1,206 Comments

  1. CaptainNancy +10

    Hi Toasties.

    My partner and I are moving countries soon, very fucking soon, and my surprise going-away party for him next weekend is all locked in. But, it’s a I-get-the-food, people-get-their-own-drinks thing, which is fine, everyone knows we’re don’t have all that much money, but, I can’t help feeling really rude and un-host-ey. And we’re going out for brunch the next day with his family + other people who are coming in from out of town, which will be nice, but will cost everyone more (too many people to stay in) and I’m feeling really guilty about that too. Plus, I’m just a stresser in general, and am worried it’s just gonna be crap in general,, and not being able to talk to the one person who is great at de-stressing me is not helping.

    So… tell me your stories of surprises. Surprises that were magical, surprises that were funny, and surprises that just made a day a bit better.

    1. aravisthequeen +16

      For my 21st birthday I had no plans, so my bff/roomate at the time threw me a surprise breakfast-for-dinner party. We had our closest friends come by and cooked pancakes, bacon, sausage, the whole nine yards, and an impromptu dance party. I was so surprised and it was low-key enough that I wasn’t overwhelmed, and it was perfect and awesome.

    2. Alli525 +9

      Your party will be so fun! I have only thrown one surprise party, for my then-boyfriend’s birthday. I rounded up like 20 of his nearest and dearest and told them to show up at 5:30 at Outback Steakhouse (lol) and he and I rolled up at 6. He was so surprised and so delighted, and everyone bought their own food AND drinks… and also took him out and got him proper-drunk after. I don’t think people care at ALL about whether you pay the bar tab or not – they just want to see the two of you off to parts unknown.

      1. CaptainNancy +1

        That’s kinda what I’m going for. Thanks, I hope so, and I hope I don’t die of stress beforehand

    3. coloredlights +6

      For my mother’s 60th birthday, my dad flew me in from several states away for her birthday brunch. The brunch itself wasn’t a surprise, but we arranged it so that I flew in the night before, stayed with a friend, and then appeared at the restaurant the next day. My dad was super nervous because my mom hates surprises and he’s not good at keeping secrets, but I convinced him we should see it through and it was great! My mom cried.

      Also basically every party I throw is an I-get-the-food, people-bring-drinks thing. It is always perfectly fine.

      1. msjinxie +4

        I did the same thing for my Ma’s 60th! Though it was an extra surprise for all involved – I was flying standby to use up an old buddy pass and had the WORST luck getting on a flight. What should’ve taken me 5 hours took me close to 36, including a 7-hour stop in Cincinnati. My brother had to fake an emergency to get out of the house during my mom’s birthday bbq so he could come get me from the airport when I finally arrived. (He’s a cop, so he said a body had been found and his Captain required his presence at the crime scene.) Luckily Ma fell for it! I’m not sure who cried harder when I finally showed up – Ma, because she was so surprised/delighted or me, because I’d gotten no sleep and was emotionally wrung out. Totally worth all the stress, though!

    4. longlostlullaby +8

      My mom turned 50 a few years ago. My family lives in Michigan and I had been living in Boston for a long time. A few days before her birthday, I flew in to surprise her. My parents and two sisters went to the movie that night. One sister picked me up from the airport, and we got to the movie theatre during the previews. My sister went and joined my family and a few minutes later I came in, got in the row behind them, then leaned forward, tapped my mom on the shoulder, and asked if I could have some popcorn. It had been a stressful day of delayed flights and driving way over the speed limit to get to the theatre on time, but it didn’t matter because I don’t think I’ve ever made anyone so happy.

      Then that weekend we threw her a surprise party, which she really wasn’t expecting because she’d already had one surprise. And all the stressful parts about throwing a secret party (like accidentally locking my purse in my sister’s house during planning and having to abandon it there so my dad and I could get home before my mom got back from work) didn’t matter anymore, because it was great and she cried and was happy.

    5. KatPruska +8

      My brother and I surprised our parents on Christmas day a few years ago. It was great, my mom cried, the airports were crazy empty. Would recommend.

    6. sofie_fatale +7

      I think every party I’ve ever hosted (like, even the ones where I was prepared to provide drinks for everyone), people always end up bringing drinks with them anyway! It’s just a thing people like to do, so I wouldn’t devote any stress to that at all! Plus, if you’re moving that soon, you really don’t want to have a bunch of six-packs and fancy wines lying around that you won’t be able to drink. It might help to frame it like that in your mind—you’re not just asking people to bring drinks ’cause you can’t afford it, but also because you don’t want to deal with the stress of pouring out three bottles of top-shelf vodka when you’re packing up all your other goods.

      And related, if you WERE hosting a brunch at your house, family might feel obligated to bring a bottle of wine or flowers or something—so paying 20 bucks for their own pancakes isn’t that big of a deal! If they’re traveling from out of town to see you, they’re already saying that it’s worth spending *some* money to see your lovely faces. 🙂

      1. citystillbreath +1

        if i ever even had ONE bottle of top-shelf vodka, let alone three, i sure as hell wouldnt pour it out on moving day! there’s gotta be a better way. but, yes, definitely, think about it as having less stuff to move!

        1. sofie_fatale +4

          I should say, “FEEL like you should pour it down the drain for propriety’s sake, end up getting plastered when you should be packing” 🙂

          1. annesedney +1

            That’s what happened last time I moved. Except it wasn’t so much a full bottle as a bunch of bottles with like an inch left in them each, so OF COURSE the obvious solution was to mix them all together…

    7. elsamac +5

      It’s going to be great! Of course you’re stressed out because planning a party is stressful and so is moving, and not being able to diffuse the stress by venting to your partner is taking a toll. But soon it will be over and you will be at a great party! He’ll be so surprised! And a you-get-food, they-buy-drinks party sounds great!

      I’ve thrown exactly one surprise party in my life: for The Fella, in tandem with his mother, whose idea it was. (She was going to do it come hell or high water, and I found a way to host it without her having to spend a ridiculous amount of money.) It came off great, everyone had a great time, and then The Fella and I (neither of whom loves to be the center of attention) promised we’d never do throw each other another, because we tried it an it just ain’t our style. But the party itself was great

      Here’s the best part of the surprise: I invited a guest neither of us had ever met in person, J., a reporter with whom The Fella had been collaborating weekly for an indie film column. He came and brought his partner A., and the four of us took to each other right away. We invited them to our wedding, and soon started had a standing date for dinner.

      Six years later, J. has moved on to a think-tank, The Fella works as a critic for J.’s former newspaper (and parlayed that gig into a freelancing position at The A.V. Club), and A. & J. are two of my favorite people in the world. It’s one of those surprises you couldn’t possibly imagine or engineer, and they make life richer than you could have dreamed.

      1. CaptainNancy +1

        That is a fantastic meet-cute story with A&J, I love it.

        Thanks for the understanding and the well wishes.

    8. OshKoshMalosh +4

      For my 30th birthday, I decided to have a get-together at my brother’s house (my apartment being too small for such a thing). I normally don’t do anything more extravagant than a dinner out, because I’m not that into birthdays in general. This particular year, my birthday was on a Saturday, so I thought for sure I’d get at least 10 or so people to come.

      Well, as it turns out, nobody was able to come on Saturday. I resigned myself to having a bonfire with my parents, brothers and SIL, and fiance. My parents called me during the week to say they couldn’t do Saturday, but could they come take me out to dinner on Friday?

      At this point, I was feeling a little bad for myself, like nobody wanted to come to my party, even my PARENTS! Turns out, somehow nearly all the people I invited could make it on Friday instead of Saturday. My SIL planned the whole thing, and I was totally surprised! It was kind of shocking that I didn’t see it coming, but it made the surprise all the better, in my opinion!

    9. ppyajunebug +9

      My birthday is in June, so I never got to celebrate it at college with my friends. It was definitely a major bummer, because I always planned elaborate parties for them and baked cakes, but then got to spend mine with my parents. I complained about it a little, but not super often.

      My sophmore year was ROUGH. I was struggling with anxiety and depression and feeling like I had been abandoned by my two closest friends because they had boyfriends. It sucked. I haven’t quite been the same since. I spent a lot of time with my guy friends hanging out in their rooms since I lived far off campus and associated my apartment with sadness and being alone, but I never really told them why.

      One random day in April that year, I was hanging out in the library and one of my friends came by and was like “hey let’s go over to the boys’ room!”. I was down for that, so I went with her. As soon as I opened the door, all of my friends and their roommates jumped out and surprised me.

      They had thrown me a surprise un-birthday party. With cake and pizza and presents. I cried a little. It’s still the greatest party I’ve ever been to and the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.

      Surprises are wonderful

    10. Bothari +4

      My mom finished her bachelor’s degree right before she turned 50 (she’d gone back to school while my brother and I were in high school – very brave/crazy), so Brother and I decided to throw her a surprise party celebrating her wonderfulness. Friends and family from far and wide. I had a whole great story about why we had to go to this certain building (I’d rented out a community room there), and Mom had no clue, until she and I pulled up and my brother and my grandmother were standing outside smoking. Sigh. They couldn’t have gone 10 minutes earlier or later? Other than that, though, it was a success! And nobody cared about the food options – they just wanted to see Mom happy and/or crying. Your party will be great!

    11. actualmeg +2

      Once during college I had nothing to do one weekend and found out that someone else was also making the 2 1/2 hour drive from our campus to my parents’ neck of the woods. Instead of telling anyone I was coming, I just walked in the back door, clunked my bag down on the floor, and said hi to my dad as if I were coming home after a normal day of high school. His double-take was really, REALLY satisfying.

    12. quotidianc +1

      For my friend’s 18th birthday, another friend and I took her on her first trip abroad. We had convinced her to get her passport early for a holiday we were going on a few months later. She thought she was going to the cinema with her parents, but they took a diversion on the way because her dad wanted to look at something and she was shocked to find us and end up on a 24 hour coach & ferry trip to Calais with us. For my 18th, they blindfolded me on the way out of school, and took me for an evening at a dry ski slope. Good times!

      For my mum’s 40th, dad took her away for a night, when she thought they were just going out for dinner. When they had been driving for about an hour, mum was getting worried about how late they would be for the babysitter, and dad revealed all.

      Thanks for prompting a nice trip down memory lane!

    13. MilesofMountain +1

      My boyfriend and I had been dating just over a year when I invited him to come on a family vacation. Every summer for the last 20 years my family has rented a cabin at a little place up island, and it’s great and low key and relaxed and I thought it would be a good environment for him to meet them and that it would do him good to get away from work for once. He said he couldn’t take the time off, and not only that he’d have to go on a trip to the next town over the day before so he couldn’t even drive me to the airport. So I took a cab, flew down, and as I was waiting at the baggage carousel he walks up behind me. He drove to the next town over to take a flight from there that arrived an hour before mine so could surprise me!

  2. aravisthequeen +57

    TOAST. My work is such a horror show. This week my boss’s wife came in and we were chitchatting about Halloween, and she told us all about how her kid last year was a “Japanese samurai” and they dressed him in a “silk outfit” and gave him makeup to give him SLANTED EYES and a Fu Manchu. And he went from house to house in a weird squatting position. The year before that he was an “Indian brave” with a feathered headdress, breechcloth, moccasins, etc.

    What the hell are they going to do next, put him in blackface??? This year he was a Redcoat (as that is big in my neck of the woods), one year he was a Confederate soldier (why???) and all I can think of is “WOW you guys are like the effing poster children for idiot white-privilege Halloween costumes, aren’t you?” This fits right in with my boss going “I don’t understand why these people are complaining about the word Eskimo, I don’t think it’s offensive” [GUESS WHAT YOU DON’T GET TO DECIDE] and calling random native people “Redfeather.” So.

    O CANADA.

      1. PonyAlong +14

        Good Lord, I just about said his very thing on another post (it was, essentially, “Canada, don’t be so fucking smug about race issues; remember your historical and current attitude towards Aboriginals? Yeah, thought so.)

    2. blunderbusst +8

      I don’t know if it’s the education I’m getting here, or if the world is getting more awful, or what, but this is the year I started to notice that MOST Halloween costumes are offensive. When did that happen?

      1. catoclock +18

        Yeah wait what? I grew up in West Virginia, which is one of the places where racists like to claim that it’s their “heritage” or whatever, but at least that’s like… in the right country.

      2. aravisthequeen +16

        I think the real answer is “Because you’re secretly racist as fuck!” but the Given Answer is probably something, like, “he thinks the Rebel flag is cool.” I DON’T EVEN KNOW.

      3. MmeSiniichulok +8

        I don’t know, but the other American and I had to explain to the rest of our socially progressive book club why the lyrically nostalgic, casually racist, recently written White Southern memoir we read didn’t represent Another Voice That Needs To Be Heard because theirs is the traditionally dominant narrative and the message is horrible. It was one of our best discussions, but there were some who persisted in missing the point. (They also thought The Help was really great.) My American friend and I concluded that the rest of our friends were perhaps too far removed.

      4. MilesofMountain +4

        For the same reason some asshole in my town put a Confederate flag on his truck even though we’re in northern Canada. I think some people have some fake nostalgia for the old south as some redneck paradise where men were men, women were blonde and wore Daisy Dukes, and they wouldn’t have to deal with all these librul types and non-white folk.

      5. Confused

        Not that this changes the racially fused absurdity but a red coat was an English Soldier circa the North American colonial invasion, Canada remained Brit while the US revolted. You maybe confusing Red Coat with Red Neck? Hence the Confederate comment?

        1. Confused +1

          Never mind that! I missed the actual Confederate costume as well. Geez, there is really nothing that can be said for the perspective of your employer. Shocking.

    4. kilks401 +20

      I had a pre-school teacher come in and say she needed books on pilgrims. That’s fine, I’m a Children’s librarian and will happily get her books. But then she said, “I was going to do Native Americans, but they’re too complicated for the kids, so I’m going with Pilgrims” ….. what? Native Americans are actually around today! They’re not complicated! Pilgrims haven’t existed for what, 300 years?!?

      So, solidarity on people making clueless comments/ decisisons.

      1. aravisthequeen +23

        Not even that but how do you tell the story of the Pilgrims without talking about the Native Americans, too????? Are you pretending they came to an uninhabited land???

    7. raqueue +14

      Um. Umm *sighs*

      Okay, the racist native and asian costumes don’t surprise me at all, given the sheer amount of racism against natives embedded in day-to-day Canadian culture .. and let’s not even discuss attitudes towards “immigrants”. Thank you, Canadians, for perpetuating this.

      I am super amused by the bizarre historical dichotomy of both dressing him as both a redcoat and a Confederate solider (pretty darn terrible).

    8. Battle_Swine +8

      UGH UGH my boss explained to everyone in the department about how her son was going as “a Mexican” for Halloween. Complete with sombrero, poncho, mustache, and a giant bottle of tequila. Her son is 23.

    1. octopoda +11

      My wife and I were stunned at all the forensic evidence they seem to have completely ignored. And very interesting to hear all the the Innocence Project lawyers had to say about the case and feelings about clients.

    2. Steph +5

      I was wondering how long it’d be before lawyers got involved in advising the show, and I think that’s good. I’m sure there are lawyers involved behind the scenes, but having them on tape providing some perspective is illuminating.

      Also, this is a thoughtful take on the whole podcast: http://maisonneuve.org/post/2014/11/5/serial-jour…

      1. FrancesGnome +6

        Thanks, that link brought up some good points. I think partly why SK hasn’t talked about Hae much is that her parents (and maybe family as a whole?) didn’t want to be a part of this. But some of her friends talked to Sarah, so maybe they could fill that in? It feels like Hae’s being left out and used as a prop. This is not about justice for Hae as much as it appears to be justice for Adnan and that bugs me too.

        1. Steph +4

          *nods* Yeah, especially in these last couple episodes. It started off with her a little more central (which is necessary to set up the story) but as it goes on, it’s The Adnan Show. It’s hard to say how much it would be possible to centre the story on Hae, especially since her family didn’t want to be a part of it, but it’s starting to bother me too.

        2. FreeRangeMenses +3

          I thought about Hae being a kind of prop too, but the thing I have to remember is that justice for her – even if it’s framed as justice for Adnan – means that her true killer (whoever it is) gets punished. The idea of an innocent person in jail means that a guilty person is free.

    3. grandma_nancy +6

      Yeah, I had a feeling Innocence Project was going to get involved somehow. Are we going to hear from Jay next week?? I can’t remember what she said near the beginning of the series about him–was it that he didn’t want to talk?

    4. seapartridge +3

      I can’t explain why, but I reeeeally want Adnan to be innocent, so this episode made me happy.

    5. actualmeg +10

      I still kind of think he might have done it. That said, the evidence uncovered so far does not in any way prove that–certainly not enough to implicate him beyond a reasonable doubt. No way should he have been convicted on that basis.

      1. PaigePoo +4

        Agree, I lean towards thinking he probably did it, but we don’t know how or why or what role Jay/other people had in it. There just didn’t seem to be enough evidence to prove his guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. Like they said in this episode, oftentimes juries don’t have an “innocent until proven guilty” mindset, making it easier to convict with little evidence.

    6. her_again +2

      I’ve been getting nervous that sooner or later the journalists involved in ‘Serial’ would just kind of reach the endpoint. Like, they would just have to say, ‘Oh, well, we reviewed all the evidence and spoke to everyone we could, and this for sure doesn’t add up, but there’s nothing more we can really do, so … thanks for listening!’ So I am super excited to see actual lawyers getting involved, who may have the professional capacity to actually ‘solve’ (and potentially overturn?) the case in a way that journalists can’t.

      1. fakely_mctest +3

        Is it weird that I got a little envious when Sarah said Deirdre was, “one of the busiest and most curious people I’ve ever met.” It was just such a lovely compliment. I want SK to call me curious, dangit!

    8. fakely_mctest +5

      I thought this episode was a nice palate cleanser. I also liked that SK was talking about having some of the same doubts about Adnan and his story as I’ve been having. Plus I liked Deirdre a LOT. She was peppery. Not sure exactly when these conversations happened since SK has been investigating for a year but it’s nice to know there are some experts with access to all the trial and police info.

      One thing I thought was really interesting is when Deirdre was talking about her innocent clients and how it’s so common for them to be totally unhelpful.

      I think next week should be good. I really want to hear more about Jay as a person and more about his stories. He’s the one person who is definitely involved since he led police to Hae’s car and knew how she died. I’m interested to see if there’s an alternative potential explanation as to why Jay might pin things on Adnan.

  4. blunderbusst +13

    Hey guys!

    Um, I’m alive? In case anyone was wondering? I’ve been away from the internet on several consecutive Friday mornings (including last week when my state celebrated the anniversary of its statehood by essentially getting drunk in the streets at 9 am). Anyway.

    How are you? What’s new? What have I missed in Personal Toasted Correspondence?

    For people keeping score, Blunderboyfriend and I have attended two counseling sessions (we’re going every other week). The first one left me hopeful and excited: the therapist is great, and if our biggest problem is that we’re too nice to each other to express what we’re thinking/feeling, that shouldn’t be too hard to fix, right?

    Between the first and the second one, I unintentionally started keeping a mental list of ALL THE THINGS THAT BOTHER ME ABOUT HIM/OUR RELATIONSHIP, and now I feel a little bit overwhelmed by the amount of things I would like to fix. This seems like maybe it isn’t normal or good? What do you think?

    We spent the second appointment discussing a specific misunderstanding and how it relates to my need for personal time compared to his need for couple time, and I’m not sure we resolved it very well and everything still feels really wide open and blech.

    So, let’s talk about some stuff!

    1. thecaitd +22

      When you start making a list of everything you want to change about the person, that is precisely the time you should step away from trying to change them. It’s just not a good headspace to be in (I speak from experience).

        1. safvn +4

          Agreed – BUT I would try to figure out what about the list is him and what is your relationship. What things bother you about just stuff he does, and what bothers you that you two do together, that you could also help change?

    2. RoseCamelia +6

      Welcome back. Good for you for going to therapy and extra good for you for thinking about what to address in therapy.

    3. Briony_Fields +7

      I would say it depends on the stuff itself. Are these big problems or more smaller, irritating things? You might find that resolving a couple of problems makes the other ones disappear, these things can be weirdly connected in ways we don’t notice.

    4. gorebooth +4

      Hurray, good on both of you for going! In my experience, some weeks are harder than others with this stuff. But I do think that you can ask the therapist for ways to leave the session feeling, if not resolved, at least put-back-together, rather than ‘wide open and blech’.

  5. houblonchouffe +25

    It has been A Week, Toasties, and I’d do a great deal to have someone pour me a drink right now. Feels like a bourbon sort of day.

    2. stephanieho +4

      *hug* I personally love this cocktail (boulevardier) if you’re in the mood to mix:

      1 1/2 oz. bourbon
      1 oz. Campari
      1 oz. sweet vermouth
      garnish with an orange twist

      it’s basically a bourbon negroni

      1. houblonchouffe +3

        I HAVE HAD THIS
        You’re right, that would be perfect. If PC and I aren’t fighting by the end of the day maybe it’ll happen. Bad odds.

      2. WanderingDancer +1

        Boulevardiers are definitely one of my top 5 favorite cocktails. So herbal and bitter from the Campari, but with just enough sweetness from the bourbon and vermouth to balance everything out.

    3. Fazakerly +2

      I had been assuming you only drank La Chouffe (or is it L’Achouffe?) 🙂
      I hope you wet your whistle as much as you need today.

      1. houblonchouffe +4

        <3 This was an excellent assumption and I appreciate your aplomb.

        Real talk: I got to leave work at 1pm and proceeded to meet the PC at the pub and so I’m now several beers deep and watching Grey’s while he naps before we go back to same pub for Friday night revelry. AND Boss gave me half a fifth of Tullamore Dew. So.

        1. Fazakerly +1

          …and you managed to get a grant at the end of all that.
          Hopefully you are feeling better all round.
          (It takes me all day to get through the thread, since I don’t read it at work…)

    4. StillT +4

      If you ask me, it’s always a bourbon sort of day!

      My current favorite bourbon cocktail is from a place in Chicago called q. It’s called the Bowman. Unfortunately I don’t have the proportions, but the ingredients are: Knob Creek maple, spiced rum, vermouth, peach bitters.

      It starts out heavy on the bourbon flavor, and finishes like maple syrup. It’s a great brunch beverage, if you’re willing to go bourbon that early.

  6. grumblyqueer +54

    All I want is an iPod that hit the market after I hit high school.
    In that vein, I was clearing out my backpack today to account for break packing, and I found a gem of a short story from HS Spanish. A poor woman decides she doesn’t want to get married, asks a witch for help, gains the power to turn into a tiger, and eats all of her suitors.

    1. Scarlet_Flight +6

      That is an excellent HS Spanish story! I also just found some HS Spanish short fiction, which was basically fanfiction of Mulder and Scully discussing a case in New Mexico and Scully being all, “There’s no evidence!” and Mulder being all, “I want to believe!”. Ah yeah, Spanish class!

      Also, where can I find this witch you speak of…

    2. deleted2997279 +2

      Relatedly – I was looking at ipod prices recently – $149 for a nano?!?!?!? On what planet is that acceptable?????

    3. cornpancake +3

      I remember reading stories in Spanish and being like “…ok did that really happen, or am I misunderstanding some crucial vocabulary?” See also: things guys said to me on dates while I was studying abroad in Spain.

    4. elleeedee +1

      Oh but wait, do you have to *be* French, or is it a living-in-France thing? I only live here!

      2. 1sic1 +3

        Just living in France, of course (or visiting/planning to visit). No one’s checking passports.

  8. Megan +3

    Hey, sensible people of The Toast, got a quandary. I booked a photographer who was running a deal for readers of a popular indie wedding blog — one of those sponsored posts that ends with “and Photographer is offering 10% off to readers who book now!” I got a strong feeling throughout the whole process that she was rushing and giving less time to our work because we were a discount job — our engagement shoot ended early, she discouraged us from doing inside photos on the wedding day even though it was raining steadily because she’d have to set up extra equipment, she got both engagement and wedding photo galleries back to us in half the usual time, and they *looked* rushed — and after we pointed out the issues in a number of photos she was able to fix them so easily that I wondered why she hadn’t just done it before sending to us (why would I want a photo of me mid-blink?)

    Weeks ago she asked me to leave positive reviews for her on various wedding websites, and I haven’t responded or done anything, which feels a little passive-aggressive. Should I do something more professional/active, such as … tell her I was disappointed with the service we received? Share my negative experience with the whole sponsored-deal thing with the wedding blog (privately)?

    Or, since we got a decent number of good photos (I mean, no one really needs 200 gorgeous blogworthy shots; only a few ever end up framed, etc etc), and she was personally pleasant, should I just write a review saying we were satisfied and leave it at that?

    I don’t know if this is a legit thing to be bothered by (and “somewhat bothered, when I think about it” is the strongest description of how I feel, so maybe it’s just not worth the psychic energy), or if it’s perfectly fair for a person to spend less time on a job that pays less money, or how much my feelings are influenced by the whole weddingy vibe that says you need to LOVE your vendors and photography is the MOST IMPORTANT THING.

    Tldr: felt shortchanged by our wedding photographer, but it wasn’t a disaster and we did get nice wedding pics out of the deal, should I do or say anything about it?

    1. breakdownhat +18

      I don’t think you should feel pressured to leave a positive review if you weren’t thrilled with the service. But it also seems like you weren’t disappointed enough to leave a negative review. Not leaving any review is a totally legitimate option.

      1. elsajeni +34

        Or, it sounds like you could very reasonably and truthfully write a mixed review — “We liked her personally, we were happy with the final photos, but at some points during the process we felt rushed or like she was pressuring us not to do something we wanted because it would have required extra effort from her. Good photography, not great service.” or something like that.

        1. GreenGrasses +6

          This seems like the way to go with me! I am a big fan of reviews and love when people are honest in this way.

    2. blunderbusst +16

      You can reply to her privately and tell her what you just told us: that you were less than satisfied and here are the reasons for your less-than-satisfaction. You aren’t required to say or do anything publicly, and to give her a good public review would be disingenuous (what if she does that kind of half-assed job all the time?). Also, constructive criticism is instructive: telling her what you didn’t like gives her a chance to correct it in the future.

      IMO, “somewhat bothered, when I think about it” is usually an acceptable motivator for speaking up.

    3. CleverManka +38

      she asked me to leave positive reviews for her on various wedding websites

      I don’t care if the photography was exceptional and stellar and you loved her so much you wanted to invite her along on the honeymoon. NOBODY should ask for a positive review. Especially on multiple websites. It’s one thing to say “hey thanks for that thing you said, can I use it on my website.” It’s quite another to ask “say good things about me here, here, here, and here.”

        1. Megan +4

          In her defense, it was a lighter, pleasantly-written request, and less of a directive, but still. Thank you all for your input! Wedding stuff can be so fraught; sane outside opinions are helpful. I think I’ll let her know I’m happy to leave a review noting both our ultimate satisfaction and the things we didn’t love.

      2. thebellewitch +4

        A dog trainer I worked with recently did this, and I was very happy with her services, but now that she’s been texting me to leave a review I’m like ugghhhhh. So yeah.

        2. GoatseFanfic +5

          I totally get why people do it, because internet review sites are lifeblood for b2c freelancing and even if you have a hundred clients who absolutely love you the only person who will ever think to go out there and write a review unprompted will be the crazy asshole who’s mad that you had the audacity to bill them and someone you’ve never done business with who might be some kind of spambot, but yeah still hell no.

          1. thebellewitch +4

            I get it too, and that’s why I’m probably going to just write the review, but bleh, putting people on the spot.

            My dentist did a thing where he had a little sign in his office that said for every review posted on Yelp in X month he’d donate to a particular charity. I thought that was pretty okay – it didn’t say positive review, and there was no pressure beyond the existence of the sign.

      3. tubatoothpaste +4

        Yeah, holy crap, asking you to leave a review is OK, but asking for a positive review… no.

      4. LeastBittern +1

        Unless you hired a cousin or a high school friend: anyone who would have been invited ANYWAY, but came and worked can ask for a positive review. One.

    4. rhymeswitheight +1

      I think if you want her to know the things that irked you, you can tell her. But definitely don’t feel pressure to leave a more positive review than you would of your own will!!

    5. deleted2997279 +20

      I think other people have great advice, and I just have something else to add: In all honesty, 10% isn’t much (relatively. Obviously $300 is a chunk of change, but paying the remaining $2,700 is still a significant amount too, you know?). I would be afraid that that’s just how she -is-. It’d be one thing if she took 50% off and rushed you because yeah, that’s a big loss for her. But 10%? That’s basically full price, in my mind, and I’d assume that the attitude she displayed is just her attitude. I think you should speak up, in whatever way you feel comfortable.

  9. ppyajunebug +7

    LET’S CONTINUE THE PODCAST DISCUSSION HERE BECAUSE I LOVE NEW PODCASTS.

    Previously recommended by me: Criminal, an awesome podcast about crime run/hosted by Phoebe Judge. Now a member of Radiotopia to whose Kickstarter you should pledge because they’re doing good things like promoting female-run shows and giving their employees health insurance.

    1. Steph +3

      Yeah — the Radiotopia people clearly have their priorities straight. Make excellent radio, but treat our people properly too.

      Three that I’ve been listening to a lot lately are:
      Kevin and Ursula Eat Cheap (reviews of terrible packaged foods, with a kitchen beagle and frequently inebriated ranting)
      Story Collider (like The Moth, but science themed)
      Not Such Thing as a Fish (trivia from the QI elves)

      And to the Toastie who recommended Rex Factor, thank you! It’s been this week’s binge listen.

      1. ppyajunebug +2

        Oh my god that first one sounds AMAZING. I must listen.

        I like Story Collider a lot, but it’s always not quite as good as I think it should be. I don’t know why- I love science and I love storytelling so it should be my favorite.

        SOMEONE ELSE WHO HAS BEEN BINGEING REX FACTOR. It’s pretty great, and I am soooo psyched for when they get to Henry VIII. Must…not…skip…ahead…

        1. Steph +2

          This is going to sound so hipster-y, but I think it was better when it first started. A lot of the stories more recently have pretty loose interpretations of “a science story” and it’s just not as compelling. However, if you’ve not heard Ben Lillie’s Moth story, go listen to it — it is so good and kind of heartbreaking.

          If you like KUEC, they also have a short podcast called The Hidden Almanac, which is five minutes of fake hagiography and gardening tips from a stern professor of divinity who likes crows. If their podcasts are anything to go by, they are delightful people.

    2. PomoFrannyGlass +3

      Ooooh, I’m so glad you’re pimping Criminal! One of the producers is a friend and I love what they’re doing and keep trying to suggest it to Serial addicts.

      “Like the Moth but science themed” is the right pitch for me, I will check out Story Collider – I can’t listen to TAL or the Moth because I’m afraid of Feelings! Attacks! but I do appreciate good storytelling (Radiolab is my jam).

    3. Sonora Webster +3

      Have you started listening to Call Your Girlfriend? Ann Friedman and Aminatou Sow are “long distance besties” who have delightful conversations. Lots of smart feminist talk, some listener questions, discussions of Beyoncé and Taylor Swift, and a recurring feature called “this week in menstration.”

      I also really like some of the Slate podcasts, even though I don’t usually like Slate that much. My favorites are the political one on Fridays, and the Double X one every other Thursday.

      I just want all my podcasts to be smart people talking to each other about interesting things! All of these are in that category.

      1. Billy1490 +2

        I liked it okay but their whole conversation about how everything happens on the East Coast and how miserable it is to be on the West because of it really rubbed me the wrong way. Just an elitism that doesn’t sit right with me.

    4. FreeRangeMenses +3

      Does anyone have a recommendation for another crime or legal themed podcast? I adore both Serial and Criminal – I’ve done some searching but I’ve come up short.

    5. HottieCooterati +1

      I looove the humor podcasts on maximumfun.org, especially My Brother, My Brother and Me, Lady to Lady and RISK! (which is people doing live tellings of stories they never thought they’d tell anyone).

      Also I totally dig scary things so I adore Pseudopod, which is just a lot of great horror fiction being read aloud.

    6. shucksmahoney +1

      I am in major internet love with A Tiny Sense of Accomplishment (at infinite guest) with Jess Walters and Sherman Alexie. Alexie is one of my favourite authors, and he’s a heckuva a performer, too, and they talk a lot about the practicalities of writing, the market, the measure of success, how to pitch, etc.

    7. laylapalooza +1

      “I Don’t Even Own a Television” – podcast that reviews bad books of various genres. I love it!

  10. thecaitd +16

    Does anyone else want to commiserate about body image issues rn?

    I went through a breakup about five weeks ago and gained a tiny bit of weight around the same time (like, probably no one but me noticed it). I think I’m actually starting to lose it already, but it’s been really hard to not feel revolting and unlovable.

    In other news, some NYC Toasties tipsily livetweeted Dirty Dancing at #drinkydancing this week and it was REAL FUN. We are thinking of livetweeting other dancy movies, and Toasties from all over the place should definitely participate.

    1. houblonchouffe +11

      Always.

      I ran a fucking marathon a month ago, have never been as fit as I am (well, if you don’t count that I’ve basically been a slug since I crossed the finish line), and yet. AND. YET. The finish-line photo arrived yesterday and all I can see are the sports-bra-squashed A-cups and squashy midsection and giant thighs and and and and and

    3. ct330 +4

      YES ME I DO because it has been COLD and RAINY and I have been working long annoying hours, and it gets dark so soon, and I don’t like to run in the dark bc men ruin everything so I haven’t been on long walks/runs with my dog as much, nor have I been doing much physical activity because when I do have a spare moment I am trying (and failing) to keep up with NaNoWriMo.

      Lack of regular physical activity also makes me moody, too, and then I feel guilty that I’m giving into bad body feelings, and it’s a whole thing.

      #drinkydancing was very fun, though!!

    4. Olgasrevenge +6

      I’m here for commiserating about body issues. I just started therapy for OCD, and since I hid the problem for a little over a decade, I came to have all kinds of beliefs about myself relating to it. My therapist wants to get into these beliefs a bit and one of them is just that I’m universally malformed – it’s the core belief that ties together my OCD, my fat body, and my queerness. My therapist wants me to find a way to be compassionate to myself through this but instead I just feel disgusting. Have you found any ways to practice self-care when you feel revolting and unlovable?

      1. citystillbreath +3

        I watch you tube videos of zumba! I would never, ever go to an actual class, because my coordination is zero, but the moves are so ridiculous and the music is so fun, no matter how sloth-like I feel I’m always up and dancing in minutes. Just bouncing around your living room (naked, in leggings and sports bra, in a sari, in a toga, in whatever you feel good in!) for half an hour will totally boost your mood and energy, and it’s exercise too!

        1. GlowCloud +5

          I’ve started taking a Zumba class this semester and the great thing about it is that everyone is as uncoordinated as you feel and it’s mostly just hilarious, like, I don’t understand how the instructor manages not to crack up every 5 minutes. Fitness classes are not really my thing, and anything choreographed especially not, but it’s worked out okay, I think.

    5. lilsebastian01 +2

      I gained a bunch of weight since a break up last year (and due to a few other factors) and I had to buy all new clothes and it was expensive and miserable, so, yeah, I hear you.

    6. winterbymorning +17

      I’ve gotten better at exercising consistently over the past month, and the endorphins (and the knowledge that I’m doing something to improve my fitness!) really help, but… In terms of body image I tend to swing wildly between “I am so hot, LOOK AT MY BUTT and my perfect lipstick” and “I am a tub of lard, I should never go to the beach or have sex with the lights on ever again.” It is an ongoing struggle.

    7. hedgelet +9

      Yup, body image issues. Sigh. I just got back from a little hiking trip, and the combination of the others on the trip being fitter than me and a few not-flattering photos in which all I can see is how chubby I look have sent me into kind of a tailspin. Am I looking at the gorgeous scenery in the photos? Am I recognizing that my body just carried a huge pack around for a few days and had a great time doing it?? No, of course I am beating myself up over my squishy middle and face. Ugh.

      Anyway, all of this is to say I hear you. Working on the body image stuff is a pretty constant and agonizing thing for me. I had hoped I would have grown out of it by now. Does this happen? Anyone have some words of advice?

    8. femaelstrom +3

      I’m sorry to hear about your breakup <3

      Ever since I moved out of my parents’ house, I haven’t been cooking healthy food/eating well and I’ve gained weight (my mom and I used to cook together; now I have 3 housemates and I just can’t be arsed to work around their schedules and make meals for myself so there’s been a lot of mac and cheese and a lot of takeout).

      For me, one thing that’s helped is doing Krav Maga every week. It’s not frequent enough or enough of a workout to burn off the weight I’ve gained, but at least once a week I can be like “hell yeah, I’m sweating and my endorphins are going, and look at all the cool stuff my body can do! it can kick and punch and hurt people!”

      Just being reminded that I have a body that does cool stuff distracts me from agonizing about how it looks 🙂

      1. thecaitd +6

        Yes, the cooking thing is a huge factor. I’m busy (who isn’t), I only cook for myself, and I don’t have a dishwasher. I would love to make myself healthful meals every night, and technically I could, but I wouldn’t get the quiet alone time that I’m still trying to convince myself I deserve. And I’d be up til all hours cleaning up after myself.

        …is it okay to not be perfect at domesticity?

      2. Beakses +3

        Beating people up, definitely the best thing I’ve done for my body image. My body can throw people, it must be awesome 😛 There is actually a noticeable dip in my self image when I take too much time off- look in the mirror, unhappy with body? Time to go to judo!

    9. figtreecooking +12

      This is why I quit wearing jeans five years ago, gaining (or losing!) a little weight made them fit wrong and me feel gross. Skirts (and leggings) has really helped.

    10. floridagal1 +3

      Yes ugh I quit karate when I started writing my thesis because of a) need more time to write and b) totally fed up with the creepy guy in class touching my chest and no idea how else to deal with it…Anyway that was 6 months ago and Mr. Floridagal said I was fat the other day. I was surprised how much that hurt b/c I didn’t feel like I’d gained any weight, but to be fair we don’t own a scale. Now I’m self conscious all the time about this. But we’re moving in 3 weeks and clearly I can not go back to karate.

      1. lilsebastian01 +9

        Whoa, that’s not an OK thing for your husband to say. That sucks that that happened.

      2. Beakses +2

        I’m sorry about the creepy dude- dojos should be safe, asshole free places, but sometimes they are not. If you said something to your sensei, would he/ she be likely to a) understand and b) do something about creepy dude? I know dojos vary in character a lot, but my judo dojos have always had a pretty firm stance about running off assholes.

    11. MilesofMountain +4

      I’m right there with you on the body image thing. I got a new job that is making it harder to go to the gym regularly and as a result I’ve lost a bit of muscle and gained some fat. Not a lot, but enough that my weight just hit a milestone I’m not happy with (even if it is only 2 lbs more than my previous max weight). I don’t understand how, when I lost a little bit of weight while gaining a whole bunch of muscle (logically meaning I must have lost a bunch of fat), I didn’t feel different or look different, but now that it took a couple of steps back I feel pudgy and slothy and horrible. How is this fair?

    12. socktantrum +2

      I feel you… I spent all of last week in bed after minor-ish surgery and even though I know that one week doesn’t mean much in the grand scheme of how my body looks, I feel like a blob, especially since I still have some restrictions on activity. Going back to yoga this week was frustrating. Basically I hate running up against the limits of my own body and I should just step back and look at all the good healing I’ve done but ughhhh.

    13. DishKit +4

      What helped me most in terms of body image issues was deciding to view my body as a thing that is for Doing Things rather than a thing that is for Being Looked At. When I’m feeling gross about my body, I ask myself: Can I physically do the things that I like/need to do? Is my size or weight preventing me from doing anything that I like/need to do? Am I in good health? So far, the answers have always been respectively Yes, No, and Yes. These answers mean that my body is doing just fine.

      Something else that has helped me is setting and accomplishing physical goals. I wanted to do 6 unassisted pull-ups in a row–I stepped up my training and did it. I wanted to run a half-marathon–I did it. I wanted to learn a new dance move–I did it. I wanted to run a marathon–I did it. These are accomplishments that no one can deny or take away from me. Most importantly, *I* can’t take them away from myself. These things I’ve done are facts now. They’re part of me. If someone out there doesn’t like the way I look, it’s their problem. This is a body that is wonderful at doing things and I’ve decided that that’s what is most important.

  11. longlostlullaby +54

    Book things:

    -I just read North and South for the first time. The heroine is tall and proud and the men who love her think she’s a haughty queen looking down on them with disdain. She finds weddings to be just too much nonsense and when men declare their love for her it’s such an inconvenience and honestly quite silly. When she banters with a man it’s about unionization in factories and workers’ rights. I think she’s my new favorite heroine of classic literature.

    -I wouldn’t have spent money on it, but I got a Kindle for my birthday last year. I’ve been a library goer my whole life so I mostly download free public domain books on it, because I’m not going to start buying a bunch of books just because I’ve got a Kindle. But I have bought some over the past year, and I realized the other day that I’ve only paid for books from female authors so far. It was unintentional before, but now that I’ve realized it I will continue to only spend money on female authors and only download the men when they’re free.

          1. perianwen +7

            Thirding with enthusiasm. All I want is for someone to gaze at me like that (from time to time)!

          2. raqueue +4

            I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I will never never have someone have the human capability to gaze at me like that in real life.

            That chemistry. Just … that chemistry.

          3. perianwen +3

            I like to think there’s always the potential. I think one of the gentlemen I’m casually seeing could get there, if we allowed ourselves to.

          1. femaelstrom +17

            I DON’T REMEMBER A DIDDLY DARN THING ABOUT THAT MINISERIES BECAUSE I COULDN’T STOP LOOKING AT RICHARD ARMITAGE’S GLORIOUS NOSE

          2. thecaitd +19

            I mean, you didn’t miss anything. The rest of the movie was just the other characters saying ‘damn…that man has a stately-ass nose.’

          3. Gzortenplatz +1

            I am giggling like a fool at the picture conjured up by “stately-ass nose,” thanks for that.

          4. perianwen +2

            The outfits he was wearing too, though – yum.

            I learned late last year that he and I are the same age and I think that means we’re Destined to Be.

      3. ballisticjaguar +9

        Hello I would like to join the North and South party. I have nothing to add that has not already been said.

      4. longlostlullaby +3

        I haven’t, but I see it’s on Netflix, so it looks like that’s how I’ll be spending my weekend.

      5. jenavira +10

        Hello I would like to join the North and South love and also register my absolute admiration of Mrs. Thornton. What a badass lady. (Also, she has the greatest hair, I stole my steampunk hairstyle from her, it is wonderful.)

    2. constancecg +15

      I ADORE Margaret Hale and her queenly posture. Remember that time she faced down an angry mob with nothing but her dignity and wits? The BBC did an adaptation in 2004 that’s really surprisingly good; it has Richard Armitage as Mr. Thornton and the world’s most romantic handshake scene.

      1. longlostlullaby +10

        Also the time she faints when no one’s around and then after she just gets up and doesn’t tell anyone because sympathy is for suckers.

    3. ct330 +12

      OOOH book things!

      -Just added North and South to my list

      -I’m reading The Gift of Fear for the first time. It is…rough, but not as bad as I thought it was going to be? I remember picking it up at Barnes and Nobel a few years ago and reading the first chapter and putting it down IMMEDIATELY because I thought it was just a book of victim accounts of sexual assault (which I guess is an easy mistake to make, given how it starts out) and I was like NOPE NOPE NOPE. But I’m learning the names for methods men use to try to “interview” women to see if they will be good victims or not, and it really is empowering to learn how to name things and be like I SEE YOU, DICKFACE, I KNOW WHAT IT IS YOU’RE DOING.

      -I’m also reading The Lottery and Other Stories and SHIRLEY JACKSON. SHIRLEY. FREAKING. JACKSON. Also, post-Halloween, dreary-cold November is an EXCELLENT time to be Shirley Jackson-ing for the first time.

      1. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

        The Gift of Fear is fantastic! The self-defense we used to teach (before stopping to make babies) used it a lot.

      2. PomoFrannyGlass +3

        Oh I LOVE Jackson’s short stories, and you’re so right about the season. Put We Have Always Lived in the Castle on your list, too, it’s wonderful.

        I just started Days of Abandonment by Elena Ferrante which I am INTO after only one subway ride. There’s something really mentally engaging about the style that I can’t quite articulate (yet).

      3. Zueignung +1

        I’ve seen “The Gift of Fear” recommended so many times, but I’m afraid to read it! I already constantly worry about getting raped, assaulted, and murdered. Will it just feed my paranoia?

    4. thedaela +14

      As a Kindle owner you can borrow public library books on Overdrive!
      https://www.overdrive.com/

      It depends on where you have your library card, but my library has almost everything in eBook format. My library queue is 100+ books long at the moment.

      (Note: This is NOT the same thing as the Amazon library. Local public libraries have way more.)

      1. longlostlullaby +2

        Can you access Overdrive from anywhere or just the US? I still have my Boston library card but I’m in Russia right now.

        1. Rianne +2

          It’s definitely not just the US, I use it with the Toronto library and it’s great.
          But Canada /= Russia in terms of internet access, I am sure. i just wanted to chime in with another ‘Yay overdrive!’ vote.

          1. longlostlullaby +1

            My wifi is pretty much as good as I’ve had in the US and UK, so that part should be fine. But there have been a few random sites that I haven’t been able to get here, like the Target website. Why do you hate Target, Russia? Capitalism is good now, remember?

            Anyway, I will check out Overdrive and see if it works for me here!

          2. Rianne +5

            overdrive.bpl.org

            different libraries all have different overdrive sites. But I was bored so I looked up boston’s.

        2. daisicles +2

          I accessed my Tennessee library’s Overdrive collection from England, so you ought to be fine.

      2. longlostlullaby +3

        I just placed holds on a bunch of books and recommended the BPL buy a digital copy of Texts from Jane Eyre and downloaded Queenpin by Megan Abbott, because the internet is MAGIC.

    5. jennyanydots +1

      Relatedly, the 2004 BBC miniseries adaptation is heartbreakingly good TV and a helpful way to ogle Richard Armitage like a boss. I know some ppl prefer the 1976 adaptation with Patrick Stewart, though, but I haven’t seen it yet. It’s sad that I’ve already seen it because I wish I could have watched it while eating better snacks and possibly with some whiskey and chocolate.

    6. beyonce pad thai +2

      YES I read North & South for the Billfold Book Club a couple weeks ago and then watched the miniseries and it was so great!

    7. Bryn (Plus Others) +4

      We loved our Kindle (and now we love our ipad) for reading the free Google books in PDF, especially since they scanned libraries so omnivorously that lots of REALLY WEIRD stuff is on there. Pulpy Victorian novels about the evils of Catholicism!

  12. stephanieho +5

    Chicago! Sorry I didn’t make the meetup last week, I was too hungover from Halloween: Wintry Mix edition. Email me if you want to hang out and stuff. (Passive aggressive brunch club is happening, even if I have to go alone) funfunfetti at gmail

    1. jenavira +1

      I am way the hell out in Naperville but I would go into the city for passive aggressive brunch club.

    2. deleted9457019 +1

      I missed it, too, breaking my personal rule about not traveling any farther than Grand Rapids for weddings not of immediate family! But I’ll make the next one.

      Oh, and the wedding was on Halloween and at the bride’s parents’ house, so once when we ran out of candy the bride went to the door to apologize to the kids, and they ended up sharing their candy with her (with an extra handful for the groom)!

    3. rkfire +4

      Oh my god, congratulations! That is truly tremendous and I hope you and Matt are celebrating! 😀

      1. jhsaxena +25

        I cannot say more about them yet but they are sure to be amazing. Almost as amazing as Texts from Jane Eyre.

        1. katiemcgillicuddy +43

          Jesus, you said like 3 days ago you were quitting your job to write and I thought, wow, that is great AND NOW YOU HAVE TWO BOOKS DEALS, YOU SORCERESS

    8. ct330 +1

      CONGRATULATIONS JAYA AHHHHHHHHHHH! Can you tell us a little bit about the books, or is it all Very Secret? I’M SO EXCITED FOR YOU!!!

    14. alicia +7

      People were just waiting to hear you say “I am a full-time writer, come at me with your paychecks open”.

  14. catoclock +38

    OKAY so I read the first half of An Untamed State yesterday (behind the times, I know), and I was sure I was going to have the worst nightmares, but instead I had a very pleasant, involved dream that Mallory coordinated my favorite local charity 5k and it was perfectly run and everyone got a gift bag full of high-end cosmetics for some reason. Thanks, brain!

    1. craneyourneck +3

      That is great. I couldn’t put that book down until I felt the protagonist was in a place I could leave her, you know?

      1. catoclock +2

        I started it on my lunch break, like an IDIOT, so I didn’t have a choice about whether to put it down, and then I was busy all evening so yeah I’m basically losing it over here.

    2. Either_Ada +5

      I got your nightmare, I think. I finished it last weekend and woke up in the middle of the night sobbing. I don’t remember what the dream was exactly, but I do know there were neat piles of glass shards somewhere in there. My love for Roxane Gay is infinite but that book hurt my heart all the way down.

  15. craftalchemy +9

    FALLEN LONDON THREAD

    So, this week I traded in all my Notability (which I guess in context means utterly ruining one’s reputation?) for … a penthouse suite at the Royal Bethlehem Hotel. I am on personal terms with the Manager. I do not know what he is going to do with the Impossible Theorem I gave him but I am kind of glad to have it out of the house.

    Thanks to all the Toasties who gave/heard confessions at Hallowmas! I am waiting eagerly to see what happens with all the Spirit of Hallowmas points I now have.

    1. winterbymorning +7

      I am currently training a society miss to pass as a low-class wench so that she can be a successful spy. We are pickpocketing with the urchins, which is fun. I think after this storyline I will return to working on my Shadowy so that I can meet the Ambitious Barrister’s requirements for A Person of Some Importance status, and then I’ll have to improve my Watchful. (Or sell a bunch of stuff so I can buy stat-boosting equipment and not have to grind so hard, but I hate selling my valuables because I have no clue how hard it might be to get it back if I need it later!)

      I finally got all the pieces of the Screaming Map, so I can go to Polythreme, and I’m also trying to increase my Archeologist skills so that I can lead an expedition to the Cave of the Nadir.

      I bought the Trade in Souls storyline, mostly so I can retrieve the Regretful Soldier’s wife’s soul because I am so tired of getting that card. (I’ll help you and your sad-eyed, soulless wife, but I will help you RESENTFULLY. I sold my soul, too, but you don’t see me whining about it.) But now I need 1000 souls to advance and I don’t know where to get them!

      1. craftalchemy +4

        Ladybones Road! If your Watchful is in the 50+ range, you should see the ‘Track Down a Spirifer’ option. Or you can buy them at the Bazaar but there’s no guarantee of quality.

      2. dorothyevertonsmythe +2

        I too am working on my A Person of Some Importance status and working towards defeating Chi Lan in a duel to the death. I lost so much glim trying to find pieces of the Screaming Map I had to take a break. Is Polythreme as wonderful as I hope it is?

        I’m HallucinoKim btw.

      3. ladyimogen +3

        I think there is also a good chance of finding lots of souls in the thieve’s cache expedition in the Forgotten Quarter (but no guarantees).

      4. Bunburying +4

        If you have Criminal connections of 10+ you can draw an opportunity card with a shady priest who can direct you to a stash of 250 souls. Damn it feels good to be a soul gangster.

      5. wallofillusion +4

        Do you have Flit access? I am robbing the Brass Embassy a few times a week and it’s great. 500 souls a pop.

    2. CaptainNancy +2

      My week has been rather meh. I’ve now opened up routes to the Forbidden Quarter and Shuttered Palace, but my stats are too low to really DO ANYTHING, so I’ve been spending time in Spite and Veilgarden getting Shadowey-er and more Persuasive.

      I just wanna go on expeditions dammit!

      1. aqueousmedium +5

        I went on my first expedition too and am srsly bitten by the expedition bug. I also finally opened up a route to the Flit and lost many, many rats on a string in an attempt to progress with my Ambition, so I think I need to stop and improve my Persuasive before trying again.

        Does anyone play Knife-and- Candle? Is it fun? It seems like stabbing people would be fun.

        (Theoretta Rizing, will gladly accept invitations of all kinds).

        1. CaptainNancy +3

          Oooh, I got my first token to the Knife and Candle matches. BUT if you have 0 tokens, you get kicked out, you always have to have some up your sleeve. So I guess I’m waiting ’till I get some more, and then I’ll get my stabbing practise in for reals.

        2. Bunburying +11

          NOBODY PLAYS KNIFE-AND-CANDLE. KNIFE-AND-CANDLE IS STRICTLY ILLEGAL.

          However, if you would care to join my completely unrelated club, “Stab-n-Wax-Grab,” I would be delighted to send you a token. You need Dangerous 50 to receive it.

          1. aqueousmedium +3

            I’m currently Dangerous 48 but am on a tear with the illegal fighting rings and Donating My Body to Science etc so I expect to hit 50 fairly soon. Will invite you to spar when I do, so if you still have completely legal tokens unrelated to Knife-and-Candle then, feel free to send one my way, thanks!

          3. Bunburying +1

            I *think* you should be able to accept it if you can boost yourself to 50 with stat gear, but if you’re not quite there yet then yeah just wait until 50 to accept it!

    3. mittensblum +3

      I just joined! Everyone tell me who you are so I can widen my circle and maybe stop running around on the same sub-20 endeavors. My username is corialis.

      5. viviennestreet +1

        I just sent you a request, but I’m Vivian Street if anyone wants to send me a calling card!

    4. octopoda +2

      I just started playing this last week and am hooked. (I am Octopoda there as well if anyone wants to add me, I already have one Toast friend there :). Just working on building up my shadowy and watchful. Making friends with devils and criminal elements.

    5. wallofillusion +4

      Royal Bethlehem neighbors!! *fistbump*

      So far I have had my confessions betrayed by three people. They’re getting rats, the lot of them.

      Also I have four Parabolan Kittens up for grabs; any takers?

      3. onehundredthjen +1

        Yes please and thank you! I’m Grover Boniface!

        Eta that any/all toastie acquaintances are more than welcome

    6. CaptainNancy +4

      Also, does anyone know anything about attracting a Patron? How do you get one? What do they do?

    7. winterbymorning +1

      Forgot to mention that I am Vipsania Beauregard there and am always happy to have new Toastie acquaintances!

    8. Bunburying +11

      So a while back a random non-Toast dude sent me a calling card and proceeded to stab me a whole bunch, send me a bag of dead rats, and then ask me to start dating him. Seriously, our only interactions had been violence and rats and then he sent me that thing that kicks the “dating” actions off, with no added text or anything. I was like ??? and then I politely declined.

      So he asked me for a Hallowmas confession and like a chump I gave him one, and go figure, he EXPOSED it. Without asking for permission or anything.

      Now I am going to send him a box of live killer rats with a note that says “MISANDRY CALLING” and kick him off my acquaintance list.

        1. Bunburying +1

          A deeply confused iteration of Jack-o-Smiles, maybe? If you remind me of your FL name I will send you a letter with his!

      3. spring chickens +1

        ooh that is the perfect excuse for betrayal/vengeance, all those options just sitting there mostly unused (at least by me — apparently not this dude). Why don’t you poison his wounds too! Maybe you can do it after you send the killer rats, as a faux apology gesture.

      1. onehundredthjen +3

        On the topic of other failbetter games, is anyone else playing the early release of Sunless Sea? It’s a very different sort of gameplay to Fallen London, but I love it. I love it a lot and I wish I were playing it right now.

        1. BourneApprox +6

          It is on my Steam wishlist for when it’s finally out of Early Access. Glad to hear that it’s good – I veeeery much like what I’ve heard about it so far. *Hungrily thinks about eating her crew.*

    10. ladyimogen +5

      I got a Destiny, which was quite thrilling, and also came to the realization that I keep stabbing the same person in a shameful spate of forgetfulness.

        1. ladyimogen +5

          Ha! Knowing that because it was a toast-friend the stabee was inevitably wonderful and gracious made me even more ashamed! Please, stab me back so I can feel like a good person again!

          1. Bunburying +3

            Come now, would I have joined the Stab-n-Wax-Grab Club if I couldn’t take a few Stab-n-Wax-Grabbings??

    11. katenepveu +1

      Delicious Toasties,

      If I (an_ocelot) confessed to you and you need the possibility of Connected: Masters or the other benefits of betraying confessions, feel free. I can weather the Scandal and Making Waves drop. (I’d rather you didn’t just for kicks, but if you need to, it’s okay. Honest.)

    12. grumblyqueer +1

      I am pretty new and just dumped a Starving Artist’s Model. I go by grumblyqueer there, too, because I am also unoriginal.

    13. craftalchemy +1

      ALSO: I am out of Acquaintance slots (sadface) but I have been back through this thread and added everyone I didn’t know as regular contacts, so I am available for social actions that don’t require Acquainted. Feel free to add me – Mnemosyne Lane.

      1. dyingofthatroar +1

        I’m coming in late to say – I had no idea there was Fallen-London Toasties! I will add you all as contacts, I’m BaronBenas in FLondon. I am a mid-80s player, working mostly this month in the University and the Forgotten Quarter, and sorta looking for a patron. I’m available for social actions, so ask me any time for menace reduction, etc.

  16. bocadelperro +22

    In the last eighteen hours, my life feels like it has exploded.

    1. My publisher rejected my book manuscript, despite months of lovey-dovieness from them. I got the email at 4pm yesterday, as these things often happen.

    2. My father just wound up in the ER because of a drug interaction and bronchitis. Like most doctors, he doesn’t listen to anybody else’s medical observations, and so my mother had to take away his keys (yes he tried to drive to work today, although he is delirious and covered in hives), and force him to go to urgent care, because he wouldn’t go to the hospital. Of course they took one look at him at urgent care and sent him on to be admitted.

    3. Mr. Delperro has to travel, again. Since july, he’s basically been working two jobs (for one salary, mind you), one of which is on the other end of the country. For some reason the large corporation that he works for seems to think it’s better to fly him around the country than to hire somebody else to do one of these jobs.
    So! In order to combat my bad mood, please post happy gifs here. I’ll get us started.

        1. CleverManka +7

          It’s from 22 Jump Street. I love the Jump Street movies. No apologies, no regrets. They’re JUST SO GOOD. I have an entire Tumblr collection called Reasons to Watch 21 Jump Street, and the sequel was just as good.

          Okay, I have NO CLUE why the HTML isn’t working, so here’s the URL for that Tumblr collection:
          http://clevermanka.tumblr.com/tagged/reasons+to+w…

          1. bocadelperro +1

            Oh wow I had no idea that 21 Jump Street had been remade. Gonna track these down, thanks!

          2. CleverManka +4

            Okay, well don’t go into it expecting a remake of the show! They just sorta…reference the show? It’s definitely a comedy, through and through.

          3. bocadelperro +4

            no I am totally checking this out. Thank you thank you thank you!
            (Also I am cutting out of here early and going to buy the damn Frye boots I’ve been lusting after, soo…)

          4. CleverManka +4

            22 Jump Street comes out on DVD November 18, so you can watch the first one now and then you’ve only got to wait a little while for the sequel.

            OMG 21 Jump Street for the first time and Frye boots? SO JELIS.

          7. SarcasticFringehead +7

            Channing Tatum seems like one of those total lovable doofuses who talks like a frat boy but is actually genuinely sweet and I really just want to hang out with him for, like, a weekend (plus also he can dance real purty)

          8. CleverManka +5

            I would party with him SO HARD. He can bring his wife, too, because honestly, she’s gotta be hilarious and awesome to be married to him.

          9. annesedney +1

            I saw 21 Jump Street and I really wanted to love it but I was not super impressed with the movie’s treatment of women… Should I watch 22?

          10. CleverManka +3

            I think if you’re looking for a movie with quality treatment of anyone (including white men), these are not the movies for you.

        1. bocadelperro +1

          I have. It makes me so happy! I told Mr. Delperro that I wanted one. He said “I need an RC car and a beanie baby, and I can make that happen.”

    1. bocadelperro +3

      These days I stay away from slate except to read Dear Prudence, so I would have missed this. This was a great read. Thanks for sharing.

    2. alicia +4

      Maybe Jamelle can get hired by Buzzfeed and hang out with all the other cool kids. For $$$. Fingers crossed.

  18. paddlepickle +17

    Gilmore Girls update: Is it bad that I kind of didn’t want Rory to get into Harvard? Also, I hate Jess. And Dean. All the men except Dave Rogowski. (Please refrain from spoiling anything beyond the episode where she gets in on this thread).

    Also I have like a million squashes from my CSA this summer so I’m thinking of making a fuckton of Pumpkin Butter and freezing it until Christmas and giving it as gifts in cute little jars. This would be the most planned-ahead and crafty gift I have EVER DONE.

    1. ppyajunebug +15

      It is not bad. I love the show and I wish she hadn’t gotten in. ANYTHING TO MAKE HER NOT A PERFECT SNOWFLAKE.

      Dave is perfection and the greatest addition to Season 3

      1. paddlepickle +25

        That and also Paris actually DID deserve it more. I know Lorelai wasn’t as equipped to help her get in as other parents, but she really didn’t think about extracurriculars until her Junior year? It’s your #1 goal in life to go to Harvard and at no point do you look up what you need to do to get in? And her single-minded focus on Harvard when she hadn’t even visited there most of her life is really juvenile. . .not to mention how Lorelai flips out when she, yknow, applied to more than one school like a sane person.

        Also I should clarify my original statement, I hate all the men that Rory dates. I am deeply infatuated with Luke.

        1. ppyajunebug +13

          100% agreed on the Paris front. I wonder if ASP just Doesn’t Understand college admissions or what.

          LUKE THO. Luke is amazing and you are correct to be deeply infatuated with him.

          1. paddlepickle +7

            He looks like Bruce Springsteen, but somehow buffer. Although at this point I kinda don’t want them to get together because it’s like “OK if you two are really this incapable of communicating to the extent that you can’t have any kind of direct conversation about whether you like each other, this shit ain’t gonna work. Please date me instead, fictional mancandy”

        2. raqueue +6

          As the seasons go on, I fast-forward and start only watching scenes with Emily or Luke in them. It makes seasons 6 and 7 a whole lot better.

          1. rhymeswitheight +3

            I just washed 6 and 7 this month on Netflix, having only seen a few episodes here and there on TV before. It is mind bogglingly worse than the rest of the series.

          2. raqueue +3

            Thankful, it’s so easy to skip scenes with Netflix. Just skip all scenes with: Lane, Zak, Christopher,  Jackson, Logan, and Richard, and you get a much better show.

          3. rhymeswitheight +3

            The Lane storyline PAINS ME. And ugh CHRISTOPHER. CHRISTOPHER. Were we meant to enjoy that stupid godawful plotline in season 7? Because I was just waiting for it to END.

            (ack and meant watched, not washed in previous comment. my disappointment in GG impacts typing ability)

          4. raqueue +6

            Christopher was always at his best in earlier seasons when people would ask “Where’s Christopher at this [insert incredibly important moment in Rory’s life here]?” and Lorelai would be “Oh, he couldn’t make it”

            And then he started being a presence in Season 7 and it was the worse. Like, Rory’s graduation from Yale?

          5. paddlepickle +10

            Oh god I don’t want spoilers but this is making me panic that Jackson becomes less loveable. All I want in life is a weird beardy dude to throw vegetables at, ya know?

            Sidenote, another reason I love this show is it’s the only time I’ve seen Melissa McCarthy cast as a regular lovely person with a regular romantic life and not a goofy fat sidekick.

      2. seapartridge +14

        UGH I totally agree. I would love for her only to have gotten into Princeton (ONLY, I say. Ugh) or somewhere else she wasn’t into. I would loved for her to get in nowhere (because she only applied to three Ivy League schools — who does that?!) and have to spend a year at community college. The fact that no one in the entire series was like “Um, maybe you shouldn’t place your entire future on getting into schools that have like 5% acceptance rates..?” is ridiculous.

        1. tekkah +9

          That would have made for some fantastic television, and probably made Rory more likeable in the meantime. Her “spoiled kid gets everything she wants in life” trajectory gets old.

    2. lilsebastian01 +19

      All men except Dave are pointless. Definitely on the show; possibly outside of it as well.

    3. rhymeswitheight +18

      The Ivy League worship on that show drove me bonkers. And you 100% right, Dave is the only worthwhile boyfriend (except Luke, but even he had his….moments).

      1. msjinxie +3

        Luke is a great, GREAT friend to have…but maybe not the best boyfriend, as much as I loved and still love-present-tense him.

    5. notebook-keeper +8

      That’s exactly when I quit watching Gilmore Girls in high school! I was a Rory/Paris type and did not get into my Ivy League dream school and Rory got into ALL of them and I was so mad at her/the show! (In hindsight I think I would have hated it and am glad I didn’t get in)

  19. winterbymorning +20

    I have no clue what to get for my parents because

    1) It has to be something very portable because they live in Switzerland so I’ll be bringing it with me when I go visit next month

    2) We don’t know yet how much longer they’ll be there but it’s safe to assume it’s only 3 more years, since my dad will be eligible to retire by then and they’ll probably go back to Montreal. So I need something that won’t be a massive pain in the neck for them to bring back (or to get rid of if they choose to do that instead).

    Any ideas?

    Also, can I tell you HOW EXCITED I AM FOR CHRISTMAS IN SWITZERLAND. Quaint little cobblestoned town squares all covered in snow! Christmas markets! Maybe some skiing! ALL THE CHEESE AND SAUSAGE. We’re leaving on December 19th, flying to Paris (because it was cheaper, but also BONUS AFTERNOON IN PARIS) and continuing to Zurich by train, coming back on the 28th. I CAN’T WAIT.

    1. constancecg +2

      I had this a couple of years ago! My parents were in Rome for Christmas and I went up to visit them. I bought my mom a necklace (took up very little space) and my dad a copy of the latest Bob Dylan CD, which he promptly lost (#dads). Jewelry is generally pretty portable, or you could go the nice pen route.

      Yay Christmas in Switzerland!

    2. CaptainNancy +4

      Duty free/fancy booze? Or something that is ridiculously expensive in Switzerland? (As far as I remember, everything is ridiculously expensive in Switzerland)

    3. lemonadefish +6

      My parents still seem to be excited when I make them things. Mostly I sew presents, since I made everybody buy me a sewing machine for Christmas several years ago, so things like little pouches, a camera case, a guitar strap, some festive holiday garland…

    5. laureleye +2

      I can usually get jewelry for my mother, but my dad is very hard to get gifts for in general, there just isn’t a lot of material stuff he wants. These might be a bit specific to my circumstances/parents, but one year I made a video of me showing off some of my favorites things about where I live (a city they’d never been to at the time), and they seemed to really enjoy it. And my dad used to read a ton, but he spent the last 10 or so years of his career too busy/tired to read much, so when he retired I made him a big list of book recommendations plus a paperback to get started. Not so much objects as gifts of my time and attention, which can otherwise be hard to give when we live far away.

      Is there some kind of fancy food thing you could bring them, that wouldn’t be available in Switzerland? I’ve also gotten my parents things like really nice cheese and chocolates from famous local places where I live.

    6. cuminafterall +2

      I always get my parents a date-y thing (gift certificate to a nice restaurant/performing arts venue) or books. Although books have been tricky since they got on the e-reader train. Other ideas: small leather goods? a nice selection of teas? a small painting (by you or from a gallery)?

    8. Beakses +1

      I am strongly considering LED headlamps for the dads this year. Really good gloves can be a nice gift, and if your parents are anything like me they’ve lost one of the sides of their favorite pair and could use new ones. Schmancy cashmere or other material throws- something that’s warm while being relatively thin/ packable.

    9. spring chickens +1

      tickets to some fabulous concert? membership to a museum? a trip to the amazing thermal spa designed by Peter Zumthor? (i myself am totally lusting after a trip to that last one)

    10. theskyrbeast +3

      I am super, super late to this thread, but: English-language books are pricey and not plentiful in Switzerland. Especially things that are primarily being published in North America (i.e. not in the UK market). So, if your parents are bookish folk, they might love that

      Also Switzerland is THE BEST. Go to ALL the Christmas markets! Drink glühwein! Enjoy the A+ public transportation!

    11. Miss B

      Not a legit gift, but I will say that my friends in Switzerland and also in Paris always ask me to bring them American-strength aluminum foil and/or ziploc bags with me when I visit them. (It is true that Euro aluminum foil is basically as flimsy and useless as tissue paper.) ((It amuses me a great deal any time I do this.)) Also, if they smoke, I know that cigarettes are crazy expensive in Switzerland particularly, and my one occasional-smoker friend over there always asks me to pick up a carton of his favorites from the Duty Free from the airport when I arrive.

  20. friendofdaja +9

    This is a pretty long shot, but are there are any Japanese-studying Toasties? Who are taking the JLPT in Columbus, OH?
    Even if you’re not taking the JLPT, come commiserate with me about how you will never remember all the kanji, and even though you totally knew Japanese at some point in your life, you will inevedably forget how to write things like “house” and “weather”.

    On the gift front, I’m buying my 18-year-old brother a nice shaving kit, in the hopes that “No Shave November” will not become A Thing for him.

    1. Räven +4

      Kanji are hard! Honestly I don’t find that languages are harder to learn as I get older, but characters are. Maybe because as a grownup it’s harder to just sit down for an entire desperate hour at a time to study them like when I was in school, maybe because my college admissions and/or personal pride no longer ride on a test score and Defeating my Classmates, but neither in short-term nor in long-term memory can I pile them up the way I thought I’d be able to.

    2. octopoda +5

      I studied Japanese in college (and have promptly forgetten most of it due to disuse). I can at least commiserate with you on all the memorization! I can still read hiragana / katakana though (mostly).

    3. lemonadefish +4

      I can only remember maybe 1/3 of the kana, forget any kanji. Of course I studied Japanese in the early 90s, so there’s that. Good luck on your test! If it makes you feel better, I don’t think your average actual Japanese person remembers *all* the kanji.

    4. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

      We studied Japanese in the semi-distant past and wow yes the kanji would stay in our brain for a few weeks and then just slide right out again. Somehow hiragana stuck for good, and a few kanji, but not much else.

    6. notedfatberg +1

      I am breaking my Toastie lurkdom to reply: yes, I am taking the JLPT – N3 this year, after scraping through N4 last year. (Not in Columbus though, in Australia). I feel you on the kanji, although my personal bugbear is grammar. I am just so bad at it. Commiserations!

  21. Girl Named Jack +11

    So excited – starting a new D&D campaign tonight! Still playing 3.5 – this group is too invested to even dream of switching to 5 right now. Which is a shame – I’d love to try it out.

    Anyway, I’m throwing my normal ABD* philosophy out the window and playing a warlock. We’re doing an evil campaign and frankly, I don’t have a lot of time to prep the build, so halfling warlock it is!

    What are your favorite character builds, Toasticles?

    *Always Be Druid

    1. ramina +10

      The one time I ever played, I played as a Halfling bard and forgot to show up to like one meeting (they were sunday afternoons in the student center at school and I went home) and the next week I showed up and they told me they’d turned my character into an astral projection.

      2. GoatseFanfic +1

        First game ever, twenty minutes writing up a kobold sorcerer with crap stats, started game in a graveyard full of skeletons while the entire rest of the party was off at a pub across town, lasted four turns by scrambling up a tree. Last game ever!

    2. craftalchemy +3

      Ahh! Our group had a halfling warlock up until like a month ago, when there was a reincarnation incident and now we have a transgender dwarf warlock. S/he seems to be coping well (character still figuring out what to do with the pronoun situation.)

      I like to spread my classes around. Recently, though, I’ve had a run of rogues because it’s just so fun to do everything. My current one is a Lawful Evil pirate (we’re doing the Savage Tide campaign).

    3. CleverManka +6

      One of my favorite things to do, back in the day, was find NPC classes in Dragon magazine (I loved Bandits GOD I LOVED BANDITS) and then beg my DM to let me play them as PCs. I was young and pretty and he was male and nerdy.

      1. Girl Named Jack +3

        Oh god I never thought of that! I have a whole stack of old Dragons sitting around somewhere. I might have to go through them. Although I DID cut out most of the good art to hang in my locker when I was in junior high, so that might not work.

    4. elsajeni +6

      My preferred character build is anything that lets me have a humongous two-handed weapon and does not require me to remember too many special abilities. Right now this is taking the form of TIEFLING BARBARIAN, but I have previously had a lot of fun as a paladin, too.

        1. elsajeni +4

          Yes! I love ’em! (And they’re easier to play as PCs in 5e than they used to be, since they’re one of the core races now!) I am playing a surprisingly well-adjusted tiefling, because she’s from a very isolated culture where tiefling…osity is known to run in the family lines of certain historic kings and so is basically just regarded as “a thing that happens sometimes, sometimes babies come out all red and horned and tail-having and shit, who knows why, probably a sign of the gods’ favor or something.” I assume this is going to collapse horribly now that she’s left the steppes to go adventuring and will be coming into contact with more outsiders, but we’ll see.

      2. ChloeKEvil +3

        Humongous two-handed weapons are what I prefer as well. I really loved playing a paladin! She killed a LOT of people that maybe she shouldn’t have. My DM ended up making me take Grey Guard as a prestige class so that I could continue paladining.

        1. elsajeni +3

          I was aiming toward Grey Guard! Didn’t end up getting there before the campaign ended, but that was my plan. (I was clear right from the start that I was not a Mercy Of The Lord kind of paladin. I was a Justice Of The Lord kind of paladin. “Lawful good”: not the same as “lawful nice.”)

          1. ChloeKEvil +2

            Nina wasn’t nice most of the time, but she was certainly effective- until the party ran into trouble with cursed swords that ended up with three party members dead, one horrified by his actions and taking up Nina’s bigass sword in remorse, and one fleeing for the hills. Whups.

    5. evieskye +2

      I have been a druid once–it was a halfling druid who was kind of a stoner/valley girl.
      Mostly I prefer ranger & rogue & once was an amazing Aventi dervish.

      A friend and I were reminiscing about our first D&D characters the other day. Mine was Naya, the half-elf ranger, who was a strong, silent bodyguard to a princess-in-disguise, and had an eagle (named Arren). Who/what was your first?

      1. craftalchemy +3

        Very first was an elven wizard who only lasted one session (then the game folded). The one I think of as my first was Ksenya, the fantasy!Russian ranger/riflewoman – we were using Privateer Press’ Iron Kingdoms setting – who fell through a rift from an alternate universe and was BFFs with our tank, Garrett, who was pretty much a literal tank through being a nine-foot-tall steam-powered war-mech.

    6. coloredlights +4

      I was a pixie psion once (in 4.0) and it was probably my favorite so far. Tiny flying creature who kills/explodes/moves things with her brain! I also ended up with a pet alligator because the DM forgot I could talk to animals and I convinced the rogue to free it from its cage and then it followed me for the rest of the campaign.

      Currently about to start a Pathfinder campaign as a gnome magus and am sort of regretting my choices. We’ll see how it goes.

    7. ChloeKEvil +3

      The first D&D character I played was an eladrin warlock! That was 4E though. I had a great time with him, he was… uh, unique. And believed he was the dark herald of the end times. Whether he was or not was up for debate.

      I’m probably not that great at designing characters to be THE BEST. Mostly my characters end up being playable? Right now for D&Dish campaigns I’m playing a neutral evil changeling druid who is dealing with his own internalized racism and only has one friend and a chaotic neutral elven rogue who has a checkered past as a con man and a price on his head in most major cities. I’m enjoying playing the rogue more because I hate dealing with spell-casting all the time.

      I also built a dwarven ranger who is a sewer worker that specializes in killing oozes and vermin and has a charisma score of 5 and I don’t even know if she’s playable. I’m excited to try, though.

    8. projectbeks +4

      My favorite was a gnome herbalist. She ended up with a proficiency for sleeping with everyone, making drugs, and had a giant dog who she hung out with who could maraud through the undead like nobody’s business.
      I have also played a space-y version of D&D where I was an anthropomorphic Space Fox rogue. That was also fun.
      In general I like to try new things. Obviously.

    9. JMo +1

      Yayyyyyy D&D! 3.5 is best.5!
      I haven’t actually paid any attention to 5th ed. after the trauma of 4th, but someone told me it’s a lot more like 3.5. Is that true?

      Best character I ever played was a half-elf druid with a bear familiar. We got up to all sorts of hijinks and now I’m getting nostalgic.

    10. threatqualitypress +2

      My favorite character has was Thak, the Half-Orc Monk (also called Thak Spleeneater and Thak the Placid). As a monk, the half-orc’s natural bonuses to strength and constitution were a huge benefit, and he was not harmed by the half-orc’s lower intelligence (since monks use wisdom, instead).

      He was great! He had an iron staff and, because he was a buddhist monk, he often disrupted adventures by trying to peacefully talk to all of our enemies first, and also insisting on burying any corpses that remained if that didn’t work.

  22. 1sic1 +41

    Crafty thread! What have you been working on lately?

    I’ve been having fun with washi tape and making dangly ‘feather’ earrings:

    And cutting out city maps out of paper (this is Paris, I just need to figure out what to do about the Bois de Boulogne):

    4. CleverManka +3

      I just joined Pinterest and am now looking up all the ways to alter sweaters. Gods help me.

    5. elsamac +12

      Niiiiiice. I’ve never done much with washi tape myself, but a few years ago, I gave my (grown-up) niece a collection of different patterns for Christmas, and when she raised a gentle eyebrow, I said “It’s the new put a bird on it” and we nodded sagely together to the perplexion (is that a word IT IS NOW) of our family and I guess this is just a comment in which I ramble about how much I love my niece ooops.

    6. seapartridge +3

      I’m glad someone started a craft thread, because I have nothing to share this week but wanted to see hwat you all are making! (those earrings are FAB and man, that cut out map is so intricate!)

    7. rhymeswitheight +2

      The map is so pretty!!
      How is washi tape different from other tapes? I’ve been thinking it was just patterned/colored duct tape.

      I made some origami things last weekend. It was very soothly even though I’m kinda bad at it.

      1. lemonadefish +1

        It’s made of washi paper (which is strong and made from mulberry bark) so much much closer to masking tape than to duct tape. Some of your, like, Scotch brand washis are probably not actually made of washi.

    11. beyonce pad thai +2

      Those are so cute! I bought some washi tape from HEMA but I haven’t used it yet.

      I want to make some crafty holiday gifts but I don’t know what yet. I might give infused vodka a try, it looks easy yet fancy enough?

        1. theowlofderision +1

          I visited Rotterdam a few months ago, and fell in love with HEMA. ALL the snacks, ALL the stationery, ALL the random gadgets.

    13. PonyAlong +5

      That map is AMAZEBALLS (okay, even the iPad was into the map because it loaded that word, capitalized and everything, automatically).

    14. laureleye +8

      those maps!!

      Lately all I want to do is curl up with a mug of tea and watch tv and knit things. Currently, a scarf:

      But I also found a chart for an adorable squirrel pattern, so I’m planning to make fingerless mitts with squirrels on them for my boyfriend’s mother for Christmas, she loves squirrels. Here you can see an example of the finished squirrels.

    15. themegnapkin +10

      I’m making a floor-length dress out of gorgeous slinky navy blue fabric with coral brontosauruses on it.

      Last week on Halloween I wore a dress I had made out of a Michael Miller print of black fabric with white scarab beetles arranged as polka dots.

    16. SarcasticFringehead +5

      I have a bunch of centerpieces from my wedding around my apartment because I like the pops of color, but since I’m not actually married anymore, I’ve been working on making cloth flowers to replace them. I’ve made at least a hundred and it is taking forever, but I’m almost done making them & I should be able to start arranging them this weekend yay!

      1. naglayaxuliganka +1

        Cloth flowers are so fun! I’ve been making them into wreaths, and I have about a million times more flowers than I have space for them on said wreaths. My husband had to tell me to put the glue gun down and stop adding them on, because you know, less is more, but they’re so fun to make and what am I going to do with them all??

    17. katenepveu +3

      Those are amazing.

      I am working on a cross-stitch bookmark that I really like but that my crappy phone’s camera entirely fails to pick up the colors on, so I’ll wait on a picture until it’s done, but I’m a complete convert to stitching in the hand now and will be seeing if I can wrangle my long-stalled large WIP that way.

  23. elsajeni +18

    I went through with my shorter haircut! And I think I’m getting the hang of fixing it the way I want! Here is a picture from this morning, in which my hair looks great but I look kind of weird (which is why I’m not embedding it).

    2. CleverManka +3

      That. Is. Amazing. Brilliant. Fantastic. YOU LOOK SO GOOD.

      I’m not using a gif here because there is no gif good enough. Seriously. LOVE IT. So so so happy for you and hoping you love it, too!

    3. elsamac +2

      STYLIN’. How does it feel? I always feel so great when I get a short cut, which OOPS is the opposite of what I’m doing now, so you might have shifted my next haircut plan.

  24. elsamac +15

    Last night, I had a Toastie dream: a bunch of us were in a dream version of Disney’s Haunted Mansion, bouncing around on rides and encountering actual ghosts. (I have zero notion of what the actual Haunted Mansion is like; this was like a tame Supernatural episode with bumper cars.) The gift shop was a collection of antiques, and figgie proved particularly gifted at IDing the provenance of the goods on offer there. It was all very festive.

  25. Steph +5

    Toasties, I need some help! I am compiling a list of historical women who did physics and/or astronomy, and cannot for the life of me find any non-Western women from earlier than 1850s ish. Clearly there must’ve been some women who fit that description — do any of you know of any? Or have an ideas of where to look for them?

    1. Räven +4

      Does Hypatia of Alexandria count, or is she too west? Mariam Al-Astrolabiya Al-Ijliya, and Wang Zhenyi in China, that’s all I’ve got offhand.

      1. Steph +2

        I already have Hypatia and Wang Zhenyi on the list, but I’d never heard of Al-Ijliya! Thank you!

    2. CleverManka +1

      Do Hypatia and Aglaonike count as Western? Probably, yeah…I remember something about an Egyptian woman doing something with astronomy from a Cosmos episode, but a quick Google search didn’t bring up anything.

  26. paddlepickle +11

    OH ALSO. I spent this week reading Brene Brown’s “The Gift of Imperfection” simultaneously with Amy Poehler’s Yes Please, and I want to spend the rest of my life reading books by funny and wise middle-aged women who tell me I’m gonna be OK. Recommendations?

    1. thecaitd +3

      Well I would certainly recommend reading more Brene Brown. Always. Daring Greatly is so, so excellent.

  27. anninyn +28

    FRIDAY CAT THREAD

    Now the weather is cold, I keep waking up with a cat on my chest, or under the quilt with me.

    Plus when I’m on the sofa with a lap blanket on they crawl underneath and snore.

    I’m knitting Bonny a blanket. They already have one blanket, but Anne appears to have co-opted it, so I’m going to see if I can make Bonny one.

    1. bocadelperro +18

      This is Mr. Delperro and his cat, who doesn’t seem to mind that he’s furniture.
      I took this last night, and my first thought was “OMG tomorrow is friday cat thread.”

    2. citizenchristy +8

      I don’t have a picture of it happening, but one day this week, Mr. Citizen woke up with our 20-pound orange cat, Garrus, sitting on his chest, biting his arm. He was trying to kill him in multiple ways.

    3. MilesofMountain +34

      I am working for home this week. Moxie is loving it. Most of the week he’s been so well-behaved, sleeping on the cat tree next to my chair and just hanging out. Today, he has become a monster. He keeps getting up to walk on my keyboard, he put his feet in my coffee, in the middle of a phone meeting he decided I wasn’t allowed to have pens on my desk and started scattering them on the floor and batting them around. I locked him out for a while after that and he is now being good, but I don’t know when the monster will be back. The monster looks like this, BTW:

    5. elsajeni +11

      Bella has moved to her winter sleeping position, which is “on my head.” It’s sweet, but on the other hand sometimes I would like to sleep through the night without anyone putting their paw in my ear.

      1. catoclock +10

        Yep, mine does the same thing, except she also has some chronic nasal issues so sometimes I also get enormous cat boogers sneezed onto my face in the night.

    6. evieskye +16

      Here is the Kismet having her breakfast this morning. Note that she leaves her beloved blue mouse-toy next to the bowl. (Her pink one is lost is somewhere. Usually she moves them both together which is adorable. Until I roll over onto them in the middle of the night because she’s brought them into the bed and hid them in the sheets)

      1. shombalor +14

        Is this the place where I can tell people this? My cat Flan caught his first mouse last night! Except instead of killing it immediately he thought it was great fun to capture it, let it go, and chase it again. For hours. I was too scared to try to capture it so I decided to let nature take its course, and after a long long time and many squeaks and pounces in the night, he delivered it to me at the foot of my bed around 4 in the morning. I did not get much sleep, ha. Does anyone else’s cat do this prolonged game thing? How are your kitties at hunting?

        2. anninyn +1

          My cats are the worst at hunting. They’ve had 2 fledgling birds – ie, not fast enough to fly away – and a baby mouse in two years.

        3. Es_Petal +4

          Mine are indoor cats but that is pretty much what they do, especially when they’re learning – their mother would bring kittens an injured thing to practise on. Unless they are actively hungry and hunting because they need to eat right now, it’s pretty common for them to play with what they catch.

        4. MilesofMountain +2

          Mine only goes outside with supervision but the couple of times he’s caught something I think he’d have played for hours if we hadn’t stopped him. I once had to pull him off a crow he had caught. He had gotten it to the ground and it was hopping madly back and forth across the yard trying to get enough space to take off. Moxie was running behind it on three legs, using the forth to smack it around. The poor crow was exhausted. He stood there panting for several minutes after I put the cat back inside.

        5. CleverManka +12

          Congratulations, Flan, on his first mouse!

          My kitty was aces at hunting. She had only one opportunity in her lifetime to catch a mouse, but she did a damned efficient job of it, and her bug/spider hunting skills were amazing.

          She’s no longer with us, but here’s an old picture of her, indulging in her favorite pastime:

        6. tubatoothpaste +8

          My cat half-assedly “hunts” insects (indoors). One time she had something cornered, batted at it a few times, then just looked up at me with a confused look on her face, like “what do I do now?”

          1. BourneApprox +10

            One of our cats will see a spider on the wall, and then start yowling until one of us comes over, picks him up, and raises him so he can take a swat at the spider. Lazy lil’ bastard.

        7. newglasses +4

          Depends on the cat. Most of my ex-ferals do not play with prey, they are grimly efficient and line up the mice in a neat little row next to the basement door–apparently offering them for the larder, ha!

          The young cat that was raised in a shelter did not know how to hunt mice at all and would toy with them until one of the boys would step in and finish it off, quickly. Interestingly, the two big ex-feral boycats took it upon themselves to teach her to hunt, and there was some uncomfortable toying, but as she learned, she has gotten more efficient herself.

          I think it depends on when they learned to hunt, how hungry they’ve been, how hungry they are now. I know that any ex-feral I’ve ever had was always very aware of food and where it comes from, in ways my tamer housecats are not, so I don’t think they ever forget being hungry–

          1. Es_Petal +4

            My mum has an ex-street-cat, and she is very efficient and has not forgotten being hungry. My fat lazy bastards have never had to lift a paw for themselves.

        8. mandarinmarie +1

          Good job Flan! My guys are more or less indoor but they are ferocious bug fighters. They don’t care about ants, but a cricket cannot last two seconds in this house (WHICH I AM SO HAPPY ABOUT BTW). One of them will eat the bugs he kills but the others usually just bat them around.

    7. robotneedslove +7

      Apparently last night at 2:30 am my 20 lb cat climbed onto my chest and began vigorously washing himself, after climbing my partner like a mountain range, and waking him up. I don’t know this for certain because I didn’t wake up which seems impossible.

    8. projectbeks +14

      Here is a kitty (not my kitty), who I am rather fond of. She glares at me when I sit down on the couch, but then she comes over for scritches, so we’re cool. Her name is Tiki.

      ETA – DEAR GOD IT’S HUGE. SORRY.

      1. BourneApprox +10

        Aaaah I love cats with those kind of markings. So pretty!

        Actually, the size gives an accurate depiction of what it’s like to have a cat glare directly into your face. ^_^

    9. mandarinmarie +17

      Here’s the kitten of my house, Kona. She’s in the Kit Nip Box, which is a monthly subscription box for cats. We love it, my husband and I make a whole thing about opening it and we hide all of the catnip toys on a high shelf for like a week before we open it so the cats get FUCKED UP and go crazy.

    10. danceintrees +9

      This is my best friend’s kitty Kona, who I loved lots and always took care of when Friend was out of town. We had to euthanize her on Wednesday, sadly. She’d had cancer for a while and finally pneumonia, and then it was all over very quickly, but unfortunately she was already in a coma by the time we could get to the pet hospital where she was staying, so we didn’t really get to say goodbye to her properly. She was so sweet and liked to sleep on my chest and would pet you to get you to pet her. I’m sad. Hug your kitties extra tonight.

  28. catoclock +4

    Yo, running Toasties, it is cold as fuck up here in New England. Anybody have recommendations for running tights that won’t cost me my (hypothetical) firstborn child? A lot of the ones I’ve found don’t have a drawstring for some stupid reason, which is a problem for me because my muscle-y thighs don’t quite match up size-wise with my comparative lack of butt/hips. Help!

        1. RoseCamelia +15

          Wangs are actually pretty small. Think about the last time you saw a naked man. It’s really a tiny portion of his pants area. Just don’t let a man know you think so. Delicate little egos.

    2. GreenGrasses +1

      I’ve had really good luck with the sales racks at City Sports recently! Since we’re going into winter I’m not sure if there will be any full-length tights on there, but it’s always worth a shot!

    3. lil_gary +1

      Trying this again, sorry for the double post, but:

      I’ve had luck with Old Navy compression tights (though they lack a drawstring, so might not work for you) and Target’s C9 line. I have a pair of C9 knee tights that are be-drawstringed and I know they have full-length tights as well, though I can’t vouch for their waist bands!

      1. firstmute +2

        I’ve had pretty good luck with the Target ones too, and it’s cold as fuck where I live. I also have very AHEM muscular thighs, so the drawstring is a bit help.

        1. catoclock +1

          Thanks guys! I will check those out. Target already sells the World’s Best T-Shirt, so I believe in their ability to make awesome workout stuff too.

      2. cuminafterall +2

        I can vouch for the C9 capri-length leggings with drawstring. They’re my first pair of drawstring workout pants and now I want to sew drawstrings into all my other pants, too.

        I also have a pair of Under Armor Cold Gear leggings. They are a little expensive ($50-60) but suuuuuper warm. They have a bunch of different varieties, but I’m not sure whether any of them have a drawstring.

    4. PonyAlong +5

      I GOT THIS!

      Sugoi winter running tights! Made in Canada, drawstring waist, warm as all get out; I wear them hiking and love the fit and the feel. If you’re wondering about size, I’m 5’3″ and roughly 150lbs, and I wear a medium.

      SUGOI is the fall/winter bomb.

      1. catoclock +1

        Ohh these sound great, thanks! You’re just a tad shorter and lighter than me, so I imagine we’d wear the same size. Woo!

    5. bocadelperro +1

      If you have a Marshall’s or TJ Maxx nearby, they often have high-end (nike, under armour, adidas, etc.) running clothes for very cheap. I really like under armour tights (highly reccommend! Kept me from freezing when I was in Northern Germany!), and I got a pair there for about $15.

      1. catoclock +1

        We actually have a Marshall’s AND a TJ Maxx in two shopping centers across the street from one another, which is awesome. I have gotten some GREAT workout stuff at both (teal workout capris with foxes on them, hell yeah), but it’s been really slim pickings lately for some reason.

    6. ToTheIsLand +1

      (Don’t mean to thread jack, but: I wanted you to see this, and bc of new job/busyness issues, I haven’t been able to comment as much or make Open Thread on time, so:
      THANK YOU for the Toast Post. It 100% made my day when I got it.That Kay Ryan poem was perfect, the ibis on the front is awesome, and I was so happy to get a surprise postcard when I thought all the Toast Post coming to me was over and done with.

      Also, on topic, I just bought some Champion slim-fit running pants at Target which are pretty good, but they don’t have a drawstring nor are they probably warm enough for New England fall/winters, so not really what you are looking for, really. It was worth mentioning though…
      But: thanks! You made my week.)

  29. nikkijhu +31

    I had a really tough week and have decided to do NOTHING this weekend except stuff myself at brunch and drink an unseemly number of pomosas. My thesis is due in a month and this is probably a bad decision, but I’m just gonna own it.

    3. BakesAndRuns +4

      Oh god yes. My internal monologue today has consisted of “should I work on my thesis…..or finish this scarf? Probably the scarf, yeah, that’s a GREAT use of my time.”

  30. Briony_Fields +11

    General question: How many of you get financial support from your parents for school? My dad has very generously offered to help me pay for my Master’s degree, but I feel awkward accepting it. I’m in my thirties! Aren’t I a bit old for that? I mean, I’m still not going to say no, and I’ve been financially independent in every other way my whole adult life, but I feel like I’m fulfilling some stereotype about something something lazy millennials anyway.

    1. jenavira +8

      My parents paid for my undergrad and then, when my dad saw the outrageous interest rate on my student loans for my master’s, he paid those too. I definitely feel magnificently awkward and entitled, but you know what, he’s apologized so many times for bringing me into the world at the worst possible time to enter the job market, so I have sucked it up and allowed him to help. I make up for it by offering moral support to my friends by never complaining about how poor I feel while they’re still paying off student loans, and buying them drinks whenever possible.

      1. jenavira +7

        And man, re-reading that, I sound super entitled. What I meant to say was: I am in much the same situation, I know I am outrageously lucky, I try to pay it forward when I can. I also eventually had to take into consideration the fact that I was actually making my dad miserable by continuing to turn down his offers of financial help, because he is classic WASP and this is how he shows affection.

        1. Briony_Fields +7

          Ha ha, don’t worry, I didn’t think it sounded entitled at all! Also, this?

          I was actually making my dad miserable by continuing to turn down his offers of financial help, because he is classic WASP and this is how he shows affection.

          Uh, my dad TO A T. He’s offered like, three times and I feel like he was bummed when I rebuffed him. Thanks for your input!

    2. RoseCamelia +26

      To do: Sort out what you think and separate it from what you assume others think about you.

    3. gorebooth +10

      My father paid for my undergrad degree. Grad school was funded (PhD), but indirectly a gift from my dad paid for a big chunk of my partner’s masters degree. My thinking: I’ve had some enormous privileges in life, and also some pretty hard knocks / heavy burdens, and it’s ok for me to use some of those advantages for essentially positive things (eg, higher education) while navigating the hard things & trying to be a good person who makes the world better in general.

      1. Briony_Fields +5

        I can relate to this a lot. Sometimes I’m really stunned at how many opportunities I’ve had and how lucky I am, but I’ve also gone through the wringer in some specially horrific ways. I’m definitely grateful for what I *do* have, which is a lot, and I suppose I could view it as, it’s a bit of help so I can improve my own life and hopefully that of others (I’ll be a Psychotherapist.)
        Thanks!

    4. kilks401 +10

      Take it and then try to help other people, would be my advice. My parents helped out quite a bit for undergrad (it was mostly financial aid) and my grandparents chipped in for graduate school. For me, I try to make sure I acknowledge how lucky I was, and work to ensure other people have opportunities.

      For me, it’s giving to schools that serve low income students well and giving to my graduate school program, cause they have a more diverse program than most other MLS programs.

      1. GreenGrasses +2

        Yeah this is great advice! My parents paid for undergrad (I haven’t done post-grad studies) and I also try not to talk about my lack of loans around my friends, and then I try to recognize when I’m able to help others.

    5. elsamac +15

      If he is in a financial position to do it and you are in an emotional position to accept it, why would you not accept? If it strains him financially or it comes with strings, that’s different.

      I took money from my parents to start college at 30, and I don’t feel guilty about it. I went through a stage after his death when the dynamic was different, and so was my life (and especially my brain-chemical reaction to taking her money), so I gratefully thanked my mother and told her I couldn’t continue to accept her generosity. But if she offered it now, I’d take it immediately and with thanks. There’s no shame in it.

    6. lemonadefish +4

      My parents didn’t pay for anything for my Master’s degree, but my financial aid package was plenty big enough to pay for rent and booze and whathaveyou. (Thanks a lot, younger me. I really hope you enjoyed all that stuff that I will be paying for until I retire, assuming I can ever retire, since I’m stuck paying for all your shit.) They didn’t really have much money to spare, but I would have taken it if they did! Assuming your dad will still be able to take care of himself when he is old and feeble, take his money gratefully!

    7. hedgelet +2

      I took out federal loans for undergrad, and then for my Masters my parents offered to loan me money at a much lower interest rate. It works for us–they couldn’t afford to pay for my degree outright, and I wouldn’t have felt comfortable accepting that. I just got a job, so I’ll start paying them back after the holidays. Taking the money as a loan also gave me some freedom to fuck up/screw around that I don’t think some of my classmates felt, and I appreciated that.

    8. loren_smith +3

      My parents paid for my undergrad tuition and books. They had set up RESPs when I was born, and there was nothing else the money could be used for. I worked to pay for my apartment and bills. If this is something your dad has been saving for, by all means accept his help! Even if he just feels he can spare the money, take it and do well.

    9. cuminafterall +4

      My parents paid a bit for undergrad. I had a scholarship, plus some loans in my own name, but I also had another sister in college without scholarships, so she needed more financial support than I did. I don’t expect to ask them for help with grad school because they’re still supporting my 3 youngest siblings. If they were in a position to offer assistance, though, I would accept.

      My husband’s parents offered him $10K for grad school, which he was happy to take. In a way it’ll be paying for some of my grad school, too, since that $10K would have come out of our savings otherwise.

      Stereotypes are like the BMI: they might have some (limited) utility at the population level, but little relevance on an individual basis. Everyone’s situation is different. Wise people know that and don’t judge. Good luck with grad school!

    10. winterbymorning +2

      My parents paid for my undergrad tuition. It was ~$4000 a year though (yay Quebec tuition fees) and I did my BA in 3 years. They were very “it is our duty as your parents to pay for your education!” – although they might not have felt so strongly about it if we lived in the States and had to pay extortionate tuition…

      1. actualmeg +1

        OH MY GOD THAT IS SO CHEAP.

        I always forget how ridiculous U.S. education costs are compared to the rest of the world. I’m at a NYC city school for my master’s, and it’s about 10K a year and it was literally one of the only places cheap enough for me to consider being able to pay for (or rather, take out a loan for and pay back later). As for undergrad, I kind of cringe every time I think about how much my parents will end up paying in total for four kids.

    11. bookwormV +1

      My parents are paying for my current MA (minus a contribution from my grandmother). I do feel weird about it, and did offer to pay some/all (which would wipe out my savings, but still), but they pointed out that they paid for my sister’s. But hers was thousands of pounds less than mine (she went to Amsterdam, which is a lot cheaper than here), so it doesn’t really seem comparable. I tried to get funding, but had no luck.

  31. stregastrigoi +16

    Oh, nothing much. Just want to thank you Toasties for being you!

    I just made a successful phone call to a stranger and I can FEEL the adrenaline coursing through my body.

    Also, am I allowed to shamelessly ask for people to follow/follow me on twitter? I’m a total INFP shut-in who likes to be in constant contact with the outside world without actually, you know, venturing into the outside world. Anyway, if you’re interested – ambersayamber

    1. MrsTeacherFace +1

      I followed you, but you probably won’t be notified because I’m private on twitter, but you can add me: @noxmunk

  32. CleverManka +23

    YOU GUIZ, Fay_Apple dropped by my office yesterday and it was my first in-person Toastie-meet and it was awesome! Also I went to a new heath care practitioner yesterday and I really like him and I think he has a new angle that just might work for me! And I am wearing a new cashmere sweater that I found at a thrift store recently! Today is just SO GOOD Y’ALL.

    Gift giving! I love it and am so sorry when it’s a fraught issue for some. My gift-source faves:

    Archie McPhee

    Penzey’s Spices

    Zamouri Spices

    And then, of course, there’s always books

          1. Fay_Apple +1

            That is so kind and sweet! I’m seriously jealous of you preternatural talent with gifs.

            I’m glad you had a good day. It was probably more rewarding then mine in which I spent all afternoon with a colleague in my lab trying to debug a code in C++ even though neither of us knows C++. We are experimentalists and it was truly the blind leading the blind, but unfortunately all the computationalists graduated (and also horribly commented their code) so I’m the closest thing left to an expert.

    2. donkeywork +4

      Hell yes Archie McPhee, thank you for reminding me. My aunts are gonna be loving some squirrel underpants.

  33. vmartinipie +8

    WHEW what a week, y’all, what. a. week. In the spirit of something a little more lighthearted–what are words you CONSTANTLY mis-type? Aside from the, that, etc. I email a woman named April all the time and constantly type “Paril” and seem unable to type “editor” without accidentally spelling “ediotr” first (there’s a joke in there). What’s up with this and what are people’s bugbears?

      1. catoclock +8

        My own name, like 75% of the time.

        My boyfriend constantly mistypes “definitely” as “defiantly,” which makes for some entertaining texts.

    2. blunderbusst +5

      Senate: Seante

      This is my most frequent mis-type. And I work for a state legislature, so I do it all day every day.

    4. RoseCamelia +5

      I type helath, then delete-delete-delete-delete, then slowly a l t h. Been doing this for decades. I think my brain has coded the word as 6 characters, 4 deletes, 4 characters.

    6. paddlepickle +3

      I type the names of people I talk to a lot when a word starts with the same first letter as their name. I find it sweet when I type my best friend’s name Joey instead of joy or June, alarming when I type my terrible, long-estranged ex’s name Bryce instead of brick or before.

    8. GreenGrasses +12

      I am currently in charge of a book called “Introducing Python” right now, and EVERY GODDAMN TIME, my weird muscle memory causes me to type “Pythong.”

    10. m98widow +2

      I mis-type “machine” a lot because my last name also starts “mach” and then I just… end up typing my last name instead.

      1. bookwormV +2

        On and around my birthday, I will frequently write that day’s date as my birthdate instead, because that’s the year I’m most used to writing along with that date.

    11. lemonadefish +1

      apint for paint and exisitng for existing get me several times a day. I can always get scheduled out properly though, which i never quite believe.

    12. Es_Petal +1

      vehicle. (I am an editor, and edit articles about the automotive industry, among other things.)

    14. HottieCooterati +3

      Dammit I KNOW how to spell “grateful” but my fingers do “greatful” every. time.

      I’m pretty good at replacing every apostrophe with a semicolon, also.

    15. super_novice +2

      My older brother’s name is only two letters off from my own (and they rhyme, thanks a lot, mom and dad) and I constantly the first letter right and the last letter wrong and end up with a weird blend of our two names.

    17. gentlehangovers +4

      “occasionally.” I actually made it my new years resolution to learn how to spell/type that damn word. It worked. Next up, “broccoli.”

      1. bookwormV +1

        I misspell “broccoli” every time. I know how to spell it, but can somehow never write it properly first time.

    18. heartstillatwar +1

      ‘Ocotber’ always happens for some reason. Not having to type it often is the silver lining to moving on to dreary, cold November.

    20. tekkah +1

      I constantly flip “use” and “sue” (stupid fingers) and I am always, always forgetting the right order of I and E in “receive.”

    22. annesedney +5

      My job requires me to type the word “summary” a lot (often in document titles), and about 25% of the time I accidentally type “cummary” instead. I live in fear of the day I don’t catch the mistake and end up sending it to one of our clients…

    23. kayloulee +2

      Any/all of the receive/perceive/deceive ei-combination words. Also I can’t remember the difference between practice and practise most of the time; I know that practice is a noun because it has ICE in it but what does that mean? Ugh. Usually I just let Microsoft Word poke me about it.

  34. HotDoom +8

    Oh man, I’ve definitely been thinking about gift ideas, since 98% of my loved ones’ birthdays fall within a month of Christmas and it’s just a grip of gift-buy/making/giving from here to january. Unless someone is explicit or has hinted about something they’d like, I enjoy giving people gifts that are a little bit indulgent, like something they wouldn’t usually get for themselves, such as a very nice bottle of booze or a fancy experience.

    With my mom, it’s hard though, because she’s in the process of cleaning out a house with ~70 years of accumulation of stuff (the house her parents built, she and I grew up in) and I’m trying to avoid buying more things, unless she asks for them. Aside from giftcards for like Sephora or her favorite restaurant, which has been my go-to for the past few years, does anyone have any ideas for gifts for a 68 year old woman who has tons and tons of things that she’s already trying to get rid of? I live on a different continent from her, so that can complicate things.

    1. RoseCamelia +8

      For the right recipient, I love to give flower arrangements. Pretty. For a while. Then they die and get thrown away. No lingering clutter.

      1. annesedney +3

        My mom and I often give each other potted orchids or other delicate, pretty plants, in the full knowledge that they will be dead within a few months. It’s basically a slightly longer-lasting flower arrangement.

    2. BrandyPunch +2

      Gift certificates for services? Massages, spa days, maybe a session with a professional organizer who can help her cut through the stuff in her house.

    3. jenavira +3

      Food! Penzey’s gift boxes are my new go-to gift for people who have too much stuff. Sometimes, if I’m feeling extra-fancy, I’ll make my own spice mixes for chai or mulled wine.

      1. HotDoom +3

        These are all good ideas! For instance, my mom’s birthday is tomorrow, so I got her a nice bouquet (I hope) of flars, and a Macy’s gift card (she loves the make-up gift sets). I got her a gift cert to a nice local nail salon in 2010 and it recently resurfaced after being lost almost immediately in the clutter, but she is now nervous about finding parking near the salon :/ MOMS WHAT EVEN?

        So, yeah, next on the list will be food baskets. I will definitely check out Penzey’s, and if all else fails, Ma is getting a fancy trashcan (she really needs a decent trashcan and they are surprisingly expensive!) full of Trader Joe’s stuff. Moooommmmmmmmmmm, gawd.

    4. longlostlullaby +4

      Speaking of people whose birthdays fall near Christmas: My sister is pregnant with my first niece/nephew (I already know it’s a niece, but I don’t have any nephews either). She’s due January 14. I already feel sorry for the poor baby, being born so close to Christmas. As the spinster aunt, I’m pretty sure it’s going to be my duty for the next 18+ years to spoil her with really good Christmas and birthday presents to make up for the fact that she’s going to be short-changed out of a lot of gifts in her lifetime.

      1. DeepBlueC +1

        Don’t be sorry! January 17 baby right here, and I LOVE the fact that my birthday often falls on a 3 day weekend in the US (if I remember, you’re in the US? sorry if that’s creepy). It might be a little less frequent for her, but she might also not be born on the 14th. (I was due on the 15th, MLK’s actual birthday.) I feel sorrier for people who feel obliged to give me gifts so close together! The first kid of the newest generation in my family was born on CHRISTMAS MORNING. You can feel sorry for him instead, haha.

        1. longlostlullaby +3

          I’m not in the US right now, but my sister is and the baby will be. A 3 day weekend birthday would be nice, but I feel like when she’s little it’ll be a lot of “other kids get presents twice a year and I get all my presents at once”. But she hasn’t even been born yet, so I should stop worrying about how she’ll feel about presents. And hopefully she won’t be born on Christmas day!

  35. christoncracker +28

    I just ate a box of frozen white castle cheeseburgers for breakfast and I’m pretty happy about that decision.

    1. ramina +2

      the only way that could be better is if they were FRESH white castles, great choice!

      (I ate half a container of spice drops, clearly not one of my better moments)

  36. lilsebastian01 +73

    Y’ALL I went on an excellent date last night! This is extra exciting since I am only recently out as queer and this date was with a lady and she’s so smart and cool and funny and we hung out for hours! HOORAY!

  37. wallofillusion +17

    My boyfriend is probably moving cross-country to live with me in a month, aaaaaah

    One of the rooms in my apartment just opened up, see, and it’s bigger than mine and my landlord says we can rent it together, so I’ll be paying idk maybe $100 more in rent per month (and once boyfriend finds a job, we will be splitting the cost, obviously) which is a small price to pay for him to not have to move back in with his parents in Utah. Which would be unideal in a number of ways.

    But these decisions have all happened literally within a week, and the entire moving process is probably going to happen within the next month/month-point-five so things are about to be really intense for a while. I’m telling my parents tonight; hopefully they won’t be too weird about us sharing a room. We are telling boyfriend’s parents once everything set enough that they cannot do a thing to stop us, which is to say, no matter what happens I think telling my parents will go better than telling his parents.

    We’re both in our twenties, so sudden life-changing moves are a thing we’re allowed to do, right??

    3. LeastBittern +16

      Have a talk about chores and money within the first couple of days: if there’s a fight about either, having the talk first will make it less FEELINGSBOMB and more “Socks in the hamper! Socks are happy in the hamper!”

    5. Billy1490 +3

      I moved in with my boyfriend when I was 22 (ex, but our break up had nothing to do with our cohabitation) and was so nervous to tell my very Catholic Conservative parents about the whole thing. They didn’t approve when I told them and never came around to it but they still visited and it didn’t do any damage to our relationship in the long-term. Still it was a little agonizing because it was the first time I’d ever just gone against my parents’ wishes for me? Like I’ve always just been well behaved and did everything in the “right” order. So it was distressing for awhile.

      By all this babbling I mean to say good luck. It’s all very exciting and you’re a grown-ass woman who deserves to do whatever the hell she wants. And the twenties are made for life-changing sudden moves.

      1. wallofillusion +2

        Yep, it’s gonna be one of my first big “rebellions” if they’ve got a problem with it, too. My parents aren’t too conservative, but the idea might still be a little weird to them. But I am, indeed, a grown-ass woman! I just turned 25. I can do this thing.
        Thank you for the well-wishes!

        1. Beakses +3

          I moved my boyfriend and myself across the country, at which point we moved in together, at 24- and three years later I married him. (Two years next month!) My parents were not weird about things at all (except for the part where my mother would accidentally refer to him as my husband- but she started that even before we moved in together, and eventually she was correct, so…)

          Good luck! May your cohabitation be delightful!

        2. bookwormV +3

          If your parents have a problem with you living with your boyfriend at 25, that is their issue and nothing you need to worry about. You’re an adult! You’ve been an adult for ages! There is nothing wrong with living together.

    6. grumblyqueer +2

      My aunt and uncle lived together for YEARS before they got married, and this was in a family of 1970s Catholics with very close ties to the Old Country. Go for it!

  38. deleted7410012 +8

    i am so ready for the weekend.

    all i want for the holidays is to be able to put my hair up into the tiniest ponytail in all the world. i’m smackdab in the middle of the awkward pixie grow-out stage and i know the next two months will be the the last stages of agony before i can finally do something with it.

  39. perianwen +2

    Vancouver Toastfolk! Do you want us to try to have another get-together this month or next? Or would you like to arrange something for January after the holiday madness settles?

      1. perianwen +1

        I am open to Thoughts about it, whether it be a weekend brunch or a weeknight supper or a bookstore flash mob or…?

    2. artsandvice +1

      The BC Vancouver, right, not the WA one? (just gotta check)

      Kind of but I am shy? I wanted to go to the last (?) one when Nicole was here, but then I chickened out 🙁

      1. sheilatheresa +1

        Prob too late for this to be seen, but I LOVE crafts — count me in! I also have boxes of craft-crap (not really crap, but craft supplies lacks alliteration) and could contribute in that manner if needed.

  40. stephanieho +39

    Newly minted single me has gone completely boy crazy. I’m having serious celebrity crushes 7th grade Tiger Beat style, mostly on HOCKEY PLAYERS and some dude called Boyd Holbrook. I spent an obscene amount of time on tumblr looking at gifs. Send help.

    1. thecaitd +16

      I mean, if we’re gonna discuss men for their ornamental qualities, hockey players>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

      1. stephanieho +2

        Yeah I am not sure how I spent so long of my life not knowing this…?? But NOW after my tumblr spree, I want to date hockey dudes irl. Agghh

        Also, there’s an entire subreddit called /r/hawwkey which is completely adorable.

          1. FreeRangeMenses +8

            Thank God I sit on the first floor, because my panties just dropped so hard there would’ve been fatalities as they crashed down several stories.

    2. ramina +6

      I follow too many beard blogs on Tumblr because that is totally what happened to me when I became newly single. I still don’t really regret that decision.

        1. projectbeks +5

          holy shit I just lost an hour of productivity at work. what have you done??? … thank you…

          1. deleted7410012 +3

            you’re welcome

            i would also spend hours at work on this most glorious of websites if i could rely on my face to not get embarrassingly red and moony after gazing at him.

        2. rkfire +2

          what this is a tumblr??

          Wait, what am I saying? It’s tumblr. I don’t know why I expected anything else.

          ..

          Now I have to see if there are bearded Benedict Cucumberpatch or Tom Hiddleston tumblrs.

    3. noodge4lyfe +5

      oof, newly single boy crazy is distracting and fun and DISTRACTING. my post-break-up crush that I couldn’t get out of my head was Waris Ahluwalia. Trying to remember the others, but I think I didn’t go too far with celeb crushes because I was too busy burning through ALL the acceptable men on my local Tinder.

    6. figtreecooking +2

      Yeah, fucking hockey players, what is their deal?? I’ve been in baseball RPF for years and it’s a ghost town, and then I discovered hockey RPF is hopping. My baseball team has a lot of hot dudes but I think the overall quotient in hockey is higher. /goes off to stare at Toews’s abs

  41. Alli525 +19

    Y’all I bought a Weeping Angel christmas tree topper yesterday and it occurs to me that when I get my own place next February, it is just going to explode with nerdiness. Any fun nerd decor that I 100% need?

    1. ramina +1

      I have decorated my walls with gorgeous art prints of Sailor Moon and cute bloobers from the Mario series and Pokémon and also the Bride of Frankenstein! There are some super talented people out there that make excellent poster-worthy prints!

    2. Es_Petal +3

      I’ve got Spike and Giles Christmas tree baubles. Where did you get the topper? I might need one of them!

    3. BourneApprox +5

      When I was a kid in the 90s, I used to see TV commercials for Star Trek Christmas ornaments. So, like a copy of the Voyager you could hang from your tree. I coveted them so dearly, but was embarrassed to ask my parents for them (they tried to reduce the amount of cheap plastic stuff we had). 20 years later, my husband finally got me the Deep Space 9 one as a present. It made my heart grow three sizes bigger.

    4. projectbeks +2

      My daughter’s room has a framed print of the exploding Tardis. It looks like a legit art print! But wait, is that a Police Box??? *gasp* IT IS. She has just learned to say Tardis, and now knows that a Doctor lives inside. I have less than zero regrets about the nerdiness adorning my home, but that one is my favorite.

  42. anninyn +9

    Toasties, my mood is… weird. This Big Huge Uncontrollable Thing is STILL ongoing and is SUPPOSED to be happening on the 11ths, but yet again we will probably get a call the evening before/morning of telling us it’s been put off again and… and I just want this over, in the most positive way it CAN be over, which is that we’re told. nope, nothing to worry about, go on with your lives’.

    Sorry about the vaugeness, but I really don’t want to go into details in a public place. But my mood is up and fucking down and my period keeps stopping and starting and my stomach is pure fucking acid and I want it DONE.

    Maybe in ten years I’ll be able to laugh about this. Maybe.

    Maybe twenty.

    1. CaptainNancy +3

      Having something hanging over your head is the worst feeling. That inbetween state can really do your head in. I am crossing my fingers (and toes) that you will find out on the 11th.

      In the meantime, internet hugs if you would like them.

      1. anninyn +5

        thanks. It’s just… so awful. 99.9% nothing will come of it, but that small percentage is what’s making me feel so awful all the time.

  43. ramina +6

    NYC-AREA TOASTFRIENDS: I am to start work on a work project that is taking place in Queens starting like, ASAP – basically, I am on call 24/7 and if they need me at 3am on a Sunday, I have to be there, BUT what that likely means is that, well, I will be spending some time in Queens, and I’ve never been there before! If I’m stuck up there overnight, they’re providing me a hotel room, but does anyone have any suggestions of like, cool places to eat or things to do/see if I’m stuck there? I’ll be on a barge for like ten hours a day but that doesn’t kill my spirit THAT much.

      1. ramina +2

        The site is at somewhere called Newtown Creek? I wish I could be more specific, but I don’t even really know. We’re doing surface water sampling off of a barge and that part isn’t fun, but the whole “they will be providing me a hotel room” bit should be!

        1. meetapossum +3

          That is pretty vague, haha! But if you end up in Long Island City I recommend Alewife and Dutch Kills Centraal for food and beer, and regular Dutch Kills for delicious cocktails.

        2. Räven +2

          The creek is long (and amazingly beautiful gleaming with oil and toxins), running from the east river along greenpoint and east williamsburg (both brooklyn-side). Greenpoint is a great old polish neighborhood and you can eat your weight in babka and also Peter Pan doughnuts. Your hotel, though, I can’t even imagine – they could put you up anywhere in queens. Let us know where the hotel is! Jackson Heights has Indian and Colombian foods, Astoria is old Greek now hipsters, LIC is everything is new and it’s rich people but there’s some good food there.

          1. ramina +1

            Ah, that would make sense as to why we’re sampling there, then! Oil and toxins is kind of my business, haha.

            As soon as I know more about the logistics behind the project, I’ll be sure to ask on either an open thread or link roundup for further advice! All I have right now is a powerpoint with a vague map.

          2. Räven +1

            Also for real the wastewater treatment plant on the creek is BEAUTIFUL and has a strange little riverwalk strolling path that is charming.

            ETA: This fella is a master guide to the on-land area of the creek and has written some really great stuff about its history (it was the waterway along which all of 19th-century NYC’s filthiest industries were located, it’s been getting deadly runoff since the dawn of the industrial revolution.) http://newtownpentacle.com/2014/08/05/greatest-su…

    2. thecaitd +4

      Yay Queens:

      If the weather is still nice, Gantry Plaza Park in Long Island City is new and has a beautiful view of Manhattan.
      The Museum of the Moving Image is in Astoria; they have a Looney Tunes exhibit right now and their permanent collection is fun (most of the stuff on display is Robin Williams’ prosthetics from Mrs Doubtfire, things like that). There’s a well-loved Venezuelan place nearby called Arepas Cafe and a solid craft beer place called Sunswick.
      If you really have several hours to kill, go to Spa Castle in Flushing. They have gold saunas and year-round outdoor hot tubs and it’s close to a big pan-Asian food court that has the best dumplings.

      1. ramina +1

        Oh, I’ve wanted to go to the Museum of the Moving Image for quite some time! I know they had a big Jim Henson exhibit last year that I really sadly missed.

        Also, Spa Castle sounds amazing. Our schedule is going to be really varied – they can call us up at any time of day for 6-8 hours of work, and by the time we drive up there (1.5 hours from our office on the Jersey shore) it’ll be over the amount of time they allot for daily travel and work combined, so we have to stay. “have.” I just know I’m going to be frustrated because I am one of two women on the entire project and out of all the guys coming with us (five from my office that I know, and a bunch more from the offices in the lower Hudson valley/LI/Syracuse that I do not now), only one of them is one I would consider a good friend. So anything Toast-approved will be more than welcome, I’m positive!

  44. katiemcgillicuddy +44

    PARIS IM GOING TO PARIS TOMORROW it was all kind of last second (as in I only for sure knew 2 weeks ago) and I am excited and anxious as hell and I don’t speak French, I hate flying, oh god am I excited though, but did I mention the anxiety, guys hellllp me and tell me what you think I should do/eat/see in Paris!!!!!!!

    1. octopoda +5

      You don’t really need to speak French, don’t worry.

      There are all the obvious tourist attractions, but what I liked most there (and in all European cities like this) is just wandering around the streets and alleys. I ate at a delicious crepiere we found by wandering like this (sorry I can’t be more specific, I have no idea where it was!).

      I liked the Centre Pompidou as well (if you like modern art).

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +2

        Yeah, I just…god I wish I spoke some, I’ve been trying to get some basics down and I can’t even manage that. I just want to be able sincerely try, you know?? Wandering is basically my plan, so I’m glad to hear you say that, thanks!

        1. octopoda +1

          It did help I was with a friend who spoke a little, but we were not always together. When I was on my own I got by fine with the few words I picked up just by being there. I do understand the desire to speak in the local language though 🙂

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +2

        Yes, but then I’ll have to sign up for Facebook and then how can I be smug about not being on Facebook? How I ask?

        ETA: Thank you though, watch me sign up in a panic two hours from now because oh god the calming effect of you wonderful Toasties.

        1. 1sic1 +3

          Oooorrr you can just write me at goingtoreykjavik (at) gmail (dot) com. Me and another Toastie were going to hang out this weekend anyway: maybe you could join us?
          And I speak French, if you need help with anything.

          1. katiemcgillicuddy +1

            You are awesome. I won’t really be there til Sunday (leaving tomorrow evening), so I don’t know how together I’ll be by then, but I’ll shoot you an email! Thanks!!!

    3. CaptainNancy +2

      Angelicas. The €8 hot chocolate will be the best hot chocolate of your life. Watch out for the crowds though.

          1. CaptainNancy +1

            Aaah yes, it is Angelinas not Angelicas. The first time I went to Paris there was about an hours wait, so we didn’t go, but last year there was no wait at all. I got drunk (it felt like I was drunk, though no alcohol!) off the hot chocolate, I LOVED it.

            Sadly I don’t live in Paris, otherwise I would definitely check Le Jacobine out. Thanks for the reccomendation

    4. rhymeswitheight +7

      PARIS!!! That’s so exciting. 🙂 Musee d’Orsay is awesome and less overwhelming than the Louvre (but still go to the Louvre. I got lost and ended up in this really awesome exhibit about books and it was the coolest thing). Umm… watch out for really stinky cheeses masquerading as inoffensive brie. I liked the crepes I ate on the street better than the two real restaurant meals I had. (Granted I was on the study abroad budget, and as a real adult, there would probably be tastier real restaurant options and meals.)

      2. jenavira +6

        yessss Musee d’Orsay was my favorite part of Paris, aeons ago when I went with my high school French club. That and Sacré-Cœur.

      3. octopoda +1

        Oh, speaking of the Louvre, there is a secretish ticket kiosk (underground somewhere?, I don’t remember exactly but you can find it online) where there is no line. Then you can walk past the MASSIVE ticket line at the main entrance and head right in.

        1. Absotively +3

          I think you can also walk right in if you buy a ticket online in advance? At least the advance ticket line looked super short.

          Also, if you want to see the Mona Lisa, try doing that first thing in the morning. I went at the end of the day I spent in the Louvre, and I couldn’t get close enough to see the painting well because of the crowd of people taking pictures of it. Not selfies, pictures from across the room of a painting that they could just as easily get a good print of in the gift shop. I don’t know if it’s any better in the morning, but the museum generally seemed to get busier as the day went on, so I think it would be worth a try.

    5. katiemcgillicuddy +2

      Oh also, we’re doing my 30th birthday dinner in Paris (because who gives a shit if my birthday was in October) and I’m researching different places to go! Any thoughts?? Don’t care if it’s a hole in the wall or a fancy pants place (my old man is paying, helll yeaaah), I would love suggestions!

      1. shumacumlaude +5

        Chez Rene at 14 bd St Germain! Was one of my grandparents’ favorite places in Paris, and I went there when I traveled with them as a kid. I remember it being very friendly and delicious, and it’s where my 9 year old brother announced loudly “These are the best frogs legs I’ve ever had!” after trying them for the first time ever.

      2. OncoMouse +3

        Oh man! I turned 30 in Paris in June and we ate at this place I found on tripadvisor in the Batignolles neighborhood that was a total hole in the wall. It was so so delicious. I had a chocolate mousse that made me want to believe in god. It was called Atao.

        1. katiemcgillicuddy +2

          Happy belated 30th fellow 1984-er! Thanks for the chocolate mousse tip, all tips should be chocolate mousse tips 🙂

    6. ct330 +4

      Oooh when I was in Paris last year my friend and I just bought baguettes and cheap wine and pate and cheese and sat in our hostel and ate the best meal of our lives.

      Pate, oh how I miss you.

    7. StillT +2

      I just went to Paris for the first time earlier this year and LOVED it! Favorite things were wandering neighborhoods and stopping in bakeries and shops along the street, having a picnic in the Jardin du Luxembourg (baguette, good cheese, duck sausage, wine, fruit – AMAZING), and seeing the Catacombs.

      Fair warning, if you decide you want to check out the Catacombs, get there very early. The line starts forming more than an hour before they open and can be as long as a 2 hour wait. It’s pretty creepy, but also totally amazing.

      As far as French, I ran through some stuff on Duolingo and was able to get by in a few situations. My fiancee is fluent, though, so I didn’t have to worry too much. If you make an effort, people really open up to you.

      Also, Le Petit Canard in/near Montmartre was our favorite restaurant. Tiny, lovely little place that was staunchly anti-World Cup while we were there. So peaceful!

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +3

        Wow, this is super helpful! I really do want to see the Catacombs, so I really appreciate the heads up! And I’m playing Duolingo now! Thanks!!!

        1. StillT +4

          Also, if you’re considering a boat tour on the Seine, I highly recommend one that leaves around sunset. Beautiful sunset colors on the way out, brilliantly lit landmarks and a sparkly Eiffel Tower on the way back. Low light makes photography tough, but I think it’s worth it. We went with Vedettes de Paris, I think. Enjoy!

          1. ladyimogen +4

            Yes, seconding this! It is cheesy and touristy and wonderful. Also prime teenage dirtbag spotting (we shared a boat with a high school tour group that mooned people when we went under bridges).

          2. katiemcgillicuddy +2

            And what, truly, is a proper trip to Paris without teenage dirtbag sightings? Thanks!

    8. OncoMouse +1

      I was in Paris for a couple of days in June. I don’t speak French, either, but I got around. I just tried to be polite and learned a couple of phrases to help. I think my favorite part of Paris was just walking around taking in the Paris-ness of it. The Musee D’Orsay is really nice. The Louvre is fabulous. We went on a day that it was free or something and spent all day and walked through the entire thing (fortified by lunchwine). Sacre Coeur is worth it for the view from the hill. Notre Dame is cool, but there were like no bathrooms and it was abnormally hot and the line was epic and so I didn’t get to go into the bell tower. The lines for the Catacombs were similarly really long, so we didn’t do that, either, and I’m really sad about it. Oh! If you’re a history nerd, the archeological crypt just next to Notre Dame is neat. You can see the Roman foundations of the Ile de la Cite!

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +1

        Yeah, be polite and have a couple phrases to work with, pretty much what I’ve got. Thanks for the tips, the archaeological crypt sounds really cool.

    9. notebook-keeper +2

      L’As Du Fallafel for the best falafel in the woooooorld. It was seriously a highlight of my trip there a few years ago. I know very basic French and when I attempted to speak it French people answered me in English so don’t worry about that!

    10. spring chickens +4

      You totally don’t need to speak French anymore in Paris!

      The one thing you do need to do, though, is learn to greet everybody, including store clerks, when you walk into a room. Just say “Bonjour”. And answer “bonjour” when people say it to you before you go on to say whatever it is you need to say next. I’m convinced that at least 80% of tourist stories of how rude Parisians are are based on tourists annoying everyone by just starting to talk to them without greeting them first. It is a big cultural thing to greet — just do it, even if you feel silly saying a word in French, and people will be kind!

    11. Miss B

      I think Maoz is far superior to L’As du Falafel (and David Lebovitz agrees, for whatever that’s worth). I wouldn’t bother with the Louvre, personally, but the Orangerie, the D’Orsay, and the Centre Pompidou are all totally worthwhile. (The Picasso Museum may or may not have re-opened by now? I know it closed in 2009 for a variety of dumb reasons, and I’m not sure about the current status…) Have lunch at the Rose Bakery (get the vegetable plate, which consists of a scoop of each of that day’s salads, plus fresh bread & butter). If you’re there on a Sunday morning, go hear the organ recital at Saint Sulpice (bonus: Poilane is just down the street, so you can stop in for some fresh bread for a picnic later). The food hall in the Bon Marche is excellent for buying food gifts/souvenirs (it’s much like the food hall at Harrods in London, which is to say, it’s awesome). Have mint tea and sweets at the cafe that’s attached to the Grand Mosque — it’s lovely, and a really nice place to chill out for awhile. (There’s also a women’s only hammam that is open to the public attached to the Mosque, if you’re into that kind of thing — I am not, so I can’t tell you how it is.)

  45. deleted7410012 +6

    my general stance on this is like a flowchart
    1) are they offering? if yes…
    2) will helping you land them in financial distress? if no…
    3) are they asking for something unacceptable in exchange? if no…
    4) even if they’re not asking for something unacceptable, will accepting their help make you feel super icky? if no…
    go for it.

    edit: ugh, this was in response to Briony_Fields’ question about parents offering to help with grad school money.

    1. Briony_Fields +3

      1) yes
      2) no
      3) no
      4) eh….not SUPER icky. Just like I’m handing in my “responsible adult” card. But I still work full time and save and am frugal!

      That was a very helpful flowchart, thanks! Money stuff, so hard to figure out sometimes…

      1. blunderbusst +2

        Definitely NOT handing in your “responsible adult” card, I promise! Accepting help is something that is super mature and adult-like to do. Also, allowing your parents to do parent-y things, sometimes just because it makes THEM feel good, is an adult achievement you can now unlock.

  46. radventuretime +6

    One card Tarot Draws – who wants them? I’ll try my best to get to everyone this time. Also, if you can give me any advice on how to make a cool online dating profile that makes the ladies and fellas go wild with assumptions that I would be a decent person to hang out with, I’ll throw in a fun tarot/occult history fact!

    1. ramina +3

      Oh, me please!!

      I wish I could pass on any advice, but my profile seems to only garner people saying “hey beautiful” and like, one okay person.

      1. radventuretime +3

        I drew: The Seven of Pentacles

        The Pentacles, as a suit, tend to relate to the issues surrounding the proverbial ‘daily grind’ we all put in, day after day, in service of our larger goals. The Seven of Pentacles is a card that comes up when this grind is starting to seem like just too much effort for not enough reward. Not in a catastrophic sort of way, or in a way that indicates disaster – just that motivation is starting to flag and things are sort of – meh. To use a running metaphor, you aren’t planning on stopping, but you’ve hit a wall. But the Seven of Pentacles would caution you against taking your feelings now as a commentary on the nature of the whole. Think of yourself as a farmer planting crops. You might not see the fruits of your labor for a while yet, but just because they aren’t tangible hardly means they aren’t there.

    2. stephanieho +2

      Me, me!

      Re: online dating profiles, I am BOSS at them. One key is to tell specific stories to demonstrate your personality/be less generic. Also, it helps to give ladies and fellas a built-in conversation topic, like “I like these books, suggest the next book I should read!”

      1. radventuretime +1

        I drew: The Tower, reversed
        The Tower is one of the Major Arcana, and as such deals with a Major Life Event that occurs on your particular journey. The Tower is the moment where everything goes up in flames. While that sounds catastrophic, it is also somewhat expected in any major life path – nothing ever goes off completely without a hitch, and you wouldn’t have very much of a good play without a second act setback, generally speaking. An upright Tower is pretty bad, don’t get me wrong – you’ll still have to deal with all the complicated feelings of grief and failure and lack of understanding – but with enough time, self compassion, and creative thinking you’ll pick yourself back up and get right back to where you belong.

        But the reversed tower is that and so, so much more. Have you ever heard of the musical Songs For A New World? In the opening song, the characters sing about suddenly having to cope the moment after disaster hits – about having everything they’ve worked for go up in smoke and flames. But they also sing about how in that moment “the world cracks/to reveal the tracks/to a new world” – an entirely new and wonderful personal world that you’d never have known about if it hadn’t been for disaster and which is now yours for exploring (or, less scrupulously, conquering.) I bring up that particular obscure musical because I feel like the opening song is just the most perfect way to describe what the reversed Tower is all about, but you can also think of it this way – on the art for the Tower, two people are jumping out of a window in flames, falling to the ground. Reverse the card, and two people are rising above flames and flying into the sky.

        (Thanks for the advice! Here is your Tarot Fact: Pamela Coleman Smith, who illustrated the Rider Waite deck, worked at the Lyceum Theater and traveled around the country with Bram Stoker and Henry Irving, working on sets and costume design. Sorry about all the time you spent as a third wheel, Pamela Coleman Smith!)

      1. radventuretime +1

        I drew: The Reversed Hermit

        It might surprise you to know that in the tarot, the Hermit is actually a card of connection – specifically, a card of connection with all parts of your own inner life. In the Major Arcana, the Hermit represents the symbolic role of a wise teacher who gives you the introspective powers and wisdom necessary to think about the things that you don’t want to think about, things that might be holding you back or need to be resolved before you move forward. When the Hermit shows up in a draw, it is a reminder that you need to either begin this process of introspective thought or take pride in the fact that the process you’ve accomplished will help you move forward. The reversed Hermit means roughly the same thing, but in a sterner way. You know you need to confront these inner thoughts and feelings, and the reversed Hermit is grumpily telling you to cut the whiffing around and get down to the whole process of getting your mind in a place where you can move on in your journey. Have you been filling your life with things that keep you distracted from being along with your thoughts? The reversed Hermit wants you to know that he didn’t get to be a wise teacher by constant distraction – he got to be one by, you know, Hermiting. If you’ve made a habit of constantly distracting yourself from the things you don’t want to confront, it can be a very scary process to let all that go. But the reversed Hermit reminds you that you don’t have to be afraid – this process won’t stop you, it will only help you move forward.

        Also if it helps you at all, during contemplation you can think of the Hermit as The Kermit, and imagine him sort of flailing his green puppet arms at you from his log in the swamp or something, which I mention only because every time I went to type Hermit, I typed Kermit instead. So. There’s that.

    4. sausagedog +1

      Ooh I’d love a draw. Something about careers because that is on my mind quite a bit lately.

      And unfortunately I have no clue about dating profiles and whatnot, I’m kind of a social media Luddite/secret octogenarian. But your ability to do Tarot draws is pretty rad, so maybe throw that in! Or not, if it is a hidden secret aspect of your personality! (I am useless here)

      1. radventuretime +1

        I drew: The Page of Cups

        Yay Court Cards! My love of court cards, specifically page cards, has been well documented. The reason I love them is because they are just so simple when upright – you can’t read them any way other than YAY GOOD NEWS. Court Cards speak to specific people who are either in your life or about to be, and your relationship with them, and the Page of Cups is a card that speaks about a relationship in which one party nurtures the other and helps the other to grow in the fashion of a mentor. If you’re worried about careers I’d keep a heads up for someone who could help mentor your in your chosen field – it could prove to be a very productive and fruitful relationship for the both of you. Good luck!

        (I am rewarding your honesty regarding social media ignorance with a TAROT FACT! I was going to write a whole tarot fact out but I just learned that Alistair Crowely – who actually did his own tarot deck at one point – was a fussin’ and a feudin’ with Yeats, of all people. Can you imagine how ego-heavy that feud must have been? Jeepers.)

        1. sausagedog +1

          Amazing! Thank you, this was a wonderful reading.

          Also, in the battle of Crowely vs. Yeats, no one wins. Except for maybe the spectators.

    5. threatqualitypress +4

      I will take one!

      I think your best bet for an online dating profile is to use a picture of Dirtbag Hamlet. It is like a shibboleth; anyone who doesn’t get it isn’t worth talking to.

      1. radventuretime +1

        I drew: the Six of Swords
        The Swords are the suit of the conscious intellect – the decisions that you make with your clear and conscious mind, as opposed to those that bubble up from the sturm und drang of the unconscious. With that in mind – you know how sometimes you’re in the middle of a situation, or someone says something to you, and your first thought is to just scream NOPE NOPE NOPE and smash through the wall of the room Kool-Aid Man style in an attempt to get away? This is that card. The Six of Swords is that moment of intellectual clarity, where instinct and thought combine in one undeniable “I have to get out of this situation.” Note that this is distinct from situations where you feel physically in danger – those are less easy to self deny, due to the high cost associated with staying in them. But this Six of Swords is the reminder that just because something isn’t life or death doesn’t mean it can’t be super messed the heck up, and that if your mind says “get out” – you get the heck out and don’t look back.

        (Oh, if only. I wish my profile could just be a picture of Dirtbag Hamlet, with the entirely of the profile text consisting of “*shrugs* whatever.” I know I’d want to talk to that person. Your tarot fact is that I’m still reading the article about Alistair Crowely, and this happened:
        In January 1914 Crowley and Neuburg settled in to an apartment in Paris, where he was involved in the controversy surrounding Jacob Epstein’s new monument to Oscar Wilde,and they performed the six-week “Paris Working”, in which they invoked the gods Mercury and Jupiter. Involving strong drug use, they performed sex magic on themselves and with journalist Walter Duranty. Crowley wrote down the results of the working, among them Liber Agapé, a treatise on sex magic. Following the Working, Neuburg began to distance himself from Crowley, resulting in an argument in which Crowley cursed him.
        I feel like I’d probably need some emotional distance after a six week long drug induced sex magic orgy in honor of Oscar Wilde, so I can see where Neuburg is coming from. Not saying I’d *regret* it, just that there’s probably some processing involved after the fact.)

        1. threatqualitypress +2

          Ah, yes, good, good.  Six is also the sphere of Tippereth in the Kabbalah, the sphere of the higher individual self that reaches towards the divine (or, depending on your point of view, where the divine finally reaches down into the physical realm of the individual); the six of swords is also symbolic of the cutting away of mundane attachments as part of the process of the development of the higher self — this drawing comes (coincidentally or not) after my renewed commitment to stop getting into bullshit arguments on Facebook all the fucking time, so I’m glad to see that the Tarot supports my decision.

          (My favorite part about Aleister Crowley was how unapologetically he believed that gay-male-sex was the height of magical practice; like, I don’t agree with him that, for instance, Eleven is the most powerful mystic number because it is two dongs, but I’m glad that there was a significant 20th century figure who was willing to on record saying, “Nope.  The absolute development of the psyche is two dudes fucking.”)

          Thank you for both drawing and fact!

          1. radventuretime +1

            Is kabbalistic stuff important to understanding Tarot stuff? The only things I know about Kabbalah were the basics covered in Final Fantasy Seven, so – not knowledgeable. Glad the reading synced up, and HOLY COW CROWLEY.

          2. threatqualitypress +1

            Well, I don’t know that I’d say it’s *important*, necessarily, I’m sure you can get along just fine without it.  But Crowley (and a lot of the 20th century hermeticists) used this kind of integrative framework for their approach that combined elements of Tarot, Kabbalah, Indian mysticism, and some ideas about Egyptian mysticism (that were probably made up in the 17th century by neo-classicists but whatever).  I find that there’s some synergy between the framework of the Kabbalah (specifically, the Kabbalah as filtered through early 20th century western mystics, I don’t want to misrepresent myself as someone who has more than a passing familiarity with the authentic Jewish mystic tradition) and the Tarot — there are ten spheres in the sephiroth, and when you line them up with the ten ordinal minor arcana, the influence of those spheres lends some insight into the meaning of the cards (and makes them easier to remember).

      1. radventuretime +1

        I drew: The King of Cups

        Look at the King of Cups, sitting on his throne all self satisfied. One cup in the left hand, one cup in the right, sitting on a throne that somehow can float on the water – this is a dude that feels really good about himself, like “awww yeah I got here because I DESERVE to be here, look at how cool I am on my sweet floaty throne. Life. Is. Good. I am the best King.” And if there’s one thing that history has shown time and again, egotistical men who are convinced that they are the best thing on god’s green earth have never done anyone any harm. *rolls eyes*
        Court cards are the cards that speak to relationships with the people in your life – in a traditional reading, you might hear that this card relates specifically to a man or a male presence, like a romantic partner or a father. I’m hesitant to say that, just because a) way to uphold the gender binary, super old series of fortune telling cards and b) I don’t know your life and how it is structured, and I don’t believe that specific interpersonal relationships have to fall within gendered lines. With that in mind, I’d say that this card is a sign of a person in your life – of either gender – who is dudebroing the heck out of how they relate to you. Maybe the interpersonal relationship didn’t start out this way, but this person has become convinced that They Are The Best King and that their emotional duties consist of you telling them how wonderful they are and going out of your way for them, and them saying “thank you yes I deserve this.” The presence of the King of Cups is a reminder for you to see this unbalanced relationship for what it is. How you deal with it depends on the specifics of the person, but the King of Cups cautions you against the self-deluding thought that this interpersonal relationship is as it should be, because it isn’t – this person is being hella dudebro egostyle on you, and you do not deserve that in something that should be a give and take.

    8. noodge4lyfe +1

      I would like one! FUN!

      I always kept my wordiness to a minimum on my profiles, and tried not to do what it seems like lots of people do, which is impact-word-loaded statements about them that make them sound like a bad pop song from the 90’s. I don’t know, that’s more what NOT to do than what to do, but I think interests and activities are more meaningful than subjective statements about what you feel you are.

      1. radventuretime +1

        Hey! Sorry for the delay in reading – this weekend got very crazy very fast. I drew: The reversed Page of Pentacles

        My love for the court cards could not be more well documented, and the fact that I refer to the pages as “my dudes” in readings should give you some indication as to how I feel when they show up in a draw. Pages are the cards that bring news. Upright pages bring above and beyond good news, and upside down pages bring – yeah. Given the general good spirits of Page cards, hunkering down for catastrophe would be an overreaction – instead, I’d read this page as a reminder to do a quick double check of all the things in your life which might not be that secure, and to shore up your defenses accordingly. The pentacles are a suit that deals with work, business, and finance – maybe this would be a good time to review things in those three areas. At worst, you’ll just put yourself in a stronger position in all three – which should show you how committed the Pages are to bringing good news and helping, that even their worst news works out for the best.

        (Thank you for the advice – I tend to err on the side of ‘lesbian folk rock from the 90’s’ in personal statements, so I’ll watch for that. Your tarot fact is that the illustrator of the Rider Waite deck, Pamela Coleman Smith, spent much of her childhood in Jamaica, and wrote/illustrated multiple books for children about Jamaican folklore. Way to go, exposing children to other cultures, Pamela Coleman Smith!)

    9. seapartridge +2

      You did one for me last time! Do you do seconds? Is Tarot meant to be general, or specific to a certain time period?

      Re: dating profiles: I’m a fan of short and sweet with an interesting fun fact or pithy anecdote. I’m generally more drawn to smiling photos, but that’s not a hard and fast rule. Definitely a few pictures that show what you really look like (as in, not all tiny far away pictures / sunglasses pictures / etc, which I see surprisingly often).

      (this advice is probably so obvious that it’s completely unhelpful, but it seems to be working alright for me with the ladies and the fellas!)

      1. radventuretime +1

        Sorry for the delay in response! Crazy weekend = not that much tarot time. Personally I think the power of the tarot comes from the level of introspection and situational insight the cards allow you to achieve – which means that you can wind up with a bunch of draws that, over time, help illuminate one particular situation or one mutli-card draw which helps shed light on a bunch of minor problems. When I do readings in person I ask people to meditate on what they want from the reading while they shuffle the cards. The idea is that they’ll be focused on what they want to know, and cards will structure themselves accordingly. Anyway, like most newagey type stuff, it’s all about how you feel/want to view things. A satisfying answer, I know. And your tarot fact!

        I drew: The reverse Nine of Pentacles
        The Nine of Pentacles is a curious card, even by the weird standards of the Pentacles. The Pentacles deal with material things – work, finance, material possessions – and the Pentacle cards in the minor arcana explore how those things can be double-edged swords. Upright, the Nine of Pentacles speaks to a general sense of contentment, one that stems from feeling secure in one’s surroundings. In reverse, that contentment is still there, but a creeping sense of doubt is nibbling away at the edges. This is the card that comes up when you wake up one day and realize that things which you’ve felt okay with for ages just feel *wrong* – when you sit down at your breakfast table and for the life of you can’t make yourself feel like you’ve ever sat there before, the card for when you go into work and all of a sudden the lights are too bright and everyone’s voice is harsh and you can’t remember the button you push in the elevator that leads to your floor. It isn’t a card of crisis, but it should come as no surprise that this is a card of deception. Traditionally, this card is read as a sign that someone is about to deceive *you*, but given the lack of other cards to provide context I’d be tempted to read this card as a sign that the lies you’ve been telling yourself to make certain things okay are becoming impossible to consciously maintain. Take this as a reminder of the necessity of being honest with yourself. Without owning up to the things which feel wrong, you have approximately zero chance of taking the steps you need to take to make things feel right.

    10. anninyn +1

      Hi, hopefully I get in a little earlier this time.

      Don’t worry if you can’t get to me.

      No specific subject.

      1. radventuretime +1

        Hey! Good thing I had a crazy weekend that got in the way of my doing any readings, so I am going to get to you after all!

        I drew: The Sun
        The Sun is a very hopeful card. As one of the Major Arcana, it speaks to the events of a major life journey. The appearance of the Sun, in all his smiling glory, means that there is about to be a bright light shining down on all the dark and murky things in your life, and situations that have seemed too unclear to deal with are about to be thrust into sharp clarity. While this card is a card of hope, it can also be read as a double-edged sword. Sometimes dark and murky situations can hide truths about ourselves or our own complicity in their dark murkyness that, when revealed, can cause some serious existential crisis-ing. The hope the Sun bring is not that everything will be revealed to have worked out in your favor, necessarily, but the hope that once you know the truth of things you’ll be armed with the information you need to move forward.

    11. thecaitd +1

      I just wanted to say that the reading you gave me last time was wonderful! I printed it out and posted it on my bulletin board at home.

      And then you inspired some of us NYC Toasties to do tarot card readings at our Halloween party! It was… interesting.

      1. radventuretime +1

        Woah I made it onto a bulletin board! How were the readings interesting? Were DARK TRUTHS REVEALED AND OCCULT SPIRITS SUMMONED BY THE POWER OF THE CARDS?? Or were they like my first few readings, where no matter which cards anyone drew, they never seemed to have any relevance to anyone in that room or any human on earth in general? Or both?

        As for your reading: I drew the reversed Ace of Pentacles
        The reversed Ace of Pentacles is best understood via the well known gnostic symbolism presented in Walt Disney’s Winnie the Pooh cartoons. Do you remember how Pooh always wanted to eat honey, and always wound up getting honey in the end, but always obtained the honey in ways that involved him getting *remarkably physically injured?* He’d get stung by bees, fall out of trees, get struck by lightening, get stuck in trees, get stuck in doors, get his hand stuck in jars – and as kids, we always thought that was somehow okay because hey, he never seemed to be bothered by it, and he ended up getting the honey so what’s the harm? Only as adults can we take a step back and realize how utterly messed up the whole thing was. A situation where you’re falling down a massive tree, hitting every branch and getting stung by bees the whole time, is a bad situation no matter how much sweet honey you get once you thump down on the ground. The reverse Ace of Pentacles speaks to the set of priorities that gets you into those situations in the first place. The reversed Ace of Pentacles taps you on the shoulder and points out that, like, you have a friend who is AN OWL who could maybe like, FLY to get the honey? Or maybe you could ask your friend who is a human to go to stores with you and get said honey? Or broker a peace treaty with the bees? The point is, just because you’re getting what you want out of a situation doesn’t mean that the ways you’re getting it are healthy or that what you’re gaining is worth the sacrifice to get it.

        The reversed Ace of Pentacles is, however, silent on the wearing of red crop tops with no pants. You’ll have to figure that one out on your own.

    15. Scarlet_Flight +3

      Ohh, dating profiles are always a challenge. I’ve made a few and I always try to be as conversational as possible in my answers to the profile questions (conversational is my writing style, so be true to how you normally write or talk, so it seems like YOU). I also think it’s important to be as honest and open as you feel comfortable. Have an undying love for Harry Potter? Put that in your favorite books section and don’t feel shame from people who only list annoying literary fiction. Interested in ladies and fellas? Well, be clear about that! People want to know that they’re what you’re looking for.

      Also, maybe take a “cool” looking selfie or have a friend snap a photo of you when you’re out doing something fun and you’re happy. I just realized with my last profile that I don’t really have any good current photos of me, where I’m relatively close to the camera and don’t look like I’m shooting a dimly-lit selfie headshot in my bedroom.

    19. hedgelet +1

      Me please, if you have time!

      I have no online dating advice, and will be eagerly reading all responses here. I’m in a new city, single for a while but ready for something more serious. I’ve never done online dating before but I think it might be time…which is scary! help!

    21. wallofillusion +1

      You provided a wonderful draw for me last time, so no need for one this time–but two progressive Christian theo-blogging ladies I follow on twitter are doing a series on online dating this very month and in fact posted about setting up profiles this very day, so I shall link you to them! Here and here. (I mention that they’re Christian just to be up-front about it; these two authors don’t write schlock to begin with and these entries are about as non-religious as they come! Also very entertaining.)

      I do have a question about tarot, though–does the interpretation of the Minor Arcana depend heavily on the picture on the card, and thus vary between decks, or will (say) Eight of Wands always have the same general meaning whether it’s a picture of eight sticks crossing the sky or eight saplings growing out of the ground?

    22. figtreecooking +1

      I miss tarot! I have no time for it anymore. Tell me something about this incredibly frustrating friendship/unrequited crush thing I’ve been trying to untangle myself from all year??

    23. MaxMarvel +9

      My only advice is that when I was putting together my OKCupid profile, for “You should message me if…” I put “If you think Gomez and Morticia had the perfect relationship” and one guy wrote a really enthusiastic response about how he has always thought that, and fast forward, now we are married and have a baby and are super happy. So… don’t hide your freak flag, I guess?

    27. laurenipsum +1

      Ah! You’re back! I would like to throw my hat into the ring again, even though I’m finding this very late …

      When I re-opened the comment window here, the following was still in IntenseDebate’s memory, quoted from someone else:

      Sometimes I spend such a long stretch of time “being supportive” and “overlooking flaws” that I lose my center.

      This hit me really hard as I’m trying to figure out how to be an adult and my own person (at 34! ack). Anything you can offer would be very helpful.

  47. eastcoastanne +23

    This morning, while eating cereal, my boyfriend texted me “if you don’t get the maple pecan scone when you pick up your coffee, you are making a TERRIBLE mistake.” So, very excited for second breakfast, I enter my coffee shop and and find the scones are sold out because a pack of high schoolers on a trip to DC just whisked through. BUT I did get to mutter YOUTHS to myself and give them the side eye on the sidewalk, so it wasn’t altogether a waste.

    And now I seem to be betting an ocular migraine, which I may blame on them as well.

    1. ramina +14

      You side-eyed yourself into a migraine. It really is their fault! I hope you feel better soon!

    2. AlisonB +3

      Drink ribena or your replenishment fuel of choice and have a nice lie down…those bloody yoofs!
      I guess your first taste of those scones will be all the sweeter though.

  48. HotDoom +15

    It’s 5:20 pm, and I will need to make myself scare and go be an attic wife soon while my partner has an hour-long phone interview for a job. Is it too early for a white russian? Since I won’t have access to the kitchen for the hour he’s doing his interview, should I make it a full pint? Friday dilemmas.

    2. sausagedog +13

      White Russians are really more of a snack than a drink. Because milk proteins! And (channeling my mom right now) if you don’t drink enough milk you’ll get osteoporosis so… up that dairy intake!

    4. HotDoom +9

      I went for a stiff half pint and y’alls are right: it is like a meal unto itself! In which case, goddess bless the White Russian, all-in-one drink of champions and pros.

  49. noodge4lyfe +4

    Anyone have any ideas for helping alleviate the “want a new tattoo” itch? I’m super poor, and will be for another y ear or so, but I have a design and a spot and an itch and uggghhhhhh

    3. noodge4lyfe +3

      it sounds like the only reasonable solution is to just get the tattoo. YES EXACTLY THE ANSWER I WAS SEEKING.

      1. SarcasticFringehead +1

        Can you get a simplified version of it and then get it fancied up later when you have money? Like do the outline now & then do color next year? (I am a tattoo enabler, though, so I say go for it)

        1. noodge4lyfe +2

          it’s actually a relatively small tattoo, and my friend cuts me decent deals so wouldn’t cost me much more than a hundo. hmmmmm

          1. SarcasticFringehead +4

            I feel like you’re in a place where a “well fuck you too, universe” gesture could be very satisfying. (but so is paying your heating bill, I don’t know, let’s go find a place with infinity money and get all the tattoos immediately)

    4. robotneedslove +4

      I have these lovely friends who are super-responsible and love tattoos and they have an adorable tattoo savings account, and they alternate who gets tattoos when it tops up. So, maybe start with one of those? The anticipation could make it super fun! But maybe I’m being the lamest.

      1. noodge4lyfe +1

        Not lame! that’s a fantastic idea! which is only hobbled by my complete lack of ability to save (not because I suck at money but because I have this brief spate – until next february or so – of my income not being quite enough for my outgoing expenses). Something to keep in mind for my future, for sure.

  50. llama-j +6

    Toast Parenting Support sub-thread! Toast readers who are parents, how was your week? How are your kids doing? This is my first week of being a working mom and it is HARD! Hats off to everyone who makes their life work.

    1. Frenz_lo +1

      I have been working a few shifts outside of my house this week, and in some ways, it’s very exciting to leave my baby with my husband and leave the house and go and complete tasks, but even that relatively easy thing is hard.
      I don’t know, man. How does one have it all?

      2. llama-j +1

        Ooh, glad you’re getting out of the house on your own! I was blasting the music in my car yesterday since it was one of the few times I haven’t had her in the carseat sitting right behind me.

    2. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

      Ooooh I am in favour of this sub-thread.

      This week has been rough parenting wise; we have been having bad vertigo which makes doing normal tasks difficult, and our daughter got out of school early ALL WEEK for parent-teacher conferences, and then on Tuesday morning her (wonderful amazing) teacher was gone and a substitute was there instead, mysteriously, and this has been true all week. No explanation, no idea when he’ll be back, the substitute is like 80 and very strict and my daughter is not at all happy and I am totally flipped out that her teacher is GONE FOREVER which would just be a tragedy. Really a tragedy, he is so amazing and all the kids love him and she was finally starting to get over her shyness and really blossom and I am just going to want to burn down the world if she gets stuck with an asshole for the rest of the year and all this progress gets lost. Ugh.

        1. Bryn (Plus Others) +2

          Thanks. Apparently at the END of the hour-long meeting we did not stay for (because the last 30m was about how to get a driver’s license if you’re undocumented, which is awesome information but not relevant to me), the principal called together the 4-5 parents from our class and told them… something. But what I don’t know, because I wasn’t there! One of the other parents called and left voicemail explaining that this had happened but not giving any information. So I guess we’ll corner her in an hour when we go pick up the kids? But it is just crazy-making, and we have a tiny suspicion in our gut that he is actually in some kind of trouble, since the cone of silence about everything is so weird if he just broke his leg or something.

          1. katenepveu +2

            My now-first-grader had a sub for the last few months of kindergarten, and she was bummed because she really liked her teacher, but she adjusted. I hope all’s well with your daughter’s teacher and that if he’s out for a while they find a better substitute!

    3. lemonadefish +3

      Started off on the way back up from terrible (mr. LF and I had awful stomach bugs end of last week, spent weekend in recovery) (stomach bugs decimate my milk supply, making the baby very cranky). I have been back at work for nearly three months. I find it very easy in some ways (I prefer being away from the baby for a while – it is so draining to have someone all up in your business 24-7, even if she is very very cute). But the scheduling part is tough. It’s hard to find time to do all the food and cleaning tasks, much less any sort of personal things like crafts or whatever. Mr. LF does many things, but it seems that we get home, make and eat food, and go to bed, with some baby care stuck in there. I keep hoping baby will begin to sleep better, so I can sleep better, so I can stay up past 8:30 and maybe do something in the evenings, but she hasn’t slept all night since I went back to work. It’s a bummer.

      1. Bryn (Plus Others) +1

        I am sorry to hear this and offering the unwanted sleep advice (feel free to ignore) of Mark Weissbluth’s _Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child_ which totally saved our sanity with both kids. It is terribly written but it is actually based in long-term scientific studies of children’s sleep rather than baby whispering.

        1. lemonadefish +1

          Ha, I think I have that somewhere in my giant towering stack of unread parenting books! Maybe I’ll take a look this weekend. She was a very good sleeper before I went back to work. But she’s had three colds, and I’ve had two bouts of stomach terribleness, and she doesn’t nap for shit at daycare. So. I do need to try something though, while I still have a functioning brain cell left with which to try it.

          1. katenepveu +1

            Sleep and pumping were my absolute banes when the kids were nursing. (Sleep still is, but that’s more my own fault now.) Sympathies.

    4. thebellewitch +3

      I love this sub-thread too, I talk too much about Parent Stuff on the Toast.

      Our big thing we’re trying to do to make life work is pre-making dinners on weekends for weekdays, and it is helping. Because I’m home with the 16-month-old at 5pm and she wants to EAT NOW and her dad doesn’t get home til more like 6 to 6:30, things get stressful. BUT I’m also working on not picking up the baby every time she asks because it’s getting absurd – I’m 24 weeks pregnant and can’t carry her around constantly – so there is a lot of screaming right now while she adjusts to that. It’s hard because I want to cuddle her! But I have to figure out a balance between being there for her and also not giving in to her every whim.

      1. llama-j +1

        Congrats on your second baby! You sound like a great mom. What are some of the meals you make on the weekend for the week ahead? I’m always trying to find recipes like that…

        1. thebellewitch +1

          Thanks! Ones that have been pretty successful have been lasagna (obvious!); tangy tomato chickpeas; and a version of Boston black bean soup from a Deborah Madison soup cookbook. It’s still a process very much in need of streamlining, but soups and Indian food seem to work well because a lot of them taste better after a couple days in the fridge anyway!

      2. katenepveu +1

        Balances are hard, but necessary, and toddlers do adjust. It’s great that you were able to identify an additional source of stress about dinnertime and find a way to help!

        1. thebellewitch +1

          Thanks for the reassurance. I feel like such a jerk when she’s crying and begging to be picked up, but I also need two hands to get food on the table sometimes!

    5. figtreecooking +1

      Had the nights from hell — time change plus sleeping in his new scoliosis brace plus my milk supply cratering recently are destroying my 15mo’s sleep. He’s doing all kinds of adorable and clever things now, but keeping hold of him in public is so hard I’m seriously considering a kid leash! And he loves TV so much (pbs cartoons) he hands me the remote and whines until I turn it on. There goes that mom of the year award…

      1. llama-j +1

        LOL, damn those PBS cartoons and their bright colors! My 4-month old loves them too. I’ve definitely plopped her in front of them when I needed a break from her and was home alone.
        Is your milk supply dropping for any reason, or is it just cyclical? I ask because mine feels super low right now, and I’m scared it means the end of breastfeeding, which I really don’t want to stop. But since you’ve been doing it longer, are there highs and lows to your supply? Thanks for any information you can share.

    6. katenepveu +4

      The Pip is three today!

      . . . he’s mostly extremely cheerful, but sometimes he’s _very_ three, as in, hearing that we don’t have rice (for example) and falling on the floor sobbing uncontrollably. And then, when he snaps out of it, bouncing up and being super-hyper-giggly. (I actually find the whiplash harder to deal with in some ways.)

      We told him, as we told his sister, that when he was three it would be time to put his pacifiers in an envelope to mail to babies who need them, but we’ve decided to let him wait until after his birthday party on Sunday because he only uses it to sleep at home now and we’re hoping he’ll sleep for a sitter tomorrow now. So that will be exciting.

      On a happier note, his big sister’s tooth extraction at the start of the week went quite smoothly, _and_ we got to show her _The Princess Bride_ for the first time! Well, my husband did, I hadn’t come home for my shift yet. I was super-jealous, but she liked it, that was the important thing.

  51. m98widow +53

    Ugghhh men. Just said “excuse me” three times to a guy standing in the middle of the stairwell with his back to me, blocking the way, and when I raised my voice on the fourth try he got all bent out of shape. For a group that loves logic and facts so much, white dudes sure get their feelings hurt an awful lot.

    1. rhymeswitheight +11

      Ugh I hate this. I’ve changed my excuse me strategy to be louder and more aggressive from the get go. It might be impolite but at least it’s faster?

    2. robotneedslove +12

      LOL I whistled and shouted “down in front” when this whippersnapper stood directly between the TV and my mom and me when were at a bar watching the world series, and he was beside himself after. Dude!

    3. spring chickens +7

      I just flew, seated in the row immediately behind first class, and had to put my bag in a bin about 6 rows behind mine because the suits in first class (all male) had gone back to economy to fill up the overhead bins before the rest of us got on. When I asked if I could switch one bag’s place so that I didn’t slow down the crowd exiting, a man said, “but then *I* would have farther to go” and another unrelated man said to me “you can gate check!”

      I COULD, but I’m not the person who paid extra to board the plane early and apparently put multiple bags in the bins of the economy passengers from my first class seat! The fact that they were all businessmen and they were reflexively chiming in to support each other without knowing each other (some in coach, some in first class) was what really got me. Suits!

  52. allanaaa +20

    New misogyny achievement unlocked: getting a butthurt message from a guy I rejected on online dating.
    I am tempted to respond with a “Bye Felipe” just because I love that concept, but I’m more tempted to nuke the conversation from orbit.

    In other news, repetitive strain injury from my job.

    1. ramina +10

      I have taken to replying to really persistent assholes with something glib and then swiftly following with the block button. I’m SO glad it exists.

  53. Angelan_ +5

    I tried to upgrade my graphics card this month and it was an unmitigated disaster. Who knew one graphics card could be made by a million different companies? And that the one I chose would be specifically incompatible with my motherboard? Not me! I want to put my pc in the bin and get a playstation.

    1. octopoda +3

      Just posting is support. Reaserching all the details for computer components can be a giant pain in the ass sometimes. Sometimes building a system can be rewarding though.

      Soon I’m going to be buying a mini server for file backups. Should be a fun project.

  54. threatqualitypress +15

    Anyway, fine, ENJOY your fancy breakfast, bartender. I have a bowl of leftover General Tso’s chicken and I DON’T REGRT ANY OF MY CHOICES IN LIFE.

    1. octopoda +1

      Nor should you. That photo does make me want to bake pretzels again though… I have the food grade lye and everything…

  55. catrontgen +8

    How many of yall have come out to your parents? how necessary did you find it? was it terrible? was it ok? was it good? a monumental disaster? change life entirely as you know it? schism in the extended family? I’m 23 and live with them and I am reaching the danger zone because I feel like I am lying in their faces just by existing in their presence. like, I am going crazy but I am also extremely scared. they will not be happy. I’m not sure if I will be kicked out. im expecting a slightly tumultuous, if civil ejection from the estate so to speak

    I mean it’s not like im NOT looking forward to the 3rd annual mental game of “who will be on my side for this and who will hate me” table scan during family thanksgiving/christmas but

    1. lilsebastian01 +14

      It’s totally fine to wait until you don’t live under their roof to come out to them. They are the ones causing a problem by being unwelcoming of queer folks — you are just being yourself. Good luck!

      1. lemonadefish +5

        Yes, your own safety is the most important thing. If you think they will boot you out, wait until you have a place of your own lined up, if not until you have actually moved out.

    2. coloredlights +7

      I came out to my parents at 18 (involuntarily – my mom directly asked me) and it was very weird for a couple of years. They didn’t kick me out or stop supporting me, which I had feared, but they refused to deal with my girlfriend at all and we had some very tense arguments. It got much much better after a few years and now we are all totally fine and I am married (to that girlfriend) and they’re cool with it.

      Then I came out to my extended family at 28 and have a lot fewer relatives now. It sucks but I am plenty stable enough by now to see that it’s their loss and they can bite me. I’m actually pretty glad I waited so long because I was able to say “look, I’m an adult and I know myself and you are not going to change my mind.” (Also my mother is infuriated with them and I really enjoy her righteous anger.) Which is not necessarily to say that you too should wait that long – telling parents was much more essential for me than telling a bunch of people I see twice a year.

    3. OncoMouse +4

      I think it’s perfectly fine to wait. I didn’t come out to my mom until I was like 26 (and then my extended family didn’t find out until I was 29 and getting civil unioned). Your safety is what’s most important here.

    4. HelloChel +3

      I’m not actually officially out to my parents and I wasn’t out to anyone when I lived at home (until I was 26). It sucked and was hard but my mother is very religious and conservative and my dad once said that ‘Will and Grace’ was the most disgusting thing he had ever seen on tv. I spent a lot of time at the bookstore across town where I won’t run into people who knew my mother reading whatever I could find on queer studies. I took a LGBT studies class at the community college and told my parents it was a basic psych course. I made friends and told my parents I was going to the library when I was meeting them. My extended family is actually pretty liberal so I never worried about them, my mother is the outlier in the bunch. __

      I’m out to my sister and brother-in-law now, and on Facebook, but I’ve never actually said anything to my parents. At least one of them snooped in my room and left a copy of Curve sitting out so I knew someone snooped but neither said anything so I would have to ask them if they had been in my room. I didn’t take the bait. I’m pretty sure it was my mom, my dad’s not that subtle.__

      My mom did ask my sister and my sister said she should really ask me about that. She never did but went through a phase where she would try to passive-aggressively get me to come out so she could either lecture me on my evil ways or make a big deal about being supportive in a ‘hate the sin, love the sinner’ sort of way.__At this point I haven’t said anything because if I don’t say it first I am winning, which is really unhealthy and something I should address with my therapist but frankly she wasn’t a very good mother when I was growing up and has given me no reason to trust her or want to have a good relationship with her.

  56. thelaureno

    Beautiful Toasties! this is my first open thread for a while because of computer reasons. Anyhow, two questions for all y’all:

    1) Anyone in the nola area? if so, wanna meet up?

    2) East coasters, I am in the beginning stages of planning a tour up from Nola to NYC (and maybe Boston?), and I’m thinking March. What is the weather going to be like? Is it going to be wretched and snowy still? Would April be better instead?

    1. longlostlullaby +1

      I’m not in Boston anymore, but I lived there for 9 years. Go visit Boston! But maybe not in March! It will probably still be wet and gross. Like, maybe no fresh snow but still large amounts of dirty snow that melt enough to cause big puddles that you have to walk through but not enough to go away completely. April is better.

      1. viviennestreet +1

        Seconded! I visited Boston in March a couple years ago and while it was fine (that is, the trip wasn’t ruined or anything), it would have been nice to enjoy the parks.

    2. thecaitd +7

      NYC could be absolutely dreadful in March. It will definitely still be cold, so bring a warm coat and waterproof shoes. April is a better bet.

      But the most important part is, come hang out with NYC Toasties please!

      1. thelaureno

        WELL HEY THERE let’s hang out. If you are on twitter, friend me! if not, shoot me an email at lauren dot oglesby at gmail dot com 🙂

  57. winterbymorning +7

    Toasties who are looking for jobs, let us huddle together and commiserate.

    I will be spending the weekend studying, because on Monday I have a 3-hour written exam for a job I applied to. My employment prospects are Not That Great and my current job is up in 4 weeks so the clock, she is a-ticking.

    I’m listed as “in process” for a job I applied for over 2 months ago, and I know there are 1000 things that could be holding up the hiring process, but how long does it take to do an initial screening and let people know they’ve passed the first step? Jeez. I am still waiting to hear back from yet another position – I interviewed in September, it went REALLY WELL and I haven’t heard anything since, even though they said they’d get back to me by the end of October, which for those of you in the cheap seats was A FULL WEEK AGO. So I need to follow up with them, which I hate to do because then every time I get a new email my anxiety spikes at the thought that it might be my interviewer saying, “Oh, we hired someone much better than you. Actually I had forgotten you even existed, LOL BYE.”

    And again, I know there could be many reasons for the delay that have nothing to do with me/my desirability as a candidate, but I get so paranoid, and I end up thinking ridiculous stuff like, maybe I am just absolutely horrible at reading social situations and I think interviews go well but actually they are terrible? Did I have actual human shit on my face during the interview? Maybe they googled me and went through my social medias and saw that I had favourited a silly tweet that they find objectionable because they are humourless office drones? Maybe my former boss who loved me had an abrupt personality change and now hates me and gave them a terrible reference when they called to ask about me? WHAT IS THE HOLD-UP.

    1. aravisthequeen +3

      If they are humourless office drones, fuck working for them anyway.

      Every day I check the job postings for my area and every day I cry and cry because I don’t want to work in fast food, be a truck driver, work on an assembly line, and I am not qualified to be a mechanic or a PSW or something else. Sob.

        1. Steph +2

          Hmm! I’ll ask my librarian friends and Ottawa people and let you know if they have any leads.

    3. Scarlet_Flight +7

      Ugh, that’s so annoying. I’ve had the unfortunate experience during this job hunt to be waiting for a follow-up from an interview only to find that the job I applied for has been re-posted. Like, OK dudes, thanks for interviewing me and promising to follow up, but then actually NOT follow up and passive aggressively tell me that I’m not what you’re looking for.

      Many people, including me, will try to rationalize, “well, maybe they’re taking so long to follow-up or are re-posting for some legitimate and OK reason.” But then I think, Fuck That, clearly something is wrong with these places if they’re making the already-terrible experience of applying to jobs even more terrible. And also not keeping promises, which we learned not to do as small children.

      tl;dr Don’t justify their behavior! You are awesome and they are jerks! And Good luck on the job hunt!

    4. femaelstrom +2

      My contract at my current job is ending in a week. Originally my organization thought they could transition me into another position fairly smoothly (they like me and want to keep me on), but some Things Happened and that’s no longer a given. I still get to interview for the position and I’ve got a strong shot, but there’s every chance that in a week I’ll be back on the job hunt. So…not commiserating yet, but probably soon 🙁

      And of course, right now I have zero time to apply for jobs because I’m working on a freelance editing project that’s taking up my spare time. Sigh.

    5. donkeywork +4

      I was turned down for the library tech job I wanted with “experience” the only explanation. I’d had the job I was applying for for two years, so guh? Then I interviewed and tested for a tech editing job and was so in love with the process I got really invested, only to be turned down with a convoluted impersonal form letter. So basically I hate everything and want to self-medicate with ten pots of coffee, then explode. My primary work is still writing, but it’s not paying enough for me to move, which I needed to do four months ago. It’s like the space-time-employment-housing continuum is digesting me alive. BUT I have faith that you did not have human shit (or animal shit, which would also be bad) on your face or elsewhere, and that we’re having a hard time because it’s hard out here! Not just for the pimps but also circ desk lackeys and those with fancier credentials. Take heart! I still think things will get better, if only because they’re so sideways right now.

    6. chickpeas +2

      True story, I applied for a job over the summer (that I’m 100% qualified for, AND I knew the person doing the hiring) that I only heard back about a couple of weeks ago. So that’s a thing, apparently. I had totally written it off.

    7. ladyimogen +2

      Speaking from inside a university job, months and months of in-process is standard and has nothing to do with you! My current job took multiple months from application to being hired, even though they loved me and wanted to hire me right away. Hang in there! Or perhaps send them singing cards as interview follow-up, that seems like a good strategy too 🙂

      1. winterbymorning +2

        I applied for this job in May :'(It’s so hard to move on mentally because since I know how long the process can take, I can’t give up the hope that I will hear back from them so I don’t have any closure.

  58. rkfire +9

    Guys, I’m just going to share a very strange snippet of a dream I had yesterday morning:

    I’m at the house I grew up in, and I’m upstairs in my own bedroom. Apparently Jake Gyllenhaal (whose name I have trouble spelling) was living in another bedroom, and he was very menacing. I get up from my bedroom to get ready for the day and use my bathroom, only to find that he’s taken it over, remodeled it, and moved in all of these toiletries that remind me of giant bottles of Scopt. I get really upset, realize that I’m dreaming, and I take advantage of this opportunity to do some lucid dreaming by deciding to banish Menacing JG out.

    I do so in a kind of very formal, ritualized style, and he exits he turns into a black and orange tortoise shell cat.

    I spend a good hour of my waking morning being very pleased with myself.

    Toasties, what ridiculous dreams have you had lately? I realize now that this was a missed opportunity to make out with Menacing JG. Also, he was probably Menacing because I had watched Nightcrawler with my husband for Halloween and I spent the entire time creeped out by his character, which A+ job by JG but now I can never see him as attractive ever again.

    1. elsajeni +11

      I had a dream recently that I was arguing with someone about female characters in media, and whether any existing character could truly be said to be a feminist depiction of a girl/woman. Confident in my trump card, dream-me said, “Well, what about Sailor Moon? Sailor Moon is AMAZING!” (awake-me is not necessarily 100% with dream-me on this one, but still). The person I was arguing with snorted dismissively and said, “Oh, sure. Another female character who can hover.”

      1) I was not aware that “ability to hover” was a noted stereotype or trope about female characters.
      2) Also I’m pretty sure Sailor Moon can’t hover.

        1. elsajeni +3

          I thought of this dream when I saw that episode! I don’t think it counts, though, because everyone else is also hovering in green bubbles. She isn’t hovering under her own power, she’s just in a bubble and the bubble is hovering.

          1. Absotively +3

            Ok. But it looked like they basically jumped up to the top of the tower thing, which is practically hovering.

            And she must be hovering during her tranformation sequence, based on the position of her feet.

            And I’m not sure why I’m defending her ability to hover, given that I’d never really considered it before.

  59. anon210 +93

    The election was awful, but I also MET MALLORY on Tuesday, so it’s been a pretty good week, all things considered.

    Here’s me meeting Mallory!

    1. Alli525 +57

      Congrats, you are A Man and she did not set you immediately on fire! You must be one of the good ones 🙂

      1. anon210 +51

        I believe that purchasing The Book cloaked me in a temporary mantle of protection. I should fear to enter her presence without it.

    3. AlisonB +7

      omg jealous! I’m stuck on the other side of the Atlantic. Mallory please do a book tour and come hang out with us London Toasties!
      (also, good shirt)

  60. GreenGrasses +9

    Toasties!! I’m about to start commuting to work via bicycle, and I’d love to hear all of your recommendations for stylish gear and supplies!!

    1. noodge4lyfe +1

      I think that getting hi vis is both stylish right now (yay!) and super important for safety. helmet (obvi) and gloves are pretty important. lights for your front and back. My boo has a light that he clips onto his helmeet that is AMAZING… LED and bright (for lighting your path) and can strobe too. Have fun! Biking is the tits!

      1. GreenGrasses +2

        I’m so glad hi-vis is in right now!! There’s a rain cape with vis stripes that I’ve had my eye on…

    2. lemonadefish +4

      Super-reflective snap bracelet thingy to hold your pants leg out of the chain. Also possibly depending on the nature / speed of your commute, a coffee cup holder.

    3. loren_smith +4

      I just picked up these fun lights from REI that clip into your spokes and make your wheels look like neon lasers while you ride. This http://www.rei.com/product/774213/nite-ize-led-sp…

      and it is just so silly and fun.

      I have been wearing a toque under my helmet, and as a bonus, I can artfully arrange to cover my hair at work, if my hair goes bananas.

  61. seapartridge +8

    I had a hole-up-with-Netflix week, so: Gilmore Girls? Man, I thought I hated Emily, but I really don’t. This is perhaps because she’s a lot like my mother. She’s ridiculous, but I see her has existing in her own world that has very specific rules — unlike Richard, who just picks and chooses rules as he pleases and is generally an asshole.

    1. Billy1490 +5

      I really like Emily, too! I’m on the string of episodes (I think still season 2) where Richard hates his job and Emily is having a rough time so she and Lorelai have been actually getting along pretty well and it is SO GREAT. The episodes where they’re in matching suits for the Chilton fashion show? My sister (who is and always will be my GG partner in crime) and I just diiiied of happiness. Emily dancing is the greatest thing that could have possibly happened for anyone who has ever made, thought of making, or simply seen a GIF.

      Also do you ever feel like everything Dean says is sarcastic and even he doesn’t realize it?

  63. thecaitd +17

    Dancing really helps. It gets me out of my head and reminds me that I am awesome (because I sincerely believe that my dance moves are rad!). I’ve been going to a Nia Technique class, which is sometimes problematic, but usually has the right combination of “free dance and don’t give a fig what anyone thinks” and “relax and pretend you’re Stevie Nicks”. But I also try to jam to Beyonce in my kitchen once a week. Grinding on your stove can be therapeutic.

    1. safvn +3

      Agreed. I feel ten thousand percent better about my body since I started doing Zumba, which sounds like the dumbest thing (and the teacher/gym matters a lot I think) but I LOVE IT.

    2. artsandvice +3

      Yes to dancing. I had a doctor tell me once that it is “the best way to celebrate your body”. I am not normally a dancer of the “flail to EDM” variety, and if that’s you too, consider taking a class in something more structured (I like swing dancing as the music and people are typically great, but salsa tends to attract a high percentage of douchey guys, in my experience).

  64. fcv +2

    Astoria Toasties, let’s meet up! I would be happy to make a Facebook group for those who live in Astoria, Queens, so that we can get together 🙂

    1. thecaitd +1

      Hello neighbor! There is actually already a NYC Toasties group called The Coterie that is extremely excellent. It’s a closed group but you can ask to join, and if you wanted to plan an Astoria event there would certainly be interested people.

  65. jenavira +22

    Toast friends, I would like some reassurance. I’m doing NaNoWriMo, and I have reached the point in my novel where I need to introduce my main character’s ex-lover, and I would like some confirmation that there is no reason why this person should be A Man, even though this is a science fiction novel where all three of the main characters are already Not Men.

    1. SmrtCookie +26

      There are already too many men in science fiction. There is no reason yours needs to have any men at all.

      1. jenavira +11

        Thank you! I know this is true, but my brain is convinced that there is some kind of Man Quota which I am failing to fulfill.

        (Am seriously considering just making this an all-female colony ship, I mean, why not? They can test-tube-baby their way across the universe.)

        3. craftalchemy +15

          Sounds like an excellent idea. Sperm is way easy to store compared to a lot of other things. Although unless that sperm has been very carefully filtered at some stage, there will at some point be second-generation Men. (Which could be very interesting as a plot point! But don’t know if it’s one you want.)

        4. ct330 +8

          Heh. In my NaNo project, I’m toying with the idea that a disease has wiped out most of the men, so like the population is like 75% women, and the men need to stay inside and be protected, while the women run around outside battling zombies.

          So yeah. ALL FEMALE COLONY SHIP. I’m into it.

    3. ladyimogen +4

      No men! You are the boss of this world, you can Ban All Men. Also, NaNo is for having fun and writing whatever you want, don’t put rules on yourself that you don’t love.

    4. katenepveu +1

      I found it surprisingly soothing to read a book recently where I had reason to picture everyone as women. It was great. (_Ancillary Justice_–great book, though the pronoun thing is a bit iffy.) Go for it.

  66. Frenz_lo +15

    Well, he’s fine, but yesterday I slipped down the stairs in my house while holding my not-quite-three-month-old baby, so today I’m stiff and sore and filled with horror at how bad that could’ve been. He’s fine, seriously. Sitting next to me propped in his Boppy pillow, blowing spit bubbles and kicking me. He has one tiny bruise on one of his legs.
    But, Jesus Christ, right? Damn you, sideways house! And damn me for not being more careful.
    I had been tentatively planning to go to the breastfeeding moms’ group at the local expensive baby store that morning, but after that it made more sense to huddle with him on the couch all day. Baby will have to continue waiting to make fancy baby friends.

    1. RoseCamelia +24

      It’s not your fault! I can happen to any parent. It happened to friends of mine. Dad was carrying toddler and slipped going down the stairs. he landed *on* her. Broke her tiny leg. Mom and a neighbor drove her to the hospital. Because this family is African-American and Dad is a very big former football player, he called his father-in-law, a retired cop. FIL picked up Dad and took him to the hospital. FIL had an attorney on the way. Mom, meanwhile, was very careful about how she described the accident at the hospital.

      They came so close to losing their child to assumptions of abuse. This man is the least violent person I know. But, you know, his skin is brown. Damn, it shouldn’t be like this.

    2. llama-j +6

      🙂 I’m so scared I’m going to slip down my stairs while carrying 4-month old Clara–glad to know it’s survive-able! I have wooden stairs and when I wear socks, man are they slippery! I really benefited from a breastfeeding support group, but it was at a Breastfeeding Resource Center not a fancy baby store. I would be intimidated to go to that! 🙂

    3. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

      Ohhhh yes times like that are so scary. But he is fine, and you are sore but fine, and it really is all okay. Deep breaths! Baby cuddles!

    4. Rianne +4

      oh man, horrifying, but it is so easy to do and you are fine and near misses are So Much More Common than actual injuries.

      when I was 12 and my brother was a baby I fell down the stairs holding him. Somehow being young and limber I managed to land on my back with him on my belly. He giggled and was completely fine.

    5. katenepveu +3

      *raises hand* I did that. It was really scary. But we were fine, and you are too. Huddle up today and be comforted.

      (Babies don’t want friends, anyway. SteelyKid is the most social kid I’ve ever been aware of and she didn’t have friends until about 13, 14 months.)

    6. HelloChel +3

      My mom dropped a hardcover book on my head when she was feeding me once. My dad told her that she could only read magazines while nursing or she would have to buy some audio books. She was freaked out but I was fine. Not even a bump.

  67. kilks401 +5

    I have no idea. She had a bad headache, so I didn’t want to question her at the time. But next time she comes in, I’m going to gently suggest she include stuff on Native Americans. I have an entire display of children’s books for Native American Heritage Month!

    (reply to aravisthequeen)

  68. Bryn (Plus Others) +39

    Dearest Toast peoples, I have read your stories of horrible men with great sympathy and outrage and support, and I have always wondered, why do I not meet these horrible men?

    Well, today I wonder NO MORE. A man came to my daughter’s school to talk about cub scouting to the parents, by which I mean he made misogynist jokes about how the boys needed to get out of the house so they wouldn’t be around women. And then afterwards he mansplained Girl Scouts to me! Incorrectly!

    We are all filled with rage and considered very strongly raising our hands and asking him if the misogyny was a required part of the program, but decided that it was not the time or the place. But I am SO TEMPTED to go to the evening info session and make a huge pain of myself there.

    2. Es_Petal +21

      How about writing to the organisation expressing your unwillingness to let your daughter do cub scouting because of this?

      1. Bryn (Plus Others) +24

        That is a very sensible idea, thank you. I think I will. He really was such an asshole, in that old-white-guy way. I didn’t want to stand up at the talk this morning because my son isn’t even 2 yet, so I was not the intended audience (it’s a boys-only thing), but regardless it totally turned me off of the idea of letting my kids get involved in this because I do not want people teaching misogyny to my children.

        1. Es_Petal +9

          Yeah, I can totally see why you didn’t want to derail te thing he was there for, but I think it’s worth saying something. If the other outraged mothers will do it as well (especially if it’s not all on the same day and worded the same) it might have an impact. Boys get enough shitty messages from society that their parents have to try to combat without one more.

  69. winterbymorning +29

    As a companion piece to my earlier complaint about job-hunting, here are a few FREE TIPS from your good friend winterbymorning. I am helping a coworker review job applications for a vacancy in his sector and so many applicants are terrible.

    1. It is 2014 and you have been working in offices for many years now. Your part-time grocery store clerk gig from 1992 does not deserve precious space on your résumé.

    1b. It’s great that you spent a few winters in your childhood years shoveling people’s driveways, but again, that probably shouldn’t be on your résumé now that you are 30.

    1c. Especially if you’re actually going to list “shovel maintenance” as a job duty.

    2. If the job posting lists a number of essential qualifications and says that you must address each one in your cover letter or you will be screened out, and you do not address them, you will be screened out. This should not come as a surprise to you.

    3. When opening with “Please accept my application for the position of ___” for the love of cheetos make sure you put in the right position name.

    3b. IT IS ACTUALLY REALLY EASY to tell when a candidate has put even 10 minutes of work into customizing their cover letter to the job in question as opposed to “I will send the exact same application material to every job opening within 100 miles without even reading their criteria.”

    4. If you have a PhD in (field) and are currently employed in (field) in a mid-level position, and you apply for an entry-level admin job in a totally different field, you should probably provide some sort of explanation in your cover letter.

    5. We have all found ourselves needing to pad and stretch our work experience a little bit in the hopes of attracting the eye of a hiring manager! I am not judging you for this. That said, there is a point where that padding and stretching becomes absurd. If you are applying for an ornithologist job at the Natural History Museum, and you write that you would be a great fit because you saw half a pigeon once, that will not get you an interview.

    6. It’s great that you took an Official Language Test to measure your proficiency in (language). But it’s probably not worth putting on your résumé if you barely scraped through with a passing mark.

    6b. Especially don’t claim to be 100% fluent in that language. Like, dude. Your score is right there. I’ve taken Official Language Test too. I know what that score means. YOU CAN’T FOOL ME.

    1. aravisthequeen +24

      When my work was hiring last summer we got a resume from someone whose resume said “I am looking for work on my family farm but open to other possibilities.” Um.

      1. winterbymorning +6

        I’m a city girl so I don’t know Farm Stuff but what’s involved in looking for work on your own family farm besides going “Hey Dad/Aunt Trudy/whoever, could you pay me to work on the farm, that would be great”?

        1. aravisthequeen +8

          THAT IS THE QUESTION. If it’s your family farm, do you really need to submit an application? And most people I know who have family farms can’t get AWAY from them!

    2. raqueue +4

      My biggest pet peeve is people who have been professionals for more than 10 years and still feel the need to put months on their CVs and resumes.I don’t want to learn that you left one job in June and started another one in August in 2008. All I really care about is the approximate number of years you spent in each position.

      If you were in a position for less than 6 months (unless it was a summer job as a student or an internship or something), and you been working for over a decade, please feel free to leave it off.

      Also, never never never include stuff from your elementary school past the age of 19.

    3. CaroWR +40

      We get a LOT of guys who put ‘Manager of Fantasy Football Team’ on their resume.

      The best one, however, was the guy who, under “Facts” put “I have been a virgin for the past 9 years (2004-current)”

      SO MANY QUESTIONS.

        1. CaroWR +23

          I think so, or based on his age, he had sex once when he was 17 and then never again. Not sure why he felt like that would be useful information for a lab tech job in Cambridge, MA.

    4. Steph +3

      Uuuuugh I am dreading the Official Language Test because my French is terrible and no-one will hire me because Everything There Is Bilingual 🙁

    5. craftalchemy +3

      Oh dear, #1. I work at in university admin, and last year was given the task of rounding up everyone in the department’s CVs to bulk out the Staff section on our website. (Approximately.)

      Academics: if someone asks you for an academic CV, you do not need to include the hotel you used to run; if you have been in the same field for the last forever, you do not need to have a CV that goes all the way back to your entry-level job in 1974.

      1. winterbymorning +19

        It’s like people think they’ll somehow get in trouble for leaving things off their resume, like they’ll apply for a job and the hiring manager will call back and say, “We did a background check on you and found out you worked at Claire’s the summer you were 16. Why did you try to hide this from us? You are obviously untrustworthy and we will blacklist you and tell all our friends to blacklist you too!” It’s a marketing document! It’s supposed to promote you as the best candidate for the job you are currently applying for, not provide an exhaustive list of all the things you’ve ever done in your life.

    7. bookwormV +3

      As part of my job last year I was spending a lot of time researching people on LinkedIn, and was amazed at how badly-written some of them were. One person misspelt “London”. These were mostly law librarians, and attention to detail is sort of a key skill.

  70. seapartridge +3

    Anyone in DC / want to go to a beer festival tomorrow? I just read about three happening tomorrow in the Post, and I like beer, but am sadly not near any of my beer-drinking friends at the moment.

  71. Es_Petal +28

    It’s my birthday on Monday! 37! I have taken the whole week off and have a fun week of STUFF planned – going up to Yorkshire tomorrow morning to visit the gentleman caller, we’re going to a theatre reading of one of M R James’s stories in the evening and possibly the Yorkshire Sculpture Park Sunday or Monday if the weather isn’t grimholes like it normally is on my birthday. (Bloody Valentine’s day conceptions, just rude.)

    Then he’s coming home with me (we live 300 miles apart) for a couple of days and we might go to the Avebury stone circle or some other Old Thing (I like Old stuff), then I have to send him home again but Harry Potter world on the Monday after! Hoping I might not mind going back to work after all that.

    And just because I can, here’s a gratuitous pic of my four year old pony meeting his niece

    Uncle and niece

    and my 31 year old pony escaping from his stable and running riot because he says he can do whatever he wants.

    Escaped from his stable, went to visit Blaze

    3. craftalchemy +2

      Safe journey! I can confirm that it is, as scheduled, bucketing it down here in the Glorious North and shows no particular signs of improvement, but hey. Yorkshire is as Yorkshire does.

      Avebury is gorgeous, as well. I have been there three times, tagging along with a friend’s Pagan group (I am not Pagan, but I like monuments and chanting) and the sheer scale of it continues to do weird things to my mind. Seeing the sun come up over the stones was totally worth getting up at 4.15am to get there. I hope you enjoy it, if you do go.

      In the same region, have you been to the West Kennet Long Barrow? I have been there only once, for the same reason as above, and it was truly astonishing. The acoustics are extraordinary, especially if you can get a few people to sing with you.

      1. Es_Petal +1

        Avebury is one of those places I have been wanting to go to for aaaaages and never quite gotten round to, which is silly as I only live an hour away. West Kennet is the place I thought it was, so we’ll do both when we’re there, probably walk between them. If it rains and scuppers this week’s plans I am definitely going to take a day off in summer and go.

    5. MilesofMountain +5

      I honestly can’t decide if baby ponies or sweet old ponies are cuter. This is a really great conundrum to have.

      1. Es_Petal +5

        Well, Dexter is cuter, but I’ve had Copper for 26 years, so he wins any competition by default. Dexter is a poppet, but he has a very hard act to follow with the old git and my middle-aged one, who is the light of my life and whose name I have tattooed on me.

        I think in the cuteness stakes you’ve got to factor in having your nose sucked by a foal who has no teeth yet, which is just the best thing ever.

    6. bookwormV +1

      My parents went to the Yorkshire Sculpture Park recently and loved it. Have a lovely birthday!

  72. katiemcgillicuddy +3

    HELLOOOOOO SPORTSSSSSSSS

    The NBA is back and that makes me very happy, especially because the Wizards are awesome and I can’t wait til Kevin Durant comes to play for us because then we will be an unstoppable basketball machine.

    The Sacramento Kings introduced the Warriors with the “Full House” theme, and it was hilarious.

    Alex Rodriguez is a sociopath and I kind of love it: http://deadspin.com/alex-rodriguez-peed-on-my-flo…

    The Caps suck.

    Guys, I have to go panic about going to Paris because I am woefully unprepared (but also, this is me bragging, no shame) I won’t be around next Friday, so if someone else wants to start this bad boy next week, please do.

    What’s up with your teams n’shit?

    1. stephanieho +2

      The Blackhawks finally broke out of their rut with the comedy show/5-0 game against Montreal on Tuesday! Woo

      Also I’ve been laughing my ass off at the whole Marc-Andre Fleury debacle. GREAT FOR EVERYONE ELSE, SUCKS FOR THE PENS.

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +1

        A massive grin just crossed my face when you mentioned the Marc-Andrew Fleury contract.

    2. m98widow +1

      I left the Bruins app running on my phone last night and heard it go off several times before I went to sleep, so I was assuming some sort of horrible collapse had happened and they had lost big time but in fact it turned out to be Edmonton that collapsed big time in the 3rd period.

      Also, I saw Zdeno Chara in Walgreens on Wednesday. I didn’t even realize he was there – I bought some wine and snacks and when I was at the register I finally Usual Suspected all the clues around me (line of people in Bruins gear, men in suits, amped up cashiers), turned around, and saw that Chara was doing photos with people. In Walgreens, for some reason.

        1. m98widow +1

          In Massachusetts you can. Or at least in Boston. You definitely cannot do it in Rhode Island (where I live) or in the parts of Massachusetts that directly border Rhode Island for some reason.

    3. StillT +1

      In non-Fleury-related news, I keep seeing ominous alerts about Aaron Rodgers and whether he’ll play and I’m not at all OK with that. The man needs to play. IT’S BEARS WEEK. (Although it could be argued the Bears will beat themselves regardless of whether Rodgers is on the field)

      Also, I’m getting sick and tired of Wings players (especially DeKeyser, apparently) being hacked down behind the play and having no penalty called. Lucic got away with one last year, I’m pretty sure Boston got away with another this year, and Carl Hagelin sliced Danny open just this week and got away with it. Hockey RAAAAAGE.

      1. katiemcgillicuddy +2

        I’m fairly certain the Bears (haha first I typed Beats, and I thought of “Beets, bears, Battlestar Gallactica) anyway, I’m fairly certain the Bears will stumble out of a clown car before the game, wearing the wrong uniforms, at the wrong stadium, so, to quote noted philosopher and Good Football Player, Aaron Rogers, I will simply suggest you r-e-l-a-x. Relax. I think Rogers should be good to go.

  73. merrite +6

    LET’S TALK ABOUT BOOKS

    This week I read “In the Heart of the Sea” and it was really compelling, but also horrifying, and it made me never want to go on a boat again for the rest of my life. (But I am excited for the movie version, which I expect will include significant nautical handsomeness, at least until the cannibalism starts.) I also finally finished Americanah and it was just perfect.

    What are you reading, Toasties?

    1. thecaitd +3

      I’m reading Call the Midwife. I already watch the show, weep during every episode, etc., etc., and I’m still enjoying it immensely. Sister Monica Joan is actually better in the book than in the show, which I thought was impossible.

          1. bocadelperro +1

            As soon as you said it, I figured that it was the source material, I just had no idea that the book existed (and now the next time I watch the show I’m sure I’ll notice it says “Based on the book” in big letters somewhere in the opening credits and I am oblivious)

    2. lilsebastian01 +2

      I read The Lobster Kings on the recommendation of another Toastie. I’d love to talk about it with other people who have read it!

      I really enjoyed most of it — awesome New England women fighting back against sexism in a magical realist art history setting, what’s not to love? But [SPOILERS ARE UPCOMING] I am just sick of rape being used as a kicker plot point. The way the dramatic culminating scene was set up just made the rape feel so superfluous. We get it. Eddie’s a bad dude. Do you need to do that to Stephanie? (PS POOR STEPHANIE, everyone is so skeptical of her and she’s just working her hardest and then she gets raped by a horrible murder drug dealer and they won’t just let her leave the goddamn island.) Maybe this is unfair but I kind of felt like, “oh, yeah, a dude did write this book,” even though I’m sure women write about similar things. Anyway, did anyone else read this book?

      1. Rianne +2

        I did! And I wonder if I was the recommendation, because I did push it on here when I finished it.

        I tend to read novels very uncritically and only notice shit like that afterwards when other people talk about it. But you are totally right about rape as plot point being shitty and overused.

        1. lilsebastian01 +1

          Maybe it was you! I’m glad I read the book overall — it was still quite good. But it’s just like, REALLY DUDE. We gotta do this now? Of course, of course we do.

    3. aravisthequeen +1

      I am reading Little Star, by the author who wrote Let The Right One In, and so far I’m not too keen on it. THe premise is creepy and I’m interested in it, but the, like, second chapter had the protagonist bash his girlfriend’s knee to bits with a crowbar for cheating on him. I’m pretty certain the premise it’s setting up is “This guy is just godawful,” but I have CONCERNS. So.

      I’m also waiting for Yes Please! to come in from being on hold, and I’m listening to One Summer on my commute, which is so awesome.

    4. jenavira +3

      I am FINALLY reading Evil Librarian, and yes, it is just as delightful as the ads made it look. I was delayed by Echopraxia, which is Peter Watts’s new book about why free will doesn’t exist and mindless aliens are going to out-compete us all, so you know, that was delightful.

      Oh! And I finished Bad Feminist last weekend. The next person who visits me is going to get it shoved at them repeatedly until they agree to read it.

      1. aqueousmedium +1

        I’m half-way through Echopraxia and really enjoying it, but I keep thinking, “Baseline human guy, you are not making a very good case for yourself.” Also Watts’ take on vampires is frigging terrifying.

    5. stephanieho +4

      I’m reading two books… Pale Fire by Nabokov and The Good Lord Bird by James McBride.

      I’m not sure Pale Fire is supposed to be funny, but I personally think it’s hilarious. The narrator is an oblivious black hole of crazy- it feels like I’m reading an internet trainwreck thread.

      1. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

        Pale Fire is SO funny. (I have not finished it, I should find it again.) I am pretty sure it was supposed to be. The only other Nabokov I have read is _Despair_ and it is really funny too in the same morbid way.

    6. Es_Petal +7

      I have just burned my way through everything I could find by Gail Carriger, entertaining steampunk supernatural adventure stories.

      1. bocadelperro +1

        Isn’t she fun? I’m halfway through her latest book, which came out on Tuesday. I’m probably going to finish it this weekend.

    7. WanderingDancer +4

      I just re-read The Night Circus. Since it’s the beginning of November and after Halloween, I wanted something atmospheric and magical but not spooky. I know that its plot is basically non-existent and Marco is a jerkface, but the descriptions of the settings just make me so very happy.

      1. longlostlullaby +3

        I loved the Night Circus! Mostly for the descriptions of the circus. I want to go to a magical black and white night circus so badly. If I ever have the money to throw a big professionally planned party, it may very well be a Night Circus party.

    8. BobbieWickham +4

      I AM CURRENTLY READING IN THE HEART OF THE SEA. They have only just been rammed by the whale, so it’s not looking too dire yet.
      Nautical handsomeness is my very favorite genre. If you haven’t read any of the Aubreyad novels by Patrick O’Brien, you’ve got to. Start with “Master and Commander.”
      I started Robert Goddard’s “Hand in Glove” but abandoned it after a chapter or so because I was hoping it would be P.D. James-y but it is not, it is very inferior. What other authors are P.D. James-y? The main qualities I look for in a book are murder, sweaters, cottages, London, references to classical literature, and incest that turns out to be a red herring.

      1. merrite +1

        The whale ramming the ship is scary in its own way, imo. Whales are so big! They could just eat you on accident and not even know it!
        I haven’t read any of the novels but I have seen the film of Master and Commander, which I enjoyed very much.

        Your main book qualities are exemplary and you have great taste.

      2. jenavira +2

        I am seriously thinking about an Aubreyad reread. I mean, it’s not like I have a million new books to read or anything, right?

      3. MoniqueAC +1

        Re P.D. James-y type writers: My suggestions — which are random writers whose names arose in my mind when I thought “PD James-y” — are Ruth Rendell, Minette Walters (although more psychological), Colin Dexter and Caroline Graham (although she has not written many, and none for a while — however, the TV series based on her books, Midsomer Murders, is awesome and currently on Netflix, at least the Canadian Netflix).

    9. actualmeg +2

      I’m re-reading Shirley Jackson because it feels appropriately gloomy and seasonal. Also I am reading a million academic journal articles for class and various research projects and I don’t know if I have room in my brain for anything else right now.

      Sadly, I am still only two-thirds of the way through Hild even though I started it ages ago. It keeps staring at me from my shelf reproachfully.

    10. sausagedog +2

      I’m reading The Likeness by Tana French at the recommendation of someone on Toast. It’s quite good! I’m trying to savor it, not just gulp it all down in one sitting.

      Just finished: Wolf in White Van by John Darnielle, which was v. v. John Darnielle so I sad-enjoyed it quite a bit.
      Up next: Autobiography of Red by Anne Carson. I’ve read much of it but not in order and not all at once. I expect it will depress and inspire me in equal and great amounts.

    11. twoburgers +1

      I just started Don’t Look Now by Daphne du Maurier because I adore Rebecca and this collection comes up a lot in lists of the scariest/most unsettling stories of all time, which I’m all about.

      I just finished reading Prince Lestat, Anne Rice’s first vampire story in like 10 years! Did any of you read it? I really enjoyed it. Teenage Goth Alyson, like a vampire, will never die and just wants to live in Anne Rice’s world forever.

    12. Rianne +1

      I have been reading comics and romance novels and porn lately. It has been great.

      Saga and Lumber Janes, both excellent, then a friend loaned me some superhero comics that she promises are entry-level. Rocket Girl is about a time-travelling teen cop and was great fun, and I have a few more left!
      Eloisa James and Courtney Milan and Sherry Thomas are the romance authors making me happy right now, I love fluffy and steamy romances that I can read in a few hours.
      Also rereading Laura Antoniou’s Marketplace books, because sometimes a girl just wants to read about a hidden consensual slave trade operating under our noses. And because Chris Parker is one of my favourite fictional characters. Also, these books are sexy as hell if you like that sort of thing.

      1. laylapalooza +1

        Oh, I love (love love love) Courtney Milan. I think she is one of my favorite writers in the world – her blog is so smart and wonderful and her romance novels are fabulous.

        And I just read Sherry Thomas’s YA novels – The Burning Sky and The Perilous Sea and they were both really good! I find her romance novels touch and go but these were great.

        Anyway, any romance novel recs?

        1. Rianne +1

          Oh, I am waiting on The Perilous Sea from the library right now!
          I don’t have any specific RECs, I have a tons of Courtney Milan on my ereader right, I’m pretty new to her but I like it so far

    13. MilesofMountain +1

      I just finished The Once and Future World which was sad and beautiful and completely hit all of my “I love this book” buttons. That’s not bad for a non-fiction science book!

    15. notebook-keeper +3

      I read the whole “Hunger Games” series this week for the first time because I am very very late to everything. (I watched both movies on Netflix for the first time in the past month or so.) They were exciting! I read each one in a night. I am now ready for the 3rd movie!

  74. Annie +3

    HEY TOAST! First time commenter/regular reader here: I have a JOB RELATED question! I’ve been at the same job for the past few years (arts administrator at a great little museum), it was my first outta college. I’m live in a very small (3-miles long to be exact) Massachusetts seaside town with a seasonal (summer resort) economy: most businesses are open from May-October, my boyfriend’s restaurant being one of these. I enjoy living here and I like my job (<3 my boss, which I know is extremely fortunate), but I’m feeling the urge to move on. I don’t want to make this town my primary home because a) there are limited job opportunities, and b) the rent is too damn high. However, I love my dude very much and he’s gotta biz to run, so we’re in this conundrum of wanting to move elsewhere (in New England/the Northeast), but needing to be here from May-ish to September-ish.

    THE QUESTION: are there any jobs, aside from teaching or working at a winter resort, that get the summers off? Specifically related to the arts? Say, for instance, at a college’s art gallery? Is this a total pipe dream, or is it at least vaguely achievable??

    1. allanaaa +4

      Colleges are slower in the summers, for sure. But you wouldn’t get that time off — you’d just be more bored at work.
      Performing arts venues tend to go “dark” over the summer, which, depending on your job position, means you’re either off work or doing paperwork. You could probably arrange to do that remotely?

    2. spring chickens +2

      Yeah: performing arts space might work, college art gallery definitely doesn’t. They are open for tourists & prospective students, faculty doing work, etc. etc., and they do a lot of cataloguing and planning during the summer.

      Nobody in colleges gets the summer off — they just do different work. sigh.

  75. ppyajunebug +3

    Here’s a random question: any Toasties going to the Society for Neuroscience conference in a week-ish?

    If there’s enough of us, we could have a lady scientist meet-up!!!

  76. MilesofMountain +21

    I think I might be buying a house? Well, what I mean is my boyfriend and I are about 98% sure we’re going to put an offer in on a house tomorrow. Given that we are both really really terrible at making decisions and are really cautious people, this is a big step. I’m trying not to freak out.

  77. lilsebastian01 +10

    Also, any other Minneapolis Toasties following #pointergate? Basically, our (awesome) (white lady) mayor is being accused by a local news station and some police officers of “flashing gang signs” because she took a picture with a young black man where they were pointing at each other, while doing Get Out The Vote doorknocking in North Minneapolis.

    This article sums up what’s going on pretty well. It’s pretty ridiculous and just makes me love Mayor Hodges more — she’s posted several pictures of herself pointing at people and things on her social media accounts.

    1. lilsebastian01 +1

      Also Navell, the young man in the picture, is by all accounts a badass organizer with Neighborhoods Organizing for Change, which is an organization I really respect. You can see the video the image is from linked in Professor Levy-Pound’s article.

    2. MolyGrease +2

      I saw some articles about this on facebook this morning. It so so outrageous and the news reporter has been so obstinate when he was rightfully called out. The news station’s response to the controversy was pretty lack luster too.

      Have you seen some of the images people posted in response? There’s an E.T. one that cracked me up at work.

      1. lilsebastian01 +2

        The Creation of Adam is probably my favorite one. Also Blong Yang made a great compilation of pictures of Mayor Hodges pointing at a variety of things and people.

  78. Scarlet_Flight +23

    So, I’m slowly discovering my queerness rather “late in life” (mid-twenties) and it’s super exciting/weird/scary! I read a lot of “Ask a Queer Chick” on the Hairpin last night and was comforted by all the questions from people in similar situations. It’s been tough and annoying to feel like I have to “prove” it to myself, which is ridiculous because I know that no one worth being friends with/dating will care. I’ve told a few friends that I’ve been interested in dating ladies for a while and they were nothing but supportive and it was totally not a big deal. So, I’m hopeful!

    Anyone have stories about being a late-blooming queer girl?

    1. lilsebastian01 +11

      Me! I am! I came out as queer this summer and I’m 25. It’s weird! I always thought I was straight and progressive, but nope, turns out also into ladies! Totally hear you about the “proving” it but I’ve found that it just kind of doesn’t matter. Everyone is happy for me and no one’s been like, “um are you sure?” I feel like I kind of have Queer Lady Impostor Syndrome sometimes, but mostly it’s fine! I also came out on facebook because that’s how I roll, which has been great because I just had to do it the one time.

      1. bookwormV +1

        I did that! I talked to my boyfriend and sister first, but then on Bi Visibility Day posted a link and followed up with an “I might be bisexual” disclaimer. It got lots of likes, plus comments from my mother about the concept of sexuality and defining oneself by it. (Positive comments.)

    2. perianwen +6

      *hand raise* I was 23/24 when I finally clued in. It was, by and large, fine, everyone just pretty much rolled with it. One gay boy at the youth group asked the proverbial ‘but how do you know if you haven’t yet?’ and I have had the tiniest amount of biphobia, but otherwise? No big deal at all.

    3. super_novice +19

      ME! I came out this fall. And now I have a girlfriend. It was fast and cute and I am happy! I kind of feel like I just never noticed I was gay or I assumed that my attraction to girls fell within the normal range for ‘straight’ girls (I live in a progressive west coast city; talking about ladycrushes is normal amongst my ‘straight’ girlfriends). But then I suddenly realized I had a huge crush on a girl and SHE was definitely into girls and I was like “rad.” And then I seduced the shit out of her and now we hold hands and stuff. So! It works!

      2. bookwormV +3

        How do you even know whether what you’re feeling is “normal” for straight girls? I wonder about that a lot. Started to suspect recently that maybe what I felt wasn’t, especially as it has included kissing girls.

        1. bookwormV +3

          (“But surely everyone watches the same episode of Friends twice in a row when it’s on E4 and then E4+1 so they can see an actress they think is very pretty in her few minutes of screentime!”)

        2. daisicles +2

          Sometimes I just think it comes as a bolt to the head. Just the realization that the feelings you have for that pretty actress are actually a lot more like your feelings for the pretty actor, for one. If you were straight, they would be different, right? (Probably?)

          Then again…who knows? The language we use to talk about these things gets confusing, at least to me.

        3. super_novice +2

          I feel like if you’re wondering about it, maybe that means it’s not a straight feeling! Also, one piece of ask-a-queer-chick advice that worked for me was that you can go out with a girl a couple of times just to see what happens! People break things off after a date or two all the time for all kinds of reasons – if yours if “hmmmm maybe I do not want to get closer to her heart and/or private bits” that is completely legitimate and fine.

    4. daisicles +7

      Yup, me right here. I had inklings that I was bi in high school (a lot of confusion over my thoughts about the first chair saxophone player, mainly) but I didn’t really admit and accept it until I was about 27.

      I only quit thinking that I had to prove it to myself within the last year or so. It’s hard, dealing with internalized weirdness. Other people can be weird too and I already know that I don’t want to come out to certain people in my life, but getting over my own insecurities has been the hardest thing for me.

    5. Rianne +8

      I only stopped feeling like I had to ‘prove’ my queerness after I hit a point where I totally had. I’ve been sleeping with the same lady for 2 years and it has been less than two years of full embracing Queer as one of my labels. so, can sympathize with that.

      I spent years moving from straight to ‘heteroflexible’ to bi to queer. I’m 28 now and a happy queer chick. I have been with the same guy since I was still straight, so I think that helped to slow me down. and kind of made me think if I came out properly I’d then have to explain my relationship and justify it and it wasn’t worth it. Now my comfort level with everything is so much higher and I tend to go out of my way sometimes to let my queerness shine through. I am doing my best to reject the easy heteronormativity that comes with dating and living with a guy for this long.
      Pretty sure I judged myself way more than anyone else ever did.

      Edited to add:
      In retrospect I was totally into girls forever, but I processed those feelings weirdly. I would meet outgoing redheads and think “wow, I feel a connection to her. We should be best friends!” Never figured out that maybe if I wanted to be close friends with every redhead I met it might not just be a friendship thing.

      1. super_novice +9

        Aha this is exactly how I felt. Like, I thought I just was REALLY into being friends with the occaisonal girl. Uh, you have a crush on her. You do not just want to be BEST FRIENDS with every tall brunette you see.

    6. katenepveu +8

      I came out as bi last year, when I was 36; I’d known for a while but it had been a long, slow realization. So you’re not even the latest bloomer here!

    7. bookwormV +4

      Me! I am 24 (25 in two weeks) and very recently talked to my partner/sister/friends for the first time about how I really think I might be bisexual, and have been wondering about it for years and years, but really don’t know, argh. But I am trying to embrace it and be more open. (Everyone has been completely matter-of-fact about it.)

  79. Steph +1

    They’re both on the list already. I’m sorry — I should’ve been clearer! I have a few from antiquity already, it’s the 0-1700ish range that’s lacking.

  80. actualmeg +7

    I’ve been playing a human rogue in a campaign for the past year or so, and I love it, but sometimes I’m like “MAN I WISH I COULD DO MAGIC THINGS HOW DO YOU EVEN KILL SOMETHING IF NOT BY STABBING IT.”

    ETA: This is supposed to go in the D&D thread, but when I posted it appears to have shown up as its own thing. Does this comment-unthreading thing happen to anyone else or am I just broken? 🙁

    1. BourneApprox +11

      It happens constantly, but mostly to posts which look AMAZING when they are separated from their mother thread.

  81. BrandyPunch +21

    I can’t figure out how to log into my usual Toast account. Oh well. It had my real name attached anyway.

    Block-walked so hard on the fourth that I collapsed with puking dehydration on the fifth, and have still not fully recovered.

    All this is immaterial. The Toast article about Amazons reminded me that that, per my Friend in the Navy, many higher ups in operations firmly believe that there is a secret Lesbian Cabal trying to take over the Navy and sissify it.

    me: but that’s real, tho, right?
    him: no.
    me: the secret lesbian cabal is making progress
    him: the secret lesbian cabal is not real
    me: it’s too beautiful not to be real.

    BELIEVE

  82. hugpunch +85

    Hi Toast, this photo is an outtake from my engagement photo shoot and my ladyfriendfianceeperson and I have decided we like the 1990s-JC-Penney-catalog-model look. Probably goes without mention, we smiled in the rest of them when we actually knew the photog was taking pictures.

    1. paddlepickle +27

      I’m kind of loving the not smiling. It looks like you two got engaged at the very beginning of the Zombie apocalypse and are determined to make it through together.

      1. hugpunch +12

        We HAVE been watching a lot of Walking Dead, so maybe that’s where it came from. And we’d totally survive.

    2. bocadelperro +15

      You guys look adorable and my initial reaction before reading all the way through your post was “1980s catalog pictures? What an awesome idea for a silly engagement shoot!”

    3. aravisthequeen +18

      I actually love that. You both look like you’ve seen something really displeasing and you’re just….not interested in taking any guff right now.

      Which is hilarious because the background is all “beautiful fall! La la la!” and your expressions are NOT.

      1. hugpunch +6

        That expression on my face (I’m on the right) is how I actually feel about getting my photo taken, so it was pretty accurate.

    4. winterbymorning +16

      This looks like it could be a still from a future season of True Detective, and I mean that in the best possible way. Ladyfriendfianceepeople investigating murders in the woods!

      2. sausagedog +4

        My exact thoughts. Even though I’ve never actually watched True Detective. I’d still like a TV show with betrothed detectives investigating occult crimes against the background of a New England-y fall.

      1. hugpunch +1

        Thank you, I literally laughed out loud when the photog, who sits next to me at work, showed it to me.

  83. BourneApprox +1

    So I was going to finally start playing Fallen London recently, so as to join all you cool kids and to distract myself from the INTOLERABLE wait for Dragon Age: Inquisition (eleven daaaaayssssssss).

    Good call that Failbetter’s apparently making a Dragon Age game which should come out in the next week, then? Dragon Age: The Last Court.

    Also, if you were not looking forward to Dragon Age already, I am going to tempt you with this video of Vivienne. Ice-cold Lady Mages of Color grinding silly men under her lovely high heeled boots FTW.

    Look, just give both of these games to me now, please.

    1. ChloeKEvil +2

      VIVIENNE

      SHE MIGHT ACTUALLY REPLACE AVELINE AS QUEEN OF MY HEART I CAN’T DEAL WITH HER

      OR MAYBE THEY WILL RULE IT JOINTLY THAT WOULD BE FINE I JUST

      WHY CAN’T I ROMANCE HER THIS IS UNFAIR

      1. BourneApprox +2

        Much like Varric, I am afraid that she may be out of the Inquisitor’s league, hehe. Gonna run a female Inquisitor with Varric, Vivienne, and Dorian for “Team Let Me Love Yooooou.”

        1. ChloeKEvil +2

          I’m pretty sure there is not a soul in Thedas who is in her league but I would worship at her shrine.

          I think my first playthrough is going to end with me romancing either Iron Bull or Dorian. I’m planning to play a male qunari mage, so either one would be interesting! I haven’t decided on my party members, since they all look delightful.

          1. BourneApprox +2

            I can’t wait for her to make fun of my clothes.

            I’m almost certainly going to start with Iron Bull for my first romance, since I always go for the “funny” characters, and I’m playing a female qunari mage and thus won’t have access to Cullen and his stupid handsome face and fluffy cloak. But after that, I have no clue who to go for. Stupid sexy Dorian or Cullen? Make an elf and go for Solas? Black-horse candidate Blackwall? Or the three absolutely awesome ladies? (Cassandra you are so very badass, but Josephine is so fancy and delightful, and Sera is an asshole but in a good way.)

          2. ChloeKEvil +2

            Cullen is so stupidly handsome oh my god I’m so mad. Did you see him and Dorian playing chess? I kind of ship it.

            I wonder which romance is going to end up my OH GOD I SHOULDN’T DO THIS AGAIN LET’S TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT romance. I’m sure there will be one! But there’s soooo many options…

            Also have you played The Last Court yet? I killed a boar! And got Carver Hawke drunk and learned secrets!

          3. BourneApprox +1

            Cullen plus Dorian, you say? :O *Fans self!*

            There’s been rumblings from the writers that, like in DA2 and ME3, some of the characters may hook up if you don’t romance them. Smart money is on Cullen w/ Cass or Josephine, but I really want it to be Dorian plus Bull. (Although the tumblr anger from Cullen dating ANYONE except the Inq is almost too amusing a prospect to pass up.) Cullen would be the “not again!!” romance if he weren’t race gated. Maybe it’ll be Blackwall as a surprise?? He’s the companion I know the least about, and they’ve only recently revealed that he’s kinda hot:

            Okay, that’s enough gifs for me. I just finished playing a little bit of The Last Court, and it’s really fun so far! The writing is lovely, and Morrigan showed up! Actually, your game sounds exactly like mine so far, regarding boars and Carver drunk secrets, hehe. Now I gotta figure out how to obtain a lover for my Scholar, hmmhmm. My Dignity is currently at 0, which is a bit of a problem.

    2. octopoda +2

      There is also a Fallen London based game on Steam that is Early Access, called Sunless Sea. I haven’t bought it though.

      Now I’m excited again for Dragon Age… I need something new to play. Already getting bored with Civ: BE.

      1. BourneApprox +2

        I’ve looked at that a little! I have a personal policy against playing Early Access games, but it’s on my wishlist for when it’s finally finished. It sounds a little bit FTL-ish, which is relevant to my interests!

        I’ve been working my way through The Wolf Among Us (Wolfamongous!), which scratches my need to make dialogue and plot decisions. The Last Court will help too. Gotta finally finish replaying Mark of the Assassin for one last character, too.

        1. octopoda +2

          I’m leaning toward that policy myself after a few too many disappointments. But I may make an exception for this one.

          Thanks, I’ll check out those other games!

          1. BourneApprox +1

            Warning that at least three of those games are Dragon Age DLC or related, so they may just increase the longing. ^^

            Beyond Earth is boring, then? I’ve decided to hold off on it until the first expansion pack is released (and because I’d heard similar mutterings of boredom). As an FYI, apparently Endless Legend is an excellent Civ-type game. Same kind of deal as Civ V, but Fantasy-themed, and with lots of different civilizations with asymmetrical abilities (one race, for instance, can’t declare war, but can control trade and engage in cold wars, while another is a set of cultists building one mega-city). Very pretty too – one of my friends has been having a ton of fun with it. Divinity: Original Sin is also really really awesome, if you’re in the market for a good turn-based RPG with awesome combat and delightfully silly writing.

            Also, this is my chance to put in another plug for Hatoful Boyfriend if you haven’t already played it. <_<

          2. octopoda +2

            Well, for one thing I’m not a huge Civ fanatic, so in general the games can feel a bit long and slow to me. I like the theme and the fact you are starting from an advanced setting. The main problem I feel with BE is that besides militarily conquering all the opponents, all the other victory conditions do not really require any interaction with other players / AI at all. You just need to research to win pretty much for every other victory.

            I have heard recommendations for Endless Legend before and it does look pretty, I may have to check that one out. I like the idea of asymmetrical abilities (In BE there doesn’t really feel like too much difference between the 3 affinities).

            I have Divinity: Original Sin and found it very enjoyable, in fact I played a second playthrough immediately after beating it the first time which I almost never do.

            If you ever want to play any multiplayer Steam games I think I’m project2501 on there, or I might be listed as teuthida.

          3. BourneApprox +1

            Awesome – thanks! 🙂 I tend to mostly be super-shy and private on Steam, and mostly confine myself to single-player land, but if you ever get a message from a small grey cat icon, that’ll be me!

    3. Angelan_ +3

      I’m crying into my broken computer bits. I have no idea if I’ll have it up and running in time and Vivienne is so coooool. WOE.

        1. Angelan_ +1

          I got a new graphics card (asus r9 270x). For some reason I can’t understand, the ASUS r9 270x is incompatible with my motherboard. If I had picked the SAPPHIRE r9 270x instead (and I picked basically at random), then everything would have been fine. And I’ve had it more than 14 days, so they won’t take it back. I’m going to have to sell it on eBay and hope I don’t have too big a loss. Bleeh.

          1. BourneApprox +3

            Holy shit that sounds so incredibly frustrating. I love PC gaming to bits, but stuff like that is why I can’t fault ANYONE for preferring to game on a console instead. Before I upgraded earlier this year (to new mobo, CPU, and the Sapphire R9 270x, coincidentally), I had an issue with my old motherboard where, for reasons unknown, the computer would not POST when it started up. Instead, it went into an infinite boot cycle. We solved this by never, ever turning off the computer and installing a UPS. Restarting involved pulling wires in various random directions and tilting the chassis at an arcane angle.

            In short, much hope and sympathy, and FUCK YOU PC GAMING (jk I <3 u PC gaming).

          2. Angelan_ +2

            I could get a new mobo (that’s what asus tech support told me to do “test it in another motherboard” as if I would just have one lying around!), but it honestly seems way too complicated for me to install one. I think I’ll probably make my money back on the asus (I bought it on sale, they’re going on eBay for more than I paid now, so…), but I’m really scared that I’ll get the sapphire and it inexplicably won’t work. This has already been such a frustrating process, if I didn’t already have so many games for PC I would definitely be looking into a PS4 right now!

          3. octopoda +2

            I will never abandon PCs but yeah, they can be frustrating. I’ve always built PCs (with my dad usually) but it seems each new one has its own quirks for unknown reasons. My current one likes to blue screen and restart, but almost always only in the middle of the night when I’m not actively using it. So weird.

    4. coloredlights +3

      Holy crap 11 days. In my head it is still not actually November.

      …Guess that means I need to spend all weekend finishing DA2! Darn.

      1. BourneApprox +2

        Yeah, it’s US Thanksgiving in less than three weeks, and that is NOT COOL. I thought it was still summer. 🙁

        It occurs to me that I never played the Leliana-specific DLC from the first game. Guess I gotta get on that too!

  84. anninyn +3

    I don’t wanna put this on you but I’m alone in the house and none of my friends are online and I can’t find a helpline in the UK that doesn’t involve speaking on the phone and I’m feeling

    kind of

    it’s not great

    3. anninyn +1

      I keep thinking like I should kill myself. And I don’t want to, but I can’t stop thinking it. And the only thing that’s stopped me hurting myself is that the cat is on my legs and I don’t want to scare her.

      It’s not been this bad in a year.

      1. aravisthequeen +17

        Owl Queen, you must be hurting so much right now. Please don’t. You are a very, very, very valued person here, and we want you to be the happiest, safest version of yourself you can be.

        We are all here. Are you on Twitter as well? Many many Toasties are listening, I swear.

        1. anninyn +3

          I am, but I’m not logged in right now.

          My husband is late home, too, which is probably just because he’s stopped off in some shops, but my brain is in full-on catastrophise mode right now, so he’s obviously been hit by a car and is dead and now I have no money and will have to sell the house and put the cats in a rescue and move back in with my parents so it’s probably best to just end it before the police turn up.

          It’s like there’s a wicked, cruel thing in my head that hates me and wants me dead and I have been working so, so hard, been a good crazy person, taken my meds, gone to therapy, exercised, eaten well, done all the good things that are supposed to keep this at bay.

          I woke up feeling a little low this morning, but nothing out of the ordinary, and at lunchtime surprised myself by saying out loud ‘I should just die’ and it’s been getting worse since.

          1. alicia +9

            We are here for you. I have no advice to give that you probably haven’t heard a million times, but I am listening and want to hear.

          2. aravisthequeen +10

            Dear friend. I am so, so, so sorry to hear that you are suffering so much right now. I am very confident that your husband will be home soon, but I know how difficult that can be to hear.

            That wicked, cruel thing in your head is strong. Which is terrible. You are doing everything right, and you are doing a good job at it, but it’s terribly, infernally strong. I don’t want you to hurt yourself.

            Some of these places say they have webchat or text available if that’s an option? http://www.getconnected.org.uk/get_help/harming_y… http://callhelpline.org.uk/ (text option) http://www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/useful-links/cate…

            And right now https://www.imalive.org/

          3. thecaitd +13

            I know this is really scary. But remember that you don’t have to do everything your brain says. You are permanent, and you exist as a solid, unique, loved being outside of those thoughts. You wouldn’t do such amazing work to care for yourself if you weren’t that valuable, cared-for individual. Those efforts are not wasted, you did them to shore up your strength for times like these.

      2. CleverManka +4

        Oh, honey. Here for you and so sorry to hear you felt like this. Very glad your husband is home to comfort you now.

      3. RoseCamelia +9

        Your cat is doing a good job of protecting you from those evil thoughts. Please continue to avoid scaring her. And avoid scaring us. You are valued here. Just as you are. Always. No matter what your brain tells you.

      1. anninyn +17

        thank you.

        My husband is home now, so I think I’m going to cuddle him and talk to him and hopefully I can be distracted long enough that it passes.

        2. elsamac +4

          I’m so glad your husband is there now with you, and remember that even when he isn’t, we are here—somewhere, on Intense Debate or Twitter or somewhere—to hear you. And jenavira’s chat-based hotline is a good resource. One way or another, there will be someone who can tell you the truth: that even in the hardest moments, you deserve care and support.

          Thank you for reaching out. You are valuable and worthy of care, and on some level you know that, because you did reach out today. You’ll get through this.

    6. paperbgprincess +6

      We’re all here and listening. I hope your husband and your cats are comforting you right now and we’re always here when they’re not.

    7. anninyn +16

      I just want to thank you all for being so kind, even though you won’t see it. My husband cuddled me, fed me, gave me junk food and sat me down in front of trashy scifi.

      My mood is still low, but not dangerous any more. You helped carry me through the most risky stage of this temporary suicidal moment and I’m very grateful.

      1. laurenipsum +2

        I’ll see it! I’m usually hanging around the open thread throughout the weekend because this is my favorite place. So if you want to talk more just come back here and I’ll see it. OR you can go to myusername dot com and there is an email address there that you can use to reach me. I am glad you have kitties and cuddles and junk food and trashy sci-fi and a caring husband. <3 <3 <3

      2. ppyajunebug +1

        I just came back to check this and I’m so glad your fellow Toasties were able to help and your husband is with you safe and sound.

        We all value you and want you around here so please come to us again any time you need it. You matter to us.

      3. bookwormV +1

        I’m very glad you’re feeling a bit better. Take care of yourself. I hope your cats give you lots of snuggles.

  85. lil_gary +2

    THIS IS FOR CATOCLOCK. Ugh, Intense Debate y u hate me?

    I’ve had luck with Old Navy compression tights (though they lack a drawstring, so might not work for you) and Target’s C9 line. I have a pair of C9 knee tights that are be-drawstringed and I know they have full-length tights as well, though I can’t vouch for their waist bands!

  86. winterbymorning +19

    Also, I just want to say I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the new Taylor Swift album. And not even in an ironic, internalized-sexism “it’s good for a pop album” kind of way. I legit love all but 2 or 3 tracks on it and I’ve been listening to it all week. It’s awesome.

    1. catoclock +4

      It’s so good! Blank Space is my favorite track, I think. The New York song is garbage but the rest of them are great.

    3. ballisticjaguar +1

      I will have to listen to it then! I similarly loved her last one (and bought the deluxe album, which has an acoustic version of State of Grace which is my favourite and I listen to it a lot).

    4. actualmeg +1

      I bought it the day it came out, listened it to it from start to finish, and went, “Eh. Not as good as her last one. A lot of the songs sound the same.”

      Then I listened to it when I went running two or three times and now I’ve had it CONSTANTLY STREAMING in my head involuntarily for the past week and okay, Tay, you win, you are the princess of earworms, I yield.

      1. catoclock +1

        I am PRETTY BUMMED about the whole Spotify dust-up even though I think T Swift should do whatever the fuck she wants, because I pay for Spotify Premium largely so I can use it while running and I can’t even put any Taylor Swift on my running playlist and it’s terrible.

        1. actualmeg +1

          Oof, I know. On the one hand I’m impressed by her use of such an extreme power move–which looks like it is working in terms of getting people to buy more of her back catalog–but on the other hand I feel slightly betrayed.

    5. femaelstrom +4

      I forget what other music sounds like because I have listened to nothing but 1989 since 40 minutes after it debuted

      I love Taylor Swift and I feel absolutely zero shame

      What are your favorite tracks? Mine are Shake It Off and Bad Blood.

      1. actualmeg +1

        I like Blank Space and Style a lot, but also I Know Places, which I’ve heard getting some shade thrown at it because…idk, as far as I can tell people think it sounds like something that would be on the Hunger Games soundtrack? I fail to see why that is a bad thing.

        Really the only songs I’m not crazy about are I Wish You Would and that godawful New York one. (Although I am okay with her decision to donate profits from that song to NYC schools.)

    8. laylapalooza +2

      No. It’s the best. ::has on repeat::

      I think the only one I don’t like is Wildest Dreams.

  87. paddlepickle +11

    My parents paid for all of undergrad (I haven’t been to grad yet but they can’t help with that), and it’s the #1 thing I’m most grateful for in my life. I do have some guilt about it, especially because while I did use the degree towards my career working for social and economic justice, I also had an easier time getting a fancy position doing that than other people who weren’t able to take unpaid internships, or even get a degree. . .and that on some levels is doubly fucked up. That said, it wouldn’t have done the world any good for me to take on debt when I didn’t have to. I try to be grateful and humble about the opportunities I’ve had and do what I can to make the world more just for everyone.

    (This was meant for the person whose name I am too lazy to go back and look at asking about parental help with tuition. Though I’m kind of enjoying the impression that I just stopped by to brag to everyone about how I have no debt).

  88. lemonadefish +9

    Got to go home and tidy up in preparation for a whole rugby team crashing on my floor tonight & tomorrow!

    3. RoseCamelia +2

      Um. Rugby team. The term brings to mind … well, not “tidy”. The aftermath of “a whole rugby team crashing on my floor” will be far from tidy as well. Why are you tidying then? I’m asking for a Lazy Person.

      1. lemonadefish +4

        They came last year, and actually left the place much tidier than they found it! They even offered to mop the kitchen, which they hadn’t dirtied. We are just going to clean the toilet and shower, and vacuum the parts they’ll be sleeping on. Should only be about an hour’s work, if I can ever manage to put down this baby…

        1. RoseCamelia +3

          ooo! I’ll hold the baby. You do the tidying while I hold the baby. That’s the ticket. Perfect Lazy Person scenario.

  89. tekkah +13

    Hey Toasties what would you do if there’s a thing going on in your life where you don’t want to say anything about the thing in your own life but your favorite blog has recently posted articles to which you are having visceral reactions because of said thing going on in your life and you want to be able to talk it out with others but to do so would mean discussing the thing going on in your life?

    Eh, fuck it, I’ll discuss it here. Please for those few of you who know me IRL and for those of you who follow my public accounts (twitter, blogs, tumblr, etc) don’t mention this anywhere yet?

    So I’m pregnant. I’m about nine and a half weeks in, which is why I haven’t yet wanted to discuss it anywhere public (thinking I’d go more vocal about it after Thanksgiving, which would be right about 12 weeks), but all the stories lately about weird birth stories and crazy things ignorant pregnant women say about changing your RH factor and chewing on placentas stopping hemorrhaging and all kinds of other nonsense… I have lots of anxiety around reading these types of posts and would really like to hear the flipside, like personal anecdotes about pregnancies that went well, birth stories that aren’t also designed to make people cringe and read from behind their fingers, so on. Can those of you who have gone through pregnancies help me out with that?

    I know it can be harrowing and not every pregnancy is smooth and easy but with all the freaky stories about uterine ruptures and all that being posted around lately I would really love some less-traumatic sounding stories to read as well.

    1. hurdyburdy +5

      I’ve never been pregnant, but my mom had two completely uncomplicated pregnancies and two straightforward vaginal births with epidurals with labor lasting less than a day. The worst thing about her pregnancies was having to give up caffeine when she was breastfeeding because it didn’t agree with my sister. Also, I’m confident she didn’t give her placenta a second thought once it was out of there.

      2. cuminafterall +4

        Same with my mom, except five (five!) instead of two. One of my brothers was born at a civilian hospital in Germany with a stern German… nurse? midwife? (I was 7 at the time and not focused on those details) presiding. Apparently it was an entertaining experience.

        My sister had Braxton-Hicks contractions for about a month and gave birth 3 weeks early. Everything else went smoothly. As soon as she was allowed food, she ate a Big Mac.

        1. tekkah +3

          Considering how much I’m missing sushi, I’m thinking I’m gonna have a giant order of nigiri when I’m allowed food… also the stern German nurse sounds fun. Thanks for sharing!

    2. thebellewitch +7

      Congratulations!

      My first pregnancy was without complications. I had a lot of anxiety about labor, as does everyone, I think, and the exact same responses to birth stories that you describe. People with dramatic and scary stories are always more likely to tell them, and sometimes those of us with boring stories keep mum because you don’t want to seem smug, and what is there to tell anyway?

      So here’s my yawner of a birth story: My water broke at 12:30am. I had mild, menstrual-cramp-like contractions for the rest of the night. Got up in the morning and they got stronger and closer together.

      Went to the birth center, they found meconium in the amniotic fluid, which comes with a 10 percent risk that the baby will aspirate and need NICU care. So we had to transfer to the the hospital. I didn’t really care because active labor tends to make you not care about much. Transferred during transition, had some mild annoyances due to having to answer health insurance questions and get IVs and shit while I was trying to ride out contractions. Not really a big deal though, because I was 10 cm dilated and knew this wouldn’t go on much longer.

      Never felt that inescapable urge to push people talk about, but eventually my doula and the nurse brought out a birth bar and I got in a squatting position. Pushing took maybe an hour, and I recall disliking it because it was hard work, but I don’t recall it as particularly painful. The moment of the birth was incredibly awesome.

      I had a 2nd-degree tear, which is pretty normal, so the doctor stitched me up and told me I was boring. Everything healed up within a month to six weeks.

      I got OOPS pregnant again one year later and am now 24 weeks along. If it tells you anything about how not-bad labor is (barring complications, obviously), I plan to go without pain meds again, despite how fresh this all is in my mind. (Another obvious caveat – pain meds are fine and great if you want them and no, they don’t always lead to a cascade of interventions. I have a friend whose epidural-assisted labor story is as boring as mine, but involved more playing games on her phone instead of breathing through contractions. If my second labor goes sideways for any reason, I’ll certainly take a little manmade help.)

      ETA: I forgot to mention – it was a 17-hour labor total, but really only about 8 hours of that were intense.

      1. tekkah +3

        Thank you for sharing! I kind of wonder how many of those “I had a horrendously long labor” stories are like yours, where it was long in total but only a section of it was truly intense.

    3. aravisthequeen +5

      I actually recced this up thread somewhere, but I love reading Mommyish even though I’m not pregnant or having any kids. They have tons of posts about “It Happened To Me” where what happened was, like, a totally normal birth with/without drugs, whatever, everything was fine, etc. The commenters there are also great and super welcoming and idiots get smacked down quickly. It’s very much a “You are the best person to decide whatever for you,” and it’s definitely worth perusing.

      1. tekkah +2

        Oh, thanks for the rec! I’ll definitely take a look at it. Sounds like the commenters are exactly the type of people I need to be reading.

    5. stirringsofconsciousness +4

      I am in the same boat as you (I’m a couple weeks behind you, actually), so thanks for starting this thread. I kept staring at the posts this week and going “is the Toast deliberately fucking with me?” and I couldn’t share the posts with my friends because I’d let something slip and then they’d know!

      best wishes to you, and I hope everything goes as smoothly as they have in the above stories. <3

      1. tekkah +3

        Aw, same! Best wishes to you in your pregnancy as well! I’m glad the thread is useful to you, too. I was starting to think the same, that the Toast was messing with me.

    6. Frenz_lo +10

      Congratulations! My pregnancy was remarkably straightforward. I had a little morning sickness in the first trimester, and my feet were somewhat swollen towards the end, but otherwise, nothing super arduous. Winter clothes and my hearty and stout pre-pregnancy build meant it was a long time til I was showing, and some customers didnt catch on til i was about 8 months. My labor was fast. Contractions recognizable as such started at 3:00 PM one day, and I had my little guy by 10:20 PM, after arriving at the hospital at 8:00.
      I had been hoping for an unmedicated birth, and got it. Contractions and pushing were intense at times, but breathing and vocalizing helped. My baby was born healthy, and I had no tears that required stitches. I have not had major issues nursing, and my baby is growing and gaining at a prodigious rate.
      I don’t tell my birth story that often, due to the “Congratulations. How wonderful,” of it all, but sometimes, pregnancy and birth go fine.

      1. tekkah +2

        Thanks so much for sharing! The “it went just fine” stories are exactly what I want to hear right now, so this is great.

    7. deleted2997279 +5

      CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!
      A small human has never grown in my uterus, so I have no help to offer you, but all of my love and best wishes for you and your MiniScandyhoovian!

      1. tekkah +3

        Thank you!! It’s kind of wild to think, “Right now I am literally building another person.”

    8. robotneedslove +5

      My social circle has got a serious case of the babies! They’re like mushrooms, popping up everywhere.

      Birth stories vary, but all of them, even the slightly nervewracking premature birth, have resulted in lovely fat happy babbbies who gurgle along at dinner parties and poop their pants just like they should, and moms who seem happy and well adjusted and dads who are pretty much IN LOVE and OVER THE MOON.

      ETA: Oh also! My sister was born when I was four, and took like 20 minutes, and while it was a bit traumatic for ME, it was totally easy peasy for my mom.

      And my mom is a GP who only “catches babies” (ie specializes in maternity) and has a million stories and PICTURES (teenage me was not happy about those pics around the house) of happy births, and believes birth can be healing. Congratulations! Maybe you will be healed by pushing a tiny human out of your vagina, real talk.

      1. tekkah +3

        20 minutes! That sounds like your mom had a mythical fairy birth or something, considering you usually hear hours and hours!

        I can’t wait for the happy gurgling pooping fat baby part of this. The whole pregnant part is just a weird process that produces that part 😀

    9. catfoodandhairnets +7

      I had a baby 2 years ago. I was a person who disliked babies in general, being out of control, and gynaecologic things in particular. It was fine. I went into labor naturally, got an epidural at the first possible frigging minute they would give it to me , as was my plan. Everything went swimmingly, but anatomically the kid got stuck and I ended up with a c-section, but that wasn’t so bad either. I breastfed successfully and went back to work and pumped and it was slightly a pain in the ass, but not too much. I still dislike the cost, lack of freedom etc, but like my kid a lot. You’ll be fine.

      1. tekkah +1

        Thanks for sharing. It’s nice to hear even with something considered a complication you’re pretty chill about it and all that, it’s helpful to hear.

    10. mmejoy +12

      Congratulations! I hope you’re doing and feeling well. When I was dealing with some anxiety early in my pregnancy, my doctor pointed out to me that, if you see a healthy heartbeat during your 8-week ultrasound, there is a 98.3% chance that you will walk out of the hospital 32ish weeks later with a healthy baby and a healthy you. I found that number very comforting. I liked those odds.

      I had an almost entirely boring, uninteresting, perfect pregnancy. There was one point where I was measuring smaller than I should have been, but it turned out that I have awesome, baby-smuggling abs and everything was fine. That was literally the worst thing that happened the entire time, as I had to wait a few days between finding out that I was too small and having an ultrasound to confirm that there were no complications.

      Eight days past my due date and with my keen consent, my doctor decided to induce. I got to 10 cm, ready to go, mostly while sleeping (yay for epidurals), and still nothing. I pushed for three hours, which was more fun and more interesting than I thought it would be, but still no kiddo. So I had a c-section. I was up and walking around just fine less than ten hours later and off pain medication of any sort within a week. I bottle fed and didn’t breast feed. I have a gorgeous, brilliant, talkative, funny, tough, amazing 2.5 year old daughter. I wish you all the best.

      1. stirringsofconsciousness +5

        Your doctor is brilliant and this is the most anxiety-relieving story I’ve ever heard about pregnancy.

      2. tekkah +4

        Oh man, your doctor is so helpful. Just reading that stat just brought me all KINDS of calm, as I definitely saw a healthy heartbeat at 8 weeks and oh man. Thank you so much.

      3. rhymeswitheight +3

        Oh my god I read too fast and thought you were eight weeks past your due date, not eight days. Almost cried.

        Congrats on your great kid 🙂

    11. heartstillatwar +1

      Congratulations! I’ve also never been pregnant, but my mother delivered myself and my two younger siblings with relatively little drama. I was probably the worst, since I was a breech baby and had be delivered via C-section. But my mom and her doctor had a plan before hand and they gave her the gooooood drugs, and much like Lorelei from Gilmore Girls, she decided to name me after herself!

      Wishing you an easy and happy pregnancy!

      1. tekkah +1

        Thank you! My mother had 3 c-sections so all of her stories are about how she didn’t have to do any work or go through labor so it’s not exactly helpful, unless I somehow end up having to have a c-section as well.

    12. katenepveu +1

      Congratulations!

      Two pregnancies, two kids. Had a scare with the first because we didn’t realize how inaccurate the first trimester screen is (I don’t know if they’ve improved it since, or are better about explaining it), but it was nothing. Two C sections when they refused to come out, which was not what I wanted but not _traumatic_ either, and the recovery was startlingly easy, and the kids are awesome.

      It is super hard not to read horror stories, so I sympathize. (A friend had a miscarriage early in my first pregnancy and yelled at me for reading her post about it.) I’m glad you asked for counter anecdotes, and if you’re looking for reference material, shout.

      1. tekkah +1

        Thanks! I had a gallbladder removal through my belly button two years ago and I was told by every last medical professional that I saw that the pain involved in recovering from the laparoscopy was actually worse than that of a c-section because of the placement of the incision and all that, so I feel like I’m prepped for THAT possible outcome… it’s the vaginal birth that scares me, at this point. It’s all so abstract. And everyone’s like “it’s just a day and then you get a baby after!” so that’s a thing. You are so right about it being super hard not to read horror stories, though. It’s SO HARD.

    13. paperbgprincess +4

      Congratulations!

      I have not had a baby nor have any of my close friends. I was my mom’s second, and I was a scheduled C-section, so I am pretty sure she didn’t even start labor because they just yanked me out at the appointment time.

      Our friends have a funny story about when i was born. My parents moved to a new state one week before I was due. The neighbors saw a heavily pregnant woman moving in, and the mom and 5-year old daughter made brownies to bring over to our house. They came over and rang the bell and when no one answered, they shrugged and went back to their house and ate all the brownies. The next weekend they made more brownies to bring over, and a lady with a little baby answered the door! That time they finally gave away the brownies.

    14. lemonadefish +3

      Congratulations!

      I had a pretty basic pregnancy. I was surprised by how tired I was the whole time – there was no “second trimester honeymoon,” and I gave birth before I had a chance to do any nesting, so I pretty much accomplished nothing the entire time. That was disappointing, but good training for my husband to start doing all household tasks. My ankles started swelling up around 27 or 28 weeks which was annoying, and my nose ran the whole damn time, but otherwise it was fine. With the judicious use of Zofran I did not barf once.

      I woke up in the middle of the night with a very menstrual cramp feeling at 33 weeks. I called the nurse when the office opened, and she wasn’t concerned by the timing and intensity, so I went to work. I continued to have mild contractions sporadically all day (like, no one else even noticed even if i was talking to them during one). Around 4:00 they got much closer together (ten minutes I think), so I called my husband to come take me to the hospital. He went home for phone chargers (I will always regret not having him get pillows as well. If you need to seek any sort of medical treatment for anything, bring your pillows!!) and we get to the hospital a little after 5:00. What with triage and shift change, it was after 6:00 before anyone paid much attention to me, but I was still just having mild cramps. They gave me demerol, which I hated, and a bunch of saline, and I think a muscle relaxer, none of which did anything to slow contractions. I was at 3cm this whole time. Since the contractions weren’t slowing, and it was seven weeks early, they went ahead and admitted me. We really just hung out for a couple hours – my husband pushed on my back during contractions, I rolled around in the bed. Then around 11:00 the nurse checked me again and I was at 6cm, and she was all, welp, I guess you’re having a baby now! And I was all, shit. DH called my mom, who hopped in the car and drove 3.5 hours. The contractions were pretty intense at this point, but never anything that made me think I should have drugs or wish it wasn’t happening or anything. Somewhere in here (don’t know if it was the 6cm check or a little later) they found that my water was bulging (baby was not in position yet) and so I was made to lay still on my left side, no standing no rolling no nothing, which was super annoying. My mom was there by 4:00 or so, and by this point I was saying fuuuuuuuck during the contractions. Around 5:00 it was time to push. The doctor was somewhere else, and the nurse is all, no pushing! and I’m all (*&^&%^#$#@$@#^$%&, because not pushing is terrible. Then he showed up and did not care at all what position I preferred and was generally a dick (on call dr, not my regular dr). I pushed for ten or fifteen minutes, and got two stern talking-tos in this time (for being bad at it, and yelling instead of pushing) (we had missed the last of our birth classes, wherein pushing was practiced, on account of it was the night before and I was sitting in triage. We took Bradley method classes, and they were very helpful, especially for my husband, who will not read a book.). Then a baby came out of me! She was tiny and greyish and they would not let me hold her, which was way way worse than when they would not let me push. She was totally fine though, APGAR 8-9. But still they took her away because she was so early, and then the dr started trying to pull my placenta out, and we’re all, cut it out, asshole, and he’s all, I have other patients to see too you know! and we’re all, fine go away we don’t want you here anyway! so he went away for a while, and then the nurse is all, you can’t go see your baby until about an hour after you deliver that thing, and so I’m all, fine, yank it out, let’s try not to make me hemorrhage or anything though, ok? and they did, and I didn’t, and it was fine. I tore just the tiniest bit – not enough to stitch. It hurt for about 15 weeks which kind of annoyed me, but I am a very slow healer, so I guess it’s not surprising.

      I sat down to write this as a non-harrowing story, but I’m not sure it actually came out that way… Perhaps the moral is, all the little bits probably don’t even matter? IDK. Baby is great now, sitting up and throwing toys and pooping all over everyone. Oh and I did have my placenta encapsulated – I was waffling on it, but I figured I can always not take the pills, but if we toss it out, I can’t change my mind. I took them for a while, and felt pretty mellow, and then kind of stopped, and then got really anxious and started taking them again and feeling better. Placebo? Who knows. I would do that again though.

      Babies! So lovely and cute, even if they smell like poop and old cheese (seriously why do people always talk about nice baby smells? Babies don’t make nice smells. As soon as you clean them, they cover themselves in barf and poop instantly).

    15. craftalchemy +2

      I have never been pregnant, but I have four younger siblings and was present (OK, standing outside my parents’ locked bedroom door wondering what in the hell was going on and being certain only that I Should Not Open The Door) for the births of two, so maybe this will help?

      My mum has had five kids, three in the hospital, two at home. She was over 30 for four of those births; my youngest brother was born when she was 41. The most complicated thing that happened to any of us a) a little gestational diabetes when she had me, and b) my older younger brother (#3) being two weeks late, so they induced. But it was fine and he is now 18 and still late for everything even now.

      Also, mum spent less than 12 hours in active labour *total*, across all five births. The 24-hour labour horror story most definitely does not happen to everyone!

  90. BobbieWickham +8

    My favorite thing in the whole world is giving Christmas presents. This is not from any altruistic feeling on my part, but rather because I am SO DAMN GOOD at choosing presents, and I love being worshiped and adored for this skill.
    So it’s weird for me to be in November and not have all my Christmas presents selected. I’m still missing ones for my middle brother (a fun-loving scamp) my middle sister (a kindhearted bulldog who will be graduating nursing school in January) and my baby brother (a sophomore in college, and a dweeb. Last year he asked for lapel pins for Christmas, and I got him a Coolidge & Dawes campaign button from the 20’s. He almost cried).
    Anybody have any ideas? What’s the best present you’ve ever gotten? What’s the best present you’ve ever given?

    Also, enjoy this dadness: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4O9OCrkSLzs

  91. Rianne +3

    Going to my favourite conference this week. Playground! The tagline is “Let’s talk about sex! And…Non-monogamy/BDSM/Gender Identity/Allyship/Intersectionality/Sexual Health/Porn/Feminism/Sex Work…and more!” – that’s a condensed version.

    It is run by a good friend, takes place in my city and we rent a hotel room, have a lovely lady join us, and spend the weekend having fun, having sex, and getting lots of brain candy.

  92. femaelstrom +15

    I told the girl I like how I feel (via text, because I am a coward). She didn’t respond for three days, during which I went into a Sadness Spiral (don’t skip your antidepressants, Toasties! especially when something sad happens to you like a girl not answering your text!!). I figured I’d scared her off, but she finally replied and said she’d just seen my text and was very sorry for not responding sooner. She says she likes me a lot, but isn’t sure in what capacity just yet – but that she’d like to keep seeing me. I’m not sure how optimistic to feel, but I am so happy I didn’t scare her off entirely!

  93. figtreecooking +3

    FULL COVERAGE UNDERWEAR. Mine have all shrunk because even when I lose weight they creep up my butt. (I lose weight everywhere but my ass.) Brand recommendations??

    1. projectbeks +2

      After long and harrowing trial-and-error stages of life, I finally decided that I can only buy Gap-brand underoos. They actually fit, they don’t ride up, and I get the hipster kind, so they cover my (not insubstantial) bum. They are not low-cost, but I wait until they have a sale, and then I load up, even if I don’t think I need any, because they last FOREVER, and are cotton, so they breathe (which, yes, always, forever breathable undies). So that is my 2 cents on the Fight For a Covered Bum/Bits.

    2. grandma_nancy +1

      Every few months I go to Victoria’s Secret and buy a new set of their 5-for-$26 cotton undies. I think they call the ones with full coverage “bikini”? Or maybe something else but you’ll be able to tell. They have a lacy part at the top but the rest is all cotton and very comfy, and they always have fun colors and patterns if you’re into that.

    3. thecaitd +1

      American Apparel boy shorts! They don’t have elastic, they just sort of hug your pelvis and make your butt look amaze.

    4. Beakses +1

      My most recent underwear purchase were the incredibly fancy Hanes Women’s Ultimate Cotton Stretch Bikini, which oddly felt a little on the tight side when I tried them on but don’t creep up AT ALL. I am convinced this is because the leg hole is tighter than my other underwear, so the fabric stays anchored to my legs and does not creep up my butt.

      I also have some Maidenform somethings (possibly their Comfort Devotion bikinis?) that have very flat seams and satisfy my desire to make some sort of token gesture towards avoiding VPL without wearing thongs, which are not my thing. They are also comfy and stay in place.

      Oh, and if you like pretty lace the Target Gillian O’Malley ones are super comfy but run a tad on the small size.

  94. alicia +4

    I have briefly mentioned on here before that I have a friend who is A Man and who wants to start a business with me. I’ve been leery of it because although we have worked well together in the past and get along well he has been stereotypically male in how he shares acclaim and cash in the past (i.e., not well and only when prodded). Last night he said he would put up all the cash and still give me equity. I’m thinking I could dictate my own terms at this point, so tell me: what demands should I make?

    1. Absotively +18

      I don’t know what demands you should make, but I’m pretty sure you should insist on getting all his promises in writing. Possibly in some kind of agreement that a lawyer wrote. I’ve been reading a few startup things lately, and verbal agreements on how to split things seem to often lead to problems.

    2. paperbgprincess +9

      You should definitely get something in writing with a lawyer. A few different friends of mine have had serious headaches trying to separate (some amicably, some not) from people they’d gone into business with. Sooooo much easier when everything’s written down from the start!

    3. robotneedslove +7

      Thirding the “get a lawyer” thing – and get your OWN lawyer, first, without talking to him about it, and talk to your lawyer about things you should ask for, because your lawyer will know some of the kinds of things that come along later. Make sure you get a decent lawyer – ask around for recommendations.

      Caveat: This advice provided by a lawyer (not, obviously, legal advice).

  95. stirringsofconsciousness +14

    Dearest Toasties, I am coming out of my mostly-lurking state because I have a question that is very relevant in light of this week’s posts: I am “in an interesting condition” and have informed my spouse that there is a ship on the ocean, etc.

    It is very early, too much so to announce to family and friends (especially because I have a family history of miscarriage in first trimester), but I am in need of support and advice. So, are there any recommended online support groups or boards that are not terrifyingly full of unassisted birth stories and people who are anti-science, or are they all full of fire and people telling you not to get your flu shot (which is terrible advice!)?

    2. aravisthequeen +6

      Congratulations!

      I am not a parent, but Mommyish.com is a lot like the Toast for feminist, “you are the best person to decide your own course of action,” etc. type stuff. They are very welcoming and open to whatever is best for you, and I love reading them and the comments even though I’m not yet a parent. The comments are generally awesome, and when idiots come around they get roundly smacked down.

    3. Lily_Rowan +5

      I have not been in this position myself, but I have heard some revised advice about who to tell and when, and that is: Tell the people who you would want comfort from if it doesn’t work out. I thought that made sense.

    5. lemonadefish +2

      Congratulations! I enjoyed my monthly birth board at babycenter, but more in a reality TV sort of way…

  96. ramina +12

    Also! Last weekend I went to Home Depot with my dad (because this is PRIME DAD territory and I wanted to observe them in the wild, and also I needed some mold killer and new blades for my sawzall) and my dad totally got into a dad-off with one of the employees. They kept trying to talk over the other. I was in awe. GO DADS

  97. Bothari +1

    Hey all! I have two newbie questions. First, an in-joke question. I’ve been reading back through the archives (and loving every minute of it), and I’m sure I’ll find the answer eventually, but…creed arms?

    And a housekeeping question: Intensedebate won’t let me create an account, because I already have one in WordPress, but WordPress is blocked at work. Can I just keep being a guest for the for the time being?

    Thanks!

  98. deleted2997279 +23

    Toasties I got two “hey ladies” emails yesterday!! One of them is organizing bridesmaids for a dear dear friend of mine and she is lovely and a joy and a delight, but other, OH, the other – besides the fact it was from someone who I had hoped forgotten I existed, it included the least-humble humble brag I’ve ever seen and in HER PERSONAL EMAIL had a bizarre signature quote about leadership. Something about how true leadership is when people follow you even when they have other options?? There are ALWAYS options, my friend, some of them are just distinctly less palatable than others, and I am exercising the option to not get brunch with you so, you should get hopping on those leadership skills stat.

    1. paddlepickle +17

      I had a Hey Ladies thread going on this week, where everyone was pretty pleasant but it was my group of college friends who are way more ‘hey ladies’ than I’ll ever be if you get my drift, and plans were being made to have a Girl’s Night Out in some wretched Manhattan location and it took me really a ton of resolve to not suggest brunch at Bagatelle then not show up.

  99. bird_internet +2

    Does anybody have advice regarding adult ADD? I always thought this would abate as I got older or at least I would get better at managing my stuff, but I’m starting to realize that it’s really not happening. The past few weeks I’ve been working on a project with a colleague who I don’t know very well and who wasn’t familiar with my, uh, unique working style. And this week after I lost/forgot about/showed up late to one too many things he freaked out on me and basically told me that I suck at my job. Luckily I managed to patch things up and that project is all wrapped up. And my normal supervisor is more understanding and is someone I work well with. But the more I think about it I realize that I am kind of bad at my job, that sometimes the people I work with are too accommodating of my poor behavior. I ought to have figured out by this point in my life how to not routinely show up late to things, or how to not lose every piece of paper that’s handed to me. And it’s hard to get serious about changing it, because I am so deeply ashamed of this stuff that I can’t even think about it too hard without panicking and getting emotional.

    I am already on medication that’s moderately helpful, but I’m not doing any sort of therapy or whatever that might help me improve my time management and organization skills. I don’t even know where to start. Self-help books? Some sort of app? I have a shitty record of remembering to use planners and things like that.

    1. Absotively +1

      I don’t have ADD, but I do have trouble focusing sometimes, and I’ve used an iOS time management app called 30/30 that had a lot of reviews that said it was helpful for folks with ADHD. It is useful for doing work/break timers. It’s very easy to change the timer lengths if the one you start with is too long or if things are going well and you think you could focus longer. Also you can have complicated loops of timers where you take a long break every few breaks, or you work on one thing for some time and then on a different thing and then have a break.

      I have an Android phone now, and I haven’t found a great replacement for 30/30, but Timer Loop is mostly close enough.

      1. bird_internet +1

        Thanks! I have an android but I was thinking that some sort of elaborate timer system might be what i need. I have a lot of trouble keeping track of how much time is passing and thinking about how to break up my time into units, so I may just need my phone to bother me every 20 minutes.

    2. houblonchouffe +1

      Timer app, yes, but have you discussed with your doc? I’m about to go back on meds and this is hitting super close to home.

    3. Räven +4

      I had a LTR relationship with a gentleman with adult ADD, also I work in education and we deal a lot with “executive function disorders” like yours. There are some interesting somewhat practical books (I enjoyed “Fast Minds”, & I will look to see if I can remember others I have liked, because I have read more than I liked). Millions of adults are living with these issues and most of them were not given the tools to handle them. I think a lot more is known now than even a decade ago.

      The main advice everyone will give re: scheduling, honestly, is find a system that works for your brain, and just bond with it – most likely, primarily, use an app and just learn *never to forget* to open it. (Yes, so easy for me to say.) Digital planners are always with you, sync across devices, and have a clear graphical view of the *duration* of events, which are all good things. If you tend to drop/miss a lot of random small things in any given week, find a daily pattern that groups a lot of things together and gets them done and out of the way in a rehearsable sequence and a known block of time – then you’re never more than a day off if you miss the routine, and if you learn that your daily morning stuff that you think is about three hours reguarly takes six hours, that’s good to know.

      With your calendar that you’ve learned to bond with (!) enter everything in it, and also enter its prep requirements, especially for things that aren’t part of the regular pattern. For a Thing like a Presentation, figure out the More Things which By That Time will already have been done, and put the doing-time for those things in the calendar as well as the Thing itself. Set an alarm to go off for the events you truly need to show up for. Have few enough of those alarms that you will really pay attention when they go off (different from a pace-making timeboxing alarm, which you should definitely also try.) Etc. Similarly find a single, simple system for papers, and there especially you may find some books helpful for very practical suggestions so that things don’t vanish and you are already packed before your alarm reminds you to head somewhere. (“ADD-friendly ways to organize your life” is a popular one, ymmv; books tend to have a lot of from-the-life examples and you may recognize your patterns in some of the stories.)

      If you can deal with this idea, try asking someone if they’ll be your informal coach. Personally I am good at time estimations, scheduling etc. It is in fact easy and fun for me. You may have a colleague who would find it not onerous to sit with you for fifteen minutes sometimes, prioritize, estimate and schedule some things for you. Or a friend, if this is also a challenge in your home life.

  100. rkfire +3

    D:

    We’re at the bottom of the AFC North. On the flipside, the Browns beat the Bengals. I don’t really have any ill will towards either of them but I find that outcome very delightful.

    [this was meant to be in the sports thread…]

  101. Girl Named Jack +7

    I have a career-related question/topic. It’s kind of about ambition, I guess?

    Until recently, my default position on work was to strive to be the best – go the extra mile, Be All That I Could Be, etc. etc. I mean, not in a crazy way – I wasn’t taking work home or anything. But it was just assumed that Being Adult meant that I focused a lot of energy on my career, you know? Going after conference presentations, volunteering for committees – that kind of thing.

    Last few years, though, I’m realizing this job is just a job. It’s not my calling. I have no desire to leave it and do something else, nor do I plan to just start slacking off. But what if I just, you know, do the job without the extras, you know? It feels weird to just decide that doing “good enough” is good enough. Kind of like how, if you want to be early, but you end up being on time, it still feels like you are late.

    I’m not expressing this terribly well, but does anyone else feel this way?

    1. cait0716 +12

      This is more or less how I feel and have felt for many years. And people do not understand what they see as a lack of ambition, when it’s really just that my ambition is focused elsewhere. It’s mostly a thing that comes up around performance reviews, because in five years I would more or less like to be exactly where I am right now. My job pays me well enough to buy as many books as I can read and I have time to hang out with friends and family and write. It’s a nice little life and I’m content with it. There’s a lot of pressure in this society of ours to always be striving towards the next big thing, to want more. Society says to do what you love and follow your dream and pursue your passion and all of that nonsense. But I really don’t think there’s anything wrong with defining yourself outside your job.

    2. Es_Petal +9

      HELL YES. My job is the thing that pays for me to do the things I care about and that fulfil me. I do it very well, but I don’t give two shits about it, ultimately. My vocation was working with horses, but 1) it pays dreadfully, 2) it is very cold and miserable in winter and I am too old for that any more, and 3) after having a bad accident I realised I needed a job that came with things like health insurance, and also that I could do from a wheelchair if I broke my neck again and was less incredibly lucky, so I retrained before my degree was too long ago for anyone to care about it.

      I don’t do any extras – computer goes off at 4.30 on the dot every afternoon (barring genuine emergencies – not the ‘lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part’ kind of thing) and I am out on a horse by 5.15. I’ll do overtime if they either pay me or give me time off in lieu, I don’t log on early to check emails when I’ve been off. My work life balance is marvellous (other than actually having to work and not being a lady who lunches) and since I stopped caring about work and stopped letting myself think about it at all outside office hours, I am so much happier.

    3. Scarlet_Flight +6

      I think I sorta know how you feel. I’m currently job hunting and thinking a lot about how I just want a 9 to 5 job, no weekend work, and that’s it. Of course I want to be doing something I like, even if it’s not necessarily my ***Passion***. But I also think it’s cool to be like, “Yo, coworkers, I can’t help on this one because Wednesday nights are when I volunteer/do hot yoga/have a standing happy hour with my bff”.

      A lot of supervisors I’ve had really struggle with this and I think most WANT you to set good boundaries for yourself. It’s definitely not healthy to invest so much of yourself into your work, and it’s totally fine if work is for paying bills and you receive fulfillment from what you do on the weekends.

    4. CleverManka +8

      Yes. My job is just the way I pay my bills. I am really, really good at it, but once that clock ticks 5pm, I am outta here and I don’t give it another thought until 8am the next work day. I do just enough extra work to keep me from getting bored, and because I’m really really good at my job, I get more done in a workday than most people do in three.

      That’s not to say that I’m better or worse than ambitious career-oriented people (my beloved). Just, my job doesn’t fulfill me, and I don’t need it to.

    5. eastcoastanne +5

      OH YEAH. Totally me. My ambition is a secure job, where I make decent wages and don’t have to work overtime. I don’t want to be the head of a company – I just do not want to put that much time into something. My job is not me, but supports me.

      I get great performance reviews- I don’t even think my boss knows how much more I could do. But he doesn’t need to know.

    6. robotneedslove +11

      Yeah man! My job is a pretty ambition-based one, so it needs a balance, but I like to think of it as “leaning out”. Need a volunteer for a dumb committee that won’t help me reach my target this year? Nope! Find someone else. My personal time, family, sanity, etc, are all too valuable.

      I actually think it’s a feminist act. Unless Going the Extra Mile is getting you major credit and more money, then it is just a way for your company to exploit more from you. It’s the second shift, at work.

    7. lemonadefish +2

      My life got way better when I started not giving a shit about my job. I mean, I try to do a good job on my project,s but I don’t get tortured if I don’t do a great job, and I don’t put in 50 or 60 hour weeks just to do a slightly better job than I can with a 40 hour week. It’s all been fine!

    8. shucksmahoney +5

      Some of the best advice I’ve ever got: Give 80%. Then you have 20% left over – for your real passions, for self-care, for Toast Posts, etc – and also some fuel in the tank for when things get bad.

      This idea has helped me on a practical level, for getting rid of the ‘got to do this perfect!’ timesucks, but also in a more meta way – I’m not hugely ambitious myself, and always felt pretty shite about that, then I realised I could instead use it as a model for balance. To flip it, most of the really ambitious people I know are fascinating to observe – they’re doing them, but they’re clearly made of different stuff from me – I recommend paying attention to them like an anthropologist would; it breaks down the idea that this is the only way to be.

    9. viviennestreet +3

      (I kept looking for a good comment to reply to and I guess this is as good as any THANK YOU FOR THE TOASTCARD! It’s very cool and I hope I end up with many wrinkles.)

  102. AlisonB +10

    Toasties! Tried posting earlier and I got an error message reading “Invalid Nonce” which made me laugh quite a lot. What is a nonce? I’m not very tech-y (might learn to code though- any free online stuff you recommend?)

    Positives this week: I’m eating prawn gyoza, at home, on my own and relaxing. Just what I need right now.
    Started seeing a therapist for CBT from today and I think it will be useful. Kept my mind open and I think it’s just what I need right now. (also ADs not having side effects atm, hooray!)
    Oh I ate my first persimmon the other day with my (basically) sister and we agreed the flavour was unexpectedly like a cross between pear and apple. “Papple”.
    What’s your news?

    3. Absotively +5

      A nonce is a one-time secret code. In the context of posting to IntenseDebate, it probably means they send a nonce to your computer with the comment form, and the comment form sends it back with your comment. Then they send your computer a new nonce for your next comment. The main point of this is to slow down spambots.

    4. AlisonB +5

      sorry for making everyone hungry. go forth and eat!

      Thanks for clearing up the Nonce confusion, Absotively…

      (that might be my new insult for idiots: “you invalid nonce!”)

  103. eegghh +18

    last night I was spontaneous and followed a new friend to an after party where I chatted with several men. One man was nice but super awkward and he sort of followed me about the party seeming interested. On my way home I was like, “I guess if he asked me out I could go, because you know, he’s sweet and i could make it work.”

    UGH. My brain! Its trying to destroy me. I spent so many years in a “make it work” thing and now that I’m single it still wants to revert instantly to a scarcity mentality. I do not have to date a man just because I high-fived him for getting a Buffy reference. I need to stay the fuck away from fixer-uppers. URGH. I guess I’m proud of myself for realizing it now… and not after he’s on a date with me, but there’s such a strong core of be nice to any guy who likes you in me.

    1. paddlepickle +20

      You should be proud! Noticing the weird things your brain does and refusing to submit is. . .way more than half the battle, I’d say at least 75%!

      I am thinking of trying a thing where I assume that any guy I’m dating/meeting, I could just choose to press a button and he’d be my boyfriend and the only question is whether I’d really want to. When I take the ‘does he liiiike me’ out of the equation and just think about if I like him, it turns out I really wouldn’t be that bothered about most of the dudes I spend time being bothered about. I realized this after thinking about everyone I’ve dated and realizing that if I could make any of them be my boyfriend right now, I wouldn’t.

      1. alicia +15

        This is so…wise. A touch of misandry is really working for you, and I mean that with my whole heart.

        1. paddlepickle +14

          “A touch of misandry is really working for you” may be the best compliment I have ever received in my life. 😀

  104. projectbeks +2

    Arts colleges are usually much MUCH quieter in the summer, and you can usually take some time off at that time. There are a lot of jobs of various natures at said colleges, so I would definitely check out some in your area. RISD, SMFA, MassArt, etc. From my experience, a lot of museums are kind of the same way, depending on which department you find yourself in. A lot have opportunities for art educators, which could definitely revolve around a more academic/seasonal schedule.

    Best of luck looking for new stuff!!
    GAAAAHHH, This was in reply to Annie, RE: Job Related Stuff!

  105. her_again +6

    I am trying to get as much work done as possible (by posting on the open thread, obviously) before the arrival of my copy of ‘Texts From Jane Eyre’ in today’s post. After that, I may as well write off any productivity for the rest of the day. But never mind, because I finished a midterm this week, so right now I am not utterly drowning in work, which constitutes a ‘break’ in grad school terms. And I’m hopefully going to make it to ‘David Bowie Is’ on Sunday, to rectify the nagging guilt I feel at living in Chicago and hardly ever doing anything touristy.

    AND I just got a pure cashmere sweater from the thrift shop for $6. Life is good (and so soft, and snuggly).

  106. gentlehangovers +3

    San Francisco Toasts!

    I haven’t seen this mentioned yet, so I will ask – who is going to see Mallory at Booksmith next week? I am going, even though I know it will be totally packed. If you’re going let me know and we can try to find each other.

    Also, re: Booksmith, if you haven’t been to the Shipwrecked event, go as soon as you can! I checked their events list and January’s book is ATLAS SHRUGGED. If that’s not a Toast event I don’t know what is. I already have it on my calendar.

    1. alicia +1

      I keep forgetting about Booksmith! I have to see if I can make it, Thursdays are kind of nuts for me. I will be going to the daddest of all dad events on Sunday though: Jeff Bridges is playing at GAMH.

    3. deleted7410012 +1

      shipwreck is a blast! i went to the “christine” one and laughed so hard i wept.

      i don’t know if i’m going to the booksmith mallory event, but east bay toasts—i’ll be at the pegasus one!

    4. msjinxie +1

      Oh also, I am also MsJinxie on the twitter so if anyone’s going and wants to coordinate something you can hit me up there!

  107. eegghh +26

    1. Oh man i am with you there. My ex once bought me a surprise christmas tree and then was like, “No no, getting the tree was the surprise, I’m not going to help decorate it, you enjoy” and it BROKE MY HEART because the decorating is the part that mattered, the feeling of conviviality and love. I encourage you to be straight with him about the meaning behind the fuss, because for yourself, and for any kids if you want them, you want them to be in the kind of family that gets into the holiday spirit. Not being into the whole hoopla of a celebration is really different from being happy to celebrate that one with the persons you adore.

    2.When you start making a fuss about yourself…people also do it for you. Also, this is some next level adult shit here, but it’s something I’ve been really trying to do lately, be the friend who does this for other people. Everyone wants this, secretly, a person to come in and be like, “let me make this super awesome and all about you”, and we’re all waiting to get our turn first, so it never happens. Try sending a friend a card in the mail. get back in touch with someone who is out of touch, etc. I’ve been doing this lately and it’s been incredibly rewarding. Make sure you do it for yourself as well or you will feel like a giver only, but if you become the person who does nice things for myself and nice things for others….oh it feels good.

    Also, if you think of yourself as the edge of the circle instead of its center, throw a party, but a really good party- one with excessive levels of preparation for at least one element- drinks, decoration, food, entertainment, ect, then take photos of people at this party, post it on facebook, thank everyone who came profusely and let them be like, “No thank you, those cream puffs, I am dying of joy”, and throw another in a few months, and all the jerks who missed out the first time will be like, “oh I thought this was just going to be a hanging around party, but it wasn’t and I missed it”, and you will suddenly be the hostest with the mostest. I’ve only thrown 2 parties like that in the last 2 years but my friends are often like, “when are you going to throw us another delicious party!?”, so you know, I should ramp that up.

    Seriously, the absolute fastest route to being the person people go all out for is being that person for them, being interested in your own activities and absolutely begging everyone to come to things. like this, “please please come to happy hour. I know you are busy darling, but I ADORE YOU and if you don’t come, I’ll be devastated, pleeeeease?! Bring anyone you like, I will buy you a car, just come!” People want to be wanted. People who make that clear to their friends are desired.

    Lastly, I was just watching the last 5 minutes of Parades End right before I came on here, what a good GIF you chose! Parades End is so stellar.

  108. no_blues +1

    Anyone have any ideas/suggestions for really low-impact but fun “activities” to have at a birthday party? I’ve rented the basement room of a bar, and while I am personally always happy to sit around drinking with people I like, I’m afraid people will just get bored and leave. (Also mixing a bunch of social groups so that’ll be A Thing.)

    1. lilsebastian01 +6

      I’m all about board games, personally. People who are into them can play, people who aren’t into them don’t have to. Focus on games where there’s space for chatting in between turns — more Scrabble than Boggle, if you catch my drift — or games where being fun and silly and interactive is the point, like Cards Against Humanity or Anomia.

    2. cait0716 +3

      Games? Cards Against Humanity tends to be a go to, but in some groups it can also lead to potential awkwardness. To that end there are similar games like Apples to Apples and Balderdash. Dixit is a good on that uses artwork instead of words. Say Anything is more fun with a group of people who know each other, but can be played with a group that doesn’t know each other. It doesn’t work if, say 3 people are really good friends and 3 others are mere acquaintances, but if the group is balanced it’s fine. There’s also Telestrations, which is a fun mashup of Telephone and Pictionary. And you can always do something like charades or taboo but where you crowdsource the topics from the players before hand.

      1. catoclock +3

        Huh, Telestrations! I didn’t realize someone had monetized this! My friends and I like to get drunk and play it with whatever random paper we can find around. I’ve heard it called Writey Drawey and Pictionary Down the Lane (and lately Fish Dicks, after a particularly memorable round in which things got… weird).

        Anyway, it’s a GREAT party game in that you can play it with literally anyone and it’ll be fun and hilarious, I’ve never had it go wrong.

    3. Absotively +5

      I’m another board game fan. Fluxx and its variants are enjoyably silly and easy to pick up. Bananagrams is good if there’s a group that wants to play something slightly quieter off to one side for a bit. For mixing social groups, I’d probably pick Apples to Apples over Cards Against Humanity, but it depends a bit on the groups.

    4. jenavira +1

      I like Gloom for a party game (as long as you’re fairly sure no one will be offended by a morbid sense of humor) – telling a story to string together all the various horrible things that happen to your characters is part of the game. Also you sabotage other players by making nice things happen to their characters, which mitigates the aggressiveness of gameplay, I’ve found.

    6. rhymeswitheight +2

      Once I was in a bar with a mixed group of friends and strangers/friends of friends, and a guy pulled out his phone and suggested we all play this game. Like a cross between charades and celebrity? It was a LOT of fun, and I remain convinced that he’s a social genius for coming up with that quick solution to the awkwardness.

  109. femaelstrom +7

    Also, I am new to reading/commenting on the Toast and I love it and everyone seems so awesome, so I am curious if Toasties in the Philadelphia area ever meet up? I don’t have much of a social life….I want to say “outside of college,” but the truth is I graduated from college almost two years ago and am just not great at getting out there and meeting people in the real world. I would love to meet some of you folks, if that ever happens!

    1. projectbeks +1

      I am also in the Philadelphia area (ish), and to my knowledge we are slackers who have not yet met up nor formed a group for meeting. But I am sure we are all awesome and wonderful people anyway!
      I would love to do a Philly-area meetup, so if anyone wants to volunteer to plan something, I will make an effort to be there!

      1. femaelstrom +3

        I would be happy to plan a thing/make a group, but I feel less than qualified because of the n00b factor :p still, there’s a control freak lurking beneath my calm exterior (who’s the one on the Hey Ladies posts who does things like book a room for all of them in the Hamptons without consulting anyone and then ask them all for $4500 “by COB”? That could have been me if I were born into different circumstances…) so it’s my instinct to volunteer to plan things.

        1. viviennestreet +1

          I would be totally fine if you (or someone else) planned something and just told me where and when to show up. I am not good at planning things for groups.

    2. literarysara +2

      I am a Philadelphia Toastperson who is buried in work right now but would, barring worktastrophe, be interested in meeting up.

    4. viviennestreet +1

      I’m Phillyish too (Main Line, but really close to the city)! I would love to meet up with people because I, also, am not great about getting out.

  110. StillT +2

    Michigan Toasties! Roll call! (Please!)

    I know there are at least a few others who commented on a previous post, but I’m curious. How many residents of the Mitten are there on this lovely site? Lansing-area here.

    1. notebook-keeper +3

      Hiiiii (kind of). I live in New York now but I was born/grew up in Michigan and I’m going back for a visit later this month and I’m very excited for it!

      1. longlostlullaby +2

        Same here! I grew up in Michigan but am not living there right now. I’ll be back in a few months though for when my sister has her first baby!

    2. DeepBlueC +1

      Present! (Just in case anyone else is reading.) Newish Lansing resident here, and I’d love to get together with some Toasties!

  111. PRockette +2

    Ultimate CanCon (Canadian content) playlist? I will now take your suggestions. All eras. All genres. From the cheese to the sublime. Go.

    1. robotneedslove +2

      PLAY SOME FUCKING HIP

      Sorry, that’s an old joke from college, and I don’t even know if it’s a reference to something that other people know. But, you know, do.

      1. loren_smith +3

        everyone is canadian!

        Martha and the Muffins – esp “Echo beach” :):)
        Len – “Steal My Sunshine”
        Snow “Informer”
        The Unicorns “2014”
        The Organ

        We also claim All Saints

    2. sheilatheresa +1

      Again, I am the latest of late commenters, but just in case….
      Big Sugar! Any. It’s all good.
      Blue Rodeo, Five Days in May. It’s the best love song ever.
      Raul Mali – his first (I think?) CD is called Lucky One, and it’s fantastic. I mean, so so so good.

  112. mollyculetheory +15

    Ugh this is really late but: the futuremister looks at my Twitter timeline every so often (he doesn’t have one himself) and, as a proud member of Toastie Twitter, my feed is sometimes #misandry driven and he is getting SO BUTTHURT about it lately. Mostly in a supposedly funny manner “Oh, you don’t like Hemingway now, should I hide my Henry Miller so you won’t burn it?” but I feel like its coming from a place of actual upset. I don’t want to hurt him, but my twitter is a place where I feel comfortable venting my frustrations about Men qua Men and it has nothing to do with him and I also feel like I am allowed that space outside of his manfeels.

    And, like, last night we got into an argument that started because I posted this (frankly amazing) picture because he refused to back down from the premise “as a short man, studies show that I suffer from a pay gap nearly identical to women so we are in the same place” (which may have devolved to me yelling “you don’t get to tell me how I feel! I’ll make my Twitter private!” and crying on the toilet while he’s placidly like “we fundamentally agree I don’t understand why you’re so upset” lollll) How do you guys balance the Creeping Misandry with lovingly educating your manfriends?

    1. sausagedog +15

      My boyfriend used to be bothered by the whole “misandry” thing, so I kind of… talked about exactly the same things, but didn’t use the actual word “misandry” and instead of saying stuff like “I hate men” I phrased it like “Men are doing things that make my life terrible and those things are:” so he got comfortable with the content without getting his hackles raised.

      Then we both graduated from the protective bubble that is college and I got a job in a male dominated industry… and now when I say shit like “I hate all men” his response is usually “you’re justified there.”

      My (male) roommate, on the other hand… eh idk. It was easy to put in the effort for the boyfriend, but I’m not sure he’s worth the time to “lovingly educate.” I mostly just avoid.

    2. actualmeg +31

      I have no idea, but if you want to start a band with me called Creeping Misandry I would be on board.

      Maybe show him relevant passages from that LARB review of Mallory’s book that was posted in the Link Roundup earlier today? I think it really eloquently explains the idea of needing to have a space where you can be frustrated about sexism in a funny, communal way without worrying about upsetting the balance of delicate manfeels. Also, the way men’s thoughts and work are often given serious consideration by default, whereas women have to actively fight to have their voices heard. It’s not like teasingly making fun of Hemingway is going to dismantle his place in the Western literary canon, nor should it. But it’s refreshing and even enlightening to do that, especially to an audience (female friends, Toasties, presumably your Twitter followers) who knows exactly where you’re coming from.

      2. paperbgprincess +4

        I second this — the LARB review really nicely explained some of what I feel, and I think it might be a good thing for him to read.

    3. deleted2997279 +3

      Okay first of all, that picture is amazing.

      I don’t really have a lot of help to offer, except to keep (ugh I hate this word) educating him? Like, fine you also suffer from a pay gap, but you also benefit from all these untangible benefits the patriarchy doesn’t offer women and especially women of color – who, I’m sure you know, also have an even wider pay gap. And twitter is where you can complain about that, with other like minded people, but those people also know that there are white dudes in your life who you love and respect and cherish and you don’t ACTUALLY want to ban.

      And then tell him to lighten up and take a joke, a bit.

    4. RoseCamelia +16

      This is why, when I was about 27, I gave myself the gift of refusing to date anyone under 30. By the age of 30 he should have this shit down already, so if I discover an education gap in feminism I can drop him immediately. No need for the patience that is appropriate with young’uns still learning. And no feeling that I have any duty to educate his sorry self.

      Damn, you young women are so much more patient than I am or ever was. Chapeau!

    5. GreenGrasses +13

      Ugh this sucks. My partner went from being a tentative “not all men?”-er to a really great person to discuss The Patriarchy with. Basically, I made sure to mention news stories about men being awful, to talk about the Toast a lot, and to share with him when men negatively affected my day. You gotta get it out in the open! And like demisemiquaver said, it’s good to repeat often that this stuff is a humorous reaction to real-world bullshit.

    6. miprisci +38

      I think I’m generally regarded as a Friend of The Toast, and am male, and sometimes in my darkest moments, I can admit to occasionally feeling pangs of disquiet as a result of the misandry. Like, 99% of the time I love it and laugh along with it, and then every now and then something kinda sucker-punches me and hits a little too close to home.

      Now, I don’t usually get all Not All Men! about it in the comments because that’s stupid. Instead I try to realize that the reason I feel offended is because I’m party to a patriarchal society that benefits me even when I don’t want it to, and that naturally the Venn diagram of myself and the targets of Toast misandrist critiques are bound to overlap to some degree. And then to shrug it off, read some other part of the internet, and come back when my headspace is a little clearer.

      But frankly, it took some training to learn to do that, to take a step back from the critiques that even inadvertently harm you and look at what’s actually being discussed. As has been discussed many times, and a few times today in a few threads, The Toast and the feminist internet at large is an amazing place to vent frustration that can’t safely be vented elsewhere. I know that by and large, the misandry on display is meant as an outlet, not as a weapon directed at me personally. If I (or your mister) get offended, that’s on us to deal with, and doesn’t require a defense. Getting upset is fine and I suppose a natural reaction that he can’t help, but he needs to understand that that’s his issue, not yours.

      1. RoseCamelia +25

        “If I (or your mister) get offended, that’s on us to deal with, and doesn’t require a defense. Getting upset is fine and I suppose a natural reaction that he can’t help, but he needs to understand that that’s his issue, not yours.”

        Emby, this is why you are welcome here.

    7. loren_smith +5

      I struggle with this, too. I find it helps a bit if I talk very plainly and (the best I can) unemotionally about my experiences as a woman – street harassment, working in a male dominated industry, feeling scared on transit – that he learns from these experiences and can extrapolate out on his own how I feel in the world writ large. It is “educating” him a bit, but I’m willing to put the work into him.

    8. AlisonB +4

      I am gently introducing my boyfriend into the whole feminist mindset atm- he is obviously not a raging misogynist, but has never really stepped outside the happy male space he inhabits to analyse things for the patriarchal constructs that they are.

      Case in point: I’m growing my armpit hair as an experiment, and texted him about why I feel the need to do so (=to see what my motivations are in shaving etc). I thought I’d get him into the conversation in a relaxed manner by asking “Why do you think women feel the need to shave?” and his response was actually kinda hilarious in its naivety: “Is it because they wear sleeveless tops more often?” I”M NOT JOKING.
      I feel the need to repeat that. Sleeveless tops. I queried him about the double standards for men and women re shaving/natural state and he replied “hmmm I guess it is a norm that’s hard to shift. I still stand by the sleeveless tops idea tho.”

      A little way to go, but he is the nicest and most thoughtful guy ever, so that was hopefully a blindspot for an issue he had NEVER thought about before?

      I have realised I’ve just shoehorned this anecdote into your plea for advice- sorry no real advice, but the advice above has helped me! regular mentions of ways in which men have it better or have affected your day negatively- but not so as to make you sound like a stuck record. That’s the difficult bit!

      1. RoseCamelia +1

        Is he young? If so, he gets a pass, for now. It takes time to realize how pervasive the Patriarchy is, especially for young men. Good for you, helping him into deeper waters.

        1. AlisonB +2

          he’s 26. I hope that qualifies as young! He’s pretty solid on the big issues though. But it can get tiring, feeling like I’m ‘teaching’ him or worse lecturing him. So sometimes I avoid topics..I’m learning how to do it as I go along.
          Armpit hair- he has some way to go.
          Luckily he’s cool with pubic hair as that is a deal breaker for me hah.

    9. msjinxie +5

      I’ve more or less managed to avoid this issue by getting into my current relationship as a Noted Misandrist so dude knew what he was getting into. It still comes up once in a while, though, and my go-to explanation is “It’s mostly a joke, except for when it’s not”. Occasionally I share stories of Men Being Horrible – lord knows there’s plenty to go around – when I think the bearded one needs actual proof, but mostly I just double down on my misandry. I don’t know that this method would work with every dude, but I’ve found that skipping an explanation and just standing firm on a “ban men” stance works to get the point across to at least some fellas.

      1. AlisonB +3

        Congrats on being known by the moniker “Noted Misandrist”!

        It’s hard to separate “Men are terrible” from “I know you’re a man too, BUT..” It has to be done though. Our lovely boyfriends aren’t the ones going around perpetrating terrible misogynistic things, but they may well be part of the patriarchy. How to dismantle that without hurting their man-feelings….

        1. msjinxie +10

          Frankly, I don’t much care about how hurt their man-feelings are. Women and minorities have been dealing with hurt feelings and way worse for millenia, so Joe Schmoe can just suck it up and let me enjoy my semi-jocular misandry once in a while.

          1. AlisonB +2

            I share your thoughts towards all mankind, but care about my boyfriend’s person-feelings.
            Maybe that’s illogical- if I separate him from ‘men’ then shouldn’t think about hurting his feelings talking about how shit ‘men’ can be. Still learning!

    10. elsamac +22

      he refused to back down from the premise “as a short man, studies show that I suffer from a pay gap nearly identical to women so we are in the same place”

      Okay, let’s assume that his premise is factually correct (and it may well be; I don’t know or consider it important to the line of discussion I’m proposing). Even so, he’s suggesting that you privilege:
      A. his discomfort with women’s resentment of male social dominance, and
      B. a pay gap that (he says) affects a subset of men
      over thousands of years of male privilege and marginalizing of women that has created enormously unbalanced world in which men’s ideas, opinions, and personalities are seen as default. He’s hinging his argument on a pay gap for some men, when there tons of data establishing that women in general get paid substantially less than men for the same work, and that WoC face an even larger pay gap than white women.

      He’s hinging his argument on one admittedly unwelcome loss of income when women are being excoriated for just saying “Hey, maybe don’t make jokes about raping me” or “Hey, maybe don’t make my walk to work into your fantasy phone-sex-minus-the-phone hour” or “Hey, maybe don’t take away my reproductive options” or “Hey, maybe don’t talk about me like I’m an object instead of a human being.”

      He’s hinging his argument on something that, if real, is admittedly unjust, but he’s doing it by focusing on the perceived unfairness to him instead of the patent unfairness to women everywhere. If he really wants to stop misandry, the way toward that is by speaking up to the men who make this world so inhospitable to women, men who conspire to make the world so hostile that joking about banning them protects us from the harsh reality of the world we live in.

      Look, I’m a white lady, and sometimes I see friends or pundits make jokes about ugh, white people and think “… ouch, yeah.” So I know that feeling of being hurt, but I also know that:
      A. They’re not wrong! Even if I don’t immediately understand the point they’re making, I listen and think about what it, because I know they are the experts on their own experience, and
      B. Even if it seems to be describing me and others like me, I know it isn’t necessarily about me. It might be something from which I can take instruction, but it isn’t necessarily aimed at me. Maybe it’s a safety valve to let off the pressure of being treated as a marginalized population. Maybe it’s communication between members of that population that I am able to read or hear but not fluent enough in social nuances to really get. Maybe a lot of things. But IT ISN’T ABOUT ME.

      In short, he’d better mute me on Twitter, too, because I have zero patience with someone who can look at the satirical response to thousands of years of social inequity and side with the oppressors.

    11. jackalopeia +10

      I think the big turning point for my dude (besides just growing the fuck up, generally–we started dating when he was 26) was Phaedra Starling’s “Schrodinger’s Rapist” piece. For whatever reason, that particular analogy just really brought it home for him that it doesn’t matter if it’s Not All Men doing X, because it’s enough men that women have to protect ourselves however we can. Sometimes that’s blowing dudes off when they try to talk to us and sometimes that’s exaggerated misandry as a means of relieving our anger. But if he’s only started getting butthurt about it lately, and he was previously fine with it, maybe it’s something else bugging him and this is a convenient target.

      Any dude I’m not boning who tries to get me to explain gender inequality to him gets a “Let Me Google That For You” link.

    1. danceintrees +2

      Holy crap, thank you for posting this! I actually know/grew up with a bunch of those ladies but don’t keep in touch with them, and I had no idea this existed!

      -Sincerely, a grown woman who still has a poster of Ingrid Backstrom on her wall.

  114. bunnybunny +4

    A year or two ago one of my old roommates from college visited with her boyfriend on her way to NYC. I had met this guy once before and he seemed normal enough. While we were getting drinks, the two of us made a joke about a Man and her boyfriend proceeded to lose it. When we got back to my apartment he screamed at her in the hallway for half an hour before calling a cab and going to a hotel because he was so angry with me. She ended up going to the hotel too because she didn’t want him to get any more irate. It was legitimately pretty horrific and I only got to see her for a couple hours.

  115. Briony_Fields +7

    Good point. He can afford it and what’s more, it’s his DAD way of showing he cares. He’s offered a couple of times, I turned him down at first and he honestly seemed a bit disappointed!

  116. donkeywork +3

    Concentrated difficulty calls for leavening trifles: What’s the last thing that made you laugh unexpectedly? Like, an exceptionally good joke in a sitcom you find generally meh. (Last night I saw a rerun of un-meh Key & Peele that had Paget Brewster riffing on her Criminal Minds role, and I could finally forgive her for working on that show. And that was great last night but now it’s today and life is still so not-working-out, so I need more).

    1. allanaaa +11

      Um, I was riffing on hipsters and said something about them living in lofts, working in lofts, and having studios in lofts, and gallery shows in lofts … And then made a really atrocious pun about having lofty goals. And then guffawed at myself for like five minutes afterwards.
      I don’t know if that counts. But I’m laughing at myself again just thinking about it.

    2. Bunburying +5

      Well. This is probably not quite what you were looking for buuuut the last thing that made me laugh unexpectedly was when my cat sat down an hour ago to use my foot as her pillow, and her tiny kitty breaths coming out of her kitty nose tickled my foot unbearably, but it was so cute and sweet I couldn’t bear to make her move, so I just sat there trying desperately not to snort-laugh at my foot being intermittently tickled.

      Cats are so useless but so great.

      1. donkeywork +2

        @Bunburying, full credit also. Cats being funny necessitated the whole invention of the internet, after all. My personal favorite is if one tries to drink from someone’s glass and you can look through at Compressed Kitty Face. A roommate’s cat used to do that all the time and I. Would. Die. So bonus points for reminding me, thank you!

      2. donkeywork +2

        @Beakses: Speechless except for high-pitched shrieking. I think we have a winner. Look at that FACE! And the weird mermaidification down below. It’s perfect.

    4. viviennestreet +4

      Found this on tumblr and it kills me every time.

      SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE

      old me: ah yes I remember the Great Skeleton War of 2014.
      grandchildren: grandma that never happened.
      old me: it was a long war.
      grandchildren: grandma please stop we’ve talked about this.
      old me: the only way to end it was to make a treaty with the skeletons.
      grandchildren: grandma
      old Me: and that’s why humans have skeletons inside them.
      grandchildren: gRANDMA PLEASE

      1. donkeywork +1

        I can’t tell if it’s funny or educational, especially after the midterm elections, but I like it in a Ray Bradbury way.

    5. donkeywork +1

      The example I meant to offer (which only old people will be likely to appreciate, and maybe not even them) was on “The Middle”: the grownups were going out for a night on the town away from their kids, but in their relatively small town the entertainment they were excited for was The Little River Band Cover Band. Julie Brown got all excited because they were going to play “Lonesome Loser,” which is, to the best of my knowledge, their only hit. Throwaway joke, but the band name still makes me laugh.

  117. HelloChel +5

    I am having the worst work day I have had in a long time. The week, and work in general, have been going pretty good for the last six months or so and I know it isn’t going to matter in a few days anyway, but a problem popped up yesterday that is just destroying any good feelings I have about my job or coworkers.

    Yesterday I discovered I made a mistake. It wasn’t a big mistake, even though it was a stupid one, and the resolution should have been straight-forward. I keep dwelling on the actual mistake because it happened because I trusted that my coworker had done her job correctly and was relying on the data she had entered into the system. That used to be something I did and my boss decided it was a better use of resources for her to do it. A lot of what I am still doing relies on that data being correct and now I feel like I have to go back and check everything she’s done which defeats the purpose of having someone other than me doing it at all. And the resolution of the problem should have been to send a quick correction to the other company involved but instead I have spent six hours over yesterday and today going back and forth trying to explain what happened and what needs to happen now and it is just not getting through to this other person.

    I’m sitting here, trying not to cry or scream, trying to be patient with this person and counting the hours until I can go home and just try to forget the last two days. I have three hours left before its late enough that I can say I am going home.

    1. LeastBittern +1

      That sounds terrible: it is the worst when you hold yourself to a high standard, and the work of other people fails you. I’m sorry!

    2. AlisonB +1

      Oh that sounds very frustrating.
      Maybe chat it through with your boss or HR? It sounds like things aren;t very efficient at the moment and that’s affecting your work. Sorry not much advice as I havent started in the job market yet, but have learnt a bit listening to others.
      Plus side- you can nearly go home and it’s the weekend!
      I’m off to bed over here, bon weekend.

    3. elsamac +1

      UGH, I am so sorry you’re going through that. In a situation like that, I usually find it helpful to remember that there will be a time when this is done, and I set aside all the “what do I do about [_____]” until that time. You can just put your head down and plow through it. I believe in you.

    4. paperbgprincess +1

      Ugh that is awful! There was a similar question on Ask A Manager yesterday — it was the letter-writer who made a huge mistake, but there was some good advice about handling mistakes in general. I’d read that advice, think about it for a while, and go have a conversation with your boss about it. Try not to get defensive or blame-y, but explain calmly and rationally what’s going on and, if you have a suggestion for how to fix it, that too. Good luck!
      People make mistakes ALL THE TIME, big and small, but the important part is how you react to them. If you can manage this correctly you’ll come out on top.

  118. vlyra +8

    Trying to find a job as a not-so-experienced postgrad history graduate immigrant human in London is awful and as the date of my visa expiration looms closer I am getting closer to breaking down crying. I wish people could just trade residency cards or something.

    1. Billy1490 +1

      Hang in there, Vlyra. I am of the firm conviction that these things always work themselves out.

  119. msjinxie +23

    TOAST! I love you and I want you to make lots and lots of money but would it be possible for you guys to reconsider the auto-play video ads that keep popping up? They are making my browser so, so, so slow 🙁

    1. LeastBittern +9

      I *wince* took the Toast of my list of adblock exemption sites, because the flash here was leaking TWO GIGS of memory.

  120. Momthra +2

    What are people’s thoughts on holiday gift-giving to bosses? I am firmly “no” but I work for a very small organization and someone just circulated an email that she’d like to buy X for the boss and who wants to join in, “but no pressure”! And I said no (privately) that I am uncomfortable with boss gift-giving, nothing personal. But now everyone else is saying yes. So I have to say yes, right?

    1. Räven +5

      UGH THE WORST. You can still say no. The boss NEVER WANTS THAT PRESENT, that awkward tribute from nervous underlings who spent their lesser salaries on said offering in hopes of – what exactly? You will feel better not being on the receiving end of his/her unenthusiastic “thank you for the tiffany keychain, um I’ll definitely find something to hang on this”, and you won’t be out $50.

    2. aravisthequeen +8

      NOPE. You absolutely do not! Do not give a gift to your boss if you don’t want to. Gifts should not flow upward, you do not owe a gift to someone who is giving you money.

      There was a collection for my boss’s birthday, whom I hate, which I cheerfully declined. I’ll sign a card, but I’m not giving you half my hourly wage for your fucking birthday. So nope! You can NOPE right out and feel awesome about it!

      1. Momthra +3

        I felt backed into a corner. “No pressure!” Mostly because these dummies will gossip about it for months if I don’t.

    3. msjinxie +4

      I’m a legal secretary, so my personal stance is “no gifts aside from maybe some homemade cookies and a holiday card” because the people I support make way, WAY more money than I do and all parties involved are well aware of that fact. I have coworkers who get actual gifts for their bosses and…that’s fine, but I just don’t feel comfortable with that. I only have so much money for presents that time of year, and I would way rather spend the money on my family.

    4. paperbgprincess +3

      Ugh, no! The only time I have ever given anything to a superior is if a) I have made cookies or something for the whole office and everyone gets some, or b) I have on very rare occasions given a joke or gag gift, but only if I wanted to and if we had a friendly relationship. I can’t imagine ever giving my current boss anything because he doesn’t joke, but I have in the past.

  121. twoburgers +19

    haaaaa one of my coworkers who I’m pretty sure is pictured in some idiom dictionary next to Short Man Syndrome just walked by my desk complaining to another that he was interrupted SEVEN TIMES in a meeting by two of our female coworkers. So like a petulant whiny man, he left the meeting .This is especially hilarious because, as the poster child for Short Man Syndrome, he is a notorious dominator of meetings and interrupter of coworkers. SUCK IT. NOW YOU SEE HOW IT FEELS.

    1. Frenz_lo +25

      …so if we just interrupt them seven times, they’ll disappear? It’s like something from a fairy tale!

  122. Billy1490 +5

    Hiiiii everyone I need some help.

    So I really like writing and I think I’m pretty decent at it. I’ve had stuff published on Thought Catalog (I know I know but let me finish)and it seems like people really connect with what I have to say. BUT. My best writing, when it’s straight from the heart and just flows right out all fast-like, is always always about dating. My heart speaks pretty loudly inside of me I guess? Louder than anything else. The topic of love suits my voice pretty well but my life isn’t always exciting in that department and I am facing a lot of writer’s block.

    I want to write about things that matter and be able to do so with the emotional honesty that makes my dating-related stuff so strong. But I worry I might be a one-trick pony. I read things on the Hairpin and here on the Toast and holy cow these people are incredibly talented and they all have such unusual stories to tell. It makes me beat myself up a little and I feel like I’m just eavesdropping on this group of crazy brilliant women.

    Anyone have any tricks that have helped them expand their writing repertoire? Or words of encouragement or words of brutal honesty? If you’re curious, this is my usual style: http://thoughtcatalog.com/hillary-humphreys/2014/…

    ALSO. What do you do after you’ve written something you’re really proud of???? Do you just flop around with the despair that you will never be struck with that sort of inspiration again?

    1. allanaaa +4

      Hi! I had two things go up on Thought Catalog and they were both about my body / sex / weird stuff. This was a few years back when it was actually contributing to a Catalog of Thoughts. But I have no shame!

      I find that I am not good at writing without prompts. I’m not good at creativity in general without prompts. Are you that way as well? There are lots of online writers’ clubs and challenges you can Google. And, you know, carry a notebook, and jot down random snippets of overheard conversation, etc.; there’s lots of good ways to collect fodder for ideas to branch out into.

      But ALSO if you are good at writing about dating that is not shallow. WORK IT.

      1. Billy1490 +1

        Hey thanks. That’s incredibly encouraging. I’m always just so hard on myself for not being terribly literary so to be told to own it is awfully nice 🙂

        And onward to google to find me some kick ass prompts!

    2. donkeywork +2

      If you treat it like a discipline (and, as allanaaa suggests, use prompts to get you started) and write a little every day, even if it’s not going anywhere in particular, it’s much easier to hit the ground running when you’ve got a great idea. I actually think it makes great ideas move a little lower on the tree so you can snag them. Also, a lot of it will be useless crap, which is totally okay–keeps you humble and also reminds you to be grateful when things are going well! Good luck, and definitely stick with it.

  123. Sean_Sullivan +9

    I happened upon a new technique in the footnotes of Thelma Ritter’s autobiography: equal parts borax, gin, and rosewater, mixed into a paste and applied with a square of coarse sandpaper. Gentlest treatment yet, and it doesn’t actually smell that bad.

    EDIT: Whoops. Meant this comment for the polar bear thread.

      1. Absotively +25

        My favourite part is how the edit is phrased as a clarification, but just makes things more bizarre.

  124. Momthra +6

    I sent another – clearly resentful – email “well, if everyone else is in, I guess I don’t have a choice 🙂 I wouldn’t want [Boss] to take it personally.”

    This man literally determines your salary and signs your paychecks. He is the top boss. Why in the world would you think it’s appropriate to buy him an expensive gift? Newsflash: mister can buy his own fancy headphones, if he wants them.

    1. Räven +7

      NOOOOOOO. Seriously, only if his job is “God-King of the Volcano mountain”, then yes you probably are supposed to burn half your corn at his altar because you are grateful he did not kill your children with lava this year and he expects you to show your appreciation, because god-kings are jerks like that. If his job is anything else, it’s not appropriate.

  125. loren_smith +22

    Toast I just had an in-office Zumba class and it was hilarious. More men than women participated, and even though we are a tech company, they were lovely and funny and not at all bro-y and there is hope in the world.

    1. Billy1490 +6

      This makes me smile and puts happy images in my head. I work at a college and we don’t do this sort of stuff enough but I would loooove to see the Accounting professor attempt some Zumba,.

  126. theratlady +5

    Hey Toast. I’ve only commented a couple times, but I’m having a rough week and am hoping any vet or doctor Toasties can commiserate. I’m in my third year of vet school and had my first junior surgery this week, on a beautiful perfect little four month-old kitten, and the night after surgery she developed horrible pulmonary signs and was euthanized two days later. I was running anesthesia and am convinced that it was my fault, even though radiology/anesthesiology/pathology have told me they don’t see how anesthetic mistakes could have caused her clinical signs (histo on the lungs is pending). And I feel horribly guilty that the surgeon, who is a close friend of mine and did an amazing job, has now had her first surgery ruined because of what I am sure is my mistake. Do you have any bad case stories that you can share? Any times you were irrationally convinced something was your fault but were eventually proved wrong by necropsy/autopsy? Tips for getting back in the OR next week, when I will be surgeon, with only a rational amount of fear?

    1. Bunburying +9

      I’m not any kind of doctor but I’m sorry that happened, and if people are saying it’s not your fault I think you’re allowed to trust them. Sometimes you do everything right and things still don’t work out.

      I’ve had some wonderful veterinarians help animals that I cared very much about and I’m so happy and grateful that they could. You’ve chosen a kind and loving profession, and you have the ability to do so much good in it, and I think that you will. Maybe you couldn’t help this kitten, maybe no one could, but try to think about all the kittens you’ll be able to help in the future.

    2. runciblecat +2

      I’m so sorry–that must have been awful, especially for your first junior surgery. I had something similar happen, on a puppy spay right after I graduated. It’s horrible, but it wasn’t your fault, or the surgeon’s fault, or anyone’s fault–one of the sad parts of this job is that sometimes you can do everything right, but still have a bad outcome, without knowing for sure why it happened. Before your next surgery, try to think of the surgery going well, and think about how the puppy or kitten is going to go on to have a good home and live a long, healthy life because of your work. The bad cases can linger in your mind for a long time, but there will be so many good ones, too, more and more as you go on through school and practice, and those happy memories can do a lot to help you handle the sad ones (especially when you hear clients’ appreciation, like what Bunburying says below).

      (In case IntenseDebate puts this comment somewhere strange: it’s meant to be a late reply to theratlady).

  127. bookwormV +3

    Today I realised that the antidepressant pack I finished yesterday was, in fact, the last one I had and I have now run out. (I have managed to get a new prescription today and will maybe get to refill it tomorrow, which is good.) I spent this afternoon crying in the library because I am feeling completely overwhelmed by university coursework and I don’t know what I’m doing. Tomorrow I have to work all day and then a co-worker of my partner’s and her boyfriend are coming over for dinner. I am tempted to retreat under the duvet and not come out.

    (Also, yes it is too early to think about holiday presents, because my birthday is coming up first, and as it is also my siblings’ birthday, I need to think about birthday presents before I can do anything else.)

  128. bunnybunny +1

    Anyone have tips/advice for dealing with acne? My skin was basically normal all throughout high school and college. Then I turned 23 and I’ve got this consistent cluster of zits around my chin out of nowhere. It’s been going on for probably three months now and I’m so confused. I don’t really have the money to see a dermatologist unfortunately. It’s driving me nuts 🙁

    1. LeastBittern +2

      I got something like that when I graduated from college, got a job, and thus was not biking five-ten miles every day and started eating more food that was not rice and beans. The acne died down after a couple of months. Have you recently had big shifts in diet/exercise?

    2. loren_smith +1

      Can you afford to go to a general dr? (I’m Canadian and not sure how America works) I have that too, and my family doctor gave my Tactu (it has a different name in the States) and that is helping a lot. She also told me that around the mouth pimples can be something like the latin words for “around the mouth zits” and treated with a month or two of oral antibiotics.

      Conversely, are you near Mexico? My mum and I both get over-the-counter prescription drugs there with no issues – maybe you could find that Tactu there and give it a shot?

    3. Scarlet_Flight +1

      The same thing happened to me after college! I did end up going to a dermatologist because mine just felt so out of control all over my face. But now, I’ve had pretty good success just using a plain face wash one a day at night and following it with jojoba oil for moisturizer. It doesn’t feel too helpful to say or hear, “just be patient and make sure the products you’re using aren’t breaking out your skin,” but really, I think that’s been key for me.

      But I FEEL YOU about how hard it is to be patient when you’re trying to be an adult and have never had zits before 🙁

    4. carmencicero +2

      I know it’s reddit, but reddit.com/r/skincareaddiction helped me create a routine that, barring a few weeks of figuring it out, basically set me up and now I never think about my skin. They’re very science-based, which was great coming from a place where I got my skincare recs from magazines. I would check out the Beginner’s Guide on the sidebar – full of products that you can buy at the grocery store/drug store. Good luck!

    5. robotneedslove +2

      Do you talk on the phone a lot, maybe at work? Try getting a headset or disinfecting your phone.

    6. Cricket +1

      I’ve had similar acne issues (although mine started in high school and just continued to suck into adulthood) and I’ve found the best (and only) things that work for me are natural things. I’ve tried so, so many different acne treatments, and I think I’ve finally found a winning combination: some kind of natural bar soap (I like goat’s milk soaps a lot), regular raw honey masks (literally slathering my face in a thin layer of raw honey + rinsing after 15 minutes), and then moisturizing with rosehip seed oil (I’m allergic to most moisturizers, so oil has been a great alternative). There are other oils you could try, like avocado, jojoba, or almond, but I found none of those cleared my skin + helped reduce my acne scars the way rosehip seed does. But everyone’s body chemistry is different, so something else may work best for you! I hope you find something that helps soon, I know how much it sucks when acne suddenly gets worse as an adult.

    7. RoseCamelia +1

      Irritation and pH. Watch those.

      Any cleanser in bar form has, by the laws of physics, a pH in the range that encourages bacteria. Liquid gently cleansers like Cetaphil’s gentle version keep your skin pH where it belongs.

      OTC effective topicals: benzoil peroxide and salicylic acid (at a pH between 3 and 4, otherwise ineffective). Other topicals, like tea tree oil kill surface bacteria and can be helpful, but to get inside your pores you need benzoil peroxide or salicylic acid.

      Prescription Retin-A is expensive and harsh. If you can both afford it and tolerate it, it’s wonderfully effective.

      My bona fides: 30 years of cystic acne, consulted with a dozen dermatologists.

      Good luck.

    8. Miss B

      Do you use the phone a lot at work? If so, and the zits on the side of your chin/face where you normally hold the phone, definitely wipe your phone receiver down with rubbing alcohol pads on a regular basis throughout the day. (I get phone-related chin zits sometimes — or at least, that’s my best theory about them.) Also, tea tree oil — don’t listen to what the bottle says, unless you are crazy sensitive to essential oils (test on a non-face part of your body first, like your wrist) you can apply it full-strength. Wet a cotton pad with some and apply to your zitty area after washing your face before bed (and also first thing in the morning, unless it dries out your skin too much). Also, gentle exfoliation regularly, and make sure to moisturize adequately.

  129. loren_smith +4

    In case anyone is still reading! IUD-havers – how long did cramping last post insertion? I had my Mirena 9 days ago, and often times I feel great, and then cramping will come in. It’s not bad, but on the edge of being bad – I’m worried it’s in the wrong spot? Or just worrying. I stopped my birth control pills 7 days ago, and while on them, woudl only have period cramps for an hour or two, so these 9 days have been pretty gloomy 🙁

    1. Momthra +1

      I just got mine done yesterday so I’m not real helpful here since I’m still in sweats, shuffling around the house.

    2. LeastBittern +3

      Like two days – I think my doctor said to call if it was longer than five. Have you talked to your doctor?

    3. paperbgprincess +1

      I had sudden, sharp cramps with diminishing frequency for a couple of weeks. I never had cramps before the IUD so I was quite grumpy about them. But after a little while they subsided and now I get maybe one twinge or two every couple months!

        1. paperbgprincess +1

          At the beginning there didn’t seem to be a rhyme or reason. I don’t keep great track of them now but I also don’t get a period anymore so I don’t pay very close attention! I occasionally get a couple days of spotting, like once a month or 2 or 3, and the cramps kind of go along with those. Most of the time.

  130. miranda_hoyt +2

    Has anyone been using Women.com yet? It’s a women-only space, which is interesting to me for sure, (esp. as they allow trans and non-binary in) I dunno, I’m looking forward to using it more as it fills up with more people. Has anyone used the site yet?

  131. rolotomassi5 +2

    Birdman thread? Hell yeah, Birdman thread!

    Anyone else see it already? Emma Stone is insanely great in it and so are Edward Norton and Michael fucking Keaton. Loved the drum based soundtrack also and the crazy tracking shots were out of this world. I loved it. Thoughts? Discussions? Go nuts!

  132. houblonchouffe +28

    HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP HOLY CRAP

    So. Nonprofiteering Toasties, how awesome is it that THE GRANT just came through at 4:50 on a Friday afternoon? Because HOT DAMN

  133. typewriterandgramophone +2

    Does anyone have any recommendations for lively books on politics, economics or history for an exceptionally bright adolescent girl? I am scouting presents for my super-smart, no-nonsense goddaughter, and fiction isn’t really her bag but she’s got a brilliant financial/administrative brain. I was thinking “The Worldly Philosophers” by Galbraith or “A People’s HIstory of the United States” by Zinn, but I would so appreciate guidance. (If she’s going to be powerful someday I want to steer her towards Elizabeth Warren rather than Margaret Thatcher.) Thanks!

    1. shucksmahoney +3

      Some great finance-related reads – Fool’s Gold by Gillian Tett, Whoops! by John Lanchester, The Big Short by Michael Lewis* (*it’s got flaws but is really readable). Judith Levine’s Not Buying It is a great cultural study on consumer culture.Totally Wired by Andrew Smith does a great, nuanced job of covering not just the dotcom bubble but the political, economic, and cultural factors that built the internet.

    2. lilsebastian01 +5

      My sister gave me Lies My Teachers Told Me when I was a junior in high school and it was formative not just in its content (did you know Helen Keller was a socialist? Did you know there’s substantial evidence that people from Africa came to the Americas long before Columbus?) but also for its take down of the textbook industry and the way American history is taught. Definitely helped me be a more critical thinker.

    3. spring chickens +3

      Zinn is great!

      I would also give her books that are more insidious in their leftwingedness so it doesn’t feel heavy-handed.

      Bright teenagers often really like extreme situations. So how about Victor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning (philosophical but based on his experience of the Holocaust — he was in Theresienstadt). I also think a good book on the French Revolution would be illuminating. Citizens: a Chronicle of the French Revolution is great. And for something US-based, either Studs Terkel’s Working (amazing compilation of interviews with all sorts of people about their jobs and how they feel about their jobs) or All God’s Dangers, an oral history of an Alabaman sharecropper that was compiled by Theodore Rosengarten.

      1. typewriterandgramophone +2

        Thanks so much! That’s a good point about not being too heavy-handed. The French Revolution is a great idea- I remember being fascinated by it myself at that age (I’d forgotten.) And *of course* Studs Terkel!

        The thing about the Holocaust is that I remember reading “Playing for Time” in seventh grade (she’s a little younger) and, while on the one hand Fenelon writes so vividly that I still have people and scenes and sentences from that book going around my brain twenty years later, and I’m not at all sorry I read it, on the other I don’t want to break her heart. I mean, I wish I knew the right way to teach the well-loved and protected children in my life that there is evil in the world and we must fight it without it overwhelming them like Rosemary in “The Giver”.

  134. msjinxie +4

    Oh god guys I keep running away from this thread to go work on my Dreaded Self Evaluation which is due in 2 hours but Self Evals are THE WOOOOOOOORST and I am running out of ways to bullshit about how awesome I am give me more money. I’m basically just taking what I wrote last year and tweaking it ever so slightly. Hopefully they won’t catch on.

    1. alicia +5

      They never do! They are sheep looking for a shepherdess, and you will show them the way (to showering you with honors and cash).

  135. Unreadaethel +11

    The Open Thread always posts when I’m at work, so this is late, and who knows if anybody’ll see it, but w/e:

    Guys, I’m up to three commissions now! One sale I made completely by myself, one I made almost completely by myself, and another where I did the initial work, and the boss closed the deal and did the “here’s what venting and installation will cost” part. I feel remarkably grown up now, and also this will come out to be a bunch of extra money for me.

    Which, I suppose, makes up for the fact that the longer hours I’ve been putting in have kicked my depression into high gear, and I’m unable to do things like make complete meals. Or get out of bed in time to catch the bus. Or feel things.

    1. donkeywork +3

      Congratulations on the adulting and the extra money! Both good things deserving of praise–it’s so nice to hit a groove in a job and feel competent. But whoooeeeee I feel you on that downside. Next time you have a day off, or if that’s a ways out even a few hours, commit to making a list of things you can do for self-care. SIMPLE things: Knit, read, listen to music, dismantle the patriarchy, whatever, as long as it refills the part of you that work is emptying. Keep it handy, and remember there’s no shame in take-out if you just need to keep fed. If you have friends, enlist their help. I hope you feel better soon and that as you keep improving your work performance it will become easier and less consuming.

      1. Unreadaethel +5

        My next day off may or may not involve my ex coming to pick up his belongings, which I’ve had for a year and a half while he’s had a job in Europe. We’ll see if he stops pitching a shit fit about my desire for him to stay in a hotel, rather than on my sofa. But after that, it’s wine and takeout. 

        And I do, in fact, have a fantastic Team Me, and everybody supports my need to check out, order takeout, and accomplish nothing whatsoever.

  136. MilesofMountain +2

    To be honest, I get mild cramps once or twice a week and I’ve had my Mirena in for three years. That being said, I think I just have an exceptionally grumpy uterus.

  137. annacardea +2

    Yay, congrats! I’m 16 weeks into my first pregnancy. I’m also a pediatrician, so I’ve SEEN some of what can go wrong. I hear you on the anxiety thing, is what I’m saying! IntenseDebate is being weird (surprise), but whoever up there said that this was an exercise in being zen was right. It’s really hard to do, but probably good practice for when our little ones are actually out in the world.

    Things that have helped me: Find a resource you trust, one that is scientifically-based and backed by research but also written in plain language. I’ve actually found Baby Center to be pretty good — NOT the forums or article comments! But their articles are well-written and they have experts answer some of their questions. Don’t Google! If you’re having concerning symptoms (as opposed to just general questions), ask your doctor since they’ll be able to give you accurate answers that are not sensational. And if you don’t trust or like your doctor, you’ve got plenty of time to find another one.

    You’re probably already doing all of this, so I hope this isn’t too ‘splainy. I also think it’s totally reasonable to have some anxiety about the whole process, including labor and delivery. The whole thing is complex and difficult; getting balance by hearing about pregnancies that go well are important and I’m glad you asked Toasties to share with you (and the rest of us pregnant Toasties..proasties…croutons…idk). We’re building another person! Amazing!

    ETA: Argh. This is a reply to Scandyhoovian back on page 2. Not that anyone is still reading the open thread two days later!

  138. themegnapkin +4

    I’ve been on a few dates with this really cute dude, and I think I may have screwed it up by forgetting to text him back (I was at work and got caught up in what I was doing), and then I drunk-texted him on Saturday night, and so the ball is in his court and I don’t think he’s going to return it.
    I like him but didn’t see much of a future, so I’m just a bit bummed, and felt like I needed to let it out.

  139. This is She

    Prob too late for this to be seen, but I LOVE crafts — count me in! I also have boxes of craft-crap (not really crap, but craft supplies lacks alliteration) and could contribute in that manner if needed.

  140. This is She

    Again, I am the latest of late commenters, but just in case….
    Big Sugar! Any. It's all good.
    Blue Rodeo, Five Days in May. It's the best love song ever.
    Raul Mali – his first (I think?) CD is called Lucky One, and it's fantastic. I mean, so so so good.

  141. radventuretime

    Sorry for the delay in response – the ~*~*~ mystic forces of the universe ~*~*~*~ made my weekend super busy, and I had no time for readings.

    I drew: The reversed Ten of Wands
    If you look up the art for the Ten of Wands, you'll see what looks like a medieval peasant just hoarding the crap out of ten really large sticks. Look how tightly he's hugging them! MY STICKS, he says. MINE. I HAVE TEN STICKS, THE MOST STICKS. Look at how he runs away towards the village in the distance. DON'T TOUCH MY STICKS, he says, GO AWAY MY STICKS MINE. God, screw that guy. I mean, yeah, maybe he's nobly carrying the burdens of the world, determined in his quest to finish his journey no matter how great the struggle. But between you and me? Dude's totally humble-bragging, all like OH MAN LOOK HOW HEAVY ALL MY STICKS ARE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY STICKS YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND HOW HEAVY IT IS TO HAVE SO MANY COOL STICKS. As I said, the worst. Flip him upside down though, and you can see him for who he is – just a big old jerk taking on burdens he doesn't need, just so he can show off about how many problems he has, despite being the person who took them on in the first place. Reversed Ten of Wands is reminding you to not be that guy. Take as many sticks as you feel comfortable with, but don't expect pity when you take more then you know you can hold.

  142. braak

    Well, I don't know that I'd say it's *important*, necessarily, I'm sure you can get along just fine without it.  But Crowley (and a lot of the 20th century hermeticists) used this kind of integrative framework for their approach that combined elements of Tarot, Kabbalah, Indian mysticism, and some ideas about Egyptian mysticism (that were probably made up in the 17th century by neo-classicists but whatever).  I find that there's some synergy between the framework of the Kabbalah (specifically, the Kabbalah as filtered through early 20th century western mystics, I don't want to misrepresent myself as someone who has more than a passing familiarity with the authentic Jewish mystic tradition) and the Tarot — there are ten spheres in the sephiroth, and when you line them up with the ten ordinal minor arcana, the influence of those spheres lends some insight into the meaning of the cards (and makes them easier to remember).