I’m in an open relationship. I’m certainly not the only person in a non-monogamous relationship these days; my open status doesn’t score me nearly as many cool points as it once did, nor is it as controversial as it once was. Everything I read about non-monogamy is like “Yay! So much sex! Whoopeeee!”
Meanwhile, monogamy is written about like “Snoooooze fest. Divorce says it’s not working anyway. I am bored to literal tears.”
In my personal experience — which includes a failed marriage, several long-term monogamous relationships, some epically disastrous open relationships, and my current relationship that waffles between open and closed — I’ve found that stereotypes around these storylines have left us all with some expectations that could use adjusting.
NON-MONOGAMY: You’re doing it wrong/That shit’s hard.
Four years into our relationship and one year into our marriage, my wife Chris and I decided to open our relationship. A Capricorn and an Aquarius who’d had a bi-coastal relationship for our first year, we were already cocky, low-jealousy, “sharing” types who had cracked open the door to our relationship before — allowing casual make-outs and dates with people we affectionately called “randos” we thought we would probably never see again. But this time, when we said “open relationship,” we really meant it.
Not only did we mean it, it was my idea. Chris was working as a bartender and I was working a day job in the human services industry. Our schedules were completely opposite. When I decided to retreat to the cell service-less mountains for a month to direct a youth summer camp, it became clear that Chris wanted some…company. Her co-worker Alex had been interested in Chris for a while, so she seemed like the natural choice. Wanting to focus on my own personal growth, attracted to the freedom of disappearing to summer camp without worrying about Chris’s lack of company, I jumped at the opportunity to open our relationship. I had dabbled in non-monogamy previously in more casual relationships, so it wasn’t a hard leap for me to make. The diamonds latched to my ring finger certainly helped out in the security department. And as far as Chris was concerned, she was entering into a life with a girlfriend and a wife, so things weren’t looking too shabby for her, either.
Many have written compellingly about why humans are better suited to be non-monogamous, and how to do it ethically. Tristan Taormino’s book Opening Up is my personal open relationship bible. I don’t need to re-write her theories here about the non-monogamist belief that one partner can’t meet all of our needs, or how non-monogamy’s emphasis on consensual choice differentiates it from cheating. I want to talk about what it’s like to practice what writers like Taormino preach.
Sure, you can read Taormino’s book and totally agree with her theories: I don’t own my partner! She’s her own person! Society can’t put me in a box! Then one night you find yourself at home, cleaning up dog vomit after a tough work shift, while your girlfriend’s off with her other partner Hot Motorcycle Guy — and in your jealous, puppy-puke-ridden mind, they couldn’t possibly be doing anything other than feeding each other expensive steaks before having simultaneous orgasms at sunset. Suddenly monogamy starts looking real nice.
The most common pitfalls in open relationships exist in the big ol’ gap between people’s expectations of non-monogamy in theory, and the hard reality of non-monogamy in practice.
Waaaitttt, where’s all the sex?
Despite its most prevalent stereotype, non-monogamy is not all sex, sex, sex, but is actually mostly talk, talk, talk. Compared to monogamy, there aren’t as many predetermined rules of open relationships, so you’ve gotta make your own.
Many do this by designing a “relationship contract,” a verbal or written understanding of agreed-upon relationship boundaries. At first, this sounds really fun and cool, but once you start considering one, two, or ten other people’s wants, needs, insecurities, and boundaries, suddenly there’s not enough paper in the world. Throw in post-date check-ins and multiple PMS schedules and you’ll find your mouth isn’t exactly being used for the things you were hoping for.
When deciding on the structure of my non-monogamous relationship with Chris, I did what any studious, anal-retentive writer would: I assigned Alex and Chris Taormino’s book as required reading and created a due date for a draft of their hopes, dreams, and boundaries for our little arrangement. Once the assignments were completed, we scheduled a meeting with the three of us.
Pre-meet-up, Chris and I hashed out our own terms, separate from Alex: “Don’t take our dog to the park with her, because he’s like our kid” and “I don’t care how busy you are with your girlfriend and your wife, you still need to do your share of dishes and laundry.” By the time the three of us met at a cafe to hammer out the details of who got Saturday as a date night, we had put in what felt like a semester’s worth of open relationship homework. Terms were laid out, vetoed, negotiated and agreed upon. We had five typed pages when we were done.
Contract be damned, you’re just not psychic.
It’s crucial to get specific when building your relationships agreements (Who’s on-/off-limits? What activities are okay? Romantic dates? Just sex? Can you only have one-night stands, or can you date someone continuously? Will you kiss and tell or would you prefer ignorant bliss?). But you can’t predict the future.
Many newbie non-monogamists try to to build a contract by envisioning themselves in every possible scenario and conjuring up every possible emotional reaction. But it’s impossible to prevent occasional yuck in any relationship, especially an open one. Making your intentions clear and your agreements mutual and consensual is your strongest defense, and the contract process is a valuable one. But still, feelings will get hurt.
Spoiler alert: Chris and I got divorced six months after opening our relationship to Alex for reasons both related and unrelated to their extramarital canoodling. More recently, I’ve gotten back on the non-monogamy horse I fell off of with Chris, and am now on the other side of an open relationship with my current girlfriend, Sage. Our relationship door opened specifically to a friend of mine, Sebastian, who I wanted to casually sleep with a couple times a week. Busy at a new, demanding job, Sage wasn’t interested in pursuing outside sex with others, so we jumped into negotiating the terms of my sleeping with Sebastian while continuing to date Sage.
Things were different this time around. More fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants than Chris and I were, Sage wanted to lay out definite “no”s for my sexual interactions with Sebastian but then adjust the terms over time, according to how she felt. Sage is a feelings-driven, on-the-spot processor and experiential learner, so this seemed to work for her and for us.
Being in an open relationship with her showed me that no matter how much you talk about or type up the situation, your feelings about what happens when it happens can and will change. Sage taught me that the hardest part of being in an open relationship isn’t my own jealousy; it is actually being present and available for your partner to express their hurt, jealousy, and other challenging feelings raised by your fun and exciting extracurriculars. Yes, feelings get hurt. So, be a compassionate and validating partner when they do.
Don’t deny Darwin.
You can’t predict how your romantic/sexual relationships are going to make you feel. Opening up your relationship with your partner with the promise that you’ll never develop loving feelings for another can lead to self-denial, confusion, and broken agreements.
This was a lesson hard-learned in both my open relationships. Simply making space for feelings to grow and change, or at least acknowledging that they might, can prevent a big mess down the line. The fear that your partner will fall in love with their secondary playmate is highest on the list for many non-monogamous types. While it’s tempting to write in big, hulking block letters on that contract “NO FALLING IN LOVE,” this puts your partner (and yourself) in a bind.
The evolution of desire is a natural and chemical part of human sexual interaction. Falling in love is an organic, uncontrollable process. Asking your partner to control the uncontrollable can lead to guilt, resentment, shame, and, in some instances, bad behavior. Listing falling in love under the “Deal-Breakers” column tells your partner that if they feel these feelings, they must squash them or hide them from you in order to maintain the relationship(s) at stake.
Instead, make space for all feelings to be confessed. Be willing to embrace change in your primary and secondary relationship agreements in order to maintain the balance of work put in and happiness realized for all parties involved.
Unlearn life lessons in limited love.
Seeing multiple people might sound great, but thinking about your partner(s) doing the same can be scary. It’s hard to shut off the nagging voice telling that you must not be “enough” for your partner(s).
Love and affection isn’t limited like a glass of water that can only be distributed to so many different vessels before running out. But the fear that our partner’s love comes in a limited quantity is real. Give yourself permission to voice your fears, to yourself and your partner(s).
Jealousy sucks!
The free-loving poly community will sing the jealousy-fighting kumbaya of “compersion,” loosely defined as taking joy in your partner’s sexual and romantic relationships with others. Sounds great! But when your partner comes home glowing from a hot roll in the poly-hay with someone who isn’t you, jealousy can punch you in the gut. Sometimes all of the positive reinforcement and patchouli incense in the world can’t fix it. Create self-care strategies to help ride it out, and end any relationship if the jealousy isn’t balanced with happiness.
You can still cheat, and you still shouldn’t.
Just because something’s “open” doesn’t mean anything goes. Relationship boundaries can still be violated and trust can still be broken. Don’t use openness to justify your shitty behavior. (You know who you are.)
You can still get dumped.
When fantasizing about non-monogamy, it’s exciting to think about all of the positives that can be multiplied by your multiple relationships — orgasms! dates! emotional support! another set of hands to make grilled cheese sandwiches! Non-monogamy’s indulgence of all your hard-ons and heart-ons can make for lots of sex, love, loving sex, sexy love and all the other terms you wanna slap on your sweet time with your sweeties. But multiple relationships can also present multiple opportunities for heartache and heartbreak.
Sage and I had finally normalized Sebastian’s role in my life as a close friend and casual sex partner. We had finally stopped talking each other in circles about polyamorous theories, our fears, our jealously contingency plans, and who would walk the dogs on Sebastian’s Date Nights. Mere days after, Sebastian decided to take himself out of the equation. I didn’t blame him — having your friend ask you if you want to be part of her open lesbian relationship (but only on specific nights of the week, and only when her girlfriend gives the green light) was a lot to ask. Being asked to do all of this and not form any emotional attachment was another request entirely. So, I got dumped.
Getting dumped by a secondary partner is a strange experience. You would think their secondary nature might lessen the impact of getting dumped, but it doesn’t, not entirely. I cried on my couch in the dark for one dramatic minute, and then fought the impulse to call Sage and indulge the selfish wish of leaning on her because I had sad feelings about someone else.
Eventually, Sage and I talked about it, Sebastian and I talked about it, and once again, non-monogamy became more talk, talk, talk than sex, sex, sex. Sebastian and I remain friends without the sex, and Sage and I remain somewhere between non-monogamous-by-theory and monogamous-by-practice.
MONOGAMY: You Can Still Be Progressive. Promise.
For the majority, monogamy is the cultural de facto: boy marries girl, boy never flirts at work or masturbates in the shower or even thinks about watching porn because girl is all boy will ever need. There are also 2.5 kids and a white picket fence. De facto monogamy doesn’t acknowledge the possibility of non-monogamy. It was built on social constructions and is supported by laws involving tax breaks and idiots fighting against marriage equality. It’s notorious for ending in cheating, divorce, child custody battles, and jealousy-induced violence.
Because monogamy is “just the way things go,” we rarely think about it as a specific relationship style that we can choose (or not) with its own positives and negatives. When explored in terms of what a couple wants, instead of what a couple should do, a closed relationship or “chosen monogamy” can be just as intentionally constructed and progressive as an open relationship. While tired phrases like “the old ball-and-chain” put monogamy’s apparent drawbacks up front, monogamy has its perks:
Less time wasted with the green-eyed monster
Jealousy crops up in every relationship, but it’s a larger, more persistent beast within open ones. Constantly processing your value to your partner while they’re out on dates with others is emotionally draining. If you’re monogamous, you can save your jealousy for your best friend’s new car or your co-worker’s promotion instead.
More focused free time
Polyamory preaches that “love is limitless.” But time isn’t. Having one partner is high-maintenance enough. Once you’ve got several relationships the calendar really starts filling up. When practicing monogamy, the amount of extra time I have for yoga, schoolwork, and sleep is borderline-magical.
It’s cost-effective
Having a weekly date night with three partners is just downright pricey. Plus, if you love being spoiled like yours truly, it’s nice having all of your partner’s resources instead of a measly third.
Fewer trips to the clinic
Monogamous sex isn’t inherently safer sex, but having one partner does mean there are fewer variables to consider in the safer-sex element of your life.
We heart stability
Humans are habitual creatures. We like to order the same double latte at the same cafe every day, and sometimes we like to have the same person to have dinner, sex, and vacations with. Especially if you’re a busy professional, dealing with personal or family illness, or just love alone time, you might have other priorities besides juggling multiple, moving pieces in your romantic/sexual sphere.
Since Sage and I have found ourselves back in Monogamyville, we haven’t talked much about leaving it, aside from casual jokes made about making my two-hour commute to graduate school easier by finding a partner in my school’s state to spend the night with (after all, sex and practicality are two of my favorite things). While I’m sure we’ll eventually return to non-monogamy, the hustle-and-bustle of grad school, dog care, demanding day jobs, and oh yeah, finding some alone time in the midst of it all makes monogamy the best choice for us at this particular time.
CHOOSE YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIP ADVENTURE
The truth is, all relationships — open, closed, or slightly ajar — have the potential to exist somewhere on the ever-sliding scale between totally blissed out and totally fucked up. While it’s easy to imagine an open relationship exploding into a tearful tornado of jealousy, self-doubt, and hurled iPhones, anyone who’s ever been monogamous can certainly say the same.
Instead of blindly following the age-old monogamous screenplay laid out for us by our parents, movies, and tax structure, we can consciously commit to one person in a way that works for us, because we want to. Instead of being up on our “evolved” polyamorous hipster high horses, unaccountably sleeping with half the town in the name of the New Age without any thought to the real feelings of our multiple partners, let’s look at both open and closed relationships as two equally valid, messy, complex choices. Then, let’s all make our relationship choices with a strong commitment to the happiness of ourselves and our partner(s), whether we’ve got one or one hundred.
“You can still get dumped.”
You can still get dumped via text message while you’re out of town for several weeks by someone who is a shitty piece of shit manipulator, even! Whee.
A fun alternative is getting dumped via total radio silence and never getting a response to your texts or emails again, after almost 8 months of dating!
OH THAT HAPPENED TO YOU TOO?
(Are you me?)
This is great. “Don’t use openness to justify your shitty behavior.” Seriously. I have both dated that person and been that person. Ugh.
Though that one photo had me laughing so hard one of my managers came in to see if I was okay.
YUP
YYYYYYYEP.
Yes. I had a brief thing with a guy who claimed to be single, but who I found out well after the fact was in a committed open relationship at the time. It was totally clear on both sides that it was just for fun and was never going to turn into a relationship, but he did explicitly tell me that he was single. When I found out that that wasn’t true, I was upset, and nobody I talked to about it could understand why. “But he wasn’t cheating or lying to his girlfriend. They have an agreement. It’s OK with her.” Yeah, that’s all true. But somebody lying to me to get into my pants is not OK with me! And nobody got that. I even got the “Well, if the outcome would’ve been the same if he’d been up front about it, then isn’t it basically the same thing?” Nope. Being honest and being dishonest are not the same thing. At all. This sentence made me happy, because it encompassed the point I was trying to make that I couldn’t seem to get across.
Wow, I really am surprised to hear people were saying sh*tty things like that. Lying is sh*tty behavior, and lying about something as big as relationship status is pretty darn terrible.
Mr. Wench (really, he’s the wench-ier of us) has taken up with OKStupid looking for friends/casual things, and I recognize how hard it can be to roll out the “actually, I’m married” to those who have only really hung out in the monogomy sphere. That’s why sometimes he waits for, say, the second date… y’know, the one after the one that ended with a kiss on the cheek.
I was really surprised too! I don’t think people were trying to be jerky about it either. More like they just genuinely didn’t understand what the problem was and truly thought they were being reassuring by pointing out that he wasn’t cheating with me. (Also, “wench-ier” is a fantastic adjective.)
Love this. I think I would have too much trouble with jealousy to be non-monogamous (though I’ve never tried it, so who knows) but I also particularly loved that you mentioned how time-consuming it can be! Even balancing one romantic relationship with work, sleep, and getting enough time alone and with friends is tricky for me.
My partner said recently in regards to our relationship “I don’t know if I can manage to date anyone else right now; I can’t even keep up with my Words With Friends games…”
“boy marries girl, boy never flirts at work or masturbates in the shower or even thinks about watching porn because girl is all boy will ever need.”
Man, I am so glad this idea of monogamy seems to be going away, because there is a big, big difference between masturbating and cheating. Sometimes it amazes me how the concept of “just be honest with your needs, especially if they change” eludes so many relationships.
My partner and I have been together around 16-17 years now, and a lot of our friends seem to think we have some great secret that is keeping us together. They seem pretty nonplussed when I’m like “talk about everything all the time.”
I never understood why masturbating even entered the realm of “cheating” behavior, and it baffles me to no end when people complain about their partners doing it.
Same!!! My boyfriend and I both masturbate regularly – it fills a different need (especially considering we like very different porn), it’s fun, and it’s just downright convenient if the other isn’t around or interested. When I tell people that neither of us has a problem with it, people are SHOCKED. “Is something wrong with your sex life?” Um, no, we’re both very happy with it, thanks. We’re just also both very happy with our sex lives with OURSELVES.
I definitely don’t think of masturbating as “cheating” and my boyfriend and I both do it and support each other doing it.
BUT
My boyfriend’s sex drive took a nose dive after we moved in together, and it was pretty shocking and difficult for me, and the fact that sex began to be this huge chore and huge deal made me super hurt, and the hurt was really compounded by his jerking off on the daily, sometimes twice.
We’ve worked things out (we are working things out – it’s a process with so much talking), and definitely part of the solution was him directing some of his sexual energy back into our relationship and away from masturbation.
So I guess that’s just a slightly different perspective on that issue.
Yeah! Sorry for the blanket statement. There are a ton of factors that can muddy the masturbatory waters. I hope you and your boyfriend are able to work everything out!!
Haha thank you! It’s WAY better now. He’s a gem, and as is to be expected, we are complicated creatures with feelings and just have to work things out. Luckily he’s good at talking. I have a higher sex drive in general, and then he felt pressured, and then it kind of spiralled out of control. Lots of talking and gentleness has got us back on track.
It’s been a bit weird and interesting for me, because I’ve never been anti-masturbation before, like AT ALL. I gave my boyfriend an iPad for Christmas last year when he moved specifically so he had something convenient to look at porn (and sports stats) on in our new space. I was like “have at her! and her and her and her”.
But this situation caused me to feel viscerally something about his masturbation. The closest feeling I can compare it to is jealousy. Not just a vague feeling, but a intense, visceral, angry, painful feeling, in the gut, a feeling that makes it a bit hard to breathe. I walked in on him a few times and felt myself FREAKING OUT, with no where to put those feelings, because I didn’t even totally understand them, and they came from a place I didn’t think existed.
As an aside, your girlfriend turning into a barely controlled sad-rage monster when you jerk off is not exactly the perfect cure for a flagging interest in sex with her caused by feeling sex-pressure.
Jealousy definitely sounds like it could be that feel. It’s really hard when it comes to any sort of thing in that context: I wish my partner could give me more (x), my partner says that they’re giving all the (x) they can, I try to make peace with it, I suddenly walk in on my partner giving a whole lot of (x) to someone else/an empty room/whatever. I could definitely (and kinda have, in the past) get jealous of an empty room in that context.
But I’ve also been that partner so often, especially when it comes to lust-y feels. I have never had much abilitiy to predict which way my lady-boner will point at any given point, or had any success intentionally redirecting it. In my relationship, it means I’ve found titillation and excitement in getting to go where the hormone winds blow… but even more relief in knowing my partner is free to do the same. (Which is not a “you should do this” obnoxious directive! I just want to say that I feel for both of you in that situation, and I wish you the best in working it out!)
Every single one of these pictures is a sparkling star of perfection. Don’t get me wrong, this essay is great too and I’m thinking on it already, but THOSE PICTURES. 😀
Oh, I also thought that “clopen” was some sort of cloven hooved relationship animal when reading the title, so maybe I should wait until after coffee to read.
Thank you for writing this. I’ve been ruminating on this topic lately, and this encapsulates so much of what I’m feeling right now. I got a big lecture — at a very inappropriate moment when I was expressing an emotional need to a friend — about the amazing freeness of polyamory over monogamy’s inherent narrowness and all I could think was, “People are still people, with feelings. It can still get messy. Nobody’s relationship is the same.”
Man, as a poly person, I fucking hate the poly superiority drum some poly folks beat. Poly is great for some people, monogamy is great for some people. Life is a rich tapestry, as Mallory says.
Open relationships = so much fucking TALKING. Talking about feelings! Talking about plans! Talking about experiences!
Every time I get into the “Whee! Non-monogamy is amazing I don’t know why people would ever cheat” headspace, the incredible amount of communications and feeling-sharing that comes with successful non-monogamy reminds me of how much easier straightforward cheating was in the spur of the moment.
Also, other heads up about non-monogamy — ruts still happen. I’ve been with one partner for 10 years, and the other partner for 4, and there’s been ruts and dullness in both relationships. The upside — missing each other while spending time with other people is a way to really quickly revitalize the ruts.
Thanks for acknowledging that some of us are built for monogamy and aren’t just deluding ourselves, as one memorable poly asshole told me. I am super down with people who are built for sharing rocking on with their partners (I think we should allow marriages between more than two partners, provided all partners certify that they are aware of each other), but daaang I have become wary of poly evangelists.
To be clear, I have beautiful wonderful poly friends who heard my “don’t set us up with anyone please, I have no romantic/sexual interest outside my partner” message the first time they asked and were like “roger, dude, so, wanna watch game of thrones with me and my primary and our girlfriends”. But I have met so many casual acquaintances who seem determined to tell me if I don’t open stuff up I am totally gonna get cheated on, that’s just SCIENCE.
Ugh … poly-evangelicals are just the worst. I get that they’ve found something that works really well for them, but not everyone is built that way.
I turned poly because it’s what works for me; my primary partner is monogamous because it’s what works for him. Both choices and lifestyles are equally valid, and both are incredibly personal.
I’m religious and he’s an atheist, I’m vegetarian and he eats meat, and we live our lives our way.
Whaaaaaat they were trying to set you up against your will? Even when I have been single that would have jangled my nerves to death. You need an explicit invitation to start arranging dates for your friends, people.
I love my poly friends so hard because they seem to get it, deep down in their bones, that I am a monogamous animal. But the stray acquaintances who feel the need to evangelize are grossssssssss.
I appreciate that you wrote this in a way that acknowledges the benefits / drawbacks of both kinds of relationships! I’ve heard such a tendency to treat one as always better than the other 100% of the time, which is just silly.
Actually, I read The Ethical Slut recently and was very put off by it — I have no problem with open relationships, of course, but the sense that I got was “you’re wrong if you don’t do this / being poly is better in every conceivable way.” I’ve never been in an open relationship and I’m single at the moment, but I’d consider an open relationship under the right circumstances, but this book just rubbed me the wrong way (especially the fact that it seemed to imply that cheating in monogamous relationships wasn’t really a bad thing, and the cheated-on should have empathy for the cheater).
The Ethical Slut definitely has some issues as a book. Try Opening Up, it is way less “run away to a lesbian hippie commune” and more actual practical advice.
When my husband and I were building our relationship to open it, we read Opening Up twice and did all the exercises. Then, we read Ethical Slut as supplementary material and both just didn’t get it. Opening Up gives many more perspectives and helps you figure out what you want from your open relationship, whereas Ethical Slut is just like “Everybody just does whatever and no one gets hurt!” Which is not helpful in most relationships.
I have also had worse experiences with Ethical Slut evangelicals than with Opening Up/fly by the seat of their pants-ers.
I’ll have to read Opening Up — that’s two recommendations in a row!
The Ethical Slut seemed to try to make these quantitative, almost scientific laws about the nature of love and sex — I remember in particular that there were so many times where they wrote some variation of “you could have a million partners and it wouldn’t diminish the love and affection you have for each of them!” and all I can think is — yeah, it would! Time isn’t infinite, and I don’t think it would be emotionally possible to love twenty partners you were splitting your time with with the same depth as one person you were with for a length of time. That’s not to bash poly relationships at all (and for some people, having that many partners might be the ideal situation), but it just seems naive to think that number of partners has absolutely no effect on the kind of relationship you can have with them. Does that make sense? I’m not sure I’m phrasing what I mean very well.
After my boyfriend cheated on me and dumped me at his graduation, he texted me a few weeks later telling me he’d just read The Ethical Slut and I should really read it because it would help me understand why he just “can’t” be monogamous and why he’d cheated. Like I had any interest in “understanding” him at this point? Hell to the naw.
This was very, very informative. Thank you.
Oh, yes. I learned the dumping lesson quite recently. It’s almost worse to get dumped when you’re poly and they stay poly afterwards because they aren’t leaving you for someone, they’re leaving you because they definitely don’t want to be with you.
An old friend of mine once explained to me how she scheduled her various partners and I was just like, you know, I can barely get to a movie I want to see before it leaves the damn theater, this lifestyle is clearly not for me. This article has only reinforced that conclusion! I feel sleepy just from reading it. Sleepy and impressed.
This is great and it confirms why for now, monogamy is best for me.
This in the tags had me laughing, “they are not about to have sex in the dewey cox screenshot i just love it”
This article makes non-monogamy sound like nothing but a huge pain in the ass. Why bother?
Admittedly, I have a bit of a dim view of it to begin with as several of the people I know who call themselves poly seem to find themselves always on the secondary, easily dumped, “whenever I have time for you, which will be mostly never” end of the deal, and it seems like they sell themselves short to put up with that but they think they can’t hope for better. It’s really painful to witness as a friend to these people. It seems like a really bad deal. Articles and stories about non-monogamy never seem to focus on these always-the-secondary-never-the-primary sorts of situations.
I know exactly one person for whom non-monogamy has worked out long term and it is more of a swinging deal – the person is in a very strong primary marriage and the extramarital situations are mostly just for fun, hardly any relationship components to them at all.
SLIGHTLY AJAR. Thank you so much for that perfect description of my relationship. We’ve been together for 11 years and have had fun casual flings and one really serious poly relationship that blew up in our faces, and we’ve been defaulting to monogamy since that trauma, but we both know that something will probably come up again in the future. Good thing we like talking to each other!
“non-monogamist belief that one partner can’t meet all of our needs”
I don’t think there is nearly the philosophical divide between “poly” and “monogamous” “people” as there is between people who see others as resources with which to meet their needs and people who don’t. Certainly polyamorous people don’t have a monopoly on that kind of aggressively commodifying worldview but the popular subcultural vocabulary is peculiarly consumed with it and I would bet, if I were a betting woman, and I am, that this notion puts more outsiders off the concept than jealousy, tradition and social conditioning combined. that is to say I’m not just picking at Tristan Taormino here because she happened to be cited, it’s everywhere, it saturates the discourse.
my exes from closed and open relationships alike may say what they will about me, and they need not even be kind, but whatever I have done and not done in the name of love I can go to my grave with my head held high in the knowledge that I have never fulfilled some, all, or any of a man’s needs. god shield us all from that.
Wow, this pinpoints so much of what has made me uncomfortable about the way some people describe polyamory and I’ve never thought of it that way before. The other side of “You don’t own a person” might be “No individual or series of individuals owes you the exact sex life you desire”.
Wow, I’d never thought about it like that before. Thank you for that perspective. In my one experience with polyamory, my primary partner (who basically said “well, I can’t be monogamous, so if you want to be with you we have to be open) really did treat women as commodities who had to meet his sexual needs.
But that now makes me wonder…if the basic tenet of polyamory is “one partner can’t meet all your needs”…how does that not imply “you (my primary partner) are not enough for me”?
I think the idea is it does imply that, and consciously, too. it is supposed to be hard-nosed realism up against the wifty romanticism of monogamists. my problem with it is that wifty romanticism is and has always been my access route into being in sympathy with polyamory — you fall in love with two or three people, you can’t bear to sacrifice either because true love is just that rare and that important. just like you don’t have to choose just one parent or one child, why should you have to choose just one husband?
but popular thinking and advice columnists have been trending away from believing in true love as a real thing for, I don’t know, decades now, so it’s no wonder that argument isn’t the favorite anymore.
But that vision could not be more antithetical to the checklist-style catalog shopping version, where you make up a list of things a life partner could hypothetically do for you, such as fucking and grocery shopping and tabletop gaming and quiet companionship, and get enough people hired on to make sure that all the shifts and duties are covered. possibly it is only the internet making things seem so dreary, though.
but fulfilling needs…for me — and this may be a woman thing insofar as women may tend to the fear of being seen as an unparticularized source of maternal nurturing and care by their ostensibly romantic partners — it is infinitely preferable to be passionately desired than to be needed. the only need I have time for is the need for me, personally and individually, and in the vernacular that is called being in love.
But one person isn’t enough.
I suppose it depends on what you mean by “enough.” I just think that the current emphasis on the idea that one romantic partner is going to be my hot lover always, and my best friend, and my life coach kind of thing, is flat-out unrealistic.
I have close friendships outside my boyfriend, and I assume you have friendships outside of your romantic partner (if you have one). How is that NOT saying “one person isn’t enough”?
In terms of sexual needs: what if me or my boyfriend had a kink the other one wasn’t into? If the relationship is otherwise fulfilling, why is it so bad to have that need met outside of our relationship?
Having close friends outside of my relationships is actually one of the reasons why I’ve never felt the need for open relationships/polyamory. Sure, a romantic relationship can’t be my one source of companionship and support, because that’s unhealthy and unrealistic – but that’s where my friends come in. Through them I can have a fulfilling social life, and sex/romance doesn’t need to enter into it because one partner *can* meet my sexual/romantic needs. That’s why I like what the commenter above said (sorry, I’m on my phone and it’s making everything difficult) about a better model for polyamory being “I have feelings for/have fallen in love with multiple people” rather than “one person can’t meet all my needs.”
I’m sorry if I’m being inarticulate; this is a topic on which I have a lot of trouble being objective and eloquent. In college I fell for a guy who was in an open relationship, so I played second fiddle to his primary partner for a long time. Eventually they broke up and he chose me, but I told him I couldn’t deal with nonmonogamy anymore and needed us to be exclusive. He agreed, but spent our whole relationship resenting me for keeping him from other women and making it very clear that I had to work to be “enough” for him – by being super sexually available and adventurous and trying things I didn’t necessarily want or like. Long story short, that’s why I have such a strong negative icky reaction to the idea of one person not being “enough” for their partner. I realize that’s not how all poly people treat
their partners.
“I have close friendships outside my boyfriend, and I assume you have friendships outside of your romantic partner (if you have one). How is that NOT saying “one person isn’t enough”? ”
“one person is enough”, in context, is clearly about one person (who is a romantic partner) being enough (to make them happy in their romantic life.) Nobody who is monogamous is suggesting that they desire to be locked in a remote mountain cabin with their lover and not permitted to receive phone calls or visits from friends or family ever again. except me, and nobody listens to me.
wanting to have exactly one lover is much like wanting to have exactly one child. you could equally argue that one child could never be enough, since you need one to make you proud with their accomplishments, one to support you in your old age, one to share your cultural tastes, and so on, and what are the odds of just one child being able to fulfill all those expectations and needs? Very low.
re: the last paragraph, if your sexual desire is for a person and not for an abstracted act, you can’t fulfill that desire with a different person. it’s not like wanting a peanut butter sandwich and your partner’s allergic, so you ask a friend, because all that matters is you get your sandwich and nobody dies. in the words of the great Isak Dinesen, it matters who makes your sandwich. [1]
this is not an anti-poly screed — I perfectly understand how to desire two people at once and have even done it. but it is another thing to approach one’s bodily wants as you would a list of any other things you want to acquire, with no strong preference for who is going to provide them for you. if you want to tie your husband to the bed and, let’s say, force him to read the New York Times style section to you, that very specific need cannot be met by finding a different man to perform the same actions. so it’s not that it’s “so bad,” only that, the way many people’s desires are constructed, it’s not possible. and to find that for your partner, it is possible, might be an unpleasant revelation.
[1] all right all right, “… ‘I do not think, if my chef succeeds in making me a good omelette, that I bother much whether he loves me or not.’ A young man could not have put his answer into those words, but he might say that he did not care whether his wine merchant was of his own religion or not, and imagine that he had got close to the truth of things.” wine merchant, sandwich maker, all the same.
That is an excellent sandwich analogy.
Your point about desires necessitating a specific desired partner, though, makes me wonder whether the crux of the matter isn’t that some people are simply wired to be happier in monogamous arrangements and some in polygamous arrangements, and all the talk of “enough” is just papering over mutual incomprehension. This article makes the point that relationships of all stripes should be examined, and since many people can divorce romance from sex from commitment entirely, isn’t it possible that Hypothetical Balthazar should get handholding&holidays with Fred and roleplay&movies with Daphne with no desire for Fred and Daphne to perform each other’s roles -as two separate relationships with two separate dynamics rather than tickboxes (while Hypothetical Caspar cleaves only to Velma for all categories desiring no other?) I mean, I am not one of them but probably some people’s desires aren’t constructed that way at all.
Oh my gosh, thank you for articulating this. This was exactly the problem with the non-monogamous relationship I was in- I always felt that he liked me because my personality traits simply fit into his “need” slots, and not because I was a real, whole person with varied interests. Most of our conversations centred around him getting his “needs” met, which is what much of the justifications I hear from poly people centre on.
Just be responsible for fulfilling your own needs, because no one or combination will ever be enough.
My relationship has been going strong for 12 years, and it’s the same deal. We’ve also gone from monogamous-by-default to open-by-choice (although I might steal the phrase “ajar,” I love that), and people are amazed that we could make that change. I’m far more amazed by people who assume that what they wanted when they were 23 will be the same as what they want when they’re 35.
1) The joke I always make is: “Monogamy is like Ritalin: absolutely perfect for some people but wildly over-prescribed.”
2) My now-husband and I have been non-monogamous since about the six-month mark of our six and a half years together. But that’s dependent on having pretty clear boundaries (we aren’t polyamorous, we just enjoy having sex with other people, both of us being there at once is preferred to one or the other going off with another person, certain activities are off-limits with others, etc), communicating clearly about what we need and what bothers us, and being loving and respectful. So…the same rules that work for the other aspects of our relationship.
3) Frequently, life makes it difficult to impossible for us to be non-monogamous in practice, but I feel that just having it available in theory is a huge pressure-release valve.
4) We’re also both men, and it seems to me that the ingrained expectation of monogamy is far less common among gay men, though I haven’t made a full study of it.
There does seem to be significant overlap between The Queers and The Poly People of my aquaintance, though my viewpoint is probably warped by knowing comparatively few straight people. Hypothesis: it’s because there are fewer default settings for queer relationships, fewer assumptions, and therefore the habit of talking over relationship roles and figuring out what works best in each individual relationship is more ingrained.
I feel like I can’t thank you enough for acknowledging that monogamy can still be an intentional, progressive choice. I personally am not cut out for polyamory, for a lot of reasons – high jealousy levels, not great at managing my time, plus just a general tendency to only have feelings for one person at a time. (I tried it for a while in college and it was a total disaster both because of my faults and the fact that my partners were kind of shitty people.) But because of the circles I hang out in, I encounter a lot of holier-than-thou polyamorous folks, the kind who read The Ethical Slut and decided that theirs was the “right” relationship style. (A lot of them, like my ex, practice polyamory in order to get maximum tail and are not sensitive to the needs of their partners…but I digress.) Anyway, point is, I fuckin hate that attitude and I loved reading this piece because that’s not how you approach it.
It’s so great to see a piece about how relationships can fluctuate between monogamy and non-monogamy over time, and that which one is “best” for the people involved is likely going to vary. I feel like the dominant narrative is that once a relationship is opened up, there’s no going back and it’s unfair to even consider it and that’s always seemed very off to me.
Also, who the hell thought up the word “compersion”? I can’t think of a less fitting word for joy in another’s happiness. It sounds like something you’d need to treat with a first aid kit.
Thank you so much for this. I broke up with my (beautiful, wonderful, kind, giving) partner of two years because my partner realized he was polyamorous (or at least he wanted polyamory at this point in his life), and I couldn’t do it. We tried opening up twice, but our open relationship was just for casual sex — I wasn’t comfortable with him pursuing emotional or romantic intimacy with his sexual partners. He never violated any of my boundaries or rules, but he did want to be able to pursue all kinds of intimacy with other people. I couldn’t even be okay with him pursuing sexual intimacy, let alone the rest of it.
I read the Ethical Slut to see if maybe I could be okay with polyamory, but in the end, it’s not something that I can do or even something that I want, so we had to break up — it was the healthiest decision for both of us.
The break-up and the Ethical Slut left me with this feeling, though, that I don’t want or can’t do polyamory because I’m not evolved enough. My politics aren’t radical enough, or I’m not mature/self-confident, or I’m too jealous and possessive. I keep feeling like if I was a better, stronger, more progressive person, then I’d be polyamorous. I keep feeling like my desire for monogamy is a personal failing.
This comment makes so much sense to me. My politics are pretty damn radical and I fully support all my poly friends, but I’ve never been able to do the poly thing in my own relationships. I don’t think it’s a personal failing — it’s more like trying to wear a shoe that’s too small or too big. Your foot isn’t the wrong size, and the shoes are probably great, they’re just for someone else.
Hey. All the communicating, and all the healing and consoling that goes into successful polyamory… is a lot of work. The Ethical Slut can rightly be criticized by making it sound like the whole world is one big MDMA rave, and we can just melt effortlessly into and out of each other. It’s not about getting to have a sex buffet, it’s about loving without limits… breaking down the wall between Eros and Agape.
It’s interesting that you feel like it’s a “personal failing”. That’s not quite right, but please be suspicious of people who tell you “that’s just the way you are dear, don’t worry, those stupid poly people can go take a hike.” My guess is you are ready to work on whatever traumas our messed up culture has inflicted on you, nobody gets through this Sexist Racist Ecocidal Capitalist society without some wounding- it is NOT your personal failing… it is your coming to awareness of the healing your heart must do so it can transmit and receive more love. Bueno suerte!
SO HAPPY to see this piece generating healthy, reflective commentary & resource-sharing about monogamous, non-monogamous & I-don’t-fucking-know-gamous relationships! Your thoughts, comments & support makes me wanna negotiate flexible and conscious relationship terms with all y’all. Thanks!! <3
And if you’d like to see/read more from me, come on over to my Facebook page called Yana Tallon-Hicks, natch.
THANK YOU so freaking much, you probably just saved the future of my relationship and saved my heart&soul an awful lot of pain and frustration and misunderstanding… I still need to get around the idea of having a polyamory companion but I don’t feel (so much) like it’s a personal rejection or failure, and I think it could actually work someday, with enough talking… and especially I don’t believe things are definitely settled anymore, nether for a relationship, my companion, or (and especially) me ! Thank you thank you !
I am polyamorous. I am in favor of seeing more articles and books out there in the world that talk about choosing monogamy or non-monogamy, without claiming that one is better than the other. Even as a poly person, I am frustrated at how often I see poly evangelism. I think hardcore poly evangelists do the community a disservice by actually alienating the people they are ostensibly trying to convince. It doesn’t need to be that way.
For this reason, I was excited to see an article written by someone attempting to bridge the gap between those who swear by monogamy and those who swear by non-monogamy. There really isn’t one right answer for everybody. There really isn’t anyone, other than yourself, who can tell you what relationship style you should choose. That being said, I found the approach to non-monogamy outlined in this article to be pretty far removed from the realities I see in my poly social circle and in my own life. My love life is really freakin’ straightforward. Is there a lot going on sometimes? Yes. Is it stressful and messy? Not at all. There are no rules and contracts to keep track of. There’s a lot of checking in and processing, yes — but I actively enjoy that sort of thing. And I believe that if everyone comes to the table with an open heart, razor-sharp communication skills, and, critically, an approach that reflects a true desire for and expectation of success, an open relationship won’t feel fraught. It does NOT need to be “a huge pain in the ass” as another commenter here said. I know a lot of people with quite mundane poly lives. The thing is, when things are going well, you don’t hear about it as often. Which makes me tempted to shout from the rooftops about how well my life is going, but if I did *that,* then I suppose I’d be on my high horse. So instead, I just try to live well and do right by others, and hope that my example shows people that poly isn’t always a headache.
Monogamy is a perfectly valid relationship choice, but in my estimation, it also doesn’t really need a lot of defending. It’s still the cultural status quo. If you choose monogamy, you are still in the majority, and I think the reason a lot of poly people are so outspoken is similar to the reason a lot of subcultures feel the need to be outspoken. For a long long time, we haven’t been heard at all, so I only ask for a little understanding about why some of us are overly enthusiastic about it.
this is a very refreshing comment
I don’t have anything to add to the discussion of nonmonogamy, but as someone who’s previously discussed polyamory using terms from graph theory, I’m very happy to see that I’m not the only who uses math terminology to describe relationships. Unless you independently coined ‘clopen’, in which case, good job, it’s a fun word!
I have a lot of the same feelings as you, so I can’t authoritatively say “it’s not a personal failing and here’s why!” but know that you’re not alone. And know that (while I haven’t read it) as other commenters said above, The Ethical Slut does seem to be a book with a lot of issues, one being its “polyamory is the more ~evolved~ ~rational~ ~superior~ choice” attitude. It’s not! It’s A choice, not inherently better or more evolved than monogamy.
I think that attitude may be partly a defensive tactic against people asserting that polyamory is “immoral,” “unnatural,” “wrong,” or “slutty,” or any other negative adjectives that some might throw at it. When everyone’s telling you your relationship style is wrong, it’s probably hard not to get defensive about it. But then us monogamous folks who run in poly circles may get their backlash, being told (directly or indirectly) that we’re just not mature/evolved enough for polyamory. Which is nonsense, just like saying that polyamory is immoral and unnatural is nonsense!
I know it’s a spectrum, but I feel like there is a mutually incomprehensible thing going on between people sometimes. I can’t explain how it is possible for me to love or care for more than one person without any of those loves diminishing the others; I viscerally can’t quite get how that would not be the case, as good as I am at trying to imagine being other people. I am terribly jealous – but the root of all that jealousy is insecurity. It’s the panic that what I *need* will be denied or taken away, when what I need is someone’s attention. But on my end, I feel like the more I love the more love I have to share, and my attention is more easily turned away from my partner by me withdrawing into myself than it is by exuberance for more cool humans.
I think there is a wiring component to this. I used to think I would grow out of it, but 20 years of love life later, I just feel like I’m more aware of how trying to smother this part of myself simply makes me close off from everyone, partner especially.
I have always had difficulty opening up to others and I tend to succeed the most when I have a close circle of a few loved ones and lots of me time. I’ve always known I only have room in my heart for one partner at a time, in order to preserve my sanity, though many of my friends are enjoying casual sex culture or the poly life and they seem happy and fulfilled. I previously felt a little insecure about it really, like perhaps they are the truly enlightened ones? That didn’t feel right, but I could articulate quite why. Now I have some solid idea of why I want what I want but I understand why my friends want what they want, and its all good.
Thank you for sharing this. Currently opening up as a mono for a newly poly partner and discovering this as we go. My need for information and reassurance is intense! It helps to define your 11 year marriage as primary up front and remember that the commitment is still there. Will be put to the test soon enough and who knows how long I will go on being mono since there’s always the jealousy and attempts to get over it through understanding and feeling loved and validated.
google calendar is a godsend 😛
Thankyou so much for sharing this post and after becoming polyamorous this past year it has certainly opened my eyes to the possibilities and heartaches in being such a relationship. Even though my partner is incredibly supportive I find that I’m not ever sure I will ever have a secondary partner of my own whilst he will have many partners to help ease the heartache when he is so far away.
My same-sex girlfriend (who is bisexual) of 2 years recently dropped the bombshell on me that she wants to start sleeping with others. She said she wants to remain my girlfriend but also wants to date and have sexual relationships with other people. I am completely monogamist, I have been head over heels in love with her since 7th grade (we are now 19) and she has been my only sexual partner and she is all I ever needed, she is all I have ever wanted. She said that she wants a poly-relationship because she is still in-love with me but still has a strong desire to sleep with other people. The thought of her with others in any intimate way makes me physically ill, I can’t breath, I throw up continuously, I get dizzy and sometimes faint, but the thought of losing her also does this. Should I stick it out and love her anyway, always hoping that one day I might be enough? Or do I lose her forever? Either way there is going to be gut-wrenching horrible pain for me and she gets what she wants. Its a lose-lose scenario for me and a win-win for her. Please help me.
I literally was/am in the same boat. Just over a year ago my girlfriend wanted to open up our relationship to another guy she had slept with before. I didn’t. At all. She kept telling me I could sleep with other people too but that was zero consolation, I didn’t want anyone else I wanted her. We fought, we cried, I had panic attacks, we continued to fight every day for months. I have serious abandonment issues because my parents got divorced, and then my mother died shortly after that. But this was worse than that. This was literally the darkest period of my entire life. I ended up admitting myself to the hospital to try and get away from the stress and get a handle on the situation from a distance with professional help and medication and that helped a lot.
Looking back on the experience it was in a way good for me because I grew a lot from it and I am so much stronger than ever was before. But at the same time I wouldn’t go through it again. And if I had known how much pain I would be putting myself through I would have not gone through with it, I would have just broken up with her. But I did go through it and I came out on the other side.
Months later while we were still struggling with this, I was mentally preparing to break up with her. I was very depressed because of this and my girlfriend could tell. She thought I was falling out of love. When we discussed this I basically told her, I couldn’t be in an open relationship, and If she wanted one she would have to pursue it without me. I guess she never considered that possibility for real, and she was just waiting for me to come around to her point of view. So we came to a compromise, she would stop pursuing an open relationship but I had to be open to the idea at some point in the future if something arises not to outright refuse to consider it.
Now Almost a year later we are discussing it again. It’s not as bad as last time, I’m not having panic attacks but I am still very uncomfortable. If she is not willing to see how much work and communication goes into an open relationship (basically everything covered in this article) then we will probably break up.
So here is some advice that has come to me and I have learned the hard way.
1. Get some distance. This is a very emotional, and physical and emotional space can help you react rationally instead of emotionally.
2. This is the thing that everyone told me that I was in denial of but it is unfortunately true. She is not worth it, by which I mean, your relationship should not continue at the expense of your health and sanity. I know you are in love. I am too, I was and I still am, and that’s not going to change.
3. This is something my therapist told which I haven’t had the balls to try. Tell her if she wants to explore an open relationship she can do it without you. Tell her if she wants to try monogamy again that you will be waiting for her. ( or not waiting that’s up to you) This will have to effects. She will probably find out how much actual work, talk, heart ache goes into a poly relationship, and maybe she will change her mind. And in the meantime maybe you can find someone whose ideals in a relationship correspond more closely to your own. ( or again not, that’s up to you)
I could literally write a book about my experience, but the most important piece of advice I have is take care of yourself, and don’t sacrifice your happiness for hers. That can never lead to a healthy relationship.
I see that you posted this a quite awhile ago, and I really hope you are doing ok. I know how hard it is and how painful this can be, I really really do. If nothing else talking about this experience has been helpful for me.
Hey friend – listen to your body. It is giving you a clear signal about what you are and are not ok with in your life. I would encourage you to wholeheartedly honor the sick feelings that you are having and communicate your truth to your girlfriend. Withholding your truth from her will be far more painful than whatever outcome came from you being honest and direct with her about how you feel. The success of polyamory hinges on consent – if you are not consenting, then your relationship is not poly. Also please believe me when I tell you that the pain of breaking up passes with time, whereas the pain of living in a relationship that is out of alignment with your needs does not diminish with time, it continues as long as you are not honest about what you need. Again, do not ignore your body, it is telling you what is not right for you. Live by honoring that and you cannot go wrong. I speak from experience. Good luck x
Excellent article. This still seems to be quite a taboo topic. Although, I don’t think I could do an open relationship, I am currently with someone who had an open marriage and was an active lifestyle club member for almost 10 years. I’ve tried to understand where and what he’s come from, as he misses aspects of it often.
I wonder though, can someone ever be happy/ feel fulfilled being mono after a very pleasurable (although stressful) lifestyle? It often triggers my insecurities when my partner talks about past parties and extravagant group vacations. For example, while planning a romantic vacation, he started reminiscing about his trips to Hedinism, in detail. He knows it bothers me, much as going on and bragging about an ex would. But, it seems to be a part of his life he can’t let go of. He has told me since day 1 he didn’t want to go back to it as it contributed to the downfall of his marriage. Sometimes it seems like he’s still on the fence though.