Did the America Landings really happen? Did Christopher Columbus really sail all the way across the Atlantic ocean using nothing but boats and things in boats? Or is this just another bizarre conspiracy, much like the Kennedy assassination, Liechtenstein, and cheese? Let’s look at some of the inconvenient facts history books don’t want you to know about.
1. Every person who claims to have seen these events first-hand is either dead or widely presumed dead. None of them have performed an interview with Sheepleawake.tumbr.com, the only reliable news source. In fact, every human being or animal alive at that time is also dead, many of them under suspicious circumstances. Coincidence… or not?
2. Many of the supplies and equipment supposedly carried by Columbus were clearly heavier than water. Yet they supposedly floated on the ocean, which is made of water, for days at a time. Sorry, but that just won’t hold water.
3. In Columbus’s own writing, he mentions meeting Indians. What are Indians doing in a supposedly New World? Can’t even keep your own story straight, eh?
4. Scholars of the time universally agreed that Columbus had underestimated the distance to Asia and that he would never arrive. Funny how people who are so respectful of “scientific consensus” when talking about global warming and spider goats are willing to completely ignore it on matters like how many continents there are or how many epicycles the wise demiurge has used to adorn the orbit of Venus about the immobile Earth.
5. “Historians” of today still haven’t agreed on which four islands he supposedly visited. Get it together, New World Order. That’s just embarrassing.
6. How could Christopher Columbus discover America in 1492 when America didn’t exist until 1776? Did he wait around for 300 years? I asked a historian this simple question and instead of answering, he just asked me if I was serious and looked at me funny. I guess he’s just not used to debating people who know math.
7. Christopher Columbus is simultaneously a popular American hero and a genocidal tyrant so extreme the King and Queen of Spain were forced to remove him from command. If that doesn’t scream cover-up, I don’t know what does.
Tags: christopher columbus, conspiracy theories, history, humor, lillie franks
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A+++++ gold star see me after class for high fives ok?
The ocean which is made of water. Exactly! Pure conspiracy–how could people not have noticed this before!
HYSTERICAL
This is also an excellent skewering of conspiracy theories in general.
FALSE FLAG!!!1!
NB I don’t actually know what this means but boy howdy do conspiracy theorists say it a bunch.
<pedant> A False Flag is when a government or other entity uses misdirection and planted evidence to get what it wants. The classic examples are military ops that implicate another country: Freedonia’s military burns down a village on their side of a border and claims it was the army of the other side that did it. War Achieved! Hence False Flag since you dress up like their soldiers, and carry their flag. </pedant>
Conspiracy theorist love it because anything can be a false flag: 9/11, Ebola, Syria, school shootings, any conviction of a high profile conservative, Bengazi, etc etc. (the mother-lode of this stuff in on Free Republic).
So the question now is…Who was Columbus REALLY working for??? Was the Discovery of America really just a long con by the natives to get casinos? Just asking questions here folks.
http://cdn2-b.examiner.com/sites/default/files/st…
“Christopher Columbus is simultaneously a popular American hero and a genocidal tyrant so extreme the King and Queen of Spain were forced to remove him from command” had me laughing so hard.
So excited for the send up of Christopher Columbus, but did not know it would also include conspiracy theories!
I’m just glad sheepleawake.tumblr.com isn’t a real site, cause I have “work” to do today.
It’s just like I tell students in my American history classes: “WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!”
I don’t understand why I keep getting denied tenure.
THE BEST. If only we could read mouseover text when xkcds are reposted in web comments!
“How could Christopher Columbus discover America in 1492 when America didn’t exist until 1776?”
Exactly! Do the math sheeple!
“History began on July 4th, 1776. Everything before that was a mistake.”
I have been trying to get the word out about Christofake Collusion for a long time!
If we are supposed to believe that “Columbus” was ITALIAN, then why did he have a LATIN last name and an ENGLISH Christian name? It does not add up. And it subtracts DOWN when we add in SPANISH people! Why are you so “All Over the Map,” Columbus?
Maybe because the hands behind the conspiracy bungled themselves up in their own web of lies. Or, maybe it was because they were trying to throw up a smoke screen to muddy the “waters,” and protect an unknown party, who may have been Danish. Either way, it proves I am right, and that is why I feel I would make a strong candidate for the position of hygienist at Gentle Dental Care. I look forward to hearing from you.
A+++ use of scare quotes, which make any conspiracy theory 100% more awesome
OMG, I need to start working “it doesn’t add up, it subtracts down” into more conversations.
Thank you! I am so glad that there is finally a logical dig into this conspiracy.
Columbus Day is always on the second Monday of October. AKA The second day of the second week of the 10th month. 2 of 2 of 10? 2x2x10 = 40. The season of Lent lasts for 40 days and 40 nights. There were NOT 40 Knights of the roundtable, so that leaves us with 40 Days. The only month that has 40 days is Augtember. (But that’s only in a leap year.) If we leap over the Santa Maria which was run aground in Haiti, that leaves us with the Pinta and the Niña–neither of which have been been seen since 1501. OR 513 years ago. Add those two ship together and they haven’t been seen for 1026 years! Wait. 10-26. abcdefghi-J-klmnopqrstuvwxy-Z. JZ. JAY-Z?
God dammit. Just another Illuminati witch hunt.
really makes u think
Excellent, excellent.
I knew someone in college who legitimately thought Columbus never existed, pointing out the fact that his name means something like “bringer of light” as suspicious.
Adding to #1 – everyone died of diseases that are easily curable or mostly nonexistent like dysentery and smallpox. Convenient.
I got rid of dysentery in Oregon Trail by eating bacon. QED.
OMG I love this.
Not to mention that from the pictures it’s clear that “Christopher Columbus” was not one, but at least three different men, none of whom made any attempt to look like one another.
Also, this post needs a trigger warning for spider goats.
WTF are spider goats? I’m afraid to google.
http://www.theguardian.com/science/2012/jan/14/sy…
Holy. Shit. That’s…remarkable, and so sci-fi, and way better than the giant goat-shaped spider I was picturing.
I mean, Google had those too.
Thank you for protecting me from that.
How else was the newe worlde ordere supposed to spread syphilis, a disease that clearly came from space polar bears?
The armor in the last photo is clearly reflecting Obama. He’s lurking in the background to TAKE AWAY OUR GUNS.
This is “Faul” McCartney all over again! Everything makes sense now!
OH MY GOD WAIT. WAIT.
Columbus was clearly invented to boost American morale. They hired a guy to pose for paintings and write “authentic” letters and shit. LATER when Paul McCartney died, they hired THE SAME GUY to take his place! ITS ALL CONNECTED
I BURIED PAUL.
Yeah, and if he supposedly landed in the Bahamas then why is the city of Columbus in the middle of Ohio??
Also, if he discovered America in 1492, how did Chris Columbus then direct both the first and second Harry Potter films in 2001 and 2002? Unless you allow for time lord intervention, it just doesn't add up.