“It won’t be like that for me,” he had always insisted when it had come up in the past. “I’ll be fine.”
That was usually enough to satisfy anyone asking the question. But not enough for her.
“I don’t even know that I qualify,” he told her. “Aren’t you being a little premature? Maybe I’m just the third, or the fourth Sexiest Man Alive.”
She fixed Chris with a look.
“Well, I could be,” he said. “You don’t know that. There could be someone in…in Finland, or Mongolia or somewhere, who’s just a little bit sexier than me.”
The look didn’t waver.
“Probably not, though,” he admitted.
“But you have the dreams,” she said. It wasn’t a question.
“Not everyone who has the dreams is chosen,” he said.
“Everyone who is chosen has had the dream,” she said. “I’m just looking out for you.”
“And I appreciate your concern,” he said, laughing. It was impossible for him to worry about something that might or might not happen when the sun was shining and she was in his arms and Adam Levine still lived. “But nothing bad’s going to happen to me.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“It hasn’t happened yet, has it?”
***
By September, he wasn’t feeling quite so sure about things, although he kept that to himself.
A season of blood and of bone.
This wasn’t his year. This wouldn’t be his year.
Cut his throat, take his throne.
“I have another few years in me before I’m ready to take a crack at that title,” he told reporters. “I have a feeling I could still get a little sexier.”
That was always good for a few laughs.
What we do, we do for beauty.
Privately, he asked his agent — who had seen more than a few Ceremonies — how to handle the knife. She had looked steadily in his eyes for a minute, then nodded.
“You’ll want to apply enough pressure that you sever the major arteries without cutting too deeply into his neck and risk exposing the trachea and the esophagus,” she said. “It’s messy, and it’s embarrassing, and it’s never a good sign for the year to come. You want a clean bloodletting.”
He smiled, and nodded, as if that was a normal conversation to have with your agent.
“This might not be your year, though,” she added, but neither of them believed it.
***
“Why do we have to kill the old one?” he’d asked once.
“What?”
“Why can’t he just…retire, or go away, or…why does the new Sexiest Man Alive have to kill the old one at all?”
“Haven’t you answered your own question?”
“So just because of the stupid title, because it’s the Sexiest Man Alive? That’s why we do it? Because of tradition?”
“The tradition has been good to you. You would do well not to scoff at tradition older than your family’s name, just because you’re squeamish.”
“I’m not squeamish,” Chris said.
***
When the Men Without Faces came for him, he thought it was another one of his dreams. There was a voice, low and urgent by his ear, and then he was very much not dreaming, he was alone in bed (where had she gone, he thought dully to himself) and there were four or five hooded figures leaning over him, and their eyes were like what he had seen in his dreams.
“It’s going to be you, Hemsworth,” the tallest one said. He shook his head, as if he were trying to escape a particularly slow and heavy bee. He wasn’t awake. He couldn’t be awake. He still had a few more years.
“How do you know?” he asked — not Who are you, not What are you doing in my room. He wasn’t the smartest, maybe, but he knew when not to fight what was going on around him, and he wasn’t going to save himself by asking questions he already knew the answer to.
The figure lifted his hands to his cowl and pulled it down.
Chris stared, and stared shamelessly.
He knew that face — or, more accurately, he knew that absence of a face — almost as well as he knew his own.
“I know it because I have dreamed it, and because anyone who has ever born this mark” — here the man jutted his own forearm roughly against Chris’ own, and Chris saw in horror that the twisted black sign on Adam’s arm matched the one on his own.
It looked like it was still steaming, like if he reached out and touched it with his hand, he would be burned himself. There were eyes — wide and unblinking and raw-looking, but eyes — and then there was wreckage. Meat. Glossy, shiny, twisted clots of scar tissue and pulsing tendons that connected cheek to jaw, and there were teeth and there was gum — pink and exposed and angry — and a skull and Chris looked away.
“So it’s true,” he said. “You’re not all dead.”
One of the faces smiled, and Chris shuddered. This was his alternative?
“Come with us if you want to find a different way to live,” Adam said, and Chris didn’t think, just moved his entire body in the direction of Yes.
Tags: chris hemsworth, people magazine, the sexiest man alive
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MALLORY
GOOD LORD
BESIDES AREN’T SOME OF THESE PEOPLE CHOSEN MORE THAN ONCE????
*DESPERATELY TRIES TO THINK OF THE LAST TIME I SAW ADAM LEVINE TO MAKE SURE HIS FACE IS STILL THERE*
I think … I think … George Clooney may have been chosen twice.
But if I am correct, it was back-to-back years, so there may have been clones involved … and also, as you see, he has changed his name to Clooney-Amaluddin.
Just to be safe.
ETA: I have consulted the Oracle.
Richard Gere, Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, and The Hon. Clooney-Amaluddin have all won twice.
So perhaps there’s some sort of … Ocean involved. Or an Island.
The Dalai Lama.
Something.
Mallory, you twisted genius.
I forgot about this particular strand of Mallory brilliance! This is making me so happy.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH YES
this series is the best thing to come out of people’s sexiest man alive issues
There’s an orgasm joke in there somewhere but I am just too cold to make the effort.
“too cold to make the effort” has been my attitude toward orgasms the past couple weeks, really
I had trouble with a DIY maintenance orgasm last night! Ugh, winter.
i love u
This is perfect. I can’t add anything to its perfection.
I started laugh-screaming at “a season of blood and of bone,” and everything is great in the world.
Purely as a scholarly question, was Mr. Levine ritually disfigured upon ascending the throne, or upon Mr. Hemsworth’s selection? Or is someone else currently reigning? While I love the idea of Adam Levine, Meatwraith, I am a little lost on the timeline! 😡
MEATWRAITH
YOU HAVE TO READ THE LAST ENTRY FOR IT TO ALL MAKE SENSE, CHRIS *SHOULD* KILL ADAM BUT SOME OF THE VICTIMS HAVE ESCAPED
WHO ARE THEY
WE DON’T KNOW
Right but did Adam escape too, or is he secretly leading a Formerly Sexy cabal and he gooshed his face all up in solidarity? I’ll sit pretty and wait for the next chapter I guess~
this is the greatest thing i have ever seen
IT’S BEAUTIFUL
No, it’s SEXY.
The time has come, then. The Sexiest Man Alive has shunned his duties.
Now the cosmetics ads will falter and fail; no hair will be hot-oiled, no lips exfoliated.
Now the fashionistas will break free and shriek to the night; they will hunt through the streets, and the new look for spring will be elegant sprays of dried blood.
Now the Cheers and Jeers list will crumble like ash in the wind.
Now the puff pieces will dissolve into a smear of bright ink and exclamation points.
Now the whole edifice shudders, delicate, and in the highest penthouse in the richest city, a diamond falls from the prongs of its ring and shatters into black dust on the marble.
It begins.
This is perfection, as is Mallory. Hail!
Ah! It’s so pleasing that the Toast has been going long enough now that this is a proper series.
Shoulda been Pratt.
It’s probably for the best that it wasn’t, or next year he would be our ritual sacrifice, as we welcome the new Sexiest Man Alive.
You urge him in such haste to the altar of the ritual sacrifice?
Whose side are you on?
So unbelievably creepy. I will never look at those magazines the same way.
You’re talking about his eyes right? I mean those are some creepy eyes.
not fine enough to live in a jar on my mantle, that’s for sure.
When I saw the announcement this morning, I had a faint glimmer of hope that last year’s piece would be included in the morning links as a callback/tribute, and we would get to relive it in all its glory.
Never could I have imagined this. I will not doubt again.
Perfect.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
As I was reading this, I got a popup notifying me of an email in my google mail account from Real Simple magazine. What was it announcing? That 2014’s sexiest man alive is here. I am not even joking.
highlander more like…guylander
Favourite seasonal article.
So perfect. So so so so perfect.
Also, obviously its Indris Elba as accented UK Detective Luther– who is making these selections?
Elba has escaped notice with a sigil tattooed on the inside of his thigh. Do not draw their attention to him.
Adam: No Trubba?
Chris: Trubba not.
I want to thumbs-up this SO MANY TIMES.
Which then it were arga warga for him.
I presume that if anyone is named Sexiest Man Alive more than once, the second (or third or fourth) time, it’s actually a doppelgänger, introduced to throw off any suspicion about the existence of this ancient ritual. I fear for Mallory, now that she has exposed this for what it really is.
Mallory Plutarch Heavensbee is wily enough to evade the hunters, I feel sure.
I saw somewhere that People had just announced this and thought, ‘hah I should go reread that amazing Ortberg piece about the sexiest man alive ritual sacrifice. Must be on the Toast somewhere…’ And then immediately found this new amazingness at the top of the page.
Dear Toast, I love you. I made you a friendship collage and I wrote you a song. And, because true love isn’t selfish, I’ll do the right thing and keep both to myself.
Unto the Death gois all Estatis,
Princis, Prelatis, and Potestatis,
Baith rich and poor, and men the most sexie—
Timor Mortis conturbat me.
Being a count of those styled Vir Scitulissimus:
-MEL, now in Hell.
-HARMON, who now charms none.
-HARRY, lost to Faerie.
-JOHN-JOHN, whom fowl feed on.
-SEAN, cut down at dawn.
-TOM, who found no balm.
-PATRICK, calm and tragic.
(cont.)
-NOLTE perished boldy.
-RICHARD slipped his fate most bitter.
-BRAD PITT too refused it.
-DENZEL chose to end well.
-GEORGE took the wound full ‘cross his gorge.
-FORD found his reward.
-GERE gave way once more to fear.
-BRAD at last was had.
-PIERCE bled fierce.
-BEN has been.
-JOHNNY, once bonnie.
-LAW succumbed to Law.
-McCONAUGHEY disdained to die for thee.
-CLOONEY, raised to die for foul ‘CONAUGHEY.
-DAMON, now midst demons.
-HUGH his sexy doom did rue.
-RYAN died defiant.
-BRADLEY bared his neck gladly.
-TATUM gave ADAM an ultimatum.
-ADAM, for sure a madman.
yes amazing thank you I love it.
YES.
The ones who are chosen twice are the worst. Unholy things they are. No man can wield such power twice in one lifetime. No, it must be a new life. A second one. There’s no escaping that stipulation. Gods above, you don’t want to know what happens to bring them back.
Oh my god, I got him mixed up with Chris Evans AGAIN. WHY ARE THEY ALL NAMED CHRIS!?
Chris Hemsworth
Chris Pratt
Chris Evans
Chris Chris Chris Chris Chris
Chris Pine.
Chris Martin
We have an abundance of Chris.
They’re grown in a lab for the purpose of starring in Marvel movies.
And I for one am grateful to the science men and science women who brought them forth from tube and flask.
when i saw this headline, i actually clasped my hands together and hissed, “yesssssss” at my computer screen, which was…mildly alarming to my officemates.
I am so happy this has come round again. And lovely Chris! Why have you let them do this to you?
Calling it now– Liam Hemsworth (“Baby Thor”) will have his own magazine cover in a few years, and then it’ll be really awkward at Australian Thanksgiving or whatever for Luke, the only Unsexy brother.
“Calling it now– Liam Hemsworth (“Baby Thor”) will have his own magazine cover in a few years”
Any time now …
/Hungers for the Games
*dies laughing*
BWAHAHAHAHA The Sexiest Games
“Two Sexys enter! One Sexy leaves!”
All we need now is Wes Bentley and a little nightlock.
/loves
Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
Fuck yeah.
Doesn’t every country that gets People elect their own Sexiest Man Alive? Is there some kind of international gladiatorial arena where the cream of the sexy crop fight to the death to determine who is truly sexiest?
This piece suits my current mood more than I’m entirely comfortable with.
That's darling.
Mallory, I love you. Thank you so much for making me laugh.
Mallory, I love you. Thank you so much for making me laugh.
Definitely took me reading all of the comments to finally figure out that Liam and Chris Helmsworth are different people
Definitely took me reading all of the comments to finally figure out that Liam and Chris Helmsworth are different people
Wait, this is only part 1 right? Part 1 of a 10 part series??