My New Password

by Ralph Jones · November 26, 2014

locked

cumberbatch

Password incorrect. Please try again.

cumberbatch

Password incorrect. Please try again.

Cumberbatch1

Password incorrect. Forgotten password?

Yes.

Please enter new password. Your new password must contain at least six letters and one number.

cumberbatch2

Error. Your new password must not contain duplicates of any letters and the number of characters in your new password must be divisible by eight.

cumbergath123456

Error. Your new password must have at least one upper case letter and at least three, but not more, lower case letters.

CUMBERGath123456

Error. As well as containing no duplicates of letters, at least three (but no more than three) lower case letters, at least one upper case letter, six letters, one number, and being divisible by eight, your new password must also contain at least one exclamation of joy.

CUMBERGath12345HALELUYAH

Error. We said there must be no duplicates of letters in your new password. In addition, there must be no religious proselytism.

CUMBERGath12345WO000000!

Error. Your new password must also contain the word ‘spoon’. The rule regarding duplicates of letters is temporarily suspended for the word ‘spoon’.

CUMBERSPOONGath12345WO0!

Error. Your new password must also contain an ellipsis at an unexpected juncture.

CUMBERSPOONGath123…WO0!

Error. Your new password must also contain the title of an Ian McEwan novel.

CUMBERSPOONCLOUDATLASGath123…WO000000!

Error. Cloud Atlas is a David Mitchell novel.

CUMBERSPOONTHECEMENTGARDENGath123…WO0!

Error. Your new password must contain a grain of truth.

IFWEDONTTAKETHETIMETOLOOKAROUNDUS,WERISKLOSINGWHATISMOSTPRECIOUSTOUSCUMBERSPOONTHECEMENTGARDENGath123…WO00000!

Error. Your new password must also be a word found in all good dictionaries.

Fuck. You.

Error. Repetition of letter ‘u’. Account will be deleted until further notice.

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25 Comments

  1. literarysara +51

    Truth: I had an exchange not unlike this with my seldom-used university Email account, so my new password contains some choice swears. It is very easy to remember and also extremely satisfying to type in.

      1. GoatseFanfic +55

        My “secret question” answers are generally along the same lines… except for one loan payment service which has abstruse password requirements and rejected my secret question answers for not being sufficiently biographical so hey fuckholes guess who’s gonna be calling you angry every single time I need to log into that account. Good job on thoroughly protecting me from hackers sneaking in and paying my bills, I guess.

        1. MilesofMountain +20

          That’s what I don’t get. The sites with the complicated password rules are never my bank or something important. It’s always some shitty app I don’t even really want or the site that allows me to check the amount remaining on my coffee card.

          1. GoatseFanfic +10

            Banks gotta have data security guys who know how to make a useable, uncrackable login system rather than temps who’ll just check every box on Secure Forms Maker 2000 and call that good.

          2. Saffie +8

            My home loan account, which houses the equity that represents my entire life savings, has a 4 digit passcode.

            Four. Digits.

            Only my partner can use it, not because I forget the passcode, but because I can’t remember the 12 digit account number.

            LOGIC

          3. Ethylbenzene +9

            I know. My Wegmans app had more complicated requirements than my banking or credit card apps. Why? So nobody can find out just how many boxes of those cheesy crisps I buy?

  2. stirringsofconsciousness +87

    I recently had to be logged in by a librarian at a city library terminal. I watched as he typed the password and I’m 99% certain it was “lolasses”.

    1. bgprincipessa +19

      “molasses” is very close to that keyboard-wise and would honestly make me laugh just as much.

  3. paddlepickle +48

    “And now you can’t access your National Grid Account, because we are very very concerned that someone may hack into your account to pay your gas bill.”

    Lately I’ve been going with “alohamora”, which is annoying to type but makes me feel very pleased with myself.

    1. GoatseFanfic +33

      Well shit if they don’t require at least one capital letter, one number, and one of the four allowable special characters you’ve got it made

      Because nothing says password security like dramatically limiting the number of possibilities for what it could be, y’know

    2. bgprincipessa +5

      My gas company requires me to type in my username on one screen, then brings me to a second screen for my password, where I can’t change the username if I typed the wrong one. Because, why? The only other company I know that does that is my online savings account – something I do actually want the extra security for.

  5. RocktheDebit +16

    I’m surprised the Ian McEwan novel that immediately came to mind wasn’t “Atonement”.

  6. dorianneemmerton +16

    The special characters, like fuck. I had already figured out a password that used 3 instead of e, but now I got to come up with a whole new one that has an e and also an a so I can use @, or maybe i to be replaced with I? And yes, I use the same password for almost everything. I can only remember so many things, and Leonard Cohen song lyrics take up a lot of that memory space.

    2. sansdromeda +9

      Most of my passwords are all variations on a theme, with occasional punctuation, capitalization and l33t-sp33k thrown in. Thank god for a youth spent trying to look cool online.

  8. NotThatAmy +8

    Mr. Jones, you do bear a striking resemblance to Mr. Nadal. It is to your credit.

    Also, I have completely given up on ever remembering a password, I just hit the “forgot password?” link every damn time, enter an irritated phrase and then banish it from my thoughts forever after.

    1. NotThatAmy +4

      And now, instead of working, I’m thinking about tennis and clay courts. Clay, the sexiest tennis surface.