Previously in this series: If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend.
If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would order your latte using the dumb Starbucks lingo even though you know he would much rather have gone to the tiny independent coffee shop ten minutes out of the way rather than embarrassing you by arguing with the barista over the word “medium.”
If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would let you foster as many special-needs dogs as will responsibly fit in his mansion. He would make them tiny slings and wheelchairs in his workshop, and always shoo away the paparazzi when he’s walking them so they can have some dignity while they do their business.
If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would read books to you as you are trying to fall asleep, giving each character a different voice while taking the whole thing incredibly seriously.
If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would direct you in a remake of Waiting to Exhale in which he would cast you as all four leads simultaneously.
If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would never argue with you about the mesmerizing sex appeal of Doug Stamper on House of Cards (Ed. note: Sam, you are so fucking weird.) He would also not get up from the couch for twelve hours straight while watching every single with you, except maybe to pee or fetch you more cream-based dips.
If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would know instinctively to go first through a revolving door so you could go in behind him and not have to interrupt your texting to push.
If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would duet Patti LaBelle’s “On My Own” with you at karaoke and do a flawless Michael McDonald impression without embarrassing the shit out of you by coming in on the wrong cue or messing up any of the words. Because he practiced.
If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would always put the A/C on in the car, even if he wasn’t sure whether or not you wanted it because some people think 80 degrees is comfortable. (YOU DON’T.)
If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would wear the sweaters you buy for him, without complaint. He understands that he’s the kind of teddy bear who should wear cozy sweaters because they look goddamn adorable on him, and he would also understand he should hug you a lot while wearing them.
If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would call it “making love,” and that would be fine with you, even though if anyone else called it that you’d be totally grossed out.
Tags: beauty, forest whitaker, love, relationships, samantha irby
True confession: my spouse definitely reads to me from my favorite Terry Pratchett books when I can’t get to sleep. Maybe he is secretly Forest Whitaker, although he does think 80 degrees is comfortable because he is a terrible person.
My husband does this too! He read me every single one throughout our courtship/engagement/the first few months of marriage.
Y’ALL. You just gave me faith in humanity. I MEAN.
then you’ve found the perfect man.
SAMANTHA IRBY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fan girl fans herself furiously….and yes, Forest would do all these things without question; perhaps he would even go fruit picking with your bestest girlfriend (sorry, couldn’t resist).
GIRL YOU JUST MADE ME SCREAM LAUGH. (it was ugly. xoxo)
I MADE SAMANTHA IRBY SCREAM LAUGH!
Seriously, this a life highlight…thank you!!!!!!
Seconded, plus a HECK YES.
I have bought MEATY for like three people. I am slightly pissed off about that, because it means I don’t have a copy in my house right this second to re-read.
“If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would never argue with you about the mesmerizing sex appeal of Doug Stamper on House of Cards (Ed. note: Sam, you are so fucking weird.)”
I have a friend like this and I do not understand!!! Remy Danton all the way.
For those who don’t watch House of Cards or need a reminder:
Yes! Rolled up shirtsleeves FTW.
Also [spoiler alert, maybe] the thing where he *splints his own broken arm* while standing shirtless in his kitchen.
My god. Things I didn’t know I wanted to see, but BOY did I want to see them.
For cereal, I’m so glad somebody else sees it, because I feared I was the only one. SO WEIRD HOT.
That being said, I’ve only seen the first season of House of Cards, although every time I walk home across North Capitol I look at the Capitol building and think, “oh, right, this is the area where they filmed the opening credits shots. I should watch 2nd season.” But then I just go watch the West Wing again.
“I’m seriously thinking about getting a dog.”
I had to google image him because I don’t watch the thing, but damn. State of It: He could get.
If House of Cards was the first time I had seen him, I’d be with you. But I can’t shake his portrayal of the idiot officer in Generation Kill.
How do these keep getting better and better? I thought Daniel Radcliffe was the apex, but then…
If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would let you foster as many special-needs dogs as will responsibly fit in his mansion.
THIS IS ALL I HAVE EVER WANTED
I have bought MEATY for like three people. I am slightly pissed off about that, because it means I don't have a copy in my house right this second to re-read.
I had to google image him because I don't watch the thing, but damn. State of It: He could get.
You forgot the accents. Forest Whitaker can accent with the best of them (them being act-y types who do camp accents endearingly, cf Jeffrey Wright, et al).
I’m just going to say; the name of your blog tickled me pink.
If House of Cards was the first time I had seen him, I'd be with you. But I can't shake his portrayal of the idiot officer in Generation Kill.