I. The Motorcycle Crash
II. Eaten By Bear at Zoo
III. Slowly Crushed By His Collection of Sweet Lids
IV. Beaten to Death By a Loan Shark
V. Infection From Tattoo He Got With Third Wife
VI. Burned Alive During The Wicker Man-Style Ritual That Stars Hollow Performs Every Eighteen Years
VII. Staph Infection Brought About By General Grossness
VIII. Uuuuugh He Just Dies Okay Don’t Ask Too Many Questions
IX. Torn Apart By Screaming Mob During The Handmaid’s Tale-Style Salvaging Ritual That Stars Hollow Performs Every Eighteen Years
X. Uses Life Savings To Buy Magic Beans; Starves To Death
XI. Falls Over Waterfall Immediately After Shouting “Hey, Guys, Watch This”
XII. Slowly Wastes Away Due To Never Having Attended Princeton
XIII. Crushed In Mosh Pit At The Offspring Concert
XIV. Segway Accident
XV. Car Crash Caused By Driving While Simultaneously Searching Twitter For His Own Name
XVI. Murder-Suicide With Jess Mariano For Some Reason
XVII. Poisoned By Sookie, Lane, Jackson, Michel, Emily Gilmore, Taylor, Kirk, Grant the Troubadour, Luke, Logan, Dean, and Max Medina In Murder On The Orient Express-Style Group Attack
XVIII. Run Over By Truck While Abandoning Another One Of His Children By Leaping Out Of A Moving Vehicle
XIX. Strangled By Necktie, Responsibilities
XX. Fatal Case Of “Being A Disappointment”
Tags: beauty, gilmore girls, misandry, nicole and mallory, television
I just love The Toast so much.
These are all too good for him.
Definitely “Burned Alive During a Wicker Man-Style Ritual.” Taylor clearly leads the citizens of Stars Hollow in some kind of bizarre ritual of renewal every 18 years.
I think we need a special Christmas reunion episode showing this.
YES. It can be the Gilmore Girls version of Twin Peaks’ “I’ll see you again in 25 years.”
And think of how cute Miss Patty’s girls will be dancing around the fire.
Swallows His Own Tongue Trying To Keep Up With Witty Quips, Chokes To Death
Oriental Express one! Agatha Christie/GG crossover event! Holographic Peter Ustinov there too. Ultimate decision on his part that the police don’t need to be involved – they have all suffered enough. (That is how the original ended, right?)
I confused my poirots! (Love Ustinov so much, I mentally willed him into being in murder on orient express. Sorry not sorry.)
I have arrived at his return in Season Five and it is RUINING my enjoyment of Luke being the best human/sexiest man on earth, for I know what lies ahead.
“Beaten to death by a loan shark,” seems so eerily plausible, as does the murder suicide with Jess.
uurrghh the worst he is the worst.
XVI. Murder-Suicide With Jess Mariano For Some Reason
Yes, please.
Also, this seems like a good place to say that Gilmore Girls being on Netflix is stressing me out, because I stopped watching the show at exactly the moment I calculated that I could leave without having to slowly become more and more disappointed in Rory’s choices, but now everyone’s TALKING about the show and reWATCHING it and I think I’m going to succumb to marathoning the rest.
I love the disappointment everyone on the Toast feels towards later-seasons Rory. Despite being four years younger than Rory canonically is (I was 12 when the show started airing) I found myself tutting and anxiously wringing my hands over her terrible decisions like the Jewish mother I secretly am. I am clearly among friends here.
One of us, one of us, one of us. I just finished the re-watch of season 1 and am both charmed and depressed about Max’s proposal.
I accidentally read this the whole way through as Hayden Christensen (because who reads every word of a title) and it worked just fine for him as well, no problemo.
I would laugh at the waterfall one all day long.
I like that this isn’t just Nicole, or just Mallory, rather it’s a team effort, because the death of Christopher Hayden should definitely be a team effort.
Also could see Emily and Richard murdering him. Everyone has had enough of you Christopher.
Oooh, yes, some long, drawn-out death-by-poisoning. Emily would invite him over for every Friday dinner under the guise of helping him win back Lorelai but would be having a kitchenmaid slip just a smidge of rat poison into every one of Christopher’s pot roasts.
Imagine the smug smile on Richard’s face as he offers him some post dinner brandy?
“Leaving so soon? Not feeling well? Oh what a shame. Terrible virus going around. Until next week m’boy!”
Emily is just furious when he doesn’t have the courtesy to leave her dinner table before dying.
Her latest maid helps her bury the body. That maid is never fired.
This is cannon. That is all.
“Honestly, Richard, I don’t care that she can’t get your shirts starched properly. She helped out with That Little Problem Of Ours and we simply can’t let her go.”
“Honestly, Richard.”
I can just hear her now…
Every Friday that the maid is still around, Lorelai’s I-can’t-believe-YOU-have-kept-a-maid-this-long-are-you-at-least-getting-her-name-right-yet jokes grow more numerous and irritating. It’s all Emily can do not to shove her victory in Lorelai’s face.
All excellent choices. We need to decide on a demise for Richard Gilmore though because the main thing I am learning from my current rewatch is that he is a dark horse for The Absolute Worst.
no. no no no. Richard is wonnnnderful.
Richard is awful and I can’t stand him. He loves Rory the most because she is sweet and docile and pure and the moment he hears that she’s Doin’ It with Logan he spirals into a deep depression because all of his progeny are whores. He undermines Lorelai’s parental authority on multiple occasions. He allows his mother to be absolutely awful to his wife without either saying anything to his mother about it or acknowledging to his wife that the bad treatment is even happening, instead insisting that his mother is perfect and wonderful and dismissing his wife’s obvious discomfort. When he finds out that his wife went on a date with another man while they are separated, he purposely rear-ends her to prevent her from having a conversation with the other man at a party. After having heart attack he treats his wife like garbage for trying to get him to live a healthier lifestyle. I could go on and on but really to understand that he’s the worst you just have to watch the episode “Richard in Stars Hollow.”
YES YES YES
I have never dis greed with an opinion on the Toast more than Richard = Matthew Cuthbert.
Part of why Richard is so awful is that he is sometimes so, so great and he gets you to let your guard down just a little, again, and when you find yourself thinking “Grandpa really is pretty nice – I think he gets me. He loves me!” he just goes and stabs you in the back again.
Emily’s very clear that her love, such as it is, is dependent on people living up to her standards and following the narratives she’s constructed for them. Richard plays the affable Rich White Guy granddad, but will cut you off at the knees if you fall for his charm and forget that he’s just the same as the rest of his family.
He is, in other words, Mitt Romney.
Let us not forget his secret annual lunches with the woman he almost married instead of Emily.
OMG. I’ve been picking up on this as I re-watch the series, but you laid it all out in a way that it’s so obvious and depressing. When you watch the show over years it’s easy to remember Richard as “aw, proud grandpa,” but he really is terrible and selfish.
In my head he is forever Max from the Lost Boys.
Yes!!!
I love the tag of beauty for this. So appropriate
This is perfection.
I’m just going to hang out here all day and +1 every comment while cackling merrily to myself…
Ugh I really want to draw a dumb beard and moustache on his smarmy face. Rarely has online reading been so frustrating.
Ask and ye shall recieve.
Ah. So much better!
The shirt!! You turned it into rayon, you clever genius you!
XI. Falls Over Waterfall Immediately After Shouting “Hey, Guys, Watch This”
Takes Logan with him in a fatal act of multigenerational rich-bro bonding.
“Hey, let’s bond over our inability to let Rory move on with her own life and make her own decisions!”
“Totally, bro. Hey, watch this!”
There is definitely precedent for this with Logan.
Can his death reverberate backwards through the show’s timestream as he retroactively takes Dean with him, plucking him wholesale out of Season 2? Because that would be pretty cool too.
Uuuugh god okay I was going to leave this as a pithy comment but I can’t help myself
I hate Dean so much, he is controlling and has anger issues, and it is perpetually astonishing to me that Rory tells various adults in her life that she is straight-up lying to him because otherwise he gets so mad and angry and controlling, and they all smile indulgently and talk about what a good thing she has going. NO SHE DOESN’T; DEAN IS TERRIBLE AND SCARY.
(Dean = The Worst is legit one of my fandom death hills.)
I saw that episode this week! Rory is telling her mom how much she has to lie to Dean, and Lorelai is like, “You know, Dean is really good to you.” NO. He was only good until the 3 month anniversary, and then he was horrible. And before that was the whole Donna Reed thing which was also awful and which Rory’s response to that was terrible too. She bends herself to these men left and right and her mom never points that out to her and teaches her a better way. OTOH, it’s also exactly what Lorelai does, so the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
This is only tangentially related but I wanted to share: I’m watching for the first time and I just got to the episode in season 4 where terrible Dean gets drunk and talks about how he’s still in love with Rory the night before his wedding. And who is at his bachelor party but a young Max Greenfield, aka Schmidt from New Girl, aka Deputy Leo from Veronica Mars? He has one line (‘What did he say?”). Now I can’t help but wonder what Rory was doing with Dean when apparently Max Greenfield was also an option.
SCHMIDT IS DEPUTY LEO?! WAIT THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING AND I MUST GO REWATCH ALL OF VERONICA MARS BUT ALSO NEW GIRL
I AM SCREAMING THIS RIGHT NOW
Found “Accidentally” Asphyxiated in Miss Patty’s Bed
bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Marry me.
“VI. Burned Alive During The Wicker Man-Style Ritual That Stars Hollow Performs Every Eighteen Years”
I would be completely OK with a movie version of this. There don’t have to be good guys who stop the ritual, they don’t have to win. Stars Hollow just gets to keep sacrificing scummy/mediocre men every 18 years and the town stays whimsical and sweet forever.
SERIOUSLY HOW DID I NOT NOTICE THIS WHEN I FIRST WATCHED THE SHOW
But like, almost all of Rory’s boyfriends seem to be like this? like if she puts a toe out of line or doesn’t inform them of her whereabouts and friendships and plans down to the second they get really scary and ask why she’s lying to them. I don’t remember if Logan is like this (I just remember that he is The Worst) but Dean and Jess are.
Edit: Supposed to be a reply to Atalanta_Is’s comment about Dean being awful.
They really are. I’m trying to remember a terrible decision on Rory’s part that wasn’t motivated by a man, and I’m having trouble. Because the boys and men in her life are controlling, manipulative, and not terribly interested in her pursuit of her (pretty damn awesome) dreams.
Which, really, is just further evidence that Paris is Rory’s ideal life partner.
On rewatching, Logan is definitely a prick but he doesn’t set off the red flags that Dean does. Jess was good until he and Rory actually started dating, and then he became a mean lying monster. Poor Rory Gilmore, that Logan was her best boyfriend.
I’m curious what makes you say Jess was good until he and Rory started dating? They just started dating in my rewatch and in my view he’s just always a giant dick to everyone in Stars Hollow because he’s such a ~cool bad boy~ but he’s occasionally nice to Rory (when he’s not trying to break her and Dean up, which like, yeah, Dean sucks, but you don’t do that bro). IDK I actually like him a little better after he and Rory get together.
More like he seemed like a good match for Rory. They seemed to mesh and get along and quip together, etc. He was definitely still a giant dick though. Then when they started dating he was just like.. not a great boyfriend? My favorite Jess is when he comes back in the later seasons after he wrote his book.
“Crushed In Mosh Pit At The Offspring Concert”
This is literally the worst death I can imagine.
YESSSSSsssss. If the writers had the gall to give hermit/angel Luke a long-lost daughter, I see no reason why we loyal viewers shouldn’t be rewarded with the untimely (and preferably violent) death of Christopher. It might be the second most cheered-for TV death after a certain blond king on Game of Thrones.
I COMPLETELY FORGOT LUKE’S LONG-LOST DAUGHTER UNTIL I READ THIS COMMENT.
Dammit, it’s like losing The Game.
+1,000,000
This is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen on a Monday.
Can we please do one of these for Logan, too?
plus Matt Czuchry is SO CHARMING. All her other boyfriends were wet dishrags. He makes up for the fact that alexis bledel is basically a just a tree branch with slow blinking blue eyes (Because her acting is wooden).
Also remember when he offers luke the bracelet? He’s a generous guy. Sure he’s a dick to marty, but I stand by my feelings that, his friends are the more dickish ones and two, marty is terrible.
Marty is the very definition of those guys who lament how girls “aren’t interested in nice guys” and then proceeds to debunk his own point by being a spoiled, entitled, creepy, unaware, dolt.
Also, liar.
That said, before he showed his true colors, I actually thought Rory should have gone out with him.
And he done Krysten Ritter WRONG. For that alone he should die.
Rory should have learned to date. She never did. just relationship to relationship. She went on one date once.
But yeah, marty was not an attractive person. The shape he is supposed to occupy on the show is an implied much cooler person than the actual sum of his parts.
Hahahahaha. Truth.
What is this “learning to date” of which you speak? Ugh, dates. Just…ugh.
(Says the girl who has mostly populated her entire relationship life with people who just happened to be in her bands.)
It’s like low stakes socializing in a formalish setting. It’s great practice for job interviews. Grueling, but builds character? Surviving it makes you understand the premises of rom coms.
“It’s great practice for job interviews.”
Excellent.
Oh, and re: wooden. Please don’t ever make me watch Alexis Bledel try to cry. I like to skip all her scenes in the “The Incredible Sinking Loreleis” for exactly that reason.
Then again, I will just STARE at her bangs in the last two seasons. Man, she had really good hair toward the end.
Remember when Christopher makes fun of Max Medina’s music collection?
CHRISTOPHER: Well, what’s his CD collection like?
LORELAI: Don’t read into his CD collection.
CHRISTOPHER: Jazz, classical, what’s the story?
LORELAI: It’s a kind of a general collection.
CHRISTOPHER: Uh oh.
LORELAI: Uh, Christopher.
CHRISTOPHER: Are we talking a dozen soundtracks, a few Beatles, a Bob Dylan, plus a generic fifty?
LORELAI: I said don’t.
CHRISTOPHER: Alanis Morissette?
LORELAI: Hey, a lot of people knee-jerked and bought that first one of hers. Cut him some slack.
CHRISTOPHER: Dave Matthews?
LORELAI: A couple of his things are good.
CHRISTOPHER: Buena Vista Social Club?
LORELAI: Stop it.
CHRISTOPHER: Enya?
I want Christopher to live forever, count of monte christo style. In a dungeon, with only these cds.
“Drowns in the same Dragonfly washroom where Digger met his doom”
My only concern is that someone frees Digger’s pup after his demise.
"Drowns in the same Dragonfly washroom where Digger met his doom"
Aww, Digger.
ETA: meant as reply to @raquinsey
My only concern is that someone frees Digger's pup after his demise.
XI Ensuring the continued succulence and superiority of Jackson’s vegetables via the oldest small-town harvest tradition
What is agony is that all my browsers will let me see that there are more posts in this thread but none of them will let me load them.
I. The Motorcycle Crash
“When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy a motorcycle. But my mom said no. Y’see, her biological dad, Christopher Hayden, died in a horrible motorcycle accident while driving through Stars Hollow… and I could just have his motorcycle.”
– Lorelei Gilmore III
I AM SCREAMING THIS RIGHT NOW