as the secret part — he could’ve been secretly vandalizing street signs or watching the same episode of “I Love Lucy” over and over again and I would feel the same sense of hurt and confusion that he didn’t share his needs with me).

          3. Alli525 +5

            I think that’s an important distinction to make with him! I would explain Issue 2 to him exactly like you just wrote it – I wonder if the fact that “her home is sacred and I violated that AND I lied to her omg omg” is adding anxiety on top of anxiety.

          4. blunderbusst +2

            Oooooooooooooh. I don’t think you’re wrong. He’s probably being WAY harder on himself about it right now than I am.

          5. blunderbusst +5

            Yep, there’s more about the lack of feeling violated below in the discussion with hurdyburdy and elsewhere in this thread, but I am not feeling particularly violated by the weird behavior.

            I do have (slight) reservations about him having it, but I wasn’t prepared to parse out my feelings about it at the time. In the moment, I wanted to preserve as much trust and safety as I could so we could work through this. It seemed punitive to take it back, and it isn’t something I need to feel better, at least right now.

            My slight reservations about it are along the lines of “If the temptation to do weird behavior is too strong, then having the key is probably not healthy for him” and that is trumped by my feeling of “How do I let someone earn my trust back without giving them an avenue for being trustworthy.”

            This is the sort of thing I feel like a therapist could help me out with.

            To be clear, I have plenty of weird feelings and emotional residue, but his having or not having a key doesn’t change any of that stuff. And what taking the key back costs ME more (to myself) than I was willing to spend in that moment.

            I feel completely ok about requesting it back at any time in the future if this changes, though.

          6. elsamac +5

            It sounds like you’re doing an admirable job balancing your affection for him with your sense of what you need. I’m pretty knocked out by it, in fact.

          7. blunderbusst +1

            Wow. Thank you.

            Never sure when I’m being a decent human or a naive pollyanna. You always have such smart, funny, helpful things to say, so your comment means a lot.

        3. rubeseatsinfo +9

          This could be totally wrong, but I thought I’d offer some perspective here, because this exchange above is massively familiar to me.

          I’m the kind of person whose natural impulse is to lie when I sense someone becoming upset. There’s a lot of reasons for it (namely, a lot of yelling and not-letting-things-go, and abandonment, and a deep unfamiliarity with people being forgiving). I so desperately fear people I love disappearing on me that I panic and think “they seem mildly put out that I did this thing, I should’ve known this would happen, I am literally a monster and they will never love me again” and start flailing around like a buttface.This is far from habitual, but the more important you are to me the more difficult it is (emotionally) to stop myself.

          Now this is something I’ve gotten WAY better at, but it took a lot of work and practicing and ALSO a lot of reassurance from my partner that barring our discussed Big Huge Dealbreakers, he wasn’t going anywhere even if he was mad at me for a while. And that I would get a chance to find out what I needed to do to fix things.

          This whole exchange sounds like exactly what happened when we had our fight about this kind of thing, and we had a lot of talks about why I respond that way and established ways to help make it easier for me to communicate when I felt guilty AND easier for him to express anger without triggering fearful avoidance. And it’s been working really well.

          1. blunderbusst +6

            “…and abandonment, and a deep unfamiliarity with people being forgiving.” Jesus god yes. You are describing him exactly. And for me, a person with healthy self-esteem, no parental issues, and plenty of experience with grace, forgiveness, and straight up getting over shit, I sometimes have a hard time understanding him. We have been doing this same reassurance dance for a long time, and for people who don’t understand why I would do so much work, well, he’s worth it. None of those issues are his fault, and he has worked really hard to come as far as he has. And when we aren’t having problems (and the good times outweigh the bad), he’s awesome.

            I could probably use some help with the “express … without triggering fearful avoidance,” because my coping method has sometimes been to just quietly feel my feelings, write them out, maybe write a song about it, and wait for them to pass, because the cost of triggering him isn’t worth the satisfaction I might get from yelling about something. I can handle it myself, so sometimes I do. This is probably not healthy for me or the relationship, so even though this thread is about a specific incident, I would be VERY curious to hear the ways your partner has learned to communicate problems to you without making you feel like a monster. I have yet to master this skill.

          2. rubeseatsinfo +4

            A lot of it is taking those steps that you describe, doing the emotional heavy lifting independently if possible, and then coming with an expression that is gentler and declarative. Everybody loses their temper sometimes, or communicates badly, but we try to generally do it in a form that’s more solution-focused and identifies reasons behind anger.

            “I felt angry when you did ___, because I felt like my preferences weren’t being valued. If you could check with me before doing ___, it would make me feel better.”

            And then also when we come with that feedback being ready to encounter defensiveness or projection or fear, and being ready to soothe it. I find it helpful when statements of upset with me are followed by some variation on “I love you, and I know we’ll work to do better.” Also framing expressions of negative emotions as being opportunities for trust and growth (“I know you don’t want to hurt my feelings, which is why I feel okay asking you to try to do ___ more. It will help me and I trust that you’re trying your best to have us work well together. Do you need anything from me to help you [fix thing that has made me mad]?”) has worked to help prevent me from anxiety spiraling.

            I also have interpersonal effectiveness worksheets that we both use sometimes if tempers are flaring or our needs are really slamming against each other. This is a slightly different one (http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/ie_handout_6.html) that also works well for deciding how important a behavioural change or request is to you.

            Also, it can be super helpful for you to have a counsellor or therapist to talk with about trying to support your partner while caring for your own needs. Even if it’s once every month or so, going over your recent bumps/backslides with an independent person can help you identify ways you can improve, and can also reassure you that the progress isn’t all in your head when you get in a backslid/negative patch.

          3. blunderbusst +5

            OMG WORKSHEETS. Well done.

            Can a person go to therapy because they want help dealing with someone else in therapy? Like, is that a legitimate reason for going? I would assume other issues could/would come up after several sessions, but when I sit down with someone that very first time, do I just say, “Well, my BF has some mental health issues and I want to support him and I also need a place to talk about how I feel about us.”

            Hmmm. I think I just answered my own questions.

    12. hurdyburdy +20

      There’s a lot going on here, and I think other people have said everything I would have said about the coming over secretly/lying about it part of it, so I want to look at this part for a second:

      I have been working really hard to give him the kind of attention he needs when he’s feeling insecure, and he’s been working really hard to give me the space that I need, and we’ve mostly been able to deal with this problem, or so I thought. Now it seems he’s been hiding his feelings from me, pretending everything was ok, and then doing this secret weirdness.

      This is what makes me think that the lying-about-coming-over is part of a pattern of behaviors for this dude; he knows he wants more of your time and attention than you want to give him (I’m guessing this based mostly on you feeling good about your relationship right now, and feeling like you’re in a period of closeness and healthy awesome intimacy, while he’s still feeling hungry for more), so instead of revising his own expectations for intimacy, or talking honestly with you about how he’s not being fulfilled by your current relationship, he’s manufacturing his own sense of additional closeness by going into your house, into your room, etc., without your knowledge or consent.

      That’s the real red flag, for me–not even his specific behavior necessarily, but the way in which he’s dealing with not feeling like he’s getting the closeness and intimacy he wants out of the relationship. He didn’t go to you with his concerns–maybe he’s afraid you’ll pull away again, maybe he’s afraid an honest conversation about this would lead to a break-up, maybe he has a completely different reason. But whatever the reason, he’s not treating your relationship like a partnership of equals who fix problems together, because he’s not bringing his problems to you. Instead he’s violating your boundaries like woah to try to get what he needs.

      1. robotneedslove +19

        Yes, you said some of what I was thinking very well.

        It seems a huge lack of respect to me. Your guy is not getting what he wants, so he takes it without your knowledge, and because he lied about it, presumably feeling like it would be against your will. This is HUGE to me. Just because a person cries and seems very sad and contrite about a problem does not mean they are not being aggressive.

        When a dynamic is one of desire for independence vs. desire for intimacy it is easy to imagine the independent person has all the power. But here he is taking the power of choice away from you, and lying about it, and generally doing things that are very much not cool, all of which are power plays. Feeling powerless is not an excuse for taking another person’s agency away (see those MRAs who feel rejected by women).

        It sounds like there’s a lot of love, but this is a pretty big red flag. If it were me being sorry would not be enough. It’s pretty hard for me to trust someone once they’ve proven to me that my consent is not important to them.

        ETA: It’s also quite weird that he did this to feel *close* to you. He did something without you being around, without you knowing about it, and he assumed you wouldn’t be cool with him doing it, yet he did it to be feel close to you. I mean, that’s weird. Either he’s lying about the feeling close, or he has a really really strange definition of feeling close.

      3. tekkah +8

        This comment hits the nail on the head for me. I’m personally pretty alarmed by the situation, and while I do not know the full extent of your relationship, OP, I think for me personally this behavior constitutes a breach of trust — not the coming in, but the lying about it. Deception can never lead to good things, I think. I think you’re getting a lot of good advice here, though. Toast advice is thoughtful, good advice. Good luck handling this situation.

      4. blunderbusst +8

        Nailed it: “he’s not treating your relationship like a partnership of equals who fix problems together, because he’s not bringing his problems to you.”

        I appreciate the way this discussion is examining consent here. I don’t feel like there has been a boundary violation, because I gave him the key and have encouraged him to use it, particularly during times when he feels sad or lonely. (In the interest of not revealing his entire mental health history to internet strangers, I will merely say that this is a technique we have discussed previously. He hasn’t utilized it before, so this episode could fall under the heading of Misinterpreting Offers of Key Use.)

        Yes, the behavior is weird for all the reasons you and others have mentioned. But I don’t feel violated. Confused, sad, hurt, and confused some more. But not violated. And I appreciate everyone for whom this would be a deal-breaker.

        1. hurdyburdy +1

          That’s very true, I should have used a different phrase than “violated your boundaries,” because you know where your boundaries are much better than I do. Maybe “instead he’s doing stuff behind your back to try to get what he needs” is a better way of saying it? Anyway, I hope the comments have been helpful.

          1. blunderbusst +6

            Incredibly helpful, particularly in trying to figure out if I am missing some huge violate-y piece of the situation that hasn’t been resonating for me. I think “doing weird coping mechanisms in secret” pretty much nails it for me.

            Also helpful in just thinking through my own feelings about it.

            My boundaries, especially in this instance, are maybe a little looser, because our house has always been the Take In Strays House, and we’ve always made it known that it’s open to people who need it. When we were trying to solve the mystery, we were actually able to make a list of people who could realistically have broken in to shower but felt too embarrassed to tell us they needed our help. Maybe this isn’t a best practice, but, well, that’s my family.

    13. blueblazes11 +13

      If the relationship were shorter-term, I would ask for my key back. Not break up, just reinforce the boundaries by showing him the consequences of his actions. But four years… is there a reason you aren’t living together? Is *this kind of behavior* the reason you aren’t living together? Obvs don’t know your situation, but from the outside it looks to me like boyfriend’s insecurity might be somewhat justified. If I had been with someone for four years without cohabiting, I would probably wonder what my actual relationship status was. Are we a couple or are we long-term friends with benefits? Does it matter to me? Perfect world, couples therapy or mediation might help you two talk about this openly.

      I am very much an independent lady introvert, and one of the central conflicts of our marriage is that my husband is Mr Social and I am Ms Let Me Do My Own Thing And Sometimes You May Be Included. We both have to compromise to make it work. Clearly you are the person who was wronged in this instance, but I think that there is room to say that while you need space, your bf has needs too, and it is up to you to decide if the relationship is worth the additional effort you might have to make to meet those needs. If you are already “working really hard” at that, and it just isn’t enough for him, it might be kinder in the long term to end the relationship. (As opposed to him always feeling insecure forever.)

      1. blunderbusst +3

        I wonder that myself during the bad periods: is he going to feel insecure forever? And then we have these great patches of awesomeness and I think, “Ok, the insecurity episodes are shorter and less intense and farther apart. We got this!”

        What is the oddest part (to me) about this whole deal is that the past few months we have been seriously talking about the future: when do we want to finally move in together, do we think we should get married, how do we feel about kids, how will we manage our manage. Real big kid stuff. I think Bryan et al (below) is very astute in noting that actual intimacy is scary, and this could be, in part, a reaction to that.

        Oh, and to answer your question: we have always been very slow-going in our relationship. Partially because he is 10 years younger than me and this is his first adult relationship, and partially because I am 10 years older than he is, and I’ve lived with people and made mistakes and there’s no harm in going slow and seeing what works for us. We communicate about it, though, because of course people always want to know why we haven’t moved in together yet. There was an early period of us each getting our shits together, too. This summer seemed to be the time when we were both ready to talk about it for real.

        1. blueblazes11 +5

          You’re right. It is especially odd in the context you describe. If you are having those conversations about your relationship status and what it means (big kid stuff :)), I would think that would have been a boost for him.

          You are amazingly perceptive and forgiving in what you say further upthread as well. The issue for you is the lie, and not even really the lie itself, but the fact that is shows he isn’t comfortable telling you what he needs. I would never have gotten there in a million years, and you summed it up so beautifully.

          I kind of object to the notion of intimacy as an end goal that can be achieved. In my experience, at least, it waxes and wanes within all types of relationships. No one, not even your spouse, is entitled to physical and emotional closeness or information that you don’t want to give.

          1. blunderbusst +4

            Your objection is noted, and I concur. Especially with very long-term relationships (spouses, siblings, best friends), we go through periods of closeness and periods of separateness. By default I am usually very open with my thoughts and feelings, though I do sometimes need time to retreat alone (classic outgoing introvert here). I suspect one of our core differences is that I’m very comfortable with both the closeness and the separateness, while he doesn’t have a good model for what that looks like, thus his idea of closeness is based on something other than real life experiences, and the separateness just looks like abandonment to him.

            Also, thank you very much for your kind words. I don’t think I knew that was how I felt until I started talking about it here today, so thank you for your participation in helping me “get there,” so to speak.

    14. Bryn (Plus Others) +11

      Like lots of other commenters, it is hard not to have a kind of knee-jerk AUGH reaction. And I am sure a lot of what I am writing below is coming from me and not from you, so please ignore it if it seems irrelevant. 🙂

      I think it is very good that you are clear about your own issues, and that you have decided that you want to see if this can be repaired and things can keep moving forward. But remember that it is not something /you/ can repair because he is the person who decided to lie about his emotional state while engaging in weird coping mechanisms, and it is on him to figure out how to stop doing it. You can communicate what behaviours you will need to start relaxing into the relationship again and what will repair trust and all of that, but it is not like you can repair this, you can just be open to him doing the work and support him in it.

      And in the larger sort of picture, I will say that I am very sympathetic to his insecurities because some people here used to be really, really like that, and it is not an easy way to be. But for us we had to Just Give Up on any person making us feel good enough or special enough or loved enough or /anything/ enough and figure out how to cope on our own. So if right now your relationship pattern is him saying (however respectfully and nicely) ‘If you just Do X I will feel better’ … that seems like not a good pattern? And I am not getting the sense from what you wrote but it does seem a little bit like there is something underneath where someone (you/him/his therapist/society?) feels like if you were just Doing More then he would not be a mess. Or that his discomfort is something it is your job to soothe/fix and if you were just less independent or something then there would not be a problem? But if he is so anxious and insecure and he thinks a relationship is what he needs to feel better, then the problem is not the way that you are in the relationship, the problem is that he is looking for something which does not exist.

      I think you are right about the backsliding, that does seem to happen, especially when real change is on the horizon, like maybe he got close to that place of finally landing on his own feet with the /actual/ closeness you all are having (which actual closeness is not the same thing as soothing the anxiety/insecurity) and so he panicked and went into the old reflexes. Actual intimacy can be very scary.

      Good luck with the conversation this weekend and with finding a couples therapist, I think that is an excellent idea!

      1. blunderbusst +2

        You are an emotional genius, by the way.

        I mentioned this above, but it’s worth mentioning again, that you are very astute in noting that actual intimacy is scary. Around the time the weird coping mechanisms started is right about the same time we started to have real actual conversations about the future.

        Also in this time frame, he has been having some big breakthroughs in therapy and also his body chemistry has been changing (like, he’s producing serotonin again for the first time in years). So, you know: real change.

        That something underneath you might be sensing is probably something like this: he has some mental health stuff and a family history of awfulness, I really like him and then we fall in love, if I want the relationship to continue we have to do some hard work to overcome some of those challenges, I have more experience and I really want it to work so I work hard to meet his needs (he works hard to meet mine, but mine are easier to meet like “say nice things to me a few times a week and then give me space to do my thing”). Something like that.

    15. CleverManka +16

      Everyone else has been so incredibly kind and gentle and considerate. And I’m so so so glad those people are the majority of voices here on The Toast. That said, my advice would be Run Like Fucking Hell. Or, perhaps to soften that a bit, Check To Confirm He Isn’t Likely To Become Violent And Then Run Like Fucking Hell.

      1. blunderbusst +15

        I am so disappointed in you. Not because of your advice, which is completely legitimate and I value your opinion. But because you failed to illustrate it with a gif.

    16. rebeccacsjanzen +2

      have not read all the replies. but. you are being his emotional caretaker. what you do about that is up to you.
      sidebar question: were you raised to be a nice Christian girl? If you were, it is really hard to break this pattern.

      1. blunderbusst +1

        Our house was a “Jesus is good. Does anybody feel like waking up early for church? No? Ok.” kind of house. But I get what you’re saying.

        In fact, our house was a place of great loudness, love, and debate, and a safe place to take a stand or be strongly opinionated or a little selfish. It was also a place of strong emotional support.

        His house was not.

        So I think, looking at patterns in the rest of my life (with friends and other boyfriends, for example), that it’s easy for me to give lots of emotional support, and then the problem starts when I realize it isn’t a reciprocal system, since I’m giving support to people who weren’t raised in my house. But then I don’t want to withdraw that caretaking, because it’s so easy to give and I would feel like a jerk for taking it away.

        Or something.

        Thanks for your insight. There’s some therapy in my future, I think, for getting some tools to know when this is healthy and when this is not good.

  14. deleted7410012 +21

    yesterday was my birthday! and to my fellow jewish toasties: shana tova umetukah!

    this week was kind of a frustrating roller coaster at work BUT i’m looking forward to next week: i’m seeing chimamanda ngozi adichie speak, and going to few other fun events, and then there’s hardly strictly bluegrass, which i’ve been waiting for basically every day since last year’s hardly strictly.

    1. catoclock +3

      Happy birthday!!!!

      I just looked up Hardly Strictly Bluegrass. WHAT. brb moving to San Francisco real quick

      1. deleted7410012 +2

        thank you!!

        also, yep. hardly strictly bluegrass is a joy and a treasure! my friend and i have a running joke where immediately after hardly strictly, we start excitedly asking each other, “you know what’s in 12 (11, 10, etc) months???”

    4. gentlehangovers +3

      Happy birthday! And what’s your strategy for HSB? Do you wander around, or pick a stage and sit tight? I’ve been a few times, and love it, but I have to admit that it overwhelms me pretty quickly.

      1. deleted7410012 +1

        thank you!

        for hsb, i tend to plan by the bands/artists i’m most interested in. sometimes in the past i’ve been lucky and can sit tight at a stage for a few hours and see a bunch of people i’d like to see…but sometimes i’ve had to scurry between stages. either way, i’m one of those concert-goers that tries to formulate a plan in advance—otherwise, yeah, it totally gets overwhelming. it’s been irking me that they haven’t released the by-stage lineup yet!

          1. deleted7410012 +1

            i was just looking at them! but thanks for the heads up 🙂

            of course, the two people i was most excited to see (yo la tengo and ryan adams) are playing at THE SAME TIME, whyyyy

      1. deleted7410012 +1

        she’s doing a city arts & lectures author interview (i think dave eggers is the one who’ll be interviewing her) at the nourse on tuesday!

  15. deleted1892326 +38

    I know I’m waaaaay behind the curve, but I just started Orphan Black last night. And by started, I mean binge-watched 5 episodes. Much intense. Such clones. Anyway, that’s all that’s on my mind at work today.

    1. logicbutton +8

      I impulse bought the s2 DVDs at Target last week. I have no other way to watch it! They were only $20!

      1. deleted2997279 +4

        I saw all of season 2 via my cable company’s on demand and then waited to watch the finale because I didn’t want it to end and then IT DISAPPEARED FROM ON DEMAND.

        Which is to say, buy them is a great idea. Don’t do what I did.

    4. ct330 +4

      Ahhh! I have to catch up with s2 of Orphan Black. But right now I am trying to catch up on Scandal. I’m a slowpoke, and I’m in season 2. Which OH MY GOD WHAT EEEEEVEN IS GOING ON. I love Shondaland dramarama so much.

    5. constancegrady +19

      I am always surprised when I watch the credit sequence to that show and only see two actresses listed. “Where are all the other ladies?” I demand. “There are so many awesome ladies in that show besides Sarah–there’s Alison and Cosima and . . . oh.”

      In other words, Tatiana Maslaney needs all the awards yesterday.

      1. BessieMaeMucho +5

        Exxxxactly. It’s amazing what she’s accomplishing, and with a minimum of costuming and makeup work (it’s not like she’s in a sci-fi show like Star Trek or something). Also, Felix is the best.

        1. constancegrady +11

          I swear to god she changes the shape of her face when she switches characters. And the voice work! Cosima has that Bay area vocal fry that none of the other clones have, and Sarah-as-Beth lets her British accent slip a little when she’s nervous or startled. It’s absurd how good she is.

          Felix <3 <3

      2. owlegg +6

        The other day my friend was like “Imagine how good Dollhouse would have been with Tatiana Maslany instead of Eliza Dushku” and I simultaneously got really excited and really disappointed.

  16. thisclimbingbean +6

    While I’m here by myself, then, I might as well ask what you all think of Ello. I checked out their little FAQs etc, and a friend offered an invite, but I need more distractions like a hole in the head, so I politely refused. I’m not on FB because I hate it, but I guess perhaps I could be interested in something like Ello for promotional purposes.

    What say you, Toasties?

    1. ramina +4

      I got one mostly because I have yet to find a social media platform that I haven’t signed up for but it just seems so…plain and boring, truthfully.

      1. thisclimbingbean +1

        I quite liked the visuals, but I don’t know. I wonder if it might just go the way of Google+.

    2. deleted7410012 +8

      it makes no sense to me. i give in to facebook because so many people i know use it as a platform for messaging (instead of email) and for event invites.

      ello just looks like tumblr, if a tumblr theme replaced the traditional dashboard scheme, and if tumblr was solely for your ex-roommates’ selfies and links to buzzfeed articles.

      also, people seem to be super excited about ello being ad-free, which just seems silly to me. no website can stay ad-free for very long, as it eats up bandwidth as it gains popularity.

      1. thisclimbingbean +1

        I joined tumblr because I wanted to follow a few tumblrs and they don’t let you get email subscriptions, so I follow those three and try to ignore all the other tumblr ugh.

        They say that it’ll be ad-free because they’ll get money from people buying features…. not sure how well that will work.

    3. cosmia +10

      It is the dumbest. I work in social media marketing and I’m sure it’ll get ads sooner or later. There’s literally no way for it to stay afloat, unless they start paying for subscription-only features – which people are not going to want to do because there are so many free platforms available.

      Also, they seem naive of the fact that there’s more than one way to advertise on a social media site aside from banner ads – there’s already brands signing up on Ello, so even this early in the game it’s not ad-free. Interestingly enough, the creator of Ello has a brand page up for his bicycle shop – so “ads are tacky”, unless they’re for your hipster sideproject, right? https://medium.com/@misterdisco/anti-advertising-…

      1. thisclimbingbean +1

        They say that they will have subscription-only features, and that kind of turned me off! Even if it’s a small fee, I don’t want to pay for social media.

        Good point about the brands. Heh.

    4. alicia +2

      I’m trying it, but it’s hard to discover people which is frustrating. It’s also not yet very diverse, so if I can help make it a more interesting place to hang out by giving invites to any people who don’t ID as cis-gendered and/or white please ask.

      1. huntress wizard +4

        Maybe if it had a friends-only option? Right now everything is public.

        (I have been missing LJ A LOT recently)

        1. thisclimbingbean +1

          I think there will be? I read that there will be something like that option, and now I can’t remember exactly how they describe it.

          I think I’ve been lucky with my lj friends, but I know there are a lot on my list who don’t post as much as they used to.

      2. thisclimbingbean +3

        I STILL HAVE LIVEJOURNAL. Haha. Everyone at lj gets so upset about it ‘dying’ and I’m actually pretty happy with the friends I have there. I’ve only been there seven years, though, so I guess I missed the ‘heyday’ they all like to talk about.

  17. Atalanta_Is +8

    My tendonitis came roaring back after an ill-conceived day of knitting.

    If you have tendonitis, how do you manage it? I’ve heard that lifting weights can help (music school is filled with hot tips for maintaining your wrists), but I’ve also heard that it makes tendonitis worse, so I guess I will get an exercise band and see what happens?

    1. threatqualitypress +3

      Both I and my brother have had bouts with tendonitits. I believe that the general consensus is that lifting weights can BOTH help and and make it worse — you have to make sure that you ease into the exercises, not working your muscles to exhaustion, and not pushing too hard against your upper limits, to avoid aggravating it. Gentle, consistent weight-lifting can improve the strength and flexibliity that helps to deal with it.

      This is my understanding, but I am pleased to defer to someone with better information.

    2. Genevievenumba4 +1

      What kind of tendonitis? I think there are specific exercises that help with specific problem areas. I have some sort of grip related golfer’s elbow from doing pull ups, and doing reverse wrist curls with 5 lbs weights for high reps helps. Something about the counterbalance of it, I guess?

      1. Atalanta_Is +2

        The worst spot for me is maybe an inch down from my wrist, on the inside of my arm — it’s from mouse + keyboard + violin + knitting.

        A friend recently suggested just plain old bicep curls, so I’m going to try that out and see what happens.

        1. mosiegirl +1

          I have eased tendonitis (sp?) in my wrist using a doohickey that my trainer made: a 1″ x 14″ piece of pvc pipe with some light rope taped to it in the middle. You hold it in both hands and roll the rope up by twisting your hands (as if you were trying to get wrapping paper back on the roll) and then roll it down. I do it with my arms straight and as relaxed as I can.

    3. FrancesGnome +1

      I have tennis elbow that happens with crocheting and my solution is one of those bands you wear on your forearm while doing the thing that aggravates it. Is there a brace or something that helps?

      1. Atalanta_Is +1

        I have those enormous Futuro braces that seem to help, if only because I can’t hardly do anything in them, but they’re honestly terrible and I would love to have ANYTHING else.

    4. Jameela +1

      Hi, new to Toast here! I was a martyr to tendonitis, albeit a very moany complaining martyr, first my right wrist and then my left became as limp as overcooked noodles. My doctor prescribed ibuprofen, like for the rest of my life, but my mum gave me a magnet wrist strap. MAGNET MAGIC. Seriously, anytime I got (or still occasionally have) twinges, I put the magnet strap on for like 12 hours and I’m fine again. I recommend them to everyone!

  18. catoclock +38

    Soooo my trivia team guest hosted trivia last night and we somehow managed to create the lowest scoring set in the entire 8-year history of trivia. Nobody likes animal facts and Catholic iconography as much as we do, I guess.

    1. deleted7410012 +5

      boooo on them. animal facts are the best. i know nothing about catholic iconography but half the fun of trivia is learning the trivia that you missed!

    3. paperbgprincess +3

      I definitely don’t know anything about Catholic iconography but I like animals! Can you give us some sample questions?

      1. catoclock +4

        Sure! Let’s see… so, you’ve probably heard of kopi luwak, the super expensive coffee that’s made from coffee berries that have been eaten and pooped out by a particular animal. What is the animal? (This one went over fine, actually, maybe a third of the teams got it.)

        What is the name of the stuffed toy created by William Taft supporters that was supposed to be a successor to Teddy Roosevelt’s teddy bear?

        What country launched the first cat into space?

        Our only completely dead question was when we asked people to identify this animal:

          1. catoclock +2

            It is NOT a kangaroo rat, which is the most common answer we got. It’s actually a springhare, which is a weird little rodent from southeastern Africa. They’re nocturnal and sometimes they eat arthropods!

        2. GreenGrasses +3

          Common palm civet!!

          I know this because I work for O’Reilly, who puts animals on the covers of its books, and I just had a book with a civet on it!

          1. catoclock +2

            Nailed it! (we accepted just “civet”)

            I also work in publishing but we don’t put animals on our books, SADLY.

        3. Elsajeni +2

          Your second question: Oh my God, I have no idea but I really really want to know. The Tafty Cat? Some kind of walrus, in reference to his moustache? WHAT COULD IT BE?

          2. Elsajeni +1

            BILLY POSSUM! That’s amazing! This is my favorite new fact I’ve learned all year! (I love possums.)

  19. deleted2997279 +48

    Real life update – my best friend from high school got married last week and she was a joy and a delight and I am so overflowingly happy for her. I met wonderful NYC Toasties while I was visiting and my mother may be reading The Toast now (hi mom) and Mr. Polka Stripes and I evaluated our assets and liabilities and decided to legally entangle one another in said assets/liabilities so the past couple of weeks have been just one big party over here at Casa De La Polka Stripes.

    1. CaptainNancy +6

      Happy pending legally entanglement!

      Do you need congratulory postcards? Your Toast Post Army is only waiting for your call!

      1. deleted2997279 +6

        Omg I would simultaneously love it and die from all the attention (as would Mr Polka Stripes). Even the suggestion is making me warm and fuzzy so consider your work done 😉

        1. CaptainNancy +13

          OMG, once the deed is done, you could totally get the Toast Post Army to send your thankyou cards. It would be THE BEST

          Dear Polka Stripes’ Great Aunt

          You don’t know me, as I am an internet stranger. Mr and Mrs Polka Stripes would like to thank you for the Murano Glass Vase. It fits beautifully with the decor of their dining room. They look forward to many bouquets enhancing the stylish handcrafted art.

          Regards

          CaptainNancy

          2. deleted2997279 +3

            The best part of this is I have a Great Aunt I’m inviting (although she can’t travel) and she would be so confused but also “Huh! So this is what the kids are doing these days!” and shrug it off. I love her.

    3. Bryn (Plus Others) +2

      Congratulations on your upcoming legal entanglement, and the many other fine things in your life!

  20. meetapossum +20

    Did you guys know there are rattlesnakes in New Jersey? There are! This is what I learned on my hike last weekend.

    1. ramina +3

      Yep! My mother knocked one off a path once when we were at girl scout camp doing a hike. This was probably the only time my mom ever went hiking with us and she was a huge badass while there.

      (miss u Camp DeWitt)

      1. meetapossum +2

        It was quite a surprise to me! I’ve hiked the Water Gap before, but I’ve never seen any snake before, much less a rattlesnake. It was just chilling on the trail. Thank goodness they do have rattles or I’d probably be nursing a snake bite.

      2. spideress +1

        That is awesome. My mom just points out snakes that no one else notices and makes me super paranoid on hikes.

        1. EPWordsnatcher +7

          Well fuck me, who knew? (NOW WE ALL KNOW AND WILL LIVE IN MORE FEAR)

          (I don’t even live in New Jersey, but if they’re there, they could be anywhere…)

    3. CaptainNancy +3

      AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

      We used to live in New Jersey.

      I hate snakes.

      AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

    4. momoulton22 +3

      ahhh so cool. I saw a copperhead sunbathing in Massachusetts a few years ago. But it was cuddled in a stone wall, so much less terrifying.

    6. spring chickens +2

      that is horrifying! but I am glad to know… so I can watch out in tall grass!! !

      at least they don’t drop from trees… someone found a black mamba in my backyard as a kid (when I lived in another country), and they do drop from trees on top of people and animals when they attack, in addition to being extremely venomous. disgusting. it scarred me for life on snakes.

  21. logicbutton +21

    Toastie Twitter Discovers Vine, Uses It As Excuse To Annoy Pets.

    In related news, if you have no Twitter but do have a Vine, and you like cats, follow me! I’m logicbutton there, too. And of course, if you do have a Twitter and your interests include friendship and hilarious people but do not include the perpetuation of the kyriarchy, why not join Toastie Twitter? https://twitter.com/embryoconcepts/lists/toasties…

    1. ramina +5

      Does Toastie Twitter have space for someone that posts random silly anecdotes about work and self-actualization?? If yes, please add @elyseexplosion 😀

      1. logicbutton +7

        Everybody follow polka_stripes, who is @ediehan on Twitter! She has a protected account, but she is the Actual Best!

    4. Genevievenumba4 +6

      I WANT IN. I haven’t actually tried to use twitter yet–I am sort of lurking by the side of the pool, about to dip a toe in? Toastie twitter will help.

      @bernerherzog

        1. Genevievenumba4 +2

          omg the list keeps going. It’s like trying to drink from a fire hydrant filled with…wait. Something good. I don’t know, strawberry lemon vodka cocktails?

    5. thisclimbingbean +2

      I’m @Pathethical and do not tweet very regularly, nor am I particularly profound, but I’m always interested in new Twitter people.

    6. projectbeks +3

      I haven’t ventured into the twitter-sphere yet. I’m not sure I’d have time for it, but I keep considering it, and wondering if I would make an account with my real name or my Toast/Wordpress name. Decisions are hard, is what I’m saying, but it sounds like you all have so much FUN!

      1. logicbutton +2

        No pressure for sure! I follow plenty of people who post infrequently or not at all, so don’t let that be a factor in your decision!

        1. elsamac +3

          A friend of mine recently remarked that I “don’t tweet much” like he was dropping stone-cold fact, and I o_0 at him until I realized most of my Twitter activity is in @s, so most people other than Toasties only see a fraction of it.

          Which is GREAT, actually.

    7. PonyAlong +4

      How do you sign up? Is it by invite only, or do I simply just create a Twitter account? I’M SCARED, SOMEONE HOLD ME!

      1. logicbutton +1

        You just create an account, and then start following people and tweeting! That link I posted upthread is a list of all known Toasties on Twitter. The interface is pretty simple, but ask if you have questions!

        1. PonyAlong +2

          Thanks! I’ve been curious about Twitter and how I could apply it to my own life and being a “Toastie Twitter-er” could fit the bill!

          Sent from my iPad

        1. teresamackadoo +2

          Sold. I’m @teresamackadoo, and if some kind hearted soul wants to add me to this Toastie list I make excellent thank you cupcakes.

          1. teresamackadoo +2

            You guys are amazing! I just opened twitter to see that in 13 minute I’m already added and like 6 of y’all have followed me. Now I have to think of something to tweet!

          3. teresamackadoo +3

            If you live anywhere near San Francisco, passionfruit pisco sour cupcake ingredients are already in my fridge…

          4. logicbutton +2

            I don’t, but I think there are a few others who do, and we all love desserts, so be careful what you offer. 🙂

      2. elsamac +2

        I really didn’t get Twitter until I started tweeting. tbh, I felt pretty goofy about it at first. But now I vastly prefer it to other social media options.

    9. yrpretendfriend +5

      toastie twitter is my favorite! I’m yrpretendfriend on twitter and i posted some vines so you can find me through there!

    10. peytonopoly +3

      Ooh could you add me @jpeytonm if I’m not already? I don’t quite understand the difference between subscriber and member apparently. Going to follow a bunch of people right after work!

    11. squiffyocelot +4

      I rarely tweet, but when I do, it’s mostly obscenely cute pictures of foster kittens, which seems on point for this list – @_hboots

      1. logicbutton +4

        There is a contingent of Toastie Twitter that indiscriminately faves all cat pictures. I may be part of it?

    12. rkfire +4

      BTW, can I just say that Toastie Twitter is absolutely the best way to join Twitter? I don’t think I would be active on my Twitter acct at all if it wasn’t for you fine folks, so thank you!

      [@hieuzon1st]

    13. AliasGrace +1

      Ohhh so this is how Toastie Twitter works! I am a total Twitter lurker but please add me anyway? @gnomethinks

  22. rhymeswitheight +11

    Work/bathroom question for the crowd. I started a semi new job (same place, just a different department) and the new bathroom’s door is always open. It’s got stalls, and the door is perpendicular to the actual stalls. So you wouldn’t be able to look in and see anyone but, while I’m in there, I can very easily and clearly hear people talking in the hallway. I am not thrilled about people easily and clearly hearing my bathroom sounds. I don’t want to shut the door because maybe there’s a person with mobility issues or something and they can’t open the door to the bathroom. But it makes me feel exposed! (Also the men’s bathroom door is always closed. Is it smellier? Do they deserve more privacy?) Am I making a thing out of a nothing?

    Please, share your weird work bathroom stories!

    1. winterbymorning +13

      I heard from a coworker that an employee she supervises used to hole up in the handicapped stall and write Star Trek fanfiction out loud. As in, talk through the dialogue, etc. “And then Spock said…”

      (Sidenote, is there a better term than “handicapped,” because while the use of that adjective is frowned upon to describe people, I haven’t heard any other word to describe the bathroom stalls. “Stall for people with physical disabilities” is probably too long to become popular in speech.)

      1. logicbutton +24

        I think the current term is “accessible,” as in, the accessible restroom or the accessible stall.

      2. CleverManka +19

        an employee she supervises used to hole up in the handicapped stall and write Star Trek fanfiction out loud

        OH MY GOD why does this stuff never happen to me? No, no, I get the bathroom where the same person stinks it up every damn morning before 8:30 am. I get the bathroom where the cleaning staff left vomit on the door of the second stall for four days before I finally called in a complaint. I get the bathroom where the accessible stall is constantly being used by (usually freshman or sophomore) women who use it to administer their morning prep including curling their hair, yes, despite the fact that they somehow made it to campus sans make-up and the whole room smells like shit because the same person stinks it up every damn morning before 8:30 am.

        Some people get audible Star Trek fan fiction and I get that shit. What the hell.

    2. paperbgprincess +25

      Is there anyone you are friendly with yet that you can ask? I’d try the receptionist maybe, or any kind of admin/ops person who has been there a while. Say conspiratorially, “Hey can I ask you — what’s the deal with the bathroom door always being open? That seems weird to me, do you know why?” When I was a receptionist I would have loved to get a funny question like that and would have answered immediately and with great relish.

    3. hearyoume +17

      Work bathroom story: I work in IT, and used to relish basically having the women’s room to myself (heyo, male-dominated industry). Then some other departments were moved onto the floor and now there is ALWAYS someone else in the bathroom. I know that I really shouldn’t be indignant about this, BUT I AM.

    4. ramina +12

      Not super weird, but there has been a penny just behind the toilet in our handicap-accessible stall for like, three weeks now. I keep looking at it and it moves an eensy bit, but then not. MYSTERY PENNY

    5. blueblazes11 +18

      Not weird exactly, but our office building went up during the heady construction days of the early 2000s and is basically made out of duct tape and cardboard. From the very first day, the ladies in the office have complained about the horrifying smell in the ladies’ room. We are talking about paint-peeling, eye-watering, noxious poop-smell.

      So at first the property manager was like “no you can’t say that, there is a lady in the office with a colostomy, you’re being insensitive.” And then when we found out that was a lie (and also, what?) they were like “Oh, there’s something with the duct work. We’ll get them blown out.” And now, as the smell reaches new heights, we have learned the truth. The building went up so fast and with shoddy inspection that the site wasn’t properly prepared. The building shifted and the plumbing is either disconnected of running upwards at some point. And the only way to fix it will be to jackhammer through our floors.

    6. robotneedslove +11

      Hahaha well our bathroom situation is in constant UPROAR because of people not disposing of their tampons in ways that other people find acceptable. So many signs…. Also, someone left a pair of underwear in the bathroom, and they are currently in a manila envelope on the counter with a sign saying “ARE THESE YOURS??”

      So.

      Also, yeah man, ask the receptionist. Also, if I’m worried about bathroom noises and/or smells I flush the toilet a lot while I’m using it. That’s my hot tip.

      1. Elsajeni +13

        The other day, in my OWN HOME, I found a pair of my husband’s underwear hidden under the sink in the half-bath downstairs. This seemed inexplicable, so I went and found him and said something like “These are yours, right? And also, WHAT THE HELL?” And he confessed to having hidden them there one night when we had company over, because they were pinching him in some way and he couldn’t stand to wear them for another second, but also we had friends over and he didn’t want to, like, sprint upstairs to throw them in the laundry hamper.

        I have no idea how that would translate to a work bathroom, though. Either smuggle them out in your purse/pockets, or accept that you’re not going to come back for them and put them in the trash.

        1. robotneedslove +6

          This made me laugh really hard out loud. And I feel him. I cannot STAND being pinched by my underwear eithr.

          The work thing: I feel quite certain it was a “changing for a run” type situation. I change in there somewhat often to ride home on my bike, and was worried for a moment the underwear was mine.

          I just find the whole manila envelope so hilarious. I don’t know why exactly. People get so SCANDALIZED and UPSET and WORKED UP about the bathroom things.

          1. coloredlights +7

            Someone left a bra hanging in my office’s (only, single-user) bathroom once. She realized it the next day and was MORTIFIED but reclaimed it and explained that it was indeed a changing-for-yoga situation.

            In other bathroom weirdness, my office is mainly women, but there are a few dudes who come in part-time, and one of them CANNOT put the seat down when he is done. Like, what the hell, how do you reach an age above 30 (or above, like, 12) without realizing you need to do that?

      2. OliviaPJones +7

        Oh my god that underwear thing reminds me of my most humiliating summer camp memory.

        A pair of my (clean) underwear fell out of my luggage somehow and was found by a counselor, who then proceeded to hold it up in front of everyone and say, “Does this belong to any of you? I mean, it’s HUGE so probably not.” And then she laughed. I wanted to die and I certainly wasn’t about to reclaim a pair of underwear that I was now certain looked like a parachute.

      1. Upsidedown_Cake +7

        I feel like one of the corner stones of modern courtesy is that no one talks to anyone else in the bathroom. Maybe you can nod at the sink, but no more. Only monsters talk in the bathroom.

        (My boss is a misandrist heroine and I love her to pieces. I actively avoid going into the restroom, at the same time that she is in there if I can help it, because it is just too embarrassing.)

    8. literarysara +8

      Weird work bathroom stories: I once worked in a bar with old plumbing, which sometimes backed up and overflowed, and lots of drunk tourists, so many people continued using the toilets after failure. I sometimes had to change clothes between shifts and occasionally had to balance my body between the sink and tile baseboards because THE FLOOR WAS LAVA.
      After that, few bathroom mishaps trouble me. That said, I am a firm and deep believer in bathroom privacy, and I would dislike an open door too. I hope you find out why, and if it’s just a dumb thing like “air circulation” or “Iunno it’s always been that way,” that they find another solution and close the door.

      1. rhymeswitheight +4

        I think it might actually be air circulation. There’s a fan on the counter, pointed at the door. You may have solved the mystery!

        “Continued using toilets after failure” is the stuff of nightmares.

    9. Mike_B +4

      One time I walked into the bathroom at work and heard someone in there listening to Joe Satriani on his iphone speakers. So for a brief period of time, I was Surfing With the Toilet Alien.

    11. Martine +5

      Just close the door and don’t be shy about it, if anyone is bothered they will open it again. You have the right to feel comfortable while you pee.

  23. radventuretime +14

    Hey Toasties! I’m looking to practice my tarot reading skills so if anyone wants a one card draw from the Rider Waite deck, reply and I’ll do one for you!

    1. peytonopoly +1

      Yes please! My friend did a tarot reading for me last week, and it foretold some not so nice things. Maybe this one will be nicer??

      1. radventuretime +4

        I drew: The 8 Of Cups

        I can see why your friend may have told you things were going to get rough – the Eight of Cups is a card of difficult change. You’re going to be faced with a taxing choice, one that might take all your strength to make. However, it isn’t all bad news – the Eight of Cups is also a card that speaks to the fact that you are strong enough to make the choice and survive. If your circumstances were going to defeat you, this card would not have appeared. Instead, this is a card that speaks of this choice as a part of a journey – you’ll make the choice, and it will feel like it might kill you, but further down the road you’ll look back on this as something that forged some of the best parts of who you are.

        Hope this helps!

        1. peytonopoly +4

          OMG the 8 of cups was one of the cards my friend drew! Yes yes yes that makes a ton of sense in my life. This is great! You’re the best! Knowing I can survive this draining job search (hopefully with an actual job at the end) and hearing someone else say that means a lot.

      1. radventuretime +5

        I drew: The Reversed Chariot

        So to explain a bit about what the Rider-Waite Tarot means – the Tarot tells the story of something called the “Fool’s Journey.” We (The Fools) all begin the journeys we take through life as inexperienced or naive, and the Tarot tells us what circumstances we might encounter on the way to our journey’s end. I bring this up to say that the Chariot is a crucial part of anyone’s journey – it speaks to hard work, self control, and commitment leading to the positive results you’ve been seeking. But the card is reversed, which means that you might be trying to make too much happen too fast. Think of the chariot race in Ben Hur – are you lashing your horses too hard? Maybe take a step back from the goal you’ve been driving at and think seriously about what you are (or aren’t) really ready to sacrifice to get there. If it seems like too much, don’t worry. Make a new plan, clear your head, and the Chariot will flip back over and you’ll be off to the races.

      1. radventuretime +4

        I drew: The Reversed Three Of Cups

        A reversed Three Of Cups is the difference between how you feel getting ready to go get wasted with your friends to celebrate being single and how you feel at 3 in the morning trying not to puke while your friend sobs hysterically on your shoulder about her ex-boyfriend’s new facebook profile picture for like the millionth time. This card is a reminder that overindulgence and excess and carelessness in love or money or pleasure isn’t always fun and glamorous – sometimes it can just leave you hung over and broke with your friend REFUSING TO SHUT UP ABOUT HER EX BOYFRIEND ALREADY! *ahem* Is there something in your life that seems beyond your control, but that you’ve left along because it seems harmless or even fun? This card is telling you to look at that thing and really think about if it is something that you’d be better off changing.

        1. paperbgprincess +3

          hmmmmmm, interesting! I just started dating someone new that I’m really excited about after ages of being single. I’ve been struggling with not going too full-on too fast though, so maybe this should be a reminder to take it easy and relax?

      1. radventuretime +2

        I drew: The Six of Swords

        This card tells of a journey over water to an unexplored shore. You’ve left the past of this circumstance behind you, but view a future without it with equal parts excitement and fear. Is the promised land free of sorrow and worry really in view, or are you heading for something even worse? The Six of Swords tells you not to worry – no matter what the future brings, it will be better than what came before. Moving on was the right choice, and if you haven’t, this card is telling you what to expect once you finally do. Additionally, an aspect of this card is having a second person by your side, taking the journey with you and helping you along the way. If you have a friendship or relationship you feel secure in, this card speaks to the fact that they will be an integral, positive part of whatever comes next for you. Let yourself be excited about the future – you deserve it.

      1. radventuretime +2

        I drew: The Five of Wands

        First of all, I love the art on this card. It’s a bunch of medieval pageboys beating each other with massive sticks for some reason. Why are they doing it? What are they fighting for? Why are the sticks *so massive?* These are all arcane mysteries, perhaps for another day.

        Anyway, this card is a reminder that conflict exists. And, like the silly picture illustrates, this card in the upright position reminds you that conflict isn’t always world ending or even that bad. Sometimes people get into fights, it just happens as part of the way the world works. The Five of Wands also speaks to the fact that conflict can even yield good results – it reminds you of what is really important to you and what is worth fighting for. Is there a conflict, external or internal, that you’ve been struggling with? If so, the Five of Wands wants to tell you to take a deep breath, step back, and relax. Look at the conflict with an objective eye and pick it apart with what you stand to gain and what knowledge it has allowed you to gain about yourself. Remember that people (or pageboys with massive sticks) can bump against each other and ruffles feathers, but for as long as people have been fighting, they’ve also been making up and making things better.

      1. radventuretime +1

        I drew: The Seven of Cups

        The Seven of Cups has a urgent message for you – be cautious. This card reminds us that nothing is ever as it seems, things can change in an instant and if something seems a bit too good to be true, well, you know the rest of the expression. Something is about to happen where you’ll need your wits about you emotionally, and the Seven of Cups wants to tell you that no matter how beguiling the reasons and perspectives of others might be, you need to stay true to yourself and not do a single thing that your gut tells you feels wrong or not okay. This card is the card of deception – is there something in your life that isn’t adding up? The Seven of Cups suggests you get a read on that situation before continuing. On the bright side, this card isn’t a card of danger, it is a card of caution. For the Seven of Cups, a fully informed, cautiously made decision will yield a million times more happiness than a rash decision made based on what felt good in the moment.

      1. radventuretime +3

        I drew: Strength

        So you know the famous movie trope where the hero is able to bravely face insurmountable odds, complete the quest, find the treasure, defeat the final boss, et al, all with the help of one magical item or token that *gasp!* turned out not to be magic after all! The power was inside the hero the WHOLE TIME! Strength has some very good news for you – it wants to remind you that, even if it may not seem so at first, you are stronger than you ever dreamed possible. It’s standing over in the cheering section telling you to get out there and power through whatever scary thing you’ve made a thousand excuses to keep yourself from doing. The things that help support you aren’t the only things holding you up – you are. Strength wants you to take your power, go out there, and kick some serious ass in whatever way you feel.

        Also, Strength is also (no joke) a card some associate with the special role a cat plays in a person’s life. Take that as you will.

        1. CaptainNancy +4

          Ugh. I have a bunch of things I need to do, very basic, normal adult things, to make the next couple of years good, and I don’t wanna. I already know I’m going to fail spectacularly at all of them, so why even try, just sit in my cave, drink wine, and avoid all the things.

          So yeah, not too pumped about that card. I’d much rather a Fixes All Your Problems For You card… wouldn’t we all? I guess I’ve just gotta suck it up and go into the fray. Though I guess this means that I won’t fail spectacularly at everything!

          Thanks for the reading, that was interesting (albeit ugh-ey).

      1. radventuretime +3

        I drew: The Knight of Swords

        This is the card of righteous fury. The Knight of Swords rides into battles that need to be fought with weapons held high, unwilling to accept anything less than victory on his (and ONLY his) terms. The Knight of Swords is a card that manifests itself when there is something in you (or around you) that fiercely needs protecting, and reminds you that when you feel threatened or put down, you can get as angry as you want, and are justified in doing so. However, the Knight of Swords is not a card that is free of consequence. Because this card speaks to such a fierce and powerful desire for personal (or social) justice, it brings with it the caveat that true righteous anger must be used carefully, as it comes with the potential power to completely change your world. From this card, I would take the lesson that you have an unbelievable power within you, and that when you feel that you need to stand up for yourself you should take the opportunity instead of sitting back in silence, as the time might be right to do so.

        1. rhymeswitheight +1

          Ooo.. interesting. Thanks so much. I’m going to remember that last sentence for the next time I need it.

      1. radventuretime +1

        I drew: Reversed Eight of Cups

        I mentioned earlier in this thread that the Eight of Cups speaks to a difficult decision that it is as necessary to make as it is impossible. However, in this draw the Eight of Cups is reversed – the difficult, seemingly impossible choice is still present, but this card hints at the necessity of NOT making a change just yet. The Reversed Eight of Cups reminds you to get all of your ducks in order before undergoing a difficult change – that even though you might FEEL ready, you need to take a step back and live with your circumstances a bit more until you KNOW you’re ready to do what you have to do, or to make the change that you need to make. The difference between feeling and knowing is a large one, and the Reversed Eight of Cups reminds you to take that distinction seriously.

      1. radventuretime +3

        I drew: Reversed Page of Cups

        In the Tarot, the Page cards belong to a group called the Court Cards. When one of these cards appears in a reading, it almost always relates to the personal relationship you have (or will have) with a specific individual. With that in mind, the Page of Cups represents a relationship which requires a great deal of sensitivity to the emotional needs of both parties. As the card is reversed, that suggests that this particular relationship has been out of balance lately – people are feeling like their needs are not met, and at the same time wondering why the other party is being so darn sensitive and touchy as of late. The presence of the Reversed Page of Cups is a reminder to not let those feelings in a relationship (romantic or otherwise) go unchecked. The Page of Cups is also the card that speaks to the necessity of vulnerability in healthy relationships – perhaps this card is suggesting that you and this person need to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about whatever is causing strife between the two of you. This is a loving card, even reversed, and the card reminds you to not be scared – just be honest – and that the relationship that is currently suffering isn’t broken, it just needs a bit of calibrating.

    11. projectbeks +1

      Yes please! I have had some weird things going on internally (mentally-internally, not guts-internally), and a one card draw sounds good!

      1. radventuretime +3

        I drew: Reversed Eight of Swords

        When the Eight of Swords is in the upright position, it is not a great card to get. The Eight of Swords represents bondage – the deep, powerful, sad feeling of being stuck in the worst possible place and not being able to get out of it, no matter how hard you struggle. When reversed, though, the Eight of Swords becomes a card of hope. While this card suggests that you are still in the middle of a difficult circumstance (and might be for a while), the inversion means that a positive change is coming sooner than you think. To use a Star Wars metaphor to help explains this – when the Eight of Swords is upright you are Han Solo being lowered into carbonite. When the Eight of Swords is reversed, you are Han Solo trapped in carbonite in despair, moments before Princess Leia frees you. This card reminds you that while things may seem as bleak as they can get, you can take comfort in the fact a change for the better is just on the horizon.

        1. projectbeks +3

          WOW. This is amazingly accurate, as far as being in difficult circumstances. It’s good to know/be reminded that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Whew.
          Might I add, I really appreciate the Han Solo analogy? Woot! \o/

      1. radventuretime +1

        I drew: The Page of Wands

        The Page of Wands belongs to the Court Cards, which normally relate to the relationship between you and a specific person (be it friend, lover, coworker, et al.) However, the Page of Wands differs from the Court cards in that it serves as a herald, bearing the message of a new interpersonal relationship just on the horizon. In its function as a messenger, the Page is loyal, dedicated, and full of passion and excitement, and fortunately these are all things that you can expect in whatever new person will be entering your life soon. Normally the cards have warnings, or alternate messages, or cautions you need to take, but not this with one – fortunately, all you have to do with this card is wait for the awesomeness of a cool person to enter your life very soon.

      1. radventuretime +1

        I drew: The Reversed Six of Wands

        When upright, the Six of Wands speaks to a victory achieved through teamwork and open, clear communication between people. Reversed, it speaks to conflict between people which keeps everyone from achieving both shared and personal goals. In that vein, this draw of the Six of Wands serves as a caution – if you have a goal in your life that requires support from others or if you are helping someone work towards a goal of theirs, make sure to pay attention to the personal dynamics between you and any others who might be involved. I’m reminded of a friend of mine who is planning a wedding, and who enlisted her sister to have the sole job of Keeping Everyone Happy so that she could have people work with her in a way that was productive. This card is stressing how important it is to Keep Everyone (including yourself ) Happy if there is something that you need everyone for.

      1. radventuretime +1

        I drew: The Two of Cups

        The Two of Cups is a card that shows balance between two equals, and a reconciliation between two people who have been at odds and are now coming together in love and friendship. If you have a partnership or friendship that is strained, the Two of Cups tells you to take heart in the fact that a reconciliation is imminent, and that things will soon be back to the way they were before. That being said, the Two of Cups also reminds you that this reconciliation is something you have to be an active participant in – you can’t achieve balance and unity without being willing to concede some emotional ground in this situation. Remember to move forward with the goal of a balanced and happy union in mind – the Two of Cups points out that you can’t expect to receive love and happiness from someone without being loving and happy to them in return.

    15. PonyAlong +1

      Holy Hannah, you’re getting swamped with replies! I’m happy to lend a tarot hand if you need it (but only from 10:30am-12:00pm, BC West Coast time).

      1. radventuretime +1

        I drew: The Reversed Page of Wands

        As mentioned earlier in the thread, the upright Page of Wands is a very positive card. However, the reversed Page of Wands tells the opposite story – someone is about to enter your life who is not the best person for you to have around you right now. This person might be toxic, manipulative, or simply a jerk, but you are on the verge of being sucked into their orbit and the reversed Page of Wands is sending you a clear message of caution. As the Page of Wands functions as a herald, you have time to prepare – bear the Page’s warning in mind and if something doesn’t feel right between you and another person don’t be afraid to get your defenses up and proceed with extreme caution and great regard to your own emotional safety.

    21. newglasses +1

      Me too! If you have time and energy by the time you get to this reply. No worries if you can’t!

    31. Steph +1

      Sure, why not? 🙂

      EDIT: Oh man, there’s a ton of people who responded before me. Don’t feel bad if you’re tarot-ed out!

    32. sailorfaith +2

      The last tarot reading I had done involved a lot of WOMAN POWER and it was pretty great, unfortunately I was pretty drunk so I don’t really remember everything that was said. It looks like there’s a huge line for this but if you’re still into it I’d love a one-card reading 🙂

    38. AliasGrace +1

      Oooooh yes please. Many big scary changes lurking in the near future, need all the preparation I can get for them.

  24. threatqualitypress +10

    BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY: a netflix for college-level classes in obscure subjects. Tier 1 is $10/m and you get all the course material for whichever classes you want. Tier 2 is $50/m and you can participate in moderated discussions, get grades on papers, &c. A leader board tracks you progress, grades, and class ranking. Professors are awarded royalties according to the percentage of students that are using their classes

    3. highjump +1

      Coursera is kind of like this, though you do have to get materials for some classes. Huge variation in levels of participation in the discussions though.

      1. Absotively +1

        I’m taking my first Coursera course*, and I’m quite liking it, so I’ll second this quasi-recommendation.

        *Technically second, but I dropped the first one after a week because it turned out not to be quite what I was looking for.

  25. ramina +12

    D8 UPD8 (Sorry y’all, felt like using numbers today)

    Sunday night went really, really well! The coffee shop we were supposed to go to closed early for an event and neither of us knew, so we decided to walk and go get ice cream and just talk about things. He did not run away screaming when I said that I a) am a cosplayer and b) collect dolls, so that’s good. He also said in so many words that if the label were for him, he would identify as a feminist so that is a huge fucking weight off of my shoulders. We talked about comic books and looked at the gross water and did get a little makey outey. I had to leave early because I had to take care of my pet (sounds like a bad excuse, but was the honest truth because my chinchilla is a PAIN if I don’t let him run around and go in the dust bath) and made plans to get together Thursday, i.e. last night.

    SO THEN

    Last night ended up pretty good too, though I am still trying to process it? We went out to dinner at a nice local Mexican place, then back to my apartment to watch something on Netflix (it ended up being the Marc Maron standup special, but we can all guess about how much of that I actually saw). Things got pretty third base-y. He had work at 5:30 this morning so he had to leave, but I enjoyed myself and we have plans to go mini golfing sometime next week.

    But here’s my problem. I have this horrible, horrible habit of rushing into super srs relationships lightning-quick. I don’t think I want to do that right now. I can tell that our life paths are just different enough to cause some potential turmoil in the future should things go that far, and I just want to take things kinda casually? BUT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DO THAT D: Like, the handful of relationships I have had have lasted ridiculously long (first – 1.2 years, second – 2.5 years, third – 4.5 years) and I just want to take this one step at a time and if something more serious develops to go from there, but I don’t know how to flip that switch in my mind.

    Any and all advice would be super appreciated <3 <3

    1. winterbymorning +7

      I don’t have any advice, because I too get attached very quickly despite my best efforts, but I would like to say PLEASE POST PHOTOS OF YOUR CHINCHILLA.

      1. ramina +22

        UM OF COURSE, here is Admiral Rufus Q. Fuzzbutt (or just Rufus for short):

        He’s a little shit, but he’s the best.

          2. winterbymorning +1

            I want a chinchilla but 2 humans + 2 cats + 2 bunnies is quite enough for a small 1-bedroom apartment. BUT ONE DAY!

          1. ramina +5

            he is adorable yes but he is also a little shit that runs away from me constantly and likes to hide under the refrigerator :'(((((((

    2. ct330 +9

      CHINCHILLLLAAAA

      My advice for taking things one step at a time? Date lotsa people! Or, well, not lots, because that can get confusing and exhausting, but a few! I tend to do the rushing-into-things, too, and it helps if I can’t *always* be like, yes yes yes I’m super available whenever someone asks me to hang out. Also — keep you-time! It is okay to say “Sorry, that day doesn’t work for me!” and then, I don’t know, stay in and make a fancy dinner for yourself, or do some cafe reading, or take yourself on a you-date.

      1. ramina +3

        I think I will probably continue my OKC hunt for a little bit, then – someone else messaged me that I was like “eh” over initially but the more I think about them the more I’m like well maybe, it can’t hurt to meet a new person anyway (that and all of my friends know where I am and if I text them 911 at any time they are to call me, sigh). I don’t know why OKC keeps matching me with people from Brooklyn because I live on the Jersey shore! I know that as the crow flies it is close, but logically it is not!

        The me-date reminds me of the (one good) scene from The Muppets where Amy Adams starts singing Party Of One and I can absolutely get behind that.

    3. OliviaPJones +2

      Well, dating other people is one way to keep things chill, but I know that you might just be into dating this one guy and that is totally fine! When you get into a new relationship and you’re all excited and glowy, you want to be with that person 100% all the time. That works for some people and that’s cool! But not for everyone. So one way to kind of slow it down is to go on “dates” with other people, i.e. keep busy. Like there’s this movie you want to see so you bring your roommate or your best friend. And you want to go blow off steam after work so you hang out with a coworker. Or you want to go out to this new place so you take your self on a self-date. I know it sounds silly, like why are you even saying this? But it works to keep you from solidifying too quickly into This Is My Person And We Are Together Always. Of course, hanging out is awesome, and keep on hanging out! Just try to prevent yourself from doing it every single day for a little while.

  26. winterbymorning +45

    I heard one of my coworkers make some comment about how young people these days are so entitled, they expect to climb up the corporate ladder without putting the work in, oh what is to be done about these spoiled kids, etc.

    What young people are these? I’m 25 and struggling to find a permanent job in my field that would pay a decent salary. I’m 9 weeks from wrapping up my second job contract since finishing my MLIS last year because nobody is offering “permanent” contracts anymore. It’s the same situation for pretty much all my friends. But, like Jeremy so astutely pointed out in Peep Show, “I mean, there weren’t any jobs when I didn’t want a job, and now I do want a job, there are like, totally no jobs. Not just like, there aren’t any jobs, but like, there are totally, quite literally no jobs.”

    Coworker’s comment was especially galling because just minutes before she had been complaining about an employee that she supervises. Everybody knows that the man is incompetent; he can barely handle the most basic of his work tasks even though he’s been here for years. But because this is the government, and he’s been here for a long time, and he has an indeterminate contract, there is so much red tape around firing him that all of his previous supervisors decided it was less of a hassle to put up with him than to try to get him out. So he’s been coming in every day for years, doing fuck all, and collecting his paycheque (and contributing toward his government pension). But it’s the dreaded Millenials who have an overblown sense of entitlement!

    There are quite literally no jobs, and part of it is because so many jobs are taken up by idiots like that guy instead of intelligent, competent people with an actual work ethic. And consequently employers are extremely hesitant to hire people on long-term/indeterminate contracts because they don’t want to be stuck with yet more incompetent idiots that will be hard to get rid of.

    So, you know, maybe before you go shit-talking my entire generation, take a minute to think about how yours fucked up the playing field for everyone else?

    Of course I didn’t say any of this, because I am pathetically non-confrontational, so I just typed up this rant and sent angry texts to my husband and some friends.

    (Other bothersome things: there’s a mealybug infestation on some of my succulents, and it’s a pain in the ass to clean them because their leaves are so plump and dense; I slept really poorly and am currently running on 4 shots of espresso and sheer cussedness.)

    1. deleted2997279 +18

      Ugh I had a coworker say similar types of bullshit and it’s so hard to stand up for yourself but also keep the peace at work (which, obviously, you want to do, since we’re all at the bottom of the ladder!). Something I have found that sometimes works is to say “You know I’m a millenial, right?” That goes two ways – it opens up an opportunity for you to say something non-confrontational about how hard it is for you and your friends, or it gets people to STFU when they realize “Oh, wait, but winterbymorning is awesome.” This way you can educate but you don’t turn it around and make it about how awful they are and how they’re holding us back.

    2. super_novice +20

      This is my biggest, most infuriating pet peeve. I am sorry. It is my life GOAL never to complain about a younger generation. This week some older women on the ferry went on for much, much too long about how young people these days are terrible at math because computers do it all for us. How DARE we not memorize the multiplication tables!

      1. EdgarAllanPoBoy +12

        I have the same goal! Also, I refuse to say anything like, “I don’t understand this new teleportation technology! In MY day, we just took the bus!”

      2. rhymeswitheight +5

        Having computers do math for me is a gift. I know my times tables, but god, I am not doing big math at work on my own if I don’t need to.

        1. EPWordsnatcher +4

          There is NO NEED. If we get to the point where computers will not do big math for us, we are going to have bigger issues than arithmetic.

    3. Kitling +12

      I totally agree! And I don’t know about other countries but in England at least, people of my parents’ generation (the ones who complain about us) would spend around an eighth of their income on rent when they were in their twenties. We have to use around half! And that money goes to people of that same complaining generation since they bought houses when they actually used to be affordable. They lucked out, can now buy to let and make money off us. Then they have the bloody nerve to complain about how ‘entitled’ we are!! URGH.

    4. parlato1973 +11

      i’m a gen-x and it feels like everyone is always writing all this bad stuff about us too. as soon as someone isn’t part of your group, they’ll say whatever they want. all you can do is deflate them by not caring. “it must take a lot of time to, like, care about what kids are doing these days” i have said on occasion. i also tend to rail against the word “hipster” since i live in a neighborhood where people say they live, and i just see them as youth culture. like, why call them names, they’re just kids having fun.

      i don’t even know what to say about the jobs situation these days. but for people 15 years older who call you entitled you can always muse “oh yeah, i bet jobs were only a dime a dozen during the dotcom boom at the end of the 90s, you must have had to work so hard for that when the economy was all inflated and stuff.” jerks.

    5. Beakses +1

      I don’t have a solution for the coworker issue, but I can definitely recommend a systemic insecticide for your succulents (assuming you’re not planning on eating them?) Systemics basically get absorbed into the plant and kill the insects when they munch on them. I had no luck with alcohol swabs and the like on my cacti, but a systemic insecticide killed those buggers off fast.

  27. rangiferina +14

    Toasties, it’s almost October and I’m in the mood to read something spooky (or scary, or creepy, or generally ghost-y)! Any recommendations? I read The Haunting of Hill House and We Have Always Lived in the Castle last year.

    2. chnellociraptor +5

      If you haven’t already read The Turn of the Screw it’s a suuuuuper quick read and a classic!

      1. rangiferina +1

        I’m afraid Henry James and I don’t get along 🙁 though I admit I only read one novella of his (In the Cage) and that was during a definite Low Period at college, so WHO KNOWS. maybe this one will change my mind?

        1. chnellociraptor +1

          Ahhhhh well if you take issue with Henry James’ style, TotS probably won’t do much for you. I admit, it’s the only Henry James I’ve read, and it did start to wear. But I managed to finish it before it really got on my nerves, so maybe give it a go?

        2. spring chickens +2

          In the Cage is not one of Henry James’ best. Try the Turn of the Screw on a nice long evening with a cup of cocoa… I think you’ll really enjoy it (and be thrilled and chilled — it is tops for that). Writers can really range in quality from work to work, and Henry James is one of them, so don’t be put off!

    3. waitressinlove +3

      I just ordered Through the Woods by Emily Carroll and Anya’s Ghost by Vera Brosgol for my spooky reads this year (though I’m not sure how scary the second one actually is, now that I look at it).

      1. rangiferina +2

        ooh, I forgot about Through the Woods! I’ll have to pick that up… Emily Carroll is the best.

      1. rangiferina +1

        and just like that, I have a Lovecraft collection on my shelf that has been untouched for ten years. adding it to the list!

    5. paisleyLo +4

      Ooo! I really enjoyed Dan Simmons’s “Drood” – especially good if you’re into literature-themed historical fiction. Also “Ghost Writer” by John Harwood, which has a lot of my favorite trope: stories within stories. Gothic novels FTW!

    6. octopoda +2

      If Weird tales / horror is up your alley, I recommend The Weird: A Compendium of Strange and Dark Stories, a collection of weird tales gathered from authors over the past 100 or so years to present day. Lots of creepy tales in there. It is a long read but I found it really interesting and fun.

      1. Allpha7 +1

        Second on Joe Hill! Creepy and unsettling- and potentially triggering in certain works- but very good horror.

    8. PomoFrannyGlass +1

      Last year my October reading list was: Hill House, Rebecca, and Turn of the Screw. If you’ve done Rebecca, Don’t Look Now is a delightfully creepy collection!

    9. Allpha7 +3

      Oh man, I love scary stories. Here are some that kept me up at night.

      Hell House by Richard Matheson
      The Shining
      Rosemary’s Baby by Ira Levin
      The Woman in Black by Susan Hill
      Any stories from Ed and Lorraine Warren (they were portrayed in The Conjuring, and they worked with the Amityville house)

      Hope one of them will work for you!

    10. testingwithfire +4

      “The Little Stranger” by Sarah Waters freaked me the f**k out. Big old British manor house and creepy goings-on.

      Same thing for Tana French’s “Into the Woods.” Loved loved loved it.

      1. OncoMouse +6

        Yes! I was going to recommend The Little Stranger. One night, I was reading it after my partner had fallen asleep. I had to carry my cat around with me (yes, I carried my cat because a 20lb tabby is obviously ghost-proof) when I went to do my nightly check-the-locks-before-sleep routine.

        1. spring chickens +1

          I have done that, too! Or at least, cats and other pets will see the ghosts before I do and warn me, right? (That is what they say…)

        2. MaxMarvel +1

          I read it on a long train ride and my poor brain had the worst time coming back out into a sunny fall day surrounded by people. Can’t imagine reading it at night in a house.

      2. Household_Opera +3

        Oh, yes to The Little Stranger! I love Sarah Waters’ books, and I was overjoyed when she wrote a ghost story and made it creepy as hell.

      1. rangiferina +1

        not yet – I’ve been tempted, but the length (and reputation, I guess) is a little daunting! might have to give it a go, though.

    12. OliviaPJones +3

      Ghosts (not all of them scary):
      Sparrow Hill Road, Seanan McGuire
      The Haunting of Maddy Clare, Simone St. James
      The Innkeeper’s Song, Peter S. Beagle
      Tamsin, Peter S. Beagle
      Mariana, Susanna Kearsley
      The Ghost and Mrs. Muir, R.A. Dick
      A Certain Slant of Light, Laura Whitcomb

    13. laureleye +3

      White is for Witching by Helen Oyeyemi! Super creepy and super weird! Helen Oyeyemi’s work is not for everyone, I think, but the tone of Witching especially reminds me a whole lot of Mallory’s children’s stories made horrific.

  28. seapartridge +6

    Is anyone one of those Martha Stewart types who knows how to make beds with many blankets look comfortable and put-together and eclectic rather than messy and/or sad and deflated and/or dorm-like? I ended a relationship at the beginning of the summer, and I somehow didn’t realize that I would be much colder sleeping by myself under a single down comforter than with a space heater of a human being plus two down comforters plus two non-down comforters. That looked like a mess, though. Does it look silly to just… stack one down comforter on top of another? Matching duvet covers? How do I make beds look nice?!

    (I’m ALWAYS COLD. It’s very silly.)

    1. rhymeswitheight +11

      I winter I like to make up my bed with one very fuzzy warm blanket (wool if you’ve got it!) under the comforter, above the sheet. You can’t see it, so it just looks like a regular bet set up!

    2. aqueousmedium +2

      Duvet covers always seem to be bigger than the actual duvets, could you stack two duvets inside one cover?

    3. aravisthequeen +8

      Well, you can of course do whatever you like and is coziest!

      One way to make things look nice is to make the bed in increasing steps. Like, take your biggest duvet and spread it neatly all over the whole bed, flat. Take the next one and fold it in half or so it covers half the bed, the bottom half. Take the third one and fold it in fourths or thirds and place that one on top, take the last one and fold in a thin strip so it covers the bottom bit of the bed. Arrange pillows accordingly.

    4. DeepBlueC +5

      Seconding the wool (or fleece! love my fleece) blanket advice, but if you are a pajama person (and I understand if you’re not!) you could layer yourself up too. Silk long underwear tank tops were kind of life-changing for me when I discovered their existence–they layer so well when doing outdoors things, and using them by themselves as pajama shirts on cold nights is really nice too.

    5. amanita +16

      You know what is great? A hot water bottle. (I have nothing on the tidy bed front, as someone who likes lots of blankets and has sort of given up on the idea of a pretty bedroom.) You just fill it up with hot tap water and stick it down by your feet and snuggle under your blankets and it just makes it so much cozier so much faster.

      Bonus: the first time I shopped for one, I asked the clerk at the pharmacy where they were kept. He looked stricken, looked around, and then like half-whispered “They’re, uh, they’re by the douches.” I do not know where those are kept either, so I made him show me, and it was very amusing. postComment(1);

      1. embryoconcepts +2

        Hot water bottle alternative: heating pad. Turn it on, throw it to the end of the bed, and slowly drag it up through the sheets to warm them. You can also just tuck it down at the end of the bed to keep your feet warm. Try to go with one that’s auto-off, for safety.

        1. hurdyburdy +5

          I do a similar bed-warming technique with a sock full of rice. Put rice in a long sock, tie it off, heat it for a minute or two in the microwave, stick it at the foot of the bed–instant toe coziness! (Granted, this isn’t getting away from the cheap-college-student vibe so much as a cheerful embrace of it.)

          1. amanita +11

            Haha oh man I also employee Rice Sock who is basically a third person in my relationship at this point in time. “Hey, have you seen Rice Sock? Did you take him out? It’s my turn with Rice Sock!” etc. I realized we could have two Rice Socks but I’m not sure why we haven’t gone that route yet.

        2. Beakses +4

          Even better: heated mattress pad. They are not inexpensive, but I regret not one dollar we spent on ours. It is magic.

    6. renegadeoboe +1

      I put a furry, warm blanket across the end of the bed, then tuck it around my feet when I sleep. Somehow keeping my feet extra bonus warm solves most of my “ohgodfreezing” problems when sleeping alone?

    7. Absotively +1

      I have an oversized blanket that I use as the top layer, and it hides all the smaller and less-pretty blankets. My particular blanket wasn’t sold as a bedspread, it’s just inexplicably giant, but if I were looking for a new oversized top layer I would probably look at bed spreads.

    8. thecaitd +1

      I have two warm throw blankets that are the same color but different textures (one is fuzzy and one is crocheted). I spread those on top of my comforter that has a duvet in a coordinating color/pattern, and then I stack my pillows on top (those also are in a different coordinating color/pattern). As long as you mix patterns/textures but keep the same color palette, it looks pretty Martha-y!

    9. blushingflower +2

      Flannel sheets, then several layers of blankets (not comforters, actual honest-to-god blankets), then the comforter on top, like the icing on a multi-layered cake. Or you can have several layers of folded blankets at the foot of the bed, especially if the coordinate with the rest of the bedding. – they don’t have to match, just be in the same color family or in a complementary color.

    10. deleted6707794 +3

      I use a heated mattress pad in the winter. It is fantastic and mine has several settings so I can set it to warm or hot.

      1. Beakses +1

        The best! I should have read all the way down before adding my vote for heated mattress pads. They are magical and I should have owned one years ago.

    11. spring chickens +2

      aravisthequeen is right about folding techniques. Everybody else covered warmth, so I will cover style!

      You can have fun with colors and get something that makes you look happy when you look at your bed. The easiest way to make it all look pulled together is have one duvet be solid color, the other a pattern. If you can, have the solid color be a color that is a minor color in your pattern — this will make the pattern pop. (People usually make the mistake of matching the most frequent color in the pattern, which is blah). Since you’ve got one duvet already, just match something to what you’ve got. You could also get two bright complementary colors — like a blue or green with an orange, pink or red — that is very happy!

      If you really want warmth, go for a goose-down duvet — super high quality, pretty allergenic, eco-friendly, and crazy-warm! They have nice ones at garnet hill (if a little pricey).

    12. Nausikaa

      I’m sure this is an annoying question, but are you absolutely sure your thyroid is okay? Being hypothyroid makes you cold, so if you’re genuinely always cold, in situations where other people aren’t, it might be something to check.

  29. aqueousmedium +16

    In the past week over the span of 48 hours I broke a wineglass, a screen door, my glasses, and my apartment was broken into. If the universe is trying to convey a message it can fuck right off.

    However, my cat was unhurt and did not escape during the break-in. My friends, who are the best people in the world outside The Toast, descended in droves with booze. And while it will be inconvenient and expensive to replace the stuff that was stolen, at this point in my life I have the money to do so. I was also delighted to discover that the police B&E unit in my city actively trolls Kijiji looking for stolen goods, so I wish them all the luck in the world.

    Tonight: pizza and All The Wine. How are you soothing life’s injuries, fellow Toasties?

    1. Bryn (Plus Others) +4

      Ugh I am sorry for that 48 hours! That really sucks.

      I am planning to soothe life’s injuries tonight by eating gua bao if the right food truck is available. And even if it is not we will still be outside at night with lights and music and things, which sounds very nice right now.

  31. teresamackadoo +7

    Did anyone else see Roxane Gay at City Lights last night? I had to run right at 8 so I didn’t get my book signed or really get to meet any Toasties who might have been in attendance, but she was impressive and funny and generally delightful.

    1. paperbgprincess +1

      Yes, I was there! I was early and up in front and like, tenth in the signing line. I had a great time! I thought about wearing my toast tshirt as a bat signal but then I forgot.

  32. Faintly_Macabre +14

    In more misandry news, the Pennsylvania Attorney General (a woman, woo) was made to release sexually explicit emails sent between various state agencies from 2008 to 2012. I’ve been following this because our DEP head, who got his job by being a buddy of our horrible governor and who doesn’t believe in climate change (yay Pennsylvania!), is one of the people involved. Today, various news outlets released summaries of what was in those emails and who sent/got them.

    Here’s a classy excerpt:
    “The e-mails include photos and videos of women and men engaged in oral sex, anal sex, and intercourse. The videos have titles such as “Cigar,” “Chin strap,” “Golf Ball washer,” and “Rocking Horse.” The photographs included naked women and motivational posters, with slogans such as “Devotion” and “Willingness,” that depicted women performing sex acts on their male bosses.”

    I try so hard not to get bitter and cynical, because I do have a lot of wonderful men in my life. But man, sometimes it’s really tough.

    2. robotneedslove +15

      This is terrible, but I got a kick out of imagining they were explicit emails between actual state agencies.

      Like, “Dear Department of BIG D-fence”, “I’d like to PROBE-ation your board” etc.

  33. rubeseatsinfo +15

    Toastitos, I have a very lame thing to ask advice on.

    How do I get over feeling too square?

    We started hanging with some lovely people who are very free-wheeling and lovely. They are polyamorous and adventurous and experiment with substances etc. These are not things I want to do, or have an interest in, but I am very cool with them rocking on with their bad selves as long as they don’t hurt anyone. Which they don’t! And they seem to be cool with us being quieter monogamous folk, although I think there is a mutual “I do not 100% understand why you like what you like, but cool” vibe going on.

    So how do I chill out? Hanging with them is awesome, but I’ve noticed my social anxiety goes on high vibrate because I am worried about making anybody feel judged or like my disagreement with activities is coming from anywhere but personal preference. And then I feel weird about feeling weird, in that amazing cycle of social anxiety that usually spirals until I go home to play Pokemon in bed under the duvet.

    I’ve never been the square in a group of nice lovely people before (being the square among jerks is easy because, hey, jerks be jerks).

    1. Bryn (Plus Others) +8

      Are you close enough to any of these people yet to tell them how you are feeling? NOT because it is their problem (which you obviously know) but because — at least for me — being able to say how I am in the moment is what helps me not get frozen like that. Or since you say ‘We’ I am guessing you have a compatriot in these hangouts, and maybe telling them in the moment ‘So anxious!’ would help?

      But the other thing I would say, thinking about it, is that you might think about why it is you feel like you have so much power? Even if you were judging them quietly to yourself (which you are clear you are not), why does that lead into a spiral of social anxiety? I feel like I am not saying this very well, but you know, you are not responsible for them being comfortable in themselves or having a good time or providing them with Critical Validation. If you are /doing/ anything someone doesn’t like, I am sure they will say it to you; you do not need to be policing your feelings in case you have the wrong one. There are no wrong feelings; they are just the weather inside your brain.

      1. rubeseatsinfo +5

        Yeah, my partner has been great about being like “it’s cool man” and telling me I’m doing great in the moment. It’s also good to remind myself that other people don’t care what I feel nearly as much as my anxiety brain likes to pretend. Thanks!

    2. aravisthequeen +14

      If you figure it out, let me know. I have many friends who are infinitely cooler than me and do all kinds of insanely cool things and it’s difficult because I an the mayor of Squaresville, and I feel hopelessly rube-y next to them. Like they’re all off doing mega-exciting work things and traveling to Asia and stuff like that, and I’m like “Would anyone like to hear about my new house and the excellent pork I cooked last night? No?”

      Generally my attitude is just to stay as positive as possible about things they are excited about and act with genuine interest when speaking. So I mean, if your friends have just returned from, I don’t know, an acid convention in Argentina where they all mutually had sex with six other people at once while dropping acid and watching Madonna music videos, I’d just stick with “Wow, that sounds crazy and exciting!” and ASK them (nicely) about it. As a rule people LOVE to talk about themselves and stuff they do, and it’s a good way to show interest and nodding and smiling is rarely misconstrued. Get them talking about their experiences, and I think they’ll like to talk with you, which will hopefully key down your anxiety a bit?

      I feel you on this though.

      1. CleverManka +10

        In all honesty, I would rather hear about the excellent pork you cooked last night than I would actually go to Asia.

        So. Tell me about this pork because I just had some pork steak leftovers from earlier this week and they were fucking delicious and Christ Almighty I love pork.

        1. aravisthequeen +5

          Excellent Pork Recipe

          1 pork tenderloin
          1 tbsp chili powder
          1 tsp salt
          1 tsp oreano
          1/2 tsp ground black pepper
          1/2 tsp cumin
          1/4 tsp red pepper

          Let the pork stand and get up to room temperature, about 30 minutes. Grease a pan big enough for it and heat oven to 450. Mix all the spices together and put them on a wax sheet, then roll the pork in it so it’s coated nice and thick all over. Put it in the pan, roast it 25 or 30 minutes or until done. Let it stand five or ten miuntes, cut into slices, enjoy.

          Dead easy, fast, super tasty. Adjust spices to your preference. Make it and enjoy. It goes really well with sweet potatoes, cranberries, and any other sort of autumn-y side dish.

          In the interests of full disclosure my mom got this recipe out of like, Taste of Home, or Southern Living, or Good Housekeeping or some other mom-type magazine, years and years ago.

      2. rubeseatsinfo +10

        Thank you for reminding me of the when frightened socially, just get interested in not-you rule. It is the best rule!

      3. OliviaPJones +4

        Ha, yes. People keep asking me what I did over the weekend because they expect that I did something other than “read three books and two articles, wrote a book review and suffered from self-doubt.”

    3. ramina +9

      I actually get that quite a lot because I am straight edge and do not drink/smoke/whatever and I always feel like a) people are judging me because I don’t, or b) people think I am judging them because they do. And that’s not the case! I just want to hang out and laugh!

      Are there any hobbies that you all have that overlap? I’ve noticed that like, playing a board game or going to cool restaurant for dinner or something like that helps calm my chronic unease.

    4. paddlepickle +11

      I feel like I’ve been on both sides of this, because I have one group of friends where I’m a little squarer than everyone and one where I’m a little bit more adventurous. . .so sometimes I feel like when I’m with one group, they’re judging me for not doing ecstasy with them and with the other they’re judging me for telling a story about an orgy. But, then I remember, these people are spending time with me on purpose! I think the wild kids like that I’m kind of grounded and the other group likes it that I drag them to weird art shows. I think the only thing to do is to remember that if people say they like you, they probably do! And having been on both sides, I can also say that I don’t judge my friends that spend Friday nights doing E or my friends who spend Friday nights playing Scrabble.

      1. rubeseatsinfo +4

        You are right! I will remember my friends who might feel that way about me (being as I am non-religious and loud) and be like “pfft I love them”. 🙂

    5. HotDoom +6

      It doesn’t sound like you are being a square, just that you’ve made friends with people who choose different choices than you. Have they made you feel like you’re being odd or acted judged upon for not partaking in the same activities they do? As long as they respect your choices the way you are respecting theirs, keep in mind that they like you the way you are now as a person, minus the substances and polyamory, and vice versa.
      I don’t really have much in the way of advice to offer up here, because I’ve felt similarly with certain groups of friends who use drugs when we’re out, so I’m curious to hear other responses.

      1. rubeseatsinfo +2

        You’re right. It’s not like I was like “OH I’M THE SWINGENEST SWINGER WHOO” and then suddenly shifted gears. Thanks.

    6. super_novice +17

      If it helps, I am more like your friends, and I always think people are really cool when they don’t partake in shit if they don’t want to. Like it takes a pretty bad-ass person to shrug and be like “have fun, but no thanks!” I think it happens to be much more square to just go with the flow than to know what you’re not interested in.

    7. Absotively +7

      Sometimes learning a bit more about the adventurous things that I don’t have any interest in doing helps me feel less like I’m in a totally different universe from the non-square people I hang out with.

      For learning about substances specifically, I found DanceSafe’s drug info super helpful. It’s very factual, and it doesn’t gloss over the dangers of various drugs, but it also doesn’t exaggerate the dangers or encourage judgement of people who use drugs. Reading it helped me change my (silent, internal) reactions from “OMG, you used WHAT?” to “oh, ok, not my thing but whatever,” which made hanging out with folks who use more drugs much less stressful.

      I do think reading about polyamory and urban exploring also helped me with hanging out with polyamorous and adventurous people, but I don’t have specific links for those.

    8. ach_so +7

      I think you just have to accept that you’re kinda square because that’s what you like, that’s what works for you, and that’s okay (<- that’s the key, I think, that your decisions are OKAY because they’re yours and you don’t need to feel bad or weird about them.) I don’t know if that makes any sense, so I will share how it applied to me: toward the beginning of this year, I finally just embraced that I don’t really like “going out” at night. It’s a production, it’s expensive, I often feel pressure to look a certain way, and, more than anything, I just plain ol’ don’t want to! And I had always felt this silly, mild guilt that I wasn’t taking advantage of the ~awesome~ NYC nightlife. Now, I don’t feel guilty, and I make it clear to my friends with a smile on my face that I would love to hang out with them, just not at midnight on a Friday.

      1. rubeseatsinfo +4

        I think this kind of hit it. Sometimes I feel bad for having different ideas of what I like/need, like I’m being difficult, but I should probably just chill out on myself. 🙂 Thanks.

      2. thecaitd +5

        Ugh I live in NYC and have this guilt too. What helps is for me to ask myself “If I turn down this invitation to go out on the town where I only have like a 40% chance of enjoying myself, will I regret missing out on the nightlife aspect, or will I actually regret missing out on interacting with other people?” It’s usually the second one, so then I just plan something where I’ll get to interact with people without, as I like to describe it, being stuffed into a sardine can full of finance bros. Honestly most of those sardine can-type bars are way too loud and crowded to actually interact with other humans anyway.

    9. CleverManka +11

      I used to be the party girl. Man, I boozed it up, smoked it up (smoked all of it up), slept around, danced half naked in public places and generally just tore it the fuck up until I contracted an autoimmune disease in my early 30s. Now I am the designated driver that nobody actually uses because I go to bed at 9:30 even on the weekends.

      Let me tell you, if those lovely people are actually lovely people and not judgey hipster assholes overcompensating for their own lack of confidence, they don’t care one bit about your fuddy-duddiness. They are cool with you being you and still enjoying them being them. Now, if those lovely people aren’t actually lovely people and are judgey hipster assholes overcompensating for their own lack of confidence, well you’ll find out soon enough and you can just forget them.

      1. rubeseatsinfo +3

        You are right. Thank you. 🙂 I guess I partially needed a pat and a “not EVERYONE has to be the life of the party”.

    10. robotneedslove +6

      I bet you that you’re free-wheeling friends have done some hard work on themselves and are confident in their choices, so I would not worry at all about them worrying about you judging them. Be nice, be pleasant, be interested in their stories. You only have to “disagree” with someone’s activities when they ask you to join them. Unless they are actually making choices that you are judging (like when someone told me about how much she likes to steal from WalMart. I’m judging her), then you can just be like “wow! cool! neato!”. No disagreement needs to be voiced.

      Is it possible that you are feeling judged?

      1. rubeseatsinfo +4

        Yeah, by disagreement I guess I meant… We are still in the stage where they are like “We have a rule that you gotta be this drunk at our party times!” jokingly and I am like “haha well as long as the rule’s posted, that way I know when I gotta go home or risk THE LAW on me”.

    11. allanaaa +5

      As a free-wheeling adventurous etc. person I would want you to know that I would love it if you would listen to my stories without disdain just ’cause I have to preamble everything with an explanation of a relationship dynamic or certain predilections. Those stories are arduous to tell, and especially arduous if you are tilting your head at me.

      What I’m saying is, the social anxiety is there on both sides. Because maybe our stories are actually funny, but it can feel like we’re bragging about crazy shit when really we’re just trying to relate an interesting situation.

      1. rubeseatsinfo +2

        I think I am doing that pretty well! I restrain myself to an “oh man!” in surprise if it’s particularly crazy, is that okay?

    12. annesedney +3

      If it helps, I have several friendships where I’m on the other side of this (I’m the more free-wheeling, substance-indulging one) and I get anxious wondering if I’m making my more “square” friends uncomfortable, or if they’re judging me, or whatever. Social anxiety for everyone!
      I think being judicious in what kind of activities you do together can help. Like, when I’ve been at parties with my “square” friends I’ve worried a lot about whether I should offer them some of whatever I’m taking, or whether they’re having fun, etc. But I don’t have those types of concerns when we do a board game night or go on a hike or just go to dinner.
      And overall, I try to remind myself that if they were uncomfortable with me they probably wouldn’t continue to hang out with me, and I think that would apply for you and your friends as well!

  34. anninyn +65

    Look at my face. Look at my hair, that I shaved even further up. Look at my lip piercing. Tell me I’m pretty and cool and stylish because I feel gross and cowlike today.

    1. paperbgprincess +8

      You are pretty and cool and stylish and I LOVE your hair!!! I also love your glasses and your face!

    2. thisclimbingbean +12

      You are VERY pretty and cool and stylish. I would feel nervous talking to you, due to the coolness you exude, because I am sitting here in a man’s tshirt and holey jeans and my mother’s hand-me-down socks.

    6. PonyAlong +5

      I DIG your lip piercing, your glasses and your guts; shaving one’s hair takes courage and total fortitude (and it looks banging!).

    8. embryoconcepts +5

      Fantastic spectacles choice, lovely skin, wondrous shiny curls, beautiful eyes. You are lovely.

    9. viviennestreet +4

      Your hair looks really smooth and shiny and if I saw you in real life I would sneakily admire it from afar.

        1. alicia +3

          Pffft, whatevs (says the woman who grew up in a sunny climate and has the skin damage to show for it).

    11. CleverManka +9

      That higher shave line looks great. It looked good before, but now it’s like your cowlick/flip is just perfectly integrated and it looks…well, really right and natural.

      In other words: LOOKIN’ GOOD.

    12. deleted2997279 +3

      I love your head. Everything about it. Hair, face, piercing, glasses, expression, bone structure – hand it over.

  35. lesliejroot +18

    I had a pretty normal week, except that my little brother felt the need to bring up, publicly, once again, how “arrogant” he thinks I am for being vegetarian (and specifically how arrogant it was of me to have a vegetarian wedding, instead of serving my guests the piles of meat they clearly wanted and needed for a breakfast wedding). For a stupid comment that makes no logical sense, this interaction has shown a suprising ability to completely wreck my week.

    Toastrons, how do you deal with stupid conflicting feelings of being deeply angry at your siblings for how they treat you/sad that you don’t really like them at all/guilty that you should really like them more and you know your parents feel bad that you don’t get along/like you’re in the wrong and you should be making more of an effort to make them like you/despair because you know that there’s basically nothing you could do short of being a man and exactly like them that would make them like you?

    1. anninyn +24

      I’m sorry your brother is being a dick.

      Remember that in situations like this one, the things he is saying are rarely going to be about you, but about him. What he is telling you is that he feels inferior in the face of your sticking to your principles, and that he doesn’t like it when people make different choices to him.

      You already know this comment makes no sense. I think you should stop fighting your feelings on this subject – of course it hurts, and makes you angry, he’s family. But remember it’s not about you, and if it really helps know that THIS meat eater wouldn’t care if you fed her vegetarian at a wedding or other social event. Your social event, your rules.

    2. Bryn (Plus Others) +8

      Your little brother is being ridiculous, it is your wedding, you got to do it like you wanted to do it. He is just being rude and disrespectful.

      And of COURSE you are having all those huge feelings! It is a hard place to be! I think you deal with them like any set of feelings; you breathe, and do what is good for your body (feelings happen in our bodies no matter what our brains might tell us) and get enough sleep and take very good care of yourself. It is a pity that your little brother treats you like that, but it is not anything that is in your control, and the onus is NOT ON YOU to fix it or change it. I am sorry your parents are sad about it — I am sure I will be sad if my children grow up not to like each other — but you and your siblings are all your own people and it is not your job to make your parents (or anyone else) happy by pretending to get along when you don’t.

      If you are looking for specific scripts and things, try Captain Awkward!

      1. lesliejroot +10

        Thank you!

        The part that’s hard for me is the “I don’t owe it to my parents to have a better relationship with my siblings.” Without digging too deep into the gender dynamics of how we were raised etc. etc., I just… kind of do feel like it’s my job to ameliorate and pacify and play nice. I recognize that that’s messed up, but it’s still a challenge.

      2. elsamac +8

        the onus is NOT ON YOU to fix it or change it. I am sorry your parents are sad about it

        THIS IS YES.

        And, y’know, if your parents are sad that you and your brother don’t get along, they should concentrate their energy on the one who is spouting such disrespectful, unkind nonsense instead of expecting you to suck it up and make nice to him. You have zero responsibility to cheerfully endure his insults to make the family happy.

    3. highjump +6

      I have a similar problem along the mother-daughter axis. We’re just very different.

      Honestly, I just don’t talk to her much, especially not on the phone. We text and email. Things like holidays have gotten so so so much better over the years. There is hope for your brother to accept that different people make different choices.

      I also have some other mother figures in my life which keeps me from feeling like I am just a failure at that type of a relationship. If you feel like you have enough close relationships in your life I would try not to let yourself feel too guilty about it. (easier said than done, i know)

      1. lesliejroot +2

        Oof. Sorry to hear that. I do hope holidays get better; two Christmases ago he threatened to punch my boyfriend (now husband). Last Christmas was tense, but better.

        1. spring chickens +2

          whoa, that is some straight-up unacceptable behavior. Did your parents witness it, I hope?

          Maybe talking is exhausted, but I would try at least once, at a moment that is separate from any ongoing quarrel, to sit him down and look in his eyes and say, hey, brother, the way you have been speaking to me lately makes me feel unloved, and I want to change our dynamic so that we get along better and can be family to one another. You and I are different people who make different choices, and that is completely normal and I need you to accept that instead of making judgmental comments or taking it personally… or something along those lines. I would give it at least one shot before going the route of dialing down all interactions, just so you’ve planted a seed that is loving but that also makes clear what the problem from your point of view is, so that he really knows and maybe can reflect on it a year or two, make changes, if not now then eventually. He is your brother, after all, so the time scale is a little different than with a friendship.

    5. rubeseatsinfo +9

      I repeat to myself the mantra I also use as a “this discussion is dropped” mantra.

      I love my family, but I’ve made __ choice because it is right for me and will bring me the most happiness. I’ve considered X’s point of view, but I’ve made my decision and will not be changing it. I respect that you feel differently and I’m sorry if that causes you frustration/anxiety/sadness.

      And then I reaffirm that other people’s feels about my life are things that they need to work through if I’m not willing to change ___, and that I’m not responsible for how they choose to work through that.

    6. shinkickmorning +6

      my brother and I tend to have screaming fights followed by olive branch tequila shots. We don’t talk a bunch, but at 30 he’s finally learned how to reply to my text messages, which is really nice. The aforementioned loud screaming fights have established which topics we should probably avoid, and which ones are good for when we hang out.

      I would probably just tell your brother that he’s being an ass, and that he needs to get over himself and pack his own bacon if it’s that important to him that meat be consumed at EVERY MEAL of EVERY DAY of his life. Bully him into being nicer to you, it may not be a super great close friendship of siblinghood, but it won’t make you miserable to be around him.

    7. EdgarAllanPoBoy +7

      I’m the youngest of a large family and despite being alive for 3 decades get treated like I’m a four year old whose ideas are “cute” and eye-rolling, so the best I can do is just ignore them. It’s how I deal with any type of bully, really, which sucks, but I don’t give into the idea that BLOOD TIES equal HAVING TO PUT UP WITH HEARING THAT MY HUSBAND’S ACCENT ISN’T “TOO THICK”.

      It helps that we barely see each other, having our own sub-families and living across the U.S. So, I guess I have no answer for you but to realize that despite growing up with one another and sharing parents, you won’t “get” or even like one another. And to focus on the family members and friends who do love your vegetarian wedding. My siblings mocked me for being barefoot at mine but how else are my feet tattoos going to get in the photos?

    8. thebellewitch +8

      How old is your brother? About 99 percent of interactions between my brother and I were negative before he hit about 25 and I hit about 30, but we’ve both since mellowed and stopped taking each other so personally. Any chance he’ll age out of asshole-dom?

      Otherwise, it’s a process of letting it go, finding the place where you can stand each other and avoiding topics where you can’t. Don’t get sucked into stupid arguments or react to his provocations. He says it’s arrogant for you not to serve meat? Say, “I’m sorry you feel that way” or just “Hmmm.” in as calm and bored a voice as you can and disengage. Do this enough times and you’ll eventually start to feel as over it as you’re acting.

      That being said, if he persists in treating you poorly, it’s not your job to fix it. His actions are what are causing you not to like him; that’s on him, not you.

      1. lesliejroot +9

        I’m 30; he’s 26. So he may still mature. But he’s an officer in the military, as is my older brother, and it doesn’t seem to have done much for either of them in the way of teaching them kindness and respect for others.

        1. thebellewitch +6

          Wow, we’re basically the same person, except that I don’t have an older brother. Mine is a military officer, too, and enjoys commenting on my vegetarianism. The military matured my bro a bit, but he was in a frat before that, so there wasn’t really anywhere to go but up.

          All I can say is I’ve mostly let go of having a close relationship, and just aim for decent. But he’s got to meet you halfway or you’re just going to be torturing yourself. I think my mom may have guilted my brother about being nice to me at some point.

    9. Battle_Swine +14

      I have no siblings, so I can’t contribute on that front. However, I also had a vegetarian wedding, and my then-roommate went for the “You really shouldn’t be forcing your own worldviews on other people” approach, which made me so upset. Because that obviously is NOT what I was doing, and obviously not what YOU are doing either. One man during the reception also had the nerve to ask my mother, of all people, where all the hamburgers were. So I’m basically just commenting to say that I can empathize and I support you!

      2. elsamac +5

        my then-roommate went for the “You really shouldn’t be forcing your own worldviews on other people”

        UGH THIS IS SO MUCH BULLSHIT

        Not least because it presumes that the other choice is politically and socially neutral. Serving meat (which I eat cheerfully once in a while; I have zero vegetarian bonafides) is the default in the dominant culture, but that ubiquity doesn’t make it neutral. Whatever you serve, you are to some extent “forcing your worldviews on other people” and any meat-eater who doesn’t know that is either impossibly obtuse or willfully ignorant.

        My longtime vegetarian husband and I planned and cooked a gorgeous vegetarian buffet for our wedding: squash and caramelized onion tartlets, spinach pastry crescents, mushroom turnovers, a simple salad of greens with cheese and fruit, a heartier salad of roasted chilled vegetables, giant platters of fancy cheeses with bread and crackers and fruit and candied nuts, a mezze of hummus and feta and olives and pickled and fresh vegetables and pita, and a few other trifles here and there.

        Aaaaand then The Fella decided that we had to have meat “to make people happy” and added a few cold-cut platters. Which is fine, but it made me sad that he felt he had to do it, as if the incredible spread we planned together wouldn’t be good enough. Who is so hung up on meat that they would feel incomplete without seeing it offered at every occasion?

        1. thecaitd +12

          Can I just say that your wedding buffet was basically a Redwall feast and I would have gladly, gladly snapped up all those turnovers without a thought to meat.

        2. Steph +6

          OMG that menu sounds amaaaaaaaazing.

          And I, perhaps uncharitably, assume that people who get shirty that way are wilfully ignorant rather than impossibly obtuse.

        3. Battle_Swine +7

          First of all, your vegetarian buffet sounds awesome and beautiful, so well done. And second, YES THANK YOU re: people feeling incomplete without having meat at every occasion. And the worldview bullshit. Like, it was OUR wedding, not forcing anything on anybody, just doing what makes US happy. And, like you, we had tables full of delightful and delicious food. The complainers, they just kill me.

          1. Battle_Swine +1

            That sounded… snottier, or something, than I intended it to. Apparently I still have Feelings about this.

      3. Steph +3

        Right, because eating meat is the Only Right And Proper Worldview and so doesn’t count when people lecture and wheedle you about it. HRMPH.

        Veg solidarity! *fistbumps all around*

      4. spring chickens +3

        Seriously. Somebody is offering you food! and invited you to a celebration they made for you to enjoy with them! This is a GIFT, not “forcing your world views on somebody else.”

        And, honestly, this may be regional/cultural, but it wouldn’t occur to me to tot up what was being offered as food on my little calculator and figure out that none of it was meat and that this was therefore a vegetarian wedding; I wouldn’t even notice most likely, let alone think it is worth comment. Who is even obsessing about that kind of thing, was there this or was there that, as long as it’s all good, celebratory food!

    10. Steph +5

      I have no wisdom on sibling relations (only child, over here) but Jesus H. Christ do I ever get angry about non-vegetarians getting pouty and guilt-tripy about someone else not serving them meat. Heaven forfend that animals are not consumed at each and every meal! If he’s that bent out of shape about it, he should have his requisite meat before or afterwards. Your event, your catering, your menu. >:(

      Plus, it’s breakfast! There are so many tasty vegetarian breakfast foods! Waffles! Pancakes! French toast! Eggs eight zillion possible ways! Nice yogurt! Fresh fruit!

      1. elsamac +7

        Riiiiiight? A friend of mine was laughing about how he’d never, ever had a vegetarian meal and I went off on him with unexpected vigor: “Oh, really? You’ve never had a breakfast without sausage or bacon? You’ve never had a grilled cheese sandwich and bowl of tomato soup? You’ve never has a bean quesadilla or a peanut-butter sandwich? You’ve never had macaroni and cheese for dinner? Or spaghetti without meat sauce? You’ve never had a single meal in your life without meat in it? Well, aren’t you unusual.”

        Of course he’s had a zillion vegetarian meals in his life; he didn’t consider those as vegetarian meals because they weren’t chockful of meat analogs and self-righteousness, which is too many meat-eaters think are characteristic of vegetarian foods and vegetarians alike, though I have seen much, much more at-the-table bullying and open criticism of vegetarians by meat-eaters than the other way around.

  36. aravisthequeen +55

    TOAST! I bought a house! Well, my husband and I together. We get the keys this afternoon!

    This week has been an absolute shitstorm in many ways but my husband is a rock, my little house is DELIGHTFUL and I can’t wait to move in (today! Tomorrow! Sunday!) and I am just generally so pleased. Having a really excellent place to go home to is going to make my godawful job seem much better.

    (at my job this week my boss started sending out super spammy emails that say things like “$AVE MORE” in three different colours and fonts, and my incapable coworker is still incapable and thinks we should start fax marketing stuff. I want a new job SO BADLY.)

    1. EPWordsnatcher +3

      New house=shorter commute, maybe?

      We have discussed this, but those $AVE MORE emails are the worst and your boss is going to be the downfall of our society.

    3. Battle_Swine +1

      Yay! Congratulations! My husband and I just bought our first house last month. It has been hard but exciting work!

    4. Steph +1

      Congratulations on the house! That is super exciting!

      On the upside with the fax machine, at least faxes are basically a relic of the past, and so hopefully not many people’d actually receive coworker’s marketing efforts? Fingers crossed for a new job for you, though — sounds like you need one.

  37. rallisaurus +8

    Okay Toasties. It’s tights season! Let’s talk!

    I got some tights in Belgium last year that are seriously the best tights ever!! Okay, well the crotch is kind of big, but when you’re sized out of most tights in America that is a new/fun problem to have. The sad thing is that I don’t remember the store where I bought them or the brand so these are basically my precious. I’m waiting for Sock Dreams to do some restocking and then I will go on a tights-frenzy, but I can always use more recommendations! I’m particularly interested in patterned or printed tights.

    In life news, I had a stressful week, both good and bad. The lowlight was having my doctor treat my like garbage and scoff at my ideas. Sooo…she will be my former doctor. But the highlight was having a work friend that I can actually talk to about real shit and it makes me so happy!
    And in random but fun news, I’m going to try to teach myself to weave! Any weaver Toasties out there who have advice?

    1. ramina +4

      We Love Colors!!! They don’t have much in the way of patterns, unfortunately, but their solid color choice/stripes can’t be beat. And their size range is faaaaaaabulous.

    2. winterbymorning +4

      FLEECE-LINED TIGHTS. FLEECE-LINED TIGHTS ARE AMAZING. I was able to wear dresses last winter with minimal discomfort.

      I love cute patterned tights, but I tend to wreck them very fast, so hard to justify to myself spending $15+ dollars on a pair of well-made ones.

      1. waitressinlove +1

        Sorry, after looking, it seems this store has gotten way more into actual socks since I ordered from them. They only have a couple of styles of tights now. Boo.

    4. super_novice +1

      H&M tights are the best. I buy them religiously every year and wear the shit out of them. Even the thin ones that some wrong, incorrect people might call ‘pantyhose’ last me two years.

    6. maryling83 +1

      Since no one else replied to you about the weaving part of your comment, I don’t feel silly coming in twentygajillion hours later. Do you have a loom and if so what kind? I’ve got a rigid heddle and can probably scrounge up some useful links for it.

      1. rallisaurus +1

        I’m borrowing a friend’s Asford Knitters Loom, which I’m pretty sure is a rigid heddle loom? But I’m a complete newbie. Like, I think I know warp and weft, and that’s about it. I was just going to leap in, but any advice would be greatly appreciated!

  38. thinwireoflightning +6

    Well, I’d like to thank the people who were giving me advice about weightlifting a month or so ago, because I’ve been having a great time. It’s been a great stress reliever and I’ve met some cool women at the gym. Until now I’ve been doing sets of five or ten. I think I’ve gotten to the point where I should figure out what I can actually lift. You know, my one-rep max/1RM. Does anyone have any advice for this stuff? I’m worried about failing with a big weight. I know I can squat about 60% of my body weight for 5 reps (and I’m still moving that higher) and bench 25% for 5. Do I just… guess a weight? Should I try and find a spotter?

    1. Goomaly +6

      Not sure it’s necessary to know your 1-rep max. If you’re just curious, definitely have someone spot you.

    2. rkfire +4

      That is awesome you’ve been doing strength training! My question for you on this (and I love testing my 1RM) goes to Goomaly’s question below though: why exactly are you doing this? Do you just want to test your limits? Are you planning to start a new program that makes workout recommendations based off of your 1RM? Just curious about that, cause that will help you think about how aggressive you want to be when testing.

      Generally speaking though:
      -spotters are helpful
      -do you know how to bail weight? (if this is something you want to be bale to do, I’d suggest practicing with lighter weight. It’s easy, but it takes some getting use to.) Are there precautions in place (bumper plates, rubber mats) that would allow you to bail weight in case there aren’t spotters?
      -a good starting place is doing one rep with the heaviest weight you’ve done with a set of five

      By the way, if you’ve been doing some sort of linear progression (like Starting Strength or something similar) I would suggest finishing out your progression/going as high as you can with your sets of five until you hit a plateau, and then test. If you’re new to strength training it might be a bit earlier to test your “true” 1RM.

      1. thinwireoflightning +1

        Thanks for the advice! I don’t have a new routine in mind yet, this is just to test my limits. So maybe I should wait for a “true” 1RM. I’m definitely not plateau’d out with my squats, but my progression has slowed or stopped for arms/upper body stuff (especially biceps). I haven’t failed with a squat yet, so I’ve never had to bail. My gym has some mats and elevated resting bars (don’t know what they’re actually called) near the squat rack.

        What’s the etiquette for spotters? Do I find someone who works at the gym or do I just ask someone who’s taking a break?

        1. rkfire +3

          I think the unspoken suggestions for spotters are:
          -find people you generally trust–both gym employees and lifters are okay
          -let them know what you’re trying to do, just so they know when they need to step in
          -decide on agreed upon signal for when they need to step in a help. it could be as something as simple as you saying “help” if you’re stuck, but I think this is crucial since sometimes people step in too soon when the lifter is simply trying to grind out the lift, and then the lifter gets cranky. no one wants to be on either side of that, but no spotter wants to be a bystander for someone being hurt either.

    3. Genevievenumba4 +5

      Have you learned how to fail on these lifts? I would suggest doing that first, at lighter weights, and yeah, have a spotter, I guess? I don’t lift alone, so my advice here is limited. There are 1RM calculators available on the web, but it varies from person to person (I think usually 10-20% over your 5RM?).

      BUT if you’ve only been lifting a month, I don’t think I would try to figure out 1RMs yet. Everything I’ve been told indicates that for the first few months your body is still figuring everything out. How are you on form? Have you had anyone check it?

      1. thinwireoflightning +1

        Thank you! Yeah, some of the trainers at the gym have looked over my form. I did some cardio weightlifting workouts before I moved into strength, so I had a bit of practice on the way in.

        I’ve failed bicep curls and bench presses, but I had light weights on I could sort of… drop in a controlled way.

        1. Genevievenumba4 +4

          I think there’s lots of helpful YouTube videos on how to bail from a back squat, but it looks easier to do that the first time with like 95# rather than 160# (or whatever).

          Failing the barbell bench can be kinda scary! I like the idea of not putting the little clamp things on the end of the bar so you can theoretically just tip one side over, but…some of those bars are sticky, and I would rather have a spotter than be one of those dudes on YouTube who breaks all the ribs. (Maybe don’t watch those?)

    4. CleverManka +1

      Yes yes yes on everything said above.

      I am so happy for you and your new-found love of weightlifting!!!

  39. Bryn (Plus Others) +4

    Any Spanish-speaking Toastrons out there who would be willing to give me last-minute help with my daughter’s birthday invitations? I can of course just use Google Translate but that seems kind of nerve-wracking. 🙂

    I would love to know the appropriate American Spanish for:
    “no gifts please” (if there’s a better phrase I’d love to hear it; I know people use ‘your presence is present enough’ but well that’s a language joke!)
    “pottery will be provided” or maybe “craft will be provided” — we’re meeting at a pottery studio and I want to make sure everyone knows they don’t have to pay for the pottery. 🙂

    I am sure I am TOTALLY over-thinking this but oh god we have to get these finished and handed out at the end of the school day today ack!

    1. robotneedslove +15

      Definitely don’t write “BUENOS CUMPLEANOS” on your chalk board like I did for my roommate’s birthday, unless you want your Spanish speaking friends to shout GOOD BIRTHDAY at you for the whole party.

    2. cornpancake +6

      I would say “Por favor, no traigan regalos,” and “La ceramica sera incluida” (with appropriate accent marks that I don’t know how to do here) or maybe like “Nosotros pagaremos la ceramica,” which doesn’t sound super fancy but will get your point across.

  40. cosmia +17

    Oh my god you guys, can I talk about Space Dandy for a second? I WOULD LIKE TO TALK ABOUT SPACE DANDY FOR A SECOND.

    I’ve always been vaguely into anime; I say vaguely because once per decade I develop an intense love for one anime while desperately trying to find another anime that will inspire that same love within me, to no avail. I was about 6 when I became obsessed with Sailor Moon, then Escaflowne at age 13. I’m going to call it on Space Dandy and say, this is the one. I will never find another anime I love this much – at least not until 2020 rolls around.

    The opening line of every episode is spoken by a narrator who sounds like he was in Forbidden Planet. “Space Dandy is a dandy in space,” he says, with great importance and gravitas. “He combs the galaxy like his pompadour, on the hunt for aliens.”

    This is real. This is a real show. This is a real synopsis from a recent episode I watched:

    While exploring the surface, Dandy is captured by an Undie alien wearing only underwear while Meow is captured by a Vestian alien wearing only a vest. Trusting their captives for wearing similar clothing as them, the aliens reveal that their races have been at war for ten thousand years because the Undies do not tolerate vests while the Vestians abhor underwear, and now they are the only individuals left from each race.

    It is the greatest. It is a mockery of everything sci-fi and anime holds dear, including the use of women as props. Sometimes when he fires a laser gun, women in bikinis appear behind him for no particular reason and his favourite hangout is an intergalactic Hooters-type breastaraunt called, obviously, “Boobies”. This is patently mocked as absurd. THE BEST SHOW.

    1. ramina +4

      SPACE DANDY YES OH MY GOD ALWAYS HERE FOR SPACE DANDY

      I’m cosplaying femme!Dandy at a con next year and just bought my jacket, baby.

      I like to describe it as Johnny Bravo IN SPACE. I’m so sad it’s ending (pretty sure tomorrow night is the last episode???) but I’m so behind that I just need to like, buy it on Blu-Ray and binge it. Oh Dandy.

      (I literally only watch Sailormoon Crystal and Space Dandy right now, it’s THAT GOOD.)

      1. cosmia +3

        OH MY GOD IT IS EXACTLY JOHNNY BRAVO IN SPACE

        I’m only halfway through the first season but my boyfriend (who I’m sure will want to cosplay Dandy next year, since he already has a jacket like that from doing a Hotline Miami cosplay!) is following along with the second season as it airs. Is it not getting a third season???

        I HAVEN’T STARTED SAILOR MOON CRYSTAL YET, I AM SHAMEFUL

        1. ramina +2

          It is sadly stopping at 26 episodes and it BREAKS MY HEART but that’s just what Studio Bones does, the jerks.

          SAILORMOON CRYSTAL IS SO GOOD AND YOU ONLY HAVE LIKE SEVEN EPISODES TO WATCH SO ONCE YOU’RE DONE WITH DANDY YOU CAN CATCH UP AND IT’LL BE GOOD AS GRAVY

    2. rangiferina +2

      oooh, I’ve been trying to choose an anime to watch next – maybe I’ll try Space Dandy! sounds like it might fill the light-hearted hole in my life left by Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun.

    3. ballisticjaguar +2

      I sort of do this with anime, except that I go on months-long binges of several shows every several years (first one: I was eight, second: 13, third: 19, fourth: 24 [now]). I am currently watching Mushishi and Monthly Girls’ Nozaki-kun, but this sounds like something I shall have to add to the list!

      1. rangiferina +1

        I need to finish the second season of Mushishi! I love it – so gorgeous and relaxing. and Nozaki is seriously the most fun I’ve had watching an anime in a looong time.

      1. ramina +2

        It is! But beware if you are just starting it now because the very last episode of the whole series is this Saturday night.

    6. octopoda +1

      Space Dandy is hilarious. Have you seen Cowboy Beebop and Samurai Champloo? Both are done by the same guy though are not as totally goofy as Space Dandy.

      1. cosmia +4

        I have!! I could never get into Samurai Champloo even though I appreciate how fun it is, and Cowboy Bebop is obviously a classic and one day I will have a Welsh corgi named Ein.

        1. daisicles +2

          It’s possible that the only reason to get a corgi is so you can name it Ein.

          I’ve been campaigning for one for YEARS for this very reason. Because Ein is the best fictional corgi ever.

        2. rkfire +1

          Oh man I love Samurai Champloo and have impromptu SC marathons once every six months.. ^^;

          [trying to restrain self from sharing reasons for SC love.. fleeing now!]

          1. cosmia +1

            No, share reasons, I want to be persuaded into liking it!!

            I don’t dislike it, it’s just that the first episode, while neat and had great music, didn’t really grab me – it probably gets better as it goes on but I’m so lazy!

          2. rkfire +1

            It does get better! I can definitely see how just seeing the first episode is not enough to keep you going though, so some random thoughts:

            -I think of it as a very quirky look at Edo-era Japan, both from a historical and cultural perspective. I am not remotely a scholar of Japanese history so I can’t speak to how correct it is, but it touches a lot on class, ethnic minorities (Mugen, some minor characters), the growing presence of the Dutch in Japan, Christianity in Japan (that is huge later, wihout getting spoilery), women and etc. There’s quite a bit of nuance, IMO. (Fuu is a bit of a damsel in distress at first, but I don’t think it’s gratuitous or annoying considering she is a 15 year old.. and she comes up with getting the guys out of trouble too.)

            -the relationship between Fuu, Mugen, and Jin does get more poignant and interesting, but there’s no annoying love triangles

            -ok, I love the quirky usage of music, and all of the anachronisms

            -the bigger story is Fuu, but it’s in the context of Japanese culture and history at the time. she’s still the driver of everything though.

            -they work in some Japanese pop culture references that I didn’t get originally but I appeciate that they’re there (there’s a dated website that annotates all of the SC references, both historical and culturally).

            -I also appreciate the nuance in the art! This may sound weird, but it even comes down to the complexion of the different characters and even their original Japanese voice acting, e.g. Mugen is supposed to be an unrefined badass from Ryukyu so his complexion is darker, his voice acting apparently has a bit of swagger, etc. Jin is supposed to be from an elite samurai family, so his complexion is lighter, there’s the glasses (haha), Fuu is a young girl so she is a bit on the lighter side too. Just a bit of nuance I appreciate although there’s probably some intersection between nuance and actual colorism there since in Japan, like in the rest of Asia, lighter complexion = better.

          3. rkfire +1

            Also there is a beautiful Ryukyuan song in one of the episodes, I will not tell you about it if you plan on watching the series at some point but it is SPECTACULAR.

  41. highjump +7

    Personal Finance thread! Making it onto the first page this week!

    As I mentioned last week due to increased uncertainty about my job and the fact that if I left this job I would likely leave my current city I’ve shifted my focus from saving for a down payment to assassinating my student loans. I’m on track to pay off a small loan with 7.75% interest and then I’m going to try and take down my largest single loan (currently about $9k) because the interest rate is a gross 8%! It will require more discipline than knocking down the small ones though.

    As far as day to day spending, it is going ok. I’m trying to get out and date more but it is sucking up my going out budget and then some. This is also problematic on a personal level because one of the people I’ve been going out with is an ex who can really drink. She had the brilliant idea to order doubles last night ($50 bar tab!) and then we karaoked Landslide, singing it tenderly to each other like Brittany and Santana. However, she is a terrible girlfriend and cannot be my girlfriend again. So if The Toast could introduce me to a nice girl who likes to sing AND stick to a budget that would be super.

    1. loren_smith +3

      You beat me too it! I had mine on the second page – deleted and pasted here:)

      We set our past quarter’s saving goals too high and limped out of the period feeling a bit beaten up. We’re lowering them for Q4, and I’m hoping that helps us lift the bad money moods we’ve been in. Our long term plan of trying to find better paying jobs in a different province doesn’t seem to be gaining any momentum, and we’ve both been feeling broke and a bit stressed, even though our relationship and net worth are healthy and stable.

      1. highjump +1

        Is leaving your current province a definite or just an idea you’re considering?

        I’m glad your foundation is strong. Hope you get to do fun things this weekend and enjoy it.

        1. loren_smith +1

          haha it would be a definite if we could find jobs, but our small efforts have so far been unsuccessful. Our current plan is retire in 10 years, but if we could land sweet gigs, we could cut that in half. We also spent a long weekend in Portland, Or and that really made us long for a youthful, fixie filled retirement 😐

          1. highjump +2

            That is the enduring calculation isn’t it – how austere are you willing to make your life on the way to being financially independent?

          3. highjump +2

            Well I do not live a life of austerity at all. See $8 salad below. My biggest financial win is housing, living with three roommates in a tiny room with a 15″ closet is not my favorite thing and I could technically afford something nicer but I’ve been here 4 yrs. Actually any kind of fixed/reoccurring expense at all is something I try to avoid. Having Netflix and Prime right now seems really wasteful. I don’t have a car or gym membership or subscribe to any magazines. My student loans are enough of a financial commitment that I don’t want to make any more. I also really really try to minimize my contact with “spendy” people. An ex of mine never did anything for herself, daily person to feed her cats, weekly house cleaning, laundry spent out, never cooked, and it totally inflated my spending too even while I was judging her for shelling out all this cash.

            I’ve definitely looked at how much I’ve spend on restaurants and bars and been like “C’mon highjump you could have put that towards your student loans!” but I’m not living on credit the way I was a few years ago, I have the money, my long term savings are automated, I just don’t have the energy (MMM would say I don’t have the discipline) to micro manage every individual rail drink or hangover bagel I buy.

            I think Ramsey has even said you can really only pull off “gazelle intense” for two or three years. I did two years of austerity right out of college making $12 an hour & crawling out of credit card debt and making student loan payments. And with the monkey of $40k in student loans still on my back I’m many years from financial independence (like 15, if I don’t have kids) and I’m not willing to not have a latte until 2030.

            TLDR- austerify the big stuff, buy the lattes

          4. loren_smith +3

            That’s really interesting, as I tend to do the opposite. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve purchased a coffee in the last year, but I’ll save and splurge for good quality things I enjoy (Nudie jeans, a good bike). We’re lucky to be debt free, so in a ‘what to do with my money sense’ the world is really our oyster, we choose to live very frugally and save. We got bummed recently about this Hawaiian wedding we’re going to – our primary points ticket plan didn’t work out, and we were feeling pretty low about how we’d pay for tickets and a hotel and everything when Hawaii is so expensive. The thing is, we totally have the money – just not in a travel specific plan, and we let ourselves get upset for literally no reason, especially since we found tickets on another points system. More than anything I think we need to sort out our attitudes towards our goals and our money and our daily lives.

    2. super_novice +4

      Ugh, I went for a girls’ weekend last weekend and am feeling like I spent too much money. That, and a tuition deadline in two days has got me feelin’ pretty poor. My solution is NO eating out for a while and NO clothing purchases.

      1. highjump +4

        That sucks, but the money is gone now and all you can do is make more and manage what you have.

        Eating out is my biggest financial vice. I’m eating a prepared salad right now that I just spent $8 on.

    3. sednarea51 +5

      Personal finance, yay! I am actually going to come in at budget this month (WOOT) and that’s after buying presents for three family members (DOUBLE WOOT). And while I’ll have to pay a tuition bill next month, I actually have something in my savings account to pull from for the first time in years! In addition, I went to the Renaissance Festival last weekend, and I (a) had tons of fun and (b) stayed within the budget I had set for myself. All right! Ready for October!

      1. highjump +2

        Yay for on target budgeting! Having a savings account is the greatest peace of mind.

        There is so much gift purchasing coming up in my life. I’ve got to get ready for that.

  42. seapartridge +15

    Anyone have craft updates to share?

    I’m almost done with this doily, in that I only have three rows to go — and I’m not almost done with this doily, in that when I finish those three rows, I have to make a billion multi-coloured flowers around the edge.

    IMG_5024

    I’m also charting out letters to make my sister a “fuck off” filet crochet doily for her birthday. I’ve never done it before, but it looks easy enough.

    Share your crafts!

    1. deleted7410012 +5

      ooh, that’s beautiful.

      after successfully printing a scarf a week or so ago, i bought more materials last weekend to make another…and promptly did nothing. but hopefully this weekend i’ll get started!

    2. projectbeks +4

      Can’t post pics because I’m at work, but I am almost (ALMOST DAMMIT) finished with a project that has taken me almost 2 years to finish. I am so close I can taste it. It tastes fuzzy, because it’s felt. I am also working on a pillowcase, followed by a series of home-improvement related projects. I have so many wonderful crafty things on my to-do list!

    3. jackalopeia +16

      Yessss craft thread. I learned how to etch copper this summer, and now things are finally turning out the way I want them to after a nightmarish few weeks of failure. Now I will make ALL the weird pretty jewelry!

      1. seapartridge +5

        Woahhh that is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen! What is copper etching? How can I learn it?!

        1. jackalopeia +5

          The actual etching is SO easy–you take your copper object, put a resist (like sharpie, or nail polish, or an indelible rubber stamping) on the part you don’t want etched, and put it in a bath of ferric chloride for a couple hours. The ferric chloride will stain everything you get it on, but it’s not so caustic that it’s dangerous to do in your house. The biggest issue I had was that I was using laser printer toner as a resist so I could design my stuff on the computer and easily replicate it, and you have to use heat to transfer the toner to the copper, and the copper has to be PERFECTLY FLAT and you have to use the perfect kind of transfer paper and the perfect amount of heat and it was basically a nightmare. But if you’re doing one-off designs freehand, it’s not hard at all.

        1. jackalopeia +3

          If I didn’t sell all the crap I made I’d drown in it. Clicking my name should lead you to my site!

          2. jackalopeia +4

            No, thank YOU! Especially if you’re the one that just made my Etsy app make a wonderful “cha-CHING” noise.

      3. ramina +3

        Holy macaroni I want 12!

        I really love your work – am favoriting your shop for next week (payday!!)

    4. bird_internet +4

      You mean I’m not the only person under 60 who crochets doilies? I don’t want to link to my personal ravelry page for anonymity reasons but I’m working on this pattern right now: http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/northern-…
      About 3/4 finished but got distracted and forgot about it for a while. It’s got sort of a modern/geometric look, or at least should when I finally finish and block it.

      I’m also trying to find a shawl pattern for my mom for christmas, leaning towards this one because it’s gorgeous but it’s going to be a big investment in time and pricey yarn: https://www.etsy.com/listing/127870021/instant-do…

      How do you display your finished doilies? My apartment is going to start looking like a Victorian shut-in lives there if I keep putting them under lamps and bowls.

      1. seapartridge +5

        I love meeting other people who make doilies! They’re so much fun, and look much more impressive than the amount of effort that’s required (at least, to me — I have the opposite problem with most other crochet projects, in that I try very hard and fuck up a lot and end up with something sad and mediocre looking). I actually never keep them for myself — I have tiny living quarters and no space to put them in. I give them to other people and let them figure that out. 🙂 But I’ve thought of trying to frame them when giving them as gifts to people who I know wouldn’t have anywhere to put them.

        Both of those patterns are lovely! Yarn is way too expensive. I’ve had some luck with trawling thrift stores for sweaters with the correct-ish yarn weight and style — you have less control over inventory, but I’ve found some great deals. I bought a cashmere / angora blend sweater for $5! Buying that amount of yarn (if my local yarn stores are any indication) would have easily been $100 or more.

        1. bird_internet +1

          I’m with you! I have spent WAAY too much money on bulk amounts of junk yarn thinking that this would finally be the year that I make a good-looking afghan and I always end up with something sort of disappointing. Whereas a ball of crochet thread costs $3.50, fits in my backpack, and it looks ~fancy~ when I’m done.

          I never thought about unraveling a sweater for yarn before, that is genius.

          1. seapartridge +4

            I was introduced to this idea by the hippiest of the hippies, and I was skeptical. I don’t do it for most things, but now I always make it a point to check any thrift stores I’m in. You have to check to make sure the seams can be unraveled (there are plenty of websites that can explain this much better than I can) but it’s actually really easy to do! You just need a pair of scissors and a seam ripper.

      2. Site_for_Soris +3

        my LYS has lots of doilies stretched out in embroidery frames hanging in the window. it’s very lovely!

    5. lesliejroot +2

      Lovely! What’s the cool fabric it’s sitting on top of?

      I have two knitting projects (baby sweater and baby jeans -yup, allll my friends are having kids) that both need to be seamed, and I hate seaming so much. But I must do it, for babies grow quickly.

      1. seapartridge +4

        I’m afraid I’m too awful at knitting to know what seaming is. I’m sure they will love them, though! Baby sweaters are the cutest.

        The fabric is the tote bag that I found near the door. It’s not mine, but it’s very cute! (My roommates have a tote-bag sharing policy, no worries!)

        1. lesliejroot +4

          Ah, sorry – seaming is the non-knitting part of knitting, where you’ve knit something up in several pieces and you have to sew them together with yarn. The worst.

          1. roboticaquatic +2

            The worst! I’ve watched so many tutorials on it and I’m still horrible at it. I avoid projects that require it at all costs.

    6. LacaunaKale +8

      Huge farose style shawl with so many math fails in the directions. My lace isn’t perfect on the borders because math, but at knitting group it was deemed close enough.

    7. sednarea51 +3

      That is GAWJUSS. Look at that doily! I am working on finishing the second of a pair of knitted gloves. They’re my first gloves and they’re fingerless- very cool, although I’m struggling with knitting the fingers on without leaving big gaps. I’m doing them in a lovely black wool and when they’re complete I’m going to add Black Widow symbols at the wrists, because I am an enormous dork. Then I’m going to start my Captain America handwarmers (see above re:enormous dork). Good times.

    8. teresamackadoo +3

      That’s gorgeous! I’m about halfway through making this cross stitch: https://www.etsy.com/listing/193296244/sale-treat…

      I’ve finished the cupcake and two letters! This is my first one, so I’m very proud.

    9. roboticaquatic +3

      A doily! Look at you! I just had to frog a wrist warmer I was making up as I was going along, and on a kinfty knitter no less. I don’t know what I was expecting but I sure got a mess. My neck and wrists have been bothering me lately, so no more yarn for me for a while. I’m thinking of stealing my mom’s sewing machine to see if that’s any easier on me.

    10. Site_for_Soris +1

      I am working on all the baby things, but am almost done with a little sweater that I hijacked a bohus pattern from, and I’m pretty proud of how it’s turning out. will post pics when I get home.

  43. hugpunch +165

    Toast! I asked my ladyfriendpartnerperson to marry me last night in Glacier National Park on the lakeshore at sunset.

    She agreed, after asking me what I was doing on one knee. I don’t actually remember what I said or how I got to one knee, it just sort of happened.

    Then we had a bbq at our house with 20 of our best friends. It was so great and I am so happy and tired.

    1. deleted1892326 +2

      Congratulations to both of you! That sounds like a dream, and I hope the years to come are just as dreamy. 🙂

      5. danceintrees +3

        CONGRATULATIONS you lovely people! I am going to Glacier on Wednesday with my grandmother and when I am there I will remember the joy that just happened in that spot. 🙂

  44. RoseCamelia +19

    San Francisco Toast meetup tonight! Two Sisters on Hayes Street between Laguna and Octavia. Come when you can anytime after 5. I am buying your first drink, so find me: white, middle-aged, auburn hair, purple shirt. I want to meet you. Yes, you. Not just those other Toastfolk. You. I accept you and treasure you as-is. Please come.

    1. Bryn (Plus Others) +6

      RoseCamelia is a marvelous person and definitely worth meeting! Would do it again A+++! (Although real life might intervene and keep me from actually getting to SF tonight.)

  45. jhsaxena +51

    So much shit is happening you guys, I can’t even handle it. I’m not allowed to say stuff yet but trust me, you will be the first to know. It’s all good. It’s all fucking amazing. I have no idea what to do with myself right now though and my impostor syndrome is running wild.

    In other news I saw The Boxtrolls last night and I really loved it. Immediately afterward people started sending me stuff about how it’s transphobic, which I recognized while I was watching it. One main character disguises himself as a woman to (seemingly) infiltrate the upper class, though it’s the cheapest C-plot and the movie would have made just as much sense without it. Like, nothing hinges on this point, and it would have been a better movie without it.

    However, everything I read was so dismissive of the rest of the movie, which I found to be an amazing commentary on respectability politics, identity, self-actualization, and the idea of living as your true self. Like, here’s a town that is literally BUILT ON TOP OF the achievements of the Boxtrolls, forcing them underground, and the higher-ups invent stories about how they’re all criminals and murderers in order to keep them down there. And when (spoilers) in one scene, the boy dresses up like any other “proper boy” and tells the town his truth, they don’t even care. How many times have you been told that if you just play nice and act nice, people will listen to you? Well, here he does just that and it doesn’t work, and the only time it does work is when they learn that they don’t have to act the way society says is their “nature,” and can rise up and blow shit up.

    I know this is a lot of words and passion about The Boxtrolls, but it just frustrated me that all the criticism called for dismissing it outright when the core message is so good and so in-line with a lot of social justice. This is not The Crying Game. I realize I am cis and I have the luxury of being able to watch this without being triggered, so if that’s not possible for you, please yes do what’s best for you. But I also think there’s a lot of good in here, and hope people can see that past the man-in-dress misstep.

    1. pieismyreligion +6

      I’m seeing this tonight after many friends have recommended it. The movie critic in today’s newspaper ended his negative review (“why should people care about saving the boxtrolls when they don’t want to save themselves”??? It’s not a documentary dude.) with “people will walk away thinking they’ve had a good time” like that’s a terrible thing, to just enjoy a movie.

    2. EPWordsnatcher +16

      Excited for you! Tell your impostor syndrome to suck it, you are a strong, smart, sensual woman who can do all the things.

    3. ballisticjaguar +24

      This basically touches on one of the things I have been seeing online lately, and really disliking. Yes, I understand that this could be triggering to some people and that should be discussed and acknowledged, but we can enjoy something for its good points while recognizing it has some bits that are not good. It’s not an all-or-nothing deal.

  46. lassotabasco +4

    GUYS this week has been hellish. Insomnia struggz coupled with hard and stressful business at work taken to the Nth degree by a friend who periodically (maybe twice a month for the last 7 years?) looks for opportunities to cut me down and tell me all the ways in which I’m terrible. I know, I know.

    BUT I’m going to Kansas City tomorrow and I will eat All the Barbeque and go to a Lykke Li concert and shop at the Plaza. So, yay?

      1. roboticaquatic +2

        Yay! I miss Kansas City so much! The fountains! The shuttlecocks! The Plaza! Have you ever been to Blanc Burger there? I understand, you have to shove your face with as many burnt ends as possible, so maybe there is no time for burgers but I miss them so. I really need to make some time to go up there soon.

        1. CleverManka +1

          I haven’t been to Blanc Burger, but burger salads are one of the only things it’s safe for me to eat at restaurants. I’ll check it out, thanks!

    2. elsamac +4

      Yeesh, that does sound rough, I’m sorry.

      So that person is… maybe not a friend? Just throwing that out there, obviously you are the expert on who is and isn’t deserving of your time.

      ENJOY ALL THE BARBEQUE

  47. paddlepickle +11

    Ask Polly thread! This week was hilarious if not as revelatory for me as usual. But I felt for the letter writer SO HARD because she was me a few year’s ago, I can remember so well what it’s like to start to doubt your intelligence and taste because of some lame disinterested moron who talks too much. That said, I was a little envious of her having this nice guy available who she had ignored before, because I feel like I’m past going for the morons but cannot find the nice ones for the life of me. I’m not sure whether I am somehow completely missing the existence of available, mature men because I’m still attracted to unavailable deep down, or if they do not exist in single form in the city of New York.
    http://nymag.com/thecut/2014/09/ask-polly-how-do-…

  48. paperbgprincess +7

    So I am still hanging out with that guy I started dating at the beginning of the month and it is great! Except I noticed that I have initiated most of our text conversations/date planning. I think maybe he is the type of person who doesn’t really text or email unless he has something specific to say? Anyway I have been trying very hard to sit on my hands and NOT contact him and just wait for him to say something. So I’m trying to distract myself with almost ANYthing else in the meantime and it’s hard!

    1. noodge4lyfe +6

      you’re singing the song of my people. I think this is a pretty classic “new hetero dating” trope. my current situation has had me 1.) turning off my phone for hours at a time so I don’t check it and 2.) dancing. a lot. which is good! and 3.) hanging out with my lady friends to keep grounded.

      1. paperbgprincess +2

        Haha well I gave in and texted him about an hour ago and we made plans for tomorrow, so. I’m obviously not great at it either.

        1. noodge4lyfe +4

          Ha! and on the one hand you’re like “YAY!” and on the other hand you’re like “DAMN YOU POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT FOR MY HABIT!”

          2. noodge4lyfe +4

            which takes me right back to my first comment: you’re singing the song of my people. Here’s to hoping it’s a temporary phase of that crisis feeling.

  49. ocwut +90

    TRANS REPORT

    Oh Toasties, my Toasties. I don’t have much to report, besides the fact that estrogen is now the dominant hormone in my bloodstream! 😀 Which is awesome! I can’t overstate that! My skin is much clearer and softer, and I am now able to choose to not think about sex. (Which is weird.)

    But there are some small downsides. An example from last week: I was sitting at home, in my pajamas, eating peanut butter straight from the jar, thinking to myself things feel so sad and not good, but I logically know that things are just fine. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! Well, hormone fluctuations now do the same to me as they do to cis women, so I guess having a mini experience of how a period feels is a nice welcome to womanhood.
    And there have been things I didn’t expect. I did not expect to be tired. I get tired way earlier than I used to pre-HRT. And cold! I am cold all the time now. I wear a cardigan or keep one on me at all times, which is a huge change from being able to wear a T-shirt in the winter. (Retrospective apology: to every person who is cold a lot, I am really sorry that I teased you about it. Having lived only a few weeks in your shoes, I now recognize that I was being an asshat.)

    But overall, I am calmer and much, much happier. I am glad that my testosterone is in retreat – and my estrogen, ascendant!

    1. anninyn +25

      Oh, congratulations!

      Bear in mind it’s not just hormone fluctuations, but that you are basically having a second puberty, so you may very well have much more extreme emotional responses to your hormones than you will in say, a few years.

      I hope things continue going well and positively

    2. EPWordsnatcher +38

      things feel so sad and not good, but I logically know that things are just fine. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!

      WELCOME TO THE SISTERHOOD, please pick up your informational pamphlet (“Your Brain Is Just Messing With You, It Will Be Okay Shortly, Please Remember To Eat Something”) and gift basket (large fluffy pillow, snacks, tissues, Netflix subscription, flamethrower) at the sign-in desk.

      I don’t know where you live but start stocking up on good socks for this winter now! They help a lot. Sockdreams has many fantastic options, and Smartwool is always good. Ask for socks for Christmas (if you celebrate it) and enjoy them. Mmmm. Socks.

      1. SarcasticFringehead +8

        Last winter I basically lived in my smartwool socks. Like, I wore regular socks for work, and then as soon as I got home I swapped out for smartwool and wore them until I had to go to work again. (including to bed) (not in the shower, though)

      2. ocwut +6

        Thank you! Ooh, gift basket… ooh, flamethrower! 😀

        Socks… this is an extremely good suggestion. My feet are cold right now.

      3. HotDoom +8

        SOCKS, YES! And comfy warm slippers and a wine cardigan. Getchu a wine cardigan (or a cocoa cardigan or scotch cardigan) and sometimes putting it on will make you feel like you’ve won half the battle.

        Welcome to the world of regular sucky emotions and also The Matriachy, and I really hope you continue doing well in this process!

      4. tekkah +6

        Optional Gift Basket Additions: Wine, Heating Pad (for cramps OR cold extremities, depending), and a lap desk so you can Toast from bed.

    4. Upsidedown_Cake +8

      Gigantic fluffy fleece robe. Sometimes I come home from work and put mine on over everything else I am wearing in order to warm up to human temperature.

      1. the_lovecats +2

        Also, Bathtubs! Putting the gigantic fluffy fleece robe on after warming up in the bathtub is magical.

    7. elsamac +17

      I was sitting at home, in my pajamas, eating peanut butter straight from the jar, thinking to myself things feel so sad and not good, but I logically know that things are just fine. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!

      ahahahahaha, I laughed out loud in recognition. It had never occurred to me what a shock that might be to someone undergoing the same quick-shift hormonal change for the first time as an adult. Whoa.

    8. dakimel +5

      Up side of wearing socks all the time: so much fun to do happy-dance slides down the hallway in, when all this great stuff hits you out of nowhere.

      It’s still weird to me (and I’m 44 & been married for decades & the mother of 2 teen boys, and I write romance novels) to realize that guys often have no control over how much they think about sex. I think about sex plenty, but it’s entirely out of choice. In other news: grass is green.

      So happy to hear that your dominating estrogen is mostly kick-ass.

  50. thesecretherstory +8

    I am so full of emotions. I have just gone back to university for my final year. The amount of time I spent obsessing about getting in to this place before I went, combined with the total mental breakdown that was my first year means that I cannot feel anything other than HUGELY on edge about what fresh realms of misery this year will unlock, while still having excessively high expectations that THIS WILL BE THE YEAR that I finally have the Time Of My Life ™ at this place. Plus, I have to go back to being long distance with my boyfriend and when will that end never because he’s going to be an academic. ARGH. Term hasn’t even started and I’m already a ball of stress. I just want to go home.

  51. turanga_leela +22

    I almost forgot to report my dirtbag teen sighting. There were two sitting in the doorway to the back of a liquor store, smoking, and one was standing with a foot on his skateboard so the other end was up in the air. We drove by and I squealed with joy and shouted “dirtbag teens!”. My husband just laughed at me.

    1. projectbeks +8

      I saw some this week, too! I was coming home a little late from work one night, and as I passed a restaurant and rounded a corner to walk through a little courtyard area, there were two making out on a bench! It was such obviously awkward making out, too. I tried hard not to giggle.

    2. extermikate +26

      This summer I saw two dirtbag teens smoking in a playground, and one decided it would be a great idea to lie down on his skateboard, and he slowly rolled feet first down a hill, and his look of resignation as he accepted his fate is my Patronus-summoning memory now.

  52. sednarea51 +2

    Long, hard week- I had both a big work project and a pile of stuff for my part-time class due- but I made it through to the sweet embrace of Friday YESSSS. ::raises hands in celebration, spikes football:: And my coworker loaned me her weird apple coring/peeling/slicing gizmo, so I’m going to use that to make dried apples this weekend! I also made some chicken jerky last night, it turned out pretty Goddamned tasty. What have you been experimenting with in the kitchen, Toasties?

    1. katiemcgillicuddy +4

      I made a Carolina style BBQ sauce the other day, and I wanted to add beer, but I only had white wine, so I added that shit, and it took a while, but once it cooked down, SO. GOOD.

    2. ct330 +2

      I made lamb-and-chickpea vindaloo in my slow cooker on Tuesday, and then I used the leftover lamb to make lamb-and-chickpea ramen with baby broccoli and baby spinach, because I was in a noodle mood after work last night. It was delicioussss.

  53. HotDoom +11

    This week hasn’t been terrible, or fantastic really…but then again, I’ll be working tomorrow and Sunday, so there’ still time for things to be either spectacularly terrible or good.

    On the upside, I made pumpkin beer two days ago for the first time! It doesn’t really exist here in the UK (yet- I hear Brewdog is making some this year). Anyway, I used vanilla beans and autumny spices, and it sort of even looks like pumpkin pie, so I really hope it’s boss.

      1. HotDoom +2

        Yes I did! It was an epic faff though, because the pumpkin is a viscous little shit gourd and made it really difficult to get water circulating through the grains. I wanted to write an angry letter to SOMEONE.

        But yeah, I’m no bigamist (and I ask myself, why not?), but let’s talk in a few years’ time and who knows what could be on our horizon!

  54. chnellociraptor +39

    You guyyyyyyyyyys. My friends got an adorable kitten last month and aren’t able to keep it because of a horrible allergies flare-up sooooooo I am 90% sure I’m adopting him? He’s coming over for a playdate on Sunday, to meet my roommate’s cat (who is not traditionally happy with other animals, but generally too lazy to scratch or bite) and if all goes well then he’s mine!

    YOU GUYS. HIS NAME IS RUFIO.

    1. anninyn +4

      omg, if you adopt him post him in next weeks cat thread! Kittens!

      I hope your cat gets along with him well.

    5. robotneedslove +4

      Ooooh good luck! And remember that cats are not good meet-and-greet creatures, generally. My and my bf’s cat’s first meeting ended in torrents of hair everywhere and pee literally all over the wall, and now they calmly tolerate each other.

  56. aravisthequeen +6

    MUSIC. I’m actually not a big music person (other than I listen to the radio and stuff) but I can NOT stop listening to Tove Lo’s “Habits” the Stay High remix and watching the video. I don’t know why, other than it’s insanely addictive (ha!) and on the radio all the time. And for whatever reason the video brings back so many Feels about being in a certain place in my life and that feeling of “partying! OK now quick into the washroom, cry a bit, go back out, party, go home with someone just to feel better” and why I’m so glad I’m not there any more.

    The other song I’ve had on repeat all summer is “Cool Car” by Jimmy Rankin, which is fantastic and lovely.

    Other than that I listen to like, the country station, but every time I admit that in public or among my friends people make fun of me. So.

    1. groovealee +1

      I love that Tove Lo song too!

      I also listen to a lot of country (though not so much the stuff on the radio). Sturgill Simpson’s new album is really good. It’s sorta psychedelic and the songwriting is great!

  57. ct330 +14

    Toasties! I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and I…kind of want to pick up and move somewhere once my lease is up in March? I have a bunch of friends in Denver (former roomie moved there last March), but I’m…kind of into the idea of just packing up my pup and hoppin on a plane and moving somewhere all by my lonesome. Maybe Portland. I’ve heard good things about Portland, and it seems like a place I’d like.

    BUT I’M SCARED! I’m a born-and-bred Queens girl, and I’ve never lived anywhere by NY my WHOLE LIFE. And I’d miss my parents kind of a lot. But I’m 25, and I sorta feel like…the time is now, if I wanna do something like this.

    Has anyone just up-and-left? Was it scary? Was it brilliant? Should I stick the pup in her carrier and JUST GO?

    1. safvn +5

      Oh man, I would absolutely do it if I were you. I would have when I left college, except I decided that job security and a 5-year relationship were more important than a desire to live somewhere new. (Which is not to say, btw, that that decision would be right for everyone, but I think it was right for me.) The whole idea of a fresh start feels like such a good idea sometimes.

      Also, I loved Portland when I visited. Love love loved it. But it is very grey, so if you have SAD, that wouldn’t be great.

    2. seapartridge +5

      Yep! I just did that. I did that in a way that was so drastic and ridiculous everyone around me thinks it’s a bit crazy — but it has so far been the best choice. I’d lived in Massachusetts all my life, mostly — growing up and college and post-college — but I really just wanted to be somewhere else for the sake of it. So I ended a 3-5 (depending on how we’re counting) year live-in relationship and up and moved to DC. I knew a few people down here, but I’m pretty much on my own. And I love it. I feel like I’ve never learned so much about myself as a person. I’m more confident, I’m happier, etc etc.

      I dunno — I guess in Massachusetts, I was always surrounded by groups of friends I’d built up over the years (in school, in college, professionally) and I had my family and I had my boyfriend. All of those things were wonderful, but I never challenged myself. I never put myself out there to meet new people or try new things because I didn’t need to, really. That might be fine for some people, but for me, it just meant I was kind of terrified of doing new things and meeting new people.

      And I’m super extroverted but also can be very socially anxious. Being thrown into a situation which was pretty much “welp, if you ever want to see other humans, you are gonna just have to put yourself out there — otherwise, have fun sitting alone in your apartment forever” was the kind of kick in the ass I needed. I feel so much less stressed about meeting new people and taking risks socially than I used to.

      Yeah. Worked out well for me. Best of luck to you! I hear great things about Denver.

      1. ct330 +1

        Yeah, that’s my big thing too — I want to challenge myself. I’ve done some meeting-new-people a couple of times over (because pretty quickly after college, my core group of friends all sort of went our separate ways) but I really want to be Independent-with-a-capital-I, and I think a big part of that will be to move to a different city from my parents? My dad grew up in Brooklyn and moved to Queens, my mom (once she came her from Peru) moved back and forth from Manhattan to Queens a few times before settling in Queens with my dad. I live in Astoria with my brother. I’m really close with my family, but I sort of think this arrangement just lends itself to a perpetual feeling of being-a-kid? Like, I do Grown Up Things — I have a job, and insurance, and pay my bills and stuff — and it’s not like I see my parents all the time…but I don’t know. Having them be less than ten miles away sort of makes me feel like I’m living my life with a safety net? Which is niiiiice, I guess, but also a little stifling.

        I love Denver! I roadtripped out there with a friend in July and I’m actually going back to visit next weekend! MOUNTAINS, Gandalf! So many outdoors things to do!

    3. amanita +7

      I love the shit out of Portland – lived there for 6 years in my mid-twenties – but it’s pretty hard to find work there right now & it’s getting a LOT more expensive to just exist. So that is a thing to consider. But I’m a big proponent of picking-up-and-moving in general! It can be really great!

      1. ct330 +4

        Oooh, thanks. Yeah, this flight plan of mine definitely requires copious amounts of research, so this is definitely a good thing to keep in mind.

    4. ballisticjaguar +2

      I have done this twice, albeit for school, however I definitely could have stayed closer to home and opted not to. The most drastic of these was moving from Toronto-area Canada all the way to Halifax on the east coast.

      I have definitely enjoyed it. Just, the fact that I have seen and lived in some pretty different parts of Canada is something I really love. Plus all the new and different people I’ve met!

    5. Absotively +4

      I did more-or-less this. I’m not especially thrilled with how it worked out for me long term, but I still don’t regret having done it. Remember, you can always move back in a year or two if you want.

      Actually, if you count going off to University far away, then I’ve done this twice and it worked out wonderfully the first time.

    6. octopoda +1

      I moved to Pittsburgh with a friend randomly for about a year after I graduated college (I’m from Seattle). It was definitely an interesting and worthwhile experience, especially since I made friends there I’m still close with now even after moving back home.

    7. Bryn (Plus Others) +7

      Just go!

      Even if it is not great, it will be new and different, and you can always go back if you do not like wherever you are. You will never be not scared about it, so do it!

    8. blueblazes11 +4

      Hello from Portland. The rents are outrageous and there are no jobs. (Well, it depends. what kind of work do you do?)

      Denver is fantastic, but cold and windy in ways that Portland is not. You might also look at Seattle, as long as we’re talking about delightful western cities.

      But I do think The West is an excellent place to look in general. Getting out of NY and seeing how the rest of the country lives is such a great thing.

      1. ct330 +2

        I work in health care administration, and while it’s not something I reeeeally want to keep on doing, it’s generally pretty stable? I also work at a Pretty Fancy Hospital in NYC, so hopefully that’ll look good on my resume wherever I end up going, if I end up Oregon Trail-ing my life in a few months. (Egads.) I have heard many a good thing about Seattle, too! A friend of mine has several friends there, and he LOVES Seattle.

        After NYC’s last winter, I feel like I can handle my fair share of windy and cold (and endlessly icy and snow and slush and awful). My roomie who moved to Denver was telling me that there would be snow on the ground in the morning, and that it all melted by the afternoon. She moved there in the middle of March, though. I don’t know how true that is for the before-March months (but I actually plan on visiting Denver again in the winter to see if Colorado winters are something I can handle.)

        I was craigslisting apartments in Portland the other day and rents seemed…somewhat reasonable? I mean, at least for what I’m making here, I don’t know how my salary would change after a move…

        1. blueblazes11 +2

          Health care is the one exception I was going to mention. There is a steady stream of work on the administrative/strategy side. I am in fact in a nonclinical hospital role myself. 🙂

          And now that I think about it, the rents probably look tempting if you are coming from NYC. The bigger challenge is actually the availability. I want to say the last I read there was a 1.5% vacancy rate? We own a condo in the suburbs, so it isn’t really an issue for me, but most friends are renters closer in to downtown and feel like their landlords can get away with a lot of bullshit because demand is so high.

        2. thebellewitch +3

          I would pick Denver winters over NYC winters any day (Oh hello, Denverite here.) It’s almost always sunny! The snow does generally mostly melt within a few days! I am a transplant who grew up in the South, and if I can survive it, you can. February kinda sucks, but where doesn’t February kinda suck?

    9. spoboebot3000 +4

      I’ve done this twice (woo escape mechanisms!) and I’m a big proponent of it if you are looking for drastic change. To answer your questions: yes, yes, didn’t feel like it at the time but ultimately yes, yes.

      While living in Louisiana, two years after Katrina I decided that I couldn’t wait for NOLA to get up and running any longer to make a viable move, all the while during those 2 years of my bro nagging me to move to his town, plus hate-hate-hating my job and personal life and I decided by the end of that month I would be moving to another state. I had a lot of help and disappointed some really good friends but I think it was worth it for my sanity in the long run. It was scary as hell! Also, I did not like where I moved to at first. I have never liked where I moved to at first until after the first couple of years being there (and I lived in 5 states in 7 years). Your first few months will be exciting because everything is new new new! Then the struggle to make new friends and settle into a new routine and find a “my bar/coffee shop/hang out” will wear on you, but don’t give up there, stay at least 2 years. Seriously, it may take up to one year before you stop actively thinking you’ve made a huge mistake. Be brave and go for it!

      1. blueblazes11 +3

        Seriously, it may take up to one year before you stop actively thinking you’ve made a huge mistake.

        Truth.

    10. OliviaPJones +1

      Yeah totally do itttt! I moved from Philly to Oakland in 2008 and never looked back. Now I’m thinking of moving again when I graduate from my M.A. program but that’s for reasons of wanting to buy a house someday.

      Portland is super cool (was my original destination) but do bear it mind that it is grey and drizzly a lot! Not to trash on Portland! It’s a great city! My in-laws live nearby! But I’m someone who needs more sun, is all. I also like humidity in the summer so I’m a weirdo, basically.

    11. Beakses +1

      I say go for it! But I have basically picked up and moved across at least 50% of a continent every 2-4 years since I started undergrad, so I am weird.

      Also, as a Colorado native, Denver is totally the best and the winters are the best and you should definitely move there. It is not anywhere near as cold as New York and January and February are actually sunny and pretty dry (all the snow happens in March, or at least it did when I lived there- climate change may mean that I am lying). There isn’t really such a thing as spring or fall, though, which some people find troubling. Seattle winters are dark and basically start in October and last until June and they are terrible and even though I lived there for three years I am never living there ever again. It’s not cold, really, but the weather will just keep drizzling at you forever and it is terrible. Not that I have strong opinions or anything 😛

      I would not get terribly overly worried about too much research- if you can land a job where you want to go and it pays you enough that you can afford to live there and sock away enough money that you can escape if it doesn’t work out, then why not? Rent, don’t buy, and you can always just leave!

  58. azure +3

    Hello, I need some guidance regarding gender awkwardness caused by toddler. Last night, my 2-year-old and I were at the drugstore.The cashier had an androgynous look and I wasn’t sure how they identified. The name on their nametag was a common gender-neutral nickname (like Sam, but it wasn’t Sam). My daughter decided the cashier was a man and repeatedly referred to them as a man. There was an issue with something we were buying so we were there much longer than you would normally be at the register. My daughter kept saying things like “What’s he doing?”, “Where the man going?”, “I want to give this to the man.” Usually I correct her when she mis-genders people (because she’s at a stage where short hair = man, so it comes up fairly often), but since I wasn’t sure how the cashier identified, I didn’t say anything. I guess I just felt bad because I didn’t feel it was appropriate to ask the cashier how they wanted a random kid to refer to them, but at the same time I didn’t want them to feel hurt that random kid (and by extension me) was misidentifying them if that were the case.

    I know the cashier probably didn’t really care what my kid was saying, but I guess I was just wondering if anyone has suggestions for how to handle a situation like this if it comes up again.

    1. Bryn (Plus Others) +24

      Well first of all I think a lot of people do understand that 2-yr-olds just Say Things and that their reality is a varied thing.

      I think in the moment with my daughter I would have tried redirecting her to saying ‘The cashier’ or whatever appropriate job-title-term, but it depends so much on your kid, because different kids understand gender differently (or not at all!) and they also pick up on cues differently etc etc.

      But really, in a situation like that, you are not responsible for the other person’s potential feelings that they might be having because of your kid being at a totally normal developmental stage, so I would just take a lot of deep breaths and start thinking about what you want to teach you child about gender *in general* so that in a few years when your daughter is more a person of reason you have a framework in place.

  59. loren_smith +3

    Question for IUD users:

    I’m considering a Mirena, and am thinking it is likely right for me. One of my biggest concerns right now is how my partner might respond to the strings. He’s had a vasectomy, so he’s really done his fair share of our reproductive heavy lifting (I mainly want the IUD for period control possibilities) and I don’t want to cause him an discomfort. How has this worked out for you guys?

    1. deleted1892326 +3

      There were a few months where the strings bothered my partner a bit, more in some positions than others. I waited to see if they would “curl up” (this is something that they do) then went in for a trim. After taking approx 1cm off, hasn’t been a problem. 🙂

      1. ofTrebond +2

        Similar story with mine. I couldn’t feel the strings with my fingers, but my partner said they were bothering him. Told doctor, doctor trimmed strings, problem solved.

        1. spideress +2

          My doc said not to mention the strings as something that might bother a partner because, in their experience, more women had complaints about it when they told their partners it might be a problem. I never had any issue and I never mentioned the possibility to my partner, but we also used condoms for the first few months.
          Another thing is that, since your cervix actually changes length depending on the point in your cycle, what is too long at one point might be too short at another. As far as I have read it is a little better to have the strings be too long rather then too short, because if they are longer they will get covered in mucus after a few days and feel “softer” and they will just get pushed off to the side during sex. If they are too short you won’t be able to push them off to the side during sex ( I mean, not you, his weewee) and they will be more poky, especially at first.
          So my suggestion is to have the strings cut slightly longer, no cervix hitting positions for a while, and don’t tell dudefriends “there might be something poky in there”.

    3. ramina +1

      I have a Mirena, and the only problem I had with PIV sex was maybe the first or second time my boyfriend hit it weirdly and it poked him and he got freaked out? But the strings all coiled up like they were supposed to following that and I have not had a single issue with it since then (this is year two!)

    4. CaptainNancy +1

      Didn’t have any issues – initially the strings were more ‘noticeable’, but they soften quite quickly, and yeah, nothing to report now! (In a good way)

    5. catoclock +1

      I have a Mirena and like it a lot! I warned my boyfriend in advance about possible string pokeage so he wouldn’t be freaked out, but he said it was only mildly noticeable at first and then not at all within a month or so (I assume they did their curling-up thing).

    6. ct330 +5

      YAAAAAS we are having a WEEKLY IUD THREAD

      Strings are not a problem for my dudeguy. They are more firm when you first get the IUD, but they get considerably softer over time, and sometimes get tucked up in your cervix. We had The Secks four or five days after I got mine inserted, and he didn’t feel it at all, and it hasn’t been a problem (except for that one time when I panicked bc I couldn’t feel the strings when I checked for them, but that also is normal and no biggie.)

      1. catoclock +3

        I can only feel the strings sometimes when I check for them! I’ve had Mirena in for about a year now, and I still get a fairly regular, extremely mild sort of fake period, and I can usually feel the strings when that’s going on. I’m pretty sure your uterus is up to… something… during menstruation (science!), so maybe that’s why?

        1. ct330 +6

          I learned from a Toastie on a previous IUD thread that uteruses like to get down with their bad selves at random times during the month (or well probably not random, its a cycle thing) so maybe when you can’t feel ’em, it’s ’cause your uterus is feeling especially like boogie-ing.

    7. blueblazes11 +4

      My NP actually left my strings on the longish side and kind of…curled… them around my cervix. Mr. Blazes has never noticed them since the one time I intentionally made him aware of them.

    9. Steph +1

      Mine’s never been an issue — the strings soften pretty quickly (under a week, for me) and kind of curl out of the way 🙂 (Though I have a copper one, so may not be quite the same as the Mirena)

    10. annesedney +1

      In my experience it could depend on his size/length- my ex had pretty large, ahem, equipment and he was bothered by the strings sometimes, especially in certain positions. But it wasn’t a big deal, usually a small change of angle would take care of it. My current boyfriend is of more average proportions and he says he’s never noticed them.

  60. Girl Named Jack +8

    Tonight I am volunteering at an exchange station for a crazy 200-mile relay race in the Adirondacks. My shift is from 2:30-7:15 a.m. in the precise middle of nowhere. I’m hoping I’ll get to be a spotter and spend a couple hours by myself out in the (semi-) wilderness looking at the stars! And watching for runners, duh.

    And then I get 3 days in Lake Placid with the fella, who is doing some of the actual, you know, running.

    If there are any Toasties or Toastie-adjacents running the Ragnar, I’ll be at Exchange 27 (or thereabouts).

  61. BobbieWickham +27

    Let’s have a thread of period stories?
    I’ll start. I think my entire period came out in one go on Wednesday. I’d had a little light bleeding for a few days, and then on Wednesday afternoon I bled through a super tampon, a maxi pad, underwears, dress, and onto my white (WHOSE BRIGHT IDEA WAS THAT) office chair. So I scurried into the bathroom and pulled out the tampon, and clinging to it was a….strip of uterine tissue. Like, a good eight inches long. And it’s dangling from the tampon, and I don’t want it to fall off onto the floor, but I also don’t want to catch it in my hand, so I say many swears and maneuver it over to the toilet paper dispenser and pull out a few sheets and sort of flop it onto them, and then I try to roll it up into the toilet paper and throw it away, but the blood is soaking through and making the roll structurally unsound, and furthermore the tissue is so warm and squishy, pretty much exactly like you’d expect a blob of uterine tissue to feel.
    Anyway that’s the grossest thing my reproductive system has done lately, how about yours?

    1. anninyn +6

      Because I am under a lot of stress from external sources that I can fix, my period is super irregular and just… doing stuff. Alll over the place. Like, I’ll have a ‘heaviest day’ period for precisely three hour and then nothing for two weeks, when I will get the rest of it.

      Or there will be a week between periods.
      And it’s horrid.

      1. catweazlol +5

        When I was in my early 20s my period was super irregular and once I got it four times in two months. I try to remind myself of that whenever I think I’m having a bad one now.

      2. cornpancake +3

        Oh oh oh, is this real? I’m having this this week (2 days of bleeding through a super tampon per hour, separated by a day of nothing that made me think my period was over) and it’s never happened before. I’ve been very stressed. Could it be just the stress?

    2. hearyoume +15

      My period is doing this thing where it’s super irregular and only decides to show up right after I’ve changed my sheets, or when my boyfriend is mid-thrust. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    3. aravisthequeen +5

      I will tell a story that will make everyone feel better.

      In high school our uniform required khaki pants. (I know.) Being a teenager my period was usually….scary….and one day I bled through a tampon, through a pad, and ALL OVER my khaki pants onto the seat of the desk in French class. So I slung my backpack very very low/behind me and went to the nurse’s office, called my mom, and she had to come to school to bring me fresh pants and underwear. It was beyond humiliating to sit in the nurse’s office on a towel praying nobody I knew would come in.

      I don’t believe anybody ever found out, but it was horrifying at the time.

    5. sednarea51 +6

      oh my god, I am sorry- that sounds awful. Dumb uterus! I have chronic anemia that’s mostly kept in check with iron supplements and eating enough protein, but every couple of months it’s like my uterus decides “nope, sorry, we need ALL OF YOUR BLOOD”. One of these times was last week and weekend. I would happily have become a vampire on Saturday night if it meant that I could run errands without feeling like I was about to swoon like an overwhelmed Victorian maiden.

    6. ct330 +7

      THIS IS SORT OF HOW I GOT MY FIRST PERIOD.
      I thought I was dying.
      Also I turned ghostly white — and I’m an olive skinned person so this was a feat — and vomited.

      Not the best ~induction into womanhood~

    7. super_novice +38

      (… this weekend i thought my period was done and it was not and i may have ruined the sheets of the highly attractive and very tall gentleman i met earlier that evening and seduced by pointing at him and saying “I FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE.” i just pretended not to see in the morning and left. BYEEEEEE.)

    8. OshKoshMalosh +1

      Oh god. My period has been doing this thing over the past year where I spot for a week, and then have period for a week – 10 days (ugh, forever). And the period part is super heavy with tons of huge clots, and it’s weird. I know I need to go to the doctor and get it checked out, but I moved, and now I need to find a new doctor, and I’ve been dragging my feet.

      The worst part of all this is: my husband isn’t down with period sex (he’s getting better, but it’s still A Struggle), so there are like 2 weeks every month where I’m not getting any. If I could find a doctor, I might just get my whole uterus removed. Blech.

      1. GreenGrasses +2

        This is a lot like my period! I’ve never had regular periods (except for when I was on the pill) so now that I’m using the hormone implant, they’ve gone back to being CRAZY. It feels like sex can start random periods? And then I spot forever? And then I have a period for ten days? UUUGGGH. But everything’s healthy down there, so I think for the most part, people like us can just chalk it up to “bodiez r weird.”

        1. OshKoshMalosh +2

          Yes, sometimes sex will start the spotting and/or the period! Sometimes I’m like, yes, I’m finished, let’s get it on, and then ruin yet another pair of underwear.

          But in general, the periods are really regular, so it’s just what’s happening for now. I’m not on BC because my last go ’round gave me insane mood fluctuations, and I’m nervous to go back to that. If I could guarantee that I wouldn’t have to try a million types of BC before finding the one that works and doesn’t make me a crazy person, I’d probably go back on it.

    9. ChloeKEvil +6

      So last month my period decided to drastically change its routine after, like, ten years of being more or less the same. I had three days of spotting, barely enough to even call a period, and then WHOOSH. Usually I get one or two days of miserable cramps and then it tapers off over the next three. Last month this shit dragged on for a WEEK. I blame the new medication I started, but I’m hoping it doesn’t happen again because it was a pain in my ass. And my uterus.

      The grossest thing to happen was when I had to sit outside for a while on a park bench. I stood up and I could feel clots coming out, like every time I took a step, just blorp blorp blorp, flood of wetness in my crotch. I was going to walk to the store but I was kind of walking bow-legged so I just hurried home as fast as possible and waited it out.

    11. lesliejroot +5

      Congratulations, this story made me cover my mouth in horror. Strip of tissue, dear GOD, uterus, what were you thinking? Wait, no – white office chair, what were YOU thinking?

      Last month my period switched its “two to three days of just buckets of blood and then three to four more of light bleeding” with a 9-day moderately heavy bleed that was just full of clots. Like, I started to wonder if it was a spontaneous abortion of an early pregnancy rather than a period. This month it’s been my normal period but in reverse order, from light to heavy. We’re on day 5, shall see if it drags itself out again.

      Jury’s out as to whether this is school stress or my body being unhappy with my copper IUD.

      1. BobbieWickham +9

        I don’t know who decided that stark-white-modern-everything was a good look for an office of mostly women. LADIES BLEED ON THINGS.

        1. Steph +3

          Seriously! And plus the vacuuming and cleaning necessary to keep it stark and not dingy is likely ludicrous .

        2. Alli525 +3

          My (male) CEO’s office has all-white furniture – like, anything that can be upholstered is upholstered in white. I live in fear whenever we have a meeting in there.

    12. yrpretendfriend +7

      OMG period stories my favorite!!! One time I spent the night at my friends house in another city and I was preparing for my period so I brought my diva cup (clean but like kinda stained from use?) and I GUESS I dropped it on her floor and she said she found it and picked it up and was like what’s this? But then she realized and was kind of running around with it like what do I do?? And she texted me and I told her sorry and she could just throw it away. So now I don’t have a diva cup anymore. Also once I spilled the contents of my diva cup in the bathroom and it looked like a murder went down. Oops.

    13. huntress wizard +4

      I finally picked up another Diva Cup after a year or so without (my last one met an ignominious end in a public bathroom). It really is making my super-random Nexplanon periods 1000% easier to deal with. With tampons, it was a crapshoot – will this bleed through in a matter of minutes, or will it be so light that I basically scour out my vagina trying to remove it? THE WORST.

    14. elsamac +3

      OH MY GOODNESS that would be both fascinating and (in the moment) alarming.

      My only good menstrual story right now is from last month, when I was admitted to the hospital twice in a week for two emergency surgeries.

      So, y’know what’s fun what you have a nurse assigned to monitor your “output” for possible post-surgical bleeding? STARTING YOUR PERIOD EARLY.

      The nurse and I exchanged such a look before I pulled up my calendar and said “… well, it could be.” And it was, which is nice, since we were all pretty worried for a day or so.

    15. Alli525 +5

      One morning, I was hanging out with the guy I was in love with (for like 7 years, who did not love me back, but we were best friends, and slept together whenever he was in town… oy) post-coitus at his sister’s friend’s apartment, and just as we got up to leave, I noticed that there was a moist spot on the (thankfully dark leather) chair I had been sitting on. My period had ended the week before, so there was no way it had happened again, right? WRONG. Plus I was wearing a white miniskirt. Luckily my shirt was juuuuuuuust long enough to pull down and if I wore my purse more like a backpack, I was able to finagle my way through a quick subway ride home and into bed for the rest of the weekend, where I languished in humiliation and told no one until right now.

      TL;DR: crazy love hormones + giant penis = uh oh

    16. Goomaly +2

      Eight inches of uterine tissue, what? Is a uterus even eight inches long? In any direction? Hell if I know, I don’t use mine.

    17. MmeSiniichulok +2

      Despite the dire warnings of lactivists about my combo feeding my baby, I didn’t get my period back until nine months postpartum, when he weaned himself. It was fairly light and painless (the other ones had been on the heavy end of normal, and awful), and I had three altogether, about fifty days apart, until last month when there was nothing (they’ve always been 31 days apart, like a diabolical timer). I kept feeling myself up, because without morning sickness (yes, I was one of THOSE), sore boobs was the only way I could tell during the first trimester that I was pregnant. Either because of this or, as the doctor suspects, I have a small prolactinoma (benign pituitary tumor that elevates prolactin), I have elevated prolactin and am not pregnant. If it’ the latter, it can be eliminated with a quick round of meds). But I’m EXTREMELY premenstrual now, to the point that I ranted about something in excessive detail on Facebook, which I ordinarily consider gauche. I’m hoping that feeling myself up too much made me overproduce prolactin, and that I bleed in the next few days so I get to skip the MRI in November (which the doctor is not at all worried about because a prolactinoma is apparently Not A Big Deal and they’re only rushing it because we’d like to spawn again soon). It’s supremely ironic to me–I always hated my periods, and now I would give anything to see one. I’m even weirdly envious of your strip of tissue. I’ve been wearing light pants to taunt Fate. I’m sure I’ll change my mind and hate it again once it shows up though.

  63. Sea_Money +4

    Toasties! One of my new lab mates calls things retard. I’m not sure when I stopped being able to interrupt that kind of thing, but now it has been weeks! I think in general she is not well oriented in Political correctness (For instance she has a stance on the Redskins and Chiefs that I disagree with, but also did not comment on when it came up.) Today officemate read something posted on facebook that was a long the lines of “Last year Taylor Swift and Michael J Fox were in a feud last year but since then they’ve both been able to shake it off” And we had an awkward exchange about how that is something I could never post with out being called out for. She’s new to the lab group and going to be doing a PhD here so I want to be careful about how I approach this, but I just feel so uncomfortable every time it happens. And it makes me like her so much less.

    1. deleted2997279 +5

      Paging figwiggen, she is so good at this stuff and especially with that word.

      I think a basic “I do not like that word, please do not use it around me.” is good. It makes about you, not her, and if you ask nicely there really is no reasonable response other than “Oh I’m sorry of course.”

      1. Sea_Money +4

        Yes but the problem is that I let is slip past a few times now? Like this morning we all got coffee and she said she does not like getting a tall iced because the cups are so small they look retarded (doubly awkward because I had gotten a tall iced coffee). I used to tell people to “Choose another word” but I did it reflexively and was in a place where I was less worried about my interactions with people.

        1. deleted2997279 +10

          That’s okay!! You don’t have to say something to someone right away or the first time they do something that makes you uncomfortable. To wit – I have a Dude coworker who used to call all women girls. I didn’t say anything for months because it was the wrong time (well, it either actually was a wrong time or I just wasn’t ready) but finally a moment came where I could tell him to stop. And he did (mostly).

          Another idea, which is more confrontational than my original idea but less so than directly saying “Choose another word” (that is a good one though, I like it!) is to ask “Why?” or “How so?” which forces the person to explain, hopefully in non-ableist terms, what they mean and then you can encourage them to use THOSE words next time instead. What DOES make the shape of a coffee mug retarded anyway??? I mean really.

        2. LeastBittern +2

          I like “choose another word”; also, probably, she doesn’t have an internal list of every time she’s said that word around you: I wouldn’t worry about not confronting it in the past.

    2. figwiggin +9

      Oof, this sort of thing definitely gets harder the longer you let it go without saying anything.* I agree with polka_stripes’ use of “I” statements. “That word makes me really uncomfortable and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t use it.” With a closer relationship you can (sometimes) sort of get into the whys and wherefores of the word being problematic in general, but with somebody new or not particularly close to you, a lot of times they’ll react defensively. I mean, if this labmate presses you as to why the word makes you uncomfortable, feel free to explain further. I am not going to tell you HOW to approach this because that’s your choice and tone policing sucks, but especially with people I am acquaintances with who I think are not trying to be actively horrible, if they ask I try to present it with a trajectory of empathy toward folks who would be personally hurt by the word. I give them the benefit of the doubt unless they’ve immediately come off as shitheads, in which case I don’t so much mind being abrasive back. Especially when I’m trying to advocate for someone else who isn’t present, I want to be patient and forgiving so that they’re more likely to think about things and understand why their words or attitude are troubling. I’m not a person with a visible disability and I’m not trans or a person of color, so I’m not experiencing the same crush of microaggressions every day that they are–if I can, I want to take a little of that responsibility people often put on them to teach the world about their minority status (without talking over someone with a closer connection to that status, of course).

      Woof, that was a long ramble and I’m not sure I said anything helpful. I will continue to think about this!

      *I have an upper-level coworker who very, VERY rarely uses the r-word and I’m currently conflicted about how to broach it since she is my superior–but she also hasn’t used it in some months in front of me, so.

      1. Sea_Money +2

        I do think that something like “I’m not sure I understand what you mean?” might work. I think part of my hesitation is that I am not currently living in a place where the is not a culture of being mindful and respectful. I am used to living in a community (and do still, to the extent that we live on the internet) where people are knowledgeable, careful and mindful about the words they use and their power. I have a fear of becoming the person who is policing all of these things within the grad student community. This time last year I went through a similar thing with another officemate who called things “gay”. I get the sense that the attitude is “There is not a person with a disability, a trans person, or person of color in the room so these things are ok” and then you can just add to that “and not in front of Sea Money either”

    3. mollyculetheory +7

      When I was a wee grad student one of my same-year labmates sometimes called things “faggy” as a pejorative & an older grad student one day was just like “can you please try not to use that word, it makes me uncomfortable because [brief explanation of why its problematic]” and she responded something like “wow, I wasn’t thinking about it like that, I’m sorry” and gradually completely stopped saying it. So it’s not necessarily going to be a huge awkward deal!

    4. RocktheDebit +1

      Also, a lot of the language she’s using could cause her career trouble, especially in an academic setting (I don’t know if she’s planning an academic career or not, but I suspect she’ll probably TA at least once as a grad student)

      Maybe, if there’s a crop of grad students, the department could have a mandatory seminar on problematic language, structured as a ‘this is language some folks find offensive or disrespectful, so we want you to get out of the habit of using it before an undergrad makes a Formal Complaint’

  64. PonyAlong +6

    Horse Alert! So yesterday I went on a short trail ride with two other riders and Red (the horse) was stellar: he handled three big excavators with merely a raised eyebrow, took the lead like a boss whilst in the woods AND forged a small creek with hardly any hesitation (okay, he followed a buddy but I’ll take it!).

    Now if he’d just get over his fear of OTHER HORSES, we would be unstoppable!

    1. Rillquiet +3

      Good job, Red, whozagooboyden. Is he actually spooky of the other horses or just very low in the herd hierarchy and inclined to sidle away?

      I finally caved and bought biking shorts, because dressage and a friend’s merciless saddle had left me with tremendous bruises on my seat bones, and this week I tried ’em under my Kerrits. Whaaaat a wonderful difference; I’ve wasted years when I could’ve been comfortable! Dear ischial tuberosities, I’m so sorry!

      1. PonyAlong +3

        Yep, that’s it…poor Red, always low man on the totem pole. He’s fine in a group ride situation (kinda sorta) but he loses his cool when approached head-on by other horses, even those he knows! The last time he tried bolting was when two riders peekaboo’d behind a small grassy ridge. I tried conversing with Migs (rider) to help Red understand that he knows her AND her horse, but nope…1 sec, 2 sec, 3 sec, head up, ears pricked forward, body frozen, then BAM! Red was “I just can’t take it, I’m off” and thank goodness for one rein stops. He only got two or three steps and then quickly quieted once he figured out he was his “safe zone”. (Pulling his head around seems to have turned into a self soothing action; he does it on his own when feeling troubled, ie. asking to stand quietly). He was better yesterday when approached by two fellow riders coming down the lane, but his fear was palpable, poor wee guy.

        I know it will get better with more exposure and confidence training (moving bossy horses around using a flag is something I’d like to try) but I also know his general lack of horsey self-esteem will be with him his entire life. But what horse doesn’t have his/her quirks, amirite?

        Sent from my iPad

        1. Rillquiet +5

          Nope, no equine foibles here; it’s totally normal to be pricked-ears-stock-still-trembling-drenching-sweat-ditch-the-rider terrified of inverted wheelbarrows, after all.

          So much depends
          upon

          a grey wheel
          barrow

          glazed with rain
          water

          hiding horse-eating
          boggarts

          I got very good at sitting out spooks and freaks with one troubled OTTB, so at least Red is helping you really glue your seat down, right? (A friend found that her big palomino’s sudden-onset nervousness came from being bullied by another gelding in turnout, and she got so angry at seeing him pinned in a corner that she chased the aggressor around the paddock, hollering and waving a leadrope; after a few minutes, her horse joined in, all, “You tell him, Mom! Give him the what-for!” She said her horse recovered his confidence and seemed to be a lot happier in the herd after that, and that the bully hastily skulked away whenever he saw her at the gate. Horses! Always something new.)

          1. PonyAlong +2

            Hah! Love your poem! Regarding your palomino story: I did just that for a mare (Abby) that was getting shoved around by “the mean girls”. Pretty soon, she was behind me as well, going “YEAH, WHAT SHE SAID!” And you can bet whenever I headed out that pasture to give Abby some personal time, those bossy mares kept their distance AND moved their asses when I said “beat it”.

            Horses! Gotta love ’em.

            Sent from my iPad

      2. spideress +1

        What? I’ve never heard of this!! I have had some intensive dressage lessons leave me with major butt bruises and I’ve never heard of bike shorts under the britches. Thank you so so much!

        1. Rillquiet +1

          Pearl Izumi’s Sugar Shorts are working for me, but YMMV, so try things on if you can–and avoid anything with an inside seam (ow).

    2. Es_Petal +3

      Check him out! I have had a good horse day today (it’s 10pm here) – sat on my four year old for the first time 3 weeks ago and today we went out for the first time without a foot-soldier and the first time with another horse. Clever boy!

      Maiden solo voyage!

  65. YoungLeafedJune +2

    The Blazing World is so good! Though I felt like it started puttering along pretty early and I wasn’t satisfied with how it ended (In my mind, Harry engineered Rune’s richly deserved death), I didn’t really care because of how amazingly Hustvedt crafts characters and paints all of sexism’s little incursions and affirms my misandry. Anyway, Harry talks at one point about various historical examples of crossdressing (and maybe also transgender individuals?). Does anyone know of any books on the subject? Men and women in history presenting themselves as another gender than previously for utilitarian or identity reasons.

    1. laylapalooza +2

      I got so excited for a second because I thought you were talking about Margaret Cavendish’s The Blazing World and I am finishing up a chapter on that right this moment.

      BUT THIS LOOKS COOL TOO!

  66. katiemcgillicuddy +19

    SPORTSSSSS OH FUCK ALL, LET’S JUST TALK ABOUT JETER

    Hey guys! As irritating as the whole Jeter circle jerk has been all season, and yeah, hes pretty much not good at baseball anymore, but haha oh god last night, I DON’T EVEN CARE if the pitch was grooved, whatever, he hit it, you can’t plan that, good fucking lord. Here is my Derek story.

    When I was a kid, I was a huge Yankee fan. My town (DC) didn’t have a team (you guys know now I live and die by the Nats) and it felt weird being an Oriole fan (nothing but mad love for you Baltimore) so at a very early age, I adopted my dad’s team, the goddamn New York Yankees, and Derek Jeter was my favorite human being on the planet. When I was 13, I finally went to a Yanks game (in Baltimore) and I was in HEAVEN. I watched batting practice, glove and ball in hand, hoping for an autograph from someone, anyone, DJ, Tino, Paul O’Neill, the guy selling peanuts, ANYONE. Alas, BP ended, and I (still happy as a clam) headed back to my seat. Jeter was out for this particular game, and so he was still hanging out in the infield playing catch with a coach, when some idiot in the stands starts yelling, “HEY JEET! JEET!” I’m thinking, “who is this loser” when ALL OF A SUDDEN, Jeter comes running over to him RIGHT as I am passing this guy. Turns out he actually knows him! So little, baby, 13-year-old me is RIGHT NEXT TO DEREK JETER and I just stand there like a moron. People start noticing Jeter, and they start to run down for autographs and pictures, and some stupid old Orioles usher dude starts yelling “MR JETER ISN’T SIGNING ANY AUTOGRAPHS RIGHT NOW”. Jeter looks at the guy, waves him off and turns to me and says “Hey, how are ya? You enjoying the game so far?? Nice hat!” I said what amounted to “klsjahfklsfherehgri7” He takes my ball from my hand, signs it, TOUCHES MY HAND IN THE PROCESS and says “Hey, okay have a good time today!” He then signed autographs and took pictures for people until the game started. I was 13 and it was amazing. So. Here’s to you Jeets, thanks for making that the greatest day of my adolescent life.

    Guys, talk to me about sportzzzz!!!!!!!!

    1. katiemcgillicuddy +6

      Also, good lord, if any of you has ever received one of his legendary gift-baskets, and can tell me what they contain, you win forever. God, I still love the guy but, what on actual earth.

    2. peytonopoly +2

      Awww that is an amazing story!

      I’m getting ready for hockey season but am pretty sad that so many Penguins are injured. Just heard Beau Bennett is having knee trouble, and I just want to wrap everyone up in bubble wrap OK??? No injuries ever!!

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +1

        Yeah, you guys are pretty beat up. I am a Caps fan, so a little part of me says “muahahaha” but not really, you never want to see injuries.

        Brooks Orpik is on my team now. I do not know what to do with that.

    3. rangiferina +4

      ahhhh that’s a wonderful story! I am not a huge baseball fan, but watching the Yankees with my dad (or listening to them on the radio) has been one of “our” things for the past… gosh, probably 12-15 years. and Jeter’s always been there. I watched most of the game last night with him, of course, though I had to bow out before it was over – dad gave me the rundown once I got back and rewound to the bottom of the 9th so I could see it for myself. It was really special, and I’m going to miss watching that man play next season.

      (also, I love love love this essay by Roger Angell: http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2014/09/08/slon…. Do it again, Derek.)

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +1

        I watched last night with my dad, and we were just laughing at the absurdity of it all. It was great.

    4. catoclock +4

      That story is adorable!

      My best friend spent her formative years in New Jersey and is a diehard, borderline aggressive Yankees fan, so I’ve been trolling her all week by pretending not to know who Derek Jeter is.

    5. rkfire +3

      This is a lovely story. 🙂

      Btw, I got tickets to game 1 of the ALDS! I am so, so excited. 😀

      I am also doing very well in my fantasy fb league right now, and I will be watching the Grand Finale of Aussie Rules Football this evening at the Australian embassy. (My husband just joined the local footy team just to get some field sports time in, but doesn’t want to commit to anything as organized as rugby union in the US.)

      SPORTS

      1. rkfire +5

        ALSO! We actually got season tickets for the Os 2015 season to secure our tickets for the postseason. It’s maybe the biggest financial sports commitment I’ve made. I’ve been trying to justify it as a CSA but for baseball tickets, even though I imagine that the model sharing may have been the other way around, if it existed at all.

      2. katiemcgillicuddy +1

        Game 1, awesome! I’m kind of holding off because I’m like, actively trying to jinx us or something…but I kind of turn 30 the day that would be game 4 of the [redacted] and it would be in the home city of the NL team. So I’m kind of fixated on saving time and money for that week IN CASE. I’m such an idiot.

        Have fun watching tonight!

      3. eastcoastanne +2

        I am going to game 2!!!!!! My parents were somehow able to get 2 extra tickets. My parents are also going to game 1 and 3. They have had season tickets for at least 10 years, you will have so much fun next season it will be work it.

        1. rkfire +1

          I am really looking forward to it! We really love going to Camden Yards, but before we would just rely on friends with extra tickets. Now we’re in a better spot financially so it’s nice to be able to do this shit on our own.

    6. rangiferina +2

      also did anyone see the ridiculous 30-penalty shootout between Liverpool and Middlesbrough on Tuesday, because… holy shit. I was at work/class but reading the liveblog after the fact was absolutely nuts.

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +1

        I didn’t see it live, but jesus christ, that was insane!! Poor Middlesbrough, how goddamn disheartening that must have been.

      2. huntress wizard +1

        I missed it and was SO MAD that I had when I read the recap.

        And now tomorrow is my only day to sleep in and the Liverpool/Everton match is on at 7:45am my time D:

    7. catoclock +2

      Premier League, anybody? I’ve been increasingly charmed by adorable upstarts Leicester City, with their lil fox mascot and Vardy’s ridiculous hair and that amazing upset over Manchester United last week. Most fun soccer game I’ve seen in a long time.

      2. rangiferina +1

        I haven’t been able to see Leicester City play at all yet, but omg their crest is PRETTY. also, any team that beats Man United 5-3 is OK in my book. 😉

    8. tekkah +3

      I’ve never been a Yankee fan (though my husband has been trying really hard since we started dating to soften me to them), but it was hard last night not to get a little misty watching all the tributes and the fans in the stands being so enthusiastic about sending him off properly. Plus, when he hit that final walk-off single I’m pretty sure my husband woke the entire neighborhood with his screaming about how it was perfection and “THAT’S MY MAN, CLOSE IT DOWN!!!” and all sorts of other things basically praising Jeter to the heavens. Watching the presser afterward was hard, considering half the questions were variations on “Did you cry? How about now? Are you crying now?” but I thought he handled it well, and it’s always a big deal watching a lifelong career player retire, you know? I think my husband felt the same way I felt last night when I was losing my mind during Chipper Jones’s last game.

      It was pretty hard not to think of those “Yeah, Jeets!” stories, though. I’m still curious about what’s in those baskets.

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +1

        Ugh, the crying questions. I will say, he was killing me in the 8th because you could tell he was struggling not to lose it.

        I like to think some of the YEAH JEETS stories are so stupid they can’t be real, because when you fall for a balllplayer at age 10, you’re kind of done for, so I just pretend he’s perfect. Still want to know what’s in those (theoretical) baskets.

    9. roboticaquatic +4

      Aww, sweet story.

      I’m a Royals fan and I could throw up at any given moment. SO CLOSE BUT SO FAR AWAY.

    10. meetapossum +2

      GIIIIIIIIIIIANNNNNNNNNTSSSSSS!!!

      (Sorry)

      (Not sorry)

      But seriously, when are they going to glue back together RGIII’s porcelain bones?

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +3

        DAMMIT, I was going to say something specifically to you, but then I thought, “maybe meetapossum completely forgot that game happened”.

        HIS LEGS AREN’T PORCELAIN, oh god, are they, oh my god maybe they are

        At least everyone has shut up about Kirk Cousins being a good QB.

        1. meetapossum +1

          Four interceptions! That’s Eli-style playing. I was watching with my Cowboys-fan friend, so that was fun. We hypothesize that RGIII is like Samuel L. Jackson’s character in unbreakable.

      2. shinkickmorning +1

        I was just really excited but then I realized you meant the new york football giants, not my beloveds.

    11. PunnyDreadful +3

      My loyalty to the Mets is as firm as The Manderlys to House Stark. The North (Jersey) Remembers (1986) is what we would say. I have a profound dislike for anyone who likes the Yankees, unless they grew up in the Bronx or Manhattan. And let me tell you, watching that last game, I was filled with affection and feeling and happiness that only baseball is capable of making you feel (besides true love, I guess). So damn you Jeter. You made me cheer for the Yankees, and I’ll hate you always for it.

      Also how great is it that he gets to end his year at Fenway, and shove it in those Bostonians faces.

    12. shinkickmorning +3

      THANKS, BREWERS, FOR CRAPPING THE BED WORSE THAN WE DID!!!

      I just want to watch Hunter Pence’s clubhouse speech unbleeped 14,000 times. come onnnnnnnn even year!

      1. figtreecooking +1

        HOW WAS THAT REEEEEAL??

        Also let’s go on tumblr and look at all the pictures of champagne-drenched Buster. Because, damn.

        1. shinkickmorning +1

          I live in chicago so my baseball watching/listening is usually me falling asleep with the ipad going. I woke up at the grand slam call and was just like “FUCKING NO.” and turned it off. I was delighted to see they did come back when I woke up this morning. And the first thing I saw on facebook was hunter pence’s speech.

          It’s such a shame Pagan had to miss it, that dude is beautiful.

          OH PS did you see Kontos post a picture from rookie dress up day with a naked teammate in the background? I still haven’t figured out who that was.

          2. figtreecooking +1

            Grr, post by email didn’t work for some reason. My friend and got really into that pic on Twitter and decided it was Panik. It’s hard, because he’s wearing a necklace and nobody was in the later pics, but the black shorts and body type fit.

            Also, hoo boy, did he ever look hot in that nurse costume!

    13. blushingflower +1

      That is a great Derek Jeter story! I too, grew up a Yankee fan, and Jeter has been playing for them since I was 12, so it is really sad for me. (Also, even sadder to me is the thought that Bob Sheppard’s voice will no longer be heard in Yankee Stadium). Everything I have read about him makes it sound like he has always been a gracious and classy guy. That could just be hagiography, but I think if he were a known douche the farewells would not have been what they have been. He claims (of course) that the gift baskets are made-up, but who knows!?

      Today the Nats clinched home field advantage and I am DEFINITELY buying my boyfriend a Fister jersey for Xmas.

        1. blushingflower +2

          When you get a chance you should watch the hug between Fister and Loboton, even the announcers were commenting on how much they clearly love each other. I love love love watching athletes celebrate victories/achievements, especially when it is on-field and spontaneous, so when I got to work today I watched the video of DJ’s walk-off and then Nats highlights.

    14. huntress wizard +2

      *tiny whisper* yeah jeets

      I’m a Red Sox fan, so I spent last night heartily enjoying watching what was basically a AA team kick the shit out of the Rays. Ha ha, fuck the Rays. And yay, Castillo’s and Vazquez’s first major league home runs!

      And in non-team also-a-sport news, I went to a gotdamn amazing charity figure skating show last weekend. Guyyyyyyyys I got to meet Johnny Weir! And Jeremy Abbott! And Paul Wylie! And my true love Alissa Czisny! And I got to see live synchro for the first time and it was breathtaking/terrifying!

  67. ct330 +13

    Oh, could I shamelessly self-promote for a sec? Since we’ve had some Buffy coverage on The Toast today? I wrote a thing! It’s my first thing I’ve ever written using Medium and it comes with PRETTY PICTURES. (It also comes with a trigger warning. It’s about “Reptile Boy,” and roofies.)

    1. CleverManka +3

      I promised my Beloved a tailored shirt last xmas and I haven’t even drafted the pattern yet and it’s September and I feel like such an asshole, ugh.

    2. daisicles +3

      I’m thinking of seeing if I can manage croissants to give to my mother for Christmas. The batch of crepes I made for her last year were a big hit, but she likes croissants even more and the recipes I’ve found look easier than I thought they’d be. But I’d definitely need to make a test batch soon, otherwise I won’t have time to plan to make something else. At least I know she’d like crepes and a new jar of Nutella…

      Mom also gave me a stand mixer a few weeks ago as an early birthday present, so I’m thinking about homemade marshmallows for my sister and her husband to go with some hot chocolate mix and other wintry food stuff. I made them hot chocolate mix last year, but I think I’d be better off with some nice store-bought stuff this time. The homemade didn’t turn out as nice as I’d hoped.

      What are you sewing?

      1. littlehuntingcreek +1

        I’m making Crazy Quilted Christmas Stockings and Needle Felted Christmas stockings as gifts for family and coworkers.
        These are fun to make because each one is different. That way I don’t get bored making everything alike

        1. daisicles +3

          Oh, those sound lovely! My grandma made a bunch of quilted stockings and tree skirts for the family eons ago and I’ve always thought it would be nice to do something like that for family members that’ve been added in the intervening decades.

      1. paddlepickle +1

        I just made a reddit account but I can’t figure out how to comment on this thread, what is wrong with me??

  70. thecaitd +15

    I’m breaking up with my boyfriend this weekend. I’m sad.

    But also! I am doing two fun things next week — Oct 2 I am going to drink a lot and sing show tunes at Marie’s Crisis, and Oct 5 the NY Toasties are having a tea party in the park. All Toasticles in the NYC area are quite welcome to attend both!

    1. ct330 +2

      Aww, I’m sorry you’re sad. I’m also a NYC Toastie if you need someone to make you misandry brownies and drink wine with you. Also OH MY GOD Marie’s Crisis! I have a flight to Denver super early on Oct 3 but I WANT TO COME SEE YOU SING/SING WITH YOU!!! I can’t make it to the tea party 🙁

      1. thecaitd +1

        I saw that you would be out of town — too bad! My coworkers and I try to hit Marie’s once a month or so, so there will definitely be other chances. And thank you so much for the offer of brownies and wine — I would really like to take you up on that offer! You can tweet at me @thecaitd (I think we follow each other? maybe?)

  71. TheAntiHumorEquation +28

    I haven’t seen anyone post about this yet, but as a site that has a lot of librarians, and also a site that is opposed to sexual harassers and the bully tactics they use to silence women, I think everyone here might be interested to know that two librarians are being sued for $1.25 million because they dared to talk about the harassing behavior of one Joe Murphy, a library conference mainstay and asshole. They are looking for donations to help them fight the suit, they are looking for people to spread the word (#teamharpy on Twitter), and, most importantly, if you are a librarian and can provide witness about Joe Murphy’s behavior, they really need that. Thanks.

    1. Goomaly +3

      I’ve been catching glimpses of that on Twitter lately from my feminists, but then a librarian I follow mentioned it, and I was really confused because usually those two streams don’t cross. So I finally followed up on it, and wow.

          1. TheAntiHumorEquation +4

            The Toast is on that shit, and I noticed after I posted that it made the roundup. Figured I’d keep my post up in case anyone missed it.

        2. Goomaly +3

          I don’t know about that, it’s just that I follow two types on Twitter: people who tweet feminist things, and people who tweet librarian things. You can only tweet so much.

  72. hearyoume +17

    Here is something depressing:

    I was doing some research on home remedies for yeast infections (because the chemicals in Monistat kind of scare me) and I came across a forum where a woman was asking for advice after her symptoms had been around for ~2 weeks. She said something to the effect of “Apparently I’m supposed to avoid having sex but I don’t see that happening – my husband’s already waited this long!” and it just made me so, so sad.

    No one else in the forum brought up how utterly messed up it is that her husband (a) feels entitled to sex and (b) feels so entitled that he doesn’t even care about her well-being.

    Like, obviously my boyfriend is bummed out that we have to keep things PG for a while, but he’s way less concerned about that and way more concerned about me feeling better.

    I just know that this woman’s husband’s attitude is really common and it makes me hate the world.

    2. paperbgprincess +3

      Ugh ugh ugh to that dude.

      Relatedly, I tried the garlic thing once, and I DID NOT LIKE IT. I could taste garlic in my mouth the whole time it was in. Super gross.

      1. hearyoume +2

        The garlic thing is actually working really well for me! I like the taste of garlic, though. I also do it at night so I’m asleep & don’t really notice the taste.

      2. catoclock +14

        I’VE HEARD THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS, that’s so weird and disconcerting.

        I’m actually just finishing up a course of Monistat (too impatient to avoid the chemicals!), and my boyfriend has been totally great and not even a garbage person about it, it’s almost like it’s not even that hard to treat your partner like a human being instead of a walking wang repository WEIRD.

        1. Sea_Money +1

          Its so weird but also so cool. I have taken to sticking a thread through the garlic for easy removal. UGH that husband! I have worked so hard to be in a place where I’m just like if you can’t handle all the information you can’t get with this” “I have to pee right now so I don’t get a UTI”

    3. rallisaurus +2

      That is so sad!

      Yeast Infection forums are the weirdest! But boric acid capsules…way better than monistat!

    4. Steph +1

      All the 🙁 to that lady, and all with side-eye to her husband. What a self-centred asshat he is. >:(

    5. figtreecooking +7

      Pregnancy forums are all full of women saying their husbands are upset they can’t have sex because they have, like, placenta previa WHERE THE PLACENTA COULD DETACH.

      Also, best Tumblr post ever:

      Dude: female privilege is getting to claim a headache to get out of having sex
      Female reblogger: male privilege is not having to fake sickness in order to refuse sex

  73. Echolocation +3

    I’ve had a cold for a week that migrated upwards from my chest to my head, and I woke up this morning with nausea, vomiting and diarrhea. I have the day off from work and school but I’m going to spend it pooping 🙁

  74. sednarea51 +1

    Disgusting beauty question here. I have a horrifying proto-zit that’s been hanging out under my nose for the past week or so. I’ve faithfully put salicylic acid gel on it every night- sometimes multiple times. I’ve also tried hot compresses (multiple times), a clay mask, and honey. And it just stays there being big and red and painful. >:( So. Anyone have any tips or suggestions?

    1. GreenGrasses +4

      Mario Badescu buffering lotion!! I used to have terrible hormonal cystic acne, and Mario B’s stuff was the only thing that worked. For really big proto-zits it can take like two or three nights, but it will help I promise!

      Also, salicylic acid is just a chemical exfoliant, so it doesn’t work super well for deep zits 🙁 A benzoyl peroxide 2% treatment might be more effective!

      1. sednarea51 +1

        thank you! I’m fortunate in that these only pop up occasionally, so I’m not sure if I want to try the Badescu yet, but I will keep that in reserve. I may start with some cheapo benzoyl peroxide from the drugstore.

    2. mittensblum +4

      I’ve found that benzoyl peroxide works better for me in decreasing the size of existing zits (vs, like, cleaning out pores of nascent gross breakouts). Have you tried that?

      Lush’s Grease Lightning is also great, or I’ve heard you can just use straight tea tree oil.

      1. sednarea51 +1

        awesome- thank you! I don’t get these that often, but when they do show up they’re /awful/. And this one is unusually long-lived and resistant to my usual tricks. I’ll see if I can grab either benzoyl peroxide or tea tree oil next time I’m out.

    3. wrappedupinbooks +2

      sometimes I find that if I just leave it alone for a while it dies down, all those chemicals are harsh and can aggravate your already-sensitive skin even more

    5. Faintly_Macabre +4

      As someone who gets those a lot, there’s often not a ton you can do. I usually alternate between leaving it alone (not scrubbing/dousing it in stuff or picking at it) and putting on straight tea tree oil right before bed. My skin can handle tea tree oil straight from the bottle, but YMMV. The tea tree oil sometimes seems to help the skin layers shed faster and bring stuff to the surface without too much irritation.

  75. bxstatic +44

    Just wanted to comment on Ed. Champion’s threats against Porochista Khakpour (on the link round-up)

    Porochista was my creative writing professor and thesis adviser at college. She was incredibly supportive to me and all her students, really made herself available to us, and encouraged us to be real in our writing and really put ourselves. She made it possible for us to really put our vulnerabilities out there by talking about her own. She talked about how writing is a “bold fucking act” because you’re saying that you and your words have authority, that they matter, that you’re going to release your thoughts in public and fuck other people if they don’t agree with what you say, or are going to judge you as a person based on you’re writing.

    She talked about the challenges of being a writer, of knowing you want to write, and the psychological toll that can take and was open about the anxieties and depression that are common to many of us. This made it possible for a couple girls in the class to talk about things like sexual assault and rape — because Porochisa was willing to put herself out there, show she wasn’t afraid to be her true self in students, even if she was our professor.

    This is all to say she was the ultimate example of someone who is there for and willing to stand up for her students (and herself). This Ed Champion stuff (if it has any meaning) has to do with how Porochista is a writer who is THERE for the writing community, who makes a point to be honest and kind and real.

  76. avidbiologist +3

    I forwarded my girlfriend’s resume to my previous boss (not saying she was my gf) because I know they’re looking to fill the position I left almost a month ago and she doesn’t like her job right now, and they’re interested!!

    And now I’m really nervous because I don’t know when is a good time to disclose that we’re dating? Like I don’t want to hide it but I also don’t want to ruin my gf’s chances at this job if she wants it because she’s had a really rough time with jobs lately. Maybe I should leave it up to her to disclose? Our office is pretty open and friendly but I can’t think of any examples of within-department relationships so maybe it WOULD be weird? We’d be in the same overall dept of 50+ people but on different teams so there wouldn’t be any of that kind of worry, at least.

    tl;dr: relationships + jobs = ??

    2. LeastBittern +4

      I don’t think anyone has to tell unless it comes up in after-having-gotten-the-job conversation. She won’t be working with you, so that conflict of interest is out.

      I think I feel that way because you’re recommending someone for a job; the nepotism is implied. You’re already saying “I know and like this person, I want you to do good things for them because I like them, also because you guys need good people.”

      Stuff like “no I like this person the best” slightly implies “my judgement might be flawed when it comes to this person, because I think they are the sun and moon and thinking someone is the sun and moon is correlated with not caring about how bad they are with deadlines”.

  77. tekkah +7

    I’m sort of iffy on this Ello thing. It interests me, but I am also skeptical that it will go anywhere.

    2. huntress wizard +2

      Likewise. I jumped on early only because I wanted a particular username, but it was ALREADY TAKEN. Like, WHAT IS THE USE of it if it’s weird and closed-off and I can’t even get the username I want?

    3. LeastBittern +2

      My Facebook is approaching 20% ads though, even after discounting friends who are advertising their stuff or stuff for other companies. I kinda want it to get off the ground enough that Facebook does some damage control in name access and also maybe fewer terrible ads.

      I mention this to other people, and they say “those ads are really easy to mentally filter out though.” They are less easy to filter out if a lot of your Facebook friends are conservative moms.

  78. The_Backson +4

    Toasties, I need your advice.

    My roommate told me yesterday that her dirtbag boyfriend coerced her into having sex with him. Apparently, despite not wanting to have sex as a general rule, every once in a while he decides he wants to and guilt trips her until she lets him.

    This is clearly rape, but I danced around explicitly saying so because she’s been date raped in the past and was abused as a kid, and I’m worried that telling her that this is also rape might put her in a very dark place, mentally. She struggles with depression and I’m just really worried about her. 🙁 I did tell her that what he did was not okay at all and it’s not acceptable that he just decides they’ll have sex and forces her into it, but balked at the word rape.

    She knows my opinion of him and has, basically as long as I’ve known her, wanted to break up with him, but opportunities keep coming up and she keeps not doing it because she hates confrontation and is really scared of being alone. She also thinks she can’t do better than him.

    What do I do? Do I just stay out of it, and be the person she can talk to when she needs it? Any advice would be much appreciated 🙁

    1. Bryn (Plus Others) +12

      I am really sorry that this happened to your roommate.

      I do not think you can fix it for her, but you can support her in fixing it for herself. Does she have a therapist? Or some other kind of support network? A best friend that you know?

      Also… only you know your roommate, obviously I am not there and I do not know. But as fellow childhood abuse survivors, we want to share that having people say the true things (like: I am sorry that he raped you, that is not okay. What kind of support can I give you?) is really, really powerful. I understand that fear that you will trigger her off into a bad place, but she is already dealing with the actual rape; I do not think you describing it to her would be worse, and it might be the first time in her life anyone actually said what she already knows is true.

      1. The_Backson +4

        She had a therapist but has run out of money to pay for sessions. Although I think maybe a couple hours might be covered by our school insurance? I’ll have to ask her if she’s looked into it.

        Her best friend is a guy who works with and is also a good friend of her boyfriend, and who is currently going through a pregnancy scare and so not really in a position to help her at the moment. The only support network she has consists of our mutual friends in grad school; I don’t think she’s told anyone else this, and I don’t feel comfortable sharing it with our friends because it’s not my story to share, you know?

        Ack. I think the only thing I can do is to continue letting her know that what he’s doing is not okay, and helping her see all the scummy things he does. Maybe eventually she’ll finally garner the courage to dump him.

        Thanks for listening!

        1. Bryn (Plus Others) +10

          Oh I definitely know about the not sharing with anyone else.

          Does she really want to dump him or is it just lip service? Because if she wants to and wants help, you guys could come up with a plan together.

          But I am going to say it again: I think on the underneath level she already knows it is also rape. I think the best thing you can do for her is to tell her the truth as you see it, and not treat her like a fragile thing. She has survived a lot already; she is tough. Believe in her toughness and her ability to thrive, and support those, rather than the wounds. If you are mincing words around her because you are afraid the words will hurt her, you are sending a message that what is happening to her is So Awful it cannot be talked about, and she probably already internalised that in childhood, she does not need more of it now. In the adult world of consent and support and communication, it is just a shitty thing that happens, not the end of all things. That is something you might be able to give her.

          1. The_Backson +3

            That’s an excellent point. You’re totally right, I shouldn’t be dancing around the issue.

            I think she wants to not be dating him but doesn’t want to be the dumper. She’s said numerous times she wishes he would dump her. Before we moved in together she was living with him, so she’s already taken steps to distance herself from him. Coming up with a plan is a good idea, I think – there’ll be steps set up that she can follow and not have the whole thing seem like an insurmountable task or some vague thing she knows she should do at some point in the future. There’d be concrete things to accomplish.

            I think I’ll talk to her this weekend about everything, and suggest talking to her therapist again and/or coming up with a plan together. If she seems ambivalent towards it, maybe we can come up with something else, or she may say that she doesn’t really want to break up with him. Either way, there’d be something to work off of.

    1. teresamackadoo +1

      WHAT. I was just thinking about rewatching the whole thing yesterday, but 4 seasons in a week seems a little ambitious. Damn you, Netflix!

    3. Alli525 +1

      NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

      well there go all my plans to go to the gym next week. let alone getting out of bed this weekend.

  80. thecaitd +4

    I kept seeing Fallen London mentioned in the Cocktail Hour threads so I tried it out last weekend. I’ve never played a text-based game before (and can barely manage any video games beyond Tetris) but I am having a surprising amount of fun. Who else plays?

      1. thecaitd +1

        Oh boy! I don’t know how to do that yet but I will definitely figure it out! I’m Miss Winifred Fan.

    3. ismymiddlename +1

      Yes, lots of us! I’m chercheuse on FL – send me a calling card, too! (From your lodgings, “attend to matters of society and scandal” and it’s the first option.)

  81. ballisticjaguar +10

    Last week at cocktail hour some Toasties suggested Hatoful Boyfriend. I bought it, played it, and loved it! (I even put all my other games on hold for it). So now I have been re-introduced to Steam (I am a mac user) and have found out that the Nancy Drew point-and-click mysteries I used to play are there, only there are a zillion new ones because they apparently never stopped making them. Seriously, there were 6 the last time I played them, now there are 30, soon to be 34.

    So basically, my gaming life is looking up recently. Thanks Toasties!

    1. BourneApprox +3

      Oh, hooray, I’m glad that turned out well for you! (Did you get the EXTRA ending???) And welcome back to Steam! Beware the impending return of the Thanksgiving and Winter sales… *Looks at the 30+ unplayed games in her library woefully.*

      1. ballisticjaguar +1

        Then you are the perfect person to suggest one to me! The only ones I’m certain I’ve played are Treasure in the Royal Tower and Secret of the Scarlet Hand.

        WHAT IS THE BEST ONE WHICH SHOULD I PLAY NEXT

        Ahem. I felt your all caps statement deserved some all caps in the response.

        1. yrpretendfriend +2

          OH MAN that’s tough. I really enjoyed The Silent Spy, I heard the shattered medallion is not very good. I also liked Tomb of The Lost Queen because ancient Egyptian tombs are fun. The only one I remember not liking was the Twister one but all the others I really like, although I played them a while ago so I don’t fully remember. Amazon reviews are also helpful. Also if you need help in the game (I always do) the website uhs-hints.com is nice they give you different levels of hints if you just need a small one.

    3. huntress wizard +2

      I lost a weekend to Hatoful Boyfriend, and even picked up the semi-sequel Holiday Star but haven’t had time to play it. Maybe this weekend!

  83. DoubtfulGuest +6

    Urgh. I worked up the courage to type out a lengthy post that I was nervous about making, and the submit button is just having none of it!

  84. tekkah +7

    So I’ve got a friend question. I’ve known this person for half my life, we met in high school and used to be best friends. We’ve had our ups and downs, and now as adults we’re not super close, but we’re more than acquaintances. She has grown into an adult who is a bit scatterbrained and incredibly flaky, and to me it feels like I’m way far down her list of priorities when it comes to spending her time with friends. That’s fine! I’m OK being down there! However, I’m getting a little tired of the flaking part. The few times we do make plans, it’s about a 50/50 shot whether or not they actually come to fruition, and it’s ALWAYS the day of the actual planned meeting, often mere hours ahead of when we’re supposed to meet, that she’ll text me that she’s not going to make it and an excuse. The excuses range from complete BS easily debunked 15 minutes later when she contradicts them on social media to actual, solid excuses. What should I do here? Should I just… start planning as though she’ll flake, so I’m not stuck going to lunch alone if she flakes on a lunch plan? I’ve already told her this frustrates me and she’s basically said “It’s just how I am,” so I’m kind of at a loss. I don’t want to stop making plans with her because I do enjoy our get-togethers when they actually happen, and I genuinely enjoy her company, but at the same time, I’m getting pretty sick of this pattern. Thoughts? Suggestions?

    1. paddlepickle +16

      Honestly? When she said “It’s just how I am” she said “I do not care about your feelings and have no intention of changing that”. There are many people in the world whose company you might enjoy– not to downplay the difficulty of finding them, but I think you’re better off looking for new friends than trying to make plans with someone who treats you that disrespectfully. I don’t think all flakes are terrible people who should not have friends, but if someone is incapable of sticking to a plan that relies on them to happen, I’ll invite them to parties but not bother doing anything one on one.

      1. tekkah +8

        Yeah, I’m starting to think maybe it’s best if the plans I make with her always involve other people, so that even if she doesn’t show up, the rest of us can still have a good time. As long as we make the plans solid and then invite her along, rather than letting her steer any planning…

        1. elsamac +4

          Yeah, I think you’re smart to take that approach: make plans that you will enjoy, whether they involve other people or not, and if you’re happy to include her in those plans, fine. But don’t let her habits cost you time or enjoyment* when she inevitably flakes.

          *By that, I just mean the plans should be equally enjoyable whether she shows up or not, not that you shouldn’t feel whatever you feel about her flaking.

    2. avidbiologist +3

      ugh this is always tough. A close friend of mine has a mutual friend (but closer to her than me) who is a lot like this, and she solves this problem by basically planning as though she’ll flake, aka picking somewhere she’ll be anyway. Or she plans something with me and another mutual friend, so that when the flaky friend flakes she still has people to do stuff with. Maybe you could try that?

    3. Prawns +3

      I went through this with a friend of mine earlier this month, and through writing a letter to her I did not send, I realized that when she flaked out, I was inviting her to things she did not actually want to do. Essentially, my friend is a super introvert and doesn’t really know 90% of my other friends, and I kept inviting her to big group activities, when she would prefer to see just me and one other person, or go to dinner with no expectation of drinks ahead or after that.

      That said, it is so hard to know why your friend is being flaky if the only thing she tells you about it is a stock answer.

    4. annesedney +3

      I feel for you, as pretty much all my local friends are flakes (it seems to be an aspect of the culture in the area in which I live- others I know who have moved here from elsewhere have remarked on the same thing). So the whole “Just make non-flaky friends!” advice doesn’t really work for me. Usually I kind of plan as if they’ll flake- I’ll make plans with them, but have a solid backup plan for something to do by myself. For instance, tonight I hope to get together with a friend for drinks, but if she flakes, I plan to cook this somewhat-complicated recipe that I’ve been wanting to try, and eat it while drinking wine and watching TV at home.

  85. BourneApprox +4

    For some reason I have decided that I want to be a “Real Gamer” and have started playing Dark Souls. It’s…kind of great? But also kind of terrifying? I’ve just now made it to the first bonfire in the Undead Burg and I think I’ve died about 20 times so far at the very least and my little hatchet is broken and my pyromancer glove only lets me throw 10 fireballs and there’s a wyvern out there and skeletons with firebombs and oh god oh god oh god.

    Any Toasties out there have advice for a new traveler in Lordran?

    1. rkfire +3

      No suggestions, just laughing to myself because my husband has most of the Dark Souls games and is working through Dark Souls 2 and he cusses so much when he dies.

      Also, I call the thing when you use consumable items “taking things out of your butt and squeezing them in your face” so.. yeah. (I just asked him again what that was.) No useful help here, but good luck!

      1. BourneApprox +6

        Well I can’t unsee that now.

        Relatedly, I really need to install the mod which replaces the “YOU DIED” screen with the following:

      2. BourneApprox +2

        P.S., semi-related: any progress on choosing a gaming laptop? I remember you were looking at a few models last week!

        1. rkfire +3

          Yes! After much searching, I learned that there’s a model of the Lenovo Y50 without a shitty screen and bought that with a 256 SSD. I got a good price for it on Newegg.com as well. There were some issues with getting the Preferred Account authorized for some reasons that are unclear to me (I have great credit) but it should be coming into my office today or Friday. I am very excited! Although I now have other things to examine: 1) mouse to use, 2) cooling pad (for the price point I want, none of them were going to be excellent at venting heat) and 3) where in my small apt to set up a desk..

          1. BourneApprox +2

            Ooo, just looked at the specs, and that’s rather good! I think it’s pretty much the same specs as my husband’s desktop (except Nvidia instead of AMD), which means it’ll run stuff like Skyrim nice and smoothly. Hehe, though yes, I think a cooling pad shall most likely be necessary. (I somehow played Oblivion back in the day with a laptop sitting on my actual lap, and I’m pretty sure it permanently seared a rectangle shape into my legs). Have fun! 🙂

          2. rkfire +3

            I’m very excited. I haven’t bought myself a laptop since 2006, so I feel like I’m due. I was just so paralyzed by the decision though because with technology, your purchase can be so quickly outdated! I’m hoping with these specs (and the 4K screen, which, whaaaaaaaaaat) it’ll last me for at least a good 3-5 years.

            You know the whole “how have you been rewarding yourself?” thread elsewhere in the OT? This laptop is part of that. So are a few sweaters, sparkle tights, and frozen pizza.

            YEAAAAAA

          4. rkfire +3

            It honestly cost like, $150 more than the regular screen by most vendors, but Newegg.com had it going for the same price. With every review I found on the laptop saying the regular screen was the worst thing in the world, I would’ve been a fool to not get it.

  86. CleverManka +18

    Hey y’all so I didn’t expect to be here today but The Beloved had to go to a lunch meeting and so instead of working on the car right after lunch, here I am swinging through the Open Thread! Wheeeee! So good to see you!

  87. roboticaquatic +11

    I went to a Kacey Musgraves concert with my mom last night, and as a aside, if you’ve never been to a concert with your mom, I highly recommend it. Kacey is phenomenal, she gave off so many Dolly Parton vibes (she even covered “Here You Come Again”, along with “No Scrubs”, “These Boots Are Made For Walkin'” and “Mama’s Broken Heart” which, does it count as a cover if you wrote the song? maybe not) because she played to the audience to well and was adorable and her voice was like magic, and wow I never realized how good she is at playing guitar. Just, such a fun night.

  88. viviennestreet +3

    I really want to step up my winter shoe game. At the moment I only have sneakers and hiking boots, which don’t really go with dresses and skirts. My problem is that I’d like them to have treads (because snow), comfy padding in the sole (unpadded shoes make my feet hurt), and come in wide (my feet are all ready on the wide side, and I want to accomodate fluffy socks). I’m feeling really frustrated. I tried some Cobb Hill boots, but even the wide ones squished my pinky toes while I was wearing only thin tights.

    Am I doing something wrong? I generally don’t buy shoes that don’t fit well initially, so I don’t know if they’d stretch out with wear. I’m thinking about trying some men’s oxfords–I’ve worn men’s size 7 sneakers before and been happy with them. Does anyone have experience/suggestions for finding wide, comfy, stylish cold-weather shoes?

    1. rallisaurus +5

      I have wide-ish normal feet so wides are too wide and mediums can be too narrow and I am often quite cranky about my feet, but I generally have good luck with these brands: Born, Clarks, Ecco, Merrell, and Taos. People seem to love Keens, but I’ve never had luck with them.
      I generally buy my shoes online from somewhere with free shipping so I can walk around in them as much as I want (inside) before deciding whether they’re comfortable or not.

    3. rangiferina +2

      I’m also on the hunt for some new fall/winter-appropriate footwear (with similar requirements), so I’m just gonna camp out in this thread for a while and take notes…

    4. Beakses +1

      I second/ third the vote for Merrells. Real tread for humans who actually want to walk places, comfy on my size 10 feet, pretty roomy even in a medium width.

    5. Nausikaa

      Try Timberland. I have a pair of high Timberland boots with medium chunky heels. They have tread and they accommodate my weird messed-up feet quite well. They don’t have the squishy inner sole, which normally I also need, but for some reason they’re okay anyway. It might be worth a try.

      There’s also a brand called Softspots that has a memory foam inner sole that’s amazing, but I’ve only ever found it on the east coast, specifically Northampton. I think it comes in wide but I’m not sure.

  89. mittensblum +6

    Thanks everyone for being lovely and supportive about my mom last week. It is weird how all the dumb mundanities of life continue to go on even while trying to deal with larger crises.

    1. noodge4lyfe +1

      at least the heavy stuff definitely turns the volume down on the sillier chattery nonsense, even if it keeps on going. Hope your’e well <3

  90. renjender +2

    A reminder that to coincide with the Binders Conference in NYC we are having a meetup and reading for friends and fans of The Toast on Saturday, Oct. 11 at 7 PM at Henrietta Hudson (queermo bar!) a short walk from the conference site and the official “happy hour” that happens from 5-7. Readers include me, Christina Tesoro and Kate Angus (plus more!). You do not have to be part of the conference to come (or to read), but if you are at the conference, this event will be a chance to relax and socialize without networking. We are still looking for readers. If you want to read (or want to know more) @renjender on Twitter. Also, if you know how to hook us up with a free digital projector (as we have a really fabulous cartoonist who wants to be part of the event) please get in touch!

  91. noodge4lyfe +8

    is imposter syndrome with social/romantic relationships a thing? if so I think I’m struggling with it… feeling like I’ve got people duped into thinking I’m righteous/awesome/cool/loveable. tips?

    1. Prawns +2

      That could totally be a thing! You could help yourself out with this by asking for specific compliments.

    2. elsamac +5

      is imposter syndrome with social/romantic relationships a thing?

      I find it kinda hard to believe there are people who don’t suffer imposter syndrome in some social spheres. I mean, I know there are, but a tiny (horrible) portion of my brain responds “Yeah, there are: they’re called psychopaths.”

      (I am clearly a monster.)

    3. Elsajeni +3

      Yeah, I think so. I wouldn’t have described it as “imposter syndrome” exactly, but I get a similar feeling — in my case, it’s that my husband is much cooler/more likeable/more socially adept/better at gaming than I am, so obviously all of our mutual friends only tolerate me because I am the price of admission for getting to hang out with/game with him. Being open about it has worked for me — I wouldn’t, like, ask my friends “Do you only hang out with me because of Mr. Elsajeni?”, but I have said to Mr. Elsajeni “I feel like I’m only invited to this because they want to hang out with you” and just saying it out loud seems to be enough for the more sensible parts of my brain to be like “Wait, that’s ridiculous, I am a delight.”

  92. EllaAstor +2

    I was hoping to hop on the Open Thread earlier but got caught up in Link Roundup.

    I am an aspiring writer ( read — > I’m relearning how to write after 30 years of being all research sciencey) … and I’m wondering which creative writing books out there are particularly helpful. I know about Elements of Style and Zinsser’s On Writing Well, and I’ve read various writers how-to books, such as Stephen King’s “On Writing” … but …

    I also have bipolar disorder, rapid cycling variety, with monthly mood swings, and I’m having problems sustaining any consistent levels of creativity, writing-quality, self-esteem and output. (As far as output, I can’t even say “write at least for an hour a day, or 1000 words or 100 words” … I go weeks without writing before I get back to it.) I know that self-doubt, second-guessing and such are just part of being creative, but I can’t even define my writing process. It’s especially confounding because I was able to work through all my moods as a research scientist. I’ve been working on my writing process for a few years now, and I still can’t write in some moods.

    I went looking for blogs by writing-bipolars and haven’t had any luck finding people who tell how they push through moods. They seem to publish once or twice weekly with little or no changes in their writing quality. In the meantime, I can clearly identify the mood I was in when I read my writing. The differences in quality are profound.

    So, I’m thinking one problem is my basic competence at writing. When I’m in a mania, scenes come to me fully formed and I just write them down. It’s very good writing. But in a coming-out-of-depression mood, my writing really sucks.

    I brought my writing, with examples of in-various-moods-writing, to a creative writing teacher, and he was actually surprised and stunned at the differences in my writing at the various moods. He didn’t think changing moods should be a problem, but there it was in front of him.

    I’m thinking that I need various writing books for each mood I’m in. Maybe a starting from scratch writing book for my really incompetent days; maybe a book for when I can’t come up with metaphors or can’t seem to describe things; maybe slow-it-down books when I’m inundated with ideas. Sometimes, too, I read passages from books to at least get words in my head … e. e. cummings is helpful, as is The English Patient … but I need more resources. I need more inspiration.

    I also have to write my stories out-of-order, which is being difficult in and of itself. Tone is the problem. I can’t start writing a scene in a hypo-mania and end it in a mania: those are two different things and the scene changes attitude suddenly. For this problem, I’ve been trying to break down scenes into smaller components so I can finish the scene in one day, but there are those days … .

    Okay. I guess I’m just expressing my frustration, since I haven’t written in almost 6 weeks. But I’m in constant need of affirmations, pep-talks, “Be Joyful, Be Creative” inspiration type of reminders … Every time I go into a depression (which happens once a month) I seem to lose where I am in the story I’m writing and, as well, talk myself into writing again.

    My friends come through with “you can do this, I know you can” support, but … they have to do it every month and I think there’s some pep-talk fatigue going on.

    Alright, this is me with my heart on my sleeve, and I will take any and all recommendations.

    I also read, constantly, writing tips from actual, published writers, stuff from Paris Review and The Atlantic. I am writing fiction, but different genres. The first book I’m writing is about my childhood abuse & resilience, but fictionalized; the next book will be mystery/alternate world, the third straight mystery/thriller. I hope to make these books character-driven — much like Minette Walters; but go-to books for inspiration are e. e. cummings, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Sylvia Plath and Jane Austen.

    1. constancegrady +5

      The best pep-talk-y writing book I know of is Anne Lammot’s Bird by Bird. She is excellent at telling you that you can get through whatever mental barrier you have and that it’s okay if you don’t love what you’re writing now, because hey! editing is a thing. Also, Natalie Goldberg can be great, depending on your tolerance for Zen koans as applied to writing. She tends more towards mindfulness writing exercises than Lammot does, and if that’s you’re bag, they’re great.

      1. EllaAstor +1

        Thank you. I’ve also just started using the “there is editing. Books aren’t written, they’re rewritten” mantra.

    2. threatqualitypress +4

      I liked Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird (I read it in stages, without ever buying it, when I worked at the bookstore). I do not have bipolar disorder, but I do have a fierce, recurring depression, and the sort of calm firmness of this one has really resonated for me.

      1. EllaAstor +1

        Thank you for the recommendation.

        The “calm firmness” is so perceptive. If you come out of depressions the way I do — I have 2 million things to do to get back to “normal” & overwhelmed happens — calmness is … or can be, a blessing.

    3. chickpeas +2

      The book you want is The Forest for the Trees: An Editor’s Advice to Writers, second edition, by Betsy Lerner. She specifically addresses mental health issues and how they affect writers (and she writes from experience.)

    4. allanaaa +2

      Do you think that you would benefit from an editor-therapist? That is a job I just made up now. It is like having an editor except my job would be to be nice to you while still giving you feedback and keeping you to a schedule because peer pressure. And everything we do would be in total secret. It’s basically emotions-based project management.

      (I totally have experience at this, although technically I was working with students with disabilities. There are many mood swings and many impediments to writing and many problems that just won’t go away even when the writing is good.)

  93. theyoungcynic +48

    Toasties, yesterday I was accosted by a MAN collecting for charity. As I prepared to disdainfully call him out on cornering me while I was waiting for the bus, he told me that his cause was building all-girls schools in Tanzania, with the general goal of improving quality of life for these girls and their families, because it just MAKES SENSE to be targeting girls and women with charity, and in fact more than 80% of their donors were women –“but,” he continued, “you already knew men were crap.”

    Apparently misandry is an effective canvassing technique. Also the government is going some kind of matching program so my donation gets MULTIPLIED. But anyway that is the story of how I ended up contributing to girls’ education in Tanzania.

  94. Goomaly +13

    in re dog training:
    I AM THE TREAT DISPENSER
    YOU WILL DO AS I COMMAND

    I figured out my dog is part sight-hound! (chihuahua and whippet?) So I’m gonna find a local group that does lure coursing and see if my tiny girl can chase a plastic bag across a field.

    in re anti-depressants:
    Got my dose adjusted and OH MY FUCKING GOD ITS WORKING

    So now I have to get my lovers used to the new me… the old me… whatever.

  95. Kitling +49

    I AM GOING TO HAND IN MY THESIS ON MONDAY. 4 years’ worth of work. 300 pages. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I just need to re-read it all again this weekend and polish up the bibliography.

    I will drink so many cocktails next week. Excited.

      1. Kitling +1

        Thank you!! Yes such a relief since for a while, I thought I wouldn’t get it in on time and almost had a breakdown as at the same time I was also moving house (against my will — the landlord wouldn’t let us extend our contract) and now I know that I can!!! Yay!

    3. Steph +5

      ALL THE CONGRATULATIONS!!! Everyone who submits their thesis is a flag of hope for those still slogging along 🙂

    5. Nausikaa +1

      Warning: you will get postpartum depression. No matter how much you thought you wanted to be done with your thesis. It’s okay, it goes away eventually.

  96. funberries +17

    It’s my birthday! I’m THIRTY today. I feel great about it 🙂

    If anyone is dying to give me a present, can you tell me how to post a picture in comments? I’m new (to commenting) here, and I’m lost.

    1. spoboebot3000 +2

      Happy Birthday! I posted a picture in the comments once. Months ago. I’ve since forgotten, sorry.

    2. CleverManka +4

      First, the picture needs to be uploaded to some sort of web hosting site. Not just your hard drive. Once the picture is on the internets, copy the URL of the actual image. The URL should look something like this: http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/clevermanka/104732…

      Not this: http://clevermanka.livejournal.com/pics/catalog/5…

      Once you have the URL of the image, you put it in between the quote marks of this:
      img src=””

      And the whole shebang goes in HTML brackets:
      <>

      So, without the extra spaces, it would look like:
      < img src = ” http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/clevermanka/104732… ” >

      1. funberries +1

        Oh man, thank you! I’m going to head over to the cat thread with my new picture powers and hopefully not screw it up.

    3. robotneedslove +4

      Happy birthday! 30 is THE BEST. Never look baaaaaaaaaaack (that’s me and you, speeding off into the wonders of our thirties, never looking back).

    4. daisicles +4

      Happy birthday!

      I’m turning 30 next month and all the older women I know swear being in your 30s is worlds better than being in your 20s, so here’s to making that true!

  97. jenavira +18

    I am too excited to read through the thread first: Today I move into a new apartment! And it is my very first apartment that is all mine and no one else’s. No one else to play video games until 1am! No one else to tell me I can’t hang my Star Wars posters in the living room! No one else to use my dishes and leave them dirty in the sink! Friends, I am overjoyed.

    And slightly terrified. Regale me with stories of the joy of living alone? Alternatively, tell me your worst Dirtbag Roommate stories.

    1. CleverManka +8

      Oh my god I loved living alone. Coming home from work and locking the door behind me and knowing there would be nobody in the apartment besides me and my cat until I left for work the next day? PRICELESS and BEAUTIFUL. I adore my Beloved, don’t get me wrong, but if we won the lottery tomorrow I would totally buy some land and build us separate houses with some sort of middle-ground living area in between so I wouldn’t have to actually go outside if I mean when I wanted see him in the winter.

    2. msjinxie +4

      OH MY GOD I MISS LIVING ALONE I MISS IT SO SO SO MUCH. My roommates (I have 2) are alright, but just this week I had to send them a text at 4 in the mother effing morning asking them to keep the noise down because they were in the living room having an impromptu dance party or something. Making matters worse: 1) this isn’t the first time this has happened, and I’ve had to ask them to shut it because it’s a week day and my alarm goes off in just over an hour, I’ve actually lost track of how many times I’ve had to ask them to keep it down at 4am, 2) I just recently had a polite, respectful convo with one of them about how it both annoys and saddens me when they pull that shit because I think it shows a pretty severe lack of respect for me (and Roomie seemed like she “got” it), and 3) WE ARE ALL IN OUR THIRTIES fer crying out loud. One RM is significantly closer to 40 than she is to 20, but is pulling shit that would’ve been inappropriate in college. I am truly baffled (luckily I’ve calmed down some over the last few days because my first reaction was INCANDESCENT RAGE). Also they’re both fucking slobs and I’m the only one who does any kind of cleaning in the house, though they love complaining about how dirty the place is and how “we” need to clean more.
      Basically, DONE with roommates and if the rental market here weren’t just totally bugnuts right now I’d be out faster than you can say “Hey dingus it’s 4am and I’ve got work in a few hours please shut the hell up”. So enjoy your solitude and your home that is Just Yours!

    3. GreenGrasses +4

      Dirtbag roommate story! In college I lived with my really good friends, but then one of them left for the summer and got a subletter for three months. Upon moving in, he immediately graffitied the walls with giant cartoon characters (including a huge-breasted lady) in day-glo paint. When I freaked out, he told me “it washes off!”

      But of course, wash off it did not, so that dude had to repaint and then pay me back for the lost security deposit.

    5. sednarea51 +4

      Living alone is the BOMB. FUCK YES. I can cook whatever I want, whenever I want! I can take showers at 1 AM without worrying about waking up roommates! I can watch whatever I please on the TV, and sleep as late as I want, and spread my books out all over and take naps on the couch and walk around in my underwear whenever the urge takes me. It’s incredible, you will love it.
      Bad roommate stories…the worst one was when my roommate (who also owned the house we lived in) gave the key to some friends and told them they could stay there overnight. Without telling me. I woke up in the middle of the night to strange voices in the hallway and thought “oh god oh fuck oh fuck, someone finally broke in, maybe if I pretend to be asleep they’ll leave me alone”. I spent what felt like an eternity frozen to my bed, calculating the distance to my cell phone so I could call the cops but not daring to move a muscle, until I figured out what was going on.

      1. jenavira +2

        That is EVEN WORSE than my own worst roommate story, which is the college roommate who told her boyfriend he could sleep in our (double, so her separate space with a closed door) room without asking me about it! Good god what is wrong with people.

    6. bibliobotic +2

      I had this dirtbag roommate in graduate school one year, and she was going to be gone for the summer so she was looking for someone to sublet her room. Our other roommate (who I loved and am still friends with) had recently moved out, so it would just be me and a subletter for the summer. We had talked about it, and I’d told her I wasn’t comfortable with A MAN, but she was getting closer to the line and hadn’t found anyone yet, and then a guy we were both friends with said he was looking for a place. OKAY FINE. I guess that’s fine, since we know each other! I went home for a week or two to visit my family at the beginning of summer, and then I found out that the mutual friend had fallen through, so my dirtbag roommate was just going to sublet her room to some random dude she didn’t even know herself. She’d found him on a bulletin board or something.

      WHAT? NO. The guy had already moved in while I was gone! NO! I ended up calling the apartment management company, and they said the sublease hadn’t been done properly through the office anyway, so they made the guy move right back out again. I think he did find another room to take in the apartment complex, so that made me feel better. I mean, it wasn’t his fault my roommate was a dirtbag.

      That same roommate also had a habit of cranking up the heat in the winter so that she could walk around the apartment in shorts and t-shirts. She turned it up to 80 while we were all gone once, and then left it running while she went to campus for the day. AUGH.

      Anyway, now I own my own little baby townhome and IT IS ALL MINE and my dog’s and WE ARE DELICIOUSLY ALONE AND HAPPY.

  99. blushingflower +4

    Here on page three there is a high likelihood that no one will read this, but I will post anyway.

    Toasties who are also yogis – Does anyone else find themselves aroused during savasana? I find that as I am laying there, relaxing, either before or after class, I find myself to be aroused, often in a very detached way. Like, my mind is not actively thinking about sexytimes, but my body is preparing for it anyway. I am not particularly troubled by this, but it does strike me as slightly odd, and I was wondering if anyone else had encountered this.

    1. robotneedslove +1

      Haha no, not exactly, but my body does weird things during savasana. Most distracting are the facial twitches. I get kind of intense upper lip/lower nose spasms during savasana that really keep me out of my zone.

    2. deleted2997279 +4

      That doesn’t happen to me during yoga but I can see how it would! I mean ultimately you prepare for sexytimes by getting relaxed and comfortable, right? So I can see how your body might be kind of confused for a minute “Ooo teh sexs, yeah…wait now tree pose what???”

    3. Rianne +1

      It doesn’t happen to me, yin is where I get turned on (holding all those deep on the verge on pain stretches for minutes at a time? Yes please.) but it doesn’t surprise me that it happens.

      I know that when I have a good savasana and let myself fully relax that means Everything relaxes. Including my bits. And most people aren’t used to feeling things happen with their junk that aren’t associated with sex. So maybe that’s it?

  100. espritdelescalier +6

    You guys, this week has been…not the best. BUT! When I get home today, there is going to be a new Kindle Paperwhite waiting for me.

    I’ve been really resistant to the e-reader thing for a long time (one of THOSE people) but my love of instant gratification finally won out. Plus, Amazon lets you pay for a Kindle in 5 monthly installments. I am going to download Code Name Verity for my first book after reading about it in the comments here. I’m so excited!

    Any recommendations for good public domain books that I need to download immediately?? I’m already all over this roundup Nicole wrote for the Hairpin.

    1. deleted2997279 +5

      If you want to read old stuff, Project Gutenberg all the way! I read the entirely of Anne of Green Gables via that site on my nook. I still read a lot of paper books, especially from the library, but I really love my ereader.

    3. Miss B +1

      Not public domain, but you _can_ get the entire set of the color series of fairy tale books (the ones by Andrew Lang — “The Red/Yellow/Blue/Pink/&c. Fairy Book” books) on the kindle for just $1.99. That’s like a dozen books of fairy tales for under $2! (To be honest, that was the single thing that finally tipped the scales for me and got me to buy a kindle a few years ago. I still only use it for travelling, because I really am one of _those_ people and I can’t bear to not read actual books when I could be doing so. But it’s great for travel, totally worth the price just for that.)

    4. Nausikaa +1

      If you want to read Victorians, Charles Reade! He is so much fun. I recommend Foul Play. This guy gets framed for forging a check, gets imprisoned and then transported, is in a shipwreck, and ends up stuck on a desert island with the girl he’s secretly in love with, who a. has consumption, and b. is engaged to the man who framed him. And then – SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER – she starts walking miles every day and doing all sorts of physical labor because they’re on an island, and recovers from her consumption through EXERCISE, and gets rescued and goes off to England to clear his name.

      Also you can get all sorts of semi-terrible, semi-awesome ancient children’s books like Freckles and Girl of the Limberlost. I have those on my Kindle, and Pollyanna, and A Little Princess, and the Katy books, and all of E. Nesbit, who is just sheer awesome without any terrible about her.

      I also have as much Kipling as Amazon would let me download for free, but I’m weird that way.

  101. lauralizabethm +18

    TOASTIES, THE GREATEST THING HAPPENED.

    So after reading this essay: http://anneursu.tumblr.com/post/98438360033/on-po… on Christine Hepperman’s Poisoned Apples and the critical reaction to YA fiction (short version: men hate when women write about teenage girls because they’re afraid their literary penis is going to shrivel up and fall off) I decided to go out and fine a copy of the book for myself. Chapters’ website indicated that they did not have it, so instead I went down to Bryan Prince, which is an independent bookseller reknowned for hunting down books for their customers. They did not have it in stock, but were happy to order it for me, so I thanked them and went on my way. I got about a block away from the store before I heard someone behind me calling “wait!” and turned around. The guys at Bryan Prince had managed to discover a copy of the book in their back room, and so the cashier had run a block after me in order to make sure I got it ASAP instead of having to drive back to the store. (He also refused to let me tip him for his efforts.)

    So: all’s well that ends well, I’ve got my book, and Bryan Prince is about to get a glowing review on Yelp.

    1. Household_Opera +2

      I was just heading to the end of the thread to link to that essay! Someone RT’d it and I read it today and was blown away. It’s one of those essays I want to quote from but then I’d have to quote the whole thing.

    2. bibliobotic +1

      That is awesome, and I just sent the book info to my boss so she’ll order it for our collection!

  102. Frenz_lo +9

    My bad dog jumped the fence when I was upstairs changing the baby, and terrorized some poor couple walking their smaller, yappier dogs. Everyone was OK, but, oh my God. Next time either somebody has to pee on the floor, or somebody else has to sit in their own pee while screaming. I thought all the pee situations could get resolved at once, but I was flying too close to the sun.
    When I was nursing the baby to calm him down (I’d snatched him up naked from the changing pad, run down the stairs, and put him onto his car seat while I went and grabbed the dog, so he was stressed and scared,) I looked online and saw that two workers at a business down the street from mine were attacked last night, and one was killed. I didn’t know him, but I’d seen him around, and a lt of friends and acquaintances did. The other person lived in my house for a while years ago, in one of those annoying moves where a roommate just kind of shoos their partner in and they live there ever after. There were downsides to him as a roommate, but he is an extremely sweet kid, and I hope he recovers quickly.
    You never know how a day’s going to go. I’ve got too many emotions, lately.

  103. Site_for_Soris +26

    Female scientist problems: my pregnant belly is now so big that I can no longer comfortably work at the microscope 🙁

  104. figtreecooking +7

    OK, every few months I come in here and yell into the void of page three Open Thread comments about how I’m going to end this formerly-close friendship that’s been doing a torturous slow fade this year. And today I thought — let’s do it! Send that breakup email! You can’t live with this downgraded friendship anymore and you don’t have to! I even set a little timeline to do that, and then…

    Well, I remembered that this is not the first friendship I’ve quit because it used to be such a super-close one and then the person started pulling away. Several in high school, one after law school, another RL one recently, where I just felt like I was walking on jealous knives all the time, seeing evidence of them doing stuff without me, not contacting me in situations they would’ve before, and so on. My response is always to pull back harder, to keep my dignity and stop being hurt, but it’s been impossible in this situation because it’s an online friendship and we’re always in the same small social circles, so I’d have to quit THOSE to stop feeling shitty when she tweets personal news she normally would’ve emailed me (and in fact hasn’t emailed me in 3 days, when we used to email 10-20 times a day), etc.

    So! Is it just me, in that I’m someone friends inevitably fade out on? I know I can be intense, and I don’t really have a ton of friends. Is it just me, in that 90% of friendships just do this and I am taking it too hard? Every time I try to write that breakup email it comes across as so dramatic over nothing, but the bottom line is I used to have so much of her attention and interest and now I don’t, and nothing has changed on my side and it just feels so hard to go on like this.

    1. GreenGrasses +5

      If you feel like you can, it might be worth asking your friend “hey, how come we haven’t been spending as much time together?” That way, you can at least have an honest discussion? And maybe you’ll learn some facts about yourself? If not, you’ll learn about your friendship and have a better idea of whether to end it or not.

      1. figtreecooking +4

        Sigh. You are not the first person with this eminently reasonable advice. The problem is we are long distance, online-only friends who do “see” each other daily on social media, so the question becomes “how come we don’t email all the time anymore and you went out of town last weekend and didn’t mention it but I found out through your Facebook posts” and other things that sound really stalkery and needy, but are just me noticing the loss of daily personal contact and falling out of the loop of her life.And sadly, I’ve had no good experiences ever with having honest state of the union talks about friendships. There’s no way to say “like me more!” and if they’re doing things that bother or hurt me, even if they apologize or say they’ll change their behavior, it’s never really true. Generally other people’s comfort just trumps that of their friends, I’ve found.

    2. elsamac +11

      I feel like that’s just the natural pattern of so many relationships: you’re thrown together by life and proximity, you find each other and connect, that connection is intense and vivid for as long as it is easy to sustain, and then… something changes.

      It doesn’t have to be something about either of you. Lots of changes make friendships more challenging to sustain: moving, leaving school, changing jobs (or even changing desks at the same job), having a new schedule, having kids, partnering up, breaking up, picking up or dropping hobbies, and falling into the new social circles those changes all bring along.

      Just a thought, and maybe you’ve already tried this or have reasons not to: what if instead of writing a break-up email, you sent a friendly, not-too-intense reconnection email? Or chatted with her on the social media sites you see her on? Or invited her to a low-pressure get-together? Or made some other small overture? If you want to, reaching out to a formerly close friend can sometimes rejuvenate the friendship. Obviously, this suggestion only stands if you have energy—even a little—you’re willing to invest into sustaining the friendship. And it’s okay not to do that.

      I’ll add this: in my own experience, friendships do wax and wane as years go on. Sometimes a friendship is brief, then it dies. Sometimes it’s a long arc of shifting intensity, brightening and dimming over decades. It’s hard to gauge which is which at the first dormant period.

      But even when I’m dead sure that a friendship is OVER, I never bother with a formal declaration because I don’t see it as productive. It’s a statement of intent to the other person, when the only person your intent matters to is you. It’s okay to say to yourself “I do not want to invest more energy in this friendship” without necessarily announcing it to her.

      1. figtreecooking +1

        The absurd thing is — we’re in touch at least every few days, often more than that, so I feel foolish complaining we’ve “drifted.” There are just a lot of small things that show I’m not in her closest social circle anymore, and she doesn’t take the same interest in my stuff either. I can see all the ways I’ve annoyed or exasperated her too, so the whole situation just makes me question myself constantly.I don’t believe in breakup letters either, as a rule; with any big emotional email I always ask myself “why are you sending this? What response do you really want? How will you feel in all these alternate and more likely scenarios?” And then I don’t send the email. But in this case, I’m starting to feel like I’d rather have nothing than this faint copy of what we used to have, and since that we’re so closely entwined online it would involve unfollowing everywhere, not replying to emails, etc, and it seems like an explanation is required. And it’s true, I’ve had all these hurt feelings for months and months, as well as stuff I feel bad about, and it would be a relief to stop sitting on all of it.But I also don’t really believe in having heart to hearts with friends over the state of a relationship, unless I’ve been in the wrong. In my experience, people know when you’re unhappy with how they’re treating you, and guilting them won’t change it for very long. The only relationships in my life that can withstand that kind of thing and actually change are with my husband, mom and sister (ie people who are invested in the longevity of the relationship), so when friendships hit the rocks I either grit my teeth or let the friendship go.

    3. robotneedslove +5

      I don’t think it’s that you are someone that friends inevitably fade out on! I think it sounds like you often have really lovely intense friendships that are unsustainable for a lot of people.

      It’s a bit like falling in love – at first it feels WONDERFUL to spend all your time and emotional energy connected with someone really intensely. But then you come up for air, need a bit of distance, need some time for yourself. Or at least, I do. Like, when my boyfriend and I were early on, we texted all day and sexed all night. Now we don’t do either. I mean, we text and we sex, but less frequently, and often spend time apart, and often hang out in more low key ways with our underwear on. It’s not that we don’t love each other – we love each other MORE than we did then. But we also have more balance. We could not sustain the energy and intensity of the early times.

      I cannot imagine a friendship where we emailed 10-20 times a day. I mean, I can, because I had them, but they either steadied out into something less intense (but no less loving) or they ended badly. I certainly could not imagine being in a friendship that required 10-20 emails a day.

      So I would suspect that you have a higher tolerance for intensity than other people, and maybe a higher need for it. Which would be quite difficult to manage, I imagine, and may cause a lot of hurt feelings on your end. But I encourage you to think about these things in a slightly different way, because I feel like this way holds a lot of hurt for you.

      1. figtreecooking +2

        I should clarify about the emails — they were/are like being in chat all day with someone, or texting. It’s also a fannish friendship, so we’re talking about stuff in our fandom or making up story ideas, not just talking about our days. So it’s not unusual in that context, but it’s also selfish of me to get jealous when she talks about this stuff with other people instead of me.The love/dating analogy probably is a good one. If I knew someone complaining like this about not being as hot and heavy and intense with a partner after two years I’d think they were silly, so that does kind of help me put it into perspective. There’s a lot of backstory I’m not including here but I guess my deep concern is that we’ve burned through our shared fannish interests and she’s not that interested in what’s left after that.But I do probably want too much out of my friendships. It’s hard, when that initial shiny period fades. I have a couple of long, slow-burning friendships that have survived, and my husband, but I feel like usually I end up putting people off once they really get to know me, and that’s the hardest thing to deal with. It’s difficult for me to move a friendship past the surface level, so when I lose the few friends that do make the cut, it’s really depressing, especially in my 30s when it’s not easy to meet new people.Anyhow! Your comment was really helpful, thank you.

  105. DoubtfulGuest +6

    Abbreviated version of something I tried to post earlier:

    I’m wondering if anyone has advice on reacting to aggressive men in the street (or elsewhere) in a safe way? I’m not a very physically imposing person, and if someone touches me (without permission) and there aren’t a lot of other people around, I don’t necessarily feel safe doing much more than ignoring it and continuing on my way, which makes me feel horribly weak. I am torn between feeling obligated to do SOMETHING to let the guy know that this is not OK behavior, and feeling the need to keep anything worse from happening, which just makes me feel like he’s won by the mere threat of his existence.

    1. elsamac +6

      While I completely understand “feeling obligated to do SOMETHING to let the guy know that this is not OK behavior,” I don’t think you really have such an obligation at all. Your obligation is to yourself: to keep yourself safe, to treat yourself well, to exit the interaction however feels best and safest to you.

      And honestly, in many cases, I think that most aggressive harassers already know it’s not okay behavior: that’s part of why they do it. Lots of street harassment is in part a transgression intended (consciously or not) to cast women as objects, as inferior, as always accessible to men. When it makes us feel unsafe—emotionally, sexually, socially—that is not a side effect, it is one of the intended effects.

      If ignoring it is what gets you out of the situation as quickly and safely as possible, then that’s the thing to do. You are your top priority.

    2. deleted2997279 +4

      Your safety trumps any kind of lesson or education responding to him would impact (which, let’s be honest, is probably none). Taking care of yourself is not weak.

    3. LeastBittern +6

      For the street – if I feel safe I go schoolmarm. “That is not an appropriate thing to do!” “I don’t know you, sir!” “That is not how you should speak to women you don’t know!”

      If… if I’m in a social situation and someone gropes me… well, once I jumped, yelled, bopped him in the throat, and then said, “Oh! You startled me! I’m so sorry! Did I hurt you! Oh no!”

      I have not been able to replicate this scenario, but it did change the conversation very quickly.

    4. spring chickens +3

      I’m a little late, but just wanted to say — there is nothing wrong with responding if you feel safe and think you will feel better in the aftermath. (This is definitely true for me).

      My method is just channeling anger and surprise into fierceness. The idea is to socially embarrass the man, even if it is embarrassing for you too. I stick with really short responses, delivered in a really fierce tone, so that they are too surprised to do anything in response. My go-tos are “No!” “Back off!” and “Don’t TOUCH me!” The tone is everything. That, and I turn and look them in the eye aggressively, usually with my hands up in the air like stop signals — go big! It actually makes me feel safer to do it, because it draws everyone’s attention on the street and it makes it clear to bystanders that he is an aggressor. But, obviously, it takes a certain amount of energy so you will only want to do it when circumstances truly warrant.

      It is even more effective if you are small or sweet-looking or otherwise not physically imposing, because it will surprise them and they’ll miss a beat.

      In general, social embarrassment is helpful in these situations. I also learned from a friend to gingerly pick off the hand of gropers with my own hand on a crowded bus and say “Is this your hand?”/ “Who does this belong to?” really loudly. It gets the attention of everybody on the bus.

  106. betsymurgatroyd +5

    I’m going to make that Pear Sorbet this weekend. It’s on the list of things to do that I want and need in my life.

    It’s been a flurry of nonsense and yard work these past couple weeks (as almost every week) trying to get the house looking good for the insurance people. Roomie (who is disabled but not completely immobile) lost his Homeowners due to some shadiness on the part of the insurance company he was with. It’s been left primarily up to me to get the house fixed up for the new insurers. So getting to do everything I want to do in the kitchen has been put on the ‘back burner’.

    I did make some amazing sauteed kale and onions in bacon fat last night, so there is that.

  107. ladyimogen +9

    Chiming in very late to say, I just got back from my university’s convocation, and when the Chancellor spoke about our need to be a safe and respectful place, to reduce the incidence of sexual assault and harassment until there is none, people cheered. It was the only part of the speech that got even a single clap. It made me so proud! And then when he spoke about our badass science and research, there were so many photos of women in the field and in the lab and teaching students. So much improving left to do, but it just brought happy tears to my eyes.

  108. spring chickens +4

    This is a bit late… but would anyone in the US like 6-8 samples of perfume from Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab? “imp” size vials?

    They don’t seem to be working well with my skin chemistry — they come off either muskier than I like, or else with a funny “razzle” smell that reminds me of Atomic Firebomb candy, but I can tell that it’s good perfume that will probably work well on somebody else.

    The samples I have include Alice (Alice in Wonderland; sort of a milk and rose and peppermint scent); The Antikythera Mechanism (supposed to be leather, but it came off more musky on me); Egle (sea and berries); Dragon’s Blood (amber and musk); and maybe one more. Send me a line at [email protected] with your address if you would like to get them in the mail!

    2. waitressinlove +1

      I just ordered a bunch of these, and I think I have the same problem. They all smell like cheap incense on my skin!

  109. Mike_B +1

    OK so here’s a story I have a lot of conflicting feelings about:

    So my wife’s friend M was married to this guy C. We drove out to visit them in Colorado one summer, because B had moved across the country for him and didn’t have that many friends.

    C was just the biggest drip. He was visibly uncomfortable any time he wasn’t in a chain restaurant or listening to Nickelback. And worse, he did hardly anything in the way of parenting the whole time I was there. Like the kid, who has a behavior disorder, was freaking out about something and he was literally standing there digging in his ear with his pinky. And he didn’t give B any time to hang out with us, even though we came to visit her. Just a stereotypical sitcom dad of a guy. It was an uncomfortable trip.

    So C wasn’t the most supportive husband. He spent a lot of time dicking around while his wife worked a part-time job and wrangled their difficult child. A lot of that had to do with his Strict Traditional Texas Upbringing.

    A few months ago, after the birth of their second son, they suddenly got divorced. For a long time my wife wouldn’t tell me what was going on to preserve B’s privacy. (I’m not even using their real initials and who am I really anyway?) Turns out, they got divorced because C is actually a trans woman. B is completely caught off guard by this. She decides to spit with C because she doesn’t want to be married to a woman.

    So she moves back across the country to live with her sister, with a quick stop off at our place to visit. (I stayed home with the kids while my wife and B went out by themselves because I’m a decent person I hope.) So B has been out of the work force for 3 years and has 2 kids and just had to move across the country for the second time.

    My first reaction to hearing this was “Aaaaaaaaaaah!!! Fuck that dude!” but that’s not the right pronoun even. And I know this is an extremely difficult thing to come to terms with, especially for an ex-military person from rural Texas, but THEY HAVE 2 KIDS NOW.

    This situation just sucks and I’m not 100% sure how angry to be with C beacuse she sucks and was a horrible male stereotype for years and left my wife’s friend in a shitty situation and also I personally dislike C. But on the other hand, that’s a massive thing to have to come to terms with and I’m not surprised that it took so long and I’m sure C’s pretty broken up about the whole thing.

    Jeez, you guys. Jeez.

  110. Household_Opera +5

    I’m all excited this week because not only am I going to the big annual New York Sheep and Wool festival in Rhinebeck, NY, I’m going in the company of the two friends I went with last year (and had a blast) and another friend who used to live too far away to visit, but is now able to get to New York without much fuss. We are going to have SO MUCH FUN. (If you’ve never been to a sheep and wool festival, picture a country fair with lots of fleecy animals — sheep, goats, llamas, alpacas, the occasional angora rabbit — plus big barns full of people selling more yarn than you’ve ever seen in one place before. Plus people selling hot cider and fairground food. Plus border collie sheep-herding demonstrations. Plus nearly all the attendees wearing things they knitted or crocheted. Plus stunning fall colors on the trees on the drive up the Hudson to get there.) tl;dr: This knitter is very excited.

    1. the_lovecats +1

      Looking forward to your review of the event in Pear’s new Knitting Newsletter (that I made up in the crafting thread).
      I would read that all day.

  111. Catandrist +3

    I am so late to the game here but I just finished watching Top of the Lake and I really want to talk about it. Specifically, the jaw dropping scenery/cinematography. I think that stuck with me almost more than the story itself. But the whole series in general, I’ve never seen anything quite like it. And I want to live in a ladies-only compound with Holly Hunter as my spiritual guide. Bizarre.

    1. eegghh +1

      Do you though, really? Holly Hunter was terrifying. I think I’d rather have someone else as my spirit guide, I don’t think I’d be able to use that much tough love.

      I loved it overall for the weirdness and the pacing and the whole thing and the ending where it was all messed up.

  113. silly_goose +3

    Question for Toasties about how to be a good boss:

    I am a very young executive (like, I’m in my early 30s and oversee a huge division of a large nonprofit), and I’m struggling with trying to coach employees who are close to my age but much more junior in terms of organizational hierarchy. I don’t want to be the lame Cool Boss (and I realize this is a my-diamond-shoes-are-too-tight situation), but I’m having a hard time figuring out how to effectively support people who are my social and developmental peers. For a variety of reasons, I haven’t had any significant issues in supervising or coaching people who are older than me (and I’m just fine with the fresh-out-of-undergrad whippersnappers), but I have a really hard time with folks who are in my age group. Any recommendations for supervising your otherwise-peers?

    1. deleted2997279 +3

      Hmm I don’t have any suggestions for you but I would recommending reading or emailing Ask A Manager – askamanager.com. She gives pretty consistently good advice!

    2. spring chickens +1

      What if you start about by asking them questions about what their goals are in the company/if they wish to improve anything/what next steps they want to take?

      I think these conversations go a lot easier if you ask something first, instead of assuming you know what they need/are thinking, and then you adjust your answer (or find a way to connect the thing you wanted to get across to them) in light of what they just said.

      I’ve supervised people my age in an informal way, perhaps not quite as formally as you may be doing, but this worked pretty well for me.

  114. Nausikaa +6

    My big news is I just moved to Rouen for a year to teach English. The last time I was in France was eight years ago when I studied abroad, so all my French is completely buried inside my brain, and I just have to cross my fingers and hope it resurfaces when I need it. I’m looking for French roommates, and tomorrow I’m going to visit a house with four people and a dog. Wish me luck!

  115. Slugs +7

    I know nobody is going to see this, but I’ve just done a few days of super long shifts at a big event, and drafted in some excellent humans to help, and right at the end some nonsense man wouldn’t leave one of them alone, just silently trailing her everywhere, and she was getting understandably annoyed and freaked out, so I got to do my ‘soft’ body guard act, and nothing invigorates me more after incredibly long shifts than being icily patronising to pushy ‘nice guys’ and ejecting them from the building before they realise what’s happening. The end.

  116. themegnapkin +3

    Anyone still reading this?

    I’ve been messaging with a guy I met on-line (have not met IRL yet). I asked how his weekend was, he said it was weird, then followed up with a description of a date with another woman he met on the same dating site we were on (she told him she was married midway through the date). That is weird, right? I don’t care that he was on a date with someone else, but I am not going to be the person who helps him analyze his dates with other people.
    Also – I saw Aziz Ansari over the weekend and he was wonderful and very feminist. It was delightful.

    1. deleted2997279 +2

      I haven’t been in the dating pool in a long, long time but yeah – that is weird. I can vaguely see a “yeah, weekend was weird, went on a date with a lady who’s married, not my thing” type of convo, but to describe it in detail and analyze it with you? Weird.

    2. eegghh +1

      I am. I missed open thread this weekend. I once was seeing a guy in a non exclusive FWB thing where we were both getting over breakups and acting as a sort of relationship methadone. We had made a deal we wouldn’t tell each other about the other people we dated, merely that if one of us found someone we wanted to see exclusively, we’d break it off.

      Anyway, he was not good about respecting that wall. He was like, “I don’t have anyone else to tell, because they all think it’s strange to date multiple people/have no experience! Isn’t this a good story?!” and I was like, “ehhh, but no….that’s not the terms of our deal. You need to keep your random experiences to yourself, even if we’re close pals.”

      Anyway, I think sometimes with dating sites, and pretending to be cool, it can be like, “oh we have a shared experience of blind dates online and the randomness and whateverness, so lets bond over it.” So in his dumb mind it’s like, “we’re comrades in arms, not potential lovers.”

      I think probably you should be like, “wow, ok I can’t believe you are telling me about a date with another woman!” and then leave it up to him to respond. If he’s like, “what, why?” be like, “how I was raised it’s not polite to tell someone you are interested in about other people you are seeing.”

  117. polka_stripes

    I haven't been in the dating pool in a long, long time but yeah – that is weird. I can vaguely see a "yeah, weekend was weird, went on a date with a lady who's married, not my thing" type of convo, but to describe it in detail and analyze it with you? Weird.

  118. polka_stripes

    There are so many amazing sounding books in this thread I don't even know where to start, i'm just screenshotting this all day long.

  119. blunderbusst

    Thanks for including some humor in this response! Some of it resonates for me ("constantly accommodating someone else's emotional needs means that he doesn't ever feel the need to grow") and some of it doesn't ("I draw power from my aloofness.").

    This is my first relationship where the other person a) has mental health issues, b) is aware of them, and c) is constantly, inspiringly working on them every day. So if anything, I would say I exercise my option to "let things slide" on days when I know the work has been rough, and I don't want to "make things worse."

    I am (now, thank you) aware that this still isn't a great dynamic. We had some good talks this weekend, which at one point included discussing this dynamic, and he pretty much said the thing that you said, "When you don't tell me how you're feeling because you don't want to upset me, I can feel that, and it sucks, because you're not giving me the chance to react to it or fix it." I'm so glad you mentioned it.

    (FTR, most of our conversations were about how it was a fucked up thing he did, and how I feel about it, and how do we work our way back to me trusting him again, and hooray let's all go to therapy both alone and together. Therapy for everybody!)

    P.S. I can also relate to that losing center thing. It's a hard balance between trying to be a better person (by not being an opinionated selfish asshole always) and accidentally becoming someone you're not, isn't it? At least, it is for me!