greatest American hero = I like her

garbage = not very good

I love you = we are both on the Internet, and we agree about something

shut it all down = I’m going to stay right here and not leave the Internet and keep reading this

NSFW = this is a picture of food

#tcot = I have not talked to an actual conservative since high school

essential reading = you will have forgotten this by next week at the latest

#FF = here is a list of people I am hoping will eventually notice and follow me back

threw shade = I am a straight person who learned about the phrase “threw shade” in the last eight months

THIS = I have no insight to add

I can’t even = I am having, at most, one feeling

huge, if true = I have no interest in finding out if this is true

Devastating/raw = I read three paragraphs of this before deciding it was too depressing to continue

shots fired = I have never heard a gun go off in real life; here is a mildly provocative article about food

BREAKING  = I am about to make a joke

so I wrote a thing = I lack the personal integrity to identify a piece of work as my own in public without resorting to a mewling, pathetic, false dissociation

this is everything = this is one thing, maybe two things at best

I feel betrayed = someone who normally agrees with me disagrees with me

my spirit animal = here’s something I like; I am not familiar with what a spirit animal is or does

MT = want to make sure I get involved in this conversation somehow

#truedetectiveseason2 = I too long for human companionship

my body is ready = my body is almost certainly not ready

#tbt = here is either a picture of a Civil War general or Ruth Bader Ginsburg in college

me IRL = here is a picture of a dog doing something a dog does not normally do

ban men = ban men

(special thanks to @shrillcosby, @Connor and @deepomega for joke assistance)