This post originally appeared on November 11, 2013.
Well, the holidays are at last upon us, as “upon us” is a holiday’s favorite place to sprawl, and that means one thing: making sure that you get enough to eat at holiday parties. There’s nothing worse than waking up in January and realizing you’ve practiced careful moderation in the face of temptation, also watching that waistline, and cravings, and jeans that fit: food is everywhere. Here are a few tips to make sure you get your fair share of empty calories between Thanksgivukkah and New Boxing Day.
Don’t fill up on water. Water is full of empty fluids. If you’re trying to keep yourself from over-imbibing on cocktails, try matching every alcoholic beverage you drink with a glass of nog. Any variety of nog will do, as long as it leaves a film on your glass. Remember: if the glass ain’t fogged, your drink’s not nog, as the elves sing right before they get you.
Avoid the crudités. They’re a pointless vehicle for dip. Think of all the other foods you could be smearing that dip on: french onion smeared over a pimiento olive; pâté on sausage rolls. Celery is for suckers.
Stay away from protein and fiber. You’ve got bigger fish to fry (is there fried fish at this party?). Look at that cheese log. What do you do with logs? Build things with them.
Remember the hidden calories in drinks. Look very carefully for them; they’re hidden. Who knows how many drinks it will take for you to find them.
Before you take a bite of anything, ask yourself: could I sprinkle peanut M&Ms on this?
Skip meals so you’ll be extra hungry. Don’t go crazy. Skip half a meal, maybe. Just make sure you show up irrational and dizzy, so those first two glasses of wine really pack a wallop. If you’re drinking, be sure to wait a few hours before you start eating, otherwise the food in your stomach might soak up some of the alcohol.
Balance your indulgences. If you’ve got a slice of carrot cake in your left hand, put some mini hot dogs wrapped in those little crescent rolls in your right, so you don’t fall over from the weight of it, I guess.
Bring an apple with you wherever you go. This will protect you from witches.
Don’t go back for seconds. Eat off other people’s plates when they get up to go to the bathroom.
Bring your own vegetables. That way you can throw them away wherever you are, and they won’t stink up your trash can.
Cut servings in half before you eat. Fill the empty swath between your portion halves with gravy, then eat both halves. You could put some dip on that gravy, you know. Just because your food’s got gravy on it doesn’t mean you couldn’t use some dip.
Cranberry sauce is a waste of time. It’s just fancy jam. That’s all it is. You could eat that at home.
Portion control. Don’t let your portions boss you around, I guess. Eat them. You’re the boss; they’re just amounts of food.
Remember: pecan pie has the most calories of almost any holiday dessert, so start with that and work your way down.
Tags: eating tips, how to get enough food, the holidays, ultimately aren’t all calories sort of empty
“Bring an apple with you wherever you go. This will protect you from witches.”
i need no protection from witches; i AM the witch at the holiday party.
So, as a witch, can you tell me how the apple thing works? Is it like, a bribe that people give you to not curse them, or whatever? Do they hold the apple in front of you to see whether your green glow reflects on it, or something? I never got the deal with witches and apples. Oh, and also, are teachers witches? The teacher-apple connection makes so much more sense if that’s true.
This is why I love Mallory and the Toast- because this represents exactly the spirit of how I think about food at holiday parties. There is literally almost nothing better than eating things that I enjoy, in copious amounts, to a) make me very very happy and b) as a recognition of the special food and drink of a holiday. I HATE the consistent and universal effort to shame women for thinking of food as pleasure, as found everywhere in other media sources. What is wrong with some binge eating? Why must women always practice restraint at all times and in all settings?
THANK YOU. Crudites are Satan’s snack food.
I snort laughed my drink and almost choked to death, then read this aloud to my husband. He laughed a lot, but I don’t think he really GOT IT because he doesn’t read ladymags.
You had me at if the “glass ain’t fogged, your drink’s not nog”. This is the guide to end all guides.
Also, I have a holiday food confession to make…
I am a very bad vegetarian. I’m dedicated every other day of the year….but….christmas….I CAN’TSTOP MYSELF.
My family slaves over making 2 huge turkeys(one smoked, one made traditionally) and a billion goddamn side dishes that whisper sweet temptations in your ear until you give in. The lure of Ukrainian and Polish food is too much to bear. So I eat 2 plates full and I don’t even regret it when the next morning rolls around and I feel like a meat blimp with dodgy morality issues.
I call this taking a harm-reduction approach to eating meat… and even George Monbiot says it’s ok. (I mean, it’s George Monbiot, he’d prefer perfection, but failing that he’s alright with meat for a few holidays: http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/dec…
This is how I am when I know I’m going to be around a Honeybaked Ham during the holidays.
“Before you take a bite of anything, ask yourself: could I sprinkle peanut M&Ms on this?”
Trick question. The answer is always yes.
Although the answer is sometimes, “Yes, but I shouldn’t. I should eat the M&Ms afterwards, as a chaser.” Example: the utterly revolting meatball stew brought to every holiday gathering by my brother-in-law’s mother-in-law (‘s sister’s uncle’s cousin’s wife’s hairdresser), that not only has no flavour, but manages to absorb flavour from anything around it. (I tried putting ketchup on it once. It made the ketchup taste like spongy nothing, too.) It is impossible to avoid eating a few bites of this, because she will follow you around pushing it on you, but I wouldn’t do that to an M&M.
Sriracha? Horseradish? Could you secrete a tiny shaker of seasoning salt or would even MSG be daunted?
I once put peanut butter M&Ms in white rice. It was strangely palatable.
I like the way you think.
reposting this is the best holiday tradition.
Hurrah for the season of party food! I could spend all January living on tempura prawns and breaded mozzarella sticks when they’re all on sale after Christmas in the supermarket.
OMG I am totally doing this! January is … a bad work month for me.
I went to a “Christmas cookie party” last weekend where 90% of the conversation was about food-as-morality and how great it is to mostly not eat carbs. (Favorite part: assertion that not snacking is like not cheating on your wife.) Husband and I ate as many cookies as humanly possible and peaced out after an hour. It was grand.
This sounds like utter madness. I am going to a Christmas baking party on Saturday and we are going to make more gingerbread than you can shake a stick at, and eat it ALL.
Wow. This is a world away from my single cookie party experience, which was nonspecific winter holiday-themed and hosted by an all-LGBTQ group of upperclassmen at my college who lived in a rented house together just off campus. Cookie frosting went on cookies, on people, and probably some parts of the furniture, and cookies were consumed along with mugs of khalua hot chocolate.
Kahlua hot chocolate? You are speaking my language!
BUT SHOULD YOU VACCINATE YOUR COOKIES OR NOT
What if I put dip on the cranberry sauce?
Casually position yourself next to the food table all night, so that you can eat continuously without the bother of refilling your plate over and over.
The plate just gets in the way! Do be sure to slowly move around the table so you can eat some of everything.
The hallmark of every family gathering I attend is the period when everyone gathers around the chips and dip to eat continuously with minimum conversation, so I heartily endorse this strategy
That and the breakfast of stale bagels and dried-out fruit salad you get served at every breakfast meeting ever. Not technically on topic but I just came from one and it’s like seriously, this is NYC, you have to actively try and get bagels this bad.
With a side of that runny oatmeal that you have to put your own dried raisins into at hotel breakfast buffets. *shudder*
and warm cantaloupe
Yeah, I’m pretty sure “continental” is actually just a word that means “shitty”
The time we stayed at a hotel with a waffle maker in their breakfast bar was the best morning of my life up until then, I think.
I once stayed at a hotel that advertised “fresh waffles and cinnamon buns” and I was ludicrously excited only to find out that it was old cinnamon buns and waffles kept in a hot tray. For the appearance of freshness. It was a Holiday Inn (in London, Ontario, if you’re traveling) and I don’t know what I was expecting but my disappointment was REAL for 6am.
I stayed at a hotel recently that had fresh waffles! I expected just pre-made, heated up ones when I saw them (it was surprising enough as it was; waffles are not a big UK thing), but no, there was a waffle maker and batter and there was a member of staff right there making them. I ate many waffles.
Celery is a *really* good vehicle for dip, though. Baby carrots , peppers, raw broccoli (whyyyy??) can fuck right off, but celery is like, a shovel. For dip.
I’m sorry but no. Celery is behind so many things to shovel dip with including a.chips of any kind and b. an actual shovel.
I would rather head out to the garden shed and find my host’s trowel than use celery
Seconded. The trowel won’t get strings in your teeth.
The fact that I’m now seriously craving crudite has got to have something to do with the fact that this article is describing my not-just-holiday eating habits. Put a plate of raw veggies in front of me at a party and I’ll be there all night, munching contentedly on baby carrots and cauliflower sprigs and sliced peppers and snap peas and gallons of ranch and/or dill dip, and/or hummus, and/or cheeZe substance.
I would say that we should be best friends, but then there would be two of us at the party and that would be less raw vegetables for me. I love raw vegetables. Salad is a treat I reward myself with. I AM THE WEIRDEST PERSON ALIVE. That being said, my favorite thing about the holidays is the variety of cheeses that I can eat my body-weight in.
With you on that except they always pair the veggies with ranch dressing, which is my ENEMY.
This article pairs well with today’s agenda: finish baking the third batch of Christmas cookies to send to friends on the East Coast; buy more butter and eggs because I ran out due to aforementioned cookies; buy other ingredients for friend’s surprise birthday cake tomorrow.
Toasties, I’ve had some stomach issues that have manifested in me not being able to eat regularly and has me spending a lot of quality time with my toilet.
Long story short, I spent the entirety of Thanksgiving locked in the basement bathroom, trying to get as far away from Food Smell as possible. I was devastated to miss all the good food (and my family too, I guess).
I’m doing much better these days, so I am taking the opportunity to stuff ALL THE THINGS in my face, with varying measures of digestive success.
My question is, for Christmas dinner, what if I ate 2 dinners to make up for the Thanksgiving fiasco?
If you space them out far enough, you can probably manage that. I say GO FOR IT.
It’s only fair and just that you do.
DO IT
DOOOO IT
DO IT DO IT DO IT
Can I rant about the folks who compete to see who can have the smallest serving of dessert at holiday dinner parties? (note: I am usually the one who made the dessert). “Make mine a small piece.” “Make one just like that, but smaller.” Gaaaah! Then they all finish and stare at me eating my extra big piece with whipped cream glopped all over it.
YES! These people’s special place in hell is right next to the people who don’t order dessert at restaurants because they ‘couldn’t possibly eat more’ and then they want bites of yours.
Those are the same people who don’t order food at the bar during happy hour because they’re not hungry but then they eat off your plate and get mad when you ask them not to.
And then they never ever offer to chip in for the food they ate or the tip or anything!
My dear departed great-grandma had a different approach. When asked which dessert she would like, she would always ask for a real-size piece of both. Even people int he family too young to have known her know that “give me a grandma [redacted]” means a sampler platter. 🙂
I love these people – means there is more pie left for me.
Plus you can say, “Maybe a piece like twice that size?” when asked how much you want!
One of my daughters announces with pride that she doesn’t believe in seconds for dessert just before she takes a MONSTER size piece and adds a ton of whipped cream. If asked, she’ll explain that she believes in getting a big enough piece to begin with. It is excellent.
This also serves as a handy guide on how handle department receptions as a graduate student.
My rule was “load up; who knows when you’ll be able to afford food like this?”
I’ve long said that, if nothing else, my graduate program was good for teaching me how to mooch food without shame.
Yeahhhhh. The two glasses of wine immediately on an empty stomach is not for beginners though.
And always remember: if you feel guilty about your calorie consumption, you can always go outside the next day and chop wood for 3 hours or whatever to make up for it.
This is the time for me to tell the story about how for years I had only read the word “crudites” and never heard it said aloud, so I thought it was pronounced “KRUD-ites”. And then I went to a party at…an age I won’t disclose and you know I ended up talking about KRUD-ites out loud for some reason. AND NO ONE corrected me. They just looked embarrassed as hell and I didn’t know why until days later when my friend finally fessed up.
I HATE KRUD-ites TO THIS DAY.
I also thought colonel was pronounced phonetically until I was maybe 21. I thought “kernal” was another whole rank in the military.
How about bologna? Words are so annoying.
Oh hey, samesies. This is the curse of being a person who read a lot as a kid and hence learned almost all words through books. I think hors d’ouevres was pronounced “Hors D’Vores” and orderves were different things.
Yup. “Sword.” “Salmon.” “Cylindrical.”
Written English, you are a cruel, cruel beast.
I’m 28. I still have no idea how to pronounce hors d’ouevres. Therefore I do not serve them. Problem solved!
It’s sort of like “or dervs” but with a mucky-sounding Quebecois “eur” in the back of your throat the whole time
When I was tiny, I was convinced that ‘naked’ was pronounced like ‘baked’ and I had no idea what it was, and that the thing you were when you had no clothes on was ‘nakid’ and they were two totally diffferent things. Now I spell for a living.
This is the time for me to tell the story about how for years I had only read the word "crudites" and never heard it said aloud, so I thought it was pronounced "KRUD-ites". And then I went to a party at…an age I won't disclose and you know I ended up talking about KRUD-ites out loud for some reason. AND NO ONE corrected me. They just looked embarrassed as hell and I didn't know why until days later when my friend finally fessed up.
I HATE KRUD-ites TO THIS DAY.
I also thought colonel was pronounced phonetically until I was maybe 21. I thought "kernal" was another whole rank in the military.
If you are a vegetarian / vegan, remember: Conference Rules apply. There will be at most one viable option for food and other vegetarians are not your friends, they are your competition.
See also: when meat-eaters go for the cheese or veggie pizza. CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE
Cut them with your pocket knife.
Oh my god I am late to this but this happened over Thanksgiving with my husband’s family and my FAVORITE LONG ISLAND PIZZA PLACE and the upshot was that I only got two pieces (and one was from a white pie, which I mean ugh why do those even exist?) before the veg pizza was gone and I maaaay still be pretty mad about it.
White pies exist because there is a god and they love me VERY MUCH, so just gimme your slices and we’ll all get along just fine. I hardly ever get to eat them because the few places around here that make them only sell them in size ginormous and I can only eat so much pizza if there isn’t anyone around to split it with me.
Meat tastes good. Vegetables taste good.
Meat tastes bad on pizza. Vegetables taste good on pizza.
Therefore, vegetable pizza. It’s the only one I can eat without feeling ill.
We have one friend who always brings an ENORMOUS, five-inch-deep vegetarian lasagna to Christmas dinner and I just love her so much.
No ma’am. As a person who steals food at happy hour, I can attest that I am trying to do the same thing I do at holiday parties: get as much free food as possible, with no pesky ethics or morals getting in my way.
But. . .at a holiday party there are plates of food that have been intentionally put out for general consumption, and at happy hour you’re just taking food from someone who paid for it and doesn’t want to share it with you but is too polite to smack you away. Like, actual not-cool behavior.
i said no morals
Cool story, then? Good luck keeping friends?
where are your priorities, paddlepickle? are you committed to friends, or are you committed to pickle consumption?
I hope they see this and take it seriously. I would pay a lot of money per month to read The Toast without ads. It has some of the most annoying and resource-hungry ads of any site I read. I don’t even open the site on my (pretty new, pretty nice) phone because it takes ages to load and seemingly always jumps around right when I try to click 🙁
I’ve been having the same problem for at least a month and my computer is not more than two years old! 🙁 I only have one tab open right now, but it’s been open for a few minutes and is starting to get more & more laggy as I’m typing this. I feel like I’m in one of those space movies where they start to run out of oxygen & they’re trying to record a message before time runs out. Please get me out of here, Toast Gods.
I read this entire article in the voice of Gina from Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Now I’m going to have to reread it in Gina’s voice. I’m sure it will be even more perfect.
Oh my god I am late to this but this happened over Thanksgiving with my husband's family and my FAVORITE LONG ISLAND PIZZA PLACE and the upshot was that I only got two pieces (and one was from a white pie, which I mean ugh why do those even exist?) before the veg pizza was gone and I maaaay still be pretty mad about it.
NO BREADED PRAWNS??
Not acceptable.
Okay I had this problem a few days ago! I'm assuming you were using AdBlock? I think AdBlock just added to their filter the whatsit (technical term) that skins the comments for use on The Toast. If you go into "Open blockable items" and discover that something related to Intense Debate is blocked, try unblocking that. It fixed things for me.
Thaaat sounds like exactly my problem. I read on mobile so often that I didn't realize the site hadn't been whitelisted since reformatting, so I felt kind of guilty until I discovered The Great Toast Fuckening. Hopefully this workaround works for me and is only temporarily necessary cough cough wink helpless wink I can't afford to donate help us out here guys cough
Now I'm going to have to reread it in Gina's voice. I'm sure it will be even more perfect.
This is the way *I* Holiday. With all the food. All of it. And several of the alcohols.